Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-6-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Ooh. Just checking in to see how you're doing.

Is that what I'm really doing, or is I'm just reacting like I'm checking in on you just so I can run my fucking yeah. For another 30 minutes? I think that's more what it is. Um, but what I'm acting is like, I'm doing it for you, right? Isn't that what it is?

I gotta tell you, I ran into two people. I'm in Denver, Colorado, right now, home of dirty feet and man buns.

The amount of guys out here that dress like broke women from fucking Tennessee during the dust bowl is just fucking beyond me. Like, the amount of men in fucking man sandals with an unkempt, like, you know, the man bun when, like, I get all the frizzies hanging out of it, and then they got like, that, you know, I'm a mountain man fucking beard. And they're like, you're. It's like you're in a fucking major city.

I can get a nonstop flight from here to fucking London or Paris, wherever the fuck I want to go. What are you doing? What are you doing with this. This c clamp fucking, you know, let's go start a fire with a knife and a rock. Bullshit.

Anyway, so I was facetiming with my kids, and one of my favorite things to do when I go to Denver is I go down to that union station there. They redid. It's a beautiful old station or whatever. And so I went in there to film it, and they're fucking the whole thing up. They got, like, newer benches.

They had, like, older benches. They could look really cool. Last time I was in there now they fucked the whole thing up, and they had this whole area in the middle where people used to hang out. I know they're gonna stick a bunch of shops and shit. I don't know what they're doing, but it looks like they're gonna fuck the whole thing up, right?

Dude, I don't know what the cleaning lady. God damn, man. These fucking sheets smell like shit. What the fuck? It's like she fabrized it with body odor.

All right. Ah, Jesus. It's another thing I'm about to fucking deal with. Oh, my God. You know, like, with that homeless smell.

Okay, this pillow's gone. This one's in. This is good. All right, cool. There was one pillow.

What the fuck happened to that thing? It's like a homeless guy held it between his knees.

Wow. That brought me back to fucking living in New York and going on the subway, you know? Old Frankie never sang about that, did he? When the fucking homeless person. I want to wake up in a city that fucking reeks and have a homeless guy come up to me on the street.

He smells like all the body odor in every gym in the country. Nobody's helping him. Cause we're too busy runnin on the fuckin wheel. And if you can blame the libtards or the fuckin red hats, those corporate cunts will keep winning, ya dumbfucks. Sorry.

Um, maybe if you went, like, fuckin libtards fuckin heavy. Oh, my God. These fuckin red hats, like, the level of stupid that people are, that they actually buy into that shit. I know I talk about this all the time, but it's. It's still fucking happening.

And now the latest thing to do is to blame Russia or China. Like, that's why, that's why Americans are all yelling at each other. It's not because they're fucking. Most of them are acting like moths, going to a light with these fucking goddamn air quote, news channels. It's the Russians and the Chinese, you know?

Come on. They're, what with their flim flam horseshit. Like, you can't tell what a bot is at that point. You're watching somebody fucking show you that. You know, I was today, years old when I learned how to fucking open an avocado correctly.

And then someone in the comments will be like, thanks, Joe Biden's America. And then people just.

It's like talking about avocados here.

You only think fucking mushier than fucking guacamole is Joe Biden's brain laughing my ass up. Anyway, plowing ahead. Um, so, uh, I'm out here, right? And, uh, I go into the train station. I'm filming.

I'm all disappointed, right? I got the camera. So I'm on, like, facetime, and I'm pointing up at the ceiling, and this fucking fat broad goes to me, she goes like, oh, God. She goes, please don't have that camera on. Please don't have that camera on around me.

You know, like she's J. Lo or something. So I just look at her and I'm like, you know, nothing against J. Lo. She's some fucking superstar.

And I just look, I go. I go, what the fuck did I say to her? I just said, like, I go, no one's paying attention to you. I'm not filming you. I want to be like, my fucking camera's not big enough to capture you.

Um, I'm in a public. I mean, I. Listen, I understand what she's saying. I actually thought about. You think, you know what?

I should have been nicer to her. I should have been like, I'm sorry. I'm just facetiming with my kids. They're into trains, but it is annoying. All right, I will give her that.

But the way she came at me, you know, like, with this Dolly Parton diva. I can't go with Dolly either. Why? She's a nice person, right? One of these.

Pick one of them. Who's the one that put her tongue on the donut? You know, like, with that vibe Ariana Grande? Does that reference work? I don't know.

Anyway, plowing ahead here, and then I was coming out of the hotel, and there was this woman, and she's me. She goes, oh. And she's by herself. She goes, can we get a picture? And I'm looking around.

I'm going, who's we? And she points to, like, me and her going, like, we?

And I'm like, oh, I thought when you said we, you had somebody else with you. You kind of weirded me out looking for somebody else. Like, you had, like, an invisible friend or something. She's like, no, we. Like, like, we.

She has so this chippy fucking attitude and this giant rock on her finger. And you know what's amazing about being old? I was just like, oh, my God. I know this person. I know this person.

I know exactly where this relationship ends up three years later is you sitting alone on a bar stool going, why the fuck did it take me that long to get out of that relationship?

Can we. Can we get a picture?

Am I nuts? I mean, it's. It's. Can I get a picture? I'm not getting a picture.

You're getting a picture. You're getting a picture with me. You say, can I get a. Can we get a picture? I'm telling you, I got major narcissist vibes at the very least.

Never, never like, taking responsibility, you know, for, like, if she's in the fucking wrong. I gotta tell you guys, if I can. If I can really stress something, I've been, like, you know, trying to figure out a lot of shit, you know, from when I was growing up, and I've gone down, like, this narcissism, you know, thing here. If you got, like. If you had that in your upbringing, a narcissist, you know, you really have to, like, I don't know, just to try and make it make sense.

And basically, once you learn about a narcissist, the thing that you learn is, like, it's never gonna make sense. Like, that's the sense you make out of it. It's never gonna make sense. So I just view those people like they're mentally ill. So I don't take it personally.

Cause, like, the old me, I would have gone on stage. I would have gone off on her or whatever. Here's the thing, too. Here's the other thing too, the fly in the ointment. I could be 100% wrong.

You guys might be listening right now going like, bill, you're wronger. You're more wronger. You're more wrong about this than you were about stealing home court advantage.

They stole home court advantage. I'm never going to shut up about that. CNN, Fox News, corporate greed and stealing home court advantage. That's, that's what I'm focusing on right now. But, you know, I used to fucking trash broads all the time, so I feel like, you know, I'm doing, I'm doing better with that thing.

I actually think the home court advantage, I can't tell if it's just like a 24 hours news network thing, sports news thing, where it's like, we got to add urgency to the NBA Finals and nobody had the balls to be like, the finals. The urgency is there. We need to add more every quarter. There needs to be more urgency so our stockholders don't get upset.

And there's another part of me that thinks it just comes from the owners where it's like, we need to treat the fans like hot chicks. Like, we have to act like just for the fact that they just did something amazing just because they showed up, you know? You know, I saw this fucking stunner when I was at the airport.

She was wearing a onesie fucking black thing with these white cowboy boots and a white cowboy hat, you know, looking like she was in an awful hair metal video from back in the day. And she had super long legs. And whenever she would go to get up, it was fucking hilarious. She wouldn't just uncross her legs. She'd take the top one and stick it, like straight out and then come all the way up and around.

It's like a fucking show. What? Those village people white cowboy boots against this fucking all black leotard. And I mean, she was gorgeous. I was happy for the guy, but I was just thinking, like, man, when the looks go and that big fucking high leg kick is still in that personality.

That is, that's gonna be a new animal, you know? I mean, you're hanging in. Why wouldn't. She's gorgeous. Hang in there.

But I'm telling you, the personality doesn't develop. She doesn't. You gotta be. I'm telling you, if you really marry a smoking hot chicken, you gotta hope somewhere, I would say around 50 at this point, like, you know, if you really work out and take care of yourself with all the knowledge and shit that's out there and the extra accoutrements and everything, like, I don't think, like, you know, you can look great, right? Until you like your fifties.

You know, if you, me, I hung in there til about 35, but like, if you're a chick, I think you can hang in there till like 50, but after that, if you're married to a hut, you better hope she gets a, gets like a hobby, you know what I mean? Jesus, I'm trying to think, what's a hobby that women are into brunch? Is that a hobby? Come on now. Come on, bill, they gotta have something.

Oh, you know what I was watching the other night, speaking of women? I was flipping through the channels. I go on ESPN and like, I don't know what's going on in the world of women's softball, but there's like 48 games on, on ESPN. One, two and three. I'm just like, whatever happened?

Australian rules football, you know what I mean? I get it. You sport it. You're supporting women's fucking athletics. I think that's a huge fucking mistake on ESPN's part.

