465: Not Having Enough Sex In Your Relationship?

This episode discusses the common issue of sexless relationships, providing insights and actionable advice to help individuals and couples enhance their sexual intimacy.

1. Understanding the Root Causes: Identifying the underlying reasons for diminished sexual activity is crucial for addressing the issue.
2. Communication is Key: Open and honest communication about sexual desires and issues is fundamental in resolving conflicts and misunderstandings.
3. Scheduled Intimacy: Planning intimate moments can help in maintaining sexual connection, especially in busy or stressful life phases.
4. Therapeutic Intervention: Seeking professional help like sex therapy can be beneficial in overcoming barriers to a fulfilling sex life.
5. Building Non-Sexual Intimacy: Strengthening emotional bonds through non-sexual touch and quality time can enhance sexual intimacy.

1: Introduction

Overview of the episode's theme on enhancing sexual intimacy in relationships. Includes a brief discussion on common issues faced by couples. Chase Kosterlitz: "Today we're diving into how to address and improve sexless relationships."

2: Understanding Sexless Relationships

Exploration of the causes like stress, sexual dysfunction, and hormonal changes that lead to reduced sexual activity. Dr. Nazanin Moali: "Many factors, including stress and hormonal changes, can lead to decreased sexual desire."

3: Strategies for Enhancement

Discussion on strategies to revive sexual intimacy, including communication techniques and scheduling sex. Dr. Nazanin Moali: "Scheduling intimate moments can significantly boost relationship satisfaction."

4: Role of Therapy

The importance of therapy in addressing sexual dysfunction and enhancing intimacy is highlighted. Dr. Nazanin Moali: "Therapy can provide tools and techniques to overcome sexual barriers."

1. Schedule regular intimate dates to ensure both partners prioritize their relationship amidst daily routines.
2. Engage in open discussions about sexual desires and expectations without judgment.
3. Introduce non-sexual touches like cuddling and hand-holding to build intimacy.
4. Attend therapy sessions together if sexual issues are significant or persistent.
5. Explore new activities together to keep the relationship dynamic and engaging.

Sex can become deprioritized as a relationship progresses. Less sex may be a result of many different factors that if they are left unaddressed, can lead to relationship dissatisfaction and even breakup. Listen to today's show to learn more about how to improve your sex life starting today!

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Chase Kosterlitz, Dr. Nazanin Moali

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Dr. Nazanin Moali

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Chase Kosterlitz
Take me to the place in the middle of the hello, everyone. Thanks so much for tuning in to today's show where I welcome Doctor Nazanin Molly. And Doctor Moali is a clinical psychologist and acclaimed host of her own podcast called the Sexology Podcast, and she also operates a thriving private practice in Los Angeles, and she specializes in enhancing sexual experiences and deepening connections for couples and individuals. And today, Doctor Moly and I talk about what to do if you are in a sexless relationship. And sexless doesn't mean that you necessarily never have sex, but maybe it's not as much as you would like, or maybe it is very rare.

So why that can happen is important to understand. We go over that and then we talk about how to remedy it with lots of great tips and tools that you can put into practice today. Don't wait. Start communicating around sex, understanding your own erotic mind, understanding your partner's how to do that, and some very specific tools and things that you guys can try to help reignite your sex life or to light it up for the first time. Sometimes it's never really where you want wanted it to be, even from the beginning of the relationship.

This will also apply to that. As always, thank you guys so much for tuning in. We really appreciate those five star reviews. If you listen to the show and you like it, get in there and leave us a review. We really appreciate those.

And thank you guys for tuning in. Enjoy the show.

Hi, Doctor Muwali, thanks so much for joining me on the show today. It's my pleasure. I'm very excited about this conversation. Today we're going to talk about the effects of a sexless relationship on the relationship, on ourselves individually, and how to remedy them. So I thought a good place for us to start would be having you share with our listeners why you enjoy helping couples improve the area of the relationship, particularly around sex.

And then we'll talk about ways to address the sexist relationship and improve it. Well, great place to start, faith. So one thing that's important for people to know that not everyone that kind of start in a relationship, they start from a sexless relationship, right. Only 20% of people are struggling at times. But majority of people at the beginning, they have a strong foundation.

