Conscious Parenting: Elevate Your Parenting, Empower Your Child!

This episode delves into the principles and practices of conscious parenting, exploring how parents can raise more mindful, well-rounded children through self-awareness and intentionality in their parenting approach.

1. Conscious Parenting Defined: Conscious parenting involves being fully present and engaged with one's child, promoting a relationship based on understanding and mutual respect rather than control.
2. Importance of Language: The language used by parents profoundly affects children's perception of their environment and themselves; hence, positive and empowering language is crucial.
3. Providing Choices: Offering children choices rather than commands can help foster independence and decision-making skills.
4. Impact of Presence: Being emotionally and physically present and available for children helps them feel more secure and valued.
5. Flexibility in Parenting: Adaptability in parenting approaches as children grow and change is essential for meeting their evolving needs.

1. Introduction to Conscious Parenting

Tony Robbins introduces the concept of conscious parenting, emphasizing its relevance regardless of one’s parenting stage. This section sets the stage for a deeper discussion on how conscious parenting can fundamentally enhance the parent-child relationship. Tony Robbins: "The secret to our approach is conscious parenting."

2. Principles of Conscious Parenting

Discussion on the foundational principles of conscious parenting, including the critical role of self-awareness and presence in nurturing a child’s development. Sage Robbins: "Consciousness is really being awake in the moment to ourselves."

3. Practical Applications

Exploration of practical techniques and strategies, such as the use of empowering language and providing choices to support a child's autonomy. Mary Buckeyte: "If you use the language of 'don’t do this', it’s not long before she’s saying, 'Mommy, don’t do that.'"

4. Reflecting on Parental Influence

The hosts reflect on how their own upbringing influences their parenting style, highlighting the importance of mindful adjustments to foster better outcomes for children. Tony Robbins: "We've adapted many techniques based on our own experiences and the challenges we've faced."

• Practice Mindfulness: Regularly engage in activities that increase your mindfulness and presence, as these qualities directly impact your interactions with your child.
• Empower Through Language: Use language that empowers rather than restricts, helping your child see challenges as opportunities for growth.
• Offer Choices: Whenever possible, offer children choices to help them learn decision-making and feel a sense of control over their lives.
• Model Desired Behaviors: Be the example of the behavior you wish to see in your child, as children learn more from what they observe than what they are told.
• Foster Open Communication: Encourage open and honest communication within the family to help your child feel valued and understood.

Welcome to a brand-new Family Edition of The Tony Robbins Podcast! Join Tony Robbins, his wife Sage Robbins, and their dear friend and podcast host turned surrogate, Mary B., for an intimate, at-home conversation on the topic of CONSCIOUS PARENTING.
In honor of Mother's Day 2024, Tony takes the interviewer's seat and talks to both Sage and Mary about the principles, strategies, tools, and learnings derived from their own journey as mothers. This enlightening conversation transcends traditional notions of parenting, as the trio explores the complexities of modern family dynamics. From blended families, stepparents, same-sex relationships, and co-parenting arrangements, Tony, Sage, and Mary discuss tips for how to make it work on the evolving landscape that is parenthood today.

One of the highlights of this conversation is their working definition of MODERN CONSCIOUS PARENTING -- the shift from stress and fear-based parenting to an empowering and integrative awareness-based parenting.

The family discuss the helpfulness of evolving from high-resistance parenting towards a more mindful, self-reflecting, and self-aware approach. By prioritizing both presence and connection, they explain how parents can create an environment that nurtures the growth of beautiful little human beings – an inside out job. The three also emphasize the significance of our language choices around children, advocating for curiosity over fury and mindfulness over fear. They also share personal anecdotes from their own experiences as parents, highlighting the impact of screen and other stimulus on children's emotional development, creativity, imagination and worldview.

This episode offers invaluable insights for parents, prospective parents, and anyone interested in creating meaningful connections within their families. By embracing conscious parenting practices, Tony, Sage, and Mary invite listeners to embark on a journey of personal growth, self-discovery, and lasting harmony.

Join us as we explore the transformative power of intentional parenting and discover how a slight shift in our focus can lead to profound changes with children and within ourselves!

People

Tony Robbins, Sage Robbins, Mary Buckeyte

Books

Water Fire Child

Content Warnings:

None

Mary Buckeyte
Hi. Thanks for listening to the Tony Robbins podcast. This is just a quick note about this episode, in case you'd rather watch and see the video of this conversation, which includes behind the scenes footage with Tony, Sage and me, Mary B. And that's found@YouTube.com tonyrobbinslive. If you'd like to listen, you're in the right place.

Tony Robbins
Welcome, everybody, to the Tony Robbins podcast. I'm Tony Robbins, and I'm actually running this podcast for change, but I'm joined by my amazing cohorts, sage Robbins and Mary Buckeyte. And we thought, you know, in honor of Mother's Day, it might be nice to share some of the principles, the strategies, the tools, some of our successes, some of our failures. I don't think they're really failures, but learnings that we've had in raising our daughter, who's now going to be just turning three years old, and we're so thrilled with the young human she's become. And I'm sure most parents feel that way.

And, you know, she's special. Born that way. You think, you know, you come in with a certain amount. But we've been very conscious, and we always say, the secret is conscious parenting. And one of our friends, Jesse, was saying the other day, well, what's that look like?

You know, what is conscious parenting? What does that really, what does that really look like? And so we thought it might be really nice, in honor of Mother's Day, to actually walk through some of those principles, some of those distinctions, because whether you're already a parent right now or you're considering being a parent someday or you're the child of a parent, meaning you're human, these principles, I think, can be really helpful in any interaction with any human being, but especially with little people, as we're learning, because it's an art and we don't pretend of all the answers, but we're living in a different world. Also, I think it's useful to contribute because there's so many different forms of relationship. The classic relationship of a husband and wife that are together forever, good for good for bad for whatever, is not really the standard anymore.

In fact, for the first time in history, in this country, in the United States, there are more single parents and more blended family, his, hers, and ours, than any time in history. And then there are all these new types of relationships, co parenting, obviously, same sex relationships. And then there's modern family. That's right. Our constellation, our modern family, which, so we share.

So we just thought it'd be really interesting, because also, it also affects your intimate partner's relationships, the people you love most when you have a child, because it affects everything. And I was having a conversation with a dear friend of ours. He's a doctor and his name is Doctor Steven Cowan and he's also a pediatrician. And he's dealt with thousands of children. He's really brilliant.

He wrote a book called Water Fire Child, I believe it is. And I was talking to him about this and he's saying, tony, I see this happen. So many couples. He goes, having a child's like throwing a grenade into a relationship because whatever you've established gets blown apart as you start dealing with these new pieces. So we thought it might be nice to, you know, bring you not the answers, but a few of them.

In fact, we even hesitated. We've all talked about maybe we should wait till we do an entire course and wait till she's older and, but, you know, I've got five kids and five grandkids. You've all lived your lives with your family. And we have our daughter here of coaching three. We thought, well, why wait?

Let's just share some of the principles. Not perfect. These are not like exact, but we think hopefully they'll be helpful for you and support of this. I'm going to play the role of interviewer here. Since it's Mother's day.

It'll be mother's point of view. I don't keep my mouth shut because otherwise this will go for hours and hours. You're laughing a little too hard on that one.

Mary Buckeyte
Because it's true. Truth is true. So ironically, I went to both these and I said, okay, I'm going to be the interviewer. I'm not going to do content here. You guys do that component because of the mother's point of view.

Tony Robbins
I know we obviously share it because we work together on these principles. But I said, would you guys please give me some questions that you'd like me to ask that will set you up to answer what you want to share with. And neither one of them did any questions. But to be fair, this is real life. You have all your principles.

And last night at midnight, we're having a blast. We're bouncing back and forth. What do you want to share? There's so much you want to share. And then the monitor goes off and our daughter was throwing up.

And so two moms went into full year and went up there and I just got to be the witness to it at all. And they just did their magic with her. And of course, she's great today. Everything's wonderful. But it certainly created for an interesting night right before we went to do the scene, which seems totally appropriate and perfect.

So having said that, welcome to the podcast, Sage Robbins. My Bonnie Perk, Tony Robbins. Welcome to the podcast, Mary Buckeye. Thank you, Tony. Love you guys.

You're the two best moms I know. So when you think about conscious parenting, define that for people the way you perceive it, and also just give us some insight as to what's the purpose of it. Why be a conscious parent? What's the benefit? Why are we going about all this?

Why are we putting so much time and energy into this besides raising our child? Well, you mentioned about a friend of ours, Jesse, and we were having a conversation with him the other day on Zoom, and we had mentioned that we were going to have this conversation here today in this podcast. And he's like a conscious parent. He said, I want to be a conscious parent. And he said, I don't even know what that means or what does that look like?

Sage Robbins
And that really struck me. And the truth is, in order to be conscious, we're all unconscious in a moment. And I think that consciousness is really being awake in the moment to ourselves, because it's really the willingness to have self awareness and self reflection and self responsibility so that we can bring our most present, connected self to the table. And, and so it's a privilege to be here. And thank you for all of you who are tuning in.

