E502 Nikki Glaser

Theo Von
I have some new tour dates to tell you about. We've added a third show in London on June 16 at the event. Tim Apollo tickets go on sale Tuesday, May 14 at 10:00 a.m. Local time. We also have shows in New York City on May 31, Belfast in the UK on June 6.

That's an added show. June 7 is sold out. Idaho Falls. We've added a show on June 27, Salt Lake City, Utah on June 30 in Las Vegas, Nevada on July 5 and 6th at Resorts World Las Vegas. Get all your tickets@theovon.com t o r and if tickets are too expensive, just wait.

We'll come back around. Make sure you buy them through our link and not off of a secondary site. Thank you guys so much for your support. Today's guest is a comedian. She's my friend.

She's one of the roasters from the recent Tom Brady roast on Netflix. She's one of the best roasters of all time. She has a new special out on HBO called someday you'll die. Today's guest is Nikki Glaser. Shine that light on me.

Nikki Glaser
I'll sit. And tell you my story shine on me and I will find a song.

Theo Von
Yeah, I sip of this coffee so I think I'm gonna talk about to a woman, it's different. Yeah. Really?

Yeah. Dude. Talking to a dang woman. Are you kidding me? Really?

Yeah. It's the biggest fear inside of a man, I think, is talking to a woman. Some people, they. Men will. Yeah, men, they can't.

Yeah, people sometimes can't talk to a woman. Yeah, I feel that way. I have a nervousness around men like that. I think fell away when I started doing comedy. Cause I just felt like, oh, I'm one of the boys now.

Nikki Glaser
Like, men don't treat me differently. They don't see me sexually. Even though sometimes I do want to be seen that way. But I don't think about it much anymore. But, yeah, I used to feel that way all the time.

But now I feel like I relate to men sometimes more than women and enjoy having conversations. Cause I feel like I pull out a feminine energy from men that I like that they don't get to express a lot. I like when a guy I'm dating has women friends because he gets to, like, release some emotion that doesn't have to come out on me. I don't have to be the only place for that. Cause he doesn't feel safe doing it to me.

Cause it's not sexy. Right. He can do it with his girlfriends. That there's no sexual vibe. So he can get.

Cause women are asking. And if it's a big lesbian friend, too. You could cry on a lesbian. Oh, you. Absolutely.

I can't. Because it gets sexual. Yeah, but a man can cry on a lesbian. Like, they get a little too comforting to me when I cry. There should be, like a place, like, in nature or on.

Theo Von
I'm not gonna say, like street corners or whatever, but where there is a devout lesbian who is, you know, who is totally. Has gone through whatever the steps are to be a lesbian and is there to take the journey off of a man to just shoulder some of the burden, you know? Because a lot of men didn't get either one of their parents because one of their parents was gone because of divorce. And then the other parent because of that had to work. So a lesbian.

A tough lesbian, too. Not one of these little Las Vegas nightly rental lesbians. I'm talking about a real fucking oatmeal eating lesbian. Do you ever feel, though, that lesbians have no use for you because you're a man? Oh, yeah.

Nikki Glaser
Like that. They're just like, get the fuck out of here. I don't need to deal with this shit. Yeah, we are the ugly women. The lesbians.

Theo Von
That's what a man is. You're the ugly. You just. How does an ugly woman feel? Cause the lesbians aren't going after her either.

Nikki Glaser
So that's an ugly woman is an ugly woman to everyone. Oh, damn. Shit. Fuck. That's why it's so important to stay hot.

You feel like no one wants you. Really? You think that? Yeah, I think it's. Yeah.

Is an ugly man acceptable to anyone? I think there are certain gay guys that are into. No, I'm joking, dude. These days, first of all, everybody looks pretty good these days. Can we say that?

Well, if you have money, there's no reason. You better look good. It's expected. But even the government is buying people teeth and phones, phone cards. It's like, I feel like everybody.

Theo Von
Everybody kind of almost looks the same now. Really? I agree. Everybody's about like an eight. And then you have some people that.

That's so true. Or. I don't know. There's definitely some people that are tens, but everybody's kind of like a eight or seven. But the tens were, like, born tens.

Nikki Glaser
And you can't, like, buy. You can buy a nine. You can't buy a ten. Like, when that's just like. You see a model and they're just like an alien.

They're very rare, though. They're probably more rare than psychopaths or something. You know what I mean, percentage wise. Yeah. Only God makes tens, huh?

Yeah, that's a good. Yeah, a doctor. Can't they try. They can get, like, 9.2. Yeah, they can get.

You can. A good one. But even it's hard to find a doctor that can do that kind of work. Yeah, no, it's Doctor God. Doctor God baby.

Theo Von
God luck. Yeah. But, yeah, there's no, like, you can just. That's the pressure, though, is like, sometimes when I feel like, oh, you don't look as good as you could look. Like.

Nikki Glaser
I always want to reach my potential. Right? Ooh, now that's a good point. Now, my potential, with enough money is 9.2. Like I just said, enough.

Like, I can find a person to make me a 9.2. And I'm not a 9.2. But there is surgery. There's a right person out there that can transform my face and my body into exact. Like, that's as high as I could get, and I'm not reaching it.

And so I just go, I'm failing in some way, and my friends who don't have money go, I'm just the way I am. Cause I can't afford to do that, but I could maybe afford to do that, so I feel like I need to do that. You're gonna risk it? Yeah. I mean, I do stuff already.

I get injections and stuff here and there. And I'm not like, I don't do it a lot, but every couple of years, I get insecure enough that I'm like, let's just see what we're gonna do. And I like the risk of it. It's like getting a tattoo. It's like, it can be bad.

A haircut. I can get it dissolved or what? I could turn it back around, but it is when women have face work or men, and it kind of gets fucked up, I sometimes go, good for you. You took a fucking chance. That's a good point, huh?

Theo Von
Yeah. You're a risk taker. You are the ultimate. Yeah. You're somebody that reached in the draft.

You are Sean Payton of the Denver Broncos in reconstructive surgery realm. Yeah. Yeah. Because you definitely see, well, sometimes I'll kiss a woman, and her lip tastes like a part of, like. It's like a.

Yeah, it tastes like something you would throw to a dog to catch. Kind of like, it just, like. Feels like a chew toy thing. Yeah. So it doesn't feel like you're kissing him anymore.

It feels like you just want to. Oh, you can feel filler for sure. I don't have in my lips, but I got it just, like, recently down here. Mm hmm. Which for some reason makes this go up.

Nikki Glaser
Like, it's all like. I don't even know how it works, but I don't like all that. Like, I got something here. I've never gotten it before, but I can feel it. Like, I don't.

Whenever I'm like, you know, going like this, like, hmm. I'm like, oh, God. Because I don't. You feel weird pressing on it? It's not a normal feeling.

Theo Von
I get something, like, on the back of my legs, bottom of my butt, maybe just to make me a little taller, like, when I'm in a seat. Or whatever it would. That is a way to get taller. Sitting only. Yeah, you're sitting down a lot.

Nobody thinks about that. Hey, shit, of course you would. Sitting tall, you're like, yeah, I'm not that tall when I'm standing up, but when I'm sitting, I'm a little taller than you'd expect. I mean, are you good on your posture? Like, are you working on that?

Fuck no, dude. Yeah, I was working on it until I quit working on it. I mean, like, when you're conscious of it. When I am, when I sit the way I'm supposed to with my shoulder blades down, my neck extended and my back, like, this is a good look. I know this is gonna look better than what I really wanna do, which is this.

Yeah. Armadillo. But this feels like I'm gonna meet. Some dude's gonna try to meet me. I feel like all the time.

Nikki Glaser
Yeah, there's a guy. You're waiting for a grinder date, or you're waiting. Yeah. You're hoping they pick you to go on the Mayflower or something. Like, it has a very.

Theo Von
Yeah. If you're positive, alert. Ready? Yes. Pick me.

Yeah. Yeah, pick me. That's what it feels like. Pick me. Yeah.

Nikki Glaser
But for a girl, in a way, she can sit in a way that is just, like, I have confidence. Like, there's a way to sit that's, like, exudes sexuality for sure. Well, yeah. Oh, definitely. For a woman.

Yeah. To, like. Yeah. Like, I don't even know how to contort my body in that way, but I know that when I am trying to look sexy, my back hurts afterwards because I've been holding this archback. It's not healthy.

Like, it's not good. But some girls just walk around naturally like that. Oh, yeah. Have the best posture. I don't know if you've been there or not.

Theo Von
Have you been there? Oh, yes. And it kind of checks out in my memory, but I. Oh, they're like, wait, why? Maybe they're school desks.

Nikki Glaser
Because that's what breaks us. It could be like the. I don't know how gravity is up there or something, but it's definitely. There's a. They are very.

Theo Von
You know, they look very on purpose. They look very on purpose. Okay. A lot of people, like, wander out, like, oh, look at this fucking accident. Yes, Toronto.

Yeah. Yeah. But it's not an intimidating on purpose. Like, Toronto. They're like, is it Tor.

Nikki Glaser
I always say it wrong. Toronto. Not Toronto. It's Toronto. I think you can call it whatever you want to.

Theo Von
They're just happy you came to visit. They really are. Yeah. And they should be. It's a bitch getting there.

Well. And it's like a lot of people didn't even think Canada was real for a long time. Like, we had to discover it, like, seven times before people were like, yes, okay, we'll admit it. That you're real. Is that the history of that?

Nikki Glaser
I don't really know how. I mean. Canada, dude. Yeah. A lot of people are like, I don't know, man.

Theo Von
Yeah, we'll see about it. We'll see. Every time I go there, don't you feel like you're. They are like, Air Canada. You fly there, they're mad at you when.

Nikki Glaser
When you're flying them. I don't like that. I just don't like flying air Canada. And then when I get there, the customs feel so aggressive that I'm just. Like, they don't like us.

Are you happy I'm here? No, they're not. Yeah. That's the real truth. I think you're right.

Theo Von
I think you're right. And then once you get in, though, the people love you. People are always like, why don't you come? And I'm like, it's your border control. Makes me feel like a criminal and makes me feel like, why are you here?

Well, we kind of have become that. I mean, America's a criminal state obsessed with capitalism that has sacrificed everything. That was good. Yeah. To make a couple bucks.

So I get why they're tapping us on the shoulder a little extra over there on the way in. I get it. They don't want that energy. They don't want that semen in their. Country looking to be famous and cool.

Nikki Glaser
Like, they don't have that sad desire, and sad is just a word I use for that. But it's like, yeah, we have some kind of desperation here. It feels like, does that make any sense or. No, totally. I'm fighting it all the time because I'm a part of it and I feed into it and it gets me.

But I also am so disgusted by it. I can't go shopping because consumerism really stresses me out. And thinking about all of these, when I go shopping, I just look at all the racks of clothes and I'm like, this is all going to be in a landfill. This is all going to be in the ocean. It grosses me out.

But I'm also buying that stuff. They're just shipping it to me so I don't have to see it in mass amounts and think about that. So I'm on both sides of it. But yeah, it's a bitch. It's interesting.

Theo Von
Well, the question everybody wants to know is, how's that vagina doing, huh? It's pretty good. That's what's up. Yeah, that's what's up. It's like, right now it's like a good day.

Nikki Glaser
Do you have good and bad days down there? Good weiner days? Kind of like where you're just like, I wouldn't mind if someone saw it. It's looking. I think vaginas have more going on that can be either just.

There's more pieces to have in place that some days you're just like, this is great. And it's probably the days that you should. That you're, like, ovulating or whatever. Oh, it's that party nostril, homie. That's what it is.

Theo Von
You know what I'm saying? The deepest dimple, baby. Let's get it. You know what I'm saying? It's definitely.

It's like the 30th wonder of the world, I guess. It used to be, like the number one wonder of the world. It was like, there. It was like Guantanamo Bay. What's the, like, Gary Busey and then, like, the leaning Tower of pizza or whatever?

Nikki Glaser
Yeah. And then, like. But it's definitely lost. I think it kind of went down with crypto. I feel like the vagina did some.

It does feel like people aren't as interested in hearing about it and talking about it and getting it moved to ass. Is that what people are interested in, or is it just like. Or that ass pussy? That's what a lot of gay dudes would be like, let me get that ass pussy. I like that.

Why not? I don't like it. I don't like hearing it at the. Mall or whatever, when I'm at an arrow pastale or that popcorn shop that they have always. That's when the mall's going out of business.

Theo Von
If you have more than one popcorn shop and you're not in Minnesota, your mall is giving day.

But yeah, that's what a lot of gay dudes are hunting for. That ass pussy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, that's all they got. Yeah, but there's a lot of like.

Cause gay dudes would be like, God made me gay, right. Or whatever. I'm not gay by choice. But the second they buy you one drink, they're trying to get you to choose to be gay. It's like.

Nikki Glaser
That's interesting. This is crazy. Yeah, well, because they see how you can make that. They probably are buying into this fluidity thing of like, they probably, as in high school, hooked up with girls and were like, I know how to hook up with someone I'm not attracted to and convince myself to be into it. You do that now with me because they have to do that.

Not maybe kids now, but in some states, yes, but when I was growing up, there weren't out. There weren't kids in my graduating class that were gay. No one was gay that were like. Yeah, everybody called everybody gay, but nobody was deaf, no one was out. But we knew who was.

But they had to hook up with. I mean, into their twenties and thirties sometimes they're hooking up with girls. Can you imagine having to hook up with someone you're just so not into? I mean, yes, I can. I've done it before, but it's.

Alcohol would probably make it so I could do it. Yeah. Or marriage. I think a lot of people get married or whatever, and then they're like, damn, this dude's gay or whatever, and then they're stuck with a gay husband. But I think a lot of women, because of things like, watch what happens live.

Theo Von
They love having a gay husband. It's almost cooler than having a straight husband and whatever he's doing, they'd rather have this crazy gay husband. And then they just write crazy boy on their butt or whatever before sex. Whatever. I don't know.

Nikki Glaser
I don't think that they ever. I think they just. Do you think they know he's gay and they just have a tacit agreement that we're gonna do. Kind of gonna indulge in some of these things, but never call it out that you're gay? Like, I feel like that's a good question.