Dr. Nazanin Moali
The sex is easy, spontaneous, and as time goes on in their life, for a number of different reasons, sex can get deprioritized and they can turn to roommates. One of the things I often hear from my clients is that people don't get married to be celibate. Right. I know many of my clients are in a monogamous relationship and not having sex with their partner, meaning that they're not going to have any partner sex. And it impacts so many aspects of their relationship and their lives.

And it could happen for a number of different reasons. One is deprioritizing sex. You know, life happens. Like, maybe life is stressful, maybe you are a new parent, right. We're going through this transition, so that can be a reason that we're not putting sex front and center.

And that can cause an issue. Another common challenge that I see at times. People have unaddressed sexual dysfunction and they're uncomfortable talking about it. Many of my clients start having erectile unpredictability at times, so they feel they cannot, quote unquote, perform, and they feel so shameful about it that they're avoiding sex. And their partner also feels unwanted, undesirable, because they're feeling that why my partner is avoiding being intimate with me.

And also, we have hormonal changes at time. People are more at the optimal hormonal health earlier in life, but for men and women, the hormones can change as we go through different stages of life. Testosterone can get lower, or other hormones like estrogen can get changed because of aging. So these are the things that I see at times, cause people to end up being at a sexless relationship and also resentment. So people, sometimes sex tends to be okay, but they don't like each other.

The way that they fight creates this discomfort and disappointment, and they just don't want to feel connected sexually with their partner when their relationship is struggling. Thank you for outlining those different reasons that it can happen. And obviously they'll all have a bit of a different approach to addressing it. But I think fundamentally, it starts with communication. Can you share some tips and ideas, or let's talk about some of the things that people can do to start to address this.

Chase Kosterlitz
Let's say someone's listening. They're like, yep, I'm in a sexless relationship. Or, you know, I'm not having sex as much as I would like. It doesn't mean it has to be zero, you know? And let's say that it's the just a lack of passion, that there's some, maybe some resentment.

Life takes over. I think this might be one of the more common reasons that it arises. I'm assuming that, but maybe you could interject and let's take this example of a person. Where can they start? Maybe some questions that they can ask themselves, and then how can they start to communicate with their partner?

Dr. Nazanin Moali
Well, that's such a great point that you mentioned kind of exploring on their own and communicating with the partner, because sometimes when we have lots of anxiety, anger, when we are communicating with our partner, that's not going to be a productive conversation. So my invitation for people is to take a pause, kind of think about why sex is important for you. What is the meaning of sex for you? And I think that's at the heart of what makes people's sex life great. So is it about emotional connection?

Is it about adventure? Is it about feeling strong and passionate? For some people is kind of experiencing adored. So that finding that core is really important and how you can get to that place is kind of thinking about the best sexual experiences that you had. It could be five years ago, it could be last night or 20 years ago.

Think about that situation. How were you feeling before? How were you feeling during? And what made it so exciting for you that now you're thinking about that? So if you can find that special kind of component of it, that emotion, that is the key for you.

So you want to communicate that with your partner. So that's part of the kind of like your solo work that you need to do about meaning of sex for you. And also getting curious, when did our sex life changed? Did it changed after, like, we have a new child, like, I have a newborn. Did it change when my work stress increased?

Did it change after sexual health issues could be a number of different reasons. So identifying it, like going to the. As they talk about in a detective movie, to the crime scene and seeing what happens. Really, really important. Examining that and then thinking about, okay, this is like maybe kind of we deprioritize sex, as you mentioned.

Like we are overwhelmed. We haven't spent time. What comes to my mind about how we can change that? So you want to have some ideas on your own. It doesn't mean that you have to push that idea or, like, your partner needs to agree with it, but it's very helpful when you have some solutions in mind.

And then we are approaching our partner to talk about it. And it's really important when we're approaching our partner to make sure it's a good time. It's not like when our kids are about to get in the car, we can ask them what would be a good time to have a conversation that's going to be ten minutes. So they know that that is something that's important for you and you have that space to talk about it. And I would start with kind of this place of kind of curiosity, saying that, honey, I missed when we had these experiences, right?

Because what we want to do is create openness if we want to make a change. If we're going to the place and saying that you never want to have sex with me, the person, immediately they get defensive and you're not going to get the result that you want. So start from the place of curiosity and saying, what do you think has changed? What has contributed to that? So you can hear your partner.

It's really important that let your partner to feel hurt. When our partner is talking, we're not thinking about our responses. We're thinking about what they're really saying. What's their perspective of this? And then afterward, you want to repeat that to them.

