Monica Berg on How to Learn From Mistakes and Move Forward EP 473

This episode focuses on personal empowerment and spiritual growth, offering insights on transforming fear, enhancing relationships, and embracing life's challenges.

1. Transforming Fear: Monica discusses converting fear into empowerment, distinguishing between healthy and illogical fears, and techniques to eradicate detrimental fears that hinder personal growth.
2. Rethinking Relationships: She emphasizes the significance of self-relationship before entering into commitments with others and highlights common red flags in relationships.
3. Embracing Change: Monica encourages embracing life changes proactively, sharing personal stories that highlight the importance of adaptability in life’s unpredictable journey.
4. Personal Growth Through Challenges: She uses her personal experiences and those of her guests to illustrate how challenges can be leveraged for significant personal development.
5. Spiritual Insights: Monica shares her spiritual insights, providing a deeper understanding of how spiritual perspectives can enhance one's approach to life and challenges.

1. Introduction

John R. Miles introduces Monica Berg, setting the stage for a discussion on personal and spiritual growth. Monica Berg: "Transforming fear into power is not only possible, it is essential for personal growth."

2. Overcoming Fear

Monica outlines her approach to transforming and eradicating fear, discussing different types of fear and strategies to handle them. Monica Berg: "Fear is often an illusion, masking our true potential."

3. Building Relationships

The focus shifts to how relationships can foster personal growth, with Monica sharing insights on maintaining authenticity and intimacy. Monica Berg: "Every relationship is a mirror, reflecting parts of ourselves that need attention."

4. Embracing Life Changes

Monica and John discuss the inevitability of change and the importance of adapting to maintain growth and personal happiness. Monica Berg: "Change is the only constant in life, and how we respond defines our journey."

5. Conclusion

The episode wraps up with Monica summarizing key insights and encouraging listeners to apply these principles in their daily lives. Monica Berg: "Embrace your unique path and use every experience as a stepping stone to a better self."

• Confront and Name Fears: Identify your fears specifically to manage and eventually overcome them.
• Cultivate Self-Relationship: Before seeking fulfillment in others, develop a deep and compassionate relationship with yourself.
• Embrace Change: View changes in life as opportunities for growth rather than obstacles.
• Seek Authenticity: In relationships, prioritize authenticity and transparency to build deeper connections.
• Utilize Spiritual Insights: Apply spiritual understandings to everyday challenges to enhance resilience and perspective.

In this episode of Passion Struck, host John R. Miles interviews Monica Berg, a renowned spiritual thought leader and relationship expert. Monica emphasizes challenging perceptions and illusions in relationships and personal growth. She discusses the power of empathy and small acts of kindness, the importance of addressing relationship red flags, and the dangers of a consumer mentality in modern relationships. Monica underscores self-awareness and self-improvement as keys to healthy relationships. Her insights focus on overcoming personal limitations, rethinking perceptions, and building lasting connections through empathy and self-reflection.

People

Monica Berg, John R. Miles

Companies

None

Books

"Rethink Love," "Fear Is Not an Option," "The Gift of Being Different" by Monica Berg

Guest Name(s):

Monica Berg

Content Warnings:

None

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Earning your degree online doesn't mean you have to go about it alone. At Capella University, we're here to support you when you're ready, from enrollment counselors who get to know you and your goals to academic coaches who can help you form a plan to stay on track. We care about your success and are dedicated to helping you pursue your goals. Going back to school is a big step, but having support at every step of your academic journey can make a big difference. Imagine your future differently at capella.edu.

John R. Miles
Coming up next on passion struck, we. Take everything with our five senses very seriously. I see this, I smell that, I taste that, and then that's an absolute, which is not the reality. In reality, everything's an illusion. Things we can't see are the things that are most powerful, like empathy, our compassion, even.

Monica Berg
That's allowing us to talk right now, right? We're not seeing all of the particles, the waves that are working for us to be able to communicate in different parts of the world. But we, we take what we see as everything, and it gets us into trouble. Welcome to passion struck. Hi, I'm your host, John R.

John R. Miles
Miles, and on the show we decipher the secrets, tips, and guidance of the world's most inspiring people and turn their wisdom into practical advice for you and those around you. Our mission is to help you unlock the power of intentionality so that you can become the best version of yourself. If you're new to the show, I offer advice and answer listener questions. On Fridays. We have long form interviews the rest of the week with guests ranging from astronauts to authors, CEO's, creators, innovators, scientists, military leaders, visionaries, and athletes.

Now let's go out there and become passion struck. Hello, everyone. Welcome back to episode 473 of Passion Struck. Consistently ranked as one of the top five most inspirational podcasts in the world, and a heartfelt thank you to each and every one of you who returned the show weekly, eager to listen, to learn, and to discover new ways to live better, to be better, and to make a meaningful, meaningful impact in the world. If you're new to the show, thank you so much for being here or you simply want to introduce this to a friend or a family member, and we so appreciate it when you do that.

We have episode starter packs, which are collections of our fans favorite episodes that we put into convenient playlists that give any new listener a great way to get acclimated to everything we do here on the show. Either go to passionstruck.com starterpacks or Spotify to get started. I'm excited to announce that my new book, Passion struck, won best nonfiction book at the International Book Awards. It is also winner of the Eric Hoffer Book Awards, the best business Minds Book awards, and won the gold at the nonfiction Book Awards. It's also been recognized by the next big Idea club as a must read.

You can purchase it on Amazon or go to passionstruck.com dot. And in case you missed it, earlier this week I interviewed James Ray, the visionary leader who transformed Ashley Stewart against all odds from his humble beginnings as a high school teacher to becoming the self described least qualified CEO of a struggling fashion retailer. James Story is one of resilience, innovation and the transformative power of kindness. And if you liked that previous episode or today's, we would so appreciate you giving the five star rating and review. They go such a long way in bringing more people into the passion star community, introducing them to everything that we do here on the podcast, and most importantly, helping people to create an intentional life.

