Tiffany Haddish

Dax Shepard
Welcome, welcome. Welcome to armchair expert. I'm Dax shepherd. I'm joined by Miss Monica Mouse. Hello, Miss Monica.

Monica Padman
Hi. I have been looking so forward to this guest for six and a half years. Yes. And we finally got her. And then the version of which we got her could not be more exceptional.

Yeah. I'm not gonna ruin any of it for you. You'll hear all of it. But it's an interview. That shouldn't have happened.

Dax Shepard
That happened. Yes. Through sheer will. Yes. Tiffany Haddish.

I love Tiffany Haddish so much. She's an award winning actor, a stand up comedian, and a best selling author. You love her in girls trip, night school, the unbearable weight of massive talent, haunted mansion, the after party. You probably read her book, the Last Black Unicorn. And she has a new essay collection out tomorrow called I curse you with Joy.

So check out I curse you with joy. It's phenomenal. It's out tomorrow. Please enjoy. Tiffany Haddish.

We are supported by intuit, the technology platform that builds your financial confidence. There's some things that school doesn't really teach you, like how to handle the financial world. I mean, look, I did 16 years of school, and I didn't have a single class on accruing debt or a hole that that puts you on. Yeah, they don't teach you that. No effort made whatsoever.

If you want more financial knowledge, now is a great time to learn. With Intuit for education program. It has free, easy to use resources like getting a car loan with credit karma simulations, understanding taxes with turbotax lessons, and even learning to run a business with Quickbook simulations. Check out intuits free resources today@intuit.com. Education.

Intuit that's intuit.com education. We are supported by Intuit, the technology platform that builds your financial confidence. There's some things that school doesn't really teach you, like how to handle the financial world. I mean, look, I did 16 years of school and I didn't have a single class on accruing debt or a hole that that puts you on. Yeah, they don't teach you that.

No effort made whatsoever. If you want more financial knowledge, now is a great time to learn with Intuit for education program. It has free, easy to use resources like getting a car loan with credit karma simulations, understanding taxes with turbotax lessons, and even learning to run a business with Quickbook simulations. Check out Intuit's free resources today@intuit.com. Education.

Intuit that's intuit.com education. He's an object expert.

Tiffany Haddish
He's an object.

Monica Padman
Hello. Hi. You made it. Monica. You have a bunch of hands.

Nice to meet you, Monica. Nice to meet you. Yeah, but let's talk. What would you. We got you a coffee.

Dax Shepard
We got. I don't drink coffee. I drink tea. Okay. What kind of tea would you like?

Tiffany Haddish
Mint tea. We have spearmint tea. Yeah, that's the same thing. That's the thing. That's Monica's favorite.

Dax Shepard
You ever see these? Oh, yeah. And then I got. They're good kinds. I'm not really hungry.

Can I put them next to you? Could you change my mind? I'm kind of worried about you. You are? Yes, of course.

Monica Padman
Well, you're a trooper, I gotta say. I think I would have been like. I should probably offer to just come back tomorrow, but I can't. I don't have time tomorrow. When it came around, I was like, if this thing flips over.

Dax Shepard
What do we do next? How am I gonna flip this myself? Yeah. And then I was just like, God. I'm glad you're okay.

Tiffany Haddish
Yeah, I'm fine. Do you have one of those seatbelt cutters? Slash windows? No, I don't have that. You need to get that.

Monica Padman
I just got one. I don't get in car accidents often. Yeah. You've been driving this car for six years. This was your first?

Tiffany Haddish
Yeah. The worst in that car is maybe backing up into a yellow pole. Yes. Okay. That happens.

Like. Or the Beverly Hills Hotel when you come out there. Oh, fuck that parking structure. Oh, is that the Beverly Hills Hotel right there where the Grammy parties be at? Yes.

Dax Shepard
But when you were saying that, I have to admit I was picturing chateau, which is a disaster. That one sucks. Have you ever pulled into the chateau? No, I don't even mess around. Pulling in over there.

So scary. Yeah, you're better off just leaving it on sunset and walking up the hill. Yes, that's mostly what I do. I park at the laugh factory and walk down the alley. That's clever.

Tiffany Haddish
That's 138 days. That's a long fucking time. And that interview that I did, I think it was in January. So then it came out the beginning of February or something like that. And I think I said, it's been like 49 days or something like that.

Dax Shepard
Okay. So whenever that was. So what's interesting, though, is you chose to do that then right before the holidays. Yeah, it was like November something. Is that mega for you?

I'm an addict, so that's a long time. I don't think I'm an addict. Cause it doesn't. Which is shocking. I'm maybe a workaholic.

Tiffany Haddish
Here goes my things that I'm addicted to. Give me your isms. I'm a workaholic. I am a laughaholic. That's a good one.

I need to hear laughs. I need to be laughing. If a day goes by and I don't hear somebody laughing or if I don't laugh, it's gonna be hell on earth. Okay. It's gonna be a problem.

Dax Shepard
It's dark. I'll get to the point by the end of the day, I'm like, I didn't hear anybody laughing today. I pull up a YouTube video and just. Baby's laughing. Whenever I get down or whatever, baby's laughing.

Tiffany Haddish
It clears the energy. They do have the best laugh. The best laughs in the world is contagious. It's the realest. So I tried to not eat meat for, like, 30 days, and I was doing good.

And then I'm definitely addicted to me. And it's definitely chicken. I gotta fucking have. And pastrami. I love pastrami.

Dax Shepard
Have you gone to langers? Yes, I've been to langers. That's in New York, right by MacArthur park. Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

It's like 85 years old. Yes, yes. Cause if you had not been there. They put the juice on there and all that. That would be the first hang we would have is langers.

Tiffany Haddish
Yeah. And it's a time travel. Cause everyone in there is 85 years old, and it looks like 1972 in there. And you feel like you. Time warped.

Yes. Okay. Pastrami, chicken, candy. You like? I do like candy, but only around this time.

Dax Shepard
That's not an ism, because you're about to have your period right now. I could go for some sour sticks. Or the sour straws. Sour power. Sour power sources.

Monica Padman
Sour power source. The sour power strips. Okay. I don't know about this. You don't know about the sour power strips?

Tiffany Haddish
No. That you used to have to buy at the liquor store back in the day. You can get three for $0.25. But I like that with pickle. Like, you wrap a pickle with the sour.

Dax Shepard
This is freaky. Or stick a jolly rancher inside a pickle or a mint inside a pickle. Oh, my God. You're wild around this time. Dip the pickle in Kool aid like a real good dill pickle, and you dip it in Kool aid powder.

Oh, my lord. My. Mm. That's one of the weirdest things. One day, I'm gonna invite you to my house, and you try it.

Tiffany Haddish
You're gonna be like, this is fucking dope. If you like sweet and sour. Well, I like sour. I'm more of a savory. Like the chicken?

Dax Shepard
Yeah, I would never. I say that, but I was vegan for a year, but I would never again try to quit meat. That's a joke. We're supposed to eat meat. I don't think we are, you know.

No, we are. I don't think we are. Okay, let's have our first fight. Okay, let's do it. By the way, our teeth are shaped.

I don't think we are, you know why? Can we pause for just a second? Yeah, we can pause. We're gonna resume this because I got a knockout punch to that rhetoric. This is her.

Tiffany Haddish
Hi, Tiffany, good afternoon. I had a service order for your Tesla. Yes, are you at a safe location? Yes, I'm in a safe location. My sister Tuesday is with the car right now cuz I had to be at work.

Dax Shepard
Okay, it's gonna be about 60 minutes. Good Lord. Why 60 minutes? Do you know how famous I am?

Tiffany Haddish
It's all good. Can I pat you in with my sister? Okay, so she can know too. Whose name is the membership under? My name.

Tiffany Haddish. Okay. You want to send me your membership. Card to this number? Yeah, yeah, I'll send you my membership card to them.

What's your name? My name is Mike. Mike. Are you gonna be the one picking up the car, Mike? No, it's gonna be a driver.

You gonna tell me who that is? I'm gonna see which driver gets free. And I'll let you know. Most likely it's gonna be either Carlos. Uh huh.

Dax Shepard
Or David. Carlos or David. Send Carlos. No, send David. I'd like to name David.

No, David's lazy. No, David's not lazy. David is a good strong name. No, get Carlos on that. He's a hater.

Tiffany Haddish
I'm sorry. Okay, I'm gonna send you the insurance now. And are you with triple A insurance also? No, stay farm. Yeah, we're not allowed to say that on this.

Dax Shepard
We'll cut it out. We'll cut it out. I'm actually doing a podcast at the same exact time I'm at work. 1 second. I'm so sorry.

What?

Tiffany Haddish
State farm. We're not sponsored. Don't say State farm. We gotta. I don't even know the name of the number.

I gotta lock the number in to send. I'm gonna do this. Copy that. Then I'm gonna do this. Make this move.

I'm gonna do this. And then, oh, don't do that. Oh, I gotta do this, and then I'm gonna do this, and then I'm gonna do that, and then, bam. Don't be giving all my personal information. You haven't given any yet.

Dax Shepard
I'm sure Mike is panicked right now. Hello? The tow truck guy, he told me to hold on for a second. I wanted to merge him with you. Either David or Carlos is coming.

Tiffany Haddish
He said it's gonna be 60 minutes. 60 minutes. That's what the fuck I said. But Liz told me at 345. That's what they had told her.

But then he just called me and said, 60 minutes. Cause he don't know. Is that Tuesday? Yeah, it's Tuesday. Hey.

Dax said hey, but he don't know. If I just met Tuesday if it's. Gonna be Carlos or David that's gonna be available. So he done hung up on me now. I'm gonna send you his phone number so you could call him.

Yeah. All right. Send me his number. Okay, love you. Bye.

Monica Padman
We can be done with the show now. That was perfect. Talk about privilege. Shoot. I'll be back to my car before they even get to me.

Dax Shepard
Exactly. Be like, you know what? Dax just dropped me off. When you pick my ass up, I'll handle this. This is some bullshit.

Tiffany Haddish
Where was we at? Meat. Just skip. Why is meat important? Meat.

Dax Shepard
Okay. You want me to tell you why our teeth aren't resembling those of other omnivores? Yes. Cause that's where I was about to go with it. With the teeth cooking.

We have been cooking meat for two and a half million years. So we didn't need to have those teeth. And those teeth are expensive. You have to dedicate a lot of nutrients and growth to them, so we don't have anything extra. We wouldn't carry around these big canines if we didn't need them.

So since we've been cooking meat for two and a half million years, cooking it allows us to eat it with these teeth. So our teeth have genetically modified is what you're saying, because we've been cooking meat? Yeah. In the archaeological record, we know 100% humans have been eating meat forever. Mm hmm.

You're not buying it? I gotta tell her. I think humans eat bugs. Sure, they eat, which is the meat. I think humans should be eating more vegetables.

Tiffany Haddish
I feel like my teeth. Okay, I don't know how your teeth is white, man, but my teeth like eating vegetables better than meat. But the way my intestines work, the way that the bacteria set up in my body, the parasites in my body. Likes fried chicken and likes baked chicken. Yeah.

And loves, loves, loves that chicken, that rotisserie when it's all smoky and stuff and it's just spinning and spinning, the. Juice dripping off of it, popping out the side of it. And I just want to lick the skin when it's all, you know, crisp and everything. We know, we know. I don't like blood.

I do like red meat, but mostly. Just beef well done. I don't want it to look like it's on its period at all. If I cut into it and anything pink come out, I don't want it. You're out.

I'm done. I don't even want to eat it. I'm going to eat around all the burn parts. I like my meat horse hard and not red. Should we let people in on what has happened?

Dax Shepard
I think they might have been able to reverse engineer what happened, but poor Tiffany was en route to the attic and got into an accident and was spun around violently. And we don't know one another despite you think might have met at an NFL event. But putting that aside, I don't think we know each other. I said, I'll come pick you up. I think we actually met.

Tiffany Haddish
I wanted to say, but then I don't want to hurt your feelings, but I think we was in jail together. Okay, well, that's a lot more likely than us being at an Annabelle. I don't think I seen you, or I really want to say I seen you at this dope dealer's house that I used to date, but I don't know. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. That's probably true.

Dax Shepard
That also is true. That's what I really want to say. But I didn't want to put you on blast, but since you said you was an addict, I said, fuck it. Oh, yeah, we go full. Listen, you know where we may have met, actually.

Is that a Casa event? Have you been to Casa? Yes, that's. That's where it's at. I hosted the Casa banquet maybe five.

Tiffany Haddish
Years in a row, and I performed at it. Yes. It was in the beginning, right? When girl strip took off. Yep.

Dax Shepard
And you told your story. Mm hmm. That's what was weird. That actually solves everything, because going into researching you, I don't know your story, but for some reason, I knew it. Why do I know she was in foster care and ship.

So I think it was the Casa event. It was the Casa event. Very different from an NFL event. You just in the mouth. Yes, we did.

I said, please don't tell my wife. And you said, I will never tell anyone until I'm on your podcast. And I kissed your wife in the mouth. Yeah. And we saved so many foster cares, so many lives.

Okay, so you were in a car accident. I went and picked you up. There was an incredibly handsome guy, Justin, helping. When you show up at an accident like I just did, there's so many people around, and I'm trying to figure out, who's she with? Was she in the car with anyone?

Tiffany Haddish
I was by myself. Who's this handsome guy? There's some fans. It's a different experience when you're famous and you get in a car accident. I was trying to decide if I was gonna act like I was fucked up for them.

Yeah. When the car spun around, I was sitting there, I was trembling a little bit, and I was like, where did my phone go? Cause it flew out of the holder and it hit me in the arm and a leg. And I was like, where's the phone? And then I picked the phone up off the floor, and then I was like, let me try to get the car out of the middle of the road.

And thank God nobody was coming from the other direction. Yeah. Cause you got knocked into oncoming traffic. And thankfully, there was no traffic. And so I tried to push the car over.

It did not wanna go. I was like, come on. Come on, tiffnicity. You can do it. Get over there to the side of the road, girl.

And I pushed over you, kid.

Dax Shepard
It fought. There was a big, long rubber mark where you had driven it down the road with three wheels. And if you paid attention, you could see the spin in the middle. And I didn't step on the brake either. Cause, you know, they said, don't pound.

Monica Padman
On the brake during a crash. Take your feet off. You had the wherewithal during that to go, like, I wanna break, but I'm not gonna break. I find that hard to believe. You think I broke?

Tiffany Haddish
I'm telling you, I had taken enough race car classes. I went like this. Feet all the way up. Ah, shit. They hit me.

Dax Shepard
Drunk drivers always live. Cause they're loose.

Okay, so you had a moment, though, where you were thinking about acting super injured. Yeah. Yeah. So my first thought was, jump out this car, cuss these motherfuckers out. Right?

Tiffany Haddish
That was my first thought. You motherfuckers. You didn't hear me honking at you? How do you stop? That's what I wanted to do.

Then I was like, fuck, you're famous. Do not behave that way. That's inappropriate. And then I see the guy get out the car, and he's walking towards me, and he's like, are you okay? He's like, ah, shit.

I hit my favorite person, and I'm holding the phone. I'm like, who do I call first? Who do I call first? And I'm trembling, and I'm like, did I fuck this guy before? Do I know him?

Dax Shepard
Okay. And I'm, like, trembling. I'm looking at him walking up, and I'm like, maybe I bought weed from him back in the day. You're forgetting that he knows you from television. I'm just wondering, do I know him?

Monica Padman
Okay, all right. And he kept saying, are you all right? Are you good? And I rolled the window down, and I said, I guess maybe that's good. Non committal.

Dax Shepard
Now you can go either way. I'm trembling, though, so I'm like, okay, trembling is good. You're releasing trauma. And I'm like, should I get out of this car limping? Do I even want a limp?

Tiffany Haddish
Tiffany, your ass do hurt. Cause you've been doing all them bar classes. You've been really working on booty muscles. Or punishing them, really? Yeah, well, I'm just building them.

I'm trying to melt the cellulite and the fascia, and I'm like, do you want to do this? And then I'm like, no. Always operate out of honesty and truth. It's a lot of adrenaline, rushing. You don't know how you gonna feel in 3 hours.

Cause I dead bugged. I, like, let everything go. I sat there for a minute, and then a dude walked up. The handsome guy, Justin. Very handsome.

And I'm like, I know I know him. I just don't know why I know him. And then he walks over to the window, he goes, you okay, Tiffany? Right? And I was like, yes.

