#2169 - Protect Our Parks 12

A
Joe Rogan podcast. Check it out. The Joe Rogan experience. Train by day. Joe Rogan podcast by night.

B
All day.

Hey.

C
What the hell was that noise? We're up, we're up and rolling. Hey, welcome to morning radio. Norman's over there stogying it up. Let's go.

B
Um, there's a terror alert. What do you mean? Really? Yeah, yeah. Did I send it to you, Jamie?

I didn't. Right. Where?

Well, the subs are outside of Miami. That's real. But then there's another thing. Cuban subs, russian subs. Yes.

Yeah, there's a russian nuclear sub outside of Miami. Like outside of Cuba. So it's like 25 miles from Miami. There's a russian sub. Ay.

Yeah. CIA chief warns of possible terror attack. They brought the draft back. You heard. I'm gonna send this to you, Jamie.

What? Yeah, they brought the draft back. Drafts back, baby. Well, I think draft kings, I don't think expansion draft. I think you always had to register for the draft.

Backdraft. I think it was a thing just in case. Just selective service. Yeah, selective service. I don't really think much has changed, has it?

Backdraft us faces serious threat of terror attack. Fun. Great, guys, just in time for the election. This season is the best. This season has me riveted.

I don't understand who's writing this. How are they killing off good guys? Like, what is going on? This season of the world is amazing. The world.

A
There's so many. So many made up things clearly right now. The Holocaust. The Holocaust? Yeah, I'm just hearing about that.

B
Covid, flat earth. Well, there's Ukraine, there's Gaza, space, apparently Congo. Something's happening. What's going on in the Congo? Oh, the Uyghurs.

A
No, that's China. Oh, shit. Yeah, there's some drawing. I'm keeping a tally last. I was so rough with the puking.

C
I'm keeping it tally of my drinks. That's smart.

B
He's got a ledger. Norman went up first at the mothership that night, and he was obliterated. You repeated jokes like three or four. Four times. But the audience knew.

The audience knew what was going on. They caught on. I was so happy that I was like five people after you. So I got to sober up. Oh, yeah, I was.

And even then I was like, jesus Christ, I am way too drunk to be on stage. That was. I thought I was killing, but they were laughing at me. You were doing. You were doing.

A
No, no, you started set up. They were like, wait, is this another?

B
But you delivered it great. You had a great set. It was funny. We were watching and laughing. We were laughing.

No, no, no. We were laughing because we knew how hammered you were. But you were killing. Yeah, you were still hammered. It was not bad also.

It was a great show. We were hammered. We were obliterated. We were also. We were right there with you.

Yeah, every. We all drank too much. Yeah, but what a fun show. That was a fun day. What a fucking fun night.

A
It was Shane going, I was on after Shane or whatever, and he goes, I found Mark. And I'm like, where? He just goes to a back hallway and clicks a light on. And it's just. He was in the darkness.

Blair witch. When they turned the corner, he was just there then. Light off, bro. You were just feet away from your puke, sleeping behind. Right behind the stage.

D
It's actually pretty cool. A drunk Anne Frank. Yes. I could hear you from the stage, snoring. Oh, no, shut up.

B
I mean, if you snored, they could hear you. I heard you laugh. He laid in it while I was on stage. Why did you two fucking mumbling back there? Yeah, I was like, are you guys hammered?

C
A little. Oh, you guys were in the back. Having a conversation right behind the curtain. Kicked them out. We were riffing on what people were saying.

A
So we're listening. Yeah, we had to prepare. Dude, I was at that show. We sure didn't fake professionals. It was crazy.

B
That was the worst. With the store, with the hallway in the original room. The worst. You would be out there and you'd be having fun conversations. You wouldn't even realize you're a part of it.

You're too loud, and then you're a comic, and all the comics are too loud. And when you're on stage, like, you fucking guys are so loud. You're doing it too. Everyone's doing it. You know, it's bad when the guy on stage is like, guys, shut up.

It happens all the time too. It's that transition between that festive back corridor parking lot area. It's a hangout area. The parking lot is always where everybody gets out of their car. What's up?

I was just in Cleveland talking shit, having fun. And then you go right into the hallway and you forget. I feel so bad for the door guys. Cause they're like, they're like, hey, you've cleared this. And he's like, these are all guys I look up to.

C
I know. You have to tell them to go outside. Nobody listens. Nobody listens to the door guys. It takes a manager to go over.

A
I know they'll say, you guys gotta leave, and all the regulars will go. I know, right? They do. Yeah. Everybody should get the fuck outta here.

C
Does that system work? I feel like there's like a Mark Maron or a Kinison and they're like. They were door guys. This is a legitimate way to get up. But I'm like, I've seen you work the door for six years now.

B
Oh, listen, it can work for some people who work for Ari. Me, Bobby Lee, Hench, Cliff, Tony. All right. I take it all back. Not as easy.

I mean, the whole thing is like, not everybody's gonna do it. You know, everybody that starts out essentially, if you're an open mic or you're probably doing comedy a couple years, how many of those guys from like two years in are still in the business that you started with? Mostly gone. Mostly gone. So that's gonna be the same thing.

D
When you see him. It's got you started there. Dead. My guy, you go, I go, I'll go. I'll go back to Philly and see a guy.

Shit, dude. Yeah. Happier. They're always happy. They're always happier.

A
But you feel bad for them. No, I meant the guys that are still doing it. Guys that quit. The guys. A lot of them are happy.

B
Really? Well, they have. They're not getting beat up. Bombing. Yeah.

D
Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Some of those guys, they just bomb forever.

B
So if you look at a guy who's a door guy, it's a guy who's there is in that spot, you know, that you're just. Or door gal. They don't talk. They don't call him door gals do. They're also door guys.

C
Whores. That's gross. That's rude. That's misgendering. Or gal.

A
But they also called them when they started doing male waitresses. They call them male waitresses. That's actually funny. That's funny. But that's okay.

B
You call me a male waitress. Male stewardess. That's a stress test, too, because if you get mad someone calls you a male waitress, you're kind of a bitch. Like we care what they fucking call you. I would be pissed if somebody called me a fucking male waitress.

A
They only had females for the longest time and then they were like, we could have a dude waiter. And people. When did they have a dude waiter? I don't remember any dude waiters. They have them now.

B
They do now. Yeah, but Mitzi was like, the holtzman said that at a funeral once. He was like, I don't like this. They're supposed to only be female, and they're supposed to fuck the up and comers.

When you think about, like, how many comics you started out with that are actually doing it today, like, from open mic, I think I know three. You remember the ones that are still in more than the ones that quit? Oh, they. Burr Fitzsimmons. I didn't know Burr until later.

Burr started like, a year or two after me, and I knew Fitzsimmons and I started the same time. We started like, a week apart from each other. Damn. The same club. And he quit?

Nah, he's great funny guy, Chris McGuire. But he doesn't really do comedy anymore, although he was very funny. He just mostly does tv projects and shit now. He was involved in that snoop Dogg Martha Stewart show. He wrote jokes for that really great joke writer.

Yo, Chris is a great joke writer. He's a funny dude. But so he's like, me, Dane. Dane was around back then, and, like, who else? How is he at open mics?

D
Was he killing? You know, honestly, I gotta say, I saw Dane when he was past open mic for the first time. The first time I saw them, I used to do this. There's a place called Dick Doherty's comedy hut. Dick Doherty was this, like, legendary biker slash comedian guy.

B
Legendary Boston guy names these things. He was a character. He was a fun, fun guy. Like, but he gave me a lot of work. Like, I love.

I love that guy because, like, when I was just starting out, he would send you out to the middle of fucking nowhere to some weird bar gig. But, you know, you made money. And so I did the comedy hut when Dane was with Al and the Monkees. Easy. What was that?

That was the show. It was a comedy show. It was? Yeah, it was like a band. Bobby Kelly, he was one of the monkeys.

Dane Cook and Al del Bene, it. Was a sketch group. Yep. They would do sketches, and then they would each do, like, five minutes of comedy. Holy shit.

C
Is that Bobby on the right? That's Bobby. That's hot Bobby. Who's on the left? Holy shit.

A
Jesus. Yeah, so this was, you know, 1990. It says two. Is that what it says there? That's crazy.

B
92. So I think I met him in 90. 90. 91. Oh, my God, that's BCN.

WBCN comedy riot winners. I mean, it was like the comedy Riot was the big thing back in the day. The BCN comedy riot. Like, if you won the comedy Riot, you were the fucking man. They thought that was their future.

A
They took a picture for this. Oh, yeah. Who is Al's? I don't even know what Al's doing these days. I know he was.

Australia, maybe. I think maybe al Qaeda. Al del Bene. Yeah, he lives in Australia, I think. I think he married an australian lady, and I think they moved up there.

B
So when I met them, that's what they were doing. They were all together. They weren't, like, doing standup separately yet, and then they sort of gave up on that and started doing standup separately. Damn, you had to make it work back then. But that was a couple.

Yeah. Now living in Sydney, Australia. Boom. So fuck's not wrong. You nailed it.

C
You were just there. So I guess he's still out there working, but. So I know those guys, but that's a couple years after open mic for me, it was like, you know, nine. This episode is brought to you by UFC 303 on ESPN. Plus, don't miss UFC 303, international fight Week's main event, with Alex Powhatan Pejeda defending his light heavyweight title against Yuri the last Samurai prohoska.

B
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I started in 88, so there was, like, only, like, four or five guys left. Who do you guys still have around from open mics? Yes. Most of my friends. Sean Patton.

C
But doesn't it feel like those gigs, you had to go out and do some weird, you know, nights of Columbus bullshit, or you had to do. Those were, like, the best. Those were the best. But people aren't doing those anymore. And then they just put a clip on TikTok, so I don't feel like they're learning that muscle of, like, I gotta win these mooks over the rocks?

B
I think some people are still doing it. And also, is that a good muscle to have? Yeah, I think so. Do a VFW? Yeah, just to get them.

A
You learn how to get. A crowd's not there for you. It's good to know what that is. Yes. You know, like, it's not.

B
This magic doesn't work in every setting. Yeah. Like, you need certain settings. You need a microphone. You know, you can't have no microphone.

You need a compliant audience if you have to do a corporate gig and people are in the middle of talking, and they go, and now, here's a comedian, and you go on stage. You're gonna eat dick. I just did that. Did I tell you that? Oh, that Texas.

D
Oh, yeah, that Texas thing. Bad? It was as bad. It was the worst. I've never had words.

If you were there, I would've. Fucking Rogan, Texas. I was sitting in my house and I got a text. Rogan was like, I'm going to that. I was like, fuck.

C
Just to watch. Go to this just to be fun. It was for Texas. It was like fundraising for football. And they asked me to do it.

D
I said no. Then they finally. They got me. They got me one. I was like, fine, I'll do it.

C
And the money's great. Free. Oh, it's not great at all. I did it for field passes. All right, all right, that's good.

D
And also, I'm friends with those people. It was fine. But Tony came. Yeah, I was like, I'm bringing Tony on stage cuz I'm gonna die. I.

Dude, I went first. It was on the field. It was in, it was in, it was in a concert stage because Brooks and Dunn was the concert after 500, 600. But it was like a wedding. They were on the field.

C
That's the way it was. Just round tables, dude. I went on, it was sunny out. It was in the football stadium. 600 people at a football.

B
Now I wish I got there round. It was like a wedding. And I got on stage every filming, standing. I bailed. I tried to do, I tried to do a trumpet.

D
I was like, this isn't working. You guys want to hear a Trump impression?

I did, like one word and I was like, what the fuck am I doing? I'm sorry.

B
In the beginning, those, those in the beginning days of comedy, I think those gigs, they test you well. You don't know about how much you. Really want to do this football fear. You got Hamlin where he died out there. It was.

D
It was bad. That's rough. Settings are always. And then before we go on, I was like, I'm gonna bring Tony on. And then the guy who was running it, like, freaked out.

He was like, oh, shit. He just saw the roast. So he was like, this guy can't go up there. Yeah, he's gonna, he's like, there's kids here. There's fucking kids here.

A
Comic. There's literally kids running around in front of the stage and off there. Like, people who don't understand comedy think it's like carpentry. Can you hang this shelf right? Come here.

B
Tell jokes. Do a joke about this when you're up there. Do it 100 degrees in front of the richest people in Texas. Yeah. They picture everyone just laughing and having a good time.

C
But no, you gotta listen to me do a bit about fingering. Yeah, literally, they'll fucking laugh to get sucked up by the grass. No one laughed, of course. I mean, I think I saw people laughing. I saw some people laughing.

D
I would have been howling. You would have been howling. You would have. Just a comedian section in the way. Way top in a box seat on the floor.

C
That is a beautiful moment, watching a friend bomb hard. Only a friend that you know is funny. Yeah. Like, if someone bombs and they bomb all the time, it's pathetic. There's a specific laugh where it goes, set up punchline, then a pause, quick pause.

A
The audience should laugh. Then a half second after when they don't, it's the two comics in the back. Yeah, crazy dick. Oh.

D
And I'm like, look, dude, I know I'm bombing, dude. Shut the fuck up. Get out of here. Oh, he's got the dry mouth. Isn't it funny how sometimes, like, you go on stage, it's almost like you enter into a wrong cadence or wrong.

B
Just a wrong thought process, a wrong rhythm. And then, like, you're like, I gotta get out of this. How do I get out of this and get normal? Talk like this. How did I get stuck?

How did I get stuck? Stuck saying things in this order. Actually, that show I just watched, season one of eastbound down again. And I was literally just talking like Kenny Powers. Oh, yeah.

D
He's like, good to see you. Motherfuckers made it out tonight. I was just like, this is how I talk. Oh, my God, there were kids out there. There were kids.

And then I brought Tony on stage and we did, like, tame roast jokes. Like, Vince Young was there. I was like, Vince Young? I heard it's your birthday today. You're 41.

More like Vince old. Hey, that's not bad. Can I use that? Oh, my God. Sitting in the front, like, all right, don't fuck, man.

C
The rhythm thing. But you know what else is weird? You make some weird choice out of the gate. You're like, I'm gonna fuck with this guy, right first. And it just derails your whole set.

Why didn't I just do my act? Why did I bring him up? It's choices, like. And sometimes they go sideways and sometimes they don't. But if you don't follow them, you'll never get those tags.

B
You never get that. Like that new branch that comes off a bit. Follow the field. It's funny. Yeah.

It just. Sometimes it doesn't work. Sometimes you get a warning. The MC's on. I got off.

A
You're about to go. I'm like, oh, there's a lady on the side. She wants it to be all about her. Like, don't. And then.

And then you'll. For a second, and you ask, like, what's your problem? Like, fuck. I unleashed her. I got the warning.

D
They get you. They're always gonna get you. Just waiting to be called on. God, there's so many needy people out there. Yeah.

B
See a show, they want to be needy. I've met dudes. I've met needy dudes who want to talk to you while you're on stage. Why are you doing that?

D
Yes, I did a. I did a show. It was a. It was like a hockey arena show. And this drunk guy.

Did I tell this last? I think it was possibly. I was black. This guy snuck behind the screen. So he was just sitting by himself up in the balcony or like a.

No one was allowed to sit there. He just was sitting by himself. And I heard him the entire show. Like, anybody would only talk when I was talking. I would start talking.

He'd be like, Shane. Oh, no. And I was on stage like, what is it? It was like trying to find a fucking cricket in your house, right? The second you stop, it stops me.

Like. And then finally he was like, shane. I looked over, I was like, oh, he's up there. And he was like, hey, I love you. He's doing that.

I was like, oh, there he is. Fucking kick him out. We see hecklers at the vulcan. That would lean over the balcony and you couldn't even see them. Yeah.

B
Spotlights are in your face. Who's up there? What are you talking? Yeah, like, people above you yelling things down at you. Fuck, yeah.

D
When it's. While you're talking. Yes. I swear to God, I hear something and it's a fucking arena. No one else hears it.

C
That's brilliant. So I'm just on stage, like, in between jokes, looking around. They're like, God damn, this guy's. Some people, they shouldn't go to a comedy show. No, they just like, this should be a test.

D
They took that guy, put him straight in a cop car. He drove by himself. They were like, all right. You can't drive. A security guard grabbed him.

His shoes fell off. Oh, my God. I was like, all right. This guy, it is cool. I did say.

I was like, this guy does actually rule. His shoes. His shoes fell off right away. He wasn't saying anything bad. He just snuck behind the stage.

It was going, I love you. What a nut, dude. He was having fun. It's so hard to explain to a positive person that they're ruining everything. I know.

B
Yes. Right. Especially one with a 70 iq. I did Philly last week, and I had the lady who had the crazy laugh. So she's nice.

C
She's loving the show. She's like.

And you're like, you gotta go. You're ruining everything. She's like, I'm laughing. I'm like, oh, you kicked her out? I had to.

It was too much. She ruined the opener's whole set. Yeah. So then when I went on, she's laughing in the middle of setups where you need, like, a pause. And we had to get her out of there.

It was too much. Was she a crazy person? Yeah. She was begging about her. She knew what she was doing.

D
She was doing it on purpose? I think so. It was way over the top. It was like the joker. Yeah.

B
Like almost like a prank, kind of, yeah. Or she just wanted you to know she was laughing, so she went harder. It was like fake orgasm chick, where you're like, hey, hey, this is not real. I have six inches of thin steel here. Come on.

D
Six inches. Five and a half.

C
A lot of ain did a corporate gig in Toronto. It was the best setup ever. Did I tell this? No, but I know this. All right.

Restaurant. I told you. This Super bowl thing. Yeah. It's the same guy.

No way. Yeah. All right, go. Sorry. Well, it was just a hell gig.

Of all hell gigs. It was all these rich millionaire guys. And the guy goes, I'm a huge fan. You got to do this bit. Do that bit.

I'm like, this is a lock. He's telling me what bits to do. I'm in. So I open up with all the bits, and they're all bombing. You know, it's corporate.

Had the, like, the Fisher price mic, you know, that whole thing. And then I'm bombing, and the guy's sitting in the front row going, what are you doing? What are you doing? This is like your special. I saw.

I'm doing the bits. They're not laughing. I don't know what else to do. So I bomb for a full hour. What are you doing?

A
That's not helping. I did. What are you doing? Same job. Just trying to encourage you, coach.

C
Oh, wow. Yeah, it's a rough shit. Brought me into a dinner, and it was in front of just NFL hall of famers at a steak dinner tape. Like a dinner? Yeah.

D
And he was like, all right, stand up. That was it. The first time, you know, it was like, I can't. I'm not doing it. Yeah.

And he was like. He was cool about. He was like, okay. He was. I realized he really wanted me to do stand up, so I was like.

A
Come to a show later. I'll talk about down syndrome in front of fucking Jerry Rice.

B
Come do a show. Yeah, come to a show. Fuck this. It's nonsense. I had one good corporate.

A
It was for the border patrol. Oh, really? They saw me in La Jolla, in San Diego, at a club, and he's like, yeah, like, do that stuff. I'm like, okay. But corporate.

Sorry. Goes, they're pieces of shit. Do whatever you want. And I was like, okay, great. And they really were.

C
Cops are great crowds. Yeah. Well, we did that show last year. They were awesome. It was awesome.

B
Yeah. Two shows. Yeah, it's like, comedy should be in a fucking comedy club. And it probably should be more than five minutes, too. That's when I never did one of those late night shows.

Like, it was like, that just doesn't seem like, you know, I just can't get cooking in five minutes. Yeah. You know, I need some time. And I also was like, I don't want to water anything down. I don't want to do it.

A
It goes with a style. Yeah. Specific style for it. It's. Yeah.

B
If you're like a setup punch, joke writer guy, it's great. But I wonder today if it's even worth doing. It was certainly worth doing, like, when you guys were doing it. Not at all. But today it seems like, to develop, like, a solid five minutes and do it on one of those shows.

A
No one's gonna say, yeah, I got Sam. We were all hanging out. Me, him and Sam were hanging out in the cellar, and he said he got an offer for a cordon or something like that. And he was like, they're not paying, and then I gotta fly myself there. Also.

B
You're doing stand up? Just stand up show. Yeah. He goes, I can just get this views on my own. Yeah.

A
Like tonight, right now. One tick tock. Yeah, yeah. It's a weird situation now where that thing has just evaporated in front of our face. Yeah.

C
And then they. I'm doing the Tonight show soon, but the guy's like, hey, we'd love to have you. And I'm like, all right, great. Here's the set. He's like, ooh, can you change this and that?

I'm like, well, why would I do. It now you guys gotta, like, you gotta change with the times. Bend a little. I had to fight for Boner. I got Boner on.

B
Oh, that was a fight. No, Boner fight. What's funny? Before the Internet, Boner was a no go. Great video game.

Boner was never happening before the Internet. It's a funny word, though. Yeah. Erection. Bonus on growing pain.

A
Yeah. Interesting. I don't think they meant that same thing. Washed up dead. When did Boner become a hard, washed up dead?

In the shores of Vancouver. Really? Boner pull it up. What do you mean? Yeah.

B
What are you saying? He washed up? The actor who played boners. The bone. Oh, washed up dead on a fucking brown.

A
Yeah. I don't know. A lot of sitcom guys give fuck. You're lucky you got out easy. Well, you know what it is?

B
They start. Really. No, it's. They start really young. They start young.

That's what it is. They start. They become kids. They become famous when they're kids, which you just can't do. That works out a lot.

A
Having a child. Be an actor. Smart move. It is the worst thing you can do to a kid other than, like, awful things. Kevin Spacey.

B
Yeah. Wait a minute. Boner found two facts. All right. Heavily wooded area about a hundred feet from a footpath to the huge park.

Dang. How did he die? Boner in the wooded hard. Foul play was not suspected. I don't know about that.

What does that mean? What? An area is never good. How did he die then? It's okay.

His name, but they all. I've met a bunch. His name is Dick and his nickname was Boner. Perfect. That sucks.

A
Boner used to be just a mess up, right? A boner pulled a boner. I used to be that. Yeah. When did Boner become something that people used to describe their dick?

B
You know, maybe it's like one of those things, like gay. Like we had Flintstones had a gay old time, remember? Yeah, used to be fun. We'll have a gay time. And then all of a sudden they took it.

Just like they took the rainbow. Right? They took it from us. They stole it. They stole it.

D
Yeah. Now they own it. We're taking it back. Gay old time. That's why when people get mad, if you call something gay, like, it used to be fun.

B
Blunder. Yeah, it was blunder. 1912 baseball slang. What? Probably from bonehead.

A
Bonehead move. Bonehead. The meaning erect penis is from the 1950s. Okay, so the 1950s. Boner became a dick.

C
I mean, it's right there. Your dick's a bone. Boner. It's right there. Sorry, didn't mean to get hard at the funeral.

B
It used to be a bone on in the 1940s. Follow the trends of boner. That's what I just.

As soon as the fucking Viagra was invented. That's hilarious. It's a good word in the bedroom, though, you know, if you're like, I'm so hard, you can't be like, oh, you like that boner? Yeah. It's not.

D
He's just talking to goes, I got a fucking boner.

Nice boobs. I got a boner. Yeah, he's beer drunk. Really? All you can use is dick and cock?

C
Pretty much. I didn't want to say it. I've definitely hit a boner in there. Yeah, you're drinking that bud light, you get a boner. But if you're drinking, like, 25 year old scotch, you have an erection.

