friendship challenges, advice session

Emma Chamberlain
Welcome to advice session, a series here on anything goes, where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on. And I give you my unprofessional advice. And, wow, it is unprofessional. But maybe that's what you like about it. Today I've gathered some questions, dilemmas, complicated situations that involve friendship.

So we're going to be talking a lot about friendship today. I'm going to be giving some friendship advice. Now, am I a friendship expert? No, not really. In fact, I'm known as someone who is not a friendship expert.

I've had many public friendships throughout my years on the Internet, and majority of them have not worked out long term, which has raised some alarm bells for people on the Internet, like, why can't Emma keep a friend group? My explanation for that is not everyone is going to make sense in your life for your entire life. And it's taken me a while to find a group of long term friends because I was looking for something that really made me feel good. I was looking for friendships that really made me feel good and were really healthy. And that's honestly challenging.

Similar to dating, it's hard to find a significant other that is a good match for you. And it's the same thing with friends. And I'm of the belief that you shouldn't settle if something's not working for you. If something's not clicking in your life, you gotta go and try something new. So I'm sort of known for being a friend group hopper in a way, like on the Internet.

Anyway, that's what I'm known as, and that's fair. But I do know a thing or two about friendship. I would consider myself to be a really good friend. Hopefully my friends agree with that. I should just call and ask them before I say that myself.

But I would consider myself to be a good friend. Yeah. So those are my credentials for giving friendship advice. Not a lot of credentials, but that is what you signed up for. So all good.

Let's dive in to the questions, dilemmas, challenging situations that you are all going through in this current moment. This episode is brought to you by Instagram. So something that happened to me recently was I posted some art and some home decor on my story, and a lot of my friends reached out and were like, where is the store? Where did you buy these things? They're so cool.

And I don't know, there's just something so cool about sharing something to the world and not knowing who it's going to reach and then connecting about it with friends. Instagram lets you express yourself in small, fun ways and can lead to some really cool conversations about shared interests and beyond. And I think that's pretty cool. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Imagine you find something that you love.

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Head to squarespace.com for a free trial and save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the code Emma. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace. Imagine you find something that you love. Maybe you see your friend wearing a cool t shirt, and you're like, oh, I want that. And then they give you the website, and you go onto it, and it just doesn't feel quite right.

That doesn't make you want to buy that t shirt. A good website is crucial when it comes to selling your product or a brand. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. It's okay if you don't know the first thing about design. You can choose from professionally curated layouts with the Squarespace blueprint.

Squarespace even has AI that can help you kick start or update your website copy. If you're selling products. Squarespace makes checkout seamless for your customers with simple but powerful payment methods. Head to squarespace.com for a free trial and save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain with the code Emma. Okay, somebody said, my friend group are four girls, and they just recently started hanging out without me.

Why? What did I do? This is the worst fucking feeling of all time. So I want to start out by saying, I'm sorry, this shit sucks. This is just one of those parts of life that feels completely unfair.

You know, there are a lot of worse things that make you feel like the world is unfair. Like death. Like, there are many things that make you look at the universe and say, why would you do this? But I would argue that this type of situation also does that. Even though it's less extreme and no one's dying and everyone's gonna survive, there's still something about it that's so fucking painful that it does make you look up to the universe and say, what the fuck?

This is so unfair. So I'm sorry that you're going through that. We've all been there at least once. I think the first step is to truly self analyze. Now, this is not to make yourself feel bad about yourself.

This is not to come to some sort of negative conclusion about yourself, but rather it's to try to figure out if there's something that you're doing, positive or negative, that's pushing them away. Try to connect the dots. Try to figure out a pattern. For example, let's say ever since you got a new boyfriend, your friends have stopped hanging out with you. Okay?

That's a pattern. That's a clear cause and effect. Or maybe you started to become more popular at school. More people like you. More people are talking to you.

You're becoming, you know, I always call it, like, a school celebrity. You know, there's, like, people at school who are, like, the celebrity. They're the popular kid, whatever. Maybe you're starting to become more of the popular kid at school. Did your friends change their behavior towards you?