Mary, thank you for being here. Tone, thank you for being here. Because I really believe that this is a way forward. You know, if you look at the generation before us, they had their gifts, they had their strengths. Here we are, you know, human beings making our way in the world, and yet there's always those iterations.

And if I really look at fundamentally the core of conscious parenting, it's moving from a fear based model to more of an awareness based model. And so rather than careful, watch out. Don't do that, honey. Be mindful. And what's so extraordinary is our daughter now reflects that back to us.

She always said, mommy, be mindful. And I find that just fascinating. And so, or the notion of punishment or positive discipline holding a line. And so we're going to discuss that further. But really, the core of it I really look at it is really moving from a fear based, I told you to do this.

Listen to me. That's what that looks like. That's what that feels like. And you realize right away that what you say to her boomerangs right back it's true. In a hurry.

Mary Buckeyte
So if you use the language of, like, don't do this, don't do that. It's like, it's not long before tomorrow, she's saying, mommy, don't do that. And it's like, okay, so you. Do you really have to be what you want them to be, because it'll come right back to bite ya. It's true.

Sage Robbins
It's true. So the difference between be careful versus be mindful. Yes. Another way to think about it is the level of stress that most people are in survival, because in the beginning, they're in a relationship with someone else, and they're trying to figure that out. And it's brand new.

Tony Robbins
It's easy when it's brand new in the beginning, right? It's all chemistry, and then all of a sudden, all your triggers come up, all of your past histories. You have to work all that stuff out for those who are willing to do that and make that happen. And now you throw the grenade into the child. And then most people at work and I got my relationship and this child, and what am I supposed to do?

And, honey, you have great language on this. We were talking the other day. It's like, it's really about creating, you know, a beautiful human being. Maybe you can amplify a little bit of that. Well, I think that that's the ultimate outcome.

Sage Robbins
You can look at it from a binary perspective of a good human raising a good human, which. That's a factor. But then I'll also presupposes that there's bad children, and that hasn't been my experience. I really feel that a true awakening is creating an atmosphere, creating an environment that helps to foster children to actually live from their nature, which is beautiful. And so it's creating a collective awakening or a collective movement of raising beautiful human beings, internally beautiful.

Tony Robbins
It's kindness, it's love, it's caring, it's good. Your own sense of autonomy. At the same time, feeling, whether people feel it's a desire to serve others, I think this leads to what I'd like to do, which is to, if you think about this as not being stress based, not being fear based, not installing that in your child without meaning to, because kids don't listen to what we say. They do what we do. They demonstrate it to, okay, more conscious awareness, and it can be more enjoyable.

And not everything's life and death. There's certain things you gotta hold the line on. But one of the things I think is really important in life is that most of us, who anyone's achieved anything knows you rarely just bump into great ideas or great solutions. You gotta pursue them. You have to decide, what do I want?

And we made decisions about what we wanted our child to be like and what kind of human we wanted to raise before we'd ever met her, before she was born. You want to share a little bit our list? Maybe both of you, but maybe you, Mary. Yeah. And I think that that will benefit our listening audience, too.

Mary Buckeyte
If you say, I don't have a child yet, if you're even thinking that someday you might become a parent or you might become partnered with someone who already has children. So however you might come into it, I don't think I necessarily knew that I was going to be a parent someday. Surprise. Yeah. You all had other plans.

God had other plans, yes. So here we are. But I remember this was, like, years ago, like, over ten years ago. So before I was ever. This was before I was ever even pregnant.

You guys had conversations and we sat around and we made lists of what do we want? Like, what's the best, what do we want for this child? Almost like a values assessment of, like, what we want this child to be. And it's, you know, there's so much science to it, too, of, you know, that first kind of emotional stamp in your child passport, through genomics and things, is the imprinting of the parents. And so whatever state the parents are in before conception, that's kind of.

That funnels in. Of course it would. It stands to reason, because your environmental factors and the emotions that you need, you want to outfit your child with that so they have those same survival skills that you do. So I guess that's a long way of saying, if you're even thinking about doing this, there's a preparation to it of what? What do you want from your child?

And because your state is their first stamp, who do I have to be then to become that parent that's fit to do this important job, perhaps the most important of all? And even if you already have a child, it's like deciding, what do we really want this child to be? Not just making it through the day. Cause it's so hard for people. We get caught up in making a living.

Tony Robbins
Instead of designing our lives and helping, not designing our child's life, she's gonna become this singer or dancer or writer. We're not talking about that. We're talking about the qualities, the core qualities of a human being, this human being that is kind, that is loving. We wanted to raise it. We made our long list ten years ago, and we just kept adding to it.

We really want to make sure that she has an appreciation of God and the universe and that she can be guided, she can have some intuition. We want to make sure that she feels like she's here to serve something more than herself. We don't want some kid who's demanding, I'm supposed to have this because we have a world of great abundance, and it would be very easy for that to happen. I didn't grow up with that, and I'm grateful I didn't grow up with that. So what other some of the pieces do you remember that we made over a list for just off the top of your head?

Because she's. The other day we were talking about this, and she's so much of almost everything we wrote down. Gosh. That she'd have a passion for learning. Yes.

Sage Robbins
Curiosity. And once again, I just, you know, this was an intention. Yes. And I also just want to create just one pre frame for those of you who are listening and possibly haven't listened to our earlier podcasts. I wasn't able to carry and had quite a 20 year journey to conceiving our daughter, and so Mary ended up carrying our daughter and then in turn became an adoptive parent.

So those of you who are listening and wondering about this unique constellation, Mary is exactly frame for a moment for the baby. That's a good point of you tuned in for the first time. And so, you know, so, Tony, you were asking about her intention or our intention or the attributes, the attributes of kindness, the attributes of thoughtfulness, that she would be in tune with her own joy. Really, if I think about it, all sums up to her being in touch with her own nature, because as we're aligned with our highest self and our true nature, all these attributes flow out, and it's very organic for us to live from that place coherent, you know, one who brings harmony to life, who's a blessing to life. I think that that's really the definition of being a beautiful human being, one who, by their isness, their state of beingness, that they are a blessing, and she is everything and more.

And it's so. And I say more because just watching this little one walk into this existence, being all that she is, it's just. It's really humbling, and it really schooled me. I think, you know, I probably had the same innocent or ignorance, I suppose, that believing, I don't know, that we were here to teach them everything. And what I really recognize as we're a puzzle piece.

I think our greatest capacity to impact a child is by our own living that truth ourself. She's our mirror. She is utterly. She's our spiritual teacher beyond. So I think that brings up the next question, which is language, right?

Tony Robbins
Another principle of conscious parenting is being conscious of the impact of language. And you brought up earlier one of my favorite examples, which is instead of saying, watch out, be careful, be careful, be careful, which teach the kid, oh, my God, the world's a fearful place to. Let's be mindful here, honey. We're going down the stairs. Let's be mindful.

Let's be mindful. And like you said, she tells us that now, which is even better. She tells neighbors that now. She's like, you need to be mindful here a little bit, but not careful and fearful. So let's talk about the power of language just for a moment.

This idea of experiencing versus judging, because language plays a huge role in that. And so many people are trained, good, bad, right, wrong, and then their whole life is there constantly. It's hard to stay happy when everything is one or the other, right? When you play that game, maybe you can share a little bit of how you look at the language of that and maybe share a little bit what we talked about the other day at the library. Oh, my gosh.

Sage Robbins
It was just two days ago that Mary and I went to the library, and we went there for story time. And why didn't you share your experience? Because I found it to be quite remarkable. Well, it was. I mean, it's.

Mary Buckeyte
We're so lucky. It's this beautiful experience. We have a gorgeous public library here, and the librarians are fantastic. And they read. At this time, I don't know how many children.

There was a lot of children, parents and grandparents, and everybody brings their little blanket. It's just. It's adorable. And they're reading these books, so everything's just this gorgeous experience. But we noticed that some of the language in so many children's books, this particular one, the theme of all these six books that were being read by the librarian that day was a picnic.

All these children's books, each one had some sort of picnic through line through them. And we noticed that not only was picnic the through line, but so was the weather. And, you know, any universally, when it was sunny outside, that all the kids would say, okay, let's say it together. Hip, hip, hooray. Hip, hip, hooray.

It's sunny outside. And then, you know, the story progresses. It's a raindrop. Oh, no. And we were sitting there like, is this really what, what we want to live in Florida?

Tony Robbins
Anywhere but where the weather is going to change? If raining is bad and sunny is good, you just took out where you live half your days of happiness, and it's being printed on a child, and no one has bad intent. But it's like, that's the lack of awareness that happens when we're just going with the flow, so to speak. There's no such thing as good weather and bad weather. There's just the weather.

