E506 Sal Vulcano

Theo Von
I want to announce that we have a show in Cork, Ireland, now on June 9 at live at the Marquee, New York City, New York. May 31. Belfast, London, Idaho Falls, Salt Lake City, and Las Vegas, Nevada. There 4 July weekend. We'll be there in Las Vegas, Nevada, for two nights at Resorts World.

You can get all tickets@theovon.com tour. And thank you for your support. And if tickets are too expensive, make sure you're not buying them on a secondary site. You got to do that. That's why we suggest go through the website and, and if they're too.

If they're. If they're sold out or something and they're expensive on secondary sites, just hold the line. We'll come back through some other time. I love you guys, baby. Thank you.

Today's guest has his first stand up special, terrified, premiering on YouTube on May 31. He is one of the most energetic and engaging and humorous humans that I've ever met. You know him from impractical jokers and just from the years of joy he's brought to all of us. Today's guest is Mister Sal volcano.

Good to see you, man.

Good to see you, dude. Yes. We just. We waited to, like, say hey to each other kind of, until the episode started. Oh, so this is the episode of now.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. So, yeah, I'm just letting people know because sometimes, yeah, you start the episode and it's like, oh, man, we're already going, and. And then it's like, you.

You are. You just kind of will get rid of some of the good energy in the beginning, man. Yeah, I got it. I got the good energy. I was looking forward to seeing you, man.

Yeah, same dude. 100%. Yeah. So what's different? Oh, yeah.

So the other place, like, we still have, like, our producers that work there every day. We got Zach and Nick, and they work over there. Just making sure everything's smooth, planning ahead. Yeah. You know, and then.

Yeah, it's been different being here, you know? Yeah. But you. How far are you from here? This is not.

Sal Vulcano
You don't post up. You stay here. I live here. You live where we're at right now? Yeah.

Oh, okay. I thought you, like, arrived from somewhere else. Oh, you've been here? I've been here. Oh, I thought you, like, arrived here.

I was like, it's a big office, man. I was like, damn, I fell asleep here. Okay. Okay. So this is your permanent area.

Theo Von
Yeah, this my residence. Oh, right on. Okay. Oh, yeah, this is my legal residence, man. Oh, that's so cool.

Sal Vulcano
All right. So this is a great setup, dude. Yeah, it's good. When you squin. You.

When you went to scope the place out, this had to be, like, a big selling point that you could make that. Well, this existed kind of was like, oh, wow. So I could maybe make this work, you know? Yeah. I wish there was a little more space sometimes.

Up here or. Yeah, up here. This is good, though. I mean, it's been. Look, that's the thing.

Theo Von
It's like, do I need more? Like, I looked at a house the other day that has, like a. Like, basically the front is kind of almost an office. Okay. And I was like, well, I could do that.

And then I'm like, but do I need more? You know? I think it's about figuring out what you really need, kind of. Yeah, man. And what you want, you know?

I don't know. And then I'm not home as much as I would like to be. You do a lot of road still right now, right? Yeah, yeah. Still touring.

And then sometimes I'll go do podcasts on the road. Yeah, yeah, I know what you mean. I've been trying to, like, I live in a condo still. I've been trying to build a house. Oh, wait.

Weren't you guys building house for a while? We talked about this last. Is that true? No joke. I haven't progressed at all.

Sal Vulcano
We're supposed to, like, knock down a house and build a house, and I had to go through the process. Like, I don't know anything about this stuff. Like getting, like, an architect and, like, you know, making the plans and then demoing the thing and, you know, I don't. Not handy. I don't really know anything about this stuff.

And it's just been like the. The worst experience. Really? Yeah, we had stuff and squatting. Aren't you in New York?

I am, yeah. Yeah, I bought that. I bought the property. Okay. Years ago.

I thought I'd be living there already. Yeah, but it's all about. So we've been making refinements. So it's like. That's what.

It's by the. The Hudson? Yeah, like the. You know, it's by the New York there on the water. Yeah, it's pretty dope.

Like, I. Like, I have questioned in the last three years, like, not doing it, like, three, three times already and just saying, fuck it, because, like, it's just been so tough to do. That's me. No worries. You gotta get it.

No, you know what that said? You're gonna laugh at me. It said, no smoking, no junk, except fruit every day. That's my. Wow.

Just to make sure. Yeah. Cause you know when I smoke weedle, like, I eat, it's no good. So you'll smoke and then you will eat. I say, I play this game myself where it's like, all right, if I smoke tonight, I'll let myself smoke.

If I don't eat, if I eat, I can't smoke. And then when you're hot, you just like, you're like, yeah, but you know, and it just happens over and over and over and over. It's like. But it's not even like we're laughing, but it's like an issue. Oh, yeah.

You know what I'm saying? Like, and I'm just like. I was trying to lose weight, you know? Cause I shot the special and I was like, trying to lose weight for that. And so I did really good.

I lost like a ton of weight. You look a lot leaner. Thanks. Yeah, yeah, it's been over time, but like, it's, it's from like my heaviest like a year and a half ago. Probably down 50.

I fluctuate up and down 50 my whole life, though. So like now I'm trying to like break down even like the next. Get down to the, like next 20 or whatever. And it's just, it's just tough because. Cuz I'm so stressed, like, oh, yeah.

At the end of the night, I cannot turn off. You can't? I can't turn off my brain unless I just smoke a little and otherwise I won't be able to sleep. I won't be able to just like stop everything excuse racing. So, yeah, dude, I would love to be able to have that.

Theo Von
I wish I could smoke dope or even smoke crack, honestly, sometimes. But, but, yeah, then it's like, how do you also get some rest? I guess. But yeah, I don't know. Gonna rest with the crack, though.

Yeah. I don't know if you wrestle with the crack. I don't know. I never really, like, I feel I have known people that have done crack. I haven't talked to them about it.

Sal Vulcano
When I say I know them. I was probably a kid and there was people that worked around where I live with my. And I think they did crack. That was a rumor. Wow.

But I don't really, I don't really know what crack does. It's a functional, like the mypillow guy, he does crack. He did it his whole building, the pillows, you know? Really? Yeah.

Oh, so good things can come out of it. They're all crack. Success stories, you know what I'm saying? Oh, wow. Is that what the secret is?

Is like, crack in there? It's like they dust a pillow with crack before they ship it. People are like, yo, this is the best fucking pillow I've ever had in my life. This is my pillow. You can't have that shit.

Theo Von
It's like crack. Bay, that guy. Like this, you know, he just. There's a guy on the assembly line just like, as they pass. No, but, like, crack is like crack.

Sal Vulcano
Like, is it crack like cocaine? Or is it like heroin? Or is it, like, both. Well, let's bring up a little bit of crack, if you can. Yeah, and bring up a crack.

Theo Von
Rock crack. I think crack was. It hasn't been as big as it was when we were younger. When we were younger, it was like, you know, sleep, breathe crack. Like it was in the black population, too.

I think they. And I think there's documentaries and I haven't seen this, but I believe there's documentaries that they. I believe it was unleashed on the black community or whatever. Oh, is that right? I don't know if it's true, and I'm not saying that it isn't true.

I just haven't seen. I didn't go down. I've never gone down that. Yeah, but how do you. How do you make it?

Can you give me some information on it? Yeah. What's the word? There's a beautiful picture. Not beaut.

I mean, there's different images. An assortment. It looks like crack had a photo section. Hold on a second. All like, how you shoot eBay items.

Sal Vulcano
You know, it's not like in the wild crack. It's like crack in a studio. Yeah, it looks like somebody made a charcuterie board with. I bet you there's been a drug party before where it's been laid out like charcuterie. Oh, like in the high end.

The high end drug parties, like in the hills and stuff. Oh, dude, I heard a little brigitte. And, like, a little bit like. Oh, yeah. A little camembert, a little sauvignon croc.

Really appealing, too. Like, people went to the party and they never did drugs before, but then they were like, looks good, though. Oh, yeah. They're like, oh, there's no way that crack rock doesn't go with that fig jam. Yeah, fig jam is my favorite thing on that charcuterie board.

It's not always on there, but it is only gives you the sweetness that you need to cut through. Yeah, I love a good fig jam. You know, it's under valued. I think it's kind of the. It's underappreciated, yet it's costly, which is.

Really the dichotomy about undervalued but overpriced. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. When was the last time you had fig jam?

Theo Von
I think when you're saying it, when someone is. When I've been at someone's house that has. That has, I guess, rich or whatever. And they have fancy wine corkers or whatever, like that bottle the wine, like. Yeah.

And then they'll have a charcuterie board sometimes. Yeah, but I got a charcuterie board for the Super bowl. You did? It had fig jam on it. Yeah, it had fig jam on it.

Really? But it also had jalapeno poppers on it. No, well, I did have wings as well. I had wings. I had other things.

Sal Vulcano
Normally, we'll make it. But then my lady found someone who did it. She went to a party and they had it and she was like, whoa. And she got the number and then we ordered it and they bring it. It was like on a four foot board.

Oh, you know, and, you know, you gotta pay the lecture for it. But for the guests, you know, it's. Almost a level of like, how rich you're willing to be when you go down the charcuterie boards because there's also different sizes. The. There's the Noah's ark, there's the.

Theo Von
And you can go all the way down to, like, the Titanic door. Santa Maria. Yeah, yeah. There's like, the nina.

Sorry. And that's your joke, dude. I stepped on it. But. And, yeah, and you can go all the way down to, like, titanic door.

Like this small little. Yeah, don't ever let go. Yeah, yeah. You never want to let go. But I will tell you, though, I stood there calculating how much the woman actually paid, like, the actual wholesale cost because I was like, there were some things on there that.

Sal Vulcano
There are some things on there that make you go, oh, okay. But they're like, you know, they're throughout. But then there's also, like, you know, grapes just cheat. You know. So I'm, like, looking at it, I'm like, man, I guess it's labor intensive.

I'll give her that. Okay. Cause I felt like she probably could have got away with everything on there for like, under 200. And it was probably like 450 or something like that. Oh, wow.

Theo Von
A $450 shark. It was like 4ft. Well, we had like 35 people. Oh, that's fair. Yeah.

Oh, yeah. If it feeds 35, dude, I'll fucking get one of those every. Yeah, but then, like, not, we had so much food. Not everyone ate it. And then I have, like, so much excess charcuterie.

Sal Vulcano
And then I feel guilty because I'm like, I have to eat this. I can't piss away money like this. Yeah. So I'm just. I was eating charcuterie for, like, six, seven days past the Super bowl.

Theo Von
Really? Yeah, just having olives and pecans and just what? Yeah, but you know what? Eleven pistachios, like, they always have, like, like seven or eight, like, things. Yeah, there's unidentified things all the time.

Sal Vulcano
I gotta, like, google photo it. I don't even know. I'm like, what is this? It looks like. I don't even know if it's cheese.

Is it cream? You know, there's nuts I never seen on there before. Oh, it gets twigs very vague towards the end. Like, there's like, sometimes there'll be, like, a hoof meat. There will be like, something called a neighborhood sausage.

Theo Von
Yeah. They give you like a. They give you, like, a legend. Like a key. You're like, oh, you gotta try.

Sal Vulcano
That's the neighborhood sausage. But it's so much more depressing eating it the week after because it's bagged in, like, sandwich bags in the fridge. And so now I'm just pulling out different bags of unidentified meats and, like, tasting it. And, like, the sodium levels that week were probably through the roof, really. I retained a lot of water that week.

Theo Von
Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that's another big issue, I think is one of the side effects of charcuterie boards is gout, probably, and severe salt retention. My buddy's daddy, if he had too much salty, couldn't talk, and. And so.

Sal Vulcano
I miss you, man. Oh, yeah. So he'd get his fucking dad. Like, his dad would be drunk and he'd get him. He'd get a bunch of fucking, like, he'd keep giving him potato chips.

If he know he's gonna, like, steal the car that night, the day before, he'd be like, give his dad just a family sake. Like a Costco bag of ruffles. Yeah, the dad, he wouldn't chew him. Out when he got home. He would just look at him like, furrowed.

Theo Von
With my jaw unlocked. You ever have gout? No, I never had. I. My stepdad had it.

I think it's basically salt builds up, like, in the bins of your body. Huh? I self diagnosed gout. You just said you had it. Yeah, I just said it.

Sal Vulcano
I was trying to will it. First of all, thank you for admitting it. A lot of people will have fucking, like, I had, like, a stepdad probably couldn't even move his arms or anything. He's like, I don't have anything wrong. And meanwhile, his fucking arms look like.

Randy in a Christmas story. In the snow suit. Yeah, yeah, he looked like that. No, I was getting these sharp pains. Is that gout stuff right there?

Right there. Oh, wow. I never even googled gout, and that's where I had it. Gout happens when you rate. You are a good t shirt.

Gout happens. Gout happens. Yeah. I didn't mean to cut you off now. No.

Theo Von
And that is definitely a market that, as we age, we can get into, I think. Gout happens. Gout happens, right? Oh, my stepdad would wear that every day. He'd wear the sweet.

Wear the helmet. He's got it so bad, dude. He's a fucking. He shows up on the periodic table at elements. That dude has so much salt in it.

Fucking probably got iodine. That's not good. You ever talk to him about it? We mentioned it. You should cut his sodium down.

You know, we mentioned it. Anything you could do for him? He's born free. He wears a shirt that says born free all the time, so that's not the kind of guy you can approach about their sodium. I think born free essentially means gout habits.

Yeah, those are. That's an interchangeable shirt. No, I had this shooting pain, like, in your foot. Out of nowhere. Out of nowhere.

Sal Vulcano
But I mean, like, your foot locks up and you can't, like, you would have to, like, you have to, like, tiptoe and put your weight on the other foot. Out of nowhere. Right. And then what happened? Like, could happen for two minutes.

Could happen for, like, five minutes, ten minutes. And then it would just magically, like, a Charlie horse would just go away. Oh. And I didn't really know what it was. I thought.

I kind of. I thought I broke my toe or I had some. Something wrong with the actual, like, infrastructure in there, and it would reoccur and go away and reoccur. And I was like, I gotta talk to my doctor. So I went and I got x rays, and they were like, it's fine.

There's nothing wrong with it. You're full of shit. And I realized, God, because it's not just salt, I heard, like, well, it is meats and stuff, so I guess that is salt. Yep. Salt.

Theo Von
Shrimp by no habit shit. That's the seafood. Seafood is high in sodium. I didn't really, really know that. And I eat seafood thinking like, oh, it's lean.

Sal Vulcano
It's good protein, you know? Yeah, it's a lean cuisine of the ocean kind of. It is. It is, right? Yeah.

And then I realized. I realized, I guess you can have it. You could have flare ups and it goes away. Cause I have in knock on what this is gonna be. This is gonna suck.

Cause I know I'm gonna bring it back now by saying it, but I haven't really had it in, like, a year or a year and a half. But there was times where I would get it, like, every few days, and it would strike anywhere at the most inopportune times. Yeah. Thank you, though. You know, prayers, you know, anything you could do for me.

I love how, like, you really. You actually really just got empathy for them, for my. Well, I watched my stepdad. He would have so much, like, flare up or whatever. He couldn't.

Theo Von
Even. My stepmom would go put a blanket on him. Like, he couldn't even, like, even an Afghan or whatever, couldn't touch his skin. It would fucking hurt him too much. Let's give this information, though.

Gout happens when urate, a substance in your body, builds up and forms needle shaped crystals in your joints. I don't even know what that is. God. Yeah, I guess I have needle shaped crystals. This leads to pain, swelling, redness, and changes in the movement and use of the affected joint.

However, not everyone with higher rate levels develop gout. And does gout just go away? Maybe look that up, how it comes and goes away. Yeah, the pain is like, you can't use the foot. You literally, like, it's almost like you need a crutch, but you don't have one because you never know your short friend.

Sal Vulcano
Yeah, you need a. Yeah, you need anything, really, any kind of support at. All, gout can go away or return again and again. Oh, my gosh, dude, this is like one of those, um, one of those Robert Pattinson movies. Some people will go months or even years without having another gout attack, or very rarely.

Theo Von
They may never have another one. Yeah, it's like the mafia. Like, you never know when it's lurking over your shoulder. Like, it threatens you once, and then you just be like, you gotta fall in line. I have psoriasis, which is the same exact thing.

Sal Vulcano
I got a lot of, like, autoimmune things that threaten me. Then they go away, but they always. There's always a threat of them again. Yeah. Yeah, that's part.

Theo Von
One thing I just. I guess about growing up is that that stuff starts to happen. Your special is. Yeah, it's called terrified. I shot at the vic in Chicago back in December.

Sal Vulcano
Is my. This is my first actual one on anything I recorded. Yeah, I have some, like, television sets, and, like, you know, this is not happening. This, that. But, like, most of my stuff, I just never put it out there.

So, like, I finally, like, had the time, the Runway to do it. So, like, big. It's a big deal for me because, like, people, like, a lot of. A lot of people aren't educated that I am a stand up. You know, like, my fans are, but, like, just, you know, I want to reach, like, you know.

You know, so it's like, this is a kind of, like, my. You know, hopefully it'll reach a lot of people. Yeah. Well, I remember you and I got on a show together at a bookstore in New York. I remember, I think, when you were first starting to do comedy.

Yeah. Like, it's. Well, now, this about proper stand up. Probably been about eight. Eight years.

So now. Yeah. I actually was just so, so funny. Cause I was, like. I was talking to my lady that was coming here, and we started talking about you, and I actually, I went and looked at.

Because we. It was like, eight, nine years ago, you visited. We went. We went out together for halloween. Me, you, and her.

And I found a photo of us pe did. Yeah, I found a photo list, and I was like. I went. It was that far back, but I had to go in, like, my. This is.

This is you. This you. You dress as a newsie, and I was, like, a run dnc dude. Yeah, that was a fun night. Dude, that was a fun night.

Theo Von
And I remember we went to a couple of good bars. Yeah, we were hopping around. That was. Dude, that was nine years ago. I can't believe.

Sal Vulcano
I know. And then I found this one, which I was like, I guess I forgot we did this, but we did a show together, me, you, and adam ray, at the house of blues in san diego. Do you even remember that? Dude, I remember I showed up there with luggage for some reason. I remember.

I don't remember that. I definitely remember that. And. Cause I. Yeah, I just remember.

Theo Von
Cause sometimes you don't have luggage with you. Yeah, most of your life, you don't have luggage, right? No, not most of the days. Yeah. So.

Most. So when I have luggage, sometimes I remember it. Especially if you're with luggage at a place that you shouldn't have luggage. It always feels so weird. Oh, if you go to lunch or somewhere, you have to go to the airport after you fucking walk into, like, a.

