Synced: The B.E.D.

Monica Padman
Aha. I panicked last night. What'd you panic about? The double date, the turnaround. Did you deliver?

Lizzy Plapinger
I think I have a few options for you. Oh, this is incredible. Okay, so for the listener, this is BTS. We had a really fast turnover for last week's episode. So actually, we're recording this just a few days after we recorded last week's.

Monica Padman
So Liz only had a couple days to make magic happen. I tried to redownload, ping, and, like, I'm bugged out. So honestly, universe is probably like, yeah. Cause that's not the route I want. Well, I was desperate.

Lizzy Plapinger
I obviously don't want it to be all dating apps, but last night it dawned on me. I was like, I gotta put in some work. Oh, this is great. So it's not. It's not ideal.

Monica Padman
My favorite. Yeah, it's not my ideal. Cause I would typically put ten to 14 hours into this, but I had less time, so I just did a lot of reach outs. Okay. And some of them are no longer in LA.

How desperate did you get? I did ask friends that already set me up or don't tend to set me up. I did one reach out, just so you know. Yeah, it didn't pan out. That would be the plot twist.

I know you are the. Oh, my God, I hope I'm not. I don't do a terrible job. That that's what happens. But there was one matchmaking.

Lizzy Plapinger
Heather's boyfriend has set me up a few times and he had talked about this guy and I'd gotten a bad LinkedIn screenshot, but I wasn't insistent around it, and so I circled back and now it's happening. I'm obviously going to make it conditional on him bringing a friend. Oh, my God. But he seems cute. Okay, tell me a little bit about him.

He might be in finance. I don't know. What's the age range? Usually the age range is in the forties. Okay, I like this.

So an older gentleman, and usually he sets me up. Honestly, they're like solid. One of the guys that he set me up with lives in New York and I would have done a turnaround. What do we call that? Coming back to a person?

We should give that a name. A return. A great return purchase. A return purchase. I don't know.

Monica Padman
I mean, return purchase is pretty. Oh, my God, you would do that? I would do that for you. And he's great. But again, if this was a New York episode, no problem.

Lizzy Plapinger
I would have ten people. LA is a little tougher. And anyone who's dated in LA. Knows it's rough. So I have that guy.

I do have a person from a dating app who's 50. I know, a little higher up than we want to go, but seems very cool and interesting. And he's cute and what's his job? Ish. What's the industry?

Industry? Yeah, I know. This is not how I would want things to go. I take this very seriously, you know? And look.

Oh, wait, I have a third one that I'm actually excited. Oh, wait, I have a fourth one, too. So this is me with, like, no time. Okay, first of all, he lives in Malibu, which, like, signifies a certain level of. Oh, no.

Monica Padman
But also way too far away. That's like New York. It is. But remember what we're doing. This one is for you.

This person we're picking is for you. No, this is for you. Wait, what? No, the whole point is that you're picking a person for you and then he's bringing a friend. But to be tbh, I wouldn't be actively, like, pursuing these people.

We need to pick people. The whole point is, well, I think. This is good because sometimes the people that I really wanna go on dates with are kind of toxic. And the ones that I'm like, whatever, they can be healthier. So I think this is good.

Then this goes back to what I just said. So we're picking a person for you and then you will tell them, bring a single friend. Yes. So that guy's an entrepreneur. Seems like we would honestly have a good night.

Lizzy Plapinger
And then there's this danish guy. We have a few friends in common, someone I kind of had a thing with, but I think he teaches him tennis, so it's not like they're friends. Sounds weird. And he's a tennis coach therapist, so. Whoa, hold on.

Which feels super great for us because that's kind of two of our core goals for the summer. Well, it was last summer. A lot of things for us. If we all go on a date together. We can't then take tennis from him if we don't like.

It could be a tennis date. Oh, my God. This would be my dream. It would be a doubles game. You and your date and me and my dad.

Monica Padman
We don't know tennis yet. He's a tennis coach, so he'll teach us. We'll get a free lesson. Oh, boy. You're adding a lot of layers onto an already complex sitch.

I think we need to keep this. This first date dinner normal. Okay, easy. But if we want to pick him, then maybe we could move on. To tennis if we like him.

Lizzy Plapinger
But then it's like, if the date is bad, at least we learn tennis. I don't think we're gonna learn tennis in one date, just FYI. I also think, how will it be a date if we are just playing tennis the whole time? Cause that's the ideal date. You're not focused on the date.

You're focused on the third thing. That's my whole theory about dates. The worst dates are the one where you're like, I only have me to talk about. Whereas, like, oh, we're playing tennis. We're engaging on a third thing that has nothing to do with either of us.

And you're getting to know how they play, how they are in bed. You're seeing. Excuse me. No one in the whole world should judge how I am in the bed based on tennis. That I don't know how to play.

Monica Padman
Absolutely not. Post videos of you playing tennis. Yeah, I don't know how to play. That's the whole point of why you need to take a real lesson. But maybe once you have this, you know, I feel good for guys.

So stressed out by you today. My God. But for guys and sports, any guy who doesn't know how to play sports, that's fine. But when he knows how to play well, you're like, all right. It gives you a sense of how they're gonna be in the bedroom.

Oh, my God. Okay. Is there anything that you, in the wild, seeing a man do that has nothing to do with intimacy or sex? Sure. That when you see them do that, you're like, you're probably great in bed?

Yeah, that's a great question. I guess, to me, if someone's showing confidence in any way, I sort of translate that over, I think. Oh, they're probably confident because they know what they're doing. There's a lot of ways, I guess, to show that. I'm trying to think.

What's a good example? Well, the way that a man walks or enters a room. I mean, more in the way they're treating other people. Like, if they have to one up, I generally think that person's actually insecure. Right.

Lizzy Plapinger
What about. Have you seen the guys doing cooking videos online? Like Ryan's video? No, the opposite. Oh.

Monica Padman
They're, like, really good at it. It's very titillating. They'll slap the salmon and then, like, spit a little bit on the. Ew. Oh, my God.

We're so dumb. Do you know what I'm talking about? Okay, we're gonna. I don't know. What's happening today, I feel.

Lizzy Plapinger
We're not saying. We're not saying today. It's okay. That's gonna happen. But listen, hold on.

Monica Padman
This is really important. I kind of know what you mean. Okay. Because I do think a man who knows how to cook is hot. But I also have the other thing where I think certain men who think they're great at cooking or who are on these videos, spitting on stuff and whatever, that is such a turn off.

They are trying so hard. There's a lot of arrogance in the shafring world. Cause, you know, I'm an Alison Roman gal. She sometimes will say things like, ugh, men who cook love this. And it's always pretentious and trying.

So I'm on her page with that. I think there's two kinds of men and food videos. There are these guys who are intentionally. I mean, it's. I'll show you one of them.

It's on purpose. It's so sexual. Like, it's almost like the food is just an excuse. You're watching and you're like, how is this legal? This shouldn't be.

Lizzy Plapinger
It's so overt. And then there's some videos of guys who'll be like, oh, I found this recipe. I'm gonna make this sandwich. Or like. And they're not trying, but they're so hot.

And then all of the comments will be flooded with women being like, oh, my God. And the guy didn't do it on purpose. But the way he's eating the sandwich. Oh, my God. Is like, Liz, he definitely is doing it on purpose.

No, no, no. He's just better at it than these other guys. No, no, no. It's like a. Send me one right now.

Okay, I'll find it. I think I saved it. I wanna live. Play it. Okay, well, we should do a live reaction to you watching both and posting.

Monica Padman
Oh, maybe that's the social. Yes. Okay, okay, okay. We'll do that. We'll do that.

Where were we? But, like, I was watching. Okay, so you've told me so many times to watch oceans eleven. Oh, yeah. And so I decided to watch it last night.

Lizzy Plapinger
I don't know if it's like I'm ovulating or like something in my cycle, but the amount of shots of Brad Pitt with, like, something in his mouth. Oh, no, that's the whole. Every scene he's eating. It's hot. He's so hot.

He's so hot and eating a lot. And I'm like, is this how men feel? Like those scenes with women and whipped cream or whatever, which I don't get. Or I don't get. I don't.

When it's so overt. It's over the top. And this is not obviously. It's just he's cool and he's like. He is not trying to be sexy, but there's.

Yeah. I was, like, feeling a lot of feelings. What a movie. Did you like it? I loved it.

Monica Padman
Isn't it good? It's really good. I didn't finish it. Oh. But I'm almost.

Lizzy Plapinger
I know. I have really bad add. I don't even know what I started doing, but I'm, like, halfway through, and I really loved it. I will finish it. And I thought it was great.

It's all our favorite guys. It's the hottest guys. Yeah. At their hottest time. They're so good.

Monica Padman
Okay, two things. One, this leads me to. We talked about this on a fact check, but I'm gonna ask you. This is Calli's first date question, and it's really good. Okay.

She asked people. I got the exact phrasing, so I need to figure it out. Go. We text a lot. Okay.

She asked people, if you had to participate in an organized crime, what would be your crime of choice?

Lizzy Plapinger
That feels like a trick question. No, but it would say a lot. It will. Well, we should ask our guys this. But also, you tell me, probably, like.

A chip stealing conspiracy, like, stealing a bunch of snacks. I would be down with that. So just, like, robbing a convenience store. I would want to rob the bad guy, like, the big guys. Okay, so you want to rob Frito lay.