It really is. Their only hope is that men are going to watch it because women just, I don't know, they just don't, they're not into watching amazing female athletes, which is weird to me because I watched, except for, like, I think they like, get into like gymnastics and shit. But I don't think that they're into, like, doesn't seem, maybe they will because, like, I don't know, it's a weird thing. Look, I'm wrong about most shit. I mean, it would be cool if, uh, you know, it would be cool is if, as if all those women's sports leagues blew up, you know, because women were watching them, you know, that would be fantastic.

And just see if they were strong enough as people to actually go off and do something by themselves without involving us. Wouldn't that be fucking amazing? Oh, I'm getting them, I'm getting them going today anyway. The NBA Finals start tonight. Stanley cup finally.

I don't know if it started last night. I was traveling yesterday.

I like both teams. I like the Panthers and the Edmonton Oilers. Canada hasn't won a cup in over 30 years, so, you know, even though the Edmonton Oilers, back in the day, beat my bruins in 87 and 90, you know, I'm over it at this point. So I think I'm going to vote for Edmonton because I didn't like how that Bennett guy punched fucking Marshawn in the head and we didn't do anything to him. Like, someone should have beat the fuck out of him.

That's something I hope we address. That's need to. Needed to be addressed, you know? But I know it wasn't dirty because it wasn't a Boston team. So he just plays on the edge.

I believe that's how it works. But if you do it in Boston, it's immediately called cheating.

Anyway, what else? Yeah. So that games tonight, I'll be on stage. So I'm going to be missing an hour and 15 minutes of, you know, in real time, in NBA time, with halftime and all the bullshit, I'll probably miss a couple of quarters. So I'll probably see the first quarter and the fourth quarter, and we shall see what's happening.

But I hope Dallas doesn't win tonight, because not only would we be down one game to none, they would steal home court advantage.

I mean, after four games, do we get it back if it's two, two? Because then there's. It's essentially a three game series, and then there's game five and seven in our building. Did we somehow get it back? Did we steal it back?

Can you steal something that was yours back? Is it then called the recovered home court advantage?

Is it painted a different color because Dallas didn't want to get caught? Anyway. Plowing ahead here.

Yes. Oh, Billy, Billy, stand up, special. I am gearing up here, getting ready to do my special. I did not like my set last night. I thought I was a little grouchier than I needed to be, so I got to work on that.

Um, but I am psyched to, uh, to be out here. I think last time I was out here was the last time I did a special, did one out at Red Rock, so.

Oh, yeah, that's right. And I was coming from St. Louis. Ah, the memories of telling jokes three years ago, standing outside in fucking red rocks with some smelly feet. Anyway.

Oh, Billy, health kick. Billy, health kick. I've been fucking eating right, working out, taking my geritol, you know, at a breakfast bowl this morning with. With an egg that was allegedly raised, crate free chicken was allowed to fucking run around and get banged by a fucking rooster and have a. Yeah, when they lay eggs, is that like, their period?

You know, because they're getting rid of the egg and are they, uh.

Are they fucking, uh, grouchy at that time? How come women don't lay eggs?

This is the most fucked up thought I ever had. Um.

Sorry. That is just bizarre. Um, all right, anyway, there's a couple of drum shops out here. I'm thinking of, uh, going to. I don't know what I'm doing right now.

I'm just fucking. I think I'm just freaking out that I got to do another special. So I'm trying not to fucking focus on that. And then I got, like.

I got, like, all this weird shit that's peripherally happening because I'm fucking freaking about that. Like, I never buy shit when I'm on the road. And I just went to a coffee shop and I'm in there going, look at those coffee mugs. I'm talking to Dean. I should get one of those.

Should I get a fucking car? I have, like, a fucking thousand coffee mugs. Why am I gonna get another? This is the one. This is the coffee mug that's gonna make me feel happy.

I will tell you, most of my coffee mugs stink. They're. They're tall and skinny. So I've been getting into that latte art thing rather than dealing with childhood trauma. I just keep learning new things.

Cause it distracts me. And I got to the point I kinda did my first little wiggle there with the fucking rose, you know, I got the. I don't know what you call it. I got the whole. I got it down now with my machine where I could have the right fucking consistency in the phone.

Got the monk's head down. And then you lift it up, you draw it through. And then you get the heart and you give it to your wife, and she's like, aw, it has a heart. Yeah. And then she goes, I don't drink coffee.

Then you put your head down, you slowly walk out. So recently, I've just been trying to learn how to do like that. Like that fucking wiggle thing.

There's, like, so many fucking levels to it, so. But I love it, though, because, I mean, you know, learning how to do that means I don't have to deal with who I am as a person.

Isn't that what hobbies are? I feel like hobbies are literally the thing that, like, stops you from fucking, I don't know, abandoning your family, you know, banging some chick at work, going on a shooting spree. Like just literally losing your fucking mind. Just walking down the street, talking to yourself. It's like, you know, if you don't have a hobby, you know, what do you do between going to work?

I mean, it's just like you're just sitting there with your thoughts as time is going by. I mean, you got a fucking whittle or something, right?

I think that's how people. Yeah, people end up in, like, that's probably what addiction is beyond just like, the personality. I think. It's just like, whatever happened to you was so fucking bad that, like, you know, building a ship in a bottle is not gonna fucking help you get through it. So you just gotta walk around in, like, an altered, an altered fucking state.

I will tell you, there is something about Denver that just makes you want to grab a handful of mushrooms, eat them and just fucking walk around. But I can't go outside out here. The sun is just fucking, I mean, I'm like a mile closer to it than I am in LA, right? I'm like, I'm like a close talker with the sun.

Anyway, this is gonna be a good trip and I'm very excited because my tour is gonna be over. Other than like, what do I have? I just, I have one gig in Canada in July and then I'm basically done. I'm writing this script with my buddy Ben Tischler. We're writing another.

We wrote old dads together, so we're gonna, we're making another movie. And I'm telling you, man, it's gonna be even better than old dads. And if you enjoyed old dads and how we just, you know, I'm just sticking with the formula is like all of this shit that people talk about, I just fucking ignore it. You know, in today's comedy climate, with all of this shit, I think it's all over. It's over.

People are like, they don't, they don't care anymore, you know, and then people will say, oh, you know, no one ever really got canceled. It's like, yeah, they did. How about, like, sent back in time in their career? Does that work? Because people try to say, like, well, they, you know, they, this comedian got canceled.

No, he's, he. Or she's still out on the road doing dates. It's like, yeah, but they were on tv, they were making movies. So you ended that. They got canceled out of that.

So I don't know which now I'm looking at, like, I don't know that that's necessarily a bad thing because making a movie and a tv show is just as much work as it's always been. Except there's no money in it anymore because streaming services are just like, you know, you guys pay $20 and you get all of it, so it's just like, all right, all right. Is that how that works? Then? Some of them have, like, advertising now, so they're like a network and there's still no money.

It's fucking. The whole thing is, I feel like we went back to, like, the 1950s in a lot of industries, so whatever. But you know what? I got hobbies. I played drums.

You know, I didn't get a chance to fly this week. And, you know, like anything an engine doesn't like sitting around, it likes to be, you know, going. So I got up at like 448 in the morning before I had to fly to Denver. And I went up there right at. Right at dawn, okay?

Sun is just coming over the fucking San Gabriel's, right? And there was nobody. I was like one or two people at the airport, right, and did a quick little pre flight. I wasn't gonna fly it or anything like that just. Cause it was total IFR conditions, you know.

So I was thinking about taking it down to the run up area and just doing some pickups and set downs, but I was just like, I don't got time for that shit. So I just sat there. I just ran it all the way up and just left it on for 15 minutes, you know, let's get the fluids flowing and shit. And. And this guy came out with one of those fucking MD 500s, like in, you know, Magnum PI back in the day.

I think it's like an MD 600 now. I flew one of those. They're uncomfortable as hell for some reason. It's almost like you're sitting a little forward, but they're just fucking sick. And I listened to the AEdas, which is just the recorded information, and it said visibility two and a half miles.

And like, the ceiling was 1200ft, so it's 100% instrument conditions. And this guy fucking just did his pre flight, all right? Fucking runs it up full power, pulls up, does a fucking 180 and then just fucking flies right past me. And I almost broke my neck craning to see where the fuck this guy was flying with two and a half miles of visibility at a 1200 foot ceiling. I was checking the adis of other airports, like, is he flying out to the east or the west?

Is it clear? Or whatever. And then I was thinking, like, well, mate, that's a really super expensive helicopter. You know, if you have to have in order, even if you're instrument rated. Like, say that guy I'm assuming was instrument rated if he was in my helicopter.

I don't have an autopilot, so you would not, under FAA rules, be able to do that. So I'm assuming those MD 600s have an autopilot. And, dude, he was just by himself. He had the doors off. It was like four doors.

