my nonexistent birthday party, i'm ranting again

Emma Chamberlain
I think I have a birthday party. Mental block. For the last probably ten years, I have refused to throw myself a birthday party. And this year was no different. I just turned 23 and I made the decision that once again, I was not going to throw myself a birthday party.

And it is kind of weird because I actually enjoy birthday parties. I love going to other people's birthday parties. Love, like when it comes up on the calendar, I get excited. Like when someone texts me and says, hey, next week I'm having a birthday party. I'm elated.

Elated. I love birthday parties. I really do. But my God, do I hate throwing one for myself. This episode is presented by Haagen Dazs.

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They'd be like, oh, come on. Another one. I don't have time for this. I have shit to do. I don't want to go out tonight.

Fuck. I don't want to hang out. No. What an inconvenience. Fuck Emma.

She sucks. Why did she have to throw a birthday party? Now I have to go to this birthday party, and it's a choreography, okay? So that's reason number one. Reason number two, I think I'm afraid of being disappointed.

You know, if I put a lot of money in time into planning a birthday party and everyone was busy and no one showed up, I would be very disappointed. I mean, obviously, I would have my closest friends and family there. But I don't know if I'm throwing a birthday party. I want the room to be packed. I want it to be a fucking vibe.

And, you know, I always feel bad for people when they throw a birthday party or some sort of party, and it ends up not being very fun, and people sort of talk shit about it. And I've seen that happen many times where, you know, a party didn't really turn out to be very fun, and it sort of reflects on the person who threw the party, which is sort of unfair because the fate of a party is in the universe's hands. It's not in the hands of the person throwing the party. I guess in some ways it is, but the energy who shows up, it's all unpredictable, and it's kind of sad when somebody's party doesn't work out. The third reason why is because it's a lot of work, and I'll put in work for other people, but it's harder for me to put in work for myself unless I'm super passionate about it.

And I'm not necessarily super passionate about throwing myself a birthday party. So there's a lack of motivation there. Number four, there's something inside of me that feels like throwing a birthday party. For myself, is too indulgent. Like, Emma.

Really? You think that you're so important that you should have your own birthday party? Which, again, is stupid, because when other people throw a birthday party for themselves, I'm like, exactly as you should. You should have the most phenomenal, beautiful night of your life with all the people that you love and have the best time ever. Like, I don't see birthday parties in such a negative light for other people at all.

But for me, I'm like, you narcissistic pig. You wanna fucking throw a birthday party for yourself? You're a loser and you're. And you're a narcissist, and you're toxic. What makes you think that you deserve a birthday party?

What makes you think that. That many people care about you and will show up? What a loser. It's just negative self talk. It's almost like a weird imposter syndrome.

Like, I don't feel like I deserve a birthday party. I don't feel like I've earned a birthday party for some weird reason that I don't understand. That's how imposter syndrome is. It's like telling you in the back of your head that you don't deserve what you have, or you don't deserve nice things, even though you do. I definitely still have imposter syndrome with my birthday for some reason.

Gotten rid of it in the work side of my life. I think I'm working on it with the relationships, you know, feeling like an imposter in relationships, getting better at that. But I've not addressed my birthday party imposter syndrome, so it's still kind of there, I'm realizing. And last but not least, number five, I actually don't really like parties that much. Like, I would way rather go on a trip or go out to dinner with five friends.

Keep it low key. Like, I kind of prefer that over going to a party. I don't like parties that much. They're so rarely fun. So for all of those reasons, I do not throw birthday parties for myself.

However, I was laying in bed the other day sort of thinking about what I would do if I were to throw a birthday party, and I realized that I have a lot of very strong opinions about what a good birthday party is to me. So today I've prepared for you a full birthday party itinerary that will maybe come to fruition one day. Not this year, but maybe we'll come to fruition one day. This is my ideal birthday party. This is what I think the perfect birthday party would be for me.

And I have a lot of opinions about why. Let's start out with the venue. Okay. Venue is very important because it is the foundation for the vibe, for the energy of the party. Now, what I don't want is to throw the party at my own house.