D
You have a hard cock. You have an erect ice moving around your glass. I've got it in there. I can't take. Yeah, I can't take myself seriously.

Should be like, I have a hard cock, right? It's gross, dude. My wife likes the insults that. I feel bad. No, no, no.

You told me this before. I'm sorry. You know, she's like, say shit. Say mean shit. But yeah, I'm a guy, so I'm like, you retard.

C
Yeah, you know, that's not hot. You don't pay your share of the. Rent, you can't cook. That's funny. That she likes that.

Loves it. She's weird. She's a wacky lady, but probably real. Nice outside of that. Very nice.

That's where she gets it out. Bizarre. She could maybe go to the gym. Yeah. Take a fucking yoga class.

Get in there. You have to be fucking hand to hand combat while you're fucking. You know, it's weird. Remember those self defense classes? I felt like every lady took one of those in the eighties, and that kind of went away.

D
Well, I thought you was a NIA guy in the balls. That was it. Yeah. I went to one to watch to see what they teach. It was all nonsense.

B
The only thing that they.

This is when I was teaching. I was, like, 21 at the time. I wanted to see it because it was at Boston University, I think, which is where I was teaching taekwondo. And when I was there, they had, like, a big blue suit. The guy would wear, like, a big blue suit, and he would, like, come.

A
Out like a training german shepherds, and. They would yell, like, stop. And then they would, like, drop and kick him in the balls. That was like one of the moves. And then, like, grab them with your keys.

B
There was moves where you, like, take your keys, you put them through your fingers. Like brass knuckles. Yeah. Back then, people had a house key. Fucking mailbox, a bunch of keys.

You could put them in there and punch people in the face. But I was like, you know, there's no substitute for actually learning how to fight. This is not gonna work. None of it will work. None of it work.

A
I just gotta get out of that alley. I had explained to this girl, she was like a hundred pounds with tiny hands. I'm like, you should never try to hit a guy. Never try. You should be.

B
You should learn how to not get hit and how to move, but you're not gonna hurt someone. You can't. You're too small. There's just. This is nothing you do about it.

A
Wake up call. They get in his head that they're going to be karate experts, and they're going to be beating up people. And I'm like, you don't have enough mass. Like, you have to have a certain amount of mass to be able to generate force to hurt someone. Leah Thomas is pretty beefy.

D
Think of trying to be like, the type of guy who hits his wife, and then you go try to hit her, and she can bob and weave. Well, God sucks. Jujitsu is the best sport for women, the best martial art to learn for women, because you can be very small, but still, with leverage ANd using the right technique, you choke a guy unconscious. I've seen it happen. Yeah.

C
I've been choked. My friend FELicia, she weighs like 135 pounds. She's a black belt under john jacques MacHAdo. And there was this guy who's like a porn star. He used to have a TV show on showtime, and he was gonna have this thing where he tried jiu jitsu with a girl, and she fucking strangled him like three or four times in a row.

B
And I don't know if they ever even put it on tv. The thing, it was so embarrassing because you have this 135 pound chick, manhandles dude taking his life over and over again and letting him go. Felicia, oh, she's the shit. Some girl. There's bodybuilder women.

C
I watch a documentary who get paid on.

B
The side. They get paid on the side while bodybuilding to, like, wrestle dudes and, like, throw them around, and guys love it. Top dollar. What's the real job? Is it really bodybuilding or is it wrestling dudes?

It seems like you're bullshitting. You're saying you do it on the side and that's where you make all your money, right? Bodybuilding is the ad you put out. How much money do the women bodybuilders make compared to, like, women who are willing to wrestle crazy old rich dudes? They make in general.

I bet there's a lot of money. Oh, yeah. In like, old rich dudes that want to be humiliated, of course. Fuck are these people? Where are they who like, what are these guys doing?

Oh, they're out there. A lot of them are like, CEO's, these guys that you tell your jokes in front of at these corporate events. Those guys are getting like, tied down pussy, an asshole stuffed in their face. Yeah, they get their balls kicked. That's the new thing.

A
Cause porn has become so specific because everything's just uploaded for free. So then it becomes like, well, I wanna hire these porn stars to do this exact scene. And a lot of it is like, burn all my stamps. I collect it for 40 years. It's not.

B
But it's not just like with these old rich guys. Like, some of them, they make this deal with what they call a humiliatrix. I had one of them on my show, humiliatrix. Really? Yeah, and she was like, like, get a video of them sucking a cock.

She'll make him suck a cock on video and then send it to her. And then she will tell him she's blackmailing him, but it's all under safe conditions. And she will get him, and he will send her $10,000. And she, like, still holds onto the tape. She does.

They have, like, deals. Terrible. Like, she steals a certain amount of money from him. She can steal a certain amount of money from him and she humiliates him. There's a thing that these rich, really powerful guys that have these giant corporations, some of them, that's how they get their rocks off.

They get their rocks off by being humiliated. But so they hire a professional, and the professional gets dirt on them, humiliated, makes them do embarrassing things. That's a great gig for a lady. Yeah, financial domination. Oh, Karen used to do this.

It's a sexual fetish lifestyle activity. Karen used to do this. It was so funny. She would get a text. This guy was like, hey, what are you up to?

A
And she was like, you suck. Send me some money. And that's $20.

B
It's a lifestyle activity which a submissive is required to give gifts or money to a dominant. Yeah, some dudes out there just like to be dominated.

Piggy. Whoa. Thin sub human atm money slave pay pigs the worst, though. Yeah. Cash piggy's not bad, though.

C
Cash piggy. Cash piggy's not bad. Cash piggy's not. I'll be a little cash piggy, baby. Yeah.

B
Yeah. It sounds like Jackie Gleason used to call his house. I could maybe get behind the domination, but as soon as they're like, no, suck some guy's dick, I'm like, hey, lady, we're. I'm not playing this game anymore. Some of these guys want dirt on them, you know?

I think they're all involved in fucking corporate shenanigans, and they're probably all criminals. I don't. Yeah, I just can't. And, like, get their nuts kicked. I can't.

They get shit on. How do you find out? I don't get it. Is there an unlock moment where you're like, oh, shit. That's what I meant.

A
Like an accidental knee punch, you know? Like, sorry. Like, actually, I bet a lot of. It has come out of the Internet. I bet a lot of it is coming out of guys watching videos.

B
And it's like, that's what I want. That's what I'm. You start jacking off to it, next thing you know, they're hiring somebody. I don't like any pain. It's bothering me.

How do you find the lady? How do you find the lady who's gonna do a good job? I feel like a lady who. I feel like any lady finds you. She finds you.

Fucking shaman, right? Yeah. They find you in the forest. I dated a switch once. A who cat.

C
What? Sub and dominant. Trans. And so it'd be like, you choke her in bed. She'd be like, cool.

A
And then we were at a bar, and she's like, chokes. How does that feel? And I was just like, you can't do anything to me. This is so stupid. Sounds like you dated a fucking retarded son.

She was like. Like that. I'm like, she's trying to stop you at any point. This is dumb. Yeah, well, some people just like playing games.

B
That would bother me. She wanted you to go, oh, my God, like, stop. If you guys at the bar. And a lady grabbed my neck and fuck you doing? Of course.

A
Fuck out of here. We're already fucking. Was she hammered, too? No, we were just our drinker. She was trying to show me her side of it, and I was like, this isn't my thing.

It's like eating ass. Like, I'll eat an ass. But if some chick tries to eat my ass, I'm like, you shouldn't be doing that. No, I couldn't agree more. Completely agree.

This wrong for you? Yes. Bad your legs up like a toddler? No, thank you. There's a fucking paper.

C
The old diaper change. It's not pretty. I couldn't. Yeah, if a lady put my legs up, I'd spaz. Oh, yeah, and you got those big white cheeks with that red hole.

D
Fuck you, dude. You're the one who got your fucking little gay ass eaten. Don't worry. It felt great. I was ready to turn on it.

C
But I had to turn. I was like, I jogged today. This is bad. Also, I want to be like, hey, just Google Ari Shafir's ass part of this. There's no need for these activities.

No, no, you can't. They go too far. They go like these humiliatrix people getting shit on. Yeah, regular sex is pretty good. And then you come, you know, I'm good.

B
Yeah, too far. Well, you got to keep upping it. You know, it's. It's like drugs. Yeah, you gotta keep going further and further.

C
Yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

These people. Has you ever met anybody that's into this? Oh, yeah. You know, every once in while, you meet, like, a guy who likes getting pegged. That's a tough one.

I can name a few. Yeah, I won't. Fitzsimmons and I were on a road trip.

B
We were on a road trip early in our career, back when we would do road trips to do open mics. So we're headed to Rhode island to do an open mic with this dude who didn't make it. One of the guys, one of the lost soldiers make the open mic days. He was telling us about how his wife shoves a ten inch dildo in his ass, how much he likes it. Ten likes.

You never had a vibrator in your ass. And, like. And everyone, it's like, skips. Ah, DeRosa, start with a pinky. I just remember us all being like, what did you just share?

C
Yeah. Yeah. Do we need that? Can we go five? Why ten?

B
Five is great. You're right. Yeah. He might have been exaggerating, but he was opening up the door to this conversation like we're all going to. Yeah, cool, man.

C
No, thank you. I like a hard thing. Yeah. In my body. It doesn't belong there.

I just don't want things behind me. I don't like that idea. You don't sit with us.

B
You don't want to love it either. You don't want to be your greatest orgasm ever true. With, like, a fucking vibrating. Might be, though fake, probably. It probably is.

That's what everybody says. It's probably like a guttural fucking. That's what they all say. Just a whale fucking level of harmonic frequency. That's not possible without something in your ass.

What have I done? And you just bust. Yeah, it's like heroin. You addicted immediately. That's the problem.

If you could find out, like, a spot in there that you could hit with, like, a vibrator, and you'd come that hard, you'd be like, well, let me try it once. If it was under your arm, we'd all try it. Right in the last place you'd look. Most shameful part of your body. Bring it on.

Yeah, the old butthole. No, thank you. So shameful. The finger is the gateway, so you gotta watch out with a finger. Jimmy, call that up.

They start you with the finger. Yep. Jimmy, pull up. Jimmy's getting fucked in the ass. Please.

C
The old magic thumb. When I was, like, 21 years old, I did a road gig, and I met this lady, and we went back to her place, and she told me, she goes, some gay guys used to live here. Before. I said, how do you know? She goes, cause they left gay porn.

B
I was like, what? And so this is the first time I'd ever seen. I knew that people were gay. I knew they were gay, but I had no proof. Yeah, I had no proof of this activity.

And so she puts it on. First of all, I left her apartment immediately, like, I gotta go. This is fucking creepy. You went through. I couldn't believe.

It was like I was watching someone get shot. That guy can't take that back. That dick is in his mouth. So intense for the end of time. Well, that lemon party shot.

You got to pull that lemon party. Yeah. How many times has that been sent? Someone goes, oh, my God. Can you believe what Trump did?

D
You gotta look. The ones. The. The black dudes. The San Francisco.

A
San Francisco Chronicle. Yes. Has not had a real artistic chronicle. What's going on there? What is that?

C
What's a veto? I think. What is that? Jamie, go back to it again. That's Lemon party.

A
Good for such an innocuous title. This might be my computer might be in trouble now. Oh, is your computer tainted? You got a virus, you son of gay virus.

B
They got shades virus. Well, the. The fat black guy with the huge dick, he took over the Lemon party. That was like the new generation. Yeah, that was it.

Anytime there was, like, a crazy news. Story, the flatback dick, you can send that to your mom. The lemon party's. Wait a minute. Over the lines.

A
Rogues. Have a good bit about brokeback Mountain. That there should be a warning. Meat spin. Meatspins.

D
A classic, dude. Which one's that? It's a fun one. You've seen your friends do this. I don't know.

C
Meat spin.

A
Safe on that? Good golly.

D
Girl. Is that kind of just for show? Sort of like when people post virtuous things on social media that kind of. Doesn'T go all the way up? Yeah, it's just a race, just for show.

B
It's. They're only doing this for show. Like, I am so safe, even though I engage in these risky activities. Filming this, like butt fucking in front of a camera. Yeah, butt fucking without a camera is weird.

How do you get that dick to maintain that circle? People do it. And do you pause and try to go the other way? Yeah, you gotta work the other muscles. Do it.

A
Australia goes the other way automatically.

C
Well, now this Spotify is okay with that? With what? The dick swinging? We'll find out. All right.

B
I mean, Jamie's good at. Nothing's been on the screen. Jamie knows how to handle things. Everybody that's listening to this knows exactly what me spin and lemon party is. We're gonna fool a couple people to be like, I'll look this up.

A
What do they mean? Yeah, well, there's some marine watching. Like, ah, come on. Well, dude, I remember the early days of the Internet when this stuff was new, when you would get stuff like this, like, you know, attachments. Well, yeah, but also certain websites, like, do you remember style project?

No, just me. A project was this wild website that had all the most fucked up things. Yeah, it was our spot. We would all go to. Yeah.

Meat calm. Do you remember style project? I don't remember that one. Still up? Yeah, I became friends.

C
Just a porn site. Yeah, this is meat and potatoes. Too much pubic hair. Yikes. Quite a bush.

B
Some guys are into that. So anyway, it used to be like, all the most videos and photos on the Internet. Anything fucked up that happened that you could find. Coco Bay's autopsy videos hit my train. That was a fun.

A
It was a guy and a girl walking. The girl stops, the guy keeps walking, adjusts. Boom. Whoa. Yeah, there's a lot of those.

C
Can you do this? When, like, Neil degrasse Tyson's on be like, oh, let's pull up those cosmos and just. Boom.

A
Cosmos. If he wasn't on camera, he probably have a good sense of humor about it. True that. I was gonna try another older one, but it's got the Texas. Texas fucking.

D
No Pornhub. I know. I tried last night. Yeah. Came famous and then they.

A
Let's go, expert. You gotta search in, man. Get expressvpn. X video is good. Video works.

They all work. You run into one. There's some rough ones on this, though. Oh, really? X video is a little more wild west.

C
I see. How so? Do tell. I don't know. I feel like.

D
Yeah, it's kind of feels like you're on a rotten.com. it feels. Pornhub has. It's like Reddit where it's like the best ones will get shown to you. Yes.

C
They all go knows you. Yeah. Yeah. It's like pregnant 80 year old fucks. Now we're talking.

Oh, yeah, right. Gross. That's horrible. Ever get afraid to click on a porn style because it might change your whole life? I won't touch animal.

B
What? Anime porn. You think that would get you? I don't know. Just get AI porn's gonna get you.

You know why? Because AI porn is gonna manufacture the absolute perfect female. I forgot me, dude, I saw you. I cracked one to AI porn. I'm back.

Well, it's also zero karma porn. You have karma with porn? Come on. Those days are over. Well, no, they're doing a new thing where they're making random, like, high schoolers into a porn to shame them.

C
Send me the link. Oh, like with AI? Yeah, public. Public servants too. Here's the karma.

B
Here's where I don't have karma with porn. 45 year old stepmoms that get stuck in dryers and the stepson fucks them. First of all, it's ridiculous that she's stuck in the dryer. Move your hands up. It doesn't make any sense.

You can get out. Who gets laundry out that way? By sticking your head in for you? It doesn't make any sense. Like, how are you?

How are you stuck? And then also, once you get out, you don't stop fucking. You start sucking dick and you get crazy. Yeah, those are fun. It's a fun time.

It's just like when you have, like, an 18 year old girl who's going on an audition and she's sitting on a leather couch and this guy's talking to her. Those. I'm like, geez, she swallows hard. I can do this. You gotta get to the mothership somehow.

D
When you hear the guy talk to the kid, that's what it's like. You're such a good girl. What do you do? With AI, you're not gonna have any of that. AI know actual people, but you will still have people that get addicted to.

B
That's where things get weird, because then you don't think of them as people. You just think it's like, how do I get to the position where this girl's on the couch? Maybe I need to start my own thing. Maybe objectify. Yeah, it fucks you up.

It fucks. It fucks people up. Unless you ever meet a hooker guy, the guy who gets a lot of hookers and then them around a regular woman. I don't know how to relate to them. Really?

A
Cause everyone's for sale in their world, so then they're like, stare, put. Like, your girlfriend up and down. It's like, dude, jesus Christ. Jesus. Yikes.

B
Yeah, some people don't know how to turn it off. What about. And those guys also like to get shit on videos. Those are the guys. Nice to meet you.

A
We shit on me. That's a third date thing. I bet if you're, like, online today on websites, you could probably find someone to shit on you pretty easily. Oh, yeah. 1970 was probably quite a taste.

D
You get your ass beat. Good point. Cops are gonna whoop your ass for that. Yeah, probably quite a task before you could find someone who will safely shit on you. The Internet's a beautiful thing.

A
Yeah. Put you in a fucking cell next to Jack Ruby. Well, what called two girls, one cup was. Apparently that wasn't real shit, though. That was like ice cream.

B
They stuck up that girl's asshole. Yeah, that's why it looks weird. That's why it looks weird when it comes out, but still.

C
How'd they get it up there, though? One of those things used to, like, decorate a tank. A cake? Yeah, or start a fire. Go so cold, though.

B
No, you just get some, like, warm up. Warm up? Warm pudding. Work it around your hand for a little bit in there. Warm, foamy goodness.

Warm, whipped creamy. It's probably whipped cream. And then she dumps out this chocolate whipped cream and they start eating it. Anyone else? Hard.

Then they start throwing up in each other's mouths. That's. There's a. Those were so many. That was, like, the first reaction videos.

C
Yeah. Two girls, one cup. Two girls, one cup. That jewish reporter getting beheaded slowly. And then the horse.

B
Oh, yeah, the jewish hands. The reporter was from what year? Go for, like, 2001. David Epstein something. Or Einstein.

D
I think his dad invented, like, it was in one of those. Jesus Christ, bro. That one was so crazy beheading, didn't it? Wasn't like you knew in the movies. It was.

A
You just got through a quarter of my neck. I'm still screaming. Yeah, they're song Daniel Pearl Pearl Daniel pearly baby what does dad do? His dad did something I saw now Adam Curtis documentary. They talked about it.

C
Yikes. Remember the first time you caught a bestiality video on accident? Oh, I found one of those when I was in high school. One of our friends had Barnyard Betty. Do you remember Barnyard Betty?

B
Yeah, it was a videotape. It was so grainy. We had, like a copy of a copy of a copy of a vhs. And one of us had to, like, guard the door. So we were downstairs in, like, the dentist where the television was, and one guy had to stand up and try to watch by the doorway in case someone came in so you could stop them from getting through the door and they could pop the tape out in time.

D
Yeah. But it was this lady. She blew a german shepherd. Hell, yeah. And she let, like.

B
I think she let a donkey fucker and a couple other animals. I remember that German shepherd lady because she had nice tits. Really pull her up. Yeah, his dad, she won a Nobel Prize doggy style. Yeah, she went crazy after she sucked a couple of dog dicks pretty well.

What? Yeah, his dad won a Nobel Prize. Wow. Yeah. And then that was when, I think a lot of people got freaked out about terrorism, seeing that, like, oh, my God, they will cut your head off on video just to freak everybody out.

It's not just killing people. It's like a very specific thing they're doing. Probably a great dog, though. That's the most chill dog in the world. Just fucking some hot blonde going back and forth.

D
We got two combos going.

C
I was telling the dog, the Sherman shepherd. No, I was on the guy getting his head cut off. Wow. What cross wires are we on? It's funny if you change topics on Norman when he's in mid.

A
Like, I got tags. I got tags. Oh, sorry.

B
Boys. If a terrorist attack goes down, you know you're gonna want to be here. I'm going to your house. I'm gonna be. Yeah, I'm gonna be your house.

D
We're not. If I get in before you, I'm not gonna let you in. What? There's so much room. We need to get a ranch.

B
We need to get a ranch before everything goes slow, sideways. You'll need me to offer sacrifice like. Guys, guys, I got one for you. Yeah, leave us alone. We'll get you one.

You need a ranch with a well and a bunch of animals. You need a bunch of chickens. You need food and you need water. Chickens will always give you food. Chickens will keep.

Chickens are easy. You get one egg almost every day from a chicken. Hey, that's pretty good. And if you have a dozen chickens, you have a dozen eggs a day, or at least eight or ten. So then you have, like, that's food.

And then all the other food you get is a bonus and you need water. And if things go sideways, that's real. You got a bunker. I have plans. I know.

D
I got a feeling you're not gonna let me in. I'll let you in, I promise. Yeah. All you guys can come in. Well, everybody can come in.

B
I just wonder if you're preparing too late. Like, if shit goes down tomorrow, it's too late. Well, yeah, but you're. But what are those guys who built those bunkers in the sixties and then just like, like, ah, shit. You don't want a bunker.

This is why. Because if it goes that bad, you don't want to be alive. You don't want to survive that. If a nuclear war happens, you don't want to be alive if you get hit. I thought they'd wait it out five years.

You're going to come out to hell. Yeah, you're going to come out to hell, and the people that are going to be alive are going to be so dangerous. Yeah. You get out there like, hey, guys, I survived like new slaves. They're going to eat.

D
We're going to rape you and eat you. They're going to eat you. They will 100% eat you. You ever see the road? Yes.

A
It's the bleakest version of that, brutal. But everybody knows that that's probably what would happen, at least in some parts of the world. That's why it's good. There's a nuclear submarine off the coast of Miami. There's not just one.

B
There's another boat, another soviet boat. That's also great. Yeah. Why don't we deescalate? Maybe a real good idea.

Do you see Biden signed some ten year deal to keep supporting Ukraine for the next ten years. I did see that. What are we doing? It's a lot of money, but it's also. The whole thing is so crazy.

A
All because his son worked there. Well, there's probably a lot of factors. That's the thing, right? Yeah, but that guy's. He's in court now, but there's a.

B
Lot of other factors with, like, all the different. He'll be all right. I see a pardon coming. I see a pardon coming. We got two politician guys in court.

C
It's a wild time. There's just so many factors that are dangerous right now. Like Palestine, Ukraine. There's so many different places in the world where, like, things could pop off and go real bad at any moment. And, like, there's a steady clip of people dying.

B
Oh, yeah, steady clip of people dying in Ukraine. Steady clip. And at a certain point in time, if it gets to, like, what? How many people has Ukraine lost? Let's guess.

How many soldiers? No one will tell us. What is the estimate of losses in Ukraine? A lot of, like, non, like, people went back. Athletes and stuff went back to fight.

A
That's a lot of, like.

B
Klitschko's not fighting anymore. But no, no. Like, there's still a lot in the war. We would definitely know if they were dead. No.

Yeah, he's not dead. And Lomachenko went. He went and joined back in the army. It's pretty sick. Yeah.

Animals. I mean, that's literally defending the homeland. Yeah. How many people have died in Ukraine right now? The thing is, like, this keeps escalating, and Russia keeps losing people.

D
MSNBC will tell you a million Russians have died in 20 Ukrainians. Tucker will tell you 10 billion Ukrainians, five Russians. No one knows. Yeah. Well, be careful.

B
Isn't it weird how the liberals are in support of this war? It's all flipped. So weird. Very strange. But it's what, it's a lesson that everybody needs to know.