Monica Padman
Yes. And redistribute to the masses. Oh, God. So you're, like, Robin hooding this. No.

Lizzy Plapinger
Okay, well, I'll keep a lot for myself. Purely selfish endeavor. Okay. My dream when I was little was for my parents to own a convenience store. Cause then I could have access to chips anytime I want.

I thought about chips a lot. Yeah. We've been through this. We've talked about this. We've definitely talked about it.

Monica Padman
I don't think we've really gotten deep on it, though. Do we need to? I kind of want to because it's really interesting. Like, what was it specifically about chips? Or what was the moment that you first had a chip?

Lizzy Plapinger
There's home videos of me as a literal toddler where, like, my dad will be filming my sister on the monkey bars, and then he'll be like, Elizabeth. And then it's like, me somehow. I'm not even walking yet, but I've managed to get to the chip bag, and I'm eating chips. He's worried. Cause you can't.

Monica Padman
You'll choke on him. Choke. Or, I mean, many reasons. Or maybe that's my second bag, you know, and I'm two and a half, and even, like, random video, I always have something in my. Like, I'm always eating.

Lizzy Plapinger
I'm snacking. Snacking was like a lifestyle, a definite hobby and safe place for me. I mean, food and particularly snacks became also this big mix. Totally. It was my way to go to.

Monica Padman
My happy place and have control. I think it was happiness and relief. And me and Kat, one of our first crimes, coming back to crimes was going to the bodega, basically our version, and lying to our parents about it and saying, we're just gonna go to the park, and we went to buy chips. Kat was candy, and I was salty, and she was sweet, which was perfect. Cause we never needed whatever the other.

You didn't wanna share. Yeah, there was never any sharing. I mean, this is the sad part of, like, I have memories of being in my room alone a lot and then having a bag of chips and then feeling good, but then feeling bad afterwards too. It was this thing I loved, but that I also loved too much, and I knew I loved it too much. You knew that you had an attachment that was sort of a problem.

Lizzy Plapinger
Woola compulsion that I couldn't stop when I wanted to stop. Okay, but chips end. Yes. And that would be heartbreaking. And then I would be like, oh, I'll save some.

So I have some left, and I wouldn't be able to do it. Right. I mean, again, we've been through this, but, like, I think it's one of the least talked about things that if you grew up with dysfunction, like, you have an eating disorder, like. Like, most likely. Cause it's so available to kids as a form of soothing.

It's a way to take care of yourself. It's a thing you can do for yourself when there's not that much you can really do. It's nourishment. Yeah. And if you're not getting it in other emotional places, I guess that makes sense.

Totally. Did you have an attachment to food or, like, a certain kind of food? Cookies, I guess not really. I also have to credit my parents a bit. I didn't actually think we talked about this in the last episode where you were saying, were you an ingredients family?

Monica Padman
Yeah, we were not. We had all the stuff. We had the fruit roll ups and the dunk. We had it. That's my memory of it, anyway, is there.

Wasn't you just dunkaroos? Oh, my God. In your house at all times? Not at all times. But we had them.

And I choked on a dunkaroo. Oh, my God. And it was really traumatic. Wait, my mom had to, like, kind of Heimlich. It came out before she had the full Heimlich.

Lizzy Plapinger
But. Oh, my God. So that's why you don't have an attachment. Oh, they were jained. And it was like.

Monica Padman
It turned out to be physically dangerous, which sugar is. Wow. Yeah. That's so scary. Was it a vanilla one or a chocolate one?

Chocolate. I'll never forget. And I loved him so, so much. Am I. You able to eat them afterwards?

Lizzy Plapinger
Probably. I probably was. Yeah. I still love cookies. But in my head, I choked on, like, a big chunk of the icing.

Monica Padman
But that doesn't really make sense. It would because it fuses. Or, like, it would be hard. The icing was hard. And so then it's just a lot.

Lizzy Plapinger
I mean, it checks. Then it's. Yeah, it was full. Choking. Like, you can't make noise.

Oh, no, Monica. Yeah, it was scary. Every time I think about that, I am reminded that I need to learn the Heimlich and relearn CPR. Do you want to learn it now? Yeah.

Well, you know how to do it to yourself when you're alone, right? That's very important. Cause as a single woman, I think. You told me, but I kind of forgot. Okay, so to anyone who's listening, if you are choking and you're alone somewhere.

Monica Padman
You grab a book. Preferably like an atlas or, like a. Sorry, no, no one in. Oh, my God. No one in the continental United States in 2024 has an atlas.

Lizzy Plapinger
Okay, you're right. Like a coffee table book. Like something that's just heavy. Heavy. Like, obviously, grab anything that you can.

Or any book that you can. But the larger and the thicker the better. And you put it right at your. Oh, I don't know. Plexus?

Salal. Oh, you're saying solar plexus, but okay. Do you mean, like, right under the boob? Under the first rib? Basically.

I'm like, okay, I wanna make sure I get it. Wait, can you google it? I think you mean sternum button. Sternum. Yes.

Monica Padman
I know. But nobody knows where that really is. So there must be a thing. The breastbone. Do give yourself a hemleck.

Lizzy Plapinger
Just so we have a name. Slightly above your navel. Okay. That's your belly button. Yeah.

Almost like in the middle of your stomach, basically. Okay. Okay. Slightly above your navel, and you place the book there, and then you run in direction of the closest. I mean, a table would be the best.

Even a wall will work. Right? Because then you're basically. You're creating a. A force that pushes it out, and you do it as many times.

Monica Padman
Right. Like, the first time, I not work, but you just keep doing it. I know. Do you think about choking all. I think about it.

Lizzy Plapinger
I do think all the time. Fuck supplements. I have to take so many supplements. And every time I do a prayer, I'm like, all right. Cause I take a bunch of pills.

Monica Padman
Yeah, me too. But I never think about it with supplements. Oh, no. Now I'm gonna. Sorry.

Dax Shepard
To use a fist. Really? Your own fist? Yeah. And then put your hand on it.

Lizzy Plapinger
I think the book is probably better because doing it yourself, you probably can't do it in the same kind of force as you would running into a wall. You want to do a j, basically. I mean, if you're doing the hamlet to someone, you put your fist, and then the hand over your fist, and then you're positioning your fist right above the navel, and then you're doing a j. Like, going inside of them. Like a j.

Right, I see. And you're just doing that as many times. Oh, I know. I hate this conversation. I really don't like it.

And if it's a baby, you want to do the baby. Oh, my God. But if it's a baby. I mean, it's hard to explain, actually. Well, you have to now.

Monica Padman
Okay. Okay. Okay. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. If it's a baby, you wanna. And this is under, I think, two or three, you wanna take the baby and basically put their stomach on your. Forearm, turn them upside down, and you. Have their cheeks in your hand, basically.

Lizzy Plapinger
And you are hitting the middle of their back in sort of a chopping motion. But that's like. What's that? Angled. And you're going pretty hard, and that will create enough force.

Monica Padman
Oh, my God. It's like, how many times can you knock on wood? I haven't even knocked at all. I just feel like, please. But now can I never have to do that?

Lizzy Plapinger
It would be great for you to be there because. No, I don't want to do it. You'd be great at it. Oh, my God, Liz, stop. I get.

Really? Cause I was a lifeguard. Something happens to my brain, which I'm like. I'm not saying I'm the best, but I wouldn't expect myself to be good under stress. And particularly that high level stress.

But for some reason, I become mission impossible. I'm so zeroed in. Yeah, that adds up. That's like when you try to save the woman, you do get in zone. Yeah, in the zone.

Monica Padman
So you've had to do it. I've never had to do CPR, knock on wood.

Lizzy Plapinger
But I've had to intervene. Like people drowning. And one time with Kat, with the two girls that were, like, drowning each other. Ah, yeah. Anyway, I don't know.

Monica Padman
I forget how we got on here. Heimlich, double date, tanker roots. Double date. Double date. But there was something in between.

Lizzy Plapinger
Your crime. Oh, my God. Yes. The crime. The crime, yes.

Monica Padman
And then we'll get back to the double date. So my crime is an ocean's love. And that's what made me think about this, is I want to be part of a big heist where there's multiple people involved. I also really like an art heist. So I kind of want Ocean's eleven in the art world.

Lizzy Plapinger
I would watch that movie. I would watch you. I mean, I would want, like, a live stream camera on you at all times. You would be so good at it. You're very sneaky.

Monica Padman
I wonder what part would I. Who would I be and who would you be in Ocean's eleven? These characters, and they play really different roles. Who do you think you'd be? Man, I really wish I finished it.

Lizzy Plapinger
I'd probably be the manipulative one. They're all manipulative. They're ripping off a casino. They just have different skills. Like, Matt Damon is like a lifter or whatever.

Monica Padman
He can just quickly steal things from people. George is the mastermind. Right. Then Brad is kind of the front man a little bit. And logistics, I mean, they're both kind of logistics.

But then, like, Don Cheadle is the ammunition guy or whatever. Then there's the contortionist. That's the initial thought is like, I'm small, so I could fit into small places, but I think I'm probably better served in a face to face. I feel like you're manipulation. Me too.

I could see you being a kind of contortionist, though. Cause you have to jump from this thing. Oh, actually, no, because when you jumped over that hole and then you didn't land, I would take risks. I am physical. If there was a physical thing, I can get it in the zone and get it done.

