E504 Matt McCusker

Theo Von
I have some new tour dates to announce. I will be in Cork, Ireland on June 9 at live at the marquee. Tickets for this show go on sale Tuesday, May 21 at 02:00 p.m. Local time. We also have tickets remaining in New York, New York on May 31, Belfast, UK on June 6, London June 16, Idaho Falls, Salt Lake City and Las Vegas, Nevada.

We will be down there on July 5 and 6th for the 4 July weekend. Get all your tickets at Theo vaughan.com tour and thank you so much for your support. Today's guest is a comedian. He's a podcaster. He's the co host of Matt and Shane's Secret podcast.

He has a special that just premiered last year called the Speed of Light. He's touring now everywhere. I'm grateful to get to spend time with him. Today's guest is Matt McCusker. Shine that light on me I'll sit.

And tell you my story.

Matt McCusker
Shine on and I will find a song.

Theo Von
Well, what have you been watching? Do you been watching NBA finals or war in Gaza? More war in Gaza? Honestly. Yeah.

Matt McCusker
I haven't caught a lot of the finals. Yeah. But, yeah, I'm being bombarded with the footage of the war, opinions about it, everyone. You know, people have a different take. Yeah, people have, I guess a lot of different takes over there.

Theo Von
I don't even know what inning it is in, but I think it's in overtime. I think they've been going for a while. Yeah, it seems like it's kind of. Yeah. You feel like they.

A referee would step in. Yeah. You think? And mitigate. Cause it feels like.

It's like a ten run rule. Genocide over there. Yeah, that's the. That's. That's like the popular opinion that they're being totally genocided.

Matt McCusker
They throw out the kids, and you're like, damn, that's terrible. Yeah. Then you get people going, hey, why can't Israel defend itself? And you go, all right, that's. That's a fair point, too.

Theo Von
Oh, yeah. No, that's definitely a fair point. Yeah. I have no idea, man. I think it's.

Matt McCusker
I think it's awful. And it's like, I hear a lot of people talk about it with certainty, and I'm like, yeah, sure. Yeah. Anytime I watch a video about pro Palestine, I'm like, okay. I see that.

And then we had RfK on our podcast yesterday, and he was like, actually, Israel rules. And we're like, okay, those are good points, too. But it's. It's very bad, from what I understand. The footage I see is really bad.

And, you know, I just. I hope they can figure it out, but it looks like they're gonna have to. A lot more people are gonna have to die, and then they're gonna maybe figure it out. Cause the US could shut it down, couldn't they? It seems like we could.

Theo Von
Yeah, it seems like we could jump in and shut it down, you know, but we fund Israel. I just don't like that Netanyahu. I don't like. I don't trust that Netanyahu guy. Yeah, he's a shady character.

That guy seems like a. Just a. Just. Yeah, like a control pervert or something. Yeah, he seems like, for real a bad guy.

Matt McCusker
He seems like a real deal bad guy. Even if you just look at him like, oh, that's the bad guy. If you asked a four year old, right, like, who's the bad guy here? They would immediately point out that dude. Also, whenever someone's been the president for, like, 27 years, that's usually the case where it's like, all right, the US should go to war with both of them.

We should start bombing Israel and Palestine until they both stop, maybe. I don't know. I'm spitballing. I'm spitballing. I think I've always thought we should give Mississippi to Palestine.

That's not bad. One of them's gonna get Mississippi, loser gets Mississippi. Or. You know what I'm saying? Give Palestine a place here.

Theo Von
You know? That'd be cool. I'd be down with that. Cause then at least the people would have a place to be, you know, where they could true. Like, not be in competition, I guess, with their neighbors and live at peace, you know?

But. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know a ton about it. I just.

I just feel like a certain way, you know? Yeah, yeah. I watched Norman Finkelstein, and I'm like, holy shit, this guy. And I'm like, he's jewish, so he's got the inside track. And then I watch people talk about him, like he's.

Matt McCusker
He's a piece of shit. And it's like, dude, it's a. It's a bad thing. The student protests are crazy, too. Then you have peace demonstrations that fight each other over the issue, and it's like.

It's kind of larping, like when the college kids start. Like it's the new Renaissance fair, kind of. I mean, I hate. You know, I don't mean. And I don't mean to, like, belittle, like, that.

Theo Von
But then it's like. And then the craziest part was at Ole Miss, they started yelling, USA. It's like, really? Yeah. Which side was yelling, USA?

Matt McCusker
Oh, the frat boys. The frat boys. Yeah. Came in and they were gonna bring. Any of this shit around here.

They're kind of playing risk in real life. They were America. And they came in like, yeah, dude, fuck. Don't touch the flag. America rules.

Theo Von
Yeah. Yeah. I think when people start taking down the flag, I guess that makes total sense, too, you know? Yeah, you can fight about anything, really, you know, but that's one thing to go to a news story and just be like, all right, I'm this team. I'm gonna fight these guys.

I think sometimes you think, oh, maybe we're past war. But maybe that's just a side effect of living in America and not realizing that a lot of people still live in a lot of conflict, you know? Yeah, no, it does. It seems more and more ridiculous. It seems like back in the day, it was normal.

Matt McCusker
At least back then, slavery was a worldwide institution that everyone was like, yeah, this is just how it is. And I wonder if war is gonna become that in, like, 50 years where it's like, dude, you guys are going to war? It's like, that's shitty. It's like, we didn't know. Cause it is.

It's insane. But it's like, if someone attacks you, you have to attack them back to stop them from attacking you. So it's one of those things. It's hard. It's hard to stop.

It'd be nice. But it does seem more and more ridiculous, especially when you have, like, the politicians who are like, we gotta love everyone. We need to, like, include marginalized. And they're like, go bomb the fuck out of those guys. You're like, all right.

That's for sure. That's a weird change of pace, but. Yeah, yeah, that's a. Yeah. You start to realize, like, oh, this?

Theo Von
It's all a bunch of bullshit. Kind of like. It's all like, yeah, I don't even know what I'm trying. It's like, no, it's absurd. War is becoming absurd now.

Matt McCusker
Cause it's just kind of like, well. You can see why it's happening. I feel like there used to be this mirage. Like, we're fighting for the country and stuff, and now it's like, well, now people are like, what do you mean? You don't even care about our country.

Theo Von
Like, our government's just letting millions of people in. Eric Adams just said that they should let illegal immigrants. This is the fucking most insane thing I've ever heard. Okay. He said they should let illegal immigrants be lifeguards at pools, which is a job that is apparently in high demand because we don't have enough people doing the job.

Matt McCusker
That's. I mean, dude, I had a community pool in Philly that it would get shut down. Cause there were no lifeguards, and it used to drive me crazy. Oh, so it's a real thing. There are.

There is, weirdly, there's a lack of lifeguards in, like, at least in Philadelphia, there were. It was hard. They were hard to come across. I mean, it's pretty funny. But he said, because they're excellent swimmers, that states those jobs that we are in high demand, we could expedite.

How do we have a large body of people that are in our city and country that are excellent swimmers, and at the same time, we need lifeguards. And the only obstacle is that we won't give them the right to become illegal aliens. That you're saying illegal aliens are great swimmers. That's kind of like a setup for a pretty easy joke about, you know, mexican dudes. Well, Mexican, not Mexican.

Theo Von
They didn't, like, there's not even. It's all desert. I mean, I could see maybe Cubans. I could see, uh, Puerto Ricans, maybe Nova Scotians or somebody that would have to swim here, but. Well, that's the joke.

Matt McCusker
Isn't that the joke, though? Mexican dudes say they swam here across some river, but, I mean, I I would say. I don't. Did they? I think so.

But it could be. I could be wrong. I could be. I could be. Oh, the Rio Grande.

Yeah, I think that's, like, the final, like, in the Oregon trail when you have to do that final river. Yeah. I think that's the final thing they got to do, is. Well, that's not too. That's, like, knee deep, but.

Theo Von
Oh, wow. Yeah, maybe that is the final thing. There's some of them congratulating their friends. Yeah, they got it. They got to put out, like, an inner city Baywatch as, like, lifeguard propaganda to get people stoked on lifeguarding again.

Dude. Yeah. Why don't we have a Mexican Baywatch? Big breasty lifeguards. That's what I'm saying.

Matt McCusker
That was when lifeguarding was cool. Now, like, nobody wants to be a lifeguard because it's kind of like, you know, it's not as cool as it was. Ham Anderson. They could have. Yeah.

Just like a bunch of band aids floating in the pool. It'd be funny. It'd be tight.

Theo Von
Dude, I would go, I run across a border every day and just fucking start drowning. Get some CPR. True, dude. They gotta fire something up. Cause it does suck when you wanna go to a pool in your neighborhood and they're like, oh, we're closed.

Matt McCusker
And you're like, why? Like, we don't have lifeguards. And you're like, dude, you fucking serious? But how do you not have a lifeguard? Usually they would let a 15 year old or 16 year old kid who is taller than some of the other kids, and he took a CPR class or learned it online, they would let him be the lifeguard.

Theo Von
How was that? When did that stop? I don't know. I think it still is kids. I think they just don't want to work, I guess.

Matt McCusker
I don't know what it is. Cause it's easy. It's a cake job, dude. You're just sitting there on the high chair. Do you have a lifeguard?

No, I've just. I've watched them. I've been watching them for a long time. But it's like. It seems easy.

You just chill in a pool. It's easy. The ocean is real. Yeah. Pool.

It's like, dude, just keep an eye out. Make sure nobody drowns. Oh, yeah. Pool. That guy wasn't watching kids.

Theo Von
A lot of times, it seemed like he was just trying to smash, like, any chicks or moms or whatever. Like, there'd be four drowning kids and he'd be over there fucking just doing chest compressions on a divorce. That's the perks of the job. That's crazy. Kids don't want to do that.

Matt McCusker
It's probably, like, $15 an hour hooking up with moms. Sunshine. And it's the best. Your body is probably the healthiest you're gonna be. You still have exosomes.

Theo Von
You still have, like, cord blood in your system or whatever. Yeah, man. You got the young. Yeah. Like, the platelets and all that stuff.

Yeah. And you can also do that thing where everyone has to, like, public pools. You all have. Everyone has to get out for some reason. They'll be, like, out on, like, every hour.

Matt McCusker
Like, everyone out of the pool. Yeah. For no reason. Everyone gets back in. So you could, like, start letting a couple late, like, you guys stay.

You guys out? Yeah. Like a water bouncer kind of. Yeah. Hot chicks in first, you know?

Theo Von
And at that age, you were so primed, you could just point at your dick and it would ejaculate. You know, when you were like, 15. Yeah. You're doing like. They're like, at least the ones on the beach.

Matt McCusker
They do like, insane conditioning, too. Yeah. So, yeah, man, they could. You could be. You're jacked.

You're ripped. I think kids just aren't jacked that they're not as jacked anymore, so they're probably ashamed of their bodies. Yeah, they're pale and kind of like, you know, not as ripped as they were before. You think so? Yeah.

Kids are not ripped like they were. They all wear fucking shirts now. Every little kid at the beach wears a fucking sun protective shirt. It's like, let me see your pecs.

Trying to see how they're built. I want to make sure we're not dedicated to beach. There's a picture of a kid I met years ago and we kept in touch over letter. We've been pen pals for a few years. Really?

Theo Von
Yeah. What was he wearing? Oh, he wasn't wearing much. He was kind of a thicker kid. I think one of his parents had passed away.

Matt McCusker
Oh, damn. He found it. Bring it up. There we go.

Theo Von
And that kid was like, nine. One of those big kids. A big nine year. That's good, though. That's his cocoon.

Matt McCusker
He's about to totally morph. Who's the dude? That's me, buddy. What? Yeah, bro.

When was this? That's back when you could wear what you wanted. Before the government said everything. When was. Dude, you look great, man.

Theo Von
Thanks, dude. See, that's what I'm saying. That kid should be more ripped than you. Just by laws of nature. I mean, again, I'm not shaming him, obviously.

Matt McCusker
I was a fat young kid, too, so. Oh, that kid ripped into some cookies. Dude, that dude was a fucking snack daddy. He was a little fucking snack serpent. Were you fat when you were younger?

Theo Von
No, I was fat. I remember there was like one fall or something. Everybody in our town got fat or something. I think something bad happened and then everybody got fat. And then, like, in the spring, everybody kind of thinned out.

Matt McCusker
Yeah, 7th grade's like peak fat. 7th grade for kids, you get really fat and then puberty kind of like, shoots you up. Yeah. Did you. Did you go through a thicker time in your life?

Yeah, I was pretty chubby. I wanted to play football and I stopped growing, so I was like, I'm just gonna get huge. So I did, like, the gallon of milk a day thing in like, 8th grade going into 9th, and I just got fat as hell. I was like, super fat. I just got fat.

And I got cut from the football team. Yeah, you're just drinking a gallon of milk a day, dude. You're a newborn. They used to say that if you drink a gallon of milk a day, you just put on tons of mass. Now, you know the cozy shack rice puddings?

They're these big tubs of rice pudding. I would crush one of those every day. Bring up a couple rice puddings, dude. Cozy shack, that was my shit. I used to crush them in class.

Theo Von
Mmm. So I got really big. I just wasn't tall enough. I played d end and then I stopped growing. I'm five'ten.

Matt McCusker
Yeah, those things, man. God damn it, man. Were they good? Yeah, they're so good. You guys ever eat cozy shack?

It's good, man. I used to crush a tub. It was like nine servings. And I would sit there in class and put it down. They called me fat Matt.

I had, like, a serious fat period. Really? But I did own it. I really owned it. My screen name, my AOL screen name was Fat Matt.

Oh. Then I got kicked off of AOL because I had written something. It was like a rap lyric about gun violence in a chat room. I was just like a beastie boy song. And then Columbine happened the next day.

So someone reported my day before post as, like, goading Columbine. I didn't do that. So I got kicked off a. I got reported. My parents kicked me off AOL, and then I came back.

I got kicked off like a year at least. My. I think my parents restricted me for that long. I came. New screen name, fatmat strikes back.

That one came back. Yeah, I came back. Oh, yeah, like the Jedi or whatever. Return of the fed. I did.

I got kicked off of Aol, man. Sucked. That was the shit after school. Just putting up your chats. There's the girls in your class.

You'd be like, yo, what's up?

You didn't do the AOL chat, the instant messenger? No, I don't know what I did. I usually just went home and felt bad about myself for a couple hours, but yeah, I would have probably rather do it online to other people. But then we started this podcast. That's how we do it now.

Well, you could go back then. You would go on instant messenger when it was time for dinner. You put like an away message. You'd be like, you come up with something cool like, yo, I'm not here right now. I'll be back.

Theo Von
Yeah, at the mall. Yeah, at the mall. Did you crush the mall too? When you were younger, have to go to work. Dude.