You know, I'm trying to think of a good place that's. Well, that place is closed down, but even, like a macaroni grill, like, a semi nice place where. And you got the luggage by your seat. Luggage, you know, it's by your seat. And people are, like, walking by and you're like, yeah.

Pulling your luggage in. Especially in New York, I'm sure if you go to a cafe. Cause a luggage will take up probably 7% of a cafe. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely. And then forget about it.

Sal Vulcano
If you have a large. If I have your large. You probably just got eaten. The park. You probably can't get it through the doorway.

Theo Von
Well, you do. I mean, at that point, that's how homelessness starts, I think it's somebody that's. Somebody is meeting somebody. They're on their last leg. They're headed out of town, and they're.

They're meeting somebody for lunch. Somebody's like, look, I'll buy you a meal. And you realize your luggage is too big to get into the cafe. And they're like, you gotta eat in the park. I just got new luggage, so I'm, like, feeling good about it.

Sal Vulcano
Ooh, yeah. My old. I was still using the cloth one. Like, not a hard case. I like the cloth one because it used to, like, zipper.

The flat was thin and the whole depth was one side, and I was hesitant to get. You were using that style. I was doing that with just the two wheels that you had to lug, like, on. Like, it was like a hand truck. I respect the two wheels.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I, you know, and I ended up getting that one because my shit busted while I was at the airport. Airport. And then I had to run down and get luggage at the airport, and I bought it, and I was like, all right. And then I was like, oh, man, it was.

It was like, can't. You know, it wasn't, like, hard case, too. So it got, you know, wet and dry and wet and dry. But I liked that it was deep, you know? Yeah.

And. Oh, I guess that's true. You have one side as deep. You're not deciding what. It wasn't split, you know, and I resisted the hard case split for so long, and.

And then finally this luggage, I couldn't get the handle up anymore. I still. I still had it for, like, three months with no hand. Couldn't get the handle up. I was, like, just reaching low and just pulling.

I just. I just. I don't know. I just, like, don't have time and I was like, I. You know what it is?

I want to be a smart consumer. Yeah. And I didn't have the time to do the research on the new luggage, and so I just was like, I'm going to do. And then one day, I just like, I can't do this anymore. Yeah.

And I committed, and I got the. New hard, hard guy, like, trying to get out of a marriage. I'm gonna stay with this baby. Just. Just a few.

Just so I know that I really, like, I found somebody else. And now I do the split hard top. And you know what I was afraid for nothing, really. It's got four wheels. It glides effortlessly.

It's impermeable to liquids. Oh, yeah. And it's not really that bad, because I was like, oh, what if I need something that is, like, tall in a split? I'm not gonna able to do it because one side zips. So it's not like you can combine both sides, really.

But luckily, I haven't run into that problem. Happy to say that. Happy to announce it here. Damn. Thanks, man.

Theo Von
That's unbelievable. So, you are your hard case luggage guy now. Yeah, I'm hard case. I'll get you guys. The best part of it, though, is the effortless gliding.

Sal Vulcano
Yeah. I used to, like, be like, oh, yeah. It was like the trail of tears when I was like, you know, with the old one. Yeah. Not to diminish.

Theo Von
Get out of here, engine. People would yell at you. You're like, hold on, guy. This guy? Yeah.

This guy's just. He likes what he likes, you know, he knows that style of luggage. Wow. That was almost archaic. I feel like, though, to see somebody who would still just have the one thin layer side that you couldn't put anything in.

Maybe some pockets. But that was it. Yeah. It was like, for, you know, tissues. The first in flap was you couldn't do anything with it, really, but you.

Sal Vulcano
Have you seen someone walk with, like, us? You remember when we were little, it was just a suitcase with a handle, and if you were lucky, there was these little ball wheels on the bottom of, like, a traditional suitcase. And then they had, like, this little, like, almost like a little handle that you could pull it with, but it had no control. It was little ball wheels. It had no.

Also, like, it wasn't weighted correctly. You remember, they were, like, just big. So, back in the day, people had to, like, literally to carry their luggage in both hands, like, walk with it. Yeah. I like, when I was little, that's the luggage my parents had.

Theo Von
Well, that's all. And they call it luggage. I mean, they call it. I guess that was the original. Like they were lugging it around.

Sal Vulcano
That's gotta be it, right? That's why they call it that. It would have to be. I think my mother still carries a bag like that from like her childhood. Basically.

Theo Von
This, she's got. She, she jacked. She could be. Yeah, she could probably hit you pretty quickly without you being really prepared for it. Unless you grew up with her.

Sal Vulcano
You came to, you came to. Oh, you had timing. Your mom was like Mike Tyson in Mike Tyson's punch out. Like you can get all the way up to him and then you were just screwed. Oh, you make one mistake with him, you're done.

Yeah, it's one hit, you're done. Oh, yeah. Remember that? Yeah. 073-73-5963 that's the code.

It was, yeah, I have a tattooed in my brain. I made a t shirt of it, my own t shirt. Gout. Dude. Your mom was like, Tyson, did you ever beat him?

Theo Von
Mike Tyson on Nintendo? Yeah, we beat him. Yeah, somebody. Yeah, I remember like, yeah, we had one neighbor that was like real liberal and I was like, don't beat him cuz he's black, you know. And it was like, it's not about that.

It's like video game they missed a point in. Yeah, yeah. I'm like, they didn't want to shoot the ducks in duck hunts. Yeah, they didn't want to rock the boat. Yeah.

You know, I'm like, look, we paid $44 for this game on my 7th birthday so we could rock the fucking boat, dude. You know, this is one place I can take a swing at. A tough brother. Yeah. In the safety of my own home.

But yeah, when he would come out. Yeah. What sucks is you got all the way up to him. I guess they gave you the code once you got up to him. But I used to try and play it straight through, you know, I got to.

Sal Vulcano
I got to that point where I could play it straight through. It was one of my games. What do you mean play it straight through? Like I would start at glass Joe. Yeah.

And go until I beat Tyson. Just without like in one session. Oh, one sitting. Really? One sitting?

Yeah, yeah. I mean, what didn't take that long? Hours. I had all the time in the world when I was twelve. Remember how much time you had?

Yeah. Remember how much time you had? Dude. People like, what are you doing today? Like, what are you even talking about?

I don't even know what I'm going to. I have no idea what's gonna happen today. Yeah. Summer vacation from school felt like, felt like years. Yeah.

Theo Von
Kids can't imagine imagine or anybody imagine. Now you're out of school, you go home, there's a tv. That's it. Really. And it's playing like little house on the prairie.

And then straight into wheel of fortune. That's exactly right. Or straight into price is right. Well, little house price. Right.

Sal Vulcano
Was 11:00 a.m. and then little house was where I was. It was like, it was like, it was actually a, was little house. Prime time, though, I think it was. Or am I thinking a highway to heaven?

Theo Von
Highway to heaven. Okay. Okay. Yeah. And we're huge fans here of both of those.

Sal Vulcano
Yeah. Michael Landon stand all the way. Yeah. Somebody sent me a video of his hometown the other day in the, his childhood home and stuff is pretty cool. Of Michael Landon's.

Theo Von
Yeah. Someone sent you a video of Michael Landon's childhood home just recently. Yeah, just sent me. Like, this is where he lived at. This is the bench he used to spend time on.

And just like, just some, like, place, pieces from his neighborhood. What? Where is he from? Connecticut? I have no clue.

Dude, I want to talk more about this special man. Forest hills, New York. Now, this sounds nice. Have you been here? No.

Sal Vulcano
Is that queens? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I've been to Queens, of course.

Is that queens? Four cells? Yeah, go back to it. Let's see. Landon was born Eugene Maurice Orowitz October 31, Halloween.

No way. No way. That's when we hung out. Yeah. Morris tales, a neighborhood of Queens, New York.

Theo Von
His father's were pegged. It's beautiful, that, dude, it looks like, it looks like you're in an old Europe or something. It's all these old, like, there's a old section of it. Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like you're in like a, like a cottage.

Sal Vulcano
Like, it looks like you're in the foothills of Switzerland some, some of the places in Queens. Wow. Yeah. So, yeah, this was some of the footage. If somebody had sent me, and now.

This is apropos of nothing. They sent you. The Michael people know I'm a fan. Is that right? Yeah.

Oh, all right. I'm a known, um, fan of that. Kind of programming or him specifically. Him specifically. I think just like, you know, it was just, he was good, wholesome father.

Theo Von
He was a fatherhood. Yeah, he was, he was kind of. That father, that television father. When I started podcasting, an online store was probably the furthest thing from my mind. You know, I was just concerned with, with getting the episodes out.

But eventually we, we put a t shirt online and we started selling it, and, and then that evolved and people wanted more. And so next thing you know, we was selling a t shirt and a dang sweatshirts and a high heel, even at one point, I think. And that's where we are now. And it's been so easy. All because I use Shopify.

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See site for details. Great time to get something for yourself or something for Father's Day. A little bit more about the special man. So, yeah, like, what has that been like for you? Like the comedy road?

Like, did you start to really feel like, okay, this is what kind of comedians go through? Cause you also got in a comedy where people already knew you. Mm hmm. Was that scary? Like, oh, they're gonna judge me, or did it feel more like they're gonna support me?

Sal Vulcano
Like, yeah, I know what you mean. Well, I did stand up, like, 20 years ago, like, out of college. I did it for a little bit, and then I started getting to sketch comedy and, like, improv and stuff. And then that's how I really got into comedy. Cause I started to get a little successful with the sketch stuff.

This is, like, 2099. I started that, and then I got on the show, and I was like, well, the only thing I ever really wanted to do was do stand up, but it just, I didn't get go down that path. And then I was like, you know, if I don't do it now, I mean, I'm not. I have to start doing it now. I have a platform now, you know?

But I was like, I was very into this. Like, I was into the stand up world a little bit because I used to host. I owned a bar, and I used to host, like, comedy on Tuesdays, and this is 2008 910 1112. And so every comic, every New York comic played my bar. And so I became friends with everyone, like, years before I, like, started going hard at it in New York.

And so everybody was like, I was friends with everybody, and also, like, I just went at it really, really hard. Like, I was, you know, I didn't half ass anything. I was like, it's what I do, and it's what I wanted to do. But I understand, like, it's a thing, like, okay, people know me from television. Like, am I back during it?

Am I gonna have an act? You know, like, you know, but if you just, like, if you're out there every single night at every. I mean, I'm playing bars with three people in it to this, to that, to the next thing. Five, six spots a night for years, you know? So it's like, you know, and then it's like, you know, if you're.

If you respect it, I mean, you know, so luckily, everybody was really cool with me. And would you feel like, personally, that's a little bit more what I mean, like, I think you seem like an authentic enough guy where, like, you would be realistic about what you were really doing. You know, if you're just trying to create a fun show that was, like, a, like, a joker show, like, you know, or just, like, bring a lot of that to stage, or if you were trying to, you know, like, really rock in a stand up and really go through it, you know, and I know that for years you were performing, but, yeah, like, what was it? Was there anything, like, for you in your own head? Like, do I need to prove to my, like, was it some of that?

Theo Von
A little bit, you think? Yeah, but that's a motivator, you know? Like, because I tour with the guys. I've been touring with the guys for 13 years. Well, we toured back in 2000, but now since the show, we've been touring for 13 years.

Sal Vulcano
One of our fifth, you know, like, we do United States every market and then UK every month. You know, this is our fifth one in twelve years, so. And, you know, you know, our story was like, you know, we started really small. We started playing literally when we started, like, nobody wanted to really invest in us. Oh, yeah.

You know, like, even our agents, they like, we're like, oh, yeah, you can do live stuff, you know? And we started in, like, literally, like, c rooms, you know, like really, like, like hole in the wall places. But it got better. And then, you know, fear went theater, and then we started, you know, playing big, big, big places. And then.

But it is. It's different. It's not. It's not stand up, you know, it's like, it's like a multimedia show. It's for our fans.

We tell stories, it's interactive. It's, like, geared toward the fans. Yeah. And I love being there. I mean, so many of my first fans were fans that were.

Theo Von
Came over from you guys. Oh, no, really? Oh, yeah. I mean, is that just because of you? Like, you, I think from going on the cruise that we went on and then some of the fans, like, would come to my shows, you know?

Sal Vulcano
You guys have. Joker's had some of the most loyal fans by far. Yeah, yeah, that's true. That is really true by far. I mean, it's like the Bible.

Theo Von
And then jokers, I feel like. No, but they're good like that. If, like, we vouch for someone, it's like they will attach themselves. Cause, you know, they're not really stand up fans. You know, like, they're fans of the show.

Sal Vulcano
Maybe they're fans of comedy and everything, but they find a lot of people through us. Yeah. You know, so it's like, when we tell them, oh, this person, like, they're like, they're so happy to have someone to seek out and to become a fan of. Yeah, they're like more like human fans. Kind of human fans.

Theo Von
Like, just, like, usually just pretty fun loving people. You guys have had some of the best fans I feel like. Thanks. Yeah, I think. I think so, too.

Sal Vulcano
And they're just so, like, they're so invested and they're so loyal. You know, it's. We're only on the air this long because, you know, because of that kind of. I don't know, that. That kind of dedication they have to it, that loyalty.

You know what I mean? Like, we just signed. I just. Season ten just finished airing and we mean, we didn't announce this yet, but we signed for season eleven and twelve, so I'm shooting season eleven now. Wow.

And I can't even believe it, really, because it's like 300 episodes that we've doing it since 2011. Like, I didn't think that shit. But it's because of them. It's really. It.

It's cause of them. And, like, they. If someone is in our orbit and of the show's or, like, they want to, like, that's how much they love us. They just want to, like, they want to kind of. They're cool.

They're cool to be, like, a fan of what we're a fan of. You know what I mean? Like, that kind of thing, by extension. Yeah, yeah. They want to carry.

Theo Von
Yeah. They. And also they trust your acumen or whatever. Like, yeah, whatever. Whatever you think is on your charcuterie board of humor.

Sal Vulcano
Right. They, like, want to get it. They're like, oh, yeah. Like, you're my fake jam, baby. Yeah.

You know, saying. I'm like, try some fake jam right here. My fake jam, babe. That's another good shirt. We're gonna make a lot of shirts today.

Let's see how many pieces of merch we can come up with by the time this. This episode. Right now. We got two. Yeah, we got two.

Theo Von
We got gout. Gout happens in your fig jam. Yeah. All right. But I want to branch out.

Sal Vulcano
It can't just be t shirts. Maybe we'll do something like, oh, we'll get into socks. Maybe laptop covers or something like that. Ooh, socks. Yeah.

Maybe like a wind chime. Ooh, you gotta get. You gotta get. That's a secret with merch. You have great merch.

You gotta throw in something like people don't normally get. Really? I think so, yeah, that's. I think I just didn't wanna end up having, like, all kinds, like, you know, I got, like, hats for disabled people, or I got, like. That's too niche.

Theo Von
Children's vest. There's not a lot of disabled children's vests. You know, you're like, what is going on? You know, yeah, but you should do cinnamon. Like.

Oh, theo's got a cinnamon? Yeah. Do you have anything like that? No. I'm surprised you don't.

Sal Vulcano
You don't have, like, a rub or something like that? You don't. Dude, come on. You're the southern king, man. You got to get, like, yourself a rub or something like that.

Theo Von
I've got a rub, dude. You're not allowed to use it near school, I'll tell you that, brother. I did a peanut butter for charity. No way. Sals.

Sal Vulcano
Well, our podcast, we have the. So I do. Hey, babe. With Chris DiStefano and taste buds with Joe DeRosa. And together we're on this no press network on.

It's on YouTube, whatever. And so we. I had this peanut butter that I loved. Saratoga Peanut Butter company was this family owned, like, woman owned business. And she used to be from Staten island, where I'm from, and I found her at a Christmas market.

Not even her. I just found a stand, and I was loving it, loving it, loving it. And I would mention it and, like, you know, to support. And then they reached out and, like, we combined and made, like, a peanut butter for charity. I did that once.

Theo Von
Ooh, saratoga peanut butter. You put in, like, the. No pressure. I bet you it'll come up. Because it was cool.

Sal Vulcano
They were on the. We're on the label and stuff, like, fun, you know? Oh, that would be really cool. Yeah. I never thought about some of that.

Theo Von
I guess. Pickles. One time pickles. We did. I don't know.

I just worry, I guess, about, like, trying to sell to me. There's something that gets weird if I feel like I'm trying to sell people too many things. Oh, for sure. I didn't sell that. That was just.

Sal Vulcano
The money went to charity, and that was. I was just. Oh, I see what you say. Yeah. I didn't make my own.

Right. Yeah, of course. Of course. Q. I was on a.

So, q, my buddy, you know, he made cucumbers. No, that would be good. Yeah. He owned a beer company. He started it.

He. He bought the rights to and revived a beer company from Staten island for, like, a hundred years ago that went right. And. Yeah. And he was so passionate about it, and he doesn't.

He doesn't have any more, but it's years he had it. And to mess with me on the show he made. There was one time on the show where they renamed me Prince Herb. Okay. And I had to go by Prince Herb in my whole life for, like, a year, like, late night tv, the news any press going up on stage, please welcome Prince Herb.

They pierced my ears. They made me wear these big cubic zirconia earrings. It was very embarrassing. So I was known as Prince Herb. And so, I mean, everything I did, like, I would go to Starbucks and get, like, a latte.

They'd be like, Prince Herb. Yeah, right? And he made a Prince herb brew, and it was you in a picture. You. If you pull up Prince Herb, that's all me.

Oh, yeah, that's Prince Herb. They put billboard in Times Square. That's a billboard of me with the earrings. No way. Yeah, that.

That's the. That's the new Year's Eve billboard. That's the huge one that's in Times Square? Yeah. That's the size of the building.

Theo Von
Gout in your cheeks, dude.

Sal Vulcano
It's. It was, like, sixties. What are you looking at? The t shirt. The prince over 2024?

No, if you put in prince, that. That's. Oh, that's another thing. I'll get to that. That's me.

That's. Oh, that's you. That's me. That's the worst picture I ever took. 2003, I had the flu, and I was 60 pounds overweight.

And I gave them the picture to put on jokers because we, like, help each other out, you know? Like, we want to do something. Like, here, take this bad picture of me. Go ahead. And they kept using it for, like, six, seven seasons, right?

And then I was like, this joke is getting old. And then just when I thought I was getting old, it became a meme, dude. Uh uh. Like, the crying Michael Jordan face. Not that, like, it's that big, but I'm saying, like, that.

