Synced: Double Man Plan

Monica Padman

Hello. Hi. How are you? Sorry. What a disaster.

Lizzy Plapinger

Oh, no, it was just a disaster in the morning. That was my day. Yesterday. Everything was like, floopy, floopy. What happened?

Dax Shepard

Nothing major. I'm late to catch everyone up. Mainly just cause, like, I was spilled and I had to change my shirt, and then those baby things. And I tried to park on Hobart, but then there wasn't anything. So then I tried to shoot my shot inside the neighborhood.

Lizzy Plapinger

Well, there was a reason for all this. And I was early by mistake. Cause I didn't see your text, and I came across a black cat. But then I googled it, and it all said positive things. But I feel like that's not.

Dax Shepard

No, that's a rebrand of cats. Right. And we all know the truth. And it was like a real cat event. I was walking, and he, like, stared at me.

Lizzy Plapinger

Stopped, and then I. I got a little scared. I was like, is he gonna jump? And then he ran away and disappeared into the night of the morning. Ugh.

I said, like, oh, it's good luck. Good fortune is coming your way. But I feel like that's my algorithm protecting me. I mean, I guess it's all what you wanna believe it is in this world. So we can choose to believe it's good fortune, good luck.

Dax Shepard

I like that. Maybe it's good fortune, good luck mixed with some crazy. Yeah, that makes sense. It'd be all of it. You had a bug event yesterday.

I did. I had a bug event. I had a bug event a second ago. There was a bug on me. There are bugs on me all the time.

Lizzy Plapinger

I'm sorry. I know. And we're heading into summer, and it's gonna be so much worse. Mosquitoes are about to come out. Maybe bugs are good luck, though.

Did you ever google it? I have not googled it, I'm afraid. Same. Okay, we're both back from our vacation. Yeah.

Dax Shepard

So after you left New York, after we hung out with Dan, you left the next morning. We had the best dinner. Oh, my God. Of, like, maybe the year. That was my favorite dinner of the year.

Lizzy Plapinger

It's only April. But that was so fun. And then I went to Montreal. I got a cold. Which you might have got from me.

Right? There's a chance. There's a little chance. We did share a lot of things at dinner, but it was really fun. I saw my family, and it was my sister's birthday.

How about you? You had an exciting week in New York. I did. I did. Should we shout out the restaurant?

Monica Padman

Yeah. Coquette. Yeah, you can say it better than that. Procro deal. If I were reading it.

Dax Shepard

Is there a law before it or. No? Le cr. Okay. Oh, maybe.

Lizzy Plapinger

Maybe it's the actually. Am I wrong? Let me look. I'm inventing that it's fully french. Well, no, I mean, I think you're right.

I think it's just crocodile restaurant. It's le. Ah, le crocodile. Yeah. If I was saying it in my boring american accent, I would say le crocodile.

That's cute. It's like half. It's halfway. Yes. French people know what you're saying and english people know what you're saying.

Monica Padman

Yeah. I'm closing my eyes. Say it again the real way. Le crocodile. Wow.

Dax Shepard

It's really cool. And it was your first pate. Oh, my gosh. It was my first pate. Yeah.

You were really excited about it. It's a big deal. Yeah, it's a big deal. Big deal. It was a mushroom pate.

It was insane. So this is your favorite restaurant in New York? It was in Brooklyn. We did like a kind of silly thing. We went from the Upper east side to Brooklyn.

But it was worth it. You went to my favorite bar, Bebbleman's bar? I did. And we had a yummy drink, an old fashioned. I didn't pressure you.

Lizzy Plapinger

I wanted to. I had a lot of drinks that night. You had three. I did the next morning. Think, is she gonna be okay?

Monica Padman

Well, I. What was great is that, you know, like, usually you don't sleep well if you drink a lot. I didn't sleep because I had my flight. Like, did you just. I slept for like maybe 2 hours and then, you know, one of those early flights.

Lizzy Plapinger

But it was worth it. We had such a great time. We did. So that's your favorite restaurant? And it was in Brooklyn.

Dax Shepard

And we went and it was incredible. It was so fun and so tasty. Everything was so amazing. Shout out. Guess who we saw there, Rob.

Rob McElhenney

Nicholas Braun. No, but good guess. Nicholas Braun lives in our current neighborhood. We saw Bob Murvac's wife. Bob Murvac, who does all of our music.

Dax Shepard

He did the music for this show. He does the music for armchair. His wife was at Le Crocodile.

Monica Padman

And. She lives in Michigan. That was a weird. It is weird. Sim.

Yeah. We chatted with her for a bit and we shut down the restaurant, of course. Obviously, that's what we do. It was really, really, really delicious. I'm definitely going back.

Lizzy Plapinger

It was fun to experience our friendship in New York. It was new. Yeah. How did you, what were your takeaways? Who were we in New York?

Oh, that's such a good question. Do you think we would have been better? Well, not better, but what kind of friends do you think we would have been in New York versus here? I need to think about that for, like, a day. A whole day.

