There Is No Excuse

Mark Fischbach
Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to distractable. This episode, waxam Wade says no to ninja Dom and makes macabre mistakes to be defended. Moustache twirling bark, is allergic to marketing money and answers like the truly imperfect parent. Bungling Bob gets booed giving a phone case for him, kills a kid due to a shoot, and is Gordon in disguise? From fortnite frolics to bald pride, yes, it's time for there is no excuse.

Now sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. Hey, everyone. Welcome back to another episode of Distractible. I am today's host, Wade, and I'm joined by my co host, Mark and Bob. Hey, guys.

Howdy. Hello. If you've never been here before, this is the show where the three of us kind of rotate who hosts. Whoever hosts, makes the other two compete for points. The winner, whoever has usually the most points at the end, is the winner, gets to host the next episode.

Wade Barnes
We talk about whatever we want, but we normally start off with small talk. We don't just rotate the host, okay? You have to earn it. It's a hard fought, meaningful battle every episode. The outcome is unknown until the very last moment.

Bob Muyskens
Okay, don't give the people the wrong idea. I'm glad you feel that strongly about me hosting today, Bob. I appreciate that there's been precedents for extraordinary streaks of bad luck based on coin flips. That era was a fascinating era of our history, of which we have a grandiose one. We have a grandiose history.

Fascinating is a word for it. Why is my microphone buzzing like that? Uh, sea lion. What a great reference to the greatest episode of distractible ever. The best choice to listen.

Mark Fischbach
Way better than this one, maybe. Anyway, I just wanted to clarify that the game is not rigged. We do not choose who wins. It's all very important and meaningful. Uh, but Mark was gonna do small talk or something.

Bob Muyskens
What'd you say? That's right, Mark. Specifically, you were gonna do small talk. Well, no. Well, hold on now.

Mark Fischbach
Let's just say ever since we've had this written thing, which has been incredibly inconvenient but has actually been holding us accountable, I'd say it's more fair than ever. I say, until we decide again of the biannual bi bi b biannual biennial biennial bi decadial, would that be twice a decade, or would that be every other decade? Biscoreal. Biscurial. Bi fortnite?

Eel? I don't know. God, what would that even be? Is that a quad night? Be twice every two?

Bob Muyskens
Victory Royales. Well, I've never won one, so I don't think I'll. You never want a victory royale? No, I never have. Oh, Mark, you've never tasted the sweet release of victory?

Mark Fischbach
I've never won any battleground kind of thing, like PUBG or big battle. What is it called? Battle Mmo. What is it? Pub.

Bob Muyskens
No, wait. What are they called? Battle Royale. Battle Royale. That's the one.

Mark Fischbach
I've never gotten first place. Forget this episode. Let's go play. Yeah, we were gonna do a helldivers episode while we play helldivers. That's true.

Wade Barnes
Yeah, that's not this episode, but we definitely should do that. No, my friend JP. JP still plays PUBg every now and then. I know some people still play Fortnite. Fortnite had, like, a Lego mode, then they had, like, a non building mode and stuff.

Bob Muyskens
So I don't think you're allowed to talk, like Fortnite. Like, it's still hanging in there. It's still, like, the most dominant game. Yeah, it's not even. It's not even close.

If it, like, peaked and, like, came off the peak a little, it's still just billions of. They're printing money over there. They can't do it fast enough. It's ridiculous. That's too bad.

Mark Fischbach
That's too bad. I don't disagree with that sentiment, but Fortnite never wasn't the king. You know, I played Fortnite before. It was cool videos when it was just a Pve mode. They emailed me, and they were like, hey, we might be doing, like, we're gonna be reorganizing our game and changing it up a bit.

Wade Barnes
We'd love to partner with you. And I responded. I was like, I appreciate it, but I don't think so. I feel like I've gotten what I could get out of the game. What could I possibly get out of a partnership with you guys?

You know what? Revelation. Wow, that doesn't sound like it's gonna be anything. Career regrets. Holy shit.

Mark Fischbach
You could have been ninja. I could have built. But the thing. Well, no. Cause I'm not good at PvP.

Wade Barnes
I'm okay. Not good. You don't have to be good. You just have to scream at eight year olds. What did you say to me, you little shit?

Mark Fischbach
The true magnitude of your loss of opportunity from that very poor decision is so much bigger than you know. I will say I don't have that. It was not a career opportunity, but I happen to have friends who know people at epic. Mandy and I got to tour epic game studios. Cause it was in.

Bob Muyskens
It was like, five minutes from where we lived in North Carolina before the. The battle royale blew up. But there was a whole roadmap of all the battle royale shit on a wall. And they were like, we're gonna walk you down this hallway. This is all, like, NDA stuff.

And we weren't. We had, you know, signed an NDA or whatever. Cause we were in the studio seeing stuff, but they're like, this is part of the NDA stuff. Okay. So you could look at it, but, like, don't.

Pictures don't. Like, this is top secret shit. I saw all those plans before they happened, and then they happened, and I was like, wow, they were right. That's the thing. I know there's tons of game companies that would probably love to work with me, and then I always pick, like, the ones that want to do a really big thing, and then it happens right when I'm in, I don't know, making a movie, and then I have to go, like, I can't.

Mark Fischbach
And they're like, why? This works for everyone else. They do it now. Sorry, I can't. I gotta tell you, that doesn't work for me.

No, it doesn't work for me. If companies reach out and they're like, hey, do you want to maybe do it? And I'm like, oh, I'm real busy. They're like, all right, see? Anyway, you're, like, our 8th choice.

