MASTER Emotional Regulation: 3 Simple Steps to REWIRE YOUR BRAIN & Reclaim Your LIFE!

Lewis Howes
Welcome to this special masterclass. We've brought some of the top experts in the world to help you unlock the power of your life through this specific theme today. It's going to be powerful, so let's go ahead and dive in.

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Lewis Howes
The main mental health symptoms out in the world right now, would you say? Yeah. So depression and anxiety are fast growing and they're major challenges. More and more kids are being diagnosed with adhd. More and more kids are being diagnosed with something called oppositional defiant disorder, which, what is that opposition?

Gabor Maté
That's when a kid is defiant and oppositional and goes against adult values and adult expectations. But we think there's something wrong with the kid instead of looking at the context of what makes the kids die, the environment? No. Are these diseases? Well, you can talk about them as diseases to some degree.

And certainly, you know, I've had depression and I've taken medication for it in my forties, and it's really made a difference for me. You might call it a disease, but actually that's a shallow way of looking at it, because actually, what does it go back to? It goes back to being a one year old infant or being a three month old infant. In the book the myth of normal, the first chapter has a painting in it. The painting is by my wife, based on a photograph of me and my mother.

This is Budapest, Hungary, 1944, and I'm three months of age. And my mother, in a photograph, is one of the yellow star that Jews had to wear. My father was away in forced labor, and within two months, her parents would be killed in Auschwitz. That was my first year of life. Oh, my gosh.

And the look on my face is full of terror. I was absorbing my mother's fear and. My mother's anxiety because she had terror in her face. And you're mimicking. And she had it in her body.

Lewis Howes
Her body. You're connected to her feeding ten times a day. Exactly. And you're feeling the stress. Exactly.

There's probably now no calm in her. There's no calm there. But she's already so stressed and she's just trying to make sure that we survive. She's not there to really receive my feelings. And then when I'm a year old, when I'm eleven months old, she hands me to a complete stranger in the street to save my life because she didn't think, where we're staying, I would survive for a day and probably I wouldn't have.

Wow. So I didn't see her for six weeks. Five or six weeks. And you're one. I was one then, yeah.

Oh, my gosh. And now, what could I do? As a one year old? I could do two things. Or as an infant going through all that.

Gabor Maté
First of all, how do I deal with all that stress? I tune out. I tune out. I become absent minded as an adapt. As an adaptive mechanism.

Lewis Howes
A coping mechanism. Exactly. 55 years later, I'm diagnosed with ADHD, which is characterized by tuning out. Is it a disease? The heck it's a disease.

Gabor Maté
It started as a coping mechanism. I'm also diagnosed with depression. Why? Because in that environment, I had to push my feelings down in order to. Not to burden my mother, who was already burdened enough.

Lewis Howes
Create more peace and more yeah. So I took that on. So I pushed on my feelings. I depressed my feelings. Then I have this depression.

Gabor Maté
So are they diseases? Well, you can talk about them that way. But I say they began as coping mechanisms. And I'll tell you another story. I'm 78 now.

So six, seven years ago, I'm in San Francisco with a therapist, and I've taken mushrooms. She works with mushrooms, and I worked with psychedelics. And it's one of the things I write about. But this time I'm the patient. I'm the client, and I'm lying there on the mat under the influence of the psilocybin, and I know exactly who I am.

I'm 71 years old. I'm a medical doctor. I'm a writer, I'm a speaker. I'm married to such, you know, my wife, Ray, this is a therapist. So I'm not, like, hallucinating.

I know exactly where I am. But at the same time, I'm experiencing myself as a one year old infant. Oh, my goodness. And this therapist is my mom. Is my mom.

And I start crying and I say, I'm so sorry I've made your life so difficult. Wow. That's my one year old self all of a sudden, under the influence, speaking up. I took it on that early that I'm responsible now. You talked about.

Lewis Howes
Oh, my gosh. In our conversation before, you told me about how you were in this relationship and you couldn't leave it even long after you realized it wasn't right for you because you took on the responsibility of how the other person would feel if you let them down. I'm telling you, that's your one year old speaking, that you took responsibility for the suffering of your parents. Wow. And how you mustn't let anybody down because it's your responsibility.

Gabor Maté
We take this stuff on so early without words, actually. They just become ingrained. And then we live our lives out of it until something happens, as you did for you. Your body rebelled. You have a breakdown or something happens, right?

Lewis Howes
And you're like, you either keep breaking down or you wake you up and say, okay, why is this happening? What is. What is off? What is out of alignment? What is, you know, where am I?

Out of integrity, whatever it might be. Exactly. And I feel the challenge is I was like, I want to end this suffering. You know, I've repeated this pattern many times. I'm sick and tired of the suffering.

I'll do whatever. You know, I think when you. For me, I was like, I've felt enough of this. I don't want it anymore. But it took so much courage to face these things for me.

And I know other people have deeper traumas or different traumas, and it just seems so challenging for people. I wouldn't go there. I would not compare your trauma to anybody else's. Well, we all have our unique traumas, right? Different experiences that we face.

Why is it so challenging for people to face it and start addressing it? I was telling you, I've been doing pretty intensive therapy for about a year and a half now, every two weeks. Not because I feel like something's wrong with me anymore. I'm stressed more because I want to maintain a level of peace, and I want to continue to maintain peace. Good for you.

So once I realized and started healing, I didn't say, I'm good. I was like, I want to go to the next level of peace, love, an environment of beauty inside of my emotions. But why is it so hard for so many people to face it and actually speak the shame, guilt, insecurity, imperfection about them? Well, I think in your own work, you've touched upon very accurately on why it's so difficult. For one thing, if you.

Gabor Maté
If you just. Just the words that you just use, peace and love and connection. If you had played that to your 20 year old self, how would he have responded? He'd been like, suck it up. Or he'd been like, what are you talking about?

Lewis Howes
You're fine. Like, yeah, don't be a little wuss. Or, you know, just work harder, you know? Yeah, but where would that have come from?

I mean, just my entire conditioning growing up from sports and. Yeah. You know? Okay, so that. So that's one of the factors, is the conditioning in this culture.

Gabor Maté
Okay.

I also say it would have come from intense fear, because if you'd actually. It's very fearful to look at all that pain inside oneself. It's terrifying. Yeah, it's terrifying. So there's intense fear.

So there's the conditioning, as you say. Then there's the fear. It really is painful. Nobody wants to have pain, but that's called growing pains. And the third factor is we all develop this personality.

Now, the personality, we think that's us, but it's not us. Right. The personality is the traits that we took on to survive our childhoods, along with some genuine traits, is kind of an amalgam of childhood coping mechanisms and genuine qualities. Yeah, some good stuff. But then that's also coping.

Lewis Howes
Yeah. Yeah, I remember I used to be like, I was a fun loving guy. I was like a kind generous. But then when there was a trigger, like, I was angry and, you know, defensive and guarded and things like that. Or you talk about the various masks, the sexual mask, or the.

Gabor Maté
Or the material mask, the aggressive mask.