You're right about like, having a being married to a gay man would be fun because there's a feminine energy to him. That would be like, almost like having a girlfriend. Oh, it's the largest pomeranian you can have if you're a woman, is a gay husband. Yeah. Yes.

But at least your pomeranian could go down on you and enjoy it. That's true. That's true. You know, and have a good time. Yeah.

That is the irony of putting peanut butter on your genitals or whatever and having a dog lick it off. It's disgusting and absolutely illegal and should be. But the dog would like it. No, like, they already like crotches and then plus peanut butter, it would. I mean, there's no denying that that party would enjoy it and wouldn't be like, I don't want to do this.

I mean, unless they're being forced. But if it's on their own licking. Yeah, it's true. We're really not helping each other get. What we want with these bestiality laws we have.

Theo Von
Yeah. It's just like, oh, I know. As soon as animals can vote, dude, we're gonna learn a lot. Or as soon as they can do the Alphabet or whatever. They just had a dog or whatever that can.

Nikki Glaser
With their tongue. No, he can open up a pack of cigarettes, though. Can you look that up? I wanna say it was an australian shepherd. That sounds right.

Theo Von
You need to take him to a vet ASAP. Well, if he's opening up a bag. Of cigarettes, that's crazy, then. Hold on, here's crazy. This is.

This is how insane America is. It says if your dog ate a cigarette, you need to take him to the vet ASAP. However, Americans can smoke them as much as we want. Actually, it says if your dog opened up a pack of cigarettes, you need to take them in the vet ASAP. Tobacco and the filters from cigarettes can be toxic, however.

Yeah, it doesn't say this part, but it low key does. If you are human, feel free to smoke your fucking life away. I mean, and get cancer. No one. It's crazy that people still smoke.

Nikki Glaser
I mean, I vape sometimes. Like, yeah, I vape sometimes, but we. Know it's bad, but what the f. Like, we know it's bad, but yolo. Yeah, I guess it's like, I don't.

Know if it's not ruining my life yet. I can't. Yeah, let me do it. Yeah. There's always gonna be something, I think.

Theo Von
And we're imperfect creatures. It's so hard to not have anything. Yeah, it is. But, yeah. How's that doing, girl?

Nikki Glaser
I think it's pretty good. I really haven't checked in on. I haven't, like, done anything with it in so long. I've just been wiping it after I pee. That's, like, my.

And washing it in the shower. I haven't. I haven't, like, had sex or had an orgasm in a really long time. Really? Yeah, I.

No, yeah, that's why I was, like, when you asked that, I was really like, how is it? Because I haven't done anything with it. I've just been too busy. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Theo Von
If you got busy cooter going on, it is. So. It's good. I think it's really good right now because it's been not, like, neglected in that way. Like, you feel like you get things back and you're like, oh, you build up some chi.

Nikki Glaser
Yeah. Really? Probably. And I do pilates. I'm doing a lot of, like, pelvic floor work, so it's probably pretty good.

Theo Von
I love that. Thank you. I love that for everybody. And also. Yeah, I know my back pussy, my butt pussy, though.

I don't know. I want to talk about that. We can't talk about that here. This is a christian show.

What about. Cause I do notice. So say I'm a man, right? And so if I masturbate, like, the next day, I do feel a little bit weaker or a little bit less organized. You know?

I feel sometimes I'll be a little, like, I'm not 100%. Yeah, I've heard that. I don't do it enough to track it. I do know that I can get compulsive about masturbating if I'm like. If I'm in a compulsive mood.

Nikki Glaser
And I'm like, I'll smoke weed. Okay, I got high, and that was good for five minutes. I'll pick up the guitar. Oh, I played one song. Okay, now I got.

I'll eat a bunch of food, and then I'll do that. And I'm like, I need more dopamine. Okay, I'll masturbate after that. I'm like, okay, I'll go smoke weed again. And then I get back to masturbation.

Not time yet. Not ready to go. I'll eat more. Like, I just. That's when I can sound like a new diet.

Theo Von
I feel like, for, like, a Nashville diet. That's what I feel like. That sounds like, dude, it's horrible. I hate when I get into those spirals of just, like, just chasing it until you fall asleep. Oh, yeah.

Nikki Glaser
Yeah, you're just, like, waiting for sleep to come. But, yeah, that's when I can be too much about it, and that's when I can track, like, oh, yeah, my mood. It's just I'm trying to get dopamine up, but I don't really feel, like, a dullness afterwards, or I don't feel like I'm harnessing anything by not coming or something. I'm sure there's some truth to that, but I haven't felt it. Does a woman feel less complete the day after an orgasm or something like that?

Possibly, but I wouldn't know. I'm not like someone who's like, I haven't tracked it. I haven't. Like, what? Really?

Theo Von
You just haven't noticed in your life? No. I can be really constipated and not know it. I can be like, why do I feel sick and none of my clothes fit? And then I'll go to the bathroom.

Nikki Glaser
I'll be like, oh, my God, I haven't pooped for, like, a week. I just don't notice my body. I'm not in tune with my body. Wow. So I don't like when my friends are like, I feel sick.

I think it's that thing I ate. I would never be able to trace things. I'm not paying attention to what makes me feel good. I'm trying to do that more now and do somatic therapy and, like, you seem really angry. Where's that coming from?

And I literally never have any answer from my therapist about, like, I don't feel things on my body. Really. I'm, like, numb. And it would seem to be that I was molested or something, but I can't remember anything like that happening either. Oh, my God.

You can't. Yeah, exactly. If it happened, I'm glad I didn't remember it, but something keeps me from being in tune. Yeah. Molested or forgetful, that could be a new.

Theo Von
That could be, like a. That's insane. And that's unfortunate to say, dude. No, but there, you know, it's. It's not nobody.

Don't justify that. I shouldn't say, justify what? You could say that because people are molested or. But if you were molested and you forgot your molestation, you still have trauma from it because things happen to us as a baby that we don't understand, that we carry on to. But what a gift it would be to not remember it and just have it be.

Nikki Glaser
Then you just keep blaming your parents forever, not knowing that it was some kind of babysitter you had or something that really did it. And they used to. I was gonna talk about lobotomies, but, yeah. Can you believe that they did lobotomies? Yeah, I can.

Theo Von
It's really unbelievable. Bring up some of the lobotomy information, please. A lobotomy is a type of brain surgery that involves severing the connection between the frontal lobe and the other parts of the brain. Yeah. And lobotomies became popular in the 1930s as a treatment for certain mental health conditions.

Nikki Glaser
There are times when I feel so mentally unwell that I would be like, if it went on long. If it went on a really long time, me feeling that bad, I'd be. Like, please, please take it out. Yeah, please cut the cord connection that is making this happen. Like, you would want just an out.

Like, I still want. It would be like a suicide without having to die. Yeah. Oh, wow. But then you're still just milling around like, God, people are like, but I wouldn't know.

Theo Von
Huh? No. And it's not just bothering people, though. Oh, I would hate it. Traffic.

You're just walking up. People ask, you're just like, a eternal trick or treat. Or you're just bothering people. Yeah. I guess I would never do a voluntary one, but if someone was like, she must be.

Nikki Glaser
I'd be like, oh, okay. You know, like, kind of like, it's not my fault that I'm gonna be that. Yeah, they did this to me. But, yeah, there's times where it's like, I can see why they would want to clip that cord. In addition to people who meet current definitions for mental illness, practitioners also perform lobotomies on people with intellectual disabilities who were gay.

Theo Von
Wow. Who were in prison for crimes, which some blamed on criminal insanity. Oh. A 2018 study also states that most lobotomized people were women. Yeah.

Nikki Glaser
So it was just like, bad pm's. And they're like, Clipper. Yeah. Hey, look, and what about. Who's the group that came over to decide that must have been a crazy dinner, huh?

Theo Von
Because the woman had to cook it and also sit there and defend herself. Oh, my God. I hope they let her clean up before they took her away. Cause who's gonna do that? Oh, my God.

Often, the reasons doctors gave for this was they needed to maintain order in the hospital. You're right. Other reasons included a lack of interest in childcare and strange behavior. What does that mean? What do you mean, a lack of interest in other reasons include a lack of interest.

Nikki Glaser
Oh. I guess they did it to women who probably had postpartum and were just like, I don't really want this baby. Wow. Which most women were just getting raped by their husbands back then and making to have a baby every fucking chance that they could. Why would you want that kid?

Theo Von
Well, we wouldn't have mad men, first of all, if some of that didn't happen. Jon Hamm wouldn't have a career if that didn't happen. So the fact that he. I wouldn't be here if that didn't happen to my grandma. Yeah.

But the fact that he doesn't donate a million dollars a year, okay, to secretaries of America with children is unfucking real.

What lobotomies do to people. Proponents of lobotomies thought that the procedure could address the root cause of mental health symptoms by cutting off the part of the brain they believed was responsible for them. Wow. So it really was just so prehistoric. Let's just go in there and cut the cable.

Nikki Glaser
And you don't get. So you have apathy, you have distractibility. So you get a little add. Right. They reduce the functionality of frontal lobe, resulting in.

Theo Von
Okay, go on. Yeah. So lack of initiative. So no lack of restraint. Okay.

Nikki Glaser
So lack of restraint is not a good thing. That's probably a thing that they go, well, we don't like that. Like we wanna control them. Euphoria. So they reduce the functionality.

Oh, okay. So they reduce the functionality of the euphoria. So they get euphoria. And it resulted in. Yeah.

Theo Von
Euphoria. Feeling of intense happiness. That sounds good. Significant changes in personality. Okay.

Cause I think a lot of those things are things that come from the back of your head. It's like from your limbic system. Based on those symptoms, I'm pretty sure I've had a lobotomy. It's like, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack. God, dude, that's interesting.

Yeah. I'd do it back in the day, I would have been up for it. If you could come back again. If you get to run it back. Right.

Nikki Glaser
Yeah. Whitney Glaser. Sorry. Nikki Glaser. You fucking did that on purpose.

Theo Von
I did not do that on purpose. Yes, you did. I would never do that on purpose. Really? That's funny.

My brain is so really. I love it. I love being, you know, misgendered or whatever. Whitney. Or being thought, well, she's the same gender as me.

Nikki Glaser
I was thinking. You're talking. You were thinking Whitney Cummings. Oh, dang. I wonder if my brain was really.

Or who. What kind of. When you think Whitney, who do you think? Definitely not Houston. You're.

Theo Von
I think hughes titles, to be honest with you. No offense. Very funny. Whitney has some fucking fingers on her. I've seen him.

Nikki Glaser
Have you seen him? Some pool toys. Yeah, they're not. A lifeguard can take the day off. You feel me?

Theo Von
She's got those unsinkable battles. Whitney's on duty. Yes. Yeah. She's got those u boats.

Dude, if I were that baby, I would never grow past two months.

Nikki Glaser
Those are insane. You're right. And they're probably even. They get so good when women are pregnant. Do they?

Oh, my God. My friends who have, like, tiny tits are just, like, giant, firm, full, nice, like, color of nipples. Like, they get a little darker, like, it's just their tits look amazing. God, that's the one thing that they wish to keep. That's what I need.

Theo Von
That frickin. That birthing tit. Yeah. God, it's just something everybody wants. Yes.

Just to see those things and before the baby gets to them. I don't know if it's what everybody wants, but, yeah, I enjoy a pair of, like, Whitney's. You just can't deny they're amazing. And when I saw them, I was like, I want to. Like.

Nikki Glaser
I want to feel what that's like. Yeah. I don't know if I felt them, though. I want to know what love is. You know that song?

Oh, yeah. I want you to know me. Yeah. Something. I think you had it right.

Yeah. Yeah. If you got to be reincarnated based on a lot of what you've done. So you've been a women's lib activist, right? Shut up.

Theo Von
Well, you have. Whatever. A women's lib activist. I'm just a woman or whatever it's called. You mean being a woman and just wanting, like, speaking freely as one?

Nikki Glaser
I don't know that I'm what comes to mind when you think of me like that. No, I think you haven't been, like, a.

Pink pussy hat, like. Yeah. Like, char my vulva or whatever some of those women are doing for Africa or whatever, but I think. Yeah. You're like a proud female.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. So I like being someone who speaks up for women. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I think so. So maybe.

Theo Von
Yeah, it might have been the best term. I didn't mean it like you. I didn't mean it like a negative thing. No, I'm not like a man hate. I hope people don't personify me as, like, a man hating.

Nikki Glaser
No, I don't think that at all. That feminist. I actually like men a lot, and I empathize. Even the things that I'm like, why do men not have to do this and we have to do this? And I'm, like, mad about the disparity.

It's like, I'm not mad at men about it. It's just the gender roles. It's not like, your fault that, like, men's fault that this is the way it is, or there are many ways in which women are shittier or have it better than men do. And it's, like, not our. We don't need to be villainized for it.

It's just kind of the roles we fall into. I think there's a ton of truth to that. What was I just reading the other day? It was about something that women, they don't want to do it. Oh, this was about bumble.

Theo Von
Did you see it? Oh, yeah. They just changed the setting. So men can now reach out to women. Cause it used to be just women only reaching out to men.

Women had to ask first. And I believe women are like, you know what? We don't wanna do that. It doesn't. It's not sexy.

Nikki Glaser
I would say most men are not really. That's a good point. Bumble really does us a favor by having this feature because women need to learn that if you want to attract a man who's a masculine energy man, you gotta let him be the one to lead. And men don't really like women taking the lead. Feminine energy men do.

And it doesn't mean gay men, but, like, there's less. There's like, 20% of men are feminine. Straight men are feminine energy. And that's just. And then there's 20% of women that are masculine energy women, which sometimes I am.

Like, on stage, I'm a masculine energy woman. Like, anyone who's horny for what I do on stage is a feminine energy guy. Probably that, like, is a trend. Like, wants a partner like the person I am on stage. And so a lot of times the guys that are throwing themselves at me after shows are not my vibe, because offstage, I'm like a feminine energy woman.

And I'm like, I want someone like that. I want to be the girl. But then people don't think of me that way because of on stage, you kind of naturally have to be masculine. It's like you're talking to a microphone and having opinions. That's kind of a turn off to men.

