1000 Hour Energy

Mark Fischbach
This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile. Mint mobile. Mint Mobile. Everyone loves Mint mobile.

And it's time for more. Mint Mobile. Mint mobile. If you say a word too much, it doesn't sound like a word anymore. Mint mobile.

Bob Muyskens
Mint Mobile. Mint Mobile. Mint mobile. Mint mobile. Mint mobile.

Wade Barnes
Did you know Mint Mobile has unlimited talk? Everyone knows Mint Mobile has unlimited talk. Text and data plans for $15 a month. When you buy a three month plan. Everyone knows it.

Mark Fischbach
Everyone knows you can save with Mint Mobile. Mintmobile.com distractible use distractable. Use the slash distractable. To get this new customer offer, go to Mint mobile.com distractible. That's mintmobile.com.

Dash ible dollar 45 upfront. Payment required. Equivalent to $15 a month for the first three months only. Speeds slower than 40gb on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply.

Seem in mobile for details. Good evening, gentle listener, and welcome to distractable. This episode, Manful mark consult his guru and dishes out a disclaimer as they discuss the fountain of youth. Whit Wade has crazy canines, gets banished for bubology and periodically peaces out. Blissful Bob, likes creamy nuts, has an ocular accident, suggests a solo solution and slams the subreddit from idolatry to spray and pray.

Heh, heh. Yes, it's time for 1000 hours energy. Now, sit back and prepare to be distracted and enjoy the show. The third best kind of sub. I think Mikey D's was a Mikey jersey.

Wade Barnes
Mike. Never mind. Mikey Deez. Is that someone's porn? Name this episode sponsored by Mikey D's.

Okay, man. All right. Giving it to you hard and fast. Anytime you want it, anywhere you want it, Mikey D's always got your back. You know what my favorite thing to get at Mikey D's is?

Bob Muyskens
They're like the honey roasted nuts. I love Mikey D's nuts. Oh, man, those are the best. Mikey D's. Always a smooth finish.

Almost creamy. Wade, you're not really pulling your weight on this ad. Read here. Oh, uh, if you like anything, editor. Zoom in on his face.

Wade Barnes
Why? I don't know. I thought something was wrong. That's just how it always is. Oh, okay.

Bob Muyskens
Yeah, that's just how he always looks. That's normal. Uh, if you're listening and not watching, Wade looks 100% normal. Very normal. The mouth is very human.

Mark Fischbach
I don't know if there is a restaurant called Mikey D's out there, but I hope you're doing well. And if you do exist, you're the sudden influx of customers. You're welcome there's a Mikey D's ice cream in Canada. There's a Mikey D's auto in New Jersey. Mikey destruction is apparently a rapper.

Bob Muyskens
Good episode, Mark. Thanks. All right, that wraps it up, I guess. Points. Yeah, the points I forgot.

Mark Fischbach
Hold on 1 second. Oh, yeah. Do you have a writing utensil or ketchup or something? You know I do. You know, I've got the scroll.

Bob Muyskens
My favorite scorekeeping apparatus. Oh, this is not even small talk. This just remind me of something. You know how in religion. Yeah, okay.

Wade Barnes
I love where this is going. Yeah. No, in the Bible, something it says about thou shalt not have false idols or something like that. Yeah, that's. Something like that.

Bob Muyskens
Yeah. When I was a kid, I watched legends of the hidden temple. And a big part of that show is you have to find the idol. You find the pieces of the idol or something. Right, right.

Mark Fischbach
So I always thought when I heard that in church as a kid, you shouldn't worship a medallion or something, or you shouldn't worship. Worship like a piece of a statue. And I'm like, okay, have they seen Shakira's statue? Clearly not. When that was written, they were unaware.

And then I remember there being something about a golden cow. Yeah, not now, gold cow. Wait, we got that one. We've got the point. All right.

Anyway, this is nothing to do with anything. Back up your brains a little bit to the beginning of this. Oh, my God. Your name's not Dave. Dave's not here, man.

Why did I start writing a d, dude? I learned last episode. Everyone's name is David. This is going great, guys. It's going real good.

I'm a little sleep deprived, and I might be getting a little sick, but. That'S okay, dude, me too, with the sleep deprived. Yeah. Why you? James is going through a growth spurt and is having growing pains.

Bob Muyskens
And so instead of sleeping, he just cried all night. I also feel sleep deprived. What important thing are you doing? We have dogs that have decided that their schedules are no longer to sleep at night. Their job is to go to sleep.

Wade Barnes
And nighttime, they're like, all right, Paul, we'll take a nap for like, an hour, and then it's time to party. You know what it sounds like is you actually have a couple of outside dogs. I see what you say. I pick up what you're putting down. Winter dogs are stout.

Bob Muyskens
They could live outside, right? Give a nice heated dog house. Well, they're supposed to, like, hunt badgers or possums or moles or something. So, yeah, yeah, they'll be fine. All right.

Mark Fischbach
Anyway, what I was gonna say is, welcome to the episode. I'm the host, and today we're going to talk about something very, very, very important to certain people. Small talk. Lenses. Hold on, I'm getting to it.

This very, very important to certain people, so much so that they would be willing to do the most daring, dastardly things to achieve it. Oh, God damn it. Is it lenses again? No, no. Can you just let me get this?

Wade Barnes
Because if you're the host, you wouldn't lose points for talking about it. That's brilliant, Mark. I'll talk. I'll change the episode. You want me to change the episode?

Mark Fischbach
I'll do it. You don't think that I saw another set of lenses that got advertised just recently that piqued my interest? You don't think that I want to talk about it? Nab. Just happened.

