Aphantasia

Lulu Miller
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All you need to do is choose the rate and coverage you like. Quote today@progressive.com to join the over 28 million drivers who trust progressive progressive casualty insurance company and affiliates. Comparison rates not available in all states or situations. Prices vary based on how you buy we all know Kit Kat bars taste delicious, but what about how they sound? It's not just a catchy jingle, it's the satisfying crack of breaking off a piece of Kit Kat followed by a crisp crunch.

Oh, we forgot one other sound that accompanies Kit Kat bars, too. It's. Or maybe it's more like altogether, Kit Kat bars are music to our ears and yummy flavors to our mouths. Have a break. Have a kitkat.

I wouldn't speak up at pitch meetings, and I remember it was Robert Kralwich who told me, you know, you can contribute. And I went, I'm the secretary. What are you talking about? And he looked at me and went, you have an opinion? I think we'd like to hear it.

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Oh, wait, you're listening. Okay, all right. Okay. All right. You're listening to radio lab.

Radio lab from Wny sings. See? Yep.

All right. All right. I'm Lulu. I'm Latv. This is Radiolab.

And today's story comes to us from producer Sindhu Nyan. Okay, so this story, it sort of found me. Okay. Okay. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Last year I was working on this episode about memory, and I was talking to this neuroscientist, Mark Whitman. And as a sort of aside, you can some sort of cut this out. Anyway, he asked me this question.

If you close your eyes and you think about, let's say, a red apple.

Now open it again. Your eyes. Can you tell me what you saw? What did you see?

There was a leaf on it. It was two dimensional. I didn't think in 3d. Did you see a color?

No. I don't know what it would mean to see a color with your mind. Uh huh. So who knows? Wait, so even though he told you red apple, I saw nothing.

But you saw a leaf, right? I know. I just, I felt like I had to say something about an apple. Oh, you were lying. You were cheating on the test.

I mean, I wasn't lying. Like, this has come up a lot in my life. Okay? People are, like, visualize something. And so, I don't know.

I just always thought it was a metaphor. Like, I just did my version of that. Which is what? Like a word cloud kind of thing? No, it's not a word cloud.

It's like an abstract knowing. Like, I know I love someone. Like, I just know that an apple has a leaf. There's a part of me that knows that that is true, but it's not seeing it. Like, if I close my eyes and think about it, it's really just black.

Wow. But, of course, the thing that was surprising for me was not what's going on in my head. I know I've lived in that my whole life. Right. The thing that blew my mind open.

I'm picturing a red delicious apple. What's been going on in everybody else's head? It's got a little yellow shine on the bottom left. Like the ones that are so shiny that they look kind of waxy. Like, after that interview, I started obsessively asking everybody, I came across, is there a red apple to describe their apple?

Not perfectly red, but it's a red with little streaks of yellow and green. And do you actually see the color? I think so, yeah. Yeah. And every time.

What do you mean? The image is in my head. How could I not see the colors? I don't know. Your eyes are closed.

People would say they could actually see it. No, I'm definitely seeing the colors. Wow.

Do you see it? Yeah. Yeah. It's like a shiny red apple. Like, I am seeing it right now in the way that you see things in real life.

Like, how vivid is it? I mean, it's decently vivid. Like it's on a white plate on a kind of cafeteria style table. Like, I went. I went middle school.

I know the grade. I went. Cause it was when I had Miss Pacioli, so it was 6th grade. I threw it into that particular cafeteria. Soft touch.

You got that from apple? Yeah, when she said, picture an apple. How about yours, Latif? Okay, mine's not that vivid, but mine's like. It's kind of a cartoon of an apple, I think.

I don't know. The more I think about it, I'm like, am I seeing it? What does seeing in the mind even mean? Right? Yeah, I guess it is just words.

Like, how do we know? Maybe I see the same blur as you, but I get all excited and poetic about it, and you're just like, meh. There's not much there, you know? How can we be sure? I mean, well, for a long time, we couldn't be sure.

