Armchair Anonymous: Dad Stories

Dan Shepherd
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Happy Father's day. Happy Father's day to you. Fathers and fathers. How do we say that? Fathers and non fathers and moms.

Non fathers alike. Fathers and non fathers alike. Of course, for this special day, we're commemorating it with dad stories. Yeah, I think we got the idea because we talked to sisters separated by a year or two that both had stories that involved their crazy dad. That got us excited to do dad stories.

And they're as good as you would imagine. Dads are fun. Dads are fun and unpredictable. Let's see. Oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm just trying to see if there's anything that can't be heard on here. Yeah, there's some really funny ones. Yeah. Yeah, they're all good. They're all good.

No one. I don't think you'll puke during any of these. I guess that's all. Well, one has blood, but it's okay if someone pukes. Cause they hear about blood.

I'm not. I don't feel very responsible for. That's fair. But, like, pootie talk, bodily fluids other than. Well, all bodily fluids other than me.

Monica
For me, what's more nauseating is blood. Oh, really? Than Hootie? Yeah, I guess it's person to person. It's person to person.

Yeah, but guys, listen to this. It's good. Randomly, I was telling the girls about one we have coming up. Maybe it's next week or the week after as near death experiences, which is coming up. And then in telling them this one story, it then reminded me of the bear attack story.

Dan Shepherd
And I'm, like, trying to explain it, and Lincoln wants more and more details. And I was like, I can't. There's no way I can reenact this guy's story. So we listened to it in the kitchen yesterday. Oh, fun.

And it finished, and she goes, oh, yeah. There's no way you could have retold that story. It was wild. Yeah. I had dinner the other night with Anthony and Allison, and they had a bear in their backyard, like, the week before.

Monica
They had it on camera and silverlike. No, they live in locked or something. Oh. Oh, wow. So they had a bear in the backyard.

Yes. And a mountain lion on the other side. Oh. What if they caught on video a bear in a mountain lion fighting? That'd be a valuable knock on one video knock on one that they do get.

Dan Shepherd
That or that they don't. I don't know. Okay. Please enjoy. Dad stories.

Hard times come and go good times take em slow my life, I had em both remember one thing you gotta know I'm gonna keep on shining dad's stories Father's Day episode oh, father's Pasha day. Father God, father God, Father God. Hello, Alex. How are you? Good.

Alex
How are you? Good. We're good. Oh, my gosh. You're wearing a cute shirt.

Monica
It says girl dad. Yeah, I got an 18 month old girl that's sleeping right now, and we're actually going to my wife's 35 week ultrasound here right after this. Oh, wow. You're in it. Yeah.

Dan Shepherd
You'll have the exact same gap we have basically 20 months or so. Yep. Don't know the sex yet, but the first one's a girl, so we kept it a surprise. I'm guessing the second will be a girl too. Cause of the shirt.

Monica
Solidified it. That's what I tell my wife. Okay, so you've got a great dad story. Yeah. So I've told this story a few times recently, and I've had a problem keeping my laughter under control, so I'm gonna.

Alex
I'll do my best here. Okay. So my dad is a great storyteller. And before we get started. I just want to say, love you, dad.

Do my best to recollect the story the same way he does. And I'm probably biased, but in my opinion, this is the best shitting your pants story I've ever heard. Wonderful. I love when prompts merge. Me too.

I actually submitted this one for the secret that a parent kept from us because I was on the trip with him when this happened, and then I'll explain what happened here, but he didn't tell us till years later. So I come from a family of seven. We would do these long summer trips where we'd all pile in our Chevy express conversion van. Oh, baby. Yeah.

It had like the little tv between the front passenger seats. Every summer we would take these big loops to a different corner of the US and hit every touristy little thing along the road. And when I was really young, we would stay in a pop up camper at KOAS. For this story. I was 15, so I'm the second youngest.

There was only myself. My younger brother and I brought a friend with on this trip. And we were going to the northeast and we were staffing in Washington, DC. We were driving into DC and we had about an hour left, and my dad was prepping us to say, hey, we're not staffing, we're going to get to the motel. A lot of times he would have us just stay in the van when he needed to run in and do something quick, which we loved because we had the movies to watch.

He was pulling in and we could tell that he really needed to go to the bathroom. He started to make some interesting moans and drones from the front seat. And so he tells us to stay in the van. I'm going to go in, get the stuff, and I'll be right back, just to use the bathroom. So he leaves.

We're fine with it. We're watching a movie, and we had been in there for. I guess the time flew by because it was about an hour. Oh, shit. Literally.

So we see him go up the exterior stairs, because that's the kind of motel that it is. He had come back out to get his bag and he didn't really say anything. He said, just stay in the car, I'll be back in a little bit. Well, he came back, told us, your younger brother needs to stay with you and your friend. I put up a little bit of a fuss because he'd always stay with my dad.

Dad was not in a negotiating mood, so he'd stay with us. And then we had the trip, and it was awesome. I didn't hear anything. Did you inquire why do you need to be solo tonight? Yeah, you just said, I don't wanna talk about it.

Monica
Oh, my God. I'm trying to think what I would have thought, assuming I didn't think he had gone in there and wreaked havoc on the room. Was he wanna masturbate tonight? Oh, no, hooker. Yeah, hooker.

Dan Shepherd
You're in this big city. What's gonna happen in that room when. You'Re young and your parents just say no? You're mad, but you don't think to ask why? Back then, you would just be like, ugh.

Yeah, I guess that's his personality time. I'd be like, what the fuck? I need a goddamn explanation. This is out of the normal pattern. What is happening?

