E499 Celeste Barber

Theo Von
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Terms apply. Today's episode was filmed when I was down in the Australia, and she's probably one of the biggest comedians in Australia. She's well known for her viral clips online. She's hilarious. Her Netflix show, well, maniacal.

And she's currently touring the US right now. Today's guest is Celeste Barbour. Shine that light on me I'll sit and tell you my story shine on me and I will find a song I've been singing a monster.

Celeste Barber
Um. Eleven minutes ago, my Australia New Zealand tour went on sale. No way. Just being a little bit obnoxious for 30 seconds. You want to check the stats, make.

Sure note that it has uploaded, because Instagram has become really needy. I don't know if you've noticed. Yeah. When you post. Mm hmm.

You got to keep the app open for it to upload. Yeah. You can't just post and then walk away, Renee. Yeah. And it does its thing.

It's like, it's needy. So let's make sure that it's up. I'm just gonna sit there with a video of myself playing while I sit with you and talk about myself. It's kind of the world we're in. It's like, you will see somebody editing a photo of themselves and writing in their diary at the same time, you know?

Yeah, yeah, exactly. It's really bizarre. I always say that to people when they're about, like, press and stuff. Like, oh, you know, the press are running shit on me. They're running shit on me.

And I'm like, I haven't seen it. You're in a fucking vortex of yourself, right? Yeah, they're like, oh, no, it's everywhere. And I'm like, turn Google alerts off on yourself. Turn them off.

You don't need to get Google alerts about yourself. Every fucking ten minutes, you pull this in. Do you care if we start or. No, no. Don't care at all.

Sorry. I'm doing great. I also have been in a hotel for four nights, which buckles my voice, so I sound like a prep teenager. Why? Do you think the air in there is bad or something?

Theo Von
Yeah, the rooms are so expensive. Maybe they put cheap air in the room. Well, yeah. And just. I need natural air.

Celeste Barber
But when, you know, hotels are fancy, they don't. Well, some of them are so expensive, dude. I've been in ones where it's like. It's so. You're like, I'm not even gonna sleep.

Theo Von
If I even blink my eyes, it's gonna cost me $30. Absolutely. I stayed. Yeah, I remember the first night I stayed in, like, a really fancy place. I stayed up all night.

I was like, oh, I'm not gonna waste the money. You're gonna get paid to sleep. They're gonna charge you to go to sleep. I'm not. Yeah, I came here to fucking use this place, you know?

Celeste Barber
But also, I even, like. I think I remember I read one of the books or something. I started reading, like, couple checks. Just to get your money, you know? It's like, your money's worth.

Yeah. You want to get your money's worth. I left the water going for a couple hours. I remember. Do you travel with anything specifically?

Theo Von
No, just usually a little bit of hairspray, I guess, but yeah, just a bit. What else do I like to have in my room? Water. Oh, powerade or gatorade.

Couple butterscotches. What else do you like? Well, when I travel, like, in a hotel, I have to take my pillow. I gotta take my pillow with me. Yeah, I've become that girl.

Celeste Barber
But even with water now, I love it. In the hotel I was just in, had some. Couple of bottles of water and it said, complimentary. It's like, yeah, no shit it's fucking water. Yeah, but they're like, just pointing out this bit.

Complimentary. Yeah. $5,000 a fucking night to stay here. At least you can do. Give me some complimentary water.

Theo Von
Yeah, it's so true. And sometimes it'll say, like, $13 water. That was. They'll have, like, the complimentary ones, like. The little ones that, like, a thimble of fucking water.

And the little ones sometimes are even, like, warmer somehow. It's like they want it to seem like maybe it's been already used once or something. Yeah. Yeah. You're not that special.

Celeste Barber
Someone else has ran this around their mouth, spat it back in, and now you can have for free. Some lord has been using this. Seinfeld walked past this door. Now you get to have free water. And then they'll have the larger cool bottle next to it.

Theo Von
It'll say, like, still water or deceased water? Deceased water. And it's always in a sexy bottle. It's like, well, I don't want that shitty water. I want the sexy water.

Yeah. And you have to remortgage your house to fucking pay for it.

Celeste Barber
Is this free water? Yeah. Yeah, that's free. Thank you. That's free.

Theo Von
We'll come in with a nicer one on a tray in a little bit. How much would that cost me? Dude, you know what's interesting about Celeste Baba? Sure. Nice to see you.

Wow. You drink kind of like a careful, beautiful, talented woman. Thank you so much. Also, happy International Women's day. Is it today?

Celeste Barber
What do you fucking mean? What do you mean? I knew it was this year. Yeah, once a year we get it. We're allowed to be ladies once a year.

I'm so excited. Yeah. Are you celebrating here? This is it. Oh, yeah.

This is new. This is international. Yes, it is. Yeah. And I'm excited to learn about women and australian women.

Theo Von
Yeah. Cause we've been here for a couple weeks. One thing that's interesting, you guys call it a toilet. That I think is really. What do you call it?

It's the bathroom, right? Oh, yes. Toilet is way more accurate, I was realizing. Cause, yeah, nobody like, bathes in there. You don't ever go in there.

No, there's somebody like, yeah, right. You mean like at a restaurant singing in the rain? Gene Kelly's just sitting in there singing. People walk in there and there's an indian guy just like, do you want some bubble bath? You know?

So toilet is way more accurate. I really appreciate that. I appreciate the accuracy of things here, actually. That is. Yeah, that's true.

Celeste Barber
When I'm in the states, I have been in a restaurant or whatever, and I'm like, hi, whereabouts is your toilet? Or I say, have you guys got a toilet? And they're like, yes. Like I'm like, where is it? And they're like, oh, the restroom is over there.

Oh, right. They're like, why are you being so specific? But even restroom is horrible. It's like if you walked in there and somebody was sleeping. Yeah.

Rest. Just goldilocking in there under the sinks or whatever. You would be so alive if just full of paper with narcolepsy, just chilling out in there. Like at the koala pot. Yes.

Have you done the whole koala park thing? We went there. A lot of them. Look, I wanna say kind of semi korean. I wanna say a little bit.

Theo Von
They're beautiful animals. A lot of them are definitely unemployed. It looked like if you go in the one area where they're all just sleeping in the fucking branches or whatever. Yeah. Did you touch one?

No, I didn't touch one. Where did you say them? Where did you go? We went to the Brisbane.

Forest Hills. It's not a cemetery. What's it called? No, sanctuary. Like a sanctuary.

Celeste Barber
No, it's not a cemetery. Yeah. Sanctuary. Yeah. Right.

Theo Von
Weird. That'd be fucking weird. It's just a Ouija board and they're like, we promise you're petting it. Yeah. And koalas are now endangered species in Australia after the hideous bushfires we had.

Celeste Barber
Yeah. So when you said that, I was like, oh, God, that's heartbreaking. My favorite animal. Are you serious? I know that's really cliched, but a few years ago, I got to hold one and it was just.

It was unbelievable. Her name was Lucy and I fucking fell in love with her. They're really heavy and really dense, so they kind of cling, but then they turn, like, really good. They can kind of turn. They've got.

They're really horny. Oh, they really? Yeah, when they're on heat. They were, like, chasing after my husband. Oh, yeah.

Theo Von
Like the Irish. Yeah. And I'm like, bitch, back off. Yeah, exactly like the Irish. Oh.

The Irish are the only humans that I feel like get in a heat, and they just can't handle it, you know? You'll see them rubbing up against a damn hydra in the street. Where have you been? In Ireland? Huh?

Celeste Barber
Where have you been? Irish are everywhere. Yeah. They'll pop up anywhere but on the Internet. They have a lot of videos of irish hydrant action or whatever.

Theo Von
I have not seen a lot of that. Now, at the park we went to, they had. There was an instance. There's a lot of kangaroos, right. And a lot of them are.

I don't want to say opiates have hit the area or whatever, but there's a lot of them that are resting a lot. Right. Just lounging. But that's what you want. You don't want to be near them when they're not chilled.

Celeste Barber
They'll knock you the fuck out. Like, they're incredible. So you want to be around the ones that are chilled in the restroom. Okay. Yeah.

Theo Von
And then there was one that got up. I don't know if he wanted a midnight snack or what. He was, like, waiting to meet the dealer. It felt like. Like he was right.

He was huge. He had a watch on, which I thought was kind of crazy. Couple of chains. He had a WHOOP bracelet on his tail. Had a.

Was, like, diamond encrusted. Like he was like the final boss. It felt like. Called everyone bitch. It was that guy.

Celeste Barber
I know that guy. Yeah. Oh, he called me a at one point, we'll bleep that out. But he did okay. I felt horrible.

Theo Von
I was like, jesus, is this. What does he know about me that I don't know? You know? Yeah, I don't have a wife, but come on, guy. Anyway.

Oh, being in Australia and nice to be in your country. What other words are weird? Restroom for you. Restroom. You guys, the audiences are more nonchalant here.

Celeste Barber
Yeah, we're kind of, like, here. Yeah, yeah, it's interesting. Like, you'll come out on stage and they. Maybe a couple people get up, you know? Yeah.

It's so different in America. I've noticed that. When I'm over there on stage, it's the first, I reckon, five, seven minutes. I'm like, calm the fuck down. Like, sit down, and then I can talk to you.

It's just. It's bananas. But here in Australia, kind of walk out, everyone's like, all right, bitch, prove it. What do you got? Oh, is that what they're thinking?

Yeah. We have this thing, like, a tall poppy syndrome in Australia where you get too big, we'll come, we'll cut you down, we'll bring you back down to earth. Oh, like that betrayal. Like, who was that runner? That guy who shot.

Theo Von
Killed his wife? Was that here? No, that is not us. That is Oscar. Yeah, no, he was fucking horrible.

Celeste Barber
That was horrible, that whole thing. No, he's not australian. He's south african. Oh, yeah. I fucking hope.

If he's not, don't run that, because that's shit. If I say that that kind. Is he south african? Yeah, yeah, yeah. The second he started getting fast, Mike, lift him.

You gotta work for it here. Oh, really? Yeah. That's fair. Yeah, we don't.

Celebrity culture. Where are we at? Oscar Pastori is granted parole after serving ten years for the murder of Reeva Steenkamp. Wow. Ten years isn't fucking enough.

Theo Von
I agree. Especially on International Women's Day. Fucking hell. South african people, which is just one day, remember? Just today.

Yeah. And I vote give them a couple days. Yeah, right. Even just like a day and a half. Like, fuck off.

And they gave you what is today, a Wednesday? Thursday. It's Friday. Oh, it is Friday, but sure. Yeah, but give the.

Hey, give these bitches a Saturday. I know. Imagine if he gave us a Sunday. Oh, no. We need to.

Celeste Barber
Small steps, guys. Small steps. The peace. Bring that back up. South african Paralympian Oscar Pistorius has been granted parole effective January 5, 2024, after serving ten years for the 2013 murder of his girlfriend, Rivastine camp.

Theo Von
Known as the blade runner for his carbon fiber prosthetic legs, he went from a public hero to a convicted killer. Wow. That would be so crazy getting out of jail. Fucking hell. That guy needs to go back in, huh?