When I started reading a chapter on the sexual mask, you wrote about some guy whose name I forget, but who's sort of the champion, picking up women. I wouldn't want to be in his shoes for one split second. Poor bastard. I was thinking that this is what he has to do. But what is that?

It's having to prove to himself that he's lovable. Where does that come from? But we identify with it, so we think we're the personality. I'm this sexually attractive guy, or I'm this aggressive guy. I'm this material guy who's going to make it in the world.

And so we think that we are a personality. So it comes from, I say, three sources. One is the conditioning. The other is the fear for the pain. And thirdly, the identification with the personality.

We think that's who we are, and we don't know who would be without it, although. Which is all based on trauma. Yeah, it's the identity, you know, building this identity that, you know, and I talk about how the identity supported you to accomplishing certain things. Right. Or protecting you from certain things by having this identity.

Lewis Howes
Yeah, but it's also not serving us to hold on to that identity if we want the next level of peace and freedom. Exactly. So it's. But it's so hard to kill an identity. It's like you've had this thing for decades, maybe, and you've got to let go of this thing.

Gabor Maté
Yeah. I wouldn't even talk about killing. I mean, in my healing chapters of this book, I talk about, let's make friends with it. Like, for example, I have to. By the way, I have to be honest.

I said that I wouldn't be in this guy's shoes for a minute. That's not true. Part of me was envying him, you know, even here, I'm 78 and married 53 years, but I read about this guy who slept with all these women. Why couldn't I be that guy? You know?

I don't want to go there. And I wouldn't. I've long ago chosen not to, but. But there's still something that. Who doesn't want to be wanted that much, right?

Lewis Howes
You know, something with the ego or the desire. Yeah, yeah. So. But if we didn't kill those parts but made friends with them, if somebody came to me with that kind of pattern of, I'm that sexual guy, but they don't want to. But they realize that it's not.

Gabor Maté
They might feel high for a moment like any addict will. It's not fulfilling. It's not fulfilling. I wouldn't say kill that part of you. I'd say let's make friends with it.

Let's find out what it's really trying to do for you. What it's trying to do for you is trying to make you feel wanted, making you feel valuable, making you feel desirable, making you feel loved temporarily. Making you feel powerful. What happened to you that you don't feel lovable, that you don't feel desirable, that you don't feel powerful, you know? In other words, it's not a matter of getting rid of these parts or these aspects of ourselves.

It's a question of actually getting to know them. And they all began as coping mechanisms. That man that you describe in your book, I guarantee, is a highly traumatized human being.

Lewis Howes
So when we start to ask ourselves, this question that you're asking is what happened to you? Or when, you know, when did you feel not powerful or not lovable or not wanted? And let's say we're able to. Someone watching or listening is able to assess themselves and actually be present, really reflect on the painful moments of the past, which a lot of people aren't even willing to talk about it to themselves, right? That's right.

For 25 years, I had a memory of being sexually abused. And thought about it almost every day. Like, for a moment, you know, it come, you know, at least weekly, maybe not every day, but it was like a memory. Yeah, that's there, you know, but I never told anyone for 25 years because it was so shameful. And I didn't want to be, you know, made fun of or all these things.

And so someone's able to self assess and say, okay, I had this pain, this trauma. I felt not powerful or whatever it might be. What's the next step for them once they start to journal about it and be aware of it? And they're like, I really want to heal. What would be that next step in the process?

Gabor Maté
Well, I mean, it's not that I can prescribe, but sure, what it should be for everybody. And there's many different ways of working. But one of the things I would address, first of all, is the shame.

One of the impacts of trauma is shame because children are narcissists by nature. When I say narcissist, I don't mean in a pathological negative sense. I mean they think it's all about them. The world just revolves around me. Exactly.

So if bad things are happening to me, it must be. It must be a bad person, number one. Number two, I didn't fight back. I couldn't defend myself. And so that makes me weak.

And, you know, so I'm ashamed of that now, actually, when you look at it, the nut fighting back is nature's coping mechanism. Part of your nervous system just freezes. Because if you fought back, what would happen? Just depends what age you are. No, but as a young child, if.

Lewis Howes
You fight back on, against the sexual. Abuser, all right, what would happen to you? Who knows? I mean, could have been even worse. And were you in a position to run?

No. No. So the part of your nervous system that would have you fight or run away gets inactivated. It's protecting yourself. You're protecting yourself.

Gabor Maté
And the part of the nervous system that freezes you just be still. You get through this. Wait till it passes. Yeah. That takes over.

So it's actually what you're ashamed about is actually the brilliance of your nervous system that protected you, but you're beating. Yourself up in retrospect, saying, I should have ran. I should have fought back. I should have done this. That's the first point, man.

The second point is if I can ask you how old we. When this happened to you? Five. And how long did it go on for? It was probably 1015 minutes.

Yeah, no, but it was only one time. One time. Okay. Who did you speak to about it? No one.

Okay. Now, you don't have kids yet. No, but if you did have a child, five years old, and this happened to, who would you want them to speak to? Me. Yeah.

Now, if you found out that this happened to your child and your child never told you, how would you explain that?

Lewis Howes
How would I explain it to. How would you explain to yourself why my child is not talking to me about this terrible thing that happened? I would explain it by saying it's something I'm not doing. I'm not creating a safe environment to allow this child to speak up. And that was your primary trauma?

Yeah. So the sexual abuse is a secondary trauma. As a matter of fact, the abuser, like, you were bullied in school, you said, and the bullies can always sense the vulnerable. The bullies have, like, a weakness in your. They have a laser.

Like, there's an insecure, weak person. Yeah. Which, by the way, speaks to their own trauma. Right. But they have laser.

Gabor Maté
Like, the physicians who abuse their. Their patients, the spiritual leaders who do that to their followers, they see a weakness, they. They laser like they sense it, and that's who they pick on. And the bullies do the same thing. Now, that weakness, as we call it, comes from not having the solid support and protection and confidence and security in your family of origin.

So that's the primary trauma. That's the first thing that happened? Yeah. I mean, that's the case for sure. So to answer your question, then, if somebody comes to me with those issues, first of all, if somebody realizes those things, I'd say, don't try to do this on your own.

Lewis Howes
It's so hard. Talk to somebody. It's so hard. Yeah. Well, look, people with addictions, at least, they have the twelve step groups where they can actually talk about it.

Gabor Maté
And people, ideally, will not judge them. It's a safe space to. Safe space. Or you might have friends, or you might reach out to a professional, or you might have an intimate partner. That relationship is close enough where you can actually share this, you know, but you have to bring it out of you.

By the way, this reminds me, this is one of the ancient gospels written on the same time as the other gospels, the gospel of Thomas, in which Jesus says that what you shall bring out of you will save you, and what you don't bring out of yourself will doom you. He says something like that, right? He was a supreme psychologist. Wow. And so you got to bring it up.

Yeah. What you suppress becomes more depressed. Right? It's like. Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's got to start with that somewhere. You've got to bring it out. And if someone has a. What if they say, well, it wasn't that big of a deal.