Monica
Even though if your mom said no, you were like, okay, well, there was no begging. I definitely would have been like, why are we doing it this way tonight? Is there only a cot in that room? Oh, that would have been a good. Oh, God, I would put her through the third degree.

Dan Shepherd
Okay, so you didn't. You were like, all right. Your only objection was, I don't want my younger brother with me and my bro. Yeah. So we're all together at Christmas, and we're all telling our best stories, and he bust this one out on us, and it's all coming back.

Alex
Apparently, when he pulled in the hotel, he knew he was in trouble. When he got out of the van, he could feel that familiar feeling. My dad is someone who's done this before. Sure. I'll just say that you said he.

Dan Shepherd
Was male, so I already knew that. He tried to rush in through the check in process. Apparently, it was someone who didn't really know what they were doing. And so when he got the key, he went up the stairs, opened his room, and he couldn't get the key to open the door. Oh, that's when he was going up the stairs.

Alex
You can feel the poop that was starting to run down his leg. Yeah. Oh, it was already loud as he was walking up the stairs. Okay. Yeah.

Dan Shepherd
Cause my prediction was like, he told his body, I'm putting this key in the door. 6 seconds later, we're unloading, and you tell your body that, and it starts that process, and then the key doesn't work. But he was already in hot water. When he was going up the steps. We could see he was cupping his butt.

Alex
And my dad's the guy that wears new balance white shoes, norm core, mid white socks, short shorts. And he's not a small guy. He's six'three, probably 250. Okay. Okay.

Dan Shepherd
Not a small boy. And he couldn't get this door to open, so he panicked and he started putting his shoulder into the door. Oh, my. Until it finally pops open. Oh, well, that's good.

Alex
He doesn't bother with the lights. He's just on a mission to get to the bathroom. So he takes off and he trips halfway there. Oh, no. And it's kind of doing that thing where you try to catch yourself, but you know, you're just prolonging the process.

Dan Shepherd
Kind of running horizontally. Yes. So he gets up enough where he runs into the wall where the bathroom is. And the way he explains it is that it was just a shit explosion. Oh, sure.

Alex
On the wall, down his leg. He gets up to get in the bathroom. As he's telling this story, he's doing his best impression of like, the dumb and dumber scene of what's left as he's in the bathroom. When he finishes, he comes out of the bathroom and sees in the bed that there are two people. No, stop.

Under the covers. No. That are naked. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What?

Monica
So it was the wrong door? Probably. What the hell? Double book or wrong room? Wrong room.

Alex
The motel says it was his fault for putting his shoulder in the door. The couple was upset because they said they gave him their key. Can you imagine being the couple? Oh, my God. Especially if you were like, really into it and you were close.

Dan Shepherd
All of a sudden a big bull. Comes charged, comes charging in and shitting. At him, smashing into the wall and shitting everywhere. Yeah. What he had tripped on was their clothes.

Oh, I'm surprised he screamed. Screams? Yeah. Yeah, I know. Maybe it happens so fast.

Alex
It's happened to me. Hey. Or I would yell. For whatever reason, everyone's innate response to that is. Can I help you?

Dan Shepherd
As if you could. Maybe they did scream, but he was so in his own zone that he just didn't hear it. Sure, it is possible. Okay, so he sees there's two people. He had to be in the bathroom for a minute.

I'm presuming. Yeah, yeah. I guess these two people decided to freeze. He didn't hear anything until he came out and saw them. They're still in the bed.

Oh, my God. And what happened next? Did he then get another room? I still don't understand why you can't have your little brother with him. It's not like he joined them.

He's like, well, it's gonna be three of us. I think he needed some alone time after all. Okay, let's see if there's an answer. He ended up sticking around and, like, cleaning it up. The other couple left.

Alex
He felt bad. When he went back to the office, he asked if he could have some cleaning supplies. He did a little bit. I'm impressed they let you guys stay. It was an interesting motel.

Dan Shepherd
Yeah. If you barge down a door in your first five minutes as a guest. And then shit all over the place. And then spray the place, and then. Now I gotta get this couple another room.

I wonder if they were having an affair and that's maybe why they were so frozen. I kind of wondered that, too. Oh, fuck. They thought they were, like, early evening. In a roadside motel.

Monica
Well, that is fantastic. Yeah, I did not see the lovers neither. That was such a good pop out. Amazing. Oh, well, Alex, thanks.

Dan Shepherd
God bless your dad. Yeah, he's an awesome guy. And now we work together. Oh, that's great. Yeah.

Any kind of dad that's driving to all four corners of the US with a van full of kids. A conversion van full. Yeah. I tip my hat to this gentleman. That was great.

Alex
Before I go, I do want to say that the reason I started listening to you two was my oldest sister is a LMFt. What's that? Licensed marriage and family therapist. And she specializes in something that you described as an epidemic in one of your last fact checks. Ooh.

I don't know if you remember. Wait, no. It was a little while ago. An epidemic. I say it kind of often.

Monica
Is it of divorce or sex problems? Misophonia. Misophonia. She specializes in that. Yeah.

Alex
And she did starting 15 years ago. And when she was telling me about it 15 years ago, I had never heard what misophonia was. So she's kind of like an Og. Wow. In on the ground floor.

Dan Shepherd
So obviously, there's tools to combat this. Yes. She has her own practice, and it's kind of blown up for her. Yeah. Cause I guess if you have it at a ten, you probably couldn't go to restaurants or anything.

You probably couldn't even eat around other people in the extreme version. And I think it actually depends a lot on who is the person that's doing the chomping. Yep. I was curious about that. Of course, I don't have misophonia, but when I hate someone, I have it.