Celeste Barber
2013? I didn't know that was. Yeah, he needs to absolutely go back in. The parole hearing took place at the Adoridge Correctional center near the Capitol, Pretoria, where Pastorius has served the majority of his sentence. And what is he doing now?

Tell me he's not running again, is he? Just. He trying to shut down International Women's Day, that's for sure. That's for damn sure. He is, and I'm not gonna let him.

No. Miss Steenkamp's parents gave an interview to a british newspaper in February for the 10th anniversary of their daughter's death and said that they had not forgiven Pistorius. No, me neither. Yeah, me neither. That guy seemed like he just was gross.

Yeah. Oh, God. No. Good. No, God.

Theo Von
Anyway, I really. That was. Shouldn't have talked about that. Anyway, horny koalas. You're going to the States.

So you have a us tour. Yeah, we have a us tour. What does that feel like? It's a lot. Going to another country and touring.

Celeste Barber
It is a lot. I just find touring a lot. I find the whole thing a lot. It's a lot. Yeah.

But most of my audience is in the States, so. And most of the money's in the States. Is it? Yeah. So I go and do that.

I go. My first show is May 2 for Netflix as a joke, in LA. Oh, wow. Opening night of the festival on stage at the same time as Seinfeld down the road. So I reckon six people will be at my show.

Theo Von
I don't know. Seinfeld's getting older. I'd go to Seinfeld. Yeah. I'm funny.

What if you're at Seinfeld, sign up on stage. Sorry. Yeah. 100 meters down the road. I think it just depends.

Yeah, there's just different. There's so many different audiences now. Right? Yeah. You know, Internet.

Celeste Barber
Right. It makes everything so much bigger and smaller. Do you feel like. Cause a lot of your popularity came off the Internet. Right.

Theo Von
Like, a lot of. Same for me. Right. Like, a lot of, like. Are people seeing me?

Right. Cause it's. It's just getting eyeballs to see you. So did you feel like you had, like you had to make that up when you get on the stage? Because sometimes it's scary.

I feel like. Right. If you get the publicity before. Yeah. You are.

Celeste Barber
You gotta back it up. Right? Yeah, no, I absolutely felt that. I kind of. I.

It was really important to me that I bridged that gap, because the Internet, it's free, right? So, you know, you've got millions of followers, but doesn't fucking cost them anything. So how many followers do you, you know, are people. People are. I love you.

I love you. Cause you're free, bitch. And you're on my. In my hand when I'm on the toilet, I'm good. But then I wanted to see how that translated, and it translated very well, you know, sold out shows.

But I really wanted to prove my stripes because I trained as an actor. That was always my thing. But I started the instagram stuff because I couldn't get a fucking job. Yeah. So I did that, and then, you know, it blew up, and I.

I didn't want to just. Yeah, like you say, just kind of be on stage and people be like, oh, you better hear. So I wanted to make sure that it translates well. It's so funny to say that. There's something scary, in a way.

Theo Von
I thought about this, about people coming to see you live. Cause you're like, if they already like me, then all I'm doing is risking them not liking me. Absolutely. And it's fucking. There's something that's kind of, like, harrowing about it.

Like, there's times where I'm like, gosh, I just. If they already like me, maybe we're good. Yeah. Like, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I.

Celeste Barber
Yeah, it's like, well, they like me, and now I'm gonna do a tour to see if they really like me. It's, like, fucking masochistic. Like, what is that? Like, prove it. Prove it.

That you like me. Yeah. You know. Cause the parodies and stuff I do on instagram, at first, people like are you just gonna kind of come on stage and then just, like, change into different costumes? So I thought, you know, it's that tricky thing of going well.

Do I give an already excellent, strong audience more of what I've already given them and what it seems like they want, or do I give them what I think would be a better show? So, you know. Yeah. Like, what the fuck do you do there? I know, it's scary.

Yeah. And then you just keep fucking going out and doing it. And again, you know, you sell a show, you sell a tour. It goes really well. And you're like, oh, cool.

They do like me, but it's not enough. So now I'm doing another fucking tour. And now I'm panicking about that. Like, what is that that we do? It's so masochistic.

Just stop. Just start selling water. Yeah. Yeah. Make money that way.

Stop making things hard for yourself, Celeste. Yeah. Start making things hard for yourself. Yeah. I wonder.

Theo Von
There's definitely. I have this thing. Like, I want to make sure that I get to see every. Like, I'll go to all the mar. Like, I'll try and go perform at all the markets.

Like, some people will go to the big city. I'll go to, like, as. Like. I mean, you can't go to, like, towns, really, but there's, like, fantasy in my head where I'm just on a bus. Like, and we just set up a tent and we do the show in a town.

Just, like, I just wanna get every. I wanna. Yeah, I wanna interact with everybody. You wanna reach everybody. But the weird thing is we do on our phones.

I know. I guess it's so ridiculous. But I have. Yeah, I think I have this romantic version, this old school version, you know? Yeah, absolutely.

That I romanticize. Have you done a tour bus? Do you do tour bus? Yes, I've done a tour bus. We've tried everything.

We tried the motorcycle with the little thing on the side. Oh, fucking hell. Oh, we tried that. And I was, like, sitting there just holding a box of, like, t shirts for merch. Yeah.

Celeste Barber
Some caps and. Yeah, we tried the campervan, like a family camper, you know, that you rent. It's like $19 a day, and it's basically just like a cage. Oh, yeah. And they don't go up hills.

Yeah, you got to jump out and kind of fucking push it up. There's nothing in there. It's like anytime fitness, basically. Yeah, it's like an anytime fitness on wheels. There's, like, two kettlebells in there, and then there's just some, like.

And Chevy Chase just sitting in the. Front and some dangerous man complaining that the water fountains broken. You know. How many people do you tour around with? My tour manager, Tim, and then two comedians, usually.

Yeah. So it's a pretty small group. But then if you get a production, like, if you start to go into places where you have to bring production and then you have to bring, like, then there's other people that come, but they are more of, like, the production side, maybe, but it's pretty interesting. It's pretty interesting just to see it and learn. Yeah.

Theo Von
It's kind of scary, though, some of the responsibility, I think, just with touring, it's like, once you're like, okay, I'm really gonna go do this. Yeah, I'm this guy now. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, now I'm.

Celeste Barber
And it's supposed to be fun. We did a tour bus, 2018 massive tour bus. It had twelve bunks in it. Oh, yeah. Had a massive bedroom out the back.

And it was me and my best friend, tour manager, and it was like a Janet Jackson backup dancer fucking bus. And we just ran amok on it. It was so fun. Wow. Yeah.

Theo Von
And you went all across Australia? No, all around America. No, we don't do tour buses here. Cause it's too big. The country's too big.

Celeste Barber
Yeah, no, we did it all through America. Fucking wicked. I love tour bush costs a packet, though. Yeah, it's expensive. When it came out of a sold out world tour, I was like, have I broken even?

And my manager's like, that fucking bus that you wanted, that bust, you idiot. But otherwise you're like, walking or you're on a donkey. You're donkeys. Lots of donkeys. The last tour I did, 2022, I did 80 shows in three months.

Theo Von
Wow. Like a fucking idiot. Oh, like a fucking idiot. And we were just playing, so we were just. Travel day was a show day.

Celeste Barber
Travel day, like, averaged about 16 hours in every place. It's so hard. Shit. Yeah. And you forget how much I need creature comforts.

Like, get to a point where you're like, why am I still navigating how fucking doors work? Cause you're in a different place every time. So some doors are pushed, some do run into, like, it's so, so discomposing. I think the government would get this shit together. I don't want to say anything.

Theo Von
NATO or whoever, the group, you know, NAACP. I don't know who does it, but whoever. Fucking make one door. Right? How fucking hard is it?

Outlaw some of those, like the. Some of those hinges are kind of. I don't want to say. I don't know what they are. They're just.

They're bisexual, I think. Okay. I was gonna say they're shit. Some of them are willing to do anything, right. Yeah.

Celeste Barber
And they're also super. I know. We need white on International Women's Day. Let's get some fucking women making doors. Yeah, I reckon.

And they'll swing when we need them to swing. Yeah, I like that. Yeah. We need some fucking women's doors, huh? We need doors for women only.

Women's fucking doors. It's about time. In America, there's a lot of women that will say that. There's, like, a male glass ceiling on comedy and stuff. Do you hear that here or.

Theo Von
No? Do you feel like it's just. Oh, a glass ceiling. Yeah. For.

Celeste Barber
We. Absolutely not a male. Oh, what, the men ceiling. But nobody says that the glass ceiling is made out of men. You know what I'm saying?

No, we know that, though. We know that. You know, because it's. Yeah, it's been made by men. Good luck.

Well done with that, though. All those glass ceilings are made by the same person. They should get into the fucking doors. Does it feel like that in the. Like in the Australia comedy scene?

Theo Von
I guess. Cause I don't know the scene that much. I have some friends here who are comedians, but knowing the scene is totally different, you know? Yeah. Look, I started as an actor.

Celeste Barber
I've always been funny, but I'm not like a comedian that's been gigging for 25 years, you know what I mean? Doing the 03:00 a.m. Slot and all that sort of stuff. So I kind of came up before acting. Oh.

Theo Von
So it's kind of a different avenue. And Australia's really different to the states. Like, we don't have comedy clubs on every corner. We have a handful of clubs. We have, like, open mic nights at pubs or bars, but it's nowhere near as big as it is in the states.

Celeste Barber
I did notice that when I got to America, I went into a comedy club there, and I walked into the dressing room a few years ago, and I was like, dracula. We could take that massive life size photo of Bill Cosby down. Is that cool? And they were like, yeah, we can't. It's kind of, like, drilled in and I fucking ripped it off the wall and shoved it behind the toilet.

Theo Von
Really? Yeah. Yeah. Haven't been asked back there. That's fine.

Some of them, they don't want you. Yeah, some of them, they're just their loss. I'll say, yeah, they're obviously into a different type of entertainer. And I play theaters now, so it's fine. And he's obviously a hypnotist.

Celeste Barber
Yeah, that's. Yeah. Misunderstood, I think they say, what if. He just said, what if that had been his? What if that had been his defense in court?

I'm just a fucking hell. I'm just a really bad hypnotist. Fucking hell. So crazy. Has he died?

Theo Von
I don't think he just went back out on tour. No, he didn't. I think Nick Swartzen's touring with him. On International Women's Day. He's just jumped back on tour.

Celeste Barber
So what just happened? Are you telling me that his fucking tour went on sale the same day mine did on International Women's Day? Fuck you, Cosby. So people. But people can go see.

Theo Von
So all your just your australian New. Zealand tour went on, but America's on sale. Yeah. So I'm in America maybe June. And you start with the Netflix festival.

Celeste Barber
Netflix festival. And then Phoenix, then over to Washington, and then fuck around for a bit. It's tricky because I'm based here. I've got a family here. I've got a life here.