We had to sort of take someone's word for it that that's what they were imagining. That's what their experience was like. But then I found this guy. Joel Pearson, I'm a professor of cognitive neuroscience at the University of New South Wales, who sort of, like, stumbles into this way of showing that there really is a difference here. It was almost an accidental discovery.

One day, he's in his lab. I was programming an experiment, actually playing around with this thing called binocular rivalry. Rivalry. And it's an amazing illusion where you present very different pictures, one to each eye. Basically, you put on these sort of, like, VR goggles that give each eye a different image.

So let's say your left eye gets a green square and your right eye gets a red circle. Wait, okay, so each eye only gets one of those? Yeah, exactly. Each eye can't see what's going on in the other eye. Okay, got it.

And, you know, typically when you're just looking around at things, like, your eyes are getting slightly different images, right? Your brain's fusing those two different images together. But, like, when those images are very different, like this experiment, your brain can't do that. So instead, you get these beautiful oscillations. Your brain just sort of, like, randomly switches between the two.

It's like green square, red circle, green square, red circle. Huh. So, literally, your consciousness is changing back and forward in this sort of really random manner. So I was programming an experiment to look at that, and for some reason, and today I don't remember why, I thought, huh, I'm going to imagine one of these two pictures before he turns on, like, the images and the goggles. He's like, okay, let me just imagine a green square.

And then he turns it on, and I was like, huh? I saw the thing that I imagined. Joel only sees the green square. What? No, this can't be.

Let me try that again. Now I imagine the red one.

Huh? And now I saw the red picture in the binocular. Ivory. Whoa. It's like just imagining the red circle made his brain actually choose to show him that one.

Like, what he thought actually changed what he saw. Turns out that what we imagine does change our visual perception. It literally changes how we see the world. With a caveat. You know, if you have mental imagery, if someone like me does it, we don't see that same response.

My mind doesn't linger on the imagined object. It just kind of switches between the two. Wow. It was actually the first sort of objective method to measure visual imagination. Since then, we've developed a few other ways, and Joel's continued to find these objective ways to see a difference.

Like, he did this one experiment, looking at people's eyes. If we look up at the light, our pupils contract. Right. When you're in the dark, of course, your pupil opens right up. People who have imagery, if you ask them to imagine, say, looking at the sun, your pupil actually constricts as if they were actually looking at the sun.

No. But if someone with no images in their head, does this get these effects? Not at all. Not at all. Yeah.

Yeah. Uh, wow. And there's even a name for this for not being able to see in your head. Aphantasia. Hmm.

Aphantasia. What does that word mean? Just so we really fan means imagination. Okay. And aphantasia means no imagination.

Wow. I know. So there's, like, about 1% of us who don't see anything. Most people see something, like, maybe vague lines or cartoons like you, Latif, or even more vividly like you, Lulu. But then there are these other people.

I would fabricate these stories, and I would see them. I would see them like they were movies who say their imagery is as vivid as real seeing. Create this entire world where I'm like flying on a Pegasus back, you know? And it's as real to me. It's called hyper fantasia.

About two to 3% of people have it. And when you ask these people to imagine staring at the sun, their pupils super constricted. I can go into the backyard. I can walk to my friend's house. I can walk to the catholic school where we used to play on the tree.

One guy described being able to, like, walk through his childhood world. I can run into old friends. I can just keep walking. Wow. It keeps me company.

So, like, I never actually feel lonely, usually. This woman described reading books being, like, as if I was watching a film, except that I'm still standing in the film, being in a movie. Whoa. And when this other person reads, the visuals are so strong that he'll sometimes just leave the page. Like, I'm just over here in the saloon and going upstairs, and the story doesn't even take place up there.

Oh. So it's like, it's in the world of the book. Leaves the page of what the author is saying, and just is like, gonna go explore this fictional world. Yeah. I just wanted to know what it looked like.

I cannot hear music without having a complete, complete, I guess you could say, music video. I've had the experience of trying to find a music video that then I find out doesn't exist. It was just in my mind. This woman described having these images that just constantly play in the background of her mind. In the middle of the interview, I asked her, I was like, are you seeing something right now?