Right? Because one of the causes of issue in the relationship is people feeling unhurt. So you reflect back what you heard and then you talk about the meaning of sex for you, like for me, sex is about having that connection with you. I feel close to you. And if your partner also kind of say that's something that they want, then you can think about what are some of the changes we can do that helps us to get to the place that we want?

Depending on what have you done in the past that can help with deciding the next step? Many couples had this conversation for years. They talk about, I want to have sex more. The other partner saying that I will make a change. I'll prioritize it.

Maybe they have the intention of prioritizing sex, but they're exhausted, disappointed. So you wanna kind of, like, come up with a plan that's different compared to what you were doing before, because we don't want you to experience the same level of disappointment. For many people in that relationship, the key is scheduling sex. And I know when I say scheduling sex, people have this, like, almost. They recoil, they have this negative emotion.

But what I mean is, it doesn't mean, like, on 07:00 p.m. on Saturday we're having intercourse. It means that we have this space to show up as lovers, right? We're no longer in that space or parents or friends. We are lovers.

We're coming with that energy. And having that dedicated time can help you guys to kind of, like, have this space to connect. And if you haven't been engaging sexually or even physically, I know for many people in sexless relationship, it's been years since they connected physically. You can start with non sexual touches, so maybe you start with massages, or it could be holding hand, watching something so you can reintroduce that idea of the touch. So that is one way.

But at times, if you're doing exploration and see the issue is sexual dysfunction, then finding a sex therapist is really, really important. People feel that, oh, my God, I'm defective. That's why I'm not. I'm not going to be able to fix it. But there are so many different psychological interventions, medical intervention that will help you to get the result that you want.

So sex therapy is not for, as a last resort for people. It can be like when you want to change your body, you're going to personal trainer, you go few sessions, you get some ideas, and then you implement it afterward. Before we continue on, we're going to take a short break to tell you about our sponsors.

Chase Kosterlitz
What would you say to someone that's come to you and they're in a longer term relationship and they want to spark their sex life again? And that person looks back on the early stages when it's usually easier. Right? Everything's new, the hormones are going, it's exciting. And that time of the relationship wasn't particularly explosive.

You know, it was just, it wasn't anything out of the ordinary. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't, like, amazing. I think that can be, I mean, from personal experience, that was a place that I found myself in at one point. And we all change over time, you know, and I think maybe in the beginning of the relationship or just depending on where we're at in life. And so let's say four years in, we've changed.

And we realized, well, actually, the sex was never amazing. It was okay. And now it feels more important to me and to cultivate that. We can certainly communicate using the ways you said. But I'm wondering, I know it is possible, but how you approach it, because I think some people might feel if that chemistry is not there, it's something that's hard to manufacture.

I know that, you know, we talk about on the show, there's ways to do it. Certainly everything in the bedroom starts outside of the bedroom. You know, being kind, going on dates, complimenting your partner, showing gratitude. But what are your thoughts on just that raw sexual connection that sometimes doesn't have words? You know, it can't be described.

It does feel like it's either there or it's not at a certain level. Not to say that it can't be improved, but, yeah, I would love to hear your thoughts on that. Well, this is something I've seen a lot. Like, I work with some people from conservative communities and growing in a sex negative culture and conservative communities. You were taught that sex is not important, right?

Dr. Nazanin Moali
Like, sex is, in a way, even in the relationship, it's after a thought. So therefore, you don't have, first of all, tools and strategies to have great sex. And more importantly, you don't know your erotic mind. Our erotic mind is what makes sex juicy. Sex is not about certain frictions and coming.

It's more about what's happening, that energy, that mindset. And if your partner also came from the similar background and they also haven't shown there, they haven't shown their erotic self to you. So you might not even met each other's erotic self. And that is really important to keep in mind. So giving yourself and your partner permission to experiment with different things is important.

The first step is that to set aside the time to talk about your fantasies. I talk to people about, don't talk about sex in the bedroom. You can do dirty talking and all of those fun things, but you want to, do you want to have what I call sexy happy hour? Like once a month, once a week? Is it 30 minutes?

You wear something sexy, and then you guys are talking about your, what do you, what worked in the sex life? What do you guys want more of? And in that place, you're talking about your fantasies, kind of sharing about what kind of a sexual experience that makes it exciting for you. But, like, I want to kind of emphasize that we have to communicate with our partner that we're not planning to push you to do any of these things. We're just sharing our erotic mind with each other.