I called my sister first. You gonna have to let the PR people know. You're gonna have to let this person know. You're gonna have to let that person know. She's like, ah, shit.

I'm coming to get you. Where you at? And then I was like, you gotta call this. She's like, I'm gonna call this person first. And I'm like, oh, shoot.

Okay. She's like, but are you alive? I'm like, I called you. I think I'm fine so far. I feel pretty.

And then he's like, do you need a ride? I'll take you. And I was like, why do I know your face? I do know you. And he was like, from the comedy store.

And I was like, bet, that's exactly where I know you from. And I was like, oh. And I done hit on you a few times, so I apologize. Okay. Right, right.

Dax Shepard
Again, he was inordinately handsome to be helping on this. It seemed like it was cast in a movie. It's a meet cute. It's really cute. Also, he was in tremendous shape.

The first thing I said to him as I walked up was, boy, you're handsome and what shape you're in. And he's 52. He's 50. Did you miss all that? Yeah, I missed all of that when I saw him.

Tiffany Haddish
I did gush a little bit, and not from my face or anything. Like, little blood came out and my ovaries turned, and I'm not about to. It started. Oh, it happened. It started this morning, and I woke up in the blood.

I woke up in the blood this morning, and then I got out and I walked around to see the damage, and I was just looking. I said, damn, you fucked my shit up. And the guy goes, but are you okay? And then I turned around and looked into the bushes and said, why every time on my period, always some bullshit happen on day one. The fuck on day one.

Monica Padman
I know. The devil is too busy. Take your vacation. And then I turned around and looked back at the guy and say, it's just a car. Are you okay?

Dax Shepard
Right? You got your senses. That's nice. Yeah. You let off a little steam.

Monica Padman
There's a lot of hurdles to get to a nice place. Cause this was 2003. If it was 1998, I might have pulled a bat out and be like, I'm a fuck yo ass up. Fucking up my car that Tyler Perry gave me. But I didn't do that.

Dax Shepard
Yeah, you wouldn't have had insurance. You would have had a whole host of other problems. In 90, in 98. In the Geo Metro, I had insurance. Oh, my shit was constantly uninsured.

Tiffany Haddish
Oh, no. My shit was insured. It was always dollars. It was a 1995 Geo Metro. That shit was not that expensive.

Dax Shepard
I had a metro as well. So dependable. Do you at all regret letting it go? I feel like you should have kept it just so you could look at it every now and then. I know where it's at.

Tiffany Haddish
It don't care. Can we get it? We could get it. I'm being sincere. Cause I let my Honda Civic go.

Dax Shepard
That little car got me everywhere. And I was broke. And I'm like, I need to bring that little guy up. I had over a million miles on it. No, you should have been in a.

Tiffany Haddish
Commercial with her over a million miles. God bless the jesus. This is like a million five. We gotta get that car. I know exactly where it's at.

Dax Shepard
Every now and then you should go out and sit in it and then, like, really internalize where you're at. I should sit in it and cry? It used to be my cry space. After you already made it? Mm hmm.

Over what? Generally any old thing or the same thing. Usually the first day of my period. Usually first day of my period. Something crazy happens.

We caught you on a hell of a day. Yeah, you did start two more days, but I guess that eclipse fucked my shit up. Oh, yeah. It messes everyone's periods up. Are you a water sign?

Tiffany Haddish
No, I'm a fire sign. Oh, I can see that. What does that mean? Oh, I know your birthday. You're December 3.

Uh huh. 1900. And none of your fucking bitches. 79. I'm 75 now.

Dax Shepard
Listen, what's really ironic is really, within that car accident, everything I've learned about you today is that play one is like when I go on a 711 and shit's going off. I love when there's, like, two crazy people screaming at each other. Maybe the guy's gonna come from around the corner, or maybe I'm gonna be in the middle of it. I'm like an arousal junkie from the trauma. I'm good in these situations.

And so you're in this chaotic situation, but you're like, oh, yeah, take my foot off the break. I feel this way. The shaking's gonna pass. Like, part of it is you're trained for this. Some other people will be, like, screaming, losing their mind.

They wouldn't be on the phone. It'd take them 35 minutes to get their shit together. And you're kind of rolling through it. It's telling y'all, I been through a lot of shit. Do you find that you're pretty calm when shit's going sideways?

Tiffany Haddish
Yeah, from what I remember from therapy and all the classes I've taken over the years, you're not supposed to react to things. You respond. First sign of mental illness is when you react to situations as opposed to responding to them. Right. You hopping out of the car, screaming would be a reaction.

And that's a mental illness. Yeah. And that would have been my very first desire to get out and defend myself, basically. Yeah. But he didn't jump out of the car, coming at me aggressively.

They didn't, like, try to pull off and leave. But you were doing your thing and another human being that you have no control over changed the course of your day. And for me, it means more than just that thing. It's back to the million times I thought I was just doing my day and other motherfuckers changed the course of my day. So it goes straight back to a feeling that's not even a car accident.

Right? Is the side of my face swollen right now? No. Do you feel it? Do you feel it a good way?

Dax Shepard
Can I tell you what you're gonna feel tomorrow? It's not gonna be your butt or your back. It hurts. It does. Maybe the phone hit my face, too.

Monica Padman
Holy shit. Do you want ice? We could get you some. Do you want to go home? No, I'll drive you home.

Tiffany Haddish
No. Cause I'm just gonna sit around and cry. Okay, well, then stay here. But you know what's gonna hurt tomorrow, which doesn't hurt at all. Right?

Dax Shepard
Now, I've been with you now for 45 minutes, and you've listed a bunch of different things. You're back hurt. But then that might be your period. You decided? Yeah, I decided.

Tiffany Haddish
That's my cycle. Tomorrow morning, you're gonna go, oh, my neck is sore because you got hit from the side and you spun. What really happened that you have no memory of it is your head went like that. This is. No way it didn't.

And maybe my head hit my shoulder really hard. Could have happened. Yeah. I think Rob's probably going to get you ice. Oh, okay.

Cause the side of my face hurts. Let's get to this right now. It sucks. It's throbbing. Do you hate the idea of someone getting you ice a little bit.

When you said, he's gonna get you ice, I kind of was like, no, I didn't wanna say, like, don't do that. But you know what? I probably need it. Yeah, that's another hurdle. One of my things I wrote down.

You figured it out. Well, I don't like people doing shit for me. I hate surprises. Also, you don't want to be pitied. No, I hate that this is the.

Dax Shepard
Sentence I read where I was like, okay, I know you. You had an 8th miscarriage, and you didn't want to tell any of your friends because you didn't want them calling you. Are you okay? Are you okay? Are you okay?

Now, there's two versions of that. One is you just hate being pitied. My thing is I have to be indomitable and strong as fuck if I'm not. And people don't think that about me at all. Time they're going to try to take advantage of me.

Tiffany Haddish
People gonna try to take advantage of you regardless. That's not it. But if someone was to feel bad for you, what would that mean? That I can't heal? That you're weak?

No, I don't want to even say that word. Why you say that word? That's what I'm saying. It's not true. It doesn't.

I know. It doesn't mean I'm weak. But they treat you that way. Do you have a charger in here? Just in case my phone dies at someone?

Monica Padman
Oh, yeah, yeah. That'll be another thing. We'll send Rob. Yeah, we'll send him a dis. He's gonna be busy.

Dax Shepard
We've all been busy. I've never picked a guest up. This is kind of fun. It was neat. And I'm not going home in an Uber.

Tiffany Haddish
Cause they kidnapped people. I'll take you home. Okay, cool. Thanks. Some fried chicken.

Monica Padman
Chicken. I mean, if it's Popeye, we'll hit Langer's. You called on your own, which I do want to tell people because most people in your situation who are famous, who get in a car accident are coming to a podcast. One would probably just forget the podcast. Who cares?

Second group would tell their publicist, hey, I got in a car accident. I obviously can't go to this thing. Tell them you called yourself. Because I knew they wouldn't call you guys. But that's so nice.

Tiffany Haddish
Did anybody call you guys? You did, but I do think the assistant texted or called or something. But also, you called. You said specifically, hey, I got in this car accident, and I'll still do it. And I was overhearing this, like, are you kidding me?

I'm not bleeding. I'm not broken. I can still talk and communicate. And if something happens, if I do have a concussion or I do have, like, internal bleeding going on besides my regular, normal bleeding, can you get me a charger as well, love? Thank you so much.

IPhone. Yes. Thank you. Well, there's two different kind of charge ones. You have the newest one with the new charger thing, or the conventional.

Conventional. Here, you can take the whole thing. It's a little heavy. It's for weightlifting. It's to build my booty.

Dax Shepard
I do squats with that phone. Oh, that feels so good right now. Maybe it did hit your face. It seems like you did. Okay, we shouldn't eat meat.

Monica Padman
Okay. If you had a concussion, we would be here to then take you to the hospital, I guess. Oh, my God, I hate going to the hospital. Yeah, can you just do hospital stuff here? Dax would love to perform surgeries.

Dax Shepard
We gotta start with just a general physical to assess where you're at. No pap smears, putting a finger in my booty. Where were we at before he handed me to ice cream? I was talking about how much I hate if anyone thinks I'm weak. If you assess me as weak, then you'll be confident enough to try to take advantage of me.

Tiffany Haddish
But people try to take advantage anyways. Prey on people that they think are vulnerable. Is that why you're so muscular and buff? Yeah. You even walk, your posture is like donkey Kong.

Punch you in the head. Yeah, that's all from that. That's stepdads that were violent and boys that were violent and all that stuff. And I'm sending a message to the world. The tattoos, everything's transparent.

Dax Shepard
Move on to someone else. There's an easier target. Yeah. This is not the one. That's all I need you to know.

I'll fight back. There's someone else that won't pick them. I'll fight back, too, and I'll enjoy it. That's the problem. That's what I'm working on.

We would be the worst couple of all time. Let me tell you something about men in relationships. I do not argue with men. Now, I may say some smart ass shit that's gonna piss you off, but I will not yell and scream with you if you're yelling at two people. Two people in a relationship, neither can be soft, weak, and vulnerable.

That's a recipe for one. Has to be. And I will be. But I will say the slickest, most fucked up shit that's gonna hit your soul, and it's gonna hit you on the inside. Two days later, you'll be like, oh, fuck.

I just heard what she said. Yeah, I didn't do the math. That was evil. She penetrated my spirit with that one. What's the longest you've been with a guy?

Tiffany Haddish
Five years. Well, you were married. Was that your longest? I guess, yeah. Do fuck buddies count?

Dax Shepard
No. No. Okay, five years. And that's with the ex husband? Yeah.

Since then. What's the longest two years? Do you have a pattern that you've noticed that generally spells the end? Yeah, usually at the nine month mark. Do you start losing interest at the nine month mark?

Tiffany Haddish
Mm hmm. Especially if he's never taken me anywhere. No trips, no nothing. Cause I don't like surprises. I'm not super big on gifts, but I like adventure, so that's quality time.

I like touch. I like super groping and shit, but a nice pat on the back. You wanna connect physically with the person you love. Look at my eyes when you're talking to me. Let me know that you hear me.

I like kind words. I'm easy. Cheap as fuck. You cook a meal, I cook a meal. Maybe you don't cook at all.

You cut up some onions for me or something? I think that's so fucking awesome. Wash my car. I'm wet. I think that's super romantic.

He washed the dishes. Clean up something. Ugh. Acts of service. Fix something for me.

I'm sucking your dick. Simple. That's a good playbook for any dude who wants to take Tiffany out. That's right. Acts of service, man.

That's hot. So acts of service is interesting. That's what my wife's love language is. It's a lot of women's love language. Yeah.

Dax Shepard
I think that they want to receive that. I'm verbal affirmation. I want to hear good words. I want to be told that you like me too much, probably. And my wife's a genius because she's figured out to just give me just a hair less than I want.

And then I've been intrigued for 17 years. So are you an arousal junkie? My therapist said to me once. Cause I was also reading your history with antidepressants, and it was virtually identical to what I experienced. You have vaginal dryness.

Monica Padman
That is a common sense. I couldn't even get a.

Dax Shepard
Yeah, yeah. Did you see Dune? It was shot in my pussy when I was on Paxil. I made a ton of money on location rental. Hilarious.

But what I felt, and I learned the term of while I was on it was blunting or bunting. Whereas, like, I was sitting on a river in North Carolina that I have sat at many, many times, and I know how it's supposed to smell and I know how it's supposed to feel. And I'm like, where'd it all go? And then I went off of it a couple years ago. And my current therapist, he's like, yeah, that makes total sense.

You are an arousal person. You like smells and sounds and excitement and thrills, and that's what keeps you alive. Hi. I like what I see. Kind of like a little chaos.

Tiffany Haddish
My bedroom proves that it's a mess. So many things, so many knickknacks, so many clothes. I love clothes. Me too. I hate hanging them.

Like, if a man came into my life and said, I'm going to fold your clothes and put them away for you, I'm sucking his dick straight up. Yeah. While he's folding. Look at you. Made this space on the bed for you.

This is your space, and I'm gonna suck your dick for that. Cause I will wash the clothes. But you don't wanna hang clothes in a basket. I will pour them on a guest bed. Or I'll pour them on my bed first.

And then I like to snuggle up to them. They smell so good. Warm. Yeah, I warm and stuff. And I'll take a nap in them.

Dax Shepard
Roll around in them like a kitten. I do roll around in the pan. Then I will fold them eventually. They're like your babies. And put them in their space.

Tiffany Haddish
And then I never put them away. Yeah. I just start getting dressed right from the bed. Monica's got a very similar relationship with her. And she loves clothes, and she buys so many clothes.

Monica Padman
I love clothes. I do also just throw them all over the place. But it's interesting. Cause I was just talking to my friend about this, who has a very chaotic mind. She is all over the place.

She has ADhd, and her space is very clean, which I found shocking. Cause my brain is very organized. It reversed. Counterintuitive. Yes.

It was almost like I can live in a messy space because it won't overwhelm you. It won't overwhelm me. And hers is the opposite. I relate to her. I have anxiety from how much shit is crooked and out of place.

It doesn't bother me. I feel comfortable in clutter a little bit. I feel snuggly. Cozy. Yeah, cozy.

Dax Shepard
We got it. That is it. Comfort in the chaos. And I'm also always single. And I do wonder if it is a little bit that where it's lived in.

Tiffany Haddish
Look, let me tell you something. A man hasn't been in my bedroom since 2017, okay? A man hasn't been in my bed. The bed that I like to sleep in since 2017. I will fuck them in the guest room, on the couch, in the kitchen, on a loveseat.

Dax Shepard
You're not letting anyone into that space unless they're. This is my space. It's my den. I get so mad when something breaks in the bathroom. I'm like, let me figure out how to fix it myself.

Tiffany Haddish
And if I can't fix it myself, then I'm like, okay, let me organize my room. Let me clean my room and have the plumber come in, fix this bathroom, and then get the fuck out of here. And I'm like, messing shit up immediately. It's your nest. Yeah, my nest.

Dax Shepard
Can we start at the beginning a little bit. Yeah. Born in south central, but moved out to San Bernardino county. What age? When I was six or seven.

Okay, there's a lot of parallels. Geo, Metro, SMC. So dad leaves at three. By the way, he's from a country I'd never heard of. And I think I know geography.

Tiffany Haddish
Eritrea, right next to Ethiopia. Have you ever heard of Eritrea? No, but I'm not very good at geography. I was like, there can't be a country I'd never heard the name of until today. It's only 32 years old now, I think maybe.

Oh, wow. Okay, so that helps. It was part of Ethiopia. How did mom meet him? She was banking at Founders bank, Buckingham and Martin Luther King.

He was working at the gas station across the street. He was sitting on a bus stop. She thought he was a guy that she had met at a convention and told him to get in the car. She's like, I'll give you a ride. I know you from the convention.

What are you doing on the bus stop? Get in the car. Where are you going? Get in the car. Get in the car.

He gets in the car. I thought he was about to get molested. And then he starts talking. She's like, wait a minute. You're not who I thought you were.

Dax Shepard
Cause he has a thick accent. Yeah, and he had a shirt on that said Michael. And the guy that she met, his name was Michael. Michael's not his actual name. That was the shirt they had at the gas station.

So how long were they together? For about four years. Within six months of them meeting, she was pregnant with me. He was fertile? Well, they were both.

Tiffany Haddish
But she lost her virginity to him. Oh, she did? How old was she? That's what she say. Sure.

21. Nope. Well, now, maybe she was a witness. And she said she only was with him. And then my stepdad are the only two men she's ever been with.