Why? It's going to be the worst night of my life. I'm going to be so stressed out about whether or not my neighbors are upset with me because there's a lot of noise. I'm going to be very concerned about whether or not my guests are rummaging through my things. I'm going to be very stressed out about my cats and their well being.

Where are my cats going to be during all of this? They're definitely not going to be out during the party. Somebody's going to leave a door open. The cat's going to run out. My life will be ruined.

The music might be loud. They might be upset. I have to hire a cleaning crew the next day to clean up my house, probably because it will be so messy. Throwing a party at my own house sounds like a fucking nightmare. So that is out.

Another thing that I think is out is throwing a party at a massive venue, like renting out, I don't know, like a huge space. I don't like birthday parties being held at a huge space because a lot of times it ends up not feeling intimate enough. Like there's too much space to kind of do your own thing in the corner and so you don't end up mingling. I think it's better to have a birthday party in a small, more intimate, homey space because people tend to bond and hang out and talk more. And speaking of that, the venue must have reasonable volume.

Okay. I don't want to throw a birthday party at a club that's so fucking loud and dark that you can't talk to anyone or hang out with anyone. That is no fun to me. Do I think that there should be a dance floor? Absolutely.

I think dance floors are great. Is it common that you'll find me on the dance floor at a party? No. I'm always sitting in the corner talking to somebody. I love that.

That's my vibe. Do I think there should be a dance floor anyway? Yes, but not like a club vibe. If the entire party is just a dance floor, it's a dead end. You get sick of that.

You dance for an hour, unless you're on drugs, you can only dance for a little bit, and then you have to sit down. And if it's so loud that you can't talk to anyone. Then you're going to get bored when you're sitting and want to leave. No. Here's the vibe I believe in for my birthday party.

Okay, we have two options that I can think of. Number one, a house that's not yours. Okay. A rented house of some sort. It's cozy.

It's intimate. Some areas can be loud and have a dance floor. Other areas can be more quiet. There can be an area to hang out in the backyard. There's a kitchen in there where people can go in and make drinks.

Or, you know, maybe you could set up a bartender if you're really feeling crazy. Well, I guess if I'm feeling crazy, this is my birthday party. That's a phenomenal vibe. Or possibly some sort of vibey bar that isn't too loud. Like maybe a bar restaurant vibe where you can sit, you can stand.

You can be in a loud dance floor area. You can be in a quieter, more chill area. There's a bar area to hang out into. It's not too big, where everyone's all spread out and nobody's hanging out, but it's not so small that, you know, it's, like, cramped and uncomfortable and everybody's miserable and can't sit down and stuff. Perfect balance.

And ideally something too, that has a cool aesthetic to it, like, nice decor. My vibe is not a futuristic club with, like, neon dance floor, neon lights everywhere. It's just not me. My hypothetical birthday party needs to have nice decor that matches my aesthetic. So douchey.

This is a hypothetical birthday party, though, so you can't say, emma, you're so douchey for this. Yeah, it didn't happen, so leave me alone. Like, let me have my fun, for fuck's sake. Okay, moving on. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.

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Head to squarespace.com for a free trial and save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the code Emma. This episode is brought to you by betterhelp. When you're feeling down, sometimes it's good to be alone, but talking can also be a big help. Keeping everything bottled up is not great for your health. It would cause me a lot of stress and anxiety.

It's almost like I use this metaphor a lot, but it's almost like carrying a backpack around. And when you have stuff bottled up gets added to the backpack. And when you talk about it, you get to take it out of the backpack. Now the backpack's a little bit lighter. Once I got older and I learned how to communicate, I never stopped because I like having an empty backpack.

It just feels better. And my quality of life is better. When you need to talk and need a safe space, I highly recommend therapy. It's a great way to work through whatever's bothering you in a judgment free place. There's something really special about having a resource to talk to that is not involved in your life on a personal level.

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Visit betterhelp.com anything today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelph help.com, anything. Let's talk about timing. When are people showing up? Okay, let me tell you what I don't like.