Theo Von
It's interesting. I don't think of you as that way. I think probably Eliza maybe I think more of is that way. Cause she's definitely spectrum. But, you know, her pacing and energy, you know, probably add to that.

I wonder who else is that I. Think I like, but just the nature of a woman going like, this is what I think, and everyone needs to listen. Even if I'm like, this is what I think, and everyone needs to listen, and I have my tits out, it's still like you're talking to a microphone, to a bunch of people who have to be quiet, especially men have to be quiet. It's like, it's a masculine energy thing. Yeah.

Nikki Glaser
It's okay that men are like, I don't really like female comics. Like, I get it. It, like, it's like, it makes sense to me when guys are kind of like, that's not my thing. It's like, a woman, like, yelling at you if you grew up with mother. Yeah, yeah.

It's like, I get it. It was hard for me for years. I think sometimes to listen because it was just, like, it. I didn't even know that it reminded me of my mother, but, like, she. It was always something, but, yeah, it totally makes sense.

Theo Von
I think some of that went away after a while, but, yeah, Bumble said now. Yeah, Bumble said that. They're not. For women who date men, making the first move on a dating app can be empowering, but having to do it can be a burden. Now they don't have to, at least on Bumble, the dating app that built its brand on letting women message first, women can now add prompts to their profiles for men to respond to.

Nikki Glaser
Good. I like it. Like, little flirting cues, huh? Love it. Just any chance for a guy to reach out and let you know he's into you without really giving away too much.

Theo Von
Oh, yeah. So embarrassing. Like, even for me, if I like someone and, like, wanna let them know, like, I won't let them know until I'm 100% sure they're into me. Like, 100% sure. I don't want that rejection.

Nikki Glaser
And I'm sure men feel that way all the time. Well, yeah, and there's no sure bets. You know, it's like, everything. I think this is one thing that's a lot in our society these days. Everybody wants a sure bet, right?

Yes. They want a lot of messages to make sure that everything is okay, that there's, like, you're there. Everything has to be a home run. Yeah. Nobody wants to kind of make that move and be at risk.

Theo Von
I mean, they're even setting it up like that here now. But now it's like a little thing. Like, it's like, this is the equivalent of, like, the long, like, a long look across a room at a bar. Like, I've learned. I feel like sometimes autistic when I have to learn how to, like, flirt.

Nikki Glaser
Like, the idea of, like, if you like a guy, you're supposed to, like, hold eye contact for, like, 4 seconds, which is a really long time. But it's just a way to let a guy know tacitly without being aggressive, that, like, I'm into you, then he can. Then he gets it. Like, there's no way that girl's not into me. She just looked at me that long.

But it wasn't like, a masculine energy look. It was like, it wasn't like, come here, boy. It wasn't even like this. It was just like. And then that gives a guy enough confidence.

Like, okay, she's probably into me now. I can approach this, is that it gives them a chance to, like, not risk anything. I always feel like if a girl looks at me like that, it's like she wants to probably, oh, this chick wants to borrow some cash. I feel like, well, that too. You know, I gotta get out of this bar.

Well, yeah, well, you're a celebrity now, so that's different. Like, women are gonna look at you longingly all of the time. It's true. When I started podcasting, having an online store was the furthest thing from my mind. We started just selling a shirt, and then people wanted another shirt, and we said, well, dang, we'll give you another shirt.

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Nikki Glaser
Yeah, you know it. Come on. No, I know some girls like me. Yes, yes, yes. But it's like, I'm not.

Theo Von
I'm not. It has not made dating people any easier for me. No, that doesn't change things. So you want to meet somebody, right? And so then you meet up, you go on a date or something.

You're always afraid that they're gonna videotape you or try and, like, take advantage of you. Like, I'll be eating breakfast, and I'll see videos later online where people have, like, videoed me. I see you all the time, and. It makes me just, like, feel very nervous, you know? It should.

Nikki Glaser
And it makes you not trust people, and it makes you question. Yeah, I can only imagine. I'm glad that I haven't reached that level yet, where I feel like, what. Are you talking about, dude? Every time there's always somebody.

Theo Von
Every time I scroll through TikTok, you're yelling about your pussy or something. That's probably true, but the algorithm has found you. I'm not, like, right now. I'm going through having, like, a moment where I'm being more recognizable. But prior to this week, I don't think it was at a level of what you deal with, where people are filming you and stuff that's got to feel weird.

Yeah, well, I think there's. The thing I didn't realize is sometimes entertain. It's like, then I feel like I have to entertain. Because you don't want to be like, hey, motherfucker. Yeah, they're filming.

Because then you're like a bag. Look at this. Guy's a bad guy. Video of you being a dick. Yes.

Or whatever. And people are like, knew he was back on the dust or whatever, and you're like, what the fuck? Huh? Do you read that shit? I don't read all of it, but I definitely see stuff.

Nikki Glaser
You know, you can't miss it, of course. Yeah. And then it doesn't even matter if you don't read it. You're like, you. Then you just.

Your mind wanders to what they could be saying, and it's usually worse than what they even are. It's like, yeah, that's gotta feel shitty. I've seen. Yeah, some people, like, bombard you before, and you're always funny and you're always nice. Yeah.

But also, you are someone that people just feel so close to and feel so connected to and feel like you're looking out for them and that you care about them, that people are just. But also you're someone who's. Even if they film you in your natural habitat and you don't know you're being filmed, I trust you to be someone. You're just not someone that's gonna be, like, so different than you are here. Yeah, yeah.

Theo Von
It's like I'm gonna be buying a slave or something, or doing something, you know, or, you know, burying somebody. But. Yeah, I think. I think it's. And I'm not complaining.

I love getting to meet people. I think it has been interesting sometimes when it gets to levels of where you really. Some people do have to buy slaves. There's a human slave trade. I mean, you see it in bathrooms.

Nikki Glaser
Like, if you see a slave, like. A white house, probably someone has. I think, you know, there is. There is. Yeah.

I mean, they're everywhere. But then Miami, literally, people have to. Meet up to exchange money to buy people all the time. That's crazy. And imagine.

Theo Von
You have to imagine getting all that cash out of an ATM, dude, you must have to. How much. How much is a. I don't even if we can look this up. How much is a person on the Internet?

This is horrible. We. We. Honestly, this. Because I have no idea.

Nikki Glaser
I would guess you could buy a person. How much is Russia for? $20,000. $10,000 probably in some markets. It's so sad.

Theo Von
Average cost right here of russian mail order brides, which I'm not saying fuck out. And this is way too much. Is it? Huh? I want to denote that we're not talking about the same.

We haven't. We're not saying, hey, a russian mail order bride is somebody that enjoyed farming in the past or whatever. This is average cost of a Russian Miller bride, $2500 to $4,500. Wow. Yeah, I thought it would have been.

Nikki Glaser
Oh, I'm aging out of russian bride this month. Fuck, I hate this. This bums me out so much. When I age out of slave, like being a trafficked, I'm out. No one wants to traffic me.

Theo Von
That could be your next special on trafficking. Please. It's so good. Cause that is the exact age I'm at where it's like, you just. I'm not worried about it.

Nikki Glaser
I know young girls that, like, do worry about it getting stolen. Yeah. Well, let me tell you this, ladies. If you're at the gas station, some guy's like, hey, will you help me look for something in the trunk of my car? And you get in there, dude, you shouldn't get in there.

Theo Von
You know what I'm saying? So it's like, you're so fucking funny. Some of it's basic rules. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Of companionship. Yeah. You know what I was gonna say? Oh, I was gonna say something that was interesting. Oh, russian bride.

Nikki Glaser
Sorry. You know the percentage of people that had slaves? What percentage of people owned slaves in America?

I'm gonna say, like, back. Yes. Yeah. Don't hit me. 73 or.

What are you talking about? Like, 18. Like, at the peak of slaves, 1820. I would. I would say, honestly, just the wealthiest.

I would say 50% because it was probably. There was more wealth back then. I would say 5% or less. Oh, yeah. Okay.

25%. Only 25% are in slaves, but slavery factored heavily in the economy of all the colonies. Wow. Wow. We also don't know if this is.

A. Yeah, we don't know what this is reference exactly. It feels like a statistic that should be readily available. Oh. He posted one lie circulating.

Theo Von
Only 1% of white southerners owned slaves, but the 1% of white southern families owned 200 or more human beings. But in states of the Confederacy, at least 20% owned at least one. And in Mississippi and South Carolina, ran as high as 50%. Wow. You're right.

Nikki Glaser
Jesus, man. Yeah. I mean, we all, like, wear things and use things that are made by slaves. Like, we all participate in it. This skirt was made by a slate.

Someone who is not getting paid a lot and working back breaking hours in some country. Like, it's just the way that it is. We're so fucking lucky. Are we, though? I mean, we are to not be doing that.

We're the luckiest people that have maybe ever lived in the history of humankind. We're in the top zero. Zero 1% of luckiness, for sure. But I just mean, as a overall society. No, I mean, that's where I was going.

I still don't feel like, oh, just because some woman my age is a slave over there that, like, I can't complain about my life. I don't feel that because I feel like, you know, there's problems with my life, too, that are just, you know. Yeah. And it's all about if she were in my shoes. It's all relative.

Theo Von
Yeah. That she made. Yeah.

Nikki Glaser
You dare try them on? She already walked a mile in them, dude. To break them in, to, like, give them that worn look that you pay extra for.

I'd walk a mile in hers, but I don't want to wear, you know. I'm gonna stop you. It's sad. Oh, it's sad. You gotta laugh about it because you.

Theo Von
Have to laugh about it. The other day, I'm not making excuses for being, like, I'm making an inappropriate joke. Laughing at slaves, literally. What the fuck am I supposed to do otherwise? At least I'm talking about it.

Yeah. Like, it's. At least it's something if I feel. Oh, yeah. The other day, I was with some black guys.

This other black guy came up and they said, damn, larry, look like a slave. And I was like. And everybody laughed. You know, I wrote a joke for the roast that was about Andrew Schultz. That was like, you.

Nikki Glaser
What's this look you've got going on? You look like a plantation owner that wants his slaves to think he's cool, which is, like, a great joke, but the word slave, like, just turns people off. And it was too high risk to, like, drop that word. And at first, I was seeing a slave owner that wants a slave. I think he's cool.

But then I did it in finesse. Mitchell, a black man saw me do it at the laugh factory, and he suggested make it plantation owner just to, like, take some of. Cause the black community, I guess, does not even like the mention of that word, which is something I didn't. Of course. Of course they don't.

But I wasn't even, like, thinking that. Yeah, they were offensive. Or just, like, just not a cool thing to just say liberally like that. Yeah. Yeah.

But I wouldn't have thought about that. I don't know. Maybe that's really me being so naive and just a dumb white bitch, but I didn't know that. But now I do. Yeah, well, that's not.

That's not the perfect picture for that. What I was just saying. But that's. You get it. Yeah.

Theo Von
Let's talk about the rose. Congratulations. Thanks. First of all, you were so funny. Thanks.

And not that you weren't gonna be, but I think it's a tough environment to do it in. I had one experience with a roast. Right. Nothing in comparison to yours, but I realized something about it. It was probably, like, eight years ago or twelve years ago or something.

It was like, who was on it? It was like, I think, like, it was like, a lot of, like, B list or D list celebrities type. Where was it? It was like, teala tequila. Oh, it was like, for a network.

Germaine Dupree, I think, maybe was on it. I don't know who else was on it. Was this a VH one? MTV Comedy Central? What?

Oh, no. It was just a fundraiser somewhere. Okay. This is a fundraiser. Not, like, filmed.

Nikki Glaser
Never gonna exist anywhere, but still. But still, right? And it was like. And like, oh, that lady octor mom or whatever, that had children. Oh, my God, Natalie woman or.

Yeah, yeah. She had, like, 30 children or something. Oh, my God. This is a great roast fodder. You think it's funny and easy, it's gonna be cool.

Theo Von
But then you get up there and the people are right there. Yeah. And you're like, oh, my God, this is gonna hurt some people's feelings. And I have to say this stuff. Yes.

That was when I realized what a tough moment it is. Do you feel that when you're doing it? I thought, no, I don't, actually. The only time I. If you sign up for a roast, like, I understand maybe the first roast that ever happened, and I would feel bad.

Nikki Glaser
Cause, like, what is this? And I wrote all these jokes, but, like, go watch roast compilations. That's what's coming at you. If you agreed to do this, you are opening yourself up to that. But what if you sign up for a contest?

Theo Von
Say you sign up for something where somebody's gonna call you a f a g g o t. Right? You sign up for it. He's like, that's the thing. You want to sign up.

You're like, yeah, I'll sign up for it, dude. And it seems chill. You're whatever. You're backstage. Yeah.

Nikki Glaser
That sounds like a good time. Yeah. You're backstage practicing or whatever, like, how you're going to react when they call you. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But then you go, that's literally Tom.

Brady in the bowels of the Kia forum the other night is practicing what to look like when they call him that word. Probably. Yes. That's what I heard, is that, you know, he was nervous beforehand. He's probably more worried about his own set than thinking about the reactions.

But I think that's a part of being on a roast where you have to, like, think about what you're gonna do when they make fun of you. Yeah. Yeah. I can't hide my feelings. I think it would be tough.

Yeah, it is tough. That's why I was so glad that I would, like, next time, they'll come at me hard because I'll be known, but this time, no one knows me, so no one came at me. I mean, there were a couple jokes, but nothing but that consistent. Every person's gonna hit you. I would hate that.

I'm gonna hate that. And I'll be older. My face will have more things in it that will make it look weird for people to make fun. Like, you know, like, there'll be. There will be more fodder, and it will hurt a lot.

A lot. So you agree, though, that there's some pain there? Oh, so much pain. But I did, like I said before, when I've been doing roast, I never thought about people's feelings. And I think the last roast I did was five years ago.

And in that time, I think I've worked on myself enough to have empathy and not want to hurt people. And so this time, I was really worried about it. And I'm not saying this joke about Jeff Ross. It's too mean, and I don't even believe it. I don't want to say this joke about Burt Kreischer only having one joke.

I don't even feel that way. But it's like my friends kept reminding me, it's a roast. This is what it is. And they signed up for it. Don't pull back.

