Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card IV

Dax Shepard
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Dax Shepard
Welcome, welcome. Welcome to armchair Anonymous. We love armchair Anonymous. We especially love today. Wild card.

Wild card. You don't know what you're gonna get, and that's fun. It's chef surprise. Is that what they called it? They call it chef's choice.

Monica Padman
Chef's choice. Remember that in elementary school? Did you ever have that? They have it at sushi restaurants. Oh, they do?

Dax Shepard
That's scary. O masake at sushi. I don't know. Raw fish. It was always a disaster at school.

I guess you had the lunch menu the week leading up to it, and one of the days would say chef's surprise. And it was always that gross two pound hot dog. The snoopy hot dog. Snoopy? Yeah.

They called it the Snoopy special on a normal day, but then when no one liked it, so then they would name it chef surprise. It was clearly whatever they needed to unload. The notion that the chef had curated something special for us, it never was that. It was always whatever thing we all agree is the worst is what's on Thursday. Remind me, at your school, was it cool or not cool to bring your own lunch?

I won't be objective about this. I only had packed lunch, so all I wanted was hot lunch. Okay. So to me, hot lunch was so cool. Your parents had dough.

They would fucking. Why don't you buy lunch today? Why don't you go out to lunch today when you're at school? That was the opposite. For it was me.

Monica Padman
Yeah. And us. What did it represent? Your parents didn't care about you, I think. Cause, no, it's just welfare.

Good food. So it was really good food at where I went to school. Rectangle pizza. Yeah, I think it represented. And then you had to carry your tray around, like, ugh, it's so embarrassing to have to carry your tray.

Dax Shepard
Oh, I loved carrying the tray. I was like, look at me. I got. I'm loaded. I'm going out to lunch today.

I was always trying to wheel and deal, try to trade one of my bologna sandwiches for some of that pizza. No one ever wanted anything. I brought either two bologna sandwiches or two cheese sandwiches, and that was it. And I got a quarter to get a milk. My mom was like, don't buy yourself something to eat, but go ahead and buy yourself a drink.

Monica Padman
And did you have the brown paper bag or did you have a lunchbox? A fucking brown paper sack. My mom would often put a banana in there. There would be some fruit, something extra. And often the banana would get bruised throughout the day, and then it would soften and leak the bag, and you'd pick your bag up out of your desk, and the whole fucking thing would break open like a meet cute.

Dax Shepard
But not a meat cute. No, not a meat cute. Too big and dumb. Oh, man. Yeah.

I did not. And it's funny. Cause my kids can have hot lunch if they want it, and they don't want it. See, and I'm so confused. I think that was more my gen, too.

Monica Padman
Or my school. Maybe just my school. I'd love to see some broad data on it. It has to be socioeconomic. It is.

Dax Shepard
I bet all the places that you can't afford it, you want it. Exactly. Yeah. I think it evolves, too. Like when you're little.

Little, you like hot lunch. But then when you get into, like, high school and you know about food. Oh, no, I liked it even more in high school. Cause then you could go up, and there were options. You could always get fries.

What about high school? Never the pizza. No, high school, never. You packed a lunch every day. Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Remember the pizza? The pepperoni on the pizza was just these tiny cubes. Do you remember that? Well, I do remember.

That was at the roller skating rink. We had slices, which is interesting. Cause yours was rectangular. Yeah. And I think Sabotazo pizza made all the pizzas for the whole country.

I really do. I'll do maybe a side episode about Sabotazo pizza. The pepperoni was tiny cubes. I know what you're talking about. Those are good.

Is that what yours were? It depends on the pizza. There was Schwann's pizza that had that. It's just a different way to prepare it at school. Yeah, not.

We had circular. Yeah, us too. Yeah. And you had rectangle on with cubes. I like that.

Cause they could get crispy. Like it was bacon, not Lardon or whatever they're called. I like both now, though. Like, if you put square cube with circular pepperoni. Yeah.

Monica Padman
But that's. Cause that's, like, high quality ingredients. Anywho, anyhow, there's no pizza stories. There is not. There is not.

But there's some other fun relief. They're wild and they're cardio. Even more card than there. One of them is hard to listen to. Like, one of them you probably shouldn't listen to.

Dax Shepard
All right. Please enjoy wild card. Hard times come and go good times take them slow.

Suzanne
I'm gonna keep on shining hello. Can y'all hear me? Wonderfully. Can you hear us? I can't.

Dax Shepard
Susan or Suzanne? I am Suzanne. I am from Lowburn, Georgia, right near Monica. You sound familiar. Oh, okay.

Suzanne
I don't know if I like that. Cause I'm originally from New Jersey, but I've been in the south for 20 some odd years. But I still like to think that I don't have that southern goal. See, you've picked it up a little bit. Yeah, I did a little bit.

It was bound to happen, I guess. It's charming. What I have come to be compassionate for all of us on is my little kids were in the backseat, and we were in Nashville for just four days. And my littlest one goes, mom. I have to really fight the urge to start talking like them.

Dax Shepard
As soon as I hear it, I just want to do it. I almost think there's something evolutionarily so you don't stick out, that you can pick it up really quick and then you're inclined to mimic it. Yeah. I mean, I moved to Tennessee when I was going into middle school. Worst time possible.

Yeah. And so it's like you have to adopt it or you will get mocked endlessly. They didn't like the way I spoke very much. Another sidebar. Looks like you're into sneakers, which I admire.

Suzanne
I am. I sadly only have my one pair of Jordans. I wear them sparingly. They just diminish in value as you accumulate more. They really do.

I mean, the kids are trying not to crease them. I've given up on that. There's gonna be creases. Okay, so. And you're still in Georgia?

I am. And what's so fun for Monica and I is that wild card. We just don't know. Only Emma knows. We don't know if you've shot and killed a werewolf repelled out of a skyscraper.

Dax Shepard
We don't know. I'm not that adventurous. Okay. But there are definitely some twists and turns. Oh, yay.

Suzanne
So just a little background. My wife and I got married back in 2014 at, actually, the Griffith Observatory. We had, like, a little pop up ceremony. Oh, sweet. It was closed.

There was nobody there to stop us. That's Dax's hike. Oh, should I say that? Oh, yeah, that's fine. I run into armchairs hourly.

Monica Padman
That's Dax's hiking spot. Yeah, yeah, exactly. We just hired a minister to come out. That was it. Just the two of us at the Griffs observatory.

Dax Shepard
Incredible. Best pictures ever. So after we got married, we started trying to conceive. Right away. We knew that we were both wanting children.

Suzanne
I was already 33, 34, so things were getting to that age. You're approaching geriatric. What are they called? Exactly. Yeah, exactly.

Dax Shepard
Such a nice word. My wife is younger, but we kind of thought I would be the carrier. So we tried that for a good two, two and a half years without any luck. And so we started turning our sights towards adoption. And my wife was on a, like, a Facebook group for women who just kind of, like, shared their problems.

Suzanne
It was like a community. She posted on there how she was so upset. This just wasn't happening. Explaining what our goals were. And then a lady responded and said, hey, can I message you privately?

So this woman named Chloe responds, says, hey, I'm three, four months pregnant. I'm a single mom of a six year old with some healthy needs. I can't do it. Oh, wow. I can't have this baby.

Do you want to talk about options? We were excited, but also, like, we've watched catfish. Yeah. Oh, this is questionable. She lived in California.

We were in Georgia. So we're like, we can't just say no, obviously, like, you're not going to give up that chance. We ended up just texting with her for a while and she told us about her job and her daughter and just her life. And so we kind of started to feel comfortable with her and we thought, well, let's go ahead and FaceTime. So we had a FaceTime with her.

We met her daughter. She was there. So we got to talk to her. Just got so much information. And then, of course, we hang up and we're like, we're going to go full spy on her.