So, yeah, I'm trying. This will be the fourth time I've done a world tour, and I'm still trying to figure out the best way to do it. I don't know. Like, the last one I did, I was saying, you know, I did a heap of shows because I was, like, just cram the fuckers in so I can just go get it all done and then get home. But that was too.

It's, like, still six or so weeks without seeing my kids. And I just finished filming a show down here. I don't live in Sydney. I live north. So I was away from them.

They had three days to build the show and then take it onto it. So that was all bananas. So this time I'm trying to do, like, a couple of weeks, and then we're gonna have a week off. So the family will come over, we'll hang out in Mexico, and then I'll go back out for, like, three weeks. But it's just.

It's hard to kind of navigate that. It's hard being like a mom and all that, but living on that you can't even side of the world is really. It's hard because most of my audience is in America. Yeah. I mean, my only child is my own depression, usually.

Theo Von
And I've just. That's. I've got her as well. Don't worry. But it's like, outside of that little motherfucker, I don't have to, you know, everything's pretty.

Like, I can't even imagine with a family. And that goes with you everywhere as well. You can't even leave her at home if you want to go out. So how many children do you have? I have two that came out of me.

Celeste Barber
But I also have two stepdaughters that I've had for 20 years. Yeah, Cinderella. Are those stepdaughters? I'm Cinderella. Yep.

I'm Cinderella. Of course. I've had the girls since they were two and four. They're now 21 and 23. Okay, so they're not at the house, like, asking for sandwiches and all?

Oh, fuck no. When the eldest, Kya, turned 18, I kicked the door in and went, happy birthday. Thanks. I went, get out. So what do you mean?

I went, consider yourself raised. Get the fuck out. Out. I love you. Out.

And she was like, happy to like, yeah, get out. I'm done. I'm open this women's door for you. Yeah, exactly. Watch.

It goes both ways. Look at that. Yeah. So. But now you have new offspring.

Yeah, I got two little dudes. I got, wow. A nine year old who turns ten on Monday and a twelve year old, two boys. And do they think it's interesting that you're this funny lady? Like, what is their concept of their mother as a comedian?

Theo Von
Do they have that? Do they have a concept of it or. I think they say, no, not, I think they see it as my job. I will say, though, that my twelve year old, my kids are really fucking funny too. Like, I don't think anything's funny and I think they're fucking funny.

Celeste Barber
Oh, yeah, it's really cool. So now that, you know, he's twelve, he, he's kind of getting it a bit more. He'll like, I'll say something to my husband and he'll over here and he'll be like, oh, mom. I'm like, yeah, bitch, welcome. Like, I'm a massive deal.

Get on board. It's great. Yeah, so they, yeah, they kind of. Oh, must be cool when you're, if your kid starts saying your, your kid starts entertaining you. Kind of low key.

Theo Von
That must be pretty freakin interesting because then it's like, oh, I made that. Absolutely. Yeah. But then when they're really annoying, I'm like, I fucking did that too. Oh, yeah.

Celeste Barber
Like I say, you know, a lot of myself, obviously, in them, and I'm like, yeah, that's gonna be tricky for you, mate. I went through that. That's. That's gonna be hard for you. That awkward?

Theo Von
Yeah. That's crazy. Oh, growing up is so awkward. Like, do you remember whenever you got breasts or whatever? Like, always had him?

Celeste Barber
I was born with him. Were you really? Yeah, it was a baby with tits. Wow. It feels like it.

Hold on. Some politician will bet on you. Okay. Wow. Yeah.

And he's about to hit puberty, my boy. No. Yeah, it's. And what, do you start to change the furniture around the house or anything? Do you put up like a dancing post?

I leave. I come to Sydney for a month and I say to my husband, fucking sucked in. Enjoy that. Or I ask him a lot. I'm like, he's been in the bathroom for ages.

Is this a thing? And he's like, just chill. It's fine. So he's peeing? Yeah, he's actually peeing.

Theo Von
He's getting a really deep pee out. Yeah. So walk past his house, bedroom. You gotta get him a scratching post or something. Like one of those cat posts, you know, like.

Celeste Barber
Yeah, true. I wish. Yeah. A lot more parents should do stuff like that. Or get some breasts that you nail onto the wall or something.

But isn't that what boys do? Don't they just sort it out themselves? I don't wanna. In some tribes, the brother will teach the child, the younger brother, how to masturbate. So it's like.

Theo Von
Doesn't seem like a shameful thing. It seems like this is a way that things are done in our culture, you know? Yeah, right. Are those tribes also in Ireland?

I'm not sure they could. Again, if it's a tort thing, in all my experience, you boys just figure it the fuck out. But you don't, though, that's the problem. You just go out into the woods or you go into like some corner. Go out to the woods or you.

Hide in a hamper at a friend's house. You know, that was a big. In their mom's bathroom. Just 100%. We had this one kid, bro, if you ever needed him, he was in.

He was in. My one buddy had a hot mom. He was in their hamper all the time. Oh, my God. Crack it open.

He'd be in there. Oh, God. You got a fucked up mate. Just making organic beverages, dude. That guy was a real dirt ball.

And he still is. Honestly, I think he's buying bars. I want to update everybody that we had a lawsuit from Kai the hitchhiker. You might be familiar. And finally, it has taken seven months.

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That's right. Unlimited web design and redesigns, unlimited website updates 24/7 support, digital advertising included. Plus you get a designated designer. Go to modiphy.com theo for 50% off the last website you'll ever need. I saw that the Just for Laughs festival, speaking of comedy festivals, was going out of business.

Did you go ever go with that? I did Montreal a couple of times. You did? Yeah, yeah. I only heard that the other day.

2024 Just for Laughs comedy festival canceled. Company seeks creditor protection wow. Can. Yeah, keep scrolling. Is that just in Montreal?

Celeste Barber
Because we have one in Australia. We have in Sydney. JFL. Has that been canceled? Good question.

Theo Von
The Montreal company that operates the just for Laughs Comedy Festival has canceled the 2024 edition of the event. Wow. So 2024 Montreal is canceled, which when is? Sorry, I'm learning things today. When is it usually on?

Celeste Barber
I should know. I've played it. I believe it's usually in like a few months. Right. So that's late to cancel.

Like, is everyone fuck that? They must have made. Just realize it's not gonna work. A formal process under Canada has canceled the 2024 edition of the event after filing a notice of intention to make a proposal to creditors. 75 people were laid off Tuesday morning, according to a festival spokesperson who called the company's financial situation unsustainable.

Yeah, festivals are tricky. The company cited lost revenues during the two years of the global pandemic and challenges facing the media industry, particularly reduced budgets at networks and streaming platforms as reasons for restructuring. Wow. It's kind of wild when things like that start to go away. But I think, like, things like, just for laughs, they're not as much of a launching pad for entertainment anymore, for comedians and that not.

It's not a money making vehicle. Like, I don't. And I've always found it quite weird. I don't really do festivals again because, you know, I didn't come up through stand up. But that idea of going, there's 300 shows on over four days.

Theo Von
Yes. In two. Two streets, two blocks. And each comedian's got to try and push their own fucking show up against that. Like, I didn't.

Celeste Barber
I always found it kind of, and I know so many of my mates do those festivals. They're like, it's fucking impossible to sell. Try and sell out even, you know, 300 seats. It's impossible because my mates down the street, it's just. Yeah, it's really.

Theo Von
Every venue in the world is selling tickets on the same night. It almost does seem kind of ridiculous. It's like, what if all your major sports teams played on the same night? Exactly. Well, they'd never do that with sport.

Celeste Barber
Not sacred sport, but with the arts and comedy. Fucking hell. Figure it out, you weirdos. We don't give a shit sport. We went to a Sydney Swans game yesterday.

Yeah, good. Yeah, it was cool. AFL. Yeah, AFL, it's like soccer and rugby kind of a little bit. It's, um.

Yeah. Rugby union, do you mean, not rugby league? I don't know. I couldn't tell what this. It's kind of an interesting sport.

Theo Von
You can't tell what sport it is. It seems like they're trying to play. Every sport at once and they're incredible. Like, I don't really follow AFL, but when I do see it and, you know, talking to people who love it, they're incredible fucking athletes. They just never stop.

Celeste Barber
Just pinning it around and throwing and kicking like it's not. You run, you stop, you sit, you go again like it's non stop. It's amazing to watch. Yeah. It kind of has, like, a soccer aspect.

Theo Von
Cause it keeps moving. Do your boys play sports or no? Yeah. My oldest boy loves rugby league, but I've pulled him. Well, he's not gonna do it for a year.

Celeste Barber
He wants to, you know, get his shit together. So we started doing rugby union instead. I fucking hate it. What is rugby union? What's the difference?

Um. Oh, can someone else bring this up? Here we go. Rugby league is. I don't know how to describe the difference, because if you watch it, it looks very similar.

There's everyone listening. Who knows. Sports is gonna be, like, this bitch trying to tell us about fucking union. Listen up, fellas. This is how it is.

Theo Von
No, it's international women's day. You're good. Wait, I know. I'm bored because it's sport, but. Well, there you go.

Did you play sports when you were growing up? No. Really? I danced. You did?

Celeste Barber
Yeah. You were a trained dancer? Sure. Not trained, but, like, as a kid, dance, you know, every day of my life up till I was 16. Fucking loved it.

Theo Von
Oh, it's beautiful. Well, my main goal in life was to be a Janet Jackson backup dancer. Oh, I love her so much. God, it's so beautiful. Yeah.

I have never met her before. I've had dreams where I've met Tito Jackson. Oh, how'd that go? Yeah, it was, like, at a recovery meeting, but I still got to meet. I got introduced to him twice in these dreams.

Yeah. Yeah, right. It's very specific. Yeah. No, I'm obsessed with Janet.

Celeste Barber
I saw her 1998 velvet rope tour in Brisbane. Nuh uh. Changed my fucking life. Where were you at? Where was my seat?

Like, Rosie. Seat 87. Would've had a better seat in the fucking car park. I didn't care. And what were you wearing?

Theo Von
Just your young breasts. Yeah. Just baby tits and jeans. I don't know if we can say that. We probably won't say that.

Celeste Barber
I reckon. I'm happy to stay for the edit if that helps. I'm available all of a sudden. No, I'm obsessed with her, but even more so her backup dances. Yeah.

Theo Von
Cause it's so much to be a backup dancer because you're right there. You're right on the cusp of the star. You're smelling their fucking breath. If they fart, you're in it. Absolutely.

Celeste Barber
But you need to know your place. So you need to know that when Janet breaks off from the group and does her thing, that's when you can go. And, you know if I can go, ham. But when she comes back, you gotta make sure you fall in line. I think a lot about Taylor Swift's backup dances.

I think about them a lot. I went and saw her a few weeks ago. You did? Yeah. And did you go alone?

No, I took my nine year old niece. Beautiful. Yeah, I'm pretty amazing. Do you think some women went alone? No.

No. I think. I think people went in fucking cults together to that and with their cauldrons. Huh? Fucking hell.

No. I don't think there was anyone there alone. And if they went alone, they didn't leave alone. Like, it was a lot. But I think about her backup dances because she's on tour at the moment.