You know what that stands for? The north american broadcasters. I thought it was not a boob. North american boobs. Whoa.

Wade Barnes
Yeah. American boo. Editors, black out his camera for a little bit. No, I was gonna say editors, snip that out and send it to Molly. American boobs.

Molly, let me feed. Yeah. Okay, now, black screen blackout. Wade and Mark and I will just talk for a minute. Fade me out.

Fade me out. All right, perfect. That'll be worth it. All right. Anyway, so, Bob, listeners, there's nothing you're missing.

Mark Fischbach
I swear to God, there's no reason to be any kind of upset. Wait, your shoulder is still in shot. Okay. So in addition to things that people would be willing to do anything for. Bob, is there anything that has happened to you that you'd be willing to do?

Anything or just small talk? I didn't talk about this last episode, but you may notice I look weird. My glasses decided to snap in half. So these are my backup glasses. And luckily, these are all basically the same prescription, but that's not my favorite thing that's happened in the last 36 hours.

Bob Muyskens
I was literally just going to wipe them on my shirt, and they exploded into multiple parts and are no longer glasses. James talks. Now, that's scary. And he climbs couches so he can escape his area. Now he says, like, lots of words.

I think he said boobs this morning. Yeah, I knew. I knew one of us would like that. Wade, you can come back now.

Wade Barnes
Whoa, cool. All right, well, you can't tell. Cause I just finished a level, but I was playing flow free. You know, this is the bridges one where you, like, go over and under the bridges. What is that?

Mark Fischbach
Are you sponsored by these mobile games, like, I don't know. No, they don't like me. Oh, did I tell you guys about the birds that grew up on our back porch and then flew away? I have a picture of three robin eggs that were laid in a nest that was right on our back porch. Do they fly before or after they hatched?

Bob Muyskens
I believe it was after. Unconfirmed, though. Look pretty. Wow, that is pretty. And they hatched into three babies, and two of them survived.

They flew away last weekend, and now they chase each other around our backyard. It's very fun. All right, Wade, I want to give you the platform, but I want you to know I love you. Thank you, man. I love you, too.

Mark Fischbach
All right, it's all your turn. So I got the point. You got the point before, man. I knew once. Can I have the point?

Wade Barnes
First? Give me small talk. Oh, hold on.

All right, I'm back. So, small talk. I don't like that. This is going to be a reoccurring bit now. Can I just put that out there?

It's too much effort. I don't like effort. And it took a lot of effort to back up and come back twice already, so I'm not going to do it anymore. Well, the hilarious thing is you don't have to because you did it already so they could. Don't tell him that.

Bob Muyskens
It's a lot of work, Wade. You should stop doing it. Oh, yeah, you're right. Because they've already got the background, so I could just. You guys are smart.

Mark Fischbach
Say your small talk, because that's. That's really putting you in a good, good light, even. I want to give you points right now. Do I quit while I'm ahead? Now, hold on.

Wade Barnes
I've got to think about this. Do you really? Do you really? It's not my normal thing. It's not his way to quit while he's ahead.

Well, you know what? It's a new day. It's a new way. Yeah, sure. That's fine.

Mark Fischbach
All right. He. I give you the point. He quit. Hard to believe.

Wade Barnes
I quit while I was ahead. Fixed skateboarding. What? Did you say something after you quit? I heard him say something.

Mark Fischbach
I heard something about a skateboard. I never really skateboarded. I sat on one when I was really little, and I went down a hill and I fell off of it and scraped myself up, and I was like, never again. I've not really touched a skateboard since. So you did it for your safety because you want to live forever.

Segway point. Damn. Wings on fire.

Wade Barnes
Hell, yeah. You know how many points I just got back to back Bob?

Bob Muyskens
God, I hate that he knows that that's a bit he can do now. Like it, and I wish it would stop forever. Oh, man, that's great. That's great. Ah.

Mark Fischbach
All right, so we've talked a little bit about longevity before, right? Yeah. The rich guy who drank his son's blood or whatever the hell happened. Yeah. So what's interesting about longevity is that it goes even deeper than that.

So that guy is just an example of a rich guy who has lots of resources and is able to do whatever they want. Oh, wait, sorry. Pause. I gotta ask Amy something, because I just remembered there's. Oh, there's an even greater resource to go and deeper.

This. Amy, what's longevity? Amy? I just typed Amy even in text. Your text starts with Amy.

Oh, good. All right, hold on. Once I get that back in. But there's a subreddit that is literally dedicated to people. Oh, here we go.

Bob Muyskens
Okay. People that is dedicated to people. Dot, dot, dot. I can't handle the anticipated. Who.

Dot the dot, dot, dot, dot. Try dot, dot, dot. Oh. Oh.

Yeah, you're right. You just get. Ah. It's happening. What is happening?

Wade Barnes
Also, Bob, has there been a boiling pot of water behind you this whole time? This light that looks like it's on fire? Is that what you're talking about? Yeah, it looks like one of those survival game little pot fires that has. Been in my background since I lived in California.

Bob Muyskens
Literally. I got that two and a half years ago. Did it always have a pot of water above it? It's. It's a.

No, it doesn't. Now it's a lamp with the light. Parts on the floor and the pots above it. What? Is that not part of the same contraption?

It's a lamp sitting on a shelf, which is part of this lamp. I don't understand what you're confused about. I thought it was like a stepladder, but the bottom ladder step had a fire, and the top ladder still had a pot, and then there was a light behind it. You thought that this whole time? No, I just noticed it.

This is a stream deck in a holder, and this is the fridge plug that we did. You've been in that room? I just peeky and saw the back of Bob, and then I left. You saw my ass listless office chair and got the hell out of here. I really thought that was just, like, a fake fire with a pot on it.