Like, people just started using it. I don't even understand why, dude, it got so big that college campuses across the country, I go do college shows now. Everybody in the audience has that face on a shirt, or they put it on. They put it on quilts, and they put it on, like, these blankets, and they hang them in the dorms. Wow, dude, graduation.

I'm on my fat heads on the cap, like, and everything. It's. It's. And I've never sold. Made a dollar from that.

Someone made so many millions of dollars. I mean, dude, I can't tell you the amount of merch that that thing is on. Who is that? That's me, dude. That's me.

I look like Andre the giant, bro. Yeah, it's just a bad angle or a bad day. I was in Santa Monica. I was at lunch with Q. He took the picture, and I was at I mean, that one's blown.

Like someone widened it, but it wasn't good. Understand? The one with the glowing orbs come out of his eyes. I don't know what I asked the kids when I go to the colleges, like, they hold them up on the blankets, like, they get this. They spend real money.

Theo Von
Oh, yeah. They get it blown up. And I'm like, what? What is this? And they just like quiltery.

Is it very costly? Yeah, yeah. I don't know nothing. I don't know much about it. Yeah.

Sal Vulcano
But I didn't think college kids could do quiltery. Can afford quiltering. Look at this. Oh, my God. Saladin know you had all this happen to you.

Yeah. And so. But when it first happened, I didn't know what. The guy died? Yeah.

Theo Von
I think that's part of it there. Everybody, when they look at that guy, they're like, oh, yeah, I remember him. It's. There's a gamble. I look like the whale, right?

Sal Vulcano
I never didn't see the movie, but I look like I locked myself in my house and I had, you know, I didn't come out for a while. You look like the whale. If he wrapped. I feel like. Like that's the element that's also.

Theo Von
There's a very brooklyn or very, like. Okay. There's a run DMC. Like, kind of a little bit with this in the. I don't see run DMC in just my big, peach, fat, bald circle head.

Sal Vulcano
But I. If you say it, I'll take it. Because anything to make me feel better about this photo. Okay. There is a.

Theo Von
Hasn't run in a while. DMC has not run. Yeah. Yeah. Thanks for the.

Sal Vulcano
Thank you for the inner while. I appreciate that.

Theo Von
But I know it's one of those pictures. You see, if you notice, you go to. And I hate to say this out loud, but afuneral. And one of the pictures that's on there. Why don't you want to say funeral?

Because people pronounce it differently and it means something bad. Well, if you say funeral. Oh, yeah. It helps soften the blow. That's a good call.

Yeah. Say we're at a crazy funeral. Somebody hands you a fan flit. Yeah. And you see a fixture on it.

Sal Vulcano
Sure. It looks like that guy a lot of times. Like, damn. Rip. Yeah, just say a frere.

Just say a freya for me. Rip. Ricky. Too soon. Like, a lot of that kind of stuff.

Yeah, that's what it looks like. It definitely looks like that. But when it. I didn't know what they meant. Someone texted me and was like, I gotta tell you something.

You're sitting down. That's what they said. I said, what's up? They go, you become a meme. And I was like, what is that?

What do you mean I become a meme? You know, I know what a meme is, but what do you mean I become a meme? And they're like, the picture of you that you hate, that was on like eight. Cause I was like, this is not funny anymore. You did it till it's not funny.

They used it for like seven seasons and then happened. And then, dude, for like one year, if I posted something, if I. My DM's were, I couldn't get to regular messages. I couldn't see if you dm me. I couldn't see it if I put something online, 800 of that face right underneath in the comments.

And it was like, I thought it was funny at first, but then it was like, it's just not funny. I got to talk to. I gotta, I have to communicate. I got to use the Internet every time I post. I can't just get that head in, you know, it's like, so I don't even know where we're going.

Oh. But anyway, the Prince herb, it was a non alcoholic hot pink beer, and it said, a corny beer for a corny mofo. If you put Prince Herb brew, you'll see the can. Now this is a funny story. You'll see the can with me on it.

It's a hot pink. It's a hot pink can. Like Prince Herbert. There it is on the left there. Oh, wow.

Theo Von
That's a real future looking cannabis. That's Q plugging it right there. Yeah. And it said like a corny proof or corny mofo. Now, here's the thing.

Sal Vulcano
This is the funniest thing ever. It was unintentional, but he shipped so many of those things, right? It was hot pink and it was non alcoholic, and he shipped so many of them. And what we did, he wanted to get it done in time for that punishment where they pierced my ears, put on billboard. So it was all part of the same punishment.

Theo Von
Okay? So I didn't know he was doing this. So after they, they brought me out to Times Square, they told me I was going to become Prince herb, and I. And I didn't know what they meant. And then they said, turn around, and I saw on the billboard, and then they took me inside, pierced my ears for the whole season.

Sal Vulcano
I had to wear these big cubic zirconia earrings. Oh, I didn't see this. Yeah. And then. And then that came up, and they told me about that in the moment.

So I guess in the haste. In the haste to produce the beer, make a recipe of a hot pink non alcoholic IPA. Something was wrong in the. In the measurements of the recipe, and he shipped out, like, I want to say, like, I don't know, hundreds and hundreds of cases or hundreds of cases. And he got word back that they were exploding.

And what happened was, if they were not refrigerated and only they had to stay cold. And that's it. Once they were cold, they had to stay cold. And if they. If you didn't, if you took them out of the refrigerator, they exploded, bro.

And I don't mean, like, they leaked. They exploded, which is actually full circle. It's the funniest thing I've ever heard of in my life. Because it's like, he didn't intend for that. But people started reaching out, being like, yeah, it's exploding all over my house, my fridge, everything.

Cause you could also leave it out, too, and put in the fridge and explode in the fridge. But these things were popping like grenades. My cats wet, my kids. Yeah, dude. So they were expanding, and so that you see the metal in the bottle just, like, start to expand until the things pop, like grenades.

And it happened to everybody, and he had to give all the money, you know, back or whatever. I think it was a charity involved, too. And I got a case of my own as just, like, here. And I didn't know, and I put them in the fridge right away. And then.

So then I had, like, two cases. I had 48 of those in my fridge. And when I realized that they were going to start exploding, I was like, I can't. I need room in the fridge. It's my main fridge.

Theo Von
Yeah. And so my lady's like, we got to get these out of here. And I was like, but I don't know how to get them out because they're going to start exploding. Yeah. And so we took out.

Sal Vulcano
I left two in there. Now, right now there's only one in my fridge, and it's. It's. It's expanded because. But I put it back in time.

So it's like, the top is, like. It's almost like a point, and it's ready to explode if it loses, like, five degrees. But it's in the. It's in, like, the crispr. Oh, yeah.

But we took. Yeah, it's a safe drawer. Yeah. It's supposed to keep, you know, so. But we took every one of them out, and I put them in the sink in my.

I put him in the sink in my kitchen, and I just put a blanket over it. Dude, it was like. It was like Sarajevo in that, dude, after, like, 30, it's, like, 2030 minutes, it was like pop, pop. And, dude, it was. I mean, and then part of it.

Theo Von
Didn'T call it a comeback. It was exploding. It was hot, pink, sticky beer all over my kitchen. I mean, and it was scary, actually. It was scary, but I would try to, like, pop them open to preempt the blast, and so I would go.

Sal Vulcano
And I would like. But then you'd pop them open, and they would just still explode. Yeah. I gotta send you a picture of the one in my fridge. It's like.

It's just two degrees away. I know it's gonna happen, but, like, I just. I'm keeping it for, like, the. Like, the. What do you call it?

Theo Von
Just like, a gender reveal? No, like. Like, just a keepsake. That's what it should be. Really funny.

You know what it sounds like these would have been great for. Is Jin gay gender? Like, gender reveals if your cousin was gay or your brother's gay. Like, hey, mom and dad, we got an announcement to make. Like, out and out, like a.

Sal Vulcano
Yeah, yeah. Like a coming and out coming out, or. Yeah, like a coming out reveal, which. I guess is a sexual reveal. Yeah.

Theo Von
Or preferences reveal or something. Yeah, yeah. You'd be like, mom and dad, we got a. We gotta. We want you to know something.

You just set one in front of them, and everybody's waiting a couple of minutes, and it's just fucking. It's like a trojan horse, really. I know Danny's gay, and they're like, no shit. We fucking. We know he was gay.

And now you fucking ruin your mom's new wallpaper. That's the problem, dude. But it's just so funny to think that they were exploding all across american people's homes unintentionally. Oh, yeah. But beautiful.

There's something so special about that type of thing sitting in your chair at home, right? You're relaxing your queue, right? You've made a lot of beer. You got prince Herb brew. It's just hit the.

You know, it's on the ships heading out to different homes. And then, you know, it's starting to blow up, and you're like, all right, things are going poorly. But you hear, like. Like, the email.

Lucky nobody got malpractice. For real, though. For real. Lucky nobody got hurt. Oh, fuck.

Sal Vulcano
Because I'm telling you, dude, I'm telling you, the sound was, like, where you would go, yo, just. I was one can. I had four. I had 48 cans. Yeah.

Thank you, baby. Angel. That is so heavy. Yeah, it is heavy. When that kind of stuff is going on, when there's a dangerous product that hits the scene, I think is very scary.

Theo Von
Kid rock. I know. Made a beer. Yeah. And the first batch of it was good.

It was like, badass beer or something. It was called. Yeah. And the second batch, it was called not Bud light.

It was called straight beer.

Even though the craziest part is he drinks Bud light every day. You get over things, you know? It's like a bad breakup. Yeah. It really is.

Sal Vulcano
Time will heal his bud light wounds. That's a good point. It did quickly, but badass, that was his beer. Badass beer. American lager.

Theo Von
And the second batch of it, like, they just made it bad. Like, whoever made it, it was a bad beer. Like, they messed up the recipe or something. Oh, so it didn't taste good? Tasted horrible, tasted badass, tasted just ass.

Sal Vulcano
They had to just get, like, a sharpie and, like, blackout bad, and they could sell it for what it. Then it wouldn't be, like, false advertising. People are like, what are you drinking?

Theo Von
Yeah, somebody disgusting. Somebody put ass in a cat. Exactly.

Sal Vulcano
Which is so ironic, because he didn't want to do bud light. But then people are like, yo, I'm eating ass.

I messed with ass. Yeah. You're like, hold on. You put that ass in my mouth. Of horrible ass, but you can't support port a beverage of some guy who maybe prefers a little ass every day?

Theo Von
Like, what kind of world are we living? But the simple fact that he had his second run of the beer, he was all fired up, and then it just was. The recipe was bad. Like, I'm sorry to hear that, because he's a guy who needs a break. Oh, yeah.

Sal Vulcano
You ever go to his, like, compound or. Oh, yeah, I know. It's nutty, right? I know you kind of know him probably, right? Yeah, it's crazy.

Theo Von
Yeah, it's pretty interesting. He. Where was I? With him. I went to one of his shows.

He played in my sister's town a couple of weeks ago in Louisiana. Okay. And so I got to fly over with him. He has his own plane, so I got to go on, like, a private plane. And then we flew over there and flew back late at night.

Sal Vulcano
He a nice dude? Cool dude. He's a really sweet guy. It's not constant badass, right? Oh, no.

Theo Von
Well, he's also. He's also just. Is he normal? Uh, he's a unique individual. He's a really unique individual.

Sal Vulcano
But is everything badass? Like, if he eats a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, is it, like, in a badass way? Like, what is he like? How. When does that go away?

Like, you ever with him and he. Did you ever see him weep? Oh, never weep, I don't think. Yeah, maybe. No, he, like, he loves.

Theo Von
Like, kid rock is an interesting dude, man. He's like. He's the kind of guy, if you'll go, you go do something with him. He'll send you a card or a nice picture of something y'all did together. Oh, that's so sweet.

You're like that, right? You're like that sometimes. Maybe I am. You are like that. You are like that.

Sal Vulcano
I remember when you. When you. When you did the cruise. Actually, you sent me a gift after. Oh, I did.

It was the sweetest thing. No one's ever done that. Thanks, dude. It was so nice. Sometimes I think I got so busy that I just didn't even know who I am sometimes.

Theo Von
But, um. But then Bob also would be the. But then Kid rock also be the kind of guy where if you're in a car, like, one night we're in a car. We were leaving. Are you calling Bob?

Yeah. I thought I asked you, like, what. Yeah, Bob. Yeah, I know that. But I know you call him.

Oh, yeah. So I call him Bob, right, or something. It just depends. Kind of. But you have a column, kid.

I call him Rock and retard half the time. Okay. Okay. And we can beat that up. But people know what it is.

But, oh, he'll. He's the only guy I've ever been within a car, and everybody's chatting and having any good. That's wild, bro. The only guy who ever knew in the car. Kid rock.

Yeah. Just as a craziest. Uber. It's like Uber black and then Uber fucking dirt lord. He comes and gets you.

But he was in the car one time. He's like, hey, can we turn down the radio so we can talk about me? That's what he said.

So he has this other element of like. Like a Kanye west thing. Yeah, kind of like. Yeah, just a cocky thing. Right.

So. And he'll be like, both of those things, but he's tongue in cheek about it. Cocky. But he's. You can't tell a little bit.

Sometimes you can't tell a little bit. Interesting. But a nice guy. Like, if I call, I think if I needed something he would be willing to help out, you know, like what. Level of needing something.

Like, if I needed, like, to borrow 20 grand or something. Really? Oh, that's. That's. That's pretty good.

Yeah. But he's also the kind of guy, like, if I called him I needed something, he would ain't. You know, I think he. He's helpful. He likes to offer, like, he help you think about stuff.

He's been through a lot, you know? Yeah. Have you gotten to see his, like, white House replica? Has he shown you that? Have you been over there?

White House? No. It's like the capital of the South. I think I was, for some reason or another, maybe there was an event going on in his compound or something, and there was an opportunity for me to go. I've never met the guy, but I didn't end up going.

Sal Vulcano
But I thought Tyler Perry had the White House replica. Oh, maybe he does. Oh, yeah. What does Bob have? That's what Bob has.

Theo Von
Go down one picture. Wait, is that a replica? Like, that you can walk into or. Replica, like a snow globe? Replica.

That's a replica. You can walk into the picture to the right is his home. Wait, the White house is his home? Yeah. Wait, he lives in a.

Sal Vulcano
He lives in a replica of the white house? If that's the white house, I can't. I don't know what the White house looks like, but that looks like that, I think. Oh, then that's that. But wait, but Tyler Perry has a.

I think he has a. Whatever is. He has, like, a compound that's like. Oh, yeah. A state in it.

Theo Von
Like a huge. Huge state wide. Like, it's a. It's like, 308. Whatever it is.

Sal Vulcano
And he built a, I think, a three fourth identical scale of the White House. Every room, like, whatever. So that they. He. Then he lets movie productions film there as the White House.

Theo Von
Wow. Did you not hear about that? I didn't know that. Is that not a wild endeavor, to have somebody rebuild the White House at three fourth scale to that meticulously? Well, it's like, people are like, hey, does media like what really runs America?

And if you don't think it's media, the fact that somebody rebuild a White House somewhere else. Right. And is using it to shoot. It's wild. It's media, and it's dunkin'yeah.

Oh, yeah. It's definitely dunkin dude. Hey, fellas, I'm gonna need you to blink if you haven't purchased a father's day gift yet. Yep, we thought so. Today's episode is brought to you by manscaped.

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Just go to ziprecruiter.com, theo, to try it for for free again, that's ziprecruiter.com. theo. Ziprecruiter, the smartest way to hire. So a sweet thing that my girl always talks about is one time we hung out in the city or whatever. And then, like, a couple weeks later, whatever, like, you left me a message that I played for her, that she didn't forget, and this is a long time ago, but you were like, hey.

Sal Vulcano
Hey, you guys. I just wanted to give you a call, see how you're doing. Like, I just. You were in my heart today is what you said. I'll never forget that line.

You said, you guys were in my heart today, and I just. I just figured I'd give you a call to see how you're doing. Oh, nice. I played that for her. She.

She's. She already loved you, but she was like, she never forgot that. It was just such a. Such a gentle, sweet thing to. To call to see how we're doing, just in a general sense, but then to say it like that, it was like, that's.

Theo Von
That's. I love you, buddy. You have such a big heart. Yeah. Thanks, dude.

Yeah. I think I just have a tough time remembering sometimes that I'm a decent guy. Is that true? Yeah. Why?

I think I just have a tough time. I don't know why. I think I have a forgetter. I just have this, like, I have this forgetter inside of me. You can stray from, like, what you know yourself to be like.

Sal Vulcano
You just kind of have ebbs and flows about how you feel about yourself. No, just like a Remi. It's like I almost feel like. Like I'll forget that people know that I care about them. Right.

Theo Von
I feel like it's this constant thing you have to remind people about, or they don't know it. It's like, I didn't understand that if you care about somebody, then they will just know that you care about them, and that sometimes it's okay to, like, kind of show it or express it, but it doesn't have to be something that you have to, like, remind people of all the time. Yeah. And I don't know what that was. I think it's gotten a little bit better as I've gotten older, but I think.

Yeah. I think for a while, I just didn't know, like, I would. You felt the need to be expressive, like, you actually, it would be on your mind to make sure. You would have to express it. Right.

Sal Vulcano
Because then you thought that they wouldn't know people would, like, wouldn't feel it from you. Yeah. Yeah. Like, as if your feelings weren't real to people. All right.

Theo Von
Or something. Like, if I seem like I had a nice time, I don't know if they knew it or not. Okay. And so I need to make sure that they knew that I had a nice time or if I was thinking about somebody, I needed to, I guess, let them know, maybe, or like that if a time meant something to me. I don't know.

And some of that's kind of normal. But I think I had this. I don't know. I can't explain it exactly. You know, I am that way, but I'm that way.

Sal Vulcano
Like, not because I need people to know, but because I just not need or want them. Well, I want them to know, you know, like. But not that they. Not because I think that they don't know if I don't tell them. But that's the way I grew up, my family and just how I am.

Like, I. I'd never want to miss a chance to tell someone, you know, anything that I. That I'm thinking about them, that I admire them, that I love them, that, like, you know, any. Any little thing. I.

I'm just. I don't hold anything back like that. Wow. It's the best. Yeah.

You're good about that. It helps me, too, because I. Like, I. It makes me feel good to tell somebody that I love them or that I care for them or I'm thinking of them or. Or I admire them or they're, you know, any.

Anything nice, you know, like, I. When I greet people and when I say goodbye, it's like. Or anything. Like, I just. I don't know.

It's. That's just the way I am. I don't think. I don't think. I just could be another way, really?

You know? Yeah, you couldn't be. You are trapped being a nice guy. But that's what I'm saying. Like, I feel that from you.

