Esther Calling - It Feels Like My Siblings Abandoned Me

This episode explores the emotional challenges and dynamics within a family dealing with serious health issues, focusing on feelings of abandonment and responsibility.

1. The importance of recognizing and expressing one’s feelings in family caregiving situations.
2. The challenges of navigating personal boundaries while fulfilling family responsibilities.
3. The impact of family role expectations on individual emotional well-being.
4. Strategies for managing resentment and bitterness in strained family relationships.
5. The significance of support systems outside of the family in providing emotional resilience.

1: Introduction to the Caller’s Dilemma

Esther begins by understanding the caller's current family situation and the dynamics affecting their emotional state. Esther Perel: "Describe to me the situation. Where is the family at?"

2: Exploring Family Dynamics and Personal Struggles

The caller explains the health challenges their parents face and their role in managing these crises. Esther Perel: "But the primary person that has stepped in is you. You doing it. But you also find it very burdensome and overwhelming and lonely to do it alone."

3: Addressing Resentment and Anger

Discussion about the caller's difficulty in expressing anger and the internal conflicts they face. Esther Perel: "What do you sound like when you're not that sweet and kind?"

4: Concluding Reflections and Advice

Esther offers insights into managing emotional health and maintaining personal integrity in challenging family situations. Esther Perel: "You're going to choose your values and your behavior and how you want to be with your parents."

1. Acknowledge your feelings: Recognize and validate your emotions to better manage stress and avoid burnout.
2. Set boundaries: Clearly define what you are willing to take on and communicate these limits to your family.
3. Seek external support: Lean on friends or professional help to maintain your emotional and mental health.
4. Practice self-compassion: Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and seek personal time to recharge.
5. Communicate openly: Have honest conversations with family members about your needs and expectations.

In this Esther Calling, Esther speaks to a young woman grappling with the burden of caring for her ailing parents and the feelings of resentment she feels towards her older siblings. But the true cause of this family conflict goes much deeper than who is showing up and who is not.

Esther Callings are a one time, 45-60 minute interventional phone call with Esther. They are edited for time, clarity, and anonymity. If you have a question you would like to talk through with Esther, send a voice memo to producer@estherperel.com.

People

Esther Perel

Content Warnings:

None

So lately I've been wondering how to resist resentment that can come from your particular role within a family system. For context, I am the youngest of three and was raised in a midwestern catholic family, and within the last few years my parents have had numerous health complications and with our family system kind of in crisis, I have kind of felt this responsibility to be a significant emotional support. But at times it can feel like a lot of pressure and also just kind of lonely. Sometimes I feel like my siblings can check out in different ways, and I do want to honor their reasons for doing so. But I find that it still kind of hurts to feel alone.

And I guess I'm just wondering how to not let bitterness or resentment take over.

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Hi. Hello. Hello. Welcome. Thank you.

Esther Perel
Describe to me the situation. Where is the family at?

What are the forces that impinge on the family at this moment? What are the requirements of the different family members? How have the roles changed or not changed enough? So yeah, my senior year of college, which was, I think, three years ago, my dad was diagnosed with cancer, and following his chemotherapy, which he's healthy now, but, like, directly after, my mom was diagnosed with a brain tumor. And then there was a lot of tension even in that first diagnosis, because at the same time, my sister, who is very catholic and wanted to get married and start her life, which she couldn't really do based on her belief system, without getting married.

And so she had moved the wedding date up, and that meant that my mom decided to wait and push her surgery date back. And it's kind of been a roller coaster ever since then. She really was like the alpha in our family, kind of like the center. And I think it really upended a lot of just stability for us. And then just this summer, the wound on the top of her head never fully healed, and so they had to graft skin to put on the top of her head to close it, which is a very complicated surgery.

And it ended up being like 7 hours. And I was the only sibling in attendance for that surgery. And it was just really hard to be there by myself with my dad. Where was everybody else? And who is everybody else?

Yes. So my sister, she lives close to my parents now. She just moved in the last year, and she has two kids now, both below the age of two, so she's definitely very busy with them. And then my brother, who's the oldest, so my sister's the middle child, I'm the youngest, and my brother's the oldest. And he.

I don't know, he kind of just checked out this round. So let me tell you what I'm hearing, and if this reflects it. Your family is organized in such a way that mom is the pivot, and there are three children around. Your dad is important, but not central. And both of them have been going through major medical crises that have demanded that the children step in to help.