Then try to figure out when things changed and what in your life changed simultaneously? Because a lot of times that can be a sign as to what's going on. For example, let's say you just started dating somebody. Your friends might be jealous of the fact that you have a boyfriend. They don't want to hear about it, and it's pissing them off.

And they're like, nah, she can go hang out with her fucking boyfriend. We're going to go hang out without her. It could be something like that. Or let's say you have maybe started becoming more in tune with your morals. For example.

Okay, let's use that as an example. Maybe you've come to the conclusion that you don't really like drinking and you don't really like partying, and you don't really like being mischievous. You know, I feel like a lot of times young people go through mischievous phases. I remember in high school, everybody used to steal shit from the mall. I never did it.

Cause I was always too afraid. But there were many people who did it, and it made me very uncomfortable. Personally, I hated it. I was like, oh, my God, you guys, no, we're going to get caught. This is going to be horrible anyway.

Maybe your friends want to drink, want to steal shit from Nordstrom's, like, you know, and maybe you are making them feel bad about it. Maybe you've decided, no, I don't like doing that stuff. And they do. You see what I'm saying? I think the first step is to self analyze and to truly analyze the situation and see if there's some sort of cause and effect.

Now, the prior two examples I gave were more positive when it comes to, you know, you as the individual. Like, you got into a relationship. That's beautiful. You have settled into your morals and values more and now you don't like to do the things that they like to do. That's beautiful.

There's also a chance that you might discover that you're the problem. Maybe you've been feeling insecure recently and it's caused you to brag a bit more or bring your friends down a little bit, pick on them, because you're feeling insecure for God knows what reason. Maybe you're going through something in your personal life and it's causing you to lash out a bit more and you're not as fun to be around. It's challenging to analyze oneself in a way that's unbiased because we tend to be biased towards ourselves. Like, no, I didn't do anything wrong.

I can't do anything wrong. I know I didn't do anything wrong. You can become blind to your potential flaws now. It can also go the other way. And you can blame yourself for shit that you didn't do, which is also unhealthy.

But I would say more often than not, we tend to assume that we're not the problem and become blind to our flaws when it can be really life changing. To teach yourself how to analyze yourself in a way that's unbiased, that's just based in fact. What am I doing? What are they doing? What am I not doing?

What are they not doing? How would I feel if I was friends with myself? Would I think that I'm a good friend? Yes or no? And to answer those questions honestly is far more challenging than it sounds like it is.

And if you think about it, close your eyes and think about it, there's no way you don't agree, because I am aware of how important it is to analyze myself in a way that is unbiased. But I still catch myself making excuses for myself, like defaulting to me being the victim. It's human to do that we don't want to catch ourselves being the problem. But it must be considered in these moments when a relationship has fizzled and you might come to the conclusion that you're not the problem. And that's more than an option.

It's not like either one. It's not like, oh, well, it's probably going to be this or it's probably going to be that. No, it is completely up to the situation. It's completely personal to you and your friends. There's a chance that you did something to upset them.

There's a chance that you didn't. Only you can figure that out. But that leads me to my next step, which is it is important to have a conversation with your friends. It's fucking uncomfortable. It sucks.

But I think some sort of communication is better than nothing. And by that I mean if you want to shoot them a text because it's less confrontational and it's more comfortable, that's better than not having a conversation at all, obviously. Ideally, I think it would be great to be like, hey, something feels off, can we hang out and discuss it? Because I want to know if I did something wrong or if you just don't fuck with me anymore. Like, let's just figure this out because I'm sad.

I feel neglected by you guys. And if there's a way that we can fix it, I want to fix it. I think that's the next step, is to figure out some sort of communication with this group. And last but not least, depending on what happens, there's acceptance that's needed of whatever they decide and whatever you decide. A harsh reality to swallow sometimes is that there are going to be moments in your life when people, for one reason or another, sometimes for a reason that they can't even explain, will decide that they don't want you in their life anymore.