We used to go camp outside of the mall. Cause it was about maybe the mall was probably 17 miles away. It was kind of near this pizza hut and damn, we would go camp out there. So we'd go on Saturday, bring a tent, camp out and go back in Sunday morning and just do everything that they had in there. They had all types of shops for a while.

They had a, what was that one that had all the stuff for kids kind of, or weird shit. It would have a lava lamp and then. Oh, Spencer's pride flag. Yeah, Spencer's. Yeah.

Yeah. You can get like a dildo. They just sold like dildos and lava lamps and like attitude posters and shit. Yeah, it was like you can do it, you know, and there'd be a dildo and like that isn't even. What is this about?

Matt McCusker
They had like gag gifts. You can get like the small pecker condom which was like a teeny tiny condom and like handed to someone. They'd be like, oh dude, what the fuck? Yeah. Why'd you do this to me?

Theo Von
It was the worst. Yeah, or you could get like a condom that had like pepper on it. Just shit. That was like, you know, and you'd see somebody cutting one up into like a bowl of chili or something. Like nobody knew how you used some.

Matt McCusker
Of the products there, dude. Yeah, Spencer's was like blacklight alien post, like wildly sexual gifts. Yeah. And yeah, it was the, it did. Well man, that place, that story was around forever.

Theo Von
They had, I believe they had some racial gifts too, I would imagine. One time I saw a hat there. I remember this. Anyway, I saw a hat. It said the n word on the front, right on the back it said just joking across the back.

And I'm like, first of all, and we're like trying them on or whatever and I'm like the odds of first if someone sees the front they're going to get pissed, right? The last thing you want to do to that person is show them the back. Turn your back to them, dude. They're going to beat the shit mid punch. Like oh shit, my bad.

Matt McCusker
I know you're just fucking around.

That's crazy. Yeah. What happened to Spencer's? Let's find that out because that is. I feel like they get bought by hot topic maybe.

Theo Von
I feel like that also sound like just two gay dudes at fault. Like hey, Spencer and hot topic are fucking, you know, flailing it out over there. I used to work in the mall. It's like a. For real, it's like a, it's like a subculture.

Matt McCusker
If you're a mall employee, you talk to the other mall employees and you guys, like, trade discounts with each other. I worked at a candy stand in the mall for like, three months. I had a bad thing. I want to know more about it. Let's.

Theo Von
I want to know what happened to Spencer's real quick, just so we should go ahead. Please, please, please. Spencer's gift was founded in 1947 in Easton, Pennsylvania, by Max Spencer as a mail order catalog which sold an assortment of novelty merchandise. Wow. The company moved all mail order and fulfillment operations to Atlantic City and Jersey in 1960.

Still have 650 stores. Wow. Whoa. Seagram bought them. Oh, they acquired Halloween.

Halloween. Spirit of Halloween, which is a seasonal retailer. That all makes sense. Spirit of Halloween's are a nice hustle. You open up for like, three months, make like, probably $70,000, and just shut them down.

Matt McCusker
Yeah, I like, I've been peeping those out for a while. Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting into something like that. That would be nice, man. They're cheap, they cost nothing, and you can use them year after year after. They don't spoil.

Theo Von
Yeah, but then you have a garage full of Freddy masks all year, and you can't park in your. In order to park your car, you. Need a big storage space. It is fucked up to have that many Freddy masks, that many bloody plastic butcher knives. True.

Matt McCusker
That would be kind of dope. Yeah. The worst part is you can imagine you coming in, you're drunk a little bit, right? Or pilled up or whatever. Some.

Theo Von
Or people in your family are pilled up, or your pilled up son drives into the driveway, right? He hits a couple of the boxes, dude. And one of the boxes is those ghosts. That's like, that might scare the whole fucking box. Just starts making that sound.

Matt McCusker
Oh, my God, that'd be the mash. Just motion activate it. The chorus of your car hits a box, and it fucking just activated it, dude. And it's like 40 of those bats just singing. The graveyard smash, dude.

If you can't. Especially a lot of warehouses, businesses go out of. They go out of business. And then it's like, if you're like, renting warehouses, they're always full of, like, a shit of a failed business. So you could be like a dark warehouse by yourself and like, what is this stuff?

Yeah. And you just get motion activated on, like, 25 green eyed cats. Businesses are fucking gay, dude. I think. Honestly.

Yeah, they suck, man. They do suck. Think about it, dude. They are. Yeah, I were I?

Dude, I was totally. When I was younger, I was completely anti business. I would work retail and I would steal. Unfortunately, I would never do that now, but I used to steal badly from. If I liked the person, I wouldn't steal.

If they were mean, I'd be like, all right, then. We'll see about this. And I could figure every place has, like, a giant loophole on the cash register. Like, if you. There would be, like, a thing where it's like, free baby cone.

If, like, a baby comes up, give them a free cone. But if anything rang up to exactly, like, $20 or 25 where you didn't have to make change, you can just hit free baby cone. And then when you go to go to the register, just crumple it all up and, like, stuff it in your shoe. It was bad. It was.

Yeah, it was very bad. I feel bad about that. Have you ever gone and made peace with those people or seeked them out? No. Cause they were my enemies.

They were for real. Were my enemies. So what kind of place was it? One ice cream shop. Brewsters?

Theo Von
It's not like either fucking good people. Well, the manager, they were great. They were fine at the candy place. They were for real dickheads. They came.

Matt McCusker
They only wanted high school girls working there. And then there was a manager who did a bunch of the place. The place was called, like, scoop nuts, which is kind of funny. There was this lady hired me. She had, like, put in sweat equity, all of this stuff.

And. And she was saying, like, they were trying to, like, get rid of her, you know? Again, it's all allegedly. I don't want. I don't want the scoop nuts franchise to attack me.

But finally, it's all rumors. It's all rumors. But finally the owners came in, and they were just being father, who hired you? Why are you here? I was like, look, I'm Matt.

Yeah, dude. Like, I'm trying to make money. Like, trying to make a living like everybody else. I need gas money. And then from then on, because when I thought the lady owned it, I was straight as an arrow.

And those two dudes came. They were like, the lady was like, they're fucking me, you know? This sucks. This is bullshit. I'm so sorry.

I was like, no problem. I knew my time was limited, so I cashed up big time. Yeah. How much did you take from, you think, or allegedly take from, if you even did it? I mean, it would have been.

At the time, it seemed crazy. Cause I would leave with, like, $70 a shift and be like, holy fuck. That's a lot. I was crushing them. I was.

I was getting after. I was getting. Cause that register you just typed out, you weighed it and typed the amount. So I'd be like. It would weigh at a certain thing and I was just taxing it.

Theo Von
Who would order $70 worth of nuts on album? Yeah. Wouldn't be. It would be like everything was five to $10, but then I could just be like 250. I could just type it in the register.

Baby, come. Baby, come. Baby, come cut the fucking weight in half, too. I feel bad. If I ever.

Matt McCusker
If they ever reached out, I'd obviously. Just say it to them. Now. You can talk right into that camera. I got it, man.

I probably owe them like, $500, which in high school was a lot. You're rolling. Insane amount of money. That's what I'm saying back then. Now that's like almost 20, 30,000.

True. With inflation. I bought a house. I bought my first house off. You have a boat.

Theo Von
It says nuts scoop on the back of it. That's the name of it. But they were probably fine guys. I was just getting information. When you're 17, you don't know what the fuck's going on.

Yeah, but you know if you should steal or not. Yeah, I was bad on that. That was my fault, for real. That was a weakness of mine. Theft was a weakness, dude.

I love to steal. What was it about stealing, man? I would try to, like, let me think of some things that I stole. Dude, I stole a buddy of mine's boxer shorts one time. He had some nice ones, right?

They were from, like, gap or something, or, like, I don't even know what they had. I think they had.

Or something. I think there was from gap, or maybe they was made out of silk. Oh. Oh, God. It was nice, that fucking.

Matt McCusker
Yeah, yeah, I had a pair of them. They're nice and silk to even. Yeah, it must have probably took 70,000 spiders to make these fucking boxes, right? Like, it was stunning. And I stole him and then wore him to his fucking house.

Theo Von
And he's like, dude, those are my boxers. And I was like, no, these aren't. No way, dude. You're crazy. And then he was always like, I don't know if he was gay, but he was always trying to take him off of my body.

Matt McCusker
True. That is fucked up. He was trying to do that. Yeah, so that's. So you guys were just getting changed, and he was like, yo, those are mine.

You're like, yo, stop looking at my dick, bro. This is crazy. He would try to take him off me. I'm like, even if I'm a thief, dude, that doesn't mean you should be gay. True.

Two wrongs don't make it right. Yeah, dude. So it's just that kind of activity in the community. Kind of change in the scope in our area. I had a dude who.

I knew of, a guy who. His friend had stolen something similar. His friend had stolen his favorite t shirt or something he really liked, and he's stolen it. And he was like, give it back to me. His friend wouldn't give it back.

He's like, fuck you, blah, blah. They're, like, messing around. And this dude went into his house, and the kid had a hot sister, and he stole a pair of the sister's panties and then went to the dude and was like, yo, you know, I fucked this chicken. Check it out. And hit him.

Hit the panties. And he went, awesome. And then he's like, I never told him. Yeah. He's like, it's so diabolical.

He told me. I was like, I mean, you definitely won that battle. But I was like, that's. That's a heavy cost. That's a heavy cost to win the war.

Theo Von
And that's the kind of shit that's happening in Gaza, dude.

Matt McCusker
It needs to stop. Yeah. We need to send force right now. What the crazy thing is over there? It's like, I don't know.

Theo Von
I don't know enough about it. I need to have people on that know about it. Yeah, but they're all. The problem is, usually they take one. Side, so then you're just one of each.

Matt McCusker
Then they just fight. Dude, this guy, you know, Destiny, he's on every podcast. Separate episodes. Yeah, it's him. Yeah, true.

He's on separate episodes. But you get, like, two really fast talking guys, and they just, like, go on these, like the Abraham Accords of 1974. You're just kind of like, I can't tell who's winning right now. It's tough. Separate episodes, I think, is what I need.

Theo Von
Cause I wanna know more. Okay. I thought you were saying he's on everyone. Yeah, that. Yeah.

I wanna have two guys. Separate episodes. Yeah. That's. Cause I wanna know more about it.

It just feels fucked up, like, in my heart. Like, if I ask my heart what's going on here, it's like, palestine. You gotta free Palestine. I don't know how, though. It's like, you have to.

Or. I know that's just the term, but it's like, yeah, I don't know. Cause it doesn't seem like they're bad guys. No, but then there's the October 7, and that's horrible. Well, the problem is the Hamas distinction is tough, because then the Hamas, they say, hides within the civilian population, but then the civilian population elected Hamas.

Matt McCusker
But then, if you, like, look into why. It's like they got, like, bombed terribly. So they're like, all right, well, then fuck you. Right? Yeah, man.

It's one of those things. It's like. Dude. And apparently there's, like, other genocides going on, too. That's not the only one.

Theo Von
Oh, really? Yeah, I think so. I think there's some other terrible wars going on. I could be wrong, but I think there's some other ones as well. Yeah.

Matt McCusker
So there's a lot. There's a lot of them. I think they're always going on, too, which is terrible. Oh, there's one in Wyoming. Genocide warning.

Theo Von
In Manupur, India. Okay. Israel. Hamas is up there. Genocide watch.

Matt McCusker
Turkey's obstruction of aid to Kurds. Genocide alerts. This is currently from genocidealerts.com. That's a website. It's kind of.

Who bought that? This is fucking unbelievable. Imagine if you bought that in 2020. What world do we live in? Does this show up on your WHOOP bracelet or something?

Theo Von
This is unbelievable that we have a website called genocide alerts now. So you wake up in the morning and you check genocide emergencies and warnings. 2024. Current alerts. Israel, Hamas in Gaza, Manipur, India.

Matt McCusker
I'm looking for the PayPal link at the bottom. Yeah, that would be the top. Like, send $5. We'll keep fighting these.

Yeah, dude, there's more. Oh, that's 2022. Okay. So there's nothing too. Too many.

Just wonder. I wonder if we get accurate news about it, too, though. That's the thing. I mean. Yeah, it's pretty tough, man.

It's like coming out of a. Usually some sort of dictatorship on one side or the other. Yeah. Dude, I don't know what's going on. Like, if you ask me about, like, Texas politics, I'm like, I don't know.

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Well, you started out, obviously, working in ice cream. You started out working in theft. Theft? Yeah. Yeah, it was theft.

Matt McCusker
Ice cream. Retail? No, I. What retail do you work out at? It was really just Brewster's and the candy place.

I did, my family did construction, so I did more construction growing up, but it was like I got a couple retail. I kind of did almost every. I worked in an office for a couple months, did retail, did construction. Pizza delivery. The pizza delivery.

Yeah, I was pretty chill. Pizza delivery is pretty crazy, dude. Yeah, I was delivering pizza in a bad neighborhood, too. And that's like, scary as fuck. I had multiple not.

I had multiple instances where I had, like, same time, a pie with the cash. It was crazy. It was. Yeah, it was not good. I used to cook.

I was the cook, too, so I would cook. I was there by myself. I would cook, and then I would lock the store, then go deliver a pizza and have to, like, all right, let me see that. It was crazy. It was unbelievable.

Theo Von
You basically a one man business. Why were you working for somebody else? It was my cousin shop. He started a pizza shop, dude. I was like, yeah, I'll do it.

Matt McCusker
And I had quit the office job. I was at a sales job, and I quit that. I was like, dude, I can't do this anymore. Did you ever sell telemarketing? Did you ever sell, like, tony little gazelle freestylers to people on, like, my buddy used to do that.

Theo Von
My buddy had to work for his dad one summer, and his dad owned, like, a call center, and he had his call and sell with his Tony. Oh, he was doing those, dude. He had to sell Tony little gazelle freestylers, dude. And it's basically just like. It's almost like a.

It's like a swing set for people who could be. And I don't like to say this word out loud, but. Retarded, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's a swing set.

It's like a bi leg bipedal swing set for people that could be retarded. It's like, for people that are afraid to ski, right. It's basically. It's like this. It's like wives, one of those things.

It's like, so you can practice as a wife leaving your husband. It's like, that's how you would go. Right. It's like every wife that wanted to leave their husband, but they were afraid they would just get on this for an hour. Yeah.

Matt McCusker
He would just pied piper them away. Yeah, that thing's crazy. My buddy had to cold call people and try to sell it to him, so. Dude. But also, they had numbers that would go in, that people would call in, and we would call in all the time, dude.

Theo Von
And he had to do, like a. Like a 32nd preamble, right? When you call, dude, he would do it, and we'd be like, quit.