I think we would be a little bit more sneaky. I feel like we would be up to more no good misadventures. In what realm? In every realm. I think we would be a little bit more mischievous.

Did I say that right? I say mischievous, then you said mischievous. I think you can say either. Okay, okay. Or either.

Lol. But, yeah, I think we would be. Cause there's something very wholesome about LA. Probably most people wouldn't say that, but you can't go out too late. Things close.

You can't just hop around from one place to the next and see where the night takes you. And I feel like we would get into more events even. I feel like in a few hours, a lot of things happened. We were gaslit by an AI robot. We were gaslit by our AI boyfriend.

Exactly. And we. Yeah. Shut down a restaurant. There's, like, a pace to New York, right.

Where more things happen in a smaller amount of time. And if you're, like, slightly open, so much will happen to you in a way that in LA, like, we went to dinner last night and we all went to bed at 830. Yeah. And I was late. Tired.

Monica Padman

I know. I'm tired. Like, what the fuck? I know. It's true.

Dax Shepard

I don't understand what happens. There is something about that city, and I thought about the people who were there during the pandemic. You. I actually got stuck in LA for most of it. Yeah.

Okay, well, that city, you're not meant to just be in your apartment, I don't think. Unless you have, like, so much money and have this insane brownstone or something like that. But even the hotels, like, I love a New York hotel so much, but I like the lobbies of the hotel, you know? Like, I like to go hang down there. I don't want to be in my room.

I don't want to be by myself, really, in New York. And I want to be out and about and going from this place to this place. I mean, my shopping problem's bad here. I don't know. I mean, I would have no dollars.

Lizzy Plapinger

Right. The other thing, I think this is bold, but I think you wouldn't be able to stay single, really. It would be harder for you. As if that's, like, a goal of mine. Well, I think that you can do it unencumbered.

And I think in New York, there would be a lot more coming at you where you would have to decline a lot in order to stay single. Whereas in LA, again, I think it's pretty easy to kind of. Yeah, you have to be active about pursuing here, and you're saying there it's different. That's interesting because not this time. I had no event.

Dax Shepard

I had no, like, come ons. But actually, mostly because normally 90% of what I'm doing in New York is by myself. I'll have, like, maybe one or two meals out with someone. But this time, I pretty much did everything with people, and I think this has to do with it. But the last time I was there, I got hit on multiple times.

But it was so aggressive and gross, and one of them was so gross. I talked about this on a fact check, I think, but he was, like, nagging me so hard. And then he said, so bad. He, like, asked me what I did, and I said, I have a podcast. He said, which one?

And I said, oh, it's called armchair expert. It's with Dax shepherd. And he was like, oh, I think I know him. And he insulted him somehow. He was in a bunch of b movies or something like that.

And I was like, okay, you can chill. He's my best friend. And he said, well, would he call you his best friend? I remember this. Yes.

And I was like, go, fuck. Get away from me. And then he tried to get me to go to the comedy store with him. I was like, you think this is going well? I don't understand.

And then, same trip, there was another, like, aggressive guy that was really not wanting to take no for an answer. So I guess you're right. But I didn't like it. But one of those guys would turn out to be not a bad. Or, like, you know, these guys were also probably not your type.

Lizzy Plapinger

I've been in so many situations where, again, I do go on dates and, like, I'm actively doing it, but also where I've just been at dinner and, like, I'll just start talking to this guy at the table next to me. Or there's just more encounters. Honestly, even if you're actively trying not to have encounters, which can happen in New York because you get overstimulated and overwhelmed, and you're like, I just want to go get my bagel, you are going to inevitably interact with so many people, and so it's harder to isolate, and it's, I think, harder to be single. Maybe not harder, but it's easy in LA to be alone. Well, we had a plan that we didn't execute.

Dax Shepard

We were going to go on a double date there. Oh, my God. Also, he texts me. No. But then it was too late, and I was leaving, but I was like, wow, what are the odds?

That's the problem. Okay. We didn't have enough time. We had one night, and so for me, and again, this is so telling about me, if we have one night, I'm never gonna pick the double date like I want. Then just some fun girl time.

And would you have wanted to do the double date with the one dinner? Well, it was a really fun night, so now that we've had it, I wouldn't want to take it away. But that being said, I always am for the risky thing. Let's go on this weird, crazy thing that we don't know how it's gonna go, right? And that it could go terrible or it could go really well, but to me, no matter what, it's gonna be great.

Lizzy Plapinger

So should we tell them what we were trying to do? Yeah, you should explain it. No, you. Okay. So how did this come about?

Dax Shepard

Callie, actually. And there's a big background to this now. Me, you, and Kali had a lunch, and you, that morning, had an event. You had a married man event.

Monica Padman

Okay. And we're gonna talk about it. Cause that sounds really bad on face value. But you went to a coffee shop. And what happened that morning?