He had the doors off. And it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen. The sun was just starting to come up with that low cloud cover. It was sort of like the sun was trying to push through, and it was cool out and it was quiet because it was like, fucking. It was.

Dude, it was like 515 in the morning and that thing just coming up and him just like in a hover, just doing the 180 and then just going right by me. I was just like. I felt like I was in apocalypse now. Like, minus the fucking war or whatever, right? The whole napalm in the morning thing.

So anyway, when I was done, you know, 15 minutes, I tore it back to the hangar. And then I told you, I got that little royal Enfield, and I just rode the bike around for 15 minutes as the sun was coming up at the airport. It was just. It's one of those moments you're like, how fucking great is my life right now?

And then I came out here to Denver, and I got to do a stand up show last night. And what was cool was Bert Kreisha and Greg Fitzsimmons were coming through. They were at the comedy works. So they stopped by and we, you know, shot the shit for about 45 minutes after my show, and then that's it. So I'm here again tonight, and I don't know, I just got.

I just got to get through these next couple of weeks. Starting to feel the fucking pressure of this shit. So I gotta make sure I, uh. I don't give in to that. I gotta.

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Price varied based on product and subscription plan. All right, back to the podcast. Here's a question I have if something's not FDA approved, how the fuck are you giving it to human beings to be ingested? This is how fucked up this country is right now. I saw this whole crazy fucking thing about, you know, what's going on with Red lobster, and now they're gonna do it to subway and Quiznos.

And there's these just handful of greedy people. Somehow they buy the land that the thing the franchise sits on, and then they just make all these outrageous demands and you have to rent their equipment. I swear to God, man, they better do something about that soon. Somebody's going to fucking snap and they're going to find one of these fucking corporate guys and fucking take a lead pipe to them. It's.

It is. It is fucking brutal out there. How the fuck do you do something like that to somebody? Fuck them that hard, and then just be like, yeah, that's just how the game's played. I win, you lose.

This is just business. Um, I don't know, but whatever. God bless all of you, all right, we're all on the same team. If you fucking wake up, stop yelling at each other. We got to go after the sociopaths.

We got to go after the narcissists. That's what we have to do. This isn't a sport. It's not about colors, all right? It's about cunts.

All right, that's it. This was an extra stupid podcast today. I'm usually. I sound dumb, I know. I realize on this one, I was just thinking back how I asked, like, how come women don't lay eggs?

And for half a second, I'm not gonna lie to you. That was a legitimate question. All right, that's it, everybody. Enjoy the music. The interlude music picked out by the wonderfully talented Andrew Themlis.

And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. Enjoy your weekend, you cunts. Be nice to your fellow americans. Stop yelling at them online. Stop taking the bait from these bots.

Turn to these fucking politicians. Hold them accountable. Turn it around. I don't know. Did we do it?

Who knows? All right, I'll see you.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 6, 2016. This is, like, the fifth fucking time I've tried to start this thing, because, I don't know, I just had an aborted landing. Well, I didn't have one.

The pilot had one, and I was riding in the back, and, you know, what are you gonna do? Well, we landed safe, safely. You know, some airplane didn't clear the Runway. That's my fifth one that I've had. I've had five aborted landings, and that was my second one at LAX.

First one was vehicle on a Runway, and this next one, guy didn't. Plane was still on the Runway, didn't clear it or whatever. But it was a little less scary now that I've flown a little bit, you know, not a lot, but a little bit. But you're still in the back, and you can't see what's going on. So that's.

That's always nice.

All right, so people have been asking me. They've been emailing me, they've been twittering me, they've been facebooking me about what's going on with these irish dates? Dublin, July 31, Belfast, August 1, and Galway, Galway model Ireland on the 2, August. All right, I have the pre sale information, but for whatever reason, I'm not allowed to announce it. But I'm going to.

I'll tell you when I'm going to announce it. I'm going to announce it on 6916 at 04:00 p.m. gMT time, whatever that means. Gaelic. Gaelic Mountain to tighty two time, all right?

Why can't I just say when the fuck this shit's going to be all right? June 10 is when they're going on sale. I'll announce the pre sale on the 9th. I'll fuck this. I'm going to tell you everything now, all right?

6916 at 04:00 p.m. the pre sale will be announced. No, right? Just. This is why I had to re record it.

This is so fucking confusing. The pre sale for Dublin island is going to be June 10, my birthday, 2016, at 09:00 a.m. gaelic mountain time, all right? And then the regular on sale is going to be June time, whatever the fuck that means, all right?

Belfast is going to be about five days later, and so is Galway. Gateway model Ireland will be like, that'll be June 15.

So that's the deal, all right? And I'll let you guys know. I'll just. I'll tweet about it. I'll do all that shit so nobody gets fucked out of anything.

Also, there's been a second show added in London, England for August 6, 2016. I'll have a link up there for that and all that shit. All right, there you go. I got all the business stuff out of the way. And also go to allthingscomedy.com if you're sick of listening to me.

We got a bunch of other talented people out there that you can listen to. And with that, let's get into the podcast. Oh, did I travel around sciatica? It's still acting up. I'm going to every fucking witch doctor out here at this point, I don't give a shit.

You know, some woman was talking to me, was saying how she got sciatica when she was pregnant, and I was just like, you calling me fat? And she laughed. She's like, no. She goes, I just got it. And she went someplace, and she goes, they just kind of lightly.

Just wisps on my backside. I thought they were really going to knead in there. They just kind of lightly. I was like, what the. Nobody's fucking putting leaves on my butt cheeks.

I'm going to go to everybody else first before that. But I gotta tell you, like, something happens with the air pressure when I'm on a plane, the back of my leg, it feels like my hamstring's gonna snap. So I gotta keep standing up, doing my vietnamese gambler fucking squat. And I don't know, I'm trying to stretch out the psoas muscle. I'm doing everything I can to try to keep this thing at bay.

Cause I don't fucking have the time to take care of it. I just don't. I'm too fucking busy here with writing this filthy, wonderful cartoon, which I'm having a great time doing. Up to episode six this week, people. Up to episode six writing.

As far. As far as that aspect of it. I literally sound like the fucking Rayman. All right, let me take you through my trip here, all right? I had some fucking guy, he was, like, in his early sixties.

Give me this fucking look. Like he was gonna punch me in the face. To the point I had to say something to him. And I know you guys are thinking like, bill, what the fuck? You talking shit to a guy?

63. Well, I'm gonna be 48 this week, so, you know, when I was 15, he was 30, so it's not that bad. We're pretty close, right? When I was ten, he was 25, right? You know, you think he wouldn't have picked on me back then?

This is what happened, right? So I went down. Go down to the airport, right? I got bumped up the business. So I get to go up first.

I get to go into the lounge, right? I get to go in and fucking pour myself some cornflakes or whatever. So I go into the lounge, and there's this fucking guy, right? He just. I don't know.

I got on the elevator and he was there, and he was kind of in my space, but he was a little oblivious or whatever, right? Fucking horseshoe level bald. And he dyes the sides, which is always hysterical to me. Like, dude, what the. Why are you still dying that you think that makes you look younger?

So anyways, it's like five in the fucking. It's before five in the morning. Cause that's what time my flight is. And, you know, I go up to the lounge and I set my shit down. He goes his other way.

I'm not even thinking about this guy. And then I'm walking over to where the serial is, and so's he, all right? Like two planes about to land, you know, on the same Runway. I'm in front of him. I have priority.

So I walk over there, and then he. I feel him standing way close, too close to me. And when I finished, you know, I just did a couple of turns. You know, the fucking cereal thing. Couple turns of the knob and it goes into the bowl.

And then I pour some milk in it. It probably took me less than 15 seconds to do that. And when I turned around, because I just felt him, I would have turned the other way, but I felt him on my left shoulder, turned and looked at him, and he was glaring at me, showing me all of his bottom teeth. You know, he's like. Except he wasn't making that noise.

But you know the face you make when you. That's what he was looking at me, just glaring at me. So what the fuck did I say to him? I just looked and I was like. I remember I said.

I go, are you all right? That's what I said. Are you all right? And then he didn't say anything. And then I felt bad, like, oh, man, was he like one of those old guys?

Remember I did that bit the old man face? Was that. Is that the beginning of the old man face? You start glaring at first, and then you gradually get more scared. I have no idea.

Right?

It's like those old people know they're going to hell. They're thinking back in their life, and they're trying to think that they have enough time to say enough Hail Marys. And they just realize they can. They're like, they probably saw a ghost and saw those creepy things coming up from hell. So anyways, he didn't say anything.

So I walk away and I'm thinking that feeling bad, like, oh, man, I, you know, I just fucking yelled at that old. I didn't yell at the old guy, but I kind of gave him shit, you know? So I felt bad and then went over to sit down. And then he gets his fucking cereal. And at this point, you know, I'm like.