It's just, it's this, right? So I just. But I fought it a lot. There were some jokes I didn't do just and wouldn't even say here because I was just like, they came from such a mean place, and I could never, ever say that to someone's face. But five years ago, I definitely would have done that joke.

Theo Von
Really? So you think you were toned down this time. Yeah. I mean, but in the right way. Like, I think it resonated because I hit the exact right tone, like, you do.

Nikki Glaser
You do that slave joke, and I could have lost people because they're just like, why did she say slay? Like, the set was built perfectly. Don't say it anymore. Yeah, I know. It was built perfectly so that it was.

Didn't affect, but I didn't pull back. I found ways to go just as hard in the way that I wanted to. Oh, yeah. I thought it was really masterful. Thanks, man.

Theo Von
Yeah, it was really, really cool. And then. Yeah, you just see you everywhere, and everybody's like, she killed it. This bitch is it. She's the fucking honky Cardi B.

People are saying, I haven't read that. Yet, but that's cool. Yeah, no, like, it's cool that it's like, what I found. She's a new Betsy Ross. Somebody wrote something.

Nikki Glaser
Whoa. I don't even. Wait, like, Betsy. Like 18 hundreds Betsy Ross? Yeah.

Theo Von
The lady that made the fricking the flag. Oh, my God. Let's get up. Yeah. Thank you.

Nikki Glaser
That is really good. 1717 hundreds. Betsy Ross. My bad. This is my buddy.

Theo Von
His great grandfather knew her, and she was a chatty bee, dude. Oh, yeah, look at her. And she lived forever, and people were like, well, this chatty bee just died. She made one. Cool.

Nikki Glaser
She would have had a podcast. Oh, a hit podcast. That's true. Huh? Call her Betty.

Theo Von
Yeah, call her Betty. She would have had it, man. But they, like, she probably said five sentences a day, and they're like, she was chatting, you know? Like, she probably was chatting just like, can I get some water? You know, Rick's wife made that flag, and she's been real chatty since then.

Nikki Glaser
She looks so quiet. Thankfully, my wife's missing. It was different times back then, dude, but I was. You could just kill your wife. Well, hold on.

Theo Von
You cannot and do not say that. Do not get that out of the way. No. Like, you. Not now.

Please don't. You're gonna get caught. But back then, like, you could do anything. It was so, like, that's. I've been talking a lot about, like, on stage, about the desire to have kids or not have kids, and how I think that a lot of the feeling that when women tell me, like, you gotta do it, you know, and I know they're just trying to get other women.

Nikki Glaser
Like, when you're not having a good time, you're like, other people, will you do this, too? There's a part of it. And it's very rewarding in its own way, but I think a lot of it, they actually do believe it's so rewarding. But you, I think at some point you have to convince yourself that it is because you have no other option. You have to like it.

You can't let in that this is a regret because you can't take it back. You can let in that you regret marrying your husband. Cause there's an out or, oh, I bought this house or even this tattoo I got. You can let in a little regret when you're like, oh, I can get it removed, kid. You just have to.

You have to convince yourself you like it. And I think you do actually end up liking it because of that, but I think it's because there's no outcome. What do you think about that? Yeah. It's almost like going to prison in a way.

Theo Von
Kind of, yeah, because you can't be the guy in prison. It's every day. He's like, man, prison sucks. You're so right. And people are like, dude, shut the fuck up.

I have to be in here for 21 and a half more years. Yes, but if you have a life sentence, like, it would just. You would just. It would be your life. I think I could probably accept it if there was just no getting out.

I'd like a life sentence better than I would like you get out in 40 years. Oh, when you think it's your choice and you could appeal and, like, there. Yes. Because none of your chicks either, if you hit them up when you get out, bro, it's a rap, dude. They're gonna be like, 40 years.

Nikki Glaser
Oh, yeah. Well, hopefully you have a pen pal that you've been lubing up, and then there's someone waiting for you, but as soon as you're available, they don't want you. Like, as a woman who's attracted to unavailable men, as soon as a guy would get out of prison, I'd be like, I just think we should be friends. Like, I would. You know all that stuff I said I was gonna do with you?

Theo Von
Yeah. I'm just not into it anymore. Because now you're free. But I. There's a part of me that understands when women are attracted to guys that have life sentences, they can never be with them.

Wow. Fear of intimacy. That guy will never get to know me, never touch me. And I can just dream about it. And I can tell everybody about it.

It's a great story. Yes. I'm the hero. Yeah. Yeah.

Nikki Glaser
Or I'm the psycho who likes this guy who murdered his wife and has convinced myself that he wouldn't do that to me if he had a chance. Yeah, yeah, I'm the one, or that. I want that kind of, or I want to be the one that's like, he wouldn't murder me. They murdered everyone else. Like, I remember hearing about this, like.

Theo Von
Yeah, there's no way he's gonna murder me, dude. Oh, Ben Affleck, what was it? What was he like? I'm always a fascinating man. I'm such a fan.

You didn't. No, he just. We didn't meet even Brady before the show began. We just, like, got mic'd, got sat, and then all of a sudden the show starts. Is that one of the reasons they do it?

You think so? There's no. No, because then I guess maybe this is a different production company this time, different network. It used to be Comedy Central. We would all hang out a little bit before, like, five minutes before you'd shake their hand, like the guy you're about to roast.

Nikki Glaser
But there was none of that this time. And then Affleck, I think, just wanted in n out. Cause he didn't want anyone to even know he was there to be roasted. And I think he was supposed to stay on stage after he got done, but he, fuck it. He booked it out of there because Tom referenced him in his set at some point, and it was written in the prompter as if Ben would still be there and he was gone.

So I think either he got out because it didn't go the way he wanted it to, or he got out because he's like, I didn't realize it was gonna be this kind of thing. I'm not gonna sit there and get jokes told about me. Damn. So. But, yeah, it was.

That was weird. So he was just in and out? In and out. Yeah. And, yeah.

Theo Von
What was it like when he was up there? What's it like when somebody's up there and they are trying something, right. And it's maybe not being perceived or going over as well. Right. We all do that.

It's like trying a new joke. It's a brave way to do it. It just sucks for him that in, the reason his set went poorly is because he committed to a joke. That is the whole, like, if the joke doesn't work, the whole set's gone. Cause the whole set was this one premise of I'm reading a tweet and I'm talking back to this guy.

Nikki Glaser
So if it. The first joke bombs, the whole, that's what's based. He didn't switch to another joke. Like, for me, one of my joke bombs, I can get it back in the next one. Totally different reset.

But his was all about this one thing. So much risk. It was not a good something. Either he didn't prepare well enough or something happened, but it was, but it could have happened to anyone. It's just, yeah, it happened to him and it sucked.

Theo Von
He's always been a risk taker, though. I feel like. Yeah, and he doesn't give a fuck. Like, no one's even talking about whatever that was. Like, it'll be forgotten.

Nikki Glaser
He'll be fine. And he is a risk taker. I like that he even did it. And he had a point of view. You can tell it.

Like, the whole premise of it was like, tom handed me his phone one day and I saw his messages and I couldn't even fathom what the hate he was getting. So he started talking to one of those people that was tweeting at him, and you could tell he was just really, that was his vendetta. He wanted to say something to the fans because he's been attacked so much. So, yeah, like, he wanted to get something out that was inside of him. It just didn't come out the right way.

But it was a good premise. I think that was personal for him and obviously to Tom of getting so much hate. Like, yeah, it's something, but it doesn't resonate with other people because we don't, most people aren't getting hate online and are just like, I don't care. Like, writing the hate exactly. Like we as comedians are always talking about.

Do you read the hate and stuff? People can't relate to that. People aren't getting this kind of, there are like, you know, there's a lot of influence out there, but it's not a relatable thing. Yeah, I guess if you have, like, 400 followers, and that would be a lot for just a normal person if you know that many people that are following you. If you get like 14 likes on something, that's good.

Like, are you getting sad if you get seven? Right? Like, what? It's probably just all the same. Yeah, you don't, you're not like, as obsessed with that stuff and some people don't even have that shit to create themselves.

Theo Von
Yeah, I'll get some things that'll be like, bet your son will be a f, a g or whatever, you know, and then it'll be like, go raiders or whatever. Go. Or go jets all over the place. And you're like, well, what is this about? Is this a Draftkings advertisement?

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Was it better having the Comedy Central run the roast or was it better with Netflix? It was different. I think because this was live, I was just like, why are they gonna do that? Like, why are they gonna do it live? Because it was an event.

Nikki Glaser
That's why everyone watched it. If this would have been just, like, something that aired later on, I don't think it would have been this good, because there were just, it was like, everyone was like, what the fuck? This is live. It was really crazy. And that's why in past roasts, I've done really, I've done this well before.

In past roast, I feel. But when it. After it's edited, everyone looks like they did that good because of the magic of editing. So I've never had, like, this kind of splash. Not, not that I've been like, why didn't more people say I was good?

It just, I never even thought to think that, but I was like, I didn't. This, to me, was like a same that I've done on everyone, but it was just like, it wasn't. I just did a set that wasn't edited, that looked edited because I knew it wouldn't be edited. So I didn't have the benefit of, I'll tell that joke and they'll just cut it if it doesn't go well. So I just had to make it, like, perfect.

Thanks, man. Way to think something through. Sometimes it's so hard to figure out all those little angles and piece them all together. It's really. And I got so much advice from my friends who work in production and who work in live production, my friends who are just good writers, good roast writers.

I just got a lot of advice of how to frame it and tell a story, because you could just get up there and just tell the best jokes and pick the best ones, and that will be a great set. But there's other elements to it, too, that make it fun and can make it just more palatable, I guess. Yeah. I think your level of confidence, too, having had done it a lot, I think definitely helps. Also, Comedy Central was horribly late to the social media game.

Can you believe Comedy Central's still on? On. I think they have one show. They have two shows, three original shows right now. I think they have South park, awkwafina, and one other animation show.

That's all their original programming. Wow. Like, how different is that than even ten years? Like, it's insane. But you had comedy.

Theo Von
You're the one thing that a comedy, you're titled. But we've talked about that a lot on here, how they kind of dropped the wall, but the biggest thing that they did was they went late to social media. They went really late to it. They went late to Internet. They just were late to that whole game.

Nikki Glaser
Yes. You know, they. And Daily show. Sorry, they have daily show. Oh, sorry.

They have. Yes, that's it. Daily Show. Awkwafina, Digman, and South park. That's it.

That's nuts. They used to have so much. Yeah, well, times have just changed, too. I mean, people aren't really watching, but they were late, and I think that didn't help as well. So.

Theo Von
As if roasters did great for people to see it as easily. Yeah, I blew up from the roasts because of clips. When TikTok came around, like, that's when people noticed me from the original roast. And Netflix makes good clips. I mean, their clips just look glossier.

It's just, you know, even as compared to stuff you see on, for some reason, they, they just do it. They do a better job of it. And then Tom Brady is so high profile, you just don't realize it. Yeah, I didn't even want to do a roast again. Like, I don't know the idea of roasting like the Jonas brothers, not that they even asked me to do that roast, but when that was, I was like, oh, that's the level where they.

Already did that one. Yeah. And I probably would entertain it, but it was like, I just didn't want to put myself up to be made fun of. Like, it's just not worth it to me if it's not a big deal. And Tom Brady, I'm like, this is a big deal.

Nikki Glaser
So I wrote, I think, robbie Praw, the guy at Netflix who books everyone, and I think I wrote to him, or he wrote to me about something else, and I go, I saw this Tom Brady roast. This is, like, six months ago. And I was like, I want that. And he was like, I'm actually meeting with Tom pretty soon. I was like, tell Tom I'm the Tom Brady of roasting and that it's not gonna be a Tom Brady roast without the best roaster there is right now.

And did I believe that at the time? No, but I know what I meant was, I'll work the hardest. I might be a six round draft pick, but I'll fucking, I'll prove to everyone by working hard. I will not take this lightly. This is a big.

And so I don't even know if he communicated that to him, but I remember I never talk myself up in that way. Like, I'm really not very good at being like, I can do this, but I really did feel like I could. And so I thought, oh, if I can appeal to Tom's sense of, like, I have work ethic like you do, and I won't phone this in. This is. You're a big deal.

I'm like, get me. And so when I got it, I was like, you. This is the. You have to give it everything, right? If you ask for the ball, you have to fucking.

Theo Von
You have to. Everything. Yes. So the amount of. I worked on that.

Nikki Glaser
I don't love working that hard, but you just have to ask for help. You just have to have asked for help in terms of, like, stopping other things and having people protect you from getting overworked and. Were you wearing panties up there or not, to be honest. Oh, yeah, totally. Oh, yeah.

Theo Von
You got. I was wearing. I was actually. Yeah. Did you think about what panties you wear?

Cause Tom Brady's gonna be there. Do you. Is that like a. Is that a perverted thing to ask? No, not at all.

Nikki Glaser
Actually. I think really perverted. No, it really. I think, yeah, you kind of do think, you know what? If there's no chance I'm having sex, I really don't give a shit, you know?

And, like, no one's gonna see. I don't care. So I don't think. I think that I wanted them to be black in case something happened and they show, but there was no chance of them showing. My skirt wasn't as short as it may have looked.

Theo Von
If your vagina hair gets real long, do women comb it or whatever? I don't know. Mine never gets that long enough to think about. You probably try to tuck it up, I would think, into the underwear. But, no, I.

Nikki Glaser
But if. Yeah, I definitely would. If I was, like, out and I was like, I'm gonna have sex. And I didn't prepare for this, and I was wearing, like, a bad thong. I would just wear.

No, I would just take it off and throw it away because I'd rather be wearing none than, like, a disappointing pair. Even though I know most men don't even fucking. Stray animal on. Give him a little treat. On.

Yeah. Hey, uh, bubbles? Huh? You wanna party a little tonight? Go get your rocks off, little pony.

Theo Von
Did you. Was there part of you that thinks I may have a chance with Tom? I mean, you're an attractive lady. You're very funny. You actually look kinda like Giselle, you know?

Nikki Glaser
That's really nice of you. And people are gonna comment that Theo was on one when he said that, but I will say he's on that dust. Exactly. Well, I will say that I have a boyfriend. So I was like, no, but he would understand.