Lizzy Plapinger

I complimented a young man on his fleece. And you have to try it on. I didn't have to try it on. And he sat next to me, and we proceeded to start talking for a while. And I.

In the mornings is when I get my work done. Like, I'm there to write, but I'm in this conversation with this hot guy, so that becomes the priority. And then eventually, I notice a ring on his finger, and then I go, okay, this is weird now, because I'm in this full on conversation with this stranger, and he's married. And so I try and close off the conversation. He wouldn't let me go.

Monica Padman

He kept talking. He kept talking and re engaging. And so I eventually had to flee the situation, the location, and, well, it didn't come straight from there, but that had happened that morning. And so I was complaining about that, because if I were married to this man, I would feel a little bit odd that he keeps talking to this woman that you just met. And I was annoyed that I had to leave the coffee shop, too.

Dax Shepard

Right then it gets into interesting dynamics about marriage and what's allowed. But what also is just good manners. Like, it is hard to know, but I don't think I would care. I think that many men and women people, once they're in a commitment, they still need outside approval. Like, I just think we're, like, really not being honest if we don't acknowledge that.

And there are many ways to get it right. I think women often get it in the workplace if they're working, I think they feel confident. If they like what they do and are good at it, they have coworkers they can chat with and be kind of, like a version of themselves that's, like, fun and kind of independent, separate. From the validation that they get from their partner. Exactly.

And I think men can get it from work, but I think often heterosexual men get it from women. I don't think this guy was gonna try to take you home, but I think he was just getting a little hit of validation from this pretty woman. And I don't know if it's okay. I just think it's the reality. So I'm kind of fine with it.

I'm actually more annoyed on your behalf than I am on behalf of the wife. I'm annoyed that you then are in a wasting your time situation. Yeah, that's what it felt like where I was, like, he was talking a lot, and I was like, now I'm just listening to this guy. It's keeping me away from my work and from doing the thing I wanted to do. And there's no end goal.

Monica Padman

Yeah. Cause you're not gonna be friends with this married man. Right. It's also a coffee shop where there was this guy once with the little puppy. Oh, my God.

Lizzy Plapinger

There was, like, a two week old puppy, and he came in with the puppy and, like, let me hold him. And, like, we had this whole conversation, and then at one point, I realized this guy has a girlfriend. Like, he keeps saying, we moved. And I was like, oh, my God. But then the puppy's on me at this point, and so then I'm engaged.

And then later, I tell my roommate to come and hold the puppy until she comes, and then he takes the puppy back in, and he's doing the same trick on these two other women next to us. And then a week later, I walked by the coffee shop, and I saw him doing it again in the window. I swear to God. Really? Two women?

It just gets to me when I see a lot of this happening in the world, and I try and not let it ruin my okay. But this gets people who are in committed relationships. Yeah.

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Okay, but this is hard because if he just has a cute puppy. Because I bet you said, oh, my gosh, that puppy's so cute, right? Of course you instigated it. I mean, it's a. It's a two.

Lizzy Plapinger

I mean, it was the size of a mouse. Like, it's so cute and little. It's, ugh. But you're right. I instigated the fleece comment.

So in a way, I guess I'm guilty. But we don't have to place guilt or blame. I just mean you said, oh, my gosh, this puppy's so cute. And, like, women love puppies. And women are more likely to talk, like, you know, approach a puppy than a man.

Dax Shepard

I feel pretty confident in saying that. They might be like, oh, that puppy's cool or cute, but they're not gonna be like, oh, and, like, get down and wanna touch it and pet it and hold it and stuff. So he has this alluring puppy, and then all these women are, like, flocking and is that his fault if he's just bringing his pup, like, taking his puppy on a walk? It's hard to know. I think it's gray.

Lizzy Plapinger

I just think if I were his girlfriend and I was walking by the window and I saw all of this, these puppy events, I would just be like, dude, what the hell? You're right. Yeah, but, like, that's like, rob's kid is so cute. Yeah, I guess it's more obvious. Cause it's his kid, right?

Dax Shepard

People stop you a lot. That's the only reason I bring him to the coffee shop. I know. I figured. No, also to get free coffees and stuff.

Lizzy Plapinger

Yeah, well, it's like the episode of Friends where Joey and Chandler realize that Ross's babies helps them get women and then they forget him on the bus. Right, right. The one with the baby on the bus. They're talking to Vincent. I'm not Vince.

Rob McElhenney

Strange striking up a conversation and sitting with them for 2 hours. Right? That's the difference. And you walk away, I guess, quickly. Yeah.

Dax Shepard

I don't know, though. He's not allowed to bring his puppy, right? Like, what is the conversation between them? If this is your boyfriend, you're like. I've seen you now three times with my puppy in these women's labs.

What's the deal? And then he'd, I guess, be like, they want to touch him. They love him. Do you want me to stop holding our puppy? Do you want me to stop walking our puppy?

Lizzy Plapinger

You know? Yeah. Like, I guess you can take the puppy on walks. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's prime for gaslighting.