So that can be a really helpful place because when people are in a long term relationship, they think they know everything about their partner. They know what they think, what they know what gets them off. But having this conversation can bring this element of, oh, I don't know, that part of my partner, my partner. And afterwards, kind of like as you guys kind of introducing that part with each other, one thing at times I recommend people to do is to create a sexy bucket list. And I know tons of them are online and kind of like looking through them together and thinking about if you wanted to create sexy bucket list, what would that be like?

What would we put in the list again, I have it on my free stuff, but there are so many different one that people can find online and they're kind of like talking about in the sexy, happier, oh, how would that look like if you want to have sex outside? So talking about different things and it can help you to share more of yourself in a safe place. Right. So maybe you like bondage, saying that. Oh, honey, what do you think about this?

This is something I'm curious. It's on the bucket list. And if you see your partner is a, maybe you can have a conversation around that also. Sometimes you can see like, oh, we're into these things, but we don't have this skill. Good sexual skill.

Big part of it, it's the mind, mind and erotic kind of part of our self energy, but big part of it is skill. It's like any other skill. If you get the training, you get so much better at it. So that's something else that you can do. There's so many courses online, they can teach you to get better at the skill that you want to get better.

Whether it's oral sex, whether it's about tantric massages, the options are limitless. So I don't want people to feel that I don't know how to do this because there's just tons of things that they can engage in. So these were the few things. I have so many different thoughts, but I wanted to see what's on your mind. No, that's valuable and definitely get our listeners thinking.

Chase Kosterlitz
I wanted to address an area that I would imagine is really hard to get out of, and that is when there's resentment. Maybe someone listening has tried some of these things and they feel like their partner doesn't care or they're not taking it seriously, and it's really important to you, and resentment's going to build, or maybe they haven't communicated, but it's still there. How can someone start to break through that? Because that's a tough one. Absolutely.

Dr. Nazanin Moali
You're right that resentment is a very tough one. And it can impact our experiences inside the bedroom and outside, and it can kind of like impact our connection. Right. So when people have that dynamics, people from outside, even they can notice that. So going back to what we were talking about, kind of explore that.

The part of me that feels resentment, what does that part say? What does that part need? Right? So maybe it's like there's resentment because you feel rejected every time, or you feel resentment because you feel your partner is not appreciating you. So it's really important to identify the underlying need.

And if you're safe enough, kind of going back to have a dedicated time, share that with a partner. But it's my experience that if you are at the place of resentment, the best place to explore it is in therapy. Because sometimes people don't want to have the same experience of, I'm talking about my need, my partner is minimizing it. And that just doesn't lead to any changes. We are in control of our emotions, but if we want to make change, oftentimes people need to be heard.

And in my experience, one of the best places that help people to be heard when they are in that dynamic is in a therapy session. Someone can moderate it for you and give you guys the space to process it. Before we continue on, we're going to take a short break to tell you about our sponsors.

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Chase Kosterlitz
One of the things that's come up in past episodes and something that I've thought about and has just been in my realm, and it's kind of related to what we're talking about. And I imagine it comes up is talking about your sexual past. And this is generally happens earlier in a relationship, but. Or maybe it doesn't, and then it comes up later and it can appear in all sorts of ways. But I was just wondering your thoughts and opinion through your work on sharing that with your partner, and if it's necessary, if it's not, or if someone is thinking about their partner's sexual past and maybe it makes them uncomfortable that their partner is way more experienced than them or they just rather wouldn't know.

Kind of one of those things better left unsaid. So what's your experience that in your professional opinion? Well, it's my experience that if you are finding yourself curious about sharing your past with someone, it's really important to think about what is the underlying yearning and desire to do that. Is it that you want to communicate something about that? Something that you want more of, or it's.

Dr. Nazanin Moali
Sometimes it's about even unconsciously putting our partner down. So it's really important to be honest with yourself, what am I feeling here? What is the desired outcome for me? Sometimes people say, my ex, she was giving me amazing blowjobs, and you never want to do blow jobs, something like that. Then in that situation, of course the partner wouldn't want to do anything because they feel diminished, they feel disappointed.

The first step is thinking about, why am I sharing this? The second part is the boundary of the relationship. The fact that we want to share something. It doesn't mean that we have to do it because it's important if our partner wants to hear it, that is that something that they're interested to know. It's important to set that boundary as well.