Yeah. Look at this fucking pig. Wow. Oh, well, Alex, it was great meeting you, and I really enjoyed that story. And please send your father our love, because.

What a guy. Happy father's day to your father and to you. Appreciate it. My sister just finished the first draft of her book. Oh, she did?

What's it gonna be called? Give her a shout out. She hasn't landed on a title yet. But it's about misophonia. Yeah.

Well, you can give her this title for free if she wants to use it. Misophonia makes misohonia. That's obviously a great title. It's obvious. And sex sells.

So if she wants that, feel free to take it. Alex, great meeting you. Yes. Take care, brother. Bye.

Here's Maggie. Oh, Maggie and Margaret taking a swing that she goes by Maggie. Hello. Hi. Do you go by Margaret or Maggie?

Margaret
You know what? I've had, like, all the nicknames, so you can call me whatever you like. Well, I wanna call you what you prefer, but Wabi wab being the rascal he is, he said, okay, Maggie's next. And I said, it's Margaret. He said, I'm assuming she goes by Maggie.

Dan Shepherd
He put this in my head. Now you can call me Maggie. Only very special people call me Maggie, but I would put you guys in with that. A tiny circle. Does anyone call you Marge?

Margaret
Oh, yeah. In fact, when I was little, I was large Marge, even though I was like a string bean. But that was pee wee Herman days, and. Yeah, large Marge. Margie.

Margarine. Margot. It's so light. I know where you're at. I like it.

Yes, I know. And I'm sorry I'm not in a closet. So this gear, I actually do a bunch of podcasts, but this is all, like, hardwired into a system. And we have really tiny closets in a super old house. And so I hoped that a good quality microphone overrode a closet.

Monica
Yes, that's correct. It does. And you actually look like you're on an elevated plane. Like, closer to heaven. Where are you?

Margaret
I'm in Newton, Massachusetts. So I'm just west of Boston, right near Wellesley, where you spent a night. What a lovely place. Do you have cute little parks with walking trails like they have in Wesley? Everywhere.

It's gorgeous. We just moved here a year ago from our. From California. We were in California before us, where I met my husband, but we were in Portland most recently. Oh, wow.

Monica
What a life. Yeah, you're zipping around, good lighting everywhere you go. Okay, so you have a great dad story. I do have a great dad story. And it is when I was 13 years old, it was on my 13th birthday, and just a little bit of context was in Ottawa, up in Canada.

Margaret
So I'm an only child, no siblings. And both of my parents were professional musicians. So my mom was a concert pianist. My dad was the principal oboist in the NAC orchestra in Ottawa. So the main orchestra oboist.

Dan Shepherd
He's a freak who's drawn to the oboe. It's such a kinky instrument. I like it. It's a weird one. I will say he was world class.

Margaret
I'll give him a major shout out here. He was incredible. So that day it was just me and my dad. And a couple of months earlier he had warned me of this. So my mom was actually on tour, I don't remember where.

And he came to me and said, hey, your mom's going to be on tour. It's just the two of us. And here's the situation. It was a school night, I don't remember what night. It was like a Tuesday or Wednesday or something.

And he said, I have the opportunity to pick up an extra gig playing for Les Mis. I don't have to take it. But if I do take it, it means I'm working on the night of your birthday and we can totally celebrate on the weekend and all that. But completely up to you. Do you want to spend your birthday night with your dad?

And of course, being a little overconfident at precious age of twelve, rounding into 13, I was like, oh my gosh, no, dad, I don't want to hang out with you. I don't know what I really thought I was going to do because it's not like I was going to be like 18 and could go with my friends or anything. Like, I was 13. So wake up on the morning of my birthday and completely regret this decision. I'm all, woe is me.

I can't believe I'm going to be alone and I'm going on the guilt trip thick. Just like, I can't believe you are going to work and leaving me here. And I mean, it was totally my fault. There isn't a little piece of me that's like, well, I was only twelve. Like, he might have been able to anticipate this, but whatever.

He was like just the sweetest, most loving man and he felt so badly. So I go off to school and a few things about me. So at this time I was so shy and I was starting to come into my own, but nowhere there yet. And I hated being the center of attention. Like, I did not want the spotlight on me at all.

And so I went to this very conservative private girls school. And after lunch I was rushing to get to english class, because I had english class with misses chance, and she was the junior house mistress, so the most strict teacher in the school. And I was terrified of being late. And as I'm going through this kind of big atrium at the front of the school, there's a big crowd of students, which there kind of always is at the end of lunch, but it was larger than normal. And I could see my girlfriend Odelia at the other end, and she's calling my name, and she's, like, beckoning to me, and she is laughing.

And this girl had, like, the most maniacal, devilish laugh. And she loved getting people in trouble. And I was like, oh, God. And my heart just started racing because I'm like, it's my birthday. She knows there's a lot of people here.

Something is about to happen. So what had happened in the background is my dad, as I had left for school, felt so badly. He really wanted to make it right, but he didn't know what to do. And I'm also at this really tender age where it's like, he can't be too juvenile because I'm 13, but I'm also only 13, right? So he's trying to figure out what to do, and he decides he's gonna send a balloonogram to school.

Monica
Oh, this. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. That's so cute, Margaret. It's so cute. But this is not the move when you're a teenager.

No, it is really cute. She's not a teenager yet. He doesn't know. Yeah, you don't know. You don't know.