Dax Shepard

Anyway, I'll just say, okay, all this happened that morning. Then we had lunch with Callie, who was married, obviously, so she was weighing in on this. And I said, I feel that when I'm around married men, I am much more myself. I feel much more at ease when I'm around a married man, because there's no opportunity slash threat of it progressing into anything. So I am more, like, open and more flirty and just more me in those environments.

And then I was like, so maybe that married man. But again, I'm mainly talking about my friends. Not strangers, but even strangers. If there was a married man stranger who's, like a server, and I know they're married, I'm probably a lot more fun or chatty than I would be with a server who's single, because I know, like, if I show some sort of cuteness, then they might read that as an invitation, and I know that a married man can't do that. So then I can just feel more free to be me.

Lizzy Plapinger

So you flirt more with married men? I don't think it's flirting. I guess if I'm being honest, like, probably. But it's not flirting. It's just.

Dax Shepard

I'm just more me. I'm just more open. I'm warmer. Thank you. That's exactly.

Lizzy Plapinger

More friendly. Okay. What about your friends with boyfriends? Cause I feel that one is less. Yeah.

I feel that I need more distance, actually. If I want to say something to her boyfriend, I'll usually text both of them. Yeah, that's fine. There's a thing that's weird about if we're just texting each other. I agree.

Dax Shepard

I think it's different. Interesting. But anywho, so I was like, I bet if I just wore a wedding ring, I would feel more flirty or I would feel more comfortable. That threat is gone until I wanted to lift it. And so then I thought that would be a fun experiment if we went to another city and we wore wedding rings.

Right. It would also be interesting who would approach us if we're wearing wedding rings versus not. I totally forgot about this whole conversation. Yeah. And then how did that get to the double date in New York?

And then it just became, like, experiments. So that was gonna be an experiment where we went somewhere and we're wedding rings and just, like, see how people are around us, but also how we feel internally. I really wanna try that. We should do it. We can do that here in LA.

No, I think it's too obvious here. If we're in our neighborhood, people know me in the neighborhood and know you. We have to go, I think. Do you feel like we give off single vibes, though? I feel like people know.

Lizzy Plapinger

Right. Based on just how I am and dress. You do? I do. Liz does.

Monica Padman

Yeah. Why? Cause you're more open your lights on. Like, you're open for business. Light is on.

Rob McElhenney

I mean, you're chatting up people at. The coffee shop all the time. I don't. I doubt Monica's like, yeah. Talking to the same amount of guys.

Dax Shepard

I'm definitely not commenting on anyone's fleece. Okay, got it. Although if they were married and I liked it, I might be like, oh, that's a cool fleece. I'd only really do that, though, if I wanted to buy it. I wouldn't want to just talk to him.

If I liked a man's fleece. And then I saw that they were single, I'd be less likely to ask where he got it than if he was married. Unless I was like, oh, my God, he's so hot. Sure, I'd like his face then maybe I would, but that'd be scary. That would be scary.

Lizzy Plapinger

Have you ever had an interaction with a man, you don't know where there was flirtation, and you were actively and they were single? Yes. Yeah, probably. I mean, I'm sure. I mean, yeah, I have instances in my head which then we, like, went on some dates.

Dax Shepard

But that's why this will lead to that. So I have to already be interested in this person enough to. If it goes there, I'm fine with it. I don't like saying, like, I don't want to go out on a date. By the way, the whole story about the double date thing, you were very open to, which I was surprised and excited about, and I felt like it was two against one, which helped.

Yeah, but that doesn't mean anything to me. What when it's my peer pressure. Yeah. Oh. Two against one has nothing to do with the decisions I make about my life, Callie.

And you were saying you should do it, and I'm saying I don't weigh it like that. Like, well, I guess two people think I should and I shouldn't, but that's two against one. If I don't, I don't. Right. Well, anyway, then I was like, I'm gonna go on dates.

Lizzy Plapinger

Obviously, we should go on a double date. Cause that's been my dream since day one. Like, all I wanna do is go on double dates. Not like, well, obviously, when you're in a relationship, it's fun, but I think it's even better. I think first dates should always be double dates.

Monica Padman

Wow. That would just make first dates so much better. But no one wants to do that with me. I do like that idea, but I don't think the men would like that idea very much. I think it might be harder for them to be on their game.

Dax Shepard

Or maybe it removes the idea that everyone's gonna, like, sleep together. I don't know. I mean, to me, it makes it a more fun. Cause you're with your friend, so even if you're not into the person or one of you isn't into the person, like, you're still gonna have a good time. It takes the pressure off.

Lizzy Plapinger

It's like a team project, you know? It's like, oh, my God, great. I don't have to do this essay on my own. And you're sharing, I think, the hard parts of the team project. If there's a lull in the conversation.

Dax Shepard

Or somebody fills it. I really do like this idea. But again, would you like to do that on a first date? If it was my friend? That's what it has to be, right?