Dax Shepard
Deep background. Yeah. Like, she told us the place of her employment. She even sent a picture of her license plate because of a vanity plate that we both had interests in. So we're like, okay, she's given a lot, but we were scared.

Yeah. And of course, anybody we told, they were like, whoa, whoa. I don't know that that's a good idea. What's sad is that you're right to have your guard up in that. I do think con artists prey on people that are in vulnerable situations, so they know people who are really kind of desperate for a solution.

And I think it's kind of wise to be aware of that. Absolutely. But we did it all. We checked it out. We found she worked where she said she worked.

Suzanne
She lived where she said she lived. Her daughter was who she was. So we're like, okay, let's start talking from there. It just kind of took off. She was three, four months pregnant at the time.

And so for four months, we texted, called facetime every day. It was almost, like, harmful for the relationship because we were spending so much time texting with this other person because we wanted to just have this connection with her. And she was like, sharing the pregnancy. She was having a really hard time. She was in the hospital off and on with a vitamin A deficiency, which is apparently harmful for the fetus.

Dax Shepard
Oh, boy. So we were concerned about that. Stressful. And then there is also, obviously takes two to make a baby. So we had biofather questions, right?

Suzanne
He was concerned because he wanted an open adoption, but that's not really possible when you're across the country from each other. And she's like, but we're going to therapy. I really, really feel like he's going to come around. So, oh, boy. We were feeling good.

Kept going. She got to about month seven and a half or eight, and at that point we're like, okay, we have to fly to California when the baby is born, but we don't know when the baby is born. And then laws state, if you're going to bring a baby across state lines as an adoption, you have to stay in that state for two or three weeks. They have to do the paperwork. It's this whole thing.

So we were just trying to figure out where do we stay? When do we come? How do we do this? And then we kind of started planning this all out with her. And my wife is just like, I just don't feel good.

Something's going to ruin this. It's not going to happen. And I don't know why. Maybe it's my fear of getting excited or being happy, and I'm, like, resistant to that. So she kind of pulled back, and I have that fault where I just trust to no end, and I'm like, believe the best in the person.

They're fine. That's a nice quality, but it can bite you. Really gets you every once in a while. So a few weeks after my wife pulled away, I was still chatting, but then probably around eight months, she posted something on her facebook about, hey, I got a tattoo today. I don't think that you're supposed to do that when you're pregnant.

And then she posted something about a music festival that she was excited about that was coming up. And we looked at it. It turns out it was on the date of the due date. What? God, she almost played it.

Dax Shepard
I mean, what a mistake as a con artist. But you're seeing her every day, so you're seeing. She's pregnant. We're seeing. She's, like, sending baby bump pictures.

Suzanne
She sent ultrasound pictures. Okay, okay. She was every step talking to us, telling us the therapist's name. We were getting a lot of information that I think you're always still cautious in the back of your head, but we're like, it's all checking out. So we were like, okay, something's not right.

But if we confront her and she is pregnant and we just called her a liar, is she going to be like, fine, I'm out if you don't trust me. We were hesitant because she never asked for money, she never asked for help. We offered because she was a single mom. We were like, we can help maternity close. We can do this, that, and the other.

And she's like, no, I just want a happy home for my child. But at that point, my wife went back to the Facebook group where she had met her and just posted, hey, does anybody know her in real life? Have you ever met her? And a lady came forward and said, oh, yeah, I just had lunch with her a couple of weeks ago. We had sushi.

Dax Shepard
Yeah. And we were like, well, she's eight months pregnant, so is she. And she was like, oh, God, no, no. Not even a little pregnant? No, no.

Monica Padman
What? No, I know. And so we were just like, what was going on here. We started telling this woman about the pregnancy, the father, everything that's been happening over five months. And it turns out the description of the father that we had received was a description of this woman's husband.

Dax Shepard
Here we go. Wow, wow, wow, wow. The three of them were in a relationship, oh, like six months prior, and they were as a throuple trying to conceive. Oh, my God. Does she really have a daughter?

Suzanne
She does have a daughter. Okay. Because we were, like, a part of her real Facebook page. We were seeing her grandparents post. She did not at all hold back any of her personal life.

Monica Padman
So is the husband the father of the kid also? No, but the husband and wife were in a relationship with her. They decided they were going to live as a family and that they were going to try and conceive. And whichever one got pregnant. That's great.

Dax Shepard
This guy must have some rhythm. Seriously, that woman was like, well, did she conceive with my husband? Right. And then regretted it and then maybe have miscarriage. Like, what is going on here?

Suzanne
So we finally confronted her via text, and we're like, hey, listen, we just talked to so and so. And she told us, and we said, my wife's been concerned for a couple months now. She's like, well, if you were concerned, why didn't you just tell me? And that was it. It was on you.

Dax Shepard
Oh, my God. What? She didn't deny it either. She didn't deny it. That's so curious.

Monica Padman
What was she showing you? Was she bored? As soon as you said vitamin a deficiency, I'm like, okay, she's laying track for needing medical assistance and tough pregnancy. Like, she's definitely setting up that she's gonna need money. But then she didn't.

Dax Shepard
And then she didn't deny it. So it's not like she was living in some fantasy she bought into. This is so peculiar. Maybe she has, like, some version of Munchause, multiple personalities or something. And I will add, she is in the medical field, so that tracks with a munchauser.

Oh, and her kid has special needs. And she works with children with special needs, which was a concern. And then it was like, well, what do we do? Do we just let her go on with her life? Exactly.

Like, where do you even report someone? Like, the fire department, they didn't give her money, right? At that point, I was like, I'm done. I put my trust in her. I'm out.

Out of ten. Excitement level that a baby's arriving. Where had you allowed yourself to get to? And were you heartbroken, or was that taken over by resentment and anger? I was probably at, like, an eight or nine in the excitement because it had gotten so far along.

Yeah, you really start preparing. Oh, no. Were you doing nursery and stuff? We hadn't started while we were trying to conceive. We had been collecting baby stuff for years at this point, but, yeah, I think anger took over grief, actually, on the due date, we had, like, it's not a baby shower.

Suzanne
Just to, like, try and add some levity to it. The time that we'd wasted that we could have been exploring other avenues, I mean, it was heartbreaking. So she never spoke to us again. We never had interactions. My wife reached out to her grandparent and was like, just so you know, this is what your grandchild is doing.

They didn't really have anything to say. Well, she probably didn't turn out that way. Cause everything was ideal. Sure. Give her some grace.

You have to have some sympathy, because I think she was just lonely. She was getting so much attention from. Us, and she was important to you. She was valuable. She was needed.

Monica Padman
Yeah, but honestly, that is Munchausen's. You're looking right at Munchausen's. It is. I know it's being needed. Necessary.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. In the end, it's a blessing. Three years after that, COVID started, all of these parents were home with their kids, lamenting about, oh, my God, they're here all day. And we just kind of looked at each other. Oh, thank God we don't have kids, because we're just home, the two of us.

Suzanne
And then fast forward three months. We get a call from the foster. We had gone through foster care training saying, hey, we have three siblings that we're looking for an adoptive parent for. Are you interested? And we said, absolutely, we are.

Dax Shepard
Whoa. You went from zero to three? We went from zero to three. So three weeks later, we had a one year old boy and then four and five year old girl. Oh, my gosh.

Suzanne
They're now five, eight, and nine. Oh, and how's it going? Oh, God, it's hard. There was definitely a long transition period of just the sound levels. Yeah, well, and this is great.

Dax Shepard
I talk about this all the time. So had you had those children, your body would have produced a surplus of oxytocin to dull all that and make you stupid for a while. And I would tell my wife, you know, that crying sounds different to you. And I, and you have three of it, and it's three kids who came in with trauma so they have his histories that affected behaviors and affected their responses to love or attention. And so that was our bigger thing.