I kind of think, like, you could be the amazing yen. I feel like you are, Brad, because you could be in charge of everything. I think I could run logistics. And also, like, you're so smart. I'm still like, no, you are.

Lizzy Plapinger
Like, even in the Dan video, so many people were like, how did Monica know? Like, in the video, you can tell immediately that you knew Dan was lying. And, like, it took me, like, an extra couple of seconds. But, like, your face, like, you just have a spidey sense. Doesn't even begin.

You just know stuff. I feel like before the stuff knows. I agree with you. I think I have a very strong intuition. And I have a strong spidey sense about people.

Monica Padman
I think I can read people and machines, I guess. But you already knew what to do, right? You were like, oh, he's bullshitting. And then you had already made a plan in a matter of fractions of a second. I'm best served where I can be overseeing and then diverting.

Hey, that person feels not right or he's onto us and we gotta pivot. And then creating a new plan. And then everyone's gonna do what you do and it's gonna work. There's also getaway driver. That's not us, I don't think.

Well, definitely not you. No. God, no. I would be so bad as a getaway driver. Remember when we couldn't remember where you parked and we went up and down the hill?

Oh, my God.

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It is. No, it is. I am kidding. But also, you can feel it. I can feel it.

Lizzy Plapinger
You can see, you can tell. I took a shower this morning and was reunited with my Vegamore products. And I was so happy about it. I can tell a lot with my scalp health, which I had never thought twice about, really before. But once I started using Vegamore, I can really tell that's not flaky.

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It feels hydrated. I love their grow revitalizing scalp massager. I use it with the serum so that it really goes deep. Yes. And it feels so good.

It's like a head massage. It is. It's incredible. We talked about this a little bit that after the egg freezing, I felt like my hair was really thinning out and dry. It was just the hormones were really changing it.

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Lizzy Plapinger
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Anywho, okay, so back to our double date. So we have a danish tennis therapist, an entrepreneur, an older entrepreneur who was the LinkedIn guy. Someone who's on LinkedIn. And then you had a fourth one. Well, I have a fourth one.

Lizzy Plapinger
That would be a twist, but it's a woman. Oh. And she would obviously have to bring a guy, and that could become funny. That's interesting. Is she on one of your dating apps?

She's on my dating app, and I've for years, kind of ignored. That's a twist. I like it, though. I mean, we know it's gonna be a better date for you with a guy. There's more chances of it being a bad time, of you getting offended by something they're gonna say or they're not asking you questions or.

Whereas, with a woman. Do you wanna date this woman? Maybe. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm, like, interested. We have a lot to choose from. We could do all four.

Monica Padman
And remind me about the danish tennis guy. He was from an app as well. He's from an app. We have all these friends in common. Oh, right.

Lizzy Plapinger
One of them being someone I was involved with. You know, when you see the friends in common and it's like a green flag, you're like, oh, these are cool people. Cool people. I don't know. He's danish.

I just feel like it's fun. All right. I mean. But I also like the idea of the older entrepreneur he's been recommended to. That's the LinkedIn guy.

Monica Padman
Oh, do you wanna do three? Let's pick one today. Let's start with one. I think we should start with the LinkedIn guy. Yeah, the friend of your friend.

Okay, great.

LinkedIn guy.

Just cause he has a profile. He does have an Instagram, but it's private. Like, he's not really on Instagram, which, to me is, at this point. Yes. Like, the best.

Lizzy Plapinger
And so it's kinda cool that he's on LinkedIn. LinkedIn is where we get the most info about him. He's a LinkedIn influencer. Let's move forward with LinkedIn. Should we use LinkedIn as, like, a dating app?

When you think about it, that's all the information we need. I like personality stuff. I don't like just knowing where someone works. I know, but. Okay.

Monica Padman
I mean, you can. You can use it. I've logged out. I can't get into my LinkedIn. How will we reach him?

Lizzy Plapinger
We're set up. Yeah. Yeah, we set up.

Monica Padman
This is dead in the water. We lost our platform. Okay, great. So, TBd on date with LinkedIn guy and friend. Did we hit all our pins?

You're in a chip scheme. I'm art heist. Would you enjoy being a criminal if it was available to you? So Callie and I talked about this. She has a fantasy about this a little bit.

She finds this very romantic. Oh, the idea of organized crime or being a part of something naughty. But I don't generally think of it as exciting or cool or fun. Cause I'm scared. I'm a scared person.

Lizzy Plapinger
You don't be breaking the rules. I don't. But that's why when it's an ocean's eleven, it's like a big friend event, and then I like it. If it's an ensemble cast, then I enjoy that. A solo Dever is not for me.

Monica Padman
It's just. Nothing's worth it. Right? The whole fun of it is to do it with your pals. You'd chip seal by yourself, probably.

Lizzy Plapinger
I mean, I shoplifted right? By yourself. Well, I did it with friends. It started with a friend, and then I kind of did it on my own and got caught with cat. And cat didn't know.

Monica Padman
Was it chips? It was.

Lizzy Plapinger
I wish it would. You didn't even steal what you wanted. And it was hair clips, so. Very 1999 core. Was it from Claire's?

It was, yes. Our version is ardennes. Yeah, I know. I still shop there now. Like dunkaroos.

I went right back, but I'm torn. Cause it doesn't. It actually, the fact that I shoplifted doesn't make sense to me. I don't think. I love breaking rules.

Oh, my God. I had a boyfriend that kind of shoplifted. Now I'm like, I did not think about that for a long time. It was like, the very. In my twenties, I was in a very serious relationship.

Someone who would kind of engage in a lot of rule breaking in a way that was, like, again, made sense afterwards. Abuse your past? Yes. It was an abusive relationship, and it made me very uncomfortable. Cause even when I would ask him, please don't.

It really stresses me out because I literally got caught. He would still do it. It stressed me out so much. And I think the shoplifting thing is that I was so young. Like, I would never do it now, ever.

You would have to. Even if you paid me. I don't think I would take the risk. But there was something about that age where I think I just literally. I don't know, there was, like, a big misunderstanding of the consequences.

Monica Padman
But did it. You get a little high from it? Oh, my God. I loved it. It started just like, oh, cool.

Lizzy Plapinger
I got away with it, and then I got addicted to that. This is interesting, because I don't think of you as a rule breaker or anything, but I think you do. You like unknown situations. Yeah, that's true. Hence the double date.

Right? Like, it doesn't not add up. Look, if I were recruited, if someone was like, we're gonna do this, you're not gonna have to worry about rent. If someone pitched me on it and that I like them, I would probably. Yeah, I think you.

First, I'd be scared. And then if we did it once and it went well, and I like. And, like, probably just keep doing it, I wouldn't want, like, people to get killed. I could probably justify, in my mind, if we were stealing from people who deserve big corporations, who deserve to be. Even though I.

You disagree? I disagree. Me and you aren't. We feel differently on this, but that's okay. What if you find out, though, that I have a big stake in Frito life?

Monica Padman
Like you ruined my life? Oh, I wouldn't like that. No, you don't know who you're affecting. It could be someone. Someone else's.

Monica. You're right.

Lizzy Plapinger
I mean. Oh, hello. Perfect. Here we have a guest in the attic. What are you guys doing up here?

Monica Padman
We're recording. No, I know. Oh, we're talking about organized crime. Oh, my gosh. One of my favorite topics.

Remember on a fact check, we talked about this, and I couldn't figure out the phrasing. Callie's first date question. Oh, yeah. And the phrasing is, if you were a part of an organized crime, what would it be? Or organization.

Not necessarily. So you went mob? Yeah, of course. You know, I went art heist. Liz is in a big chips.

She's stealing from Frito lay. I think we have to close the. Is the door closed? Oh, maybe it never closes now. Oh, man, this place is really falling apart.

Dax Shepard
The empire's crumbling. No, it's. This is the late days of Rome. Maybe somebody else's organized crime is to take us down. A lot of people would be incentivized.

Lizzy Plapinger
Sure. Anyways, she's taking down frito lays. I got kind of excited that you were saying she had just co opted the plot of chips. Oh, sorry. And I would have felt very flattered by that.

Dax Shepard
Yeah, but now we're just talking regular old potato chips. Sorry. But don't be careful. They're a big part of her life. Is that your very favorite food group?

Lizzy Plapinger
Yes. That was how I got immediate relief and, like, happiness and connection regulation. Yeah. Okay. I feel like I had that via tv.

Monica Padman
But did you have full access to tv all the time? No. And even the fact that you had access to Dunkaroos is Dunkaroos. Dunkin donuts? No, it's the snack food.

It had a little bit of icing and then these small cookies in the shape of dinosaurs. They were called dunkaroos? Yes. Oh, and you were encouraged to dunk them in milk. Is that the reason why?

No, in the icing. In the icing. Oh, okay. Sorry. The icing was separate.

Dax Shepard
I thought it was already on. No, you would dip it, and it was called a snack, but it was really just a dessert. But I have a theory that the kids who weren't allowed to have sweets in the house or chips or dunkaroos. It became this contraband. Like, it became the drug of choice.

Monica Padman
Because it was like forbidden fruit. I can have it. And so maybe that's why you don't think. It's like, if you have a bag of chips in front of you, you can think about something else. I can't.

Lizzy Plapinger
Cause I'm like, oh, my God, they're chips. I relate deeply to that. Cause we would be with my mom at my house for two weeks straight. We had a gallon of milk, and then you got a box of cereal for those two weeks, you had to make it last. No soda, no chips, no cookies.