Esther Perel
But the primary person that has stepped in is you. You doing it. But you also find it very burdensome and overwhelming and lonely to do it alone. Everybody else seems to have explanations for why they do or do not show up. You can't even think about that because you have to show up.

So you don't even ask yourself and you're upset or you resent it. And I'm curious, when I listen to you, what do you sound like when you are angry? Because this is, you know, this is a very, very gentle voice that says, I would like not to be resentful, but says it with the sweetest, kindest, most forgiveness, most accepting voice I can imagine. So what do you sound like when you're not that sweet and kind.

What. Is the voice you don't want to hear inside of you? Yeah. I struggle with feeling angry. Why?

Esther Perel
In what way do you struggle? I mean, as in, I don't have the permission to be angry. Everybody should do what their heart tells them or what their God tells them or what their values tell them, and therefore, I have no right to ask for more. I mean, what's the rationale in your head that is tripping you? Well, when I get upset, because I did express some concerns going into the surgery to my mom, like, kind of wishing my brother would accompany me and trying to explain where I was coming from.

And I remember her being like, you just gotta get over that. And because I have also kind of held on to that frustration with my sister, it's not that I let it affect our everyday experience, but when these moments of crisis come up again, because there's been twists and turns, like, every time I think it's done or we've reached the end, there's another kind of setback. So I think back to that experience, and I just can never seem to understand why my sister made the decisions that she made, even though I do understand the belief system that informed those decisions. So let me make sure I understood this. Your sister wanted to have kids.

Esther Perel
In order to have kids, she needed to be married. And in order to be married, she needed your mother to postpone her brain tumor surgery so that she could have the wedding first. Is that what you're telling me? A little bit. I mean, my sister wanted to be able to live with her.

They can't even, like, her belief system results in. She wanted to live with her partner, and for that, she had to be married first. She wanted to have sex with your partner, and particularly maybe to procreate with that person. And so for that, she needed to be married. And in order to be married, she needed your mother to postpone her surgery.

Esther Perel
Is that what, or am I missing something here? Essentially, yes. But it was that the date was set first, and then they didn't ask my sister to change it.

And your sense is that they are more understanding and compassionate with your siblings than with you? To you they say, get over it, and to them, they say, whatever you need.

I don't know what the conversations sound like when they're with my siblings directly, but I do sometimes feel like they know that I will be understanding or can understand these other perspectives. And I think that my mom and dad actually, they really value family unity, which is. But, like, the kind that's more just as long as it looks like it's peaceful, not the kind that is actually. I mean, I think they do value unity in general, but I think that they would just prefer things to be without conflict. And where does that leave you?

Esther Perel
They don't want conflict. You're reluctant to experience resentment or anger or aggression.

You find it easier to be sad than to be mad. Yeah. Have there been other major disruptions in the family that required collaboration, understanding, action, tough decisions, acceptance? Yeah. So I'm gay, and that was a major upheaval for my mom and my sister in particular, and that's been really challenging.

My sister's pretty homophobic and also in denial. Like, she won't say, my sister's a lesbian. I think that was another element of why her wedding was so hard, because it felt like this solidifying of these very. Two different worldviews. My sister's husband is also very homophobic and comes from a very large catholic family, so it almost felt like losing her in a new way.

That's difficult. And with her having kids, it raises new questions, too, because I recently wanted clarification and asked if I would be able to have my partner around her children, and she said yes only if they're viewed as a friend because she can't risk her children going to hell, which is really frustrating. I don't even. I don't know how to negotiate that, really.

Esther Perel
We have to take a brief break, so stay with us and let's see where this goes.

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Esther Perel
You know what I'm watching you for is your original question, right? How do I not let resentment get to me? And my one thought I have is, why wouldn't it get to you? Yeah, like, why wouldn't you be mad? It's very different than just, say, frustrated.

Yeah. So I'm not even gonna necessarily focus at first on the specific. I'm taking care of my parents. I'm the one who lives far away. I'm the one who travels home.

Esther Perel
I'm the one who attends the seven hour surgery. Where is everybody? And on what basis am I supposed to do this? And I'm not even accepted. And I do more than anybody else.

And that's a whole subject we're going to come back to because it happens, you know, this particular transition of parents getting older and parents getting sick and how the family organizes around this and how there is a role distribution and who's allowed to check out and who's allowed to have other priorities and who's demanded to show up that whole thing. But in addition, there's something broader here that is a question that may not be related to specifics. It's just that you're coming with a particular situation, which is your relationship to anger. Yeah. And I'm not talking about fighting and yelling, just, you know, as in basically saying this is not right or this is unfair or this is uneven or look, you are going to do what you are going to do because you want your conscience to be clear.