Biggest tour in history, and Beyonce's on tour. Biggest tour in history. And you just fucking know that. Taylor Swift backup dancers also auditioned for that Beyonce tour. That's tough.

There's a lot of skipping around. They come out on push bikes, they bring out pumpkins and do, like, liturgical. You don't notice half the shit they do. Next thing you know, one of them. Yeah.

Theo Von
Just has, like, a. They'll have a stuffed animal, they'll have a bassinet, 100%. You know, one of them will have a drum. One of them will be just, you know, landing their ass on the other one or something. And before you know it, it just.

They have to keep it moving. But you re. I really noticed it, and I really noticed the backup dances, when Taylor would dance with them, I'm like, oh, that's. I wanna recarry that and be right there. And Taylor's unbelievable.

Celeste Barber
I'm obsessed with her. I think she's incredible. Is she a dancer? No, mate, she's not a dancer. But she is a hype woman.

Yeah. And she dances in front of 100,000 people the way that I used to dance in my bedroom alone when I was nine. And I have fucking respect for that. That's what I think it is. I think even when you see her, just like at other shows, you see her dancing, you see her having a good time.

She's all teeth and elbows. Yeah. But you go, great. I love that for you. Yeah.

Those backup dances, you can tell they're. Like, you think some of them, like, that could be me? Do you think some of them have to leave the tour cause their ego gets too big? I reckon some of them have to do a drop in dance class once a week just to really hone their craft because they're not getting it on stage. Yeah.

Theo Von
They have to dumb it down almost, huh? Maybe. Yeah. You gotta be careful with what you say about Taylor? Cause the swifties will come for you and.

No, I'm just saying. Skin you alive. Really? Are they bad? I'm not worried for you.

Celeste Barber
I'm fucking worried for me. You talked about tits on a baby. You're already fucked if I go for Taylor. I don't think we should. Yeah, no, that's gone.

Theo Von
Look, I'm okay with a lot of surgeries. I don't think that's one of them. No, Taylor. Yeah, I think she's great. I just don't know if she's a dancer.

Some of the stuff you see at the shows is you will see a lot of people filming their child trying to get their child onto, like. Yeah, look, Taylor, this is little Dino or whatever. Phoebe. Yeah. Yeah.

You know. Yeah. This is Chloe, and she's your, you know, biggest fan. Biggest fan. And she's, like, eating a bowl of fucking glitter.

Celeste Barber
Tears. Yeah, tears and resentment. Three and a half hour concert. Wow. Fucking hell.

That's a lot. Mmm. I went to the bathroom at one point and I came back to my niece and I said, oh, Taylor's. She got changed during this song. And my niece went, no, it's a different song.

And I went, it's fucking not. It's all the same. I thought it was the same song. She's like, no, it's a completely different song. Oh, yeah.

Theo Von
Yeah. I was so high. One time I went to Green Day and the opening band performed, and I thought that was green Day. And I was. Who was the opening band?

Celeste Barber
Band dua Lipa or something. Probably somebody. Yeah, I think it was, like, changi or something. Oh, wow. Did you leave after it?

That was. I was on my way out. That was great. There's heaps of cabs available. I get an uber.

This is awesome. I was on my way out. What else is going on? Oh, yeah. So one thing that people love about you, obviously, so much is just, like, bucking, like, the beauty trend and, like, taking on beauty in, like, such a ridiculous way.

Theo Von
Is it, like, beauty kind of. Or is it just, like, what is, like, the fulcrum of, like, what you feel like you kind of, like, to pinpoint? Cause you have so many videos of shit that's like. Yeah, like somebody in the rain drinking a soda. Just, like, things that.

Like. That normally they make it look all sexy and erotic, you know? And you just kind of make it look like real humans. Like, what if we all did this? Yeah, I think because kind of, like, Taylor Swift's dancing.

Celeste Barber
Exactly the same. Taylor and I are the same. We're exactly the same. But like, and dance. I think just that whole idea of unrealistic ideals of women being sold as realistic.

Theo Von
Yeah. Like before social media, you know, you get a magazine or whatever you see. In the media, magazine drawing or something. Yeah. You're like, oh, it's Cindy Crawford being fucking amazing.

Celeste Barber
She's on a motorbike on, in a bikini on an Empire state building drinking a Pepsi. You know what that is? It's an edited thing and that's what it's been sold as. Then kind of social media came out and similar ideas are being pushed. But it's like, this is what I look like dropping the kids off at school or like this is my morning routine.

And it's 04:00 a.m. And she's in a bikini and she's doing yoga on a beach. She's got a green juice and her kids are, you know, gorgeous. And just doing school drop off from that bitch. That's not what fucking school drop off looks like.

Yeah. That idea of it being sold as. It just, it's trash. It's just, you know what? It's fucking hard because then when you get it on your phone and you already hate yourself and it's 03:00 a.m.

And you're breastfeeding your child, who won't fucking breastfeed, but you have to breastfeed them because if you don't breastfeed them, you're a shit mom. You may as well give him a fucking meth pipe. Cause that's something else we have to be doing. And he's also eleven, right, which is a little crazy. Exactly.

And he fucking hates you. Yeah. And you scrolling through your phone and then you see these images and they get into that psyche. I was like, that's bullshit. Oh, yeah.

Theo Von
It's like, why do I have to feel bad suddenly? I already feel bad, but at least I could put the fucking magazine down or turn the fucking tv off. Yeah. And then we get these in our hands, and if you put that down, you'll fucking explode. And they just peppered.

Celeste Barber
And I was like, no, I call bullshit to that. I call absolute bullshit. I still do. Yeah. And then here's the worst part, is I think that then your brain starts to feel bad or something.

Theo Von
Then you release some, like, thing into your breast milk. And now your kid fucking feels bad, you know, absolutely. Your kid's all fucking pissed or whatever, 100%. Some chick with no kids is fucking, you know, showing her tits near a toaster oven or whatever. Making breakfast.

Celeste Barber
Yeah, exactly. She's not making that breakfast. But I also wanted to show the other, like, I'm sure there are people out there that do sail on a yacht to drop their kids off to school in bikinis, and. Incredible. But not everyone's like that, and that's not represented.

It's not represented. So kind of true, huh? Why do we get afraid? I think to share whatever is probably really real, I guess. I think it's shifting, though.

Theo Von
Yeah. And I think maybe because it's boring, it's not aspirational. And we have to constantly, especially, you know, in the public eye or in the media, got to be aspirational. Someone asked me in an interview yesterday, well, what's next? You've got a world tour.

Celeste Barber
You're doing this, you're doing that. So I'm going to lie the fuck down. Yeah, that's what I want to do. I want to try and figure out how to live one day without anxiety and sleep for longer than 4 hours. Like, that's a goal of mine.

Doesn't always have to be, I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna do that, gonna do this. And that's the stuff for social media, too. Yeah, well, I think there's. It definitely creates a world of, like, I have to do something else. Yeah.

What's next? What's next? Because people have seen it next, seen it next seen it. Even, like, in tv now with streamers, consume television on streaming services the way we consume TikTok. And this is one of the craziest things that happened.

Theo Von
You start to not even value, you don't even realize how much production goes into television stuff. So people don't even value it as much anymore. They value it as, like, if this doesn't get my attention pretty quick or I'm not in, I move on. It's almost like you scroll past it, and to think that that much production and time and creativity and everything would go into a program and you would just scroll right past it. It's one of the reasons, I think, why, like, even JFL are saying that there's problems because there's just tightening budgets at all those places because they, they can't figure out how to make it where people are sticking around, you know?

Celeste Barber
Yeah. And people want everything for free, but that's, that's, you know, that's what the industry and, you know, society, social media, all that sort of stuff is put out there. It's like, if you don't binge this show in two days, you're a fucking idiot. Because we've got 40 other shows that are coming up that everyone else is watching, so you have to. You have to kind of keep up watching it.

And if you don't, well, then aren't you a loser? How dare you watch one episode a day? F head. That's the whole thing. And then it totally.

Theo Von
Who cares if your children can't read this second episode of Gray Grise? Zelda, you little bitch. Yeah. Bridgerton, 60 five's coming out. You're not onto it yet.

Yeah. And that's. I think that really dilutes the quality of what we see, because Bridgerton, for example, you watch that, it drops and you binge it in two days, and then everyone loves it, and they're like, you have to make another one. So instead of going, all right, well, let's go and develop some scripts. We'll get some writers out.

Celeste Barber
Oh, we're going to. What draft do you usually shoot on? Oh, 10th draft. Fuck that. Second draft.

Shooting draft. Go, go. Elizabeth needs yellow fever or whoever the. Characters are, to absolutely dilute the quality of it. Put Bridgerton in a fucking coma, and let's fucking keep it moving.

Episode one, but episode two. Fucking bring him out. Keep going. Yeah. Things start to lose quality because we want things so fast.

Yeah, it used to be. It's always been a tough industry and challenging. I kind of like that about it, but it's fucking brutal now. Like, in. What is the acting side.

Yeah. Trying to get. That seems impossible. Like, I had a show on Netflix that went really well. It fucking killed.

Theo Von
Yeah, well made. Yeah, it went really well, and it didn't get renewed, and I. And I. And they said because of numbers, but the numbers were really good. You just have to keep up, and it's.

Celeste Barber
You can only control that so much. And a lot of these people making those choices have no idea. Or accountants. They're. Well, they are just.

Theo Von
Yeah, they're. They have no idea what's cool. And that's one of the. Also one of the things that I do like about people being able to make their own content and have their own voice is because those people thought they knew everything, and they don't know shit. No.

And now their old festivals are falling apart. Their networks are making shit that nobody's paying attention to.

I think it's part of the problem. I mean, I'm probably a little jaded, too, you know, similar thing happened to me, but it's like they tried to get so woke. I don't know. And the US, like, the Comedy Central got so woke and everything they put on people that weren't even fucking comedians making show. It was just like.

And it. And then now they'll, like, give. They want to come and offer you, like, $500 to come make a show with them. Like, get fucked? Yeah.

Celeste Barber
Like, yeah. With special. Absolutely. Yeah. They're like, we're going to give you $0.16 for your special.

Like the one that I sold out worldwide and made a fuck ton of money on. You can't have that. I know. You can't have that. Yeah.

Theo Von
Was that. Did that. Did that feel kind of scary? Because I guess when you're an actor, you getting a show is such a huge thing, huh? Was awesome.

Celeste Barber
I fucking loved it. It was so fun. I have to watch it. I haven't seen it. I just saw that you.

Theo Von
I know that you did it, and. That'S all I know. I was executive producer on it as well, which I fucking love. Really? Did you get one of those little chairs with a black back on it?

Celeste Barber
No, I didn't. Fucking hell. I should have got that. Oh, well, I got an ego, though. Yeah.

Massive ego from it. I just loved it. I was, you know, it was a show that was built around me. It was a dream situation. It was a book that was then turned into a show, and they wanted to build it around me and had awesome people on it, and we made it, and it was fucking wicked.