Wade Barnes
I was like, man, you're really going for, like, the survival game. Feel. You got your crafting bench. Anyway, so this is actually kind of a touchy area to discuss the penis. No, not, not about the penis.

Okay, go on, bubbles. There's something going on. Go on. Anyway, what we're discussing here is people being dumb. And you shouldn't do any of the things that we are discussing.

Mark Fischbach
And none of this should be an incentive to be like, oh, that's interesting right there. That's something that I want to do in my life. No, don't do any of this. It's dumb. We're not even doing it.

We're talking about the people that do it. I feel like that could be a general disclaimer for this show. I want to talk about this thing because it seems so insane that people do this and that there's actually a community of people that do this thing. You boys ready? Sure.

Bob Muyskens
Can't wait any longer. Can't wait to do it. We're about to dive into the obscurely sidely legal world of research chemicals. You guys heard of this at all? No, but that sounds sketchy.

Wade Barnes
Is this like when you sniff glue before you write your term paper? It's not that far off, I think. Aha. So there's this thing called the FDA. Right.

Mark Fischbach
The Food and Drug Administration. And the reason I'm going all the way back to this is because the Food and Drug Administration didn't exist until the beginning of the 19th, the beginning of the 20th century. Wait, is that what it stands for? Yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry.

Wait, I gotta take away a point for that. Wow, that's. I always thought it was federal Drug Administration. It's food and drugs. Have you never noticed that the FDA also does like food?

Wade Barnes
Yeah, I just thought it was because there's so many drugs put into our food that they just grouped them together. Food is drugs. Oh, got it. I thought they had to have federal in there. I didn't know they could just be food and drug.

Mark Fischbach
Well, the administration part is kind of taking the place of the federal. What you're suggesting you can have an administration. It's not a federal administration. I don't. That's not like a common practice.

Bob Muyskens
The CIA doesn't have the federal part in there. No, but they're central. Hud doesn't have it in there. What is that? Housing and urban development.

Mark Fischbach
What is the firearms one? I'm thinking of NRA, but that's the. That's like. That's not the thing. No.

Bob Muyskens
The A, T, C or ATF? ATF. I thought it was dare. Wait I'll give you a point of view. You can tell me what D A R E stands for.

Wade Barnes
Drug abuse resistance education. Damn. Is that right? I actually think that is right. Yeah.

Mark Fischbach
I actually didn't know. So I think they disbanded, though. They're not dare anymore. There's something else now. That's what that was when we were growing up.

All right, I'll give you. I'll give you a point for dare. Yeah. So the reason I bring up the Food and Drug Administration, the FDA, is because the FDA didn't exist until a bunch of guys, more than two. There he goes.

Bob Muyskens
Oh, wow. I'm glad he's gone. I hope he never comes back. I don't think Mark has gotten more than a quarter of a sentence out of his mouth without Wade just jumping in on something. A bunch of dudes who before the FDA was the FDA, spent years, and I mean years, eating food with a bunch of things that they thought was deadly, but they didn't know for sure.

Wade Barnes
Didn't we do an episode on this? Am I crazy? Yeah, we talked about this. We talked about this from that the. Food and Drug Administration was formed, and then there was a lot of, like, rules and laws on what had to be reported for what was in food, what was allowed in food, what was allowed to be coloring.

Mark Fischbach
And I'm not 100% sure if this is true, but the reason red 40 is called red 40 is because there were 39 other versions, chemicals that was used as red dye that were since barred from being used. And I'm not 100% sure about that. So please confirm that. That might just be something I heard. What if it said it only has a 40% mortality rate?

Uh oh, I guess. I mean, it doesn't seem like what it would be, but it's, uh, probably not, is what I'm gonna say. So the reason I bring that up is because the Food and Drug Administration was very good. And then I started to get real relaxed about some things. Then came along this clause where you'll see it on drinks a lot and supplements and like, you know, premix, like workout powders and stuff like that, where it says claims not approved by the FAA, FDA, or like, we have not been verified by the FDA because there's a clause, right.

You can have chemicals in your thing, but if you don't say it's a food and you say that this has not been evaluated by the FDA and it's just a supplement, there's like a supplement clause that you can put it out for sale as long as it says not verified, you still can't put things in it that are on a banned list. But because there's so many chemicals out there, not everything is banned. Right? So I get from here, I get to this idea of research chemicals in general, because it's come full circle. There is a group of people out there that literally buy research chemicals and take them.

Bob Muyskens
Which sounds, on the face of it, like, just about the craziest thing I could imagine doing in my spare time. What constitutes a chemical? I'm thinking of, like, your energy things and all that stuff. Like you can buy. What's a research chemical?

Chemical is just like a compound of different molecules, right? It's any. Literally, like, anything is a chemical. Okay, but like, is thousand hour energy or that's not what it's called. You got the thousand hour energy.

Mark Fischbach
Holy shit. I accidentally chugged a thousand hour energy and I ended up in the ER. I was awake for 40 days and 40 nights. Thank God I have my thousand hour energy. I mean, maybe.

Maybe one of these guys does have the chemical. That is the thousand hour energy chemical. Okay, but five hour energy, I'm not trying to call them out specifically. There's the one I thought of. They're not a US food and Drug Administration approved.

Wade Barnes
They fall under this category. I guess there's a lot of stuff in the world that you would look at and be like, that's a food or drink, and actually it's a supplement. And thus is not like certified by the FDA or whatever. Yeah, it's a really weird gray area. And it's one of those things where it's like, this has not been proven to be deadly.