Suzanne
I always told my parents, you made three look so easy because I was the youngest of three, and they just kind of laughed like, we fooled you good. But it's even, like, another step higher when it's a trauma based child because their reactions are not what you think they are. You know, they're not throwing a fit because you took away their snack that they weren't supposed to have. They're throwing a fit because they have food insecurity, and that means something to them. Yes.

They're hiding food for a reason, not just because they're not listening to you. No. The patience that you have to have. I thought I had a lot of patience until I became a parent. I quickly realized that all your own insufficiencies come out when you become a parent, and you're like, oh, need to work on that.

Dax Shepard
They fucking teach you patience in a way, because you have no choice but to adapt and get them. It's the stress of always. Can you do enough to undo what was done to them? We kind of naively thought the one year old, oh, God, he's fine. We got him early enough.

Suzanne
Right now he's five. And you're kind of seeing things come out. You know, it's like the body keeps the score. We see that lived out on the daily, certain times of year. They don't know why they're in a state, but it's because that was when they removed from their first house.

They don't know that, but they know it. This whole experience must give you just the utmost amount of empathy for everyone, even just the way you're speaking about all of this, like, understanding, oh, that behavior is not actually about that behavior. I'm sure you see the world so much differently now. I do, because I was definitely, I think, a person before parenting that I was like, oh, why is that kid acting that way? Or I would never let my child x, y, and z, and I see it in other parents when they're seeing my children, and you just have to say, you know what?

They're processing and they're doing great for their circumstance. You have to buy those little wins and just say they're going through it and they're surviving it. Our hope is that we can just provide the stable foundation now with us and with therapy and everything we can do, they can still be successful. Do they have a crazy bond between the three of them? They do.

I mean, they argue but our three are perfectly happy to sit and play together. We have friends over, and they're still playing, the three of them. I think when you foster or adopt, there's, like, a requirement, I think, on those parents is to act like they're so happy all the time and that everything is wonderful. And that's something we struggled with. I remember calling my sister who has kids, and I was like, okay.

You know, they always say, but at the end of the day, it's worth it. And I'm like, am I supposed to feel that way every day? And she was like, oh, hell, no. Once a month, if you get that. Once a year, you're golden.

I'm like, okay. Because sometimes I'm like, oh, my God, what have we gotten ourselves into? But in the end, we can give them the love and the support and give them the services that they need. It's a fight. You have to fight with schools.

You have to fight with society so much that's really pitted against them. Fuck, I'm so grateful you're doing that. You're so admirable. Really. Thank you.

They really made our dreams come true, you know? Everybody's like, oh, my God. It's such a great thing you're doing. I'm like, this is exactly the family we wanted. And now I'm 44, and I have all three, and we don't have to worry about it.

Dax Shepard
Yeah, real turnkey, Suzanne. This was wild. Yes. Thank you so much for sharing it. Yeah.

I'm really moved by this. I asked about how close they are because I will just say, because I was in so many different houses and there were so many different people, dudes and stuff. My brother and I were like, oh, right. But you're always here. No matter where we go, you're here.

I need you. I love you. Regardless of how well we get along at all times, I have a bond with him that I do think is unique between siblings, and I just hope they have that and I hope you can see it. Of the silver linings of all that stuff. It's a pretty big one.

Suzanne
You know, we tell them now, I promise you're gonna be best friends one day. Oh. Even if they don't get along, they'll kill for each other. Exactly. They're doing awesome.

So we could not be happier. Well, pleasure means thanks so much. Nice of love. Thank you. It was nice to meet you guys.

Dax Shepard
All right. Bye. Bye. Bye. We're garbage.

I'll speak for myself. I'm garbage. I could be doing more. That's incredible. So incredible.

Monica Padman
Those kids. Lucky three kitties. Very lucky. Unlucky kids and lucky kids. This little of that.

Dax Shepard
Here's Greg. Greg. Hey, what's going on? How are you? Are you in New Zealand?

Why is it dark where you're at? I'm in a closet. I have just, like, a small, little light in here. And my wife's like, you're gonna look like a serial killer. You don't not look like a serial killer, but you also look friendly, which is maybe the most dangerous kind of serial killer.

Greg
That's true. I don't dress up like a clown or anything, so that's good. I feel like if you were gonna dress up, I'd wanna see you more in a pirate garb. My wife and I used to do theater before kids. I've played a pirate before.

Dax Shepard
Yeah, you would really, really do well as a pirate. And then just real playful. Headset. Your headphones are half blue, half red. Yes.

Greg
They're my oldest daughter's Nintendo switch headset. That explains it. Greg, where are you at in the country? I am in Canton, Ohio. It's just like an hour south of Cleveland.

Dax Shepard
Wonderful. We love our Ohio neighbors, our buckeyes. Buckeyes. Buckeyes. I am not a sports person at all.

Greg
So I'm a nerd. Theater nerd. That's why I'm free to like people from Ohio. Cause I'm not really a sports guy. Yeah, I don't have any beef.

Dax Shepard
We're indistinguishable Michiganders and Ohioans. Right? We just try to get along with everybody. Do people know this, though, that one of the few wars that have happened on american soil was the Michigan Ohio war? No one knows that.

The total casualties were like, a farmer's. Two pigs were killed. We'll look that up. We'll fact check the Toledo war. 1830 518 30 05:00 a.m..

I. Right. About the death total, being a pig? No one died. How do you call it?

A war of. No, it was an argument. The Toledo argument. There was a non fatal stabbing of a law enforcement officer. Well, sometimes they're called.

Monica Padman
Oh, maybe that's why you're confused. That was quick. Okay, Greg, hit us with your wild card story. All right, so this takes place in December of 2020, just a few days after my birthday. When's your birthday?

Greg
December 8. Okay. We just moved in to our new house. Work's crazy. A lot of people got laid off.

And I'm working third shift. I tell my wife I'm so tired. I need a break. So I took a vacation day and third shift's nights. Yeah, it's like a 10:00 at night to six in the morning shift.

That's not what our bodies. We're not nocturnal. I take a vacation day. I'm at home with the girls. I've got two girls.

Dax Shepard
Congrats. Thank you. They're amazing. So we're hanging out. My wife's at work.

Greg
We both had essential jobs. Right around noon is when she would call and say, hey, I'm on my way home. Do you want me to pick up some lunch or anything? The kids are outside with the dog. I run in the house, grab my phone, say, oh, maybe she's gonna call.

I hear the garage door open. I'm like, oh, crap, the kids are outside. The dog's outside. The dog's gonna get out because he had just gotten out a couple weeks before this. So I'm like, oh, great, now I gotta go run and look for the dog.

So I run outside. My wife's standing next to her car, holding the dog by the collar, and her car is moving. Oh. And I'm like, well, that's weird. Why is her car moving?

She's not in it. My first instinct, I'm thinking, oh, maybe it's just in neutral. It's just rolling because it's not going fast at all. I get in front of it to try to just, like, push on it to see if it's just rolling and I could stop it. That's not the case.

My youngest daughter, she was a year old at this point. She's, like, basically under the bumper. Oh, she. Wait, what? Yeah, it's a Honda Cr v.

So it's kind of like an extended little bumper before you get to those first wheels. It's high. She's practically under it. I pick her up, I'm like, oh, my gosh. Trying to get out of the way of this car.

And as I turn, the car knocks me over, proceeds to roll over top of me while I'm still holding my daughter. What? No. Oh, my God. What is going on?

Dax Shepard
There's a phantom. Do you think to chuck your daughter? It was kind of cold that day, being December in Ohio, so she was in her puffy winter coat, and I just slid her across the garage floor. And I'm just like, this is it. I'm done.

Monica Padman
Whoa. It's just this excruciating, hard to explain pain just rolling up my leg. Your brain just kind of shuts down. You don't even know what's happening at this point. Isn't it quick, how immediate your body goes, oh, this is gonna be too much for us.