And that is a harsh reality that is crucial for people to accept. And at times, you didn't even do anything wrong. It just doesn't fit anymore. Sometimes that's simply what it is. And you're going to cause yourself much more harm if you expect there to always be a clear reason, if you expect there to always be a fairness to it.

Like, I feel like a lot of us assume that if we're being a good friend in our eyes, that there's no reason that anyone could leave us. But at any given time, people can leave us and that is up to them and we can be upset and we can be frustrated and we can feel hurt by it, but we ultimately have to accept it, because there have been times in my life where I've made decisions about friends that I've had, where I'm like, you know, I just don't think that this friendship is uplifting me, is making me feel good. And they never did anything particularly, you know, nothing big ever happened. But it was just like, you know what? I don't think that we're on the same path in life.

And I don't feel like this friendship is inspiring to me, and I've cut friends off because of that. Did they do anything wrong? Like, did they backstab me or do something evil? Not necessarily, but I just didn't feel like the friendship was adding to my life, and I sort of felt like it was a burden and it was not giving me the space to go and explore new friendships that might be more inspiring to me in the following chapters of my life. You know, there isn't always going to be a perfect explanation.

There isn't always going to be an obvious reason. Sometimes it just isn't feeling right anymore for one side, and it fucking sucks. But when that's made clear to you, the best thing you can do is just say, you know what? I'm going to try my best to just accept this and move on and find new friends. Because, by the way, you don't want a friend that isn't on your team anyway.

It's so much better to go out and find a more loyal group of friends instead of sticking in a group of friends that isn't fully on your team, doesn't fully appreciate your friendship. On the other hand, they might also say, we stopped hanging out with you because of this reason, and now you have another type of acceptance that you need to figure out how to accomplish instead of just accepting the unknown. Now you have to accept that you might have done something wrong, and sometimes you have to accept that you did something wrong, even if you disagree with them. Like, they might say, you've been hanging out with your boyfriend too much. So we just stopped hanging out with you.

And you might be like, yeah, but I'm excited. I have this new boyfriend. I want to spend time with my new boyfriend and split that 50 50 with you guys. Like, why is that upsetting to you all? And they're like, well, because we hang out every day and you don't hang out with us every day and we don't like that, so we just don't want you in the group at all.

You might not agree with what they think that you did wrong, and that's also really challenging, because now you have to accept that they don't want to be friends with you anymore for a reason that you don't think is morally wrong. You think there's nothing wrong with what you did, but yet now you're losing friends for something that to you, is not offensive, is not wrong, and that's also really challenging. But again, it takes two to tango in any type of relationship. And if the other party is feeling a certain way about something that you're doing, you can't control how they feel about it. It can be unfair in your eyes, but you can't change the way that they feel.

If they don't like something that you're doing, you have to accept that that is the way that they feel. You cannot change that. You can say, listen, this is why I'm doing that. I really think our friendship is worth fighting for. I really think we should try to figure out a way to find a happy medium.

You can say all of that and they might take it, and you might be able to work through it, but they also might not take it. And you have to be accepting of both scenarios. If you can find a way to remedy the friendship, that's beautiful. However, you have to ask yourself first, do I want to be friends with people who just stop hanging out with me out of nowhere and don't confront the issue at hand. You have to ask yourself that, is it even worth remedying?

Because I personally don't like being friends with people who won't be fully, 100% real with me. If something's up, I want them to come and tell me immediately if I fucked up, if I did something wrong, if I hurt their feelings, I want them to come to me so we can work through it together. I don't like random changed behavior out of nowhere. Like, all of a sudden, we're not hanging out as much. All of a sudden, they're not talking to me anymore.

I really value friendships where we're fully open, everything's out on the table, and I think there's something to be said for learning together. So, you know, you can go and confront your friends and say, hey, why are you doing this? Like, why aren't you communicating with me? This is really confusing and upsetting for me. And you can say, moving forward, if we're going to be friends, like, this is a deal breaker for me.