Lewis Howes
This thing that happened back in the day, I was a kid, and it only happened a few times, whether it's sexual abuse or someone screaming at you or you were neglected or put in the corner, you know, I hear that all the time. It wasn't that big of a deal. I hear that all the time. I shouldn't be that concerned about it. It was five.

Who cares? You know, it's like, what do we. Okay, then it's a very simple way to answer that. Then why are we so messed up right now? No, no, no, no.

Gabor Maté
Not at all. If a five year old kid came to you and you were the uncle, Uncle Lewis, this guy did such and such to me, and I'm really scared and hurt. Would you say to them, oh, no big deal. No. Think of all the other kids that worse things have happened to.

Would you say that? Why wouldn't you say that because I'd. Want to be there for my nephew and make sure he felt supported and seen and loved. And what would be the impact if you did say that? I feel like it probably affect him for a long time if that was a pattern of, that was the response that he got.

But you see, that's what you're saying to yourself, right? When you say that it's no big deal, you're saying to the five year old that was hurt. It doesn't matter. In other words, there's no self compassion there, right? What you would never say to anybody else, you're saying to yourself.

And one of the impacts of trauma is lack of self compassion. And again, if I may mention my book, the myth of normal, I talk about that, about how this idea of self compassion, and I see it all the time. And so when somebody says to me, no big deal, you know, I say, okay, take any other child in your position, plug them into that situation and tell them it's no big deal. Of course I wouldn't. But people do.

Lewis Howes
They do say these things to their kids or to their, right, their nephews or nieces. They're saying, like, ah, you'll be all right, you know? And I think it's because they don't have the emotional courage to, to handle the, the wide range of emotions because they probably suppress the emotions best. I mean, that's the whole point, right? Is that they're, they're not, they're not comfortable with the child's pain because they're crying.

They're like, I can't handle it. He can't handle it. You know, my dad used to be like, stop crying. You know, just stop. There was no, like, hugging and, like, he had a lot of love and affection in other ways, but he couldn't handle the crying and the emotions.

Yeah, the emotions. Well, one of the, in the book, I talk about the essential needs of children, and one of them is that they're given the freedom to feel all their emotions, particularly sadness and grief and pain.

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Lewis Howes
And if we heal the trauma, we'll be able to eliminate these symptoms or these disorders. I think we'll be able to get rid of a lot of stuff. A lot of it. Some of it, as I mentioned, because there is that genetic loading. And we gotta think of the genetics that we talked about already, right?

Like we're talking about lineages of genetic loadings. So if we start doing the work now, maybe we'll see a lot less of these disorders happening within our families and our communities. So there is a lot that we can do to actually rectify the abundance of mental illness that's out there, right? I believe that there is a lot of the mental illness that exists in the world that has an undercurrent of trauma. And we just haven't talked about that undercurrent or that possibility as much.

But I don't know if we'll be able to absolve ourselves of 100% of the mental illness in the world. But I think that we can do a really good job in this generation to break cycles. Can an individual eliminate these mental health issues on an individual level if they are willing to do the deep healing work? Because essentially, because I feel like, correct me if I'm wrong, these are like symptoms of trauma. You didn't grow up depressed.

Lewis Howes
Certain things happened, an event happened, an environment continued to foster the feelings of depression, the state of depression. And if we can heal the memory, the trauma, the event, and reconnect to our purest self, our whole human self, wouldn't those things start to go away? That's precisely the goal. So where we started off with psychology and psychiatry is we started off with symptom management. A lot of psychiatry, you know, we're still kind of there a little bit.

Which is like, here's the drug to manage the symptoms. Band aid. But that's not healing. Yeah. That's not resolving.

That's just managing it. Precisely. But that doesn't do anything to bring back to wholeness. Yes. And integrate the person, integrating the healing.

Right, exactly. And that's the goal. That's the goal for me. That's the goal in my practice. I want full integration of that person.

I want them to see, really see their authentic self. Some people have never even had an opportunity to see who they could be at their true core self because it's been masked by so much of the trauma and the symptomatology that's associated with the trauma, like the depression and anxiety. And all those things. Yeah. So you believe that people can heal these mental health challenges as well if they integrate fully?

Many of them, especially the ones that, you know. Cause I think we have, like, bipolar disorder and we have, you know, schizophrenia that have a different mechanism to them. But many of them. Absolutely. But many of the ones that a lot of people are facing, depression, the big ones ADD ADHD, depression especially.

Yeah. Right. Yeah. How important is finding a meaningful purpose in life, support you in overcoming feeling depressed or depression? It's like, so critical.

It's. Yeah, 100%. I mean, like, when we're talking about what happens after trauma, meaning making is at the center. It's like one of the biggest things, because you have. You have to see your life having some sort of value and that there's meaning associated with your life and with everything that's within your life in order to actually, like, even feel motivated to do the heavy lifting, that is the healing work to get yourself to the other side.

So you have to have meaning in that journey. Meaning making. It's alchemized in that journey. It's created in that journey. Right.

But I think at the very least, you have to have hope that meaning making can be possible. Because what it sounds like to me is a lot of people attach meaning in a more negative, harmful state to events, to words, to actions that happen around them, and therefore that meaning causes more depression, ADHD, or negative thoughts, all these different things that hurt us. But if we created a different meaning around the event or the words or the event, the breakup or the loss of career, created a new meaning around it and had a different intention, a different purpose moving forward, we wouldn't have those mental challenges as much. Yeah, I mean, I think people, you know, just haven't been trained to ask themselves the right questions around meaning making. Right.

Lewis Howes
And so what's the right questions? Well, the right questions are, you know. Well, someone experiences a traumatic event or big t or little t, what question should we ask? Yeah, we should be asking, you know, so questions around. Well, let's talk about what was learned in that circumstance.

That's a really hard question to ask because sometimes people be like, you really? You think that that needed to happen? No, it didn't need to happen. It did happen. It happened.

Lewis Howes
You can't change it. You can't. That's in your history now. But what can we take from that experience? And it doesn't even need to be the traumatic event itself.

But your response, your reaction, what can we take from that to learn how to now create a healing protocol for you? And it's about being able to ask questions that get people thinking outside of the box. Because what happens when you're in a state of trauma is that you're frozen in many ways. Your thoughts are frozen. You start thinking a lot of the same things.

It's a lot of protective functions. Your feelings are frozen in time, constantly feel worry, anxiety, like, a lot of things that are just them being in a protective state. And so we can start asking questions to free some of that up. That's going to be really key. But I like that question, even though I think it can veer us in different directions.

But I'm open to that whenever it comes to work with a client, because wherever we go, I'm with them, I'm going with you. And we're following that path. If someone stays committed to their story of meaning, that it was this horrible event and it ruined my life, the divorce, the job loss, the injury, whatever it might be, what happens if they hold on to the meaning in a negative way, as opposed to that was a traumatic event, I don't wish it upon anyone, but here's what I learned from it. Here's what I gained from it. Here's what I'm going to do with it in a positive way.