Dax Shepard
We go to my father's house, who was a bachelor, and it was just stocked full of every soda, every chip. We were allowed to order pizza. So my brother and I were, like people exiting the desert after months and months, and we, like, learned to eat that way, right? Oh, shit. It's a scarcity mentality.

Devour. And he and I both have this capacity to overindulge in a way that I think has to have something to do with that. Or we go to my grandparents and they had the same kind of loot. Wow. And you have no scarcity mentality with she's abundant food.

Monica Padman
I don't really, also, because I, as we've talked about so many times, I'm extremely wasteful. So if I don't finish something, I feel in my head, I can buy this again tomorrow. I don't have to eat this right now because I can have it again tomorrow if I want, unless I'm in another state. So, like, when I'm in New York, I eat so much more than I do when I'm home because it is scarcity mentality. I can only have this restaurant when I'm in New York.

It's so rare, so I have to eat all the pasta. You have acute scarcity, and we have chronic scarcity. Right? I think I have practical scarcity, but it's like, it actually is true. Is true, right?

Lizzy Plapinger
You're not gonna come back. Exactly. Cause I. At dinner in New York, you were kind of going to my pace, and I was like, oh, my God, this is so exciting. We were sharing fries and eating cake, and you got all the desserts, and I was like, oh, my God.

I don't feel like I'm eating the entire thing and I gotta slow down. I think this is dysmorphic. You order small, you ordered, like, taquitos. I ate quick, and I eat like it's about to fall off the table. As someone who's eaten with you a lot, I've never felt that, ever.

That's funny. I feel that. And I wonder why you feel that. It must come from old days. I'm a little self conscious when we're sharing things.

Cause you don't. You're, like, gonna take one bite and then talk for 4 hours. And then I'm like, this is gonna be embarrassing where I'm gonna overeat, and then she's gonna notice. And, like, I. Well, also maybe I wonder if we share this, which is like, monica.

Dax Shepard
If you're sharing any given dish with somebody, it doesn't enact this, like, panic, does it? Like, if you're sharing. If there's, like, eight pieces of pizza. In fact, that's a bad example. Cause clearly both people get four.

It's when something's kind of juicy goosey, or you're taking scoops out of something. Or it's artichoke dip. Yes. When you're sharing, do you start thinking like, oh, fuck, I gotta get my share. I generally don't have that again because I know if I didn't get enough, I can say, can we get one more artichoke dip?

Monica Padman
Can we get one more? And I pay normally in these cases, so I feel fine about that. But for the most part, I don't have that. My brother, actually, with him, I have it. So I was gonna suggest that.

Dax Shepard
So your sibling was so much younger than you. You were so dominant. My brother was five years older. So it was like someone shot a starter pistol, and it was like, go. And he could out consume me, and I wasn't gonna get my share.

And it was unjust. But I do want to enter yet another thing into this debate, which is my children, who, if any, two people have grown up in abundance, it's them. There is always multiples of anything they would ever want. But Delta has it. If Lincoln goes and grabs a fry off her plate, she's like, you have to ask me.

Like, she panics. Is that more a respect thing, though? We talk about it quite a lot, and she shares her feelings, which, you know, she's quite articulate at doing. And no, she has this genetic scarcity thing. So it's interesting.

Monica Padman
Me. My sister is the same thing. I'm Delta and my sister's Lincoln. All of you are talking about birth order as well. Sure.

Dax Shepard
Right. Younger. That, I think, has something to do with it. But also, Delta is not scarcity mentality at all. When it comes to money or if she shares shit all the time, she's always giving off her little squishy.

Monica Padman
She's not hoarding of the things she cares about, specifically food. Yeah, I was gonna say, I don't think those things are mutually exclusive, because I would think of myself as quite generous and sharing as well. But food? Monica, what you were saying? Like, yeah, I'll order an artichoke dip, and then if I need another one, I'll order that.

Dax Shepard
That's very logical. Clearly, I could do that too. Weirdly, here's how I have to do that. I actually have to do that beforehand. So if I'm gonna go through drive thru and I want french fries, and I ask everyone in the car what they want, and no one wants fries, I say, if you guys are gonna start asking for my fries, I'd rather just buy you fries.

No, we're not gonna want them. I know they're going to. So I preemptively order two fries I can't, like. So if I even had the inkling that someone was gonna eat more than half of the spinach artichoke dip, I'd have to order two from the get go. Cause I can't even be at ease while it's happening.

Lizzy Plapinger
I did that literally on Friday. I wanted fries. I was at this group dinner, and I ordered two. Cause I was like, I don't want. And then they didn't even eat their fries.

And again, I was like, I don't understand how you don't like their fries in front of you and don't eat them. And so I ended up eating both. How about this? I'm such a routine person. So in the morning, I brew my coffee.

Dax Shepard
It sits with lid on it while I meditate. And then I'm allowed to start drinking it as I start journaling. And I'm only allowed that one cup of coffee in that sitting. And occasionally, Kristen will walk by, and she'll smell the coffee, and she'll go, oh, can I have a sip? And I go, sure.

Monica Padman
Oh, my God. And you guys, I know, I know, I know. It's insufferably painful, because she takes a sip, and I'm like, the whole thing's fucked up now. It's already not enough. I'm already on a diet for the coffee, and now it's less than even the.

Dax Shepard
And it's. Oh, my God. You hear, right? I know you do. I'm telling it, knowing.

Monica Padman
I know, I know. Yeah, yeah. It's because. And this is across the board of everything. We're talking.

It's a stranglehold on life. It's like, oh, my God, if this goes even slightly off kilter, the whole thing's fucked up. That's not reality. Things go off kilter all the time. Everything's fine.

Dax Shepard
That is an objective truth. But I'm saying you gotta practice. Well, surely, like, loosening. I hope I've gotten better. But again, if you grow up and a lot of really unexpected turns are happening all the time and your baseline is expecting the shoe to drop and for some crazy step backwards to happen, you start getting really controlling about these little things, and you get very superstitious.

Athletes are all this way. Any endeavor where there's a high probability of failure, I think you get increasingly more controlling and superstitious. I get where it comes from. Yeah, yeah. And I have compassion for that tons.

Monica Padman
But also, now, you know, it's just. About transcending all that. Yeah. Like, that's always. Yeah.

Dax Shepard
I don't desire to have my morning ruined by giving someone one sip of my coffee. Like, I see the absurdity, and it's not comfortable, and I don't. I'm not proud of this behavior, but it's also. That's what happens. I don't think Kristen does this, but certain people do trigger these very specific emotions.

Monica Padman
And so, like I said, my brother will trigger something that no one else on earth will trigger. And he does that when we're at, like, a dinner and he's just eating off the shared thing and not paying attention at all to the amount everyone else is getting. I have my own story about him. He's not paying attention. He's not conscientious.

Exactly. Which he is. But I have this idea about him from being a child, a baby. Yeah. That is not fair to him.

That I project in all of our circumstances and all of our interactions, and I have that with some other people in my life as well. So it's not really how I feel blanketly, but certain people will just shine a light. Yeah. And food is so, like, primitive. That's the part that feels maybe uncontrollable or it reveals kind of the most primitive parts of us.

Lizzy Plapinger
I mean, with sex, it's the number one. Food is more important than sex. Right. Like, you'll die out of food before you die from not having sex. But speak for yourself.

Dax Shepard
It's kind of a funny joke. Monica, it's fine. You know what I learned this week? Of all of the senses, touch is the only one that is necessary for survival. You won't die if you lose your sight.

Lizzy Plapinger
Or obviously it can create obstacles, but touch, you will die. It's like the most essential. How did this conversation start? About the. Oh, it was the Callie question.

Yeah. Yeah. That's a good first date question. Look what happens.

Monica Padman
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They're so sleek. The styles on article are amazing. Then they have a bunch of different ones, mid century, modern, coastal, industrial, scandi and boho. So you can really match to your style. Yeah.

Lizzy Plapinger
When I moved to LA, went on article immediately for all the outdoor furniture. Like, I had this little virtual designer and she recommended so many things on article. And then once I was there, I just saw the whole website and it was the end. I mean, it's just. It's very stylish.

Monica Padman
It is. Yeah. And it's amazing because it's a perfect balance between style, quality and price. Yeah. You're never gonna see anything that.

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Dax Shepard
This is the perfect place to ask. Cause it feels very gendered. Murder. Very gendered. Yeah.

When you think of these crimes that you might commit, does the thought of killing a very, very bad person, is it undesirable, neutral or desirable? How bad are they? What have they done? Like Hitler, Stalin, Putin. Right.

Now, when you present me with the notion, like, when you say to me, Dax, we've arranged this, you can go into a eight by eight room with Vladimir Putin. You have an hour and nothing will be held against you. I'm very excited about that proposition. I would love to kill that man and get him the fuck away from all the humans that he's destroying. Like, I actually desire that, in a way.

I would desire any other pleasurable thing. And I'm wondering if you guys have that gear. I mean. I mean, I want them. There are people I wish were no longer living.

Monica Padman
Do I wanna be the person doing it? I have no desire for that, the act of killing. What if it's you hit a sword, undesirable, and like, a comically big cartoon, anvil falls on his head and you just had to hit the sword? I just know it does not matter how bad a person is. If I know I'm responsible for anyone's death on this earth, that would be hard for me.