Mary Buckeyte
That's the whole point of weather. But meanwhile, it just feels like it was like driving, and we were kind of chuckling to ourselves because it wasn't like, once or twice, it was like a dozen times of like, it's sunny, hooray, it's raining. Oh, and, like, the physiology of it, too. Everyone was like, oh, no, it's windy. Oh, no.

You know, is this the message that empowers our children? And I'm not being like, the stories are cute, I get it. And just the awareness of, and everything is teachable and everything in these little sponges is just being taken in, and it's true. And you do that with other books. That you read all the time.

Tony Robbins
We both read. We'll edit the book in our head sometimes when we're reading it out loud to her, because the message is one that's disempowering and it's not meant to be, but it is for kids. And it's this zero to the five years is the imprinting time that is going to let the foundation for most people's lives. And certainly you can change it later on. We're in the business of helping people do that, but it's certainly nice to not have that happen.

And if you just become aware of it, it's not a negative judgment. It's just like, we don't need to make the world be one or the other, because it's not like that. If you can enjoy the sun, you can enjoy the rain. That's the beauty. I remember went to Fiji one time, and I was like, these people are so happy.

Why are they so happy all the time? So I sat down with this one old fijian man. I said, how come Fijians are so happy? Because I think Fijians are the happiest people in the world. And he goes, of course, I've never been anywhere else.

Ha ha. And he goes, well, what makes you happy? He goes, oh, the sun makes us happy. I thought. He goes, and then the rain makes us happy.

The dark makes us, I mean, 50 things that make me happy. It's basically everything that happens in life. And if we're going to have someone be a beautiful human, we've got to learn to appreciate whatever life brings us as opposed to judging it all. But you're beautiful at this, honey. You do this all the time with language and you do it with books.

Sage Robbins
Well, I mean, a couple things. A lot of parents are quite surprised that when we put our daughter to bed that we don't put a light on. And yet, here's what has amazed me and blown my mind about being a parent is being scared of the dark. I don't believe it's an intrinsic thing. It's reflected, it's modeled.

And so many books talk about. There's this one, it rhymes. It would be like, I don't even know because it kind of sounds like it. So I don't want to necessarily call it out, but, cat, I'm a terrible rhymer. I'm not even going to go there.

This is absolutely not working. All children's books seem to talk about, seem to instill the dark, and I'm not. Oh, wow. I'm scared without my mama, and the dark's on. Or the dark, and I don't want to be.

It's like, what? That did not come out exactly like the book and I was trying to filter. So it wasn't exactly the book, but it really has schooled me. The imprinting. The imprinting of fear.

The imprinting of that. Helplessness. Helplessness? Yeah. The imprinting of labeling.

Labeling emotions. Like, how do we know what they're. I don't know what you're experiencing. I don't know what you're experiencing. You don't know what I'm experiencing unless we actually inquire.

So who are we to put a label? When you talk about the power of language, if your child's having a wave or if they're feeling an emotion of some sort, who am I to say that that's anger? Even if it might look like anger. You know, Mary, you're always so mindful and in tune with our daughter, whether maybe she's having a wave of hunger or she's tired. And so if she what appears to be a temper tantrum, it's like, hey, frick, you know what we're like.

You know, she didn't have a great snack or she didn't have a nap. And so I really feel like, as a parent, sometimes it's stepping 100ft above and observing and including that information because that information helps us to be more compassionate. Yes. You know, rather than like, oh, wow, look at this child. They're just on the ground and throwing a fit.

You know what a. Whatever we would call that. It's like, gosh, you know what? They didn't have a nap today and they have an aid or a few. Somebody used the language with us once that was get curious, not furious.

Mary Buckeyte
That's me as a, what's going on with this kid? Instead of like, what the heck are you doing? Yes. And so being aware of what we identify rather than, honey, are you angry right now? Who am I to say that?

Tony Robbins
And when you ask that, it becomes a natural go to for them. Yes. And then pretty soon it's the habit because language becomes a pattern of thinking and a pattern of emotion. And we just don't realize that. But if you become conscious with your children, become conscious with yourself, the first gift is you.

You being aware of it yourself. Cause so much of what we have imprinted is. Right. You're on good, bad, I feel terrible versus I feel good. You know, so it's, I think it's like we said earlier, these principles work for any age.

And they really start with us and then they get reflected in our children. You're bringing up another piece, which is. Cause a lot of the language kids pick up also is from the stimulus they receive. Our whole brains are controlled by the stimulus. There's studies done at Harvard where they take cats and put them in a room with nothing but horizontal lines and their brains formulate a certain way and they can't see vertical lines.

They'll bump right into something that's vertical and vice versa. Well, we've all three decided and agreed that we don't want overstimulation. And there are many other terms. You can run through them, but we don't want our kid. You know, she doesn't watch television.

We don't. She doesn't have a. You go through YouTube, she doesn't have an iPad. And it's not trying to limit her. But once a week we might watch something and we pick something that we know is wholesome and maybe has great music, you know, Mary Poppins or sound of music, you know, that type of thing.

And she gets to have those pieces. But talk a little bit, if you would, honey, about where we are as a society and how that affects kids and how that affects the behavior of kids that many people misinterpret as bad behavior. Yes. Well, we're all doing the best we can. Yes.

Sage Robbins
For Cruz and I see the innocence of, you know, like, frick, what am I gonna do with this child? Okay, I'll put on a movie, or I'll give them an iPad or I'll give them my phone. Cause it entertains them. It distracts them. But another thing it does, what I've observed, anyways, is I think there's a tendency to almost overstimulation for a lot of parents.

Tony Robbins
It's like it's a reality trying to deal with their life and fulfill it. My kid's busy for a moment. We all know what that feels like, though, too, when she's having a nap, it's like she having a nap. Okay, we can do this right now, right? One of my favorite moments of the day.

Sage Robbins
I mean, nobody speaks about that, but when she goes to bed, I'm like. Wow, we high five.

Tony Robbins
It's true. It's a big deal. So I just want everybody to know. It's not like we're sitting around pontificating how you should be. We have the reality as well, and we've got the three of us working on this project.

But it's important to understand that all this is a stimulus, and they pick it up. One example is there's a great. I think Disney made the film the elements. Is it a Disney piece? Elemental.

Yeah, elemental. And I don't know if you've seen the film, but it's cartoon, but it's so well done, and adults can watch and enjoy it. But, for example, there's a main character there, this fire sign little girl, and she falls in love with a water boy. But in the beginning, she's like, I don't love you. I don't this, I don't that.

And kids want to watch these things over and over and over again. Hundreds of times, you know, the same thing, and they take something from. And our daughter started saying, I don't love you, and was like, where did that come from? It came from that, like, verbatim from the scene. And even the tone of her voice was the same tone.

So I think it's really critical not to be over controlling, but to understand, at least in these early stages, because you're also robbing them of their creativity. She has an amazing imagination. She loves to draw and write. She learns languages. She's got three languages.

She's learning. She's learning math, but she has creativity. She's able to do things that when she watches, nothing else is in the world. She's completely there, and that's the only world. And we all know what that's like, it's a nice escape for a lot of people, but at this stage of development, you don't want to lose the muscle of creativity and the muscle of imagination that actually produces joy and happiness.

What's your view? Well, I think it's from kind of the Rudolf Steiner, the Waldorf school style, but the whole philosophy, I think this could be wrong, but it's the idea that the more active the toy, the more passive the child. And the more passive the toy, the more active the imagination of the child. So, like, you give that. Why does Montessori, or whatever it is, Waldorf, have these, like, pieces, basically just wooden blocks of toys?

Mary Buckeyte
Because the child has to be more active when it's just like, scroll, scroll, like glazed trance. It's like, yeah, because there's so much activity happening, all they have to do is just, like, stare. Yeah. And then, but then they need that also. They need that.

Tony Robbins
Then it becomes like an addiction, like anything else. Like, you see so many adults addicted to social media, like, scrolling becomes the way of being. And it's. And it's really nothing wrong with it, but for a child, it's brain dead because they haven't had the time to develop or face challenges and things of that nature. And it also, what really has struck me as, well, watching our daughter, is because the toys are very humble, like you said, you know, they're maybe wooden or just simple painted faces or even none.

Sage Robbins
Sometimes they're faceless, but it fosters a space where imagination just becomes so extraordinary. And so listening to what she's perceiving, what she's imagining, and sometimes I'm like, wow. I mean, I'll look at what she's playing with and the whole conversation and where they're going and what they're doing. And she'll have cars and things. It's just, it's so, with no cars, you know?

And so I really feel it creates a space for one's own innate curiosity, intelligence, creativity, becomes invited to the experience and to what they're doing. It's supposed to turned off by something that automatically just takes over. I'm thinking about specifically, the time just came to mind when all there was were straws, like aluminum straws or, you know, the reusable straws that we have that she had found in a drawer. And the three of us were galloping. Tv was off.

Mary Buckeyte
There were no toys, and we had these straws. Our daughter's quite a little director got to point that out, and we were. Galloping around on our straws. All three of us. Her favorite thing is, guys, guys, here's what we're gonna do.