Lewis Howes
What happens to those? Well, the way that I interpret that is that that person is one still in a state of fear. They're not ready to really get curious about what other definitions meaning can have in their life. They're just really stuck on the one definition, that it tarnished their lives, that they got in the way, and they're just stuck there. Right.

And so if that's the case, then my role as a clinician, or their role as a person that wants to get out of it, hopefully, is to work on the fear. You got to work on. Where is fear trapped? How is the nervous system operating around fear? Where can we free them up in a bodily sense?

Because the nervous system requires a lot of that body based work, and so we have to really get curious about that and go in that direction versus, you know, the questions are very mind focused. Right. But we need the body based practices in order to create safety in the body. To release also. Right.

Lewis Howes
To release the fear, the pain, the trauma, and reconnect to the safety of your body. Is that right? Exactly. And so that when a person can feel that there is safety in their body, they can feel that they can actually go into the depths of their minds in a way that doesn't feel scary. Scary and existential.

Right. Speaking of fear, I saw somewhere recently, I don't know if this is true, but I saw somewhere recently that we were. That human beings are born with three fears. The fear of loud noises, the fear of falling, and the fear of abandonment. I don't know if that's true, but if it is, we tend to build, add more fears as time go on.

I don't know if that's true, if those are the only three, or we don't have fears at all. But. But it seems like we gather, we collect more fears through childhood and adulthood. Why do you think we gather so many fears and collect them? Well, I think you're talking about, like, primary fears, right?

Like, those feel like, primary fears to me. Like, they're, like, what you start off with as a baby. Yeah. You're gonna have that startle response as a baby. You're gonna need to feel deeply connected and attuned to a caregiver.

Lewis Howes
Otherwise you don't live. Yeah, basically. Right. And so, like, it's basically a fear of losing life or fear of losing safety. So it makes a lot of sense.

But the accumulation of it also makes sense because we operate in mental representations, in categories, basically. So we have specific categories in our minds that are primarily created in our childhood. And then everything else that happens in life, we put in the different categories and the buckets of our minds, and they just start accumulating and growing. So if you have a big fear bucket, then you're going to have a lot of fears that are going to come into your life and stay there. So when we're thinking about a way to heal initially, and we know that we've had some stress, or maybe we're reactive in certain situations, or maybe we feel tightness or just not our fullest, highest self.

Lewis Howes
And we know that there's been some trauma, but we're not sure how to talk about it or how to heal it. What is something we should be thinking about with our bodies to start this process? Well, the first thing is that we have to befriend our bodies. We have to actually engage in a relationship with our bodies and really tune in. Most of us don't actually take the moments throughout the day to say, how's my body feeling right now?

Mariel Buqué
Where do I feel the tension? Where am I experiencing in my body, this external situation? Right. And if we can actually train ourselves to just do body scans for starters, right. There's so many things that we can do.

But for starters, just scanning how we feel in our bodies from head to toe and just getting a sense of how our body is taking in our environments, that's already a really good setup for understanding ourselves better and understanding ourselves when we're juxtaposing ourselves with what's happening outside of ourselves. So if someone has experienced a level of trauma, but they have no clue if they've actually got a lot of trauma, a little trauma, or somewhere in between, how can they do a trauma assessment within their body scan to know, oh, this is actually a big thing that I need to address right away, or this is more minor, but I still need to address it, how can they scan? Well, you know, it's actually much simpler than what one might imagine, because people can actually just remember, right? Remember what they actually do remember, and then simultaneously try and gauge what's happening in their bodies as they're remembering, as. They'Re thinking of the story and the scenario.

Exactly. Are you feeling tightness in your chest or your throat? Are you clenching up or are you sweating? It's like, what are these symptoms? Yeah.

And typically, some of those symptoms correlate with how the nervous system is actually internalizing the story. We typically get a knot in our stomach, for example. Right. But that's really our nervous system actually shutting down specific functions of the gastrointestinal tract, really, because we actually don't need that for survival in a moment where we're in survival mode. And so if we feel not in our stomach, it's almost like we're in fight or flight mode.

Exactly. Just thinking about. Thinking about a story for 30 seconds or a couple of minutes from something that happened 10, 20, 30 years ago. That's fascinating. So something that happened that long ago can continue to harm and hurt you decades in the future until we learn to heal it.

Exactly. It continues to live in the body. It can metabolize in the body then as chronic illness when it goes on unaddressed. And, of course, one of the biggest risks and repercussions of it going on unaddressed many times because we just don't know that it's there or that it's something that needs to be addressed. But what can happen is also the possibility of transmission into the next generation.

So there's a lot of consequence. Yes. And that transmission is really you leaving a legacy, you know, do you want to leave a legacy of peaceful, harmonious, emotional well being? You know, humans as children or kids that carry your stress responses. Right?

Lewis Howes
And kind of your nervous system responses, right? Yeah. Yeah. I always ask parents, like, look at your little one and look into their eyes and think for a moment, do I want them to hurt the way that I have hurt? And that usually is enough for a parent to say, you know what?

Mariel Buqué
Actually, I want to break this cycle because I don't want their little heart to then absorb the kinds of traumas that I've absorbed. And for them to then be the adult, that has to then be in search of their emotions or in search of healing because they now have an inner child wound. As an adult, what's the greatest gift a parent can give their child? The gift of understanding their emotions and understanding how to self affirm. Because when we can actually know what our emotions even are.

And what I mean by that is that we have emotions and that they're body centered. Right. Like that we have a really concrete understanding of the full spectrum of our emotions and how they can manifest in our bodies, and then how we can actually do something to validate ourselves through the emotional process. I think that's a beautiful gift that parents can give their children. And when parents do that for themselves and their children, it's a beautiful generational gift.

Lewis Howes
Yeah, that's beautiful. So the first thing I'm hearing you say is kind of the ways to start healing is to first do an assessment of the stories and the memories that hurt you and see how the body reacts or response. What would be the next step after that, we notice a tightness in our stomach, a clenching in our throat, a pain in our chest. What would be the next step to starting that healing process? Step two is relaxation.

Mariel Buqué
Step two is actually going into any kind of practice you choose. Right. But it can be breath work. It can be meditation. It can be tai chi, it can be yoga.

It can be so many that can actually help your body to release some of that tension. Interesting. And so what we're doing in that very moment is that we're, of course, recognizing that there's a pain that has been there, that has been emotional, that has now a physical manifestation, and that we're also integrating a relaxation, a body relaxation practice, to help release that tension, help absolve that tension from the body. If we never release it, what happens? It becomes disease.

Lewis Howes
Wow. So, emotional memories turn into physical pain and eventually disease in some way. Many of the metabolic conditions that we know about, diabetes, for example, cardiac conditions, a lot of those can be mapped back to stressors in life. And there's a lot of studies that have been done around even autoimmune conditions being very deeply connected to stressors and to trauma. And more recently, there's some studies that also have some correlates to certain cancers.