Dan Shepherd
Okay, but this feels like career suicide when you're in junior high. It was, but for reasons that you're not anticipating. Oh, no. This was a long time ago, and this is way predating the Internet. And he looks it up in the yellow pages he calls the balloonogram place.

Margaret
And they gave him a list of options. And I really wish I knew the full list of options. I only know two. Okay, there was one that was a clown. And he was like, no, no.

Creepy and way too juvenile. But the other of the options, which was the one he picked, was a bunny boy. A bunny boy stripper. So he's picturing, in all innocence, he's picturing this, like, good looking high school kid in a bunny costume. What?

Now, what would a good looking high school kid be doing on, like, a Tuesday at noon? He's in high school. I'm impressed he was even able to conjure up something positive. When I hear bunny boy, there's nothing I can come up with in my mind. That's gonna be bunny boy.

Dan Shepherd
It's so weird. Send bunny boy. Ugh. He was so sweet. He didn't know.

Margaret
He was just trying to do something that was not a clown. As I said, I don't know what the other options were, so I could never help him, like, choose from the list retroactively. But I'm back at Elmwood. Okay? All these junior high girls in our little green uniforms and the crowd kind of parts.

And there is this guy, this man with slicked back black hair. Bunny ears. Black bunny ears. Oh, sure. A cape and balloons.

Who proceeds to rip off the cape. No, no. And start singing the most lurid happy birthday. I can't remember if there was music or not. He might have had, like, an old ghetto blaster that he put down.

I don't remember. All I remember is him singing, dancing, gyrating. All he was wearing under that cape was the tiniest little thong. Oh, my God. At a private girls school.

Dan Shepherd
Oh, my God. My God. He's trying to kiss me. This is illegal. He's going for it.

This is the eighties, though. Yeah, this is totally the eighties. Yeah, he's totally not picking up on any cues. I am panicking. Oh, my God.

Monica
This is traumatic. It was so traumatic. All I can remember is seeing faces, like, girls laughing so hysterically. My girlfriend Odelia laughing hysterically. And all I can think is, like, I'm gonna be late to english class, and I'm gonna be in so much trouble.

Margaret
And I mean, my heart. Like, I died a little that day. Oh, my God. How long ago was his song? It was probably like two, three minutes.

It felt like hours. I mean, it just felt like it was never gonna end. And I was trying to run away from him, but I couldn't. Cause everyone was crowding in. Cause they thought it was so funny.

Dan Shepherd
He's surrounded entirely by and exclusively by minors, young minors. And he's trying to kiss. This guy should not have been trusted to go anywhere and represent the balloon company. Definitely not. Oh, the age.

Monica
Were there any teachers around also watching and laughing? Janitor? Actually, that's a good question. Probably there were. I don't know what they were doing.

Margaret
All I know is that, by the way, by the time I did make it out of there to misses Chance's english class, it was most definitely late, as was half the class, because everyone had been watching and I couldn't be subtle. It's very obvious that it's me, right? I'm there with the stupid balloons. But the one who got into the most trouble was my dad. She just called him and lit into him.

Like, I thought your family had better taste than this. And he didn't understand. He's like, it's balloons. It's a bunny boy. Like, he totally tried to defend himself.

Dan Shepherd
Was he not in a big, fluffy outfit with snapping teeth? Totally. I got home from school that day, and I was freaking out on him. And he was so hurt and so confused that this had happened to him. And it's really funny because we all lived in the same neighborhood, and they would bump into each other in places, and she didn't forgive him for years.

Margaret
She just didn't have a sense of humor about it. Finally, many, many years later, they met and they laughed about it in the grocery store. So my dad actually passed. He passed in 2017. And I told this story at his memorial.

And I learned just after that, misses Chance had also passed just a. A few months later. So at least they left on good terms. After all of this. I wonder if Bunny Boy's still with us.

Monica
Oh, hell. He sounds like he was living life in the fast lane. I'm still a little traumatized by that. But it was, of course, the best story ever. It's so incredible.

Dan Shepherd
Oh, my God. I wish there was a photo of bunny boy. I'm dying to see what he is. Because when you're twelve going on 13, he probably looked 40, but I wonder if he was, like, 25. Probably.

Margaret
It was very skinny. It was very cut. But he was so glisten y, right? I don't know if they had, like, lubed him up or something, but he was very shocked. Shiny, and he was very naked and in a thong.

Monica
At an all girls middle school, they. Had to escort him off the property afterwards if he kind of hung out. He didn't want to leave. Oh, boy. Your poor dad.

Margaret
It was awful. He tried. I know. It was really sweet. It was totally typical of him.

He had the biggest heart. He was always trying to do the right thing, and he would try so hard and then, like, spectacularly fail. Like, there's many, many stories. Is it fair to guess that he was, like, a savant and a genius at music, but then was maybe a little missing? The boat on a lot of other.

Areas, 100% practical stuff, completely escaped him. Well, you turned out lovely. So somehow that all worked out well. I have to tell you both, this is such a sim moment for me because I'm telling this story about my 13th birthday. I actually submitted this story for gifts gone wrong.

Way back. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's perfect that it wasn't picked and that it was picked this weekend because Saturday was my birthday. It was a big one. I just turned 50.

Dan Shepherd
Oh, congrats. Thank you. We're the same age. I'm your elder. Come on now.

Margaret
Six months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. To celebrate it, I decided to do something really audacious. I'm a distance runner, so I ran 50 miles. Oh.

But the sim part of this is. You guys don't know this, but you have been my training partners throughout this whole journey since I learned about you, which was in 2020. You have been with me through multiple marathon builds and now through this. And my favorite is armchair anonymous. I have to stop running sometimes.