Theo Von
Yeah. I think I just get, like. I just, like I'm self tormented a lot of times, but, um. But, yeah, no, you always seem like the. Yeah, you seem like.

Just like a little campfire that's allowed to be inside of people's homes, you know? That's. That's a. Did you. Is that the first time you ever said that?

Yeah. Yeah. Really? You just conjured that. That metaphor up that.

Well, I'm thinking. I know you're good with words, man. I know that you are the person that you. You're the person I know the most. Most that will say a phrase that I've never heard before.

Sal Vulcano
I mean, off the top of your head, man, you. I mean, you're one of my genius friends. Did you. You have a way with words, but that's. That's such a good.

That. That's like, that's a. That's merch. You're a campfire that's allowed indoors. Yeah, well, no, that, now you switch it, you're not.

Your campfire that's allowed indoors seems like a rule, I think it's like you're a campfire in people's homes was the sentiment. Yeah. It's two different things. You know. We'll have to go back and see exactly what we said, but you're a warm.

Theo Von
You're a warm soul, man. Yeah, you are. That's. That's a great. That's what you are.

Sal Vulcano
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I appreciate that. When I was a kid, I didn't. I remember, like, my kid, I used to write postcards all the time to my kids that weren't born yet, like. Cause I wanted them to know that I was thinking about them.

Theo Von
Like, if that's kind of crazy. That's unreal, man. Yeah. I think when I was a kid, I didn't know if my parents were thinking about me or whatever, and so I always grew up with this, like, uncertainty about it, I think. And so I don't even remember this.

My roommate from when I was, like, 20 was like, dad, dude, you got these postcards. Used to send them to yourself. Really? Send them to your kids. You put, like, unborn kids or something on it?

Sal Vulcano
You put postage? Yeah. Oh, I'd put them in the mail. They'd be from, like, other places I was doing comedy at or something. Really?

Theo Von
And he goes. And you would just say, like, hey, kids, I haven't. I didn't meet your mother in this city or whatever. Like, just saying, what's up? I've wrote a.

Sal Vulcano
I've written. I did that one time for, you know, I did that once and wrote. Something to your future children. Yes, I did one time, but, like, yeah, I did that. That's.

That. Did you really do that? Yeah, I swear to God. That's. That's awesome, man.

That's awesome. It was crazy also, like. Cause I remember my roommate would be like, do you have them? I think I probably had. Cause aren't you gonna.

Theo Von
He sent me, like, nine or ten of them. Cause then when you have a kid. I'll give them to him. Yeah, but it was. It was like you was, like, jokey.

Sal Vulcano
Like, I don't know if I'm gonna meet your mother here. Or was it like, hey, one day when I am a dad or when I am here, I hope to do like. It was. It, was it like, what was the angle. I think sometimes I put in a little joke, you know?

Theo Von
But it was like, hey, unborn kid, unborn children. But it was for. You were being silly. No, I was being serious. Okay.

Sal Vulcano
Okay. Yeah. I didn't realize at that time, like, now I'm a. I have a better understanding of, like, how the exchange of emotions, I guess, a little bit more then. Yeah.

Theo Von
At the time, I just didn't know. I think. I think it went from when I was a kid. I didn't know if my parents were thinking of me or whatever. And so I was like, I want to make sure my kids know I'm thinking of them.

Sal Vulcano
That's heavy. But then I'd be like, yeah, sometimes it would be fun. I'd put something funny on there, like, I didn't meet your mother, or I hope I didn't meet your mother in this town. Yeah, you gotta throw a little. It's got heart and humor.

Theo Von
Oh, yeah, yeah. We put some funny stuff in there. You just reminded me of this when I was younger, like, one of my first girlfriends that I, like, was serious with as a kid. Like my first love kind of thing. That kind of thing.

Oh, yeah. It ended. So I thought, like, I was gonna marry her. Like, it was like, you know, we dated for years as kids, you know, like, 1516 to, like, 2021 something. No way.

Sal Vulcano
Yeah. And so I really thought I was gonna marry her. Like, our families were close, and I. We said we were gonna, and I wanted to and stuff. It didn't end well, but.

But so I did this thing. I wrote her a letter. When I. The first time I knew that I was, like, in love with her, you know, it was, like, not that far into our relationship, let's say a year, not maybe a year. And we ended up dating, like, five, six years.

And I wrote her a letter to propose to her, to tell her I wanted to marry her and, like, how I felt about her and to be like, I feel this way now, and I know one day this is gonna happen, but I just wanna let you know that I've been feeling it from right now. And then I mailed it to myself, and I. It was postmarked and it was sealed. Wow. And so I was like, when I proposed to her one day, oh, I'm.

Theo Von
Gonna show her that. I'm gonna give her the letter and let her open it. And it's kind of the postmark date on it from all the way back then. Oh, that's romantic. I don't know why or how I thought of that, but I did, and I did it.

Sal Vulcano
And I didn't propose. I did the letter and everything. Like, you know, five years later, we broke up or whatever. And, you know, I would call it. It was on her.

Let's just, you know, whatever. I was probably on. No, I was on her. Like, it was, you know, whatever, whatever, right? We broke.

God bless, you know, but I. You know, we kids. But. But I. I remember, too, because it was like, oh, my God, dude.

It was the worst timing. It was like a little bit after, like, Christmas, I think, or her birthday, and I had gotten. Now, dude, this is. This is. Oh, God, what time.

This was the nineties. It was like the. Would you get a jet ski or something?

That would be great. A jet ski. I was like, no, it's like 20. No, it's like. It was like the 90.

It must have been like 96, 97, maybe. Something like that, right? Oh, yeah. Rent. Rent was the huge Broadway musical.

It was like the. It was, you know, rent. Remember rent? And you were dating a woman. No, not even the Broadway musical was.

Theo Von
Oh, you're from New York. I forget. Yeah, I've been going to plays and music. No, but that's. That's a thing, like.

Sal Vulcano
Right? Oh, yeah, yeah, rent. Yes. They have everything from, like, the Lion King. You forgot the golden ticket.

That's exactly the right one. And, you know, like, now, like how. It's like, who? It's the hot ticket of the president. Oh, Hamilton.

Yeah, yeah, it was like that. Yeah, right then. And I spent $300 and she wanted to see this thing. And I spent three back then. Do you know, I was 1920.

Whatever. $300. If you adjust for inflation now, it's like. It's one 10th of your salary. It was like 20, $30,000.

Oh, yeah, maybe more. And I got these things and I surprised her with them. And it was that night and I called her on the phone and I said to her, I got these tickets, the rent tickets, you know, whatever. Like, I got these, like, it's something she wanted to see for so long. It felt like it was, like, unattainable because it was so expensive.

Theo Von
Oh, yeah. Wow. And I got. I remember it. I was like.

Sal Vulcano
I told her I was gonna surprise her with something and so I got ready. I, like, had it on a button down shirt. Like, I got, like, all nice because I was gonna pick her up and drive there. Go see rent. And so I got already.

And I called her and I told I was gonna pick. And I told her. I was like, you know, we're gonna. I got that gets to see rent. And this wasn't the only time this happened because it was, like, rocky toward the end.

Like, broke up, got back broke up. But. But she broke up with me on the phone. The debt, like, a few hours before rent. And I was like.

I was. I mean, I was devastated, dude. Right? This is worse than the gout, dude. And this was, like, the gout in my body.

Their whole body, like a gout. Gout heart. I had gout heart merch. That's a subsection of the gout merch. There's gonna be a gout tab.

Theo Von
I have gout in your heart. You are dead, dude. My heart needed crutches. Right. And I'm bawling, crying.

Sal Vulcano
I'm bawling, crying. And which borough are you in? I was in Staten island. Oh, thank God. And then.

So rent is now at 08:00 it's like, it's, like, 330. And I was like, I spent my life savings on these tickets. Yeah. So, dude, I got in my old beat up car all dressed up, and I drove to the theater crying. I paid to park, and I was like.

Theo Von
I was laughing about something else. No, no, no, please. You know, I know you would never laugh at this, dude. I. But, you know, when you.

Sal Vulcano
When you cry so hard that you look like you got punched in the face, dude. Like. Like, out. Like, my eyes were like. Like, I look like the photo of me that became a meme.

Like, I wasn't that heavy, but my face just blew up. Like I was. When you cry so hard that it looks like you got straight up punched in the eyes, that's how I got out of the car, and. And my goal was not to see rent. I couldn't do it.

I've never seen it. I was too, I'll tell you. And I never saw sleepless in Seattle because she ended up going on a date with a guy who took her to see sleepless in Seattle, and it broke my heart. And so I never saw it to this day. I mean, a nora Ephron classic tom hacks.

You would think I would see it. I still. To this day now. I would see it now. Does it bother me?

But I just. I kind of, like, think it's fun that I haven't. Yes. But I was like, how do I. So then I was like, I gotta scalp these.

Cause, like, I couldn't eat the tickets. And I wasn't gonna go with sitting there next to a blanket, next to an empty seat and cry through rent. So I'm standing outside. I'm like 19 years old. My face is puffed out.

I still have. I'm crying there. I'm crying, trying to scalp. I had two rent tickets in my hand. I was in a black button down shirt.

I was crying, and people were going into rent, and I was like, excuse me. And let me tell you something. Those scalpers, I give them respect because people don't even want to. They don't give you the time of day. Wow.

You know, I was a young kid. I was dressed, respectively. I'm right in front. I got two tickets in hand. I'm not gonna kill you.

I'm not gonna run. They. It was like crypt tonight. Is that something sick person. Yeah.

Theo Von
Yeah. If they were all superman. Yeah. And I'm crying and. Which also, probably in hindsight, looked really weird.

Sal Vulcano
Like, here's a young boy crying. Yeah. You know? Right. And just saying, I'll give them to you for 280 instead of 300.

Like, I don't even know if that was a deal or not, dude. It was so sad. And then what I ended up doing was after it was like, everyone rejected me. It was like, almost start gonna begin. And I was like, now I'm like, I didn't know what to do if I lost that kind of money, you know?

Like, I was like, it would've been so sad. So I went to the box office, and I pleaded with them, and I just said, my girl. I said everything. I was talking to the box office lady. She was, like, 80.

I was, like, telling her my life story. I'm like, she broke up over the phone. I was like, I mean, I'm keeping this a secret, you know? And she goes, all right, here's what I'll do. I'm not supposed to do this.

She's like, but the next people that walk up to buy tickets because it was sold out, she's like, I'll refer them to you, whatever. And these two women walked up, and she referred them to me. And I don't know. I don't remember exactly what I got for them. It wasn't full price, but I was able to unload those.

Theo Von
And did you feel any better after you sold them? No, no, not at all. I didn't see rent. I took a hit on the money, and. And she was still gone.

And where'd you park? Let me tell you something. I parked, you know, in that area. There's a lot of parking garages nearby, so I wasn't too far. But they get you.

Sal Vulcano
They get you. So saying you go to a Broadway show, you're it's like, maybe a 4 hours total. It's like $80 now. That's rent. That's rent.

Theo Von
Yeah. They charge you? Yeah, they do. It's insane. So anyway, so after she broke up with me, I told her about the letter.

Sal Vulcano
About the letter? Oh, yeah. I would do that kind of stuff, just show how romantic I am. It wasn't spiteful or anything? No, no.

Theo Von
Just like, I was like. But you don't understand. From five years ago, I thought, you know, like, I can't believe this. And I guess she was. She was.

Sal Vulcano
I guess she. I don't remember her exact reaction. I think she was moved by it. She must have been moved by it. I have to really think on it because I know I told her, but I just gotta.

I can't call up the moment. It's been so long since I spoke about. Yeah, but check this out. About.

I call it three, two, three years later. I was in the workforce now. I was out of college. So is she. I meant.

And I used to work at prudential securities, and I was at a desk at a college, and I got an email from her, and she said, can you give me a call or whatever at her office? So I called her, and she goes, hey, listen, I just want you to know there was this site called, I think it was called Daily candy. I guess it was like a daily blog or whatever. I don't know what it was about. She said, and they were doing a contest where submit the most.

If you're married, submit your engagement story. And the most romantic would win. And she goes, and so I submitted. What you did send your letter. She didn't send my letter in, but she told the whole story, but as if we got married because you had to be the married person.

So, you know, so she said. I said that I have married, and this is what my. You know what my. How my husband proposed, and she won the contest, and they gave her a $5,000 shopping spree, and she called me up and said, do you want to split it? Do you want to do some of the shopping spree with me?

And I was like, no, I don't want to. I don't want to do it. Half the shopping spree, I was like, like, I don't think I was. I wasn't, like. I was still, like, mad, but I was still hurt, you know?

And I was like, you know what it was? I was more like, that's fucked up, actually. Yeah, like, you didn't experience this, right? You. We didn't experience it.

Like, I was. I thought we were gonna. We didn't. We didn't. And now you're profiting off of it.

It's a lie, dude. I was like, you just lie. Like, if you. I mean, how, like, wouldn't you not want to do that? Because, like, you.

You broke up with me, so why use that story? And she won. Wouldn't you know, cuz of your work? Yeah. And I was like, no, you take it.

You know, and. But in my head, I was like, I think it's kind of messed up that you submitted that, at least from, you know, for me to hear. It hurts a little bit. Oh, but that's a letter I wrote to the future, you know. You know, I know.

Theo Von
You're romantic. You're romantic, Sal. I was a very. Salvatore, how can you not be romantic with that name? Salvatore?

God, it's romantic. Is y'all's family full italian? Half. Yeah. Yeah.

Sal Vulcano
My dad is italian. My mom is puerto rican and Cuban. Oh, wow. Yeah. I don't know if you want to add this in there, but it looks like you spent about the equivalent of $720 in 2024.

Theo Von
Maybe just pull that chart up.

Let's adjust the value of. Of the rent tickets and your love. 1990. When it was at 90. It was 90.

Sal Vulcano
I want. I'm gonna call 96. Okay, $300. And then now $600. Yep.

And then how much was $5,000? I guess double, right? Be 10,000. Yeah, right. The shopping spree.

She won. I mean, that's basically gonna keep the same, right? Yeah. Even if it was two or three years later. Yeah, pretty close.

So we're double. We're basically 28 years later. We are double. Wow. We doubled up.

Theo Von
I remember, like, I broke up with my girlfriend, and then I tried to learn, like, she was, like, learning French or something. So I try to learn French in, like, three weeks or whatever. And, like, how'd you do that? Rosetta stone? Or, like, I got a book or something.

It was like, earl's French or something. And so I start learning, and my parents like, what are you doing? Like, you just learn in individual words. That's not teaching you syntax or anything, is it? It's not teaching you, like, grammatically grammar?

Look, homie, I was crying in my backyard smoking newports, okay? It's just like, we. We, like, just like, I couldn't think of another french word, but, like. Like baguette. You end up going to her and be like, I learned French like Napoleon.

But definitely, I like, bon soir. Like, how old were you? 24. I love that. I love the idea.

Sal Vulcano
Like, this will get her back. Oh, that's what I thought. Just dropped some pepe le pew on that ass. I made up, like, this story about us going, like, sailing or something. I made this, like, little sailboat.

Theo Von
Like, dude, it was. How old are you? Ten.

Sal Vulcano
A story about you guys sailing. Who knows? Dude, I don't remember what happened. Dude, there was a lot of different things going on in the area at the time. I do remember.

Theo Von
Oh, this is so gay. Gay. I don't want to say it, but actually, gay dudes don't even do that kind of shit. This is like kind of shakespearean sadness. But then I remember, dude, I hit tight.

So I went to a sailing thing in Biloxi, Mississippi, right? And my ex girlfriend had moved up to Charleston, South Carolina. And when I'm there, there's some guys that are there who were from the sailing team of College of Charleston. So I told my friend who I went there with, I was like, I. These guys said they'll give me a ride to Charleston.

I'm gonna roll with them, right? And she's like, what? And I was like, yeah. She's like, we're in Biloxi. She's like, it's like a ten hour drive.

I was like, I know, but I gotta wait. So you hitched a ride to Biloxi? I hitched a ride. Charleston sailors. I hit stride to Charleston from Biloxi.

Sal Vulcano
Oh, okay. So I'm so in. So in Biloxi, I meet some people that are sailing from Charleston. I hitch a ride back to Charleston with these guys that I met. You're like the mom at home alone, like, driving with John Candy in the polka dot.

You're like, I gotta get there. I gotta see my son, bro. I end up. We pull up there like 01:00 a.m. probably into Charleston.

Theo Von
I end up. I knew her, my ex girlfriend. This is, I think, a crime, but I knew where she lived. I go to her place. I'm on the porch of her home, petting somebody's cat out there.

And thank God a floodlight came on and kind of like, knocked me into my senses. I wasn't gonna go inside or anything. I was just, like, seeing where she lived, which sounds. Oh, she doesn't know you were there. Yeah, I don't know.

Sal Vulcano
Oh, you didn't, you didn't announce yourself? It was one a. But wait, but wait, then you did. You made a U turn. You saw.

Theo Von
The next day, I went back to, to those guys place and crashed on their couch for a couple days, and then she and I finally met up, like, a week later. She did not want to see me. Okay, but your intention was to see her, and you saw her. I saw her a week later. So you post.

At the time, I was just scope, I guess. I was just. You posted up in Charleston for, like. I ended up staying there for, like, six months, so then we kind of fell out of each other, and then I had. Yeah, then you just left in Charleston.

Yeah. Had a great time. Loved it there. Did you really? Yeah, I think I stayed there for a year.

Sal Vulcano
Are you like a nomad? You roam from place to place in search of food and water? I could have at the time. And then once podcasting started, I had to be in a place that had to be more substantial. But this.

But, you know, my math is off once podcasts. Oh, but you pre podcast, you felt like you could be wherever you could, wherever you set your bags down. Yeah, I was a little. Never do that. Really?

No, I'm the opposite, man. I wish I could. I wish I could. I go on vacation. Yeah, that's about it.

I can't, I can't, I can't. I don't know, man. I'm so rooted, and it's something I'm working on in therapy. I have attachments. I have, you know, I I don't know.

I don't, like, like, change, and I have attachments and stuff, and I just can't pick up and leave like that. I can't relocate. I feel, like, anchored to where I'm from. I don't know if it's a good thing, you know? I don't know if it's a bad thing, though.

Yeah. You know, to know. Yeah. It's like. Cause you have so much joy and love, there's something you can go to another place and.

Theo Von
I don't know. And also, at the time, I was younger, it was easier to do that kind of stuff. Yeah. Yeah, that's true, for sure. Do you remember your first girlfriend?

Sal Vulcano
Like a kid, like, I guess not a kid. Oh, yeah. But, yeah, my first real girlfriend wasn't that till that, till 15. But I remember, like, being a little kid. I remember I used to live in this, like, these garden apartments, right?