Mark Fischbach
So good luck, you know, kind of, kind of thing for it. Cause no one thought it was a good idea for humans to ingest it. So this actually is though, a step further than this. So usually if you put. Put a product out there and a bunch of people go blind in one eye and their left pinky explodes, you know, it would get pulled and they would get sued.

That does happen. That's true. Those things have been on the market that we were talking about for a while now. So that's fair. This is a step further.

These are just random ass research chemicals. Because the thing about organic chemistry and chemicals in general is that you can pretty much make an unlimited combination of different chemicals. You can assemble the periodic table of elements into a pretty, pretty much anything, any kind of chain, any amount, any configuration. And those things can do random ass things to biology. And who knows what they can do?

They could do nothing. Most of them just do nothing. Because your body just, like, doesn't even interface with it and purge it. So fe could be. Oh, no.

Bob, did you get that one? Fe is iron. Oh, no. Are you saying it's bad if you. I don't know.

Bob Muyskens
I don't know. Wait, wait. Disappear for a second. I need to talk to Bob. Disappear for a second.

Mark Fischbach
I gotta talk. Peace off for a second.

So, Bob, was that a smart joke that he made, or was it? I think the concept was good, but then he. The punchline was confusing.

Wade Barnes
It's still funny to me. I'm so glad that's staying through the whole episode. So, for those of you who don't know, way back in whenever, this was lsd. Which stands for.

Bob Muyskens
Lysergic acid diethylamide. That's true. Yep. That's true. It checks out.

Mark Fischbach
That started out as a research chemical. And when we say research chemical, I want people to know that all this means is that it's a chemical that someone made that people think might have some application. So they're doing research on it to see if that's true. That's kind of where. I'm glad you're saying that.

Wade Barnes
Because I thought these were drugs you take when you need to do research.

Bob Muyskens
Hey, he made that joke already. No, don't write anything. I didn't write anything down. Do you see a pen in my hand? You'll see it.

Mark Fischbach
It's right there. Right there. Okay. All right. What are you holding that up with?

My foot. Oh, okay. Are you just gonna question everything I do this episode? Wade. All right.

Wade Barnes
I don't know what you just asked me. I zoned out. Mark, I'm talking to you. Hey. Hi, Bob.

Bob Muyskens
Remember how I looked up what LSD stands for? Uh huh. That was great. You want point for that? That seems like point worthy.

I don't know. Participating. You're right. That's a point worthy thing. That's definitely a point worthy thing.

Mark Fischbach
Feels like you're just really. You're not gonna get me that easy. You're not gonna get me that easy. All right. All this converges.

You remember how I started this? Longevity, right? When you get the crossroads of reckless stupidity and reckless pursuit. You reach this apex. Where somehow you have found success.

And you have money. My God. That's me. Now Bob's gone. Editors, can you make the whole tub just blow up.

Wade Barnes
Our highest produced episode ever? Now that you're done working on iron lung. We need the full editing team to blow up Mark's bathtub. Get an m 80. Get a green screen.

Bob Muyskens
Go in your backyard. Film a practical explosion for our our cinematic experience of a podcast. Listen, viewers, you're not or listeners, you're not missing anything this episode. There's nothing you need to be watching for. There's nothing.

Mark Fischbach
This episode is brought to you by Mint Mobile. Mint mobile. Mint mobile. Mint mobile. Everyone loves Mint mobile.

And it's time for more. Mint mobile. Mint mobile. If you say a word too much, it doesn't sound like a word anymore. Mint mobile.

Bob Muyskens
Mint mobile. Mint mobile. Mint mobile. Mint Mobile. Mint mobile.

Wade Barnes
Did you know Mint Mobile has unlimited talk? Everyone knows Mint Mobile has unlimited talk, text and data plans for $15 a month. When you buy a three month plan. Everyone knows it. Everyone knows you can save with Mint Mobile.

Mark Fischbach
Mintmobile.com. Slash distractable. Use distractible. Use the slash distractable. To get this new customer offer, go to Mint mobile.com distractible.

That's mintmobile.com. D I S d R a c c I b l E. $45 up front. Payment required. Equivalent to $15 a month for the first three months only.

Speeds slower than 40gb on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees, and restrictions apply. Seamen mobile for details. This episode is brought to you by rocket money. Guys, I found another subscription.

Bob Muyskens
It's not even one. They keep coming. What? That's crazy. But that's okay, because I could use rocket money.

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You should get that, mark. It's probably important. Oh, no way to get to the point of all of this. How do we live forever? By not dying.

Ah, he got it. He got it. He went. All right, cool. Well, that's.

Mark Fischbach
That's it? Yeah. Wow. That's, like, everyone's first mistake. Yeah.

So not dying. Uh, but, hey, what if. What if, you know what if there's one of those chemicals out there, that's going to be the magic, make you live forever chemical. Being completely ignorant of any of how the science works, I'm just going to say confidently, that's definitely not a thing that's possible to achieve purely with chemicals. Evan, unless it's chocolate milk, because I really like chocolate milk, and I would like for it to be the cure.

All right, those are two somehow the same answer, but somehow very different. But Bob, expound upon that. You think that a single chemical can't do that. The thing about dying is that your body decays the longer you're alive, no matter what. And it's not like, a matter of, oh, you just need to not get sick.

Bob Muyskens
The longer you live, the more likely you are to have, like, a genetic mutation, the more likely you are to have degenerative diseases that sort of develop or that you're predisposed for that sort of come up as you get older. Your body is not designed to live forever. And I like, maybe there's a huge cocktail of chemicals that could do something that would help your body not degrade in the way that it does as quickly. But I don't. There's no way.