Dax Shepard
You're not even gonna experience this. We just shut down. So I just let out this tribal scream, like, I'm in pain. I don't really know what happened, but I did stop the car on my leg. Then my wife had to proceed to back the car off of it, and that's when it broke.

Greg
I heard it, felt it. I almost would rather just feel it than hear it. Was it loud? Was it like a shotgun? Or was it just, like, a subtle.

I heard it. I don't know if anybody else did. I think my wife was just more in, like, freaking out, panic, getting the kids. Fuck this. This is too much.

Monica Padman
I need more information. He's gonna. He's gonna hit us right now. I know we need it soon. Cause I am, like, so confused right now.

Greg
It turns out she got out of the car and left it in drive. So that's why it was rolling. Cause she just panicked. Oh, the dog's there. I don't want em to run out.

I don't want em to get onto the busy road. She just got out of the car, like, really quick. But then it stopped on my leg. Cause it's like a speed bump at that point. So she's trying to call 911.

And my wife will admit it, that she is a freezer. She just froze. She's dialing every number but 911. Four, five, six, you know, three, one, whatever. I'm laying on the ground of the garage at this point, and I just, like, army crawl across the floor, and I proceed to call 911.

I'm in pain. I'm shaking. And I'm just like, uh huh. Yes, hello. I have just been run over by a car.

I need an ambulance. They're like, are you on the road? Where are you? Oh, I'm in my garage. They asked, you know, are you working on it?

No, I wasn't working on it. It just rolled over me. It was too hard to explain. I've called 901 a couple times in my life, and I end up getting so frustrated with the details that they want at that moment that I think are completely extraneous. Like, who gives a fuck?

Dax Shepard
Tell me that there's an ambulance on the way. Ambulance comes. The wife had to give a police statement because it dealt with an automobile. She's bawling. The youngest that I tossed across the floor.

Greg
She's just shook. She's just, like, staring. Like, what happened? They get me on the gurney. Then he asks if they can cut the pant leg of my sweatpants that I was wearing at the time, that was the part that I was the most upset about, because they were great sweatpants.

Dax Shepard
Oh, sure. You get attached to these favorite sweats. Yeah. You wear them in. So he proceeds to cut the pants, and I'm expecting to see gore blood, bone.

Greg
There wasn't. It was surprising. So they get me the hospital. They take the x ray. The doctor comes in, and he's like, we need to do an MRI, because we're pretty sure your bones are broken.

But we can't really tell. So they do the MRI, and they find out that both the tib and the fib are fractured right below the knee. Okay. But they haven't separated entirely. These are fissures in there now.

Yeah. They were so surprised, like, what happened? So I'm now sitting in the room I call my wife, seeing, like, how she's doing. Most importantly, how's the youngest? Is she okay?

Did I hurt her when she slid across the floor? Wouldn't you believe it? The youngest finally spoke, and what she said was, daddy pushed me. Oh, boy. First words, I saved her life.

I pushed her out of the way of getting run over, and she said, daddy pushed me. That's probably the thing that hurt the most in the whole day. Yeah. I was like, what do you mean? I wasn't doing it maliciously.

It was pretty crazy. And to top it all off, that week I had just signed up for my life insurance policy, and I'm like, what are you trying to do to me? Sure. And also, how suspicious. They would have investigated the hell out of her had you died, left it.

In drive, got out to save the dog. Oh, sure. Also, this sounds like the slowest moving catastrophe of all time. Right? It's like a very unspectacular way to almost get killed.

It was going, like, half a mile an hour. It was like the scene from Austin Powers with the steamroller, if you remember that part. Free stop. And they're, like, a mile away, and it just keeps slowly inching towards. I bet what happened is there was too many decisions to make.

Dax Shepard
Does she go for the dog, the kid, her husband? The car, the house? Yeah. Is the car gonna drive through the house? Too many options.

Not cool under fire. It could have been a lot worse, obviously, but it was just so random. That garage ended up being cursed. They got ran into by a food delivery driver, and then our cars got trapped in the garage for, like. Oh, geez.

Oh, well, Greg, thanks for telling us that. I'm glad you made it out. Me too. Same. Would it be okay if my wife said hello?

Of course. Get her in that dark closet. Here's the culprit. Hi. Hi.

What's your name? I'm Courtney. Nice to meet you. Yeah. You have an immediate sweetness that I understand why that was an overwhelming situation.

I can just see. Yeah, that was a lot. Yeah. Yeah. I was like, Monica's gonna hate dogs even more now.

Monica Padman
I didn't say it, but I did think maybe that wasn't the creature worth saving in the moment, you know? But I get it. I mean, I don't, but I do. It did make me hate dogs, but it did make me think, why on earth, when we have two kids, it's so much that we also throw dogs in the mix. Cause we're in that same situation once a month.

Dax Shepard
We're driving around the fucking neighborhood looking for these assholes, and there's coyotes out. We got our hands full with just the two humans. Yeah, we're gluttons for punishment. Well, we had him first. Oh, okay.

That's fair to him. Everybody's okay. It's all that matters. It's our craziest story. It had to be told.

Well, nice meeting both of you. Nice to meet you. Okay, take care. Bye. Here comes Morgan.

Hi. Can you hear me? Yes. Can you hear us? Yes, I can.

You've got the duck, duck, goose. Aw, it looks so cute on you. It really does. Do you get compliments on it? I do.

Courtney
I've actually been wearing it when I travel an airport. Uh huh. In hopes that I'll find an armchair in the wild. Oh, has it happened? It hasn't happened yet, but there's still time.

Dax Shepard
Where are you at, Morgan? I am in Wenatchee, Washington, which is right in the center of Washington state. What's happening in the center? It's mountainous, it's dry, so it's high desert. We have the Columbia river running through.

Courtney
We get snow in the winter, really hot summers. It's beautiful. So the Columbia River's running through there. How far are you from hood river, which is also on the Columbia river? Very far.

We're pretty far. So it's probably about 5 hours. Okay. And what occupations exist there? What's the industry?

So we're the apple capital of the world. Apple capital. Lots of agriculture. My husband works in AG, so he's a fruit salesman. And then healthcare.

And I work in healthcare. Okay, so you have a wild card story. Does it take place in Washington? It actually takes place in Mount Hood, Oregon. Oh, wonderful.

This story takes place in the summer of 2017. So at this time, I was 22 years old. I had just started my career as a nurse, and I met another nurse on the unit I was working on who found out that I had some mountaineering experience. We had kind of gotten to know each other, done some hiking together, and she's like, hey, I want you to teach me how to climb mountains. Okay.

Dax Shepard
And really quick, what was her assessment of your skill level versus what it really was? And were you flattered that she was referring to you as an expert, and were you leaning into it? These are all the things that could have happened to me personally, so I. Had a lot of experience at that point, actually. So I had been mountaineering with my dad since I was 15.

Courtney
I climbed Mount Rainier for the first time when I was 16. Whoa. And then by this time, I had climbed all five volcanoes in Washington. Okay, so you're legit. You've been at it for seven years at this point.

Dax Shepard
How long does it take to get to the top of Rainier? Is that the longest hike? Yeah, it's about the longest, and it's the tallest technical mountain in the lower 48 states. So it takes about two days because you hike halfway the first day, rest a little bit, and then hike to the very top the second day. And what's that rest like mid mountain?

Monica Padman
Are you hanging in those cocoons? I've seen some people hanging in cocoons. I think that's very extreme. It's not that extreme. You bring tents, and we sleep on.

Courtney
It's pretty flat ground about halfway up, but you don't really sleep because you go to bed at, like, six or 07:00 p.m. And then you wake up, like, at midnight. Okay, so it's just a nap at. A time that you can't fall asleep. Yeah.

Cause you're, like, kind of anxious and anticipating it, so it's not good sleep. You're almost better off going to bed at four. Calling it a nap that goes too long, just framing it mentally. But I think they're on a very tight sketch. Yeah.