So you are going to show up not because your siblings dont show up, but youre going to show up because thats what you choose to do one day. You want to be able to look in the mirror and say, I acted according to my values and my integrity and I did what I felt was right. The fact that I'm also upset at the fact that my siblings just left it all out to me is added to this. It's both ends.

You're not going to do those things because of how they act. You're not going to be reacting just to what they do. You're going to choose your values and your behavior and how you want to be with your parents. But the broader story here is what is the family's relationship to anger? And therefore also what is your relationship to anger?

Yeah, I think I've often experienced if I'm angry or just upset because I don't know if it's interpreted as anger if I get to that point. But I feel like it's just, you know, it disrupts the family system. And my mom, I think, is a huge influence and person that I, she's kind of a compass.

And especially because of everything she's been through, I sometimes feel like I want to, like she's always been sad that my relationship with my sister has been trying. And sometimes I think that I work to. She wants you to be the one to harmonize? Yeah. Okay.

Esther Perel
The fact that she thinks you and your sister, it's too bad you don't get along is one thing, but who should make it better? You? Or at least I think that that's your sense is my sister gets to say, I don't like this, I don't want gay in my house. You can't tell my kids who you are. I can't show up.

I need to get married. Your sister gets to answer, what makes you angry is the fact that you are forced to be good. Dutiful suppress your needs, act according to the higher powers. And your sense is that your sister gets away with stuff. Yeah.

For some reason, she's seen as the one who needs to be able to express, to explode, to say no, to say, this is it. But you have to be higher than thou, and you have to bring in the holiness in the house. That's how I'm hearing you. Am I off? Am I traveling in my own imagination?

I don't think so. I mean, I guess that's how I at least view it or experience. And how much is coming out related to that, or how much is this? These two have coexisted with each other for a long time. Oh, I see.

I think coming out was it definitely maybe exacerbated some of that or just put more of those dynamics on display? As in, since I am claiming something that is so not what my family stands for, I now have to be good in every other domain of life. I've used up my entitlement quota. I think part of that was, like, I was so afraid I was gonna lose my mom, and I really struggled that summer. I remember going home to talk to her just for a couple days after, and it didn't go so well.

And after that, I just remember feeling so sad and not sure what to do. I think with time and interaction of just not focusing so much on that rupture but just enjoying who she is because she's. I adore my mom. I hear you. She's awesome.

And it did help, but I think maybe knowing the depth of that fear of loss makes me wary of.

Esther Perel
I don't want to do anything that would upset her. Yeah. And could make her more sick. Yeah. So I want to savor as much as I can with her, and I'll deal with my feelings about all of this another time.

Yeah. I think there have been so many times within the last couple years where I felt like I've lost her in different ways, but then that she's still here almost feels like a miracle, and I don't want to take that for granted. But sometimes in the process of that, I can lose sense of my own needs. Does your partner support you? Do you have friends who support you, and do you find support outside the family?

I do. I have really remarkable friends. They listen to me and show up for me in so many ways. I couldn't ask for better friends. Has anybody ever traveled home with you?

No. Could you imagine that? Would you consider that? Yeah, I could definitely imagine it. It's a very remote place where home is.

It's the midwest, very small town. So it would be an experience for someone that's from the east coast. It would be an anthropological field trip. It really would. There's one stoplight in my town, but.

Esther Perel
It would make you feel that you can savor your relationship with her and be supported by those who have some to give.

Yeah. That sometimes waiting for your siblings to show up is a little bit like Moses and the rock. Yeah, you hit. You hit. But the water doesn't come.

Esther Perel
So you have water in your life, but it's not in your nuclear family. Right. Bring the water with you.

We are in the midst of our session, and there is still so much to talk about. We need to take a brief break, so stay with us.

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Esther Perel
What I'm hearing you say is I experience all of this in such precariousness right now. It's so fragile. I don't want to jeopardize anything. I don't want my mother to be surrounded by strife, which is your choice. You'll deal with your siblings afterwards.

You can basically think to yourself, at this moment, my priority is to be with her, and I'll organize myself in a way that makes that possible for me. If you want to have a conversation with your sister or with your brother, you can. My question to you is, is there a part of you that wishes that your mother would stand up for you? Yeah, I do. That's the other resentment you see there's a part of you that says I should not have any needs because she takes up all the space at this moment, and she's the priority.