There's just one magical chemical that you just inject that twice a week, and then you won't die, ever and your body won't degrade. I thought you were going in the direction of, like, uploading your consciousness to a computer or something, where it's like, is that living forever? Does that count? But that seems more likely to succeed to me than keeping your physical body alive enough that you could, like, call it living forever. Let me ask you boys a question.

Mark Fischbach
Yeah, go. Have you ever heard of the ship of theseus? I'm so glad you brought that up. What, are we doing philosophy now? No, I don't know.

Wade Barnes
Cause if you replace the parts of you that are dying one cell at a time. Oh, wait. We had this discussion. What were those things called? Microplastics?

Bob Muyskens
No, no, never. It was you. You were gonna. You were gonna grow, like, tumors. Oh, teratomas.

Teratomas. You're gonna grow teratomas to grow replacement body parts and organs and stuff. Are teratomas specific? Hair and bones and shit? Yeah.

Mark Fischbach
Yeah, they are. Oh, he'd be like, gremlins. You get us wet at midnight, we, like, crouch down and little balls form on our backs, and little us just pop out. We're like, sup? I'm weed.

Wade Barnes
That's what little gremlins of me would do. Would that be considered living forever? Cloning yourself? Isn't there a thought experiment about that? Something, isn't it called.

Bob Muyskens
What's it called? Like, the swamp man or something? I suppose. Look, if we're gonna get philosophical, it depends on your definition of you, because if they contain your memories and experiences, then technically you are living forever. But if you mean, like, your personal self, like not just the concept of Wade, but, like me, Wade, live forever, then no.

Wade Barnes
So it really depends on what your definition of living forever is. That's the thing. Yeah, because we gotta figure out where the definition is. Because if I have a clone that just suddenly appeared in, like, another tub was right. Like here in the tub.

Mark Fischbach
If I was like, oh, shit. Editors put me there. Whoa. Make a 3d model and rig up a mark next to mark listeners. You're not missing the thing.

You're not missing a thing. Don't worry. All right, so even if I appeared right there in that instant, we would be different people. Because in that moment, we're both having suddenly a different perspective. And a lot of what you are is based on your perspective, right?

So you. That's what you're talking about, Wade. The philosophical perspective of the me that is me is me from this perspective. Me from that perspective suddenly becomes a different person because their experiences deviate completely. So I would say that's not living forever.

And I would say that some people don't realize what you're talking about, Bob, which is like, this truth that, like, a single chemical isn't going to make you live forever. Because if there was. If there was a single chemical that was a make you live forever chemical, then our bodies, our cells and our DNA would have a single slot for the live forever chemical. There would have to be some kind of unifying thing in your biological system. Because you die, your body decays in a lot of ways.

Bob Muyskens
And it's not. Not a one fix thing, exactly. It's a very. I mean, the whole body itself is an unbelievably complex system with millions of different chemicals swimming around all the time, making you. You.

Mark Fischbach
It's just like, if you want to think about you is in, like, the. You. Are you this cell? Are you this cell? Are you this cell?

That cell just died. What? Oh, God. It is very ship of Theseus. But let's say, for example, there is maybe a chemical cocktail of something like that.

Or there is something. How and how do we live forever? I mean, isn't that, like, mentally, how? Sure. I don't know.

Bob Muyskens
I don't know. The chemicals, if you're asking me for the formulation of the live forever serum. I didn't get that one. I missed that email. But isn't.

I mean, isn't the idea of living forever like a form of torture? To some people? Yeah, the idea. The character that lives forever eventually tries to kill themselves, or they. Or they do, because they can.

But, like, you don't want to live forever. I get the idea of wanting to live as long as possible, but I wouldn't want to live forever. But some people disagree, because some people are spending millions. That guy who had his son's blood injected into him, he spends millions a year. Didn't he actually pass away?

Mark Fischbach
Huh? Didn't he pass away? No way. I thought I saw a thing where he actually passed away. I'm not joking.

Wade Barnes
I thought he actually passed away. I think that's a lie. I. If you. If you google it, I mean, I didn't claim it.

I just said I thought I heard it. No, if you google it, the. One of the top searches is dies in car. The millionaire who injects son's blood dies in car accident. But that's not actually like a.

Bob Muyskens
That doesn't seem to be a real thing. One of the funny things that a lot of these guys who try this say a lot is my biological age is so much younger than my actual age. By what metric are they measuring their quote unquote biological age? I mean, you basically pick whatever arbitrary biomarkers. There are things that are indicators of how old your body is.

Cardiac health, your respiratory health, your, I don't know, liver health. Like there are things where you could test for enzymes or whatever and get an idea of like, oh, yeah, you're pretty healthy. You got the lungs of a 20 year old. Yeah, I think that's the expression. But in reality, I think they take it a little too far and saying, like, my biological age is 35.

Mark Fischbach
I'm winning. And they use it as like a metric. Anyway, that's not the point here. Wait, how again, depends on your definition of live. Fertility.

Wade Barnes
You mean you physically, your body, your mind, your brain? Or do you mean like the idea of you, me? This is a trick question mark. Supposed at the beginning of this question, there is a chemical compound that will allow you to do this. Right?

Bob Muyskens
That was part of what you said. You live forever by taking that compound. So I win the game. I answered your trick question, you bastard. You could live forever by putting your YouTube video in a box and burying it or something.

Wade Barnes
And, you know someone will find it. No, that's not living forever. That's dumb and that's stupid. That's why I said, depends on your definition. I already answered your question about definition.

Well, you said me, which isn't really an answer because you was still a vague concept. No, we went under the categories of what you were saying. We already established the parameters and we could. We pared it down to one thing. Well, we did, but then we went back to the original question, which was a bad question to begin with, so I thought you were just trying to trick us, which Bob also thought you were trying to trick us, but in a different way.