It's a really touching love moment between two characters. She passes away, visits him before she dies, and he thinks it's a dream. And she climbs up onto, like, a unicorn. She's wearing a most beautiful dress, and then he wakes up to watch her ride the unicorn into the wall and disappear.

So you are experiencing that in your head while you're answering my questions? Yeah. Yeah, that's just happening. It's like. It's like I have a tv on in the background.

Wow. And when you were talking to this woman, what is the. Are you feeling jealousy? Are you feeling like they're getting something you aren't? Oh, my God.

Are you kidding? I am so jealous just to know that there's this whole part of being a human that I will just never get to experience. Yeah. Like, I was listening to this old radio lab episode. Never heard of it.

What show is that anyway? Yeah, it's like some old episode called who am I with Robert? And he goes on this little. Actually, you know what? Do you guys want to hear it?

Yeah. Yeah, for sure. Okay. Any human being can you hear that can take a white car and make it in their imagination. He can paste red on it in his imagination.

But a monkey you don't think can do it, cannot. And this is so simple for a human being to do. And let's run through a quick exercise. Imagine for me a bird in your head. Got a bird in there?

I'm just gonna cut forward a little bit. Only a human being could do this, because only humans can take images from the real world, pull them into their heads, divide them into parts, and then start turning those parts into abstractions. Monkeys, says Ramachandran, can't do that. And you're sitting there like, ah, he basically just called you a monkey. No, like, monkeys can visualize.

Like, most of them just can't change the image. Robert says, I'm worse than a monkey. And, like, I know it's funny, but, like, it's just. It also makes me sad. I want to disappear into books.

When a book is really descriptive I'll just read the same paragraph again, like, five times, and nothing will enter my brain. Dense wall of words, huh? Yeah. And also. Yeah, just thinking about, oh, I don't get to.

I just don't get to hold memories the way that all of you get to. Like, my memories aren't places I go. Like, I don't get to see or feel or touch them. I don't know. I almost want to make you guys picture someone you love right now.

Got it. And just share what you see and how it feels. Yeah. It's weirdly intimate, but just. Yeah, because you're just picturing.

I mean, I'm thinking of grace, my wife, and I'm thinking of the little peach fuzz on her high part of her cheek and a little crinkle, like, the crinkles around her eyes. And. Yeah, I'm just kind of imagining her softening after a long day. I could picture the bathroom door light on behind her, and she's turning back that moment where the stress of the day melts. And it's just a little laugh, a little face shifting duties are done.

Quick moment of connection. And, yeah, it's very vivid. It's just like her face had a three quarter profile. Okay. I had this flash to my great grandmother.

She has bright red hair. Cause she would, like, henna dye her hair.

And I can picture her sitting on a chair, just sort of sitting there and kind of laughing like that. Like, I want that. You know? And it's like, ah. Hmm.

And at one point in that conversation with that scientist, Joel, can you give someone who has aphantasia imagery? Yeah, with the right approach, I think it would be possible. Yeah. He said he thinks he can give it to. Wait, how would he even do that?

Yeah, so Joel found that when he ran this, like, very low electrical current through people's visual cortex, their imagery actually got stronger. Whoa. Now, he does think it would be more complicated for people who are starting out with no imagery. I can't stimulate your brain, and you can start speaking a new language. You have to learn that content first.

You have to learn how to connect your frontal cortex with your visual cortex to drive visual cortex. But I think there are ways we can do this with practice training with brain stimulation over some time could probably do it. Have you tried? We haven't done that yet. If you took someone who'd never had imagery and you gave them imagery, let's say, in a week, I think that could be quite a dangerous thing.

What? Why?

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It's not just a catchy jingle. It's the satisfying crack of breaking off a piece of kit Kat followed by a crisp crunch. Oh, we forgot one other sound that accompanies kit kat bars, too. It's. Or maybe it's more like altogether, kitkat bars are music to our ears and yummy flavors to our mouths.