It's not about left or right. It's all bullshit. It's about people in control. And people in control, they use all kinds of different methods to stay in control. And supporting war is one of them.

A
Supporting war. They just try to do it from the left or they try to do it from the right. Right. But it used to be, it was the right wings that were the warmongers. The left wing guys were the pussymongers.

B
Right? Right. That's what it's like. It's like Clinton was a pussy hound. Bush was a warmonger, and blue collar was left.

Right. And now blue collar's all right. Right? It's a wacky time. Right?

Blue collar meant, like, working class, normal american. The south was Democrat. And also the conservatives, like, fuck Russia, we gotta fight against. But then it's like, like.

Fact check. Cannot verify these numbers. And Ukraine treats the number of military deaths as a state secret, so the total is not officially known. Okay. The deaths of nearly 25 ukrainian soldiers since the invasion.

Oh, this is a November of 2023. This is a while ago. 25,000 ukrainian soldiers since the invasion began by using open sources and put the total toll at more than 30,000. You gotta get Zelenskyy on. He's a star fucker.

C
He would do it. Why would I do this? Hanging out with Cate Blanchett? Do you think we really want to have a guy in the middle of that? Like, dude, do you smoke?

B
Where's the money going? Who's. Who's any of it going sideways? Are any real, like, real account? For sure some is going sideways.

A
You're dealing with regular people. Using their farmland is loans. Aren't we just buying all their. Is that what it is? I think so.

B
Jesus Christ. We'll see. Because they're wheat. Yeah. The bread basket.

D
I don't know anything. I read a headline. Good for you. What do you mean, the farms? Like, we get there.

Ukraine. Ukraine is the bread basket of the world. Well, like wheat. Yeah, they make a lot of. We stop eating that shit.

B
Anyway. They ate all that farmland and then they got starved by the Soviets. Whoa. Take over Ukraine's agriculture labor. Yikes.

A new report exposes the stealth takeover. Agriculture land. This is from February 2023. On the same page. Wow.

It's always. I don't know. It's always about something. It's always about something else. There was that point when.

A
When we pulled out for Syria and Trump was doing a press conference, and he goes, like, I don't think he's supposed to. He goes, don't worry, we got the oil. We got the oil. Don't worry about that. Like, he just said it out loud at a press conference and was like, wait.

I thought it was human right stuff. And he was just like, no, it's always something. It's like when your girlfriend's mad at you, it's always something else. Yeah, that's. War is a racket.

B
That's that Smedley butler book from 1933. This dude retired and just, like, he was in the military his whole life and wrote this book called War is a racket. It's all just about what he thought he was doing and what it was actually wound up being. Ukraine is the breadbasket of Europe, producing one of the highest wheat yields in the world. But deep tillage and poor soil management has left its farmlands a heavily degraded state.

But Monsanto will take care of that. Because of the poor state of Ukraine's agricultural land, shift to regenerative agriculture has immense carbon sequential potential sequence sequestration. None of us know what that means. Sequestering carbon in the soil means, like, instead of like sequestering like horses leaving a lot of shit in the air, the soil actually retains it and they get like zero carbon footprint farms and regenerative of agriculture. It's like polyface farms does that.

And what was the other one? White oaks pastures does that. There's a few of them. And what they do is just, they let. The problem is not farming.

The problem is farming the way we do it, where you like one giant field of one crop and like all these animals in a pen and all these chickens in a box. Like, that's not how nature wants you to do it. Yikes. And if you do it that way, you need a bunch of chemicals. That's how we do it.

C
Blackrock. Blackrock's definitely buying that land. Oh, really? In Ukraine, I would imagine they're buying everything. Good name for just trying to make money.

Blackrock. They're trying to make money. True. Any way they can. They got a bunch of billionaires invested in them and like, come on, let's see some returns.

D
Yes, let's buy everyone's house. That's that game. They're playing that game. They're playing the let's see some returns game. Yeah, and, and meanwhile, it's two wars.

A
People are dying. Two wars. You're trying to protect parks, you fucking dumbass. You should protect fucking Israel. You need to protect.

B
How many parks do you think we protected with this podcast? Yeah, no, we did the one in Austin. They tried, they fought back, they saved it. Do you think we had anything to do with that? No, no, good point.

D
Yeah. I think anyone protecting a park would actually hate the fuck out of us. Probably if you're out protecting a park. That is fucking racist. I did get somebody the other day.

A
They were like, hey, man, I used to play tennis under the Williamsburg bridge all the time. I appreciate what you tried to do. Whoa, really? That's cool. Where'd you kiss him?

At a simp convention. I had him send money. He had me send him money. Some gay guy kissing under a bridge. Remember when there was a park here?

B
Whatever. Who bought it? Like, how did they sell it? How'd they steal the park? They said they have to actually make changes, change it up instead of having.

D
Homeless guys sleep around all the time. There was no homeless guys there wasn't there? Of course. Yeah. It's the one park in America without by the river.

A
It's like a different thing. Yeah. And so they're just like fixing it with public funds and then they'll sell it off. When they don't. When the public funds run out, then they'll build the high rises of the prisons.

C
Parker brothers. Yeah. So it's just like a slow theft? Yeah, it was like 3000 trees they cut down. Oh, yeah.

A
It's not a little park. Nothing. Trees. It's massive. It was the best place on Covid.

Remember that amphitheater performed there? How's that? Okay, who signed off that big outside amphitheater? Yeah, that's gone now. Is that gone?

Yep. Good. I hate it. I bombed there. Fuck that place.

D
Good. Fuck that. Who signed off on that? De Blasio and Carlina Rivera. Wow.

I feel like you don't know what the fuck are you talking about. No, I do on this one. You know name he shit. He knows how to protect the park, I'll tell you that. I don't know if he does.

A
I just wore a shirt. Check parks, man. That's all you need. You hurt the movement. You did.

D
You're the worst guy to be the fucking spokesman. I really am. I know nothing about anything. I just read one headline, I'm like, no, guys, it's important. You gotta recycle.

B
Well, if it wasn't for Teddy Roosevelt making national parks, like, who knows what they would have done with like Yosemite. And Yellowstone it up for sure. Yeah, they would turn all those fucking beautiful places into condos. Bass pro shop logo on half dogs. Fucking chick fil a.

A
Central park would not exist. Yeah. Oh, it would have been gone a long time. It's amazing they killed that park though. It's amazing that people let them kill your park.

They say they gotta redo it in case there's flooding, I think. Didn't they have. In case there's flooding, it's killed 3000 fucking trees. Didn't have to kill a black neighborhood to make a park. We need to protect neighborhoods.

C
Well, that's not. Why did they do that? No, this was a central park, Ross. Oh, really? Oh, they did?

Yeah, that's right. They took over a whole neighborhood. Think they had to tear down some black and immigrant neighborhoods. Well, they definitely do that for doctor. Make all of Central park the.

D
Probably the upper half. Wow. I thought it was already actually probably lower half. It was smaller back then. I was a hooverville.

B
Get rid of shantytowns built during the Great Depression by homelessness. Yeah, just homeless vets. Clear mount, folks out. It was already pretty. No, it was before that.

D
There was a. Wow. Whoa, look at that. Central park is amazing. Every time I'm in New York and I get a hotel that, like, overlooks it?

A
Yeah. Oh, my God. Around there. It's incredible. It's all we got for trees.

B
How sketchy is it, though? No, it's not. It's not bad that it all changed. When did it change? Like, in the, like, nineties or something?

A
When I. When I moved to New York, I was worried about it, and Neil Brennan was like. I was like, I don't know if they have bars on my windows. He goes pro. Look at the stats.

You're talking about an old New York. But I'm talking about now with the immigrant crisis in Central Park. I feel like you don't go there. I feel like you don't see it in New York. The immigrant thing.

C
Oh, they're out there. They're live there. Told me you see a big difference. They're usually driving dressed like fucking Elmo. No, that's true.

B
What do you mean, Elmo? They're in fucking Times Square dressed like a fucking sesame character. Oh, trying to make money. Yeah. Every now and then you catch that helmet coming off, and you're like, hey.

D
Let'S fuck the car. Holy shit. I saw a picture at Disneyland where someone caught Minnie Mouse taking a cigarette break. And is this Mexican doing a mustache? Oh, boy, oh, boy.

B
Kids are screaming, he's got a mustache. He's fucking taking a cigarette break. Kid's like, what the fuck? He's a dude. That's a good way to cross the border.

C
No one's gonna stop Pokemon. They're like, no, Pikachu. A lot of them are uber eats drivers. That's like a big one. That's a big one.

B
You can be an Uber eats driver and you don't have to have any kind of license. No, nothing? No. You drive a New York Vespa on a fucking sidewalk. It's electric.

D
One that's silent. That's right. They sneak up on you when you're driving a bike, and you're like, I think I'm all clear and on you. I thought of a video for the group. Dude, you guys are gonna like it.

C
Yeah, it's. It's wild out there with those. Those poor guys, though. Those poor mexican guys are on a bike in the winter, and everybody's at home, you know, anytime it rains, they're. Like, Mexicans, come bring me my food.

A
I don't want to go out in this. I don't want to go two doors down. Chicken parm. Well, for them, it's either that or be under the grip of the cartel. Hey, what about that president?

C
The lady yeah. Crazy. What? She killed like 20 people or 27 people were assassinated during the general elections all throughout. Throughout Mexico.

See, we're not so bad. Yeah, so it's all sorts of different roles. City councilor, mayor, this, that. So during the elections, 37 people got assassinated. Assassinated.

A
Not like suicide. Our president just died naturally. Biden's on the way out in office. Kick it. He's running again.

What's the last time we had prison die in office, not of assassination. Oh, that's a good question. I don't think it's ever happened. The guy with pneumonia? Yeah.

C
Well, that got everybody. It wasn't Harrison. Grover Cleveland? No, Taft was fat. Taft was a big dog.

D
It was a big dog. This is something about Taft. Taft was fat.

C
Now he's just. He looks like a normal guy. What do you think the odds are. Of Biden made up just chubby? Yeah.

B
What do you think the odds are of Biden still being on a ticket in November? He's not coming off the ticket, is he? They're going to slide. They should have done that already. I feel like they would have done that by now.

I don't know if they can keep this up. There's been some latest ones, some latest gaffes. What are you doing over there, buddy? I'm just trying to find this bull hitting this lady that you're gonna like. The one that got loose.

D
All right, sorry. I'll stop doing it. And it's like being american. Oh, well. Frank, Elizabeth gonna go the songs plan.

B
Well, I'm proud to be in America, where at least I know I'm. And the bull jumps over the fucking and start smashing people. They picked up that lady and just kept bobbing her. Crushed a lady that was just standing there. Oh, my God, I got my nachos.

D
She's wearing a red shirt. I thought it was fine. I completely forgot what I was googling. What was I googling? Dementia.

Who's the president that died of pneumonia given his inauguration speech? Reagan Harding hair. Harrison. I don't know why I'm saying Harrison was 68s. This is natural causes, 1923 and 45.

Did he die in office? Harrison, Taylor, Harding, and Roosevelt all died in office, I think assassinated. I think Harrison was the one who gave a speech. He was like, I'm gonna show everyone. It was like 30 degrees and raining, and he fucking died.

B
Wow. They were the long speeches with those wanted to die. If you lived in 1841, there was no medicine. You might want to die. Those guys always give, like, three hour speeches and get shot.

Not Joey Lincoln. Give, like, when they were doing debates, he did like, six hour debates. Debates. Like Chappelle. They're really trying to hash it out.

One month in office, caught a cold, developed in pneumonia. April 4, 1841, he died. Those were the days. They never had emergency with him. Died.

The Whig program. What's the wig program? The party. Yeah. What's that?

A
The wigs was Democrats, Republicans, and wigs. Wiggle wigs. What? The wigs. Were they the know nothing party also?

D
Who cares? Jamie, fire up that bull hitting that fucking lady. Yeah. Going after that black dude in the ghetto. The who?

A
Happened? Some black dude. Like, ghetto is. Black dude is, like, burgering up or whatever on his front lawn. And some Karen's like, you know, you're not getting this neighborhood and shit.

He goes, get that fucking camera off my. My face. And she goes, it's my constitutional right to fill. He just goes and punches her. Really?

C
Whoa. That's pretty funny. Holy shit. There it is. So this is the bull out.

B
She's. She's doomed. You can see the thong.

Rodeo Bull escaped the ring during the sister's rodeo. But if you see the escape, this. She's just talking to her friend. Red Bull. Yeah.

C
First got out. Good. See? Get it? When it first got out, somebody get hurt.

B
Yeah. It's sad. Yes. But what makes me laugh is when I'm proud to be an american where at least I know I'm free.

A
Wait, that was just actually playing? That wasn't dubbed in. Actually playing.

B
I don't want to hear these people yapping. There's a video where it just shows the bull doing it. It's harder to find the actual video you want once. Like, I'm just googling, you know, escape and send all the clips and everything. The bull escaping has shocking video.

C
I know. There it is right here. Give me some volume. He's got a plan.

B
From the beginning. Oh, shit. Wait, wait. There's a great one. Red arrow.

C
Listen for the weapon. The fuck?

A
Oh, she's wearing a red shirt. You're right. Oh, that was it. I didn't know. Crushing the other dudes.

B
Oh, yeah. He ran around for a while. Oh, my God.

Damn. Damn. She's like, oh, no. Line at concessions. It's just hilarious.

That. That's the song. That's plan. Yeah. I'm proud to be in America, where at least I know the rocky theme.

Going for it. He got out. He's like, where's that bitch? His name was party bus.

Party bus. That was in Oregon. You know, Oregon is all, like, a red state. And then Portland yeah. Yeah.

And Eugene. Lesbians. The rest of it's like rural hunters and shit. That's most of America. Colorado's like that, too.

Louisiana, Colorado's like that. But these places, the cities get so populated that they just overwhelm voting. Like, in Colorado, they just reintroduce wolves. And the ranchers are like, what do you do? What do you mean?

C
Reintroduced? They reintroduced wolves. They released wolves in Colorado for the first time. Like, wolves used to live all over the place. We killed them because they're a real problem.

A
Yeah, we used to be all over the place, too. We kill those. Get out of here. Yeah, but the wolves are a real problem. They kill kids.

B
They kill people. They kill dogs. They kill all your livestock. If you don't control the population of them. They're fucking dangerous.

The Soviet Union and Germany had a ceasefire in world war one to kill wolves. Because they were the middle. Yes. They were in the middle of killing each other and it was. Their wolves were killing so many people, they decided to have a fucking ceasefire.

And then they killed wolves together and then they went back to killing each other. Yeah. Or palace. That's how scary wolves are. And these fucking jackasses just release them into Colorado.

Because they're amazing. Because if you live in some beautiful neighborhood with, like, cement streets, you don't have to think about that. There should be wolves. There should be wolves. Wolves are incredible.

That you don't even know what a wolf is. That's Little Red Riding Hood. That shit's real. There's a reason why that was in every little kids book. Because they ate people.

They ate people. Wolves ate people. They ate alligator to stay stable. Fuck away from them. Yeah, they're.

D
We need crocodile. Dangerous. Wolves are fucking dangerous, man. Gators aren't going anywhere. I had a friend that got surrounded by wolves.

B
He killed an elk, and the elk, where they. Where the elk died was like, right next to the wolves den. And so they went to retrieve the elk and the wolves started circling them. He told my friend John Dudley, he killed two of them with a bow and arrow. And his friend killed one of them with a rifle.

The wolves kept rushing them. Dudley Moore, just imagine. So what'd he do? He killed them. He killed two of them and charged one.

And then they fucking ran off. Because wolves, luckily, don't have an understanding of how many rounds someone has. And a rifle because they were out of bullets and he had, like, one arrow and there was like, ten wolves and they killed three of them. It's a bad way to go, bro.

It got real close, like they were running at them and they were shooting them. Problem with a wolf is you got one in your sights and there's another one behind you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, what they did was they stood their back to a tree.

C
Ah. Yeah. And so they're, like, literally standing with the old tree back. We got to get rid of these trees. Bark, park dormant.

B
That's. That's the real reason for the park being down. They're gonna reintroduce wolves in New York City. Could you imagine that? Running all through the West Village trees?

D
That's actually a good battle. Although the bums versus the fucking. Listen, if the immigrant population gets too dense, that's a mother coliseum, right? Lobos, kind of the bums. Yeah.

B
It's always the same results. They brought in coyotes a long time ago. Coyotes here in New York City. But they're a problem too. Yeah, they're a real problem.

They'll eat your cat. They'll eat your kid. There's a guy in woodland Hills. There's a video of him, his kid getting stolen from by coyote. That's good to know.

C
Yeah. Good way to get rid of him. A little baby, like a toddler. Jingle ate his baby. Hey, well, there's no abortion here.

B
He grabbed it and started running with it, and he chased after the coyote. The coyote drops the kid, and like, fuck. Oh, he saved it. Yeah, he saved his kid. Ah, bummer.

But geez. Norman, Mark, very expensive. That type of thing's not funny. He's just trying too hard to. Shocking video of the alligator killing the old lady.

C
What? She's walking her dog right by the. You see him like, it's like a log coming fast. And then some lady calls, like, they got her. They got the lady.

A
He was like, I don't know. She's gone. Horrible. That's horrible. When I was a kid, I lived in Gainesville, Florida, and there's alligators all over the place.

B
And a lady's dog got snatched up while I was there. This lady was walking her dog by the water, and the dog's, like, sniffing around, and this alligator just jumped out of the water, grabbed the fuck. Also, dogs will go, they'll see the alligator. They'll go right up to it and. Bark at it, right?

A
Like, oh, this doesn't work on. She had this little white, like, poodle looking dog. The alligator just snatched it right in front of everybody. Damn. You know, you can only kill him by shooting him right in the top of the head.

C
It's the only way to kill Gator you can stab it, kick it, shoot it, tase it. Nothing. Wow. Gotta hit it right in the noggin. You ever watch swamp people?

D
Yeah, they pull it up on the boat. People bow hunt alligators and you shoot them through the roof ribs. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. That can't be the only way to kill it.

C
Well, that's all these guys, you can cut it. Now, there's a couple different ways to kill them. I mean, they're so tough. They're so tough, you're blown up. That's true.

B
They were around before the dinosaurs, like, while the dinosaurs existed. Alligators in some form. At least crocodiles in some form were alive. They say they never die. Like, if you just let it live, it'll just go.

Yeah, yeah, they just keep getting bigger. Yeah. What the fuck, dude? It's like Trump.

D
Trying to arrest him. He just got on keto, started doing tests, doing some growth hormone, taking a lot of creatine, doing body weight, squats and fucking deadlifts, and he would die. See Trump start swinging kettle, he gets. Off fucking McDonald's and Diet Coke. He's dead.

B
Probably already lived. 78. Yeah. Amazing. God.

C
But he doesn't drink. Fucking old. Everybody's so fucking old. We looked at the other day, the founding fathers, how old they were. Yeah, they're 20.

B
818. One of them was 18. Yeah, one of the founding fathers was 18. That's why they were like, Ben Franklin was 80, he was 40. Really?

A
They were white wigs. Yeah, they weren't that old, man. It's crazy. And the people that we have run in this country are old as shit. Why?

C
What are we doing? What are we doing? Nobody wants to do it. You don't want to do it? I don't want to do it.

B
No. Young people want to do that job. Unrelated, unrelate. They have no, like, understanding what it's. Like to be living, but give RFK a shot.

C
He's. He's ripped. I like RFK a lot. I like RFK a lot. And then I was.

D
I was taking a shit this morning. I was looking at my phone and it was RFK talking to, like, two birds on his porch. Oh, no, he's got a Raven. God damn pet raven. Don't film this.

B
Come on. I like that. He's a falconer. Look, I get it. I like it.

D
I like it. Made me like him. I like those birds. I think they're cool birds. Come on, bro.

C
But what's he saying? Like, vaccine shit to the birds.

B
He feeds the birds and they become his friend. Yeah, he's being friends with birds on camera. Don't do that. That makes me nervous. I like him.

D
I think of. I think he's clearly the most sane of our option. But he talked about with talking to. Birds on the porch. Was there a possible way that he could win?

B
No, no chance. Yeah, not this time. He could start over again for the next one. Right? Yeah, but it's an.

As an independent, can anybody really win? No, not we have it. Just won't allow it. And not he's gonna get clipped. Runs family.

Right. But is it. Is it just that, what, they won't allow it or that no one has ever really hit the kind of popular independent. Let's imagine. Could win.

A
He could win. Right? He's already. He's already big. But it's like member UHF.

None of those UHF shows could be as big. Oh, interesting. Two to eleven. Good analogy. Damn.

B
You went old school. You ate up. You forgot what that meant. Yeah, he's too young. There was like a secondary channel system.

Yeah. Where like Benny Hill was on.

A
Doctor who was on there. Yeah, doctor who. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Star Trek, next generation. Your old jew tv.

Yeah, yeah. Man. Put on UHF. UHF. But those could never.

Even if they were the most popular shows, it was. Oh, people just remember dark shadows with Barnabas Collins. No, no, it was a vampire show that was on UHF. Whoa, is that public access? Is that.

B
No, it's not. It's just like, not ABC, NBC or CB's. But it wasn't cable either. It's kind of like am. Yeah, it's like am radio.

It was like shitty local channels, like local Boston channels, UHF use of ultra high frequency radio. That's what they. Transmissions and television signals. No, they came for everything, bro. You used to have fucking.

You'd put tin foil on your thing to make the signal come in better. Mm hmm. People had all these wacky fucking antennas. Sacrifice. Like, someone's got to hold it, because if you're not touching it, we can't see the game.

You have to hold the thing in place. And some guys would get these bomb ass antennas. You'd go by Mike's house like, look, Mike's antenna. Oh, my God. His tv must be crystal clear.

A
He gets shows from Myanmar, bro, I. Remember the first time I ever saw a satellite dish. It was bigger than its fucking. Some dude had a satellite dish in his backyard. I go, what are you doing with this?

B
He goes, I get tv from Japan. I was like, what? How are you getting. Watch a rick and Morty or do. You just like, this is a long time ago, man.

This is in, like, the nineties. This guy had a giant ass dish in his backyard. He was getting, like, international television shows. But he's not watching any of those shows. He's still watching just fucking.

I don't know what he was watching. I just know this dude invested in a fucking dish that took up, like, one eight of his backyard yard. Damn. I do. The dishes are all over.

C
You go to the roof in New York, there's, like, seven dishes up there. But those. Aren't those usually small, like, the direct? Yeah, they're smaller. The funny thing is, you see, like, just a concrete shack, but they got their dish.

B
You know what Elon just announced? They just announced those Starlink setups that you could take in a backpack. Like, it's, like, a size of a laptop. So anywhere you go in the world, you could take one of these starlinks, set it up, and you will have wireless where you could stream 4k movies. Yeah.

High speed wireless Internet the size of a backpack. He fucked. That can't escape. In Africa, he fucked a tribe. Well, he wants kids.

C
I know that he likes kids, but. No, no, he wants to have kids, Elon. Yeah, he's got a bunch. But I'm not saying he can't say he likes kids. No.

B
This day and age be clear. He went to Africa and gave him the Internet, and they fucked him up. Oh. Wasn't in Africa. It was the Amazon.