Matt McCusker
Did you ever do a call center? No, man. I worked at. We had a pizza place, too. I worked at one called BJ's, and then there was another one, born again crustian's.

Theo Von
It was a pizza. Like a dude, that's nice. It was pretty cool. It was like, this church had started a little italian pie area. Dude, I sold italian food door to door with a dude.

Right? There was this guy my mom, they went on a date with, and he was like, he wasn't even italian. Mustache. Like, that's kind of the part of the south we were in. Like, if somebody had a mustache, they were italian.

We're like, what do you mean? He has a cleft palate? Yeah. So anyway, but I had to go door to door with him, and I was just like, his assistant or something. I would get like, $2, but he would just sell, like, italian, like, frozen stuff to wives or whatever.

And then, dude, I swear, sometimes I kind of remember he would just leave me alone for. And I know he was, like, talking to these wives, like, just like, dirty business, but let's get into it. I sidetracked it so mad. So that's what you were working in? Yeah, I was doing.

Matt McCusker
I grew up mainly doing construction with odd jobs. And then I went to school for psychology, and then I tried to. Well, I did. I dropped my psychology major, then switched to business just because my friends were in business. So I was like, I'm gonna go chill with my friends.

So I switched my whole major to be in class with my friends. Really? Yeah. It wasn't good. It wasn't a good idea.

Looking back on it, I'm like, damn, I fucked up. Cause psychology is like, you gotta go to school for, like, seven more years. And I was like, yeah, fuck that. Like, all my friends were in business. I'm like, I'm just gonna do that.

So I was like, I'm gonna go to school for business. And I assumed if I went to school for business, I'd automatically make $100,000 a year. This is what I told myself, I'll make 100 g's for sure. And, like, 2008 came the market, real estate market collapsed. But I know I started doing standup when I was, like, 23 in Philly, okay?

So I would do it. What I would do is I'd do stand up for like, six months, and I'd be like, fuck this and stop. Do it for like, nine months. Fuck this and stop. And I just did that forever and ever and ever, so.

And then me and Shane started the podcast, and I had still been doing stand up back then. I was doing stand up a lot, so I just got divorced. Oh, you did? Yeah, I made a really. When I was younger, I was like, 26 or seven.

I, like, got engaged when I was younger, and I was like, no more of this bullshit or funny business. I'm gonna put my best foot forward and be a husband. And I just fucking failed, dude. Like, I couldn't do it. I.

For real, though, I just thought that's what you do. I'm like, yeah, it's time to, you know, quit fucking around. I, like, try to get. I was, like, a personal trainer at La Fitness. I was, like, selling weed.

Like, it was bad. It was bad. It was bad. Wow. Well, you're entrepreneurial, it sounds like.

True. Yeah. My family are all entrepreneurial. My dad owned his own business. All, like.

They all did their own thing. So I grew up with. That was just kind of drilled into me, like, you have to work for yourself. Wow. Yeah.

Which is cool. That's kind of cool. Yeah. But they also. Everyone works.

Like, working 60 hours a week was, like, the norm. My dad was always like, 40 hours is part time. He's like, you do 40 hours weeks, you're a part timer? Yeah. I was like, hell, yeah.

Theo Von
Somebody said Jesus only worked, like, 30 hours a week. Who said that, huh? Who said that? A bunch, like, pretty. Bring it up.

I know a lot of people said, bullshit. How many hours a week did Jesus work? Look it up. 30 kind of is the perfect dude. Dude, I could tell you a lot of shit, dude.

I heard, honestly. Frederick Douglass, like, dudes, bro. What? Yeah. And nobody wants to say that shit.

Matt McCusker
Frederick Douglass. Damn. Really? Yeah. Are you breaking it?

Theo Von
I don't want to out the dude, but. Free at last.

Matt McCusker
It took me. I had to go through, like, my database of people. I thought at first you're talking about Michael Douglas. And then I went, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Different guy.

Different guy. Damn. He was totally different guy. Possibly fucked. Way different.

He was possibly fucking dudes. That's crazy. I mean, again, it's not that crazy, though. No, it's not. Cause think about it.

Theo Von
If you're like, I'm gonna do something different. I don't wanna have slavery. Right? I'm gonna lead my people to a different direction. And especially a lot of more men, I think.

What percentage of slaves were males? That's a good point. Never thought about that. Also, he was an outside the box thinker. He was, you know.

Right. So he was like, you know what else? I might literally. Okay. Whoa.

Matt McCusker
It's 179. Damn. That's like 100 females. It's like China. So that's definitely a good way to meet dudes, probably.

Yeah. Sausage party. So, yeah. The underground railroad was a sausage party, dude. Fucking bullshit.

That's fucking bullshit. No, that's fucking bullshit. Yeah, that is bullshit, dude. Because. Yeah, that's crazy.

Theo Von
The fucking underground railway was a sausage party. Oh, I bet dudes were hooking up, bro. Probably. Yeah. Once they got.

Matt McCusker
Yeah. Especially going to, like, the East coast. You get there, it's probably, like, liberals. Hell, back then, it's, like, liberal. It's probably very.

Not at all, but, yeah, that's a. That's fucked up. I didn't know the ratio is so off. I assumed it was one to one. Me too.

Theo Von
Yeah, you just kind of think that. Isn't that funny? Your brain just kind of thinks that. Yeah. Like, why?

Matt McCusker
If you really think about that for, like, two more seconds, you're like, what happened? Like, there's a reason, like, China has suppressed female births. You're like, how did that work out? You know? There's no way they were being born at that rate of male to female, right.

Theo Von
They just chose to suppress it. Yeah, that's fucked up. Apparently in Rome, they used to just throw babies in the trash. Like, nothing. Huh?

Matt McCusker
Sparta, there was, like, a badge of honor. If you had, like, if your kid came out, like, a little bit defective, you were supposed to just, like, toss him in the trash and everyone be like, nice. No way. Cause they're like, that's how we'll keep us strong. Yeah, well, shout out to the Jews.

The Jews were people back then who were like, that's wrong. And they didn't do it. They would tell people not to do it. Yeah, they're like, you don't throw kids out like that, dude. This jewish lady used to drop her kids off at the McDonald's in our town and fucking.

Theo Von
They would stay there all day long. Really, dude? Yeah, those kids were there every day, and I think one of them was mentally disabled or something. So people were always saying that, like, he dropped him off there and it wasn't cool, you know? Yeah, that's not nice at all.

But I think. Yeah. Even a couple of someone, I think more than one of them might have been mentally disabled, but also, most of our town was fucking mentally disabled, dude. Like, you don't realize when other people are, like, mentally disabled, people stay in one area and fuck, you know? So all that's gonna happen over time of that area is just, like, a quagmire of intellectual cul de sacing, you know?

Matt McCusker
Yeah, dude. Especially when you find out about, like, Asperger's. I've come to the. Well, I've actually. It was alert.

It was, like, brought to my attention. I kind of believe my one cousin, I think my entire family has Asperger's, like, my entire, like, a touch of it. And, like, she explained this and I was like, damn, dude, you're right. We all have Asperger's. Yeah.

And I was like, you know, kind of. It's good to know. Not, you know, I'm not trying to jump on the bandwagon, but it's like, I'm talking about, like, just a tiny spider bite. Like a little we definitely. Enough.

Just enough, dude. Just some fucking freckles on the cerebellum. Because we go to family parties. It's just data dumps. It's just like, you're sitting there, like, waiting to tell someone what you're into, and they're like, oh, this week I actually did, like, I paved a patio and, oh, cool.

Actually, my podcast. And we just. Everyone just data dumps on each other. And it was like, all right, later it goes home. Yeah, I feel that, dude.

Theo Von
It's kind of nice, but, yeah, it's definitely. Times are changing. Things are blurring. I mean, we have. Illegal aliens are going to be the lifeguards at the swimming pool.

That guy's crazy, dude. I almost fucking love the dude now, though. He's like, we have so many open lifeguard positions and. Hmm. So many good swimmers that are illegal.

Matt McCusker
It's such a funny. Yeah, he didn't even have to go into that detail. He could have been like, yeah, we're going to open it up. Apparently I read a book and they said, we're gonna have to start actually enticing immigrants. Once we have.

Once the baby boomers die, rip, we're gonna have a huge population dip. So our immigration policy in, like, 2040 will most likely be us begging immigrants to come or competing with other countries. Other countries who have severe population dips. Like Europe, Canada, China is gonna get crushed. We're gonna be courting immigrants from, like, Africa and Latin America.

Theo Von
Really? And they. Please come here. Yeah, that's what the guy said. The population dip's gonna be crazy in like, 40 years.

Matt McCusker
They said there's gonna be. Houses are just gonna drop. Cause we have so many houses once baby boomers. There's so many more baby boomers than the other generation, so. But what are you talking about?

Theo Von
Cause people have been saying that overpopulation is gonna be an issue. That's the thing. It's not at all. It's not going to be whatsoever. Well, this is the first time I'm hearing of that.

Matt McCusker
Yeah, it's kind of good news. I mean, it's kind of cool. Yeah. But it's also. I'm just realizing that the last time I heard it was somebody just told me it, and then now you're just telling me this.

Theo Von
So it's like, I'm telling you. Overpopulation is a myth. We're not. Look it up. Is it over?

Which. What are we doing right now? Overpopulation or underpopulation? According to the US Census Bureau, the civilian non institutionalized population has grown at a rate of 1.1% over the past 40 years. Yeah, that's baby boomers.

Okay? And then they. Once they die, the developing world is still having kids like that, but all of, like, Canada, Europe, Asia, like, no one, any developed country has maybe one to two kids per household, and the baby boomers are having, like, five. So you just do that math, and it's just like, the population just spikes. The brothers are smashing, though, dude.

A lot of them are definitely having some fucking kids. Yeah, for sure. There's definitely. They're, you know, but they're on average, but, yeah, they're definitely. They're crushing it.

And the Mexis are smashing, dude. Smashing up. And they should. Yeah, they should. Oh, definitely, dude.

I don't know how they do it. Usually if I come home from a hard day's work, the last thing I want to do is fucking smash. It's tough. I don't even want to jerk off sometimes. That's how sad I am after a.

Matt McCusker
Hard day at work. Yeah, it's like, I won't even jerk myself off. It's like. Yeah, but I guess that's good. Probably there's nothing sadder than somebody jerking off, kinda.

Yeah, it's really. It's weird. Especially before work. Jerking off before work is just like. It's pretty tough.

Theo Von
First of all, if you do that, your WHOOP bracelet should let the cops know.

Matt McCusker
There's no reason they track you like the COVID tracker. Everyone's phone dings like, this guy just fapped. That would be terrible. There's no way we're far from that, though, dude. Once they get something in our that can detect, like.

Theo Von
Cause we don't do a lot. We're hungry, we jerk off. We have cancer. Right? It's like we're not doing a lot of crazy shit.

Matt McCusker
You know, they could figure. And with your phone data. I'm paranoid still. Cause they say they're just looking. They're, like, tracking your facial expressions and what you're looking at at all times.

Theo Von
Damn. Takes one rogue engineer to be like, bing, got em. And you're just. You on your camera, like, with what you're looking at, just print it out. And they can be like, bam.

Oh, that they watched you watch porn. You mean. I mean, they could. Apparently, all of our data is being watched, but it's being watched en masse. But you would think, like, if I'm Zuck, I could definitely be like, okay.

Where is he at? And get, like, your ip address. And they. If you give them your ip address, they can go on your computer from their computer. I'm just changing mine then.

Matt McCusker
Yeah. Gets a VPN, I guess. But, yeah, but the VPN's. A lot of them are made by Facebook in those companies. Yeah, that makes sense.

Theo Von
That was like, of course they're gonna make a VPN. Remember signal and all those, like, you ever use those, like, burner phone apps on your phone? Yeah. Still use them. So those apparent, there was one in Europe that was like a.

Matt McCusker
It was like, the app to use if you're up to, like, no good. And it was just set up by the government, and they caught people, like, committing murders and ordering hitmen and shit. So, like, yo, we got a safe line. I need you to kill a guy. And the government just collected all of it and just busted everybody.

It makes no sense because people who sell drugs, like, hit me up on signal, and you're like, yeah, dude, they can get this. Like, no, it's crypt. It's encrypted. It's like, yeah, I guess, man. The craziest thing that happened on signal, I got on a signal one time.

Theo Von
So is like, you gotta get on signal, and I accidentally hit the thing where it's like, let all your contacts know you're on signal or whatever.

For like, four days. I. People were like, what are you up to? Just crazy shit, huh? It is funny to see who's turned.

Matt McCusker
When you open signal, you see who of your contacts are in signal. You're like, all right. That's what's up. You just get to find out who's living kind of a seedy a little. Doing something seedy.

Theo Von
Yeah. Who's willing to. Who's willing to risk it all? Yeah.

Yeah. There's, like, signal wechat. But, yeah, that's a funny thing. People just have total faith and, like, hit me up on signal. Yeah, all right, man.

But, dude, imagine you're screaming for help in a pool, and the guy who fucking supposed to help you doesn't even speak English, dude. He thinks you're just doing a fucking TikTok dance or something. I mean, they'd probably be on it, though. They would probably jump down. Yeah.

Matt McCusker
I mean, dude, I'm all in favor of that because I've been burnt too many times by lack of lifeguards. But, yeah, just. God damn it. That it's such a. Such a strike politically.

It's just such a strange cause. It's like, all right, bro. I feel you. We can get into lifeguarding. Yeah, but we have.

Where I live, there's no lifeguards. We have, like, neighborhood pools. No, really? No lifeguards. It's pretty tight.

Theo Von
Yeah. Going to a pool by yourself, dude. I remember, yeah. Being at a pool by myself once, and I think I got nervous or whatever, so I went to masturbate. They had, like, a little pool house in there, you know, and some guy peeked in the bathroom when I was in there.

Matt McCusker
What? Yeah. And then I was like, oh, my God, dude. Made me so nervous. And then I had to go back out.

Theo Von
It was just me and him just swimming in the pool together for a while, dude. Yeah. This dude would just blatantly see me masking, masturbating in. Oh, man. In Atlanta, I will say jerking off.

Matt McCusker
Fresh out the pool kind of hits different. If you get out of a pool and you jerk off, it's slightly different. Something that has to do with, like, getting a lot of sunlight and then jerking off. I swear by this. Like, leaving the beach at, like, lunchtime to jerk off.

Theo Von
That's insane. WHOOP. Bracelet, that is. I've done it. I'll be honest.

I've done it. It's crazy, dude, your skin's all warm. It's nice. Yeah, I guess there is different cool times to do it, huh? To a full moon.

People used to do it a lot when I was growing up. Full moon would be nice. That would be definitely the day after that. People would be just warped fucking. Just, like, gave it all they had.