I don't like when the party starts at 11:00 p.m. i do not like that. By 1230, I'm getting a little sleepy. You know, that's a little too late for mommy. Mommy's getting old.

Nothing too late. This might be a hot take, but I love a darty a day party. People show up at, like, I don't know, 03:00 p.m. hang out, have some drinks. You know, maybe there's some activities going on.

We'll get into that later. But I kind of like an all day party during the summer in my backyard. I love to have a few friends over in my backyard. We start at like two or 03:00 p.m. and we go into like eight.

And then everybody has dinner. Sometimes we all have dinner together. Sometimes we separate for dinner, go out to a restaurant or something. You know, everybody goes and does their own thing and then you're in bed by ten. It's phenomenal.

But you get also more time to hang out, more time to party because you start early feels like a full day experience. It's so fun. And you end up bonding with everyone who's at the party because you spend so much time together and it's daylight and you can talk because it's during the day, like at night, it's when things get dark and loud. But during the day, things are lighter and brighter and I don't know, like, the daytime invites a less intense vibe, more conducive for hanging out. And you can still party, you know, you can still have drinks, you can still dance and stuff.

But I don't know, I love a darty. So start at like 03:00 p.m. or the other option is starting at like seven. Now, recently I went to a birthday party that started at like seven and I was like, wow, that's early. Like, I'm shocked.

In LA, you know, usually parties start at 910 11:00 p.m. and so seeing a party start at seven, I was like, this is fascinating, what's happening. It was also very delightful. You know, you don't get the whole day experience, which I really do enjoy. But when you start at seven, people can come and go throughout the evening.

Same thing with the day party, people can come and go throughout the day, but I don't know when it starts early in the evening, people sort of trickle in over the course of the evening. And, you know, there's options to eat dinner there and all of these things. And it's more of a well rounded evening instead of showing up to the party at like 11:00 p.m. and half the people being exhausted and wanting to go home, like 30 minutes after arriving. Next, let's discuss activities.

Now, let me tell you what I don't like. Two polar opposites, okay? I don't like when the only activity is just getting drunk and dancing and clubbing. I don't like that because again, that gets boring for me. It's too loud, it's too overwhelming.

I like to sit and hang out. And so when the only activity is getting drunk and dancing, it's like you're not even spending quality time with anyone. You're not even gonna remember it. Like, it feels pointless to me. And I feel like people end up leaving that environment sooner.

Like, if there's nothing to grasp onto socially, people just leave. Obviously there are some people who love to dance and get drunk and do that all night, that's maybe 50% of partygoers. A lot of people are like, God, I'd love to just be able to sit and talk and hang out or do a less exhausting activity. I can't dance all night. It's just not enjoyable.

So when that's the only activity, I think people just get discouraged and leave. Not everyone, but a decent portion. But then, on the other hand, I don't want the activities to be overly planned either. It's not very fun when you show up to a party and there's strict rules on what's happening. Like, everyone has to sit in a circle and play this card game, or everyone needs to go outside and play beer pong right now, or everybody needs to go grab a frisbee because we're playing frisbee.

Or everybody needs to get on the dance floor because we're all dancing. Like, things should not be overly organized. There should be things around that are optional, but it should be low key. Which leads us to the activities that I do enjoy. I will say I enjoy games.

I think. I think, like, drinking games are fun. Having a little card game out. Like a drinking card game. So fun.

Beer pong. Sorry, call me basic. That's fun to me. I actually enjoy that. And there's a way to make it classy and a way to make it cute.

You know, you can buy cuter cups to spice it up or something. Ping pong, fucking badminton, a tattoo artist, a piercing person, a fortune teller, a bouncy house. Like, I don't care. Having little optional activities around is kind of nice. Even like, arcade games could be fun, actually.

Maybe a birthday party at an arcade could be fun. Like, I love the arcade game where you throw the basketballs into the little hoop. It's basically basketball. I fucking love that arcade game. If there was just a room filled with those, that would be the best birthday of my life.