Dax Shepard
In my mind, it's so clearly framed, I'd be responsible for saving literally a million people. There's a very few acts you could do in life where you'd be saving a million people. I know I want that. I want somebody else to do it. Wow.

Lizzy Plapinger
Even if you think about the person you hate the most in the whole. Entire world, I don't hate very many people. Or what if, like, it was, like, my rapist, or, like, someone had done harm to Delta. Delta. What if, like, a man had hurt Delta?

Cause that, to me, like, triggers that bear mind. Well, if I saw it, I would kill them. If I could stop a thing with a murderer, with a murder, if I was, like, walking in on that and I could kill the person, yes, I would. But it's like, after the fact. Cause I just really just rather them just go to jail for life.

Dax Shepard
I remember having an audition for the last airbender, one of these movies. I hadn't read any of the books, and I didn't understand any of it. And the vernacular was so Sci-Fi I didn't know what I was saying. I could not relate. But it was a moment where I had caught the person and I was basically gonna torture them, right?

And none of it made sense. I couldn't figure out how to do this. And then all of a sudden, I just had the idea, and this was before Osama bin Laden had been killed. I was like, ooh, what would my disposition be like if I was in a room with Osama bin Laden tied to a chair? And I realized quickly, it would be elation.

I would enjoy so much that I have you. And then I was like, oh, I kind of understand how to do this. But anyways, in thinking of that, I was really kind of recognizing that there are certain people that it'd be beyond just doing a service. I'd actually be quite excited to exact justice on them. Me too.

Lizzy Plapinger
I mean, I also like revenge. Jonah Nolan was here, and he was saying, like, one of the most classic archetypal american stories we love is revenge. That's why he wrote memento. It's a bad side of us. It also is weird coming from you.

Monica Padman
Because I feel like the reason I'm not like that is because of being close to you over time, understanding people in a different way and that everyone has a reason they are the way they are. I put a lot less blame on people in general, so I don't have this sense of, like, they're innately bad or I should enact revenge on this person. I'm like, I'm lucky that I'm not. I just feel more gratitude now. And it's definitely from knowing you.

Dax Shepard
I'm happy to hear that. And by the way, no, no, no. But listen, I think we're still in lockstep. Like, I am actually not in favor of a punitive jail system. Yeah.

That we're not trying to rehabilitate them or we're not removing them just for the safety of other people. But there's this third category, which is like, we're going to make them suffer because they made us suffer. I actually disagree with that, and I agree with you. There's, like, on this huge spectrum of personality types or people types on planet Earth. Yeah, 97% of them.

I'm not judgmental of, and I'm not seeking justice or revenge, but I definitely believe that there is a set of people whose true objective is to cause as much suffering and pain and annihilation. And the protector in me goes like, that person has to be removed. I am with you on. I want that person removed. But would I get personal pleasure?

Monica Padman
No. And would I even get, oh, God, this is gonna sound so good. This is gonna be good. And people are probably gonna be mad at me for this, but it's the truth. When Osama bin Laden, when he was killed, I was relieved.

Dax Shepard
They couldn't plot anymore against it. Exactly. And I was really glad that Obama carried that out. But I was on a plane, we, like, landed, and they announced it. It was cheering.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not my reaction to that. Right. It felt like a coliseum style a bit. I know evil, but I don't believe in evil deeply.

Monica Padman
So it's hard for me to just rejoice. I just will never rejoice over someone's death, even if I hate them. That's a good quality. Maybe. Now that I'm thinking about it, there's a sense when everyone is in that mode, everyone's cheering over someone's demise.

There's always a sense of what if that was me, or that could be me. And of course it can. I'm not gonna not kind of like Osama bin Laden. You have so much empathy. You would, like, identify.

Dax Shepard
You're very much onto something because scares me. Because implicit in the cheering was he was other. It would have been more complicated. Like, I don't think people, when Timothy McVeigh was killed, they didn't cheer. They should have.

So if I were you and I were brown in this country, I'd go, that's a little adjacent to them getting into a crowd mentality and going, you know what? All these brown people. Exactly. Like, at any moment, could everyone decide to turn on him, right? And even there was criticism when they killed Gaddafi, there was criticism, like, just the photos that were released of him bloody like that.

Lizzy Plapinger
If it had been a white man, they wouldn't have published these kinds of accounts. And there's a dehumanizing quality to it. And again, cheering. I understand the impulse well, in a. Way, we're doing what they did to us.

Monica Padman
Exactly. We're not being the bigger person. There's a hypocrisy as well. They cheered death and now we're cheering. Yeah, that's a really good point.

Dax Shepard
I think I was lucky in this way. I was in Bleecker street pizza, whatever that is, 7th and Bleecker street or something. All of a sudden, we heard cheering from, like, a bar next door. And so my first thought was like, oh, someone just won the Stan Lee cup or some football game. Someone won something.

Yeah, yeah. It started spreading, and it started spreading to such a degree that we left bleaker street to go look at the tv from where I was standing, I don't know, 30 blocks from the attack. I loved it. It felt like, for New Yorkers, it was this very cathartic release of, oh, good. That person did pay for the pain they caused all of us.

And I guess I didn't even let myself imagine it was happening around the country. Of course it was, now that you say it or on an airplane. But for me, I was, like, in New York, I was happy for those people. It was like this huge release they had been carrying that this person was still out there. What you just said is interesting, right?

Monica Padman
Like, there were people that cheered when the towers went down. And that's just their circumstance. Like, a lot of people are born into some crazy circumstances that lead them to this place where they're excited about a takedown of us. And then, I don't know. Where were you when Osama bin Laden was killed?

Lizzy Plapinger
In Denmark. I thought, what is 2000? No. So I was in London and I don't really. You weren't in the United States?

Yeah, not yet everyone was talking about it there, but. Or maybe I feel like I was on a greyhound bus on my way to, like, I was in transit. And I remember seeing there were, like, celebrations outside the White House or something. Right. Like.

And then the situation photo, but there was no cheering. I think that was very american. People are shying. USA. USA.

Outside the White House. I feel like I remember that and thinking, that was weird. Also, like, you didn't do, like. I don't know. Yes.

Monica Padman
It became sports. It was us against them. Anyway. Okay, I think we should do some questions. Yeah.

Okay. This is relevant with our guest. How do I adapt to my newly sober bestie who not only changed the vibes but also triggers me? This is from Emily. Hi, Liz.

And Monica, longtime listener, first time caller. I'm writing for help with an evolving relationship. I have a kindred spirit friendship that is going on ten years now. She's a fellow Libra and someone who I met and instantly connected with deeply. We were like sisters, and our convos were always so intense and mostly healing.

Over the past four years, she's gone through some trauma on her side and as a result, has decided to stop drinking. She's the first to admit she had no problem with the hooch, but thought she'd give it up to see if that helped her overall mood, marriage, and mental state. I'm proud of her for doing this, but also have to admit our hangouts have changed. Having wine and gabbing was a big part of our friendship, but not the center of it. We were always going on adventures, traveling, and seeing concerts, but now everything feels a bit more muted.

She shares less, leaves early. In some ways, seems to act a bit superior for not drinking. I feel triggered by this and a bit judged. I have a great casual relationship with drinking, so I can't envision why someone would give it up if they didn't need to. A Sunday Funday is a blast, but I also have sober family members, so I should be cool with this.

That said, why am I so sad that I may never have another cocktail with her again? Am I rude in feeling it's performative? I know I should be supportive, but things have changed and I feel sad about it. I miss her old hangs. Am I a total dick?

No, you're not a total dick. No. It's hard when major pieces of a friendship shift. I've thought about this. Me too.

Although we drank and then you stopped. Yeah. Do you think it changed our hangs? It didn't change it for me, but I was like, is she still gonna wanna hang out as much. This might be wrong, but I felt like maybe I didn't get invited as much if you guys were going out more in group, not one on one, but I was like, oh, they're getting drinks, and so then they're probably not gonna invite me.

Lizzy Plapinger
I think you get invited, maybe less. My, like, gut reaction to that is maybe she wasn't that interested like that. It seems like you really liked her when she was drinking, and now you might just not get along. She might not be as interesting as you thought she was. Because if I'm drinking or not drinking, it didn't change my relationships, and it surprised me, actually.

I thought I would be having less fun, but I wasn't. But you stay out, even for you. Don't you think it changed? You leave when you're ready to leave, which is at a normal time, earlier than people who are drinking. For sure, you're getting further and further adrift in the experience that people are having.

Dax Shepard
But it took me ten years. To do what? When you met me? I did. Well, maybe not ten years, maybe six or seven years.

I felt this obligation to hang as late as I always did and prove that I hadn't become lame or this or that. And it was Andrew Penne who I became friends with him, and Andrew has never drank in his life. So, like, observing how he's, like, the bar is a terrible hang after 09:00 p.m. I don't want to be there. Everyone's repeating themselves, and they're, like, really effusive, and they don't even mean it the next day.

And to see the clarity by which he was evaluating the situation without any of the baggage, I was like, oh, yeah, that's the anatomic truth of this situation. I no longer need to feel like I've become a stick in the mud, because it's not enjoyable to me. The thing I hear most in there, and I hope she doesn't feel attacked by this, is I feel judged. She's superior. Those are your issues.