We'll just keep going. There's a man who's posted, like, five YouTube videos in the last month who's like, these game companies keep trying to throw bags of money at me. He's sitting in a tub that looks undersized.

Oh, man. I couldn't possibly take more money. Look how well I'm doing.

All right, here's the thing. This is not gonna. This is gonna sound like pettiness, but I'm actually kind of curious what you guys think about this. You know how when Matpat retired, there was, like, a big celebration. Celebration, celebrate.

He's gone. He's gone. Whoo. You're talking about that. YouTube creators, like, threw a huge party, right?

Bob Muyskens
There was, like, a whole thing that was like. It was a whole thing. It was like, from. It was through YouTube. It was, like, a big deal.

Mark Fischbach
If I retired, would they do that for me? They would play that ding dong the witch's dead song. They have a YouTube plaque that's just, like, markiplier. They have, like, your starting date, ending date, and people just line up to spit on it as they leave. But the thing is, I feel.

I feel like I've been one of YouTube's biggest supporters on the platform. I'm usually the guy going, like, now YouTube creates one of the best opportunities for creators in general. Like, TikTok is great and all for getting discovered. Plus, you don't need money. Yeah, exactly.

There's tons of videos now coming out about, like, the creator fund that they provided is drying up. Right. They're not doing the same thing, which is a actual revenue share. They didn't create the copyright system, which a lot of people don't like. But we've talked about that before, how it's like the alternative is it don't happen cause they got sued and this is the only way that it can still go and you can still have things.

Wade Barnes
I don't know that YouTube gets as much flat. Like, I feel like it used to be a couple times a year, all the creators would come out and, like, there was a big kerfuffle about YouTube. I don't feel like that's happened in a while where there's been, like, a whole lot of people coming out upset about YouTube. Like, now people just accept that things are what they are. I don't know if it's.

Bob Muyskens
It just feels like this, but it feel. It feels like Twitch took that mantle. I don't know if it was a shift in where the focus was, but, yeah, it felt like that for YouTube. And then now it feels like every few months there's a new thing with Twitch does where it's like the same type of backlash, but it's aimed at them instead of. Yeah, I don't know, but can you.

Mark Fischbach
Believe that I'm actually in the final stretch? The final stretch. I can't. You've never said those words. Yeah, I looked at Mark's roadmap and it was two months of working on movie, and then there was about two years of just something called final stretch.

Bob Muyskens
No, seriously, though, actually, I don't want to, like, induce a panic attack in you. Is that. Does that make you uncomfortable or are you like, yeah, we got it. No, it's. It's been really good, actually, the past few weeks.

Mark Fischbach
You know, Lixie and Rachel, Marcus and Molly, who's a newer part of the team, CG artist. Molly did all the concept art and made the models. Thank you for clarifying. I was like, I wonder where my wife's been? But they were all here, so they flew in to help with the final stretch.

And that. That was monumental because a lot of it's not like I've done this alone, but I've taken on several parts of it by myself and having them in town, just to be able to kind of ease the responsibility in person. Um, because I haven't often been an in person kind of. I've had, like, teams working out of office, and those are mostly the most productive times. But for the past few years, since, like, a little before COVID it was, uh, remote and always has been remote.

It was nice to have everyone in town. They're still in for a little bit. Lixien even came in from Portugal like that. That was huge. It was super great to have him here.

Like, love that guy. Big shout out to Lixian. Um, Bob, I gave you points for final stretch for some reason. So, just so you know, at the end, whenever that's marked down, what do you wear? I wrote it, and then I realized I was next to your name.

Wade Barnes
So you get those points. Hey, you know what? I'm going to take a page out of Mark's playbook here, guys. I think I'm in the final stretch of raising James. I think we've made a lot of progress in the last 16 months.

Bob Muyskens
I think we're really. We're really homing in on, you know, like, the final targets. And I think this is going to be the final stretch with the baby, and then everything's. Everything's going to be smooth sailing. Yeah.

Mark Fischbach
Those college applications go out pretty soon, huh? Ten days. He has to go get a job, start bringing money into the house. I wish they could be. YouTube channel, baby.

Wade Barnes
YouTube channel is very popular. People love that. I'll just buy him toys and then open them in front of him and call it a review channel. Is that still legal on YouTube? Perfectly legal.

Mark Fischbach
Encouraged. Mark, I want you to know I gave you two points for YouTube has been, and you both have some fortnite points. All right. Anything else you want to talk about, small talk wise, before I bring up something that I found out? Everyone will be very excited about this big phone case.

News. News, everyone. Oh, your favorite, probably wallet company maybe is delving into the world of phone cases and magsafe accessories. This is completely not sponsored. I've never been sponsored by this company.

Bob Muyskens
I just. I like their wallet. Ridge Ridge Wallet released an official Magsafe Ridge wallet, which is actually just panels you could put on the thing and clips to your phone. And they also put out a case, and I'm excited to see them. Boo.

Mark Fischbach
Boo. What? Boo. Boo. Everyone's favorite boo.

Everyone knows Bellroy is the superior wallet company. Yeah. Yeah. Bellroy is the, is the hipster new one on the block. Ridge.

New. They've had magsafe phone cases way longer than Ridge has. What do you mean, new? Well, this is literally a new product that Ridge is releasing. So, yes, they have definitely had it.