We try to catch her slipping up, like, get her to tell the story. Those are the only two men she talks about. So he leaves. Do we know why? Yeah.

Cause he was selling green cards illegally, and he was on the run ever since. For like, 27 years. Until he was found for your wedding. So my ex husband. So I met him on a cruise, and I thought he was too old for me.

And kinda gross from the telephone conversations, right? And then I had changed my number. Cut to years go by, and I'm on who's got jokes? He sees me on who's got jokes? And he starts looking for me.

He finds my number. He finds me. He's a private investigator, so he can find anybody. Oh, cool. Wow.

He calls me. I remember who he is. I'm like, dang, if you could find me, maybe you could find my daddy. Cause I had been looking, and that's what we bonded over on the boat. He's telling me he's a private investigator.

And I was like, let's just change numbers so you can find my dad. But he never found my dad back then. And then on the first phone conversation, I was like, if you could find my dad, I'll give you whatever you want. And I'm thinking, like, I'll go on a few dates with him, maybe give him a little ass, you know, just whatever. Sure.

Dax Shepard
Little something. Couple hundred dollars, whatever. Yeah, whatever it takes. And so then he said, well, if I find your dad, I want you to marry me. I laugh super hard and said, sure, okay, whatever.

Uh oh. You're not gonna find him. Cause I ain't found him all this time. And then over the course of three weeks, he was getting in my head. I was 26 at the time.

Tiffany Haddish
I was young, dumb. How old was he? 38. He was running game on me, but I was falling in by the time we hit the three week mark. I'm in love, you know, this man is in my brain.

Once he felt confident in that, then he had my dad call me. Wow, that's a move. There was a dude that knew my dad that called me and talked to me first. And then that dude gave my dad the phone number. And then my dad called me.

Dax Shepard
Did you have a lot of resentment? I wanted to resent him so bad. I was playing when I first see him. I'm gonna kick him in the balls. Why you didn't take care of me?

Tiffany Haddish
Why would you abandon me? Every man in my life has abandoned me and left me. I got this fucking pattern you gave me now. I wanted to be so mean to him, but as soon as I heard his voice, it was like my whole soul knew. All that went away.

And I was just so happy to hear his voice. The little girl in me is like, daddy, daddy, daddy, daddy. It felt so good. That was a good height. My soul was like, okay, we can.

This is good. Isn't it fucking wild how we're linked like that? Because we're half of them and it's just what it is. Yeah. Biology.

And a part of me didn't want it to be true. Cause I had this fantasy of who he was and what he was and what he was doing. And the fantasy's always better than the real life. You had 23 years to work up some stories. Mm hmm.

Dax Shepard
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Now, for me, growing up without a dad in the house and around, I was really susceptible to masculinity. That was the hole that it left for me. What is it for a girl? I didn't know how to be around men. I didn't know how to treat men.

Tiffany Haddish
I didn't know how to really communicate with them. Were you easily duped by them? Always duped. But also, I hung around a lot of boys, tomboyish and all this stuff and taken advantage of a lot, manipulated a lot. But I was okay with that.

Cause I feel like, oh, I'm learning something. Yeah. You have such a positive spin on everything. I'm learning things. I know next time that ain't gonna happen.

And then it might happen again, but in a different way. Maybe I see the flags. I know this is gonna happen, but he's kinda fine. Fuck it. Yeah.

Dax Shepard
I've already dealt with the fallout of this before, and I live. I'm gonna be hurt over it. It's gonna be exciting. It'll be a story to tell. You go to San Bernardino county?

Tiffany Haddish
Yeah. We moved to Pomona first, and then we moved to Colton. You already had the stepdad or mom met the stepdad the other day. I already had the stepdad and a little brother. By the time we moved to Colton and my other sister was born, they.

Dax Shepard
End up having four children together, two boys and two girls. Mm hmm. And what do you think about him? I think he's damaged. He went through a lot, probably growing up.

Tiffany Haddish
I don't know everything that he went through, but I think he wanted to be a good person. I think he wants to do good things. Did he have addiction stuff? Yeah. And that's none of my damn business.

Dax Shepard
I only ask about him because mom gets in a really bad car accident. You said at one point you're under the belief he cut her brakes. You're being very generous about how much you like this guy, but you're being compassionate. I didn't say I liked them. No, I didn't say I liked them.

You did not say that. I don't hate them either. I think people do things or say things because they're going through something and they think it's gonna be a great idea. It ain't necessarily gonna be that. And when I sit back and look at it all, would my life have been better if that didn't happen?

Tiffany Haddish
Maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I'd be the most unhappy bitch with dysfunctional parents. I still got dysfunctional parents, but they're dysfunctional. Created my greatness.

I do believe that we get to choose who we born to. And maybe I'm wrong, but I like to believe in this fantasy. Cause I think everybody has a purpose. Even if you're here for one day, there's some reason that you gotta come in and do whatever you're supposed to do and get out, and you can change your purpose and all that. And I feel like I would never have fulfilled all the things I fulfilled up to this point, and been the influence that I've been, helped others the way I've helped them.

Had I not had those three major players around me, if I didn't come through, my actual biological father and my biological mother. And has she not been with him? Who knows? She was very good with money, very smart businesswoman, so charming, so everything. And I love her very much, but I don't know what came back out of that accident.

Dax Shepard
She changed radically after that. Yeah, and it was scary. She was diagnosed with schizophrenia. But you also feel like it's kind of CtE. That's what I feel like it is.

But when she came out of that accident, she had a radical kind of shift in her personality, and she got really kind of dangerous to be around. Very dangerous to be around. I just want to say one thing. Cause I really feel like you do, by the way, which is I love my life so much, and I'm so happy with it, that I would never fuck with anything that happened. Get even molested, I'll keep it.

Cause I love where I landed. I don't want one of the things to have been not there, but I also can look at it and go, WHOOP. That was wild. I can have both. I can have judgment over it and gratitude for it.

Tiffany Haddish
I don't know if I'm at the place where I wouldn't have made adjustments. I wish I had the guidance to maybe not fall into some of the things that I fell into, to know how to let go of things. I think my room is evident of me not letting go of things, or not letting go of certain emotions or feelings for people. And I'm trying to apply this rule that I learned in home economics. When in doubt, throw it out.

I'm so good with food, and I'm getting better now with relationships, and I'm still working on my clothes and certain knickknacks. I don't have no doubts about that. I like this shit. This mine. You went into foster care at 13.

Dax Shepard
So, like, everything that you had that you define yourself by that gives you comfort. You got a clean slate at 13 of. You've got now nothing to represent who you are. So fucking a. You want your shit, and it means a lot to you.

Cause you have it now, and you've lost it before. Your life disappeared once, so, of course, yeah, that's okay. But I would like to clear my space. You can do it slowly. And then I put more shit in there.

What you would have to believe. And this is this thing I'm trying to do. I'm trying to get to a place where, like, no one's coming for me. No one's gonna try to victimize me. I have got to accept where I'm really at.

And so I feel like what would be similar is, like, no one's ever gonna take your shit. Which is hard to believe, isn't it? Man, somebody stole all the pennies and dollars and money I had in my hello kitty piggy bank. I felt like they had snatched a piece of my spirit. And it had to be somebody I know.

Tiffany Haddish
And I felt so violated. And it could have been three people. It could have been my dad. It could be the bitch that I let stay in my house with her daughter. So it could have been her daughter, so four people.

Or it could have been my boyfriend. At the time, but this was as an adult. This is as an adult. And I think it was my boyfriend at the time. Cause he also stole my vacuum cleaner.

He mailed my vacuum cleaner to his house. Who does that? Yeah, that's stealing the emotion behind it. Cause I got a hunch he didn't love vacuuming. I don't know.

Monica Padman
What if he loved vacuuming? Did you notice he loved vacuuming? No. I had went on instagram and said, man, I would love this vacuum cleaner. And somebody sent me one of the vacuum cleaners.

Tiffany Haddish
And then one of my homegirls bought me the vacuum cleaner, too. And he could have just asked me for it. I would have gave it to him. But I was thinking, oh, I'll give this to my mom and my sister. This other one.

Then we'll have twin vacuum cleaners, matching bathrooms. Motherfucker stole it, sent it to himself. And then the hello kitty bank wasn't, like, somewhere out in the open. It was in a box under some wigs in the back of a closet. So whoever did it had time.

And they was digging. And I know he be digging. Cause he was going through old text messages on the iPad. He was controlling and jealous. Yeah, it's fucking weird.

And couldn't fix shit. I had to put my own damn bidet in. Oh, my. That's a good skill. You can't put this bidet in for me.

Monica Padman
He's too busy vacuuming. Yeah, he just loved it. He didn't vacuum me. Washed no dishes, didn't help pay a light bill or nothing. I'm like, go back to your house.

Tiffany Haddish
You're not even helping pay a bill. Where's the service? Eating my ass is not gonna be enough. It's something, but it's not enough. It's not enough.

Anybody will do that. You're in foster for two years ish. Yeah. What's the darkest period? Is it being with mom and seeing this person you don't recognize anymore?

That's the most fear? Is going to live with grandma a sweet spot at all? It was. But it was also scary, too. Cause mom had more access.

A lot of fights and stuff. Cause I didn't know how to deal with her. She didn't know how to deal with me. And then I'm a teenager at this point, and I'm like, you know, feeling myself and I'm taking care of my sisters and brothers really good and being helpful to my grandma. So there were some issues.

Dax Shepard
Was Woodland Hills an adjustment? What's the vibe in Woodland Hills at that time? It was very valid. Even the Latinos, I feel like they were trying not to be latino. Everybody was trying to be what they saw, Nickelodeon.

Tiffany Haddish
But then there was this small group of, like, black kids that were like, fuck that shit. Crip blip. Very small group of black kids like that. I mean, very small. Maybe five, but the whole school was maybe 3% black.

And my whole thing was, I'm gonna make friends with everybody and get people to help me do my homework and help me get through this shit. Cause I'm not smart enough to get through. I'm dumb. I'm dumb. What an ironic thing to say.

Dax Shepard
But you've already figured out you can regulate mom by being funny. Yeah. You can diffuse things. You can let the tension out. It becomes a really useful skill for survival.

Tiffany Haddish
It is a tool to survive a shield, if you will. Yeah. And you become the mascot of the school. So you're class clowny. Yep.

Monica Padman
Well, no wonder you're addicted to laughter. It's safe if it literally was there for survival. You don't see a lot of people beating somebody and laughing at the same time. They gotta be really, really psychotic. Super psychic.

Dax Shepard
Yeah, if they got a hard on in their laugh. Raging boner. The Texas chain is more of a cackle, maniacal laugh. Yeah. Yeah.

Tiffany Haddish
Beating and laughing. That's not. Someone saying pure evil is laughing and hitting you at the same time. Most people are not evil. Right?

Most of the time when they hit. You, it's, yes, I'm swearing. Listen to me when I tell you to do this thing. Yeah, they do. They start punctuating their movements to their sentence.

Dax Shepard
Yeah, you're right. And you're also dyslexic. And obviously your life is so fucking busy with the four kids, the trying to modulate mother, you're in and out of places, so clearly you didn't get any help, I'm guessing. I think I was super late at fifth grade. I learned to read in fifth grade, finally.

But you were in high school and you really still can't read. I'm, like, on a second or third grade level of reading, and I'm just looking at the shape of words and guessing what they are. I felt stupid. I just knew I was stupid. It's so fucking crazy talking to you that you could convince yourself of that.

Tiffany Haddish
But everybody would say it. You so stupid, girl. You stupid as hell. You gotta be the stupidest motherfucker I know. Damn, you dumb.

Dax Shepard
And you're so fast, it's crazy. You're actually brilliant. Thank you. The notion that this little girl would not know she's brilliant is like a fucking travis. But everybody is like, that's why you gotta be careful how you talk to kids.

Tiffany Haddish
They're listening, and you help paint their world. And I didn't realize that their stupid was saying I was funny. Right? That word is used to be funny, too. In fact, black folks use it a ton.

Dax Shepard
When I make black girls laugh, they always call me stupid. Stupid. Yes. Damn, you dumb as hell. Yes.

Tiffany Haddish
You dumb than a motherfucker. Yes, I am dumb. Cause you were already thinking that. Or in your head, you're like, I can't even read. Yeah, I hate to feel confused.

Dax Shepard
It's scary, right? That fucking feeling. My sister's like, you are just a control freak. I'm not a control freak. I just don't want to feel confused.

Tiffany Haddish
Cause I don't like surprises. Cause you're trying to confuse me. And then I'm gonna get all like. And then they're gonna pull the rug out. The shoe's gonna drop.

I hate that shit. So you start doing comedy at 1716. Okay. 16 or 17, you go to the laugh. You have to be 17.

Dax Shepard
You go to the laugh factory. You got like, a counselor, social worker. Yeah, let's not dress it up. It's not counselor. It's a social worker.

Monica Padman
Yeah, counselor is something completely separate. I ended up getting in that court order just after. But basically, he or she gives you a choice. Go to the laugh factory. This is why.

Dax Shepard
I mean, again, when you look back at your stories, like, some of these things are impossible, that someone would have said that to you. No, she gave me a choice. Do you have gratitude for this woman? Yeah, great gratitude. I ended up calling her and thanking her, and she's like, I just remember you being the nicest, sweetest little girl, and you kind of knew what you wanted to do, and you always made your way to go do it.

Tiffany Haddish
We would tell you no, and you would figure out a way to make it happen. I wanted to go to hell middle school. And they were like, no, you gotta go to this school. And I'm like, no, I'm going to hell middle school. I would catch the RTd.

At the time, it was an RTD back in the day, the public translate would take 3 hours to get there. I did not care. I'm going to this school. And the police kept coming to get me and stuff. Or the social worker come and get me.

Like, you delinquent, you gotta go to this school. And then I went in front of the judge, said, this is the school I wanna go to. And this is why. And he's like, hey, let her go to that school. Why does everyone care?

Most of these kids don't even wanna go to school. Whatever school you wanna go to, you can go to that school. We're happy you wanna go to school. Cause you can't read. I don't know what you're gonna do there.

I have fun getting people to read to me. And I've exercised my memory skills and communication skills. Do you have a great memory? Pretty good. But it feels like once I started to really read, it started going down.

It dwindled away. My theory on is most dyslexics I know have a really, really good memory for oral stuff. So, like, anything I've heard, because that's the only way you were gonna get the info yeah, you tell me a story. Like if I run to you in twelve years, I will remember most of this story. Same here.

I love audiobooks. I love taking newspaper articles and dropping it in speechify. I used to have that thing, remember back in the early two thousands where they had that pen that you could graze across the words and it would speak in a robot voice and speak it out loud to you? No, I never had that. You didn't have that?

I saved my money up to get that. It was $56 and I got that bitch. And I would scan it across words and it would say their stuff out loud and it made it easier for me to remember. Just hearing other people say something is just way easier for me than reading it. That's why I did good in college.

Dax Shepard
Cause mostly the professor tells you everything. Ultimately, you gotta know. And I would just remember everything they said out loud. When they speak, do you like, look at their mouth, look at how they move their body when they say certain words? Little tics.

Tiffany Haddish
They do. And then I can memorize all that stuff. That's interesting. And then I could copy them later too. What year were you at SMC?

It was 98. 99. I was there in 98. And then I went to UCLA in 99 and 2000. We might have been wandering the campus.

Were you in the drama class? Not at all. I signed up for the theater program immediately. The spanish class. Ooh, I failed that one like so many times, man.

I took Spanish so many damn times. Can't do it. We got like a d or a. C. That's better than I did.

Dax Shepard
I had to go take it at West La college cause I couldn't pass it at SMC. I had to keep dropping it. Like I'd get to that day. We're not gonna pass it. So you start doing stand up and are you immediately comfortable up there?

Tiffany Haddish
Yeah, I felt safest up there. I had already won all these drama festivals. It was the southern California whatever drama competitions. And I had won in monologues already, so I felt extremely comfortable. The safest place, like, nobody can hurt me up here.

There's a whole room full of witnesses if anybody tries to do something. And I felt like the mastermind. Tickling people's souls, getting them to smile, getting them to laugh even if they didn't laugh, just getting them to not make any sound whatsoever. And just look at me. Even if they're just looking like I'm.

Like, they're not doing anything now. Yeah, they're not aggressive. I'm getting attention, I'm getting attention. And it's not negative. It doesn't hurt.