And I know we and our guests love to hear your feedback. Today we have the distinct privilege of diving into the mind of a truly transformative figure in the world of spiritual growth and personal empowerment. Monica Berg Monica is not only an acclaimed international speaker and spiritual thought leader, but also the author of influential books such as fear is not an option, Rethink Love and the gift of being different. Her profound insights resonate through her role as the co host of the spiritually hungry podcast and her regular features on GMA Three's Faith Friday series. Throughout her career, Monica has dedicated herself to helping others forge paths toward not just surviving, but thriving.

Her mission is powerful and clear, to show individuals how to craft a life that truly works, a life where they're not only living, but loving as the powerful, fulfilled individuals they aspire to be. In today's episode, Monica will share her unique insights on transforming fear into power, rethinking relationships from the ground up, and living authentically in a world that often pressures us to conform. We'll explore practical strategies for personal growth, how to spot and overcome relationship red flags, and the ways in which gratitude can fundamentally change our daily experiences. Prepare to be inspired as we we embark on this journey with Monica Berg. Let's dive in.

Thank you for choosing passion struct and choosing me to be your host and guide on your journey to creating an intentional life. Now let that journey begin.

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John R. Miles
I am absolutely honored to have Monica Berg on passion struck. Welcome Monica. Thank you. It's good to be here with you. Today looking at your background.

As I was doing my research on this. You have three books. You do all kinds of work around spirituality, relationship building, personal development. Is there a core philosophy that connects all these diverse works? Yes.

Monica Berg
I fundamentally believe in leaving this world differently than how we came into it. And I believe in transformation and growth. So all of my work is surrounded around that. In fact, I came into this world kind of very like most, not really wanting change, not enjoying it. It's usually something that's forced on us.

And now I call myself a change junkie where I actually seek out change. And I know that the more flexible I am, the more open I am, the happier, more fulfilled I will live. And I believe that for everybody. So a lot of my work, all my work is really around that idea. And I also don't believe in suffering.

I think pain, suffering, any negative emotion we have is there to wake us up, to change our state and we're meant to then move from that and create a fulfilling, joy filled, purpose filled life. So a lot of my work, again, is around that and giving people tools, tips and inspiration to do so. And I'm interested in your backstory because I reached that profound conclusion myself. I go about my mission differently than you do, of course, but I had been leading a life where I found I wasn't true to myself. I wasn't living authentically the life that I am now.

John R. Miles
Did you find something similar happened to you? Well, I think that for the people that are really come in the world curious, I did. I felt very connected to something greater than myself. And that was when I was a child. And then through teenage years, high school years, I lost my way.

Monica Berg
And I remember that one day I was looking through a photo album and I was looking at my childhood pictures and I started crying. And I recognized that the tears were not about, oh, look, I was cute, or, we used to live here and now we're here. It was more about where what happened to her, that person that believed in growth and connection and felt like I was living an authentic life, that I was living with integrity. And I felt that I was not at that point. So that was the first wake up for me.

And then I stumbled upon the wisdom of Kabbalah. And it was something that when I found it again, I was like, I knew it. I had found the thing that I always knew. It was within me. And then I started to take my spiritual pursuit very seriously.

It's not to say that I didn't still, I was a teenager, right? That I still didn't make mistakes, that I didn't have pain. But the difference was that once I had that wake up of, oh, I know, there's a way, I have answers now. I have a path that any pain that I went through, I understood that it was my responsibility to find the purpose of it and thereby my growth and thereby become happier and more fulfilled. So it was a formula I discovered early on, and that has served me throughout my life.

So it wasn't like I went all the way down the rabbit hole, although I did, funnily enough, even though I was studying spirituality, I developed an eating disorder. And that was the darkest time of my life. And I was in my early twenties, and the wisdom really showed me a way out of that. And eventually I became healthy. So I wanted to dive into one angle of what you were just discussing.

John R. Miles
I recently published a book a couple months ago, and it lays out these twelve different principles to creating what I call as a passion struck life. But the first principle is all about this concept of life crafting. And one of the things I really hone in on is that when we craft our life, so many of us are stuck in the state of being our ought self, of who we think we should be, instead of becoming our ideal self. And so I tell people, a great starting point is to understand what is your uniqueness and how do you leverage it in the service of others. And you've written about this from the aspect of the gift of being different.

What's one piece of advice you could give to someone struggling to accept or even find their uniqueness? Well, the Oscar Wilde quote comes to mind. Be yourself. Everybody else has already taken the world that we live in today, especially now. People are so afraid to be different when it goes back to unstressed, real times where we don't want to be ostracized.

Monica Berg
We need to be part of a group. We all want to belong, but we sadly think that fitting in means belonging. So the message in the book, and I co wrote it with my youngest, I have four children. She has dyslexia. And when she discovered, she started to feel different, right?

She started to explain to me and share how she wasn't like everybody else in the class. It took her longer to complete tests. They'd be on to the next subject, or they'd go on to recess. And she was still struggling. She needed so much help after school, tutors, homework, help.

I mean, it went on and on. And at second grade, she was already exhausted. And one day she came to me and she said, do I need all this extra help because I'm stupid? And then I realized, really? And at that point, we started to get her tested.

I realized that, wow, first of all, none of my children are going to go through life feeling like that. And I felt so happy and grateful that she felt comfortable to talk to me about it. But I explained to her that she is exceptionally intelligent. She just learns in a different way. And it's called dyslexia.

And we just need to see how her brain comprehends information, how she can take it in. And more than that, she's able to see things that nobody else can see because of the dyslexia. So actually, it's a great superpower. So we reframe that this difference that she has is her superpower. And the bigger message, the broader message of the book, is that everybody has a superpower.