Mariel Buqué
So when we start thinking about what the body is telling us, the body, when it's in that state of disease, it's telling us, I don't feel well because I'm not being taken care of emotionally. And that, you know, is usually, like, the clue for us to say, oh, I need to slow down when we needed to slow down probably 1520 years ago. Right, right. So, once we, you know, recall the memories and I guess, really reflect, uh, on where we're feeling this pain or reaction in our bodies, the third thing I'm hearing you say is to relax through some type of therapeutic process, breath work, meditation, yoga, some type of relaxation process to release it. Right.

Lewis Howes
What would be the next thing because a lot of times, most people just numb or disassociate the pain, right? We don't truly feel the pain because it's too painful. And so we'll find ways to numb, distract, disassociate, block the memories to not feel that pain. And that can be just as harmful, right? Just to numb, block, or disassociate can.

Mariel Buqué
You know, they're protective factors or the ways that we protect ourselves from the pain that we truly feel and especially the depths of our pain. Some of us just don't want to understand how deeply hurt we have been, how wrong we've been, wrong we've been. How unfair, unjust, hurtful these things are. Yeah. And in order to self preserve, in order to make it through another day, the mind and the body, they're just brilliant.

Brilliant. Like machines, they have mechanized a way to actually protect us from ourselves. Wow. Basically, like, structured all these coping mechanisms that, albeit harmful or maladaptive or not helpful or not connecting when we're talking about relationships, right. They can, you know, still help keep you safe for another day.

But the alternative to that is to then learn coping skills that actually can be adaptive connecting. And that can actually be the better recipe for not only your ability to stay within healthy relationships with other people, but also for you to experience the type of sustainable and long term mental and physical wellness.

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Lewis Howes
What's the next step after that? Once we start applying some of these self therapeutic experiences, it might be ten minutes of breath work or some type of release. How do we get to a place of truly healing that wound or that memory? How long does it take of us doing this over and over again? Do we eventually need to process in other ways through talk therapy or more intensified therapies?

What's the solution to absolute healing? And is that even a thing? Well, there isn't really a 100% type of healing that truly exists. I mean, I think that anything that leans in the direction of perfectionism is a myth, including healing. Right.

Mariel Buqué
However, there are ways in which we can live a life that is filled with ease and peace more often than not, and a life in which, if triggers were ever to present themselves, that they would be just subtle and tolerable, and that we can have the actual tools, the sense of empowerment and agency over our own bodies and minds to actually release that process and move into the next thing that life has for us, rather than being stuck and frozen, which is what tends to happen with trauma. Sure. But the next step, really, is, the way that I work is that I integrate a lot of these nervous system restoration practices for a long period of time with folks, and I've done it myself and with my family and with kind of everyone and in the book. But this actually is the lengthier part of the work, the actual grounding. This can take months or even years, right?

Yeah, it can. It can. And, you know, sometimes I actually like to give it a bit of context, like, for people who feel like, well, let's say, you know, that I want to do this work, but how much am I gonna have to do in order to really might be a lot. It might be a lot. And that's okay.

Lewis Howes
And it might feel exhausting, and it might feel overwhelming, and it might feel emotional, and it might feel, you know, like it's all consuming at times. Yeah, all of the above. Yeah. And that's actually. I would even go as far as saying maybe not might, but it will, right?

Yeah. For a period of time. Yeah, for a period of time. And it is survivable. And if you have the tools to actually help you to settle once things feel like they're getting really heavy, then it's gonna make the experience more tolerable and you're not gonna feel like you're thrown into the abyss of your deepest, darkest emotions and have no way out.

Mariel Buqué
You're like, in a black hole. Yeah, there's this. I don't know who originally said this type of quote or this kind of phrase, but you'll hear people say, what happened to you is not your fault, but it is your responsibility to overcome it, to heal it, to process it, to realize what it was and not let it consume your life. Yes. And I think what you mentioned about higher self, like, learning about our nervous systems so we can work with it to become our best, highest self as most often as possible.

Lewis Howes
Right. Which means having peace and harmony inside of us as frequent as possible, because that is our true nature, peace and harmony. And I think that's what it comes down to. What are you willing to do to create peace and harmony, to actualize your highest self as frequently as you can? It's not about perfection.

You're not going to be this zen person all the time, but that's a beautiful life. Living in peace and harmony, living in suffering and pain and agony and numbing yourself is not a beautiful life. It's a survival mechanism, which is useful for a period of time, but not for all of time. And so we just gotta be aware of that. And it's gonna take doing some intense, painful work for a period of time for hopefully a lifetime of freedom afterwards.

Mariel Buqué
Exactly. Yeah. And, you know, I like to always, like, help people understand that if you're, let's say that the work needs to take a period of two years, let's just say that you need to focus. You need to do nervous system restoration practices each and every day for a period of two years. You need to do journaling and some of the digging work and do talk therapy, and you need to engage in connections with people that help you feel at home.

All of that needs to be a part of your process. Those two years, when you take into consideration the 40 that you've already lived that have felt awful, those two years feel like they're really worth it. If you want to live the next 40 feeling more abundant, more peaceful, more grounded, more like, you know yourself, your true core self, and more like that core self that is now burgeoning from within you is a reflection of your higher self. Yes, and I'm just a big believer that flow and abundance does not come to those who are constantly in suffering or holding on to pain. Yes, it comes to those that have peace, who have clarity, who are relaxed in a more relaxed state.

Lewis Howes
And that may seem like a nice thing to say, but if youre in your thirties and forties and youve got three kids and youve got responsibilities and job, and youre overstressed and youre thinking, idle, have two years of my life, let alone 30 minutes a day to go to the gym. How can I do this work when I have so much responsibilities? When ive got a partner that im in a relationship with? Ive got kids, ive got bills, ive got all these different weights on top of me, doing this type of work seems like impossible. What do you say to someone like that?

Mariel Buqué
It isn't. It actually is really doable because the work requires for you to bake it into your life. It's not work that is a task apart from the rest of your life. It is your life. It is your life.

Lewis Howes
Yeah. And, you know, the work can actually, the way that I like to structure the work is to make it very accessible. And the reason why I like to make it accessible to anyone is because I want people to do the work and I want to make it as easy as possible. I've gotten that statement so many times, well, you know, I'm a mother of three and, you know, they're all really young, and how am I going to find the time? I always tell people, listen, you have 1440 minutes in a day.

Mariel Buqué
If you take five of those minutes and do a breath work practice, you're already ahead of the game. Wow. And if you do that for an entire year, 365 days, what we know what neuroscience is telling us, is that it takes an approximate three to 400 repetitions of a nervous system restoration practice for our body memory to start shifting. Really? So if you take those 365 days, that year, of those five minutes, you're already doing work that is going to be monumentally effective in you feeling more settled and like your nervous system is actually experiencing a lot of ease and calm that it wasn't experiencing before you did the year.

Lewis Howes
And how much is our partners in an intimate relationship picking up on our nervous system wounds and also our kids picking up just by watching and observing us and being around us, how much do others pick up our pain? It's almost instantaneous. And especially the people that are closest to us, but especially children, because children are very, very keen on picking up on nonverbal cues. We actually, when we're like infants, that's the way that we understand whether or not the world is safe or not. We actually see the facial expression of an adult.