So how did you meet Shane? Cause you and Shane started Matt and Shane's secret podcast, which is last year, was the highest grossing podcast on Patreon. Yeah, it's crazy. It's insane. It's unbelievable.

Matt McCusker
When you start them, you check the data and be like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Then at one point, you stop checking, and you see you're number one. You're like, what the fuck? I look, it just.

It's surreal. But we met, so we were both doing stand up. It was 2014. I had won Philly's funniest. He comes 2015.

So I'm, like, thinking I'm hot. A white guy. The Caitlin Clark of Philly. Huh? Yeah.

Well, he came in, and I think he won it, 2015. So I. We met in 2014. I just won it. I'm, like, really feeling myself.

So I'm at a show. It's funny. Cause I'm like, dude, this is crazy. So I go to a show is above an ice cream parlor. So I'm just.

Yeah, I'm lording out above the ice cream parlor. Like, leveling up, literally. Yeah, it was funny, too, because I think the. The owner was crazy. It was a whole debacle.

But so I. He had just moved from Harrisburg, and no one knew who he was, so he came from Harrisburg. Wow. And I'm watching him, and he was. Headlining, and I would come on a horseback or something.

Theo Von
I mean, the story of Shane Gillis had to be. Well, it was crazy. Cause again, never seen him ever in my life. Watching him do stand up in 2014, and I'm going, holy fuck, this dude is so fun. He had back then.

Matt McCusker
I remember specifically, he did a joke. I don't remember what it was exactly. It was a very sensitive topic. Lost a crowd, and I was like, oh, I guess he's done, dude. Two minutes later, crowds cracking up.

He brought him back, and I was like, whoa. And then we started talking after that. He's like a famous burr set in Philly, dude. It was crazy. And then he.

We, like, started talking after the show. I was like, dude, that was awesome. And then he showed me a video of a guy getting eaten by a bear, and then I showed him a video of a guy jumping off a roof, and we just totally clicked up. So that was for real. That's how we met.

And then we started. We got a house together with a couple other comedians, like, pretty shortly afterwards. See, and girls hit guys are hard to figure out. I feel like it's like, meet me above an ice cream parlor. That's what I'm saying.

Theo Von
Show me a video of something eating something else. I'll show you a video of an animal attacking something, dude. And we're good, and let's start a family. Yeah. And I was like, freshly divorced.

Matt McCusker
Air mattress, I think, actually, we met before I'd gotten totally divorced. Did you lose a lot of stuff in the divorce? I had nothing. Yeah. I always hear people like, she took so much from me, and I'm like, bro, I had no.

It was embarrassing. I wish I lost stuff in the divorce, dude, I had nothing. You're still sending her stuff every now and then. I should, man. It was real.

It's fucked up. But I just didn't I didn't have anything, but I, like. Do you remember the day you left in the divorce? Dude, it's the saddest day. It's for real.

The saddest. Cause she's a nice. She was a nice lady. She sounds beautiful. She was a very nice lady.

I just. I couldn't do it, dude. Like, it was one of those things where I was living a life that it wasn't my life. That's the only way I can explain it. Like, I wasn't.

I was meant to do other stuff. I could feel it, and it was just like, I tried my best to get jobs, and I'm like, dude, I can go the straight and narrow. Let's get a regular job. That's all I want to do. My dad was like that.

Like, have work at a place, come home, have kids. I was all for that. I just couldn't. I was, like, warped. I couldn't do it.

I tried. So you really tried. You made as much of an effort as you could. As I could. But I learned I was severely handicapped in terms of, like, relating.

Like, I didn't. You don't realize how bad it is until you, like, live with a woman for, you know, a couple years. Handicapped at what? I'm sorry I stepped on you. Like, emotional relation and trying to, like.

Like, see things from other people's perspectives. Like, I was totally unequipped, but that day I left frill was one of the saddest. It was, like, the saddest things ever. It was like I was crying. Where were you?

I was in Roxborough, so in Philadelphia. Like, just some area. Philly. It was cool. I liked the house.

We had a dog. I love. Yeah, we had a dog together. Fuck. And who did the dog come in your car?

Theo Von
Stage? It's. It was her dog. It was her dog first, to be fair. But, yeah, she was.

Matt McCusker
She was really nice, man. It was just. Talk about taking the dog. Nah, man, I wasn't gonna do that. That would have been heartless to be.

Theo Von
Like, when you said bye, like, was there a hug? What was that kind of, like, final kind of moment? Like, just sad. It was just like, goodbye, you know? Did she come out and walk you out, or you said bye?

Matt McCusker
Inside, she was kicking around, so it was kind of like. There was a last glance, and it was frills. Like, it's etched into my memory as one of the saddest days of my life because I had never really felt anything about stuff like that. Like, my relationships before that were, like, I would just develop a girlfriend. We would just be, like, hooking up, and then I'd be like, oh, fuck, I got a girlfriend.

And, you know, it was, like, very, very disassociated. I just go through the motions, this. I was, like, trying to put my best foot forward. That was, like, the first time I really, like. I was like, oh, I get what people are talking about.

Like, with experiencing, like, serious heartbreak and all that stuff. Just burnt you down? Yeah, crushed me. For real. It fucking crushed me.

Theo Von
Were you crying before you got in the car, or did you cry? I was crying on the way when I left. I wasn't crying before I got in the car, and then I was crying on the way. It's hard to get the key in the thing sometimes if you're really fucking crying. Yeah, dude, I was crying.

Get the first. Get in reverse and all that shit. It was brutal. Wait till I'm in forward for. Yeah, and then I had to walk the dog every day because I was like, look, I'll come up and walk the dog while you're at work.

Matt McCusker
Like, don't. I didn't want her to stress about anything, so I came back. Go back in the house during work. No one would be there, and I'd walk the dog, and it was just. Just consumed with guilt and just horrible feelings.

Theo Von
Wandering through your old life like a fucking ghost. Yeah, for real. And I'd want. I love the dog, too. And the dog looked.

Did the dog know, you think? I don't know. It was definitely pumped to see me. It was always kind of pumped to see me, but I don't know. I couldn't tell.

Like, it was maybe in a sae or something. What's sae? Sigma alpha epsilon. It just sounds like the dog was in a frat or something. Like, it didn't have any fucking.

Just pump to see you guys. If it was pump, I would take it for a nice walk. It was definitely a pike or something. Exactly. It was definitely a pike.

Matt McCusker
But, yeah, it was for real. It was a big eye opener for me, though, man. That's when I started being like, okay, like, there's. Cause when you're younger, you're just so in your own head where you're like, I'm the only person with feelings that matter in this world. Then you really encounter the depths of somebody else's, and you're like, oh, this is serious.

To just fuck around with people's lives. So that was a big eye opener for me. I did the air mattress on my brother's house for a while. That's heavy, dude. It reminds me, I was in love with a girl in high school, right?

Theo Von
When I was a senior and I was in New Orleans. I remember I decided I was going to go away to school in university of Arizona. And some people where I'm from had never even heard of Arizona, right? They didn't believe in it. People.

Like, I showed it on a map and they just, you know, they just called me a mat. Like, it was crazy, some of the stuff that was happening. And I remember just, like, she and I were, like, crying, like in her living room or whatever. Yeah. Oh, her mom let me.

This was crazy. Her mom let me stay over the last night I was there, right? Mm hmm. But her mom's like, no funny business. You guys can sleep in the same room, like, in the family room, right?

Matt McCusker
What's that about? I don't know, dude. But here's the crazy part. So anyway, somebody started some funny business, and then I'm walking to go get some water or something or get some piss out of my wiener or something, and her mom's sitting right there in a chair. What?

Yeah. Fuck, man. Still feel horrible about that. And you could see that my wiener was still like, wiener in there. Yeah, you were pumped up.

Yeah. Oh, God, my wiener was like, it's a party, it's a party, it's a party. And I was young. Did you say anything, you know? Huh?

Did you say anything? No, but I still feel how she'd felt. Yeah. I can still feel it. But she loved me.

Theo Von
She loved the mom, loved me. And so she had, like, some respect for me. She knew that I really loved her daughter. That's more, though, that she knew what you guys were, you know, she has to have some. But at least she was close enough there in the distance, almost like a bait, like a bird mom.

You know, like, hey, I'm gonna hang. You can stay in the nest, but I'm gonna be right here on the bridge just in case anybody falls out and breaks a wing or something. True. Yeah. She get a rush in, like, yo.

Yeah, just in case somebody fucking tries to put a worm in the wrong place, you know? But what happened was then I. The next day I told her, buy it. Like, this gas station was this big sad thing, and we're both like bawling, crying, dude. Yeah.

Matt McCusker
Fuck. And then I drove off and my fucking car overheated, like 600ft from the gas station, dude. And I had a fucking caller, dad, come help me. Dude, that fucking sucks. Cause when your car overheats, you think if I drive faster, it starts to cool down your engine?

Yeah, but, yeah, that shit sucks. That's embarrassing. Oh, it was horrible, dude. I remember pouring cold water through the fucking air vents, trying to get it in that way. I've tried to do that a bunch of times.

It sucks, man. It just drips out. Just. Yeah, there's that shit of just that heartbreak, dude. Yeah, I had a real low point the one day when I was.

Shane was laughing about this when I was telling him, but I like, at a real low point, driving home the one day from walking the dog, I'm crying. I would cry every day. I'm crying all the way home, driving down Kelly drive. And that's, like, in Philly. That's a big, like, outdoor green area.

People jog up and down there, and some dude have really short shorts on. And I like, pull. I stopped at a light and he, like, looked in the car, and I looked at him, was like.

I was crying. Oh, that's the Philadelphia national anthem, dude. Calling some other dude a. He was, like, looking in the car, and I was like, what are you looking at? Like, try to slam his shorts.

And I was just visibly bawling. And I was like, it's a low point. I remember just being like, what the. Fuck was that all about, dude, dude, straight dude crying. That's a hot dude to a gay dude.

True. He was probably just a dude wearing regular athletic here. He might not even. Yeah, that's true. I like to think I didn't hate grandma guy while I was crying, but I think he was straight as.

The guy was straight as hell. The guy was so straight. He said, short song, dude iron. I was fucking crying. Yeah.

Theo Von
Oh, obviously he's in the wrong. Yeah. Dude iron. One time I was driving and I'd been drinking, right? Cause it was.

I think it was daytime or whatever. And I'm cruising, and the cop had pulled somebody else over on the side of the road, and he sees me literally. I think he was just drinking out of a taco vodka bottle. No shirt, dude, right? Just ripping it in a 1984 Ford Escort that was.

Had the passenger seat stolen out of it, right? So anyway, I'm cruising, dude. He points at me. He's like, pull over, dude. Right?

He's like, he's dealing with that ticket. So I pull over, and then I'm like, fuck this, dude. I'm out of here. And I just pulled off, dude, you got away. Yeah, they never caught.

Matt McCusker
It's funny. He was like, yes. Come here. I'm gonna give you a DUI? When I'm done with this dude.

A lot of guys get away from cops. I've heard of a couple people, but now I just take off and it's like, I'm surprised. I thought everyone gets caught who does that. But, yeah, people get away. Yeah.

Theo Von
A lot of cops want you to just get home safely, I think in the end. And sometimes they gauge on how to do it. That's so funny, just to be like, fuck this. I'm out of here. You can be a better you.

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Theo Von
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That's f o r the people.com this past weekend or dial pound law pound 529 from your cell. This is a paid advertisement. So you, so you. You and shane start the podcast. You met in philly, and shane, you and shane started the podcast in philly or in philly?

Yeah, in philly. In philly. And then he, at one point, he went to new york because I had, I, like, got to the space where I was like, I like podcasting better than stand up. Cause I was just frustrated. We're the same city all the time.

Matt McCusker
I'm in philadelphia doing the same shows all the time, and I'd like either host or feature. I think back then I might have been featuring, I forget, but it was like the same thing. I'd meet a headliner, they'd be miserable, and I'm like, is this. Is this my fate? Like, it's just like, you, just because a lot of the headliners I met hosting were for real miserable.

Yeah, like, very sad, very disgruntled. And I'd be like, whatever. So I got disillusioned with stand up, and I was like, I just want to do podcasting. And then at one point, I was like, I want to pursue psychology. So when he went to New York, I went back and got my masters in social work, because I did.

Again, I was like, dude, I think. You dropped back in and got it. Yeah, this is the way my mind works. I was like, I want to get back into psychology. What's the easiest way to do it, to do talk therapy?

And I looked it up. In social work, if you get your masters and then work under somebody, you can get licensed and open your own practice. Wow. So I went to school for social work while Shane was kind of blowing up in New York. And we're still doing the podcast.

Theo Von
We're still doing it, what, by train or something? Every now and then, he would come to Philly. Back then. Yeah, it was crazy. It's insane because.

Matt McCusker
And then eventually, I started driving to New York. But for a while, he was coming to Philly every week, and I was just kind of like, okay, cool. I didn't. I didn't make that drive like that. When I started driving to New York, I was like, dude, you were doing this for two.

This is insane. He did it for a long time. Did it for like a year or two. No way. Yeah, man.

He's the man. That is a hard thing. People don't understand that type of a commute. That's insane. Commute.

Theo Von
I mean, how far is that commute? 2 hours on a good day. And if it gets traffic, you're kind of like 2 hours, 33. Yeah, it sucks. It's a hellish.

Matt McCusker
And it's through the worst parts of New Jersey, like. Like heavy industrial. It stinks. Oh, yeah. Awful.

It's a. It's for real an awful, awful drive. Fuck yeah. Yeah, it's 2 hours and twelve. That's like, normal.

That traffic up there near, like the bridges and shit. And then in, you know, New York, I'm sure, you know, you just sit in fucking traffic. Yeah. You just sit in there fucking furious, looking at somebody else and that. And that guy's crying and he calls you a.

Theo Von
The audacity, dude, it's crazy to call you a fat. It's unbelievable. He must have just laughed, like, all right, man. Whatever that guy's got going on, everybody. Nowadays just calls everybody a.

It's like, I feel like if you try to do CPR, somebody's dying, right? And they'll be like, hey, get off me. They'd rather die. They'll use their last breath these days, especially in New Jersey, dude. Somebody will use their last breath to call somebody a.

Oh, yeah, it was. Yeah, I mean, it was heavy duty. Was polite back then. That was like, you have, you know, that was like the handkerchief around your neck being like, you know, that's like. That's like, kind of, look at this.

Beautiful. But no, man, I did. I went to school for social work. And then it was funny because I'm doing it, and I was kind of, again, like, confronting the fact that, like, oh, I can't really be in normal polite society. Cause you go into, like, you drop into like a regular, like, job type place and you feel like an alien.