I'm like, fucking 20 yards away from this guy sitting down and he fucking turns around, and as he's walking over to his wife, he looks at me and goes and shakes his fucking head. He was glaring at me. So later I go to get up to get a fucking apple. And I knew he was going to be looking at him. And I looked right over at him and I can't remember what the fuck I did.

And then I was like, really, Billy? Are you really doing this? Neither one of you is going to fight. You're both too fucking old to fight. And that's how my trip started, so I should have known that it was going to be a weird travel experience.

Ended up getting into Syracuse. That's where I was going the first night, and we played this minor league hockey arena, and I didn't know at the time until I got there. They actually filmed. That's where they filmed slap shot, a lot of it. When they did all the stuff.

I'm listening to the fucking song when they were on the ice and everything. So that was cool as shit. The next night, we did another one of those small hockey arenas. And that one, they told me that was the place Elvis was supposed to perform at, but he died the day before. That was his next concert.

And so they still have all these Elvis tickets. And they actually gave me this little frame thing of a couple of Elvis tickets. And then the date that I played there was really fucking cool.

When the fuck did I go after that? Oh, then I went down to. Oh, I was driving from Portland back to fucking Albany. Who's kidding who? I wasn't fucking furzy was riding.

We were in this suv, and I was laying down in the backseat because my fucking leg was killing me. This shit's really starting to scare me, man. Like, how fucking long is this gonna take? I've been dealing with this shit since February. Every time I start to turn the corner, I gotta get on a plane again.

So people always stare at me, too. When I stand up on the plane, I squat down. I don't even give a fuck, and they're just looking at me. I told you the last time this guy asked me if I was prank.

So anyways, and the final show last night was in Albany, but I actually, when we drove from Portland with so many memories, came back when we went over that bridge. We went over this bridge in where you go from New Hampshire to Maine. And I remember I used to fucking. One of my first girlfriends used to live over there, right on the other side of that bridge. Well, she didn't live there.

She lived down in the Boston area, but she had, like, family up there. I remember going up and over that bridge. I always think of that shit. I always think about the ticket that I got on the fucking turnpike up there, driving my piece of shit truck back, the comedy connection up there, all of that shit. And I got to tell you, man, just living out here in LA, like all people in New York, Vermont, New Hampshire, western Mass, and Maine, I hope they realize how fucking lucky they are to live where it rains and there's all that lush land.

I'm so fucking jealous of that shit. Like, when I came back, when we were driving from Portland to Albany, I actually went down to the Boston area to visit some family and friends and stop off at one of my favorite pizza places. And we ended up coming down route one. And them fucking memories that were coming back, there was this strip club up there. There was the hilltop steakhouse, which they've now completely knocked down.

I hope that's signed. Cause it's still up that giant fucking cactus. I hope somehow, like, that thing is protected. You know what I mean? You know what's funny?

That's like, one of those dumb things they'll sell on fucking eBay for, like, a million bucks. And it'll say, like, 15 people are watching this. You know? Do you know how, like, back in the day, how they used to. They used to catch people with warrants?

They would just have, like, during, like, a fight or something. They would just advertise, hey, you're the 20th person to order this. Come down here and claim your free gift. And they'd call these people up and they would all go down and claim the gifts. And there'd be all these people standing around down there.

And then the cops would just walk in and they'd fucking arrest everybody. They should fucking do that with. With dumb shit like that on eBay. Like the giant. The Hilltop steakhouse, right?

There's 15 people watching it. Those 15 people should immediately be audited. Who the. Who the fuck's got a million bucks to blow on a giant lit up cactus? I mean, everybody wants it.

Well, not everybody. I'd love to have that fucking thing, you know, get yourself a spread out in the middle of nowhere. You have a giant lit up cactus. Your friends come over, right? Just make a ride at the giant cactus.

You know, you get a nickname out of it. Oh, Cactus Chris. He's fucking crazy. But nobody has the money to do that shit, right? Like, I went on eBay, right?

And I was. What the fuck? I was looking. I was trying to, you know, kill the flight. Now.

Now you can, you know, go online. So I was just looking up random shit like humidors. Even though I've gotten cigars mostly out of my life, I was just looking them up because I think they're fucking cool, right? Oh, I know what I was doing. I was looking at cigar affectionado, and they had all these, you know, cool places where you can smoke a cigar.

They let you know in different cities, like, places to smoke and shit, right? Like, I already found a cool place in London, possibly to smoke. We'll see. And that is if I smoke that, I don't know. We'll figure it out.

Anyways. And that just got me thinking about cigar smoking and all that type of shit. So I went on eBay, and a lot of the shit that comes along with cigar smoking is pretty fucking cool. A lot of the lighters, a lot of the ashtrays and the humidors. And I like looking at that stuff, especially if they're vintage or old.

So I look up vintage humidor. I'm sure it's still there. And there's this fucking. I think it's sitting bull. It's this bust of sitting bull, all right?

That's what the fucking humidor is. It's a bust of sitting bull. And what's really fucking, you know, weird is to, you know, put your cigars in it, you basically take off the scalp, which I thought was a little fucking tacky, but granted, it's old. That was considered, like, totally fine back in the day, right? So anyways, this fucking thing is going for a million and a half dollars, and it has.

And it says, like, there's, like, 20 people watching. I'm looking it up right now. Ebay.com. all right. Okay.

Vintage humidor. Boom. All right, what do you got? What do you got? Oh, fuck.

Where the hell is it? Come on. Oh, there it is right there. Sitting bowl. Cigar store.

Indian statue. Antique. American folk art. Vintage tobacco. You know what's funny?

From the side, it actually looks cool from straight on. It just looks like. I don't know. It's kind of looking off. It kind of looks sad.

Then they. I don't understand why this thing is a million and a half bucks. There's 61 people watching this. 61 people have a million and a half dollars to spend on a fucking humidor. I don't know.

Like, that's the type of shit right there. Like, if I was fucking dodging taxes and all that type of shit. You don't go out and do this on the Internet, right? I don't know. That's like, whenever you ever watch those mecom car auctions, you know, when somebody spends 500 grand on a fucking mustang, I mean, you're either.

You're either evading taxes, or you're a wife beater. One or the other, okay? Cause you're either cheating the fucking system, or your wife is scared to death of you that she'll let you fucking do that. Blow a million and a half bucks on a humidor. Look at it, honey.

In a great sitting bowl. Look at the top of his head. Comes off like after a fucking autopsy. Um, anyways, so I can't remember what the hell I was talking about here. Oh.

So we end up having. Just having this great. Anytime I work with Furze, we have a great fucking time. When we were up in Portland after the show, we had a great time working the Elvis venue there. And we ended up going up to this bar afterwards and game three of the Stanley cup finals, and the UFC fights were both on.

And Jesus Christ, Dan fucking Henderson. Did you guys see that knockout? That was like some born identity shit. He threw a kick, went past the guy, and then fucking threw an elbow like he was training in a phone booth. I've never seen anything like that.

It reminded me a long time ago, I saw a UFC fighter basically throw a left hook, but he did it with his knee. He fucking got rocked in the head. I think it was that guy they used to call the little bottle, little ball of hate. The hell was his? And he was one of my favorite fighters back then, right?

He had hair dyed, like, bright red, fire engine red, and he got rocked and he started to go down, and the other guy was so excited to jump on him, start hitting him, that he kind of just went in with his hands down a little bit, and the fucking guy was able to regroup, and he just. I can't explain it. He threw it. He kneed the guy in the head, but he, like, came from the side. He threw a hook.

This fucking guy went down, gave him the old. Right there, Fred with the left knee, Dan Anderson, the same fucking thing. This guy was just. He was getting punched in the head repeatedly. And everybody in the bar is going, oh, right.

And I'm yelling and I actually, for once, because I don't know shit about fighting, I'm going, he's fucking eating those punches, though. Look at him. And the next thing you know, he kicks the guy in the fucking head. He kicked him in the head, and then somehow he was like, parallel to the guy's head, and he gave me fucking there with the elbow, and the guy just went down. That was it.

Over. And then the coolest thing ever was his family was there, you know? Tell me you don't have the coolest dad ever. Guy goes shirtless in the ring, eats fucking twelve punches to the head and then knocks the other guy out, you know? You know, it's funny.

He was in better shape than his kids. He's a 45 year old guy. You should have the dad bodies. He's up there shredded his kids are coming up. You know, he's making them look soft.

Not saying they were soft. I'm just saying, usually by the time you're 45, you have three, four kids. You just got that 600 yard stare. Like you don't give a fuck if you're eating a Twinkie or a fucking tube sock, you know? And this guy's up there just was shredded.

So once again. Once again, UFC. Completely worth the fucking money. Be paid to get in. I missed all the other.

Oh, no. I saw the championship one with a guy there that I've been watching ever since he was on the ultimate fighter, the guy from Manchester, England. Ah, fuck. I gotta get his name here. God damn it.