Monica Padman

Which. This is what it was gonna be. Liz was gonna reach out to. She gave me three options of the person she wanted to go on a date with. But then we would ask that person to bring a friend.

Rob McElhenney

So it's two first dates happening at the same time. Yeah. I think that's better than if she's bringing her friend and her friend's boyfriend. It has to be a first date for everybody. It's not like I'm bringing this couple.

Dax Shepard

I wouldn't mind. That feels, like less pressure. Yeah. I think this is like a. I.

Lizzy Plapinger

Don'T like more people don't do it. I would be so excited if I was supposed to go on a date, and this guy would be like, I'm gonna bring my friend. Bring one of your single friends. I'd be like, I love you. This is so fun.

Dax Shepard

I'm still down for this. And now we're home. We could do it here. We could. There's less people in New York.

Lizzy Plapinger

There's more options. But I could. If you are telling me you're into it, I will make it happen. Arrange. Cause now it's.

Dax Shepard

I think we should. Okay. And I think you need to make it happen. Okay. I'm gonna make it happen.

Lizzy Plapinger

That's exciting. We'll do the same thing. You'll give options. Why don't we do it on here? Obviously you don't say names, but you'll say, these are the five options.

Dax Shepard

This person is a blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. This is what he's like. Then this and this. And then I'll pick. But again, that's for you.

Monica Padman

Yes. Your options are the person for you. Then that person brings a friend for me. We don't know anything. Okay.

Dax Shepard

I love that. Cause I'm like, if I don't like them, I'll just. We'll just. It's groupy. Exactly.

Lizzy Plapinger

We're having dinner and it's fun. I like this a lot. I'm gonna plot. This is fun. Yes.

Monica Padman

TBD. Okay, well, shall we do a little some questions? Okay. To what degree should I put aside my own needs? Because the boy I'm dating is neurodivergent.

Dax Shepard

This is from EJ. Dear Monica and Liz. First of all, thank you for making my Wednesdays. I look forward to listening every week on my morning hot girl walk. I would love your advice on this topic, particularly because my friends all have differing opinions.

I've been dating a boy for about six months and think he's wonderful. He's funny, warm and completely unique. A real standout. He's on the spectrum and has made it clear he requires a lot of his own space and time. This has worked for me perfectly so far as I'm also fiercely independent and not long out of a long term relationship.

We live in two different cities and see each other about once every two to three weeks. Perfect, right? The problem I'm currently having is that his need for space is morphing more and more into complete hibernation mode. The door to his life perpetually swinging from wide open to firmly shut. I never know when this is going to happen or why.

And I'm finding it really discombobulating. And it's hard not to take it personally. Especially as when we were first dating he would be in contact all the time I want to be understanding of his needs as someone neurodiverse. But I also don't want to be picked up and put down as and when it suits. I feel a bit like the sometimes shiny thing that's losing its luster as time goes on.

Is it okay to ask for more consistent communication? Or do I just need to understand that this is how his brain works and either be okay with that or not? I think his mind is complete magic, so I don't want him to change. I'm just trying to balance that with protecting my own well being. And I can't help but feel that neurodivergent or not, he's just being a of a boy.

Your thoughts are much valued with love and admiration. EJ, great question. Hard question. I would really struggle with this. Look.

I mean, I think your needs are your needs. Like, regardless of the person, neurodivergent or not, people have elements to their personality that don't match up perfectly right with your needs. It's always this decision of, am I okay with this piece of them? Because it means x, y, and z for me. That's who this person is, and it's not gonna change.

So I think everyone has to sort of do that. So that's why I think this is a great question. I still think it's worth communicating 1 million%. Cause if you want to be together, this is going to have to be not like a covert, but like an overt conversation. Yeah, maybe over and over and over again.

Lizzy Plapinger

And this might be your biggest issue, slash like an issue that never is fully created, unquote, fixed. And that will require the both of you to come to, like, a compromise about. I dated someone who was very much like this. And I remember talking to my therapist about it. And at the beginning, sort of attributing a lot of his behaviors of distance and isolation to this neurodivergence.

And at one point, I remember it shifting to like, well, is that the neurodivergence? Or is he kind of using these things as an excuse? What is? I mean, not just being a boy, but clear avoidance and sort of refusal. And just to take it one step further, in my case, when I brought it up, there wasn't a lot of interest about how it affected me.

There was more defensiveness and being like, well, even if I don't write to you, that doesn't mean I'm not thinking about you. Which I was like, how am I supposed to guess right and be a mind reader? And that's when it just became clear, like, this isn't going to work long term because this person isn't really interested in how this is affecting me. Like, that should be the conversation, and at least even if the thing doesn't get fixed, quote unquote, completely, they're interested in how you're being affected by their. Neurodiversity, how you're feeling.

And without ever bringing it up, you'd never know. And I understand the reluctance to bring it up because you don't want it to be perceived as intolerant or you don't want it to kind of create shame, but it is going to affect the relationship. And even when we think about neurodivergence, I think autism comes up as one of the neurodivergences that will, like, affect the relationship a lot. But even ADHD, like, I was just home and my mom has ADHD, was diagnosed after I was diagnosed. Oh, really?