Yeah, that those, those turtles over at Ridge finally got out of their coffins long enough to be able to scrape together their arthritis so that they could cobble together what a phone is good for them. I don't want what Bellroy has to offer, and I'm not going to argue that Ridge is not overpriced, because it is. But you can always get it on sale, which you should. I go with? Walker wallets.

Wade Barnes
There's this guy, Steve. Steve, what's his name? Wallet maker, something like that. He walks around and he has these custom made wallets where he takes his old shirts and he folds them up, and he says, I buy a wallet. And I was like, how much?

And he says, like, $2. I give him $2. He gives me his folded up shirt thing. It's like street Walker Steve Wallet. You can only find him around Cincinnati.

He walks around selling wallets. I still can't tell if this is a real thing or a bit. I'm hoping it's a bit. Listen, I got nothing against Bellroy. I just.

Bob Muyskens
Ridge is my preferred wallet that I've tried, okay? And I've tried a fair few of them. I actually had a tragedy with Bellroy wallets, not because of the quality, but I had a wallet from them that was one of their limited edition wallets. It was my favorite wallet. I love that wallet.

Is that the one that went to the dump? No, not the one that went to the dump. It's the one that went in the blood. Ooh, that's not great. It turns out that if you have your wall go in blood, it stains it red.

Mark Fischbach
And you'd think that that would look cool. It doesn't, because the, the blood I've talked about is kind of like a, it's like a paint thinner. Oh, no. So it's like, and it was such a good pattern, and I was just like, oh, it's also been through the wash. We tried to wash.

It got worse. And it's just like, it was so sad. And they didn't have it again because it was a limited edition. And ever since then, I've been looking for a walnut. I hope someone drives a long distance to get you this wallet to ship to you while watching and or listening to the podcast.

Cut all this up. Cut out Bob's segment. Cut it out. Why? No, you don't have that.

Cut out every word that Bob has said. This whole make my segment longer. Put it in twice, make all of. A sentence, just go, what? And then he stops talking.

And then. All right, so March 10, a little while ago, via lipstick alley.com, Soulja Boy tells Instagram, goodbye after making $17,000 on TikTok live in one day. Fast forward April 24 on X and or Twitter. How much y'all want for TikTok? I'll buy it.

Wade Barnes
At tick tock us. TikTok is about to be owned by Soulja Boy. He can afford it. He will buy it. He will run it.

Bob Muyskens
Is this the topic or is this your small talk? This is the small talk. This is not the whole thing. I would live in a world where Twitter is owned by Elon Musk, but then somehow TikTok is owned by Soulja Boy. And those are the dominant social media platforms we have to live with.

Mark Fischbach
It wouldn't be a bad world. Can't be that much worse than it is already, right? There's no way. Oh, it can. Yeah.

Wade Barnes
I feel like there's been even more Soulja Boy news, but that's the. That was the stuff I'd seen and wanted to talk about, and I kept forgetting to bring it up. So it might be a little bit of old news. It's old news now. By the time this episode comes out, it's gonna be slightly older news.

That's not really a great segue into my topic, so no points to me for Segway. That's unfortunate. This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Mint mobile. Mint mobile.

Mark Fischbach
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Wade Barnes
That's all your own cars, right? Yeah. It wouldn't take much to transform my ride. Your rides? More like Schrodinger's ride.

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Bob Muyskens
That's ebaymotors.com. Eligible items only. Exclusions apply. But today I want you guys to give me bad excuses. For what?

Wade Barnes
I'm glad you asked. I have a variety of small scenarios, little things here, and, uh, you're gonna give me a bad excuse as to why. This would have been a bit more fleshed out, but I'm lazy and didn't have it prepared until about half an hour ago. I feel that that's a good excuse. We'll start simple with simple, common, everyday things that people deal with.

Mark Fischbach
Don't worry, I'm firing up chat GPT right now. Great. I was hoping you wouldn't come up with original ideas on your own. Everyone loves when I do this. You want bad experience?

I've got thousands. Well, let's start simple. You're late for class. Give me a bad excuse as to. Why my parents died.

Wade Barnes
Chat GPT tell you that that fast? No, that was me. He just used that one before. Do I win? Thank you, guys for coming to this episode.

Mark has been the victor. He just asked for it. So that was the secret. All you'd asked for was the win. Now you win.

No, you don't win. Oh, I didn't ask if I won. I was just like, oh, did I ask if I won? You said, did I win? I meant the round, but okay.

Mark Fischbach
Yeah. Did I won? Okay, cool. Sure. Bob, your turn.

Bob Muyskens
But if Mark already won, I don't know, waste my efforts, am I, do I have a chance to get points here? Yes. Yeah, I'm late to class because I forgot to take a shower. I like the way you said that. With confidence, too.

Wade Barnes
So the teacher is clearly going to believe every word. They're gonna be hanging on it. Well, you can smell if you want. There's. There's.

Bob Muyskens
This is a provable excuse. I will pass. The teacher might take you up on. I'm not sure. Depends on the teacher, probably.

Wade Barnes
Okay, so parents died, forgot to take a shower. I got a different one. I was trying to get on the school bus, but then I remembered that I forgot my homework, and so I turned around, and then the bus driver closed the door on my backpack, and I was stuck outside of the bus. Then it drove me to school, and I was at school, but I don't have my homework. I was fine on the bus outside of it.

Mark Fischbach
No other kids were picked up after I got trapped. I was the last stop before the school. Very inefficient, these bus routes, because I was the farthest house away, so I couldn't go back and get my homework. But also, you could save a lot of gas money from the. The school bus system if you reroute it.