Mark Fischbach
What do you mean, a bad question? Are you saying that this is a fool's error? Yes. I think Wade's only criticism of anything in life is that they. People ask bad questions, apparently.

Wade Barnes
Agreed. I just give bad statements. I didn't ask good questions about chapstick. Mark doesn't ask good questions about living forever. This man can't be.

Bob Muyskens
Can't be pleased. Everyone is inferior to me is what I'm saying. Is that true? So nobody should live forever because no one's worthy? Well, so you should live forever.

Wade Barnes
God, no. Look at me. I'm like the crypt keeper and I'm, like, 20 years old.

What? I just turned 20 this year, man. You're just. Just turned 20? I was eight when we started truck Minecraft.

Mark Fischbach
Wow. I blossomed early. So you entered high school? The high school that we went to the same school at. In the same grade when you were one.

Wade Barnes
Dude, you should have seen me out of the womb. My poor mom. Okay, so the answer to this question seems to be, you can't live forever. Well, that can't be right. What about all those research chemicals?

Bob Muyskens
Oh, well, you know what? You're right, Mark. You can live forever. All you have to do is become a millionaire. Uh, actually, probably billionaire, but, you know, 100 millionaire, maybe enough, I guess.

And then, uh, buy and consume every research chemical as quickly as humanly possible. And, uh, hope for Spider man luck. I've got another idea here for you, Mark. Have you heard of PFAS? Yes.

Wade Barnes
How you live forever is you just ingest so many forever chemicals that your body will never break down. You become the pfas of Theseus. That's kind of a legitimate answer, right? If you can't break down, how do you die, exactly? Oh, okay, we're going that way.

Bob Muyskens
I know a good way to live forever. If you just let somebody freeze you in carbonite, I'm pretty sure if you let you stay frozen, you just live forever. Or you get in a spaceship, you go really, really fast, like, 99% the speed of light. Come back to Earth. Earth will have gone about a thousand years into the future, but you barely be that much older.

Wade Barnes
Or you go near a black hole, and you go onto a planet, maybe covered in water, near a black hole, you leave the planet, go back to the ship, and, like, an hour's passed for you, and, like, a hundred years have passed on the ship. Yeah. Uh huh. All that is actually the same concept. Did you know that?

Bob Muyskens
Yes, Wade, you actually stole that from a 1993 movie called among the stars. I don't know if you know that. There was a mob movie called inter fellas.

It was actually a spy movie called Splinter, Stella. Well, yeah, because speed, and also, like, relative curvature of spacetime, is effectively the same thing. Well, someone's gonna be really mad at me for boiling that down to that, but I'm trying to simplify the idea of, like, if you. I'm pretty sure that's what Einstein said. Yeah, I think he did.

Mark Fischbach
But the idea of, like, if you go faster than someone who is on a planet and you're in a spaceship going 99.99% the speed of light, it is effectively the same as that thing from interstellar, where the guy's up high and you're down on the plane. It's not that you went faster. It's that near the black hole, the space time was curved more. Closer. Anyway, whatever.

Shut up. Shut up. Shut up, the both of you. I'm not living any younger. I'm agreeing with you, Mark.

Bob Muyskens
You're right. Shut up. Shut up. I'm not living any younger. Wait.

Mark Fischbach
Disappear. There's nothing to be gleaned from these wonderful chemicals that exist. Maybe something. This is the thing, though, right? Simulations need to reach a point where they have meaningful outcomes, because asking people to just consume something to see what happens is like some early 19th century shit.

Bob Muyskens
If someone really wants to do that to themselves for themselves, I guess, fine, but that still seems completely insane. But doctors or researchers being like, hey, I'll give you $50 if you drink this. And then they don't even know what that chemical is going to do. No, I don't think that's good for humanity. All right, I want to.

Mark Fischbach
I want to read a quote from this subreddit. I'm not saying which one it is. The. The title of this is, bro, I just blew my butt mind. Oh, my God.

Wade Barnes
I never thought of butt chugging. Research chemical. The actual body of the description is boofing blank. This chemical is not to be taken lightly. End of posts.

Well, people do fear deatha, therefore they try to find ways to skirt it. It makes sense. That is true. Do you guys fear death, though? Only, like, right before I fall asleep some nights and my brain's like, you're gonna fucking die.

That might be painful. Like, the thought of dying isn't scary as much as, like, a painful death, like, suffering. Dude, I've never feared death more than every night when I finally get almost asleep, but I'm rolled, I'm facing away from the door, and then I hear that noise behind me and my brain is like, the murderer got in. Or when you're hot and your foot's above the covers and you think you hear something, you need to put your foot under the covers real quick. Don't take your tootsies at all.

Mark Fischbach
I go to, I'm at this Airbnb and the air conditioner. You know, every time it turns on, it sucks the filter up. Every single time it turns on, I'm like, they're coming. To be fair, though, if someone breaks in, they're never going to look in your bathtub first. You're probably safe.

Wade Barnes
Let's hope they're not really dirty when they come in and decide they need a bath. You for breaking to someone's house, and you're just like, man, that was disgusting. I got clean off. Hey, there you are. How many years would be enough?

Mark Fischbach
If you could add on until I'm. Like, uncomfortable being alive, I guess. Like, until, like, it's just like, the quality of life's too bad. I've got a random thought, though, before I lose it. Okay, so if you're on the planet near the black hole and, like, times like an hour passes and it feels like an hour, if you had a camera on the ship and you were watching the feed, would you see that person aging, like, fucking rapidly?