Monica Padman

Oh, yeah. And I had to be like, hi, this is. You have ADHD? And then what's interesting is that I think it gave a lot more understanding to my dad than it did to my mom. It helped my dad understand my mom, the relationship that the things that she was doing weren't because she didn't care about him, but they were literally a result of her brain being different.

Lizzy Plapinger

When I talked to my dad about it, you know, it was like, the way that someone's brain is, is not their fault, but it is their responsibility. It is their responsibility, yes. When it comes to connecting with others, I mean, this is life, and compromise is a part of it, regardless of who you are. And so, I don't know. But maybe the neurodivergence is gonna stop him from being able to meet you exactly where you want, but together, you guys can come up with some sort of system so that you feel safer.

Dax Shepard

And if he is willing to do that, I think that's a great step. And, like, that also tells you a lot that he's taking your needs into consideration. But if he's not willing, I think that's a bigger issue. Right. I mean, how are you going to be in a long term relationship?

You can't feel like this forever. Yeah. And the more specific, the better, with neurodivergence in general. So saying, I need to get a text from you. If you're in a long distance relationship, whatever that means to you, like, every day or once every two days, I need there to be a text or a phone call or again, if texting is overwhelming for him, just learn what works for him.

Lizzy Plapinger

And then again, you're gonna have to move a little bit to the center, but he's gonna have to move a little bit to the center. When I think about any relationship issue, I'm like, if both people are moving a little bit, that's great. If one person's constantly the one moving, like, that's the problem. And then resentment. I mean, there's just no way you're.

Ignoring your needs, and you're eventually going to be annoyed about that. Yeah. Okay. Good question, though.

Dax Shepard

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Support for synced comes from say. Okay. When I saw that say was sponsoring, I, like, made a squeal. Me too. Me too.

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Lizzy Plapinger

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Dax Shepard

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Monica Padman

Oh, oh, oh. This is tricky. Okay. My BFF's kid sucks. This is from Angela.

Dax Shepard

Hi, Monica. And Liz. Longtime listener, first time caller. I'm in an odd position. My best friend of ten plus years magically had our first babies within a few weeks of each other.

We're obviously gone through all the pregnancy, birth, parenting things around the same time, and it's been so lovely having someone in the thick of it with me. We've always joked how we do things opposite of each other at every junction, but still remain so close and respect each other's decisions. Now we have toddlers, and the more time we spend together, the difference in parenting decisions is glaring. From behavior discipline, sugar intake, sleeping, eating, potty training. It's hard for me to not think about the, quote, bad habits that are rubbing off on my kid and setting unrealistic expectations.

After every weekend together, it's like we have to reset and go back to real life. For example, when one kid is getting a sugary treat every 30 minutes, it's difficult for me to be the party pooper that, God forbid, serves a meal with some sort of protein and water to drink. How can I gently set boundaries and not ruin the friendship? Ooh, kids are so hard. And I've seen in my own friendship group, I think it's beautiful.

Everyone is parents very differently, but it all is fairly cohesive. There's not these massive, massive differences, but there are differences. And basically, it's your responsibility in your own family to tell your own kid, these are the rules in our house. And so I know Johnny gets 14 donuts a day, but that's not the rule here because I want you to have growing food. Whatever the rule is, whatever the real reason is it sucks that you're being put in that position, but it's just sort of standing by your own rules.

It's not about changing her rules, which I don't think she's really saying, but I guess distance, if you're really, like, this is taking a toll, then maybe you don't see them every weekend, but you need to figure out how that's gonna affect you. Like, if you really love having this mom in your life and this best friend in your life, I think you can just remember that boundaries are the things you won't do, not asking someone else to do something. Yeah. I also think, like, this is gonna happen. I remember being a kid, and at my house, there were certain rules.

Lizzy Plapinger

There's a whole TikTok trend about, like, if you were an ingredients household, like, you had no snacks. Oh, and so you would end up eating, like, chocolate chips as, like, a do. Now those are like, cookies. There's no cookies. There was no soda.

That was insane. The idea that I could have soda with dinner was crazy. But then I'd go to my friends houses, and there's different rules in every house. Yeah, they have different channels, they have cable, and you don't. They're allowed to do whatever.

And so that's kind of part of childhood, you know, I understand it's probably harder when they're younger for kids to understand that, but it's gonna happen. Kids are gonna be pissed off, and, like, that's kind of part of life. I don't think it's. You have to ensure that you're always, you know, on the same page with everyone that your kid will ever interact with. And right now, it seems like you are, are a little bit in charge of who they're hanging out with, but eventually you won't, and so why not get used to it now to, like, you know, have those kind of tough conversations with your kids for them to understand that they can't always get what they want.

Dax Shepard

That's how they do it in that house. And we have our own rules here. Totally. That's it. It's gonna be annoying for a bit.