So I'm the first one. And then I might have been able to get my homework, because then it would have dropped me off, and I would have been able to run home after the next kid got picked up, but I didn't, so. I mean, politics, you know, I feel. Like that's a really good excuse. I felt like parents died.

Wade Barnes
Yeah, parents died. I think might have just gotten the point, but your. Your remake is just so thorough. Too good. Too good, right?

I did give you a point, though, Mark, whenever you said I turned around because it made me chuckle. That was the only part that made you chuckle. That's it. He did the thing. He said it.

Bob Muyskens
He said it. I peaked when I made those, didn't I? Peaked. And I don't even have them anymore. They're lost.

You've never even been a funny since then, Mark. Tell you what, Mark, you got two points total from that. Bob, you got one for what I wrote down. You smell. Bob, I accidentally gave you the point for parents died, so I guess you got that, too.

Mark Fischbach
You can't keep doing that. You know what, Mark? Here's a point called sorry, Mark. Fine. Even though I should get the point, it's net zero.

Wade Barnes
You should. But I keep writing things down under Bob, that go to you. You can cross your mouth. I have an official record here, and I don't. I don't know how to fix it, you know?

So, on the bright side, you guys are tied right now. All right, well, that's what it would have been, right? All right, give me. Give me the next one. You got bad excuses all over the place here.

Mark Fischbach
This is in theme. So you have an important court case, but you're late, and you're the prosecuting attorney. I mean, this is the same premise. We're just adults now. But that's okay.

Wade Barnes
You are. It's the same purpose, but you're adults now. My parents died, but this time I'm an adult. It's more likely, statistically speaking. What are you eating, Mark?

Mark Fischbach
It's jerky, but it says it's, like, wagyu jerky. But I doubt that. I'd just be a waste. Plus, I'm pretty sure it would be more tender than that. Mark, why are you late to your court?

Hold. Pause. Ooh, lawyer words. I met this guy. I always felt bad for him.

Was going through, like, some tough times. He got diagnosed with cancer, and I was like, okay, maybe I'll throw him some pity. I thought he was just a chemist. Turns out, way, way weirder life than I thought it. Long story short, I don't like the color blue anymore.

And also, I am so high right now, but ran into him again because I thought he died. I thought he died. He didn't die. Came back and just really threatened to kill me and then coughed in my face. So I'm like, I might be sick, or whatever he had.

I don't know if cancer's, like, contagious. I'm a lawyer, not a doctor. Anyway, that's why I'm late. Okay, I gave you breaking bad zombies point. I just want to say, Saul Goodman is a defense attorney, not a prosecutor.

I never said I was Saul Goodman specifically. There was a burning building. Little Timmy was in the window, waving his arms frantically. The window was even open. All you had to do was run over, pick him up, grab him, pull him out.

Wade Barnes
You didn't. Why? Parents today, they just coddle their kids, right? I can't do everything for him. Honestly, I'm glad he's dead, because, frankly, if he can't figure out how to open a window, what's gonna happen?

Mark Fischbach
Are we just gonna give him handouts for the rest of his life? Well, I mean, not anymore. Thank goodness the window is open. Oh, it was open. That's even worse.

God, man, you tell me to get it. Ah, kids back in my generation could climb over things. All right, don't coddle your kids. Listen, we were on. It was an all day shoot, and the fire just happened to be right next to where we were.

Bob Muyskens
And I was the guy in charge of flying the first person drone. And this was like we were on our last take. Like we were out of light. We're out of time. The fire was actually helping with the light situation, but I had to get the take, and so I just had to keep the headset on, even though I could hear Timmy screaming from the window, oh, God, I'm dying.

Oh, I'm so young. I'm too young to die. I was like, this is not what I'm getting paid for right now. I got to do this job. So we got the shot, but we got the shot.

Wade Barnes
All right, I have marked some points for your all's answers. All right, we have a trolley on one side. There are four people tied up, laying on the track, and the trolley is clearly heading right for them. And the track is currently set for the trolley to hit them on the other side. This track that goes right around, keeps on going, will clearly go to its destination.

All you got to do is pull the lever. No negative consequence. Pulling the lever. You don't pull the lever. Why, Bob?

Bob Muyskens
Well, look, I'm. You're to say there's no negative consequence, but we all know that regulations can be very confusing. And who knows what sort of union rules there might be, what sort of state, local regulations, not to mention federal laws that would apply to pulling a. Pulling a switch that would change where a trolley is going. You know, it's a.

It's effectively a railroad and I'm sure governed by the same or similar type of things. You just like to casually throw out that there would be no consequences. But I think we all know that that's just not how this sort of thing works. And I'm not going to be the one that they slapped a book down on top of for, you know, pulling the lever that I thought might save those people by switching the track. And actually that's the lever that blows up the entire trolley car and kills all of them.

Mark Fischbach
That's fair. I was just thinking about. Don't make assumptions. Got it. My bad.

Do you know how hard it is to tie knots around four people so that their perfectly mummified by the rope? Do you know how much rope I had to get to get those people onto the train track? You think I'm just gonna divert it at the last minute? Does my work not mean anything to you? Does my passion not count?

I maintain this long, curled mustache. You know how much effort I have to do to get this? And my. My top hat on every day looking spiffy. It's not easy.