You know what I realized when he won? I've been saying his last name wrong forever. UFC champ, Manchester. Here we go. What's his name?

Michael Bisbing. I always thought it was Bisbane. Michael Bisben. He fucking won. That was another great one.

What a night. And then as we. And as we're watching that, simultaneously, they're watching. Well, I guess I was probably the only one really watching it, but I was watching the penguins San Jose, and I'm looking at this shit going like, holy fuck. It's two to one.

They're carrying the play, and all of a sudden they get a high stick. I think it was a four minute power play. They seemed like they were on the power play for fucking ever. Long story short, throw up, two to one in the game, and it was like they killed off, like, all fucking 20 minutes of this penalty. It seemed like a 20 minutes penalty, right?

They killed this fucking thing off. There's, like, 2 seconds left, and all I'm thinking in my head is, if they kill off this penalty, they're gonna win this game and they're gonna win the cup. This is the fucking series. And it's over. Three two score.

Out of nowhere. Out of nowhere. I don't know if it was tipped or whatever. After San Jose's goalie made this one of the sickest, he fucking, like, saved it with, like, the inside of his forearm, you know, a few minutes earlier. Then he let that one go in a little bit of a floater, and now it's two games to one, right?

And I don't give a fuck either way. My team's out of it, and then my surrogate team is also out of it. All I know is that means that there's going to be at least one more game of hockey, right? As far as, rather than just going four games, it'll go five right. So we at least got two more games, which is good for me because when, when the NHL and the NBA seasons end, I have like a sort of sports panic attack because I haven't watched.

Been watching baseball. I don't know what the fuck's going on in baseball, but all I know, it's like the middle of the season, you know, Dahlia, here's a rubber game. Just a ball outside. You're going to see that slider a lot this afternoon, you know, after you just went from, like, watching people win championships and playing at that level. That's why the NFL is the shit as far as, like, it can actually compete with October baseball.

Because you figure that the middle of the NFL season would be boring. Like most, most sports, the middle of the season is boring when you're playing like 80 to 162 games. But NFL only plays 16 games. Every game means so fucking much, you know? Plus, Tom Brady ought to be coming back from his nice rest.

A nice rest. Relaxed, pissed off. Tom Brady coming back to light you up again. You know, you guys can look under the rocks and try to figure out what he's doing. Someday.

Someday you will admit that he fucking was, you know, I was just a shit. And then the saddest thing, obviously, of the weekend was. Was the death of Muhammad Ali, man. That guy. If you've never watched when we were kings, I used to watch.

I used to own that thing and I wore it out. I had it on vhs, then I had it on a dvd. I just. I've watched it so many fucking times. I just.

I don't even know how to put the guy into words. It was literally like, whenever I watched it, I was like, I have not done shit with my life. The guy was unbelievable. And when I tweeted, you know, greatest of all time, greatest athlete, ambassador, human being of all time, and all these, you know, Twitter cunts. Come on, Bill.

He just. He hit things in a ring. It's like, no, he didn't. He didn't. He did so much stuff beyond that.

Like, you know, that's how great Muhammad Ali was. Like, when I said greatest human ever, it said, really? They're like, better than Gandhi? And it's like, exactly, exactly. If I said fucking Tom Brady, you know, greatest ever, you just going to bring up other quarterbacks?

You had to bring up fucking Gandhi. This is a goddamn athlete. That's a good comparison. Cause he was doing Gandhi shit outside of the ring, and he could knock out anybody in the world. The guy could hold court in the poorest of the poor right up to the White House.

When he walked in, he lit up the room. Everybody shut up. And you never forgot it. And on top of that, he was one of the greatest fighters of all time, if not the greatest.

And I got so much out of it when I used to watch that, you know, when he was talking all that shit, it was like he was almost as much as he was talking shit. It was like, self help. It's not the way it's done today, where today, it's just all like. It's all perverted. You know what I mean?

It's like, you know what's gonna happen if you say the crazy shit. You know that you're hyping the fight. You know that you're gonna get a sneaker deal. You know, all this money's coming. I'm not saying that he didn't know that on some level, but the shit that that guy went through, um, if you watch some of those early, especially the ones that are in black and white, the fucking white reporters are so goddamn racist.

It's, like, ridiculous. I remember he's just going and going and going, and this reporter's just. White guy's getting fucking mad. He just hates his confidence, this guy. Like, if this guy could have got sent into the future, he'd be a hater on Twitter.

So he finally just goes, do you ever stop talking? And Ali said something like, no. Cause I'm knocking out all bums, and if you keep talking, I'm knocking you out, too. And he just. It was the greatest.

He just fucking pissed the guy off, and he knew what the guy was doing, and he was able to navigate all that. I know everybody says all the terrible shit that he did to Joe Frazier, but nobody gets out of this life without some bad shit. Everybody's done some bad shit. You know what I mean? But I don't know, man.

He still had a good run, though, 70, 74 years. I used to watch him when I was a kid, man. That's how fucking old I am. That's what's freaking me out now, is all these people that were, like, in their twenties, in thirties when I was a kid are now dying of, like, fucking old age and shit. David Bowie, Muhammad Ali.

That's fucking freaking me out. You know what I mean? Maybe that's why that guy at the. At the little cereal thing in the fucking. At the airport was giving me that look.

Because he knows he's going soon, you know, everybody he knew is probably all dead, right? And he's thinking, I only got so much time left to get cereal. You know, I was also thinking, the fact that he felt so fucking like the complete lack of patience that he had, and I don't have patience. The fact that he couldn't wait 2 seconds for me to get some fucking Cheerios. I was also thinking, like, that's probably why he's in this lounge.

This guy just fucking doesn't take no for an answer. He's a lunatic. I don't know. That's kind of fucking depressing shit that I'll be talking about death. Cause I gotta tell you though, man, like, the amount of fucking people that have died in the last goddamn year that I am old enough to have been a teenager and seen them in their fucking prime.

How about that prince shit, huh? Another person lost to the opiates and stuff. I just can't. It's not like I can't believe it, but the fact that they actually come at him and they come at fame and celebrity and all that type of shit. Like people are fucking dying.

Regular people are dying because of that drug. However the fuck you say it, fentanyl or whatever the hell it is, they get it, then the prescription runs out, they're addicted to opiates, and then they get on heroin. And the fact that they don't talk about the pharmaceutical companies at all is because that's like 150 fucking zillion dollar business. And they give money to the politicians and they advertise on tv, so they make, like, prints out to be like this.

This famous guy that, you know, nobody could say no to. I mean, I might be wrong in this, but I know he had at least one hip replacement, if not two. And if you ever watch the guy, the guy never took a show off. He was all over the fucking stage. I imagine he was in pain.

And that's how that shit started, was basically him pouring his heart out on stage, giving everybody 100%. He wore out his fucking hips. What's this? James Brown did the same thing. He had to get new hips.

Fortunately, by the time Prince got the operation, hopefully they were further along. But I imagine he still had all kinds of pain. And then that's my guess. But for the fact that people came at him. Some people, the way that they came at him was.

I don't know, considering the shows and the music that he left us, I thought was really fucking. It's a little below the belt, though, when you say. I think that's a little below the belt. Have you guys seen this YouTube video? My name is John Daker.

You got to watch this thing. I apologize, because it's going to be in your fucking head for the rest of time. I'll post the. The video to my twitter account. He's singing.

He's singing amore, and he can't remember how to sing.

Bells will ring tingling, tingling as a bell.

I can't stop watching this guy. This guy, I swear to God, I think it's his first tv gig. Somebody was sick, I think they say at the beginning. So this guy fills in, and if you look at him, he's literally having an out of body experience. So it's so funny to me because I can relate to this person, because the first time I did stand up, I felt like I was watching myself.

I fucked everything up. And this guy, just the way he says his name, it's almost just. He says, like, my name is John Dacre.

It's like. It's like he was out. I think that might be my favorite part of the video, is when this fucking guy, just the way he says his own name. He didn't say, my name's John Dacre. He goes, my name's John Dacre.

I did it right the first time, and I just fucked it up. You gotta hear this. You gotta hear this fucking guy. He says, he's singing all these Jesus songs. Hang on, hang on.

My name is John Dacre.

That's the funniest shit ever.

My name's John Dacre. It's like he's watching his life. Like he already died. And then he came back and he just got to like, he. First time you ever realized my name.

My name is John Dacre. That's my fucking name. And this is my life. And I'm on tv and I'm going to sing this song. This is what I did with my life.

You look at the guy. Fucking poor bastard. Anyways, it's Dake R. If you're just listening now and you want to fucking watch it at work. Oh, my God, listen to him sing Alleluia, Alleluia.

Sons of men and angels say hallelujah.

There but for the grace of God. This fucking guy would be the most interesting interview ever. Just like, he's one of the most fascinating people I've ever seen. Like, what the. What is going on in between those fucking ears right now?