But, yeah, like, stuff like that's fun. Maybe there's a pool. Maybe it's a pool party. It's just nice to have something to do, but it's nice to have it be optional. Next, let's discuss decorations.

Now this might be a hot take, but I don't love when everything is overly detailed. Okay. I appreciate the art of it, though. Don't get me wrong. Like, if you google birthday party decoration inspiration on Pinterest, you'll see what I'm saying.

People will throw birthday parties and make the most detailed decorations. Everything is on theme every single napkin, every single balloon, every single tablecloth is all perfectly matching and super on a theme. I don't think that that's necessary. I think it's so much work and so much effort and I don't think it's worth it for me when someone else does it for their birthday party. I think that's gorgeous.

But I. If I was throwing my own birthday party, would not spend the money on that. I just don't think it's necessary. I think you can do subtle decor that's chic and, you know, cheap and just keep it at that. Like, you could get a few really cool balloons and maybe put, like, a cute little sign on the door, call it a day.

That's all. It's cost so much money to decorate things in that pinterest level of detail that I just wouldn't do it unless it's a super intense, weird niche theme. That's kind of funny. Like, if somebody threw me a Napoleon dynamite themed birthday party or, like, a coraline themed birthday party and every single plate was coraline and every single. That's kind of funny.

Like, I kind of love that. If somebody were to surprise me with it, maybe I wouldn't do it myself, but that would be kind of iconic. So, like, that would be kind of funny, like, if the food served at the Napoleon Dynamite birthday party was like tater tots, you know, it's like, super on theme. It's actually kind of a good idea. Maybe I'll do a Napoleon dynamite themed birthday party next year.

So maybe I do like super detailed decorations. I guess I do, but only when it's kind of silly. I think if it's for aesthetic purposes, I don't need that. You know, I can pass on that. If it's for funny, amusing purposes.

Yes. I can get behind that. Okay, next, let's discuss the guest list. This might be shocking to some of you, what I'm about to say. I kind of believe in an open door policy.

Like, I don't like when there's a party and plus ones are not allowed. It's like, no, only you are invited. You cannot bring a friend. You can't bring anyone. Or, like, you're only allowed to bring one friend.

I don't like that because, I don't know, it just complicates things socially. Like, let's say, for example, I invite one of my friends to my birthday party and I say, you're only allowed to bring one friend. And they actually were planning to hang out with two friends that night. Now, there's an uncomfortable situation. I always respect somebody's rules when they're throwing a party.

If they're like, don't bring anyone with you, I'm like, done. I'm not bringing anyone. I always respect other people's rules. I totally get it. Everyone has their preference, but I kind of like meeting new people when I'm at a party.

That's kind of the whole point for me. So even if it's my own birthday party and it's kind of weird that people I don't really know that well are going to be there, I would prefer that over being super controlling over the guest list and not potentially unlocking fun new personalities, because that is ultimately what I enjoy about a party, is a mix of a bunch of different personalities. That's when it's the best. That's when it's the most exciting. Obviously, there are times when a bad apple can come in, but for the most part, if you're inviting people that you know and love and they're bringing other people, if you like the person that you invited, chances are they're not going to invite anyone.

Who's that horrible, you know? I don't know. I kind of like the idea of being like, if you know someone who's coming, come on in, let's make new friends. Let's have fun. I actually do that again.

I do that during the summer in the backyard. I'll just, like, have people over that I barely know. I'll tell my friends, hey, invite whoever, and sometimes I'll invite people over that I don't really know that well. But that's what makes it so fun. That's what makes it feel all the more exciting, is when, you know, you have a big mix of people.

Most of the time, I prefer a small group over a super large group when it comes to hanging out and doing stuff. But I do that already so much that if I'm throwing a birthday party, I'm gonna go big. Bring whoever. If anyone misbehaves, they get kicked out. No problem.

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Let me tell you what I do not like. I do not like black tie. Fancy? No, I don't enjoy myself when I'm in a really uncomfortable, fancy outfit. I end up wanting to go home sooner.