Like, we need to be communicating. You can try that, and that might work great and everyone might learn from it, but again, there's a chance that that won't be the case and that this is just the way that they are and you might be better off searching for a new group of friends. I think a lot of times we stay in the same group of friends for longer than we should because we're like this is comfortable, this is safe. Same thing with romantic relationships. This is comfortable, this is safe.

I don't want to leave this because I don't want to be a quitter and I don't want to shoot myself out into the unknown and have to start over. Understandably so. But when things like this arise, you should ask yourself, do I want to be friends with people who behave this way? It's a question to ask, but either way you're going to be fine. Whether you learn together in the friendship or you go out and you make new friends eventually, which is a time consuming and sometimes daunting process, whatever you end up doing, you will be fine and you will find your next group.

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Everybody already had their friend group and I was a loner. It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I was just talking about this with somebody the other day. Like, it's wild how many social nightmares you have to encounter when you're a kid, and it's all so beneficial for learning and growing and developing into a functioning adult, but fuck, it sucks. Here's my advice, okay?

Number one, you gotta trust the process. It might take a little bit. You might have a few weeks or a few months of being kind of a loner. I ate lunch by myself a few times. Quite a few times, actually, in middle school I've done that again.

Even, I think in high school, a few times I ate lunch by myself when I was in between friend groups or dealing with drama and other friend groups. There are times when you might be a loner and there's two ways you can look at it. Number one, like, this is so embarrassing. Everyone else has their group of friends and I'm a loner. Or you can look at it as this is just a temporary reality for me right now and I'm going to make the most of it.

I'm going to work on my homework at lunch. I'm going to read a book at lunch. I'm going to go into the library and go on the computer and watch YouTube videos. I'm going to make the most of this time alone. I would say lunchtime tends to be the most challenging time when you're a new kid at school because you don't know where to go, you don't know who to sit with.

But I would say the first step is to accept the gray area that you're in right now where no one really knows you and you don't really know what to do. So you're kind of just in limbo. I was so uncomfortable with that phase when I was younger, and I wish I would have just accepted it and appreciated it in a way while it was happening because I think that there's something kind of beautiful about that time. There can be something really enjoyable about having a peaceful lunch by yourself. There's something peaceful about not having anyone to hang out with on the weekends.

I think if you can change your perspective, change your lens on how you view that time of your life and look at it as a time to grow, a time to enjoy your hobbies or develop new ones. A time to reflect on what kind of friendship you're looking for. A time to think about your plan, how you plan on making friends. That's a beautiful time. So I think accepting that is my first piece of advice, my second piece of advice is try your absolute best to involve yourself in as many social activities as possible.

For example, when I was in middle school, I joined a competitive cheerleading team in fifth or 6th grade. And that helped me so much when it came to making friends, because doing a team sport, you're just. You're hanging out with the same kids every single day, and naturally you just build these friendships. And a lot of times, too, especially with sports teams that are outside of school, you end up making, like, everyone's kind of random, you know, like, everyone's coming from different schools and stuff, and you're all meeting together to do this sport together. And that can be a great opportunity.

But also something through school can be great. Like doing a school sport. I made a lot of friends through doing high school sports. I was not necessarily as much of a new kid in high school because I knew a few kids from middle school, but I still made a bunch of friends doing cross country, you know, doing track and field. Like, even I did cheerleading for a very brief little period of time before I got kicked off the team for missing too many practices.

I made some friends on the cheer team. Like, involving yourself in the school is so helpful and there's endless options, you know what I mean? You can fucking run for class president. You could, which is so scary. I would never have done that.

But you could do that. You could join the chess club. You could join, like, it sounds cringe. It sounds corny. We all like to think we're too cool for this shit, but let me tell you, it is such a great way to meet people because in class, it's harder to talk to people.

Like, you need to be paying attention. You'll get in trouble if you try to socialize at lunch. Everybody has their group. It's very hard to integrate. Sports and clubs and things like that are so helpful because you can naturally be a bit more social.