So if your friend stopped eating vegetables and every time you were out you were eating vegetables and she wasn't, you would never feel judged by it. You would never feel like she thought she was superior, because, you know, your truth is, vegetables are nothing to feel ashamed of. So to me, it's a little bit telling that you would so easily feel judged or that someone could feel superior. It makes me have a little suspicion that you yourself aren't dead certain on your conviction about it. That makes sense to me.

Monica Padman
But it can feel odd to be drinking when somebody else is not. It does feel like there are more eyes on you. Like, I've noticed that. Not with you. But if I'm around people who are sober or not drinking and others are, I'm hyper aware of their, like, kind of clocking.

Dax Shepard
Nobody's really even thinking about your drinking unless they themselves have some really complicated situation with it and they have recently quit and they're struggling with it. But, like, I have no idea what glass of wine you're on. I never think in my head, ever, oh, she's drinking or she's not drinking. I don't think about it at all, but I think it's quite easy to feel like or assume other people are thinking that. It's just really presuming to know a lot about what the other person's thinking.

And if you guys are best friends of ten years, you should be in a place that you could say, I'm feeling really judged, or that you feel superior and you can have this talk. My hunch is she's going to go, no, I'm just not on that elevated dopamine level with you, so I'm not as effusive. But nothing's going on. I do think that there's something going on. Maybe it's extremely online, there is this superiority with I became sober, and, you know, they're sort of, like, pushing it on you.

Monica Padman
Callie's sober. There's, like, a new thing, and you can totally not drink, and that's awesome. And it's great that it's had all these amazing effects in your life. You're not saying you should do it, too, but the subtext is that you're better and what you're doing or you're choosing to do is sort of better than other people. So maybe there's an air of that going on.

Lizzy Plapinger
Maybe she's taking it in from the culture, but it's not specific to that friendship. I mean, I think it's, like, an interesting question. It is. Like, should people be encouraging other people to be sober? No.

Monica Padman
Well, I don't think your person is. But just now we're on a different interesting tangent. And again, we are filling in some blanks. Like, if someone's posting day 39 of sober, my skin's never looked better. But you are interpreting that as them telling you you should do it.

Dax Shepard
But unless they're saying everyone should do this, or I don't know why people do this, you are just inferring a lot. So it gets really tricky I think we're really susceptible to feeling judged and feeling less than. But I think that's because we're all judging ourselves quite harshly and we're really hard on ourselves. But also. But just getting back to her feelings, I think it's totally, totally normal to be sad when a friendship dynamic changes.

Oh, yeah. It's extremely disturbing. Like, it scary. It's scary. It shakes the foundation of your life.

Monica Padman
It's hard. I really sympathize with that. And maybe talk to her and it gets resolved and it's fine. But if you are feeling uncomfortable drinking around her, maybe that isn't the person you go to drinks with when they can't drink. Like, you don't invite your friend to your bowling league if they don't bowl.

Exactly. And do other stuff that is still fulfilling to both of you, where you're not going to get triggered in this way. I've told you the story. When we were all at Aaron's house and they ran up to get beer, we were probably 23 or four out in the middle of nowhere. And then.

Dax Shepard
And two of the dudes came back on foot, and they're like, we got pulled over. Aaron got arrested for DUI. And my truth in that moment was, oh, no, Aaron's gonna quit drinking. Yeah. This is what happens.

You get a DUI and you quit drinking. He called from the police station so we could pick him up. And I'm like, you okay? Yeah. Pause, and I go, are you gonna quit drinking?

And he goes, fuck, no. I was like, oh, my God. Thank God. Yeah, I'm gonna come pick you up. I mean, that's the truth of where I was at, which is, like, this is our thing.

This is a big part of our foundation now. With all that said, I was sober, or I had not drank for 15 years while he still did. And we still talked and hung out and loved each other. Definitely. We couldn't go down these roads we had in the past.

And then, whatever. Now he's sober, so who knows? But I remember having a full panic about his DUI, selfishly. Just that he was not gonna drink anymore. Like, okay, if I decide to stop drinking, how is that gonna affect some of the relationships in my life that involve a lot of drinking?

Lizzy Plapinger
It's real. It is real. And it will affect. Yes. Like, that's just the truth.

Monica Padman
So I think it's okay to be sad and you're not a dick. It sucks when things change and friendships morph all the time. It's hard. Right? Okay, let's do one more.

Dax Shepard
I like this format. Really good questions. Really. Hey, y'all. Really great questions.

Lizzy Plapinger
Such a gift. Oh, is it a sexy one? No, it's kind of funny. Okay. Do I tell my partner that I don't like his new laugh?

Monica Padman
This is from Katie. New laugh. This is from Katie. Hi, Liz and Monica. Thanks for reading.

Your show is so special and helps me feel connected to a long distance bestie. We both listen and then share our thoughts regularly. Aw, that's so sweet. Anyway, I'm happily partnered with my boyfriend of four years. We just bought a house together, and I feel truly grateful to know and to be able to love him.

He's incredibly smart, thoughtful, funny, and attractive. However, I've noticed in the last few months that his laugh has changed and that it sounds exactly like his best friend's laugh. They spend time each week on the phone while playing video games, et cetera, and I think he's unknowingly started to parrot take on this new characteristic more and more over time. I don't like the laugh, maybe because it sounds less genuine or maybe because it's a very distinctive sound and reminds me of his friend. Do I tell him?

How do I bring it up without hurting his feelings or being rude about his friend? Xoxo. Appreciate any advice you can offer. Do you know, Monica, one in 20 of the comments that I read on our feed are about people going, at what point did Monica and Dax develop the same laugh? I read it today.

Dax Shepard
Yeah. People are like, when did their laugh become the same laugh? Oh, that's weird. I don't notice that at all. I don't either, but I can't imagine one in 20 people are lying.

Monica Padman
I think I have different laughs. Remember when we had Jimmy Fallon on and he said I had multiple laughs and he could, like, do them? Oh, wow. Your laughs have multitudes. My laugh often has changed over the years with, again, who I'm hanging out with, and I'll notice it, and I think it's so cute.

Lizzy Plapinger
It is. It's beautiful. It's so cute that you start laughing. Like you're sharing a language. Yeah, I know, but I'm gonna take.

Monica Padman
Okay. I could definitely see myself being rubbed, really the wrong way by this situation, even if it's in a new lap that I find actually just sounds annoying. That's gonna be hard for me. But also, I would feel what you're saying, dax, like, you're just becoming another person so easily. You're taking on this other person's trait, and it is a little scary, and it's a little, like, unattractive when someone is so malleable.

And it's like, who are you, though? If your laugh can change just from being around that person or if you're. Because this happens a lot too, right? Where you're around someone a lot and you start taking on each other's words and phrases you get the famicom going. Famelect.

Yes, that's wendy's word. But it's sweet if you're in it. But it is not sweet if you're on the outside of it. Well, for one, you might feel left out. That could be a piece of it.

Dax Shepard
I think it speaks to your insecurity of going, like, oh, this person's forming a special thing with somebody. They're evolving to match them. They're not evolving to match me. Yeah. Well, would you agree with this?

The perfect human that doesn't exist but the totally self actualized, very self confident. Their own self esteem. A laugh is a laugh. I don't know that you can say one's annoying. No, some are annoying sounding.

Listen, some people have objectively insane laughs. But when you love them, you actually love it. That's true. I don't think you could ever say, objectively, a laugh is better. That's right.

Monica Padman
Yeah. It's like, what's attached to it? And I think for you, Monica, that makes so much sense. I could definitely see how you. That that would be a reaction.

Dax Shepard
Because it's scary that this person who. You think it is. Well, I think you have baggage around. When is the shoe gonna drop? An unstable environment.

Monica Padman
Yeah, I do too. Not in my family home. Yes. You desire great security. I had a lot of when am I gonna get.

Get dropped? When am I going to get excluded? When am I going to. And at any moment, it can happen. And so I also walk through the world with that same thinking.

And so I need safety. I need security. I need to know predictability is the person. If all of a sudden they start laughing weird and saying weird stuff. It makes me feel unstable.

Dax Shepard
1000%. And I'm totally sympathetic to it and compassionate. I just think it's really fun. It's really. I love hearing the questions and I love talking about them because when they're not your issue to me, they feel very clear.

And it reminds me, it's like all my issues with other people are my issues. They're my insecurities, really. People's behavior is so neutral. There's a whole episode of friends about it. Yeah.

Lizzy Plapinger
Chandler's laugh. Right. He has a work laugh, and then it really bothers her. And then it's like a whole episode. And the subtext in that episode is like, she feels like he's a different person, that he's different than what he presents to her.

He's laughing at jokes that she doesn't. Think are funny or that he doesn't normally or wouldn't. And it's kind of early in their relationship, and she has to kind of adjust to the work, basically. It's not about the laugh. It's about his identity.

Right. Like, he's a little bit different when he's around work people than he is with her. And so she is to kind of take that in and sort of accept it. Well, you know, an extreme example of it that I experienced a couple times, which is really illuminating, is I've had black friends who code switched in front of me, and I had this moment where I was like, oh, my God, do I know the real person? Are they putting on this facade for me?

Dax Shepard
And that's the real them? And I don't actually have access to the real them. Like, what it really did is just flare up all this insecurity in me that because I'm not black, I won't really know the real them or I won't share the thing they share. And I thought the thing we had was very real and legit. And then, of course, realizing, like, that's all my fear, that maybe this person isn't gonna like me.