Have a break. Have a Kit Kat.

If I want to experience flying, I can imagine it. And it's kind of like really flying.

There were stars coming from the center of my vision to the outer edge of my vision, or even planets. It depends on what I'm passing by.

Large clouds that are, like, pink and yellow and maybe a little bit of blue mixed in there.

I can feel the coolness of the air as it hits my skin. Kind of like a sound.

Lulu latif, radio lab. We've been talking to our producer, Sindhu, who cannot make images in her mind. That's right. Yeah. And the person you just heard, his name is Derek, and he is the opposite of me.

Like, when I asked him to describe his apple, his description was wild. I could make it red, or I can make it green or golden. I can make light radiate off of it. Right now, I think it's interesting to make a cloud of thunderbolts coming off of the top of the apple. And now there's a village with people, and they're running away from the storm because there's a tornado dropping down from the cloud, and there's one guy that jumped off of the apple, and now he's falling into this ocean down below the apple.

Wow. What? And earlier, we learned that there's a scientist who, like, maybe could give me that ability to be a little more like Derek. Right, but he said it could be dangerous. Yeah, exactly.

And the reason I'm telling you about Derek is because he's actually the one that helped me understand why. Huh. Okay, so Derek, let's see. He's about my age. I'm about to be 30.

He was born in New England, Massachusetts. Moved to Texas when he was eight. And he says, as a kid, he loved having this supercharged imagination. I could just live in my head and imagine whatever I wanted. It was like living in virtual reality, or whatever you want to call it, which was nice for him, because real reality was pretty hard.

My mom and I, we were pretty poor. We stayed in a homeless shelter for a short while. We didn't really stay in one place for very long, so I never got to know people. And it was very, you know, here and there. But whenever Derek got sad or scared or, like, even just bored, he would close his eyes and just go into his imagination.

Or sometimes he'd even do this thing where he would take something from his mind and plop it out into, like, physical space. Like, out into the physical world. Yeah. So I would be in a car, and I'd be looking out the window. I would imagine this man.

He would look like a superhero or something, and he would just be running really fast along all of these cars and then jumping and flying and doing flips. And by focusing really intensely, it's almost like I can switch to primarily the visualization and it can start to replace what I'm seeing more fully. Yeah, you can always tell that it's a projection and not reality. Yeah, I can tell it's a projection. But at a certain point, he said, that started to slip.

I graduated high school a year early, and I didn't really want to go off into university, so I ended up moving to Seattle because I'm into computer programming. He figured that'd be a good place to get his foot in the door in the tech industry. But not having computer programming experience, he ended up getting a job at the dollar tree. Couchsurfed for a while, and a few months in, it wasn't going great. Yeah, I was sleeping in a bed in someone's laundry room in their basement.

So it was very much just like being on the sidelines of life really badly. Wanting to find some kind of escape. One day he's sitting in his room, and he has this idea. I remember I had these coins. He picks up two dimes he has lying around, and he decides he's going to play a little game with himself, flipping both coins, trying to get them to land the same way.

He flips them in the air, looks down at the coins, and they're both the same. They're both heads or tails. He doesn't remember which. And then he flips them again. They land the same.

He does it again, the same. I was flipping over and over again, and he starts to believe that he can control them, that I could make them land on whatever I wanted them to. Like using his mind. If I wanted them to both land heads up, then they would land heads up. If I wanted them to land heads down, they would land heads down.

So he'd flip the coins and think to himself, heads up. And you'd see they were both heads up. Do it again. Heads down. And they'd both be heads down.

Heads up. I remember feeling like, heads down. It was some superpower. Heads up. Heads down.

Heads up.

Derek says, what happened next gets kind of foggy. Unfortunately, I don't remember much from the night. I don't remember much from the psychosis. But he now knows that as he was flipping those coins, whenever they would land, I would project onto them whatever I wanted them to look like. So I would see them heads up if I wanted them to be heads up.