Oh, yeah, just come over, undo everything I did. You know, what? If Van Gogh, he was about to cut off his own ear and you walked into his, like, oh, you flipped a switch and the scissors just, like, fell apart. Kind of messed up person would that be, huh? That's not how I thought you talked at all.

Bob Muyskens
I was. I thought you had kind of an accent thing going on. Oh, okay. All right, we got Mister Prejudice over here. I didn't know that.

Mark Fischbach
I didn't know that someone was being so judgmental. I think it's interesting. It's very progressive of you to drop the transatlantic accent thing that you had going on. That's pretty good. That's pretty good, Mark.

Wade Barnes
I gotta say, I was not expecting the villain who put them on the track to be the person that was creative. I'm gonna, I'm just gonna formally lodge a protest that, once again, that's actually a really good excuse. It's not like, a good reason, but it's a very valid and good excuse from the perspective of Mark's character in that story. I suppose I could see it from that perspective. I could see where you're going with that.

However, I think that it's a bad excuse in that most people wouldn't accept it. Well, just because they don't understand him, it's not his fault, which is the. Basis of my argument. I will understand that. Yeah.

I'm going to go from this more from the lens of people won't accept it. I think it's more, I think it opens up more creative and fun routes that way. I'll allow you guys to think outside the box on that and approach from that kind of lens because I don't want to stifle creativity. Plus, I could just totally see, like, an SNL skit or something where, like, someone's doing interviews and they interview the guy and that's what he's saying. And he has, like, a Yosemite Sam mustache.

And that makes me laugh. Are you Sammity Sam mustache? Not the curly twin spinny one? Yeah. I don't know why I pictured the big, long, red mustache.

Mark Fischbach
Long mustang. Wait, did you go down for the mustache, like, goatee style? Hold on. Am I picturing the wrong guy? Yosemite?

Bob Muyskens
No. Yeah, that's. Yosemite Sam's mustache. Like, goes down. It's very long.

It's like an exaggeratedly long handlebar mustache, right? Yeah, that's what I was picturing. I was picturing that. But, like, it still goes out. It actually comes out from the sides and slightly above his nose, which is strange, you know, looking at him.

Mark Fischbach
He does. He looks very strange. I'd say him and the tasmanian devil. Have you ever seen them in the same room? No.

Bob Muyskens
That's a good point. There's some good ones, anyway. You're part of, like, this well known celebrity couple, and the world loves you, but you just broke things off. Why? I could give you an excuse that I think I've heard before, not personally, but of celebrities.

Wade Barnes
Whatever. Whatever you want, man. No, no, no, I won't do that. That's silly. I'm trying to think of literally anything besides murder.

Mark Fischbach
I can't. Anything. Anything but murder. Anything. Anything but murder.

Wade Barnes
Don't you hate that? When your brain. You're like, brain, anything but this. Your brain's like this. Well, you know, it was really nice being with her.

Mark Fischbach
Cause, you know, world's famous actress, it didn't work out, and we just, you know, some people drift apart. And then I killed her. I don't know. This sounds like a real sad interview at first. Hold on.

Stop. Wait. Let me get there. Let me get there. Let me get there.

I'm gonna be real with you. To be so real with you. It's me. I'm both of them.

Oh, my. Just removed my face. I was. I'm okay. I was getting on the bus, right?

And I turned around. Oh, I got caught. The bus. And then, man, I was like, honey. And she was still on the bus stop, and she was like, I'm bad with dirt.

And I was like, no. And I. Like, I knew bus stops in the city. It was actually the last bus stop on the very end of the city. It was going towards New Mexico, of all places.

Oh, no. And so by the time I got back, she broke up with me. Okay. You killed her. You are her.

Wade Barnes
You got on the wrong bus. Take. Take your pick. Take your pick. All right, Bob, I don't know if there's any excuses left.

I got the trifecta. I have to say, I'm considering not even submitting an answer just to let Mark continue to have a mental breakdown. Ever try heroin? You ever try it, Bob? You just got some points for not being Mark's answers, Bob.

Do you want to give one? You just want to use satisfying. I cheated, so I dumped her out of spite. Oh, I thought you meant to get points you cheated against. No, the relation to relationship.

Bob Muyskens
It's me. I cheated. And then I was like, I'll just end it. All right, all right. Cheated points.

I gotta admit, I'm pretty off balance from what Mark's got going on over there. He's really killing it right now. Yeah, there was a lot. Just too good. Tough competitor.

Wade Barnes
Fast forward. You're in a new relationship. Not even a celebrity anymore. The world's forgotten about you. You're just a guy on a date.

You're over at their house. Her family's cooking. Take a bite of food. It's awful. You spit it out.

They all look at you. She's looking at you. You feel horrified for what you've done, but you know, you need to make an excuse for why you just spat out her cooking, her mom's cooking. I jump up, rip my shirt off, revealing a chef's jacket underneath, and I shout at them, don't you know I'm Gordon Ramsay.

Bob Muyskens
And then I take two pieces of bread and put it around my mother in law's face, and I scream right in her face, what are you? It's pretty good, mark. I spit it on the plate. I turn towards the baby. I go like, ah, don't worry, everybody.

Mark Fischbach
And I go over to the baby and like, here you go, champ. I open the baby's mouth, and I start shoveling it in. I chewed it really good for you. And then I help the baby chew it. It doesn't have any teeth.

So I'm like, oh, oh, he likes it. I pat him on the back a few times, and then I go sit back down. And I go, like, you know, that's why they say women and children first, but people forget the children part. And then I sit down, you know. Well done, both of you.