Usually the thing that makes us different is something that we feel ashamed about. We try to hide, we try to make ourselves small. We try to make ourselves just like everybody else. But if I ask you very practically, the answer is obvious. If we were all the same, what would life be like?

We'd be really bored. There wouldn't be any innovative creations. We wouldn't be living in the world that we are. So it's to really point the obvious truth out and inspire people to allow yourself to be seen for the unique, beautiful person that you are. Instead of trying to hide to be something else.

John R. Miles
Thank you for sharing that. I recently did an episode with Lacrosse icon Paul Rabelais, and as he and I were talking, I discovered that he had a learning difficulty, and it's actually the same one that I have and that my daughter has, which is an auditory processing disorder. And I guess I felt the same way that your daughter did for so many years. I felt that there was something wrong with me because the other kids who were around me were learning things so much quicker than I was. And I had trouble paying attention in class, really understanding what the teacher was doing, and constantly had to really use reading and writing as ways to remember what was being taught.

So I can completely understand where she's coming from and why your guidance to her is so important. But the beautiful part also of the story is that she inspired me so much. This is why we wrote the book. She was able to reframe how she thought about dyslexia. Within 24 hours, we spoke about it.

Monica Berg
I gave her examples of other people who have dyslexia, and they are brilliant, not in spite of it, but because of having dyslexia. Like Albert Einstein, Steven Spielberg. There's a long list of people. So she started to get excited about it, and then she was able to feel differently about it. The next day.

She literally went to everybody in our immediate family, and she said, I have a superpower. It's dyslexia. What's yours? She was proud about it, and it shifted everything for her. Again, the superpower, too.

Is that because it's so hard for her to learn the way other people do, her brain has created other shortcuts to see things that other people don't see, to notice things that other people wouldn't. And actually, when she was being diagnosed, she was with the doctor in her office, Doctor Laura. And they were there for two days, for many hours. And one day, the light, it was so sunny outside, which is not usual for New York all the time, but it was so bright and sunny, and the sun was shining into their eyes, and. And then doctor Laura could see that Abigail was squinting.

And she said, I know. I've been in this office for three years. It's so annoying when the sun is strong. It goes in our eyes. And Abigail said, I wonder why you don't have blinds?

And she says, I know. I need to get them now. Abigail is in the second grade, right? 15 minutes go by, and Abigail says, excuse me, Doctor Laura. I see that there's a hook on the wall.

I think you probably have blinds. You just can't see them. They might be hidden. So they go and they look, and there were blinds there all along. It's that kind of thing.

If you start to challenge yourself not to accept whatever makes you feel lack or different or less than as proof that you're not good enough or fill in whatever the enough is, right, smart enough, thin enough, whatever it is, if you start to say, wow, I'm different, how can that be something that's so powerful you step into your power? So again, I mean, that's with that one book. But it's the bigger message of what I share.

John R. Miles
In your book. Fear is not an option. You advocate for eliminating fear completely, and what you were just talking about is an example of eliminating the fears that we face. How do you think this approach has transformed your life? Because I talk about oftentimes that we need to confront our fears, but how do you bridge that gap between confronting them and eliminating them completely?

Monica Berg
I love the question. Funnily enough, I started to. We teach what we need to learn, right? So I started to write about fear and speaking about fear when I was still struggling with some of my past fears and understanding and challenging the relationship that I wanted to have with fear. Because fear is part of life.

If you're alive, you're going to have moments where you're scared. It's human. The question, or what's really in your control, is, are you going to let it lead you? Are you going to tell fear where it should belong? So when I was doing this work and this research and lecturing, I was in London and I had a talk to give on fear.

And I don't know if you've been to London, but there's the taxi drivers there. They studied for a few years. There's a lot of different roads and ins and outs and back ways in London, and you really have to, like, study to be a taxi driver. But Uber had just come out, and I was like, I'll just call an Uber. Which was a big mistake.

This driver had. He was hopelessly lost. And we were in the city. It wasn't like I knew where we were. I'm like, I think you're supposed to turn left.

But I wasn't really sure. And I'm starting to be frightened because I'm now becoming late for the lecture. And randomly, whatever was playing on his radio was a woman speaking about how she's going to help people learn to be comfortable with fear and learn to manage fear and learn to live with fear. And I thought, well, you've got it all wrong. You want to learn to eradicate fear.

So the first step is really to look at your fear, right? You have to name it. What is this fear? When you name something, you already have a better understanding of it. And there are three types of fear.

There's healthy, there's real, and there's illogical. So healthy fear is like it sounds. It's set up for your survival and your safety. Let's say that you go too close to an open flame. You pull your hand back, or you're walking, you're hiking, and you're too close to the edge of the cliff.

Your heart starts beating, you jump back. So it's there to protect you. And even intuition falls under that. I'll tell you a quick side story that I wrote about in the book is there was a woman who was in Murray, Utah. And one day she was approached by somebody, by a police officer.

And he said, hi, excuse me. She was at a parking lot. And he said, your car has been broken into, and we've apprehended the suspect. We come back to the station with me. And she felt that feeling in her gut.

I'm not really sure. She asked to see his identification, and he showed her. So, reluctantly, she decided to go with him. And they get in his car, and they start driving on the highway, and she notices that they're actually driving in the opposite direction from the station. So she puts her right hand because she's in the passenger seat on the door handle.

And she says to me, you're going the wrong way. Well, then he realizes what she's about to do. He tries to handcuff her with the one arm that's not driving. She's able to jump out of the moving car. He jumps out, he chases her.

She gets away, and two days later, or a day later, she's reading the newspaper, and she sees that same day, the day before, a woman was apprehended by somebody who said they were a police officer and she was raped and killed. And this police officer was Ted Bundy. So that kind of fear, healthy, it's there for your protection and your survival. Real fear is based in reality. It's things that do happen.