Tony Robbins
And then she tells us what to do, and we're all galloping along the living room. The fun was, I said to her, I said, what are you gonna do? She goes, I'm gonna show you. I'm gonna direct you what to do. No, I'm gonna.

Mary Buckeyte
She said, I'm gonna tell you when to stop. I'm gonna tell you when to stop. That's right. Which I love for her. That's her in a nutshell.

Tony Robbins
But her creativity and imagination is so alive. And it helps with learning. Cause that's learning really is making new connections, right? So it's not a little thing, it's a big thing. And I understand.

Cause it's like, boy, it's an easy tool to say, I can buy some time, my kids watching this, but especially the zero to five time. All the studies show that it is the probably the worst time for you to let that happen. And if you've done it, understand it was probably survival. But maybe it's something to consider saying, we do it less. Could we eliminate?

Can we do it like, we have a rules, like, only on the weekend? And then we watch a short little bit of a show. Let's talk about autonomy. You know, one of the most important things to me with adults, with anybody is their sense of owning themselves, of who they are, not being just influenced by the outside world. We're all concerned our kids would be by others, and they will be no matter what we do to some extent.

But as human beings, to think critically, to think for yourself, to make your own choices, this is critical. Can you talk a little bit about the offering of options and choices and how that shapes autonomy? Because, I mean, that's one of the things I'm most happy with. Our daughter, besides her loving, kind nature and wanting to give, is that she's decisive. I mean, it's probably because I'm projecting.

If I have a skill, it's my ability to make decisions. Most people just can't do that because they want to have the perfect decision or they want the decision that they're guaranteed to be successful. They want to fail. But if you can't make decisions, you can't really have your own life. You're just going to be following everybody else.

She is her own self wherever she goes. She's herself. She's loving, but she's herself. And that's one of the things I'm most excited about for her foundation. Can you talk a little about the principle of offering options and how you use that in a practical way.

Sage Robbins
Yes. Well, if you think of walking in and your partner is there or your family members there, and you're like, do this. I'm telling you, go do this right now. Maybe. What is it?

Does it create flow or would that create resistance? It's the same thing. Once again, the old way is it's like a Putin style, you know, maybe that's not really parenting. Can we say, all right, and so it is. Which is more of a dictating.

Do this. Yes, because I told you so. You go do that. You know, and that these little children, they'll do it because they're being told to do it. And maybe even a little bit of fear or not true.

Both. So you have the pushback of the temper tantrum, or let me be obedient to you. But there's another way, which is providing a choice. And here's the remarkable thing. You're providing choices or options, I suppose, that help to guide them in a certain direction and providing context.

So I'm trying to think of an example, but maybe if it's. I got one. Okay, great. One of the first ones that we learned were, do you after. It's usually come from a failure of, like, go over there, go eat dinner, go to the dinner table.

Mary Buckeyte
Or. And when that doesn't work, when they don't, then it's like, do you want to walk? Do you want to skip? Do you want to hop? Or do you want me to carry you over there?

Sage Robbins
Yes, you pick. Yes. And then all of a sudden, it's like, there she goes. But if it's just get over there, tush over there. True.

That's a great one. Or if it's. If you're gonna go to bed at night and, you know, I don't want to go to bed. And it's like, okay, honey, well, what would you like to do for five minutes? Oh, I want to play.

Okay. And so then if she's like, you know, I don't. Well, honey, how many minutes? So sometimes she'll say, this many minutes. And I'll say, okay, how about this many minutes?

And then after five minutes, we're going to go up to bed. And so you're providing choices that enables them to choose to use their own intelligence to be a part of the process in the ecosystem and the decision making. And it turns down the volume of a lot of resistance, usually. So. And now, of course, they're going to have their ways, just like we as adults have waves, but choice provides independence.

It provides a space for them to use their own mind and to be able to create their life. And for them to be able to create their life rather than old way is get up there, we're going to brush our teeth. So say, if she doesn't want to brush our teeth in the morning and say, okay, well, would you prefer. Would you like to get dressed or brush your teeth first? Those two choices.

Well, you know what I mean? Whatever it looks like. Well, I want to go, let's get dressed. And so I'm doing a poor job. Even, like, laying out her clothes and saying, which one do you want to choose?

Tony Robbins
Every day she picks. She has two choices, and she picks one of them, and she owns it, you know, and she's. I picked it, you know? And you often say, well, what should I do? You often let her pick for you, too.

Sage Robbins
There's a body of work, a woman by the name of Magda Gerber, who's brilliant. Yes, she is. I believe she was a hungarian woman, and her whole notion was respectful care. And so just like I wouldn't walk by and pick you up or shake you up, same thing you've tried, okay, honey, mom's gonna pick you up right now. And so you're informing them along the.

Tony Robbins
Way, narrating along the way, so it's not a shock. And waiting for a response. You guys are both really great at. We've all learned to do that, but you're both really great at that. How do you deal with these big waves of emotion?

Because you're both extraordinarily good at it. I think every parent needs to understand those giant emotions happen. How do you deal with them? We spoke about it earlier. We're mindful not to label it, not to assume.

Sage Robbins
And pretty much a lot of times our daughter was on the ground and she was sobbing or really crying. I'll just put my hand on her back and I'll say, mom's here. Let me know how I can support you. And sometimes, no, you know, like, maybe she, you know, and so then you, once again, if you were having a big wave, you understand you're creating space for that, for the moment. Sometimes she might say, I want an ice pack.

And it's like, okay, great, I got you an ice pack. What is really blows my mind is actually the very practical things that she comes up with that would actually support her in the moment if all else fails. Just the other night this happened, there was a real acute wave. And, you know, she was just really not grounding in the moment. And so I said to her, I said, you know, rather than saying, let's go outside, I said, mom's considering to go outside and take a big breath to the moon.

Would you like to join me? Okay, she said. And so we went outside and we sat on a chair, and I said, okay, let's take a breath. Mom's gonna. Let's breathe way up to the moon.

And so we took a big breath. And so I'm joining in the regulation, which I find very helpful, actually, in. Those moments, mirror the calm in her emotional storm. Yes, exactly, Mary. And I find that by offering those choices, I'm self regulating.

I'm finding my breath. And to gamify it, Mary, I have to really acknowledge you, because you come up with amazing games and tools that. You'Ll connect, whether my broccoli, my broccoli or Mac and cheese game. Broccoli or Mac and cheese. Close your eyes.

Mary Buckeyte
Close your eyes. And guess which one. That was great. That was so creative. And it works.

Tony Robbins
She loves it. Broccoli. Now. She does. She does.

Sage Robbins
And the other day, she was like, I was feeding her, and she was like, do what mommy does. And I'm like, what the frick does mommy do? And she was, like, telling me to close my eyes, but I didn't realize that the game was. She closed her eyes and then putting a bite in and guess. And I'm like, damn, this is a great game.

Cause she's like, house and food. And I'm like, she's very proud that. She got the right answer. Yes. But once again, and I just wanna mention this, because a lot of times in a family, we're parenting.

I've noticed this. We're parenting a lot from our own conditioning. And so being a parent, as we parent ourselves, it's an unlearning of. Well, it's two things. It's noticing what worked and then it's noticing.

But possibly that you can do kinder or maybe more efficiently or more. With more awareness or more benevolence. And so it's, you know, sometimes I'll hear myself and I'm like, oh, my gosh, that was my mom. Or that was my dad. Or I'll see myself in a circumstance and I'll look at it and I'm like, wow, isn't that beautiful?

You know? And then there's things that it's like, hey, do you know what? I. In this moment in time, I might do differently. And so that's just.

And the gift we were speaking about how our children are our mirrors, but so is, you know, the co parent, you know, whether it be a dad or a mom or whatever that looks like in your family constellation or step parent, if we're not judging them, you can learn from them. And so I love to, I observe both of you, and I learned so much of different ways of a through line that I absolutely would have not considered. So it's almost like going back in the back of the book of what do you notice? Notice from your partner, notice from, if you know, you're in the family or your daughter or your son or your grandparent or the step parent, what are they doing? If they're getting a different response than you, what are they doing different?

And I study you both all the time. I study you both all the time. Mary, I want to find out, how are you like your mother, the way she would have judged your mother before. Not exactly like her. Tell me, what are some things you thought as a child would be there, but now you see them, and it's almost humorous that you see how important they are within perspective.

Mary Buckeyte
It's like, and this also, this also is a place where when we talk about, like, parenting is really, like, it's, it's about you first. Like, it's, it's not your kid. Like, first you have to do enough work on yourself because, and even if you don't have a child, it's like when Esther Perel spoke at our relationship conference, and she has that kind of famous opening line. Now tell me how. Tell me how you were loved, and I'll show you how you love now, the present day as an adult.

And so we're watching each other's conditioning. Like you mentioned, sage, we have so much conditioning from our parents, caregivers, whoever. That's. It's just eye opening to be like, why do I do that? And then, like, Esther teaches, and she frames it as intimacy, and I mean that as, because, of course, this family dynamic, whatever yours looks like, it's a very intimate experience.