Matt McCusker
Especially the longer you do stand up and other things. It's like you just feel out of place. I did it. I liked it. It was cool.

It was a cool experience. But it was like, very, you know, like, Jordan Peterson came out and was like, the schools are out of control. They're losing, dude. I also would watch a lot of Jordan Peterson at the time, and I was like, I'm kind of curious to see if that's real. So.

And then when I went back to school, I was like, dude, he was totally. It was insane just how, like, woke they got. Oh, dude, it was great. Like, you'd be in class and a lady for no reason would just be like, well, we'd be talking about, like, social issues. And she'd be like, I would never call the cops on a black guy, ever.

And I'd be sitting there and I'm like, I couldn't help it. I'd be like, ever? What if he was beating up a woman? Like, why ever? It's crazy.

So I would get in a lot of those kind of arguments in school and then. And I'll even text the cops if I'm even meeting a black guy sometimes. What? I'll text the cops. True.

But, yo, just so you know. Yeah, FYI, meeting a couple brothers, chill. I'll keep you updated.

Dude, it was crazy. I went there and they were just, you know, that kind of stuff. And I'm like, all right, keep your head down and chill. But I couldn't help it. I kept, like, arguing with people in class.

It was kind of fun, honestly. And then it would. Dude, it's. They're like 24 year olds being like, this is what I think. And you'd be like, that's what you fucking.

And you could just smash them. Yeah, that's what you fucking think. I fucking want that ice cream, Paula. Yeah, dude, you don't know shit about the world. Ever fucking broken your heart in somebody else's?

But no. Then I did that, and then Shane got the SNL thing right at the tail end of my schooling. And were you bummed about that or excited? I was pumped. I've always been stoked like that.

But when he got the SNL, I was like, hell yeah. And he goes, buckle up, they're going through the podcast. And I was like, I didn't know what he was talking about. I'm like, yeah, whatever, it's not that bad. And then that whole thing blew up.

So I was like, in school, like. Cause I would get mentioned in bylines of, like, podcast with. And nobody put it together until very, towards the very end. A girl in my class had read the article and was like, that's you. And they try to kick me out of school.

Theo Von
That guy hates chinese people or whatever. Yeah. And all the proof was, you know, I had been arguing against their, you know, in my idea. You know, it was kind of like unrealistic liberal value. So I'd been like, you guys don't know shit about anything.

Matt McCusker
Fuck that. Fuck. And I'd been arguing the flip side of their coin the entire time. So when they saw that, they're like, bingo. And they try to kick me out.

Theo Von
And then we had a smoking gun. Yeah, they got me. But it was like, and then I had to stay. It was honestly one of my favorite experiences ever. I had to go before the board of the school and I got to do one of those like trial by.

Ooh, that's cool, man. It's other adults who I've been looking forward to that. It's like you wear a suit? No, I just wore my regular clothes. But it's like that court fantasy where you get to like do your represent.

Yourself a court when your briefcase nothing in there. So I have to have that waters in there. Two Fiji's. So I got to do that. And then.

Matt McCusker
No, and then it was just like I finished COVID happened, so everything kind of just chilled. We finished the last month or so online anyway, so it was like, yeah, that was cool. Did you believe in COVID or not at the time? No, I didn't do it. My whole family didn't either.

My mom was like, let's hang outside that one time. And then after that she was like, come inside. This is bull. None of my family got vaccinated. None of my mom, my uncles, nobody got it except for anyone who worked in the medical field.

Theo Von
Dude, I had a buddy broke into a cv's and got like 30 inoculations. Dude, he was addicted to inoculation or whatever. Dude, this motherfucker hasn't had a sniffle in like six years. Dude, he's good. He's set.

Oh, this guy? Yeah. How was you sketched out by the whole thing? I was like, dude, it's new. I'm like, I'm already.

Matt McCusker
I'm like a hypochondriac as it is. And I'm like, I'm way less scared of viruses and like medical intervention. At first I didn't think it was real. Yeah, but then I'm like, oh, people are really dying, so there must be something real. But then also it seemed like that they messed up and killed a lot of people with respirators that would not have died.

Yeah, I remember hearing about that. Yeah, I got. Did you get it? I don't know if I got it or not. I remember I couldn't smell for about eleven months, but I don't know.

Theo Von
But oh, yeah, and I had the antibodies. When I went to Rogan's. One time I got tested, I had the antibody, so I must have had it. That's tight. Yeah, you probably got it at some point, but.

Matt McCusker
Yeah, I got it. I got rocked. But it was only for like two days. It was a bad fever and then I coughed up like weird liquids for, like, a month. Then I was fine.

So my wife was pregnant at the time, so I'm like, your wife was pregnant? She was pregnant. So then it was kind of a medical experiment. Like, should I get it? And, like, I'm like, I don't know what this shit is.

So we were all just like, dude. Let'S just take a chill. Let's get the fucking antibodies and just. And you have. I've met.

Theo Von
You have a darker wife? Yeah, pretty much, yeah. Safe to say that. Safe to say. Yeah, yeah.

Beautiful lady. Very charming. Bridget. Is that her name? Brittany?

Brittany? Yeah. Brittany? Is that her name? Yeah.

Yeah. Was that. Did that ended, like, just growing up in philly lead you to that, you think? Dude, I don't know. Chocolatey bride, kind of since I was a little kid, it's almost.

Matt McCusker
There's. My only theory is. Cause in grade school, I, like, dated a mexican lady, and I've dated everybody. I've dated white ladies, everything. But that was definitely.

That was something I was drawn to, or black women forever. But my only theory is, my mom was super Christian. She still is super Catholic. So she blocked MTV, vh one, all the music channels except for bet, because she didn't know it existed. So that was the only music channel I had grown up.

So as my formative years, I just watched rap video after rap video, and I think it might have had some sort of effect. Yeah. So that's better. Have my money. That's.

Theo Von
Yeah. Why that's so interesting, dude. Yeah. Dude, I remember I made love to a woman who was pretty much black. Right.

And.

Yeah, it was definitely. There was, like, more in the muscle or something. I don't know. Yeah. You felt you were impressed by the experience.

Matt McCusker
What do you say? Pretty much. He was like, what do you. She said she was black. I believed her.

True. You know, I'm not. Yeah. I'm not fucking looking at paperwork or whatever. I'm not fucking proving.

Yeah. No, bracelet was like, blick, you know, it pops up on there. Yeah. I just. You know what?

For me, they definitely won out for me as well. They won my heart. Collectively, they won my heart. Really? Yeah, I just.

I don't know what it was, man. It was just like. You like, what you like, you know? Oh, yeah. I think I was afraid, probably, of black girls growing up.

Theo Von
They had a lot of the black girls in our town and stuff would get knocked up by the black guys at a young age. Yeah. So all of our black girls disappeared at around 13 years old and got pregnant. Yeah. And they come back and they're different.

And then they come back and they're just different. Or they just like, yeah, they have a child now, or they have, like, baby milk on their shoulder or whatever. And also, I think they had to defend themselves against, like, a, like, black, like, dudes in their town or whatever that were, like, trying to, you know, get with them when they were young. So I think they were more into the whole, like, communicating with guys nature. So I think, like, a lot of times they would, like.

They were just more advanced. Like, the black kids in our school were more sexually advanced. They just had sex earlier and stuff. So I think that was intimidating. The black girls were intimidating because they had more experience.

Matt McCusker
Yeah. It's funny, sometimes you talk to a black guy, he's like, I got head when I was ten. And you're like, what? For real? I'm sorry, dude.

It's okay. This place just went out of business. We're good. It's true. You do hear that a lot.

You're not wrong. I'm sorry. Yeah, you're fine. It is crazy, bro. If somebody put my wiener.

Theo Von
Okay, that God made for me, that I kept in my pants for him, if somebody put that in their mouth and I was ten years old, dude. Oh, my God. I would have. I would have lit a fire in our yard and made smoke signals. It's over.

For God to come help us. It's over. It's over. I don't know how. It's crazy.

I would have hit him with a wrench or something. I just. That would have scared me so much. So that's what. So.

But, yeah, so that was kind of crazy. Sorry. I don't know if I spit on you or not, but. No, you didn't. It was fine.

Matt McCusker
It was good anyways. Yeah, that. Yeah, that kind of stuff's pretty crazy. And then I know I get the intimidation factor. I do get.

But I always, whenever I, like, will see people, and I always just assume. I always see, like, softer sides of. It's something I've had my whole life where all I can see, like, kind of, like, I don't know, I always can see people. Softer nature because people present one way, then you're like, with them, it's totally different. Oh, I would marry a black lady, I believe.

Theo Von
Or semi black or whatever. For sure. Off black. I mean, there's so many. I mean, I've long been of the belief that we're gonna.

It's a beige future, right? In four generations, everybody's gonna be beige. Everybody. That's still alive or whatever. We're all gonna be beige bitcoins.

Matt McCusker
True. You know, that we'll have no sense of faith or hope anymore, but that's where we'll be. At least we'll be able to text each other online. I think we might be in for, like, a massive spiritual awakening, though. It's coming.

Well, there's rumbling. I can detect rumblings. I like that attitude, man. There was one thing I was gonna say. What were we just talking about?

Being married, having black wife. Oh, yeah. I would date a black woman. I would marry a black woman. I would date a black woman, dude.

Theo Von
I'd probably maybe marry a black woman. I think when I was a kid, I thought that that wasn't a real possibility or anything. That makes sense. I see that. Oh, that's a possibility.

Like, I think also, just from where I was from, they didn't have, like, a lot of interracial dating at the time. You know, it was even, like, you know, I lived in, like, the. I lived in the Philadelphia suburbs, so it was, like, very, very, very white where I was growing up. But, like, even in college, some of my friends would come up to me and be like, that's crazy, dude. They, like, couldn't wrap their head around it.

Matt McCusker
And it wasn't, like, a hateful thing. They were just like. It was just a mind blower. They'd be like, bro, that's crazy. The funny thing to me, though, is, like, black dudes were always like, hey, man, you scared to date a black chick?

Theo Von
And I'm like, you aren't dating a black. Every fucking black dude isn't dating a black chick. But the first thing they say is, oh, you scared of some of that black chick? They get hyped on you. When they see you with a black chick, they'll get hyped.

Matt McCusker
And then sometimes they'll be like, you're an easy target. I can kind of like, I'll fuck with you, or they'll do, like, a hard checkout on your baby. You have to just go nuts. You gotta get. You gotta go white boy crazy.

Theo Von
Yeah. So if they do like a damn, you have to be your fucking. You have to spaz because you can't. You can't tolerate that. So you gotta.

Matt McCusker
I've gone white boy crazy a couple times. Yeah, you're like, I'm over here doing your job. Well, dude, apparently black women and asian men are the, like, asian women tend to date outside the race a lot. Black men date outside the race a lot. But black women and asian men tend to not date outside their race a lot.

Theo Von
So, like, the yin and yang twins or whatever, like, what are you saying? No, they're just so black and asian do not date. Well, black men will date outside the race, where traditionally black women tend to not date outside. Oh, wow. So it's just that.

Matt McCusker
And asian women date white guys a lot, but a lot of asian men don't date outside of the race, so it kind of, like, fucks you up in the dating pool. Yeah, so. But, yeah, I think black women are coming around, though. But, yeah, they were. They were fiercely loyal.

It's still. You get a little. People are. You know, it does. Some people don't like it, obviously.

You know, you get. People are, like, big into, like, black love where they're like, it's not the same. And I'm like, whatever, man. That's your thing. Yeah, so, yeah, but, yeah, it's not your fault.

Exactly. I don't. I don't feel any kind of way about it, but it's just like, you know, celebrate that if you want. That's fine, you know? But it's like, dude, I remember the.

Theo Von
First time I, like, even, like, I was working out with a buddy of mine, a black guy, right? And he, like, touched my hand. He was helping him spot me or something, and I was like, damn, I never even touched a black dude's hand or nothing. They have beautiful nails, too, dude. There's like a.

Matt McCusker
There's like, a level of, like, black coolness where you grow one pinky nail long, so you can crack a blunt with your long pinky nail. It's pretty. Wow. Yeah, it's like. It was like a evolution of the coke nails, but you can kind of just.

Theo Von
Oh, that's cool. Yeah, you just crack a blunt with a long. Oh. Being like, definitely. There's a lot of parts that seem super fun about it, and then there's some parts, and I'm kind of like, man, yeah, that's.

That part that is not for me. I couldn't handle that. It's definitely. I think it's easier than black dude dating a white chick because everyone's just kind of like, you know, people just. People just kind of, like, way first when you first meet him will, like, kind of giggle and be like, oh, you like.

Matt McCusker
You know, you like black girl. You know, shit like that and, like, kind of dap you up and you're, like, sweet. Whereas, like, I feel like the. Maybe black. Maybe it's different now, but back in the day, like, being a black dude, at, like, a white family party, there was definitely some uncles hitting you with, like, icicles in the eyes, just glaring at you.

Theo Von
What you doing over there? My one friend was a black dude, and he was dating a white chick, and he said her brother would ask him, like, weird shit, being like, what do you think? He would get drunk and be like, we should. He was a wrestler. And he'd be like, let's wrestle right now.

Matt McCusker
He'd be like, bro, chill, man. Like, we don't have to do this. Yeah, yeah, it was. So dude's gay, probably. I think black dudes aren't threatened by white dudes as much as white dudes might be threatened by black guys.

Theo Von
Well, yeah, because they don't have to be, because they can always beat up white dudes. Yeah. Bigger dicks. Statistically, bigger dicks can beat you up. Some of that's a rumor, first of all, I've heard, but it's.

Yeah, a lot of the ones on the Internet, yes. They've done condom sizing studies. And, like, it's not as much of a difference as you think, but there's. There's a difference, dude. The last thing I would want to have is some big old long dick bothering me all day, dude, I hear you on that.

Matt McCusker
Yeah, I'm high and tight. I'm ready for action. I'm ready for action at all. I'm ready for action at all times. Oh, I'm fucking.

Theo Von
I got that. John Stockton, homie. Dude, I'll help you out, bro. I'll try to assist you, and whenever you're headed, I'm here, dude. I'm ready to run.

Matt McCusker
I'm in sport mode. What was I just gonna ask about? Yeah, well, there's a lot. There's definitely some white comics married to black women, I think. TJ Miller, I believe.

Gary Owens. Gary Owens, yeah. Who else? You. Bill Burr.

Bill, yeah, Bill Burr. Bill Maher. Bill Maher is married to a black lady. Oh. He loves dating.

It's crazy. He loves. That was a head to head. That was a black wife. Head to head.

Bill Maher and Bill Burr, they were both dressed pretty good, too. They both were black wife affected, and they got. They argued over like, there was Israel and Palestine. Oh, they did? Yeah.