But whether or not they were really heads up, I don't really know. I see. So you stop being able to tell the difference between an imagination and reality? Yeah, basically. And at some point later that night, I couldn't tell you what time it was, but it was dark.

Dereks roommates kicked him out. You know, I wasn't hurting anyone. I wasn't harmful or anything like that. They just didn't know what to do with me. And they didn't want to.

They didn't want it to be their responsibility because they couldn't get me to go to the hospital or anything. Derek wandered around all night and actually ended up living on the street for several years. Wow. He does eventually get a diagnosis, schizophrenia. And he gets on medication for that.

And he says that things are better, but he still sometimes experiences psychotic episodes. Is the hyperphantasia a common symptom of schizophrenia or, like, common co occurrence? Yeah. Yeah. So according to neuroscientist Joel Pearson, you see this link between very strong imagery and schizophrenia.

They do seem to be correlated, and it's not just schizophrenia. It broadens beyond that. This is clinical psychologist and neuroscientist Emily Holmes. People who are highly disposed to thinking images may be slightly more anxious. She brought up certain anxiety disorders, things like phobias.

For example, if you were afraid of spiders, you might experience bits of imagery of spiders with terribly big teeth and fangs. And also, perhaps the hallmark disorder is post traumatic stress disorder, in which people relive vivid mental images of events that have been traumatic in the past. Now, of course, having strong imagery doesn't mean you're gonna have any of these disorders or not having it doesn't protect you from them. Right, okay. But it does seem that being able to make really vivid pictures in your mind makes them more likely laying in bed and remembering stupid stuff.

You said when you were, like, in third grade or 8th grade or, you know, times you were bullied. The people with hyper fantasia that I spoke to, they also told me about these other ways that mental imagery actually makes their life harder, very difficult to listen to news where, you know, there's a war going on, you know, when there's a mass shooting, when the boys were trapped in the mine in Thailand, like I am, like, in the mine, you know, it's just like sound of the water dripping off and falling into water below and like the boys being stressed and their breathing and the humidity. Like, anybody suffering at all. I cannot not see it. I can visualize, you know, being yelled at.

I can see the looks on everyone's faces. Muscles will tense up. I think when I was a child, I think I was a little bit more in the moment before, I'd stacked up layers and layers of trauma.

So whether it's looking back in sort of like PTSD or looking forward in anxiety, like a potential worry, like a worry. It's just so visual that it. It kind of, like, drums up the body's emotional. Yeah, exactly. Like, imagery can really turn up emotions.

It is. I mean, it's like. It's the whole blessing and a curse or like a gift, but not without a cost. Like, you get an escape hatch. Like, Derek can just fly off into space, and that can be a gift.

But then it sounds like you get this sometimes, these hauntings, that then you can't escape, and that it's kind of about control. Like, if you can control this, this is an amazing superpower, but if it controls you. Right, right. This is terrifying. Yeah.

Yeah, exactly. And actually, like, part of what Emily does is teach people how to gain some of this control. So if we take the spider example, you could shrink it or turn it green and push it away. Like, it's more distant, like, literally, visually. And it's a way of showing I'm controlling you.

You're not controlling me, and you're not real. Wow. Wow. It's like, she's like the real life, you know, Professor Xavier teaching the X Men how to control their powers. That's so cool.

But what about you? Do you still want imagery? I mean, after all my reporting? Honestly, no. Really?

Yeah. I mean, I have no practice with it. I feel like it could be kind of a bad trip that I can't get out of. Well, what if you could just get a little bit. Yeah.

Yeah. Although, you know, the more I've been thinking about it, the more I'm like, I just have such a clean, empty space inside of me. Oh. So it's like, it's not the fear of having the pictures. It's, like, appreciating not having them.

Yeah. Huh. Yeah. I am not gonna see poetry the way you see poetry or experience my memories in some sort of rich sensory way. But I do have a meditation practice, and I was like, whoa.

There's so much more to quiet if you're dealing not just with words and ideas, but actually images. More stuff to sweep out of there. Yeah. So I think I'm good. You're good with where you are.