Theo Von
Yeah, he would left him for Tom. Yeah. Who's not gonna understand. I'm not gonna leave him for him. But if I bang Tom, like, I think he'd probably be like, you gotta do it.

Yeah, get in there. Like, but I. That wasn't in my. I really did not think that, but, yeah, I mean, like, I will say that, you know, I've done these roasts before, and last time, I was single, and I, like, did a bunch of jokes about wanting to fuck Blake Griffin because he was gonna be there, and I would. I mean, I would.

Nikki Glaser
He's an attractive man. I was single, so I was like, I'll throw in jokes about that and. Just see what happens. And it's a joke, you know? Like, I don't really want.

It's a joke, but, yeah. Was there a little bit of, like, I would maybe, like, try me. Like, I'm not, like, just gonna do. Oh, oh, he'll fuck me in a bat, like, if he wants to. And, like, he's charming.

Like, it's a way to flirt. It's definitely a way to open the conversation. Yeah. So, yeah. Oh, my God.

Okay. I can kinda see it. I mean, that's my goal. Like, my. Giselle's the prettiest person that's ever lived.

Very, very cute. I could get to a 9.2. If I keep getting the right kind of work in doctors. I could maybe get to looking like her, like her half sister or something like that. Yeah, like Jiz out.

Yeah, exactly. Whoa, dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry.

I, like. I'm trying to think of another one. Jiz Zelle. But, like, the way you pay people. Yeah.

Theo Von
Like, that's the ultimate hooker named Jizzell. Ah, that's great. That would have been a good roast joke, huh? Maybe. That's good.

Nikki Glaser
That's good. No, you've got it. You could fucking. I was thinking your brain to write, like, next time I do a rose, I'm just gonna be like, can I just send pictures of the people? And you just tell me the first thing that comes to your mind, because you say, you're the funniest.

You're one of the funniest people that's ever lived. Like, you are, mate. You would be amazing at roast jokes. You're able to just, like, look at something and break it down in a way that, you know, you. Yes, you do know.

I mean, like, you've just been. Maybe you don't know the way your mind works and processes. Things is so fucking elite and cool. And yeah, whenever I'm feeling not funny, I'll watch some of your compilations and stuff of just how you talk and how you think. And it gets my mind into a place of being more creative.

Theo Von
Oh, that's sweet of you. Like, I don't know if you ever feel that way. Like, the people you're around, like, make me funnier. Like, I absorb it. Oh, I think that there's a lot of truth to that.

It's funny. Cause, and thank you. No, it's true. Sweet stuff for you to say. I think there was a time when my brain was really good and something happened to my brain.

I think I might be getting a disease or something. No way. No, you're sharp as ever. Oh, I don't know. Really?

Nikki Glaser
You feel it? I live in here. You feel a dullness. Like, I just feel like a lot of times my brain used to just give me, like, the craziest, like, best idea and it wouldn't even surprise me. And now this motherfucker's just a fucking.

You might be used to it, though. I don't know because I haven't sensed a dip off from just observing. You make me laugh. That's what I was thinking today. It's like sometimes you sit in here and you have fun and this is one of those times.

Oh, well, making you laugh is a privilege. But I always just come in here. I'm like, I'm not even gonna try to be funny. I just wanna, like, laugh because I actually, I'm on Reddit a lot and people, comedian, subreddit. Oh.

Theo Von
Thinking of a drug or whatever. Like, how many milligrams? The more milligrams of Reddit. Somebody's worst they're doing, dude. No, I only, only do it at night after a long day.

Nikki Glaser
I love Reddit, but they'll show me a lot of my friend comedians and I kind of see their subreddits. And yours is so beloved and people love you so much. And I've not participated in it, but I've read through it and sometimes I just go through and they'll be like, what's your favorite theoism? And I'll just read them. You're brilliant.

I don't mean to fan out, but I'm just saying, when I came in here, I'm like, oh, I'm just gonna laugh the whole time. That's what it is. You and Tim, Dylan, that episode, fuck it. I've listened to it a couple times. No, he is, but he's next.

I mean, he's next level. You guys are on the same level. I saw him at a dessert place or whatever, of dessert banquet. It might have even been like a. Like a.

Theo Von
Like a dog show, but for desserts, you know? Okay. And it was like a. And he was there. I think he was a judge or.

Nikki Glaser
Whatever the fuck that means. Okay. He was like, man, that. We did something that day, didn't we? Dude, did you ever.

I've talked about it so often, and I just talked to someone recently who was like, theo and Tim, and we were quoting pieces of it where you guys were talking about those. The Uber eats drivers, the doordash guys. Yeah, you had some great lines in that. Like, you guys, you both were just on fire. It was so fun.

Oh, my God. That was such a great episode. You guys need to get together too often. More often. This has been fun.

Theo Von
I got to go do his show. He's like, let's let it simmer. Let's let it. We want more. He's like, just let it, you know, let's raise the calf.

Nikki Glaser
No, no, no. Don't raise the calf because there's no amount that we as fans, I'm a fan of both of yours in the same way, and I'm not like that with every comedian. Like, I'm not consuming their content. But you guys, I would be like, the way I would be, like, refreshing. When is this gonna be posted?

I'd be so excited. It's my favorite. Yeah, he makes me laugh. Yeah. I've been lucky to have some neat conversations with people and.

Theo Von
Yeah. And then it's a good way, too, to get to know people. And then this is what I start to realize, Nikki, it's like, the most time you get to spend sometimes in a real conversation with some of the comedians is through podcasting. This is our hang. Someone said the thing of, like, did comedians have friendships before podcasting?

Nikki Glaser
Like, what did they do? Like, yeah, this is how I get to know people. This is how. This is the most. We've hung out.

We've gone to, like, dinner before and stuff. But, like, these are where we have conversations that we would never have even at dinner, maybe of just, like, sitting and doing nothing else. We're not on our phones. When are you hanging with someone not on your phone? So, yeah, this is how I love podcasting for the friendship that you get out of it sometimes in the hang.

It's great. Yeah. And to get to catch up and have some moments in someone's life. Yeah. Do you jockey for position with the roasts on where you get to be in the order.

I tried, you know, I said, I want to go for. How does that work? You just, like, wait for them to tell you what the fuck is going on. Because there's no, like, you don't know a lot. They're just like, here's who's gonna be on.

And then you find out, like, oh, that person dropped out a week ago. And I'm like, okay, well, I've been writing about them for a week. Can you tell me? Like, it's kind of like. Like, who dropped out?

Mike Tyson and then someone else. I'll tell you off air, but, yeah, like, there. Man or woman? I'm gonna ask three people. There were actually three men that dropped off two comedians.

Theo Von
Mm hmm. Mike Tyson and then one celebrity. Three comedians. Mike Tyson. Two comedians.

Two comedians. And they were men. Yeah. And I don't even know if they were confirmed. I.

Nikki Glaser
Maybe they were names that were floated. I wish. Oh, I. Cause I'm friends with him enough to be like, don't drop out. What are you doing?

This is great for you, you know? But, no, it wasn't. It wasn't him. And I don't. Don't tell us any names.

Cause I can't lie, and I'll make you cut it. I can't think of other people. Oh, good. Great. I'm so glad your brain is doing exactly what you said it was doing.

Theo Von
The idea, it's just empty. Yeah. Dang. But Mike Tyson, so he didn't want to do it, or he just couldn't. Who knows?

Nikki Glaser
He could have had something that he had to go through training. Who knows? I think at one point, Gronk was supposed to miss it. He was on it, and then they took him off because he had to go to a wedding, and then he decided to come back on, and I was like, thank God he made that roast. So, essentially, it wouldn't have been the same without him.

So I'm so glad he decided to do it. The people that dropped out would have been great, but it wasn't like they weren't showstoppers in terms of what's gonna happen. They would have killed, though there's one in particular that I'm like, come on, man. What are you doing? You should have done it.

And I think he. Dave Attel, probably. I wish he'd be amazing at it. I've never seen him do a roast, though. But I thought too.

But, yeah, I wanted to go first because that's where I've gone before, right after the host just open it up, and then I'm done, and I can relax and just enjoy the night. I don't want to sit there all night, like, thinking about my set and, like, I just want to be done. I always want to go first on shows. I just don't want to wait around. And think, that's how I am during sex, dude.

Theo Von
You know? And people with. Yeah, girls don't understand it. See, I want them to go first, and then, like, so I don't have to worry about pleasing them. Yes, exactly.

That's. Yeah, you're the same way. Yes, yes. I want to go first, get my. Work done, and then I can relax and get my stuff done.

Oh, I see what you're like after. I got you off. Like, now I feel like I can just relax if I'm like, you know, if I. It's like when you massage someone and you're like, all, massage you after this. Like, I can't enjoy the massage.

Nikki Glaser
Cause I'm like, I have to massage this bitch after this. Like, kind of like that. But I ended up. Yeah, I asked for a first spot, but you just. I don't have any power.

I was just like, I would like to really go first if there is a chance for me, and I'm the least fucking thing. And they go, I go, I think it would really behoove the show for me to go early. I've gone early three in three different rows, and it worked out, but I don't want to also be, like, the last production company did it this way. Right. Because they might go, well, then we're not doing it that way.

Cause we're doing things differently. So we're. What were the differences between the comedy central version and the Netflix version, you think? Well, the one was. It was live.

It was live. So that made it totally different. Yeah, I think. I didn't think about this before, but after the fact, like, you can say any, like, I never censored myself, but it would get bleeped. And bleeped things aren't as funny as just saying it.

Sometimes they are. Sometimes a bleep is funnier than the word, right. But it was 100% live. Like, yeah, no way. So scary.

I'm not kidding you. Oh, and I've said this before on another podcast, so I don't want to repeat myself, but I think we'll get into something else with this. Is that, dude, I had my set locked in. It's in the prompter. I just gave it right before we're going out, like, last minute.

I'm making changes to certain words. Everything. It's perfect. I submit it. I'm out there.

And then Kevin Hart does one of the jokes in my set, and there's nothing I can do. There's no stop down, there's no commercials. And I'm just like, what do I do? And I just decided to tell it. Thankfully, it was.

Our sets were separated enough that I was like, people might forget that he said that. But that was like, there's just. And, oh, this is another thing. Oh, I haven't said this before, speaking of underwear. And I was gonna say this, and then I go, don't say this, but I think it's kind of.

Theo Von
I think it's good. Yeah. I think people need to know it. What is it? I like, right before my period ended, like, a day before the roast, and so I was like, I'm good.

Nikki Glaser
Took out the last one. Like, I don't know if you know how it works. How many do you do? Cause they're almost like cigarettes. You don't do a whole pack, do you?

Sometimes, like, if you're really, like, yeah. Oh, you can go through. Not in a day. It's. In a day.

It's about three or three. Two to four in a day. Four on a very heavy day. And maybe some girls are fives, and some days, maybe your girl is a one if you're. Yeah, I thought there was just one.

Theo Von
And then a couple days later, you take it out. No way. Really? Yeah, yeah, it's three or four a day. We all thought that.

Nikki Glaser
Really? Well, this is three or four days, and I wouldn't expect you to know that. Like, it's like, we're not talking about it. Yeah, you're gonna need the gum to quit. Dude.

Theo Von
That's crazy. What? Yeah, I was doing. Oh, wow. No filter.

Nikki Glaser
But I like. But, yeah, there's some. No. So why does Marlboro make a tampon? They.

They probably should with some nicotine in it. That's a way to absorb it. I mean, there's one. You can soak vodka and get high from doing that, but I. So I was on my last one, and, like, at my age, your period will stop and it'll start, and, like, there's just as funky things.

It's, like, puttering out. Like, it's like, we don't know what's going on. So I thought it was done. And then I'm going to. For my right to go to the bathroom right before we go on.

I'm like, I'm just going to pee one last time, and, like, it's back on more period. It's back. It went from nothing for a day. Nothing I was done to. It's enough that something needs to be like, I can't just, like, wipe it and be like, ugh.

And I'm in bathroom. I mean, foreign bathroom forum. At the Kia forum. I'm in the bathroom in the backstage. So it's, like, in this, like, kind of party area.

It's not a bathroom that has, like, women's products or anything. So I just made a tampon with. I just went like this and just shoved it up and corked it with some toilet paper, which any girl listening has done before. Really? Like, yeah, because you either make up, you go like this, and you make a pad, and you put the pad, like, with a bunch of toilet paper, you make a pad.

But I couldn't risk making a pad because I was wearing a thong. It could have just slipped out. And I'm wearing a dress, and it falls out. This, like, bloodied napkin would fall out, but I swear to God, I didn't tuck it that well. Later on after the roast, I went pee, and I'm like, it was.

It was loose. It could've fallen out. Can you imagine on live tv if my napkin with blood on it, like, toilet paper would have fallen? Like, it's not like a nice looking. It's, like, all crumpled up, fell out.

Like, what would I have done? Like, that kind of thought goes through my mind. I'm like, that was so close to happening. So close to happening. It's like one of those hospital scenes in Dunkirk.

Theo Von
Have you seen Dunkirk? No, but it's like a war movie. Even if the cameras didn't catch it, someone on the dais would've done something with it, and then it would've been a thing. Who would've done it? Let's decide right now.

Nikki Glaser
Well, Jeff Ross. Jeff actually probably would've saved me and just seen it and covered it up. He's like, yes. He would have said it was his. Like, guys.

He would have put it in as a pocket square. Yeah, yeah, he would have. He would have had my back, but, yeah. Or you could have said, oh, he could have been like, oh, I thought what's her name was on the day. It's the lady from that blood movie.

Oh, the woman that talks like this. Yeah. Theranos. Yeah. Elizabeth Holmes.

Theo Von
Yeah. They could have been good. That's good. But, yeah. Like, did you ever think about things like that?

Nikki Glaser
Like, oh, my God, that could have gone so bad. Do you have, like, way too much? Anytime I've done anything, and you're like. Oh, my God, I could have said that word, or whatever. Like, yeah, dude, it's live tv.

The things I could have done. And I know what word it is, dude. And, yeah, and you don't want to say it. Dude, you can say it in your. Car, but no, man.

Theo Von
But, yeah, and you don't want to say it, and it's like. But, yeah, it's, like, very scary. Like, when they do, like, we did good morning football or whatever. Yeah, and it was for the SEC championship, and it was live, and I was like, I would never let me do live tv. Like, I just don't even know what's gonna go.