And so, like, I mean, from, like, from, like, grammar school, that kind of age, like, so I was little, like, from, like, zero to, you know, whatever, like, ten. And it was in its own complex, so all the kids from all the buildings, we all grew up together, and we were there young enough so that we were allowed to be because all the buildings, like, were surrounded like a courtyard, parking lot, pool, like in the middle. And so, like, our parents were like, you can hang out anywhere. In, in the, in the property. Yeah, out of the property.

Which was kind of cool because we had more autonomy than we should have. At that age because you were kind of caged in. Right. But. But then, you know.

Yeah, so it's kind of cool, but, yeah, but we all grew up together there. And I must have been, I'll call it like, like fifth grade, maybe. Yeah. And it was summer. Yeah.

We had a pool, a pool area there for the residents. Right. And I remember, like, it was just one of those summers where we were talking about before how, like, when you were a kid, time went so slow, which I want to touch on that because I have a theory about that. Because if you didn't, if you took away your phone and your Internet and your car, you know what I'm saying, and you didn't have a job, and then you just had to find time in the day, like, you basically reduce yourself to the options you had then. I think that we could slow time in a way.

You know what I mean? Time is, it only gets faster and faster. It's burning for me right now, but, like, you know, get up at eight, go outside, come back in at six. Yeah. You know, and then see how long the days feel.

And I've been having such a hard time with how fast I think life is going right now, especially cause I hit an age where, like, I'm, for the first time I see my, I look older. It's the first time it registered with me. You don't, you feel it until you feel it, and then it's too late. Yeah. And my parents, you know, I see them, you know, and so, like, for me right now, I'm going through that really, like, I'm having that, like, existential thing going on.

And so I've been given this thought and I was like, why did time feel so slow back then? You know, and I, you know, I thought I was. I, like, not daydreaming, but I'm like, I'm literally, like, I want to just do a thing where I, like, just stop working, you know, and then just, like, don't use the Internet. And I just want to, like, get up and go out and just spend my days like I was, if I was a kid, like, try that for like a month and just see if it feels like everything just slows down. And what that does to my psyche and my day to day, and, you know, I really want to, like.

But anyway, that's. I mean, I really do feel like it was like, I remember just being like, you came back at 06:00 it felt like you went on a pilgrimage, and that was daily, you know what I mean? And you really are much more in touch with yourself, you know? And you're really spending this quality time with these kids all day long, and it's just like. I don't know, man.

It just was like, oh, things had. More value then, for sure, because you did them. You experienced them. Now we consume so many experiences and just have less of them, I think. And to the point that everything's on to the next.

I mean, it's just buzz, buzz, the next thing, next thing, appointment this, that, you know? And it's just nonstop, you know? Oh, the times where you would sit. I remember just laying in my bed, just, like, thinking about a girl or something that didn't even exist. Thinking, yes.

Theo Von
Yeah. Just laying there thinking, yeah, no. Who's thinking? Name 30 people that are thinking right. Right now.

Sal Vulcano
It's probably not. Oh, nobody. I don't think anyone is really. Everybody is reacting. You're sitting down thinking, yeah, I daydream about just getting.

I just want to move to the country. Like, not even, like, a remote part. I want a porch, and I want to sit on the porch all day long and think, that's what I want to do. I really. I swear to God, dude, I've come this close to almost doing that.

Just leaving this life. That's count. Like, this career life, you know? Or just, like. Dude.

Or just at least going, like, six months on, six months off. Yeah. Like, I really think you could. I don't know, but I. I'm romanticizing it right now.

Theo Von
Yeah. You know, I grew up in this city, and, like, I have six jobs, you know, like, you. You know, I. We. It's a hustle.

Sal Vulcano
What we, you know, as you. If you hustle, you have to hustle. You know what I mean? It's just, like. I don't know.

Like, I'm just so tired of, like, even when I do allow myself, like, all right, the afternoon, like, the morning, I'm not gonna look at my phone. Or, like, if I. Let's say I go away on vacation, you know, if I do and it's like, three or four days, I'm like, I want to stay off the grid. I have this anxiety of all the things that people are waiting on, answers for that are piling up. That's what might be important.

Or, like, God forbid someone needs my help or, like, you know, whatever. And that when I get back, I think about the hole I'm gonna have to dig out that because it's piling up. And I can't even enjoy the off the grit days because I'm like, I'm gonna get slaughtered if I don't at least mitigate it a little while. I'm on vacation. When I come back, I can't dig out of it.

Dude, I don't know how you are, but right now, look how many text messages I have unanswered right there. Oh, my gosh. That's insane. Look at the missed calls. Oh, my God.

I can't live like this. Who are you, dude? I don't know. You got that too, right? You can't possibly changed my number, dude.

I know, because I was like, oh, shit. The only coming back to me the. Other day, some kid the other day sends a thing, I guess he got my phone number, right? Okay, so he's like some guy from Berlin or somewhere, some other country, maybe Africa. He gets my number.

Theo Von
He's like, I got a burner phone for three weeks. It must be Theo Vaughn's phone number. He's like, so far, I've talked to MGK and Jordan Peterson because people were texting, texting him. He just thought it was still me. No shit, dude.

I just forgot to. I literally told probably 15 people closest in my life, and then I was like, I'm gonna shut my life down. I just couldn't handle anything anymore. I so understand, dude. Cuz, you know.

Sal Vulcano
You know, I will tell you, though, cuz that. Cuz when I went to text you last, I, like, you know, whenever it was like a few. A couple months ago, whatever, what it was there was the last time I texted you, you. And I guess in the interim read. And I was looked at it and it was a voice note, and I was like, oh.

And I just. I played. It was a while back, but I played it and it was like this voice note I left you. That was like, kind of like. It was like, like, not sentimental, but it was like.

Theo Von
Nice message. Yeah, it was like. It was like a message. Like kind of like the one you left me. Yeah, like, I'm thinking about you.

Sal Vulcano
I just, you know, I hope you're doing well, man. Like, I'm always like, you know, I know you're always on the to go. Like, I just. It was like, you know, whole. And I listened to it.

I started cracking up because I was like, I forgot. I was like, he didn't even answer that. I was like, no, but I'm like, but not because you didn't answer because I was like, look, I haven't answered 200. You know, I mean, but I was like, oh, shit, dude. That's, like, so funny.

I gotta tell him. And then you. When you change your number, I was like, oh, he never even. He never probably even got it. Never got it.

Yeah, but that's all right. Yeah, that's the worst part. The world knows I left, like, the. I left it. I left that message.

Theo Von
Thanks, man. So, you know. You know. Yeah. Some kid in Berlin is probably decoding it right now.

Sal Vulcano
But. So. Oh, no. So I lived in this compound, right? So that summer, everybody was like.

Everybody had, like, crushes and was getting girlfriends. Like, all my friends fresher suddenly. Yeah. Like. And that's like, young kind of like sandlot kind of thing.

Kind of. Oh, yeah. I mean, and you'd hear, like, Samantha likes Randy. First of all, I didn't know who Samantha. I didn't know who fucking Randy was.

And when I found out, I can tell you right now, Randy didn't deserve Samantha. Why I deserve. You know what I mean? But even if I didn't even know who they were if I just heard that sentence Samantha likes Randy, I was like, oh, my God, dude. We gotta get somebody to like us left out.

Yeah, dude. I felt so left out. And so I was. I got to the point where I went up to the. Went up in.

It was midday. The pools open all day. It's midday. And I just felt like I was trying. I was like, midday.

Midday. I went up and I was, like, sad. And my mom was like, what's the matter? I'm sure what grade I was in. Yeah, it was probably about fourth or 5th.

Fifth. And I actually was like, everybody's got girlfriends. Like, nobody likes me. I was, like, crying and stuff. And I'm like, I don't know.

And she's like, what's the matter? I'm like, no, everybody has a girlfriend. I don't have a girlfriend. Or whatever. I'll never forget what my mom did.

She's so sweet. I gotta remind her of this. I don't know if she knows this or remembers this. So I was crying, so she comforted me and she's like, you can. You can get a girlfriend too.

You just didn't meet the, you know, the right girl yet or whatever. And I'm like, yeah, but he. I was. Name her. Like, Matt has a girlfriend.

Jason. Has a girlfriend. And I'm like, they're out there, like. And nobody likes me. And she's like, you can get a girlfriend.

She's like, we're gonna get you a girlfriend. So she makes me put on, like, a. Like, a nice outfit. Right then in the middle of day in the summer, that day when I went, I remember what I put on. I put on, like, I put on these dark gray jeans.

Theo Von
Yeah. Capezio. There's a leather, black leather shoes that Michael Jackson used to wear. Capezios. I think they were called capezios.

Sal Vulcano
Bring em up, bring em up. And I got those. Cause I was obsessed with Michael Jackson, so I had capezios. These were, like, special date, like, easter shoes. Yeah.

So I put on my Easter capizios. I put on, like, dark gray, and I put on this, like, mock white, like, cream turtleneck kind of. God, this gets worse, huh? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But also better.

Yeah, yeah. So. And then I put jewelry on, you know. Oh, and so I didn't really have jewelry, and so my mom gave me, like, a gold chain of hers, and I put on my mom's gold chain, and she put. She's like, you're gonna go out.

You're gonna dress up. So I put on this outfit. I put on her gold chain. She sprays me with her perfume because I didn't have cologne. She's like, little cologne, and she's like, look, it's like cologne.

And she's like, put on whatever she had. I don't know. I guess I was wearing, like, chanel or whatever the hell. I don't even know what it was. And she gave me $5, and she's like, when the ice cream man comes, you just go up to a grill that you, like, ask if you want to buy her ice cream or whatever like that.

And my mom sent me out, and I went out with, like, women's cologne. My mom's chained $5 and capizios. And I was, like, just circling the pool area, like, looking for a girlfriend. Aw. Yeah.

Theo Von
Wow, that's so romantic. And that's how you ended up being a pimp, basically. Yeah, that's basically how I ended up being. Yeah, pimp. Yeah.

Gosh, dude, that's so romantic. I ended up buying five girls, five ice creams, and then they were in my stable after that. I whip them with the cheek. No, it's pretty sad now that I think about it. Yeah.

But it's real. What's beautiful about the mom is beautiful. That's beautiful. Yeah, it is. You're right.

Sal Vulcano
It is beautiful. But I really felt sad then. That was like, the foreshadowing of, like, the feeling I had with the rent. Yeah. Yeah.

Theo Von
I was, I don't know, my best friend got all the girls when we were like kids or whatever, so I'd always be, like, running the notes for him and that sort of guy, you know? But you got you. But you were popular with the ladies. I started getting dates probably later in high school. Yeah.

You know, I got a girlfriend pretty quick. Yeah. But then I always kind of felt, you always kind of feel a certain way, though. I was kind of too sentimental, I think, at times and shit. I don't know.

Sal Vulcano
But you don't think, like, women didn't, girls didn't, like, respond to your, you have a gentle way about you. Nope. No, they weren't into that, really. They would, like, a tougher guy. You know, it was just like, young southern kind of, you know, there wasn't a lot of, like, you know, there was like, the drama, you know, there was like, yeah, it was just, you know, it wasn't bad, but it just wasn't like, I mean, I remember when I was younger, they locked me in this room with this girl.

Theo Von
She had a chipped tooth pretty badly. Mm hmm. Yeah, she had that, that Lloyd Chris a little bit. Yeah, that's bad. That's bad.

It's a lot for a kid. I chipped my tooth on a Miller high life once, making a joke. I went to take a swig on it for comedic effect, and I hit it and I chipped my tooth. I chipped, like, I would call it less than 5%. Yeah.

Sal Vulcano
And I couldn't. That's the only thing I looked at when I looked at my face for a decade after that. So a third dude, I remember one time somebody came in the room, I think I was either jerking off or just pretending I was jerking off, right? And I went like that and shit my own tooth. What room?

Theo Von
Huh? What room in your home or a room in, like, school? What do you mean? No, no, a room in a home. My home or somebody else's home.

Sal Vulcano
Okay. And, well, that's, that's fascinating if you felt comfortable to masturbate in someone else's house. I went like that and then fucking. Were you chipped on your dick? Oh, I.

Theo Von
My bottom tooth just, I I just like, you. Your tooth? Chipped your own tooth? Yeah. I was so worn.

Sal Vulcano
Your mouth? Yeah. And then I was like, you know, it's like, you know, did you stay the course?

Theo Von
You think I'm jerking off with a chip tooth? No, that would. That would be crazy. It's just the fact that you were in someone else's house. Like, I'm some kind of homeless person.

Hell, no, dude. I only jerk myself off if I. You couldn't. You weren't good enough for yourself after you chipped it out. Like, I jerking off?

Sal Vulcano
I mean, you do it feverishly, then. Yeah. This guy with a chip, too. You're a spirited masturbator, then. I don't know.

You chipping teeth. Oh, that's it. Well, I think I was just. I was, like, so shocked that somebody had come in the room, you know? I don't remember exactly what happened.

Theo Von
I've chipped my teeth a lot over the years. Really? Yeah. Well, the microphone. You hit those a lot.

Sal Vulcano
Oh, I hate that. And that'll balance them. And people can hear that, too. And they're all like, I've done it. I haven't chipped, but I've done.

And every time I hit it, I go, oh, no. And I feel it right there. Cause I'm like, please, no, but wait, so what happened with the girl? It's the one third. Oh, yeah.

Theo Von
People locked us in a room and made us kiss each other or whatever when we were kids. I don't remember if we kissed or not. I think we did. People like neighbors, other kids. Oh, other kids.

Sal Vulcano
I was gonna say, this is bordering on something. That sounds not good. Yeah, no, it was on the up and up. Nothing like sexual, just like they, you know, you better get in there and kiss you. Little queers or whatever they would call us, you know.

Theo Von
And then we had another family that's protestant. But she was a girl. Oh, yeah, she was a girl. But they still called you queers. And her brother.

Sal Vulcano
Tough town. Yeah, it was just. And she had a short haircut. Okay, okay. And you had a long one.

Theo Von
Yeah. And people like, now it's making sense. Like, you gay kids better get in there.

But. And then what else was there? Any good love stories? And everybody. We had a lady that would always be drunk, and her husband, I think, was gone or missing or whatever.

And she would, like, be just drinking and laying on her corvette. Just like, this was an older lady. Like a Miss Robinson type. Yeah. Trying to be like, all neighborhood old lady.

You like this vet? She would just be saying that to nobody. We're like, what is this lady doing, dude? And she was like, I think kind of a tramp or whatever. But then we had this other guy.

He was kind of like a homer erotic kid or whatever. And he might have been, like, a young man, but he would always, like. It was unclear. We would do, like, the navy and his. They had, like, a big bathtub, and he would have us pretend like we're in the navy or whatever and, like, swim around in his tub or whatever, but he wouldn't do anything.

He was just, like, an older kid, and he had, like, used hairspray and stuff. Stuff. So he was like. I think he didn't know that if he was gay or not, but he was gay, you know, and he would have us do the navy or whatever it is. How do you do the navy?

Huh? How do you do the navy? You just swim until somebody yells and fucking throws something at you. How many kids are in the tub? Probably three kids.

Sal Vulcano
Did you. And were you in. Were you clothed? I mean, it was bumper to bumper in there. It was.

Theo Von
There's not a lot of room, you know, I think we had our underpants on. It was submarine. It was like a submarine. Yeah, yeah, it was, like, tight. Yeah, it was, like buds or whatever.

I don't know what that term. What that thing is that guys go through, but. Yeah, a lot of. Just. Just some Navy action.

Yeah, just kids being. Yeah, just like when you're at home during the summer, just like, a lot of that summertime stuff. Like, what are we gonna do all day? And then other kids parents are gonna end up doing? We, you know, just being around.

Like, the days would get so long. Cause then you'd have a friend that went to summer camp and you didn't go to summer camp, so you would just be literally laying face down on the sofa at home. Yeah. The tv's going. Yeah.

And you have nothing. But. Just nothing. Nothing. I remember we used to play, like, we called it manhunt.

Sal Vulcano
You know what that is? I don't know. It sounds like the Navy that I was in. Yeah, it was, like, outside, like, almost, like, teams of, like, whatever. It's just five kids and five kids, right.

And so basically, one team goes out and hides, and the other teams, his job, to capture all of them. And there was, like, you know, a home base, and there was, like, where they locked you up. And so we would have the whole apartment complex, and there was hills and grass. There were some things in it. So we would go out and play manhunt all day, and it was so intense that, like, there was a time where, like, we split up and used to hide.

I got so into it. I used to put, like, on camouflage, and I used to, like, burrow under bushes. Really? Yeah, we got that intense with it. You think that perfume would give you away?

Absolutely. It's like, there he is. I smell lilac. I remember one time I went under this bush up on this little, like, hill, like, and I mean, if you could find a good spot, great. And you stayed there and you would hear, like, you would hear, like, screaming and running, like, you know, and you would, oh, he's getting caught.

And then you would have to come out. And if they were in the jail, you can. If you got there and tagged them, you would free them again. But if you got caught, like, now it's high stakes, right? Because if you had, let's say, three, three people are.

Your friends are pows, right? And now you got to go get. Now there's five people still searching for only two of you. And, like, now they got people guarding the jail, so they're hunting you down. And now you got to get past that guy who's already guarding it.

And then when once he yells, it's a swarm. So it's like, really? It really, like you had to get strategy with it. Yeah. So I would commit to it.

So one time I dug under. I mean, I went under a bush, dude, and I put, like, dirt. I was like. And I was looking, and 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 40 minutes, hour was easy. I'm talking, like, dude, I'm talking, like, two plus hours.

Theo Von
Wow. And I stopped hearing everybody. And, like, I was like, do I come out? Like, I don't. I don't like this.

Sal Vulcano
A great. It was. I swear to God, it was getting dark out. And that's what I was like, I don't hear anybody is getting dark, like. And so I came out.

It was like two, two and a half hours. I was under the talk about how who has the time to lay in the dirt for two and a half hours just to play a game? This is what I want to go back to. But I came out and I start looking for them, and I can't even find them, dude. And we lived in these apartments, and I lived on the second floor.

My friend lived on the first floor. And I said, I'm just going to go home. And I start to go home. And I hear people. I hear people and they're all singing happy birthday, and I hear, like.

And it's coming from the first floor of my friend's house, one of my best friend's house that lives there. All the windows are. And I'm like, what the hell? And I look in. Everybody's in there for a birthday party.

Just having a birthday party. They're already at the cake. They're already at the cake. And I was just in the dirt for two and a half hours, just, like, hoping not to get caught by buddies. And the crazy part was, there was nobody to tell that story to.