And I found a lot of value in that, but also accepting people's invitations. Like, I remember in middle school, there were a few nice people who could tell that I was new, who invited me to sit with them at lunch. And a lot of times these people were, you know, they were very nice. But maybe we didn't have a lot in common or we weren't. You know, like, I wasn't initially drawn to them in a way because, again, like, we don't have a lot in common.

We don't like the same movies. We don't like, read the same books. We don't. We don't have things in common, but they were just nice and they were like, hey, you don't have anyone to sit with. Come sit with us.

And even though it was a weird match, it maybe didn't click perfectly. It's important to accept those offers. I think at times we can feel like, oh, this is not a friend group that I'm, like, striving to be in, so maybe I shouldn't take up this offer. You can judge people in a way and say, like, I don't think I'm gonna fit into this friend group. Like, this just doesn't make sense for me.

Don't judge a friend group by its cover, if you will. That doesn't make sense, but don't judge them. If someone offers to have you sit with them at lunch, say, yes. Sit with as many friend groups as you possibly can. Try to become friends with everyone.

I think a lot of times we can search for a friend group. We want to find a friend group, and that happens eventually. But in the meantime, try to be friends with everyone. Anyone who reaches out a helping hand to you, take that helping hand. Even if you, you don't see a future for the friendship, it doesn't matter.

Try to become friends with as many people as possible. Okay, next, somebody said, how do I end a friendship when I feel like we aren't seeing eye to eye anymore? This is really challenging because there's a difference between ending a friendship because you don't feel like you're seeing eye to eye anymore and ending a friendship because somebody did something bad, right? It's far easier to end a friendship when somebody did something bad because you can say, hi, you did this, and it's fucked up. And I don't wanna be friends with you anymore because of this obvious reason.

And that's very hard to combat. Like, the other person can't come back to you and say, no, we should still be friends. And you should forgive me for this, because if somebody did something really genuinely fucked up, they know, like, they know that they fucked up and they know it's your right to not be friends with them anymore and that you have a more than fair reason to leave. It's a lot more challenging when the reasoning for ending the friendship is vague. And I've ended friendships for this reason more often than not.

Where there's a bunch of little small things or I just feel like we don't align anymore. And it is really challenging because it can cause a lot of anger from the other party because they can feel blindsided, like, what the fuck did I do? And sometimes the reasons why you don't want to be friends with someone anymore are not things that are helpful to communicate. Like, for example, I've ended friendships with people because I've felt like they were too immature. How am I supposed to go and tell this person, I feel like you're too immature for me?

I have grown out of our friendship, and I don't want to be your babysitter, and I don't. And I can't deal with the way that you handle situations. It's not aligned with me. I can't. It's exhausting for me.

But that's something that's very challenging to communicate and arguably not helpful. They have to figure out their maturity on their own. Obviously, communication is the best policy. If you can find a way to politely communicate to your friend, like, hey, you know, I don't think we're seeing eye to eye anymore. The way that you handle situations just does not work with me.

If you feel like there's a way that you can communicate it where it's gonna be beneficial and helpful, or you feel that it's worth risking an angry response from the other person, then obviously communication is the best policy. But in the past, I have personally really struggled with communicating this particular reasoning for ending a friendship. And a lot of times I've sort of slowly let the friendship dwindle. You know, start hanging out less, stop calling as much, still be, you know, there for support, but not be as readily available to this person. And to be honest, like, I don't love that method.

Like, I've done that a lot in the past. But as I mentioned earlier, with the first dilemma, the friend group of four girls, and they started hanging out without one of the girls. It is unfair to just kind of leave someone in the dust. Like, it is definitely better to communicate, but sometimes it's so challenging that sometimes you just end up dwindling the friendship and letting it kind of dissipate into thin air. But I've found in the past that that isn't always effective.

For friendships that aren't super close, it's fine. It tends to work great. Like, there's less expectation there, there's less of a bond there, so it's much easier to just let the friendship dwindle. But with friendships that are deeper, like best friends, it's not the most effective. And I've done it with people who were best friends with me, and I really do think that the best way to do it is to find some way to communicate it and you might not be able to say the exact reason.