They are gonna probably throw tantrums, and they're gonna be like, why can't I have this? And you can tell them why, right? You don't have to feel scared to say, I don't think sugar is good for your body. And you can say it if you need to in front of them. You don't have to tiptoe around it.

Stick to your rule. But I don't know that you need to remove the person. Yeah. Unless you don't feel good when, you know, maybe you're gonna hang out with other people for a while or less often. I understand.

Lizzy Plapinger

It's like, you want it to be fun for you as a parent, and if you're constantly kind of disciplining instead of hanging out and having more leisurely time, then, yeah, it might be time to step away a bit. And you probably won't agree with this, but I also think if you're openly saying these things, I would want my friends to be a little bit aware. That the behavior was bad. Yeah. Like, okay, maybe when we're hanging out with them, we'll sort of adjust a little bit.

That's what I would maybe expect over time. If you're saying things directly and honestly and, like, to your own kid, you're not saying it to them, but maybe that's tough. I don't think I'm following. Like, if we're hanging out and I'm constantly having to tell my kid, no, you can't have this, and you're constantly bringing popsicles and stuff that my kid can't have, I would also expect you, as my friend, to kind of notice, but maybe that's too much. I don't think it's too much.

Dax Shepard

That could be a conversation. I think it's hard to tell somebody else what to do and what not to do. I guess you could try to have that conversation. Like, my kid is struggling a lot with sugar, so I'm trying to have less of it in the house. Do you think today we could try to do no sugar?

Lizzy Plapinger

Can I bring snacks? You know, but ultimately, it is just about sticking to your own rules. That's a good question. And this is hard. Kids make things really hard.

Dax Shepard

Everyone parents differently. Every kid is different. The kids in a group will get in fights. How do the parents react to the kids getting in fights? I'm very impressed with my friend group.

I think everyone navigates it really, really well. I think the grownups are good about understanding that kids are kids, and when they are upset with each other, it's not reflective of the grownups. Yeah, they're good. I appreciate that. But kids are gonna yell each other, get in big fights.

They're gonna cry. It's gonna happen. Okay. Do we have time for one more? I think so.

It's 1111. Of course. Black cat. 1111. Oh, my gosh.

Okay, let's do. Okay, this is a fun one. How to confront my pilates instructor. This is from cat. This might sound like a silly question, but it's something that's been bothering me, and I haven't been able to muster up the courage to do something about it.

I go to Pilates classes five times a week at a small studio where the instructor is the owner. She has one of those room fresheners that automatically sprays fragrance every so often. I find the smell way too strong, and it makes me hold my breath every time. Not great when you're working out. I also worry about all the endocrine disrupting cancer causing chemicals and try to only use natural and non toxic products, especially since I have an increased risk of cancer from BRCA.

How do I approach her about this? Or should I just suck it up and live with it? Since it's her studio, I've thought about suggesting or even buying her a diffuser with essential oils instead. But I'm a bit shy, and bringing it up makes me nervous. Help.

Monica Padman

Ooh. I would change studios. Change studios. Cause if you're sensitive to all of this, probably the cleaning products are like, you know, there's gonna be other things that might not. You know, maybe I would call in again.

Lizzy Plapinger

I would change studios because I can't do confrontation. Even though this is, like, not even confrontation for most people. If it was the only one near me and, like, I need to go there, I would probably try and do it, like, anonymously. Like, I would write an email, is that bad? I would do that a million times before having the conversation.

But this is my worst nightmare. This is my mom's full time job when I was a kid, particularly when I was with her. So I was always embarrassed by it. If there was something she didn't think was clean or environmentally friendly, we would go and buy chips at a gas station, and she would yell at them for having porn magazines at my eyesight. Which, again, looking back, I'm like, everything she said made sense, but she had no qualms about it, and I just would be mortified.

So I think it's a weird thing that I have about it, but my mom. My mom would do it for you. That would be my advice. Mom will call. Okay.

Monica Padman

One. I actually think the same. I would also move studios, not because of the confrontation, but just because this is something I can't get over about this environment. So it's up to me to find something that works for me. But if there's nothing nearby, or it is just, like, the best workout of your life.

Dax Shepard

You could do it in an email, but not anonymously. But I think you could say, hey, I love your class so much. It's changed my life. I can't imagine not coming five times a week here. I'm just struggling a little bit with the fragrance and say, why?

Maybe. Or you can say, like, I'm super sensitive to smells, and I kind of feel like I have to hold my breath. I always say, like, this is a me issue. I'm so sensitive. I'm wondering if there's any workarounds where we don't spray the air freshener during those classes.

And obviously let me know if it's not an option. There's, like, a way to fray aware. Yeah, yeah. She'll probably be like, yeah, it's fine. I won't spray it while you're in the class.

That's probably how this is gonna go. It'll be easy. Or if she says, I really have to, then you go to a different place. Yeah. I would not feel offended.