In a way, I hope they would. Have you had that? I have two friends that aren't white. And, like, I was friends with both of them separately. And now we've been hanging out, the three of us, and I'm like, oh, have I?

Lizzy Plapinger
Just not really. If I'm not there, how is it? And you feel guilt somehow? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, or yeah, like, oh, my God, this person thinks I won't like.

Monica Padman
Them if they're not this or. I don't know if it's as conscious as that. I think it's more. There's something when you're around someone who has the same background as you. It's not, I'm going to code switch, or I'm going to switch into this mode.

It's just the pheromones. Frustrating. And the truth is, like, having not seen the friends episode, but I'm sure Monica, she would be inclined to go, the work laughs is phony. Yes. That's what happens.

Dax Shepard
Or conversely, even more scary, the me laugh is phony, and that's the real laugh. But of course, people are just multifaceted, and all of them are genuine and real. I had dinner with Elizabeth and Andy last night, and Elizabeth had listened to our episode with Patrick, the diagnosed sociopath. And she said that she appreciated that I was during it. I was like, oh, God, am I a sociopath?

Monica Padman
Because I do that. I wear masks. Again, not consciously, but my relationship with every single person is different, so I'm going to be slightly different in every situation. I think that's normal. Then she said, andy is not like that at all.

Cause she was saying, she's like that. But then Andy's just who he is, no matter where he is, no matter what. This makes me think of something for the first time. So we had all this growing stress of me joining your connections group. Yeah, there was some.

Lizzy Plapinger
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What I never considered, and I don't know if you had, is, like, so you had a lot of anxiety about it, understandably. And we talked about all that. That's all been hashed out. But what might be interesting is, I wonder if there was any voice in your head that was like, oh, boy, he's gonna observe me in this other context where I'm a different person.

Dax Shepard
Like, a lot. It was all focused on me mostly. But I wonder if any of it was also you. Like, I've got to now bridge who I am with him and who I am with my childhood friends. Maybe I have some of that with you.

Like, if Aaron, the three of us are together, I am dialing back for sure some stuff that I know would offend you or make you feel scared. Not only am I altering it, but I also have two degrees of anxiety that Erin won't know that that's something that shouldn't be said. I'm dealing with a totally different culture in Detroit. And so, yeah, when I mash these together, I have a little anxiety. So many pins.

Monica Padman
But I would hope you wouldn't say something that would offend me, not just cause I was there. My hope is that me being in your life is just gonna make you less likely to do that. Is that totally not real? I can see that that would be your desire. But also, you and I disagree on something.

Dax Shepard
Like, I just saw Andrew Schultz comedy. It's spectacular. It's so racist. But there's something about his intention and his awareness of all of it in his actual friendship group and who he's touring with. Like, he's walking the walk.

He enjoys the stereotypes of the different neighborhoods he grew up when all of his friends mutually agree to it. And enjoy it together. I enjoy it. You don't enjoy it. I don't feel like a racist.

Cause I laugh at that. But I know that you and I are never gonna watch Andrew Schultz and you're never gonna laugh the way I do at him. It's just scary. And I understand the stakes are higher for you, and it's a privilege that I can consume it without that. But to me, there's a bunch of funny stuff that still has to do with our racial differences, our sex differences, all these things.

That's still very amusing to me. But I know that's never gonna be something you're gonna enjoy or laugh at. And so, of course, I'm not gonna want Aaron to bring in some bit of comedy we both enjoy that. You're not gonna enjoy. Does that make sense?

Monica Padman
Yeah. Your preference would be that I don't even think Andrew Schultz is funny or. That you can see it a bit differently when you have someone in your life. By the way, I don't know anything about Andrew Schultz. Maybe I would find it super funny.

I don't know. But in general, because as we said earlier, I feel that my perspective on life is different based on our proximity, and I would hope that it would be reciprocated. Reciprocated? Yeah. And it very much has in your life.

The thing I am bringing to the table is a race thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it has changed me dramatically. And there's a ton of things I've altered my behavior and I would not feel good doing anymore. But just to specifically talk about Andrew Schultz.

Dax Shepard
Cause I think it's relevant. He's performing in Taiwan to 8000 Taiwanese, and he is talking about if he get invaded by China, that we're gonna have to come help. And he says to them, guys, we'll be happy to help. I'm a little nervous about us knowing who's who. The level of laughter among the Taiwanese is enormous, so I'm not seeing a victim there.

Now, if he was telling that joke to all white Americans saying, we're gonna have to go to Taiwan to bail them out of China, how are we gonna know the difference? The fact that he brings it right to their doorstep. They like it a lot. They're dying laughing, and he's doing a ton of stereotype jokes directly to them. And they enjoy it.

As I enjoy watching Barbie and getting made fun of for being a man, I recognize that I'm in a position of power where it's easier for me to laugh at myself. But the point is, is that Andrew goes to all these people and does it directly to their faces. They love it and they come by. This is different than laughing at others. But he's not taiwanese.

But he can still make an observation for them that they themselves find very funny. That's fine. That doesn't bother. Yes, it would bother me if he was in a room full of white people making that joke. That's, to me, racist.

I'm only pointing out that you have a relationship with it that I respect and I honor. And then someone else that's indian is going to have a totally different level of what they think is offensive or that they might enjoy. So I don't think there's a baseline of how everyone is taking it. By the way, all these taiwanese people, they're the majority. He's talking to them in their country.

They're the majority. They aren't the oppressed. That's what I'm saying, though. I'm agreeing with you that his joke there is fine. His joke, if he did that in America with a bunch of white people, if he made that same joke like you said, is not fine.

Lizzy Plapinger
But if most of his audience is white Americans, then he is making the joke. Right? The physical audience is taiwanese people, but the audience for the special is Americans, right? Well, I don't know. I mean, clearly he's huge in Taiwan.

Dax Shepard
He tours the world, and he's huge everywhere. He sells out 15,000 seat theaters around here. And his thing is, when he came to the forum and he's in Hollywood, he blasts Hollywood. He's lined it all up. All the things we do that are silly, that are worth making fun of, and he just blasts us.

And everyone in the audience that's from Hollywood is laughing at themselves, which is very cathartic and fun. And then he goes over to Boston, he calls him fucking racist, and he lets them have it about their stereotype. And the people there genuinely are getting a lot of joy out of it. Now, all these things just on paper, you're not allowed to do. And by the way, there are a ton of comedians trying to do the same thing, and they suck, and it's not working.

It's very fascinating. They're doing similar material, but there's something about the intention. There's something about being in on it with them, living amongst. There's just so much nuance in it. And so, so it's interesting.

Like, if you were taiwanese and we were best friends and that stuff made you uncomfortable, I would respect that. But yet then I'm looking at this group of people who clearly loves it and bought tickets to him and is gonna buy tickets to him over and over again. I can't say to them wrong for loving being made fun of by him. I just think it's very complicated, and I think there's room for, like, I got no problem adjusting how I am to not hurt someone I love's feelings, but I don't think the commitment would be. Then I pretend I don't think that routine he did was fun.

Lizzy Plapinger
Well, what have you learned from being friends with Monica? What has changed? Oh, there's so many. The reality of the singular representation, being Apu and how traumatic that was for everyone that was a child during that, I can see the pain. I can see the dynamic of her being the only brown person in a group and someone makes a joke that makes her very uncomfortable, and then she has to.

Dax Shepard
To let them off the hook and soften their guilt and nurture them after they've done this thing. I see that whole cycle, and it's a heartbreaking bummer. And of course, I go back in my mind, I play these times where that happened a bunch around me, and I just didn't do anything, say anything, think anything about it. It's changed how I raise my kids. I think there's a ton of stuff that I've become very sympathetic to.

Monica Padman
Yeah. Do you feel like there's ever been a time where I'm not there, that you're involved in something or you see something that you, in your head is like, ooh, that's probably not good that you wouldn't have thought was not good before, for sure. And also, let me say again, this is the line we're talking about. It's like, I see some comedians trying to do what Schultz does, and they can't. I see the other people do it and I'm like, no, they're just hateful.

Dax Shepard
You can sense it. So I think, and you might disagree with me on this, but I can delineate between someone saying something funny and someone saying something mean spirited and disparaging and with the underlying superiority I can too. That's the point of living as a minority. You figure out what's hateful and what's not because a lot of things are coming at you. But the problem is it's not about the actual person.

Monica Padman
Like, again, Anderschul, I don't know. It's hard for me to speak on him because I just don't know anything about him other than that Taylor Swift video, which I liked. That's why I specifically sent you that one. And I'm sure I would find a ton of his stuff very funny. You know, when Chappelle left the Chappelle show.

Dax Shepard
Yeah. And he had been doing all this extremely racial comedy. Yeah. Black KKK member. Exactly.

Monica Padman
And, like, he loved it. He didn't have a problem with it. He said the reason he had to leave is he was able to hear the sound of the laughter of the white people in the room, and he recognized, oh, he can make those jokes, and he knows what's behind it, but that person who's laughing doesn't and is now extrapolating all the worst parts of it. And that's the problem with some of this comedy, which, again, I can find very funny, but I can see in the audience, and I can hear the laughter of people who don't get the layers of and are just now using it as racist fodder. This is like the age old Howard Stern debate, and he himself and Gary Delabante on the show will acknowledge this, which is like, they're doing a very elevated thing.