I save it. Cause I do my long runs on Saturdays. Like, my legs have been buckling underneath me. I've been laughing so hard in some of these. Oh, wow.

And it has always been like my dream to be on it. And then I got the email from Emma on Friday right after we were doing my planning meeting for my big run the next day with my friends who are crewing for me. And I went from being nervous about that. I'm so excited. It's a total sim moment.

And my dad's birthday is this month too, and he would just love you guys. Well, you know what I'm most excited for is you're going to be able to listen to this episode while you're running. So right now, Mario, I know you're running and we're with you. And you're with you, which is even doubly confusing. It's so wild.

Monica
And we're cheering you on. Yes. Oh, my God, that's so impressive, by the way, 50 miles. Well, wonderful meeting you, Margaret. Thank you so much for that story.

Dan Shepherd
Sweet. Dad, could my little eleven year old daughter, who I let, listen very selectively to your armchair anonymous? This is like a pattern we've discovered that kids like armchair anonymous. Hi, what's your name? Sia.

Monica
Thank you for listening. This should be a family tradition. I definitely think you should attempt to repeat this for Sia's 13th birthday. Yeah. Humiliate her at her grade seven.

Dan Shepherd
Wonderful. Well, nice meeting you. Thank you. Great to meet you as well. Thanks so much.

Take care.

We are supported by betterhelp. It feels like a lot has happened this year. It's barely even summer. We went to India for by George. We sure did.

Monica
Lots to process already. Yeah. But even with so much going on, it's important to slow down, take a minute to reflect on yourself. And make adjustments. And if you need a little help with that, I can't recommend therapy enough.

Dan Shepherd
We are both in therapy. We proselytize all the time, talk about it every day. Couldn't function without it. If you want to give therapy a try, check out betterhelp. It's entirely online and designed to be convenient and flexible.

All you have to do to get started is fill out a brief questionnaire. Plus you can switch therapists whenever for no additional charge. So take a moment for yourself. Visit betterhelp.com dax today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp help.com dax.

We are supported by a ziprecruiter. Oh, get recruited. Patience is a good thing to have, but you shouldn't wait around for everything. Sometimes if you want something, it's better to just go for it. Imma just go for it kind of guy.

Monica
You gotta get it. Yeah, I'd rather find out I was wrong than not try. Yeah, you know what else you don't want to miss out on, especially as a business owner? Hiring the best people for your team. That's why you should check out Ziprecruiter.

Dan Shepherd
Try it for free right now@ziprecruiter.com. dax they can help find top talent fast. And once you find a candidate you like, Ziprecruiter puts you at the front of the pack. Use their pre written invite to apply message to connect with your favorites ASAP app. So let Ziprecruiter give you the hiring hustle you need.

See why four out of five employers who post on Ziprecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Just go to ziprecruiter.com Dax to try it for free again. That's ziprecruiter.com dax. Ziprecruiter the smartest way to hire. Tap the banner to learn more.

We are supported by Viator now. Monica. I'm going to Lisbon. So exciting. And I'm gonna use Viator because, you know, I can book a tuk tuk tour of the city on Viator.

Monica
Yeah, I feel like you can look up even other fun things you guys can do together. Yeah, absolutely. That is where you go to find an experience while you're traveling. Because no matter where you're traveling or what you're interested in, Viator can help you plan better travel experiences. With over 300,000 travel experiences to choose from means you can plan something that everyone you're traveling with will enjoy.

Dan Shepherd
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Here comes Jessica. Here comes Jessica. Here comes Jessica. Run down side hall floor. Hi, is this Jessica?

Jessica
Yes. Yes, I'm Jessica. How are you guys? Nice to meet you. Where are you from?

Dan Shepherd
Where are you? So right now I'm in Chicago. I'm from the north west suburbs of Chicago. Wavy wab. Ask her what suburbs.

Jessica
Palatine. That's where I went to high school. You went to friend? I did. Whoa.

I went to the other high school in town, but me and my friend were trying to figure out. We knew we were, like, from the area, but we weren't really sure. What year did you graduate? 20160. 610 years?

Monica
Yeah. He would have been coming back to town for his ten year reunion as you were graduating. That's rough. Gross. That's really rough.

Jessica
Damn. Maybe we saw each other at the pool or something. Seascape. Must have been before my time. Ringing a bell.

Dan Shepherd
This is a miss. No bells to ringings. Okay, so you have a great dad story. I do. Story takes place about 18 ish years ago in the suburbs of Chicago.

Jessica
I'm about nine years old at this time, and all my family is getting together for dinner at this restaurant that we frequent. Most of us still live in the area, but there's some out of towners and new babies, and my cousin's new boyfriend is here. And how old's the cousin? Early twenties, I think. Okay, so we're all sitting down.

I'm by my mom and my dad, and we're also across the table from my cousin and her new boyfriend. His name is Adam. So we're all talking, having a good time. The adults are laughing up the vino, the vodka on the rocks, and I'm just kind of sitting there fidgeting with my very loose tooth. I'm pretty young, so I still have, like, baby teeth.

And then once I start eating, the tooth finally decides to pop out. And with this, this particular tooth, I was bleeding like a ton. There's a good amount of blood gushing from my mouth. Oh, wow. What was the cuisine?

Dan Shepherd
What was the theme of the restaurant? It's like a bar and grill. Can I shout it out? It's called Hackney's yeah, absolutely. They have a nice onion ring loaf there.