Fear of aging or getting ill or losing our loved ones, right? These are fears because they do happen, and nobody really wants that. But even this kind of fear can be a motivator for change. So if you have that fear, for instance, of losing a loved one, make sure that your time with them is purposeful, that you tell them, that you love them, that you treat them well, and you treat them as you really feel inside. Right?

If you're afraid of disease or sickness, have a healthier lifestyle. Avoid too much sugar, exercise, move right? So that kind of fear also can be used for something that helps you. Illogical fear is what really plagues us 99.9% of the time. It's fear of rejection, heights, failure fighters, public speaking, right?

It's all of those things that we stop living our lives because of that. So if a person's afraid of flying, they might never travel the world. They'll wake up every single day with the same view, the same experience, the same schedule. It's a life cut short. I can give you every example of how that kind of fear limits us.

And the thing with fear is that the one thing that it steals from everybody is that it steals our potential of what we could be. And that's why I say we have to eradicate fear, because that kind of fear, which is the one we experience the most. And by the way, it feels really real, right? Our palms sweat, our hearts race, and we feel like, oh my God, I'm going to die because of this. This fear is so real, but it's really just an illusion.

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Monica Berg
With the $5 meal deal at McDonald's, you pick a McDouble or a McChicken, then get a small fry, a small drink, and a four piece McNuggets. That's a lot of McDonald's for not a lot of money. Price and participation may vary for a limited time only. Earning your degree online doesn't mean you have to go about it alone. At Capella University, we're here to support you when you're ready, from enrollment counselors who get to know you and your goals to academic coaches who can help you form a plan to stay on track.

Capella University Announcer
We care about your success and are dedicated to helping you pursue your goals. Going back to school is a big step, but having support at every step of your academic journey can make a big difference. Imagine your future differently at capella.edu.

John R. Miles
Thank you for sharing that, Monica. And I have an ancillary question to that when I think of what you were just talking about, I think of this picture in my mind where a person is standing on the edge of a chasm, looking over what could be their life in the distance on the other side of the chasm. And oftentimes when we're looking at this, we don't see a bridge in between the two. And we're fearful because we've become so accustomed to the life that we're living that even though we know it could be better on the other side, it's so difficult to make that first step, to take that leap of faith and confront that fear that's in the back of all our minds. What would be your suggestion for someone, if they're in that exact point right now in their life, on how do they create that inertia or activation energy to take that first step?

Monica Berg
I give a lot of tips in my book. It's a three part book, and third part are all these tips and tools. But I think the first thing is when you find yourself with a fear, because the thing about fear is that not only do you bring them along with you, right, the fears that you have from your childhood, then they affect how you deal with other fears, and it goes on and on. So not only do you start to collect fears, then you start to grow more. So if you're not constantly challenging the fear and trying to eradicate it, you start to collect more, and you become really a fear based person, which is not how we come in the world.

If you ever watch a child learning to walk or ride a bike, they do all kinds of things, and they don't have this fear that they're led by curiosity, right? They're led by the desire to learn and to know and to enjoy. So first is check in where you are in terms of curiosity when a fear comes. And I. This is how I started eradicating the fears as soon as I started to recognize a new fear.

First I overcame the ones from my childhood, right? I had a fear of my uncle who became schizophrenic, seemingly overnight to my nine year old eyes. And I thought it was contagious. So years and years that plagued me, if I ever was. I'm a long distance runner.

If I ran by somebody who looked like they had schizophrenia, I'd hold my breath. I know it's illogical. I thought I would catch it, right? I had a fear of elevator. But then we moved to elevators.

We moved to New York City. I couldn't take that fear with me. I was able to remove that fear. I don't have that fear anymore. So it is possible, 1000%.

You have to know that it's possible. But your desire. Right. My desire to move to New York was greater than the fear of elevators. Because you can't avoid elevators in New York.

I certainly could. When I lived in California and I had been known to go on a 20 miles run, let's say I was at a hotel and I came back and I didn't have my cell phone and I didn't have water left. I would walk up 25 flights of stairs and I didn't need any more exercise. Right. That's how big that fear was.

But when I moved to New York and I had done a lot of this work and I was writing the book like this, fear does not need to come with me anymore. So the first thing you have to ask yourself, if fear was not an option, what would the option be? Just by saying fear is no longer an option, your mind already starts to fill in the blanks of what could be an option for you. The other thing is to do exposure, right? Try small things.

Let's say you're afraid of driving on the highway. Well, then don't start driving during rush hour and just drive like when it's least crowded from one exit to the next exit. Small change after small change creates great change. But you have to really look at like, what your life is like on the other side of the fear, right? You're entertaining the fear now.

You're feeding it. It's becoming bigger and bolder. Do you want to live that existence or your desire to go travel the world? Is that greater? So it's really about how much desire you have inside.

John R. Miles
So earlier this week that you and I are doing this podcast, unfortunately, I lost my sister to pancreatic cancer. And you talking about New York just made me think of her so much because she used to live on the Upper west side and she graduated from Columbia University where she got one of her masters. But when you talk about this fear confronter in the midst of her battling pancreatic cancer, she had been for many years of her life searching for what she was called to do. And she found it right about the time that she got her diagnosis. And one of the things that really I admired about her is she could have just gone to her deathbed with that gap in her life, but instead she decided to pursue a master's degree in social work because she felt like she wanted to give to others.