Theo Von
It's just like, you get inside, it's like, do you want some cake? Guys? Like, you usually like, all right. We're calling it. Yeah.

Sal Vulcano
You know what I mean? But, yeah, a lot of bad intel.

Yeah, dude. It was like, I mean, I had nothing. I used to come over one time, we moved. I moved in my grandparents when I was around, just at the fifth, 5th grade. And I moved to my grandparents, and then I moved away from those people.

And they didn't live in the best neighborhood, and so we weren't really allowed to go outside. It was like a really bad neighborhood. Like, you would hear, like, gunshots and stuff. Like, just in the summer, they never. We have air conditioned, so, like, we have all the windows open and you just hear, like, pop, pop, pop.

Like, you just. It was normal. But my grandparents lived there for like, 50, 60 years, you know, and so we lived downstairs for them for a bit when we trying to get, you know, get our footing or whatever. And. And I had nobody, just me and my sister, right.

So I'd get home from school and, like, I had not, like, nothing. I just would, like, whatever. Like, that's why I was beating Mike Tyson. Like, like, one hand on my back. But.

But I remember one time I was, I was like, maybe I'll get a pet. So I used to, I don't know if you had ever had these county, like, these fairs or these festivals at your school. Yeah, yeah, those, like, did. They would, like, come, like, fetty eggs and stuff. We would have different, like, they would come, like, carny.

They could open up the trip with, like, a Ferris wheel and, like, a little, like, they would come for, like, a few days, like a mini little. What do you call, like, not carnival, but like a, you know, like a fair affair. Yeah, we just had a corny in here, actually, which was pretty cool. But we. Yeah, we had fairs.

Oh, really? Yeah. I can't never tell if you're joking. Oh, we had a carny in here.

How did you. We had a carny in here. Actually, book one. We just searched for him. Ah, we searched for him.

Theo Von
We found a decent guy. But, um. Yeah, but they had fairs, too. Yeah, we had. Yeah, I know what you're talking about.

Sal Vulcano
So. So we had these fairs you had. It would come to your school. Yeah. They would post up in the parking lot, and it was also a way for the school to raise money because it would also be, like, casino night in the.

At the church. So, like, the parents, they would get, you know, so it was like. But they had those games that you. I would come home with, like, a stuffed down, you know, whatever, and they had this thing. We threw a ping pong ball in the goldfish in these little.

Theo Von
Yeah. You know, there was, like, maybe a. A grid, like 20 by 20 grid of these little bowls with goldfish in them. And then it was like. It was like a $0.50.

Sal Vulcano
You threw a ball of a ping pong ball, landed in the thing they bagged up the goldfish for, and they. Gave it to you. Yeah, they shouldn't be doing that. I mean, if you think I go. People don't give goldfish any respect at all.

Like, they're just as good as nothing. They're like ants. Like, you know, it's. It's not fair. People eat them and throw them back up.

Like Steve, you know, but goldfish get a really bad. They're really born into a bad life, if you think about it. They don't have a memory. They don't. They.

A lot of them are used just to feed other fish. It's almost sex trafficked. Almost. It's really bad sex. Yeah.

Theo Von
Yes. And if you're a goldfisher, I mean, I don't know, man. I just. A goldfish is a terrible life. You get split from your family, you.

Know, you don't even know who your family is. You don't know who your family is. You get immediately put. You either live alone for your whole life, or you get thrown in with people you don't want to be with, you know? And then you usually die of an infection.

Sal Vulcano
You know, your eye is like, has a big freaking, like, cotton ball on it or something like that. And, like. And you die slow. Yeah. Nobody knew how to reverse a goldfish death.

One. I was young. You got it. And then when it started to die, you're like, oh, there's the white stuff. Couple weeks now he's got a couple.

And then you just watch. You'd still feed him, and you just watch him with, like, one flip or, like, you'd stare at this thing looking at you like, I am. I have been dying for two weeks, you know? So, as a matter of fact, I got. I got.

So I would get them and bring them home and like, oh, this is gonna be like, past the time. I have something to take care of now. Yeah. My mom never knew. I never got the setup.

She never got me a tank, a filtration system. I didn't know you needed a filtration. Yeah, I did not know, because when you threw the bowl in the thing, there was no filtration, and they just threw them in that water. Well, you know, they. That water has to be cycled and filtered, wherever those are.

All goners. And if the ping pong ball don't hit, they're dying anyway, right. It's like a kill shelter, basically, for fish. Right? And so I would bring them home and I would put them in a salad bowl.

I just fill up tap water. Throw him in a salad bowl. I'm like, this is like Italians thinking. You solve anything.

Dude. I just. I was like, this is as big as this. Eight times bigger than where he came from. He's like, the Jefferson's, right?

He's moving on up this thing. I'm in a big salad bowl, right?

And I would just. Bread. It was white bread. I would just put white bread in there, and I was like, because I'm a kid. What are you making?

Theo Von
A sandwich. Dude. I. When we were a kid and we went fishing at the lake, we would. We would ball up wonder bread till it became like a.

Sal Vulcano
Like a ball. Yeah, a little nugget and put it. In and then put it on the hook. And we did it with wonder bread. So I.

So I would just feed it. Wondered. And, you know, it wasn't until way after that I realized, like, the fish would eat. Like, I would break it and throw it in chunks, and it would suck it right in and then shoot it right back out, you know? Some of them wouldn't come back out, but most of them would shoot back out.

Theo Von
Yeah. And I'd be like. I just was like, he's full. Yeah. But I guess he just didn't want white bread.

Take it in. Yeah. So I would. So I. They would always die.

Sal Vulcano
So I felt so bad. So then I realized one day, like, I was like, the fish store. Because it was a. There was a fish store near my cousin's house that we used to. It was on the same square block.

We weren't allowed to cross the street, so we can go to the fish store without crossing the street. So one day I'm in there, and I'm like, oh, there's these bubbles. Like, I don't have that. I got to get bubbles. Yeah.

So one time I went in and I brought a fish home. My mom wasn't home from work yet, and I was like, I gotta. I don't want this fish to die. And so I took a straw. Yeah.

And I put. I put it in the fishbowl in the salad bowl. And I blew into the salad bowl to keep the fish alive. I blew bubbles until. For 3 hours, until she got home at 06:00.

Thing was dead that night. I'm blowing carbon dioxide directly into the thing. I literally was, like, literally poisoned the fish. I'm sitting there going. And I'm blowing.

And I named him. I named him Harry. And I remember. Cause I named every fish, and they all died very quickly. And so here I am, 3 hours, blowing with a straw.

And I just thought the bubbles did it. Damn. So finally, when I got older, my niece won a fish, and she brought it home. Well, maybe my little sister on my niece won a fish, brought her home. Was it beautiful?

Theo Von
Was it big? It was a little. Right? But I was like, I'm. I'm not.

Sal Vulcano
I was like, I'm not letting this happen to this fish. I was. I was like, right. This is gonna be different. I was like, 2020.

I was probably 23, 24. Who am. I, if I continue to let this happen? Went right to the store, bought the whole setup. I came home.

Theo Von
Rocks. Like coral. Fake coral. Yeah. Castle.

A little dmv in there. I had a treasure chest and, like, a little, like. Like a little dmv kind of thing. Little perk dealer. Yeah, yeah, I got.

Sal Vulcano
Yeah, all that. I had the whole neighborhood in there, right? All the people in the neighborhood. But I had all the accoutrements, and I got into it. You buy the rocks.

I don't know if you ever had a fish, but then you had to, like, you roll the rocks through a strainer because the dye has to come off a little bit. Put them in there, and you have. I got so into this. I bought medicine, food. I bought all, like, I would do the water.

I would test it, the ph. Put all the. I would. What do you call it? Condition the water.

Theo Von
Oh, yeah. And I took this fish, and I had it for six or seven years, right? And that fish became, like, this big. And I don't know if it's a thing, but I would just feed the fish. I would put my hand, and the fish would eat out of my hand.

Sal Vulcano
That might be a one any of them do. But it really felt like we had something. Like, if I put my hand there, he didn't jolt away, right? He. She would just, like, go.

He would, like, go in my hand and just like, stay there, you know? And so you see a lot of that. You don't see that now these days with goldfish, with people like that. Right. Anyway, one day he's.

He died or whatever, and I think. I honestly think he was murdered. I really do. I'm not making a joke. I know it sounds like I am.

I think. I think that it was a spy. I think maybe got murdered out of spite from somebody in my house, I think, or a friend, because I had just done the. Clean the fish tank. He was in perfect health.

I just did a full fish tank cleaning. You did it, like, every three weeks. I mean, I dumped it out. I put him in another bucket. Yeah.

You have to do this whole thing. You put half of the water in the bucket with him because you wanted to stay, like the ecosystem, that water. Oh, yeah, it's like FeMA or whatever. Yeah, exactly. I was basically like.

I was basically like red cross. Yeah. My cousin worked for FEMA for a while. They didn't do all that shit. He'd be fucking putting wet people in shoeboxes for 2 hours while they fucking vacuumed out.

Theo Von
There. I was. I was female, and. And I put it in. I tested everything.

Sal Vulcano
I had. Science. Seven years, right? And it looked beautiful, too. It flourished, right?

Then. Then the next day, he was in the clean water, just dead. Not even a slow death, just dead. I suspect foul play, but this fish moved with me to three different locations. Okay.

So I'm in the third location that I own this fish in, in seven years, and that's where he died. And I. It was a summer, and I felt guilty. I didn't want to flush the fish. It just felt disrespectful.

Seven years, I know. And the pipes, too. Are you in New York at that time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't want to put the fish that I called my friend where.

You know, where people shit. Yeah, that's a good point, actually. Hey, fish, I love you. Yeah, people. That's nothing.

People just flush the goldfish when they die. It's so disrespectful. They have no. They have no platform, no voice. Anyway, I didn't want.

They don't. People. Look, I didn't want to, so I was. I'm gonna bury it in the yard. Yeah.

And it was a summer, and I just didn't want to bury it because I felt it was gonna stink and decompose and stuff, maybe be dug up by, like, a raccoon. And so I was like, I have to wait till cooler weather. And so I put in the freezer. I did. Wow.

Theo Von
I. Did I tell you the story? No, because I told it before. I was thinking, what would somebody do? I put it in tin foil and I put it in my freezer.

Yeah. And, you know, I kind of half and half. Half was. I forgot about it. And like, maybe I missed a cycle.

Or maybe you don't want to remember cause it's painful, too. Sometimes your brain will hide information. Yeah. Like I had to unearth it in therapy or something. But one thing led to another and a few warm seasons passed, and I still hadn't.

Sal Vulcano
I still hadn't done it. And then it got to the point where I was like, I don't know, I just felt bad. I was like, whenever I. I just felt bad and then I moved. It could have been toxic shock syndrome or something.

Theo Von
You know, a lot of animals, if they move too many times, they get really sick. Yeah. Well, I mean, I have to worry about that with him because he was dead. Oh. Another thing was I thought that they had only died when I.

Sal Vulcano
I was like, it's bad luck to name him. So I never had this. Seven years, I didn't name him. Oh, that would kill anyone. I called him fish.

It was fine. He didn't care. And I moved, and I. And then I moved. I took this stuff from my fridge and freezer with me.

It's not like I'm gonna throw stuff out. I took him. I moved again, so I moved. From what kind of compartment is he in? Are you keeping him in a little bowl or just a little bag with water in it?

It's tinfoil, okay? He's not in water. And so the place I had him. He'S have like a couple grams of a fish rolled up in tinfoil. It's like this big of a fish.

And it's in my freezer. Right? He's in my freezer. He's in my freezer right now. And it has he really been.

It has been since he died. It has been 2010. It's been about twelve years since he's died. And I have. I moved into the house 2010 that he died in, and then when I moved to my next house in 2015, he was already dead.

So he died somewhere between 2010 and 1520, 1213. He. The fish is frozen in my freezer right this very, very second. Wow. Still today.

Today, twelve years I have a frozen fish in there. I told the story in my pockets and people started sending me fish coffins, little fish coffins. And I was gonna actually have, like, a funeral for him. Yeah. Because I told on my pod years ago, and so people started sending them in and we were gonna do like a.

Like a patreon, like, funeral for him. Oh, man. But he's. And then, you know what? I end up taking him.

I hadn't done it, but we talked about it. So I got him out of the. I used to film it at my house. I got him out of the freezer and I opened it. No way.

Theo Von
Yeah. I was scared. I did. Yeah. I open.

Sal Vulcano
He's still there. I put him back in, but I was scared to do it. Did he have any. How did he look? It wasn't good.

You know, it was. He was still whole. Yeah, but he was. I mean, very, very, very light gold. Yeah.

If there was even a. It was a gradient, it was maybe like a 10% gold zirconium, maybe. Yeah, it was like. It was, like, whitish. It might have been close to white, which is a hint of gold.

And his eyes, it was like the. Cheapest high school ring you could get. Exactly. Right. Yeah.

Theo Von
Like, he turned local gold or whatever. It would have, like, a term. They'd be like, oh, yeah, special zone. Like mountain gold or something like that. Something they tried to sell you on.

Yeah. Yeah, that turned. And his eyes, they were, like, not there, which was. He had, like, the sockets, but the balls, they were kind of not there. I don't know what happens to balls when you freeze them over time, if you're a goldfish.

Well, I'll say this. We had a guy named Max Moore on, and he runs the cryonics Institute, which is where they freeze people in Arizona. And it was. How was that conversation? It was interesting.

I don't know if it's a scam or not. I believe that in theory, it's a. It's a good idea. I really wonder about that. I really do.

But they keep bodies in, like, these big vats of nitrogen, and they just keep them at really low temperatures in the hopes that one day they'll be. Able to, like Walt Disney and color schemski, right? Yeah. Like, start them back up. Yeah.

Sal Vulcano
That's wild, though. Would you do it? I mean, I. Some people, like, it's all the same. You're gone.

You're gone. Why not put it in there and see if the. I've had this convict, because, like, what do you want to wake up to? Like, what's it. Let's say in 300 years they can bring you back because it's like, you know, they find the technology's there.

Theo Von
And. Yeah. Like, prize pictures. Know no one. You know no one.

Sal Vulcano
It's like, know nothing of that world. It's like. Yeah, you're just being. Yeah, like, this draft is brought to you by prize pixel, and you're just drafting you back into time, bro. That's.

Theo Von
That's definitely gonna be what it's like when you think about it. In the future, you're gonna be able to create your own player. Like, you can do on video games, but out of DNA that's actually in labs. You're gonna be able to create your own, like, player that will play in, like, some special gym universe somewhere, and that will actually eventually go onto the court and play. Like, that's gonna be a real thing people can do.

Sal Vulcano
I have my DNA and sperm. You do? Stored. Yeah. And I just did.

I just did the 23 andme premium package. Really? What did it would all. And how. I mailed it out.

I mailed it out ten days ago. It's like, five to six weeks. It comes out. I've always. Dude, 20 years ago.

I've always been like, I need to know. As far back as I can go. I need to, like. I just. It's so fascinating to me.

Theo Von
Oh, yeah. On that show, like, oh, histories. It's like, hey, this is where you're from. There's two of them. Like, one's a PBS version, and one's like, a.

Sal Vulcano
And it's just like, where you came from, whatever it's called. I've been asking them for years. Cause they do all the legwork. The black people. One's always just Chicago.

Theo Von
It's like you're from Chicago.

Sal Vulcano
There's been some crazy ones, though. Like, I seen people go on there, like, celebrities, and then realize that they came from, like, really bad people. Yeah, I've seen that dude. I've seen. Dude.

Theo Von
I got. I did my 23. I was, like, 40% thousand island dressing. I feel like you're all the thousand islands. I don't know.

That dressing went downhill, didn't it? Yeah, I never liked it. Wow. Yeah, it's doing too much. It's.

Sal Vulcano
It's also a mystery to me. It's, like, kind of, like orange, right? Yeah, it's like an orangey mayonnaise. It kind of feels. Mayonnaise.

I don't like base. I don't like it. But you did do it, or. No, you didn't do it. French dressing was big, remember?

Yeah. Yeah. You don't hear much about french dressing anymore. Everything's a vinaigrette now. Yeah, it's vinaigrette.

Theo Von
It's ranch. Or ranch. Never lost blue cheese. Yeah, I don't like ranch either. French was very scary to be a child, and they would have French.

Sal Vulcano
Thank you. It was orange, right? No, no, orange was thousand island. But there was a really fine orange. French.

The lick the cup. No, that was the italian one. Was like, the oil bait. Yeah, they. You're right.

Yeah, there it is. No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't fuck with French. French was very appealing. No, I'm not a big salad dressing guy.

I'll do a little red wine vinegar. I just stick to that. But I'll eat some blue cheese. But what the hell is that? Did you really do the 23 andme?

Theo Von
Yeah. So what did you know? Because I did this one now where you could, like, find out. You can go back, like, it says, like, jet. I mean, hundreds of years, like, they tell you, like, oh, really?

Sal Vulcano
I read a review where the guy was like, I found out that, like, my great great great. I'm not joking. And I was like. He's like, I. I found out, like, my great great great great grandfather died by an arrow.

Theo Von
Hmm. That's the kind of detail he got. I don't know how, but I read it, and I was like, hell, yes. I want to know all of this. Yeah.

Sal Vulcano
You know, I can't wait for the results to come back. I can't wait. Yeah, I've done ancestry. I know my. Right?

I know my breakdown. But I didn't do it where it's, like, genetic testing. I did that. Traits, you know, predispositions, everything. Like, if you're a night person, what stuff you should eat.

Naughty. And then as much history of your family tree as possible. Do you think you want to know all that? I guess sometimes I like. Yeah.

Really? Well, I've lived with a mystery for 40 something years already. I want. Now I want to know. You know what I mean?

I just feel like, you know, I don't know. How do you not. You don't really know your. You know yourself, but you gotta know. I have a longing to know exactly where I came from.

Theo Von
Was it a big thing in y'all's house? Did y'all's family was like, this is where you're from? Cause that is the thing that I feel like is very important. That should be in more homes, probably is like, this is who your grandfather was, and this is, like, where our bloodline comes from. And this is what we've been through.

Sal Vulcano
Everybody should know that. We didn't do it at all. And I think that's why I longed for it. Like, I only, I knew one great grandparent when she died. She passed away at 99, and I was still young.

And then I had a very great relationship with my four grandparents. I mean, very close. And I still have my, one of my grandmas and I. They all, luckily, I had them till a decent, decent age. So I was really, really tight and I was like, I just wish I knew.