Amazon, yeah, unconscious America. Yeah, they started whacking off. Yeah, they're not equipped. We're not equipped for it. They're definitely not equipped for it.

What's crazy is this tribe does not even allow public displays of affection, like kissing. What? And then all of a sudden, in WhatsApp messages, they were sending porn to each other, and so the tribe leader was like, what the fuck is this? Yeah. They're all just sitting around, scrolling on their phones.

A
Yeah. I mean, why? Because you're not. If you just discovered porn, there was no porn, and that's something. There's porn gonna happen.

B
You give someone a phone, give them a connection, let them know porn's real. I mean, when the iPhone came out, it was, can you get porn on that? Write the porn I can get on the Internet. Can you get porn on that? It was the first question anyone asked.

C
That's what we do. That's back when it was like, you could go Wi Fi and cellular. Cellular wasn't good enough. Right? Yeah.

B
You couldn't even really watch YouTube back then. It was just too sketchy there was. No apps, anything for that stuff. But it was like, I could go on, you know, bangbus.com or something like that. Get one.

C
Party bus. Well, you know those cave drawings have dicks. Like, they're. They're doing porn then. Oh, yeah.

B
Oh, there's a bunch of old porn that exists. Like, in, like, ancient egyptian porn. Like hieroglyphic porn. Like, they're watching it. Like, people get off bone in people.

Ancient greek porn. Like, dudes. Big hard dicks banging girls doggy style. But was it like, let me show you what people are doing. Or was it for, like, eroticism?

I think it was for eroticism, yeah. What was it? Like, pottery? Jamie, who was bringing that up? It wasn't Brian Murray rescue.

Do you remember who it was? Was bringing up, like, all the egyptian dibble, wasn't it? Flint Dibble? That's pretty hot. Flint Dibble.

C
What kind of name is that? He's an archaeologist. Flint Dibble Turin erotic papyrus. Oldest known depiction of human sexuality. There you go.

A
But that's a depiction. It's not really like porn. Is that people boning in that picture? Oh, look at the. That's what it looked like.

B
Animals boning. They all have dongs. Oh, there you go. I mean, look, if you only lived to be 20 years old back then, that's probably all people thought about. Like, get your nuts off before you get your head chopped off.

I gotta fucking fucking slaughtered by the neighboring tribe. What a hellscape life must have been like back then. I know, but they were probably happier than us. No, that's nonsense. I don't know.

Not us. We're having a good time. Banged up. Yeah, but who fucking has more fun than us? Us.

C
Well, that's different. We're living a life, but we're alive in the same time, like this. What we're doing is possible for other folks in other jobs and other ways of life, like. But it's the whole thing. Thing is like finding great groups, people having a good old time.

B
Chuck one of those this way. Yeah, baby. We can bring back America. We're trying. It's not like.

And we can bring back. Dude, we got the song. Oh, ari. Oh, hell, yeah. Yeah.

D
I think it's time to get a little rad. I think we need to get. I need that bong, please. Oh, yes. We got double.

B
We got double eagle. That's a bad idea. What do you. What is this? The beginning of the.

Look at that. Look at that heart on that guy. That's a ridiculous dick. I've seen yours. You're all right.

Thank you. But that seems like you would hurt somebody. Yeah. Nice penis. Thank you very much.

C
Very nice. Way we get that cold plunge. Dude. Joe's. I saw that.

D
My dick evaporates. Of course. That thing is still good for you. Joe says audit on the side, which I thought was weird. Contractual obligation.

What? Have a giant no on it on. The side of my car. It was part of the deal to rep the kettlebells. Oh, man.

Wait. Oh, shit. I'm done.

Here we go. One more time. We're still number one, dude. We are number one. We're number one even if we lose.

True. Fuck, yeah.

It's awfully cold. Oh, my God.

That's fun. We're back. I'm tired of people saying America sucks, dude. We're just being gay lately. But that's all right.

B
This is what it it is. This is a declining empire. No, it's not all. We could come back. We're gonna dip a little.

Gonna come back. I just. I see videos all the time. People using this fucking eagle at the barbecues. Oh, we play America rules.

Oh, America rules. Also go to America. We rule. We're the best, but the world's fucked. The civilizations fucked.

C
I don't know, we're getting a little weird. And quiffy with the. China's buying all our farms and our. Real dangerous, very dangerous digital control, all of it, very dangerous. We're going to get to a point in our lifetimes where we're going to make a choice between AI or no freedom.

A
What do you mean? AI or no freedom? What do you mean? AI is going to govern things, or you're going to have human beings governing things. And the tightness and the grasp that they're going to have on your ability to do anything is going to be so great that all freedoms will be gone, innovation will be stopped, stifled.

B
Giant corporations will control everything, and they'll act like totalitarian governments. They're already trying to do that. They're trying to silence people on social media and do all kinds of things to obscure facts and put out bullshit narratives. They're doing that right now, and they have the power to do that. And if they get bigger, they're going to do it more.

D
But, you know, I would say this, though, doesn't. Throughout history, everybody's always thought this. Yep. No matter what they've been like, this is it. This is the end.

This is. We're done. In the fifties, they were living life. Well, that was. They just got done.

C
That's right. They won. The entire world. But they had a nice chill moment. It was like that two years after gay marriage was legal.

A
And the gays were like, all right, we'll calm down now. We saw an assyrian tablet. There was an assyrian tablet from, like, 2900 bc. And it was talking about how the end of the world is close and everything's falling apart. Back then, those guys.

D
Shit was falling. Falling apart. Yeah. Yeah, it was. If you look at.

Watch, like, think of any time throughout history it sucked. Sucked. Actually. Look around. If, like, everything sucks and it's all going to shit and you look around, like, it all looks pretty good.

B
Mother ship. Last night, we had a great show. Had a couple of cocktails, had a lot of laughs. We did bottom of the barrel for a half an hour. Shaded up.

D
You guys were on for sure. So much fun. That was. But also, you know what's funny is they definitely did this exact same thing back then. Like, he's got three drinks.

You had three. Watch out. And a liquor here that's bad. I see it. One shot.

B
That's Ron White tequila. I know. I'm trying stuff. He says there's no number one. I'll believe it when that's not true.

He's lying to you. I agree. There's no hangover in this drink. Ron doesn't miracle. It's an elixir.

C
Yeah, exactly. Major elixir of life. Joe said, he said, a heart to heart with Ron White. Said, you got to switch a silver tequila. It'll change your life.

A
And he goes, it did change my life. And I'm like, DeRosa, you're an alcoholic. And that changed your life. Derosa. Fucking don't you dare.

Switching to silver tequila changed your life.

B
Such disdain in your voice. Yeah, there is a rules, dude. Don't you dare get in his head that he's an alcoholic. Because he will take it back, John. Take it back.

A
I didn't mean that at all. You're the best drunk. He's Austin's newest resident. We must defend him. You got another one?

B
We got another one. DeRosa's another one on it. Man, I love draws. Get one of the firemen out there. Whatever you.

C
What are those guys? My shades. Security, though. Those are fire guys. You can go grab them.

B
Go. Run out. I don't want to lose anything. I bet you have to pee. I got nothing.

D
No, you want Ari's. You want. You want to wear ours? Thanks. Yeah.

B
Do you feel more comfortable this way? I just. Yeah, it's. You're a little hidden. Yeah, I did a whole podcast with him.

With Dylan. Yeah. Big crazy square sunglasses that late wear. Oh, yeah, it's nice. You wear those.

You hide. You talk some shit. It's fun to stare at chicks in New York with them on. Oh, you're such a creeper the way you said it. Jeez.

C
With that go to coming out of a tunnel.

B
Remember when you had a Hitler mustache? Yeah. I wanted you to do that today. You said, no, it's actually a bad. Yes, we should have.

Oh, we do have a trimmer. Michael Jordan does it. No, we do have a trimmer mustache. He could do it. Michael Jordan.

No, he could do it. I wore. I had one once on a podcast, legion of skin said to wear Hitler mustache of all their pubes. Oh, Dave Lewis and Big J. It's not very fun.

A
It was not. I agree. It was not very like that. Because you finally spun the wheel. I spun the wheel.

It was eat a goldfish. They think there's ever gonna be a time where the Hitler must come back. No. Yes. Same with Adolf.

C
Adolf fuck, too. Adopts. Fucked. Wait, off is out. Adolphus.

D
Adolphus Bush. Hey, look at that. Smells so bad. You can smell the difference in their pubes, too. Who had the best smelling pubes?

A
Dave. Ew. You like Dave's pubes? I don't like them. It just didn't smell as bad as Lewis's.

B
I heard you liked him. You said they smell good. Got his ass. Got his ass. Got his ass.

I heard you said they smelled like fresh basil. I lost a bet. Oh, bro. Oh, wow. Yeah.

You look like I couldn't breathe. Yeah, but in all fairness, you did take a shit in a Tupperware and fucking open it up on stage in front of them. Shitler. That's right.

D
I got a good one. My friends called their mom Shitler. There was three brothers, and they would chant. They'd go, mother Shitler. Oh, my God.

B
She'd be like, fuck you. Stop it. And then one day, they spray painted shitler on the side of her work van. Really? That's a bit much.

D
It was pretty funny, though. Those guys go hard. Yeah, they're. Those guys are animals. If a crime is committed, those are the first guys I'd question by name.

A
And by the way, those guys that goes in the hate crime stats, even though it's just now. We were mom. We were anything like that. Like, we were out, and then we would drive the van. We were kids, and when they would go to work, we would take the van.

D
We were children driving this van around, and then we would take it off. We would take it into, like, a field and just drive it around. Then one time I was. I wasn't in it. And I watched them hit, like, a hill, and the entire bottom of the shitler van fell out.

B
I was like, holy shit. Run, run. We put it in neutral and pushed it back into the driveway, and then nothing happened. Mother shitler came home, she started the car. I was like, what the fuck's going on?

Oh, my God. Well, that was. Your kids were feral back then. You just did crazy shit. I remember one time I got blackout drunk.

C
I was out with my friends all night. They brought me back home, they put me on the porch, and they shot me with paintballs, and they shot my whole front of my house. My dad came out in a row, but he had, like, a nom flashback and he flipped out. Remember donuts? You guys do as soon as it snowed, just go to the logo high.

B
School, go to parking lots, do donuts. Park lots or a football field, and then just wait for the cops to show up. Remember how much fun snow ruled before fucking gay ass global warming? Real snow day. Snow rules.

You guys not getting much snow at all in New York anymore? No. The whole last year we got almost none. Really? Last year there was a little.

D
I think the year before there was zero. No snow, bro, it's real. Or like a quick dusting, but no, like, shutting down everything. Today I drove by Lake Travis out here. It was the big lake.

B
It's like 40% capacity. Yeah, dude, it's crazy. Oh, it's gone. 60% of it's missing. Oh, that's a bummer, bro.

It's nuts. I know it's fun to be based and red pilled on these podcasts, but global warming might be real. It didn't snow for fucking five years. Here's the thing. It is definitely a real thing.

D
Secretly. Wow. You went with no music. You guys are having a good conversation. It's definitely real.

B
The question is, like, how much of it is because of us and how much of this Green deal stuff is just bullshit where people are trying to make money and control people? Well, that's awesome. Both things are happening simultaneously. Yeah, there is some sort of a change in the climate, but then also when you look at the level of carbon in the atmosphere, it's like the amount of it is not that much. I don't think it's the major issue.

A
What is the issue? The world gets hotter. There's never a static temperature for earth from 65 million years ago to today. When they do core samples. It does this all throughout history.

B
The question is, how much of an impact do we have? Have it on it. We know we're having some impact. That's what they know. These are snowfall totals for Central park over the last.

C
I mean, it goes back while. But these are just last 25 years. 2.3 and 7.5. Those are the lowest two at the bottom. But it's been low before.

I mean. Yeah, 2.5 in 2019. 2006. Yeah, it's low there .8 just a couple years ago. 2.6 in 2006.

A
Oh, that's just January. You're looking 0.2 in 2011. No, you're looking just a month. The total are on the right side. Oh, say, I'm sorry.

Yeah, 2.3. It's been high. It's been low. It's been up and down. But here's the thing.

B
If you make some crazy decisions that are going to destroy the economy, you make some wild decisions that are going to destroy the economy and enrich giant corporations, but nothing changes because it just keeps going up and down. You got to be fucking careful. Yeah. These eggheads are not. China and India are not.

They're going. It's all out bore, right? Mostly them. And their economy is going to grow because of it. China went crazy, though, on environment.

What are you talking about? They just built 200 new coal powered plants. Whoa. I thought they were cleaning up all their pollution. No, they're talking shit.

A
Because their air is so bad. They're like, we got to do something here. They figured out some ways to mitigate that. And they're also developing gigantic filters, so they're like the size of an apartment building. Wow.

B
Yeah. I read the china coal plant thing one time. It said they're making a bunch, but they're all smaller. Yeah, whatever. Tiny one, my friend.

C
More efficient is all. I mean, like, smaller, I'm sure, but it doesn't matter. They're still making coal plants. Like coal plants. No.

B
No matter what the fuck you do, you're burning coal, you're releasing particulates. And that shit gets over cars. There's that. Where was it in Indiana? Is that where it was?

We saw that document on this one area that has three coal plants within, like, a 30 miles radius. And these people's cars have, like, a thin, like, black, sooty layer on them. So you're breathing that in. You go jogging outside, you're just taking in particulates. I mean, my family's from, like, the coal region in Pennsylvania.

D
It's rough, dude. Centralia, bro. You ever hear about that place? Never heard of it. It's still on fire.

A coal mine caught on fire. We've had the videos on the show multiple times. It's been on fire since the fifties or something. What, just burning coal up there to go up there? It's just an abandoned area, like a silent hill.

It's fucking kind of scary. The coal caught fire underground. Scared though. And there's so much cold that the coal stayed on fire forever. I don't get scared.

C
What about the Palestine? Ohio? Didn't they have something? No, that was a spill. Those railroad tracks?

D
Yeah, that's bad. That wasn't even a problem, dude, don't worry about it. It could burn for another 250 years for the exhaust. The coal supply rules. Want to see a video?

B
It's fucking nuts. There's like holes in the ground. Smoke is coming out. Highway. They abandoned everything.

D
It's pretty bad. Never ending fire. So the whole town is stuck. And so everybody had to move out of the town. Thing got bigger.

B
Yeah, you're dream. You're breathing toxic fumes all day. Everybody had to just bail. Oh, it's funny. Shane Torres was headlining Centralia comedy.

D
No, it's doing Harrisburg comedy zone. And I was hosting and I was like, you want to go see centrally? And we went in between shows. It was nice. How far?

Friday, Saturday? It's probably like 40 minutes north. Yeah. Wow. It's fun.

B
Going to smell like when you're outside, you notice it. But. But then every once while you see a crack in the ground with smoke, didn't you know? This is crazy. Put a grate over it, throw some burgers down.

D
Somebody drew a. A bunch of dicks on a highway for like a mile straight. It's pretty fun. Just spray painted an abandoned highway with dicks. Speaking of hamburgers on the grill, did you see that photo of Chuck Schumer grilling in his backyard with like, raw hamburgers and no fire?

C
He deleted it. He took a photo. It's so nice to be it out here grilling burgers was. He had like a photo shaking a fake thing. Yeah.

B
So the grill was not on. The burgers were fucking like old gray looking burgers. He's got like a smile on his face. It's like this. It's almost like an AI picture.

A
We got the shot. Go back and see. Yeah, this is him. So like, there's no heat at all in that grill. Look at those.

B
Look down at the grill. The cheese is still rock hard. Try to find fire. There's no. No smoke, nothing's happening.

That's not the best picture. I've seen a more high resolution photo of it online, and as you get it, they're like, there's no fire. Chuck Schumer lives like that with his neighbors right next to him. These have bur. Unless those are fake.

Those are good dogs. Great. The burgers are trouble. Yeah, the burgers are bullshit. I don't know what's going on with the dogs.

C
Decent tits, though.

B
That's actually a pretzel. Pelosi. Close in on that, Jamie, that's a. I can't get any closer. Okay, find a better photo.

There's a little higher. Resolute. I thought that was fire, too, and I zoomed in. It looks like a pretzel that's stuck between the grates. He's got his readers on the right.

Check to see. I might be wrong. I don't think I am, though. See if you can find a more high resolution photo as you zoom in. I thought it was fire.

Like, oh, the fire is underneath there. He just put the burgers down. Oh, it's got grill marks on it. It's like, a little bit. Those wieners are right out of the package.

C
They come like that. The people making fun of them join. The fight for free spirit. Just goes, no, thanks. First of all, that's the grill marks you have on that patty.

B
You don't know how to fucking cake cook. Yeah, you flip that damn communist because you. You're cooking a hamburger only for tv or for the Internet. You're not really cooking a hamburger to eat. Yeah, I can't respect your fake game.

D
Think about, like. Think about who grills when you see, like, comedians do the social media route. Think how bad politicians like, trying to like people around you being like, dude, that's fucking lame. Break that down. AOC at the border crying.

Yeah. And it was like, you know, Condoleezza, whatever. The vice president. No, whoever. The ladies.

A
Kamala Harris. She's clapping and singing along to a song that was like, burn America down. No, no, no. They were talking about her. She's a dumb bitch.

And she's like, yeah. And then someone had informer. They're actually yelling out, Kamala Harris is a dumb bitch. That's gotta hurt. Like, oh, well, that's not nice at all.

B
Well, let's change my mind. Let's keep moving. It's like when you think you're killing it, they're fucking repeating jokes. You are killing. You were killing and repeating jokes at the same time.

They're hiding. That lady was last time. Yeah, I think she's sucking out some of Joe Biden's dementia. Did you see Jimmy Kimmel doing that thing with Barack Obama and Joe Biden? What are they doing?

Like, Jimmy don't like, show with them. He brings them out and they do like a show. Like a fundraiser. Yeah, deal. Sitting on a stage.

D
Yeah, in a theater. And then Obama has to walk Joe Biden off the stage. Imagine if they just changed the rules and said, you could keep running if you win. There's no term limits anymore. This is a crazy job.

B
It's very hard to do. And Obama decides to run again. He'd be like, oh, he wins like that. Joe, step out. Obama wins like that.

Oh, yeah, people like Obama, they just changed that law. If they just changed that law, the. Chairman lost all his. Hey, I'm friends with Obama cred, bro. He's on his own now.

I'm a competent human being who's not dying threat. It's crazy going to rural Australia and talking to people like, how do you, how do you rate Joe Biden? And I was like, I don't rate them at all. I don't follow politics. And they're like, nice.

C
Well, Australia's got some problems too. They had like a men behaving badly clause or whatever. You see that? What do you mean? Pull it up?

There was something about how they're like, we gotta redefine men and change everything, bro. They went woke. They went hard woke. Never would have thought. Never would have thought that would have worked.

B
The problem is the type of people that get into office are always nuts. And those type of people are the people that are like, going to get the university kids behind him and we're gonna push a progressive. That's just politics. Yeah, Australia's not woke. Australia's dirt bags.

You're right, it's not Australia, but it's Australia politics. It's the Florida of the world. But it's always a fucking tyrannical few that are opposing people, being able to just do whatever the fuck they want. If you australian people are wild, they're fun people, man. What you're talking about, maybe.

C
What is it? Australia's men behavior change program. That's it? Yeah, what is it? Behavior change program.

B
Services for men towards their female partner, including violence, course of control and verb. If this does doesn't involve mushrooms, then they should shut the fuck up. You got to take classes or something. Yeah, that's not going to work. That's a bummer.

Any classes you'd have to take that would get you through, like, one, five grand. Joy. Diaz had to take one class, and he avoided Seattle for 20 years. He's still avoiding it.

A
One class of, like, don't be so rageful with strangers. He goes, I'll just leave the whole west coast. Well, not only that, in Seattle, you could basically do anything. They let you write a. Out of jail.

B
It's so crazy. And they're getting him for, like, what did he do? Parental stuff when it was like, 70 years ago. I think he hit a guy. Yeah, I think a guy.

His ex wife. Anger management, I think, was one of those things. Yeah. I feel like you're allowed to hit that guy. It depends on who the guy is.

It depends on who you are. But I support Joey Diaz staying out of Seattle. Seattle doesn't deserve him. He should deserve Spokane, though. He's a good Spokane.

Spokane's a shit. You know. What else is this shit? Tacoma. Tacoma.

I did Tacoma with Dave. We did Tacoma dome. Yeah. That's biggest show ever saw. Monster truck rally there.

D
Yeah, comedy club. I went to the Tacoma dome for a monster truck. I didn't know monster trucks were just for kids.

B
Retarded people are allowed to go to. True, David. I broke the attendance record there. We did 25,000 people there. It was the nutty show ever, ever did.

We were backstage, like, right before when we first did the first few shows. What would happen is I would do my set and Dave would have a DJ in between. He had, like, this whole thing. Like, DJ's people would play in music and shit. And so the DJ would introduce him.

So I got offstage, and the DJ starts playing music, and Dave and I are standing there, and he just looks out. He goes, not a lot of motherfuckers get to do this. Wow. We were just looking at it. It's a fuck such.

It's like one of the coolest moments ever that I still remember. The other one was when Dave. The audience did not know Dave was gonna go on stage. I was doing. I was doing an arena in Columbus with Hinchcliffe and I think Hans Klim.

Hans. No. Yeah, maybe Brian crim. Was it. Was it Hans?

A
Hans? Might have been both of them. Anyway, we're doing this giant ass arena in Columbus, and Dave shows up while Tony's on stage. And Tony doesn't even know whether or not he's gonna bring up me or Dave. I go, Dave's coming.

Cause he said he heard he's coming. Is thinking he's bringing me up. But I'm walking with Dave up to the stage. And the audience realizes at a certain point that Dave's walking the stage, and it is a minute standing ovation. Damn.

B
Like, one solid minute. And me and Tony were just sitting there like, wow. Just looking around like, this is amazing. It's like we were on a drug. Like, this is, how many times do you get to see, like, one person generate this kind of love and just cool to see.

Watch this, watch this. This is Tony introducing him. I think we watched this last time.

So he thinks it's me right now.

A
And two of the best in the world.

Look at Tony rolling with. They go bigger when they, they see him.

B
Bro. One whole minute. That's a super bowl. What happened to the video? Tony's so happy.

Yeah, what happened to the video? Froze. Just froze. So trust me, it was one, who. Was a super roll for those people.

It was one whole minute. And then he points to the mic, he goes, oh h, it's fun. It was amazing. It's Tony roll with that fast, too, because he's bringing you up in the middle. He goes, one of my best.

A
He goes, I'm bringing up one of the greatest comics, and it's instantly, he goes, two of my best friends. He changed like that. He rolled fast. Yeah, he rolled fast. I saw it and changed.

B
Well, he knew we had a thing. Like, if it's Dave, come towards the stage with a light, so I'll see your cell phone light. So I had the cell phone light and I was waving it towards him, and he saw the two of us as we were walking up. That's one of my best friends. Two of the best comedians of the.

World, right in that moment. That's cool to think you went from the shitty Boston rooms to that. That's the cool thing about comedy. You can really, my favorite of those. Is hosting at the cellar.

A
She had me host for a while, and then she goes, you don't like hosting, do you? I'm like, no, I shouldn't be hosting a cigar. But I brought on Louie at his height at like, 2016, 2015. And I was like, and we're already friends, but I was like, please, you know, pop in. Please welcome Louie.