So I wasn't the best, but I had a decent amount of experience. She kind of knew my story, so she felt confident going with me. This is my friend Caitlin, who asked me to teach her to climb mountains. I was super excited that she had asked me because I had mainly climbed with my dad and his 50 year old buddies. So I was, like, to have someone my age who's female to climb with.

So we set a plan in place. We're going to train all spring. So we're going to hike, we're going to do some rucksacking, which I know you're familiar with, next. And so our plan was to do Mount Adam Adams in May, which is not super technical, Mount Hood in June. And then our end goal was going to be to climb Mount Rainier again for me in July and start from, like, the least technical to the most technical.

So we do Mount Adams successfully. So we start planning our trip for Mount Hood. Our Mount Hood team consisted of me, my friend Caitlin, my dad, and then some of his climbing buddies. So all people we knew had experience. So we leave the day before to drive up to Mount Hood, about a five hour drive, and we arrived at Timberline Lodge, which is where you start.

Dax Shepard
The climb and where the exteriors of the shining were shot. Exactly. So super cool, super beautiful lodge. On a clear day, you can see, like, a perfect view of Mount Hood. And so we arrive there, we have some dinner, and while we're having dinner, we look up on the mountain and we see that a helicopter rescue is happening.

Oh, okay. And on Mount Hood, I don't know the statistics, but they do a lot of helicopter rescues. Oh, God. And kind of the primary reason is because there's a ski resort there as well. And so people will go to the top of the ski lift, they'll see the top of the mountain, and they'll say, oh, it's not that far.

Courtney
To just keep going to the top of the mountain while they don't have the right gear or experience. And bad things will happen. This is something that could very easily happen to myself. I can see myself going, oh, yeah, that's just another couple clicks and it's a glacier, right? It is a glacier.

So with glaciers, you have the risk of crevasses, and crevasses are the big cracks in the glacier that pose a risk because you could fall into them. Yeah. And how do we feel about the difference between crevasses and a crevice? It's a crevasse in mountaineering. But isn't it just a crevice spelled differently?

Monica Padman
It's a crevice when it's not dangerous, I guess. Have you thought on this, Morgan? I've never thought about that, but now I'm gonna have to really think about it. There's two different words. Oh, it's two different words.

Dax Shepard
Crevice is small cracks in a surface, and a crevasse is huge, opening something. Okay, I kind of said it then. And when it's hyper dangerous, it's a crevasse. Crevasse. Cause you can lose your ass in it.

That's how you gotta remember scary. I'm already scared. Crevasse. Thanks. Wobbly wub.

Courtney
So we see the helicopter rescue happening and we're like, okay, makes me a little bit nervous, but I'm feeling pretty confident in our skills. Mount Hood is a little bit different from Mount Rainier and that you can pretty much do it in one push. You don't need to spend the night on the mountain. So our plan was to sleep in our cars at Timberline Lodge, and then we were going to wake up at midnight and climb to the top all in one push. And kind of the reason that you want to leave in the middle of the night is because that is when the snow is really hard and compact and it makes it much easier to climb.

And then you also avoid that weather that usually rolls in in the afternoon because you're typically off the mountain by the time the afternoon comes, we get everything packed and ready to go. Typically with mountaineering, you want to bring crampons, which are spikes that you hook to the bottom of your boots that are going to give you grip to be able to walk up the snow safely. And then you also need an ice axe. And that ice axe is there in case you fall. Then you're able to go into ice axe arrest, dig your ice axe into the snow and stop.

Also helpful if you're climbing something really steep, then you can put the ice axe into the snow. Have you ever used. Well, I won't say because maybe that's part of the story. Okay, nevermind. Yes.

I've used an ice axe for ice axe arrest before. And then sometimes when you're mountaineering, it's good to be roped together in case somebody falls into a crevasse. Then the two on the other ends can go into ice axe arrest and basically stop that person from falling in the hole. On Mount Hood, you don't typically use ropes. And the reason being is because the last section to get to the top of Mount Hood is a really narrow chute.

If you're roped together and someone falls and you're not able to catch yourself, you're basically going to take out everybody below you and, like, clothesline them. Go one, go, all together we climb, divided, we slide off the sign. Yeah. So that section of the climb also is called the pearly gates. Oh.

Everyone's like, oh, that's such a beautiful name. And that, to me, feels like you're going through the pearly gates to go to heaven. Yeah. You only get to the pearly gates because you've died. You could call it death's door.

Dax Shepard
That would be the exact same. But for some reason doesn't sound as optimistic. Pearly sounds like beautiful pearl necklace. Yeah. And so we start climbing.

Courtney
So because it's pitch dark out, we have our headlamps on the first part of the climb. We're walking on rock because it's summertime, so a lot of the bottom part had melted off. As we continued to climb, it turned to snow and ice. It gets quite a bit of traffic in the summertime because that's when a lot of people will climb. And so we're walking in a boot path that had already kind of been established.

Mount Hood. It's not a super far distance to get to the top. It's only about three and a half miles, but it's 6000ft of elevation gain. Okay, that's steep. So it's like straight uphill.

As we're going, our group kind of splits apart, which is typical. Everybody kind of goes at their own pace. Me, my friend Caitlin and one of my dad's friends are kind of down below. And then the rest of the group has gone up a little bit. We haven't put on our crampons yet.

Those spikes that go on your boots. And we're kind of walking and I'm like, it seems like it's getting kind of slick right now. We should probably stop and put our crampons on, but nobody else is doing it, so I'm sure it's fine. Yeah, yeah, sure. Oh, no.

We get up a little bit further and decide to stop to have some water. So we step off to the side of the trail and I go to open my backpack. And I had made a rookie mistake of hooking my helmet strap underneath my backpack strap. That closes it. So as soon as I open my backpack strap, my helmet strap flips out and my helmet just goes speeding down the hill.

Dax Shepard
Okay. So before I can even think rationally, I go to step and try to grab the helmet and my feet just slip out from underneath me. Oh, my God. Cause it's basically a sheet of ice. Because we're no longer in that boot path.

We are supported by betterhelp. We've been busy. We've been very busy. How's your social battery right now? Um, it's pretty low, although I think I'm coming back.

You're on the upswing? I'm on the upswing. But for a minute it was low. And you just had therapy on Saturday. I saw you right after you had had it.

Monica Padman
Did I feel happy? Yeah. You felt level? Yeah I felt it. I've been talking about that therapy session all week.

I learned something really important in that therapy session and I have been sharing it well again. It can be easy to ignore our social battery and spread ourselves thin, especially with social gatherings picking up after the winter. Whats the right amount of socializing for you and how do you recharge? Maybe you thrive around people or maybe you need some time alone. Therapy can give you the self awareness to build a social life that doesnt drain your battery.

Dax Shepard
And when you are feeling worn out from socializing, therapy can help give you the tools you need to take care of yourself and recharge because a full battery is the key to a full life. If youre thinking of starting therapy, give better help a try. Its entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapist anytime for no additional charge. Find your social sweet spot with betterhelp.

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Dax, we are supported by Viator now. Monica, I'm going to Lisbon. So exciting. And I'm going to use Viator because, you know, I can book a tuk tuk tour of the city on Viator. Yeah, I feel like you can look up even other fun things you guys can do together.

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Courtney
So I start falling, and I don't have my crampons on. I don't have my ice axe because it's hooked to my backpack. I don't have gloves on. I don't have my helmet. Obviously, it's speeding down the hill.

So as I start falling, I look up, and I just briefly remember somebody trying to slide me their ice axe, and it was someone who wasn't with us. And I can see it in my headlamp, and I reach for it, and I miss it. Oh, that's a mixed bag. First of all, great impulse on that person. Also, what a generous sacrifice.

Dax Shepard
Lastly, an ice ex coming at you in the dark. You're lower than it. Also potentially, like a cranium splitter. But it was the only thing you're. Gonna need, this switchblade catch, you know?