If they could. If you could make a show about his fucking thoughts, you know, all these fucking movies. Oh, it's. Yeah, you know, they show the movie, but it's done in reverse, and then they try to fucking flip you out. Nothing.

Nothing Pink Floyd could ever fucking write can match what's going on in this guy's head. Highly recommended. All right, let's read. Let's read some. A little bit of advertising here.

Bells will ring. Ring a ding a ding. That's a more.

Where the fuck is the goddamn. My name is John Dacre. All right, got it? Out of the fucking way. Here we go.

Let's get back to the podcast.

All right, let's read some of the letters for this week. We're gonna leave some of the ran. Oh, before I do, though, the. Jesus Christ. Poor Jason Lawhead, man.

After game one, he's a Cleveland guy. After game one, I can't even say game one. After the first fucking quarter, this guy was sending me texts. He had his head in the oven. I'm like, jesus Christ, dude, nobody fucking throws in the towel the way you did.

I remember back to back years, I think in 84, the Lakers came out and blew out the Celtics in game one. And we came back and beat them. And then the very next year, we blew them out in game ₩1 by like 1520 fucking points. And then the Lakers won. So I was like, for fuck sakes, the Bruins were down zero two to Vancouver.

We ended up winning four the next five. And we raised, we fucking hoisted up the cup. Stop being such a negative nelly. And then after the game, too, when they lost by like fucking 30 or 35, I wrote back to him, all right, maybe you got a point. Yeah.

I never say this after two games, but this series is fucking over. It's over, man. Just go, go down. If you live in Oakland, just go fucking find a, you know, find a good spot for the championship parade. This.

This is. I don't know, maybe they go back to Cleveland and then, you know, all the positivity from their fans seeps into. I'm kidding. Here's a question I got you for you guys. I didn't get why Trump got into so much fucking trouble, you know?

Well, you know what I know. Cause he's a dope. But like, this stuff that they were saying that he said something racist, right? About the judge, mexican american judge, right? Something about the fucking wall.

This is what I like to do on a hot button issue like this. I'm just going to wade right in with barely even knowing the facts. It says Donald Trump's attacks on the judge are racist. He's quite literally saying the judge can't do his job because of his ethnicity. This is the definition of racism.

I guess he was. There was some debate going on about that wall that he wants to build. And this judge, who's mexican american, was going to rule on it. And I think Trump said that he didn't want him to because he was mexican, he was going to be biased. So everybody said that that was racist.

So here's my question. As Joe twelve pack. I'm not Joe six pack. Joe twelve pack.

Basically what he did there, as far as I could tell, is how they picked juries. Isn't that how they always pick a jury? You know what I mean? Like, if you go down for jury duty and the defendant is black as a white dude, you. I'm not.

I'm not gonna get picked for this jury. Or the defending defendant attorney doesn't want me on there, right? Isn't that how they pick the whole OJ? That's how they always do it. If it's a domestic violence case, let's try to get as many women there possible.

You know, I think they hide it by going, because I think that they can understand women also. Now they're hoping to win the fucking case. So what they do is they stack the deck with enough people of the same ilk as the defendant, right? Now, don't they do that? Am I nuts here?

I believe that that's what they do. So I thought it was kind of ironic that they, within the court system, that if. If Trump is saying that, it's like Trump's picking his jury to try to get the fucking wall. And what he wants is he wants a bunch of fucking white people who, like a white guy, goes, I'm gonna make this country great again. You watch how great it's gonna be.

Like, he wants the mouth breathing morons that like him on his jury. That's all he was saying as far as I could tell. Right? Not saying the guy's not racist, but I thought that that one, they were stretching the bounds a little bit. Now, I'm just asking a fucking question here before you fucking edit this thing and make me look like the next Hitler.

But I was watching that story. I was just going like, yeah, that's kind of how courts work. That's kind of exactly how it works. And not to mention, when the OJ verdict came in, white people were like, what the fuck? And black people were freaking out, having a parade.

That's why they do it, right? Everybody watches it. And you put yourself in the position of whoever's there. I watched the OJ trial. I'm fucking.

I got my throat slashed, right? Black people watch it. They go, yeah, I got off. That's how I look at it. I don't know, and I don't think that's wrong either.

It's like watching sports, except it's people's freedom.

All right, Scandinavia. Hey, Billy burballs. Is it true that you're not going to come to Scandinavia? Me and my lady are huge fans and was really hoping for you to come to Sweden this summer, fall. I just need to know.

If I need to book some plane tickets to the Netherlands, then this is going to cost me, like, one grand for us to see your shit, but I'll bet it's worth it. But I just need to know if you're planning to come to Scandinavia some point in the future. Otherwise, love your shit and looking forward to efforts for family season two. Well, thank you very much. F is for family season two is the reason why on this trip, I'm not going to Scandinavia.

So, like, there's, like, three chunks. Okay? There's the my pasty people, which is coming in first, you know, just like the jury. Does this mean I'm a racist, the way I'm touring against other white people? No, it's just how it worked out.

And then I probably do the scandinavian thing next, and then hopefully eastern Europe. That's what I am hoping to do.

The show takes up way more time than I thought it would, but, like, they. I had a list of 29 cities that wanted to bring me over there, and I could have gone on a month long fucking crazy ass tour.

I've broken it up into two, but I think the way my workload is now, I have to break it into three. But, like, I am absolutely coming back there again. It's a beautiful country. I love it. You know, who the fuck doesn't want to go there?

I've been there, like, two or three times, and I'll definitely come back. I just don't know when. I can't promise you as to when, but I am definitely going to come back. And I don't know. Other than that, I don't have any more information, so save your money, dude.

Don't blow a grand. Don't blow a grand. Coming to see me, my shit and dick jokes. I'll come your way. All right?

Don't worry about it. Okay. X Men billboard. Hey, Billiam. This is fucking nerd shit.

Nerd shit. So please bear with me. There's a new X Men movie, and Rose McGowan, the chick who used to date Marilyn Manson, has her tits in an uproar over this billboard, because between mystique a woman and apocalypse, a dude. If you don't want to click on the link from some weirdo, you don't, don't know. No problem.

Just a picture. Just picture a blue dude holding up a naked blue woman by the throat to the point her feet aren't on the ground. Context. Apocalypse the dude is a badass villain in the movie, and Mystique, the woman, is the leading lady and badass heroine in the movie. Here's the problem.

Rose McGowan says this is promoting violence against women, which I feel is horseshit. Here's why. If it was Hugh Jackman slash Wolverine being choked out and held up, no problem. The point of the post is to show how dangerous slash, how much of the threat the villain, how much of a threat the villain is. It's not a political statement.

Here's my issue with this, though. How does a studio slash moviemaker win? Suppose Wolverine was the leading hero women would become. Women would be complaining that it's always a man as the hero, and women are more like backup or support roles. I mean, Miss Mystique is badass.

She's leading the fight against this guy. To me, that's empowering to women. She isn't a sex symbol in the movie, though. Jennifer Lawrence, who plays her, is really attractive. She's just strong and a leader.

All I can think is that they wanted her standing. All. All I can think is that they want her standing on the neck of the villain. But this, but that's fucking stupid. For promotional posters, you couldn't have her be the villain and holding up a man hero because that would be some kind of anti woman, all women are evil campaign instead.

Right, you lost me here. You couldn't have her be the villain and holding up a man hero. Oh, I see. If she, if the female character was evil and then was holding up the guy character, they couldn't do that because then they would be saying it would be anti, be considered anti women. All women are evil.

I guess what bothers me is that it just seems like there's no way to please any non white male lately. Women wanted a strong female hero. They got one. But she's in danger of the villain, a man. Somehow that equals violence on women when it's really just about violence in general or war or conflict or whatever.

I mean, the dude isn't slapping her for overcooking his steak.

He's trying to conquer the world. She's trying to stop him, and he's choking her ass. How is that a gender issue?

All right, let me see. Let me see if I can find the picture of this here. I did look at it.

Libraries. No, that's not the. I always click on the wrong one. Yeah, I actually, when I heard it, I thought it was bullshit, but then I saw the poster, the clip that I saw. I don't see your feet dangling off of it.

I see why they did that. I understand why that they did it that way. What happens is when you write, what I'm learning is when you're writing something you're so fucking focused on is the story tracking from point a to point b to point c, and we land this thing without crashing into the fucking ocean, that they wouldn't think that anybody might have a problem with that. I understand. I understand.

This is actually one of those ones. I get why they don't want to see that. But in defense of you, if. How about this? If the guy character, the fucking Apollo guy, whatever his fucking name is, was Apocalypse.

Such dumb names. Apocalypse, mystique. These all sound like bad cologne anyways. If Apocalypse was holding the Wolverine Hugh Jackman by the throat, now, would that be promoting male on male violence? Would there be more bar room brawls because of that?