I get tired sooner. So I would never put my guests through that. Do I love playing dress up? Absolutely. But if I'm throwing a birthday party, I want people to want to hang out all, all day, all night.

So I don't want to put people in fancy outfit. And then now they're uncomfortable and their feet hurt and they want to go home early because I don't know. I even think about that with my wedding. Like, if I end up having a wedding one day, I kind of want it to be casual vibes that people can just enjoy themselves. It's not so formal that everyone's just excited to go home because they don't want to stand in their heels anymore or in their dress shoes.

I don't know. I also don't like parties that feel like a hot competition. You know, when somebody's throwing a party and it's at a club or it's at a house, but the invite gives this vibe of like, oh, no, we're dressing hot tonight. I don't know how to explain it, but you can tell on a party invite what the vibe is. Like.

If it's kind of a cool, edgy invite, you know, oh, shit, we're dressing hot tonight. Whereas if it's more of a fun, playful invite, then you're like, oh, I can be chill, you know, I don't like the hot competition for my own birthday party. I like it. Sometimes it's kind of fun to almost dress to theme and, you know, wear your cute little tight pants or, you know, your cute little top or do, like, a bitchy, like, makeup look like. That's a vibe sometimes.

Don't get me wrong. It can be fun, but I don't want that energy for my hypothetical birthday party. I just don't want that. I'd rather people come really casual in clothes that they can wear all day or all night. People should want to feel cute, but it doesn't need to be a hot competition.

Could also be fun to do a pajama party. In fact, that is kind of my dream. Oh, my God, that'd be so fun. Pajama party would be really fun. Or super niche theme.

Like, hey, we're doing a Napoleon dynamite birthday party. Everybody has to dress up as somebody from Napoleon dynamite. The only thing I don't like about that is that that does create a task for the people attending. That's kind of tedious, which is kind of not ideal. You don't want to, I don't know, create a chore for.

For the people going to the party, but it could also be kind of funny. I don't know. I think mega casual or pajama party is ideal for me. Oh, my God. You know, it'd be so fun, actually, pajama party at, like, a bar, because it's kind of opposites.

That could be fun. Being able to wear pajamas where you don't normally get to wear pajamas is possibly one of my favorite things in the entire world. And to have a birthday party with that in mind, I mean, yeah, that's kind of a vibe. Okay, let's talk about the bar slash drink situation. Okay.

I will say an open bar is critical. An open bar that's prepaid by me or by, you know, whoever's doing the party. Me, I guess I really feel like I've won the lottery every time I go to a party and there's an open bar and I don't have to pay. I know it sounds stupid because it's like, Emma, it's just like, who cares? Like, pay for your drink, of course.

But there is something so fun about being able to just go up to the bar and grab something in and out. You don't have to get your card out. It's free. You know, you feel taken care of. It's a fucking vibe.

So if I were to throw a birthday party for myself, definitely. Open bar. I thought about it kind of being cool to have, like, a bunch of wine, like, doing, like, a wine party. But I very quickly realized, no, that's never fun. Everybody has such unique alcohol preferences and, like, what works with their body and what they enjoy the most.

Some people don't like alcohol at all. But for people who do drink alcohol, everyone has their own preference. Like, for the most part, I like a tequila soda with lime when I'm drinking or a glass of wine when I go to a party and there's just beer, I'm like, fuck, I don't drink beer. No. You know, like, the options are helpful so that everyone can participate if they want.

So I think it's open bar, and I think it's all types of liquor. You know, if people misbehave, they get kicked out. That's mommy's rule. Okay, I already been through this. So if anyone's abusing the open bar, they're out.

And it's as easy as that. Yeah. That leads me to my next one. Do I have a security guard or not? Yes.

So that I can say, take this person out now. They're causing a scene. They're causing a ruckus. Get them out. No, I'm kidding.

That I did not write that down on my notes. Next, let's discuss food. I thought about this a lot, and it's clear to me what I don't like. I don't like when it's all junk food. Don't get me wrong.