Dax Shepard
And so you have a long run of doing comedy, and you're on every show that was ever made in some period before you end up as a regular. You're on new girl, you're on. My name is Earl. Between stand up and doing the occasional role, were you making a living? I was doing okay.

Tiffany Haddish
I would have some months where it'd be like, oh, shit, I don't know. I'm paying my rent. Let me try to talk to some more comedians. The one thing I did realize, especially in comedy, it's about relationships. If you want to make money in comedy, you need to be cool with other comedians.

Most of my jobs have come from other comics, because comedians evolve into writers, producers, showrunners, directors. They evolve into all these other things, and they also end up becoming promoters, bookers for clubs and different shows and stuff. So having those positive relationships created an opportunity for me to make money. So if my money was getting really, really low, and I'm like, oh, shit, how am I gonna pay my rent in this little car? Note for this raggedy car, my million mile metro.

But I didn't have paid it off anyways. I would call different comics I knew that had rooms and be like, hey, do you need me to perform? Hey, can I open up for you? And a lot of times when I ask to open up for people, they will say, no, you can't open up for me. But I'm gonna call such and such.

You know, I'm like, oh, I ended up in the hospital. I got this crazy medical bill. Insurance isn't covering any of it, so I need help. I don't need you to give me money. Can you tell me where I can get some money?

Call up comedy clubs, constantly asking for spots. You know, send cookies and make some dinner. Bring it up to the bookers. It seems like you have a good relationship with virtually every comedian. When does Kevin Hart enter your life?

Kevin Hart enters my life early, when I was, like, 24. You were, like, living in your car when you guys met? I knew him before, and then I ended up living in my car. Okay, the GM, Metro. Yeah.

And we were doing a comedy playground together at the laugh factory on Wednesday night, and it was like, comedy playground featuring Kevin Hart. And so we were his sidekicks. We'd do these sketches, and we would tell jokes, and then they did this thing. Ask a black woman and tiff tips me on stage by myself. I wanna hear a tiff tip, actually.

Dax Shepard
What was the angle? Dirty nails, dirty d. Get that thing away from me. You don't wanna be Steve. Keep them things away from me.

So the Carmichael show, that's your first series regular role, right? Yes. And does that change your life? That does make a huge adjustment. You know, you're getting these amount of paychecks.

Tiffany Haddish
I was supposed to have this many episodes, and then they dropped down to this many episodes. Like, it might go up a few episodes. That first season was a little dicey. The second season was a lot better. Cause they realized people like this character.

And then the third season, they fell back on using my character as much. And I think that's because I got too expensive. Sure. Oh, sure. But Lil rel, we interviewed him in Toronto, and I liked that dude so much.

That's like my bestie I had. He's such a genuine, sweet soul. And we also interviewed Gerard, which. Which was incredible. That was fun, too.

I love him too. Seventeen's the wildest year of your life. It was a fast year. My dad died that year. Girls trip came out that year.

Dax Shepard
Your book came out that year. My very first comedy special came out that year. It was a lot. Probably like 17 jobs that year. Yeah, I guess that's the year I become aware of you.

I remember being just an immediate, enormous fan of yours. Like, oh, this is a very special force of nature. And she's here now, and this will be fun. Thank you. Yeah.

Monica Padman
You were one of those people where everyone thinks. Thinks not everyone, but a lot of people are like, oh, my gosh, overnight success. Never heard of her. Now she's in 20. I'm sure you've heard that a million times.

It's so crazy how long it takes to get, to quote, overnight success. Yeah. By 2017, you're 38. We left out hosting SNL and winning an Emmy for that. That is a radical fucking.

Tiffany Haddish
I know. And I auditioned for that show three times and didn't get it. And now I know why, and I'm glad. Why didn't you get it? I would have imploded in that environment.

It's a lot of pressure. I don't think I was mentally strong enough. I probably would have figured it out, but at first, I would have fell to some really bad things. I wasn't ready. She was not ready.

She was supposed to be the host. Not the cast, and win an Emmy for it. I mean, my God, that part. Pretty rad, too, to have auditioned, not got it, and then roll in as a host and be the best of the year and get an Emmy. That's also a cool move.

Monica Padman
That's a great story. Yeah, that's a great move. Much better story. And it'd be the first african american female stand up comedian to host. But let me repeat that.

Tiffany Haddish
The very first. Wait, the first african jewish stand up comedian female to host. Hold on, let's go again. Add dyslexic, african american jewish female stand. Up comedian to host.

Wow. It's awesome. Did you experience. Because weirdly for me, when everything came true is when the addiction got the worst and when I was suicidal for the first time in my life, because I had had this story about if I had this and I had that and I had that, I was gonna finally feel good, and I was gonna feel safe, and I was gonna feel optimistic, and we'd be good. And then I got all those things, and I was like, I'm more scared than ever.

Dax Shepard
Why didn't that fix everything? Did you have that moment? My mom was a little different. If there is addiction, which I don't think there is, but I was drinking the most when I was married. Cause I didn't have to be super responsible for myself, like.

Tiffany Haddish
Cause he said, I'm gonna take care. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that. So I'm like, well, fuck it, then. You do it right? I'll be back here tipping.

I feel like that's when I was getting really bad. But once I got to that certain level of success that I'm like, okay, this is past where I want it to be, but this is great. I wasn't sad because I'm where I want to be, or this was not enough. I was sad because my mom can't really enjoy it the way I would like her to enjoy it. My grandma wasn't able to enjoy it the way I would have liked her to enjoy it.

My father is gone, and my friends are acting different. It's gone from us helping each other and being there for each other to give me this. Tiffany. Always hearing problems instead of laughing with each other and enjoying each other like we normally would. It was so funny the first time somebody was like, yeah, Tiffany, I need a little help.

I need some help with some money. I'm like, okay, cool, what you need? And I'm thinking they're gonna say, like, how we've always said to each other, $100, $200, or something. Like, yeah, I'm gonna need, like, $20,000. Oh, my God, $20,000.

What the fuck? I had the exact same moment, and the person said, $56,000. And I go, what the fuck are you talking about? And they're like, oh, I had just gotten myself in all this debt, and I know if I could clear it out this way, I wouldn't have to pay the thing. And I'll pay you back.

Dax Shepard
And I was like, 56. They won't pay you back, though. No, no, they'll never pay you back. And I've developed a policy. At first, my policy was, if you need this money, I will lend you half of the money.

Tiffany Haddish
And if you can pay me back by my birthday, great. If you can't pay me back, I still love you, but you just never can ask me for money again. This is my one time investment. This is a lenient policy. People started resenting me.

They started being really mean and nasty to me. So then my new policy now is, I love you and I really value our friendship. I prefer you to be my actual friend. But if you need this money, then I'll give it to you. But know it's gonna alter this.

Know that we probably won't be friends anymore because I don't want you to resent me. Cause they weirdly resent you. Yeah, because you remind them, too that they owe. Every time they see you, they're getting. Like, new shoes and shit.

And you're like, new cars. I saw you went on vacation. That's cool. That looked fun. Yeah.

And they say they're gonna pay. I'm gonna get the money. And it's like, okay, four years have gone by, bitch. And then they're like, new titties. New this, new that.

Are those my titties? Tummy tuck? Bbls? Is that my ass? Is some of my money on that ass?

Dax Shepard
You were walking around with my ass. Oof. I felt just very disappointed in people already. My expectations was very low for people before then. Cause of all the stuff that happened as a teenager and in my twenties.

Tiffany Haddish
But at that point, I'm holding an expectation for you at the bottom of the barrel, and you just went underneath the fucking barrel. So now I'm like, zero expectation. I expect everyone be a piece of shit at some point, but I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt, but I'm not gonna let you get close enough to be the full piece of shit that you could potentially be. So everyone's sort of at a tiny bit of an arm. Yeah.

You don't think. Personally, I think that's a little. Nah, I kinda like this. I get to look at everybody and I can spend time over here. Spend time over here, but I'm spending time at a distance.

And what I love is I've developed this thing where once a month I have a game night, and I invite all the people that I care about to the game night. And it's so many people that want some of my time, that want to spend one on one time with me and all this stuff, but it's too many people here now. So you get a little bit. You get a little bit. You get five minutes, you get ten, you might get 25.

And we're playing games. And now if you want to ask me for money, you gotta ask me in front of everybody, right? If you wanna ask me for some shit, you gotta ask me in front of everybody. Somebody's liable to come interrupt this conversation if you ask me for some weird ass shit. But then who gets your secrets?

Monica Padman
Your sister? Who do you have in your life who you can just be honest, don't. Keep no fucking secrets. No more fuck seekers. Well, that's also a good policy.

Yeah. Just say it honestly. Well, yeah, I read a thing, so I'm like you in that I'll just say everything, and then I'll get compliments for being honest. But I also know that I don't deserve them so much. What's really happening with me, and I feel like it's the same with you, is I refuse to let anyone shame me.

Tiffany Haddish
I already lived in that after my youth. Right? So I'll just get it out there before you can even try to fucking shame me. Every time I shit my pants, I come in here on the podcast from millions of people. I say, shit my pants.

Dax Shepard
This morning. You did. Not today, but a lot of days. Once a year, I do diarrhea. Yeah, a little bit.

It's never a full evacuation. I've never had a log in my pants. The first time that happened to me was, like, the day after my 21st birthday, and I realized I can't drink brown liquor alcohols. Brown liquor is not good for me. Yes.

Not for your wardrobe. Nope, nope. No. And I was at work, picked up a suitcase again, and I was wearing a thong. Cut the shit.

Tiffany Haddish
And they would not let me go home. I had to rip the lining out of my uniform pants, throw my panties away. Oh, it's so humiliating. Get rid of my socks. Neighbors try to call me doodle girl.

I'm like, what? You didn't call me Dookie girl. I ain't perfect. Ain't nothing wrong with that. You kind of are, though.

No, I'm not. Yeah, you're pretty radical. I've been farting over here the whole time. That's perfect. You're falling in love with me.

That's my love spell. Slowly elixir. Now, when you wrote last black unicorn, also 17, you told your story. Did you think at the time you wrote that book? Like, I'll write this book, and that'll be that?

Dax Shepard
Or did you get a sense that you would also write again, I thought. I'd write that book. And then it was so many pages, I was like, I'm gonna have to do another one. Cause this is too long. I don't like super long books.

Tiffany Haddish
So I took a bunch of stuff out, and I didn't elaborate. So you had a pile of things that you liked and did want to share, but just out of space, you were like, we gotta pare this down. Yeah. And then I put it in this new book that's coming out May 7. I curse you with joy.

Mm hmm. There's a million wonderful stories in it we could talk about. It's not a million. Okay, you're right. That'd be too long.

It'd be way too fucking long. Too much shit. There's probably 25, 30 stories in it. How about that? A perfect amount of stories.

Dax Shepard
How about that? Enough to make a movie.

Stay tuned for more armchair expert, if you dare. We are supported by betterhelp. Listen, I understand that sometimes you want to keep things to yourself, process your emotions in your own time, but if you keep everything bottled up, it can have some serious consequences. I have therapy on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to it.

I had therapy this morning. Yeah, you did. Yeah. And it put me in the greatest mood. We had a long, big day, and I just felt much better for him.

Monica Padman
Not to out you. You were a little grumpy going in. I was. I was. I was to be sovin.

I received some texts. Yeah. I was locked out of my therapy setting, which is this attic. But then you felt much better after. I felt much better, and I even made some apologies.

Dax Shepard
Talking things out can be so helpful. And if you want a safe space for that conversation, I recommend therapy. Check out betterhelp. If you've been thinking of trying therapy, it's entirely online, convenient, and flexible. It's also easy to get started.

Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist. You can even switch therapists at any time for any reason for no additional charge. Get it off your chest with betterhelp. Visit betterhelp.com dax today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelph.

H dash e dash p.com dax hey. It'S Kayleigh Cuoco for priceline. Ready to go to your happy place for a happy price? Well, why didn't you say so? Just download the priceline app right now and save up to 60% on hotels.

Monica Padman
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Tiffany Haddish
Go to your happy price price line. At the UPS store. We know things can get busy this upcoming holiday. You can count on us to be open and ready to help with any packing and shipping or anything else you might need. Is there anything you can't do?

Dax Shepard
Um, actually, I don't have a good singing voice. The up? Nope. But our certified packing experts can pack and ship just about anything. At least that's good.

Monica Padman
The UPS store be unstoppable. Most locations are independently owned. Products, services, pricing and hours of operation may vary. See center for details. Come in today to get your holiday.

Tiffany Haddish
Goodies there on time.

Dax Shepard
So I do want you to tell one of them because my favorite actor of all time, Nic Cage. He's my dude. Tell me your Nic cage story. There's an actual chapter called Nic Cage? Yeah, I probably should have sent that to him before I did it, huh?

No, he'll love it. How could he not love this? I'm jealous of Nic cage when I read that story. So I was 17 and that movie face off came out. I'm in the movie theater with this guy on a date.

Tiffany Haddish
We're making out. He starts spilling around. And you haven't done any of this yet? I have never had an orgasm before. Okay, now here's the finger.

I'm in. Now. I'm enjoying it. You're more romantic in the story. You want me to do it the sexy way I wrote it in a more romantic.

When I tell it to a man, I just make it more, you know. Well, we have a big female. No, I'm a romantic. I tell it to the ladies. Like, if it was just me and her in here, I'd be like, so first, yeah.

Dax Shepard
Think of me as a lady. I like the build up. Okay, so we at the movies. Oh, my God. Nobody else is like an 08:00 movie, is that.

Tiffany Haddish
No, it's like a late night and nobody else was in the theater. And we're in the back of the theater. He knew he was a pro. He is definitely a pro. He's, like three or four years older than me.

Monica Padman
Wow. He's like 21. He can try. Worldly. He can try.

Tiffany Haddish
Oh, he knows how to get a raggedy volkswagen. And we're in there. We're in the theater, and we're watching a movie, and the movie's pretty good. And we start making out. We start kissing.

And then he start feeling all over my body, exploring places and everything, all up under my skirt, rubbing on the outside of my panties. He rubbing. He took his time. And then I'm trying to act like I'm watching a movie, and he kissed me on my neck and stuff. And I'm, like, looking at the movie and everything, looking at him, smelling his ear.

Dax Shepard
Well, he started by licking your ear. No, he was, like, kissing on my neck. Oh, he did lick my ear a little bit. Yes, he did. Oh, you remember that part?

Of course I do. I remember every step of the. It's funny. Cause now I do not want anybody to ever fucking lick my ears. Cause I have been through some other shit after that.

Tiffany Haddish
This is before I was damaged, okay? Before I was destroyed, before the eggs were not cracked yet.

Before I, keloid, squirtle my soul. Ecstasy. So, you know, he's doing all this stuff or whatever to me. And then he's under my skirt, and he's, like, fiddling around in between them lips and everything. And I'm like, oh, my God.

I never felt nothing like this before. And he's like, fiddling a thang thang. And I'm like, oh, my goodness. My eyes are closed. And then I open my eyes, and when I open my eyes, the camera is on Nicolas Cage's eyes.

Dax Shepard
Close up. Close up on his eyes. So it's his eyes, and my eyes are locking in. I am having an orgasm. Your first orgasm?

Not in your life? In my life. You hadn't played with yourself? Fuck, no. No.

Tiffany Haddish
It was the 19 hundreds. What? Pornography was available to me to know how to masturbate. Okay, okay, I have ribs. You had a pillow or.

No. Okay. I'm not a kidney. I've never hunted teddy bear and stuff before, but not to, like, orgasm. Not to the climax.

Just like humping a bear a little bit, like, oh, that tickle's weird with tight jeans. Ooh, that's crazy. But I never had an orgasm before. And you're locked eyes with Nicole, locked. Eyes with Nicolas Cage.

And I'm like, am I peeing? I don't know what's happening right now. I'm not making any noise. I'm just like, I guess I am making noise. My feet are going up.

And he's like, yeah, that's it. That's it, girl. And I'm like, oh, this is so exciting. Holding a fucking stare with Nicolas Cage. And it was like, bam.

So then cut to the unbearable weight of massive talent. And I'm like, oh, my gosh. I'm gonna work with Nicolas Cage. And I'm doing scenes with Nicolas Cage. And you never bumped into him.

Dax Shepard
He's very elusive. Never bumped into him. You gotta pay for it to see him. I guess so. Or you gotta be in karaoke places.

Reptile houses. Yeah, I don't know. You gotta be in a haunted house. So I get to set, and it's COVID. And I've been in lockdown at least for two weeks.