Monica Padman
Yeah, sure. You're gonna need a butcher's knife catch. I quickly pick up speed, and I don't have anything to stop myself. And so my instinct is basically to just start clawing at the snow as I'm sliding with my fingers, like, trying to get some kind of grip. And the other thing I forgot to mention is it was pretty high winds that morning, which is normal with mountaineering.

Courtney
But the thing was, as I was obviously screaming really loudly, but no one could hear me unless you were right next to me. I probably slid. It felt like an entire lifetime, but I probably slid for about 30 seconds, and all of a sudden, I feel someone jump on top of me. Ooh, a hero. And that person was doing the right thing and had crampons on, so they were able to bring us both to a stop.

Dax Shepard
Wow, I'm so jealous of this person. What a hero or a shero? And so he, this young gentleman.

Courtney
I knew you were gonna think it was not me. Why haven't we seen that meet cute?

Dax Shepard
You slide to a stop, he's laying on top of you. Jumped on.

Hold on. Think of the perfect thing. He says when you slide to a stop, he goes, oh, that was close. He's from England. Oh, he's english.

Yeah. They're always in the meet queue. Oh, wow. Well, that was close. And you're like, oh, my God, he's got such a funny sense of humor.

Almost died. I thought he was gonna make some sort of innuendo about sliding it in. Okay, let me try that. Okay, well, that went in easy. And then you realize he was inside.

That was an accident. Rob's got one. You can break the ice. Oh, that's a nice break. Oh, okay.

Monica Padman
That could go either way, depending on how he looks. His looks are gonna really determine whether that was a high quality. Okay. Oh, okay. Sorry.

Dax Shepard
We're ever romantic. No, I love it. Sorry, I got one last one. Oh, no. I never thought when I went to sleep in me truck that I'd wake up next to such a beautiful girl.

Monica Padman
No, I don't like that. I just want to bring in the baby. He, too, had slept in his truck. Oh, yeah, I forgot even about. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dax Shepard
But it's an inside climbers joke. Sorry, sorry. That's the last one, I think. If you have any more, I'm all ears. So he brings me over to the side of the trail.

Courtney
Such a nice man. I can tell he's probably has some military background. And he's like, I have my first aid kit. I'm a nurse, so I kind of, like, assess myself for injuries. I'm okay.

But I definitely, like, ripped open my hand pretty good from trying to stop myself. Okay. On the palm, like, the tips of my finger. Oh, the nail bed area. There's some pictures on the table right there.

Greg
Oh, we have some pictures. Okay. Yeah, absolutely. So, for the listener, the hand looks like it went through a meat grinder. Oh, yeah.

Monica Padman
Looks awful. I mean. Sorry. Okay, hold on. Maybe I have a new one now that I look at this.

Dax Shepard
So he's on top of you, he looks down, and he sees this hand, and he says, well, you've made a proper mess, haven't you? No, that. Then it's like there's shame. Okay, all right. All right.

We'll keep trying. That's why when you write scripts, you throw a lot of spaghetti at the wall. Yeah. This is a writer's room. Okay, so, yes, your hand is thoroughly scratched to oblivion.

Oh, it's perfect. In fact, for reference, you're missing a chunk of skin the exact same size as each nail, directly above the nail. They're almost perfectly the same size as the nails. Okay. Definitely a flesh wound, but not super comfortable.

Courtney
So he has his first aid kit and, like, wraps up my hand for me, which was really nice. By that time, Caitlin and my dad's friend had made their way down the hill with my crampons and all of my gear, because basically they saw me, like, slip into blackness. I have to keep reminding myself. It's dark. Exactly.

Dax Shepard
It seems preposterous. Anyone's climbing at night. At night. But I guess that's how it's done. Yeah.

Courtney
So they make their way down, they find me, they help me put my crampons on. I'm 22 years old at this time, and so I don't think I really knew any better. And I'm like, yeah, let's just keep climbing. It's fine. Well, here's where I need to check in.

Dax Shepard
The fact that Caitlyn had just observed you make such a bozo move, were you dealing with a little bit of embarrassment, too? Because I was. I'm sure I was humiliated. You're supposed to be the old pro. The fact that someone had to save me who was wearing the right gear, that's just so embarrassing.

Monica Padman
Thank God, though. So I'm like, yeah, let's just keep going. It's all good. It's all fine. And so we keep going up the hill, and we meet up with the rest of the group, and they're like, where have you guys been?

Courtney
And I'm like, I almost died. Don't tell Caitlin, but I am much more scared than I'm letting on. How many people die doing this a week? A lot. Well, I think it's more than at Mount Hood or anywhere.

Monica Padman
How many climbers? Oh, jeez. Annually. He'll figure it out. And maybe we shouldn't do it while Morgan's on the phone.

Dax Shepard
This might still be her passion. 28 a week. 28 a year. Per year. That's not bad.

Monica Padman
That's actually not a bad. We can live with that. Okay. 111 injuries. Okay, well, that's not terrible.

Really not as bad as I would. More people die, probably roller skating. True. Okay, all right. All right.

Courtney
So we meet up with them, we keep climbing, and we get to this section that's kind of right below the pearly gates. So right before it starts to get pretty technical, and we're just kind of, like, regrouping, and we run into the guy who saved me. Wow, he lapped you guys. He's on his way down. Yeah, I recognize him.

And I'm like, thank you so much. Like, you saved me. And the second photo that I sent in is actually a selfie that we took with the guy who saved me, the hero, his group. Hold on, I'm going to try to guess which one's the hero because we have three dudes in this photo and one is got his jacket all the way buttoned up. And he's got an orange helmet on.

Dax Shepard
And I want it to be this raw dog on the far right that looks like he's going to a billy idol concert in the eighties. But I have a hunch it's the guy with the orange helmet on. Let me hold on. Okay, then Monica's going to pick. I mean, I agree the one on the right is hot, but he doesn't prepare.

Monica Padman
But maybe he took his helmet off for the picture. I think it's the guy with the orange helmet. I think he's the Boy scout. Which one was the middle guy? It was the middle one.

Yeah. Yeah. The one with the orange helmet. I'm the other guy. I would have been, like, too busy making sure my hair looks sweet to rescue the girl.

His jacket isn't even zipped up. No, it's too hot for a jacket. Oh, my God. It was really funny because they were not stoked to be taking a selfie with us. I think they were maybe a little bit annoyed.

Dax Shepard
Okay. They're like, this isn't funny, guys. Well, because they were like, do you think they were like, these amateurs shouldn't be doing this. She almost died. And now they're up here laughing, taking selfies.

Monica Padman
I would feel. I think that might have been the vibe. Raw dog on the right. I don't think he slept in his car. I think he was at a bar at about 10:00 p.m.

Dax Shepard
And was like, fuck it. Should we make a run up to the Pearly gates? Maybe he was still up skier. He was, like, one of those, like, ski guys. Okay, so you're at the Pearly gates.

Courtney
So we start going up towards the pearly gates. We kind of get up on the glacier, and it starts to get really steep. And, of course, it's still icy. It's starting to get a little bit light outside, though, as you can see in the picture. But my adrenaline started to come down a little bit.

And I started to get really uneasy. Just like everything was starting to settle in. Yeah, yeah. And so I told the group, I was like, I don't feel comfortable going on. I really feel like I need to turn around.

Which is very rare. I normally would just push through and keep going. This seems way harder to bail out than does to finish. Especially because you're so close to the end. But that was the smartest pressure.

Dax Shepard
Yeah. Me, my dad and my friend Caitlin, which we told her, you can keep climbing if you want to. But the three of us turned around and went back, and then the rest of the group was able to go on and get to the top. Okay. And how did you feel after the decision?

Courtney
Naturally, I think I wished I would have continued. But deep down, I know that it was the right decision. Good. You gotta listen to these instincts. There's no way to know if you were right.