Oh, you were looking up, like, if. You had a camera on the spaceship looking at the people up there, you were on the planet. An hour passes, they age 100 years. You don't age at all. Would you see that?

Wade Barnes
Like, it was quickly happening on the camera. Theoretically, it would be like you were watching the playback in fast forward, but that's what you would be witnessing in real time, right? Yeah. So just. Would it, like, I'm just curious what you would see.

Bob Muyskens
It would have to. You'd have to see them just moving, like, insanely quickly around like a crazy little worker ant or something, right? Here's the thing. Think of the reverse perspective. You're in the ship.

Mark Fischbach
You see them undock and start to go down, and then they just go slower till they're barely moving. You're like, man, it's fucking buffering again. Exactly how infuriating would that be? Just like watching them, like, let's go. Alrighty, push.

And then you see them all dying in slow motion, like they're making the stupidest mistakes, and you're like, just. Just get in the ship. Close the door. Don't stand looking at the wave. What are you doing?

Wade Barnes
You're watching a horror movie at zero, zero one speed. So, yeah, I think maybe you are right. It would be that perspective. But also, I think, in realistic terms, even though that phenomenon is true, I doubt that the distance between orbit and the surface of the planet is actually going to be that significant as far as time dilation goes. But you can imagine a scenario where it would be.

Mark Fischbach
I'm imagining it. I just thought it'd be wild to watch the feed on either perspective, I guess, of, like, their time passing. You're in the ship looking down, you're like, what a rush. Oh, man. Well, I wasn't thinking of that perspective, to be fair.

Wade Barnes
I was thinking of more like, God looks you. That's actually his joke. He made I forget what he's doing, but he was rendering this effect, and he was waiting for it to finish on his computer. And we all go over and look over his shoulder, and he just sits there. We're all, Sarah, he's going, wow, what a rush.

Mark Fischbach
This is the fucking funniest thing, man. I'm gonna quote that forever now.

All right, so in the end of it, guess we're just stuck. Three lost souls swimming in a fishbowl. I'll answer your question as you asked it, as accurately as I feel like I can ignore whether we would want to live forever. And assuming that there is some series of things you can do or inject or ingest or otherwise do to your body that keeps you alive forever in the body that you're currently in, I have to feel like it would get so intense, whatever it is, you'd have to do it so frequently to fight it off. You'd eventually your entire existence would be like.

Bob Muyskens
Like a constant drip of whatever this chemical is. What if you took too much and it benjamin buttoned you and you started, like, de aging? Oh, that's a whole other problem. Because if you can slow down the point of stopping aging, I'm. Again, I'm imagining, theoretically, it's not that you're slowing down anything in, like, terms of relativity.

It's like your magical chemicals fix all problems with the human body. Can repair your DNA, can repair tissues in your body, grow your penis back. Back only to where it should be. Define should. Where it were.

Wade Barnes
Oh, okay. No extra length or girth, but you retain the maximum that you deserve. All right. Okay. All right.

Mark Fischbach
Good, good. But like, I just. It's hard to imagine that that would work in a way where it wouldn't turn into that, which is then, like, at what point is that worth it as an existence? You're basically still a patient in a hospital bed. Your body is, you know, 50 years old or whatever when you.

Bob Muyskens
Theoretically, but you can't be disconnected from the machine that puts the juice in you, that fixes you constantly. Anyway, I don't know. I zoned out because I pictured taking an image, shrinking it and expanding it, and it's the country singer Garth Brooks, and now he's girth Brooks. And you just came up with that? No one else.

No one else came up with that? I don't know, they probably have, but I found it funny. Well, then I guess the question isn't about living forever, it's about how girthy can you get before you die. I think that's the real question here, dude. Based on my metabolism the last year, probably pretty girthy.

Mark Fischbach
I think that's a goal for everyone at home to aspire to. Don't research chemicals unless you're a scientist. Then you can like research, but like, don't do them. FDA is probably a good thing. I don't know how.

Wade Barnes
I don't know. I don't know much about the FDA other than like FDA approved. We like take as like a. Oh, good, it's safe. Then again, they did start with some dudes being like, yeah, I'll drink it.

Mark Fischbach
Fuck.

Wade Barnes
Like, the precursor to jackass is also how we make sure food and drugs are safe. Yeah, kinda. It's not wrong. I'll just say, you know, if. If there is that chemical out there, I don't want to be the one that.

It's a sign, Mark, you better take your research. Oh my God. You've been recording in that tub for so long and suddenly can't stop turning the water on. Three weeks in this tub and now today, all of a sudden, you can't see. Sit still.

Mark Fischbach
Alright, I'm ending it. I'm ending it. I don't have any. I don't know anything. All right.

Okay, I'm gonna tabulate the points. Wade. Woof. You got a point for hoot. Now, bold.

That's what you got a point for. What is bold? The law. I got a point for he quit. Exclamation point.

You got the Segway point. You gotta see a point. You lost a point for the f dum A. Got it right back for dare. You got a point for don't die.

And then you got a point. Point for complete superiority. I feel like there were a lot of points after that you didn't write down. That was a lot. I think he's daring you to take his points away.

I did give you a point for inter risquel risk. Interfellas. Interfellas. That's it. Inter fellas.

That's it. The mob movie. Yeah, I did give you a point for that, but. So I better get a splinter cell a point. Yeah, you got a splinter cell a point.

Bob Muyskens
Okay, good. Okay. Okay, Bob, you got a point for splinter cella. And you got a point for thought he won. And then I didn't write anything else.

Oh, no. Okay. Even I think that's unfair. Can I throw a flag for Bob? I think there are definitely some more points in there you didn't.

Didn't make note of. I don't know what happened. Okay, so it's really up in the air to see who wins, I guess. I think what it was, Bob. Here's what I think it was.