Like, yum. And there better be some fun foods, even if they are junk foods and give you a stomach ache or whatever. For me specifically, give me a stomachache, whatever, that must be included. However, if it's all junk food, everyone's gonna get a tummy ache. Everyone's gonna be sluggish.

You know, there has to be a good balance of options, right? Some fresh stuff, some fun stuff, like a mix of everything. All junk food. Everyone's just gonna have diarrhea and have a stomachache. You know what I mean?

Like, that's not good for morale. Also, I don't love when there's a big table filled with food and it's just sitting there and kind of like, rotting for too long. That feels like a food safety issue to me every single time I see it. Like, every time I go to a party and there's just food that's been out on the table for literally 8 hours and all of it is perishable. I'm like, I feel like this is not safe.

Also, the food gets gross really quickly. There's certain foods that are totally fine. Like, leave chips out all day. Who gives a fuck, you know? Leave fruit out.

That's fine. There's certain foods where it's fine, like, snack foods all good, but, like, I don't know, like, having, like, a bowl of pasta out feels like a food safety issue to me anyway. So I think the food should be made to order. Maybe there's a food truck outside. Maybe there's, I don't know, some sort of, like, restaurant involved in the party, whether they're catering or something and they're, like, managing it.

I don't. I don't throw parties, so I don't know how this shit works. But having the food sort of made to order or have it be maintained by a third party or just have there only be snacks out that can be out all day and nobody's worrying about food poisoning. Am I the only one that is very concerned about food poisoning? Maybe, but, my God, I.

And not. There's no good time to get food poisoning, so I'm always avoiding it. I think some foods that I would love to have at my birthday party would be definitely some sort of tater tot situation. I just love tater tots. I know earlier I mentioned my Napoleon dynamite theme.

This is actually, regardless of theme, I just love tater tots. Tater tots are a good option. Honestly, I feel like italian food is always a hit. Like, I went to a birthday party a few months ago that had full italian vibes going. Like, really good Caesar salad, really good spicy rigatoni.

Like, all, you know, all the things. Really good pizza. There was, like, a fried zucchini. It was a balance of light and yummy, but also fun. It was balanced and well done.

So maybe that's the vibe, but also, like, a falafel truck could be so good. Like, falafel wrap, hummus. That would be pretty good. I always need hummus involved whenever I'm having a party. Every party needs a little fucking plate of hummus.

God damn it. I believe that. I believe that with every fiber of my being, that's just necessary. So consider that on the snack table, there is, I guess, a difference between the snack table and the main food. You know what I mean?

The snack table is far less important. I would argue the main food is what's really important. Like, what are you doing? Ooh. Honestly, a mexican food truck would be kind of amazing as well.

Like, burritos, tacos, customizable options. You know, people can get what they want. That would be really good with a salsa bar. Must have a salsa bar. That would be iconic.

Wow, that's great. I love that. That might be my favorite. There's options there's options. Let's discuss gifts.

I really don't need any gifts, so I would make a no gift policy for my birthday. And number one, I don't need anything. Number two, I get very uncomfortable with gift giving and gift receiving. Like, the whole thing. I don't like it because I don't like receiving gifts and I get uncomfortable with it.

I assume that other people are like that. So I don't like giving gifts because I don't like making other people uncomfortable. But that's ridiculous because many people enjoy receiving gifts. In fact, it's many people's love language, so I need to get over that. I actually like, I love giving people gifts, but I don't like being there when they receive it.

Like, I'd rather mail people a gift and they can just react to it however they want, and they can just shoot me a text and say thank you for the gift. Like, they don't have to be like, Emma, I love it. And it's like, no, you don't. And it's fine, but let's move on. So no gift policy for my birthday.

And last but not least, let's discuss cake flavor and design. I want something naughty. Okay. I want something like a chocolate peanut butter cake. I want something like a classic funfetti.

Vanilla with thick buttercream. Like, I want something sweet. I want something with absolutely no elegance. You know what I mean? Like, when I think of an elegant cake, I think of, like, a lavender Earl grey cake with beautiful cream cheese frosting or carrot cake with cream cheese frosting.