It's a sweaty workout place. She's just trying to make it smell good. It's not her identity. I think it's gonna be totally fine if you approach it in a very self aware way and take responsibility that it's like, this is me. I know it's me.

I'm so sorry to ask, but is there any way she'll say yes or no? I just have so much. Yeah. Cause it scares you so much. What's the worst that could happen if you confront in the way I say it?

Monica Padman

Okay. Even now, it's challenging me to think about this. The idea that I would change an entire everybody's environment based on my preference would be. But again, that's my hang up. I actually think that's a very healthy way to look at it.

Dax Shepard

I think I feel that way. Like, if everyone likes something and I'm the only one who doesn't, that's sort of on me to then figure it out. But I bet maybe a lot of people this way. Yeah. Because also strong smells in a small environment that's trying to cover up when people spray febreze over their poop, but it just smells like poop plus flowers.

It's just bad. Yeah. So I think in this case specifically, it's okay to try. And if the instructor says, a lot of people have said they need it or they like it or they hate the smell in here, you'll have your answer. I mean, if this was strategy advice, I would say, don't make it about how sensitive you are.

Lizzy Plapinger

Then you're acknowledging that it's just a you issue as opposed to cause if the goal is to change, you would just say, like, it's kind of distracting. That would make me defensive. If I was a Pilates instructor and I made this decision, and then a person in my class was like, it's distracting. I would be like, go to another studio. But if they were like, I'm so sorry.

Dax Shepard

I'm having an issue, and I love it here, so I really don't want to go anywhere else. All of that. Yes, but you have to understand, it is your issue before I'm gonna make any changes for you. If you're just acting like it's objectively a problem when it's not objectively a problem, I'm like, no, okay. My thinking is, like, if you're acknowledging that you have a sensitivity, you're kind of acknowledging that to most people, this won't be a problem.

Lizzy Plapinger

But for you, it's a problem. Yeah, but that's what changes because of. One person, as opposed to, like, this might bother a lot of people, but. As long as it's not, like, negatively affecting the other people. Like, if she was like, I can only do downward.

Monica Padman

Duh. I mean, I'm not good at Pilates. I don't know Pilates terms. I can't do this full thing. Can you please not put that in the routine?

Dax Shepard

Like, that's a much different thing. This shouldn't negatively affect anyone. Anyone else. It should be fine to ask. That's funny.

I feel like your mixed message is a little bit on that, because you do ask. You ask for, like, changes in food and stuff. You're fine with that. To my own plate. But I feel bad doing.

Lizzy Plapinger

I don't love doing it. But you do it. But I do it. Cause I'm so picky. I mean.

Or else I won't eat. I'm sorry. So I'm surprised that hasn't changed your. No, you're right. This is revealing to me a lot.

I'm like, why is this so intense for me? And I'm pretty assertive. I'm a pretty assertive person. Right. But there's something about changing an environment.

My mom does this where she'll literally go to a restaurant, and then she'll be like, the music's too loud. You need to put it. And I'm like, mom, I can't. But again, my dad. It's like, my dad literally can't hear us.

But I'm just like, we have to go to a restaurant where there's lower music. Or ask if we can be maybe further away from the music. But we can't change the whole environment based on our preference. I'm generally. I'm on your page.

Monica Padman

Yeah. Everyone's different. Everyone is different. Okay, well, we have some other really, really great questions that I'm excited to get to next week. And you're gonna get on the plan?

Lizzy Plapinger

I'm gonna get on the man plan. On the man plan. Double man plan. I can't wait. Should we make people vote for the guys?

Dax Shepard

Well, they can't pick the second guy. Cause whoever we pick is bringing their single first. Yes, but who from the three? I'm finding three you guys in LA. I'll do my best.

Lizzy Plapinger

I mean, this is my life's work. I'm so excited. I love a challenge. I know. And specifically a department.

Monica Padman

Yes. I'm excited, too. I think it'll be a really fun game. I think I will be more myself in that group environment than I am on a one on one first date. I love this.

Lizzy Plapinger

I think I should report back a video. No, we can't. Yes. No, we're doing it. No, we're not.

That'll be part of the condition. No. Is this just a game or are we trying to maybe date these people? We're trying to date. Then we can't have video.

I videotaped the first time. How'd it go? We were together for a year, but I only did once and it worked. See? Okay, maybe we should do it.

Monica Padman

No. Cause it works. No. I'm gonna put a veto on that, even though I should never have suggested that. But we will reveal.

Lizzy Plapinger

We'll take a selfie. Honestly, if we reveal their identities, then we can't really talk about it. We're not gonna reveal their identities. Well, if we take a video, we would, so we shouldn't. We're not doing that.

Monica Padman

Okay. Okay. But we are going to talk about the options. Options. Okay.

Dax Shepard

Without giving any names and very personal details. Yeah. Cool. Can't wait. See you next week.

Monica Padman

Bye.

Synced: Double Man Plan

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1: Opening Discussion

2: Reflections on New York

3: Personal Anecdotes

4: Closing Thoughts

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