There's, like, a fucking viral clip. Really? Yeah, they fear it. They fucking f. It's kind of funny.

Theo Von
Let's hear it. No burns. Ruthless. What is black wife affected? Let me get that.

And then let's watch the. Okay, Nick, just when you start dressing better because your wife's black. And they really don't tolerate, like, if you're not dressed well, like, though I fought a lot, I hold it down, you know, I still wear kind of, like, bummy stuff, but they'll. They'll wear on you. Yeah.

Black people like to look nice. Yeah, it's important. It's very important. And, like, you. And at weddings, it's the opposite.

Matt McCusker
Like, you have to dance. If you don't dance at a wedding, people are like, what the fuck's your problem? Really? Like, wedding, you sit in a chair the whole time. Oh, yeah.

A lot of pressure to dance. Yeah. You can gamble on your phone, even. You do whatever you want. Yeah.

Theo Von
You're like, I object, you know, but you're just so gay. Sist or whatever, you can't help but yell it. Look at these guys. Let's see what happens here. I mean, dude, demonstrating for Hamas, they are in with the terrorists.

Matt McCusker
They were for the Palestinians. Well, it's sort of the same. Cause why are you. I'm on the side of the kids. Yeah, that's easy to say.

You know, no one wants to see kids dead. This is a war. That's very brave of you to say that. This is a war. No, he sounds like he has no feelings.

I believe on this, it's easy to say, I'm for the kids. Who's not for the kids? It comes down to real hard nosed decisions. Like a country. Stop talking like you're a general.

A country got attacked. Israel got attacked. I'm not saying that they didn't have a right to go back. I'm just sitting there going, like, how do I look at what. They're the only country in the world that they get attacked, and then as soon as they counterattack, it's like, well, we got to stop this shit now.

Don't attack them. There's a very simple solution to all this problem in the Middle east. Stop attacking Israel. Stop attacking Israel. You just solved it.

I actually did. That's fantastic. Anyway, all right. We don't need to get. Apparently, this was the whole episode of them fighting the Ukraine.

How do you solve that one, Bill? Let me hear your hard nosed decision. Well, I think some of that's bullshit, because I think some of the people, they are. I don't know, it feels like they had to elect the Hamas because they don't have any other choice. Yeah, true, but I guess you always have a choice in who you elect.

I don't think. Also, I don't think you can go against. I don't think you can you vocally oppose Hamas in Palestine? That's a good question. It might be kind of risky.

I don't know. That's the thing. The worst part is this will be on some historical record, and we don't know how it'll play out. We could be, like, basically on either side promoting the Nazis. You know what I'm saying?

Theo Von
Right. Yeah. You don't know the long play of it, you know? But to me, it's like, if somebody says, free a place, that's the place that needs to be free, usually. Yeah.

You don't hear free Israel. I've said this before. You don't hear free Kentucky. You don't hear free America. You're starting.

You're kind of hearing a little, but you don't hear, you know, free Cuba. You hear free Palestinians. If that's the chant, it's like, that's usually the place that needs to be free. Yeah. That's a fair point.

Matt McCusker
That's a. That's a tough one to be like, well, hold on a second. What are they up to? Yeah. If he feels bad, right?

Like, well, what do they do? I don't know. My heart just tells me. And I don't know. My heart's.

Theo Von
I'm rehearted, but my heart just tells me that it's just unfair. That's what it feels like to me. But then I don't know a lot about. I got to get some people on that. No more.

Matt McCusker
I mean, I think the war is totally unfair. They're getting. They're totally unmatched. I mean, they're doing. Imagine if you're fighting somebody and then someone gave you $90 billion.

You're gonna crush them. So, yeah, I don't know why we're funding that. I know that's my one point of contention where it's like, but then they'll go, well, we need them there because they help stabilize the region, blah, blah, blah. But it's like, dude, 90 bill. It's fucked up.

Theo Von
They're fine. They're good. Yeah, they're. They're set up. But again, it's like, yeah, I don't fucking know.

Matt McCusker
But they. That's the one thing that disheartened me, because they passed a new bills, like $90 billion. Oh, they keep getting. Well, they're using Biden as a fucking. Fucking human Mary go round or whatever.

Theo Von
That dude's over there. Like, my son got mer. My son was a four star general out of Arby's, you know, and, yeah, black guy at the swimming pool stabbed my son, you know, he's like, what the fuck is he even talking about, dude? He sounds like outtakes from a fucking Larry David episode. We were talking about it yesterday on our podcast where he's a RFK.

Matt McCusker
Junior was like, dude, I don't. I forget the time span, but if there's a nuclear threat in the middle of the night, they got to wake Joe Biden up, and he's got, like, maybe 30 seconds to make a call. How fucked up is that? How terrifying is that? He's got to walk down a hallway and be like, what's going on from sleep?

And be like, this is what we're doing. Oh, my. I hope that's not the case. There has to be people in the White House being like, bro, chill. We'll do it.

Relax. There's no way that guy's making a decision. There's no way that guy is doing anything. Imagine him trying to eat. This is what I imagine a lot.

Theo Von
Him trying to eat a piece of kraft singles cheese. There should be footage of that. Like, dude, prove it. Open one of those. Yeah, that's the litmus test.

If you can't successfully open, eat and swallow a craft single, you can't. Then you're fucking out of here with a guy. Yeah. No nuclear codes at all. You're out of here.

And everybody's always like, the nuclear codes. The nuclear codes are the algorithms of the Internet. Those are the fucking nuclear codes that are killing our humanity and our being. It feels like. Yeah, it's pretty bad.

Do you guys have children? Yeah, we have kids. Yeah. Okay. Little kids.

To your father is this. I thought I was getting lumped in with Biden. I was like, yeah, I think we have kids. Yeah. No, no.

Matt McCusker
Yeah, I'm a father. I have two daughters, two little kids. One will be two in a couple weeks. And a four year old. Wow.

Yeah, it's the best. It is. Yeah. It's very, very taxing and it's. But it really is the best.

It really. You know, you hear a lot of guys when they have kids, they get all, like, crazy. They're like, dude, if there was a button right now that I had to hit to kill myself or her, I'd fucking hit it and kill myself. Yeah, you don't have to go that hard. Yeah, dude, that's.

Theo Von
Chill out, dude. You're a manager, first of all, at a Jimmy John's, okay? Oh, that's your family right there? Yes, my family. Oh, dang, those girls are cute, huh?

Matt McCusker
They're cuties, man. That's so cool. But, yeah, so when you're a dad or your parent, I guess, in general, it's like you live your whole life for yourself before you have kids. You're just, you know, every single person is just narcissistically self obsessed. It's just the way we are.

Theo Von
Yeah, I am everybody. No, every single person is. When people are like, I'm not. It's like, yes, you are. Oh, so it's something you don't even realize till you have a child, you mean?

Matt McCusker
Well, it's like, I think so. Hopefully you realize if you don't realize it, it can be tough. But it's like, and it's not that. Like, it's not a put down or a slam. It's like, as an organism, we have to be primarily obsessed with ourselves.

Theo Von
Oh, it'd be really weird if I was taking it, taking care of some kids that weren't mine. That's what I'm saying. Like, it just, just as a person, like, if there's a dangerous situation, our bodies are designed to preserve ourselves and to advance our own interests. It's just the law of nature. So then when you have a kid, you start that drive, gets frustrated over and over and over on a daily basis, and you either, like, come to grips with that and, like, reorient yourself around stuff outside of yourself, or I think it just explodes your brain and you just completely fail.

Hmm. Yeah, it's pretty tough. It's a pretty tough job, but it's the best. Dude, waking up every morning become. Every morning now is like, it's the same thing over and over.

Matt McCusker
Like, the kids wake up, you get em breakfast. And for me, it put me on, like, a nice schedule. Cause I was just kind of floating around, so. Damn, it's cool. Did you plan on having a baby, or was it a surprise?

Yeah, we were like, both, like, fuck it, let's have a kid. It wasn't, like, super planned out, but we were like, we weren't trying not to. And then she got pregnant. I was like, oh, shit. Fuck.

And it's just like. And at the. Do you. Yeah. Does it feel like you have mixed kids?

Theo Von
You just feel like you just have children? It's. Really. Have kids. You don't really.

Matt McCusker
We don't really like. Cause then when you have kids, you get kids books, so you get, like, different kids books now. There's been a lot of, like, political and racial ideology that's been pumped into kids books. Not all of it's bad. Some of it's like, you know, love your hair.

Shit like that, right? Then you get, like, some political stuff. So, like, I've been kind of like, I'll screen out some of the books. If they're, like, too political, I'll just, like, show them pictures. Like, oh, look at this lady.

Theo Von
Yeah. Like, Horton hears a Harriet Tubman or whatever, and you're like, yeah, yeah, this feels a little. It's like, yeah, anything that's, like, overtly super political, I'm just like. You know, I'm like. I'm not.

Matt McCusker
I'll just, like, point to the pictures and make up a story. And, you know, it's like, say they're. They're little kids. You don't have to, like. Yeah, you just don't.

I don't. Like. I'm not, like, against people knowing that stuff. It's just like, dude, this kid's trying to figure out, like, squares and circles. They don't need to, like, comprehend, like, right systemic inequalities, yet they can get that.

That'll be later, right? It just. It's anti racist, baby. That book is crazy. Feminist baby's crazy.

Feminist baby's kind of crazy, too. Feminist baby is a pretty crazy. Oh, yeah, it's feminist, dude. It's a baby, dude. We can't even make it.

Theo Von
Yeah. Babies are initially obsessed with the mother, too. They have to be, bro. It's a survival. Yeah, it's a survival.

If some gay baby came over trying to slurp on my chest, dude, I'd fucking put him to bed early. It's true. I would put that fucking fat McNugget to bed early. Dude, the crazy thing about being a baby is you can be as fat as you want, and people fucking love you, dude. It's almost like the yokozuna in Japan, you know?

Matt McCusker
Yeah, true. That's actually. That's a fair point. But actually, people love fat babies, man. Women squeeze their cheeks, and you're, like, so fat.

Women are crazy, too. Cause when you have a kid, they like the smell of their baby poop. I've heard this from multiple women. Like, it smells like buttered popcorn, and it. Dude, it's so gross.

It's disgusting. But, no, having kids is cool, man. It's. It's, like, definitely, for me, at least. It kind of rocked me to the foundation on one level.

But then you're still your normal self, but you're just hyper aware because, like, I used to have an anger problem. Like, I would fucking break glasses. Really? Oh, I was so bad. What do you think it was from?

Theo Von
I have an anger problem. We have an anger guy coming on in a couple weeks. Do you really? Yeah. I don't, dude.

Matt McCusker
I don't know. I mean, I can go into depth. I think I could venture a guess that was like, sometimes in households there's like, certain emotions aren't on display and anger can certainly become a primary emotion. If you're, like, in a household where people aren't exactly talking and sharing feelings, everything gets bottled up. So then every feeling gets channeled into anger eventually.

So it just becomes like you just becomes natural to you just to fucking spazz. So I was just a spaz? I don't know. I come from a long line of irish spazzes. So I would just, like.

Especially, like, you know, in the early stages of our relationship, you get into those, like, those arguments where you're just like, I don't. You get so disoriented. Cause you're like, I don't know if I'm right. I don't know if I'm wrong. Right.

And you just start to spaz. And I would be doing the dishes and just be like. Like, like, smash a glass. But then like, yeah, once you have, like, that kind of shit has to stop once you have kids or you can just keep going and terrify them. So you gotta, like, you know, I'd have to, like, really?

I had to rein that in. I break their heart, too, dude. It just be so scary, dude. It's so good. As I can remember as a kid, like, seeing your parents yell was like, fuck, dude.

Just was shitty. My dad. Yeah. Was like, he was so old. He was probably, when I finally could get a good look at him, he's probably about 76.

Damn. And he would.

Theo Von
He would drink sometimes and he would, like, park his car, like, in the ditch outside of our house. Yeah, it's not a good look. When you see that car in the ditch, you're like, fuck. We thought it was so funny, dude. And, dude, one time our aunt came to visit and she was like, 91 years old, dude, it was my dad's sister.

We'd never even seen anybody this fucking old. Really? She just rolled up. Yeah, she came to visit. I think she was 90 or 91.

And we were just like, what is going on? That's wild. She couldn't even talk to us. Damn. So how old was your dad when he had you?

He was 70. He was an older guy. But it was just. It was so bizarre. She couldn't even talk to us.

But she painted us some pictures. I remember that's kind of cool. It was really nice of her. She painted, like, wildflowers from, I think, Mississippi or something. That's pretty.

Matt McCusker
That's nice. Yeah, it was very sweet of her. But, yeah, to answer your question, that was kind of it. Like, you just. You get kind of like.

Theo Von
You just. If you see spazzing, you're like, yeah, this is just how I handle stuff. And then you just start spazzing and then, like, you know, if you don't learn how to, like, logically process whatever that surge of emotion is, it's just like, I'm gonna fucking spazz. I still. I'm still guilty of it.

Matt McCusker
Yeah, like, I'll, like, kick. If we have, like, an empty paper bag. I'll fucking. Everyone leaves. I'll just fucking kick that bitch.

Theo Von
Kick it as hard as I kick that motherfucker, too. I also stopped talking. I was talking my dogs real mean, too. I like, I'd walk my dogs and they yank my arm. I'd be like, you motherfucker, knock it off.

Matt McCusker
And I had to, like, chill with that. I can't do that. But, yeah, I was amazing, huh? Well, dude, we get your shoulder yanked. It's like, my dogs are like, 60 pounds.

Theo Von
Yeah. Yanks your shoulder and you're not expecting it. It's like. It is the most infuriating thing. But then if someone sees you doing that, they're like, this guy in my house, it was like.

Matt McCusker
It was all. You could hit dogs in my house. It was like, just we. That's where we were at, like, oh. Yeah, Philly kids got beat.

Theo Von
Michael. Big country. Yeah, kids, your bad. You got hit. The dog was bad.

Matt McCusker
Of course, the dog got hit, too. So I, like, thought it was. It was normal to hit dogs, and I learned that it's not. Dude, dogs used to patrol our neighborhood, attack kids, attack people. Male people, gay's, everybody, dude.

Theo Von
They would bite everybody. Dude, let's watch the rest of that birth thing. Do we watch his part? I want to see what he said. Bat.

Or just see what he said. I want to see what he said. Solution to all this problem in the Middle east. Stop attacking Israel. Stop attacking Israel.

Matt McCusker
There you go. That's fantastic. Anyway, all right, we don't need to get. Let's go to Russia and the Ukraine. How do you solve that one, Bill?

Let me hear your hard nosed decision about that. Well, let me ask you a question. How is war still legal with all the shit that's been canceled? Legal? Why is that still fucking a great point.