I loved it. I loved it. I loved the story as well. I loved being a woman 41 now, you know, on screen, being big and loud and flawed and annoying and weird and exciting. And before we were talking about audiences and people come up to me in the street and just like, women, they're like, I fucking saw myself in that character.

We don't see that much. Right. And so I love that. So I really, really would have loved to have extended that and given more to that story and seen more in that character, as well as being the lead in a fucking show for a second season, an executive producer. Like, I'm not hiding that.

I enjoyed that. So the whole experience was awesome. Well, it sounds like it. I want to go back and watch it. I like some australian shows.

Theo Von
I like Bondi rescue and I like, you know, Chris Lilly shows. Yeah. You've seen all of your stuff, like, from the beginning. I think I've seen everything. The problem is.

Well, Netflix took half of their. They used to have it up. Have you seen Summer Heights high? Yeah. And have you seen we can be.

Heroes looking at my dick? Yeah. Fuck you, miss. Sorry for saying fuck you, miss. Mister G.

Mister G. Oh, it's so good. She's a naughty girl with a bad habit. A bad habit for drugs. Ecstasy.

Celeste Barber
Ecstasy. I fucking love him. Did you see? We can be heroes. That was his first one.

No. We have australian of the year in Australia. Yes. And it's about. I have seen it.

Theo Von
It takes place at a school as well. Well, it's all. Again, different characters all over Australia who were nominated to be australian of the year. Yes. And he plays all of them.

Celeste Barber
It's worth watching. I have to go back and watch. Yeah, go and find it. For sure. It's.

Theo Von
Yeah. The only place I can find somewhere I tie was on, like, YouTube in, like. And it's somebody else watching it on their television, and then. Yeah, vietnamese it. Where was it?

Celeste Barber
Was it on Netflix? No, this was on YouTube. It used to be somewhere good, but remember they tried to cancel him here. That was the dumbest shit ever. He's a fucking legend.

Chris is hilarious. Yeah. I don't know. I kind of dropped off after summer heights high for no fucking reason. I just.

I didn't really see much of that stuff after that, so. Good. Hang on. Yes, I did. What was.

Theo Von
He's year twelve and, um. Nathan. Nathan. Those brothers. Fuck, that was funny.

Celeste Barber
Nathan, like, screaming. And he's next to him. And what about when the other kid comes up? That's, like, a better dancer than him. It was so fucking crazy.

Mister G, that character. Oh, and Jamae. So good. So good. God, that was so good.

Theo Von
It's just. It's. That was like the Seinfeld of Australia, I feel like, in a way. Yeah, yeah. Cause it's so on the nose and perfect.

You're like, could anything get more perfect than that? Yeah. Did you ever once meet him? Once? Oh, yeah, right.

Yeah, I got to meet him once. And I was so. Yeah, it was just. Yeah. Was it awesome meeting him?

Celeste Barber
I've never met him. Yeah, it was awesome. He came on the podcast last time I was in Australia. Great. Yeah, it was super.

Theo Von
I came downstairs in the hotel, and he's just kind of standing off to the side, kind of like. Kind of has this, like.

Kind of, like, shyness, I guess. Curious kind of guy. I'm interested that he did your podcast. Cause I don't think he does much does. I don't think he does a lot.

Celeste Barber
Of stuff like that. He does anything. Super stoked about it. I'm gonna try to get to say hey to him before I leave town. He said he's out of town right.

Now, but yeah, right. He's a funny guy. Yeah. Did you ever do, like, see Kath and Kim? Kath and Kim.

Kath and Kim. It's another australian show that's fucking brilliant. It's about, like, suburban Australia. Shawn and Marley, I like. Have you seen them?

No. It's like recipes and down syndrome, basically. It's like a little. Is it australian? Yeah.

That's good. I didn't know that. Yeah, it's quality form content. Good telly. Good telly.

Theo Von
Sean is more of bit of bit. He can get a little agitated sometimes if the vegetables aren't right. Hang on. Wait, is this a tv or YouTube? This is YouTube.

It's really great. Let me. Yeah, let's. So Sean and Marley, one of them has down syndrome, I believe. And I believe they are.

I don't know if they're christian or not, but they're asian. Well, we can't watch it. But they're great, though, if you could see them. Yeah, well, really wonderful. What else are you thinking about?

Celeste Barber
What else am I thinking about? My kids got a football game this afternoon. Are you gonna make it? No. The second half.

Theo Von
Yeah. Mom. Yeah. He said to me on the phone, he's like, mum, will you make it to the game? My nine year old, I went, look, my flight gets in like 20 minutes before you start because that's okay.

Celeste Barber
You can just come to the second half. I was like, you're the fucking best, man. That was nice of him. He's the, like. He's fucking wicked, dude.

Theo Von
My mom would sit in the third out in the outfield, in the van, and she would say, hit it or we're leaving. And she would fucking lay on the horn if we wanted. What did you play? Play baseball. Right.

Celeste Barber
Hit it. Horn when leaving. And we would. Oh. Because she didn't want to wait for the second time for the batters to go around.

She's got shit to do. Because I didn't get to play much in the field. They would put me out there, but it was like. They didn't want me out there. Did you like it?

Theo Von
I didn't like it. What, being in the outfield or playing at all? I just didn't like being out there, I guess. I don't know. There was things I didn't like about it.

I guess I didn't like the heat out there. Yeah. You always feel like you're supposed to do yard work. You feel like a farmer. You're out there with all this land, right?

In, like, left field. You don't have any seed. You don't have any mules. You're, like, fucking around. Yeah.

Celeste Barber
With your own thoughts. That's never good when you got depression, man. You're like, this farm sucks. I'm just wondering where the nearest fucking bridge is. This isn't good for me.

And they're long games, right? Baseball long. Oh, so long. It's like cricket fucking long. Oh.

Theo Von
Cricket seems unbelievably ridiculous. It seems like they shouldn't do it. That's what it seems like. Right. And it also seems like they don't really do it.

Celeste Barber
I'm like, you don't do fucking much. Yeah. And then all of a sudden something happens and everyone shits themselves. Like. No.

Like, four people of the 50,000 people that are fucking standing out there playing get excited for ten minutes and everyone goes home. Yeah. And it's all across the news. What happened? And it lasts for, like, three days, too.

Yeah. Isn't there like a ten day test or something? Yeah, it goes forever. That's crazy. There's, like, an indian.

Theo Von
It kind of reminds me of an indian wedding. A lot of indian weddings are like that. Yeah, but they look fun. Oh, yeah. I think it's a lot more fun.

Fun than a game of cricket, probably. I think anything is a lot more fun than a game of fucking cricket. Thank you. I really do. I've been wanting to say that, but I think I always be afraid to say it.

Cause I'm like, oh, people are gonna get pissed. Cricket. Yeah, you probably can't. But you know what? Fuck that, man.

I'll say this. The shit looks fucking ridiculous. The helmet looks absolutely insane. It looks unbelievably bad. How do you feel about american football, then?

Celeste Barber
Because they look like fucking idiots. I think. I kind of agree with you. Have you. There's this clip on YouTube of NFL players watching rugby league games.

And because it's fucking brutal league, like, they. Rugby seems way more. They run at each other and they just, you know, demolish each other. That's why my kids doing it. But it's really funny footage of these massive NFL players going, what the fuck?

They can't believe it. Really? Yeah. I mean, that's illegal. That's a spear tackle.

Ten in the bin.

Theo Von
Oh, fuck. Oh, my God. It's so full on. Look out, mate, behind you. Oh, my God.

It makes my penis hurt. Yeah, it should. Makes my penis hurt. Fucking good God. And then he's gotta get him.

Celeste Barber
Oh, it's really brutal. Yeah. When I see a lot of pain, I feel it in my genitalia. Yeah, right. Is that a weird thing?

Theo Von
You think that happens to people? I think men just talking about their genitalia in general kind of weird. Yeah. Sorry about that. That's okay.

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How weird is it? I guess if your child's going through puberty, you gotta, like, you gotta fuck. Do you have to sit down with him? What do parents do? Like, do you ever talk with your husband about how to do that?

Celeste Barber
Yeah, it goes like this. Fucking talk to him. No, that's how I do it, really. I try and talk to him. We've got an email from his school saying, just so you know, this term we're doing, like, sex ed, we're gonna be talking about.

Yeah. And I said to my son, sucked in. You're gonna get it at school. We do. We try and talk to.

But they know. Fucking. Our kids know shit. Yeah, they know. But I think sex ed is when it gets really weird, because then it's like somebody is talking about it and everybody's in the same room at the same time.

Theo Von
And they had a doll. I remember they passed around like a doll in our class, which was crazy. I'm like, people are, like, abusing this doll, kind of like. And there was a male doll and a female doll, but I think it's cause you remember that energy. Did you have to go to sex ed?

Celeste Barber
I don't remember it at all. What? Yeah, I don't remember. Maybe I wasn't at school when it was. We have this thing in Australia called Healthy Harold.

And this fucking van comes around to each school, and Harold is the character. He's a giraffe. And you go into the healthy Harold van and they have, like, figurines, and it's like, this is what a uterus looks like or like, this is what skin can. Like skin. Or, you know, like a little petting zoo.

But then I remember healthy Harold comes. It's a lot. And then healthy Harold comes back, and then they talk about sex ed. And I didn't, maybe I didn't go. Isn't that weird?

I don't remember the whole, you know, healthy hair or condom on a banana thing. I don't remember any of that. Maybe I just skipped it. Well, that's, that's pretty interesting that they use a giraffe to do it. And he comes around and my poppy's name was Harold as well, so I was like, I'm fucking good not learning about this in a weird, dark van.

Theo Von
Well, yeah, getting into a van, I think. But that's happens to a lot of. A lot of people have gotten into. A van and learn a lot of shit. You can learn a lot of shit in a van.

Actually, it's not a bad idea. Almost like an ice cream truck that just goes around with facts about sex. Yeah. You just need to get parents to sign off on it. Yeah.

Celeste Barber
You're laughing. Yeah, we do try to talk to my boy a bit about it, but. Yeah, like, that's just thing I would wonder. And what's the school saying? Like, beware.

I think that. No month or whatever. Yeah, it's not. They're like, you can. You think it's International Women's day.

It's not. It's. We're teaching your kid about shit. I know. So it was just kind of letting us know that they're going to be talking about our menstrual cycle.

Theo Von
No. Yeah. I'm full on at home with that, with my boys. I'm in a house full of dicks. So I'm like, I talk about that a lot.

Celeste Barber
Like, I've got my period. Getting my period. Everyone look alive and like, my. Everyone gird your loins because, yeah, here's. I'm firing some fucking warning shots because it's not looking good for any of you guys for a while.

Theo Von
Wow. But now my nine year old will be like, um, did you want something to eat? If I'm like, I've got my period. Really? You want something?

Celeste Barber
Yeah, I got good kids. Wow. Yeah, raising good kids. That's beautiful. Yeah, sweet.

Theo Von
That's nice. I also have heard my husband walk into the kitchen and say to my boys, boys, it's fucking back. Get out of here. I can hear him whispering. They're like, get out of here.