Wade Barnes
I enjoyed both of those answers. Feeding the baby. I'm Gordon Ramsay. This episode is brought to you by rocket money. Guys, I found another subscription.

Bob Muyskens
It's not even one. They keep coming. What? That's crazy. But that's okay, because I could use Rocket money.

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Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com distractible. That's rocket mimoney.com dash tractivle, rocketmoney.com distractible. You should get that, mark. It's probably important.

Mark Fischbach
Oh, no way. Uh, okay, Mark, you're up first this time. You're hosting a podcast episode. He's not, though. There are two other people on the podcast episode that are competing.

Wade Barnes
One of them, we'll just call him Bob, gets a bunch of really easy animals to identify by sound, whereas the other one gets a lot harder. Animals identified by sound and calls you out on it. What's your excuse? Oh, man, I'm sorry. I just thought you were smarter.

Mark Fischbach
I thought that your big brain. That's. I mean, that's why I assumed where all the hair went could make room for more brain. Wait. I never said this person was bald.

I'm made up scenario. I'm just, like. I'm imagining something. I can't help where my mind goes. I thought that you.

Wade Barnes
Your. Your massive dome and capable abilities would be rising up to the challenge other than dumb and dumber. Both of them over there in the other seat. Like, you look at that other person in the eyes and you see if you see a soul. There ain't nothing in there, okay?

Mark Fischbach
Dead eyes, right? There's not intelligence. There's not consciousness. Sapiens out the window there. I at least thought, okay, it's gone.

See, he doesn't even understand that word. He doesn't get it. He couldn't get it. He's got to have the. Pull the cord.

The cow goes, mmm. Like, that's the basic level. We're working with you. Well, you did. You graduated, but you didn't go law school.

But you're a college educated. Who we talking about, me or the person? That's not. This is hypothetical scenario. So, in all honesty, you.

I know you're capable. Okay, Bob, I have a different scenario for you. For some reason, I had an excuse for that one. What's mine? If you want to give you a give one.

Wade Barnes
Sure, go for it. Oh, I was just gonna say, in that story, I'm Bob, so you're not talking to me, so I don't have to. Bob, for you, you're on a podcast, and one of your co host gets distracted because out of nowhere, you regurgitate something shiny, metallic looking. And it happens so fast that barely anyone catches it. But your one of your co hosts notices it.

And as it goes on, you do this over and over again. And they keep looking at you. And they finally call you out on it and say, what are you doing? What are you spitting out? What's your excuse?

Bob Muyskens
I actually have a bit of an iron deficiency, and my doctor told me that I need to take this piece of metal and hold it in my mouth for as long as I can. But, in fact, when you hold a piece of mostly pure iron in your mouth, it actually begins to oxidize and it actually burns a little bit. It's kind of like pop rocks, except it'll really. It'll get you. It'll, like, chemical burn your mouth and stuff.

So you got to keep spitting it out, drying it off, putting it back in. I was trying to do it subtly because it's kind of a personal health thing, but I need to do it every waking hour of the day, and so I don't really appreciate you pointing it out, and I don't really want to talk about it anymore. But thanks for making me explain myself, Mark. I don't know. I pass.

Who's up first this time? Is it Mark first? Yeah. You're. You're a content creator.

Wade Barnes
You post videos on YouTube, you stream so on, so forth. But lately you've been either working on another project or doing something. You haven't been making enough YouTube videos to satisfy your audience. What's your excuse? Those Pete people.

Bob Muyskens
All right. Okay. Did you see something? What? Go on.

Wade Barnes
Hmm. I don't know, Bob. Bob's just got a weird look on his face. Mm mm. A half smile.

Mark Fischbach
Oh, it's a full smile. Okay, that's. That's his smile. That's his good. He's known for it.

Bob Muyskens
That's the face. Anyway, it's my life. I fucking saw a cpu fall out of your mouth. I don't know what you're talking about. I'm working on a movie.

Wade Barnes
Those people, they're just numbers. I'm working on a movie. Is that what I got written down? That's it. You got it, Bob.

Do you want to tackle that one? Look, when you've already reached the top, it's hard to stay on the grind. And. Look, I've given these people enough. It'll happen when it happens, and you'll love me for it.

Bob Muyskens
You're welcome. Uh, you're greedy. You'll get what you get when I give it to you. I kind of forgot the premise. What were we talking about, Mark?

No, not me. Not me. I'm not gonna lie. I also got distracted by everything visually that's been happening. I don't know what we're talking about, I say.

I didn't realize what shape my tongue would take when I started speaking. I almost went the wrong way on that one. Fuck, man. I don't know. I.

Wade Barnes
I had another idea that was even better than some of the things I had written. It's gone now. I don't have an excuse for not having a better ending topic. I did have one. I didn't write it down because I was listening to an answer.

And per usual, I waited it and I forgot it. I'm sorry. I'm a terrible host, a worse listener, and an even worse friend. That's where we are. Minus ten points to me.

Any. Any final excuses you guys want to give on, anything for bonus points, any. Any kind of topic that you guys just think you need to apologize for? I dog ate it. I believed that the end of the world was about to occur.

Mark Fischbach
Many people were really excited about it, and I got swept up in the fervor. I don't know what you guys are even apologizing for, but that's fine. I shit my pants again. I was trying to pull an elaborate prank on a friend where I made him think he shit in his pants, so I shit in his pants. But then I ended up.