And she simplifies it with, it's like five words that she uses verbs, and it's like, ask. I'm gonna get this wrong, but maybe we could put it on after ask. Take, give, receive, refuse, share, play. I think that's all of them. But even, like, are you giving your child a chance to ask for what they want?

Or are you like, here's some water, here's a snack. Make sure you got your jacket. Like, do you even give them a. Chance to ask and identify their own needs? Even that's what comes out of that, right?

Sage Robbins
Yes. Right. I see how my mom loved me and how I, in turn, smother our daughter exactly the same way. So it's, you know, I come by it honestly. But when you become the awareness I've watched, we see some of the wisdom in the way we were raised that we couldn't have appreciated then.

Tony Robbins
And you also see there are new ways, there are ways to update based on being aware and being conscious. I just want to emphasize what you said, honey, about the, the managing, and I love the term wave. You came up with that, utilizing it with our daughter. It's not, she's being angry, not being sad. She's not being frustrated.

She's having a wave. And you describe that in yourself. Sometimes I'm just having a wave. And the great thing about having a wave is it has a beginning and an end. It's over.

It doesn't last forever. Right. And you know that. It presupposes that. But you also are so good at what mindfulness really is.

Mindfulness is also bringing you back into this moment. All the upset is usually people's fear of losing something they want or losing what they have or not getting what they want. And that's true for children as much as it is for adults. And the way you do that is youll take her outside. Its like, lets take a breath.

Like you said, look at the moon. Its like coming back to this moment is a huge part of that. You both are brilliant at that. I want to bring up the matching of energies because this is the lesson for me, because im so quiet and gentle, and I have a hard time expressing my true emotions. So our daughter is very energetic, as both of you are, but very energetic.

And so when somebody comes to the room, very often she will, she's so talkative and talk of swimming. You never know. She's, like, quiet and she stares, but she really stares into people and she feels them. She doesn't just, she takes in their energy and so forth. And so early on, I had to come in and learn how to just tone my energy down because, like, even clapping, like, I'm around an environment where everybody's clapping, everything's there, it's loud, and everything is like, no, don't clap.

And all these things. So the other day, we had an experience, for example, in my case, and I like to talk about the principle. So we were in the theater room, and we built a fort. I built a fort with her. And she loves to be a, she calls boo.

Monster pillow. Monster. And she likes to boo and surprise. And we're going back and forth, and I'm reaching in and teasing her and surprising her. We're having a blast.

And then we needed to go to the kitchen for something. I don't know what it was. She got off the bed so fast. I was looking all over the place that you go, this room, this room. I looked down the hall, she wasn't there, but she just got there that fast.

So I finally got to the kitchen and she wasn't looking. So I went boo. Behind her, same thing I was doing just a few seconds ago. And I was like, oh, no. The minute I did it, she just froze first.

And then her eyes started to weld up. And then she went around the corner. Left and went over, and her lip began to unfold. Touch her toes. I'm like, oh, my God.

You know, I didn't match her energy. You know, I wasn't conscious of matching her energy. So I went around the corner and I got on my knees down at her level, and I said, honey, I love you so much. Daddy, apologize. I'm so sorry.

I didn't mean to surprise you here. Because children, it's like, that's over. She's in a new context so fast. It's a different energy, so fast. And if you're busy doing what you're doing, you'll have an impact on your child.

Sometimes not even know what it is. So I did have an apology. I want to talk about the importance apology, but one other thing. I talked to our friend doctor Steven Cowan about this, and he said, I said, how could I do that better? Because I'm always wanting to learn.

And he said, what you did was amazing. Most parents do not apologize. He said, that's wonderful. Except the only thing I changed is one thing. He did nothing wrong.

He said, it's okay to apologize, but then come back after she's reset. It won't take long, which I did do. But when I came back, I just ignored it. He goes, come back and you can draw the connection for her. And you can say, honey, we're laughing.

Everything else say, look how great we're feeling. Just a few minutes ago, we were feeling that way. But look, we're already feeling good again. Isn't that amazing? And it teaches her that she can self regulate.

It connects the two. So the next time, it doesn't seem like it's a big deal, but I'd like you to talk about matching energies, both of you. You're both phenomenal at it. And I'd like to talk about apologies, and you're the master of apologies in that area and why that's so important. So for matching energies, it's, once again, it's just awareness as we're entering a space, say, if I'm entering the kitchen, and maybe Mary, you're there with her, and, you know, rather than just which, by the way, I've done both.

Sage Robbins
So when you become conscious, you learn by learning, by being unconscious, because of the information that life offers you or your family offers you. But I can think back to a moment in time where maybe I just entered the kitchen, and I entered quickly, and maybe you guys were at the table, and she's like, mom, no, go away. And so, by the way, there was a lot of that, and so there was a lot of self reflection. I really reflected to take a look at, okay, what may I be contributing to this? And part of that was just maybe going to the kitchen and to go grab making it up, a cup of coffee or to go eat something.

And so I walked in, maybe in a transition from work or something, and I wasn't including this space. I wasn't including. What were they experiencing? What were they already feeling? What were they already experiencing?

And so just for parents that are out there and, you know, if your husband or your wife or your mother or the caregiver or your step parent or whatever, they're in a space and having a moment with your child and you're entering, just be mindful. I really look to. I can't say I count, but I look to have a solid. Maybe 30 seconds. I don't even know how long it is.

Maybe 10 seconds, 20 seconds before I will even speak at this stage to just observe. And truthfully, a lot of times, I'll look now for our daughter to say, hi, mom, rather than me being like, hey, guys, what are you doing? You know, if she's engaged in something, if she's engaged in something and she. Also gets totally engaged where she is, that's one of the great skills. She like, is there completely, and it's a disruption otherwise, no matter who it is.

And it's the same respect that you'd give to an adult if you were in a space and really prepping on something. And I walked in, I might see that and be like, okay, I'll come back. Or I might leave a glass of water there, and I might not even say anything. I might just look to be thoughtful, and I might exit the space until you have a moment to catch your breath. So it's really treating children like you would want to be treated yourself and having an awareness of that which I've been blind and have really tuned myself to be aware of the context, be aware of what are they up to, and then just look to catch a glance that it's, like, high, where there's that intrinsic connection.

And I find that that's less interruptive, therefore less resistance, because there's a dynamic that we can speak about at some point, but it kind of goes into no mom, where there's usually a parent in the family from their own conditioning or maybe from their own nature, where they'll hold a line more naturally. And then maybe a parent that's more flex flow or more playful, you could call it.

And so that. Or maybe it's a dad that works late at night and he comes home, and so he's bringing more of a playful energy, and people even have a label for it. Maybe it's like Disneyland dad or whatever. And so the child will relate to that parent differently. And so there's all these nuances, and by the way, those patterns are a moment in time.

It's not a permanent, fixed reality, because at a different stage, a different phase, it calls out different parts of us, of the parent, and, as well, the child. But it has been such an extra. Being a parent is the most humbling thing I've ever done. It's the most extraordinary. That's the most spiritual growth.

Oh, my word. Like it? Anybody can go meditate and pray. Try when you're ready. Rips your heart wide open, takes you to your knees, breaks your heart into a million pieces in the most beautiful.

And I don't mean break. I mean break open. Yes, break open. Break open. And it's.

And so there's just been. If I really look at it, it's been an incredible amount of self reflection and something else that I really look to do. And I'm just inviting the listeners, if, you know, you're in a relationship or in your family unit, to go and say, hey, is there anything that you noticed? Because a lot of times, you know, somebody else from the outside will see what you don't see. Yes.

And I really have a desire to be the best version of myself, and I certainly don't have all the answers. And so I'll go and I'll say, like, honey, like, what did I miss there? Or, Mary, what am I missing? Please help me. Enlighten me, because I'm feeling stuck or I'm feeling blind, or I don't understand why I'm getting this response and I want to serve for.

I want to serve you. I want to serve you. And so rather than being mad about it, there's another choice. Invite the feedback because that's how we grow. And I have found that to be, by the way, I'm asking all the time.

I'm asking all the time. Hey, any suggestions? What might you see that I'm not seeing? Because I can completely go blind in a moment in time. It's beautiful that when we come together and we discuss these things as a family, like a team, like what's going on, what do we see, what's new?

Tony Robbins
And then having, like, maybe talk about the card of the week, you know, the focus that we have, you know, on something that we're going to improve. So it doesn't overwhelming. You have offered, like, it's also art to, if your partner asks or your co parent or whoever it is asks, like, what am I missing? How you deliver that in a way that they can hear it. And it doesn't feel so critical that I walk away feeling like I'm the worst mother in the world and I'm a terrible person.

Mary Buckeyte
And so we've come up with a way of getting through to each other, I think because this is a unique constellation and so it's. You had this idea that we would have an index card and we just write, like, there's so many things to remember. It feels like in the kid, it's like, then you master it and it works one day and then the next day it's like a different kid because they grew right through that already. So it's like, great, thanks. Thanks.