And it's so fucking nuts in 140 seater. And I was like, do they always do this for you? And he goes, what?

C
That's fun. When Dave came to the mothership, when the first week it was open, that was the same kind of deal, too. We had just started. Yeah, opened for him. That's right.

D
Bombed in little boy. No, he did not bomb. You're lying. You're lying. Not true.

A
Shane bomb was like an a minus. No, it was. You didn't even remotely bomb that wasn't set. It was just the first time anyone had ever, ever step foot on that stage. You were the first person to talk into that microphone in front of an audience.

D
It was a stressful situation because Joe introduced it. And then I went up, and then I could. You could just tell everyone in, and it was all just friends, you know what I mean? It wasn't like a regular crowd. Like, it was Chappelle and all his people.

Rogan back there. And then I got up there, I was like, you're lying. You're lying. We sold the tickets online, on Twitter. In five minutes, there's a special intimate show tonight at 11:00 30.

B
Come down. Had like 20 people. Well, he had. He always. He always has.

D
There's 20 people in the back. But the place was packed. It was 110 people stuffed into the small room, and no one knew who the show was. I just said, it's a special surprise intimate show, and the place sold out, and so they didn't even know who they were seeing. Why so they see you?

B
Because he wanted to do little room, the big room, the night before, and just wanted to fuck around, and no one had done because he walked in. He's like, man. He's like, when are you gonna open up this big room? And I go, you want to do it tomorrow night? You want to do it tonight?

He's like, let's do it. So it was like, that simple. So I was like, okay, we're gonna open up the big room. So the wait staff, everybody's brand new. Everyone's just, like, getting going.

We'd only been open a day, you know, I mean, maybe a couple days. We just started fire. We started with the whole idea was, we're gonna open up once. We're gonna do one show, we're gonna figure out what happens, see how everything goes, what we need to tighten up, and then do two shows, see how that goes. So we went with one show a night, and we said, okay, we're gonna try two shows a night.

And then we did a couple of these shows like that, and we never stopped. We never did the break. We just kept going. We kept going thinking that the rah rah Rahness of it would fade away in a month or two, and it just hasn't at all, bro. I forget to post images sometimes.

The tickets are on sale, and I go, let me go check the website. They're fucking sold. Out, like, immediately. It's. Me and Mark did a show last night, and they were like, I mean, they put up a week ago, and then they were like, our tickets are on sale this.

A
And it's 14 minutes gone. Damn. That never happens to me. It's crazy. It's.

A block of cheese would sell out there. There's a bunch of, like, hardcore comedy fans, and they're fucking honest with their laughs too. They're honest with their laughs too. They know when you're not really getting right, and they know when you are, like, when you really, like, go for something. The thing is, they come.

If you're an audience member, you come going like, hey, it's gonna be a good night, and you're gonna leave. At minimum, going, oh, that one guy was really good. The other guy. And then they see some. Someone, they suddenly.

It's like, Tim Dillon. And they're like, great. Yeah, yeah. Like a Theo von. Yeah.

Anybody they know, it's like, even better. Yeah, bro. Theo Von got popped the other day. Holy shit. What do you mean?

B
He went on stage? They went crazy. This is one of the biggest comics in the world. No one gives a crazy response in Joey Diaz. When Joey Diaz went on the other day, literally, people, like, bouncing around in the crowd like it was a mosh bin.

A
Excited for each other. Like, you and your buddy are there, and, like, we did it. Yeah, we got everyone. Joey's here. Yeah.

C
Damn. Have you gone to Dave's club? I have not, but I will. I definitely will. I heard his restaurant's insane.

Restaurant? Yeah. He's got a restaurant connected to it with some amazing five star chef that he loves, that he brought to yellow Springs to work at his restaurant. Comedy's in a crazy space. It's so funny.

A
These grown up children have hundreds of millions of dollars. See what they do with it. Yeah, right? Bizarre. Damn.

C
Well, the Brady roast is, like. It's crazy to see that much mainstream, like, the biggest quarterback and the biggest comedians are interacting. So where's the Brady roast? Was the number one show in Netflix history. Really?

B
And your fucking stupid watch went off at the perfect time. The number one show was dirty comedy in the history of Netflix. That's right. That's it. There you go.

The number one show. Nikki Glaser, Andrew Schultz, Tony Hinchcliffe, everybody. Going hard. Hard show in Netflix history. Love it.

Fuck, yeah. Most of that was yours. All right, we're back to that Sarandos quick rig. They know. He knows.

C
Okay. Sarandos is a good man, actually. He's kind of bro. He's a good man. Yeah, he's a good man.

A
I saw him backstage. I didn't know he was. And he was just, like, looking at me backstage of the forum for Tony, and he's like, turns around. I just thought he was some guy, and he's like, what are you doing? I'm like, I'm cutting a hole in a Kobe Bryant jersey so I can put my dick through it.

It's like, come out of the forum. And he's like, oh, cool. Who was that guy? Like, he runs Netflix. I'm like, oh, that's that guy.

D
You didn't know shit. You worked for him.

B
You did a fucking two part special for him. Yeah, it's true. But two special. A two part special. But that's comedy.

C
That's what comedy's supposed to be. He was there for it. Well, that's what comedy's supposed to. That's what comedy can be if you let it go as. Well, wild as it should.

Yes. You got to try. The only way you find out what the limits are is you let Brian Holtzman on stage. Oh, you find out what the limits are. We got Brian Holtzman on our stage all the fucking time.

B
And we have him. He's a limit tester. We have a headline. Instead of putting him at the end of the night, we have Brian's. Brian's headlining.

A
That is the end of. In the big room. But, no, he's doing regular shows. And it's not like, a long show where it's two in the morning. You finally get to see him, and he goes crazy.

B
No, he does whatever the fuck. That's how it. When we started, that's where he was. He. Tommy relegated him.

A
He used to be just somewhere towards the end, but still, like, second. But he. So I didn't know who he was. I was in LA. So you see he's, like, in a polo shirt, buttoned up.

C
Yeah. Is there another show, another song that we can go with? Other than that, what's another one? How about that one that the bull ran out to? Yeah, that's a good one.

B
Thank you, art. Perfect. Perfect to be in America, so at least I know I'm free. Jamie, please cue it up. At least.

C
The hostages. Oh, Jesus. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Norman, you're not even really jewish right now. Norman's not.

B
Everybody thinks you are. Everyone thinks I'm a jew. Keep this. Come on. I kind of suck at it.

Oh, you want to do it with us? You want a knife? I got a knife. I'll do it there. What do you guys shotgunning?

You gotta open it. Oh, nice, Norman. That's better than the eagle. I like a shotgun. Shut your fucking dirty mouth.

D
This is the right in the middle. Interesting. Here we go. Are you gonna. Why are you gonna cut his mouth with that fucking terrible shitty job you did?

B
Yeah. What are you doing? My lip, but no, sorry. You drink out of the hole. You don't drink.

D
You don't drink out of. No, you don't. All right. You drink out of the hole. Yeah.

B
You fucking idiot. Fair enough. You need. You doubted though. You doubted yourself for a second.

I did. Yeah. I'm not much of a fucking.

You son of a bitch. You said confidence. I almost believed it. There you go.

Mister Norman. He needs his lips. Sweet. Sweet. Some jagged edge dude.

D
Fuck this. No, no. Shut the fuck up. I'm proud to be an American. I am.

Honestly, I am. Here we go, here we go.

We're still number one. We're number one.

B
We're number one in comedy by a long stretch. Suck at England. Sit down. Finish it, Mark. Do it.

Use it out. They gotta do. Every time. Direction.

Big hole. If we go down, boys, we're gonna go down having a good ass. Yeah, everybody knows, but not everybody lives. We gotta get in that bunker. We're gonna have new suits.

D
I thought about the bunker, I thought about sitting there. Lemaire lives with me. I thought about being like, bunk it up. Him being like, can I go maybe on? I don't know, dude, you're like, Lamar, this place is yours now.

A
Apart, Lamar, you're really fall apart in. A bunker would eat all the crackers. He would eat a lot of the. Early sneaking off for food. Things like crackers.

B
You're gonna need like sustaining food. You need stuff that lasts on a shelf forever that could just keep you alive. Tuna. And you need iodine tablets. You need a lot of iodine tablets.

C
This is why we need you. I don't know. You need tablets you can drop in regular water so you could drink it. It's gonna taste like shit, but you're gonna have to drink it just to stay alive. You might have to drink your own piss.

D
And we need to kill ourselves. No, no, I need to cyanide. We start, need to start eating assholes. Ah, too late.

B
I'm on it. When we catch a shitty person, we gotta eat them. Yeah, that's the way to go. You ever eat people? Not yet.

What? Well, I wanted to eat a coyote once. These coyotes were killing my chicken and I had this idea I set up a bird's nest, one on my balcony. No, I would have. Work will set you free.

This is my plan. This coyote's had a bunch of my chickens, man. So I tied one of the dead chickens to a vase, like, a big ceramic vase, and I put it 30 yards off of this ledge. And I sat on the ledge with my bow. And I was walking.

The coyote was coming. And my daughter was five at the time. Starts yelling, coyote. It's a coyote. I had this motherfucker.

I had him. He was coming in, he was sneaking around. She made a chicken. Oh, yeah. I was gonna eat them.

I was gonna. I was gonna cut it. Straps off. And I was gonna barbecue it. I was gonna grill it.

And then after I grilled it, I was gonna take a shit in a hefty bag. I had a plan. What? And I was gonna throw the hefty bag over the fence like, there's your friend, bitch. Whoa.

Not a plan. Now you gotta skin that thing. I was gonna skin it. I would have been cute. Coyotes are normal food.

Can eat it. It's not good. Stop doing. You just have to make sure that you. You really cook the shit out of it to get all the parasites and trichinosis out of it.

C
What the fuck are you pissing in? What are you pissing. What are you doing? I was just. Go to the bathroom.

Shift together. Just go back again. Go to the bathroom. You know who's got to touch these? Jamo has to touch that.

B
Yeah, he doesn't like that. He doesn't like it. No one. What do you pee? Why would you.

D
And why would anyone. What is it? What is the object that you're pissing into? A. Trying to fucking help Shane with his.

B
Oh, come on, Ari. That's so gross. That's so gross. So nice to throw that. Don't do it anymore.

Just go outside and piss outside. You can go to the bathroom. Sucks. That sucks what you just did. I was mad that we don't have a bathroom right outside the door.

C
What if your bathroom right outside the house. I love the walk out to the bathroom. It's not that bad of a walk on. The sun's out. You see those guys, you go, holy shit.

Oh, yeah. It's really important. You have to dig into the concrete and lay new pipes so you don't have to walk ten steps. How much do you piss on your hands? Dirty bastard.

B
Ari's pissed in my hand. My podcast studio, more than any human being that's ever really. Probably by a mile. No one else probably zero is the. Second in a jug.

C
You pissed in here? Has anybody else pissed in? Yeah. No, no one else. You pissed in a picture?

B
That's right. You're number two water pitcher that we currently use. We had to wash it out. Oh no, we should eventually wash this out. You use that again.

Cheers. Just pissed.

A
Just. Damn. I didn't ever knew Jamie hated you till that. True. You hate me?

D
Yeah, he's got you. Who fucking. Who cleaned up my pew to be an american? I think we actually made you clean it up. The puke.

B
Yeah, that. No way. You remember when you like slept on the floor and I went out there and played pool for like 3 hours and then finally you woke up. I came out, I came out. I can't sleep during a podcast.

A
And then I woke up and Joe's playing like with like three of the top five pool players in the world. Hey, buddy, I'm out of here. During a podcast is crazy. Yeah, we have pool players over here. We were having fun stumbling.

B
How you doing, man?

C
You slept there and did a show later. Awesome photos. Yeah, we really fucked with your head. The closet behind. Yeah, the stage is wild.

That I got. I got it. I got a good hour of. Sometimes it's gotta go. I laid.

B
Gotta go down. It's gotta happen the way it happens. Yeah, sometimes you gotta lay down where you are. I tried to stand up. I couldn't do it.

D
All right, this is it.

B
Cubbyhole behind the comedy club.

A
So much story equipment. I swear to God, that club's alive. It's a fun time. I looked in the cubby. It's like clean as a whistle.

B
I think it's. I think the club's alive. When I. When I first walked into that building, I was like, whoa. Kind of vibe.

It's been around for so long. When you have a building that's been around for almost a hundred years, is. They had a feeling inside of it. Like the first place I went to, the cult house that I almost built. That place was dope.

Did you ever see the cult place? I still think about buying it. It was a. Is that the one that sunk in the sewage? No, no.

I'll tell you the whole story. Off air. There's an issue. There's a couple of issues, but not issues that couldn't be fixed. I thought about doing, like, if we get crazy big, like if we keep growing to have, like, you know how like Mitzi had the Westwood comedy store not far away.

Not far away. I thought about doing that. I thought about doing. I like that idea. Another one?

A
Because you got, like, you can't. You can only really have one, a level headliner in town the weekend. That's a great idea. So if you know another thing I thought about. Yeah.

B
Buying a theater. I've talked to you. Don't say the name. But I thought about buying a theater in town and having, like, big name headliners in every weekend. That's a great theater.

Yeah. And also the idea is, like, you're always gonna be able to have, like, top level comics come in and do theaters. So you have them come and do theaters. You have them available for pop ins any night of the week. Come on by.

We're all friends. And then you have to take that fucking terrible live nation deal where they fucking rob the shit out of you. I don't care. I don't. For the money.

D
I agree. I mean it. For funsies. No, I'm saying it would be nice as a comic to not have to say that, hey, we get the first. 85%, but I do stuff with Live Nation.

B
I don't like it. What's going on with them right now? Getting sued? I'm in it for funsies. Yeah.

That's what I'm in it for. I don't. There's not enough time in the world for me to pay attention. I feel bad about the scalping. Okay, well, I don't do that.

But here's one thing that I don't do. I don't do that thing where they, like, scalp on purpose. Like where some, like, Bruce Springsteen, a lot of these, like, fucking. Oh, yeah, do it. You talk to me about that, and then I talk to you about that.

D
Yeah, the. Whatever that program is. Artists, they raise the price. No, if somebody scalps, there's an option for the artist. To the artist.

Jesus, I'm good. You know what I mean? That's good. That's how they walk. I'm talking to do what?

You can make the money. So, like, let's say. So I put my tickets on sale for, like, $40. Yeah. Somebody scalps it and sells 300.

C
Yep. I get the 300. How do you get exactly what the program is? No, the program is different. The program is.

B
You have, like, a platinum thing where the, like, really nice tickets are, like, go for crazy money because everybody knows Taylor Swift is the bomb diggity. So they want to pay for it. So they go, whatever. The scalpers are selling us for a thousand. I'm not interested.

If someone scalps, they scalp. That's just how the world works. No, you have that thing where you're like, you have to show your id. The person who bought it, the club. That cuts down at the beginning of.

The club, it was a real issue. So what we came up with at the club. So. So at the club, if safety, if you wanted to buy 100 tickets to my club, if you just were a wild dude, want to buy 100 tickets, sell them for a $1,000 each. Meanwhile, you could just do that.

And if you didn't have to show your. Your id and who you are, you would be able to, like, resell the those tickets. So you can resell them for, like, some guy comes from Scotland. I want to see a show out. Fuck.

I flew all the way over here. How much? A $1,000. Okay, like, I'll go online. I'll do whatever.

I'll find some website. I'll buy the tickets. We have it so that if you buy. If Ari Shafir buys two tickets, you have to show your license. You're you.

I look at your face, facial recognition, I know who you are. And then you get to buy two tickets. And those are only your tickets. You can't really resell them. You can't resell them to Bob for $500.

You can't do any of that. But the idea is like, stop thinking about money. So much money is only fun coupons. But you're a zillionaire. No, no, no.

A
But you also think about the money of the customer. But that's also. I'm not thinking about making more money. Sure. We're talking them getting screwed.

B
I made the club specifically to break even. My thought is I just don't want to lose any money. I want to make it the best environment for comedy and not lose money. And that's my goal. I want to pay people well, have a good time.

That's my goal. But one of the ways you did that was to stop that scalping. Yes. Well, that's for the audience paying a fair price. The audience doesn't have to feel like shit.

It's. I know it's hard to get tickets, but at least you're not going to get fucked, right? It'll be harder to get tickets if you're coming from Japan. Yeah, it's harder. I'm sorry.

A
Yeah, but everyone buying a ticket is intending to come. That human being that buys two tickets, you're on a date, you got your tickets. That's it. It's popular. That's it.

B
And yeah, there's only 250 seats. Okay, that's just what it is. But at least no one's getting fucked, right? The people that are there, everybody there is gonna have, like, a fair, great time, great waitstaff, great nice people. Managing everybody's fun.

A
That's what I mean. But though, if you go see a music show with someone you like, and you're like, okay, these are $240 tickets. You get one and one, one for your friend, and then it's like, you owe us $130 and you're like, wait. What do you mean? Oh, with all their tick.

With all the master shit saying. It's an. It's quite annoying. Yeah. But it's also.

You avoid that. The scalping. You think they would do something about the scalping? Bro, they all those. But also, as someone with money, someone's coming to town and I find out Roger Waters is in town and I don't have his number.

B
And I can get tickets for like, $500 online. Like, oh, shit. Yeah. When we buy them. Yeah.

D
But I feel bad if somebody comes to my show and like I said, I set my tickets as low as possible because it's like seeing me in a theater. I did. You know, it's not a comedy club. It's like, make it $40. You just have to make it so that the people have their id to get the tickets.

A
That's the way to do it. But why wouldn't Ticketmaster? It's hard to do. Get it done. Because they have a vested interest in making the most money possible.

B
They're public. They also did a thing where they sold off, like, 10% of their tickets to another ticketing company they own so that they could sell it for twice as much. Yeah, and AEG or whatever the dorphin one caught them. Listen, man, coke doesn't snort itself, okay? Whores don't get paid with hugs.

We gotta go.

You ever had a hug when you haven't had a hug in forever? When I first met La, when I was working on a tv show, I had no friends and I would just go to the comedy store and go to work. And this lady that I work with at the sitcom that I was doing, she gave me a hug and it was like I needed it. You got wood? No, I didn't get wood.

I got like, oh. Oh, yeah. Like, it was a nice. It was a nice hug. Like, hi, how are you?

She gave me a hug. I was like, thank you. Did your dad hug? I felt so much better. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My family's loved. Theo used to be a hugger. They're very lovely, professional hugger. My parents are very very loving and huggy and. Yeah, I think that's when people don't do that with their kids.

Like, God damn. Trying tough for my kid. Up hug life. You know, that's how you give hugs from. For, like, that was part of a program.

A
He would hug people? Yeah. Huh? I'm not making it up. That's weird.

He was like a cuddler and a hugger. How old were these people? Some pretty old lady thing. Some pretty old. Yeah.

B
Ladies is nice. Like a cuddler. When an old lady hasn't gotten a hug in a while and you give her one, she like, yeah. It was a program to help people who needed contact. My dad would do the shoulder tap.

C
Give me a little shoulder that you. Didn'T get a hug. That's what happened. They're there now. Yeah, that's what happened.

Mom hugged, but dad would be like. Nah, my family's Italian. They're all huggers. Oh, yeah. Everybody's hugging.

My dad's autistic. Hugging's important. Touch is important. People that are weird with touch. It's like such a strange thing.

A
Gerard and that guy who died, that accident, Josh Adamires friend. They brought hugging back into LA comedy scene. Really? Yeah. What do you mean they brought it back?

B
We always hugged. It was like they started hugging all the time. Hugging who? We? You and I hugged each other.

We were there first, bitch. I think we started hugging afterwards. Shut the fuck up. They would just do a firm hand shot. We hugged from the get go.

This video of it. Shut your mouth. But they did it too, which is great. Who? Just greed.

A
Everyone. Everybody with hugs. You didn't know. Later, Freddie Soto. Freddie Soto started brother.

Sorry, brother. Yeah, brother. Hey, brother. Freddy Soto had, like, a logic behind it. He's like, I remember we were talking.

B
You and I were talking about it, and Freddie was like, you know, I call people brother because, like, it's the best thing you say to somebody. You're not just my friend, you're my brother. My brother. I'm saying sorry. I'm sorry.

I don't have any brothers. Oh, really? No, yeah, he would. Yeah. He'd be like, you're my brother.

A
In comedy or whatever, he just call people brothers. He's like, it makes people feel better. He was like, it makes people feel better. And I was like, that's a great philosophy. And I adopted it.

B
I call everybody brother. Yeah, I like that. Ian Edwards brought the. When he's fam. I know, it's like, yeah, but he was like, family.

A
What's that fam? Oh, yeah. Ian always calls. I am famous. You just found one black guy.

I know. It's cool to have one black friend. He's a vegan. Very cool. Is he poor?

B
He's always talking. Who's Ian? Ian Edwards. Hilarious. Hilarious comic.

Always tired. I had a series of photographs that I would get with him whenever we do the road together. I'd catch Ian sleeping on a plane. Fucking vegans. And then one time he caught me, and it was hilarious.

I was out there and he had this giant smile on his face, and he's filming me sleeping. You motherfucker. I got you once. I got you once in the Twitter days. It was.

A
It was right when we were taking off. Oh, that's it.

But two glasses.

C
That'S hard. You got sunbeams in your eyes. I didn't give a fuck. I got rogue. I just took a picture you sleeping and tweeted, like, do what you will with this mouth open like that.

A
And you landed to a thousand cocks. Just giant cocks. The hulk stick, all kinds. I do love a good plane nap. Oh, my God.

B
There's something about planes. So I can fall asleep, like, immediately, as soon as on takeoff, I'm like, I know I got nothing to do. I'm not in control. Go to sleep. Yep.

D
My mouth has never been more open. Yes. That. Sleeping, sitting upright on a plane. Just.

C
Yeah. Imagine being the guy on 911. Like, oh, finally, I'm out. Wake up to screaming terrorists. Like, wait, what?

B
Jesus Christ. Jesus Christ. The guys sleeping in the car and the four. Hey, his mic went out. Jamie.

A
Oh, yeah. I thought it was me. Kick something down there. Yeah, come over. We're back.

B
We back happen. Yeah, we're good. I think I touched something. Oh, is that what it is? The bottom thing?

C
Okay, that was my fault. But the guy's sleeping in the car, and then the four guys go, one, two, get to a wreck.

A
Ever seen the drag a fucking inflatable bed out into a river?

It's like you're in a lake now and you wake up. That's so dangerous. What if someone doesn't know how to swim, Gator? It's really far from the shore, and you can't figure out how to get back up on the raft because you're sloppy out of shape. Yeah, fucking dangerous, man.

I'll do it to someone who doesn't. Yeah, but if someone doesn't pull themselves back on the raft, they're fucked. Nice. Just get rid of them. That's like Moses.

B
And they're panicking. Yeah, it would take like five minutes to figure out how you got there. And you're like, wait, no, I was somewhere else and I'm wet. You ever live. Do the air mattress life?

A
What is that? Like, have one. Oh, yeah. And live on it. Had a futon.

C
Oh, futons. Roughly. You hate your life when you have a futon. Yeah, you want to. You want to get out of bed, you fucking poor bitch?