Or, like, lemon cake. I actually love lemon cake, but not on my birthday. Oh, I would love it, but I'd prefer fucking chocolate peanut butter brownie, chocolate chip cookie dough. Like, fucking pack that shit full with everybody goddamn dessert. You can think of, like, I want that shit to be just sickly sweet.

I want funfetti. Like, that's what I want. I want to feel like a little kid when I'm eating my stupid birthday cake. That is the type of flavor I want. I do not want lavender rose water fairy dust birthday cake.

I want sticky fingers Funfetti. That's what I fucking want for my birthday. And I will say, I'm a sucker for a funny cake. A few years ago, my friends got me a huge cake that was shaped like a penis. And it was funny because at the time, I was the one in the group who had a boyfriend, and it was like, oh, my God, Emma loves, like, okay, what you get idea?

It was like I was the girl in the group who. You know what I'm saying? And so it was funny at the time because it was like, oh, Emma loves Wiener. You know what I mean? Here's a wiener cake.

It was funny. It was personal with the group. I love that. I thought it was funny. I took a selfie with my penis cake.

My dad was in town. He saw it. He was mortified. It was a nightmare. But it was funny, and I do love that.

So a funny cake, that's sort of like an inside joke. I love that. On the other hand, I do love just a beautifully made cake by a really passionate cake artist. I think that that's phenomenal. There are so many amazing cake artists am constantly watching their videos on Instagram reels.

Even though I'm back on TikTok, I still don't watch TikTok. I only watch reels. But you get the idea. Like, that could be really cool, like, just letting a cake artist do their thing. The one thing I don't like is when there's too much fondant.

I hate fondant. I think it tastes horrible, and I think cake should. You know, I get you need to use fondant to decorate a cake, but it shouldn't have too much. Shouldn't be like, the whole cake is fucking fondant, and it should be always peeled off, in my opinion.

So that's my ideal birthday party. It's kind of all over the place. It seems like it's a day party. It's a darty. It seems like there's food trucks.

It seems like this birthday party is gonna cost a lot of fucking money. My hypothetical birthday party is, like, fucking 20 grand easily. No, this is, like, insane. Like, I feel like maybe this is why I haven't thrown a birthday party is because subconsciously I'm like, Emma, you have too grand of ideas. Like, cool down.

I almost enjoy talking about birthday parties in a pretentious, picky way more than I enjoy actually having one. Like, I love this discussion, and I feel almost full. Like, I don't need to have a birthday party for another at least ten years. Like, I feel satisfied. So, you know, we're going to leave it at that.

I hope that you enjoyed this episode. Please let me know what your ideal birthday party looks like. You can shoot a dm to at. Anything goes on Instagram. Let me know.

I'm so curious if you disagree with me on some things. If you agree with me on some things, as always, please let me know. New episodes of anything goes every Thursday and Sunday. You can listen anywhere. You stream, podcasts, but video is exclusively on Spotify.

You can check me out at Emma Chamberlain on Instagram, Emma Chamberlain on YouTube, pretty much at Emma Chamberlain everywhere. You can check out my coffee company. We're probably in a store near you. If you live in the United States, use our store locator on chamberlain coffee.com to see if we're in a store near you. Go pick up some fun.

Or you can order Chamberlain coffee straight to your door. I hope that you all are having a beautiful day. And if you're not, I hope that you have a beautiful day soon. And I love you all and appreciate you all. And thank you all for listening to me rant about a hypothetical birthday party.

That will not happen. You learn nothing. But maybe it was good background noise while you folded laundry or something. But that's all I could ask for because some of my favorite content is background noise while I'm folding my laundry. You know what I'm saying?

So we're all in this together. Love you all. Thank you all for listening. And I will talk to you so soon. Bye.

my nonexistent birthday party, i'm ranting again

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Episode Summary

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Episode Chapters

1: Birthday Reflections

2: Societal Pressures

3: Choosing Solitude

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