Celeste Barber
She's not. It's not good. Take it easy today, guys. Yeah. Wow.

Yeah. And will you guys have any more children, you think? No. No. Oh, so less.

No, I've got 100. I'm good. I do have moments, though, and I'm really busy with work and I'm like, maybe if I just have a baby, I don't have to do any of this. I just stop and just have a baby because that's easy. People have babies all the time, I think, just so they can get out of.

Theo Von
Or maybe get out of work or something, or not have to do something. Men do that. Women don't do that. You think? Yeah, that's a men thing.

Celeste Barber
That's not a woman thing. So men would be like, I'll have this baby, and then let's have a kid. It's just easy. And the woman's like, yeah, sure. Then she does it.

She's like, I fucking hate you, man. I hate everything about you. Men will do that, huh? Yeah. Fuck, dude, we're sick.

Theo Von
We're sick, man. I do think about that, though, sometimes. And my youngest really wants me to have another baby. Cause he wants to be a big brother. Oh.

Celeste Barber
But I'm hoping my stepdaughters will hurry up and get pregnant. I'm like, that will work for me. Yeah. As long as somebody kind of fulfills that space a little bit. I think that's super important.

Yeah. What else was saying? Oh, there was a bunch of beauty tips I was gonna ask you. Cause so many things you went through about, like, beauty and different things. We're talking about, like, a lot of your videos.

Theo Von
Do you have a. That's not me. This is not you. No, but go on. Bring that back up, though.

What is some of these? I just wanted to think. What do you think about some of these new ones that people are doing? Nose blush. What?

Celeste Barber
You just make your nose pink? Yeah. I think it's sweeping bright blush across your face onto your nose. Highlight. I don't.

Who wants to highlight the bridge of their nose? I think it started probably with COVID or something. Probably because people were sick anyway. Yeah.

Theo Von
I might as well fucking look really bad. Snail skin. Fuck off. That's. That's not a thing.

Snail skincare. Yeah, this is where I guess. Yeah. People are putting snails and this must be a. This is asian thing.

Yeah. Popularizing Korea. Spread across Asia. The texture of the snail slime on your face is already giving us the heebie jeebies. Actually.

A snail on your face would feel fucking wild. Huh? Yeah, I could feel that in a very specific part of my spine. That's weird. It would be the actual, for me, the slow movement of the snail.

Celeste Barber
I'm just not interested. I would. I'm happy. I would rather look like a hat full of assholes than fucking sit through that. I'm not doing that.

Theo Von
And it's not even a movement. It's just a casual. Yeah. Like, never ending. Yeah.

Oh. Almost seems kind of nice. I think it depends on where you put it at. Yeah, that was quite nice. Yeah.

Like, I don't know if it's soothing or not, though. Flower beads. You know what my friend Caleb told me? He told me that this is the neatest thing I've ever heard. That you can look at anything and know what it will feel like on your tongue.

Because when you were a baby, you put everything in your mouth.

Celeste Barber
What? I can look at anything? Like, you can look at anything, like material or anything, and you can know what it is on your tongue. Yeah, right. That's kind of cool.

Theo Von
It's crazy. You can look at anything. You're like. But he said it's because you tried everything when you were a child, but. It doesn't kind of check out because when I look at those lights, I know how it feels on my tongue, but that's not because I shove lights in my face as a baby.

Maybe not, but do you shove certain fat? It's just like, did we taste every fabric? You know what I'm saying? Did we taste every surface without even, you know. Yeah.

Celeste Barber
Sand, all that shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cause it's weird. You can. Once I start thinking about it, you're.

Now kind of freaking out a little bit, like, looking around, like, how does. Our tongue know everything? And I think sometimes I said this to my kids the other day, sometimes when I've got so much on and. Cause I've got ADHD as well, when I'm really overwhelmed, I can feel the front part of my brain. I can actually feel it.

And when I think about that, I'm like, what other parts of me, if I think hard enough about them, can I feel that? You don't usually think about. Do you know what I mean? Like, same with, if I had a drink of water or something free and then someone tried to talk to me and I had to answer them and I couldn't swallow. And I was like, going, hang on.

And then I went, I forgot how to fucking swallow all of a sudden. Because. Don't say that. Because you don't have to think about swallowing, right? It just happens.

So when you do think about it, you forget how to do it. I'm boring myself, but sometimes I can feel the front part of my brain when I'm overthinking and I feel it's the same thing about that tongue thing. I don't usually think that I can feel my tongue until I think about it. Yeah, we're going to put this part on the calm app to put people to sleep. Yeah, welcome to car map.

We would make it so fucking sick of myself. Jesus Christ. Welcome to calm at. Celestia's gonna tell you about the front part of her fucking brain to put you to sleep. You're in a beautiful open field.

Theo Von
What's that, a bird? What does that feel like on your tongue? Calm down, dude. If we made a calm app episode, that'd be so fire. Yeah, it'd be so good, wouldn't it?

Celeste Barber
Harry Styles is on it. He's on there doing call map shit. Yeah, but it's fucking great because he reads you like a story, and at the beginning of it, he's like, hello, is Harry Styles here? I'm gonna read you a story. And I'm like, fuck.

All right, Harry, why don't you read me a little story? It's really nice. Wow. Yeah, yeah, that would be good. I'm trying to think of some good ones.

Theo Von
I would like to hear maybe from Randy Quaid. Maybe LeBron does one too. He does. Yeah, it's good. I feel like if Kai sinat did one, it would be pretty fucking fire too, but, yeah, I don't know for what his would be like.

Maybe that would be great if everybody started making those. Lots of people that do them. Yeah. Like, I was quite surprised when I saw it. Like, fuck, must be money in that.

Do you do any impressions or impersonations? Kind of. I'm not that talented, unfortunately. Did you ever try them? Like, try to work on it for a while or think about it?

Celeste Barber
No, no, not really. I kind of. I had a little moment of wanting to do SNL back in the day before anyone gave a shit about who I was, but I was like, I'm not really good at that stuff. I fucking think it's amazing, though. People that do it blows my mind.

Theo Von
Did you see Shane Gillis on there? No. Who's that? He's an american comedian. He's, like, a really entertaining guy.

Very funny. He just. He gotten kicked off of the show. Like, they had hired him as, like, a cast member. They'd hired him as a cast member a while, like three years ago.

And then the next day, they looked at some old episode from a podcast or something and said something on it, and they took him off. They said, we changed our minds, and then he blew up. Since then, and he has, like, a huge career, and now they just had him back as a guest. Oh, wow. So did he host?

Yeah, he hosted. Yeah. Right. So I thought it was interesting. I thought he was gonna say at the last minute, fuck, you can't make it, guys.

Celeste Barber
Yeah, yeah. Wow. I kind of wish that he would, would have, but I don't know if that's just, like, a petty part of me that wished that I have that. In me as well. Yeah, sometimes that petty part of you just shows up, you know?

Oh, God, yeah, yeah, yeah. Quite a lot for me. I can be quite petty. Does it feel like, um.

Theo Von
Jesus air conditioning? Yeah. Does it feel. Is it really, you think what, like. Now when you think about it, because you've been traveling a lot, right?

Celeste Barber
You're in hotels, you're on planes. It just like, my voice is busted so that when I tour, the same thing, the air conditioning, just cold synthetic air. It's never right, is it? No. That's why when you.

I get hotel rooms, I always try to get like an open a fucking window. Yeah. Cause it's been, like, I say, four days I've been in a hotel or in a car or anything like that. Or, you know, studios are cold, so, yeah, it just busts my voice. Sometimes when I go to certain places, I'll stay in a place that doesn't have any air conditioning.

Theo Von
And at first you're like, this sucks. But by, like, the second night, you kind of get into like, this real natural sort of pattern. Kind of, yeah. And your body kind of self regulates itself with heat and everything. Yeah, it's so much better for you, but, yeah, it just.

Celeste Barber
It buckles my voice. I'm actually gonna have some free water. Did you see? Well, you said you have ADhd, huh? And how'd you get it?

Just bought it at the store. Just go down and fucking pick it up. So it's not something that's developed? No. Born with it.

Well, I don't think I was born with it. I was diagnosed at 16. Been medicated on and off forever. I fucking hate it. You really?

Yeah, I really struggle with it. I find it really hard. Like, how do you notice it? Cause sometimes I wonder. How do you notice it?

Theo Von
Like, where do you notice? Cause 16 is kind of a young age to diagnose somebody with something, but that's how we do it. And especially in the nineties as well. Like, it's everywhere now, which is great. You know, people talk about it so much now, but back then ADHD was just like, shut up and sit down.

Celeste Barber
Have a pill. Fuck off. It's not just a hyperactivity thing. It's lacking in dopamine and all that. And I just run in circles.

I can't grab a thought. I find it, as I get older, it's kind of getting harder. It's weird. Like, as I say, I'm medicated for it, but I get the medication, makes me anxious, so it's like, well, which fucking devil do you choose to hang out with? Are you gonna be like, well, I'll just be scattered and full on or not as scattered, not as full on, but anxious as fuck.

Theo Von
Fuck. And I don't know if it's a career thing as well, you know, with more success and all that, with so much going on and so much demand, but I find it hard to copper break with it. It bums me hard. See all this stuff online, how people are like ADHD, you know, I find it's like my superpower. And I'm like, fuck you.

Celeste Barber
I don't find that at all. People. Again, I think it might be a social media thing. Like, it's great. It means I can do that and do that and do that and do that.

I'm like, I can't do that or that or half of that or any of that. And I've got a heap of people that work for me and I fucking hate them all because they don't do enough for me. Like, it's just. I find it exhausting and it's the dopamine thing. I don't.

We don't produce dopamine. That fucking drug that makes you happy. Damn. And it. It's.

It's just. It's hard. I find it really, really hard. So people with ADHD don't produce dopamine. I think we just don't quite.

I think we are. It's harder. It's a lot harder for us to produce dopamine. Can you look at it ten times harder? I think it is.

And I really. I feel that on a fucking cellular level, trying to write a stand up. Show like, you need the dopamine, you need the excitement. I need a brain that can work, that can go, that's funny. That's funny.

Bring it in. People with ADHD have at least one defective gene. Oh, damn, your shit's messed up. Yeah, we're fucking. The DRD two gene makes it difficult for neurons to respond to dopamine, the neurotransmitter that has evolved in feelings of pleasure and the regulation of attention.

Can you please tell me. Can you please tell me what people they have at least see? I have to read it again. Can you please tell me what the DRD two gene is? Is that just.

I wonder if that's what's in your doctor. Dopamine receptor d two, also known as d two r, is a protein that, in humans is encoded by the drd two gene. Yeah, dopamine. The dopamine d two receptor is the main receptor for most antipsychotic drugs. The structure of doctor two and complex with the atypical.

Theo Von
It's not helping me. No. There's so many words for me right now. Yeah, it's a lot. Pretty.

Celeste Barber
Pretty pictures, though. You reckon? I've got add. I did. I was like, they look like streamers.