Dax Shepard
But, yes, it's appealing to this very simple, guttural thing. And sometimes they're at gas stations and someone yells something, and they go, they aren't getting it. That can be dangerous. My position on that is that person's. That person we're blaming Stern, that they're misinterpreting stern.

I disagree. They're that way. They're gonna find whatever dog whistle y thing they're gonna find. And to hang in on somebody who is clearly doing something intentional, I don't know that I agree that they have to be responsible for the worst person interpreting it the worst way. I mean, I agree with you there.

Monica Padman
It's just, how are people choosing to use their platforms? And it can be funny and it can be comedic, and you can have parts of that, but as long as I hope you, as a comedian can recognize, uh oh, there are people here who are not getting it. And so for those people, is there a way for me to try to position this so that they do, or if you don't give a fuck, you don't give a fuck. Yeah, it might be more about, do you think you have that power to make that person a different person? Cause I think that's beyond the limits of what we can do.

Lizzy Plapinger
I mean, some people do comedy in order to change minds, and if it's a minority of people who just don't get it. But to Dave Chappelle's point, if you're hearing that laughter louder. Then it says something about your comedy or what you're doing. You have to be a part of this. As I remember him retelling it.

Dax Shepard
Yeah, he was in the editing room, and he actually was. Is like, they're laughing in the wrong place. They're laughing at this part that's actually not the funny part of it. They're just laughing at the thing that's ostensibly racist. You could get really broad with it and go like, yes, somebody has murdered someone to blackbird by Beatles, for whatever reason they got out of Blackbird, that they should murder someone.

Or all the assassins who have been reading Catcher in the Rye when they caught them. That's not the same as someone making funny, but on the line racist jokes. And then racists are like, yeah, yeah. That's different than extrapolating from Blackbird. Well, what I'm saying is that someone.

Well, not someone. Several people read Catcher in the Rye and were like, we need to assassinate this famous person. I can't blame Catcher in the Rye for that. I gotta blame the people that took that from catcher in the Rye. It's not the same.

Okay. That's apples to oranges. I guess I'm just talking about, like, art in the interpretation of art. Yeah, but when your art is part of it is making racist jokes or racial jokes, it's just more dangerous. Like, there was something in catcher in the riot.

Monica Padman
I don't know, but it wasn't explicit enough that any one of us can read it and be like, I get it. We don't get it. Right, but we get how these jokes would make someone racist or make someone's beliefs get more indoctrinated, that if you're. Gonna be toeing that line, you have a higher responsibility, I think, to make sure that your art is good and that it's airtight and that people don't misinterpret it. Again, I haven't seen the special either, but I would hope that he's going extra mile in order to make good comedy.

Lizzy Plapinger
That can't be misinterpreted. I think the better that you are at it, the less people will be confused about what it means. I mean, he's the one who texted me. I know you had an Andrew Schultz event. I had Andrew Schultz event.

Dax Shepard
He texts you. We. Oh, you went on a date. We never went on the date. But no, but because he texted me.

Lizzy Plapinger
White men don't get enough credit for inventing feminism. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good joke. It wasn't a joke, though. We, like, got into a whole.

Anyway, whatever. We're friendly and seen each other since. But I kind of wanna watch it. I have to watch it in order to know how I feel about it. Well, anyway, did we answer it?

Monica Padman
No. Okay. Are we still in the laugh? Yes. I thought we did.

Lizzy Plapinger
We did. Well, her question is, should she say anything? I think it's worth mentioning. What would you say? I would make a joke.

Monica Padman
I knew you were gonna say, I know. I always wanna make jokes about things, which is not healthy. I knew you were gonna say, like. Passive aggressively make a joke about it. No, just laugh about it.

Lizzy Plapinger
Be like, oh, my God, your laugh is. So. Did your laugh change? I would just make it light and then go from there. Cause it is, like, silly, you know?

And I think making it super serious. I mean, I think your answer is great. What I would probably do is make. A joke about it, and then I would get defensive. I'd feel stupid.

Dax Shepard
You've just made fun of my new laugh. This thing I'm doing to be closer to this person I like. Now I'm embarrassed and self conscious, and my reaction is like, okay, I can't do that laugh around her. So now you've set up a situation where it's like, I've created a boundary where you're not gonna be yourself. There are safe zones of being you, and there are not safe zones of being you.

And so your big victory is he'll still have the laugh, just not around you. Yeah. I would say either bring it up or just understand what's happening with you and then let it go. Agreed. It could be just.

I accept that this is his laugh and I see it for what it is, and he wants to be closer to this guy. I can't believe our laughs have morphed. One in 20 people believe. That is so bizarre. I think it happens.

Lizzy Plapinger
I think it's cute. Absolutely. It's also just musical. You're fusing a bit. I wonder if it happens, though, when we're apart.

Monica Padman
Or is it just when actual laughter is happening? It's morphing, by the way. There's probably a deep evolution instinct to match in mirror and mimic your in group. Yeah, for sure. We also.

Because you don't want to stand out. Yeah. If you're in a playground, you're left is like.

Dax Shepard
And that's your real laugh. You're out. You're fucking gone. No one's ever gonna tell you a joke again. It's like survival.

Monica Padman
Ew, ew, ew. Okay, well, okay. See, look how nervous? You guys are like, I'm so out of. There's like, a ram in here or something.

Oh, man. All right, well, that is it for today. Thank you, Dax, for joining us. I have a little anxiety. Might the whole thing about Andrea Schultz hurt your feelings?

Oh, no, it didn't. Okay. I thought you were gonna see. You had anxiety that people might be upset, and they might. Yeah, people will be upset.

That's fine. That's the way it all goes. And it's good to have different opinions in this world. I stand by that. Okay.

Next week, we're going on a double date. Fun. And it's very unique. Both people blind. Yes.

Liz is picking a person and then telling them to bring a single friend. Yeah. Okay, so that's how this is going. We picked Liz's person today. Okay, but have you already been on a date with the person?

Lizzy Plapinger
No. Okay, great. So it is a first date for you and a first date for the lucky bachelor who's joining. So I don't know if we'll get to this by the time I record again. This is a great idea, right?

Monica Padman
Isn't it? It's a great idea if someone plays tennis and he's an instructor slash therapist and we go on that date. Shouldn't we play tennis, Dennis? Do a doubles match as a first date? Isn't that fun?

Lizzy Plapinger
No. That would be like inviting the date to do a podcast with Monica, watch me be fucking great at something. And you feel completely insecure and shitty, and I'm in a position of, like, authority, and I know why that appeals to you with your kink.

Dax Shepard
That's quite obvious, very transparent. But also, I don't think you can talk. Well, I think just in general, it's a bad idea. The only version that Monica be up for is go sit in a professor's classroom. That's the date where she would just observe the professor be sexy.

Lizzy Plapinger
Oh, okay. He makes me take a test. Yeah. Oh, and it has. With your shirt off.

Monica Padman
All right. Well, if there's any professors out there who want to engage in this activity. But this is a brilliant idea. I know. I'm excited.

Dax Shepard
I've heard you several times say what you often like about certain boys is that you're yourself around them. Exactly. So to me, it's like a shortcut to your primary connection will be one that keeps you yourself. I know. I think it'll be great.

Monica Padman
I think we're gonna marry these people. I hope so. The only. All right. Now I'm gonna predict a potential conflict ahead, which is what's also interesting is you're gonna see each other on a date.

Dax Shepard
You're not gonna be able to help but go like, oh, Liz does that thing. Well, is it, like, the last. And then Liz. Yes. Maybe we have a date.

Monica Padman
Date Liz and date Monica. That's right. And you might be going like, Monica's being more bristly than she really is. Why isn't she being more open? These are my predictions of what might happen.

Dax Shepard
And then you'll come back in here and you'll rehash this date. And ostensibly it'll be about these guys, but I think ultimately it's probably gonna be about your guys date Personas. Yes. I love that. Not very many people get the privilege of seeing someone else's date Persona.

Lizzy Plapinger
That's true. I've never seen anyone else's date Persona. All right, well, anyway, not sure if this will happen by the time we're in the. Why do you wanna end this? This is so fun.

Dax Shepard
Why are you trying to land the plane? We just hit 30,000. I don't want to go to bed. So you. We were in the airport in Austin or India or something.

Monica Padman
It was silent for like, 7 seconds. Not long at all. And Dax said, what else can I talk about? Oh, I know. It's very endearing.

It was a moment where I really was like, this is a little boy. This little boy just walks. He has a gray body, but he is eight year old boy. Mom. What else can we talk about?

Oh, my God, that reminds me. I used to drive my parents crazy in the car because I would just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk, and I just wanted to keep talking. And at one point, my mom was like, no more talking. Well, you found both of your dream jobs. You're right.

Lizzy Plapinger
It totally fits. It's such a gift. Okay, well, we are wrapping it up, up, and we will be back next week. Maybe we'll have been on the date, maybe not. But it's coming.

It's coming. All right. See you next week. Winter is coming close.

Monica Padman
Winter is coming close.

Dax Shepard
Winter is coming close.

Synced: The B.E.D.

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Episode Summary

Main Takeaways

Episode Chapters

1: The Dating Conundrum

2: Lifestyle Changes and Friendship Dynamics

3: Social Observations and Personal Insights

Actionable Advice

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