And even in this time, when she was battling, she confronted that fear of change and made the change that she hoped she would have lived longer to undertake. And I think by doing it, she ended up creating a lasting imprint on many of the people that she was helping because she was trying to work with people who were facing life altering events themselves or kids who were dealing with suicide or other things. And seeing the comments from people who have responded to the Facebook posts that my family have put out really has showcased to us that she has left a lasting imprint. Can you share your perspective along those lines on what it means to live a life that leaves a lasting imprint? I think, first of all, again, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Monica Berg
And I think your sister sounds like a beautiful person, and I love that you shared this. I think that it sounds like she absolutely will lead a lasting imprint. A lot of what we teach and what I live by is you want to plant seeds that, let's say you have a plant seeds of a fruit tree, and it might be fruit that you'll never be able to eat from, but you plant the tree because so many others will be able to partake from it. And to me, that's what a legacy is. That is really, truly our purpose.

It's not about, you know, how many awards we have. It's not about any of those external things. It's about if you changed one life, because you never know what that one life will do. The lives that your sister saved. Right?

People who were suicidal, the people that she inspired, her legacy. Her lasting imprint is not just in what she did that we can see today. It's what those people will do and who they will become and then how they will affect the world. And I think that's the most beautiful thing that anybody can do in this lifetime, is to be able to make an imprint like that, where they've changed somebody else's life for the better. And then those people go on and do other great things, too.

That's why we're here. So it's such a beautiful story. And I think that sometimes people's lives are cut shorter and we can understand it, right? I lost my father three years ago, and I look at people three times my age that still have their parents, and I sometimes think, I wonder why my father wasn't supposed to experience certain things, like my children getting married or seeing certain things that I've done that I know he'd be really proud of. But I do feel him, and I feel like he's with me.

But I also know that whatever he had to do in this lifetime he did. And I think your sister sounds like an angel, and she probably just didn't need to be in this physical world anymore. And she can help from above. That's my belief, but. Well, thank you for sharing that.

John R. Miles
And I think so many people get caught up with thinking that to leave a lasting imprint, it means that they have to live without regrets. And I think sometimes as I look back, there are things that you would think I would regret doing in life. But sometimes those choices that I made were important stepping stones, even if they were incorrect choices to who I've become. Now, what's your feeling on when people say, live a no regrets life, or you can live a life without regret? Because I think it's important to have some regrets.

I had this discussion and a deep dive with Dan Pink on this topic, and he changed my thought process on it because I used to be one of those people who thought, live without regret. But I've come to realize that some regrets are important because I think they guide us to who we need to become. It's so interesting because out of all of the negative emotions, I think all emotions are necessary, negative and positive. I think they're there to, again, wake us up and help us course correct. Out of all the negative emotions, I find regret to be the most distasteful and unpleasant.

Monica Berg
And funnily enough, I have become very emotionally intelligent with myself so that I'll make better choices so that I would have less regret. But I found in the last year, actually, there was one regret I had that I couldn't shake. Because the thing about regret, and that's why it's so painful, is that once that opportunity is gone, usually that same opportunity isn't there. Whether you now don't have that option or you're too old for, let's say, if somebody who wanted to have a child and they never did, right, there's certain things that you actually cannot go back and rechoose. Or.

I hear this a lot with women who had abortions when they were younger and then they were infertile later, and they think it's their fault, which not. So the thing with regret. So what I did with the one that I had the last year, it was a similar opportunity, but different, and I had to go the extra mile. So I went down this really uncomfortable path. I had doubt along the way, but I saw it through and it didn't work out, by the way.

I did not get the outcome that I wanted, but the regret was completely removed. So I think the thing with regret, not to look back, like, what is done, learn from it, grow from it, let it inform other decisions. But I think that there will be other opportunities in life that will bring up a similar feeling where you're like, oh, I don't know which decision to make, or, this is really difficult. I say, go all the way, head in. And usually it removes that pain of regret.

You'll say, okay, that path I didn't take, I can't take it. It's gone. This other thing that I regret, it's gone. But if you start living a life where you still go out there and you put yourself out there and you make hard decisions and you put yourself in uncomfortable situations, it removes the pain of regret. So I think we need regret.

I think we can shift regret. When I think about this, I often think we get too concentrated on looking at what we think is our bucket list. And I think sometimes constantly thinking about the bucket list prevents us from seeing what we've always already accomplished in our life. So something I like to use is the concept of a reverse bucket list, which is to really go through your life and think about all that you've accomplished, how many things that you've done that you never would have thought before you did them that you would have been able to accomplish. And to me, it's a way of really building the courage muscles for the steps that you want to take and how you can confront future regrets that you might have.

Well, it's interesting. It reminds me on my podcast, spiritually hungry, we had Doctor Ellen Langer on. She's really an unbelievable person. I really love her work. But we started talking about this idea, actually about regret and making choices.

And she said, you'll never know if you make the right choice, but you need to make the choice right. Meaning, yeah, Hindsight is 2020. You don't actually know, right? If, let's say, somebody, again, back to the example, decided not to have kids, and then they regret later that they decided that, right? But you don't know if you actually had children.

Maybe you wouldn't have gotten along with that child, or maybe it would have been a source of unhappiness for you. Maybe it would have broken up your marriage. Who knows? So the point is, you're never really going to know. So wherever you are, make that right.

Make that decision work for you. And I think it's such a powerful tool, and it's very useful, very practical. But I think often people like to look back, if only I had, and if I had done. That's the thing with regret, but you just don't even know what that would have looked like. So it's a good reminder to change your view of the past.

John R. Miles
Well, speaking of views, the next topic I wanted to get into is what Israel. How do you rethink what your eyes see? And it's interesting. Your work and mine have several parallels. In my book, I had a chapter called the Perspective Harnesser.

And what I wanted people to see in this chapter was that we often see our world through black or white, and we don't look at it enough as both. And because we're really in this superficial world where we get so convinced that things that we see are the only way you can approach something, see something, witness something, experience something, that we get stuck believing. That's the only way. How do you feel? We can train ourselves to look beyond the surface and rethink our perceptions of reality.