Mariel Buqué
That's our caregiver. And if the facial expression is one that mirrors safety, calm and ease, then what we interpret that as is, the world is safe. I can be calm if the adult feels preoccupied, angry. Right? Like, babies pick up on that, and their nervous system is also picking up on that.

And so it's important for us to actually be more attuned to the ways in which other people also pick up our energy. And perhaps that can offer more motivation for people to actually do the nervous system practices that can actually be helpful for them and their families. If a parent is watching or listening to this right now and they're thinking, wow, my kids are five or twelve or 16, and I'm just starting to realize that maybe I was too reactive based on my nervous system wounds for many years. Or maybe we shouldn't have yelled at each other as parents in front of our kids, or we shouldn't have been so reactive in situations that we were explosive. We didn't need to be.

Lewis Howes
And they're starting to realize, oh, okay, this could have some long term effects on kids. And they've been living that way for a decade with their kids growing up. What can they instantly tell themselves right now about how they've shown up? And what are some actions they can take to start breaking the cycle for themselves and their kids who still have developing minds, who maybe aren't as comfortable talking about emotions yet because they're younger still, how can they start shifting that without thinking, I've ruined my kids lives? You know, it's important for parents for anyone, really to understand, if I didn't know better, I couldn't do better.

Mariel Buqué
So if you didn't know that what you were struggling with was intergenerational trauma because you were exhibiting toxic relationship behaviors that were reflected in your childhood home, and you absorb those as the norm, as a status quo, then you wouldn't know to actually disrupt those and not pass those on or not exhibit those in your home. However, it's important that if you now do know better, that you take action that you decide, okay, I know that there's a different way, and I understand that the way that I've been behaving is unhealthy. Let me shift that is already a step in the right direction when it comes to children. It's important to understand that children can also engage in the healing process. They can?

Yeah. I mean, there's a lot of age appropriate ways in which we can integrate the work with children. Children can meditate. Children can do breath work. Children can talk about their emotions.

Children can, you know, do dance parties with their parents that actually help them to release some of the stress and tension of the day. And all of that can be a large part of what families can do together to actually do some collective healing and engage in age appropriate types of practices that can help their children not only absorb the healing in the moment, but also understand for the long term, for the entirety of their lives that they can do something that can help them to heal. That's cool. Yeah. Dance party and drawing classes together.

Lewis Howes
Just different things. Going for a walk out in nature. Yeah. That's beautiful. What are some.

You mentioned these nervous system restoration practices. What are the couple other examples you have for that where we can start healing the nervous system? The practice that I tend to integrate into my work the most is humming. Humming? Humming.

Mariel Buqué
Yeah. It's so calming. It is very calming. And most people don't know you actually have this tool that you can use whenever, and it can actually help you feel calmer. Well, how many?

Lewis Howes
I mean, there's so many. You know, there's now science that's backing all this, but this has been the, you know, ancient spiritual leaders have been oming and humming for thousands of years. Yes. Because of the, you know, I think Aum is like God. Right.

It's like you're connecting yourself to God and you're speaking, like, source creator, breathing it. And there's chemicals involved, there's dopamine involves, and it's calming. Like, this feeling in your heart is starting to, like, get into a better rhythm. Right. So there's all these benefits to this.

Mariel Buqué
Yes. And when we think about it from, you know, just integrating the nervous system perspective into that as well, there is, you know, we have, like, different branches of the nervous system, and the branch that actually helps us to feel relaxed and calm is the ventral vagal nerve, which is what tends to be stimulated when we own. When we om. Yes, absolutely. Or when we hum.

Right. Like, typically, like, if I'm doing work with a family and or with a child, you know, sometimes I'll pick a song that they like, and we'll hum the song instead of singing it. And that already is an age appropriate practice that we can do. That integrates the practice that we understand is going to be restorative to their nervous system. But we're not necessarily, like, shoving mental.

Lewis Howes
Health issues, just therapy talk all day. Right, right. But we're doing something that can be very health promoting. Now. Eventually, people catch on, and they say that made me feel relaxed, that made me feel more at ease, especially when I had all these, like, floating thoughts that just wouldn't go away.

Mariel Buqué
And so when these children are then older, they have the tools, and that's what I want for us. I want for us to be able to be the generation of cycle breakers that can build the tools for ourselves and for the next generation. And even if we want to maybe like, pass some of that back. My parents are 65 and 71, and I do this stuff with them, and they're open and willing, and they're dominican parents, like, which I would have never thought would do anything that was related to mental health, period. But they're so willing right now after a couple years of talking, talking it through.

And it's beautiful to see how they have never really had any kind of like, foundational orientation around how they can feel more settled, and now they do, and that in their old age, they can actually feel more at ease in their own bodies. It's beautiful if someone's in a marriage and they realize they want to break the cycle and they're willing to do the work themselves, but maybe their partner isn't as open yet and they're realizing, like, oh, this person, you know, I want to do this work. I'm healing. But this person's still in a nervous system, reactive state and unwilling to break their own cycle. What can they do if they're the only one trying to grow and their partner is not?

That's really empathize with anyone that is in any kind of environment, particularly a home environment, in which they have to go back to the source of their pain. Right. Or back to a place where their safety is compromised in any way, their sense of psychological safety, I mean, and so, you know what? I tend to help people reorganize in terms of their own thinking around this is like, show up as your more healed self. Let people see how you walk and move as a more healed version of yourself.

Model for them, whether it's your kids, it's your parents, it's your partner, it's friends, right? Like anyone. Let them see how you're modeling, how you show up differently and how you no longer feed the cycles, but you break them and then see who is willing to join you in that process. Right? And there may be, you know, months of resistance and challenge where you've got to keep showing up as a healed person or in the process while someone's reactive or crossing your boundaries, you've got to keep creating those boundaries, which is a challenging thing to do.

It's one of the biggest barriers to people being able to continue their cycle breaking process, which is going into the spaces where people have not actually done the work and them feeling like, what am I even doing this for? Right. Like, I may as well just, like. You know, let it go and just let it go play their game. It's so challenging.

It is very challenging. And it's, you know, a process that also is going to require that they, in essence, like, just tolerate the distress, which is why distress tolerance skills are so important when it comes to trauma based work, because we have to train the mind and body to tolerate the guilt. Tolerate the guilt of being the one that's doing the work and leaving others behind. Right. Like, that sometimes tends to be, like, how people feel about their healing.

And so when we're able to reorganize the body and how it's actually internalizing that emotion, it helps them to sit with whatever guilt may still be lingering in a more settled way and not just throwing the towel. What do you think of all the different traumas that you've worked on in your clinic and worked on with individuals? All the different types of traumas. Abandonment, abuse, neglect, all these different things. Bullying, being cheated on, all these different things.

Lewis Howes
One is the hardest trauma to overcome that you've seen, or it takes the longest for people to psychologically wrap their heads around the wounds that they've received, you know, grieve, forgive, own move on process. Which one is typically the hardest to overcome? What I have seen has been the hardest, and what I have seen, like, people struggle with the most and has taken the most time has been abuse. Childhood abuse. Specifically, them experiencing childhood abuse.