Jessica
It's really good. But I'm eating a grilled cheese. That's all I ate for most of my life. I start to bleed, and for whatever reason, I don't want to get up from the table, probably because it's packed, so. So instead of getting up and going to the bathroom, I'm spitting my blood into my mom's empty water cup.

Dan Shepherd
Oh, okay. Okay. Swishing around water in my mouth and into the cup. So by the time that I'm done bleeding, there's a big, bloody cup of spit water on the table, and it kind of looks like a very potent Shirley temple. So it's not like a full Bloody.

Monica
Mary or a wine. It's more Shirley town. Yeah, it's more Shirley Temple, but there's definitely my blood in there and my stuff. So the evening's going on. We're having a nice night, and my dad begins to brag about being, like, a daredevil.

Jessica
He'll do anything, he'll eat anything, et cetera, dare. So Adam says to my dad, hey, Greg, I'll give you $20 if you drink that cup of Jesse's blood. Ew. What are you talking about, ew? We just had a long talk about eating each other's skin.

Monica
I still think it's blood. Ew. Worse than skin? Yeah. Wow.

Jessica
I think I would rather do the skin over the blood. For sure. Yeah. Okay. Blood.

Monica
No. Yeah. He picks up the glass without hesitation and chugs the entire thing. So everyone is mortified. My grandma is so mad.

Margaret
She's upset. She thinks it's disgusting. There's shouts of disbelief and disgust coming from everywhere. And I'm pretty young, so I just start crying because I think I'm pretty overwhelmed by the reaction, the attention, and. Most of all, like, I was just.

Jessica
Just scared my dad could die from doing something like that. Like, I always thought I was diseased or something. And if my dad drank my blood, he would die. Oh, no. You and Monica would be great roommates.

Monica
I mean, horrible roommates. And you could really whip yourselves up into a lather. We could be afraid about everything together. But, yeah, he's fine. And everyone is yelling at him.

Jessica
And he said something to the effect of, she's my daughter. She's my flesh and blood. If I drink a cup of her blood. So in some twisted way, I think that's pretty sweet. It is sweet.

Dan Shepherd
Weirdly, yeah, I would drink my daughter's blood, no problem. All right, cool. Monica. Well, I don't have one. So I can't really have one.

Monica
I would drink it if I had to drink it, but for a dare. No, that's not part of your identity as a daredevil, so that doesn't even appeal to you. But if someone was holding them hostage and said, you better drink this blood, I would do it. Yeah. Cool.

Jessica
So, yeah, that's just a story I tell, like, any new boyfriend or person meeting my dad, just so I can get, like, a good idea of what his personality is, like. Cute. I liked that. Yeah, I like your dad. He sounds fun.

Dan Shepherd
Did the boyfriend go the distance? Are they still together? Oh, yeah. He's, like, a staple in our family. And he loves this story.

Well, yeah. Cause it shows a little bit of his color. Like, he's feeling quite comfortable. If he challenges the patriarch and offers the pay, I'm flush with cash. Yeah, 20.

Jessica
He was trying to have a little fun too, so I appreciate that. Is it okay if I bring my bestie out? Yes. Let's get her in here. I want her to say hi to you, Emma.

Dan Shepherd
Oh, this will be cute to see them try to share this. Hi. Oh, my God, you guys. Hi, Emma. How are you?

Wonderful. Do you guys both listen? Yes. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Jessica
All day, every day. We discuss most episodes. We get really drunk and talk about how much we love you. Oh, man, that's lovely. Do you have a favorite episode?

Margaret
Yeah. Your mom's episode. Yeah. Her to listen. Totally.

Jessica
That's the first episode I ever listened to. It was incredible. Classic. I always listen to that one whenever. I want a good cry.

Dan Shepherd
Aw, that's nice. It's probably time to get her back in. I would love that. Yeah, please do. Yeah, I think everyone needs it.

I guess it would be, like, about a five year update at this point. Yeah. She has a whole other episode to tell. For sure, for sure. Well, it's lovely meeting you guys.

We're very flattered you're listening, and I think it's so fun that you're listening and then, like, texting each other about it. I like that. Yeah. All right, well, nice meeting you guys. It was so good to meet you.

Take care. Bye. Oh, that's fun. Isabel. Isabel.

It does say bella. Not making sure. I don't know if I trust you. Hi, it's Isabel, but do you go by Bella? Yes, I go by Bella.

How long have you been going by Bella? Pretty much all my life. I think in fifth grade, I wanted to go by Isabella, but I quickly changed that. It was too much for everybody. That's a lot, lot to ask.

Where'd you grow up? I grew up in Hampton, Iowa, but now I live in Indiana. Okay, so now you're in Indiana. Does your crazy dad story take place in Iowa or in Indiana? It takes place in Hampton, Iowa, when I was 16 years old.

Monica
Ooh, sweet 16. Yes, indeed. So when I was 16, it was April fools. And my dad is a big April fools person. He loves it.

Bella
Loves it. April's fools people are such a type. They are. My dad was one of them. So April fools morning, we have a gym class before school starts.

And so I go and I pick up my friend, and we get to this gym class, but we're early. And so I was like, hey, Lexi, I'm gonna call my dad, and we're gonna prank him. And she's like, okay. And so little backstory. My dad's a paramedic, and he's a nurse.

And I know he was getting ready for work. I call my dad, and immediately I'm like, dad, dad, we got in a car accident. This is not a prank. This is just a horrible, horrible. Don't worry.

He gets me back later. Calling my dad, I was like, dad, we're in a car accident. Lexi, we crashed. I don't know if she's breathing. Oh, my God.