Monica Berg
I love this question because I have so many tips and tools here. We take what we see so very seriously. We take everything with our five senses very seriously. I see this, I smell that, I taste that, and then that's an absolute, which is not the reality. In reality, everything's an illusion.

Things we can't see are the things that are most powerful, like empathy, our compassion, even. That's allowing us to talk right now, right? We're not seeing all of the particles, the waves that are working for us to be able to communicate in different parts of the world. But we take what we see as everything, and it gets us into trouble. I had my first gift of sight when I was anorexic.

So imagine this illusion, right? I'm 21, 22, and I am like size double zero. And I was always a small person anyway, so when I started to lose weight, I went way down, right? And. But the girl that I saw in the mirror was fat.

I saw a really big girl. I thought I was overweight. I used to do the pinch test every morning, which was taking my two fingers and pinching my stomach, which was like skin, but I saw it looking as something much bigger. And of course, that terrified my family and people around me because it was clear that I could not see what they could see. One morning, in the middle of a pinch test, I was in the bathroom, and I had lifted my nightgown up.

And for whatever reason, that day, I saw what I actually looked like. And I call that moment the gift of sight, because I don't think that's normal. I know many people who have not overcome this disorder. And I started screaming and I started crying and I said, mom, and she's running. She thought my heart was going to give out at any time.

She's running to the bathroom. And I looked and I said, what did I do to myself? I was horrified that by my own hands, I had done this to my body. I saw a skeletal version of myself looking back at me in the mirror, and I just thought, oh, my God. At that point, I knew I needed help.

And I also knew, and that's why it was the biggest lesson to me in my life, is that I knew I had a problem, and I knew that I would see the illusion next time I looked in the mirror. I knew that sight that I saw in that moment was not going to stay, but I knew I needed to get help. So it was a reminder for me throughout my entire life that no matter what things look like, they're not true. And it's our responsibility to shift our perspective and our perception of things, how we view them. Our perceptions are powerful on some level, we need to learn to trust ourselves, but it can't be by something again, in the five senses.

It has to be something much more internal. Indeed. And when you start to challenge that, everything changes. So on another practical level, for your listeners, I call it giving the benefit of the doubt. So let's say that you see somebody who's begging for food or money on the street, and you have now made an opinion, right?

You see what you want to see, that they maybe are lazy, that they could be working, that why don't they get a job? Or you could tell yourself a different story, right? Maybe this person just lost her husband. Maybe he was the one making money. Maybe she got ill and she lost her job.

There's so many different scenarios. So I think if we start to open our minds that at least what we think we see and what we understand by what we see may not be true. That's the beginning and the first step. And these absolutes, like black and white. I'll tell you one more quick story.

Like I said, I love this question, because I think it really gets us and catches us into this false reality, and we make poor choices because of it. When my youngest was three years old, we live in New York. We're walking up the steps to our house, and she said, oh, mommy, look. And she's pointing to the planters we have outside. She said, the flowers turned yellow.

I said, oh, I know they're dying. I have to change them. She says, mommy, that's such an ugly word, dying. They're beautiful. Yellow is my favorite color.

Because in her beautiful young mind, she didn't know that meant that they were dying. Right. She just thought magically, the flowers changed from green to yellow. So it's just those little reminders. If you start to train yourself to say at least what I think I see, what I know may not be true.

That's the first step in changing things, because it's never as we see. Yeah. I think this whole concept of changing perceptions is really tied in many ways to overcoming personal limitations, which is a significant theme in both of our works. Along the same lines of misperceptions, what are some common barriers that you see people face continually, and how can they overcome them? The number one barrier that everybody faces is that they don't see the power of their soul.

They don't see the power that they hold within. Nobody thinks they can make a big enough difference, a big enough change, so they don't even try. We often can't even visualize what our potential would look like. So we keep ourselves small and stuck because we're afraid. And we don't know actually me, I can make a change.

No, that's not for me. That's for somebody who has this degree, or that's somebody who has that in the bank account, or that's somebody who has a bigger platform, so we limit ourselves. There was a TED talk by Drew Dudley, and he calls this the power of a lollipop moment. I don't know if you ever watched it, but he. No, I have not.

It was just. It was such a cute story, but it's really. And I've repeated it many times because I think it drives this point home. He was volunteering at a university, and he was dressed in some kind of, like, clown suit or dressed like the mascot or something. And he's going around to the new enrollees, like the freshmen in the college, who are waiting in line, and they're, of course, nervous.

It's the first day of school, and he's passing around lollipops, and he could see this one girl was particularly nervous. And he goes over to her, and he starts to chat her up, and he's talking to her, and she's just, like, shy. And Drew gives a lollipop to the guy behind her in line, and he says, he wear this lollipop. And he does. And then right away, Drew Dudley says, look at your daughter.

Because the parents were with her her first day at school, and she's already accepting candy from a stranger, which broke the ice. And she felt at home because she was ready to drive away that day and not go to college. She was so afraid. Four years later, he gets an email from this woman that the boy behind her in line and her getting married now and from that day they started dating and that it changed her whole life. Like she literally was going to leave.

So it's so silly, right? He gave candy out on a day, but it changed her life, literally. She met her partner, she finished school. So we never know what power we hold within. And if we keep doubting that we have any, we're never going to discover what that would look like or how that could help other people.

John R. Miles
Yeah, I just did this amazing episode with this irish peak performance coach named Jerry Hussey. And he had this great segment on the podcast where he said, every day we have a chance and a choice. We have a chance to better ourselves, we have a chance to eat more healthy. We have a chance to sleep better. We have a chance to reach out to loved ones.

We have a chance to better our relationships. We have a chance to make a difference in someone's life. But it's the micro choices that we make that create either that chance to become a reality or for it to be a missed opportunity to change our lives. And I think it's a great way to look at things because we often try to think that these major changes have to be so big, and it's really these chances that come about, and it's making the choice to lean into them when you have these opportunities. And what I find is when you lean into one, it gives you the courage to lean into more.