You might not feel like that's helpful, and that's why it's so challenging. If you feel like you can say exactly what's wrong and you feel like there's a way that you can communicate it, that's going to be helpful, help them grow and whatever. Great. Please do that. That's amazing.

I found that to be really challenging in the past and what I've tended to do instead, when conversations come up, when, you know, these friends confront me and say, why are we drifting apart? Like, what happened? If there's reasons that I don't feel comfortable saying, a lot of times what I end up saying is, listen, I just need some space. I am not in a place right now where I think I can be a good friend to you. I don't have it in me to be the type of friend that I want to be to you.

And I think it's best if we. If we sort of have some time apart for a while and, you know, down the line, maybe it makes sense to rekindle the level of closeness that we once had. But right now, I just don't have it in me to be a good friend to you. And I think you can put it on yourself sometimes when there's not an obvious reason and it's something a bit more vague. Because in a way it's true.

In a way that is telling the truth. If you're not seeing eye to eye anymore and you don't really want to be friends anymore, it's true that you can't be a good friend to them. So it's not even fully like a lie, it's just not addressing the main issue. Some people might disagree and say, you should just say it, but if the issue is like, they've been partying a bit more and like, I don't really like partying. Or like, oh, they have a new group of friends that I don't really like.

It's like that's something that they're going to do. Like, that's what they want to do with their lives. It's not always your place to step in and say, I don't like that. And that can cause an argument that's like, impossible to solve, like they want to do what they want to do with their life. And is it helpful to say, I don't like that you're doing this, even though it's not directly harming me necessarily.

I just don't like that you're doing this and it makes me feel misaligned with you. And I don't really feel like our friendship's working anymore. I don't know. In the moments when I've tried that, I've ended up sort of regretting it and wishing. I just put it on myself and said, you know what?

I just don't think I can be a good friend to you anymore. I think, you know, it's. It's my fault. I'm sorry. I think we need some space.

So I think in conclusion, because that was very messy, ideally, if you feel like there's a way that you can communicate the reasoning for not seeing eye die anymore, if you feel like you can communicate that in a way that is beneficial for all parties, go ahead and do it. If not, put it on yourself and say that you're just not in a place to be a good friend to them anymore. This episode is brought to you by Instagram. Some things are made for friends, but some things belong just between close friends. There are certain things that only people on the inside get.

That's a close friend story post, baby. That's what I'm talking about. Like, if all of my friends are on my close friend's story and we have a song that we used to listen to a few years ago, and I put it on my close friend's story, being like, y'all need to listen to this today. That doesn't make sense to the rest of my followers, but it makes sense to my close friends. That is what the close friend story is for.

And it can even spark connections at times. You know, a friend that you haven't talked to for a while is on your close friend's story. They might respond to that story, and you could reignite a friendship. Who knows? Keep your friends close and your close friends closer on Instagram.

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Somebody said how to distance yourself from people who you feel aren't good for your soul. This is sort of similar to the last question, but it's different because instead of ending the friendship, you just want to distance yourself from the friendship. And there's a huge difference because distancing yourself from the friendship is still maintaining the friendship to an extent, but being best friends with them is not good for your soul, but you don't want to completely cut them out of your life. I would say there's a similar sort of method when it comes to solving this problem as the last question, which is, number one, communicating, if you can, to the best of your ability, saying, you know, there's a few things that are happening in our relationship that are kind of upsetting to me, and I don't think I can handle it anymore. And I think, you know, I still want you in my life, but I think we're better off as being less close that, listen, that's great.

But I also think, too, when you still plan on keeping someone in your life, you can distance yourself without having a conversation as well. And I think that that can still be effective. And if the other person feels confused and they want to bring it up, they will. And then you handle that when that happens. But when they ask to hang out, maybe you don't say yes as much anymore.