Tiffany Haddish
They've already been filming. I get to set. There's a guy from me, this hot pink leather jacket and all this other. All these patches all over Mister Vegas or whatever. And I'm like, oh, fuck, that's Nicholas Cage.

And we start rehearsing the scene, and he has his mask on. And so it's just the eyes. Isolating just the eyes. And my body is like, yo, those are the eyes. And I'm like, no, no, gross.

No. I have to be professional. Whole conflict going on. And I'm, like, having the hardest time saying my lines. I'm having the hardest time doing anything.

This is incredible. It's like I just learned how to fucking act that morning on the way to sad. Like, it is fucking horrible. They didn't even use any of those scenes in the movie because it was so bad. I'm sure the director's like, why did I hire this bitch?

Why are they saying she's great? I don't get it. I don't understand. And I asked for a rehearsal beforehand oriented. I was kind of nervous.

Monica Padman
Yeah. So then I said, you know what? I gotta tell you a story. And it's probably very inappropriate, but I think. I think it's the only way I'm gonna be able to get through this.

Tiffany Haddish
It's the only way that my brain is gonna be able to calibrate and focus. Cause this is not who I am. It's too loud in my brain. And you looking at me with your eyes. You're using your eyes to look at me.

You're looking at me with your nostrils. If you get fat looking at me. With just, like, your cheek, I gotta tell you the story. He was like, go ahead and tell me. I said, but it's very inappropriate.

I don't want you to take. It's inappropriate. He's like, I can handle inappropriate. Tell me what's going on. What are you talking about?

And I was like, all right, I'm gonna tell you. So I told him the story. But you gave him the quick one, obviously. Like the scene and the nap. No, no.

I gave it to the quick version. The cliff notes of it. And he burst out laughing, of course. And he's like, oh, that's crazy. You know, my first wife saw me in a movie.

She was on a date with a guy. She said, I'm gonna marry that guy. And then we got married. None of that's gonna be happening over here. Right?

I just need to say that. What if he took you to face off? He found it plain somewhere in Budapest. Then he took you there, still off the table. I mean, he's married.

Dax Shepard
We gotta forget he wasn't married yet. At the time, they were engaged. And if he would have offered to take me to the movies to see that, I would've been like, I've seen it already. Thank you. I'd much rather go karaoke.

Tiffany Haddish
Maybe we can go see Dracula's castle or something. Let's go look at a palace. I would much rather do lunch. Yeah. I told him a story, and then it was, like, the best work day ever.

And we hit it off immediately. And he started telling me stories about industry stuff. I started telling him stories about stuff. We became friends. Is he Rad?

Dax Shepard
I want him to be rad so much red. Rad, rad, rad, rad, rad. White boy talk. I haven't heard that shit in so long. I haven't heard that since 1999.

Tiffany Haddish
He is Rad. Some of the other actors were feeling some type of way because they're like, we've been with him for all this time and he hasn't been talking to us like that. I said, you didn't share a story about you having an orgasm for the first time. Go jerk off watching face off, then come in tomorrow. And I'm like, now, I'm sure he likes you.

They're like, no, he doesn't like me. He hates me. He doesn't talk to me. He likes to have conversations with you. But I was asking him questions too.

Like, how do you manage being in this business? What was it like? You were so young. What do you feel like was your biggest pitfalls? What was the things that knocked you off your rocker that you just couldn't believe happened?

What were the good moments? What did you do with your money. How did you make it grow? And he's like, shit, I fucked my money off. You're kind of like, yeah, yeah.

Dax Shepard
Very famously, in fact. You should have avoided that question. You. A little more research. Fucking question asked.

Tiffany Haddish
Because I knew he had cancels and. He had a business manager that was fucked up. He told me also that was in the movie. I was like, how did you let that slide by? He was like, I was out there.

I was doing this. I was doing that shit. When you're fucking making money.

Monica Padman
He's right. And he's like, Tiffany, what are you doing? Do you need to make sure you do this? So I love talking to people that have made those mistakes. Yeah.

Tiffany Haddish
That's because they can tell you how to avoid them. And I'm telling him, this is what I want to do. Like, every time I do a movie, I want to buy a piece of land, put it in a business or a trust for my family, and do this for my family. He's like, how many kids do you have? I'm like, oh, I don't have any kids.

He's like, what do you care about your family life and money? And I'm like, no. Cause I'm gonna be old one day, and I'm gonna need somebody to take care of me. They're probably gonna wanna get money for it. So he's like, you're very smart, very intelligent young lady.

And it meant so much to me to hear him say that I was smart. I would come on set and he would be like, ta da. Like, he would light up. Of course. Wouldn't it be so funny if the rest of the cast every day would go up to him and make up a story about when they orgasmed in front of him so that he could start loving them too?

But I didn't tell all of them what I said because some of them didn't speak English, but also because I felt like it was inappropriate. Like, you shouldn't be telling your coworkers. Yeah, generally, no. I was bombing hard also. And it was respectful the way I did it.

Dax Shepard
Also, much better if a woman's telling a dude that story than a dude telling a woman. Like, if you're a young actor male on set, and you're with an old actress, you don't need to tell her that you came watching her eyes. It's gendered a little bit, too. I mean, I'm gonna be honest with you. When you hit 60, some young buck.

Tiffany Haddish
60, 70 years old, and I met some young guys, I was watching girls trip. And you were really handling. I was getting my first blowjob, and. This girl that I like was like, oh, let me try that. And it was like, yo.

And I just want to thank you, Tiffany. And I was like, you're welcome. And you know what? I'm not gonna do that for you, young man. That's someone else's job.

I'm gonna pay these mortgages. Oh, that's great. I wanted to ask you one thing about dating, because I feel so bad for every woman who has become powerful and shiny. Men cannot handle that. But what's even worse than they can't handle it?

Dax Shepard
They're attracted to it. I'm thinking of the billionaire. The story that I heard, that, to me, really illustrates what you're up against when you're a powerful woman who has her own thing going, is they're attracted to that so much. But then the second they're with it, they're so threatened by it that they want you to stop it. Is that the pattern of a lot of these?

Tiffany Haddish
I think even the poor man. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. They're threatened by the attention and the other people, you know, and that you make your own shit. You don't need them.

Dax Shepard
That's threatening. I think that's why a lot of successful women turn into lesbians. Interesting. Cause women don't have that problem like men do, or not nearly as much. Exactly.

Tiffany Haddish
Another woman is not gonna be like, oh, she makes more money than me. Fuck this bitch. Then they'll be like, she makes more money than me. And I keep that house clean, and we go on fucking awesome trips, and we have a blast, right? And she fucking body rocks the shit out of me.

Like, she's so affectionate towards me, or whatever. They're not threatened by it. No. And the other woman's not feeling like, well, I do all this shit for her. There's an even exchange, I think it's possible, between a man and a woman.

But that's why, like, I don't ever spend more than $20 on a dude unless it's a business thing. And it's like, oh, I sent flowers. Or he works for me and he's doing this thing, and it's still not me. It's the company that's doing that shit. I'm not doing that shit.

Dax Shepard
But the field of men you have to select from is really, really small. Men that are so confident in who they are that they're not threatened by how much you have going on. Yeah. Or not threatened by other rich men. Being around or movie stars.

Tiffany Haddish
I don't think I'll ever fuck a movie star, ever. You've never fucked a single movie star? I fucked an entertainer. Okay. That could be anything.

Dax Shepard
That could be a sports person. I don't think I'll ever do that again. Really? I think I'll fuck one again, but never be in a relationship. There we go.

Monica Padman
Because they're more sensitive to this ism girl. Yes, they. Egos, you know? And then I think men really want you to be submissive. And I am submissive, but not in all realms.

Yeah. You're not gonna extinguish your flame to make someone else feel better? No, you can't do that. That's such a betrayal of yourself. I'm never doing that.

Dax Shepard
A lot of men want that. Right? Either stop doing all the shit you're doing or let me pimp you out. Let me run your business. Let me decide where you get to perform.

Tiffany Haddish
Let me decide when you get to go on vacation. And I wouldn't mind that so much if it was a we thing. We decide when I work this job, when a man makes me feel like I'm his property, I'm his little dog that he walks or that he showpoints. Showpony. Yeah.

Show pony. Me, I do not like that shit at all. I don't mind if we go to another party. And he's like, look at her. Don't she look so good?

I love this dress on her. That's great. Cute. Borderline. For me, it is borderline.

Dax Shepard
Dudes who date someone that's attractive cause they want to get the approval from other people. Your dude should say all that to you at home. But those dudes that are really showing, I'm always like, what's going on? You really don't need to do that with me because people already know you're already watching. I got a DUI, and that shit was on the korean news.

Tiffany Haddish
I am popping korean news. I'm popping motherfucker. I'm international. Any studio says she not international. Be like, Google was your DUI in the korean news.

First of all, Google famous black women who have been arrested for DUI. There's nobody else. Yeah, I don't think I know of one off the top of my head, but I didn't know about yours until I was researching you today. I got to tell you, with this other female comment. Cause she's like, you just ruined your whole fucking career.

I said ruined my career. If anything, I'm able to prove to the studios that I'm international. Bitch. I'm on that level, bitch. And I won't be on this level forever.

But you know what? It was me and Josephine Baker that popped up in the motherfucking article. Me and Josephine motherfucking Baker. That bitch is a legend. She adopted a bunch of kids.

I got 40 kids living in my goddamn units and shit. I'm doing something. Yeah, that's how I felt about it. And she was like, scuse me. What was the hardest chapter to write for?

Dax Shepard
I curse you with joy. There was one that was super hard, and I ended up taking it out. Cause I felt like, I don't wanna talk about it. What I learned from the first book is. You gonna have to talk about it.

Well, yeah, there's a whole section where you're answering the fucking questions that you can't escape from the first book. Here, let me just finally tell you the answers of this, and you can just pipe down about it. I wanna relive it. I'm done with it. It is what it is.

But what one in the book that made it. Were you on the fence about maybe. To get in stoned one? Cause I didn't want to sound racist. Tell us the getting stoned one.

Tiffany Haddish
You didn't read it? I didn't read the getting stoned one. Do you know what happened? Yeah, this is behind the curtain. This has never happened to us in six and a half years.

Dax Shepard
You were in the schedule for tomorrow. I was, yes. As was an expert on compassion. We're recording another show we do at 10:00 this morning. And all of a sudden, Rob goes, oh, my God.

The expert's five minutes away. And we go, what the fuck are you talking about? That's tomorrow. Everything that was in Thursday's schedule was supposed to happen today, which has never happened in six and a half years. And I immediately was like, tiffany's gonna be here in 4 hours.

Like, I need to read this book. So I read as much of it as I could. So I'm not gonna lie to you. But normally. Cause we had this bizarre fuck up, I would have known the get in high story.

Are your feelings hurt by that? I just want to check that out. No. No, I'm not. Cause I probably wouldn't have read it either, but.

Well, no, I did as much as I humanly could. I did as much as I. As I humanly could. Okay. I drank some tea with somebody.

Tiffany Haddish
Some marijuana tea. We had some conversations. And she wanted me to get arrested with her. And I'm like, yo, if I get arrested, they might not let my ass out. They gonna let your white ass out.

Dax Shepard
Why didn't she want to get arrested? To protest something. Yes, protest. Okay, okay. You know white women, when they wanna get arrested, why they wanna get arrested?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is not racist. Well, I did say some shit in there, like, your white ass is gonna be out the next day. They might decide to make an example of me and keep me. Exactly.

Tiffany Haddish
Yeah, they like to make examples of people like you. Getting arrested is a totally different. It is. Listen, I'm gonna be honest with you. When I started hearing the term white privilege, I'm like, my life didn't feel all that fucking privilege.

Dax Shepard
I got defensive. I'm like, what was the privilege? But then I was like, oh, but you know what? I was a hardcore addict for ten years. I was in and out of the hood buying crack.

I got pulled over all the time, fucked up. No one ever searched me. And I was like, okay, real talk. I would have been in prison so. Fast, it took me.

Yes. Built the way you are. Yes. No, I'm dead. Especially if you had them same eyes and you had.

Tiffany Haddish
You had skin the color in mind, baby, you would have got locked up so fast, and you would have been somebody's bitch. Probably worse. The way I talked to people, I would've got shot. That all hit me where I was like, oh, yeah. Despite all the shit and the government cheese, I got to be an addict in a way that no black dude can be an addict.

You got to have a comeback, like grace. Where's the dude from? Is it Roger? What you talking about? Willie oh, JJ.

Dax Shepard
No, what you talking about? Willie oh, the older brother, Michael something. His name's not Michael something, but he. Never got the older brother. Yeah, he was, but he robbed the.

Dry cleaner or did the chick. Did he sell drugs? He was selling drugs. Drugs, doing drugs, all that stuff. No comeback.

Tiffany Haddish
What black, male actor or female actor? Which one has come back from that? Who's the black? Robert Downey Junior. Right.

Monica Padman
Yeah, it's true. Well, now you stump me, but I am gonna mull this over. I'm inclined to think you're dead right. And that there isn't a single example. I don't even know any women.

Tiffany Haddish
I know of women that have done. Well, the person, though, that I'll say a sports person, and not to contradict you. I take your point, and you're dead right. So I'm not trying to contradict you. I'm talking about.

Dax Shepard
But Darryl Strawberry, he had the most publicized drug habit and was in the news all the time. And he is in all these documentaries now, and he's very loved again. And people have a lot of compassion. I'm so grateful for it because he's such a sweet fucking guy. But is he playing baseball anymore?

Well, he kind of passed his window of playing professional baseball, right. There's no comeback. Is he a coach? Is he a team manager? Most baseball players, they end up becoming, what, like coaches, team managers, owners, something.

Point taken. I agree with you. Privilege. Yeah. And I'm hoping my white privilege kick in at some point.

Tiffany Haddish
I'm betting on my 17%.

Dax Shepard
Well, Tiffany, this was every bit as fun as I hoped to be. I have not written any other actor more DM's on Instagram than I have you over the years. Exactly. I've been wanting. Yeah, I've sent messages to find out right now.

Monica Padman
Okay. I stay out of the DM's because it be penises that pop up and stuff. I don't fuck with DM's either. So when I send it, I'm not expecting really anything, but I've sent them because I'm a huge fan. It's Dax shepherd, right?

Dax Shepard
Yeah, I think so. And you dm me? Yes, ma'am. You dm this Tiffany Haddish that has a blue check mark? Yes.

Monica Padman
What if it was the other? Because you don't even follow me, sir. Listen, I'm gonna start crafting you one, see if it pops, and see if my history. I just sent you one. Cause you alive.

Tiffany Haddish
Scary. I'm scared. I am, too. Did you dm my twitter? This is on Instagram.

Dax Shepard
I bet it's Twitter. You're right. Her dm to me is you. A lie.

Tiffany Haddish
Let me go look on my ex account. Yeah, but I don't have one anymore. I quit it, like, a year and a half ago. Oh. Cause you don't want to pay.

Dax Shepard
That was. Before that, I was just like, this place makes me upset, and I get my feelings hurt here. Why am I here? Maybe there might be some old messages in there for me. Cause you said.

But I've gone. I don't know how that's gonna come up. This was a full disaster. This was a major disaster. Cause I have sent you dm's and I don't really know how to explain this.

And I asked Ike Baron. We could call Ike right now. And I've asked everyone I know. You definitely asked your people a lot. That I can vouch for.

Monica Padman
For sure. Do we need to pull up those emails?

Dax Shepard
I feel like I'm getting the experience of what it'd be like if we were dating for three months. If we were dating for three months. If you lied to me, I'd be like, oh, you thought I lied to you? Yeah. Look me in the eyes.

Do you think I really didn't send you DM's that I haven't tried to reach out to you? I think that you sent DM's to the wrong Tiffany Haddish. I think you've been. I think you've been manipulated. Cause there's a lot of people that pretend to be me online, and they're not me.

Tiffany Haddish
Was there a blue check mark? That is something also you might do on accident. The silver lining of this, getting to. Know you, getting to know all about you. Oh, look at this.

Getting to like you, getting to snoop on you, getting to know you. Like me. I like you. I like you a lot. I've never gone to pick up a guest, but I would 100 more times.

Thank you. What if I would have told you I'm at the police station? I need you to get me out of here. I'm being serious. Do you have this?

Dax Shepard
You know, other people have had your thing. I, without knowing you would probably be. Like, I know I'm supposed to be there right now, but I'm here at the police station. If you could come get me. You heard his story.