And it just makes the process become a foundation that builds upon itself over time. Do you find the same thing? 1000% we are. I think, like you said, people wait for those big moments. I'm going to help in a big way.

Monica Berg
I'm going to make a difference in a big way. It's really about the small things. It's about looking now that you understand this, looking for those lollipop moments, every single moment of every day. If you're walking down the street and you see somebody struggling, open the door for them. If you see somebody who looks sad, smile like it doesn't have to be.

That is what's going to make our world better. That's what's going to make each of us feel more fulfilled and happy. That makes more of a difference than we can possibly imagine. In fact, we've written our second children's book because it's a series of ten. And that book is all about the power of empathy and unhoused people.

And in that book, because Abigail, my youngest, is the narrator, she's looking at somebody who is unhoused. And she has this thought, because it's a whole story and I won't go into all the details, but she thought this person was once like me. They had parents, they had a roof under their head. They had food to eat. Like, how did they get from that right to where they are now?

And that you can always offer a kindness, even if you just see somebody who feels unseen is truly powerful. Yes, I so agree with you. And one of the things that you were discussing was how that couple found love. And I know that you've helped thousands of couples navigate their relationships. And one of the most common issues I'm seeing, I'm not sure how you feel about it, is it seems like so many relationships today are transactional, meaning people aren't in it for the long haul.

John R. Miles
And when things get difficult, I see so many people walking away from relationships and not sticking through those hard parts, which oftentimes on the other side is what so strengthens a relationship and makes it lasting. From my perspective, is this a common issue among couples? And if so, do you have a go to strategy for addressing it? Well, yeah, I do agree. It's a lot of consumer mentality.

Monica Berg
And then people at some point have buyers remorse. They want to send the person back. And especially in our culture today, everything is so fast, so quick, so many options. You don't like this? There's another option.

You don't like that. There's another thing. So I think it makes for dating and commitment and relationships much more challenging. I see it with my older kids who are now wanting to date and the things that they're looking for and what other people are looking for is just not aligned necessarily. And I think the other big part of that is that we all have a cherished illusion of what we think a relationship will bring us.

I think that's the first place to start, is what is your illusion? Everybody has one. And the danger with illusions is that eventually that illusion is shattered. So, for instance, when I got married, my illusion, I married somebody who's very spiritual. My illusion was, once I marry him, I'm going to be naturally transported to a higher level of elevation, and I don't necessarily need to do the work myself.

Of course, that was shattered within the first six months. My illusion wasn't dangerous because I didn't have an illusion about who I married, but rather who I would be in the marriage. So I think it's to get really clear with yourself of what are you looking for and why do you want it. And those things that you're looking for, do you, do you have that yourself? Are you living that yourself?

Because that's the first place to start tracks. So if you want those qualities in somebody and you are looking for certain things, make sure that you're actually living it, and then you might decide that's not actually what you want at all. So I think the first part of any relationship is the relationship you have with self. It's the step most people miss, because when we're lonely and we're looking for love or we're a certain age or our biological clock is ticking, we look externally for those things to fulfill us, and we're in a rush. Instead, you have to really start with self.

And. And also a big thing that I believe is that every relationship's a mirror and it's there to teach us something. So I think often people exit a relationship too early, even if it's not going well, because you've made it all about that person, instead of saying, okay, well, what do I need to see in myself? Or what can I learn from this relationship? So you don't make the same mistakes with somebody else if this person isn't, in fact, the one for you?

Or maybe they are, but you're just at a roadblock, and you need to stop and see what needs to be built mostly in yourself and then in the relationship. So I can't talk about relationships without talking about relationships red flags. And about a year and a half ago, I was interviewing John Kim and Vanessa Bennett. I'm not sure if you know them, but they're relationship experts as well. And I happen to ask them this question.

John R. Miles
What do you think is the biggest relationship red flag? And John gave me an unexpected answer from my perspective. He said that he thinks the number one thing that breaks up relationships is when people compete. I wanted to ask you, what is your thought on that? And what would be your top two or three relationship red flags?

Monica Berg
Well, here's the thing with competition. Yeah, I think that's definitely an issue, and I would call it something else. I think that's connected to the biggest red flag, but I have others would be ego. I always say that's the third party in the relationship. And that's why spirituality is important, because ego will always show up, especially in relationships.

I think you can be competitive. I'm a competitive person, but I'm competitive with myself. Right. If I was competing against my husband all the time that would create a dynamic where we're not really friends. And friendship is a huge part of any successful relationship.

And in fact, it's the part that's usually lost at the beginning, because now you found the one, and now you're going to spend time with other people outside the relationship, your friends who might not challenge you, and you stop having fun together, and then where is the friendship? So I would call it ego, which is related to, I think, being competitive. Ego always wants to be right. Ego never wants to apologize. Ego wants to have the last word.

Ego wants to be heard and not necessarily listens. And it's the thing that really stops people from connecting and being vulnerable with each other. So I would say, sure, some people are going to have big egos, but it's about recognizing the ego and then understanding that you need to keep it at bay, I think is really important. Some other red flags, I think would be if your partner is not kind, if they're not compassionate, and if you don't have the same core values or beliefs, I think that's huge.

John R. Miles
Well, speaking of that, I think when it comes to those things, people change. And change is inevitable in relationships. What would be your advice for couples looking to embrace change without losing the core connection that they have? Well, here's the thing about change, especially in relationships. I always get a laugh when I meet with couples and I start counseling them and they're like, I don't know what happened.

Monica Berg
He was never like this before, or I don't know, this is not who I married. Well, duh. They're not going to be, and they're not supposed to be. Change is the law of life, and there's no such thing as a stable relationship. There can be happy ones, but not stable.