I'm glad I figured that out right before time expired. But it's like, so with all these things floating around, we've decided, okay, just one thing. One thing this week I could get better at. I need to focus on this one thing. I read it on an index car.

And so, like, for one example, you had offered to me, hey, I noticed, like, you're meeting many of her demands rather than holding the line. And so I might just write on my index card this week. The only thing that I'm really going to try to catch myself and get so present with is am I meeting this two year old's demand for everything that she asked for? And it's like, oh, I hear it. I hear it.

Because that's. It's like, if I just have this one thing, then that's all I can take. Sometimes, you know, with the worlds that we live in a week you get. A new habit and then you feel mastery of it, and then you can another one. And it's not overwhelming.

Tony Robbins
It's like baby steps to some extent, but it's like there's so much folks on this conversation. If you found it helpful, some of these principles and strategies, like I'm. You can see I take notes. I take notes. Like when I was first starting a relationship with you, you remember, you drive you crazy.

That's what that means to you. That's what it means to women. I'm writing it down and stuff, figuring it out, but I've done that here with us as well. We do it together. And I think it's so valuable to be able to continue to find those insights and also have the winds of what can happen when you focus on one thing.

When you try to focus on it all, it can be completely overwhelming. May I just echo that? Just one consideration. I don't even know if it's better. Once again, it's not necessarily about becoming better.

Sage Robbins
It's just this one card. Just bring your awareness to that. Just bring your awareness. Because through awareness, life changes. So it's not even so much like, gosh, I'm doing something bad or I need to become a better parent.

It's just, okay, I'm gonna. You gave me the reversal or not reversal, but the cue card that you offered me was to be more kinesthetic and more physical. And, you know, I had a couple injuries and. Never mind. I had this child at 50.

Hello. I see why people have children in their twenties and thirties. What the heck? You put her in their crib, and I'm going to do my structural exercise. Yeah, what the heck?

And so it's like, you know, be more kinesthetic, more physical. I'm like, oh, okay, great, easy for you. As I'm like, hitting the gym now, lifting more weights to get stronger for her. But it was really great because that's one thing, Mary, that you really do, is like, you'll, you know, you're physical. You pick her up and twirl her around.

And I had to, you know, I have found that space of relating and it's been so beautiful for us. And by the way, when I first did it, she was like, mom, what are you doing? And I'm like, well, great. And so once again, I had to dial it. I had to tune myself.

I had to find that what that felt honest for me. What that felt not over. It didn't feel cellophane because I did that too. You know, like trying to. Sometimes I tried to be more playful, to be more playful like you, Mary, and that felt insincere inside of me.

And yet I'm a very playful person. And so it was finding, it's finding that space inside yourself or, you know, it's like, you know, with your card, Mary, like not meeting the demand, being aware of that. And then, you know, you might meet the odd one. There might be a touch of flexibility to it, but you're aware of it and so you're not meeting everyone. Because if we're meeting the demand, if you think about it, we can't demand anything from life.

It's not like, hey, God, give me this. I'm going to cry and throw a temper tantrum if I don't get it. Life doesn't work that way. Fortunately, there are many kids that have been raised that way. They're not adults, right?

Tony Robbins
And I think this is one of the most important principles of our culture. You know, for several decades, the culture changed and the mindset, it's all about constantly complimenting your kid, give him a trophy for participating and so forth. But Doctor Dweck's work at Stanford has shown why that has not worked. What it does is when you tell somebody they're great and they're beautiful and they're perfect all the time, then eventually they get out in the real world and they find out the rest of the world doesn't agree with that. And when that's true, then all of a sudden they lose confidence.

And those very people are not willing to initiate anything new. And you see kids today, they'll have a hard time even communicating unless it's through text, something they can control. They don't know how to go to a job interview and have it today. I'm not exaggerating. I'm sure you've read some of the articles.

I know we've shared some of them back and forth. So I think it's critical that Dweck's whole thing is reinforcing a child for effort. Because if I keep efforting, if I keep going through, if I keep making progress, I'm going to get to what I want and I'm going to get the skills. And it's a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset. And I think we've done a really good job with our daughter in that area.

But I think it's one of the most important things is not meeting their needs or you crave a little terrorist. And I think most parents is like, they get exhausted and they just give in. And so for, to me, I look at it as dad, and, you know, daddy and father, you know, daddy is more play, do all those things, and father is like, I mean, make tough choices, even when she's not gonna be happy with it. And you said to me, I don't want you doing that just yet, you know, because I don't want, and I understand there's a time for everything. But I've watched both of you, and I really want to compliment you.

You've had more the, what I would call the mom role, where it's, like, holding the line initially, and Mary was more of, like, the playful one for. And as a result, you know, the energy was going in one direction, and that felt difficult for Mary and difficult for you. Unbelievably painful, difficult situation most people never deal with consciously without blaming partners. And none of that happened here. It was difficult, but you push through.

But now there's more mommy in you and mom, and there's more mom in you and mommy. In fact, even so, we usually use mom for you and mommy for you. And I've been confused. I've actually, for the first time, called you mom and called you mommy. And it's a beautiful thing because it's also you, both of you expressing all the parts of you to our daughter, giving her all those parts in a different way.

And it's made everything closer. It's. I just can't thank you enough and compliment you both enough for it. Especially you, my pearl sage, because it was an incredibly difficult situation to be truthful. And isn't that why we come together, is to claim the parts of ourselves that we're not?

That's right. And, yes, I mean, for those of you who are on your path to desiring to become a parent, my own journey was. It was a long journey. There was a lot of miscarriages. And then I was told that I'd never be able to carry.

Sage Robbins
And I was told that it would be, like, less than one in a million chance that we would ever even be able to have a child. And so being here now, it's so different than I ever imagined it would be. It's more beautiful than I ever imagined it would be. And as well, it was revealing of. I don't know.

It's like anything. There's no hiding. There's no hiding inside yourself. There's no placating. It's just this stripped, wide open space of such a level of honest feedback.

And so if our daughter was offering mom, no, you know, whatever I want mommy or whatever that dynamic, what, however that looked or expressed in the moment, I could say, I could look at our daughter, I could look at you. I found it easier to look at myself. And that's really where the whole. Because of that opportunity or that disconnect or that schism, and I'll say inside myself, that's what actually led us on this path. We are having this conversation with you right now.

Because of that resistance, we created the practice of coming together to have team parenting meetings that we get together maybe once every two weeks, maybe once a month, maybe once every six weeks, and we discuss ideas and we discuss what's working, what isn't working, and then we'll utilize those practices. Because a lot of times what I really recognized is if I had a suggestion or a consideration, it's not heard if you wouldn't hear it or you wouldn't hear it. If I was in the moment and feeling my own wave of my stuff being hit, of feeling her resistance with me. So I recognize to have space and time from there, to be able to have a team parenting meeting that we could come together in the name of our daughter. And it's really about us.

It's really about our own awareness. Once again, being a conscious parent, I really believe it begins with parenting ourselves and schooling ourselves and claiming responsibility ourselves and then bringing that awareness and bringing that love to the table. And it's not a blame game. It's not blaming yourself or blaming anybody else. Responsibility is the ability to respond.

Tony Robbins
But you can only do that if you become aware. Yes. And, honey, you've done that so incredibly well, and we're on the other side of it now. It feels like a different world, but it required both of you, on all three of us, to find different parts of ourself to bring to the table and continue to strive. And I don't even know if it's accurate to say we're on the other side of it.

Sage Robbins
It means something different today. Yes. Well, it's all about different. And we have different practices and the practices of the cue card, I have found, I'm curious what you're gonna write to me, but what's so beautiful, what else I recognize is on our journey, whether it's our own spiritual path or parenting, because really it's one and the same. You can read a book and have so many principles, but you know, one thing, just notice.

Be aware of this one thing, because it's one. You know, you talked, Tony, about a two millimeter shift. It is those slight shifts that really shifts that space and that dynamic and quite remarkable. I'd love to talk, though, just as we wrap up about positive intent. Cause in our relationship, meaning all of our relationships between the three of us and also the people that are part of our chosen family business relationships, one of the great gifts we have is we don't question the intent.

Tony Robbins
We know, even if something looks bad on the outside, if somebody's acting stressed or seeming upset or angry or sad or whatever it is, the behind it is a positive intent. They're just trying to do something, and they're not getting where they need to be or what it is. We know we're not trying to ever hurt each other, and that's so important because that's where relationships get destroyed. You can question a lot, but if you question the intent, you pretty much destroy it. Because if someone really does care, really is loving, you question their intent, that's the way that'll really do damage.

But I think we must be able to do with adults, but also with kids, it's different. And so I think maybe we can discuss a little bit about not deciding, you know, what the intent of your child is. Some people think with chips, well, they're just trying to piss me off or harass me. I don't know what parents do. They do a lot of different things.