You know, you blow your mind thinking about, like, even just go back. Like, it's crazy that we don't even know our great grandparents, nevermind, just a few times removed, you know, just. How about great, great, great. No idea. And that shit's like, that's long enough ago to be like, oh, he was a, you know, he was a, you know, a blacksmith.

I don't even know what. You know what I mean? He lived. Oh, yeah. I mean, yeah, a lot of times you just know, like, oh, my grandpa drove a van or whatever and you're like, what?

Theo Von
What the fuck? The guy lived a whole life, right. You know, created your dad, right. And all, you know. Yeah.

Sal Vulcano
Is that he smoked Paul, man. Yeah. That's all, you know, he smoked at cigarettes and, yeah, the guy lived, yeah, chicken coop. Yeah, that's really it, though. That's it.

Theo Von
Like, oh, yeah, everybody likes to almost. Yeah, there's like, there's this mystery, whereas I think a long time ago, there used to be a lot more probably familiar lore. Yes. That was passed down, and now it's just like, a lot of that's not present in a lot of families. Like my dad, dude, I remember my dad was like, she'd be like, I think my dad liked to drink a pretty good bit.

Like, my dad was very, my dad was born, and he was, he was 70 when I was born, so he was an older guy, you know, he. Was like that in your first special. Yeah, he was like, bi. Knew it. Herb.

You know, in a lot of ways, but, yeah, he was like, he would, my dad would, like, drive us to school or something. My dad's car, he always hit stuff with his car, so he always had, like, spare tires in his car. Like, in the backseat was stacked with fucking tires that were blown out or ones that were still usable, dude. And so a lot of times you just get in the backseat of his car. So you'd like, he'd take me to school sometimes and I would get out and all my clothes and skin would be just covered in, like, black tire marks, dude.

Like, I just wander in the school dude. Like, just trying, like, I'm a diversity hire. Like, pen from peanuts. Yeah. Like, yeah, like, I'm part of the diversity coal miner.

Sal Vulcano
Like, a five year old coal miner. Um, and then. Yeah, he just saw his, like. You know, he just. So.

Theo Von
That was very. So you should. What did you know of your grandfather, then? Oh, I didn't. Your paternal.

Oh, Mike. I knew we had a step grandpa that would smoke a lot of cigarettes, you know, and he would wear his. Like, he used to wear motorcycle goggles. Even when he was just sitting on the porch for a long time, he wore, like, that. He had, like, that old school kind of motorcycle hat with the goggles.

You know, he'd just wore it on the porch, and he'd sit on the porch and just. I think he wanted people to know he was about to go ride his motorcycle all the time. I want to know that guy. You know? And he wore, like, a onesie, kind of like a.

But a worker's onesie. Oh, yeah. Like a. Like a dickies. Like a jumpsuit thing.

Yeah. And he worked at a factory and stuff like that. Oh, see, yeah, this is like. Yeah, that's like, assault of the. That's like.

Sal Vulcano
That's what I'm talking about. You know, I'm saying. Yeah, I want to know that. Like, I don't know, man. I.

You know, my grandparents all had, like, eight or nine siblings. Yeah, this a bit. You know what I mean? But what did your dad do? Did he do what?

Theo Von
Is your dad kind of a neat guy? Do you have any good, like, cool memories about him when he was a kid? My dad? Yeah. Well, he's.

Sal Vulcano
He's still with me, luckily. Yeah. Oh, my memories. When you were a kid of, like, your dad, like, what was your, like. Yeah, my dad would have these big shoes that we would put on sometimes, and that was pretty cool.

Theo Von
My dad would put his shirt. Sometimes he would take his shirt off. He likes to drink, and he would have a couple drinks or whatever, and then he would just take his shirt off and, like, button it up, like, in front of us, and he'd be like, oh, you got my shirt on. And he would say stuff like that, and then he would just pass out. On the couch like a very warm guy.

Sal Vulcano
Just the physicality that you become when you're talking. I'm like, put a shirt on. He'd be like, you got my shirt on. That was his, like, playing with us or whatever game. Who wants to wear my shirt?

Theo Von
And you were just. Your eyes were burning with, like, brute and, like, old spice.

And by the time you got the shirt off or whatever, he would just be, like, asleep on the couch. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd be like, this is good, my. Dad, you know, like, you know, I'm lucky. I have a real good relationship.

Sal Vulcano
He's like my best friend, really. You know, growing up was cool. You know, I got hit by a car with him. My body got not in a car accident. We were playing Frisbee in a parking lot by my house and it was a gated.

It was a gated parking lot and it was like one of those posts, those, like, CW. No, CW. What do you call those, those veteran VW posts, right. You know what I'm saying? And it was like a big parking lot and it was gated and so VFW.

VFW was like, yeah. And so we used to play, like, stick ball in that thing and, like, hockey and things like that. And so they would. But because it was always closed when it wasn't an event, it was a big empty parking lot and it was gated and it was pretty big for a kid. Like, it was like, you know, it was a good, like, I would call it maybe about 100 and maybe 25ft long, something like that, or more, you know, and pretty wide.

And in the buildings we lived in, it was right in front of them, those buildings. And he was, he had, like, so many jobs and he was the superintendent of those buildings, so he had an office there and we also lived there. And I would go visit him in the office and go around and, like, help him fix. Watch him fix, like, you know, things. He.

Theo Von
Oh, he was a super. Yeah, he was a super. Oh, wow. Yeah. And he was also a garbage man, but he did both.

Sal Vulcano
And, and so he had an office. He used to lift weights in there and I used to go hang out with him and, and the guys that worked there and everything, they had, like, posters of girls on the wall in the office and, like, they played darts and stuff. But my dad, like, he didn't drink. He wasn't like, he wasn't into sports, he didn't drink. He just was like, I don't know, man.

He just. He was very unique. He's a healthy guy, very into fitness. But, you know, I hung out with him a lot and so he took me one day, I'll never forget, he's like, come on, we're gonna go play. And he threw.

It was a Coca Cola red Coca Cola Frisbee. I'll just. And we went down the block. We went in there not a car in the place. Gates closed, and we're throwing the frizzy back and forth.

I'm young. I'm probably. I was, like, five, six years old, tops. And, you know, I don't even know, to this day, I can't really throw a frizz. I throw the one that just does that.

Theo Von
Oh, really? Yeah. You can throw a frisbee? Yeah. It must feel like a superpower.

It does feel good when you learn it, because when you don't know how to do it as a dude, it is a questionable look. Yeah. I mean, it's anybody's guess when I throw it, how it's gonna look, if it's gonna just sail to the right, if it's gonna wobble, if it's gonna hit the floor, like, you know. Can you throw it like that? Huh?

No, that dude is also closeted gate. Yeah, I'll throw it like a regular dude. Yeah. And bless him. Yeah, but that dude is like.

Yeah. Any of that dude. That dude's trying to steal your lady to, you know, skipping it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's skipping it off of a.

Sal Vulcano
You could throw, like, you can. Toyota Tercel or whatever. Yeah, yeah. Well, that was. That's a show off.

Yeah. Nobody likes to show off. That's what I don't like is that guy. Yeah, yeah. I could just make sure I get it to where it's going in the area.

So you. So if we were playing. If we haven't a. Is it a fret? The catch?

Theo Von
Having a catch. Yeah, having a frisbee. Having a throw. Throwing Frisbee. If we're throwing a frisbee, you.

Sal Vulcano
You can. I can be far away from you, and you could be like, I got you. Did you get me? That's really. That's really nice.

Theo Von
You have to spin in a full circle before you let it go, or. No, can you just do, like a. I didn't really throw it like a discus. I had no skill whatsoever in that department. Yeah.

Sal Vulcano
So I would just, like, you know, let it go. Yeah. And. Sorry. It's all.

Theo Von
Dude, what happened to me? I had a traumatic experience. I seen three gay dudes throwing a Frisbee and a Hampton Inn hot tub. Like, a big hot tub. And to this day.

Sal Vulcano
Yeah, that had to be bigger than the place. The tub you played Navy in, because they were throwing the frisbee. Well, they were all just sitting there, just kind of throwing it to each other, and it just was. It was just the most craziest thing I'd ever seen in my life. Wait, what was crazy?

Theo Von
The fact that they. It was like, kind of like a little sport, and they were only sitting, like, 4ft from each other and that they kept throwing this little frisbee to each other. I love that you described that. It's like a. Would you say a traumatic.

Sal Vulcano
Would you say a crazy experience broke my heart?

Theo Von
Because that's when I knew that our military was done.

That's what I knew, dude. Oh, God. That. To me, it sounds like a. It sounds like a party broke out, though.

Yeah, you're right. I think I got, you know. And a lot of it, for me, is a perspective issue. It's like, I show up. It is, man.

I show up with a negative perspective. I'm like, I love you. Look at these guys. Look at these air force guys or whatever. Oh, I meant to miss that part.

Sal Vulcano
They were in the air force? Oh, no, no, no. They were in the navy, probably. You saw. You weren't in the tub, and you're just having, like, PTSD.

Was it you throwing a lot of bad experiences?

Theo Von
That's hilarious. Well, mine went wide, and it was our neighborhood, and my dad saw a guy that he knew walking by on the street outside the other side of the gate. And so he was like, I'm gonna. He just walked over to the gate to say hello to his friend, and he's at the gate talking to his friend, and. And he threw it to me, and it was like, over.

Sal Vulcano
Went over there. So I was like, all right. I was walking to go get it. I mean, there was two things in this parking lot, me and my dad. And so I'm walking to get the frisbee, and then I look up, and from the other side of the parking lot, I see a station wagon is in the.

Is now in the parking lot, and it's driving toward me. And even at that age, I'm like, I didn't mind. There's no way he didn't see it. Wasn't like, oh, my God, a car's coming. Yeah, I just know he saw me.

And I'm walking to get the thing, and he's driving toward it as well. And I remember it so vividly. I got to the Coca Cola frisbee, and I looked down and I looked, and the car was still coming at me. It wasn't going that fast. I'm sure it was going like 10 miles an hour, something like that.

And I went to go pick up the frisbee, and my dad's talking, he's not looking, and I go to pick up the frisbee, I remember I picked it up and I dropped it. I fumbled it and it dropped back down. And I had this moment of, do I pick it back up right now or do I get out? I just remember being like, it happened fast. And I went to pick it back up and the next thing, when I woke up, I was in my dad's arms and he was running with me in his arms and to get in his car, and we took him to the hospital.

I didn't get any broken bones or anything. I got bruised up, but, yeah, blacked out completely. The car hit me. Now, in hindsight, I know the story. Like, my dad got.

My dad got so mad, he turned around. I don't know what you must think to see your five year old get hit by a car. And I didn't know this till later on, but I found out that he just went nuts and ran. The guy hit the thing and he ran up to the car and he was like, just punching, like, get out of the car. Just punch in the car.

And the guy wouldn't get the. And he's trying to rip it at my. My dad's friend goes, Sal, don't worry about that. Get your son. You know.

Theo Von
Yeah. And he was like, oh. And they just grabbed me. We ran, went to the hospital. He's punching the car, you know, but that was a big guy, you know, he's punching the car and everything.

Sal Vulcano
And then. Yeah. So I got hit by this. Hold on, son. Yeah, it's like, stick with.

Stay with me. I'll be right with you, Smash. Later, turned out that it was one of my kid in my grandma school's grandfather. But anyway, and I said, we sued him, but it was like, man, it was really a disappointment of a lawsuit because I got five. I mean, I was like, what was it?

It was like probably 1981, but I got $5,000. It's a lot of money then. Yeah. Adjusted for inflation from 81. Hit me out and then I couldn't touch it till I was 18, and so when it was 18, see that auto?

Twelve grand when I was 18. It was twelve when you were 18? Yeah, I think 1213 grand, that was. That's about it. 5000 to.

Theo Von
That's a lot of money. Twelve grand, 18 years? Yeah. Would you do with it?

Sal Vulcano
You know, I don't really know ultimately, but I'll tell you what I thought I was gonna do with it. I thought I was going to buy an engagement ring. Oh, with it? Yeah, that's what I told. I was like, oh, I'm gonna just take this money to buy you an engagement ring.

Yeah. Thank you. I love that you've taken, like a. Like a. Like a knee for me so many times.

I started with the gout so many times. You're really, like, I've. You've. You really felt my pain. Thanks, man.

Theo Von
Yeah, it's Remy. That's a fucking. God. Yeah. When I get.

I'm gonna get her that ring, and we're gonna get a little home or something. It sounds like there's so much, like I haven't spoken about. Like, it's just. It sounds right now that I'm like, yeah, man, my life with this woman, and I'm still thinking about it. It's like, I didn't even remember that I was gonna do that.

Sal Vulcano
But when you asked me, I was like, I think. Yeah. I remember telling her that, like, I'm gonna get you a ring with this money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think, yeah.

Theo Von
Well, I remember a girl, she broke out with me, and then I got in, like, oh, I'm gonna. I remember calling her mom. I'm going to buy her a ring, you know? And, like, I took that avenue one time. Like, I was.

I was just. Yeah. Doing that stuff and planning ahead is. Relationships are fucking hard, especially when you're just figuring out about love and. Am I in love?

What's going on? You know? How many. How many. Have you been in love?

Yeah, I've been in love, man. How many times? You know, I think maybe three, four times, I think, you know, that's about. Right about. I think three for me.

I gotta start dating towards a family, you know? You want one? I think so, yeah. Yeah. Cuz otherwise I'm like, what happens if you don't get one?

Then you are. Are you. It's. Sometimes it gets a little strange when I still go, like, to people's things or something, and it's just me. I get that.

Sal Vulcano
Yeah, I get that. It's like, I gotta start bringing somebody. Do you. But you want to bring some boot? Like, you know, you don't want to bring, like, something that's not, like, potential.

Yeah, right, right, right. So, wait, so are you feeling pressure just externally, because of those situations and maybe, what, your age, or are you feeling internally, biologically, like, I long for this, and I. And I feel like I'm ready to. I feel like I'm kind of ready to start family. Are you feeling that?

Are you, like. Yeah, I think it's a little bit of both. I think it's like, if I'm gonna do it. I have to do it at some point. Do you feel, or I'm gonna be like, my dad.

Right. You know, or not really, but I'll be, you know. I see what you say in a parallel. Yeah. You know, but I think there's part of me in that that's always like, oh, you could do it whenever.

Theo Von
I think that could have been my mindset that I got, too, you know? Like, I can always. Yeah. So you want to put my shirt on?

Sal Vulcano
I don't know, man. I got to set you up with somebody or something. I don't know. I don't really play matchmaker, but keep your ears open. People sometimes try to match make me, but I just got to be more like, you're not looking for it.

Theo Von
I mean, I'm keeping my eyes open. Nashville's kind of tough because it's a lot of, like, college and then a. Lot of married also now, you know, you're so. You're so famous. Like, you're famous.

Sal Vulcano
You got a. Like, how you meet someone is more. Little. Has to be a little more intricate. Intricate.

Now, like, you got to make sure you. You meet someone, you're investing your time in someone. Like, that's for the right reasons. And, like, that was the thing with me. Like, my girl that I'm with now, I've been with since before I was, like, in the public.

You know what I mean? It was like. It was, like, right. Just, like, right about that time. But I've known her.

I knew her, like, I would say, like, seven, eight years before. Even before that. Yeah. So, you know, I didn't have to navigate being in the public like this and then trying to. Right.

Theo Von
You had somebody out there for somebody. Like that, you know, being. Be vulnerable and you invest that kind of time and not, you know, it. Gets a little spooky because some. You're afraid to, like, message somebody if you, like, if you meet somebody online, you know, and you don't want to feel forced to, like, have to meet somebody that's also in, like, has.

You know, I love to just meet a. Yeah, I just want to meet whoever I'm supposed to meet. Yeah. So just want to make sure I'm able to be, like, in a good space, you know, and just be ready. Yeah.

You know? Yeah. And I just feel like, a little bit of that kind of change, and, like, I think I'm ready for something a little bit more realistic, you know? Yeah, I. I never really talk about it.

Sal Vulcano
I never talk about. But I. Yeah, I was 43 I bet. I. I'm married.

Theo Von
Yeah. I never really talk about at all, but, um, people know that I'm with my lady for a very long time. I always better, sir. Yeah. You know, wonderful.

Sal Vulcano
You've known. You've known her that since back. You too. Sorry, I shouldn't have said this, but she's wonderful. I'll say that.

Theo Von
But beautiful. He's my best friend. That's. I was gonna say. Yeah.

I was gonna say beautiful. Then I'm like, dude, you can't say beautiful to the guy that's. You say cute, right? It's cute. Weird.

Sal Vulcano
Anyway. Yeah. I'll never tell. I didn't say anything. Yeah.

I. Honestly, dude, I. I'm so, so private. I just never want to. Privacy is, like, the last thing I have, you know, once I give it away, I can't get it back.

And it's just weird because I've spent, you know, a decade on television as myself, and so there's, like, there's a different type of filter between me and the people that enjoy what I do and stuff, and there's a familiarity, and it's, like, good and bad. So some people are, like, just very curious because I'm. I am so private, so that kind of brings stokes curiosity. But then also just sometimes people, like, they just feel like they know me, and so, like, there's a little bit of a line crossing. Very private.

My whole life, so this is, like, to the umpteenth for me, you know? So, like, I just keep it. I just keep that to the vest because it really. What is. What does it matter?

What does that detail matter? Right. It doesn't matter. You know, and I. But it's.

Theo Von
But you also want to be able to speak freely about your own life. I do. That's exactly right. That's exactly right. And I.

Sal Vulcano
I do want to talk about my own life, and I was. What I was saying was my next special that I'm working on now. I am going to, like. I want to do it on my own terms and stuff. So I am, like, it's gonna be speaking about, you know, her on stage and stuff, so I was like, you know what?

I just got to, like, you know, just put it out there and stuff. Yeah. It's important. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, it's.

Theo Von
It's. It's interesting. It's like, you want to be able to be yourself at the same time. You want to protect the few things that you have that I feel like, that they aren't public and protect her. As a person, because, like, you know, you know how, you know, the Internet is and all that stuff, it's just like.

Sal Vulcano
It is, you know? And I just, like, I don't like it. You know, I want to keep the people I love the most away from it, you know? But there's a sense of me that also wants to speak about my life and, you know, and, you know, I mean, like, I love her. She's my best friend.

I talk about her, but, like, she's always like, you know, if you say. You say, you know, but, you know, she's like, I don't mind if, you know? You know? And I'm like, I just want to say, good. Once I say it, you know, it's just a thing, you know, I don't know if I make more of it than it should be in my own head, but, yeah, dude, I've never really said it, so I think one other time.