So what ensures that a couple will be able to weather the change? Right? Because change is scary. After all, what if your partner doesn't like who you become? What if you don't like who they become?

The glue is if you make a commitment to changing together and holding each other accountable for that change. So first you have to understand that change is a constant. Your choice, your free will, is, are you going to change for the better or for the worse? Are you moving forward or are you moving backwards? So especially, let's look at, like a challenging situation.

My second son was born with down syndrome. It was a definitely a pivotal point in our marriage and our relationship. We met many couples who had been through the same situation and they got divorced. It's a high statistic for people who have a child with a disability for it to eroding the relationship just because people blame each other or they feel just disconnected, all kinds of things happen. But for my husband and I, we leaned into each other.

We understood that this was a big change, and it was going to be a change that we decided in which way it was going, and it became the best thing that ever happened to us for many reasons. We love Josh, and he's a blessing. And also for our relationship, it changed how we were as a couple. We were vulnerable in ways we had never been able to be before. We knew how on our worst days of our lives, how we show up for one another.

Like, it was a really beautiful shift in our relationship. And I remember a few years ago, I was on Maria Menouness podcast, and we were talking about this idea of change, and she said, oh, my God, Annika, you're so right. I remember I actually have a picture of a moment like that. And she was leaving e where she was working and she was going on to another job that she was actually even more excited about. And she has a picture of herself that last day at E.

Entertainment, and she remembers the suit she was wearing, and she's super happy and best day ever. The next day, she finds out that her mother has brain cancer, like stage four, and her mother died shortly thereafter. But she remembers how much she changed that next day. Right? And she looked at that picture and she said, that girl is not here anymore.

Now, she decided how to change after that, but she recognized that change had occurred. Our choices in which way we want to do it. And I think, unfortunately, in relationships and couples, they don't respect this idea so much. They don't make it a priority, and they don't bring each other in the communication when they're changing, when they're recognizing things about themselves that are different, that's so important. Allow your partner to be part of your journey, and hopefully they'll do the same as well.

John R. Miles
What you also didn't mention is after her mom was diagnosed with that brain tumor, she herself gets diagnosed with a brain tumor. Yeah. I had her on passion struck because we were talking about pancreatic cancer and some of the other things that she's been through to bring more awareness to it. But such a amazing woman and so inspiring, inspiring story. Well, I wanted to end on this question.

You're launching a new multi part digital series called rethink it. What inspired you to create the rethink it series? And what unique insights can people who experience it expect to gain from it. I'm super, super excited about this. I've written a book on relationships rethink love.

Monica Berg
But this masterclass is really helping people. Basically everything we discussed to change their perspective, to understand the idea of change, to recognize red flags, to cultivate a relationship with themselves. I think it is a jumpstart to really rethink how you view relationships, what you expect from them, maybe how you settle for certain ones that aren't serving you. And it's a moment, it's a 90 minutes masterclass where I think I know people will walk away with clarity and a sense of direction and purpose, of where they want to take their lives and the relationships going forward. Well, I can't wait to check it out.

John R. Miles
And Monica, what are some of the best ways for a listener to get to know more about you, your podcast, your books, everything? Thank you. You can go to my blog, rethinklife today. You can find rethink it love masterclass on spiritually hungry life. You can check out my podcast, spiritually hungry, and you can get my books rethink love.

Monica Berg
Fear is not an option. The gift of being different on Amazon. Monica, such a joy and honor to have you on today's show. Thank you so much for joining us. Thank you.

And thank you for showing up in this difficult time. Really, thank you. Thank you. What an incredible honor that was to interview Monica Berg. And I wanted to thank Jessica Redda and Monica for the privilege and honor of her appearing on today's show.

John R. Miles
Links to all things Monica will be in the show. Notes@Passionstruck.com dot please use our website links if you purchase any of the books from the guests that we feature here on the show. Videos are on YouTube at both our main channel at John R. Miles and our clips channel at Passion struck clips. Please go check it out and join over a quarter million other subscribers.

Advertiser deals and discount codes are in one convenient place@passionstruck.com. deals please consider supporting those who support the show. I'm at Johnr Miles on Twitter, Instagram, TikTok, LinkedIn and all the social platforms where I post daily bits of inspiration. If you want to flex your courage muscles, then consider signing up for our weekly challenge that comes out in our newsletter titled Live intentionally, which you can find@passionstruck.com. dot are you curious to find out where you stand on the path to becoming passion struck?

Dive into our engaging passionstruck quiz. Crafted to reflect the core principles for my latest book, this quiz offers you a dynamic way to gauge where you stand on your journey to becoming passion struck, head over to passionstruck.com right now. The quiz will take you only about ten minutes and consist of 20 questions. You're about to hear a preview of the Passionstruck podcast that I did with the legendary Dave Linegar. Known for his incredible success as the co founder of Re Max.

Dave joins us to discuss his new book, the perfect 1010 leadership principles to achieve true independence, extreme wealth, and huge success. In this episode, we dive into Dave's remarkable journey, exploring the leadership principles that propelled him to the top of the real estate industry. Darwin has been attributed to Saddam saying the strongest of the species survives. That's not what he said at all. He said the most adaptable of the species survives.

E
The dinosaurs were the strongest. They disappeared 70 to 100 million years ago. Mosquito is still with us. The mosquito has proven to be more adaptable than dinosaurs ever were, and so adaptability is an incredible part of being a leader and leading other people. You have to learn to adapt to it.

You can't be afraid. 25 years ago, technology started coming in the industry and I kept saying most real estate agents don't need technology, they need a customer. Remember that we rise by lifting others. So share this show with those that you love and care about. And if you found today's episode useful, then definitely share this with people who could use Monica Burbs and Verge in words.

John R. Miles
In the meantime, do your best to apply what you hear on the show so that you can live what you listen. Until next time, go out there and become passion struck.

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