I honestly don't think it promotes violence. I think, like, the level stupid that you'd have to be to look at apocalypse holding up holding a woman by her throat and to say, like, oh, I guess it's okay to hit women now I'm going to start hitting women. If you were that fucking stupid, by the time you got to you, unless she was riding in the car, let's say you're driving home and now you're gonna fucking choke her because you saw this apocalypse guy choking fucking mystique, right? You'd also see another thousand signs on the way home, and next thing you know, I don't know, you'd be in a car dealership buying something or getting a fucking McDonald's sandwich. I think you would forget if you were that, like, if your brain was, like, that influenced.

But having said that, looking at the poster, I don't, I understand why they were just like, you know, that's not the greatest image. You could have another image up there. Yeah. I don't have a problem with them changing it, but I definitely understand your. Your points on that thing.

But, you know, I don't. I don't. Fuck it, though. It's. It's just the time that we're living in.

Everybody gets offended. Everybody doesn't get offended. A small group of people gets offended, and the news covers it. You know, because what are they gonna talk about? The fucking.

How the drug companies, in a roundabout way, kill prints, you know? I mean, what are they gonna talk about? They're gonna talk about fracking and people. Them fucking up the water supply. There's too much money involved in that.

Okay, but, you know, if you got a group of fucking soccer moms upset about a fucking blue woman getting held up by a guy who appears to be made out of stone in a movie, you know, that's gonna make it. That's gonna make it. You do a Caitlyn Jenner joke in a fucking strip mall? Yeah. That's gonna get on the fucking news, but real shit, that matters.

No, that's not gonna happen. You know, that's not gonna. Well, no, why would you do that? That's just another one of those back burner stories that they just stick on the front burner all the fucking time. Like they.

I mean, I'm not saying, like, you know, violence against women isn't a major issue, but I'm just saying, like, people aren't as simplistic as that. Like, they don't fucking look at something and, like, I don't know, as a kid, like, the amount of violence that I watched when I was growing up, you know what I mean? All the fucking shows that I've watched, I've yet to chase somebody down an alley, pull them off a fence, chain link fence, beat him up or even slide over the hood of a car. I saw all those images when I was growing up. I used to pretend and play war and all that shit.

I never fucking killed anybody. I've never hit a woman. I never did any of that. I think what, you know, what it is, is what really makes you do shit like that is horrific. Fucking parents, I think that that's what it is.

And now they're trying to blame the signs. The sign that's gonna be up for all of fucking two weeks when this movie's out, as opposed to your dad and mom in their relationship that you grow up for the first 18 years of your life fucking watching. But, you know, you can't blame those people because those people buy things on the channel, you know what I mean? So you always give them a pass and then you rub their balls and you call them Joe six back and fucking the true heroes, you know, they're always rubbing their balls. Like they give a fuck about them.

They don't. They just want their money, you know what I mean? That's why corporations act like all of these non crisis are absolute crisis. Crisis disease, because they don't want to lose a fucking dime. So if anybody bitches, anybody moans, anybody complains, they fucking cave in.

And then a lot of these groups are aware of that. And when they get to get a corporation to cave, it gives them, like, it. It's almost like a video game. It gives them more life and they're taken more seriously. So it's a giant.

It's a giant fucking game. You know, at the end of the day, it's. It's. It's two people that don't fucking exist. But I don't know, there's something.

There's a look on her face. She doesn't look badass there. It makes me feel bad for her and I want to help her. So maybe what they should have done, she should have had a more fucking Ronda Rousey look on her face and maybe was pulling backs on his fucking. Are those cornrows?

What the fuck does he have? Was that wavy hair? I can't. I don't even know what this guy's made out of his fucking claymation hair. She should have.

She should be like, you know, maybe gouging his eyes a little bit. I don't know. I was kidding. They'd still fucking complain.

If you really want to get him going, just have that picture right there. That image. Nah, I'm not going to tell you do that because there's no sense of humor anymore. I was going to. I was going to say that maybe you could take that image and say, like, no, don't, bill, don't.

It's. It's. Don't ask me at a show. I'll tell you what I was going to say. All right.

Hey, Billy dope. Billy the fucking dope. Can. Can women forget Mister nice Guy Persona? Hey, I'm really having a difficult reading today.

All right, big fan from Lithuania. That's another one on the list that I got to get to. You're a great comedian. It would be great if you ever decided to do your stand up here in the Baltics. That will happen at some point in my career, hopefully sooner rather than later.

All right. The guy says, I got this dilemma. Can a woman forget your past as a nice guy? One of my former classmates is coming back to my hometown on summer vacation for a few weeks, and let's say I'd like to get intimate with her while she's here. Now, the thing is, when we were still in school, I had a mad crush on this girl for years.

However, shit didn't work out. Because I didn't know how the life works, how the females work. And also, I was a little bitch, mister nice guy. I beat my younger self, if that was possible. All right.

You're doing some good therapy here. But for over the years. But over the years that I've spent in our capital city, I can safely say that my view and attitude towards females and masculinity has changed significantly. What do you think? Can a woman brush off the image of a nice guy, or are you forever marked with the certain character traits in her eyes?

Yeah, I think you're kind of fucked. Just put it this way. Like, take, like, the actor that played, like, urkel or something like that. It's like, you typecast, you know? And Urkel could literally become an army fucking ranger and then leave the military.

And when he went to go do a fucking action movie, they fucking. Urkel, give me a fucking break. Right? It just. The problem is what you got to do.

Look, you always got to take. You always got to take a bat. What you're going to have to do when you get up there, you're gonna have to crowd the plate. No kidding. Which I would just be.

You're gonna have to be significantly different to raise any sort of intrigue in her. You know what I mean? Cause she probably just wants to meet up with you, you know, have a couple of ciders or whatever that. Whatever those drinks women have when they know that they're not gonna fuck you. You know, one of those fucking.

I want to feel warm. You know, they have that stupid sweater that covers their hands, too, and they drink it with both hands out of a mug, you know, and it's just fucking over. Right? They're like, you know, hitting more on the waiter than. They don't even listen to you.

You're gonna have to, like. I don't know. I don't know what you gotta do. Go buy yourself a raiders of the lost ark leather jacket. You gotta try to come in and act like you've been fucking doing.

This is the thing. This is what's gonna fuck you is you want this woman, too bad, all right? You gotta not give a fuck. Don't be. Don't be a dick, but just go in there and just say, what's going on.

What have you been up to? You know? And then talk up some of the shit you're doing, you know? I don't know. Look at your phone.

Ah. This broad, she's driving me crazy. I got the ladies all over me. I don't know. I don't know, dude.

I don't know what to tell you on this one. Once you're typecast, it's fucking over, dude. You got to go behind the camera here. You got to start directing or some shit, because I don't know what to tell you. You're, um.

This is what I would do. Just know this. Going into it, you're fucked, all right? So there's no pressure. Who gives a shit?

And, I don't know, make her laugh and just tell, you know, I always had a crush on you, but I used to be a bitch, but I'm not a bitch anymore. So what do you say? What do you say you come over here and jump on my fucking. Oh, you can't go that way. But, yeah, I would.

Yeah, man, that's a tough one. That's a tough one. I. You know, maybe that's it. Just trash your former self.

Yeah, he's be a used be a bitch, you know? I don't know how to do it, dude. You know what? You stumped me somewhere in there, I think. I think the whole not giving a fuck and then trashing your former self and then just telling her that you had a crush on her.

Who knows, dude? Maybe. I don't know. There's a chance maybe she liked you back then or. I don't know.

Women got that thing, though, dude. Once you're the fucking friend, it. You're. You're. You're.

It's over, dude. It's over. You're fucking. Oh, the lovely Nia. Nia.

You know, we need you, me, and this guy from Lithuania. I'll tell you really quickly. Grab a. Grab one of those cords. All right.

Jesus. All right, as you're plugging in, I'll tell you, this guy basically, in Lithuania, he. He used to be a bitch when he used to be Mister nice guy. So he didn't get any of the nice nice, as Tracy Morgan would say. Right?

So he. Whatever. He had a crush on this chick, and he got put in the friend zone, as Chris Rock would say. I'm just going to quote every black comedian here. And you plugged in.

There we go. And you're putting the windscreen on, and it's really loud and annoying to the listeners. Oh, I'm sorry, everybody. The lovely Nia, everybody. Hi.

Yeah, so basically, he had a crush on this girl. He was a nice guy. He got put in the friend zone, and now she's coming back to town. He's now lived in the city. He understands the male female dynamic better.

Nia
Okay. And the way he's wording this, he's been doing all right for himself, but he still wants to bang this woman. His question is, once you're in the friend zone like that. Mm hmm. Is it possible to get out of it?

Absolutely, it is. Oh, wow. Okay. Cause I was going, like, I don't know. I was saying, you like typecast, you like Urkel, and now you want to be the star of an action movie, you know?