You're not as available for that person anymore. And there's not necessarily anything wrong with that. Like, I think we tend to feel guilty about cutting off friendships or distancing ourselves from people, but that's our prerogative. All of us as individuals have a right to distance ourselves from people and friendships as much as we want. If something's not working for us, we have that right.

We don't need to coddle anyone and be friends with anyone out of pity. That's not good for anyone involved. Long term, we all have the right to leave, and we should if we feel that is necessary. We all have the right to distance ourselves if we feel that that's necessary. So try to remove the guilt and figure out what method works best for you, which one of those two methods works best for you, and what also you think will be responded to the best by the other party.

Like, some people are incapable of getting constructive criticism. And a lot of times you know that about a friend. Like, you know that if you bring up something that you think that they're doing wrong, it's just gonna, it's not gonna help anyone. And you can try it, but there's some people where it literally does not go through. And if you know that about somebody and you're like, I don't know, there's no way to get through to them, then all you can do is just distance yourself.

Stop hanging out as much, stop responding to them as much, and let it just slowly but surely distance. Next, somebody said, what to do when you have a friend that just keeps making the wrong choices? Is it even my business? How do I help? This is really challenging because I do think to an extent, there's something beautiful about being a support system for your friend and calling out when you think that they're doing something bad.

That's how we learn, is by other people putting us in check. But again, some people are receptive to criticism and other people are not. And so I think the first step is to try and say, listen. And it's very important how you communicate it. You can't attack them because that immediately puts people off.

If you confront them in a way that feels angry or violent or judgmental, people shut down when they're approached in that way. So it's very important to approach them in a way that's empathetic and loving and gentle and basically just say, hey, you know, I'm worried about the way that you're handling this certain situation. I don't think it's healthy for you. I don't think it's healthy for anyone else. Like, this is a problem, and I'm noticing it, I'm seeing it, and I can't not say something because I'm your friend and I love you and I want the best for you, and this is not healthy.

This is not good for you. And now you sit back and you relax to the best of your ability, and you see how they respond. They might respond receptively and say, wow, you know what? You're right. Thank you.

Like, I'm. Yeah, like, you're right. I know. Thank you for bringing that up. I'm going to think about that a lot more.

I really appreciate it. On the other hand, they might say, no, fuck you. Like, I'm an adult or I'm smart or whatever. I can make my own decisions. Like, it's none of your business what I'm doing.

They might respond defensively. And if that's the case, now you know whether or not this is a friend that you can communicate with successfully, and if there's somebody who's receptive to advice or to criticism, great. That's a friendship that's much easier to maintain. And unless they are just all talk and they say, in the moment. Oh, my God, you're so right.

And then they just keep doing it. That's a friendship that is actually beneficial for the both of you. If they take your criticism and they take your advice and they take your concern and they actually act on it and try to do better, that's great. Problem solved. If they, in the moment, are receptive but then don't listen.

Now, you know that they're not somebody who follows through with their word in a way they don't have the discipline to do so. And you have to ask yourself a question, is that somebody I want to be friends with? Can I handle watching this person make mistakes left and right? Can I handle that? Can I accept them as they are?

And then you have to make a decision. On the other hand, if they're completely non receptive, that's usually a red flag, but maybe you're willing to put up with it. That's a question you have to ask yourself. At the end of the day, your friend is who they are and you have to accept them for who they are. And that's a question you have to ask yourself every day.

Is this somebody that I accept as they are? You can make suggestions, you can try to be helpful, but you cannot change them. It's not your job to change them. It's not your business to change them. It can be your business to give advice or to call out when something seems wrong.

Sure, because you're their friend and you're a part of their support system, and it's important to hold your friends accountable and vice versa. You should try to seek friends who hold you accountable as well. But once you offer them advice, it's up to them what they do with it. And then you have to make a decision based on how they react to it. Somebody said how to deal with feeling left out slash like an outcast.

I think, again, this sort of goes back to what I said earlier about this sort of limbo period where you don't have friends. When you're trying to make friends at a new school, it's reframing the way that you look at that period of your life, and it's about having hope that you will find your community. The worst thing you can do is come to the conclusion that you're doomed, that you'll never make friends, that you'll never feel like you have a community. It's sort of like a self fulfilling prophecy. If you start to believe that, then that becomes true.