Mariel Buqué
Them experiencing it? Yeah. From a trusted adult, someone who either cared for them or someone who was proximal to them. And the experience of feeling almost kind of like their entire life formation was around that experience, also being a part of it and then having to extract that from all the layers of how it became a part of them is something that can be really, really hard. But also, there's people that can live really abundant lives once they start doing the work in that direction.

Usually wherever we feel the biggest triggers, that's where the work is. And so when we concentralize the work, they're in that triggered space. Right. It makes it so that we can experience probably the better part of our healing. I guess in storytelling, mythology, there's.

Lewis Howes
There's heroes and there's villains, and they have a similar backstory. They've both been abused or abandoned or something happened to them. Right. And the villain uses that pain to hurt others. And the hero, you know, works with that pain transforms it into making sure that others don't have that pain ever again.

Right. And I probably had both of those in my life of like, I've used the pain to try to be angry at others and, like, dominate and win in sports. And then I've found transformation and being like, I don't want anyone to feel this pain ever again. And so I think we have a decision at different times of life of like, how are we going to use this trauma or this memory or this experience for us? You know, are we going to live it to harm others or to help others and be in service?

Lewis Howes
And I think it's really tricky, speaking from experience as an adult mind, trying to understand, you know, your 57, 12, 15 year old self who is sexually abused. Childhood mind that's still stored inside of you. It's hard to reflect back and recall all those moments and then think about how you carried that trauma until the adult mind is reflecting on it. Process however many years that is, and all the decisions you've made your entire life, why you've been reactive relationships you've gotten in, challenges you might have good that might come from it, too, and then learn how to heal that time. It's like, it's kind of a mind, you know, it's a mind mess.

You know, it's tricky. And so I think you're, you know, you're probably right in that. That's probably a painful one to overcome. I know there's lots of different traumas, but that one's definitely painful. But I know from experience that there is incredible peace and love on the other side if you're willing to do the work.

Took me a couple of years to really kind of feel like I could speak about it without having a nervous system response anymore. But I think also when you realize you can overcome something like that, it gives you a lot of confidence, a lot of poise, a lot of power, a lot of peace and knowing, okay, if I can take on this as a 5710 year old, what can I take on as an adult with these tools that you're providing? So I think it's a great thing that you're sharing these tools because a lot of adults don't have them still, and I'm still learning as many tools as possible. But why is that so challenging for adult minds to understand sexual abuse or some type of abuse as a child? Why is it hard for adult minds to understand that and overcome it?

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Mariel Buqué
Well, because there's been a really pervasive intrusion. You know, like, a person feels like they are accessible to people, people can hurt them, they're vulnerable, and they've remained stuck in that vulnerability. And so the challenge in our adult lives is in the fact that that vulnerability just got carried on and we still feel raw and open and vulnerable and tender to the touch, and people can actually hurt us easily. And so that's why very often people also develop the coping mechanisms to try and protect themselves because they don't want to land in a similar situation where then there's yet another intrusion. And how will they then survive that?

It makes it, I always say when it's doubly hard to actually get through something, the reward would be double, right? Even more. It'll be even exponential, right? I think so. And I think your story, you know, which I know you've spent many years now sharing, and I think that it offers a beautiful moment for all of us to also reflect upon the fact that there is hope about abundance on the other side of healing.

Because most of us think like, when will this ever end? Will I ever heal? And we kind of get stuck in that narrative rather than in the narrative of just do the work and trust that there will be abundance on the other side. There will be a steady version of you that is meeting you on the other side. Yeah, I started the healing journey ten years ago with the sexual abuse that I experienced as a kid, and I thought that I had healed a lot of it, but I still kept, and I did in certain areas, but I still kept entering relationships that proved otherwise and allowing myself to be kind of cross certain boundaries that I didn't want to.

Lewis Howes
Right. Because I didn't have the skills or the courage to be able to stand for the inner child inside of me and what he really needed during certain relationships. So it wasn't until about three years ago when I kind of revisited it again through intimacy. Like, I was able to heal in some areas, but not every area. And that's when it took even more work.

It was like an extra couple years. So I feel like healing is a journey. It doesn't mean, okay, I've done six months of intensive work now. I'm good. New things might come up in a couple of years that you have to readdress, and at least that's what's happened for me.

But not thinking you've got it all figured out, I think is something we need to have in mind. Be like, okay, I don't know all the answers. Even if I feel better, I'm going to keep working and processing. If we don't learn to heal our inner child as adults, what will happen to us? Well, we can actually develop the same type of inner child wound in our children.

Ooh, yeah. So they don't have to experience the wound. We're just passing it on, right? Yeah. And, you know, that comes up.

Mariel Buqué
Of course, you know, we're talking about intergenerational trauma, having some biological connections, right? So there's already a family that perhaps is already, from a nervous system perspective, from perhaps an epigenetic perspective, already having tenderness and vulnerabilities that are emotional. And then you have the possibility of there being, like, misattunement between a caregiver and their child. The caregiver may be so preoccupied with their own stress and trauma that they miss the social cues that their child is telling them, I need you. And that sense of emotional abandonment can surface, or an inability to really relate to and connect with others, which is kind of like the general foundation of attachment and attachment styles.

A lot of those things can start to surface as a result of those initial imprints of the relationships that are primary to us, which are with our caregivers or individuals that are, in essence, taking care of us in the school system, any of the individuals that have proximity. And then, you know, it's going to be really important for us to also understand that whenever we're talking about, like, not wanting that, to carry on to the next generation, not wanting that tender little soul in front of us to then experience the pain that we have carried for so long, we have to talk about how we can also heal our own wounds, we need to reparent ourselves.

Muniba Mazari
With time, I realized that, you know, everyone is fighting an unseen battle, Louis. Everyone. And we are so good at the art of concealing the pain that we are in, all of us, you know, the methodology changes. You know, there are certain ways that we conceal pain. Sometimes we share, sometimes we don't.

But we all are going through something in life every day, you know, and I realize that if I think that I am the one who's the most broken one. No. I have traveled around the world. I have met so many people, and they had shared their very personal stories of how broken they are. And let me tell you, none of them were in the wheelchair.

So there are so many people who are walking around who are perfectly fine. They are running their businesses. They are so broken from within. All they want is to be understood. They want someone who can understand their pain, you know, and I feel so blessed that when people look at me, when they see me in the wheelchair, maybe, you know, they just think that because she is in pain, we can talk to her because she can understand what we are going through.

Lewis Howes
Why do you think so many people are broken in the world who maybe aren't in a wheelchair, who have able bodied, let's say, don't have a disformed body or something, but they're broken. Where do you think that brokenness is coming from for so many people?

Muniba Mazari
Too many expectations from people. Too many expectations. You know, we want to get into a relationship because we want happiness. We want to feel complete, right? Soul mates.

No, you are your own soulmate, period. You know, if you are not in a good relationship with yourself, you will be miserable, even if you are in a relationship with someone. That's why people are broken. My happiness cannot be taken by someone because my happiness does not come from someone. Nobody is giving me my joy.