Monica Padman
He's dying to pick people up at the police station. I know, I know. I know how to get to all of them. That would have been better. Hilarious.

Tiffany Haddish
That would have been a way better story to tell, too. Tiffany, how did you end up at the police station? So what had happened was to what I witnessed was. But I mean, sincere. When, you know, people have been through the show, kids who are going through it, who have been through this shit, who are scared of the adults in their house, I will be there for those people.

Dax Shepard
So, like, if I think or I know. I heard you got a car saying, like, oh, I'll go right now. I was shocked when you said that. I'm coming. It could have been anywhere.

Tiffany Haddish
Really. Yes. But I was right down the street. Unfortunately, I don't get to prove it. You're gonna have to get fucked up somewhere, like down in Orange county.

Monica Padman
We'll hear all about it. Oh, my gosh. You know what's crazy, too, is I was like, dang, I need to be back driving my volkswagen eos. I ain't driven it in a minute. Well, you're gonna be.

Tiffany Haddish
Yeah, I'm gonna be driving out of. Necessity for the next few days. What kind of car I want now. Tiffany, I love this. And it was everything I thought it might be.

Dax Shepard
And I'm really excited that we got to have you. I'm excited, too. This was lovely. I hope everyone gets. I curse you with joy.

You know what it makes me think of a little bit is thank em, honey. Octavia. Oh, yeah. Octavia's got the greatest. Thank em, honey.

No matter what, they low ball her. Thank em, honey. Yeah, I forgot about that. Yeah. I curse you with joy.

It's kinda like, thank him, honey. Well, I like that. Bless your heart. That's when I be really mad. I really don't wanna fuck with you.

Tiffany Haddish
Bless your heart. Bless your heart. It's a mess. Bless her. All right, Tiffany, now I'm gonna drive you home.

Thank you, honey. This will continue another entire episode in the car. Right now. I know my phone is charged up a little bit.

Look at me as a kid. Oh, no. But it was good time. Aw. That was before the keloid.

Dax Shepard
She deserved all the stuff. Smiling at my granny. Oh, sweet. Oh, grandparents. Aren't they the greatest?

Tiffany Haddish
They're the best thing in the world. I wish I could resurrect people. The only thing that breaks my heart, I don't ever get this feeling where I wish someone could see me succeed or be proud of me. I would kill to bring my papa Bob back to life and just hang with him for a few days in my life and go, like, I'm kind of here cause of you. Yeah.

Dax Shepard
Thank you. Thank you. Thanks for being such a sweet man. I mean, I used to tell my grandma thank you all the time. And, like, look at her in her eyes.

Tiffany Haddish
I love you. And she'd be like, girl, calm down. Stop. Go ahead. Cleaning room.

And I just loved hugging her and smelling her wigs and stuff. She heard it, though. Even if she said sometimes, I'll be putting her wigs on now. All right. Adore you.

I'm weird. Everyone read. I curse you, Joy.

Dax Shepard
I sure hope there weren't any mistakes in that episode, but we'll find out when my mom misses Monica comes in and tells us what was wrong.

Monica Padman
Yeah, we're your daughter. I take naps at random times, too. All these patterns are emerging between me and Aaron. You, Aaron, Charlie. You know, not that he naps, but, like, figuring out that I only hang out with people that are athletically superior to me.

Dax Shepard
And now this one. I'm drawn to nappers. I napped yesterday. I used to nap a lot, a lot, a lot. I don't really anymore unless I'm really tired.

Monica Padman
Or often the week leading up to my period, which is now. I don't know why I feel bad for you. I rarely get hit with that. It'll happen occasionally with jet lag or an illness where it's like you get to 1 hour of the day. It's like 01:00 p.m.

Dax Shepard
And all of a sudden you go like, oh, I have to lay down right now. Your body's like, I quit. Oh, look who's here, too. Were you taking a nap? Yeah.

Monica Padman
He knew it. I knew it. And then Monica said, I took a nap yesterday. And I said, boy, we're really discovering some patterns about who I'm drawn to. Nap.

Dax Shepard
Super athletic nap. It's not fair to call me super athletic. Counterintuitive, too. I don't associate super athletes with also nap. Well, you have to nap to rejuvenate your muscles.

Monica Padman
Yeah, I actually do think that's why I parley. I napped. Okay. This is a great thing for us to talk about. Great.

I'm in a dilemma. Oh, great. We'll have advice whether it's right. I need both of your advice. Sure.

So I'm back on my wogs in. Case Aaron doesn't know. Yeah. Oh, my wog is a lap of walking, then two laps running. Lap walking, two laps running.

Dax Shepard
Well, it's a jogging, so that walk makes sense. No, but it's running. Cause I'm running fast. Okay, the combo, then you should call it a wan. No.

Okay. Don't tell me what to do. Your branding's a little. Were you asking a branding question? Well, no, I guess it's a jog and then I'm not sprinting, but I'm running at a pace.

Monica Padman
Like, I'm not just. I got this. You're not gonna like this. Okay. And I don't think there's any science to what I'm about to say, but I think anything over an eight minute mile is a jog.

Dax Shepard
And anything sub seven's a run. Like, remember when sub seven or sub eight? I know that's weird. Yeah, let's do seven and a half minutes. No, I think.

Monica Padman
I think eight or under is a run. Okay. I think we've been running a couple miles. Most people that are runners. I remember when I offended Malcolm Gladwell and I said, he jogged.

Well, that's what you're doing now. He is a runner. Yeah. Like he runs six minute miles for five, 6 miles. I don't know.

Dax Shepard
I feel like that's a run. And then there's jog is, like, elevated heart rate. Pushing yourself. Okay, whatever. I run two laps, and then I.

Monica Padman
I walk briskly. One. And the one that I walk is long, like, it's a two block and has an uphill. Yeah. So it's a whole thing I have going.

Okay. I'm back on it. And I'm normally doing it around six ish. Between, like, six and seven. This whole thing takes about an hour.

Dax Shepard
First of all, God bless you. That's a hard time to motivate to work the evening. Yeah, but you gotta bang that out in the morning. No, I'm tired in the morning. Okay.

All right. Are you tired in the morning? Extremely tired in the morning. See, Aaron's the ultimate. Your friends are tired in the morning.

D
We don't do anything till the afternoon. Aaron had no improv training, but he is the king of. Yes. Ann, are you tired in the morning? Absolutely.

Monica Padman
No, I can tell he is. That's another type you're attracted to. And. Okay, so I. I'm out at that time.

There's a group of people. This is, like, eight or nine people, all with at least a dog. They're standing at the corner of Commonwealth and avocado. They're standing in my path, and they're standing in the sidewalk. Some of them are on the.

This, like, grassy part, but they're taking up this whole sidewalk. And they see me, and sometimes they'll move their foot, but they are not making space. And it's so many people. And it slows me down and messes me up. And it.

Like, I never. I never get this angry, but it feels unjust. It feels entitled. We just had narcissist person on. It's so narcissistic.

And I don't really know what to do about it because there's so many of them. I do feel kind of outnumbered. Yeah. Like, I feel shy to call it out. Yeah.

But it's so rude. Like, it is crazy. Yeah. It's outrageous. Like, they see me now.

Dax Shepard
I have to admit something. I'm a little ahead of the curve on this dilemma, because you guys had a girls dinner last night. Yes. Yes. So anytime Kristen comes home from these girls dinner, she repeats the dinner, I say, what's everyone up to?

And she goes, oh, Erica's got this great idea for a new business. Amy said, ryan's doing this. And I hear from everyone, and she said, and Monica's having a hard time with these people while she runs. So I kind of already, I'm abreast of this situation. Okay.

Monica Padman
How did you feel when I was telling it? Like, how do I act? Like I surprised? Well, by the way, this is actually an old. This is a reoccurring dilemma in your life, because years ago when you were doing this, you would sometimes sound off and hear about people, dogs.

Dax Shepard
They wouldn't pull them out of the way or they'd be taking it. Yes. So you had a previous grievance. There's a lot of bad etiquette with the sidewalk. Sidewalk etiquette.

Monica Padman
Yes. So. And this is gonna be probably two down the middle for you. But first of all, yes. They're rude.

Dax Shepard
They should move out of the way. They should not even. They should party in the grass or in a driveway. Exactly. They should still be social.

I think that's great that they're gathering. I'm happy for that. Obviously not the problem. No, I know. Don't defend them.

First of all, I'm on your side, because what they're doing is rude and they shouldn't do that. So you're right. Secondly, there are two variables in this equation. There's you, and then there's this group of eight people. And so I think you should change your route.

I think you should just do another route because you are destined to just get frustrated over and over and over again, and you're never going to be able to get them to move. And so why put yourself through the frustration, the inevitable frustration? Maybe just run a different block. There's so many blocks to choose from. They are really different.

They are all the participants. Oh, the blocks are so different. So after, like, on my third time of this, or fourth, whatever, it was, like my last lap, I did think I was like, I can't run by them again. So I then ran. I ran the whole two block instead so I didn't have to cross over them again.

Monica Padman
And it sucked. Yeah. So again, I want to reiterate, you are in the right, but I have to recite the Sorrento prayer, which is, God, grant me the sorene to accept the things I cannot change, accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. So I would argue this is a situation that you're powerless over, that you can't change. So your best course of action is acceptance, which is.

Dax Shepard
This blows. I probably can't change it, but why can't I? I keep thinking this is what I would do. I don't think you'll do it, but you may. Maybe if they make a small can.

Air horn, can they do they make those? Yeah, but you, like, as you're coming up, just go. Right. So that is a way to handle. And then if you want to be the person blowing a foghorn, like, people go like, you seen that crazy bitch, Los Feliz?

She's got a foghorn. Actually. I don't give a fuck if they think I'm crazy. Then this. You should do this then.

Monica Padman
But I don't want to carry that. No, I know. If they make a real small one, right? Like a lady remington version. My little lemon.

Dax Shepard
Just like a bike. A bike one, yes. It's like hard. Like a keychain one. Like mace.

Monica Padman
And like one of them said, scuse us. Didn't move. But didn't move. Yeah. Like, it's active.

It's actively. Well, I can imagine what I'm so scared to. Go ahead, paint a defense for them. But I can imagine there they might be being just strictly utilitarian about it. Where they go, there's eight of us that would have to move versus one of her that would have to move.

Dax Shepard
So it makes more sense that the one person would move than the eight people would move. But it doesn't, because it's a sidewalk. Yes. Again, you are completely in the right. You don't own.

It's for movement. It's not for people. It's literally for people to walk and move freely and get to where they need to get and not have to run in the street or walk in the street. Alternative strategy you won't take either. But along the lines with what Aaron's saying is, I would run right through the middle of them and I would fart as loud as I can.

And then I promise you, when I come tomorrow and they see me jotting and be like, oh, fucking. Here's that fucking gross guy. You fucking sicko. And they would all move out of the way. Cause they don't wanna get fart particles on them.

D
Maybe fart spray. Everything I have involved, I can't do. You love your aerosols?

A can of hairspray and a lighter. Just run. By torching WD 40 in Australia. Kristen had a good advice. What was hers?

Monica Padman
It's the best advice I've heard out of these. Better than farting in the middle of. Yeah, she said that maybe you could say, hey, guys, it's really hard to keep up a run. So if you see me coming through, can you please move? Uh huh.

And that is good. But also, I don't really. I'm kind of. You feel like they don't deserve that. No, I like.

D
When are you doing this drive down there before your walk. Hey, gang. About 20 minutes. I'm gonna be taking a run. I'd have to stop in the middle of the log.

Monica Padman
Do it and then. Exactly. And it would work. There's no way they're like that. Big assholes.

Dax Shepard
They probably would accommodate, but I imagine. I mean, my best guess is they're doing what I suggested, which is like, eight of us versus one of you. Yeah, just move so eight of us don't have to be inconvenienced. That's really dumb and annoying. Do you run so fast that if you were running in place while you're talking to them, it's too much?

Monica Padman
Yeah, I definitely. That's a big slowdown. It's already a slowdown. Even when I'm like. Like, excuse me.

Excuse me. So you really are booking. You might be going seven and a half miles. I take it back for the rut. I think you are in a juan.

Dax Shepard
You'd have to do rock. Rock. Okay, but I'm with Wong rock. Well, now you're the person in the sidewalk. No, I'm not.

Monica Padman
You're trying to change my thing I invented. You feel entitled to do that.

Yeah. Or maybe I should just. When the narcissist episode comes out, I should just blast it as I'm running. You jog with a big jambox. Yeah.

Dax Shepard
Yeah. So they hear it loud and clear. I just really. It really bothers me because it is hard to get back on this routine, and I don't like it, and I'm doing it, and it's good for me. And they are making it.

Monica Padman
They're impeding really, really unpleasant. And it's already unpleasant. Right. It's easy for me to be like, I don't want to deal with that today, so I'm not doing it. Can you harness that ire in the moment to push you harder and faster on your rug?

I can't go harder and faster if they're blocking. No, but I'm saying once you get beyond them, you harness. Well, that is what happens, actually. I think you get, like, really mad. And I'm going fast, but then it's, like messing up my breath.

It's not good. I bet you're getting gains out of it. No, I'm not. Don't make it bad. Make it bad.

Dax Shepard
Trying to reframe it. All we know reframing is power. You would be so pissed. But we know exactly how I would deal with this. I'm not.

I'm not claiming. Would you push them all out of the way? Run. If I locked eyes with someone they saw was running towards them on the sidewalk and they chose to just stay planted, I'd run. Probably run right into them.

Monica Padman
I mean, I. What I essentially am. I'm just like. It's still trying to. Excuse me.

Dax Shepard
Right before I hit them. Yeah. But, yeah, I think. What do you think you'd really do, Aaron? Yeah, I think I would bowl him.

D
Probably run into them, too. Yeah. Which is not. That's the very ill advised approach. It's not good.

I'm really unimpressed by eight people that they can't get out of your way. Just move. Especially your way. We haven't even thought of this. Try jogging with the picture of baby Monica.

Dax Shepard
And as you're approaching them, show them and go, I'm just this little baby. And they would probably jump out of the way and then run behind you. To protect you in case one has a baby. What's the breakdown of the genders? Lots of genders.

D
Are all the dogs small, or will they attack you? No, there's big ass. Dogs were wolves. It's out. What if one of the guys was a werewolf?

Dax Shepard
Literally and figuratively? I also feel, like, annoyed by their group. I don't know what's happening with that group, but why isn't one person in the group nice enough to say, hey, guys, maybe we should not stand in the sidewalk. All these people suck. Like what?

You're not gonna like this, but you have to agree. You'll have to agree that I'm right about this. If this was a movie, the very last scene. Me, cute. The last scene of this movie.

Would you. You would be with those guys and girls having a blast. You would have joined them. Never. I know, but I'm thinking that this was a movie.

Monica Padman
Movies are stupid. They're not based in reality. Some are, some aren't. But don't you think that would be the obvious way to end this movie? Yeah, it'd be an easy way.

It'd be bad writing. Lazy. Yeah, lazy. Thank you. Lazy writing.

Anyway, if anyone listening has ideas, or if anyone listening is in this group, please, please just ask the other members to, like, there's people in walkers and stuff. There's people. Do you think maybe they move for them? I bet they probably. I bet everyone didn't mean to not move for you.

D
But after they didn't move the first time, now they have to hold their ground. Oh, you think they're just like, oh, fuck, we better double down. Oh, they're just stay on their ground. I mean, I hate. What if, as you jog by, they lifted their shirts up and they had pistols in their waistband?

Monica Padman
Oh, my God. One time is fine. Like, it would be one thing if every now and then they weren't moving, but every time, it just feels so entitled in a way that's absolutely very triggering. Very. Yeah.

Dax Shepard
Do you think there's any merit to what I'm saying about one of the two variables has to change. This is the route for my run. Right. So it's not. Yep.

So it's not gonna be you. So we gotta get these eight people. To change and you can hardly even run in the grass to get around it. Cause all the dogs, like, it's a bad situation. It's a roadblock for you, it's a full roadblock.

So what if there were a roadblock? Yeah. That is a situation that's not entitled. Like, that is an actual. When you use the aa thing, that's.

Monica Padman
I can't control that. Right. Do you feel like you would be surrendering to them to alter your route? Like, they would have won? No, it's.

It's. That's actually going to cost me, like, that route. New route. Whatever it is. Yeah.

Is going to probably be harder. See, my hang up in that situation was I would feel like they won. And I hate feeling defeated. That's not. If I just wanna.