But if you can muster up the strength inside to change the way that you view the situation and look at it like, you know what? I'm unique, I'm different. I don't fit in. And that makes me cool. Actually, that's cool, especially in the adult world.

Like, once you get out of school, it becomes cooler and cooler to be sort of an outcast. And it becomes easier to find a community because instead of being confined to your school or something, you, you know, you have the whole world to explore. But depending on where you are in your life, you can still feel left out. And like an outcast, even when you're an adult, it's a mindset thing. It's about, again, reminding yourself that this is just a period of your life and that you will find a community.

To believe that is to have it come true. It's like the stories that we tell ourselves impact the way that we view the world. And if you say something to yourself like, I'm doomed. I'm an outcast. I'll never find friends.

That is how you see the world. You see the world as a place where you don't belong anywhere. And that's what you start to see. We look for patterns that confirm our beliefs. And so if we believe in our heart that we are an outcast and we will not find friends, then you will not, because that's what you will see.

But if you believe, no, I will find friends. This is just a period of my life where I'm lonely and I haven't found my community. You'll see things that you wouldn't see otherwise because you believe that friendship is out there. Like, for example, let's say you are at work, okay? You're at work and you don't know everyone at your work.

You work at a big company or something, and there's a lot of people who work there. If you see the world as a lonely place where you don't belong, if you walk into the lunchroom one day and see someone sitting alone, you'll look at that person and say they don't want to be my friend. They'll think I'm weird if I go and sit with them. And so you'll miss an opportunity to potentially make a new friend. Whereas if you see the world as a place where friendship is possible, community is possible.

You might see somebody sitting alone and say, they kind of look like an outcast, too. They kind of look like they're lacking community, too. I'm going to shoot my shot and go try to sit with them and spark up conversation. See what I'm saying? Like, the beliefs that you hold change the way that you analyze situations on a day to day basis.

And so it's important to be aware of that on top of that. Again, as I mentioned earlier, it's about looking at that period of your life as a time to develop yourself, as a time to solidify your goals and beliefs about the world and what type of friendships you want to have. And it's a time of reflection. It can be a very beautiful time if you look at it that way. But if you look at it through a pessimistic lens, it only makes the problem worse.

And I know it might sound like wishful thinking, like, yeah, but I've been trying to find my community for a long time, and I haven't found it yet. I think I'm doomed. It can feel that way, but you can't give up, and it's not true. There's a community and a friendship out there for everyone. You just have to be patient and accept the limbo and keep a positive mindset.

Sounds fucking cringe. That's not to say that you shouldn't feel sad about it sometimes. It's normal to feel sad about it sometimes. That's a part of the process. I think feeling sad about being lonely is what motivates you to take risks and talk to people, even when it's uncomfortable.

If we didn't have that feeling of sadness when we're in phases of loneliness, what would motivate us to go and make friends anyway? Like, that is a. Almost a survival mechanism. That feeling of sadness, you know, like, in order to get us out there to go meet people, let that sadness, let that pain motivate you to take risks socially. All right, that's all I have for today.

That's my advice. Hopefully it was somewhat helpful. It is definitely unprofessional. I am not a specialist in this, but maybe it was a little helpful. Let me know what you think.

If you have advice that differs from mine, let me know. On the Instagram at anything goes new episodes of anything goes every Thursday and Sunday. Tune in on any platform that you stream podcasts. Although if you want to watch video interviews, when I do interviews, check that out on Spotify. Follow anything goes on all platforms at anything goes.

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I love you all and appreciate you all and love our little hangout that we have twice a week. And I hope that you enjoy it, too. Yeah. I love you all, I appreciate you all, and I will talk to you very soon. Bye.

friendship challenges, advice session

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Episode Chapters

1: Introduction to Friendship Advice

2: Dealing with Exclusion

3: Establishing Boundaries

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