And there's a part of you that wishes that she would actually stand up for you. Yeah. And that's conflict. That's less about resentment and that's more of a conflict. How do I ask for something?

How do I express or have any needs without experiencing my needs as crumbling her? And so the only way that I can preserve her is by suppressing any need that I have.

Yeah, that feels very true. Say it in your own words.

Esther Perel
If you said it to her, I. Think I would say, mom, sometimes I just want you to have my back. I just want you to see things from my vantage point and in a way that I see you do for my sister and my brother.

And I don't want to feel like my feelings are too much or that they're going to break the family system.

Esther Perel
Keep going. You've had this conversation in your head many times. Yeah.

I sometimes think that you think I can be too sensitive or that my emotions are too disruptive or destabilizing, but all I really need is for you to say, I hear you and I see you, and that would be enough.

Esther Perel
And while I try to do everything in my power to keep you alive, the anticipation of this recognition, this feeling heard and seen to never happen, feels like the loss that would be the other loss that accompanies death.

I will lose you as my mom, but I would also lose never having received that recognition from you.

Yeah. And it may demand guts from you to say to her, you know, we are on treacherous ground, and I'll be there for you.

Esther Perel
And it would mean the world to me if I could feel from you that, you see, if you would have my back. I can imagine in the future if one day you're not around that this is going to be the last that will be the hardest for me.

It's like I could accept your going if I know that I have had you in that very special way that I have had from you your back, your eyes, your ears, your understanding, your empathy, your compassion.

Yeah.

Esther Perel
How does that register with you? I think that is what I look for. And she did write me a thank you card, and it meant the world to me like it made it feel like it was all worth it. And I think knowing how significant that is really points to that desire of mine to feel recognized by her fully. Did you answer?

I called her and said that I really appreciated it.

I find writing her is actually one of the best ways to get all my thoughts out. That's actually how I came out to her. I was too afraid to say it, and, well, actually, I didn't want to hold her accountable to her first response. I kind of wanted her to have a moment to process it.

Esther Perel
So pick up exactly there. Yeah. You have the card. Write back and say, I know I said how much I appreciate it, but I'm not sure that I actually told you what it means for me. Yeah.

Why I appreciated it so much, what I'm after, and why this meant so much.

And you have the entrance door right there. Yeah. And I'm thinking about. She also put this image on the front of the card, and it was me. My friends had come to visit, and someone got a picture of me jumping through the air.

And the fact that she loved that picture. And it's funny because it's kind of me feeling free and fun and happy.

And I think that that also, in a weird way, meant a lot, too, that she values that. And I would jump even higher and feel even freer when I feel that you have my back. I don't know if I've ever told you how important that is for me. See, if you focus on your sister, you triangulate, you think your mother cuts her slack, that she doesn't cut you, that you are in the responsible role. And all of that may be true, but it's not the priority in the moment.

Yeah, that's really helpful, because I think in the past I've used my siblings as points of comparison, and it does complicate it and detracts and distracts from what we're actually trying to emphasize. That's right. Leave the geometry of the family aside for a moment and focus on what you need from her. Your mother got it. She responded to you.

Esther Perel
She sent you the perfect picture. You know, you are that child for her. You're the one who left. All the others are in small town. You're the one who's having the life that your mother didn't have.

You're the one going to school. You're the one making very tough choices. You're the one claiming your identity, etcetera, etcetera. You're far more of a bigger picture than you think you are.

You don't know if to smile or to cry.

Yeah, that happens to me quite a bit. I do laugh through, like, hard times and cry, but that's definitely a way that I manage things. Sometimes when you write me a card like this, I melt because. And then you tell her how important this is and how she is the mother that you need her to be.

This was an Esther calling, a one time intervention phone call recorded remotely from two points somewhere in the world. If you have a question you'd like to explore with Esther that could be answered in a 40 or 50 minutes phone call, send her a voice message and Esther might just call you. Send your question to producer estherparel.com dot where should we begin? With Esther Perel is produced by Magnificent Noise. We're part of the Vox Media podcast network in partnership with New York magazine and the Cut.

Our production staff includes Eric Newsom, Destry Sibley, Sabrina Farhi, Kristin Muller, and Julian Hatt. Original music and additional production by Paul Schneider. And the executive producers of where should we begin? Are Esther Perel and Jesse Baker. We'd also like to thank Courtney Hamilton, Mary Mary Alice Miller and Jack Saul.