You know? I just don't always know how I'm gonna be if something gets me some scary. You did. How did it go? I'm guessing it was great.

It went okay. Oh, my God. That's so scary. Is that Pat McAfee? Yeah.

Nikki Glaser
Oh, yeah. I love him. He crushed it. He's so great. It was.

Theo Von
It was really fun, but it was just. I never realized what it's like being live. And they're like. And go, like, what? Yeah, but you've done, like, morning tv and, like, local markets.

Nikki Glaser
That's the closest we get to doing something like this, because that's live. This is pretty live. And you can take some stuff out. But, yeah, this feels live. And I like, even that last thing, I'm like, oh, my God.

If someone out of context just hears me go say slave as. That was a callback. If you're joining the show late and missed it. Also, if you start listening to a podcast in the middle at, like, 47. Minutes, what if they're not listening in the beginning because they get, like, a package delivered or something and they miss that whole bit, and then they keep listening, and that.

That's the only thing. Well, if you don't know about slavery in America, dude, then that's your loss. If slavery even happened.

Jesus Christ. I'm just saying they never found the boats.

Theo Von
See what they bring up some of the boat. Bring up the marina. The marina. Bring up the marina in Charleston. Oh, my God.

This is not funny. Marina. He's looking for it.

Nikki Glaser
Where did the Amistad dock is what you want to know. Oh, I love that movie. I haven't seen it. It's so good, man. Digimon honsu.

Theo Von
He's so good. Give us free. He's good in it. They should do. They should remake that and be like, where are they now?

You know? Right.

Tony Hinchcliffe. So good. Let's talk about that for a second. Dude. He is so good.

Well, first of all, there's nobody. And I say this out of sheer admiration. I talk about his show all the time. Yeah, kil. Tony gets 100,000 people watching it live when it goes on.

Nikki Glaser
Wow, wow. On YouTube at the same time. I get it. It's so good. He was a rock star that night.

I remember just. I was, like, front row for it, and he's walking by me roasting, and just, like, the steadiness of his pace, plus just looking, like, just going, nice shoes, Tom. Did you get those in the divorce? Just boo. But, like, just so smooth, so confident.

Who is this guy? Perfect way to get into it, too, because it starts out in the crowd, and you're just like, who's this guy? Doing a crowd bit that's, like, not the same as what we're doing up here. Dana White does his thing. Tony's, like, sitting there, and then, you know, people know who he is, obviously, but at that event, maybe not as much, but he owned that fucking room within seconds.

And it just starts out slow, you know, it's like, good joke here. Oh, this guy knows how to write a joke. That one was fucking good, too. And then the crescendo of, like, as soon as he gets to the comedians and starts going down the line at us, I really felt like I was watching a rock star. Like, it felt like a musical performance to me.

I told him that, like, it was rock star levels of good. Like, just walking while roasting. And he told me, like, he almost. He. When he was delivering the last one about the.

I forget he. Rodney King. Yes, the king one. That was just a perfect, lyrically perfect joke. He said he almost fell off the stage.

He felt his shoe. He had one of those moments of what if I would have fallen during that? It would have ruined. I mean, that would have been the worst thing ever, but that almost happened. But he was freaking killed.

Yeah, I saw him the other night, and we both know what each other going through this week of people knew of us before on a big level that I would have never expected before my career. But it's next level now, and we're both like, you're feeling this, too. Like, it's a big deal for. It's crazy. Yeah, it's really cool.

Theo Von
So this is. Do you feel like this is kind of like a new level in your career? Yes. Let's go, dude. Dude, I'm not being modest about, because it's just undeniable.

Nikki Glaser
Like, I don't get recognized this much. I don't, like, have people. I don't have people saying, I heard someone talking about you, and they don't even know I know you. That's happened a hundred times. Like, every.

This is a cultural event. Like, I didn't know it was gonna. It's really bigger than anything I could ever have done in my career. It will never be a bigger moment in my career than this, even if I become way bigger. Nothing this big.

Theo Von
You look a little bit like Kylie Minogue. People tell you that? No, thank you. What's that? What's the song?

Nikki Glaser
She sang? A lot of down synergies. Oh, your boy is all I think about. I just can't get you out of my head. Yeah.

Thank you. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I see it. Very pretty. Thank you.

Theo Von
Yeah, I. There's just. There was something about this, and I think also just that it's the Tom Brady effect, too. I think Tom Brady was always kept so from the public in a lot of ways. Like, he was around, but he was always a, you know, he was always seemed like a safe guy, you know, a family man, you know, who tried probably as hard as he could to keep it together, tried to keep things on his own terms.

Nikki Glaser
Yeah. And even then, this just blew it open. Yeah. And this just blew it up. I'm curious to see what it'll be like now after the show.

Theo Von
What's it like when it ends? Are there, like, I cannot go look him in the face right now or there's some people I can't see? Yeah. I was like, I don't need to say anything to him. Like, he doesn't need to hear from me again.

Nikki Glaser
Like, everyone's gonna run up to him. Like, we already. I already hugged him after. He was very nice. Like, I don't need to bug him, but if I run into him, great.

But I just went and found my parents. They were there, so I was just meandered off the stage and went. You didn't dm him or anything? No, I saw him on the way out. I was walking back to my dressing room, and he was leaving, and I just said, tom, thank you so much, real quick, because I had a really good Tom.

Theo Von
I wrote my number in blood. At that point, I knew we're not gonna be friends. There is a vibe that you could feel with Alec Baldwin at his roast. I was like, I became friends with him after that, or friendly. He knows who I am.

Nikki Glaser
He was endeared to me, but Tom, I could just tell, was like, this is a one and done. I wasn't trying to fuck him, but there's not going to be other. He's not going to be like, oh, you should come to my parties or something. So I said, thank you. And he said, thank you so much.

You did great. Good luck with everything, which is kind of like, you'll never talk to me again. Have a nice life. We never have to see each other. Yeah.

And I understand it. That's how I would feel, too. Probably in his shoes, but, yeah, that was it. But afterwards, it's just like, you know. Was there a big party after?

Yeah, there's a party. It was at the forum club. Yeah, it was fun. My parents were there, so I was kind of, like, hanging with them, and it was just starting to feel like a little overwhelming of something big just happened in my life. And so it was starting to feel a little bit anxiety about.

I was trying to process, like, was that good? Did I go too hard? What did it look like? I don't know. Anything.

So it was. I just kind of wanted to get out of there, and I had to be on Howard Stern at three. At three in the morning. I had to go get up for hair and makeup. So it was like, finished at ten.

Theo Von
It was in New York or, oh, it was la la. But I had to turn tapes out here. You had to fly. I did a remote from here, but I had to be up for hair and makeup at three in the morning. I was like, can I just, like, stay in this?

Nikki Glaser
But I had to do a new look because that's the way it works. But, yeah, so I was kind of like, what's next? And then I had Jimmy Kimmel the next day. So you just go into, like, now I have to, like, keep doing this again and again and killing this hard and being this prepared, which is just impossible because I don't have. Because I think, well, the bit you don't have to do continually do more because, yeah, you could burn yourself out.

Theo Von
It's. It's unrealistic, you know, I'm just trying to think of how we, everybody can kind of relate to that when something kind of goes good or it seems like you level up in some way how to manage that, or is there anything really to manage at all? And part of that is just a mirage. What's like getting a new car and you think it's gonna stay new forever? There's a delusion that you have of, like, I can just keep it this new forever.

Nikki Glaser
It'll smell this way. Yeah. The leather will look this shiny like, and it just doesn't. You can't, like, you can with a lot of hard work, but you just aren't gonna do that. Most people don't keep new cars looking good.

I think that's how I would relate it to people who don't maybe have, like, the way I feel about a new car. I'm like, okay, this is who I am now. I have this new car lady. I feel so much better about myself being in this new car. I can maintain this, and you just.

You can. You definitely can. You can keep a car looking new. Two days later, you're smoking menthols in it. Yeah.

You're like, I'll just have one cigarette in. I won't ever do this regularly. I don't keep my hand way out when I smoke. And then you're fucking eating me. But then an ash goes.

Burns the seat, and then it's game. You're eating m and M's in it. You're yelling queers out the window of it. Yeah. I'm putting on makeup.

Bronzers going everywhere. Yeah. You yelling queer out the window. Well, sorry. Yeah.

Theo Von
But you were in Clifton, New Jersey. Yeah. It's not like you're just anywhere. Yeah, yeah. And that is what the queer people like to be called.

Nikki Glaser
Queer, that they are queer. I mean, term. They embrace. Yeah. Beautiful queers a lot of times yell.

Yeah. I don't. Yeah. I don't know that even though they embrace the term, they don't want it shouted. But maybe now you got to get out more.

Yeah.

Theo Von
Who. Who was missing on their death on the dais up there? Who was missing on the roast? Were there any roasted. Who's your mount?

Nikki Glaser
Roast more, Geraldo. You know, obviously that feels like he's missing from there. Someone who's just, like, speaking from the heart in a very personal place. And I tried to, like, you know, I watched a lot of Geraldo to prepare for this, of, like, what is my actual take on these people? I think we always remember Geraldo at the roast some, like, it was like, larry the cable guy.

And he just, at one point, just breaks and is like, why are you so famous? Like, he just can't take it. It's not even. It seems like it's not part of the set. I don't think it was.

And that is, like, a moment that I really liked and was like, okay, I'd like to recreate that. Like, how do I actually feel about this person? What's my personal frustration with them? Yeah, I'm trying to think who else you miss? Like Elisa Lampanelli, who's more of like a.

Just boom, boom, boom and, like, can say some really sick, twisted, racist, sexist, homophobic shit and get away with it. Like, just a sharpshooter. Like, she wasn't there. She quit comedy. Oh, she quit.

She doesn't do standup anymore. She was like, it's too mean. It's not who I am anymore. And she was like, the queen of mean. That was literally her moniker.

And, like, going to Elisa Lamp Nellie show early in my career, there was no one better. Like, yeah, she called me out one time in the audience. Yeah, I wasn't even a comedian yet, and she made fun of me. I was just sitting in, like, the back corner. So you've seen.

You've witnessed it. She was amazing. And she was just, no, I don't wanna do this anymore. She does self help stuff. She still performs, but she lost all that weight.

Theo Von
I wonder if that changed some of her mindset in her life. Probably. Yeah, she quit insult comedy, and now she just does, she does weight loss seminars and stuff. Oh, good for her. So she just wants to help people, which is something I could see either, both you and me getting into.

Nikki Glaser
Just empowering people. You watch these Ted talks and these TikToks of people just, like, telling people, like, how to live a better life. And I'm like, oh, I could see myself veering into that. Being a life coach or something. Yeah.

Being inspirational. Maybe not a life coach, but, yeah, like, just teaching people how to like themselves more. Not necessarily being good at it myself, but seeing how other people could and seeing. Just knowing the tools to get there. Not that I'm necessarily picking up those tools, right.

Theo Von
But sometimes people can see things easily in somebody else, even if they can't see it in themselves or. Or adjust that for themselves, it doesn't mean that they're not still a good, um. Like, you could be a good painter, but you may not know your own colors or whatever. You know, I used to as a kid, I remember watching gymnastics coaches, like, yell at the gym. These little girls, like, you're doing it wrong, Carrie.

Nikki Glaser
Strong, like, Bella, Carolli. And I'd be like, you get up on that fucking beam, you asshole. But he can't do any of that shit. But he's good at coaching. So it's just like, that's the kind of thing.

And I don't even feel like my therapist needs. I don't need my therapist to have, like, a great, full, perfect life that I want. I feel like they can. They're used. Yeah.

Theo Von
I don't need my therapist to have a round off back handspring. Yeah, they don't exactly. Yeah, I don't need. I don't need them to be perfect. I think you can dish it out without really doing it yourself.

Nikki Glaser
It's hard. Yeah. Yourself. Well, being alive is tricky, dude. Some people have wieners.

Theo Von
Some people have vaginas. Yeah. Some people have both. Some people have both. Now, imagine that.

Nikki Glaser
I don't think. Now, I don't think. It's just getting built on. That's an interesting thing. I haven't heard about gender reassignment, where they want to become a hermaphrodite, where they're like, I want both.

Don't get rid of my vagina. Let's just add on a dick next to it. Well, how many people are born? Are more people born? Can you be born trans?

Theo Von
Yes. Yeah. So you're born with both genitalia? No, no, no. Trans.

Nikki Glaser
Don't have both genitalia. People post op trans have what they wanted. They got rid of the last one. The penis has turned into a vagina. Vagina's turned into a penis.

But you're born trans, and then you can be. I don't know the exact terminology, but. Yeah. Yeah. Intersex are born with both sex characteristics.

1.7% of the population are born with intersex traits, but not genitalia. Jesus. Yeah, that checks out. So what does that mean? People are born with both?

People are born with both, but not what? No, they're not. They said traits. That means, like, maybe like, more like. Right, okay.

Theo Von
Bigger. Maybe big hips or something. Yeah. Longer lashes. Oh, dang.

Nikki Glaser
Oh, they look so good on men. Martin. You have long lashes, Martin. Yeah. So what about when women learn to masturbate?

Theo Von
When does that kind of happen for women? Because guys talk about it a lot. Like, I'm in these meetings and people are always talking about it. I'm like, when do women learn about it? I was so mad at my friends because all of my friends in high school were doing it, some in middle school.

Nikki Glaser
Didn't you? Some even earlier. We didn't talk about it. We talked about everything. They didn't tell me about it, so I didn't know about it.

Theo Von
What were you doing? Just reading or whatever. I didn't even do that. I would never. I was not.

Nikki Glaser
I was definitely horny in high school. It started late for me, but it happened, and I didn't know what to do with it. I would, like, if I had an itch down there, I'd itch it, and then it'd be like, oh, that kind of feels good. But I would never follow through. And it wasn't because I was like, God's watching.

I just didn't know what to do. I would never have. I know, like, penises go in you at some point, but I would never think to put something in me. I was not sexually driven in that way. But all my friends figured out on their own, we were all doing.