Mark Fischbach
And you. You, like you tell me if is fair. Wade interrupted me so much that his opportunities for points was skyrocketing throughout the episode, simply because most of the time I was groaning. But occasionally it did make me laugh, though I never really got to make a point. And that I should probably deduct a point for that I didn't.

Wade Barnes
Then you can't take a point for my comedy spray and pray fucking deducting. A point for that. So do I actually only have two points then? Yeah, I'm afraid you do. I will give you an opportunity, though, a speed round of whatever the hell you want if you think it's worth a point.

Mark Fischbach
I will give you 30 seconds to get as many points as you can. It's like you're stepping inside the wind tunnel of points and you gotta grab them out of the air. Okay, can I interrupt them to get. More points for myself? No.

Maybe. Anyway, it's a 32nd speed round. I guess it would only be fair if Wade could also participate, but somehow he could. You could also lose points. Just be aware of that.

Really wish I made my ringtone. One of those animal noises. Three, two, one, go. Yeah, Wade's bald. Damn this is the number one podcast in our solar system.

Bob Muyskens
Probably definitely in the first three planets. The boo subreddit sucks. And especially that one, the dangerous one we were talking about today. That's bad one, too. All subreddits suck.

Take that, Reddit. Although ours just sided with Mark, so he might not agree. I could throw a red flag for what you've done, but I'm choosing not to because I don't ever want to see that wheel again for the rest of my life. I got it in under the buzzer. I heard a puppy bark.

Wade Barnes
Mark, one point. Have you told me which dog it was? I know which dog it was. Actually, I think Chica started it, but then Henry always follows up. It was definitely Henry.

Mark Fischbach
Yeah, Henry was a latter one, but chica, I believe I heard her. Woo. First. She's been doing that a little bit more lately. All right, Mark, one point.

Bob Muyskens
You get it? All right, cool. Thank you. You got two extra points out of. That, Bob, that does not sound like enough.

Mark Fischbach
Oh, wait, no, you got the buzzer beater one. You did get that. I interrupted twice. Do I get a rudeness point? No.

All right, so, unfortunately, Bob, that wasn't enough to get you across the threshold. Although you got five points. Wade ended up with six. Oh, that was actually closer because he had deductions. Wade, you almost lost yourself the contest there.

Bob Muyskens
If you had listened to anything that I said throughout the rest of the episode, I would have been in there with a chance. You weren't as rude as I was. I know. I thought I was polite and insightful, but that's not what we're here for. I guess I know what mark.

Mark Fischbach
Like, that's the episode. Congratulations, Wade. Thanks, man. Is this winter speech time, or. Yeah.

I would like all you to inject your speeches with another disclaimer. To not do anything that we receive and remotely. We weren't even suggesting it. It's all dumb. Yeah, if you research chemical, then all.

Right, that might be the worst winner speech I've ever heard in the history of this podcast. Bob, this loser speech is sponsored by the disclaimer song written and performed by Ethan Nestor. It's not supposed to be out there, but I'm sure you can find it online. It has a lot of important information. And the main thing being, don't try this or you'll die.

Bob Muyskens
I felt like I said a lot of things that didn't get any points whatsoever, but it was fun, you know? It's fun. Fun to be here. Very fair. I mean, I give you a speed round.

Mark Fischbach
I felt like that was real close there. Real close there. But thank you, everybody, so much for watching, listening. Those listening. What are you getting out of that container, Wade?

Wade Barnes
Oh, it's not a container. It's just a chapstick. Oh, it looks like a plastic tube. That's so weird. It just made your chapstick in the shape of a plastic tube.

Yeah. Hang on. I'm gonna hold upside down, watch all this liquid pour out. That's. That's not an argument I was making.

Bob Muyskens
That's. That's irrelevant. I'm gonna leave you with an article that made me mad. That has nothing to do with what we talked about. It just says the hertz charges.

Mark Fischbach
Tesla model three renters dollar. 277 fee on gas, won't back down. How much was the fee? 277. $277 fee for gas on an electric car and they won't back down.

And I gotta say, I had. The same thing happened to me. I was there and I went to rent a car. I didn't pick what it was. And it happened to be like, not a Tesla, but it was one of those other.

I can't even remember right now, but it was electric car brought it back, looked on mercedes. A fuel fee. That makes sense. I know electricity isn't free, but, um, it wasn't $277 equivalent of gas that I put in the fucking car. I didn't drive it that far.

Wade Barnes
Electricity is a fuzz fuel. Oh, that's got to be worth at least a couple negative points. It's over. The winner speech happened. The winner speech happened.

Bob Muyskens
We're sellier. Mark's introducing topics he's hosting established in our bylaws. Once the speech has happened, you can't change the outcome. I am preemptively deducting a point for the next time I'm hosting. We also said we're not allowed to do that.

Mark Fischbach
No, no, the ruling on the subreddit was that we are. I'm hosting next episode. Just wait till you see what I do to you. Okay, okay, whatever. You won distractiblestore.com.

If you want new merch, you gotta go get this merch because the next round of merch is coming up soon and we're gonna have a pocket constitution so everyone can understand the bylaws as you're listening. Don't read it while you're driving. I'm definitely gonna carry a pocket constitution just so I know what's going on. Alright, we're out of here. Peace.

Podcast out. That's it. I forgot.

1000 Hour Energy

Primary Topic

Episode Summary

Main Takeaways

Episode Chapters

1: Introduction and Sponsors

2: Longevity and Research Chemicals

3: Health Myths and Speculations

Actionable Advice

About This Episode

People

BooksContent Warnings:

Transcript