B
Get out there and get something done. I slept on a futon. I got so much done because. It comes up like, thank God. Yeah, like, let's get out of this fucking shitty bed.

C
And then you had to turn into a couch, cuz. Living room. Doubled up. Yeah, doubled up, yeah. We ever fuck a lady on an air mattress?

B
Yep. Yeah. Well, first of all, when you walk in with them, they're like, oh, man, it's gonna be one of those nights. One of those nights. She's just sad.

She's made poor choices. You're willing to fuck me on this. Mattress or let me fuck you? So we had an air mattress in the living room. Do you know how they find bedbugs on beds?

D
Beagles? No.

Yeah, they bring in a beagle. You go, what the. Really? The beagle works. They use an iron.

B
So they take an iron and they roll it over the mattress, and the heat makes the bed bugs rise to the surface and they just start popping out. So disgusting. Fucking nasty. Beagles can be trained to sniff out bed bugs. How the fuck did.

Did you know that? Cause I had bed bugs and a guy brought a beagle in. I was like, wow, we're fucked. Why beagles? Beagles are particularly good at distinguishing scents.

A
They're good at smelling drugs. They're the drug dogs at the airports. Oh, yeah. Damn. Well, usually they look for bombs, which makes you like, go, yeah, I had.

A beagle sit in front of me in Australia once when I landed. What? Looked and stared at me. You had a beagle sit in front. Of you when I landed.

C
That's an ugly lady. Just sat down and just stared at me. And I was like, oh, cute Beagle. Then the fucking border patrol. What do you got in the bag?

A
And I was like, fuck. Piss. No, I had drugs.

I had weed, I think. Did they get. You get in trouble? No, because they said, do you have any fruit? And I was like, oh, yes, I do.

And they're like, must be that. Go along. Oh, nice. I was like, halfway. Well, they don't give a fuck about weed, especially looking at a guy like you.

B
You're not some international drug dealer. Yeah, but if you have like, a car tire filled with coke, you know, they take that and they'll, like, take a car tire and they'll take it off of the wheel and then they'll stuff coke in there and they'll put a little bit of air and then drive that bitch in and the fucking Belgian Malinois will get right up to. The tire, get foiled by a dog.

Carl does not like my dog bark. Carl's junior. Watch this. I'll do a real one.

C
Oh, shit. It works. Look at him. It's ready to go to war. That's a good looking bitch.

B
Perfect. Fuck you, bitch.

A
So cute. Oh, he woke up. He looks intense. So he's gonna fuck me up. Carl has no idea how big he is.

B
He's never been harmed, so he has no idea that he can be right. So he runs at you and bites your fingers with, like, impunity. Do you want a piece of this? Yeah. Come on, bitch.

He weighs three pounds. You're the size of my ankle. What does Carl weigh? Twelve. He's twelve pounds.

Twelve pounds. Jamie was a proud twelve. My dick weighs twelve. He's twelve and he is over there parking America. That's yours.

Are. He just did one. What do you mean, bud? I'll do another one for the troops. You gotta remember we got a show tonight for the troops.

D
Who has. What do you got, mouse in your pocket books? We. Come on, you pussy's gonna back out. What else we doing?

B
We're gonna have some fun. Let's try a different song. We might have to get a. What's another good american song would be good today? Food would be nice.

A
How about Buck cherry to be an american? Oh, that's. That one would be nice. But the ba. Oh, I know it.

The drop. The drop is long drop, though. Yeah. How about start it? Start up buck cherry lit up.

C
I got one cherry. Hold on. Three six mafia. Sipping on some scissor. Not so.

B
Is this one to ball? Oh, yeah, this is a good one. Just takes a while. There's a good one. Yeah.

A
We can talk over it. Especially since this killed Bud Light. This is college. Bud Light's back. Kid's back.

D
They're friends now. He almost killed Bud Light, though. He put him in a chokehold, let him out. He shot it pretty hard. Oh, he killed that company.

B
My name is King. Yes.

Oh, wow.

A
Someone's flying a motorcycle over him. What year was this? 99. Probably 90. What?

C
Pre 911. Did you see Kid Rock's? Yeah. Rolling Stone thing? No, the thing in the middle fingers.

B
Rolling Stone thing he did. He did Rolling Stone interview and he started saying the worst shit ever, dropping n bombs. And he said, please print the worst article you can about me. It'll be good for me. It's only going to help my smartphone.

My complete disdain for Roland, just complete disdain. Ever see the video of him, like, driving a fucking rocket. Rocket ship over the moon, bro. When you got a guy like that that has that much money? He's a wild boy.

He's a wild boy. He can say. He facetimes, you know, be like, yo, there's a fucking monkey at my house holding a monkey. Then he facetime me a week later was like, there's a fucking deer here. What the fuck?

D
And next to him, there was a deer in his yard that he. They were just, it was a baby deer. He was just holding. And then it was in front of his orange Tesla. He got a Tesla truck.

Orange. He got the fucking general Lee Tesla truck. What? And he's holding a deer. He's like, this is fucking crazy.

It was just me and my dad in my car. I was like, this is my dad. He was like, hey, man. My dad was like, hello. I was like, dad, this is kid rock.

He's got a deer in front of a confederate flag. Wow. I don't think he has the flag on it. He's got the flag in the back. It does.

B
It's on the back. It's a cybertruck. It's a cybertruck confederate flag. You gotta respect that commitment. There's no denying the flag is on the back window.

D
Actually, it might be open. It might be on the trunk. Oh, so when you pull the trunk lid down, shows the flesh. So he can like, choose to. Yeah.

B
Represent. He's got a standing in it. Yeah. How many people got mad that he's got like, the generally code on an electric car, by the way? That's.

That's a fucking american car. They're fast as shit. All Tesla's are fastest. Yeah, the cheapest. Tesla will blow most muscle cars out of the fucking water.

C
Mmm. Those guys are kind of seat on the truck there on the back of the truck, on the bed. You know, they can't play that show on whatever network that owns it. They can't play that show anymore because the confederate flag on the roof. Wow, really?

B
Yeah, you never see dukes. It has a reruns. No, you don't. You would, you would. Don't play fact because that's on the roof.

Is that wild? It's crazy. It's wild. Meanwhile, they'll show fucking Amistad or roots all day. What about Hogan's heroes?

D
That's way. Can you still show Hogan's heroes? What was that about that? They had a fucking show, a comedy about a concentration camp. Yeah.

A
No, it was an internment camp. Yeah. They were idiots. The Nazis were kind of friends with the captives. They all interacted and, you know, kind of like, oh, Marty.

B
Like that. Kind of. Oh, man, Colonel Klink, he was an idiot. Don Barrist. We used to always fuck around about drew stuff at the end of the night, and he'd be like, I saw a documentary about the Holocaust.

A
It didn't seem that tough. I'm like, what was it called? He goes, Hogan's heroes.

D
Yeah. That show was a fucking sitcom, kid. Yeah, it was normal. It was only a few years after the war. If you really think about it, it.

A
Was a way of like, let's take it lightly. What year was Hogan's heroes? I want to say it was the seventies, right. So that would literally be like a jokey joke show about the invasion of Iraq now. Right?

B
Desert Storm. People needed a laugh. Or worse. Like. Right.

Yeah. First ever since 65. So, wow. 40 years later, 20 years later. 65, 20 years away, and that dude went crazy.

The dude who was the lead went crazy was that movie. But he did a lot of pornos. Yes. What was it? Combs?

A
No, not ray combs. No, no, no. Feud, probably. Fear. Yeah, I thought he would did that and then went on.

B
No, no, he was in family feud, but that was the other guy that was in family Feud. Okay. Near did a movie. I know this guy. Jamie will find it.

C
It's a normal name. Very standard name. So this dude, when he was off a Hogan heroes, he would Bob crank. He would just, like, find girls and film videos, and him and his partner would make porn together. And they got addicted to making porn with, like, random ladies.

B
And then his partner killed him. Why? How do he murdered him? What? That was the guy.

A
That guy was the guy he did it with. The guy he did the movies with. Yeah. Willem Dafoe's guy.

D
Green Goblin. Great. Who's hobgoblin, by the way? Huge hog on Dafoe. Really?

C
Yeah, they have to edit out his bulge. Oh, my God, such a hog. Wow. Pull it up. So back then, in 65, he's like.

The first tv star, right? Yeah. So this guy was probably on a fucking rampage. Oh, yeah. They know his buddy was filming.

A
Let's do some fun stuff. And then his buddy wound up killing. Yeah. Rogan's heroes. That's us.

D
Look at that. Look at that fucking show.

B
A comedy about nazis. Well, the producers. Springtime for Hitler. That was pretty close. He got a lot of shit cuz he's a jew.

Mel Brooks. That's right. Springtime for him. Jews really want to. What about that fucking one Jerry Lewis movie?

They can. They never really. Dictator. No, no, it was a movie about. It was a clown at a concentration camp.

C
Crying clown, something like that. And then they ended up doing that. Day for a clown. No, he made them similar to it. That one of the day the clown died.

B
It's the worst fucking movie the ever tried. 1972 never released due to myriad issues with the production never been made available in any form, leading to project to reach mythical status in the global filmmaker community. It's supposed to be like so offensive. Health. It's a clown.

Jerry Lewis is a clown. Irritating Holocaust kids that are on their way to the gas chamber.

A
Similar movie about that. That one. Like some award where the guys like, I'm gonna be like the happy guys. Like an Italian. Life is beautiful.

D
Life is beautiful. Beautiful. Roberto Benini ruled. What was Patch Adams? That was Patrick's clown.

A
Robin Williams. Robin Williams paid cancer kids. Yeah. Hilarious. He stole that.

Didn't even have cancer. Ooh, yeah. Those are actors. Yes. And now they're all fucked up.

B
Well, yeah, if you can have AI actors now, you don't have to have kids doing it anymore. So the kids won't get. God damn. We got our movies. That's coming.

C
Should they make kid sex robots? Just to appease the pedos so that they don't go out on the streets? Good idea. You should make sex kid robots that explode once your dick's inside. Weed them out.

B
Yeah. Just nails. Fourth one. There's a chance you might get by. Everyone is filled with plutonium.

Even if they don't explode, you get dick cancer. Take that, Jared Fogle. What does it say? It's possession of the Library of Congress. Los Angeles Times reported that Lewis had donated a copy of the film to the Library of Congress under the stipulation that would not be screened before June 2024.

That's now. That's now. That's right. Now. We gotta go see it.

C
We gotta go see it. Can we go see it? Field trip. Let's go. Let's do it.

B
Has anybody seen it? Like, can you go see it? Let's find out if it's legal to go watch it. Can we go watch it? Can we go to the Library of Congress?

What would we have to do to go to the library. I've been in there. Talk to whoever you can. Just walk in any government building. That's true.

D
You and your boys can just go in and they might execute a lady and no one will care. But whatever. I'd like to see. The library of Congress is open. It's an actual library.

B
How many people have been arrested for just being there at January 6? I mean, I think a lot. Are you still in jail? To some Biden speech where he was, like, bragging. He was like, we gave these guys 800 years in solitary environment.

C
800 years. Watch the footage reveal from Jerry Lewis lost Holocaust condensed version of the 1990 two's holocaust. I want to say that recently appeared on Vimeo. Oh, you can watch it on Vimeo. Damn.

B
Is it still on there? It's not gonna be good. It was never. Wait, why is it. Why is it bad?

D
Too sad. Did you not see the fucking professor? He was brilliant. Eddie Murphy.

B
Scrap plans for releasing the film after being embarrassed by how it turned out. It's still better than unfrosted. 2025. We have to wait till 2025. What?

C
Yeah, I can't wait. Oh, Harry Shearer said the movie he saw. Harry Shearer said the movie so drastically wrong. Where did it say? Yeah, I told Spy magazine the movie was so drastically wrong, calling its pathos so wildly misplaced, that you could not, in your fantasy of what it might be like, improve on what it really is.

Wow. There was a show in England that's got cut about a guy coming home, a Nazi, and his family. Pull that up, jmo. Which one show. It was a sitcom like, honey, I'm home.

But he was a Nazi. Oh, yeah. Yes. And it was just his regular stuff that had to, like, deal with his, like, life, his nagging wife, and he was like, just got back from the genocide. It's called home improvement.

What's the deal with concentration? You're not studying. Yeah, no one in there is concentrated on anything but survival. They don't have any food. You need food to be able to concentrate.

Ovens doesn't sound so bad. Easy, bake boy. I lost my yamaga in the dryer. Where is it? Didn't he have, like, a click into the wall?

B
One yamaga. I saw a hair on the shower. Oh, yeah. That was, like, one of my favorite. That was a good bit Seinfeld bits.

D
But it's funny if you include concentration camp. Yes. Yes, for sure. Anyway, that's terrible. Hold on.

C
Wait, wait. There was a sitcom, though. It was like, honey, I'm home. Nazi version honey, we shrunk all 6 million kids. Honey, we killed everybody.

D
Honey, we shrunk 6 million kids. What the fuck, dude.

They did that with. There was a movie that just came out. Zone of interest. That was kind of like that. Kyle, honey, home.

B
Oh, my God. A british sitcom Jeff Atkinson produced in 1990 was canceled after one episode. It centers on Adolf Hitler and Eva Braun, who lived next door to a jewish couple. Oh, my God. 1990.

Oh, my God. Show me a clip. It's probably funny as fuck. This is the fucking show. This is so ridiculous.

A
Canceled off to one episode, but they put it out. It went all the way to air. Think about how many fringe comedians say God awful things on twitter just to get attention right now. Think if you gave this person a budget. Oh, sorry, Ari.

B
I forgot you were here.

What did I do now? This is crazy. Oh, tonight you will make a schnitzel. What a jike. You must be real mad at me, honey.

I'm a very, very bad Hitler. Come here. Don't touch me. I thought it was the UK. Those are very american accents.

Yeah, but it's the UK. They're pretending to be, like, german. They're trying to be german. So they went, american. Weird, man.

Well, they probably didn't know what a sitcom was. They just copied us. Yeah, exactly. Uniform off it. Bro, you're home.

Yeah. What are you doing, bro?

A
It was 1990. That's so nuts. That's so nuts. Damn. Yeah.

I would love to see someone in that meeting. I like how they made it 1938 before things went totally Nick Mullen pitch. Yeah. Shut up, Earl. We're doing it.

D
I can't believe they did that. They made it in 1938. Like, that's when it was supposed to be. So before Hitler, lived next to a. British company couple, and they were like, we gotta get rid of this couple.

B
It's like, if you do a show about the Jackson five, do it while he's young. Yeah, do before things go weird. Joe Jackson was a mean man, allegedly. Wow. That's the story.

C
Yeah. Yeah. Most kids don't want to work their. Ass into being the fucking best ever. Best ever.

B
The creep story was. What is his doctor? His doctor said that he was chemically castrated to keep his voice, which makes sense if you look at him, is chemically. Yeah. His body looks so different than all his brothers.

He looks like a eunuch. Like he has no muscle at all. Nothing. So he probably had no testosterone. So his voice never, like, reached male.

C
Puma voice, but his dick still worked. I don't know. Well, kids who knows who's telling the truth? He was banging Brooke shields.

B
With them. He was with. Oh, the old. Yeah, but look at his kids. Kids are clearly not his kids.

A
Really? Yeah. No, they look like a white kid.

B
Fucking Norman. Hey, Dolezal. Normally the worst detective ever. Oh, it was.

C
A. He was black.

B
His fucking kids, man. Those are not his kids. Well, they are, but not biologically. Really? Yeah, but, like, Michael Jackson was so fucking good that even though there's all those allegations, people still listen to that.

A
Music like, shut up. Shut up. Yeah. He was so funny. Fucking good.

B
That beat it. Tony had. Hinchcliffe used to have a joke about it. He's like, when beat it comes on, you don't give a fuck about those kids.

Yeah, everybody had that joke, but Tony's was a really good one. It is a thing where you're. You're. If someone's that talent, you let him slide. He had one, too.

D
Chappelle had diff. He was like. He made thriller. It was on Chappelle show. Oh, he was on the stand, and he was like.

He made thriller, right? You got ditto. You got diddled by the best pedophile of all time. He got pissed. And then he was defending R.

Kelly, and they pissed on. It was good, right? And then there was also. There was probably some shit going on with him where people were blackmailing him. Like, it might not if he really didn't have a working unit.

B
Like, if he really was chemically castrated, like his doctor said, that doctor that went to jail, the one who went to jail for giving him prophenol. So he killed him. Yeah. He would get. Literally get anesthetized because he couldn't sleep.

He was so crazy that he just couldn't sleep. And so the doctor would, like, anesthetize him every night, and eventually he died. So when that doctor got out of jail, he gave an interview. He was talking about what happened to him. He said that he was chemically castrated when he was young.

That's why he looks so different. He's so thin, like no muscle at all. And you look at his brothers. His brothers look like men, like all the other brothers. But he was the young kid with this fucking golden voice.

And there's a long history of people doing that. Those castratos from the opera days where they cut kids nuts off and have them sing at a high pitch forever. You never heard castranos. There's, like, one video or one recording that's available from, like, the early 19 hundreds of a castrato and it's haunting. Well, it's a guy with no nuts saying they took his nuts when he was a young boy.

C
Damn. Allergy. Dark. All right. Dark.

B
Dark shit, man. Well, hey, if it keeps. Just keeps you in words, this. I see what you've got there. You're trying to learn how?

D
It's a shotgun thing. I want to just drink. Drink it like a real America. Hell, a shotgun. Yeah.

A
Whoa. That's a great invention. So you put. Just punch it through. That didn't go through on shark tank.

B
Much better. Much better. Through the fucking. Whoa. Oh, that's so much better.

C
Suck it, Ari. That's like you. That's like having a America freedom bong in your pocket. I can't believe I caught that. That was a great throw, too.

B
Damn, is that another one? Why do you keep doing that with your throat? It's so cold. Yeah, it's a cold beer. That's why I do it.

D
Yeah, but that's not gonna help. Shut up, dude. You shut up. Stop chugging a beer and going, oh. Me throw, it's so uncomfortable.

If I squeeze my throat, it will. Makes me feel better. Ow, I hurt my elbow. Owie. My funny bone.

A
These are great. These are great. The crack in, it's a good idea. Nice plug. The ultimate shocker.

You think you get this into a stadium? Oh, yeah, you definitely. Could you put your keys on it? Oh, you give this to a lady for self defense? Uh huh.

B
Yeah, they don't hold on like this.

Like that. Fucking, yeah, like the keys. The combat class I told you about. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't.

Don't you stop. Looks like Ari's nose. Thinner, but right. Right shape. Son of a bitch.

C
That's quite a honker. You son of a. Nice honk, dude. Thanks. Leave his honker.

You could snort some blow with that puppy. Yeah, I support your honk, punk.

B
Is blow still a major thing amongst comedians? Sometimes, yeah, it is it out here with comedians sometimes. If. Not, like, stay awake, there's not as many fiends. But if it's going around, people like, yeah, let's go.

C
Yeah, it's going around. Such a dumb one. Oh, squirter is great. You know, they happened. You know, they have a legal weed.

B
They have like, that Delta. Delta nine. Delta nine. Lame. Yeah, but it's not bad.

You ever try it? Stop it helps you sleep. Delta nine's the real weed. It's pretty weedy. Real warm away.

C
Eight. The stuff. That's a little delta eight. Yeah. Oh, is it suspect?

B
I've had the legal stuff that you could buy here. And it's weed. Yeah, but it's okay. Weed is also like, what are you trying to do? You trying to get obliterated or just want to get a little creative?

If you just want to get a little creative, get a little silly, it's perfect. It works like a weed. You don't give 32% weed. Hmm. Well, 17%.

We trying to do percentages. I mean, I'm saying you don't need to get a blitter. You can have, like, regular weed, but. That isn't it weird. Like, my point was, like, what if someone comes out, like a delta eight?

Coke. Oh, you know, like, if you could do that. Okay, that's different forms here, veil are included. Cannabis plants, the most abundant form is delta nine. When people refer to the effects of THC, they usually talk about delta nine.

Other forms of THC, such as delta eight and delta ten, have similar chemical structures to delta nine, but their effects are usually different. I don't know. Some of that stuff is pretty good, and you can just buy it in a store and it's totally legal. Like, what a weird loophole. I've had a lot of it in New York.

C
You can buy shrooms at the bodega. Really? They're doing that? It's wide open. Open, baby.

B
Is that legal in the state now? No, no, no. But it's like they're like, nobody's bothering us. You got them fucking. Well, listen, that's the beginning.

And eventually it's gonna get to the point where people realize that it should be legal. I gotta say, no adults telling you what the fuck you can do. Yeah, but didn't Portland open up all the drugs and look at them now. Well, they had problems before that. Ah, you can't blame it on that.

A
You gotta tilt it down. Tilt down. Right into it. Talking to rich Voss. Oh, you're right.

D
I did do it upside down. Shit.

B
And all my heroes in the methadone clinics. So he was in Kid Rock, was in my green room, and that exact line came out. I was talking about a family member's drug addiction. Yeah. And I was talking about methadone.

D
And he was like, he was fucked up. And he was like, I have a lyric about that. And I was like, what do you mean? He's like, he had to think about it. And he was like, oh, my heroes in the methadone clip.

I was like, you mean ball with the ball. I know, I know. That's the one you have. He probably still sings that all the time, right? That's the cool thing about being a rock star.

B
They want to hear those old. It's like the machine. Yeah, with Bert. Yeah. They want to hear the.

Those old stories. God, they were. That's nice. Banger from fucking 30 years ago. That was dice, too.

What dice had over all comics was everybody knew the lines. They wanted to repeat them. What's in the bowl, bitch? Oh, the whole crowd. It was like a song.

C
We did a rock on the range or whatever, some rock fest. And it was the comic there. I had to open for him. And he did that at the end. What's his face.

Linkin park or one of these bands brought him up and the whole arena knew it. It was incredible. What? Yeah. Cause it was just the right age where they knew the whole thing and they all sang it together.

It was beautiful. I love what dice is doing now.

D
Can I get a picture? It's like, Matt Dale, can I get a picture with you? And nobody knows who he is, and he doesn't care. He doesn't have an issue with people not knowing who he is. Big shot with the two dogs.

A
What? The two dogs. Big shot, sir. I don't know. No, no.

The two dogs. Big shot. Okay. He did it to me. I never met him.

C
I was like, hey, I'm just letting you know. I'm your opener. How much time you want me to do? He goes, you want a photo? Like, no, no, I'm just saying I'm your opener.

He's like, come on, let's get a photo. And I'm like, I'm good. I'm good on the photo. He was always down for. For the goof.

B
Yeah, he's always down with goofing on people. I could see that. Your fans. And I get it if you wanted the picture. You know what I mean?

A
Like, a lot. Some people are shy about stopping me.

Some of them get shy, you know?

C
Brad Garrett killing me.

B
Does Brad Garrett still do stand up at his club? I think so, yeah. He's got that nice club in Vegas. I hear. The MGM.

It's a great club. Back with candy Dom. I rare used to work that club all the time. Oh, yeah? Yeah.

He said it was like the best club in Vegas. There's Kimmel club. Got a club there. Wise guys is a club there. Kim still open.