Dan Shepherd
You went hard. I am, like, going on with this story. I hear my dad, he was making breakfast for work. He's dropping the pans. He's yelling at my mom.

Bella
He's like, maria, call 911. And so he's like, okay, look at her. Is her chest moving? Like, what is happening? I was like, dad.

Dan Shepherd
I don't know. He's like, okay, where did you crash? I'm coming. And I was like, we're by the school, and I am, like, selling it. This is evil.

Bella
It was evil. I hear him grab the car keys and then open the door to our house to, like, leave. And I'm like, ha ha. April fools. And he's like, isabella.

And there's a sense of relief. And then also just, like, being impressed. Oh, wow. Well, this is illuminating to what kind of family you were in. So this was fine.

Dan Shepherd
This was fine. Lucky. Yes. And so he definitely was, like, slightly impressed. Also a little relieved.

Bella
And then I go to school, and the day goes on, and I forget it's April 4. I am coming home from school. I pull up into our driveway, and my dad is outside with a puppy. When I was 16, I had been wanting a puppy for the longest time, I had been begging for a dog. It was the dream.

And so I pull up, and he's just playing with his puppy. I get out of my car. I'm like, a puppy? Oh, my gosh. And he was just like, I was on my way home from work, and this puppy was just on, like, the side of the road, and I picked him up.

We're walking inside our house. He gives me the puppy to hold. We go inside. I'm, like, petting this puppy. And I was like, oh, my God, she's so cute.

I think it was a she. She's so cute. And my dad was like, yeah, the shelters, they were closed. And the vet office, it was closed. It's just looking like, we're gonna have to keep him.

And I was like, oh, my gosh, I love him. And I'm, like, petting her to her. I'm like, petting her. And he's letting me go on talk about this future with this dog. And so he's like, you should name her while we have her.

I just love the name and be like, santana? Wait, Santana or Zantana? Zantana. It's a DC character. Doctor fates child.

I was a big geek grown up, and so I was like, okay, we'll go to Petco. We'll get all the things. I'm gonna get a cute little collar. And my dad's like, that's absolutely wonderful. And I was like, dad, can we keep her?

And he's like, it's kind of looking like it. We get to keep her. And I was like, oh, my gosh, this is so great. And I'm just overjoyed. And I was like, okay, so Santana.

And he's just sitting in the corner, just, like, sparking and smiling, and I'm just like, oh, he's just so happy. His daughter is just so happy. Yeah. So I just am petting this dog. There's, like, a moment of silence where I'm just, like, an awful.

And he turns to me, and he's like, well, the dog's actual name is Charlie Polk. And I was like, what? That's not a good name. And he's like, no, the dog's name is Charlie Polk. It's time to go take her back to her family, April fools.

Monica
And I was like, what? You guys go rough on April? That's a dork. Yeah. And so my dad told me his whole evil scheme.

Bella
He found a family friend who had, like, a new puppy, went and picked it up, plotted this whole thing to surprise me after school and to prank me. I played on his worst fear. He played on my biggest dream true. Wow. You guys are made for one another.

Yes, we are. He's a great dad. I absolutely love him. Aw. Did he come up with that plan in retaliation, or did he already plan that for April fools that day?

He came up with it in retaliation. Okay. Yeah. He was like, that's fair. I need her to understand how terrible that was.

Dan Shepherd
And the only thing I can think of is getting her to fall in. Love with something and then snip it away 100%. And he did that before with my older brother, where my older brother really wanted a car. And so my dad took him to a car shop, said he could have this vehicle, that everything worked out financially. This is crazy.

Bella
Got the keys to, like, open the car. My brother's like, oh, my gosh. Thank you so much, dad. Thank you so much. And hands him the keys and says, like, april fool.

Margaret
So. And, like, my brother didn't even do anything to him. My dad just did that to him. No retaliation, I guess. Now I'm thinking he did deserve the fake car crash.

Bella
Oh, 100%. You know what's funny is I think I have a very easy time not being judgmental, but this one's tough. It's hard for me not to go. This guy. This is rough.

Monica
Well, it's playful. They like it. That's the thing. They're all consenting. Exactly.

Dan Shepherd
They all enjoy it. Yes, very playful. Has he given up on his April fool's, or do they continue on? Well, now that I live in another state, it's really hard to, like, get me real good. We try to.

Bella
Every April fool's just calling and saying fake news or something, but it's not as grand as it was when we were growing up. Okay, I have a recommendation. This was a thing that a friend of mine's father did to get even with a co worker. You should figure out whatever the local Craigslist is for your dad's area. And you should say, sold my two harleys.

Dan Shepherd
Have a ton of extra parts, pipes, bars. Just come by and get them. I work midnights. I'm off Saturday anytime from midnight to 03:00 a.m. just come.

Don't call free Harley parts. Oh. Because the kind of folks that show up to pick up free Harley parts are the last people you probably want to greet at your door at midnight. So just think about maybe placing a fake ad with free Harley parts. You know, I think I will.

Bella
That's a really good idea. He needs to be pranked again. And hopefully a dozen guys be showing up over and over again. That was fun. That was fun.

Dan Shepherd
Thank you, Bella. Of course. Also, could my husband say a quick hi? He's a big fan. Of course, of course.

Bella
Okay. Jack, come here. Hi. Hi, Jack. Nice to meet you.

Jack
It's nice to meet you guys. Are you a prankster, too? Because girls sometimes marry their fathers. Are you a rascal? No, I'm horrible at lying.

Pranks are not my thing. The idea of doing that, that to somebody just scares me. But, you know, they say one of your kids in the future will one day be like your parents. And so I'm just very worried that my daughter in the future is going to do this to me. That scares the crap out of me.