But no, there's a positive intent behind it. What strikes me about it is, the other day, I was with her teacher, one of her teachers, and she said, we were at lunch, and her teacher said, let me show you a little trick. And she did this thing with her finger and made her finger look like it was disappearing a little bit. And I said, oh, I got a trick, too. And I took my thumb like this, and I put my hand like this, and I went, watch.

And I went like this, like this. And she exploded into tears. And I'm like, oh, no, what happened? Right? And I thought, okay.

I didn't understand why it was okay with her. With her. Well, maybe my energy was too strong or something else else. But the next day, I found out what it was. I was worried that daddy was hurt by that.

She thought I was hurt. It wasn't. The energy wasn't there. So it's like there's another intent. Like you said earlier.

Is she hungry? Is she tired? Is she not out of? Now, there's certain fundamentals that are there, and those are the things you don't even know. They're actually quite beautiful.

So maybe you can address a little bit of intent, and let's come back to apology, because we never completed that file about how important is to apologize and why you're willing to do it. Because people don't do that with adults either, much less for their kids. Well, once again, Mary, I actually feel like this is your superpower, and because you're so in tune with her and you're always. You notice what I don't notice. And you notice if she's having a wave, and you'll often share that or even say, if I come in the room, you know, behind our daughter, you'll be like.

Sage Robbins
Or, you know what I mean? Like, it's like, hey, warning, I want. To set you up to win. Yeah, but what you just said is so profound. And if you're out there and you're in a family, what Mary just said, I want to set you up to win another way.

I call it like an assist, because really, there's the relating, the conscious relating to the child, but the conscious relating in the family constellation is so powerful. And when there is that positive intent to want to set each other up to win, to want to, it's real alignment. It creates alignment. It creates harmony. It creates harmony.

There's less resistance, and it's kind. It's kind. I'm curious how, because you're so thoughtful with that, Mary, how you see positive intent. I see it. I'm not sure.

Mary Buckeyte
Tell me if I'm interpreting this right, but just as. Let me give you an example that I think this falls under. But even again, this goes into a little bit of the power of the language we use around her. Yes.

But also, it's like, rather than saying if she was doing something in her year of the twos, I'm resisting calling it the terrible twos because it wasn't so terrible. But she would have outbursts at times. And rather than the don't do that or stop that, then the positive intent, which I actually think she really resonates with, is like, I would say, like, okay, hey, show me kind. Instead of don't hit show me kind and gentle. And she wants.

That matches her intent, that matches her. Business, what she really wants. And it's like she could be, like, wailing away at something, and it's like, hey, hey, just show me kind and gentle. And all of a sudden it's like, oh. I was like, okay, that works.

Tony Robbins
Yes. It aligns with her true nature as opposed to the wave that she's experiencing. Yeah. It's like understanding that the emotion of the moment is not who the person is. I think one of the challenges we have in our society today is no one's allowed to even grow.

They could have written something 20 years ago in a tweet, and then we're going to beat them up for the rest of their life. There's. What's the proper term they talk about in religion? Not what's the word I'm looking for there? Redemption.

Yeah, redemption. The person improves and they redeem themselves and everything else. And so we don't even give our kids sometimes a chance to redeem themselves. We've already judged and jury that they had this bad intent as opposed to, no, they're experiencing a wave. Underneath.

That wave is still that pure intent. And if we can align with that, it's like magic. She changes so quickly when you see that. I see that with other kids, when we do it with other kids, too, like her friends around them, giving them a sense of positive intent about why they're doing what they're doing, as opposed to, why are you doing that? Or you shouldn't do that, or whatever the case may be.

It's a beautiful piece, but Bunny pro, you really, you do this with adults, you do it with our family, and you do it with her, and that is you apologize. Tell me about your philosophy about apologizing. Well, it's selfish, and it's selfish because it clears the space of resistance with inside myself. And I feel it creates alignment, it realigns, creates unbound energy for myself. If maybe I was bound in a circumstance and I felt like I missed or I did something that maybe wasn't my most conscious self or I created friction in some way, and then there's just the practical thing, you know, I've tripped her many times.

Sage Robbins
I've dropped her in the pool, I've banged, I've head butted her. I mean, many things. I can't tell you the amount of, like, it's quite remarkable. Or, you know, sometimes maybe I. Something that she's really schooled me by is that, you know, allowing our children to flower at their pace, in cadence.

And so I remember when she was learning how to swim and she was learning how to float on her back, and I was like, she did it once, and so was like, hey, let's do it. And so, you know, I was helping her get in position, but I moved like my, you know, I was just moving quickly. I was moving quickly at a pace, and she put her head back and got a ton of water. And so, you know, she was crying hysterically. And after she got out and we caught our breath and we went in the kitchen and I said, honey, I said, I want you to know mom's sorry.

I learned in that moment, and I recognized that mom was too fast. Next time, I'll slow down because I also wanted her to know that she could feel safe with me again to do that. And, you know, for some reason that a lot of times can be absent in the space with us as parenting. And I have just found it to be so beautiful and our daughter is so conscientious and. But she also apologizes because she messaged me.

She does. She does. She'll say, dad, I'm sorry, but I think those are magical words that are missing in our culture. It's missing on airplanes. It's missing in lines.

Tony Robbins
Somewhere in our culture, since COVID we've lost. I'm sorry or I love you. I missed. I was a miss. Please forgive me.

Thank you. We've missed that component. But it's alive in her because it's alive in us. And I think that's a great gift for her because we all are going to make mistakes. I mean, the word sin means miss.

That's the original translation of it. You miss this. So it's like, okay, we don't have to make it heavy. It's just miss this. So I'm sorry.

You clean up right away. It doesn't become something really big or, say, if we're at the dinner table and maybe Mary's feeding her and I sit down. So one of the things that we recognized as well, so that we don't step on each other, is there's a captain and there's a co captain at any point in time, or there's the person who's driving. So if you're driving, I'm mindful. If our daughter's having a behavior, not to mention something, I create the space for you to be able to have that conversation.

Sage Robbins
And sometimes I do. I interject, and so I'll apologize to you, or I'll apologize to you. It just clears the energy and it brings self awareness. And then there isn't that resistance, which that resistance builds to a resentment. It creates a space of harmony and unbound, and it's just kind.

It's considerate. I agree. You mentioned we have a lady that's an early childhood educator and just a really brilliant mind who's been a part of our team parenting meetings. And I'm only sharing this because whether it's a teacher, whether it's, you know, just everybody brings different gifts. We've all learned so much from her.

And she shared a couple of brilliant articles. Mary, you had mentioned one that really struck you. You did. I think I know the one. The cuteness.

Yes. There's been a couple of things that have been like, it's like we don't see ourselves in our blind spots as people, as parents, whatever it may be. And this one she recommended, and you mentioned Magna Gerber's name earlier. So I think it's in that kind of school of thought of respectful parenting. And there was this one article that was, if memory serves, it was called cuteness syndrome.

Mary Buckeyte
I think it's by a man named John Holt, I believe was his name. So it's like an. He wrote a book, but this was like a little magazine article or something. And to summarize it, it was like, kids are so cute, their babies are irresistibly cute, that we kind of use them as love objects. We can do anything we want and go up to them, people, just like you see now, I feel so protective as a parent, when it's your child, you're just watching people descend on her.

And as an energetic myself, it's like, that would freak me out. Imagine you're just this tiny little, you know, ten pound baby. And so the article went on to say, like, oftentimes it's about our needs and our wants, and there's no such thing as too much affection in our own eyes. But really, it's like we have to give space for that child if they're in a flow. In the same way, like you mentioned, if Tony is working on something and he's visibly in state, yes.

We're not gonna be like, hey, Tony, you wanna play pickleball there? It's like, no. Like, let him be. I'm a total pain in the ass at times, if I'm honest. I love it.

We all can be. I own it. We all can be. I love every bit of it. But, you know, it's like, if you think about that also, I think that brings one other thing.

Tony Robbins
I want to bring forward our family, which is our daughter. You know, there's a lot of people who come through because our home is our home, but we have meetings with important people and, well, every moment, someone. There's so many people going by, there's somebody gushing on her, gushing on her body. Probably really want to acknowledge you because, you know, the first one who really brought that up and made sure we held the line on it, which is she's constantly, every moment. Oh, maybe you can talk about that.

But, like, when I come into the room. Now it's like, even for myself, same thing about where's the energy? I look. And when I open the door, if she doesn't turn and look, even when she does, I go greet you, and I greet you, and then I greet her so she doesn't think she's the most important thing, even though I adore her and love her and she feels totally loved. It's like if you're always the first thing, that's how you create an adult who thinks they're supposed to be the center of every moment's attention.

And that makes a miserable adult because that's not real life. And you're not going to have a lasting relationship when it's all about me, me, me. So would you address that a little bit and just share a little bit? Yeah, I think it started. I can't thank you enough for sharing about that cuteness factor because I feel like it ties into it, Mary.