That's what I thought when I looked at that. Yeah. Cause I just. I tell you what, if I take an antidepressant, I got off, like, three months ago, and then I just got back on, like, two days ago. I just couldn't take it anymore.

I was on antidepressants coming off, though. I actually. My last stand up show. I talk a lot about that. That's no fucking joke.

Coming off those. Did you find it really hard? Yeah, I found it hard. I found the harder part for me is realizing that I have to go back on right now. Cause I think I didn't want to have to be back on.

Theo Von
And traveling in Australia has been. It's just been tough. It's been tough to, like, I had a good pattern of, like, fitness and stuff at home, and I've still been doing well, but just not as organized. Your sleep patterns get off. So it put me in, like, a real.

I got into, like, I got real angry, and then I got, like, in a real tough spot, and I just didn't know what else to do. So I was like, I think I just have to get back on them. So I think part of me was really bummed out that I had to. Yeah, yeah, I. I understand that.

Celeste Barber
I remember when I had to go, I was on them, then I went off and went back on them, and I thought the same thing. I was like, I don't want to be trapped on it. I felt trapped on antidepressants, it takes so long to come off them. Like, coming off them, like, takes six weeks, you know, to wean yourself off. I was like, I just.

I don't want to have to do that again. Well, I got on them, like, 20 years ago, so I'm like, have I just. And the tough part is I don't have a lot of feelings. I have feelings, but it's hard to know what they are because the antidepressants kind of just make everything feel the same. Right.

Theo Von
And then a lot of times, some feelings I don't process. So I get in this tough spot where I'll get off the antidepressants so I can have some feelings. Right. But then sometimes if I'm not careful, there's some pitfalls, and that can get, you know, pretty deep and so it's just tough because then it's like, well, like I wanted to, like, I want to get, you know, like married or something one day. And so I start thinking, well, I don't even know how I feel about people sometimes.

Like, if I'm dating, it's hard for me to even know. Cause it's just hard for me to access my feelings. It's. Yeah, they're numbing, aren't they? Blunt?

Celeste Barber
Yeah, they blunt. Yeah. Everything kind of feels the same. It's like, oh, man, I just saw that dog get hit by a bus. Or do I like Sharon?

You know? Exactly. It's the same feeling. You're trying. So I was like, I have to get off of these, or I'm just gonna be stuck in this cycle of not knowing how I feel about someone, you know?

Yeah. But then it's got. It's just gotten too steep recently. So I'm gonna get back on. I am back on now.

Theo Von
And then maybe I'll get off whenever I get back home. See, I'm. When I'm touring, I'm in the best routine. Isn't that weird? Wow.

Celeste Barber
When I'm at home, I'm so fucking scattered with the kids and life and trying just to. And I think. Cause I probably have my husband there as well. I'm like, help. And is a husband helpful or is a husband not helpful?

No, he's brilliant. Let's get to the bottom of it. Yeah. That's the only reason I'm here. Really?

Yeah. I was with the children to tell. You how great my. Yeah. Time.

He's all time. No, he's brilliant. Is it hard to love somebody after you're, like, married for a while? Does it get different? Kind of.

It's not hard to love him. We've been together for 20 years. Oh, wow. I think. I mean, he's the only thing I've committed to and not.

I'm not. Don't just mean person. I mean, thing. I adhd. You can't.

I don't know how to really, really, really crave stability yet. I'm fucking terrified by it. But I need it, so it's. And I have that with him, so it's different. Sure.

But it's. It's. I'm. I love. Yeah.

Stability. And I get that from him. Oh, that's nice. It's so great. Was it hard to make that decision?

Theo Von
Yeah. Cause I think I have, like, tough time of commitment. I just. It's like fucking the last thing I. Wanna do well, I think I'm a goal oriented person as well.

Celeste Barber
So, like, I kind of met him and went, let's go. I also fell pregnant, so we got married. Oh, you did? Yeah. But we were together for two months.

Yeah. Week and a half. No, eight years. Wow. Yeah.

Ages. Long distance. We've always been long distance. You have? Yeah.

Theo Von
Something kind of nice about it. It's almost a romantic and long distance, like you're coming back from war. Yeah. He's going off with the troops or whatever. Absolutely.

Celeste Barber
He's at home making things for me. Making it nice. Making the weapons. Yeah. Making the pie that I eat when I come in.

And so now with touring and being away for work, we're kind of used to it. Yeah. Yeah. Do australian comedians feel like they have to go to America? You have to get that american audience?

Theo Von
Is there, like, a feeling like that? I don't. I don't think so. I mean, for me, yes, because my audience is there because of the Internet, but there's some fucking brilliant australian comics, some of my favorite, that are here and are killing it here and don't have to go anywhere and. Oh, that's nice.

Celeste Barber
I mean, I don't sure. They probably want to go do what they want doing, but they're killing it here. They don't need to. That's a smaller pool as well. So, you know, you.

A lot of our comedians are on tv as well. They get great, you know, jobs on telly. They don't need to worry about fucking off over there. Yeah, yeah, I know. It's so nice here.

Theo Von
It's so safe. That's the craziest thing. It's like, you can go somewhere and you're not gonna get killed. Well, yeah, by a gun. You might buy a fucking shark.

Celeste Barber
Yeah, yeah. But you're gonna notice that your pants are getting wet first when you go. Swim in the ocean. You're like, today might be the fucking day. Yeah, yeah.

But not just walking down the street. Yeah. You know, it's milling in a park and it's. Yeah, exactly. Tarantula just runs at your face.

Theo Von
Dope shark just rolls up on you. Fucking alligator comes after you. Oh, we have a. Yeah, it's one of our most dangerous animals over there. It's just homeless people.

When is the gun drugs and the gun? Can you imagine if guns were all over your country? I fucking can't. When I'm over there, I'm in the States. I'm like, we rolled into a place when I was doing a show on the last tour and 500 meters down the street, there was a shooting at the.

Celeste Barber
At the local mall. Yeah. And I was like, are we alerting authorities to get me the fuck out of here? Like, you know, it's the biggest thing in the world for us. It's the biggest.

If there's a shooting, where in New South Wales is there a shooting in fucking Queensland? I'm telling you, siren alarms will go off here. Oh, yeah, it's. And I remember then these women came to my show that night and I do a meet and greet after and it's that thing as well. Do I talk about it when I get on stage?

What do I do? It was so close by. Like, three people were fucking shot and killed. Oh, sorry. I didn't know you were dying.

No, but like, it's like, what the fuck? Yeah. And then I, you know, you make the decision not to talk about it because it's like, I'm giving you guys an hour of laughter and I don't want to be that Australian that comes in and goes, you guys are f ed. And then I did a meet and greet and there was this group of women after and I was talking to them. Yeah.

And I was like, that's really full on with what happened. And they just glazed over. They didn't care. Well, no, they just. You have to.

Because they're going to put their kids on a fucking school bus the next day and send them off to school. Like. Yeah. Anyway, do you miss your kids when you travel without them? Oh, you guys have different coping mechanisms than we have.

It's built different. Oh, well, no, it's gotten extremely. Just severe and bizarre over there. It blows my mind. People are, like, wishing their children well and, like, getting them, like, Kevlar and stuff for Christmas and, like, bullet resistant things.

Theo Von
It's just. And all the debates that go on after there's a shooting, they're like, well, you know why this is? It's because some random man had an issue once with his mother and found. And I'm like, what's the end of that word? What's the end of that sentence?

Celeste Barber
A gun. You fuck heads. Like, what the fuck? I agree with you, but how would you get rid. That's the problem is at this point, there's no, you're fucked.

You're so far in with the NRA and everyone's all up in. Everyone. Yeah. It's like, how would you get all the guns? Well, we did a buyback series system in Australia.

Theo Von
You did? We had a mass shooting. Port Arthur 96, was it? And it was the greatest mass shooting we've had in this country. And then our government did a buyback system.

Celeste Barber
You got $300 for everyone who brought in their fucking guns. And they fucking. Sure, there's psychos who were like, no one gets my gun. But we did a buyback system in America. I bet you would get 20,000 guns in the face.

Hey, I have an idea. Fuck off. Okay. Yeah, you would get. You're right.

Shot in the fucking face.

You got to cut all this out. Cause now I'm terrified when I go to America, I'm getting shot in the fucking. No, you're not getting shot. I sent a DM to Pablo Escobar's wife when she got out of prison, and I haven't been killed yet, so I didn't know. I thought she was single.

I thought, oh, you sent it like a fucking DM? I mean, I didn't say, like, oh. I thought you were like, congratulations, he's out. I wish you both all the best now that. Oh, dude, I just said, hola, mama.

Theo Von
But still, I think, yeah, people could perceive that wrong. But, like, I. Yeah, you're gonna be fine. But, yeah, it's so crazy. You don't realize how less stress I feel being here.

It's like, I don't even wanna go back. Part of me doesn't even want. It's so fucking scary. You don't realize that there's always this thought in the back of your head that somebody's gonna just. He's got a gun.

Celeste Barber
I think shooters are the worst. They show up, they kill 19 people. They're just trying to shoot one guy. Fucking hell. They have the worst aim.

Theo Von
We've got to start training these kids to shoot better. I'm gonna stay out of that one. Where can I get in and out? I'm doing everything I can to get the fuck out of this now cancel my tour. I'm not going.

Celeste Barber
I don't even care. I don't know what the solution is. But, yes, we. I do. Fucking guns.

Theo Von
I agree with you, but how do you get rid of them? Because the criminals are not gonna turn him in. And the guy that's afraid the criminal isn't gonna turn it in isn't gonna turn it in. Don't you have incentives to buy guns over there? You open a bank account, you get a gun.

But people don't want. Yeah, nobody would. It's just too ingrained in the culture. Yeah, no one's gonna like belly buttons. Right.

If you try to take somebody's fucking belly button, you get shot. In the face. People would be pretty tough. I'm sure you have. It's very popular, Jim Jeffrey's bit on gun control in America.

Celeste Barber
It's good. He's so good. He's such a legend. Have you gotten to meet him? No.

That bit he does is fucking brilliant. It terrifies me, though, when I'm over there. It's very scary. It terrifies us. It's really not cool.

I run my mouth. I run my mouth a lot. When I get there, I'm like, well, I can't because. But you guys are charming. You guys are like a.

Theo Von
Like when the. You know, when the rare white wombat comes to the zoo or whatever. I feel like that's what it's like when Australians come, people want to go see what's going on. Look at them. They're in the cage.

Celeste Barber
Your fun. You got your fun. Give them a celery. You know? Are they all british?

Theo Von
I just feel like people are so intrigued about seeing you guys. But there is a peacefulness over here. What else is it about it? Have you been to New Zealand? Yeah, we went to New Zealand.

Celeste Barber
That's where it's at. I fucking love beautiful. And it's. Love it over there. Very unique.

It's magical. I'd move there in a heartbeat. We went to Auckland as well. And you meet people who are saying. Making sounds and they don't know what they're saying.

Theo Von
Are there's. They're using only vowels. I met people who use only vowels. What are you doing, honey? Zero continents.