I am the reason of my own joy. If we manage to understand this tiny little truth about life, we will heal. And time doesn't heal you. You heal you. You need yourself enough, you know?

And if you love yourself enough and you believe in self love, no external force will ever be able to break you. Thank you. How do we learn to love ourselves if we have been telling ourselves for so long, I'm not lovable or I had this accident or, you know, I went through a breakup in a relationship and they left me or they abandoned me, or whatever it might be, how do we. How do we not let outside factors dictate our feelings about ourself and. And not let the fear of abandonment of people or people's love hold us back from loving ourselves.

Yes, the fear of abandonment, we all have that, and we need to overcome this fear. You know, when I always say when wrong people leave, right things start to happen, and we all are living a life story. You have your own story. I have my story. My brothers have their story.

My mother has her own story. And when you find yourself in the wrong story, just leave. If someone is not adding value to your life story, or if you are not adding value to someone's life story, leave. Sometimes it takes letting go to realize we are holding on to nothing. We are too busy clinging on to those relationships which are not meant to be in our journey.

You know, and that's why I say that these people are so toxic with time. They become so toxic for you that, you know what? Your presence in their life is their only definition. And they will never want you to leave because they're so weak. They want to stay in your shadow.

So you need to pick and choose. This person is toxic. Leave. Liberate yourself by setting all these extra people free who do not belong to your journey. You know, and these people will always wear you down.

And if there's something is weighing you down, how will you fly high, you know, and fear of abandonment? If you can manage to overcome this fear again when you are on your own completely, that is where you will understand that solitude is very powerful. So powerful. It's very powerful. Yeah.

You know, because even in that silence, you're having a conversation. I mean, there is no energy vampire around me. I'm on my own, and I'm manifesting the best things for myself. I would never trade my solitude to anything because when I am alone on my own, I am the best version of myself. Really?

Because I'm kind to myself? Yes. You're kind to yourself? Yes.

Lewis Howes
How much time did you spend alone after the accident?

Muniba Mazari
So I have this. This really cool habit I switch off. So even when I'm, you know, surrounded by a lot of people, I'm actually not there most of the times. Really? Yes.

I'm just thinking, you know what? Recently I was thinking about something that when I was talking about that, how, you know, this beautiful balance of strength and vulnerability makes us who we are. I was thinking about it the other day that I experienced this balance on daily basis, you know, when I see my social media, you know, when I read emails and people sending beautiful messages that, you know, how your words have empowered us and, you know, because of you, we're not never going to give up. It gives me so much strength, you know? And I say to myself, oh, my God, I'm so strong.

And then at the night time when I'm thirsty, I'm unable to get up and get a glass of water for myself. Right? That's my reality and how vulnerable I am at that moment. So this strength and this vulnerability makes us who we are. So I need to have my own moment with myself where I am willing to understand myself better that if I am vulnerable, that's okay.

I'm strong, too. And the perfect balance of these two things make me who I am.

Lewis Howes
I'm so fascinated by your story. And every time I see your content, it makes me smile. Every summer, see, you post a video or a photo, I'm always just rooting for you. I'm so excited for you and your life and the impact you make. And you are so much more talented than just an artist.

At first you wanted to be an artist, and then you thought you couldn't be. You were like, these don't look good. But now you're, you know, selling your art, your arts and galleries, it's really inspiring. But you're also a massive activist. You're, you know, a tv anchor model.

You did modeling. You sing and you're a speaker, and you motivate millions of people around the world.

You could have not done any of it. You could have said, I just want to be an artist, and just go after that one thing. But you decided to go for more.

When and why did you say, I want to start sharing this story and start putting this message out there in a bigger way and revealing these things about yourself that maybe you were scared to do. You know, I remember when I gave my very first talk, that was TEDx. And it actually happened when I decided and I manifested that I'm going to overcome the fear of facing people. That's so ironic that a public speaker was once scared of facing people. I was, for sure.

Muniba Mazari
Yeah, I know. So what happened was I gave my very first TED talk. And after my TED talk, a girl from the audience, she came to me and she was crying, and she said, can I give you a hug? And I said, sure. So she gave me a hug and she said, your ten minute Ted talk has solved ten problems of my life.

And she said, today you made me realize that those ten problems never existed. They were just in my head, and I was overthinking. And because of you, I'm never going to give up. You know, in that moment, in the flashback, I could hear my mother saying, one day, God will show you. How did he choose you out of so many for this test?

And that was the moment of realization that, you know, what if my words can change someone's perspective? Maybe this is my true calling in life, you know? And as they say, that in the end, what matters is how many lives you have touched. So art is my comfort zone, Luis. You know, I can sit in the corner of my room in a cozy environment, have a cup of coffee and paint and sell the work, make both ends meet, pay the bills, raise my son and live.

But, I mean, is that enough? It's not enough, because comfort zone is a good place to be, but nothing ever grows there. So if you really want to grow as a person, if you really want to learn and unlearn, we need to tap on all the abilities that we have. We are so blessed with immense potential, which remains untapped because we are too busy doing nine to five, we are too busy paying bills, and we live the same routine for so many years, and then we end up calling it life. It's not life.

It's not. You know, I realized later that, you know, I was labeled as the first wheelchair bound model, the first wheelchair bound singer, the first wheelchair bound anchor, first wheelchair bound, you know, and it was so much rubbed in my face that I said, you know what? I might be the first one to do all this, but I wouldn't be the last. I had to pave path for so many people who are supremely talented, who are differently abled, who are supremely talented, but maybe, maybe they were just a bit scared to take the first step. I took the first step.

I broke those barriers. At least I tried, you know, and now I see a lot of young boys and girls doing amazing work. Why? Because now it's normal. It's normal for a wheelchair user to smile.

It's normal for a wheelchair user, may it be a boy or a girl to look good, to wear lipstick, to look nice, you know, to face the world. It's normal now. And even right now, when being an anchor person, you know, I'm working for the national tv of Pakistan, and when I'm doing my show, I'm always thinking about that little boy or girl, you know, sitting in a far flung village watching my show. And I think about them that, you know, they might be thinking that if a girl or a woman in a wheelchair can do this, we can do that, too. I hope you enjoyed today's episode, and it inspired you on your journey towards greatness.

Lewis Howes
Make sure to check out the show notes in the description for a full rundown of today's episode with all the important links. And if you want weekly and exclusive bonus episodes with me personally, as well as ad free listening, then make sure to subscribe to our greatness plus channel exclusively on Apple podcasts. Share this with a friend on social media and leave us a review on Apple Podcasts as well. Let me know what you enjoyed about. This episode in that review.

I really love hearing feedback from you, and it helps us figure out how we can support and serve you moving forward. And I want to remind you of no one has told you lately that you are loved, you are worthy, and you matter. And now it's time to go out there and do something great.

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MASTER Emotional Regulation: 3 Simple Steps to REWIRE YOUR BRAIN & Reclaim Your LIFE!

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1: Understanding Trauma

2: Therapeutic Approaches

3: The Role of Self-Awareness

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