It does. And, you know, when our daughter was probably about six months, I really recognized, just like, this home. It's our home, it's our workspace, it's our studio, it's our, you know, so it's a high traffic area. And what I really recognize is everybody that saw our daughter was like, you know, you're so cute, you're so beautiful. But then you turn one corner and you have that there, and you turn another corner and you experience that there.

Sage Robbins
And because, you know, just your heart could be a little girl, little boy, they're so stinking cute. And, you know, the attention goes there. So I recognize, I was like, gosh, there's a hierarchy of respect. There's a reason why it is in our nature to respect our elders. That's been a lost art in our society.

You know, growing up, I mean, Mary, you and I have spoken about this many times. It was always mister and misses, you know, mister and misses so and so if they're coming or a teacher. And we've gotten so familiar in our society. And so we had a conversation, we had a team parenting meeting, and I really recognized. I was like, guys, look, we need to start with the adult.

So it's hello, miss, you know, Miss Maria, whomever it might be, or hello, mommy, hello, daddy. And then greeting our child. And that just creates a balance and creates a space, just that breath of space there. And also, I feel, just reflects real life. You don't go out on the street and the whole world stops to see you.

That's not real life. And so it's keeping an anchor and a groundedness and a humbleness of one's nature. Yes. So I want her to have authentic interactions as well. And so if every interaction that she's experiencing, especially in this formative stage, is like a tickle and a high and a this and that, and everybody's voice is up here, it's like that translates to her and that becomes her as she grows on.

Mary Buckeyte
And it's like, I want her to feel just like that she can just exist in that authentic emotion, whatever that may be. Instead of pleaser is born the pleaser form. Exactly. Yes.

Tony Robbins
If your favorite person in the world comes in and you go, oh, hi, it's great to see you, that's wonderful. But if you come back in three minutes, hey, it's really great to see you. It's great to see you. Every time it becomes a little weird and fake, but then also, in her mind, if that isn't happening, then, well, what's wrong with me? How come people aren't responding me to that way?

And I think that's a big part of our world today. From helicopter parenting became the gross metaphor for it, of overstimulation, over controlling, over directing, no autonomy. The child, and the child's looking to you to solve everything. And now maybe it's totally for the government to solve everything because that's how they've been raised. So to wrap up, I think we've covered a lot of principles we talked out.

Start in the beginning here about just this whole idea of what is this conscious parenting as opposed to stress based fear parenting, this awareness, this conscious, that's as you said, sage, the awareness that can change anything, and beginning to see the patterns being, seeing what's real and really having the outcome of knowing you want to raise a beautiful human being. We talked a little bit about the idea that you can start creating that if you already have a child, you can still decide who they need to become, not what they do for a living, not that kind of controlling thing. What are the qualities that whatever they choose to do will create a great quality of life? And I think that's homework for all of us to constantly enhance. Um, we talked a little bit here, you know, about the importance of your state being the basis of it all.

So im just trying to give you a recap of the things because weve covered so much there. Im looking at my own notes here. We talked about the power of language and choices. Not creating language that makes fear, but language, again, that creates the awareness, the idea of not be careful all the time, but rather be mindful. We talked a little bit here about overstimulation and what that creates and teaching your child to be able to experience life as opposed to judging right, wrong, every single moment.

And we've covered a lot of areas. How to deal with waves of emotion, apologies, positive intent, learning to hold the line. So it's all a dance. But I think the most important one I want to bring back to everyone listening is we have enormous compassion. I'll speak for myself, but I know we all have it for all of you out there that are parents that give your souls to these children and children who become adults almost never fully, can ever fully appreciate all that you've gone through just to have them be born.

If you're the mother, come through your body, all the things that the all night long thoughts and feelings and emotions that you have, and if you're stressed and you got so much going on in your life, we get it. And we aren't pretending in this one little, you know, conversation that we can solve all that. But what I hope you got from this is there's some principles worth looking at. Like to create a checklist. You may not agree with all of them, but out of these things we talked about, what are some of these things you'd say, like, this might be our card for the week.

We're going to focus on, you know, noticing here positive intent, or we're going to really work on giving choices for everything. One or two choices. The choices, either one are going to be good or choices with consequences, not heavy duty ones. What can you do to chunk this down? Because we don't have a course for this.

We'll eventually build one, but hopefully this conversation is helpful to you. This is not, you know, a trip is something that's predictable. You know what's going to happen, how it's going to happen. That's why trips are boring. A journey is an adventure.

You're being called to an adventure when it's a child. You've been called to discover things you never discovered in yourself, much less your child. You're going to meet different people that could be mentors. You're going to face the dragons and eventually conquer all that. So I just love to finish this up by saying it's my pro that sometimes you call it the dance.

It's like there's a dance to get this job done. What do you have to say about the journey of being a mom and being a parent? And is there anything else that we've not touched that either one of you want to share here, to wrap up.

Sage Robbins
Oh, gosh.

It is a journey and a dance as life is. And it's an opportunity to grow. It's an opportunity to reflect love. It's an opportunity to hold space for these beautiful beings, these beautiful children that we are blessed with. It is a privilege to usher a child through existence and to recognize, as well that we're not the center of attention.

They do not. We're simply a puzzle piece, you know? And I. For myself, I. It's been.

I don't know. I always see our daughter walking this way. Every picture that really, actually, I find most profound. She's walking away from me and I feel. Cause she's secure.

Yes. And it's just like she's going to live her life. And we have the privilege to co create with this existence, to bring them into this world, and we have the privilege to create safety, you know, to create support and to love them. And, you know, that doesn't mean that we're going to do it perfectly. It doesn't mean you're going to be conscious every moment.

I'm not conscious every moment, but it does mean that there is a dance between you and your child, between you and your family members that offers us an opportunity to reflect, to grow, to evolve, to become our truest nature. And I really believe that that's why we're here. And, you know, if I think of my life before our daughter, I used to wonder, how is. And I just say this for parents who are maybe contemplating having a child, you know, how is this going to happen? Where is she going to fit in this really busy life?

And now I look at our life and I'm like, oh, my gosh, I can't imagine our life without her. And there's just that centric, you know? And yet tonight, she had a whole life without us. And I love that for her. She came home dressed in, like, this fairy dress and had a thing of chapstick and, you know, living her life.

And I'm just. And I'm so touched that she wanted to share her world with me in that moment. And that's a privilege. And so I don't know if that answered your question, tone. That's it.

Mary Buckeyte
I'm so glad. You. You. That's. That's it.

That's the. That's the outcome, really. It's like, it's not. We're not trying to raise obedient child. It's like we're trying to raise a child that grows up and goes out into the world and can figure things out for themselves and I'm.

It makes me emotional to think of like those pictures of her looking out and you know, they're not. When we're like, they're not selfies of us or something, it's like her going out to do something or her looking out a window and you feel just the revving engine of this little being. Like, I want to go do this. And that's our job as parents, to just love her up and get her ready to go do it and watch her go do it. I agree.

I can't wait to watch her go do it. Well, we already are. We're watching her. Like sometimes I'll like not to be a creeper, but I'll. If she's out side with her friend and I'll peek out the window and just.

Sage Robbins
I don't know. I mean, I feel joy. I can witness your happiness. I can witness your happiness. I can hear you guys laughing or anybody.

My mom and my dad. I don't have to be a part of that. And I definitely find that to be true being a parent. And I'm just so happy for her happiness. I'm so happy for her life, I'm so happy for her growth.

It just to see her life living through her is the most extraordinary thing. And I couldn't imagine my life any other way. So there's no greater gift than to have the privilege of helping a soul in its development at this stage of life. And then to see that soul mature and grow and master life and become a force for good and force for God. A beautiful source.

Tony Robbins
I'm so deeply grateful. It's Mother's Day, so maybe this is a great way to celebrate, is to think about whoever was a mother to you. Not always your physical mother, not always your physical mother. Sometimes it was somebody else, but somebody else who loved you so much or saw what was in you so much and truthfully sacrificed so much for you to be there. So I'm grateful to my mom who since passed, I'm grateful to both that you're amazing moms.

Yours who just recently passed and yours who's still with us. And I'm grateful for the fathers that we had as well. It takes it all. But if you're at home, I hope you'll leave this message with a feeling of being loved for who you are, for taking, if you decide to take this jump or you already have. Just realizing.

I hear some people say, I'm just a mom, I'm just a dad. And I think, what on earth could be more important. So maybe on this day I acknowledge the goodness of what you've given to your child because you only build on success. Maybe come up with some principles of the next level or if you're not having one, what you're hoping to do in the future. And if you don't have a child, I doubt you're still listening.

But if you were, I'm very touched by that and I hope maybe you'll make a call to a mother in your life or a woman in your life who a being in your life that played that role and thank them from the heart and from the soul because these are the moments that matter most. So blessings to all of you. Thanks, ladies. That was gorgeous. Thank you Tone.

Love being with you sharing. Thank you mayor. Thank you Tone.

Mary Buckeyte
The Tony Robbins podcast is inspired and directed by Tony Robbins and his teachings produced by US Team Tony. Copyright Robbins Research International.