You're like, wow. Like a fucking witch then. Oh, I saw a guy spraying. He'd sprained his fucking spine trying to finish a sentence. I think you just maybe run into someone who happened to be on fucking ice like that.

Celeste Barber
Doesn't like the one dude is on fucking meth in the street you rock up and talk to. There could have been some tranquil going on. Let's. Let's bring up that one video of this girl. Do you see this video of this young lady?

Theo Von
It's so funny. When you're putting your mind to it, you know exactly what to do indoors. How was that for you? Oh, it was amazing. I mean, it was such a strong race.

Celeste Barber
We were all running so fast. Multiple running in the fifties. So I knew I had to go out first. I'd leak in front of. Of me, so I wanted to be in front of them.

Theo Von
And that's. I could hear over. She was behind me. Hang on, where's she from? What accent is that?

Celeste Barber
I can't get past it. That's Disney's, bro. She's from Disney. Oh, boy. Sorry.

Can you play? Let's play it. Is that all right? If we could play it again? I just need to fucking know again.

You know what I can feel right now? The front part of my fucking brain. You know exactly what to do. She's british, indoors. How was that for you?

What are you. It was amazing. I mean, it was such a strong race. We were all running so fast. Multiple running in the fifties, so I knew I had to go out first.

I'd leak in front of me, so I wanted to be in front and I could hear. Hopefully she was behind me, so I was like, okay, look at her, mate. Her mate's like, you put the mic on the wrong bitch. She's. That's Mickey Mouse.

You know when she's not doing that, she's a suit operator at fucking Disneyland of Mickey Mouse. She's gotta be. That's amazing. See, you could convince yourself Mickey Mouse has just broken the 400 meters indoor world record. Fans react as Femke Bowl.

Theo Von
Femke bowls interview. Oh, Glasgow. She's. Oh, she's scottish. Glasgow.

Have you tour over there in the UK? Oh, boy. Yeah. But I've never been so tired of. Just being like, right, that.

Celeste Barber
That was. That was fucking great. With the. Hang on. American cartoon character, the dutch runner enter the world championships with a world record of 49.24 seconds in the 400, but blew past the timing again in Glasgow.

What happened? I want to know what happened 30 seconds before that interview, did she rock up? And they were like, let's do an interview. And her mate was like, it was amazing. Her mate was like, I don't reckon we need to do an interview.

We're good. But Mickey Mouse was like, oh, a crack. And they're like, no, we've already achieved so much. We just nailed it. She's like, I've always.

You guys never let me do interviews. Can I do an interview? And they're like, all right, gird your loins. Here she is.

Theo Von
That's crazy, man. That's funny. Any other news, guys? Anything else that's going on? No, that's the only thing that's going on in the world.

Celeste Barber
Fucking Mickey Mouse went for a run.

Theo Von
Oh, yeah, they went to the zoo. Oh, yeah, I saw that. Great. Well done. Not surprised it's something you.

I think it's like an australian tradition, coming here and going to the zoo, huh? Yeah, I think so. It's a pretty cool zoo. Oh, it's like a sanctuary as well, and they do conservation. They do some fucking great work there.

I thought it was way hands on. I was kind of surprised. And, yeah, it's like you really get close to some animal. Yeah. The Kelsey man has a brother, is that correct?

Celeste Barber
And did he just retire from something? And, yeah, he plays football. He played for the NFL, for the Philadelphia Eagles. Is that the same team as the other Kelsey? No.

Theo Von
Different. Just won the Super bowl? No, because I saw his press very tear filled. I was. I thought his mother had died.

It was a lot of tears. I was like, we all fucking retire. What happened? It meant a lot to him, but it's interesting. He went through a lot of stuff.

He went through, like, also, he talked about, like, his family. He got real deep into it. I think sometimes it's almost. You wonder, though, like, are they trying to get them to do more now? I thought it was very genuine and touching, but, yeah, he was.

He had a lot of look. I thought it was very genuine and very touching. I just didn't need to hear it. I was like, maybe on a podcast, like, you know, you're going on later and having a chat to someone about. But it went on and on.

Celeste Barber
We had no cousins. It was just me and my brother and widget. Like, just come out, make the announcement. All right, I'm done. It's been a great season.

It's been a great 40 years that I've been playing catch up, bitch. You still fucking cry. Like, it just went on for me. International Women's Day is so disrespectful. Oh, that's a good point.

Theo Von
On International Women's Day. Do you think that people are less emotional in Australia? No, I think we're still pretty emotional. Yeah. I just don't think we have as much media attention on it, like, you.

Know, and especially him. It's kind of interesting, the side effects of, like. Cause I. I've always thought Travis Kelsey, like, darker women. Right.

That's always been the. I don't know, the man. Like, if he. If he ate an Oreo, he would just eat the sides. Oh, right.

Celeste Barber
Well, he's not now. You know, right now. I mean, now he's going heavy cream. Yeah, he's going full cream. Yeah.

Theo Von
So it's just. I think a lot of people. I. Yeah, I think there's a lot of, like, a lot of people wondering the reality behind that. Like, is it real?

You know? Yeah, I think. And you don't know with the media. You don't know what their strategy is. You don't know what their plan is, you know, they could easily approach people and say, this is what we want to do.

Celeste Barber
Yeah. You know, well, Australia. Shat themselves when he flew in for one of her concerts. Well, yeah, that's the crazy part. I just wonder what his life is gonna be like now.

Theo Von
Because that's a level I feel like, of fame. That's kind of, like, miserable. Every interview is asking about her. Every. And it will be for the rest of his life.

Celeste Barber
Yeah, it's Taylor Swift. You can't fight that. I wonder if you think about that before you, but maybe you don't. I don't know. I'm just thinking out loud, you know?

Theo Von
I mean, if you're really in love, you don't. That's what I was gonna say. If you love something, you're like, fuck it, whatever. Who cares? But I think if you go in with it, with an idea of it being an arrangement, then it's different.

Celeste Barber
So maybe it is love. Do you know what I mean? If you don't. If you love someone, you just go into it, and then you find yourself in interviews, always talking about them, always talking about your relationship. Yeah.

Theo Von
Gosh. Gosh, I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, that level of fame. Fuck, I couldn't do it. Yeah, it feels like a lot. No, no, no.

It already. Sometimes it's weird when it starts to feel like your own name doesn't even belong to you anymore. Does that make any sense to you? It makes absolute sense to me. Even when I'm on a fucking phone call calling, you know, my kids school.

Celeste Barber
Hi, Celeste Barber. Like, shut up. Like, I feel like going, can I speak to so and so? Or. Yeah, saying.

Even saying my name now feels kind of weird. Or when my mates are like, we get a table somewhere. They're like, say, celeste barber, like, no. And they're like, we do. What do you fucking mean you do?

Theo Von
You're not even there. I'm not there. I'm in America. How do you mean? You got the fucking table at Nobu in Sydney.

Celeste Barber
They're like, no, it's fine. And then they just spent the whole time at dinner going, she's coming.

Theo Von
That's actually a great idea. Yeah. If you're waiting for a table out there, make sure you say Adele. Yeah, Adele. You get a table with Adele.

Well, I'm glad I got to have a table for a little while today with Celeste Barber. Thanks for meeting up. I know you have a lot going on, and I know you have to go home to your son's birthday. Yeah. And his football game.

Celeste Barber
No, it was good. It was good to come in. It was good to meet. I hope we made it work. Thanks for moving it as well.

I know you had to move it around a bit for me. I appreciate it. That's all right. I'm glad that we got to. Yeah.

Theo Von
I was trying to learn as much as I could about Australia. I think we talked about Australia some, huh? Yeah. You're gonna do, like, great barrier Reef or Great Ocean Road, any of those sort of things while you're. I think the next time I come, I'm gonna come back one more time.

Celeste Barber
And make it a thing. Yeah. Just one more time before you die. Well, I don't know. I mean, I might come back more than that.

Theo Von
I used to have a dream I would meet my wife in Australia. Yeah, right. But I think a lot of people romanticize stuff like that, you know? You have nothing wrong with that. Yeah, no, it'd be nice, but you never know.

But I think the first time I came, I did shows, like, and it was like travel show the same day, that sort of thing. It was way too hard on me. It's too much. That's what. My last tour I did that.

It's way too hard. And so this time we slowed it down, and it's been awesome. Got to be at the Gold coast and see different places and spend a little bit more time in different cities. But then it also gets kind of long. You know, you're gone for three weeks and you're like, yeah, but my biggest audiences are in Australia.

Celeste Barber
Yeah, right. Mine are in the states. Look at that. Wow. Yeah.

That's the goal, isn't it, to slow it down so you can kind of live and enjoy work? But like I was saying, I can't. With kids and living so far away. Where did you go on the Gold coast? We went to Paradise Cove or something.

Surface paradise surfers. Yeah. Yeah, it was good. We got some electric bikes, and we got to ride out onto the water, like, onto the beach. Yeah.

Wow. It was unreal. Might have been the neatest thing I've ever done. I literally felt like I was on the moon, which we've never been. New fucking magic beaches we have up there.

I'm up. That's where I live, up there. Really? It's just like, oh, yeah, I know. It was so fucking good.

Theo Von
I just wanted to just rip my fucking.

Celeste Barber
Penis off of water. That's how I felt, really. Oh, you might find your wife up there. Who knows? Yeah.

Theo Von
For some reason, when I'm having a good time. I literally want to rip my penis off and just throw it into whatever I'm having fun at. Kangaroo. Just whipping at a kangaroo at a sanctuary. No, those kangaroos are too dangerous.

Celeste Barber
Yeah, they'll fuck you up. All right, Celeste baba, people can watch your special on Netflix. They can check out your tour. That's now, will this also be coming to the States? Yeah, I'm there.

2 May. Oh, okay. Netflix is a joke. Oh, that's right. You still have touring for two months.

Theo Von
Okay, sure. May. June. Yeah, buy fucking tickets. Celestebarber.com, please.

Celeste Barber
Yeah, that'll help. Harbor.com, please. I've enjoyed spending time with her. I'm sure you guys will, too. And thank you so much.

Theo Von
And happy birthday to your son. How old is he gonna be? Ten. Oh, wow. It's such a big age.

Celeste Barber
Yeah. Double digits. God, he's growing up. His name's Buddy. It is a real name for someone.

It's fucking buddy. Wow. That's the best thing about Australia. People have names like Buddy and Poppy and Lily. Yeah.

In America, when we're there and my other son's name is Lou, they're like, hey, buddy. And Lou's like, no, that's him. And Buddy's like, how does everyone know my name in America? In America, we have names like bullet. And casket, fucking stud and Tod and cock and chunk.

Theo Von
All right. Cheers, Celeste. Thank you. Now I'm just floating on the breeze. And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take a little.

Celeste Barber
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take a little.

Theo Von
And I feel I'm falling like these leaves I must be cornerstone oh, but when I reach that ground I'll share this piece of mind I found I can feel it in my bones but it's gonna take a little.

E499 Celeste Barber

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1: Introduction

2: Life as a Comedian

3: Impact of Social Media

4: Personal Stories

5: Closing Thoughts

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