A
Why guys has two. Two clubs there now? I heard a little bit of a scene. Vegas is like triple there. Two clubs in Vegas.

B
Tripoli lives there. No, that work. That was his scene that he came. Right, right. Stanhope to stand up.

A
Really? Yeah, he had a club. No, he started in Vegas. Pretty sure what didn't. From Wyoming.

Was there a long time. I heard a great Stanhope store. I'm. No, I don't know if I'm allowed to say it. Don't say then.

C
Okay. Give it a chance later. Pretty funny, but it's like. I think it's pretty tame. Give it a chance.

I'll give a shit. We can cut it. Make a time note. Okay. Carl'll be ready with the butt with.

A dump when Zany's opened in Nashville. Yes. He went, and no one knew who he was. You know, he walked, like, half the room. People were like, this is horrible.

You're weird. You're anti Bible. Whatever. And the bartender there, it was some lady, and it was her first night at a comedy club, bartending. And she went up to him after.

She was like, you're disgusting. That was abhorrent. That was inappropriate. That was crazy. She didn't know comedy.

So then, whatever. Cut to 30 years later, he comes back to Zanys, kills. Like, has one of these magical sets, annihilates. Great night. He gets off stage, and she was like, she now had been seasoned with comedy.

She's hurt all these people over the years, and she's like, that was great. They go out. He ends up fucking her back at his or her apartment, and he's over the balcony, fucking her. Fucking her. She's like, you don't remember me?

You don't remember me? He's like, nah, I don't remember. Whatever. And they're fucking. They're fucking.

And now he's got her over the balcony, fucking her doggy style, and he goes, you're disgusting. Is that true? I mean, I don't know the story. I heard. It's a fun story.

A
How's he gonna know?

D
That's all right. That's all right. Is that all right? Probably not true. We should check.

I don't think Stanhope would be upset if we know Doug Stanhope. I'm sure he does. He'd be like, whatever, but I have fucked. It's fine. Let's find out what's going on here.

C
But what a great call back. We could also have a 30 year callback. You want to Facetime Kid Rock? I bet you he says something. Call him up.

A
I think let's get kid rock on our pod. I have a bunch of first guest.

C
Ask if the story's real. Joe.

A
Who rules more than Stanhope? He's the best.

B
Ah, he might not have woken up yet.

C
He's shaking a drink. He can't answer. Okay, that's one number. Let me try the other. No, I've been out there.

D
He wakes up early. Oh, really? I couldn't believe he might already be. This one works. I got a couple numbers.

He also doesn't drink like that. Come on. No, it's when he goes after it, then he goes after marathon. Not happening. He might call back.

C
So keep an eye on that puppy. That's funny. I heard another one where his douglas. Were on the air. Text me or call me when you get this period.

B
I'm with Shane, Mark Norman and Ari Shaffir.

C
I think Sam talent lived there. There for a minute. Where? He was with me. Oh, with you?

D
He was there for, like, a week. No, no, you're talking about Bisbee. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He came down. Me and Sam had one of the hardest I've ever laughed in my life.

It's not even funny. We were just on mushrooms, but Stanhope. So there, it's just us, and Stanhope has the fun house, his bar. So we're just drinking every night. And then me and Sam took mushrooms.

And the whole time. Every time you talk to Stanhope, he's such. Like a old road dog that will be like, do you know Billy Cummings? He just always says a name that you've never heard of. Anyway, we're up on the roof.

Me and Sam are up on the roof of the funhouse on mushrooms, dying, laughing about a scenario where his dog, Henry, eats his cat, meatwig. And when the cat gets eaten, Stanhope just imagining what Stanhope would do if his dog cat. And be like, meatwig. No, it's so funny to cat. No, imagine we're on mushrooms.

So we think it's. We think it's the funniest thing of all time, of him just going, Meatwig. No.

But also stand up can be mean drunk. Really? Oh, yeah. Like, we'll be sitting there drinking that out nowhere. He'll be like, you're fat.

We'll have a nice night smoking cigarettes, drinking vodka. That out of nowhere, Stanhope will just turn to you and be like, you fucking suck at comedy. We're all mushrooms. We go downstairs, and he's also. I mean, we're dying at the concept of two fucking ogres.

Me and Sam on your roof, huge man, cackling about. You let us into your home. Yeah, let's think about mushrooms. There's so many layers. About three lodges.

C
Right, right, I get it. But Meatwig. No, but then we go downstairs. He's drunk. We're high on mushrooms.

D
And the first thing he does, he turns to us, he takes a drag of a cigarette, and he's like, do you boys remember Bentley, Dustin, or some fucking random fucking bullshit? Why would I know Bentley? And we start howling, laughing at his face. He's instantly just like you two fat fucking losers.

And it's just making us laugh more. Yeah. Yeah. Stand up could turn nasty when he's drunk, which is so funny, because he's in a fucking clown suit. Yeah.

B
Special at my club. But I don't think he released it. What, put it out? Yeah. I don't know what's going on with it.

A
Fitzsimmons did the devil after crud. Fitzsimmons has one coming out. Brian Simpson. He filmed it. Netflix.

B
On Netflix. But I know Stanhope filmed something. I don't know what he did with it was. It was a killer. I wasn't there.

I was out of town when he was doing it, unfortunately. Stand up. Unless I film with one camera by an audience member in the crowd, it's not cool enough. He filmed when I was on the row I was on. I was somewhere or wasn't home.

I mean, it might have been a UFC weekend or something like that. And he filmed. I heard it was great, though. Damn. I think he might have filmed during the day.

C
No refunds. I made him want to day drunk. I think that's it. I think he did one those day drinking things. We filmed, like, noon.

There's a poster in your club, day drunk. Yeah, Stanhope. That must have been it. That's it. Framed.

A
I saw him once again, those two some. Yeah. I did the last one with him, as you did, too. First time I ever featured. What is it like doing a show.

At a long time ago? The first time I ever featured was opening for Bert on a day drinking show. It's a lot sick to work. Helium, Philly, 2016. Wow.

B
Isn't that amazing? Yeah. Wow. Damn. And then I emailed him, and I was like, we should work together.

A
The first time you feature was 2016, and eight years later, you're the biggest comic in the world. I knew. I thought I had something that's pretty incredible. You did guess sets on my show, and I was like, who's this guy? Where's he coming from?

30 minutes later, he's like, who are you, though? Yeah, right. Well, I was doing it, you know, I did a decade of truck stops in the middle of see? Good for you. Seasoned bad rooms.

B
I think that's the thing with everything I waited. You gotta do the. You gotta have a full array of experiences in order to reach your potential. Yeah, I think that's the thing with everything. The only one you couldn't conquer, I.

Think that's with everything. Like, every fighting movie. Every fighting movie, you see some guy in some fucking seedy bar that has, like, a boxing ring, and he steps through the ropes and next thing you know, he's fighting for the title. You know, it's like with everything. Batman had a fight in that hole.

Yeah, you gotta. There you go. You gotta know all the fucking aspect. You can't be some guy who's gone from, like, a YouTube star to being. Now you're doing clubs and you're selling out everywhere, but you've never.

You've never done a fucking bachelor. Elton John was talking about. Elton John was talking about all these boy bands, and he goes, no, they've never had a bottle thrown at them. Yeah. So they don't know how to, like, get a crowd.

Simmons and I, since, like, we literally started out together so many times, him and I would just been fucking laughing hysterically at hell gigs. Yeah, we had to do together. I did a show for Rogan at Chickapee. Yes, I know. Chicka P.

A
Yeah, awful. They're bagging up their fucking Chinese. Weird. Some guy comes on stage while I'm on, and he goes, I want a selfie. And before there were cell phones, and I'm like, he takes the camera, puts his shoulder over me, takes it, and I'm like, looking for a door guy that doesn't exist.

And I'm like, you gotta roll with it. You gotta roll it. Making a joke in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, but you're right. It's like, bot, like, what's his name?

C
Dempsey. Doing bar fights back in the day. And then they're like, you're pretty good at this. Yeah, we're all heavyweight champs. Yeah.

B
Remember Kembo Slice? Used to fight backyard cops? Take your badge off. What's. Next thing you know, he was on.

D
Fucking.

C
Ask about the story. Douglas, me boy. Hello. I was just wrapping up some dude's podcast. Wait, we were just talking about you because we're doing protect our parks right now, and Norman just told some story about you being very rude to some lady.

How about here? And he's not exactly sure if it's a true story about someone saying that you were disgusting. And then many years later, you went back and she was as well. Nashville Zanies. You fucked her over a balcony?

B
No, that was Chicago zanies. Chicago. Okay, fast. Tell me what happened. It's actually, in a book.

She was a waitress during a Chicago comedy festival, late nineties, and she had watched my set. And then afterwards, all the staff is closing out. All the comics are going, hey, what bar do we go to? And go around the corner. So I'm sitting next to her, and it ends up me and her, the last people there.

And I said, are you going to this bar? And she goes, I just want you to know I saw your set tonight, and I think you're absolutely disgusting. So I get booked back there, and she's working there. I'm doing a regular week by how many years later? Within the year.

Yeah. It goes from a festival to an actual headlining week. And I. So I said to her, all right, listen. I said that.

You said that what? We got to work the whole week together, so how about we have a truce? And she said, yeah, fine by me. And then cut to after, you know, the bar close. At the bar.

After the bar, back in my hotel. I'm fucking around in the end.

Say, in the ass. Yes.

The weird part was, I was in a hotel that had windows that opened. That's how long ago.

I had her bent over with her head out the window, and I came in her ass, and I said to her, I leaned into her ear, and I said, I just want you to know, for the record, I find you absolutely disgusting.

Did you? The best part is when I wrote that story in my first book, and then we did the book, the audible podcast style. So we come out of the book, and I had her on as a live guest, so I read that part to her, and then we cut to. To her side of the story, and she goes, first of all, you didn't come in my ass. You came on my back.

C
This guy sounds awesome. That's a win. That's a win for her. Second of all. Absolutely.

D
Second of all, go bears.

B
What'd you say? What are you protecting the parks from? Oh, no, it's just nothing. Enclosure to the government. We do off all the time.

We didn't have a name for it, but Ari was trying to protect, so we started calling it protect our park, but it didn't work. He didn't protect the park. They cut all the trees down. Could you ask him if Meatwig's still alive? Is Meatwig still alive?

Meatwig is still alive, but it's not an outdoor cat anymore. It lives over at the quiet house. He's a convalescing in his old, old years. Shane was telling some story about him, were blasted on mushrooms, and they had this idea that your dog ate your cat and you were trying to, like, tell the dog, dog. No.

They thought it was hilarious.

Douglas, I love you. I love you. Go back to it. Okay, bye. I'll talk to you soon.

Come to Austin. Come to Austin. I am. When are you coming? As soon as I buy the ticket.

Okay. Come, I want you. I want you here in July. Can you come in July? Diaz is coming.

Come, I want you to come the week Diaz is coming. We'll hook it up. We'll do shows together. Let's have fun. All right.

All right. Bye. Yay. Bye, sweet boy. I love when you try to convince someone or something like, yeah, okay.

Yeah, Doug's the best. I have a list of reasons why you're like, no, I'm already in. Yeah, Doug's the best. That was awesome. He's the best.

C
All right. I was a little off with the story. No, you were so pretty. On 30 years versus one year is a big gap. It's a big gap.

B
I want to say that I was sad at a lady who was in her fifties getting fucked in the ass. Like, don't do that. That part of me made me sad. Nashville and Chicago, a meaningless detail. It's a mistake.

C
Chad Daniels told me the story. Chad rules. Chad's on the podcast doing. Because of Ari. Dude, Chad.

B
Sorry if he's. Yeah. Because they reached out. I was like, okay, let's go. It's about time.

A
It's so funny. Joe reached up, like, hey, is this person funny? And sometimes. Sometimes you don't know them. You're like, I have no idea.

Other times, you hate them, and you're just like, I don't really know them. And then other times, you'd be like, that guy fucking rules. He's the best. He's the real dude. That's what he said about Chad.

B
So I was like, let's go. We just did fully loaded together. He's ripping everywhere. Nice, nice, nice. Yeah, he's on the train.

Tony's out there with Bert right now doing fully loaded. Oh, there you go. He's like, what am I doing with my life? It's fun. But you do activities.

C
You got to do activities. You don't have. Cold plunges. Don't have to. You can.

D
You've witnessed me. Shane. Shane is always the best. Hey, Shane. Welcome to society.

A
You're awake. What do you want to do? Get the fucking camera out of my face. Okay, we're moving on. Why would we ever film ourselves?

B
What kind of activities they try to get you to do. Burt's like, we're doing unicycles today. You're like, ah, fuck. We're playing Frisbee golf. But is everything documented?

D
Yeah, there's always a camera. And I go, Bert is still making his cameras out of here. Bert is still making up for not being part of tourgasm, and he just trying to recreate it. No, Bert is making up for the fact that he wasted so much time on that stupid travel channel show. No tickets sold from that.

B
No, zero. I called Bert up once. I was in the main room of the comedy store. I called Bert up, and I was waiting to go on stage. I was like, what's Bert up to?

And I call, he's like, hey, I'm on a Vietnam. I'm in Vietnam on a motorcycle. I'm drunk. I'm having the best time. I go, Bert, listen to me.

You gotta get off that show. I go, that show is a velvet prison. It's a velvet prison. Velvet prison. Yeah.

You gotta remember what a velvet prison is. It's a nice thing to keep. It's like what writers get. They get a velvet prison. So you're writing on a show, and then when the show has a fucking actors writers Guild strike, you're fucked for, like, six months.

You have no money coming in. And then you try doing stand up again. I'm like, you gotta be the master of your own domain. You can't do this. I go, you're a great guy.

You're hilarious. You're great on podcasts. You should do your own podcast, and you should make money off of that. Doing stand up. If you don't know who Burke Reicher is, one of those two fat guys driving a unicycle.

He's the pregnant man emoji on your iPhone. Yeah. The tour is so fun. It's so fun, the activities. I'm always.

D
I'm always a fucking people. Like, no, fuck that. It's so fun because I think because he over promotes. Yeah. Weren't recorded, they would be hella fun.

C
Well, you know, we went deep sea fishing last week. We were out with the rock. Worked out the rock. One of the things I said, I said, let's do no cameras. Let's just have fun.

A
Yeah. So we all came in, we all worked out. Oh, and deep sea fishes. There it is. Where were you guys?

C
South Carolina. We caught a couple sharks.

B
That's nice. Dragon on the boat. This is noon, by the way. That's a good time, though. We did that.

A
Fishing is always Norman's bachelor party. I'm always glad we went. One more piss fishing is a good. Norman's bachelor party. That's when Burt ruled.

But there's no camp. There was like, I'm making activity. Well, the key is I was too hard. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It was too hard. There's a. The key is moderation. Don't be fucking promoting every minute of every day. It's not that fun.

C
Yes, exactly. It's not fun for the people and also the people that are, like, paying attention to your social media. Like, stop me alone. Like, stop being so goddamn needy. Sure.

But I gotta tell you, you do that. These. These are great gigs. He's got the best crowds. Killer crowds.

You go get drunk, then you get back on the bus to drive to the new gig, and it's me, Dave, hotel, Soder, Big J. It's just a great crew. Bus life rules. Shit. Bus life rules.

And we're smoking saga. I mean, it's a beautiful thing. Ah, bus life. Bus life is very fun. What do you think about a mothership comedy festival?

Now you're talking, buddy. If there was a number above a 100%, I would give it. Let's do it. I've been thinking about doing that. Where?

B
But here? Right here. Why would I go anywhere? I'm not going anywhere. Even before.

A
Even if you don't buy these, these theaters, you can get them involved. Yeah.

There's a thousand. Yes. The whole town, everybody here. Yeah. For a yes, you have.

But you do other shows. You could do weird show. Other. My storytelling show. You'll do, like, fun, weird, interesting.

B
Simpson in front of a giant crowd. Do, like, never before done shows. Yeah. Kill Tony riffing shows. I've been thinking about a lot of different ways to expand.

Like, we're doing so well. It's like. It's almost like we have too many people that want to come versus tickets that are available. Yeah. And I'm like, I want to get.

A
A level headliner room. Be great. Yes. I want it. Not just an a level headliner room.

B
I want a theater. Yeah, I think. Yeah. I think a theater is the move. And I think once we get the theater, then we do, like, a second Westwood type comedy store.

C
I love it. We do mothership west. Love it. I get on the plane by Esther's follies, check in, like, three minutes before my flight. You know, I get frazzled.

A
Get on the plane. Norman's there. I'm like, oh, you're here, Danny, we're great. We're talking about it. We used to come to Austin only for opening for you or moon Tower or Moon Tower south.

And that was a fun party. And now it's a party every time, anytime you. Why not come a day early? Why not stay a day late? It's a party.

You're not here by yourself to do the old cap city where you're like, well, I'm alone. It's time to get out of here. Tyler Fisher just moved here too. He's rolling rules. We're going hard.

B
I feel like there's more room. I really do. I feel like there's more room. And I want to keep this process of developing new comics. You need another club, though.

C
It's too much. It's overloaded. Yeah, yeah. But with, the idea is we're gonna do, we're gonna do other clubs. I think we're gonna keep going.

B
I think we've only been open a year, man. Whoa. It's crazy. We've been open one year. And so my.

The next stage, I think stage two is a theater. Stage three is a second club, like, a little bit further out. And we just keep a little further, a little, and everybody's gonna benefit. The cap city will benefit. Everybody will benefit.

The whole idea is like, make this the best playground possible for comedy. There we go. Now we're talking. Best playground possible. You guys keep talking about, it's the best scene.

I think we've already kind of accomplished something that I never would have imagined we've been able to pull off. And I think it happened because, like, the fucking universe made it possible. All the things had to take place. I had to have the Spotify money. La's falling apart.

The comedy stores closed down. All those employees were available. Everybody wanted to move. We started doing shows with Dave, then we started doing live shows indoors at the Vulcan. All the things, like, Ron White was already here, so the godfather was already here.

Ron White was here. Before the pandemic. We were talking about two of the outdoor shows. You had to go down to zero and then up to an outdoor show. You couldn't go down to an outdoor show.

A
You had to go to, like, there is no comedy, no shows, and then accept, oh, outdoor. Not bad. Exactly. And when Dave and I was doing those shows, it was like everybody had to be tested. So we tested every.

B
You had to get there an hour and a half before the show. Everybody got a test. We sent a bunch of people home that had Covid.

A
Refund. No, I know. I'm joking. That was at Stubbs. Mm hmm.

C
Yeah. But once we started doing shows the Vulcan. I was like, oh, my God, we're never going back because it was indoors. And the roar, the feeling of all the. And the Vulcan is like, all hard surfaces, so everything's, like, echoing.

B
And when you would crush on stage, Ron white came off stage and he grabbed my shoulders. Grabbed both of my shoulders hard. And he goes, whatever the fuck we have to do, we're gonna keep doing this. You gotta open up that club. It was like a moment in a movie.

And I was like, we're opening up a club 100%. It was so cool. We had already started talking. We had already started talking about opening. Cause once I got here, I was like, damn, the vulcan's beautiful.

It's a fucking awesome place, but it's just not set up right. I don't own it. I can't just, like, let it go crazy. I can't set up a system of, like, open mic ers and, like, showcases. And we gotta have a regular club.

A
Shut up. You suck. Don't do it, Ari. Go pee out there, you fucking idiot. Listen, I'm tell you this next time.

Yes, but it's already pinched. We gotta get you a catheter. This is out of control. I'm jewish. Have you pissed yet?

C
No. You and I, the last. The Mohicans. Yeah. You had three shots?

B
Yeah, I had two espresso. I had three. You can hold three beers, freak. I had my body's trained from doing so many podcasts. I'll tell you over pissing, Ari, why.

D
Do you do this? This isn't cool. There was a hole in it. Piss on the ground. Did you get piss on the ground?

A
A lot, but yeah. How much piss did you get on the ground? Wipe it up. I'm really whipped his balls out on the Lauren cow Compton show. Did you really?

I told them I'm not allowed legally anymore. You got to get a new bit. I'm not allowed legally anymore. Get new material. Penis.

The LAPD, what they say, they said, don't. You can never do that. LAPD. After the forum show. Really?

D
Los Angeles penis department. What they call me. We talked to a lawyer, pulled up. Can't ever do that again. Club and stuff and like it.

A
Listen, if you ever do it again, you're going to jail. Whoa. Yeah. Lenny Bruce, Jesus. That could be you.

D
Did you take a stand? Taking your weird penis? Breaking the law. Breaking the law. You like a Judas Priest song?

B
Judas Priest was like, the thing all the troubled kids in my neighborhood. Neighborhood listened to. Yeah, Judas Priest. I think I'm gonna sit around your boy in my brain cocktail. And you better think again.

Out there is a fortune waiting to be had, you better let me know I think you got another thing. He was a gay. Yeah, he was gay. And he was a gay who tricked everybody into dressing like a gay biker. He literally made that whole scene where everybody dressed like a gay biker.

A
What was that? What was that? Blue. Whoa. Here we go.

B
Royalties while re pisses in a bud light bottle.

I had a kid that was, like, real troubled in my high school. And this was a song that he put, like, on his, like, fucking high school yearbook, you know. He had another thing coming.

Live it up. He tricked everybody into dressing like a gay biker. Stop looking at it. Isn't it?

C
I know you're still going. I'm looking at the screen like, what is he doing? Rap existed when I was in high school. Rap existed when I was in middle school. But it wasn't like Sugar Hill gang.

B
Yeah, hip hop. No, we knew about that show. Oh, yeah. I mean, that song. Yeah.

And then give me a. Like a fool. Cause of the cave. Some people die out. There is a function waiting to be had.

You think I let it go. Y'all mad? You got another thing coming. This was the rebel song of my high school. He's gay.

C
Big gay dude. Put your fucking dick away. He wasn't just gay. He was gay. Like leather bicycle.

D
It does fit. What the fuck is that? Are you done? I'm done. Fucking gross.

B
You gotta get rid of those piss bottles. You can't leave them here for percent. Did you pee on the table? You son of a bitch. That's beer.

You lie. That's beer. Why? What are you doing? Leaky dick?

A
Having a great conversation. I had to be. You didn't have anything to add to it?

D
I'll stop being mad about it. I'm sorry. Yeah. Rap. I really fell in love with rap when I was on the road.

B
When I started doing stand up. Because I, like, I'd be, like, driving to gigs. Listen, like, cool g rap and, like, the old days, like, nineties hip hop, Nas. Like, that's when I really got into rap. Hip hop is dead.

It's not. Rock is not do. I'm singing. It's funny. That's what the kids listen to.

D
Judas Priest. That were losers. We had, like, Marilyn Manson. Yeah. You'd be like, what the fuck?

C
Yeah. Worshiper. Yeah. Marilyn mother Jelly Roll popped onto the fully loaded. And that was fun.

B
He's an animal crowd. That fucking dude is so fun. He's such a good dude. He's always at the store or the mothership. Oh, really?

Basically, store. Wow. It's a new version of the store. There's a reason the front windshield is bigger than the back windshield. Look forward, not backwards.

Theo Vaughn's version of him is hilarious. Theo does an impression of jelly roll. You never see him. No. Jelly roll's inspirational speeches.