My experience with self disclosure around the sexual past is thinking about the intention and doing it in very, very small parts to see what your partner reaction is. How is it working for you? How is it not working? And if it is about something that you want more of, there's so many different ways that you can go about talking about it. So like it could be, oh, honey, let's take this sex class together.

It's going to be fun. So things of that nature. And there are people that they get turned on from hearing their partner's sexual past. So it could help the relationship, but you want to make sure that you are introducing it in a small kind of steps and examining how it's impacting the relationship and having the intention in mind. For majority of people that I see, they prefer to know less than more.

But there are, there are exceptions. This is a big one that probably deserves its own episode. But I think it's important to address, and that is the role of pornography in relationships and certainly the negative effects. So could you share what you're seeing and how people can think about that as it relates to themselves individually and in the relationship? Well, my view on pornography is kind of rooted in the experience with my clients and it shifted throughout the years.

But when I see it causes issue in the relationship, it's when we have a value discrepancy, right. That like our partner is part of our relationship agreement, they don't want us to watch more. And we promise they'd catch us and say, oh, I promise that I'm not going to engage in it. And you have no intention of following through with that. You just want to kind of say that so your partner wouldn't get offended and they catch you again.

And that feels like betrayal. And that feels that my partner doesn't care about me. So that could be part of it. The other thing that at times, people I see, people kind of like experience is that they feel like their partner is masturbating more than wanting to have sex with them. But in many of those situations, it's important to see what's happening with a partner.

Sometimes what I noticed with many people is they have, for example, premature ejaculation or they have performance anxiety. It's not that they want to watch porn, that's what they want, but it feels easier. So talking about what's underneath it is really important. And lastly, something that I talk to my clients is you want to engage in solo pleasure, the thing that kind of like you immersing yourself and similar to what you would experience with the partner, right? So when it comes to the grip, like if you're using your hand and no one's body is like as hard as of that grip, or if you see that, like you need that visual stimulation of three, three amazing, attractive women making out in order to be able to get aroused.

And maybe if your partner is not into watching porn with you, that can cause an issue because then you're not able to have that in that moment and that can cause challenges in the bedroom. So my recommendation is that if it's causing issue in your relationship, thinking about how can I match my soul experiences similar to what I would want to have with the partner. So porn can be okay for some people. But again, if it's impacting your sexual connection, then it's helpful to reevaluate based on what we talked about. Well, Doctor Muale, we covered a lot here today and I think give our listeners a lot to think about and apply to the relationships.

Chase Kosterlitz
Before we wrap up, is there anything that we skipped over or maybe something that you want to emphasize and then like to have you tell our listeners where they can find you online and then we'll say goodbye. Awesome. So the only thing I wanted people to know that if your sexual connection is impacted in the relationship, it can impact so many different non sexual experiences. There was this interesting study that looked at people who have better sex, they earned more money. So because you feel more confident, you're more present.

Dr. Nazanin Moali
So your sexual health worth it? Your sexual connection worth it is not. It's part of the human rights. Having good sexual experiences is your right. I'm not saying that you have to force your partner to do something that they don't want to do, but I want you to not feel shame about finding solutions around it.

The other thing I wanted to highlight is there are so many different ways that you can address a sexual dysfunction. It's like maybe you haven't found it in your search online, but there are so many people that are specialized on treatment of sexual dysfunctions. And if you haven't tried those, I would say that you're doing yourself a disservice as far as what, where can people find me? Thank you for that opportunity. They can find me at wherever they listen to this podcast.

I have a podcast called Sexology that I've been airing for past seven years. And also I have the same handle on Instagram podcast. And I read all the DM's. Yeah, that's it. Thank you, Chase.

Chase Kosterlitz
Amazing. Well, we have those links in our show notes and on our website. And thanks for taking the time to come on the show. Thank you for the invitation. Thank you guys so much for tuning into today's episode.

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It's a free email challenge that we send to you. It's 14 days of fun, easy, doable challenges to help strengthen and improve your relationship. And if you're looking for something that provides a little more help with working on your relationship, whether it's improving intimacy, communication with your partner, or just bringing the spark back, we would love for you guys to check out our online course, spark my relationship. We're offering $100 off to all of our listeners if you go to sparkmyrelationship.com unlock. We worked with over 15 psychologists and therapists to create the real life tools and strategies that they are teaching their clients, so we wanted to give them to you.

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Chase Kosterlitz
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