Theo Von
Yeah, well, yeah. Thanks for talking about it, man. I felt. Make me comfortable. Thanks, bro.

Sal Vulcano
Yeah. There's been times in my life where I didn't want to say that I was dating somebody because I would think. I was worried about what people would think or if people would try to find that person, you know? And. But then at some points, I felt bad that I didn't try and honor them a little bit more, you know?

Theo Von
Or if they felt like that, you. Know, that's the struggle I have, you know? And she's very understanding. She's the best. But, like, you know, so it's like that balancing.

Sal Vulcano
It's balancing all those things, you know? And so it's even, like, it feels weird for me to even say it out loud. Yeah. I can tell you it's a little bit nervous energy. Yeah.

Because once I was. You know, once it's out of the bag, it's out of the bag, but. We can always take it out, too. Yeah. 100%.

Theo Von
If you just. You know, if you think about that, totally fine. Right on. I mean, do you want to talk about building a family, or you don't want to go into that, you think you're okay? That's really going there, but I guess I'm going to do it as well.

Sal Vulcano
I mean, I don't know. That's. Yeah, I mean, like I just said, I have a kid is like. It's, you know, don't, like you have to at all. You don't like.

Theo Von
I think you have to or, you know, babe. No, no, I feel totally comfortable. I'm just saying to myself, like, do I want to? Dude, I have never, you know, really said it. It's like, you know, I just wanted, you know, but.

Sal Vulcano
And I. So it's. Yeah, it's just like, here it is. It feels scary to admit to yourself. You think?

No, I. I mean, if in my regular life. Yeah, I don't even, like, if you come up to me with my wife, this is my kid, like, I don't. That's real life. Right.

But why do people that see me for 22 minutes a week on tv need to know that? Why do people. You know what I mean? Like, in real life, I honor my real life, you know? But this is just, like, this is entertainment for you.

I don't know if I want to invite you in. Like, I don't want people to be, like, come up to me, like, hey, how's your wife? Like, it's like, you know, but that's a good point. Yeah, but so it's even, like, I think it's, like, more with the daughter. Yeah.

It's, like, super protective, you know what I mean? But. But I. It's the best thing that's ever happened to me. I mean, if I start talking about her, man, I'll get tears in my eyes and, like, so.

So that I love her so much. I want to express that, you know? Yeah. I'm so scared. I'm so scared to.

What do you think? Yeah, I don't know. You know, I don't have that response. I don't have that, like, something that I'm responsible for, but also, I want to. It's funny, I think about that a lot.

Theo Von
I think about, like, if I have kids, would I let people know? Do I feel like people need to know? But then also, do I want to be honest about my own life? But then who am I being honest to? Like, can I still just be honest to myself and be, like, a good family man?

I think with podcasting, I think it gets a little different because it's like, a lot of times we do share stuff that's real to us, and so then people get to know us in a different element. And you've been doing it so long, right? Yeah. Talk for so many hours, and then sometimes you'll see someone come up to you and they know something intimate, and you're like, oh, I guess I. Because we get so comfortable with each other and, you know, we're.

Sal Vulcano
And this is what you want to have a real conversation. Yeah. And that's, like, just so weird, because over time, when you've talked to 1000 hours, people can really, like, take notes and be like, oh, this is. They. They really know your shit.

Theo Von
Oh, I'll get notes at breakfast. I'll be eating somewhere. And somebody know, like, hey, man, I could tell kind of how you were feeling. Just shit that we were like, fuck. I'm fucking fuck.

Sal Vulcano
I know. And it is weird because, like, do I want to have this exchange with you? Right? It's sweet, but it's like, you know, do I want people to come up to me and be like, so how's your daughter? Right?

All the time, like, I almost like, I don't want to talk to you about my daughter. You know what I mean? You might not want to, but then she's also probably super. I mean, I know you sent me those pictures. She's so cute.

Yeah, man. God, that must be cool, huh?

Theo Von
She just loves you, you know? You hear it, you all. You know what it's supposed to sound. You know what it's supposed to be. You know what it is.

Sal Vulcano
You heard descriptions of it. You have it, you know everything. It's the best thing ever. It's hard. She's my best friend.

You do anything for your kids. The reason I live, the reason I breathe. You hear it all, but then when it happens to you, there's not words to describe it. So you 40? I had her 20 months ago.

And a thing I've feelings I've never felt. Imagine having a new feeling after 45 years. 45 years. A feeling I never felt in my life is unlocked. And it's the deepest feeling that I've ever had in my life.

And I love my family. I love my wife. What was the feeling? It's a feeling of inexpressible, pure happiness and joy that you feel like you are floating in the air, and it's overwhelming. You cannot process it.

You can't believe it. You can't process it. To this day, I can't believe she exists. Every day, I wake up, and I take a deep breath, and I look at her. I'm overwhelmed.

I've never not been overwhelmed. Looking at her. I've never. I've never been able to process my love. The love is so strong that I can't understand it.

It's tough, man. It's insane. Dude, that's awesome. It's. And it's just there, you know?

It's just there, and it's not gonna go anywhere. Oh, and, uh, I had gotten to some deep, dark places. Really dark. Did you feel like it was gonna, like. That must have been shocking, because you said that it's not gonna go somewhere.

Theo Von
Was there? Yeah. Like, fuck, yeah. Just to think that I. Just to think that I will have her, you know?

Sal Vulcano
And then my brain is such that then it gets dark, like, oh, then one day I'm gonna. I'm gonna be gone, and she's not gonna have me, and I gonna see how the. The second half of our life plays out. And then I go to depression, and I'm working on this as a weird thing where I could be like something so good, and then my mind wants to go, you're gonna lose it, though, one day. It's not gonna be that.

Or what? Okay, so then I'm not gonna know. This is deep, but, like, I'm not gonna know then how her story ends. Isn't that crazy to think about that? I.

The air I breathe is for her. And then to just think that, like, she might have a good 40 years on, hopefully 100 years on this earth post to me that I don't get to know. I don't. The thing that I care about most in my life, I don't get to know the end of. That's their.

Theo Von
Yeah. So it's like this dichotomy of, like, this deep. Deep. It's such a deep love, but it sends you. Because, like, if you get.

Sal Vulcano
If you let yourself go there. Yeah. Yeah. It's kind of wild, man. Right.

Theo Von
But that's also kind of a creative. And, you know, it's a. It's a deep thought, and deep thoughts are, you know, depth has darkness in it a lot of times. You know, the deep. You want to get into stuff, the more.

Sal Vulcano
Yeah. The more that can be in there. But. Wow. I've never even thought about that.

Theo Von
It's like, if watching your favorite. It's like you. It's like your favorite movie, but you don't get to see the half, you know? Right. But you got to make the movie, though.

Sal Vulcano
Oh, dude. It's like nothing you've ever felt. That's crazy. Yeah, I. The feeling that you said that it's not gonna go anywhere, that's.

Theo Von
That really sent me, man, because. Yeah, I think. I didn't realize till you said that there's this feeling always inside of me that. That it's gonna go somewhere, you know, that it's not.

You know, that it's not. No. Like, it's not reliable or something. I think it even goes back to me, like, not knowing how to, you know, you gotta check in and make sure people know you k. All the time.

Sure. Yeah. Yeah. It's wild that I get to wake up to. I wake up now at like seven in the morning every day.

Sal Vulcano
Like, you know, eight. But, like. But I was never a morning person. You know, I was never. I was a bartender.

I'm a comic. Like, I. I'm not that guy. And, like. And I wake up and I.

So here's another thing. I remember what it was like to feel naturally, organically, truly feelings of happiness, you know, whether it was just a general feeling or whether I got good news, like, this feeling that would emanate, like a joy. Like joy, like pure, though, right? You're all. You're a very joyous guy.

But I lost that. Like, and for a while, I got, like, you know, I was depressed. And I. I would register that I was supposed to feel happy, and I would say, oh, I'm so happy about that. But I would say, but that feeling is not here.

I'm telling myself that I'm happy and I'm happy. This is great news. Or this is. Oh, that's wonderful. Oh, I'm excited.

But this thing that I used to have where it's like you're walking around with a pep in your step and you're cheery and it's coming out of you. It's coming out of you. You're emoting it, it's beyond you, your body. You're not in control of it. You're happy, right?

You're not that you now lived life and, you know, oh, this is good news. I'm happy. I'm supposed to be happy, but it's not the same. No. And I stopped feeling that.

Theo Von
What happened? Although it's amazing. You're saying this is exactly how I feel. A lot of times I look at old videos of myself. I'm like, man, that guy was so happy.

Sal Vulcano
Right? And I would get really sad about that because it's like I have no reason not to be happy. I have such a wonderful support system, family, friends. I have so lucky in my life to do what I want in my career. I feel blessed every day.

Every day. I know how lucky I am. I take nothing for granted. And so why. Why then do I not feel that?

And. But the odd thing is, is that I can feel viscerally sad. I have immediate access to sadness. Immediate access. And I didn't used to it, like, flip flopped.

And if I wanted to sit here right now and talk to you about something sad, I could bring up something that said to me, and in 1 minute, I could be bawling and I could. And I. And I feel it like I feel it emanating, but the happiness, it's kind of like I had to either work at it or just, like, accept this new version of happiness. And with my daughter.

Theo Von
It'S free again. It's more than ever was. It's crazy to have someone pull that out of you. And it's. It's.

Sal Vulcano
It's. It's. It's a. It's at the ready, and it's just limitless. It's like, I don't need anything.

Anything. It's like, it's. I don't need to access it. If I hear her voice, if she walks in, if I look at a photo right now, something happens to my. Body, like, that's cool, man.

Yeah. Yeah. Even if we don't. I didn't mean to get into it. We could save this and you can give it to her one day, you know?

Yeah, I didn't mean to get into this, you know, like, I know that you. You know, it's cool with you. Like, I know you go everywhere on your podcast and stuff. No, it's okay. I hope your listeners are cool with it.

Like, I just keep it in. Like, I just. I know it's not all. Not laughs, but. No, it's okay.

Theo Von
Yeah, it's. Dude. To see that somebody. How much somebody cares about their kid, you know? Yeah, I think it's.

Yeah, it makes. Yeah. Cause it's funny. That's where I'm at in my life, is. I think I'm like, could I do it?

Like, would I be able to be okay? You will, you know, like they say is true. Everything is true. You never know. You think you're ready.

Sal Vulcano
You will never be ready. Yeah. Something just happens, man. You don't know if you could do it. You don't know if you're ready.

Will you be a good this? Will you be a good that that happens naturally, immediately? I mean, you. You're you. It's just something.

A switch flips and you. It's not. Could you do it? It's. I want to be the best at it.

You know? It's. The doubt is erased. The doubt is erased. You immediately.

Like, you thrive off of it, you know? Like, it's. It's. It's. It really is purpose.

I mean, all those cliches, all those trite things that people say, but it's true. You know? It's like, I thought I had meaning and purpose, and I, too. Yeah. I.

You know, like I said, I just. I'm so lucky. And I even, like, people aren't unfulfilled in certain areas, but I'm lucky. I love my job. I'm a comedian.

I wanted to be a comedian since I'm a little kid. A little kid is all I wanted to do. And I didn't even start doing it like this until very late in life. And I'm so lucky that I did it because I could imagine I could have never done it. It's all I care about.

So I always am blown away every day that I am a working comedian. Wait, my dream came true. Like, that's wild to me. Cause you could be a comic, too, and it's so hard to, like, stay the course and then to get by and make a living and all that stuff, you know? And I really don't think, what is the percentage of comedians that get to that level?

Like, that can say, this is my job. You know what I mean? Like, I don't know, but, like, I never would believe it. And so that's. So I feel like I have a purpose, and I, and I, and I, and I love my family and friends.

I am very self aware and reflective and everything, but then when I had my daughter, it's like everything just melts away. It's like there's just one thing that matters. It's so fulfilling, and it's a source of joy and energy and just the love, the love is a different level of love. And so it's not like, oh, I'm afraid, like, oh, I, you know, I hope I don't fuck this up. It's like, it's the best thing that's ever happened to you.

You're gonna honor it. You know what I mean? Like, you don't, like, you become a new person. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, I am. I am. I've had, I was late in life, so I feel like I was, I'm always getting, I'll never be, you know, always getting in touch with yourself and learning. But I did have a so late in life that I feel like I, you know, as to say, like, if I had a kid when I was 25 or 45, I know who I am more so in that respect. I feel good about that.

But, yeah, yeah, yeah, because you have a new title, you have a new job, you haven't, you have a new purpose, you know, and, and it's so beautiful because everything that this, that she consumes, how she learns life, how she learns what life is about and who people are and who she is and everything from just her brain developing and learning words and just to emotions and the things she observes and molding the person that she becomes and wanting to give her. Do better than you always want to do better and do better and, you know, and, you know, I'm always, like, trying to, you know, we fail, but trying to better myself. And, like, she just, like, it's like, on step on the gas, you know what I mean? Like, everything I do, I run through the filter of her. Everything now.

Like, I mean, like, it has nothing to do with her. I say, will this, if my daughter saw me doing this, if my daughter saw me working on this or talking to someone like this or speaking like this or handling myself in this way, like, will it make her proud? You know, set an example for her? And so, like, I just, like, I walk around thinking of that all the time now, and it's really great. It's really great to hold yourself to a standard, which I did before, but like I said, this is a deep, new level.

And to hold yourself to a standard, but want to do it and be proud to try and then be proud to, and then succeed at it, you know, like, and know it. Oh, I'm right. I have an integrity here. What makes you feel like I'm big on integrity, man, I had my whole life. And so as a guy who has always been on, like, my word, I give you my word, I'm honest.

Like, I've tried to be genuine. I don't fucking. I can't stand phony people I don't like. You know, I just. I don't.

I don't like people that aren't kind, you know? Like, I'm just very. I don't know, whatever my work, everything I do, I try the hardest I can. I kill myself with that shit. But, like, so, so being a person like that already, to then have the marker be her and how that.

How the person she becomes and how she thinks of me, what's gonna be her perception of me, that's the highest. And so it's like, it's like the Super bowl of, like, integrity. And it's a wonderful thing. It's not a hard thing. It's a gift.

It's like a gift. You know? This probably sounds so corny to people. I don't think it sounds corny at all, dude. And it's like, I know everyone says it, and I probably just sound like I just realized it, but it's like I said, it's just different when it happens.

Theo Von
We never talk about it on here. I don't have a. Yeah, I never really talk about, like, to friends about their. About kids or anything like that. And it's just funny because it's a place that I'm at in my life now and, you know, wondering how that'll look.

And it's just funny how, like, God kind of puts things together and is like, oh, well, how about this? Why don't I connect you with this awesome example of a guy who feels like he's got. Who's been bringing joy forever and found a whole new level of joy. This guy made 300 episodes of Joy, and now I trumped him with one episode of Joy. Right, right.

You know? Yeah, it's wild now it's outside. The episode never ends, and there's no commercial break. Oh, and so your special is. It's coming out next week.

Sal Vulcano
Yeah, it's great. It's called terrified. It's on YouTube. Sal volcano terrified on YouTube. It's on 800 pound gorillas channel.

Theo Von
Yeah, they're great, man. I made my first album with them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, that's. I'm super excited about it, man.

Sal Vulcano
And tour is going on sale the same day. Okay, nice. Yeah, I got the whole tour for coming up. She's. The next year.

Everything's fine. Tour tickets at Saville countercomedy.com. so it's a big week, you know? Yeah, everything. So hopefully people want to come see me.

Hope people want to come watch it and want to watch. Yeah. Thanks for coming and talking about that with me, man. Yeah. That's so exciting.

Theo Von
So to have a big tour heading out right on the back of the special launch in. And it's your. It's crazy. Your first special. Yeah, it's my.

Sal Vulcano
This is my first special and not my first tour, but, like. Right. No, no, I come out together. It's like. It's like a big, like, hold your breast day.

You know what I mean? Like, because it's been a long road. It's a long road for a comedian to get to his first special. It means so much. Yeah.

You know how. You know, I remember your first netflix one. Oh, people were so excited when you. Yeah. When you get a chance to do your first special, it's like, yeah, I'm doing this.

I. Dude, I worked so hard. I mean, I know. We all do. It's just like, I was in this zone, you know?

Never mind that it's like ten years of whatever the material, but, like, just the last, like, ramping up to it. The last six months, I spent hours on it every single day to the point. The day after I filmed it, I felt like I was gonna pass out because it's like, I can't believe I don't have to think about this thing. Oh, yeah. Getting meticulous with stuff, you know, like the way every little thing, you know.

Theo Von
Yeah. Getting it like that. And I. And everyone that worked on me with. I just want to say thank you because they did such.

Sal Vulcano
I had a huge team. It's. They did such a good job. I think it looks really great. Like, I just.

It's just. It's just I'm really. I'm proud of it, you know, I hope you. I'm anxious because, you know, like, you get, like, people that just. They don't care.

They hate. Gonna hate you no matter what. Yeah. You know, but I really. It's very.

It's personal, you know, and. Yeah. And then the tour launching with it, I hope it, like. I just. I'm just hoping for big things, you know, like stand, you know, I just.

Cuz I'm. Yeah, you know, I just want to go ahead. Like, I just want to be full on stand up and, you know, like I said, I'm lucky that we got another season of the show and stuff. But, you know, after that, it's kind of like what I. You know, what I'm jumping into.

But it's been tough touring nonstop, you know, with the show. But, dude, this is just like, I'm really. I'm just sucked. So thanks for having me. Thanks.

Let me talk about it and stuff. Yeah, no, it's huge, man. I mean, that's like. Oh, yeah. Getting your first special, man.

Theo Von
Yeah, I know. We just realized that your time. We got to get you out of here. Yeah, my flight boys in 17 minutes. I'm sorry.

Sal Vulcano
I didn't mean to run out like that. No, for another 2 hours, dude. Yeah, same. Same here, man. We can.

Theo Von
I'll have to come up and visit you guys. Please, and come and come over that. Come over the house, have dinner and stuff. Yeah, I'd love to, man. I love you, man.

Sal Vulcano
I love you, buddy. I'm just happy to get to spend time with you today. This is just. I told you I text you I was excited. So excited to see you.

You didn't disappoint. I always love catching up with you, bro. Thanks, man. Same. Congratulations on your first comedy special.

Thanks, bro. You started off a comedian. You still are, man. And thank you for all the years of entertainment. Salvo, can I appreciate you.

Now I'm just falling on the breeze and I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone on but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of my life out I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take a little.

E506 Sal Vulcano

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Episode Chapters

1: Introduction

2: Building Projects

3: Comedy and Careers

4: Health and Habits

5: Life's Absurdities

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