I just wanna run the way that I fucking deserve to. Yeah, that could be a headline like, angry woman mows down eight people. That's how people do get. This is how people get pushed to the edge. Now, that's a movie.

Dax Shepard
Yeah, well, it's called falling down. You remember that? We were kidding. Michael Douglas, he just had enough. I love you guys, but you really weren't helpful enough.

No, well, I don't think a great friend gives the advice they necessarily were wanting to hear. No, Kristen gave me good advice. It's not one that I wanna, like. I like the situation out. Were you annoyed with her at all?

Monica Padman
No, I wasn't. I was like, that's good advice. I don't want to do it because I'm scared, but sound. Yeah. What was that?

D
Excuse me. It's kinda hard to keep up my pace. Yeah. Excuse me. It's hard for me to keep up my run.

Monica Padman
I understand you guys are all hanging out, but if you see me, can you just make space for me? Here's. I've printed out eight wallet size pictures of me as a baby. If these are for you, just think about that when you see me, see this little baby coming down the street. Aren't you proud of her?

Do you have anything to add? I agree. It sucks. I deal with that with school drop off where there's parents in a group. That walk, and then I've got Vincent.

Dax Shepard
With me, and they don't move. People are not, like, very mad. Yeah, it's an epidemic. It's a. Los Feliz is, like, just a disaster.

Very populous city. We live in a very populous city. Anyway. Is it illegal to block a sidewalk for a certain amount of time? What, have you called the cops on them?

Monica Padman
I mean, certainly, I bet it is illegal. Only if it's for an unlawful purpose. Oh, well. Mm. You think they're conspiring?

Dax Shepard
You just have to prove they're conspiring to commit a crime. Yeah, well, then what else could they be doing? Okay, well, that was my beef. Now, this is interesting. So.

Monica Padman
Oh, God, I'm so. I'm so outnumbered here, so this is gonna be hard. Is this a boy girl thing? No, it's a couple singles thing. Okay.

At our girls. And none of us said any. We never say anything that's secretive to the group because we're all close knit groups, so who cares? But this is just, like, a bigger question. Like, should we assume that everyone went home to their partners and replayed all of our interactions?

Not in this dinner. In all of our dinners. Is it assumed? Well, I think you're positioning it as, are you gonna tell everything or nothing? And I don't think it's either of those things.

Dax Shepard
Your partner comes home and you go, how is dinner? And they go, good. They're not gonna. They can't leave it at that. What happened?

Oh, we were laughing about blah, blah, blah, right? Now, are they gonna betray whatever level of secrecy that you, all five, have? And again, if it's a secret that all five of you are sharing, I don't think it's that deep of a secret. Cause you're already sharing it with five people. But even in that case, I don't think, necessarily, that Kristen's gonna say something that was presumed to be in confidence of that five people.

Monica Padman
Yeah. In general, this is a thing, right? Where, because someone's in a couple, if you tell them something in confidence, should there be an assumption that it just goes without saying that the partner will know? What do you think? Yeah, I think you should assume they're gonna tell their significant other.

Dax Shepard
That's also. Yeah, I just think it's. This is why it's unfair. Unfair. I think.

Monica Padman
Because, yes. That is what single people assume. They assume that if they're telling someone who is in a partnership goes without saying, unless you say explicitly that their partner is gonna just know. But if I tell a friend, that's a betrayal. I don't know about that.

Dax Shepard
My assumption is you do tell your friends stuff. You tell me stuff. We all tell. No, but out of the group. Right.

Monica Padman
Like, if you're telling me something and then you hear later that I was talking about it with someone close to me, someone else, you probably wouldn't love it. But yet, if I find out that you told Kristen something, I have to sort of just be like, yeah, I guess that's just the way it goes, but it's not fair. I don't know if I agree with that, though, summation, because I think you do tell your friends stuff I tell you, and you tell me stuff your friends have told you, and I think people tell each other things they've heard. I don't really think it's unique to couples. Yes.

Dax Shepard
Do people tell their spouses stuff? Most certainly, yeah. But I'm only. And you don't agree. But I would argue people do that with their best friends as well.

Monica Padman
Yeah, they do. Yeah. But I think the other person feels that they have an entitlement of betrayal. Betrayal. It's the same thing.

Dax Shepard
Yes. If you're gonna feel betrayed someone told their best friend something you told them, then you should equally feel betrayed that they told their spouse. Yeah, I think you're an exception. But I do think a lot of people have this where they're just like, well, obviously my husband knows, or obviously this person knows, and it's like, well, that's not fair. Well, that gets into a really fun thing about every time I watch one of these shows, like CIA shows.

Can you imagine being married to someone that was not allowed to tell you what they did at work all day, every day, day, accepting that? That seems crazy to me. My hunch is they do tell their spouses all the secrets of the state. I don't think so. You don't?

Monica Padman
I really don't. It's probably neither one or the other. It's probably some mix of people that. Are sharing often, too. I don't know.

Often I know one example of two people who are in the CIA who are married. Okay. So maybe they intermingle a lot. Maybe they both have the right security clearance to tell each other stuff. I don't know if they tell each other stuff, but they're both in the CIA, so they recognize the importance of.

Dax Shepard
It, or they might not press each other. Right, exactly. Yeah. Interesting. But it would be very weird to be partnered up with somebody that their work life, which is half of their life, is completely unknown to you and never will be known to.

Monica Padman
It's kind of cool. Cause then you don't talk about work, you just talk about other stuff. What else is there to talk about? But if I was married to someone in the CIA, I'd be like, tell me about your work. It's so exciting.

Dax Shepard
I'd actually want to know. I would be like, I'm dying to tell someone about my work.

I know. I don't think you'd rather I'd get. Married just to tell someone about it. They can at least, I think, enact that marriage clause. Right?

Spousal. Spousal privilege. Yes. Oh, I think there is a little safeguard in that one. That was happening in the Bob durst documentary when they were deposing his wife.

D
Yes. The lawyer kept stopping the questioner and saying, that's privileged marriage. Right? Oh, that. She doesn't have to say.

Dax Shepard
Yeah, there's private communication between her and her husband. Okay, but see, this is exactly what I'm talking about. So there's spousal privilege, but not best friend privilege. Oh, right. Now you got a real leg to stand on on that, aren't you?

Monica Padman
That's not fair. Right. Maybe you can get that privilege legally if you go to the courthouse. I'm gonna try. Okay, well, this is for Tiffany Haddish.

Dax Shepard
Oh, what a party. I can't wait for you to hear this one, Erin. Yeah, it's a good episode, but okay. Also, so, yeah, we went to dinner last night at the Chateau Marmont. I was shocked to hear that you guys.

So it was for Molly's birthday. Yeah. She had never been. She had never been. But my understanding was you and Kristen are anti chateau.

Monica Padman
I'm not anti. She is. Yeah, but didn't you as well, you were telling me you didn't agree with them not letting people in. I don't like country clubs. And then you were trying to equate that to the chateau.

Dax Shepard
Right. And I like the chateau. My mom. Yeah, of course. It's great.

Monica Padman
I don't think also, because she was saying, which I understand, she was like, it's exclusionary. But she was also acknowledging that she just thinks she doesn't belong there. Yeah. She was her own insecurity. Yes, exactly.

Dax Shepard
Because what's interesting. Yeah. And this is a cute thing about Kristen, is she doesn't necessarily feel cool. Sometimes, like, cool's a trigger for her. Yeah.

And that place is, like, the quintessential cool place in Hollywood. Fucking Belushi died there. I mean, it's the whole place again. It is. And it's not.

Monica Padman
When you go, it's a great vibe. It's, like, very. It's very fun Hollywood. But I'm not, like, looking around thinking everyone's cool. How do you.

Dax Shepard
How do you. Sorry. How do you get in? Are you able to get reservation? Oh, okay.

Monica Padman
So that's why I can't hate it that much, because it's not that exclusive. You can make a reservation. I just made a reservation and got it. Oh, okay. Where.

Dax Shepard
Where there would be selection is. If you rolled in there without a reservation, you would not get a table. Yes. Unless you were a desirable guest for them, but. Exactly.

Monica Padman
And so that. And I made that point. I said, look, I think. We think that because there's all this lore about the chateau, and it is this, like, old Hollywood place, but every single restaurant we go to as a group, you have to have the same thing. You either have to have a reservation or they wouldn't let us in unless you were fancy.

It's all the same. Yeah. There's just something about that specific place that's triggering, but I love it anyway. But it came up on this episode, so it's a ding ding ding. Oh, yeah.

Dax Shepard
And I would say it is. I buy in. That place has this magic where you, like, you feel like, oh, I'm in Hollywood, California. Like, I dig it. Yeah, it's fun.

Monica Padman
It's a fun place. Oh, my God, the cookies were so good. I loved the cookies. You love cookies also. And I don't.

I shouldn't say this. I shouldn't say it. Am I gonna say it? Say it. You can cut it.

They have these candles there that are so good. They smell so good. And they've been out of stock for what I found out was six years. Oh, my. What could that be?

And they used to sell them at Clairvivier also, so that's. So sometimes I would. But they were hidden, but it was a hidden secret. So I would get them there and then whatever. The past couple years, they've been out of stock there.

And so I went up and I said, you don't have the candles, do you? And she was like, we do have them. No way. Them. Six years to restock.

I just don't know. What is this smell? I can't even describe it. No, but. So.

And she said. She said I had a wait. You know, I had this crazy waitlist and when I was calling people on it, they would be ordering 20 shar, a scarcity mentality. And I then was like, well, I need four. Okay, for me.

And then I thought, they sell candles. At Chateau is what you're saying. Yeah. Oh, okay. But I don't know if I want to tell people because, like, I don't want them to sell out.

No, no, no, no. Sorry. Yes, these are for sale, but out of stock for six years. So I decided instead to buy enough for the girls and give everyone one. So you got five and kept one for yourself?

I got six and kept two for yourself. Yeah, but one I'm gonna give to Kristen. She left early. Okay, there's six of them. Oh, there were six of you there.

Dax Shepard
I thought there was five of you there. So I did the right thing. Good job. And I'm hoping it karmically, you'll. There'll probably be an endless supply of candles now.

Monica Padman
Or karmically, maybe those people will not be on the street anymore. I'm hoping that sort of evens out somehow. Impact that. Okay, I'm. I could have bought them candles.

Dax Shepard
Oh, my God. You gotta make a day of it. I wonder if you could just offer them cash. No one suggested that, like, hey, guys, what's it, $5 a pop? You guys get out of the way when I come.

D
More than five, maybe 20 a piece. 20? Yeah, $160. Get them out of there. Get the fuck out of here.

Dax Shepard
Go. Fuck off. Spend this 20 somewhere. You rat more people. These are trash people.

Yeah. There'll be 100 people looking to get their hands out. Okay, so you said bunting, or blunting. Is the term for when your antidepressant robs you of your highs. Antidepressant bunting.

Monica Padman
About half of users who take selective serotonin and SSRI's report a sense of emotional blunting, a psychic flatness that limits their emotional range, particularly their ability to experience positive feelings like pleasure and joy. So it is blunting. Have you experienced that, Erin, at all? Maybe when my cocktail wasn't quite right, I experienced that. Uh huh.

D
But I don't experience it now either, do I? Well, what was weird is I did the first time I ever tried it and then I got off of it and then I did it again for a period of time and I did. Didn't experience it the second time. Yeah, you gotta get it right. You gotta get the.

Dax Shepard
It was the same dose. Weirdly, it was like the same. Of the same medicine, same dose. Yeah, I basically was just like, at some point, well, it's worth the blunting to be able to sleep leading up for this job. And then I got on it.

I was like, oh, that's weird. I don't have it this time. Weird. Maybe the first round was psychosomatic. Like, I know I'm on something.

I have reservations about being on it to begin with. Or maybe your body. I mean, it takes a minute to adjust to these two. Yeah, maybe it was more that. Yeah.

Monica Padman
Okay. You mentioned you met her at a CASA event. Mm hmm. Casa, if people don't know, is court appointed special advocates, and it promotes court appointed advocates for abused and neglected children. And your mom is a Casa?

Dax Shepard
Yeah, she was for years. And they're really awesome. Cause they just become this. There's so many changing faces when you're in foster, both between who you're staying with and then you're going to see doctors and you're getting evaluated, and maybe at school you have things. So this person joined you on all those things.

Supervised visitation with a parent. Then you know the diagnosis from a doctor, all this stuff, and they're just consistent and they're with you. And then when it comes time for the court case, for the judge to evaluate whether they should be returned or not to their parents or stay in foster care, the opinion of the Casa is, Wade, because they've gotten to see the whole thing. Yeah. It's become Acasa.

That's a great question. I guess you just call and volunteer. I know my mom had to do. I think you do classes and stuff. Well, as a part of.

Yeah, I mean, you just call and volunteer and get going on it and then. Yeah, there are different classes that she would take from time to time and learn about, you know, different developmental stuff that's common with kids that are in foster. And it's very sweet, man. It's so. It's.

The people that volunteer to do that are incredible. It's so awesome. There's a article that's. That I enjoyed. It's a seven minute read, though, so I'm probably not gonna read it.

Monica Padman
Unless you want me to. Unless this is a Taylor Swift situation. Is there two minutes of it you wanna hit us with? It's hard to do that. Okay.

Dax Shepard
What's there to talk about? Meat. Meat. Meat eating. Because you and Tiffany get in a conversation about meat.

Oh. Oh. About whether. Yes, she said, we're not designed to eat. Not true.

Monica Padman
But there's conflicting information. And this is from Scientific American, so I trust it. I trust it. And it is for 2.4 out of the 2.5 million years we've been eating animals. So start with that.

That's the first sentence, but then there's a lot more to it. And I had one other thing that you don't ever see a deer eating a dead raccoon carcass. Animals that are herbivores eat plants, period. They can't eat meat. They don't have the right stomach for it.

Yeah. And you don't see a lion or a tiger eating a field of grass when they're hungry. So just the simple fact that if you can observe the animal eating the food, that is proof that that's the food they're supposed to eat. It's very basic. That's the food we were evolved to eat.

Dax Shepard
Yes. We could. If we were herbivores, we couldn't eat meat. But we are omnivores. We are.

Yeah. We are able to eat vegetables. It's not like. Yeah, and so, but if we weren't supposed to eat meat, that would make us vegetarian. That would make us herbivores, and we couldn't eat it.

Monica Padman
Yeah, exactly. Well, that's clear. We're not herbivores, but, I mean, there's so much evidence for vegetarianism being so good for us. Yes. I don't have a claim that vegetarianism isn't very healthy.

Dax Shepard
That's not a all just she said, we don't have the teeth of a. Of an animal that eats meat. Yeah. That's how it started. And I said, well, that's because we have been cooking the meat for millions of years, and so it allows us to have different teeth.

Monica Padman
Yeah. Anywho, it's called does humanity have to eat meat? Have to? Yes. And it's scientific american.

Dax Shepard
We don't have to. Right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

We don't have to eat meat. Yeah. That's not my claim at all. Or even that being vegetarian isn't healthier. I don't think there's a good enough study.

Monica Padman
Okay, that's good for us to clarify. Yeah, I'm not saying that at all. There is a group of vegetarians that claim humans aren't supposed to eat meat, and that is just factually incorrect. Yeah. If I'm entitled to say one thing after that stupid degree, it's that this species is designed to eat plants and animals.

Yeah. Okay, cool. Well, anyway, let's see what else. Sour power strips. She loves them.

I looked them up. They look delicious. Enough for you to hit add to cart? No. Okay.

They're not for me? I like them. You do? Yeah. I eat candy like fucking crazy.

So. You know what I mean? The thick. They're thick? Yeah.

Oh, you know. Wow. Well, he's. Tell Monty about your new treat you brought with you. Oh, yeah, I just finished them, actually.

D
Sorry. What is it? They're nerd guys. So do you know what the nerds are? Okay, so they're gummies with nerds all over them for the outer encrusted with nerds.

Monica Padman
So is it a thick gummy? Like, is it a big piece? They're pretty small. They're all different sizes, but they're pretty small. Like the size of a rock.

Dax Shepard
It looks like a tiny little nerd rock. That sounds nice. But we said that. Oh, by the way, you saw them and just didn't. Oh, yeah.

D
I had some on the table when we played spades Saturday. And when I looked over, it looked like a dumb little toy. It looks like kind of something the girls would play with, I'm sure. I thought. Yeah, it was like a bouncy, something overly colorful.