I shit in my pants because I was thinking about it all day. I tried to do that prank where you leave a bag of flaming dog poop on someone's porch, but I misunderstood the point of the prank and ended up lighting myself on fire and running away. That's funny. I thought you were gonna say I misunderstood it and I left it on my own porch. I fell asleep on a beach.

And then when I woke up, everyone was gone. And I thought I was in castaway. I had dreamed that I had been in a plane and it was crashing. And when I woke up, it was like I was just on an empty beach, and so I carved a friend out of a coconut. And then I was there for many days.

I thought the other people that showed up the next day were hallucinations, so I lost quite a lot of time. In that one, I'm not gonna lie. I went darker, and I thought you were gonna say that you thought it was a coconut, but it turned out it was another person that you carved a face into that was just sun tanning on their stomach. I like weights. Better points to win.

Wade Barnes
I'm at negative eight now. Um, okay, let me tally up the points here. Mark, I have Fortnite. YouTube has been sad. Wallet turned around blood statistical parental death.

Sorry, Mark. Feel the. Feel the boy. I hope that's what it says, I think. Feed the baby.

Mark Fischbach
Is that. Feed the baby. That's what it says. Feel the boy. Man, my handwriting sucks.

Wade Barnes
Don't waste rope me the wake tire. That can't be what that says. Dent, coddle, don't cuddle. Kids podcast. Thought you smart.

My pen went out. So it looks like it just says just tits move. Just numbers, I think is what it says. But look, it says just. Just tits move.

End of the world and breaking bad zombies. 510 15 2023 points. Mark. That feels like a lot. Bob, I wrote fertile.

No. Fortnite. I'll give me both of those things. Come on now. Sol plans Fortnite.

Phone case. News. Final stretch. Dump smell. Parents died, got the shot.

Legal, no assumptions. Gordon Ramsay. Dog ate it. Iron deficiency. Spit for not being Mark's answers.

I know at least two of these points were meant to go to Mark, but they went to you, which is why Mark got the sorry Mark points. So, Bob, you ended up with 510 15 202-122-2324 and I forget how many Mark had. 23. Oh, that's less. So you probably earned 22.

But I wrote down 24. Well, thank God you gave Mark exactly enough points to make it fair and didn't short him any. Well, I think I gave you two for on accident. So I gave Mark two for sorry. So that should have balanced it out.

And actually, you know, if I've really been smart, I would have given Mark more points to offset, because just tying them up doesn't mean he would've gotten a net positive. Yeah, that's what I've been kind of saying the whole time. Yeah, it feels like you're just choosing him to be the winner anyway. That seems fair. Oh, shit, I threw my red flag.

Mark Fischbach
Oh, I forgot to post about it. What day is today? That's too late, man. Another episode came out. No, it might be tomorrow.

It might be tomorrow. No, yeah, I think. I think it came out on Monday. But you know what, Mark? I will.

Wade Barnes
I will give you the offsetting points that you should have had from the other things. Instead of tying it up, I should have given you four to make up for the two, because you deserve to have a net two, so you do deserve 25. And Bob still wins. No, I still can post about it because the last episode was Battleworse, which I hosted, so the next one must be unfair. You're about to get your ass reamed out of your ass.

Bob Muyskens
I honestly forget what you even threw the flag about. Was it in the. Oh, don't act like you don't know. Was it in the 20 questions episode? Was that the one?

Mark Fischbach
Yes. Yeah, it was you, Bob. It was you. I threw it for that because you. Oh, you better look out, mister.

Fork plastic. You know, Bob, I should give you some points for mark threatening you. I kind of feel bad for you because right now Mark's up by one point, but, like, I feel like I should give Bob some pity points for being threatened and stuff. Bob, how do you feel about it? Should I just give Mark the win, or should I give you a couple bonus points?

Bob Muyskens
Do you feel like you earned the win with the last 30 seconds of conduct you've displayed? Yes. Well, that's just a straight up lie. No, no, I was drunk. You always sound like you're choking down a whole cob of corn when you lie.

Mark Fischbach
I was drunk. I've never eaten corn in my life. I don't know. What do you mean, dude, isn't corn part of your cracker barrel order? I haven't seen corn in many years.

Bob Muyskens
Del Monte is his favorite sponsor. I don't even know how to spell it, let alone eat it. I think you should give me the points. No, because I'm making a bad excuse, and therefore I should get the points. Because you weren't making any excuse.

You were just lying. No, that was a bad excuse. You didn't accept it. Did you accept it? You didn't.

Mark Fischbach
Technically, he did say he's never even. Seen corn, which is a pretty shitty excuse. Either accept my excuse and I win, or accept my excuse, not accept my excuse and give me a point, which means I win. Checkmate. I have cornered you into a logical trap that you cannot beat.

Because if you accept my excuse, then I win. And if you don't accept my excuse, I'm in theme. Bob, if you beat that, I'll let you in. I'm not the judge. I accept your excuse.

Bob Muyskens
I can't give you any points for that. Well, if he accepts your excuse, that makes it a good excuse. Oh, there's definitely no points for that. I mean, I guess you get the moral victory of having your excuse accepted, I think. Bob, just 5D chest you.

I just had my queen fly a B 52 bomber across the board and carpet bomb your logic right off the three. The chest three playing field. Okay, Mark, you have more points. You have unfair. You have solved this.

Wade Barnes
Bob has pity, and then he has 5d chess. Right now, the total is. Mark, 25. Bob, 26. Because he out chest you.