They were all doing it individually, not talking about it with each other, and not talking about with me either. I would have 100% done it, but once I found out it was a thing, I started doing it. Once it became I was an adult, but that was the only way I had to have information first. Does it add wear and tear, I feel, like, to the vagina over the. Long term, the way I do it does really just not wear and tear.

But, like, you know, people. This is not good. People always think all I do is talk about sex, but I just. I feel comfortable talking about it openly. And I think it is interesting.

I use, like, the Hitachi wand. Oh, my God. Is that a real, like, is it like a dewalt or whatever? You can look it up. Hitachi wand.

You've seen it before. It's like the classic. It's like in porn. It's like. It's like a back massager looking thing.

It looks like almost a big white mic. That thing could beat an egg, huh? That thing has. Oh, it's crazy. It's crazy.

And so I put that in the front. You know, you don't put it in you. You can, I guess, but that's. I pretty much always use that and that because it's. The vibrations, like, will make things sometimes swell, I guess so.

I can get kind of swollen down there if I go too hard, but that's what I mean by beat up. It's not like. It's like, leaves permanent damage or something, but, yeah. You've seen those before, right? Yeah, I've seen something like that.

Theo Von
I think also you should. They're amazing. Everyone should have one. Water pick makes that, too, don't they? What's the difference?

Nikki Glaser
Oh, a water pick would be too intense, but I'm sure that that would work. If I was on the road and didn't have anything and I was really horny, I absolutely probably try a water pick. We need more of it in the community. Gals get out there. Just.

I would really recommend blowing people instead of having sex with them. Cause you can't get pregnant. And, like, I know sometimes having sex as a woman, you go, that's less scary because women are scared of being judged after sex. When you're young, especially a guy's gonna think I'm bad at sucking dick, and so you avoid it. That's what I did.

And so I would have sex before I gave a blowjob because I just wanted to do something. And. What do you mean by dick? You're talking about Weiner. Yeah.

Yeah. And I thought that I would be judged, and so I had so much more sex than I should have because I was just avoiding doing this thing that I thought was high risk. But really the high risk was almost getting pregnant. Yeah, you should have been blowing people. Definitely.

Theo Von
If you could go back in time. I would teach my daughter about blowjobs and say, this is how you do it. If you're interested in boys, teacher. Yeah. My daughter was starting to be sexually active when I just sensed, like, she's dressing in a way that she's like, boys are liking her and she's hanging out with boys.

Nikki Glaser
I'd be like, listen, listen. In a search, they're gonna wanna see you. But, like, if you want to get. If you. I don't think you should, but I would recommend handjob.

Do that. And I'm not gonna teach you how, but, like, do your research. Hand jobs are where it's at. That's what they want. Anyway.

Theo Von
In native american cultures, a lot of the older sibling will go out into the woods and teach the younger sibling how to masturbate. So there's not as much shame with it, because then it's like something you, like, you learn. You're like, oh, this is. Yeah, I do it. Like, my brother did it.

He did it like my grandfather did it. Like, we've all. This is how we do it, you know? Yeah. And so it's like, you at least can have your own.

Not style of it, but it's like, then it's not something that's taboo. Cause I remember. Yeah, I remember jerking off or whatever, and then just being like, oh, my God, dude, I'm such a weirdo. Everybody hates me. People think I'm.

Everybody knows. I remember thinking that even though nobody knew, I thought everybody knew that I've been jerking off because, like, the way I was, like, moving or something. Yes. And I'm like, damn. I'm walking.

Like, I've been jerking off. You know, and so I think I was always paranoid, and if people would be like, hey, what's going on? And I'd be like, you know, I've been jerking. Oh, my God. The shame that people carry with them.

Nikki Glaser
So much songs, so much shame that just stays with you even after you, like, kind of are like, oh, it's not that bad. It's like you can't erase it. Speaking of that, what else did I just see in the news? Oh, the Boy scouts are changing their name. Did you see that, Nick?

To the Scouts or something?

Theo Von
There we go. Boy Scouts of America changing name to more inclusive scouting America after years of woes. Are the years of woes about the gender thing or just that they were molesting boys nonstop and they just want to get boys out of the title to make people not think about boys. Is this, like, a woke thing of, like, boys and. Or is this about molestation and wanting to get away from that?

There's no doubt the catholic church will pick the name up immediately. Probably that's what I'm going to do. They should just call themselves the Boy. Scouts of America, the Catholic Roman Catholic. Church, the voice count of America, announced that after 114 years, that it will change its name and will become scouting America.

Nikki Glaser
Great. In an effort to emphasize inclusion. So it is about inclusion as it. Works to move past the turmoil of bankruptcy and a flood of sexual abuse. Yeah, so it's both.

I really think it's both Boy scouts. It's just. It's a. It's a. Yeah, they've just.

Theo Von
Yeah. It's so associated with diddling boys that it's like, let's get away from that name that we're a punchline. They are so, scouting America. I like it. I think it's a good move.

The crazy thing is, nobody apparently can hang out with a bunch of boys without molesting one of them. Well, it's just that people who are pedophiles find ways to hang out with boys. So that's a job that a pedophile would get into. Dude, we had this guy, Richard Langenstein. Right?

And he is. He's d e a d now, but he had an autographed Shaquille O'Neal's shoe. Like a big shoe, and he would always use that to entice boys in and then try and pervert them or get him to, you know, just be perverted or whatever. Wait, who is this? You had a guy?

Nikki Glaser
What does that mean? You had a guy, Richard? At first, I thought you were like, we had a guest on the show. And so then we know as a child in our town. In our town.

Yeah. A school teacher. They have an inn. Yeah. It's not.

Theo Von
Come look at this big sneaker, you know, and you'd be over there. And then he would order a couple of. They have, like, video games, filet steaks or whatever. Baked potatoes and shit. Yeah, they have their stuff.

Nikki Glaser
Yeah, they have to reel you in. It's like the guy, the classic one, is just like a man in a van with candy. But it's like they find another way of having kids stuff. Arcade games, signed shoes, like any of that shit. Look out.

If the guy in your son's life has a lot of memorabilia that 14, you know, twelve 1112 year old boys enjoy, it's not because he's just in touch with his boyhood sides. That could be it. But if he's interested in your son coming over to hang out, that I would say 90% chance that person's trying to fuck your son. Yeah. And parents would be like, yeah, go, he's a nice guy.

Theo Von
He's this teacher, you know? And at first I'd go over there with my girlfriend, you know, and we would just be like, nice people over there. And then he kept having my buddies come over and he would. We would all get stoned with him. He used to smoke a lot of dope.

And then he would like massages. Oh. He would say things that was real. Perverted, you know, testing. It's like they just have.

Nikki Glaser
They. They have. They all follow the same playbook. It's pretty, like, evident when you start paying attention and know about it. And my buddy put lotion on his back one time because he had, like, what's it called when your skin kind of comes off a little?

Piarcus psoriasis eczema? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, and my buddy Nathan put lotion on his back. And he was short, too, so he had to, like, even reach up to do it, which was fucking gay as hell. Poor Nathan.

Theo Von
But one time we were in the kitchen. I've told this story before. And my buddy Scott was in the living room. And big Richard had ordered us a couple filet steaks, of course. And we'd never even had steaks, dude.

So we were fucking losing our minds, dude. The parsley was in there. We're like, what the fuck? You know? And my buddy Scott, I was like.

He goes, hey, can you get me some sour cream? He just yelled from the living room. And I was in the kitchen. And I said, no, but you can have some of this sweet cream. I was just joking about semen.

Nikki Glaser
Yeah, I bet Richard liked that. And then you heard Richard go, can I have some? In all of our heads, you could feel, like, a secondhand tick to the next. In all of our heads, and we're like, we. Somebody's getting molested, dude.

Theo Von
Not it. None of us are getting out of here. Not it. Yeah. Not.

Nikki Glaser
We'll finish the steak first, but I'm out. Just breaks my heart that that's the. Kind of thing that happens. It's happening right now hundreds, thousands of places. Is that kind of like grooming, as they say?

Which is just. It's disgusting. But that's why you got to talk about it, so people that have kids can be on alert for the stuff because you're not a bad parent. If you miss it, like, I think some because. Right.

Theo Von
But if you don't talk about it with your kid. Yeah, you have to talk. If I had kids, I would tell. If anyone ever. The big thing I think parents need to know, from what I've learned about pedophiles and how they operate, is that they do what they do, then they tell the kid, if you tell anyone, your parents will hate you forever, and they'll.

Nikki Glaser
Or I'll kill your parents. Like, you'll lose your parents in some way. And they believe them because they've already had the secret thing that's going on with this guy. You just need to tell your kids, if anyone ever says they could kill mommy or kill daddy or that we won't love you, just know they're lying like cement that in your kid's head that no matter who it is, no one can kill mommy. And maybe that's a bad thing to tell.

Theo Von
Right? But no, it's not. You got to put that kind of stuff because. Yeah, that's anything that was the problem against the kids. And that will keep a kid from telling, even the most apparent, that says, tell mommy if someone touches you in your bathing suit area, that's not enough.

Nikki Glaser
You need to say, if someone tells you that I will not love you or that I will, they will kill me if you tell me it's not true. Right? That's what you gotta do, I think. Yeah, no, I think you gotta. You gotta.

Theo Von
People have to communicate to their parents, to their. To their children about everything. Like. Like, if your kids aren't getting along, if they don't love each other, like, you gotta teach them how to love each other. Like, there's so many things.

I think some parents maybe just think the kids know automatically that it's just maybe cause they weren't instructed, you know? But it's like, I think there can be more instruction out there. And I don't have any children, so I'm not judging. You wanna be a dad, right? Yeah, I would like to be a dad, you know?

Nikki Glaser
Oh, my God, you'd be so great. Your kid would be so lucky. But my freaking wife is gonna be there, and that's gonna be the tough. That's the bummer. She'll be.

She'll be good, too. You'll pick someone good. She'll be good. Yeah, she'll be great. You're not gonna fuck that up.

Theo Von
And if she isn't, I don't know what happened to her. Officer, I'm joking. That's. My future wife might be hearing this. I'm looking forward to loving you.

I don't know you yet, but I'm looking forward to loving you. Or maybe I do know you. That's so sweet. That kind of shit, like, really gets me when it's, like, you talk to your future, whatever. Or.

Nikki Glaser
I think that's so cute. Cause she will see this. Yeah, she might. Yeah. Well, even after you're married, she'll find someone will send her this clip or something.

Theo Von
Oh, yeah, that's sweet. Yeah, it's nice. Yeah, babe. Yeah, manifest it. Yeah.

Hey, we're just watching the game and that's all we're doing. We're not up to no good. You know, back off the coke. Just saying things to my future wife.

What else is going on? Anything else in the news? Did you see that Peter Griffin that they found on TikTok? You see that guy? No, I'm not on TikTok.

Are you real life Peter Griffin? Oh, wow. Yeah. Did you ever or believe that you would be a big success? Honestly, I just dressed like Peter Griffin at Comic Con.

Nikki Glaser
Like, eleven years ago, my friends out decided to have fun, and then it turned into this whole career thing, and. They shout out a family guy. I didn't believe people at first. I was like, they did not shout. Me out on family Guy.

Theo Von
And then people were sending me the clips. I'm like, holy shit, they really did. So it's been quite a trip. I enjoy it tremendously. I like making people laugh and making.

Them happy and that kind of stuff. So I love him. My buddy sounds exactly like him. Yeah, he does. He's amazing.

My buddy Danny looks like the wife. What's her name? Lois. Lois. Lois Griffin.

Yeah, my buddy Danny. Wait, your buddy Danny looks like her. Yeah. And I'll put a side by side if Danny allows, to ask him after we tape and. And ask him and to see if I can put it in.

And he took us fishing once in Illinois, up there in Stark County, Illinois. They got a beautiful male Lois Griffin look alike. This is insane. Yeah, he does a good job. Yeah.

What about you have your new special is out? Yeah. HBO someday you'll die is the name of it. What a great time for all the extra hype then, right? Dude, it all just timed out perfectly.

What are the freaking odds of that? I just am really lucky. Sometimes you just go, man, I lucked out. There's been a lot of times I'm not lucky in this business. And it could have kept going like that, but it was.

Nikki Glaser
Yeah, it just was great. So it's a little bit of pressure of being like, well, my stand up is not roast. Right? Like, that's tight. Like, refined.

And my stand up's a little bit more. It's different. And so I'm like, I hope people don't expect that, but I love it, and it's beautiful looking. I worked really hard on it, and I wrote a song. I wrote my first song.

I have a single out right now. Dude. I know. And here's the thing, is, like, I would never bring it up if I thought at all it wasn't good. But it's, like, one of the things I'm most proud of in my whole life, I've ever done.

I wrote my first song, and it's like, I'm not kidding you. It's a hit. Really? Yeah. My voice, I'm gonna get better at singing, but my songwriting is fucking.

I feel really proud of it. It's like a pop song that I like. Can we listen to it? Yeah. Honestly, would love for you to.

I would. And I would never in a million years watch a stand up clip with you of mine, ever. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Play it.

Theo Von
Hit it. Well, it's first. I want to. Yeah. Last night, I went to my buddy Walker Bueller's house, and he's a pitcher.

He was on. He was a previous guest on here. He's a Dodgers pitcher. And his wife, Mackenzie, they just had a new baby. Bring up that baby.

This baby is so cute. If you can find a pitcher. But I was over there, and she was saying that they saw you on the roast and then that she went and watched your special. Really enjoyed. Oh, really?

Nikki Glaser
Oh, nice. Just so you're getting, like, some immediate feeling. No, that feels so good. Oh, she's so cute. Oh, congrats to them.

Theo Von
Oh, yeah, dude, it was cool. That's. They're so happy. They were so exciting. They really were perfect.

It was cool to see. Yes. She's even cuter now. She looks a little bit like George Costanza right there. No shade.

He's beautiful. He's amazing. But she's a little older now. But anyway, that was one of the highlights of my week, was getting to go see their kiddo. But they mentioned that they saw your special.

Nikki Glaser
Oh, nice. Okay, good. No, it's. I love it. It's just, you know, you just, like, all eyes on you.

You just are like, I gotta keep this up. People are saying I'm fantastic. If I even drop the ball a little bit, people will be like, no, she's actually not. And then I'm scared it's gonna go away. But I'm not embracing it too.