You reported your way out of lust. You were like, actually, I don't want it.

But also just beyond myself. I really do think it's a good thing for the world that there's a spectrum and there's all these different brains thinking in all these different ways, you know? Hmm. But there's also a kind of, like, the diversity means we're more, like, marooned in our own heads a little bit. Like, where there's a novel that you'll love and I'll look at it and be like, I just can't even.

You can't read this description of a rhododendron bush. Yeah, yeah. Or even a memory. Like, it's like we were both in the same place at the same time, experienced the same thing, and then a year later, we're talking about it, and it's like we remember it in a totally different way. Yeah.

I don't know. Which is there is something sad about that, and that probably leads to so much miscommunication and misunderstanding and conflict, you know? It's like being like, why are you so obsessive about this thing that happened? It's like, why can't you see this? Exactly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But I think for that problem, it's like we all just need to understand better, I think, just how differently our brains work. Hmm.

Wait, can I play you guys one last thing? Yeah, of course. Go for it. Okay. So, you know, I was just talking about meditating.

It's something I love to do. Well, when I was talking to Derek, the guy with that super intense imagery, I asked him what he likes to do, like what he does for fun, and I just need to share it with you. I also practice harsh metal vocals just for fun. People have told me I should try and get into a band, but I don't think that's really my goal or anything. What is harsh metal vocals?

Do you want an example? Yeah. Okay. Prepare your eardrums. Okay.

Whoa. Or.

Wow.

This episode was reported and produced by Sindhu Nyana Sambandhan with help from Annie McEwan and edited by Walters, mixing help from Jeremy Bloom and Marianne Wang.

Fact checking by Natalie Middleton. Special thanks to Kim Nader, Fane Peters, Nathan Peerboom, Lizzy Peabody, Kristen Lynn, Joe Aidman, Mark Niclaw, Brian Radcliffe, and Andrew Leland.

Catch you next time, and sorry to every heavy metal enthusiast, big Sarus. Catch you soon.

Latif Nasser
Hi, I'm Rhianne, and I'm from Donegal in Ireland and here at the staff credits. Radiolab was created by Jad Abu Madh and is edited by Sori Ni. Luru Miller and Latif Nasser are our co hosts. Drinkieff is our director of sound design. Our staff includes Simon Adler, Jeremy Bloom, Becca Bresler, Ikedi Foster, Keys W.

Harry Fortuna, David Gabel, Maria Paz Guterres, Sindhu nan Sambadan, Matt Keelty, Annie McEwan, Alex Neeson, Saru Kari, Valentina Powers, Sarah Sambak, Arianne Pat Walters, and Molly Webster. Our fact checkers are Diane Kelly, Emily Krueger, Natalie Middleton. Hi, this is Jeremiah Barba, and I'm calling from San Francisco, California. Leadership support for Radiolab science programming is provided by the Gordon and Betty Moore Foundation Science Sandbox Simons Foundation Initiative and the John Templeton foundation. Foundational support for Radiolab was provided by the Alfred P.

Lulu Miller
Sloan foundation.

We all know Kit Kat bars taste delicious, but what about how they sound? It's not just a catchy jingle, it's the satisfying crack of breaking off a piece of Kit Kat, followed by a crisp crunch. Oh, we forgot one other sound that accompanies Kit Kat bars, too. It's. Or maybe it's more like altogether, Kit Kat bars are music to our ears and yummy flavors to our mouths.

Have a break. Have a kitkat.

I'm David Remnick, host of the new Yorker radio hour. There's nothing like finding a story you can really sink into that lets you tune out the noise and focus on what matters in print or hear on the podcast. The New Yorker brings you thoughtfulness and depth and even humor that you can't find anywhere else. So please join me every week for the New Yorker radio hour. Wherever you listen to podcasts.

Aphantasia

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Episode Chapters

1: Introduction to Aphantasia

2: The Science of Seeing with the Mind

3: Real-life Impacts of Aphantasia and Hyperphantasia

4: Cognitive Differences and Mental Health

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