Monica Padman
But you were. Well, you're here. Cause now we are talking, and you would have been dead. Was there any thought about asking the guy for his phone number or. You were already betrothed.

Courtney
I was already betrothed. I was already dating my now husband. Okay. Bummer. I mean, this really would have been a great meet cute.

Monica Padman
Maybe he jumped on someone else later that day and had a meeting. Got it in. Yeah. Let's see. I hope so, for his sake.

Have you done climbs since? Yeah. So we still stuck to our plan, and we went back and climbed Mount Rainier in July and had no issues. I think I was just so young that I was able to, like, move on. But I did try to go back to mount hood two years after this event, and I just couldn't.

Dax Shepard
Ah, interesting. I got up to around the same section, and I was like, no, doesn't feel right. Yes. We're so used to the story where it's like you're supposed to push through and you're supposed to push through and blah, blah, blah. But for why?

Monica Padman
Exactly. Yeah, it's interesting. It's all in your head. It's just ego. But, boy, I can relate.

I know, but maybe you should try to take a. What's it called? Take a page out. Yeah, take a page out of her book and not do that. And listen.

Listen to your instincts. I do do that on the track. I never ride the last session, and generally not the last two sessions. That's good. Cause I go, you know what?

Dax Shepard
I'm tired. I've been riding for 2 hours on the track, and most of the crashes seem to happen in the last sessions. So let's count this a big lucky victory. Well, that's what they say in skiing, is two more runs, skip the last. Yes.

That same thing was in skateboarding, growing up. Last run was always, you're going to the hospital. So you were. No one's allowed to say last run. Skiing, same thing, no less run.

But then you're outsmarting the system, then it's like the 14th floor on a hotel. We know it's the 13th floor. You do take a last run. I don't. It's the last one of the day.

Monica Padman
Sure. Mind games. Well, Morgan, thank you for this. Yeah, this was fun. This was harrowing, scary and romantic.

Yes, you're right. And yet another thing I find horrifying. Yeah. That I'm not doing. Yeah.

Courtney
I've definitely slowed down a lot on it over the years. Once I kind of realized the risk associated with it, I might get into it. We'll be sleeping in the bus, so that'll be fine. Okay. Yeah.

Dax Shepard
Okay. Morgan, this was a blast. It's so nice meeting you. Yeah, it's so nice to meet you. I did want to give a quick shout out to my sister Justine.

Courtney
She got me into armchair expert many years ago, and she was actually on the first wild card prompt. No way. What? She was the zip line. Oh, wait, so you had the same crazy dad?

Yes. So Zipline dad is in my story as well. Oh, this is also mountaineering dad. I think you guys might have the best dad in America. Incredible siblings.

Dax Shepard
Yes. With dad both times. Dad is really showing up on both of these. Yes. So we were talking that we need to find a prompt for zipline dad so that you can officially meet him.

He's got to have a million stories. He probably has a shit your pants story. Oh, for sure. We haven't done that in a minute. He has endless stories and he's very funnies.

Okay, we gotta get him on. This wasn't a meet cute, but this, in a way, is a meet cute. Something about it is meet cute adjacent. Yeah. Hold on.

Do I have any others? That much time, huh? Thinking of what the guy could have whispered to her again. Oh, God. Okay, well, I think it's time to go.

Monica Padman
This was great, though. Thank you very much. Yes. It was so nice to meet both of you. Oh, right back.

Dax Shepard
Thanks, Morgan. Take care. Oh, my God. What a sweet siblings. I just love this.

I love this dad. This family's a good story. Family. If they wanted us to come, what was the party we were going to attend in the south when we got paid, but we had to go to the bathroom in front of everyone. Forget.

Monica Padman
Oh, yeah. Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day. Paid appearance. Yeah.

Dax Shepard
I hope it's their family. Oh, yeah. I won't take any money from them, but I hope it's their family. I still would like to get paid for that. Okay.

Here's Mary. Hello. How's it going? Good. How are you?

I'm doing great right now. I'm getting major educational vibes and or penitentiary. Oh, I'm getting education. Not either. I'm actually in insurance, so, like, maybe a little bit of a mixture of both.

Sure. What is in this closet normally? Cause it's very tight. It couldn't be someone's office. It is called a focus room and it is just here to give you peace and focus.

Okay. They should have decorated a little better because there's a huge fuse panel on the wall. If I can give you a tour. Oh, okay. They tried.

Monica Padman
This isn't very meditative. I feel like I could place the city base. Will you pan one more time to that picture? I want to take a stab at. Certainly where you're at.

Dax Shepard
I feel like there's good enough clues here. Are you in Tampa, Florida? I'm not, but not a horrible guess. I'm in Columbia, South Carolina. Oh.

Morgan
Which I actually arrived at a few hours ago, so I just got in for work. Oh, you don't live there? No, I live in Maine. And, dax, I don't know if you remember me. We met on your Samsung pop up.

You interviewed my mom and I? Oh, my God, yes. In Vegas at the. Whatever that place is. World of legal.

Courtney
The mall. That's what I'm gonna call it. It was a mall. Weird. Yes, 100%.

Monica Padman
How fun. Yeah, it's crazy. Monica, I haven't had the honor yet. Not yet. It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you. So you have a wild card story. I do. And how do you want to approach? Do you want you jump right in?

Dax Shepard
Ooh. Unless you want to give us however. You want to do it. We're very loosey goosey. Okay, I'm going to give a little bit of a prompt.

Morgan
Cause this is my second time submitting and being selected for the story, but I missed Emma's email the first time. Oh, okay. So real warning to the armchairs out there. So it's a 911 story and the person does survive. Okay.

Dax Shepard
Okay, great. Thank you. That is helpful. So this takes place in Rhode island when I was about eleven or twelve years old. It's about 2004 or five.

Morgan
It's like a Saturday afternoon. My mom and my brother are out and they're doing errands together. So they go to the grocery store and the pharmacy and it leaves just my dad and I at home. And earlier that week, my mom and I had gone shopping for my father daughter dance dress, which I was very excited about. But it's also the age in which I hate being observed by my family.

I'm a little tomboyish I don't want to be witnessed in a dress. I am nervous about the whole thing. So when my family gets out of the house, I'm like, this is the perfect time for me to try on this dress and like twirl about the room and feel like a pretty princess. Try to like work your way into the character you'll be playing. Absolutely.

Dax Shepard
Yeah. And on this day, my dad decides he's going to do some yard work. He wants to clear a bunch of brush by the well cover that's kind of at the edge of our property. It has a bunch of overgrowth on it and there are thick vines and some tree branches that he wants to get cleared off. He can't wait to sink his teeth into that.

That's a dad task if I've ever heard of one. And he goes out there with a weed whacker and after two broken pieces of plastic on the weed whacker, the actual oscillating piece, he decides he's going to augment the weed whacker and make it a little bit more powerful. Oh, great. I like him already. He would claim to be handy and not necessarily the smartest, but he comes back inside, he takes a little piece of the soldering wire that's pretty bendable, flexible, and a bandsaw blade.

Morgan
And he affixes it to where the weed whacker would have the heavy gaze plastic wire because now it's going to cut through very thick brush because it's functionally a saw blade that he's put on. A weed whacker. Yeah. Okay. So Monica, do you have a, you have a mental image of all that?

Monica Padman
I think so. I'm trying to do my best with the imagery here. So. So my dad heads outside and I decide on the moment that he heads out with the bandsaw blade attached. It's my time to deadbolt the front door to stop him from coming in to witness me.

Morgan
He goes outside, I go get change. Mary, can I just for 1 second what goes on with us as humans? I know what you're saying. You don't want to be observed. But I have an eleven year old and I'm just trying to anticipate this and be the perfect.