I'm, like, not letting it in that much because I'm scared it's gonna go away. You ever do that? Yeah. Well, I think there's, like, if things are going good, there's a level of also just being in a place where it's like, okay, I don't have to slam. I don't have.

Theo Von
Things are already. I'm already going downhill. So if I add acceleration, then that's when things get scary. I'm already. Or I'm already at, you know, increasing speed.

That's what I mean. Yeah. Yeah. So if you add, like. But people are like, you know, you have to throw gas on the fire while it's going.

But I don't know if I always. I don't know if I always believe that, you know, this is it. So this is. This is a real song, dude. Okay.

Nikki Glaser
So the reason it even got made is like, I've been during COVID I learned how to play guitar, and I started singing, and I was like, I would like to be able to play at a coffee shop, just, like, with a wig on or something. If I was famous enough that people would go, that's Nikki Glaser. But generally, I was like, oh, I could probably just do this under a different name or something. It's like a. Literally coffee shop.

Yeah, just a coffee shop. Because my dad plays locally at grocery stores and restaurants and bars and grills. Was your dad an astronaut? No, he was in the cable business, but close. And so he.

But he plays music now, and he's a really good musician. So that's all I aspired to, was like, I'll just do that. But then when I was making my special and editing it, we were like, what music do you want to use over the credits? And I was like, I gave a bunch of songs because I care about the credits. Like, I like that song to, like, hit at the end.

So I had a bunch of ideas, but they were, like, $30,000 a piece, and we were over budget, so it would have come out of my money, which I would have paid if it was like. But I was like, no, I'll just. What if I wrote a song? And, you know, my producing team was like, you can. And I was like, oh, okay.

So I just hired a producer from Chicago to come down to St. Louis. I flew him down, put him up, and he was a friend of a friend. And then I had my other buddy, tim Convey, who's been in bands. We all got together, and the night before, I was like, I want to bring a song.

I don't want someone to write a song for me. Like, I want to write it, and maybe it'll suck, and then I'll use their song. But I just wrote the song the night before we went into the studio, and then the next day, I was just like, I've never written a song in my life. Like, I've written, like, parody songs to songs that have already been written, but, like, from coming up with the melody and everything, and I was like, oh, this is actually good. Like, it was kind of like the way I felt the first time I did stand up, where I was like, I think I'm kind of good at this.

Like, I'm not great yet. No, but look, I think I have potential. Having some confidence in trying something new is huge, you know? Cause I think everybody sometimes wants to try different things, you know? And even if it's sucked, I'd still keep going.

But I'm just like. I think I just got like, you know, the first set you have is always really good because you wouldn't keep doing it. And I think that's like, I'll write some real shitty songs, but I think I wrote a really good song. Amen. Yeah, I want to hear it.

Theo Von
We'll listen to a second. Yeah, I want to get a dj table, too. Cause even if you're good at that, you're still dumb as fuck. What do you like? What's your kind of extracurricular that you want to be really good at?

Nikki Glaser
That maybe, is people are like, no one needs that from you, Theo. Like, kind of like, you know, we like you for this. Stop trying this other thing. Is there any sport or. Sometimes I would think yoga.

Yeah. Djing. Mm hmm. Mm. How often do you do yoga?

Theo Von
Three times a week. Oh, that's a lot. So you're getting good, and you've been doing it a while. I feel good. Yeah, it feels pretty good when I do it.

What else? Maybe pickleball. Yeah. Artwork. Yeah.

Oh, and violin. And sex, maybe. Wait, violin? Really? You play violin?

I just think it would be remarkable to be able. It would just shock the world. Pick it up. Even if you're very. Even if you're four years in, you will blow people's minds at how good you can be just with a little bit of work.

Nikki Glaser
Amazing. I can see it. Thank you. And what else? Oh, harp is kind of gay, I think.

Theo Von
But I would like to. I would be willing to date a woman that was a nurse or code. Play harp. Dude, I was on this ayahuasca one time. I was on this ayahuasca ceremony, and we're sitting in this room, and me and my buddy are dying, laughing so hard.

They, like, kicked us out of the ceremony. Cause we're laughing so hard. Then somebody came up to us outside of the ceremony. It's like, 03:00 a.m. In the middle of nowhere.

And, like, hey, you guys are laughing too loud. You have to go back inside. I'm like, we just got kicked out.

They don't want us in there. They're like, now they're puking. Oh, yeah, they're distracted. We were sitting in this one room, and we were, like, having, like, this went into this trance, kind of like. Or this meditation moment.

Pretty deep. And this girl was playing a harp just over in the corner. Like, she'd come out and she had a harp, and she was sitting there just playing it, kind of. And then at one point, this guy's like, hey, you can play that harp a little louder if you want to. Cause she was playing real quietly because it was required environment.

And she goes, who, me? And we're like. And we just died fucking laughing. Like, you think there's another fucking.

Nikki Glaser
It was just weird. That's the dumbest story, but, um, I loved it. Let's hear it. This is Nikki Glaser. Someday you'll die.

How have you been? Where are you? She knows I can't get out of bed. If I say I'm fine, she'll know I'm lying. So I just roll back over another.

Theo Von
Message left on the red. I can't feel the medications. I'm at home under the spell. I wish awful things on strangers just because they're doing well yeah.

Bro.

Nikki Glaser
What'S all this for? I've wasted so much life.

Theo Von
Amen.

That's good. Let's leave them. Let's let him. Let's make. Oh, let's make them go.

Nikki Glaser
Have to listen in the summer someday you'll die dude. I could see that being remixed, dude, by some dj's. Yes. Do it. You know what I'm talking about?

The equipment. I. Well, some stuff online. Yeah, people do something with that song. Do whatever you want.

Theo Von
Yeah, but I don't have to. Cause someday you'll die it's like. Yeah, yeah. It's like. That's what I kind of feel sometimes, is like, I have suicidal thoughts when I get depressed, and it soothes me, because I just.

Nikki Glaser
The idea of it. People go, oh, that's so sad. You think about killing yourself? I'm like, no, dude. I need to think about that.

Because it relaxes me to be like, someday this will be over. It's okay. But then also. That's also. The fear is someday I'll die.

Holy fuck. You know, it's both. So I just. Yeah, that's what my whole special is about. Really?

Theo Von
Really? Yeah. Just, like, dealing with the fear of death while also really wanting it sometimes. Cause it's just. Life is too fucking hard.

Well, yeah, sometimes I think about how much sleep you get when you're able to die. And the rest, it's like. You almost feel like, you know what? I could sleep for about 80 years. Yeah.

So you wonder how long until God, like, barks you back up or whatever. Yeah. You know, I think sometimes it's quick. And then sometimes you just wait around for a minute. Cause you're not.

Nikki Glaser
I don't. Who knows what happens? But, yeah, sometimes it feels like death will be like, oh, good, I have a vacation coming up. Yeah. Yeah.

Theo Von
I think sometimes death's like, yeah, we got a good one here. Yeah. Yeah. And then sometimes it's like, no, I don't wanna leave. It's both.

Nikki Glaser
But I don't think it's the worst thing in the world to think about death and be soothed by it. Sometimes I used to feel like I was really something wrong with me, that I felt that. But it makes sense. It's like. It's just.

I just want to think about it. I'm not gonna do anything about it. I know I'll never kill myself, but sometimes I think about it, and it makes me feel like I have a little bit of control. And that there is a way out if I want it, even though I'm not gonna do it, just let me just fantasize sometimes, and it's not good for you, but I do go there, and I'm not ashamed of it anymore, I guess. Well, I think thinking about that sort of stuff is fascinating.

Theo Von
You know, it's interesting because we've also determine, like, everybody that has a thought that's not positive that something is wrong with them. You know, when people, like some of the most, like, morose writers and stuff of our time have thought about some of the most depraved and darkest things, you know, if you look at, like, Nietzsche or Edgar Allen Poe, dude. Or the guy that rode da Vinci code. Yeah. You know what I'm saying?

Nikki Glaser
Tuesdays with Maury. Yeah, no, it's true. It's like, you gotta go there. I know you think about it. Yeah, but sometimes I get scared to think about it.

Theo Von
But it's really a brave thing to go think about, too. Oh, I think your brain won't let you think about it for longer than, like, there's some kind of statistic about longer than 90 seconds or something. Cause your brain just can't handle it. That's pretty crazy, isn't it? It is.

Nikki Glaser
It's interesting, yeah. And it sucks that we all have to do it. That's what I don't like. Like, sometimes I forget I have to die someday, and I'll be just looking out a plane window, letting my mind wonder. And I'm like, oh, fuck, I have to die some shit.

Theo Von
Fuck. Fuck. Like, it's almost like you forget. You're like, oh, no, I gotta do that. Like, it just is like, yeah, like.

I left the oven on. Yeah, I have to. Yes, exactly. That same feeling. Like, I'm gonna miss this or I'm gonna miss this person.

Nikki Glaser
I gotta get my passport updated. Shit, yeah, I got to do that. Remember to do that. Oh, I don't want to. Yeah, or all the emails or that you left your shoes in the hallway.

Theo Von
That'd be like the thought I'm having when I'm dying. Like, fuck, dude, I left those fucking shoes in the hallway. What's the problem with that? Well, they should be in the closet. What's gonna happen if they're not?

I don't know. I just won't die the right way or so OCD. It won't go into time. I won't go into the filing cabinet of. Of the heavens the correct way.

Like, fuck, dude, you fucking left the heat on. Well, I have that OCD thing too sometimes of, like, if this thing I don't do right, then this other thing will go horribly. And I had that right before the roast. I was, like, trying to remember a lyric, and I was like, if you can't remember this lyric, like, you know when your brain just makes a rule and you're like, yes, you better fucking remember this lyric. And I couldn't.

Nikki Glaser
I failed my little test, and I was like, okay, it's set in stone. I'm gonna fail on the roast. And let me just tell you, it didn't happen. So OCD went, it's not always real, like. Cause it was set in stone.

God made that assignment for me to remember that lyric. I failed the test, therefore I was going to be punished, and my Oc was wrong. So that, like, that gave me, I was so happy when it went, right? Cause I was like, okay, good. That isn't real.

Yeah, that thing that happens to me all the time is not real all the time. When I was a kid, it would be like, I'd run and try to jump and touch a branch. Like, if you can't touch that branch, you're a little something. And then I would run, and I would not be able to touch it. And I'm like, God dang it, dude.

Theo Von
You know? Yes, we do. Well, I do it all the time still. Then it's not true. Babies.

Where are they? Huh? Whitney did it, not me. Wow. Not anytime soon.

Nikki Glaser
I'll adopt if I want them. You need to have your baby. Fight her baby, though. That would be fun. It's not gonna happen unless I'll adopt a child that is the age that hers is so we can do a fair thing in the weight class.

What? What brand you gonna adopt? Whatever's available. I'm kind of like, I would never go, like, I want it to look like this. I'm the same way with dogs.

Like, I'm not, like, I want a rescue, but I want it to be a little white dog or whatever it is. I just take whatever they gave me. But, of course, you hope for a cute kid. Yeah, I want him to be a cute kid and smart and all, but I feel like, yeah, I don't know. I don't think it's for me unless I find someone who really wants to be a very hands on father almost in a mature, like, as present as a mom would be.

Because I really like to work, and I like traveling still and stuff like that. And I think that's more of a father role. Work is my relationship. I realized over the years. Yeah, me too.

Theo Von
It's like that thing that I. I don't know if I fell in love with it, but. And it's really a relationship I have. It's like I wake up with it, I go to bed with it. It's like part of my life.

It's like the biggest part of my life. Yeah. You know? Yeah, it pays off. Yeah, it is.

Nikki Glaser
But at some point, you can start coasting a little bit and let in something else. Yeah, maybe so I'm projecting to myself. Maybe something with some tits on it. You feel me? You deserve it.

Theo Von
Thanks, dude. Or get your own. That's how it is now. That's a lot of dudes, huh? A lot of dudes are like, oh, I ain't gonna meet these chicks.

I'll just get some tits put on. I don't think that's how it works. Really? No. I don't think men are transitioning to women so that they can.

I'll show these bitches. I'll be one of them. You can't titty fuck yourself well, but. You can look at it. You can suck your own, I guess.

Nikki Glaser
Yeah, you can look at. Yeah, but, dude, you don't want to sip where you eat. You know what I'm saying? Dude, I think, or whatever. I think you do.

Theo Von
I don't know what the statement is. Nikki Glaser, thank you for roasting Tom Brady. Dude. What a crazy thing to get to do. So crazy.

Nikki Glaser
So cool. Yeah, yeah. A legend. Is he beautiful in person? So handsome, but almost, like, unreal looking.

I had a joke for a while that was like, I want to put a knife through you to make sure you're not cake. You know, like, he looks cake. He looks like his wax figurine was. They were like, we don't have enough wax to make it look as waxy as he does. Right.

He looks unreal because he's had work done. Yeah, he's a good looking man, but it's almost too perfect. I was intimidating to look at. Has he had work done, you think? Oh, yeah.

Theo Von
Really? It'd be crazy if he didn't. He's got all that money. He's got a wife that is, like, the most stunningly beautiful woman ever. You kind of want to raise to that level.

Nikki Glaser
She's got good people working on her. I'm sure she's a naturally beautiful. She's a natural ten, but she's also. She's gone up to twelve, I would say, with the right work. So, yeah, he's definitely done stuff.

He's definitely done stuff. And I don't begrudge him. He did good stuff. He looks great. Beautiful man.

Theo Von
Beautiful guy. Beautiful man. Yeah. Nikki Glaser. Great to spend time with you.

Nikki Glaser
So fun. Theo. Love you. Congratulations. Thank you.

Theo Von
Now I'm just floating on the breeze. And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I'm, I must be cornerstone oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take.

Nikki Glaser
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I'm, I must be cornerstone oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take.

E502 Nikki Glaser

Primary Topic

Episode Summary

Main Takeaways

Episode Chapters

1. Opening Monologue

2. Beauty Standards and Comedy

3. Interactions and Perceptions

4. Personal Insecurities

5. Closing Thoughts

Actionable Advice

About This Episode

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Transcript