Would you like a real answer to that? So I stole Bemar's answer, by the way. For something to be illegal, you have to have the capacity to enforce it. And you can't enforce against war, or else you have to go to war with the country that's going to war. And we don't want to go to war with Russia over Ukraine.

What would be the sense of making it illegal? Oh, that's really going to stop Putin. No, to stop people from going to war, you have to also put boots. You can't sit down and talk it out. Why can't Putin do a podcast with the head guy?

Like, you just solved the Middle east on a podcast. Why can't they solve what they're doing on a podcast? This is why. This is not your thing. Make some hard noise.

Not your thing. It's what you. It isn't your business. It isn't. You're like that guy that has a fantasy football team and thinks he's a fucking GM.

Don't worry. That's exactly what it is. Like, why am I fucking listening to you? Like, you've done something that's hilarious. Yeah, Bill Murray isn't on shit, dude.

Theo Von
He was super woke, and then he pandered. When he realized his audience was leaving, he definitely got more sensitive. You think that's what it was? I certainly think that it was a financial thing, that he got way more centrist. Cause I started seeing, like, he was like, every.

All these idiots are wrong. You're taking horse medicine or whatever. And then you've certainly seen him come back over to the other side. He flipped big time. I mean, I was delighted to see him flip like that.

Matt McCusker
But I get what you're saying. If you. If you start getting enough hate now, you can just, like, measure it in real time. You see it and you're like, oh, fuck these guys. All, dude, if you go on YouTube, almost every comment is like, fuck this.

Some gradient of, like, you know, whether it's Trump or, like, almost 80% of comments are, like, trump rules. It's like, mostly some reason, like, conservative people commenting. I don't know if it's, like, bots or what. Yeah, it's like, if you were to watch that clip. Actually, I think I did read that a lot of people were slamming mar, being like, what, a smug fucking blah, blah, blah.

Theo Von
Yeah, I just. My mom never liked him, and she never really said anything to me. But I remember saying that my mom. Doesn'T like Bill Maher at all. I don't like Bill Maher.

Yeah, he doesn't seem respectful to women. That's what I remember she said to me, that's fair. I think that's fair for her to say, especially back in the, you know. Yeah, I don't know. I've never met him, you know, I just know.

No, I haven't either. I'm just joking. But no, I just know. He did flip flop hard. I remember just being id.

Matt McCusker
I was delighted. I was like, yes, it was funny. Because you needed some hope. Every host was all like, really? It seemed like not.

Theo Von
They just all had the same exact plan. It was like, remember when they played that video? That was crazy. When they were talking at once, talking. About every channel, talking about the same thing, it was like, yeah, at a certain point, you can't think.

We all think. We just live in some, like, like people are going to notice. Yeah, right. And it almost seems like we're so dumb. We didn't.

Matt McCusker
That was fucked up, man. That, like, for, that bugged me out. And is this a real video? This is a real thing? I think so.

I mean, that'd be crazy to fake that. Fox San Antonio's Jessica Headley. And I'm Ryan Wolf. Our greatest responsibility is to serve our treasure valley communities, the El Paso Las cruces communities, eastern Iowa communities, mid Michigan communities. We are extremely proud of the quality, balanced journalism that CB's four news produces.

But we are concerned about trouble and irresponsible one side of news stories plaguing our country. Plaguing our country. The sharing of biased and false news has become all too common on social media. More alarming, some media outlets publish these same fake stories without checking facts first. The sharing of biased and false false news has become all too common on social media.

Theo Von
I mean, they definitely have a script. People are writing scripts. Well, it's just that they're all owned by the same three or four companies now. It's like, it's like it's the same reason why. It's, everything's just kind of the same.

It's like it's all panera bread. It's just the same. Seven companies own everything, of course. So when people are finally like, you can't just expect that people don't have some thing inside of them that detects when something is inauthentic, I think. And that's the last piece of you probably to go.

Is that part of you that. Yeah, well, I think that. I think people underestimate the vast majority of people. And it's like a tough thing to think about. Just really don't think for themselves that much.

Matt McCusker
I think it's true. And then it's like, you can really just kind of pump a message out and it'll. I agree. It'll land with a huge majority of people. They may figure this out.

I think it was Bernays. It was like, Freud's nephew did that whole book propaganda, and they, like, studied this and, like, dude, you can convince people of anything. Freud's nephew must have been balling, too, because, yeah, he's like, my uncle's fucking Freud. He must have been smashing. Apparently, he convinced women to smoke cigarettes.

Women didn't smoke cigarettes until there was a company that was like, we got to drive up our sales. And he like, he's like, I got it. And he just had, like, a famous actress smoke a cigarette at a parade. Wow. And cigarette sales, women just fucking spiked.

It's crazy. That is crazy, dude. I wish I wouldn't smoke. Yeah, man. Armageddon, dude.

Theo Von
Good for Burford speaking up, though, at least. Burford going after Bill Maher. Yeah, it was funny. He's very entertaining with all that stuff. Like, what are you, a fucking general?

Matt McCusker
It's like, fuck, that's funny. Perfect line to a general. Yeah. But, yeah, apparently he was, like, nasty, though. He did it the whole time.

Theo Von
Bird didn't. Yeah, apparently. Yeah, they had, like, a supercut of just him just fucking leveling him the entire time, so that's tough. And, you know, especially Bill Maher, like you were saying, he's. I don't think he's equipped for that kind of cut fight.

Matt McCusker
Really? Cause he's, like, going into, like, the issues that, you know, from his perspective. Like, let's talk about this from a macro perspective. And burrs, like, you're a fucking loser. And you're like, fuck.

Theo Von
Fuck, dude. God damn it, dude. God, Burr is fucking incredible, dude. Funny as fuck. He's one of none, dude.

Matt McCusker
Yeah. That's how rare he is. He's nasty as fuck. But, yeah, he. He crushed a man.

He's. Yeah, he's a big COVID guy, too. I noticed that he became. He was, like, number one COVID guy. Who?

Theo Von
Bill Maher. Bill Burr. Bill Burr. He was pro COVID. Well, yeah, pro COVID, pro mask, pro vax, you know, which is his prerogative.

Matt McCusker
Whatever. Yeah. But at least he's his free thinker. He's able to think for both sides of things. It's not always just one side of things.

Oh, yeah, he know. He does. He does a good job of that. Him on his appearances on Conan are really funny. And COVID, like, I didn't know if it was real at first, but then when people were dying, I was like, oh, something's really going on here.

Theo Von
And then people I started to know got sick. Cause first it just came from the news. You're like, people are getting this thing. It was kind of invisible. You couldn't really see it.

Matt McCusker
You know, we had, like, Ebola before that. We had a couple of little things, but they were like, this is it. But I remember just looking at the stats and being like, I don't think I have to worry about this. That was my only gripe about it. It's like, dude, you could have, like, preserved the elderly, let the obese chill.

And anyone who was, like, younger and not, like, had emphysema should have been able to just do their thing the entire time. Yeah, they were like, hide your fat friends and everything. They were, like, making all these crazy rules, dude. My friend would go and get his. Get his groceries delivered in his yard, have the guy set him out there.

Theo Von
He would go out there with a fucking pressure washer and pressure wash his fucking groceries, dude. Yeah, in a hazmat suit. I'm like, dude, you are a pussy, dude. I would rather die next to a couple things of Ritz crackers in front of my son than ever see him let me hazmat suit down, dude. Some miracle whip and some fucking.

Matt McCusker
Bananas. Oatmeal squares, dude. And that was a crazy thing. Cause I had my first daughter right at the beginning of COVID So we were in school, and, like, the parents were made, trying to make the kids, like, dude, fucking two year olds. There's, like, a daycare, like, early childhood education, trying to make them wear masks all day.

And it was like, bro, give it up. They're not keeping these on all day. And also, for a two year old who's virtually zero risk, you're gonna tell them in their formative years, like, there's a giant virus, and we're all died. Like, dude, let them chill. They're fine.

You can tell them, like, people are getting sick, but, like, dude, they were masked on all the times, and where's. The virus now, dude? That's a thing. It's fucking gone. Exactly.

It's. You don't hear about it. People ask cards. That shit didn't take. Like, what was that for?

Theo Von
For now. And now the people that have it, they don't know if Mike gets sick. And, you know, now that I believe you can't trust. I don't know. I don't want to go down the road.

I just think people hear so much of it, they're probably sick of hearing. Yeah. I mean, also, it's a throwback now, but, yeah, they were funny, too, because they were just a piece of paper. Yeah. So you just fake them, like.

Matt McCusker
And there was no penalty for faith. You faked one. There's no criminal penalty. I don't. Four fake ones, dude.

Yeah. I got into different countries on fake ones because they would just look at it. I have a picture on my phone and they. Here it is. And they'd be like, cool, man.

I'm like, this is fucking ridiculous. So dumb, man. What else happened in the news, guys? Let me see. Peru classified transgender, non binary and intersex.

Theo Von
People as mentally ill. Peru. Wow. What did they say? Why?

Matt McCusker
That's a good question. I mean, Pru's a christian nation. I do know that. But I'm not saying that justifies it. I'm just laying that groundwork.

Theo Von
The controversial decision was made to ensure the country's public health services could guarantee full coverage of medical attention for mental health for the trans community. Peruvian health ministry explained. That makes sense. In order to bill insurance, you have to. It has to be a mental.

Matt McCusker
Like some sort of mental disorder. Oh, so it's a healthy kind of nice. They did a kind of a nice thing. Being gay was a straight up mental disorder in the seventies. It was listed in the book that was like that.

There's a book that's called the DSM that has every mental disorder, and every year people have to argue, like, what's still one, what isn't, like, how long, you know, blah, blah, blah. But, yeah, being gay in, like, the seventies was like a mental. It was like a clinical, metal sort. Well, I mean, it had to seem like it, if you think about it. Imagine you're hanging out somewhere, right?

Yeah. And you're just sitting there with your buddy or something. You're watching, like, the cubs or something. You're watching Andre Dawson. And your buddy keeps fucking putting his hand on your leg, right?

Theo Von
And you tell him, like, you know, hey, Mark, what's up? Your hand keeps moving over here. Is something wrong with your elbow? Is something wrong with your shoulder? You have to call 911.

Is something wrong with your bicep? And he's like, no, I'm fine. And it keeps happening, and then it starts rubbing on your chest or whatever. You're like, true. Dude doesn't understand that something's wrong with you.

You're going to think then that he's mentally disabled. True. It's a fair point. It's actually a fair point. Even he would probably think it in the beginning.

He'd be like, some guys I'm sure were like, the hell? What is going on? Could you imagine, oh, God. Fifties being like, I just want to suck my boss's dick so bad. There's no one in the world you could turn to and be like, look, man, I want to suck my boss's dick more than anything.

Matt McCusker
Get the fuck out of here right now. People would beat your ass. Yeah. Or people would just be like, dude, you're crazy. That's.

Theo Von
You would have to think you're crazy. Cause if you didn't even know about being gay, imagine you never even heard about being gay. You just seen your parents and suddenly you're being gay, right? Or you look at, like, your brother, your neighbor, your male neighbor. God damn.

And you just like, kind of start fucking feeling some type of way about him. Yeah, man, light a candle for no reason. It must have been crazy. That would. I've never envied that, man.

Matt McCusker
That's crazy. They used to do lobotomies to un gay people. They used to do. Really? Yeah.

Theo Von
They would do lobotomies thinking that it could help them damn. Cut the gay part out. But. So actually they did. It was a positive thing.

That article made it sound like it was negative. Huh. Yeah. I could be wrong, but that's what it sounded like. In order for them to get help or like, if they want to something, you can bill.

Is that right, Nick? Are we in the right field here of it? Yeah, I think Matt's right. But I do think people are just. Running with the headline and being like, peruse, peruse.

Matt McCusker
Fucked up. Yeah. And then like, the conservative sides, like, fuck yeah, Peru. Right. People will just read the headline.

Theo Von
That'll be it. And the conservatives are like, fuck yeah, Peru. Who was that speaker? They had a guy who was speaking yesterday. It was the kicker from Harrison Bucker.

Yeah. You see this? This was going around. He was speaking at a catholic school. Benedict College.

Matt McCusker
Congratulations on an amazing accomplishment. You should be proud of all that you have achieved to this point in your young lives. I want to speak directly to you briefly because I think it is you, the women, who have had the most diabolical lies told to you. How many of you are sitting here now about to cross this stage and are thinking about all the promotions and titles you are going to get in your career? Some of you may go on to lead successful careers in the world, but I would venture to guess that the majority of you are most excited about your marriage and the children you will bring into this world.

I can tell you that my beautiful wife Isabel would be the first to say that her life truly started when she began living her vocation as a wife and as a mother. I'm on this stage today and able to be the man I am because I have a wife who leans into her vocation. I'm beyond blessed with the many talents God has given me. But it cannot be overstated that all of my success is made possible because a girl I met in band class back in middle school would convert to the faith. You love middle school, huh?

And embrace important titles of all. Homemaker. Okay. It's a kind of a sweet, heartfelt thing. It's just like, he may have.

He should might have, you know, ran that by. It's. I think it's a nice sentiment that he's trying to go for, but it's also like, dude. Well, he's. Yeah, he's saying that.

Theo Von
Well, first of all, I wonder if our school does it look at homemaking, because we live. A lot of people are divorced now. People are raised with only one parent. You know, my mother had to work all the time. You know, your dad.

So then your mom has to do both jobs, or your dad has to do both jobs. A lot of times, if you're not able to see both parents, it's not a safe place for even an animal to be raised with a single parent. And we promote it. It feels like a lot with our society. Dude, it's impossible.

Matt McCusker
They used to do that in social work school. There's no difference between having a single parent and two parents. It's like. Yeah, the. What the fuck are you talking about?

Theo Von
So different. It's a gigantic difference. It's. Dude, it'd be impossible if I had to raise kids by myself. It's frill.

Matt McCusker
It's hard to do. I'm not gonna say you can't do it, but it's like. It is so fucking hard. It's crazy. So, yeah, I don't think that this.

Theo Von
I definitely understand where this is at. A christian college's benedictine. It sounds christian. Okay. So it's not that crazy.

Right? My thing, it's kind of like, I do feel like, you know, people do here hate hearing this, but there is some truth to that in terms of, like, I do think it's a. I just feel sad if a woman does, like, gets all, like, you know, has it jammed into her head that she has to, like, rise at a Fortune 500 company and slowly is like, damn, I kind of wish I had kids. Like, having kids is more meaningful than being, like, an insurance salesman, you know, like, in terms of experience. So, yeah, I feel like it's like, it's a thing women have as an insecurity that if they don't work, they're somehow have been brainwashed into, like, some old, like, you know, outdated value system that, like, they should fight against it.