Monica Padman
Humans are weird and so we don't want people to see us being weird. I know. I just am trying to drill down into that a little bit. I think it's kind of some weird, sweet part of us. It's just so peculiar, isn't it, how you can feel so awkward for no reason.

Dax Shepard
You're just existing but you're like, I'm a hunchback. I was playing a heavy character in the other direction. So this was the antithesis of me to, like, be in a dress and be frilly. The one time I put on makeup, I got roasted at dinner because everybody was excited and they were talking about it. But to me, it was the worst thing that had ever happened to me in my life.

I don't know what you do. You just pretend you're ignoring them. Maybe just let them do whatever, and. You just don't come. You don't need to ask what they're doing.

Okay. I think they just grow up and, like, go to therapy. Yeah, exactly. Comes out in the wash. Okay.

Morgan
So I'm blasting, probably, like, avril lavigne or something on my little boombox in this dress, and I start to hear this frantic banging on the front door. And I know it's gotta be my dad, but I don't want him to see. I take the time to change my clothes, and the banging is getting louder, and I can hear it's like, kind of him throwing his body against the door. Ooh. Okay.

We have one of those half circles at the top of the door. As I'm walking towards the door, I see my dad's wrist, and he's clutching it with the other hand, and I can just see blood pouring down his arm. Oh, boy. I open the door. There's so much blood.

There was some splatters, and then there was also, like, the drips from down his arm. And then there was, like, a puddle on the ground, and not like a big puddle, but just, you know, the image sticks with you. And he looks at me and he goes, call your mother. Oh, it's not 911. Oh, my God.

911. He says, call your mother. Which I do. And I run back inside. He's, like, made it into the house, and he's dragging blood into the house, which my mother would remind him of for, like, quite some time afterwards.

I'm on the phone with her cell phone. My mom and brother at the same time had forgotten to go to the grocery store. And we're the next street, and she guns it down the road and enters the house, and she looks at me and she goes, call fucking 911. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Your father's bleeding to death.

Dax Shepard
If ever there was a time for 911, it is now. So I call 911, and the other thing to note is that my dad was a former commander of police, and his dad was a firefighter in the area. And so he was well known in the town. So when I called 911 and dispatched, said the name and address over the radio, it must have been every single ambulance EMT, like the fire marshal came out, every on duty, off duty police officer. Everybody showed up.

Tim Shuri hated. It was the roast of Frank. Oh, no. They were just dragging him, talking about what had happened. And so he starts to explain the stories.

Morgan
The EMTs are there and packing his wrist, which is mangled.

It gets a little worse, Monica. But then it gets. He explains that as he is clearing the brush, which he swears that his invention is perfectly usable and was very effective at cutting through the vines. He stands by it absolutely. His foot got caught on a vine, and it's on a slight decline on this hill.

He couldn't stabilize himself, and he fell on his back. And even though there is, like, an automatic shut off for plastic gauge wire, the momentum of the bandsaw blade. Oh, my God. Like, kept it going pretty ravenously. So he falls backwards, and he sees the blade coming at him towards his head, and he puts up his hands in a defensive right.

It cuts through bone and muscle and tendon all the way to a 16th of an inch from his artery. If it was a 16th of an inch difference, my dad would have bled out and died out in the backyard, which we found out later, but insane luck. And the guys went to the backyard to collect this invention so they could do a little show and tell while the EMTs are still packing the wound. Yeah, they're gonna, like, take this to local elementary schools and go, this is why you do not tamper with the design of a weed whipper. Yes.

And it has, like, viscera on it. When they came back to show it off to the group. I hate this story. Like, they had ground meat with it or something. Okay, stop, stop.

But he survived. And I remember I felt so guilty about the whole thing. I didn't tell my parents about the dress until I wrote in the story.

I'm 30 years old. I waited a long time. They couldn't care less. They were like, that's dumb. It was also gonna be fine anyway.

But I carried such guilt. I insisted on doing his wound care for, like, the rest of time. And I do remember the night I was in my father daughter dance dress, and he was in his suit, and I was changing the wound, and I was just, like, so glad that I still had a date. Aw, that's so sweet. Oh, my God.

Dax Shepard
I'm a little hung up on the daddy daughter dance. Of course. Cause it's very egocentric of me. What's interesting is you did wanna go, though, right? Oh, yeah.

Morgan
I was so excited. I can't explain it. I know what you mean. It's so complicated. Tell us dads and us men what you mean.

Dax Shepard
Cause am I supposed to just say, like, hey, hon, there's this daddy daughter dance. I would love to go, but also, if you don't want to go, if it's too stressful, we don't have to. Yeah, you can say that. The other context is I fought tooth and nail with my mom growing up because she wanted to put me in pretty dresses, and she wanted my, like, hair to be, like, cute and braided. And I was like, can't do that.

Morgan
Won't do that. Not your girl. I am going to be in, like, overalls, and that's all I want to do. And so I fought it so hard that there was, like, a. A layer of embarrassment to be like, oh, I do really like this.

And I think I look pretty cute. And, like, ego a little bit, like, uh oh, they're gonna have an I told you so. Exactly. Yeah, that was a big motive for me to never give anyone the opportunity to say, I told you so. What a waste of everyone's doing.

Monica Padman
I know, but you have to learn it. Did he have to have surgeries to repair, like, the tendon and all that? Yeah, and he got 90% of the function back. Like, he can't hard grip sometimes, but he served in the navy before being police commander, so he had had some damage to it. So he was just stoked that he still had it in hand, generally, and they put it back together pretty well.

Dax Shepard
And did he ever use his invention again? The invention was banned from the house, and then there was an insistence on better automatic shut offs of his other inventions. Okay. I like that. Yeah.

Morgan
But he was so pissed that my mom threw away the weed whacker and she hadn't taken the soldering wire, which was expensive, off of that thing that he had used to attach the band. Soldering. I can't see that. Well, I will say this did go in a different direction than I was anticipating. I thought he was gonna get that thing whirling at about 15,000 revolutions per minute, and then it was just gonna come loose off of however he attached it, and it was gonna go right through his ankle.

Dax Shepard
That's what I was guessing. So I had that wrong. So it's kind of a feather in his cap. It didn't. Still works.

Yeah, it held up. The well cover was really neat and clean after that. Shh. Shh, shh. Well, I'm so glad everyone is okay.

Monica Padman
I'm glad you started with that. Cause that's such a dad story. God, can I see myself in this exact same situation? Well, Mary, it's nice to see you again. Did you have the bottas calendar?

Morgan
I didn't have the botos calendar. I had the Taylor Swift bracelets, which. Are on my nightstand currently. I also need to tell you, I made those bracelets that's so big. And I heard you guys talk about on the podcast, them feeling tight, and I was like, these boys have thick wrists.

Dax Shepard
Tell everyone. Tell everyone you meet. Well, Mary, it's lovely to see you again. I'm glad dad didn't lose the entire hand. Me, too.

Morgan
It was so nice chatting with you guys. Tell your mom I said hi. I will. Okay. Bye.

Dax Shepard
Take care. Bye, guys. She made swifty bracelets. It said f one on them. So, so cute.

Monica Padman
Oof. That was rough. That was two dad stories. Yeah, it was. And that's because Father's day is this year.

Dax Shepard
It is this year. When is Father's day? June. When's Mother's day? In a couple weeks.

Oh, fuck, yeah. Oh, good on it. There's our planning. Well, this was fun. Wild cards are so fun.

Monica Padman
So much should do. More wild cards. All right. Okay, bye. Love you.

Dax Shepard
Do you want to sing a tune or something? We have a theme song. Okay, great. We don't have a theming song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of arm cherries, we'll get some suggestions.

On the fly, rhyme, dish. On the fire, rhyme, dish. Enjoy.

Armchair Anonymous: Wild Card IV

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Episode Chapters

1: Childhood Memories

2: Adoption Story

3: Car Accident

4: Reflections

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