Dan Shepherd
So, healthy fear. Now, when you were getting to know Bella, and she was telling you about her dad and what he was capable of, were you getting nervous? Yes. Is he an intimidating figure? No, he's just like a teddy bear.

Oh, okay. It was really funny. Cause I asked for her hand in marriage from her dad. He was talking about how strong willed she is and how evil she can be. How are you going to handle that in the future?

Jack
And I was like, yeah, well, I don't know. We'll see how that goes, if that happens. Okay, so he gave you some warnings. He's like, you can totally have her. But let me tell you this story.

Dan Shepherd
Buy her, beware. She might call you. She's gonna act like she's pretending she's. In a car accident. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Turn your phone off on April 1. She's serious. That would be the recommendation. Well, it's so nice meeting you guys.

You're such a cute couple. Yeah, it's nice meeting you. You guys, too. It's been a real pleasure. All right, bye.

Well, he was so cute. Oh, my God. Like a mount. Clothes still on. Yeah.

Jack was a. He looked like w star. I was thinking he, like. He could have been an outsider, is like Thomas. See how all those kids.

Yeah. Your generation. My generation. Apparently, there's an outsider's musical now. Oh, really?

Yeah. That's supposed to be fantastic. Maybe he's. That might be a musical. I would see.

Because I love the movie the outsiders so much. In the book, sc Hinton, 16 years old, writing, outsiders. Woman. Girl. What are you talking about?

Monica
Wait, right? What? Essie Hinton is a girl? Yeah. I mean, she's a woman.

Dan Shepherd
She was a girl when she wrote those books. Yes. And now she's a woman. It's impossible. I know, but I don't understand.

Monica
Women are very possible. They happen all the time. That was fun. Yeah. Happy Father's day to all the fathers out there and all the grandpoppies.

Dan Shepherd
Future dads. Yeah, everyone. Happy Father's day to all the women and moms and girls. Yeah, that's right. And the aunts and the grand mommies.

Obviously. There's so many great stories I could tell about my sweet Pippi. Same. Yeah. Do you have one that comes to mind?

Monica
No. Okay. The one that just pops into my mind is one time my father was visiting and at the time, this is probably zero five or zero six. I had a jacked up Chevy truck and I I had a Porsche 911. And so I had a really busy day.

Dan Shepherd
He was visiting and I had a meeting on the west side and then I had a meeting in Hollywood and then I had to go to Disney out in the valley. And so I said, what are you doing today? And he's like, your cousin Jamie's coming over. We're gonna go out to lunch. And I'm like, great.

I should be home at whatever time. So I'm going from my second to my third meeting. I'm going up Kawanga towards Disney. As I'm crossing Franklin and Kawanga, I see my truck sitting on the side of the road and there's two cop cars around it and no one's in the truck and the flashers are on. Uh oh.

And I just, like, drive by. I'm like, that's my truck. What on earth is it doing here with police cars around it? So I call my dad's cell phone right away. He doesn't answer.

Monica
Uh oh. And then I call my sister and I'm like, hey, I'm on my way to this meeting at Disney. My truck's on the side of the road. Will you call my dad and see what's going on? So she calls me back in two minutes and she goes, oh, yeah, he answered right away.

Dan Shepherd
He's like, hey, Carl. And she goes, hey, Dax wants to know why his trucks on the side of the road? And he goes, oh, he told you? I gotta go. I'm talking to the cops.

And just hangs up on her. So that's the information I have as I enter this meeting at Disney. And I'm, of course, pretty preoccupied by what is that? Sure, I have the meeting. It's like an hour and a half general meeting.

It's fun. I completely forget about what had happened before I got there. I get out and I have a couple voicemails. And so I'm listening to them and the first one's from my insurance company, and they're like, your truck was towed to this body shop. We'll get it assessed.

The second message is from my father, and he goes, this bitch came out of nowhere. Oh, I. Well, Dax, I drove over a Honda with your truck. Oh, my God. I tried not to let them tow it, but they insisted on tow it.

Anyways, I'm back at the house. I'll see you when you get here. No, I'm sorry. No. Anything.

This bitch came out of nowhere. Come to find out, he literally drove over this girl's Honda. He was, like, barreling down the parking lane on the right side of Franklin, and this gal poked the hood of her car out into the intersection leaving a parking lot. And he drove up over her hood, smashed the windshield, drove off the car, and then put it in park. Shit.

And when I got home, he never did say sorry. He was just, like, maybe hurt that I wasn't more concerned about him from the accident. When I got back, I pull in the driveway, and Jamie's there with him. And Jamie's got a plenty nice car. And so my first question was, like, why on earth did you guys even take the truck?

Right? He just showed up in a car. Sure. Oh, and he goes, oh, and I got a parking ticket before they towed it. So then he handed me a parking ticket.

Monica
Oh, ouchy, ouchy, ouchy, ouchy. Oh, I love him, though. Sweet, colorful man. All right, well, happy father's day. Happy father's day.

Dan Shepherd
Love you. You. Do you want to sing a tune or something? When I'm a theme song. Oh, okay, great.

We don't have a theme song for this new show, so here I go, go, go. We're gonna ask some random questions, and with the help of armchairs, we'll get some suggestions. On the fly rhyme dish. On the fly rhyme dish. Enjoy.

Armchair Anonymous: Dad Stories

Primary Topic

Episode Summary

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Episode Chapters

1: Introduction

2: Listeners' Stories

3: Special Guest Stories

4: Conclusion

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Transcript