Find that he doesn't just win an award. He's gotta be like, everyone needs to get better. He's like Theo Vaughn. Like, fucking. He was doing it in the green room the other day.

We were on the floor. We were crying. Theo Vaughn, he's got compilations on YouTube. He's so quick. He's so funny, man.

He's so funny. He's coming here in July. He's gonna be here in July, and he's gonna look for houses. Here we go. Right now, there's somebody who's stuck under a bridge.

There's somebody out there who's got a size eleven foot in a size eight tennis shoe.

I wanna tell you that the wind shield is bigger than the rearview mirror. For a rig every time. Jelly full preacher man. He just. He's so full of feelings, bro.

C
He gets up there and he's just like. I want to tell you. That's it. Beautiful. More than just feelings.

B
It's full of donuts. It's a lot going on. There's a lot of things happening there. Great guy. He's been to prison.

A
Really? Yeah. Yeah, the real deal. Yeah. I think that's why he's so nice.

C
Yes. I think he's so nice. He's so full of love. I think it's because he experienced so many fucking shit moments in his life, and now he's realizing you're done, right? Yeah, I'm done.

All right. Please. Yeah. He's a good dude. He looks like if Ralphie may had, like, a post Malone filter, I hope.

B
We don't lose him. Post baloney. Being that big is post baloney. Being that big is dangerous. Yeah.

You know, whenever we lose people that are so awesome, like Patrice or Ralphie, this fuck, man, that's controllable. Those super fat guys, it's like the Indus. It's always coming, man. It's coming. Scary stuff.

But some of those guys, you know, Joey lost a lot of weight. Joey was big at one point in time. Oh, yeah. But you know what's crazy is, like, that coincided with Joey becoming amazing. Joey was, like, built like a football player.

When I first met Joey, he was, like, built like a thug. Fat became, you mean, associated with him becoming amazing. No, he became fat and then he became insanely funny. It all happened at the same time. Like, Joey, when I first met him, was, like, fresh out of prison and I was on news radio and he was at the store and I met him and I, like, bring him to the news radio and he'd be like, fucking.

He would go into, like, the. There was the green room that was only for the executives. And Joey would go in there and eat all the shrimp and he'd be like, who is this guy? Because he just. He's not.

He was a fucking house man. He was a big dude. Like, big, but big. Like, thick, strong. And, you know, I.

He fucking. He was this guy that, like, I knew guys like him from New York, from. Are you pissing again? No. What are you doing?

C
Shitting. Sure, everything's safe on the floor. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. But he was like, when I was in LA, I was like, God, I was so used to East coast people that West coast, like, actor people.

B
It was. It was like they were poison ivy. I was like. I was so confused. Coming from the comedy scene of New York, coming from dangerfields and working with Otto and George and rich Voss and all these animals, and then all of a sudden I'm in LA with these fucking weirdos.

C
It's odd. The weirdest thing about LA Comics was, like, none of them knew sports at all. Well, it's like aliens. They were just, like, tending. Dude, I don't know sports.

A
But you had some sports, you like. They were like, dude, I literally don't. Even know the rules. Yeah, but you know, UFC at least. Yeah, but the one.

B
The one thing. But back then that didn't even exist back then. When I first came to LA, there was no UFC. At least you're in the pool, something. Yeah, I was into combat sports.

I was in a kickboxing. I knew I could tell you obscure Muay Thai guys, but I didn't know anything about sports. And people would always give me shit about it. Like, who won the Super bowl? I'm like, what is that?

D
What is that? No, it's over. That's why it was yesterday, like, oh. That must have been weird in Boston, growing up not knowing the bruins, the Celtics, the pates. I didn't give a fuck.

B
I didn't give a fuck. Really damn, actually. Didn't give a fuck. I didn't give a fuck. I didn't want to.

No, I didn't care. Even chicks care. I didn't care. I mean, the WCA, yeah, but I. Was just like, no.

D
I'd be so sick of Joe Biden picked up. That'd be my think Angel Reed. Yeah, it's just like, it's. Isn't it funny? That beef is the only thing that's bringing all the attention to WNBA.

C
A lot of lesbians get like that. Roast beef. Yeah. Let it be lesbos. Let it.

B
Let it be lesbos. Let it be who they are. They want to fight lesbians. She's getting but pushed around bush. It's time to get some food and do some fucking jokes.

Yeah, well, actually, about this bitch. Early set. 516. Yeah. Shows it.

C
What, eight? Keep going. We could bong one. No, it shows at seven. We could bong one.

Oh, shows. We should bong one more with these. I like these things tilt. You got to tilt it down. Tilt the world.

All right. Tilt it. Well, how many. How many piss cans you got over there? I'm gonna take care of but five.

B
You know, we haven't played in a long time, boys. What? Free bird. Oh, shit. If we're gonna go America.

D
Yeah, just start it now. We're gonna go full bud light. Full America, Joe. Full kid rock. How much piss did you leave on the floor?

B
What the rapid fuck? What are you doing? You're wrapping. What?

Put that in the garbage. Fuck the weirdo. Help me. I can't change.

D
Wow. Wow.

B
Look at these guys, man. They're the kings. Yeah, look at the Dixie's behind them. It wasn't mean anything.

D
Norman. Bring it on, Fanny. You do it. It's slightly cracked. Oh, shit.

B
It's okay. If it was one concert, let's get the JMO. Regular version. Keep playing, not live. What are you doing?

Oh, the regular version of it. Yeah, but so good, though, to watch it live. But keep going. Keep going with that, Jamie. Keep going with that live version, because.

A
I want to see people dancing in the meantime. Yeah, look at them all having a fucking time with a lot. No fake tits. Tits on YouTube. Real tits.

C
No black people either.

B
This is the greatest guitar solo in the history of the world. Yeah.

C
They'Re going nuts. They got nothing else. You know when they open up for the roll. Rolling Stones. The Rolling Stones were shitting their pants when this was going on.

B
They were like, God damn. And they weren't supposed to go out onto the lip. And they went out onto the lip. And they're like, fuck it. Wait, they told them not to?

Yeah, they told them not to. They're like, fuck you. They're like, we're performing. Look at that skinny twink. Just ripping.

C
And all white.

B
God damn, this is good.

D
I do, I do like the founding fathers looking down like, we did it.

C
Look at that, the crew. And they're from Florida. That's right. Jacksonville, Florida.

A
Is that where lymphoma biscuits from? Limp Bizkit's. Jacksonville. Jacksonville beach. Yeah.

B
Those ladies never been to a crossfit class in their life. That's pre O Zembic. That's Denny's. Denny's 15.

D
Damn.

B
Here it goes. How did they all stay so skinny? Because they were doing this all night.

C
Look at that guy's a rail. It's like a tampon. They weren't eating processed foods.

They can see the bulge. God damn. God damn, this is good.

What a country.

B
Let's go. Look at these motherfuckers. Open, open. Leather vest. Yeah.

C
Leather pants. Leather pants. Leather hat with the drawstring. The heat.

Oh. Bass players ripping it, rip it.

What are these guys doing now? Well, there's a plane crash. Plane crash. Mark Norman, fucking 911. They threw right.

B
They flew right. Here comes the jump.

C
Cocaine. Yeah. Look at that fucking crowd. Imagine having to follow this. Oakland has changed.

B
Imagine.

A
That guy is fucked up. One guy standing there like, what is happening? What am I seeing? God, so many. Have you ever seen a more enthusiastic crowd?

D
I got one. I got one. What? Enter semen Moscow. Oh.

91 Moscow. Is that like 500,000 people? It's the fall of the Soviet Union. We sent rock and roll over there just to be like we said, metallica Moscow.

B
Wow. White piano. If there was a time, though, that I can go back in time and see a concert, this would be it. This might be the best kind, dude. There's a part in this video where a solo takes his.

D
He's like unbuttons his uniformity. 91. This is a year after Heil. Honey, I'm home. This is.

Let it play. Just right. This is art. Yes, this is it. All right.

B
Wow. Enter Salmon Live Moscow, 1991. Let it play. Let him play, jamo. Shit.

C
Pre putin. Look at how many people, there are soldiers everywhere. How many people are out there? Wait for it, dude. I'm a drink to this.

D
America's number one. Oh, he's still hot and young. Before he for Napster. Before Napster?

B
Yeah. He should have shut the fuck up about Napster. Relax, bro. You're a punk. Oh, shit.

C
He's got the squat going. Oh my God. Look at this crowd. Look at the crowd.

B
Fully loaded. 2028 outdoor gig.

D
He's getting fucking.

B
Oh my God. I'm ready to run through a fucking wall. This hair shaking like that. Dice dick. What happened to rock and roll?

C
What do we got? Coldplay. Here we go.

Pyrotechnic. Oh, shit. Get Joe a beer, for Christ's sake.

B
God damn. Woo. Look at that fucking crowd.

Ah.

Sleeping one eye open, watching.

D
So clean and bit.

B
Like an orderly.

C
This is why YouTube's great. Yeah. The only concert close is like, what else you mean? Wembley, queen. Wembley, queen.

A
Obviously. Billy Joel in Russia, when they're trying to tell him, like, turn, it's like, stop people from dancing. And he goes, shut the fuck up. Stop bothering them. Billy Joel, yeah.

And he's like.

D
In Russia, sick. Yeah, he won't do that. Now. Brittany Reiner taught a lot of people a lesson about fucking around in Russia. They go, stop.

B
Stop shining the light on him. He did her time like a man.

D
Yeah. Wembley, queen. That's the biggest one. Is that the lie you know? You know what the sickest one is, is it's just.

B
Axl Rose in. In Greece. It's Axel Rose. Athens. Yeah.

I saw. I saw guns n roses in Athens. Sick. I was there in a restaurant. Clink.

And I ran into Axel Rose. He was at a restaurant? Yeah. Just randomly. I was eating dinner.

A
Rosie. Yeah. And a friend of mine, my friend Brian. Brian Murarescu, he saw him and he was like, axel Rose is here. I try to say hi to him.

B
He fucking. And I'm like, damn, I wonder if Axel knows who I am. Like, should I go say hi? And I had to walk by his table. Yeah.

And I was a little drunk. And I walked by his table and I was like, hey, man, what's up? And he, like, had this look on his face, like. And he was like, oh, hey, what's up? And I was like, fuck, he knows my name.

We started talking. He's, like, telling me bits that I did watch some of my Netflix specials. He's like, you want to come to the show? I was like, fuck, yeah, I want to come. And so the next night, we saw Axl Rose and fucking slash and guns and brothers.

We were backstage. So we're in Athens, in Greece. What year? Last year. You saw him at a restaurant?

I saw him at a restaurant. Random. Drinks. Just fucking fully random. Ran into him at a restaurant.

I was there. My whole family. You gotta pay me for. I took my whole family to see guns and roses. No, there's one.

We had a great time. Daughters. Get it? Oh, they love it. My youngest is a fan of guns n roses.

C
Damn. So funny. All the hardcore rock becomes kids music 20 years later. Isn't that weird? Well you know wiggles.

B
Like when I was in high school everybody was into the doors. Like I was in high school in the eighties and the doors were in the sixties. Yeah, like that's how it works. Like you find out the cool shit. What was the cool shit back then?

You know everybody was into Zeppelin, the doors, AC DC. Sixties music and cars. Like nobody gave a fuck about. Like when I was in high school nobody gave a fuck about a 1984 car. They wanted sixties cars.

C
That's true. You see a kid now a Gen Z, he's got a nirvana shirt on. 100%. Yeah. They don't know what it means.

B
No dude, I remember the first time I heard nirvana. There was a kid that lived in my neighborhood that used to steal car radios. And I was buying a car radio from him back when they had those blanc punk stereos that would like pull out like stolen. So I bought a stolen one and I installed it myself. Oh he did.

The wires all kind of connected. And so my stereo for four years. So I was over this dude's house. I was over this dude's house with my friend Jimmy and he's like, you gotta listen to this man. Listen to this shit.

This is the new shit. It was Nirvana. And we were like in his house. We were like, whoa, sound. It was a different sound.

It was like a different like grunge. What is this? And it killed hair bands. Yeah, old them good poison. And killed him.

A
Like point killed poor it. Poison. Poisoned. Poison. Poison.

B
Allegedly. She did that. Mark, say allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly.

It's really important. You ever see that documentary? Yeah, allegedly. Definitely did. It.

A
Was this librarian was great. 1992. This is one of the most epic. Concerts of all time. Apparently.

D
Oh, you guys are fucking. I had this on vinyl. Pull it up. I remember the first time I heard that. I was like holy shit.

A
What the. They were so different. It was so cool. It was the real deal. He fucked a retard in high school.

D
Yeah, they made that documentary on HBO about it. She was cool though. I was like fortunate. I fucked a retard. No documentary about me.

B
Oh, Mark. This is last night. It will be after this. It was a different sound. Yeah.

No, no, no. I love this. Do we do this all the time? Great head. She had a big head.

Great head. Oh Jesus. There's like times in history where like new sounds emerge and usually it's because of drugs. Uh huh. Or somebody went back to the future.

D
This is the sound.

B
When I work with Phil Hartman. Phil Hartman was a cleaning pools. No, he used to work at whiskey of go go when he was, like, 18 years old, Phil was in charge of making sure that the speakers didn't fall off the stage. So Hendricks, his whiskey, had a little stage, and Hendrix was on stage. And Phil's job, when he was 18 years old, was to stand there and keep his hands up in case someone went crazy and kicked.

The speaker didn't fall into the crowd. What? So Phil's job was to stand on the side, the edge of the stage, like, right there. And he said, and fucking Hendricks is right above me. So this is, like, 1969.

C
Whoa, whoa. And he's, like, mesmerized. And I remember he was smoking pot. This is back when I didn't even smoke weed. He was smoking pot in the green room or in his dressing room, rather, at newsradio.

B
Wow. You tell me these stories. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He smoked. Oh, yeah, he loved to smoke weed.

He would smoke weed and go to strip clubs. What? Yeah, Phil Hartman took to. Took me to a strip club and he smoked weed, and he would treat the ladies as if they were displaying amazing works of art. Like, incredible.

Amazing. This is amazing. I think that would fuck me up. He was so happy. If a dude next to me, I don't like when a dude next to me is horny.

A
I don't like when he wasn't. It was so. I know, but I'm saying, like, if a dude was like, wow, if you. Knew that guy, him, it wouldn't bug you. But he told me the story about him.

B
He's 18 years old, and he's working at the whiskey, and Hendrix was on stage in front of him. He's like, I was watching crazy from, like, 4ft away. Damn. Yeah. And just stand.

This is like Hendrix when he emerged. Like, all of a sudden, there's like this. You think, like, Nirvana was new sound. We went from buddy Holly, love me, do voodoo child.

You went from that to voodoo child? Yeah, it was bizarre. Like, it's a big jump. Even, like, take rock and roll, add drugs, move. But people that, like, were, like, rockers, stars would go to see him.

Eric Clapton went to see him and was like, what am I doing? Right? What the fuck am I doing? Like, look at this guy. It's like a kinison.

C
Yeah, everybody's doing Cosby, and then this fat preacher shows up. Yeah, a young comedian special. It was like, Bob whatever. Saget. No, some guy with, like, big shoulder pads.

A
He put balloons in his arm. Like, this is a football. Bob Nelson. Bob Nelson. He's like, oh, and then Saget.

It was on there, and then. And then Kinison was like, hey, I'm about to change everything now with these six minutes. Yep. And just be real. And then dice sold out the guard.

B
Yep, yep. Yeah. Those guys, those two guys, they hated each other, which is crazy. Really? Yeah.

C
Alpha ego. I know. So stupid. It happens. But back then, everybody was so scared.

B
It was all dog eat dog. There could only be one, right? It was all like, you had to get on the Tonight show. There's no Internet. Yeah.

And also, there was no, like, arena comics. They didn't exist. Right. Steve Martin got in there, then got out. Me and Nate went over to Spade's house for instant blood championship game, the football game.

A
And then we were looking. He's got, like, a museum of his stuff. And it was him and rock doing evening at the improv. And Nate was like, so you did improvs back then? And he was like, dude, no one did theaters then.

That wasn't even an idea. You would do six days in an improv instead of two if you were successful. It wasn't even a thought. I think Dane was the first guy that did, like, arenas. Regular.

Regular. Really? Yeah. Well, maybe dice. No dice dice for sure.

B
25 years, but nobody for a while. And then Dane came along, and then Dane started doing arenas. When was blue collar. That changed it up, too. They changed it up too.

That was a little bit after that. And kings of comedy and Ron White just emerged. Emerged from that. Yeah, yeah. Like a female.

When Ron White goes on stage at the fucking mothership in Austin, Texas, they know he's from Texas, people go fucking crazy. But it's also like, he's not resting on that. He's part of the reason why I'm here, man. Really? Yeah, because when Ron told me about he moved here in, like, 2017, and I'd call him up and, what the fuck you doing?

He's like, well, man, I fucking love it here. I don't have to travel. I can fucking fly. When I fly, it's like, in the middle of the country. It's great.

People are nice, food's amazing. And I was like, shit. And I started thinking, like, maybe I can live in Texas. I was like, nah, you gotta rethink. Like, I have to be in LA.

Yeah. Back then, like, the podcast was the only thing that I'd ever done that was really, like, taken off. I was like, I can't move. Wow. I'd stay here.

That's crazy. You were relying. Guess you need your guests, but they'll come to you. It was like, weird. It was like, this is this thing that I'm doing that all sudden is popular.

I never thought it was gonna be. It just like all of a sudden it happened. It wasn't a plan at all. Like, Ari was there in the beginning. We opened up a laptop with a fucking webcam.

A
Get in here. Get closer because we won't be on camera otherwise. And the whole thing was just for fun. Yeah. It was almost like I felt like a magnet.

People are watching. That's so cool. Then you gotta get a red band. It was like a thousand people, 2000 people. And then it was just streaming.

B
And then I remember I was on stage at the Chicago theater. This was like years later and I didn't. Still didn't understand how many people watched. Cuz I never looked at the numbers. Yeah, I was like, I don't wanna look at the numbers.

Like, I don't. I just wanna do it. Do my best. That's it. I'm on stage at the Chicago and it's sold out.

It's like 3700 people. I go, so I was telling this story. I go, how many guys listen to the podcast? And it just went, yeah. Whoa.

And I'll never forget that day. I was like, whoa, what year was that? 2011. What? 2011?

Yeah, bro. Somewhere around then I was like, oh, shit, that's wild. I was like, this is crazy. And then I started realizing, what am I doing? Yeah, keep going.

A
Let's get a table. Don't ever ask. Yeah, I didn't ask. I didn't know that story. That's great.

B
It was a weird story because the whole time when we first started doing microphones. Yeah, we had microphones. We had one microphone that would sit on the. Oh, yeah. Ball mic.

Yeah. And then eventually we got microphones. And then we eventually moved it into one of my spare bedrooms. And then eventually I said, okay, too many weird, like, people are coming to my house. Like, this can't be happening anymore.

A
Oh, I remember that. You're like, too many porn stars around my kids. Too many weirdos. We gotta do this at some kind of, like a place. Yeah.

You're like, wait, you're buying a separate place to do this thing? I know. Everyone's like, what? I remember people telling me, why are you spending money on this? I'm like, why do you care what I'm spending money on?

B
What the fuck kind of question is this? Yeah. And there was no future in it. You're wasting your time. It wasn't even like.

A
It's like, there was no. No money in it. No money. There was no money advertiser. There was not anyone.

C
So what was it? What kept driving you? It was fun. It was fun. But it was also like a magnet.

B
I really believe there's a magnet. I think that sometimes fate pulls you into a certain direction. I used to think that's horseshit, but I think there might be a little bit of something to that. Now, maybe you can say that after you've done it and it's become successful. Always fate.

But I don't know, man. Well, I've gone back. Cause they're all still there. Listen to the old ones. And they're old as shit.

C
And you get like a Bill burr. And you guys are connecting on another level. It's weird, because it's not about, like, oh, there's a million people listening. It just felt like a conversation, and it still does. But that's the thing.

B
It's like, if you can just keep that and never pay attention to how many people are listening, but there wasn't. Even an inkling of, like, oh, wait, hold on. I'm not sure if this is true about Doug Stanhope. It'd be like, I don't know. Let's just say it's wild shit.

It would just talk. It, and twelve people listening. And again, like, half the times when you're talking, you don't even know what you're saying while you're saying it. Like, okay, I gotta figure this out. Like, make this sound like a real sentence.

C
Yeah. Yeah. We had no experience. And then Ari was always telling me how to edit it. Yeah, correct.

B
You should make a less than an hour. Incorrect. Nobody wants to watch. I was incorrect. I mean, yeah, that was a big moment.

C
Three minutes or less. That was the thing. Back then, people didn't think that anybody had an attention span. Yeah. They're like, this is the way it goes.

B
And then I'm like, okay, don't listen. I just. I'm just so stoked. Like, well, they can just stop an hour. Yeah.

But I was always just so stubborn. I was like, I'm. Every time anybody's told me to do something different than my instincts, it's always been wrong. So I'm just gonna not listen to anybody ever. We'd do it before in between shows.

A
And then like. And then like, hey, I gotta go on. Joey and Rogan keep going. And then I get off. Joey goes on.

Now me and Rogan are going. And then the ice house. Yeah. And cobbs upstairs at cops. And then Rogan would go on, and me and Joey would do for a while.

B
We did podcasts on a plane. How many pockets on a plane? We swap cast. Yeah, we swap cast. And we did it with the iPhone.

A
We did it with an iPhone. Just recorded with the audio only. And then, God damn, the people around us was like, lower your voices. What are you doing? We brought the stewardess in.

B
The stewardess? Yeah, a bunch of times. My biggest regrets is not asking her if she's ever seen someone fucking a bathroom. Wow, how rude. Has anybody joined the mile high club?

But we would like, don't want just do it here. When we said it was a podcast. They were like, what does that mean? What is that? Nobody knew what it was.

D
Like.

A
Regular conversations, like, hey, so what are we doing late? It was like, yeah, so I was at duck stand.

B
No, no, no. We're sitting in first class. We did one on the way. We did one in a regular. Then we did one on the way to Australia.

That's not a private jet. That's a bunch of people. We did one on the way to Australia. I opened up a box of fucking muffins of marijuana muffins. Allegedly.

A
Allegedly opened it up. And the whole first class cabinet filled with the smell of weed and Joe's like, what the fuck? Get that out of here. You're gonna go to jail forever. How did you do this?

B
No repercussions really happen. That's why didn't really happen because allegedly. One of the beautiful things about podcasts, a lot of times we lie. There's a lot of legend, Lisa, a. Lot of allegedly, a lot of theatrical comedians, like literature.

It's a lot of fun. I got a piss, so let's end this. I beat you on the piss. I love you guys. I love you guys.

D
Normally you on the piss. Yeah, yeah. I love you guys to death. You're the best. Protect our parks to save them always.

C
We love. Love you always. Yeah. God bless America. Go see queen love.

B
Go see queen love.

C
Go see queen love.

B
Go see queen love.

A
Go see queen love.

#2169 - Protect Our Parks 12

Primary Topic

Episode Summary

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Episode Chapters

1: Introduction

2: Geopolitical Implications

3: Corporate Interests vs. Environmental Protection

4: Personal Anecdotes and Reflections

5: Closing Thoughts

Actionable Advice

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