Matt McCusker
But, you know, in reality, I do think that a lot of women, you know, would probably like to not be at their job and, like, you know, be at home doing stuff. It's a fucking. It is a job. It's a massive, insane undertaking. Well, it's a job that's being.

Theo Von
That's not getting done right now. Yeah, it feels like in our country. Yeah. Cause it's almost like a poor, like, dude, women, like, they're allergic to, like, minivans. Like, if you show a woman a minivan, they'll spaz.

Matt McCusker
Like, no, I'd never drive that. Then they'll drive, like a crossover, which is just a fucking minivan in disguise. You can't tell them it's a minivan, though. You can't. They'll spaz.

Theo Von
But there is something, almost even at night, a crossover. Kind of, like, takes its fucking sides off and minivan pops out as a cigarette. But, yeah, again, it's like, uniform all day. Yeah. I would never tell a woman, like, you can't work.

No, you can do whatever you want, of course. Well, I also think some of it is an over. Like, there was a time where women, like, were abused in the workplace. They were taken advantage of. They were used for sex to get promotions.

They were promised promotions and not given them. They had no. They would go to court, but the men in town had the power, and they would influence the judges. There was no. It's a fucking nightmare.

It's been a nightmare for women to get the equality that they've needed to also to just have money, really, which was the power. Right. It's definitely been a hell of a journey, but, yeah, I wonder sometimes if the pendulum will swing back some and you will have more women that are just like, I want to be a homemaker, and I want to be a good mom and create a good household. And a lot of the women in our society, I think they're a reflection of men. I think we don't realize that.

A lot of times if your wife is happy, not all the time, but they're a reflection of men. Does that make any sense? It does. It makes total sense, man. If you love your wife and you lift her up, and then she lives that way, and if as a father, you do that, probably with your daughters, they live that way.

You know, I always sometimes feel like they're a reflection of the men in their lives. Yeah, it's true, man. It's hard, too, especially with any job. It's just hard to remember, like, okay, yeah. Cause you get so wrapped up in your job, you're like, oh, I have to, like, set up, like, a culture in this house and make sure everyone's okay and, like, do stuff.

Matt McCusker
Cause you get into a thing where you're just like, all right, I'm done. My work. I'm gonna go home. We're gonna watch tv, we're gonna chill. And I totally get that, but, yeah, it takes a lot of effort, and no one's really incentivizing you toward that effort.

Like, with work, everyone's like, you know, they're dangling carrots over your face all, you know, all day long. But for having kids and, like, raising a family, it's totally up to you. Yeah. To be like, here's how we're gonna do this. And it's difficult, but I do think women got sold an idea that, like, they have to be kick ass businesswomen, and, like, anything less than that is, like, a failure and, like, a disgrace for, like, the women's struggle.

And it's like, well, I think that. I think the women struggle helped in people finding out, like, oh, yeah, people were pretty miserable to women for a long time now. Just let them do whatever they. Whatever they really want to do, let them do. I get why people are mad at that, but I still am.

Like, that's not a bad thing. And he's genuinely thinks he's trying to help people, man. He's not trying to be, like, a dick. Like, stay at home bitch. Yeah, at one point but mentioned the word pride, then clarified that he wasn't talking about the deadly sin sort of pride that has an entire month dedicated to it, but the true God centered pride that is cooperating with the Holy Ghost to glorify him.

Theo Von
Okay, so he really. He's a devout Christian or Catholic, maybe. I mean, that's the thing is about some of this. It's like, you can't go to a devout Catholic and expect non devout catholic shit. You know?

That's what I love about, like, the way the media covers a lot of this stuff. It's like, yeah, most people might not agree with the guy, or some people might not. Yeah, but you can't go to a chocolate shop and get pissed when somebody fucking gives you some chocolate. True. Yeah.

That guy's a devout Catholic, then. That's what he believed. It's like, it was a safe space. He was in a safe space. And, you know, it's like if my dad sat in, like, a liberal safe space, he'd be incensed.

Matt McCusker
He'd freak. Yeah. So it's like, yeah, he doesn't go there. So it's like, yeah, I get it. It's like, dude, I get if you're gay, that would piss you off.

But if you're not gay, you're like, whatever. And if you're super Christian, you're like, fuck, yeah. It all depends on what you're up to, right? There's people for everybody, you know? But we act like sometimes the media acts like there's not people for everybody.

Theo Von
In a way, they only wanna create, but then that's their job. Yeah. Maybe I'm being a downer today. No, you're not being a downer. It is like, I mean, we're having, like, dude, there's a guy, Ken Wilber, who writes it.

Matt McCusker
I think it's like, the best take on this I've ever heard about how historically, human beings have gone through just different levels of just consciousness where it's like, originally the thing that motivated humans, the highest ideal is just being powerful and dominating others. If you're a Roman, if you're like Alexander the great, if you went and fucked up a whole bunch of people, you were the man. Like, you would be like, God loves me. This is awesome. And then we kind of evolved into, like, Christianity and all that, you know, whatever that was kind of like, actually, you know, we should be nicer to each other.

And then we came up, like, we should be nice to other christians and, like, kind of fuck everybody else. So we. We went from, like, they call it, like, power gods to mythic membership, and then from mythic membership to the scientific worldview. And they're saying the last one, the newest worldview has been this kind of like, woke, kind of like postmodern woke ideology. And now we have people at different levels of this, and they're all just entrenched in their worldview and fighting each other.

And he's like, it's just going to go on until people are just like, all right, fuck it. And they transcend all of them. Like, look, you do your thing. I get it. I don't agree, but I don't hate you because of it.

Theo Von
Yeah, that's the part, yeah. I think hating people because of. It's bizarre to me, but I'm not shocked. Like, a christian guy at a christian college said some really christian shit. He did.

So it's like that to me. It's not even fucking news, you know? It's like, let him be who he wants to be, you know? He said, I love my wife and I'm not gay. It's like, yeah, that's for sure, dude.

Matt McCusker
Right? Yeah, I'm not. Yeah. I'm not saying I agree with everything the guy says or anything, but let him speak if it's like, yeah, I think the guy should be able to speak. You said a little bit ago that you think there's, like, a wave of faith.

Theo Von
Wave that's starting up, I think. So. Can I pee real quick? I'm about to. I might pee my pants on camera.

Go pee. And we're almost done anyway. I was like, a 05:00 a.m.. Pee. That was like five minutes long.

Amen. All right. Sorry about that. No worries. It was a good pee.

Matt McCusker
Thank you. Yeah, I saw you in there. I can't. You were peeing, and I came in, and then when I left, you were still peeing. I left you?

Yeah. It was crazy. I was embarrassed about how long I was peeing for. I was like, come on, dude. Hurry up.

Theo Von
Yeah, there is that weird thing. It's like, it's so funny. You'll get embarrassed if you can't pee. Yeah. And then you'll get embarrassed if you're peeing too long.

Cause people, even if you're standing there facing the urinal with your wiener, people will be like, that dude's taking a shit. Yeah, true. Like, this fucking dude is taking a shit. Or you'll think the people outside think you're taking a shit. Like, at what point do people think you're taking a shit?

Look that up. Shitting in the urinal is crazy, too. That's a wild move. Shitting at the urinal move should be treason. You should get hung.

Yeah, I mean, look, you should be. Shot by a firing squad. It's like. Well, no, it means you should be allowed to be a lifeguard, dude. According to scientific american, mammals that weigh more than six and a half pounds.

That's us. Take about 21 seconds to urinate. Plus or -13 seconds. Whoa. You see that last part?

Matt McCusker
Oh, no. When you pass the stool, the relaxation of the stronger anal sphincter decreases tension in the weaker urinary sphincter, allowing urine to pass at the same time. Okay. What does that fact mean that you can pee while you poop? I don't think you can.

I don't think. I've never done it. I think it's saying that when you. Pee, it makes you have to shoot. If you pee while you poop, the fucking cops will show up.

Theo Von
Who does that? Where in Philadelphia? I've never heard anyone successfully doing that. If I would never do that, dude. Yeah, I live by a church, dude.

They would know immediately when I went in there, like, he. Yup, he did it. You were talking about faith, man. You think there's gonna be, like, people need something. I do think that not having faith is.

There's something that's not helped people. The rest of this seems fucking aimless. Life starts to seem kind of aimless and purposeless. That's the thing. Yeah, yeah.

Matt McCusker
I honestly, like, you know, it was like, Bill Maher was all about this way back in the day when he did religious, where he went around and, like, debated, like, conservative Baptist Christians down south and was like. Like, you actually think a guy in the sky. And it's like, that whole argument's ridiculous. But it was cool to be atheistic back when, like, there was still kind of, like a stronghold of religion, but now, like, we've lost it all, and it's. Dude, it's terrifying to be like, we're just totally alone.

We're like a cosmic mistake that's just, like, here. Like a fucking amoeba just eating and shitting. It's. I think now that it's completely collapsed, it'll get rebuilt in, I think, a more thoughtful kind of way where it isn't like, you know, a literal interpretation. If that's people's thing, whatever.

But there's, like, it's evolved a lot in terms of, like, the concept of God, what it could possibly mean. Like, the consciousness in the universe. There's just. And then, like, you take, like, the eastern stuff that's kind of blending in, and then you add YouTube, which is, like, now people can learn about anything and kind of reconceptualize their own connection to God rather than just kind of like being in Sunday school and, you know, and having someone just being like, this is how this works because there's, like, with religion. And again, this is more just Ken Wilbur stuff he talks about.

There's, like, translative religions where it's, like, them. And he's a human being. Ken Wilber. Yeah, he's a human being for he's. He's.

Dude, his stuff. I think he's one of the smartest guys out there. Still alive. Yeah, he's still alive. He lives.

I think he lives in Boulder. He's 75, but, yeah, so he talks about him. Let's keep that on the list, bro. He would be a fantastic get. But he talks about this, how a lot of the religion people grew up with here is like translative, where it just kind of like, here's how the universe was built and here's what happened then.

There's no process toward transforming yourself. He's like, there's translative and then there's transformative religion. A lot of the eastern stuff is more about transforming yourself, but then whatever. So I think within here, if people can kind of start to learn about, there are pathways to transform yourself over an entire lifetime to make you a more loving person and you can tap it, whatever. I don't know.

I'm out of my element with. Yeah, you sound insane. A little. But I also think that you're a very smart guy and a super communicative guy, man. But I think, yeah, I think there is.

Theo Von
It is getting. I was just joking. No, it's funny. And I do. I lose the thread hard on myself.

Oh, I hate that dude. Dude, it happens to me all the time. I swear. I'm like, I'm right there and I'm embarrassed, bro. It's like when you tell people to come over, you're gonna show them something and then there's nothing there, but it's like 30ft away.

Matt McCusker
I can feel it. That's the problem. I can feel it. I just can't put it into worse. Oh, yeah, dude, how Biden feels into fucking nothing.

I make fun of him all the time. I'm just as bad as him. I'm like. But they're like, when you do learn. About stuff like that, imagine when he closes his eyes, he's just see, it's just like a pigeon eating a caramel or whatever.

Theo Von
There's nothing in there. Crazy. He's always just being used, obviously, by the new Jim hints and whoever those people are. But no, there is something about religion. There is something about like, yeah, having faith, believing in something that's greater than us and yeah, I think maybe we get away from, like, the word.

It's like not as locked into the words of things, but more about the feeling and what it means to be human. And then also, like, if you use certain religions, if Christianity or Muhammadism or whatever is your pathway to believe in faith, then that's just your. That's your pathway, you know? I think. Getting past the point of, like, thinking that no one else can have another pathway, too.

Matt McCusker
Yeah. Like, that seems kind of outdated, you know? That's the Ken Wilber guy. So that's an example of mythic membership where you're like, my group has absolute direct access to reality. Everyone else is wrong.

And he says, what we're all get to eventually is called tier two. Thinking. Where you go, like, I can see where you're coming from. This is kind of my thing, but you're doing sick. We're all kind of doing the same thing, in essence, with, like, different.

You know, we have, like, different clothes on in terms of our thoughts. We're all doing the same thing, but, yeah, dude, it's like, there's, like, dude, if. Without. I think if you're. If you're religious, like, actually religious, like, you have, like, a spirit, real spiritual connection.

I think, on average, you live, like, eight years longer. Yeah, it's crazy. And the studies are just, like, irrefutable. Oh, well, imagine just the only thing that you cared about. I mean, I even notice as I get older, it's like, I don't have a family, right?

Theo Von
I don't have a wife or children. I'm at home sometimes, and I'm like, what am I even doing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've done that myself, where you sit there and you're like, what am I gonna do now? What is the purpose of any.

Or what is, like. Like, there's purposeful stuff that happens in moments and things to think about and enjoy. And I'm not being, like, a downer about myself or about my life, but just like, well, yeah, there must be something greater than just this. And so, yeah, I think family helps you see that. Believing in something getting up every day and believing that the universe cares about you.

I think having a society that reflects that we care about each other and that the. That we care about the universe and that it cares about us too, you know? Yeah. And it's not that crazy to be, like, we somehow consciousness emerged within our heads. Why would it not be something prevalent?

Matt McCusker
Like, why would it not be in the universe itself? Like, the universe at whole isn't conscious, but somehow out of unconsciousness, we have consciousness. Yeah, it gets real crazy. It is. It's total cap, but it's fucking cap as fuck, dude.

Theo Von
It's not like you think a universe that can't think made something they could think. Dude, that's what I'm saying. And designed itself perfectly. It's unbelievable that way. It said perfectly.

Matt McCusker
So yeah, that's for me. The older I've gotten, I've been like, you know, and that's why they call it faith. It's like, I can't prove it, but it's like, I will definitely hedge my bets on, like, dude, the universe, it's. It's. It's also like, it's like a.

Like an ant trying to explain Florida to, like, they can't. And they can't comprehend Florida, but, like, for some reason, humans have this inkling that there is something beyond themselves. And it's universe. Totally universal, too. That's a good point, dude.

Totally universal. And human beings throughout pretty much all of time. Yeah, you'd have to. How could you trick? You could never.

Theo Von
And it's not even like I don't even know a ton about religion, but if I look up at the fucking sky at night, I feel like there's something happening here. Exactly what it is. Ain't exactly. Exactly. You go, I am that sky.

There's a man with a gun over there. And now we're back in Philadelphia, guys. Matt McCusker. Thank you so much, man. Congratulations.

Everybody loves you so much. I'm so grateful that you and Shane have each other and have been on this journey together and. Yeah, just thanks for coming and spending time with us today, man. Thanks for having me, man. Awesome.

Matt McCusker
Thank you.

A stone but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of my life out I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take a little.

E504 Matt McCusker

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