Dax Shepard
And then I saw Erwin slam one in his mouth. And I was like, he's eating the girl's toys now. Ruthie turned me on to him. Cause she's. Yeah, she's really guided me along my candy journey.

D
Cause she loves candy. She loves him. Oh really? Yeah. And so I always.

If I don't go into her bedside drawer, that's where she stashes her candy. Cause you got to hide the candy from the kids too. Oh, sure. So I like just to see what's doing, you know, like what has she got today? Cause there's candy from everywhere that gets into the house.

Like Trader Joe's candy. Random. That fucking sour tape and the. Oh yeah. I fought for a long time, but I'm there.

I just love candy. And I'm never fucking ate candy in my life. Wait, really? It's new? Yeah, it's new.

Dax Shepard
Am I right? And then it started with these ginger treats. Yeah, that was like the gateway candy. Exactly. They're almost salty.

D
Yeah, it's healthy and it's. And I used it to curb my appetite. So I would stop eating every 5 seconds. I would ate those. Yeah.

Dax Shepard
Cutest routine was like, I need notice it in the dunes. So we go in the dunes and then at night, Aaron and I will get on the couch to watch our movie at night as we always do. And Aaron goes and gets like twelve of his ginger treats. Oh. And he'll put them out on the bed and he's like, oh yeah, these are my ginger treats.

So I don't go eat something more. Right. And then I got into those ginger treats a little bit on that trip. Yeah, it's fun. I hate ginger trees.

D
Ate them or love them, for sure. Interesting. I wish I loved them. Cause they're like, I think, healthy. I hate to be terminally unique, but I didn't hate it or love it.

Dax Shepard
I was just like, here. I certainly didn't love it. And I didn't hate it. I hated burn from them before. They're spicy.

Tiffany Haddish
Yeah, they're spicy. They're only, like, five calories. Yeah, yeah. And there's something to do. That's what I liked.

Dax Shepard
It's almost like dipping or something. It's just like something to satisfy the oral's fixation. Yes, definitely. So now the candy, though, I. The nerd.

Okay. So the nerds came about in these small packages, like a gas station package, you know? And Ruthie said, now if I got into a package that was open, I would eat the package. And she's like, God damn it. They're like, $4 and they're, oh, you can only get them at a gas station, and there's so few in there.

D
And I'm like, well, that's fucked. Cause now I like these. But I'm not gonna spend $416 a night. I want more than a package when I sit down to have some. Also, $4 a night's a pack of cigarettes.

Dax Shepard
You might as well go back to buying fucking camels. I guess. I'm been out of the game for 19 years. But there's the bag that I brought here. Fucking score on Amazon, of course.

Oh, nice. A humongous bag for $6. That's, like. Has ten gas station packages. Oh, wow.

D
And, yes, I ate that entire package since I've been here. Economy of scale. Yeah, we love it. Liberal arts education. Is there any candies you eat, Monty?

Monica Padman
I'm not a huge candy gal. I'm more of a cookie gal. Yeah. Although I'm cookie boy. I like candy.

I just don't. I feel like you should crave it. Do you think that it should be cookie boy? I'm a girl. I know, but in this rare situation, could you be.

Dax Shepard
I'm a cookie boy. No, I can be a cookie monster. Okay, cookie monster. That's a good compromise. Do you eat cookie crumble?

D
Crumble cookies? Do you eat crumbs off the table when other people have cookies? Do you mean cookie crisp? What do you mean? Do I have that wrong?

There's, like, a fancy cookie place. Oh. C r u m B l or something. I know what you mean. Okay.

Crumble cookies. And it comes in a pink box. I've seen them. They're like gourmet cookies. I saw that in New York.

Monica Padman
I didn't have it. Okay, well, I'm sure they got one around the corner. They're all over Michigan. It's a big box of cookie powder. It's not powder.

Dax Shepard
It's cookie. It's not crumbled cookies. It's delicious. Full size cookies. Full size cookies with 100 different flavors and flavors of the day.

Fully intact cookies. Soft. They're, like, the downside to that. See, I like cookies now, too. I like everything.

Tiffany Haddish
I like everything. Well, you're a cookie boy. That I am a cookie boy there. And a cookie monster. I can get on all fours and eat your cookies.

D
There's, like, cinnamon toast crunch. Oh, wow. And the downside is there are a thousand calories. Oh. Cause there's so, like, so much going on.

Dax Shepard
Oh, God. Yeah. They're a thing. Speaking of calories. Oh, you know what?

D
They come. They come with a. I'm really calling Ruthie out on all of our, like, fucking bad habits. Habits we've developed lately. Well, she deserves to bring some home.

Dax Shepard
I mean. Yeah, you and I are captain bad habits. That's true. That's true. Yeah.

Yeah. That's very true. She fucking earns it every day. She doesn't need them every day. But this is.

They. You can get a cookie cutter, I think, that's designed specifically for crumble cookie.

Tiffany Haddish
So you just. This is like dungeons and dragons all of a sudden. I feel like. Like it's veering into nerdiness all of a sudden. I can't believe how much I know about it.

Dax Shepard
We was there in cookie cutters, and. It cuts it into four pieces. Now, obviously, you could do that with a knife. Not fast. It would take not that long, but.

D
I think it's to manage your pigginess. You know? I'm a piggy boy. Maybe a quarter every once in a while. Sure, sure.

Dax Shepard
Maybe just slows you down a hit. And if you guys want to know anything more about this company, I'll tell you. I feel like you were paid on the side. You're on. Another reason I came out here.

You got to get this on the air. Forward slash Aaron, best friend Aaron weekly for 10% off, I drive out here in a Lamborghini.

Oh, wow. But, man, I'm not gonna call out the restaurant. Cause it was so fucking delicious. But, my God, we were at a steakhouse. Aaron and Charlie and I, Monday night.

And the calories were on the menu. And I've never seen anything like this. The tomahawk steak was 2400 calories. Yeah. The loaded baked potato was 1500 calories.

The wedge salad we got was 860. Yeah. Just shy of it, 900. That's the salad. Yeah.

We were like. We found the fries were the lowest caloric thing. Yeah. The onion rings. Oh, yeah.

D
Onion rings were better than the salad. Salad or the baked potato. And then the only other thing was the crab legs were 600 calories. But that wasn't including the butter. We got three bowls of butter.

Dax Shepard
Yeah. We had to have eaten six, 7000 calories. My first question, this can't be normal. Like, the first thing I saw looking at the menu was the calories. Like, now this fucking makes you wanna.

D
Not really. I wanna eat everything that we ate when I go to get a steak. Right. And I don't wanna think about it. I know it's gonna be a lot.

Dax Shepard
Exactly. I'll deal with it the next day and eat good. I agree. I don't wanna know that. I don't wanna see that.

Yeah. But that was. It was a lot. We laughed. We're like, there's no way the salad is as much.

Monica Padman
Is that just cause the dressing, it's lettuce and bacon crumble, blue cheese. I mean, the bacon was delicious and fresh. It was an outrageous salad but it was about the same as like a big Mac value meal. Like, it's kind of crazy wise. Yeah.

Tiffany Haddish
Wow. Well, you know, the thing is, it's a California law and it's all about how many locations you have more than a certain amount. I'll tell you, I did this with CPK. I went to CBK. Post, post that law.

Monica Padman
I know. I was like, fuck this. Barbecue chicken salads too, you know? Yeah. Talk about a salad that's like 4000 calories.

Dax Shepard
Yeah. And it's not definitely under that, but it is definitely higher than I was expecting. The one that blew my mind at CBK was the hummus. But this fucking chickpeas. How are we getting up this high?

And I was like, I've not been back, so I guess it's a good lawn that way. But no, I like blindfold. When you go out, tell the waiter you forgot your glasses and ask them. Do not bring the menu. I already know what I want.

Monica Padman
Yeah. I don't like that. It kind of ruins. It ruins the magic of eating out. In this case, it made for a good conversation.

Dax Shepard
It did. Well, mostly it was entertaining. Cause we learned from our server that there's a certain actor that eats there three nights a week, and he is very skinny, and we're like, what is he ordering? What does he order? The onion rings every day?

The menu. Christ. Well, maybe this person does a lot of running, not jogging. We'll cut it out. But it's.

He's so fit. He's very fit. Yeah. Yeah. Three days a week.

Monica Padman
Dang. Eating that fucking menu. This is making me starving. Yeah, it was. I gotta tell you, you want that so bad.

Dax Shepard
That meal we had Monday night was one of the best meals I've ever had. It was really good. In your whole life? It was up there, like, it was so effusive. And there's no way.

Isn't that great, though, that. I do believe that. I know it's cute that you actually think it. I do. But there's no way.

The steak was so good. And we got. We got lamb. We got a rack of lamb. And I slither.

Yeah, we always slit. Maybe the experience, I could see. But the food. Well, both. It was the perfect marriage of, like.

Tiffany Haddish
Funny. I got the same kind of response from Ruthie. She did. Because you told her it was one of the best videos. Yeah.

Dax Shepard
Yeah. But, you know, this is the foundation of Aaron and I's friendship, which, you. Know, was a hurdle for me with you. I know for a while it's not. I have radical acceptance.

Well. And I don't want to be a downer or paint us as a victims. But I have thought a lot about this, because you should have seen Aaron and I at the hotel in Orlando. I don't think any two human beings have ever had more fun at Disney World than Aaron. And.

And I was, like. I was thinking about one of my favorite parts of you, and especially our friendship is, like, you and I can get so excited for anything. And again, not to be a bummer or make us victims, but I do think, like, there are a lot of bad times. So when the good times were good, we were both like, oh, fuck, yeah, and let's feel it. And, like, it's here.

And we're out of that fucking trailer with insanity that's happening there. Now we're in this. But I just think that, by comparison, when the good times happen, I think we really knew how to make the most of them. Yeah. That makes sense.

Yeah. And that's kind of the foundation of our friendship. We get so pumped for the stupidest shit. Fuck, yeah. Yeah.

Monica Padman
That's a great. I think that's a great way to be. I can't take it seriously anymore, ever. When you say things are the best. Or the most, I'm just.

Dax Shepard
I'm racking my brain of one of. I had a better one two punch than that rib eye and those lamb. What about Emily Burger? That for a long time was your favorite. It's good.

It is. It's really good. It's a good meal now. It's no Emily Burger. It's also the best.

Monica Padman
We just have different definitions of best. Well, there's genres. Is it the best taco? Is it the best burger? This was the best steakhouse experience I've had.

Dax Shepard
I think, other than one my date with Makani, which is also the best.

Tiffany Haddish
I am. Okay. Jess and I have this, too, because we've been trying to figure out our top five desserts of all time over the span of our life. And it's hard for me. Like, I'm really thinking about it.

Monica Padman
I have not committed. Like, I won't commit. And, you know, we go to three restaurants in three days, and he's like, these three are on there. And I'm like, no, no further. Yeah, exactly.

Exactly. Yeah. All to say, I don't trust that. Like, oh, yeah, this, this and this that I had last week are the in my top five of all time. No.

And same for you. I can't trust it. But do you, how about this? Have you been burned? Like, if I told you something that was great and then it wasn't.

Dax Shepard
Do you, have you had a Maya experience where I sent you to Olga's in thousand o? No, I liked Olga's. You did send. You did. You did take me to Olga's.

But you're more white trash like me. I do. Yeah. You like a lot of that stuff. You like your garbage food.

Monica Padman
I do. Yeah. We can click domino. We love dominoes. Oh, fuck.

Dax Shepard
What a pie. I do love it. What a pie. I do love it. It's a gourmet pie in a rectangle.

Monica Padman
Sandwich from Burger King. Yes. These are tens. Yeah. But can you think of a time I was effusive about a place or vouched for a place, and you went and you're like, well, that was a fool's errand.

No, no, no. I don't think that's happened. But I just think it's like, not everything can be the best. You know what I think it is? It's my issue.

Dax Shepard
You don't feel safe. I don't. Unless you're the best. Yeah. And that's really sad.

We talked about you're in a nice baggage and that's yours, and that's heartbreaking. Yeah. I want to be the best best friend. I want to be everyone's best, everyone's number one. I want that.

But also, then you can't be replaced or excluded. Of course. Yeah. But also, it is a trust thing. How do I know what you're saying to me?

Monica Padman
Now we're getting deep, and I don't even really mean you. But in general, if everything's the best and I'm also the best, it devalues me immediately. I'm not the best because it means just everything's the same. And I don't. And you know what?

I don't need to be the best. I do. But also, again, if you step into our mindset, which is it is the best. No, it's not like best. Hold on.

Dax Shepard
It'd be one thing if we were saying you're the best, but we didn't mean it or we weren't experiencing it. If we had said this restaurant was the best, but we didn't like it like it. That's scary. But, like, you hook Aaron and I up to a polygraph and ask us if that was the best steakhouse we've ever been to. We're passing that test.

Monica Padman
I know, but that was. That's unsafe to me that you do believe it, and then next week you do believe it, and then that week you do believe it. But the primary thought should just. The most important thing is if we say you're the best, that's true. All that matters is that you're the best.

Dax Shepard
It's true. Well, it's. But inherently, can't you just say you're great? No. Cause you're the best.

Monica Padman
I loved it. It was great. Oh, my gosh. I want to go back. Like, these are things I can wrap my head around.

But, I mean, look, I'm not. It is my issue. It's not your. Either of your issues. But I understand.

Dax Shepard
I fully understand what you're saying. But all that matters to me, it's like if you tell me I'm the. Let's say this, you say to me, Monica, you're the funniest person I've ever met. What's important to me is that you really believe that. Now, if you tell Jess he's the funniest person you ever.

I don't actually care, as long as you were sincere about when you told it to me. That makes me really happy. Okay. Yeah. I just can't.

I'm just not, like, how would that affect you, Sharon? No, I. The same. No. Who, me or him?

Yes, the same.

Monica Padman
Erin, wouldn't you, if I said you were the funniest person I've ever met, and then you saw me the next day tell Jess he was the funniest person, wouldn't you be like, mm hmm, hmm, hmm. I think I would believe that you thought I was the funniest and then. Just set it to just to be nice? Yes. Oh, that's great.

Dax Shepard
That's a lot of confidence. That's interesting. So I think I would believe you. Yeah. I just think if I heard someone.

Sassy Feld would say, you and I are the funniest person she's ever met. She'd say people, and that's more normal. That's a normal thing people would do. But I'm just gonna say here and now, if I heard someone say that, I'd be like, the thing you said, that you're an unpredictable person and you're full of shit. Right?

Monica Padman
Not you. Cause I haven't heard you say that. But I wouldn't like it. But I do. I catch myself in this all the time.

Dax Shepard
But it's not hypocritical. Like, there are several people I think are the funniest comedians alive, and there are. They're in a group of people because. They'Ve hit a level that's not been surpassed. It's like, yeah, it's like a gold medalist.

There's multiple gold medalists. You know, it's like Hussein bolt one year, and then it was another. And I can say to both of them that. Fastest person I've ever met. Yeah.

Or you're the fastest person. That's not true. One of them is faster than the other. I think there are multiple comedians that I don't think one's better than the other, but I think they're the best there is. But can't it just be like, you're one of the best there is, or you're one of the funniest comedians in the world?

Monica Padman
There's a way to frame it where all of that is true, but it becomes immediately not true by verbiage alone. Yeah, I know what you're saying. You know what I mean? Semantically, it's incorrect. Yeah.

Yeah. I guess I'm obsessed with grammar. Yeah. Cause the spirit's more important to me than the semantics of it. Okay.

Dax Shepard
But for the record, Richard Pryor is the funniest comedian that's ever lived. And actually, he is. But also David Letterman's just as funny as him and as good. And the best comedian to ever live, Murray. So those three.

Those three are your favorite comedians of all time. They're. I gotta go. I gotta go. You sign off on that list.

D
I like that list. I mean, Richard Pryor is a given. Yeah. Do you wanna add anyone? Well, to the best of all time, Dave Chappelle.

Dax Shepard
No, he would. He would make. I would call him the best comedian of all time. Yeah, for sure. Sure.

But Richard Pryor, though, is for sure the best of all time. And I think Dave would recognize that as well, that he's the best of all time. And that also Richard Pryor is better. I can't. Gallagher.

Oh, the dice man. Oh, God.

Okay. Well, we solved nothing today, but that's all right. We had fun doing it. Sure did. That's all that matters.

Love you. Love you, love you.

Monica Padman
Love you, love you.

Tiffany Haddish

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1. Early Life and Career

2. Breaking into Hollywood

3. Personal Struggles and Triumphs

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