Mark Fischbach
He didn't out chest me. I mean, he accepted your excuse and then couldn't award you points because he accepted it. And then I had to look at it as a good excuse because he accepted your excuse. And bad excuses would have gotten you a point. I'll make you a deal, huh?

Bob Muyskens
You can have as many points as you want as long as Wade is then allowed to give me whatever amount of points he deems necessary. To what end? Necessary for what? I don't know. This is just his judgment.

I'm leaving. I'm not. I'm not. This is a clear opportunity for you to win, leaving it in the hands of a person that we know to be very fair and not biased against either one of us. I have, I think, a fair scenario where either one of you could emerge victorious.

Wade Barnes
I'm playing by your rules. So, Mark, answer Bob's quandary about the number of points. All right. Yeah, I'll play this game. Yeah, okay.

Mark Fischbach
All right, listen. If I were to say the right number of the points that I would need, and then Wade has a scenario in his head where the number that I pick has two options spawning from it, where one, I win, two I lose or heads I win, tails you lose. Or is it not that situation? Because it couldn't just be, I think, of a really big number and he's already gonna give you a number. It couldn't be that simple.

Because if I just say a very big number, that probably sounds too greedy, and he would. That he definitely has an upper bound and a lower bound. I'm going to select a number and type it into my phone as a text to, you win. Okay? I should message you what my thought is.

Bob Muyskens
Don't tell me. I'm just gonna tell you what I think would win Mark the game. Because I think I understand. I think I understand the gauntlet. Yeah, we all do.

Mark Fischbach
Of course we do. And I know. I know the number. I know it, I know it, I know it. I request 777 points.

Bob Muyskens
Oh, interesting. Bob win. Mark. Here's what I thought. I thought, okay.

Mark Fischbach
I had no fucking clue on what. Mark asks for any number of positive points. That's being greedy. I'll give Bob more. Mark asks for no points.

Wade Barnes
Maybe it's a tie. Mark says, you know what? A couple of my points have been given to me unfairly. You can take some away. I'll take even more away from Bob for you being humble, and then you get the win.

Being, as you asked for any number of points, that was a positive number. I had to give more to Bob. Oh, well, I didn't have it figured out either. Thank God. Mark was the one who had to guess.

Mark Fischbach
Yeah, I didn't know what the fuck was going on the whole time. Yeah, I didn't either. Bob kind of put me on the spot. I had to come up with scenario, and I was like, you know what? Someone's nice and says, take points away.

Wade Barnes
That person shows true heart and spirit and determination, and they should get the win. It was a false quandary because the negative scenario is hypothetical. I didn't. I had. I didn't have unfair points at it.

Mark Fischbach
I had unfair points taken away. Yeah. Son of a bit. I'm sorry. You had zero deductions, and, in fact, I gave you four points in the end.

No, you gave him more. I deserved the points you gave him. Those were my points. I gave you four to make up. So you were supposed to get two.

Wade Barnes
I accidentally gave him two. I gave you two to make up for it. Yes. Which doesn't make up for it. That's how it works.

You ended up with four. He ended up with two. When it said you should have just had two, you still end up at plus two. No, I didn't get the four. They're on here.

Mark Fischbach
I wrote him down. No, you didn't tell me that. Who are you? Wade. Yes, he did say that out loud.

No, he didn't say that out loud. What he said was, we were all@the.net. Zero part. Editors, play the tape. But you know what, Mark?

Wade Barnes
I will. I will give you the offsetting points that you should have had from the other things. Instead of tying it up. I should have given you four to make up for the two. Cause you deserve to have a net, too.

It's in there. When? When? After you said, but that's a net zero. The last time you said it, he was like, oh, shit, you're right.

Bob Muyskens
And then he gave you two more points. Okay. All right. I got. I got a way to make all this fair.

You know, it feels great to be winner.

Mark Fischbach
Speech. He. Son of a bitch. This has been a great time keeping. Track of the people.

Except this one. This is a hard fought battle.

In this department of making it. Mark might have deserved to win.

But today was my day. I was really on my a game, you know? He really lost it for himself. More than I want from him. But it was fun.

Bob Muyskens
It was ultimately. It was a fun time. He's a good person. His character has always been.

The most. Fair judge I've ever known. So it feels great to be the winner. I'll now toss it off to the loser. Bob, Mark, go ahead, buddy.

Mark Fischbach
Have a good speech, buddy. Bob, you won this episode, but I feel like all of a sudden I lost it. So I'll give the loser speech. Everyone out there, subreddit, I hope you can defend this episode of what it was meant to express and be. However, you all know I'm lazy watchers, listeners.

Wade Barnes
Per usual, I've probably let you down to some extent. However, my excuse is that I'm unapologetically me. I'm bald. I'm tall, proud. These guys gave up and down amounts of effort.

But in the end, I believe the correct winner was assigned. We had a fair ending game that Mark had a chance to win, but he chose greed over humility, and that was his undoing. So Bob will be hosting the next one. Thank you all so much for watching. You can find us at our respective channels.

Meet minions and Senator Lord Minion 777 Market Markiplier Bob at my scurm we have merch distractiblestore.com. Hopefully there's new stuff coming there soon. I don't know what's left of the original stock. We'll see. Stay tuned for the next one.

Until then, podcast out.

There Is No Excuse

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Episode Summary

Main Takeaways

Episode Chapters

1: Introduction to Bad Excuses

2: Personal Excuses Segment

3: Hypothetical Scenarios

4: Audience Interaction

Actionable Advice

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Transcript