But, yeah, no, I think you can. But it's all, it's all predicated on your behavior. Like, you don't gotta all of a sudden start acting like an aloof jerk or anything like that. So I told him to buy a raiders of the Lost Ark waist length leather jacket, maybe get a hat and a whip. Is that bad?

I just think maybe you're a little less available, perhaps, you know, it can be a thing where she'll come to town and be like, oh, my God, let's go here and da da da. And I want to do this, and. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. Well, let me know when you're around. Yeah.

Maybe we can grab a drink or something. Keep it cash. And don't go in there. Like, so I've been fucking a lot abroad since you left. Not like that, but just as she's talking about her life, you talk about your life.

Yeah, I've been seeing some girls here and there. I don't know. Nothing too serious, but I've been having my fun. But anyway, what's going on with you? You look good like that.

Bill Burr
Like, nia bam. That was good. Oh, were you. Were you enjoying that just then, that little interaction? No, I enjoyed the advice.

Nia
Yeah, that was good. Thank you. I was stammering. I was like, you may have to just fuck it. I said, your best thing you got going is, you know, you got no shot.

Bill Burr
So just don't give a fuck and just go in there and just be like. But I think it's also true too. You have to not. You can't go into it with expectations of anything. Yeah, you either fuck or you don't.

Nia
I think you just be normal. Be a friend like you have been. But I think I have a friend who often gets friend zoned, and I'm always telling him that he needs to make himself less available because he always makes himself available. What does that do psychologically to women, always, when you're less available? Cause I have my theory, and I know it'll be considered sexist, so I'll listen to yours.

I think it's the same with men and women, if you're less available, like the people. People want you more. I think that's just how life is. People like the hunt. I think men like the hunt a little more, so I think you should.

Bill Burr
I never liked the hunt. Really. If someone was, like, a fan, I'd be like, oh, hey. I'd be like, ass. You're not a hunter.

I'd be like, ass. You're more of a gatherer.

No, I was just more like. I just. I hated when women played hard to get. It was so funny. It just.

It got so boring so fucking fast. I was just like, I can fucking. I'll just go rub one out, and then I'll go watch a game. And then you know something that I. It's.

You're not worth the fucking trouble. Right? You know what I mean? I just always found that, like. Cause I remember when I would just start to walk away, and then these girls would be like, no, you're supposed to, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Nia
I was. Oh, I didn't. I didn't get the script. Where am I in, like, some fucking awful play right now, right? I walked away from a lot.

Bill Burr
My number could have been so much higher. I should have chased. I didn't chase. I just tapped out. I'd be like, all right, yeah.

You know, if you don't want, I understand. You know? I wouldn't fuck me either. Oh, honey. All right.

Oh, no, don't say that about yourself. People like you, all right. Hey, Bill. Dill pickle. I love a good sandwich.

My question to you is, if you were a sandwich, what type of sandwich would you be? I think you already answered this one. If you could eat only one sandwich for the rest of your life, what would you be? All right, Nia, remind the listeners what kind of sandwich you think I am. I once compared you to a grilled cheese sandwich.

Nia
But the thing about it is you. Said you were about as exotic as a grilled cheese sandwich. I was talking about that if I ever went to prison, the fact that I was a redhead for the first time in my life, I might be considered exotic. Yeah, I thought you were grossly overestimating. I was joking about the fact that quickly I would be sexually assaulted in there, and you had to remind me that I'm a plain Jane.

Bill Burr
There wasn't even tomatoes on that fucking grilled cheese sandwich. You think with the hair I would have got something? Fuck. All right, so what sandwich would you like to eat for the rest of your. I know the sandwich that I could.

This sound like this question came out of Cosmo. If you were to sandwich, what kind of sandwich would you be? And if you could only eat one sandwich for the rest of your life, what would it be? No, we would never ask each other what kind of sandwich we'd want to be. We'd be like, what kind of dress are you?

Nia
A classic little black dress, a cocktail dress or a gown for the Oscars like that. Well, what about for the bigger girls, guys? What about for the bigger girls? Would they say? What about the bigger girls?

Bill Burr
Are you a car cover with spaghetti straps? Stop. Stop. Well, I didn't like how they're just feeding your fucking egos. Like you're all these.

You know what? I get what they're doing. They're trying to sell magazines anyway, what. Kind of sandwich would you be? Velveeta.

If I was a pair of pants, I'd be clam diggers.

I saw like, four or five guys wearing those fucking things. Oh, this weekend? Yeah. Like those guys who have the Hitler Youth haircuts and then they're just walking around with their calves up to the fucking airport. It's just the funniest thing ever.

I don't know why it's not so susceptible to just point at their legs and start laughing. It's just mean. All right. I love a good sandwich, too. Okay?

What would I be? I don't know, my freckles and all that. I'd probably be a lobster roll. Lobster or crab roll? No, you're looking all fucking white with red blotches in a day old bun.

That'd be my sciatic nerve problem. I'm a mess. It's true. There are certain white people. They definitely take on the hue of a boiled lobster when they had too much sun.

That would be me if you give. Me a turkey sandwich. Cause you like turkey sandwiches. Yeah, but that's not me. You're not no turkey sandwich.

You know, people get excited and they're happy when turkey comes around. You know what I mean? I think you're a turkey sandwich because. You'Re like, would you ever say that again? I think you're a turkey.

Nia
You're reliable, you're satisfied. And when I talk, I make you go to sleep. Exactly. Yeah. When consumed, I make you sleepy.

Bill Burr
All right, if you could only eat one sandwich, Nia, for the rest of your life, what would it be? This feels like a lifetime movie. Is a Philly cheesesteak considered a sandwich? Cause, you know, that's my all time favorite of all time. Well, I mean, it's not considered breakfast.

No, it's considered a cereal. All right, so, yeah, a Philly cheesesteak. Yeah. A hero is a sandwich, right? Or whatever the fuck they call it.

Nia
Yeah, yeah, a hero sandwich. So, yeah, if I could eat one sandwich the rest of my life, I'd eat a peanut butter sandwich with butter. PB and J. Yeah. That's what I would have with a glass of fucking milk.

Wait, you'd have jelly on it, though, wouldn't you? No, I don't get fat. You put jelly on your butt. I'm fucking with you. If I could have one once, just one, for the rest of my fucking life.

Bill Burr
Well, I don't have to eat it every day. Mm hmm. Well, no, not every day, but the only sandwich, when you're in the mood for a sandwich, you can only eat this particular sandwich.

Nia
I don't know, an italian sub. You like italian sandwiches? Nah. Then they put the oil all over, and it feels like the bread's sweaty. You don't always have to get the oil.

Bill Burr
I don't know what I'd have. I don't know what I would fucking have. It's just too much. You know what? I guess if I wouldn't die of a heart attack, I'd have a roast beef sandwich.

Nia
There you go. There you go, Bill. You're exciting. All right. Lady likes the belly.

Bill Burr
Billy, you bastard. Love the podcast. It's just funny. You bastard. Love the podcast, mate.

Have been following your shenanigans for nearly eight years, hustling for tickets when you get here to London. I got my birthday on the 3 August, and we'll be cruising through to your gig on the fifth. Caught you a couple years ago and gave you a cigar after the show at the roundhouse in Camden. Who knows? Maybe you smoked it.

Of course I did. Okay, so help me with this kind of weird dilemma of mine. Here's the deal. I'm 6263 on a good day, if he's feeling good about himself, he stands up straight and I'm fairly trim. However, due to my love of cake, pie, and all things doughnut, I've packed.

I've packed on a mass in one specific area. My belly. Oh, God, that's the classic european fucking body. You know, they got those 7th grader arms, and then they just got the fucking fish and chips belly. I feel like they're generally thinner people, but they like their pubs and they like their.

Yeah, they're thinner. Cause I think their food is higher quality, but they just don't go to the gym over there. They walk around a lot, though. All right. My brother loves it.

They've nicknamed me big Belly Bigsby. Call back to Chappelle's Clayton Bixby. And I've become used to giving it a good old fashioned slap from time to time. My lady loves it, too. She rubs it, wants to fill up with her rabbit food.

She's vegan, whatever, et cetera, et cetera. It's a mind fuck. Subverts. The whole guy's got to have a pack vibe. You lose me here.

Anyways, I'm going to keep on going, Michelangelo, on this bitch. And getting into shape at the risk of losing the fail safe laughter of the day. What do you think? Yeah, dude, you don't want to be the fat guy who slaps his belly like a fucking walrus looking for a mate. And if you don't get it under control, it's gonna get bigger and bigger, and it's gonna be bad for your health.

Nia
So trust me, your girlfriend might love the belly right now, but she's going to really love that six pack. Oh, really? What if she's insecure? She's worried that he's gonna go out and fucking start doing the full monty. Someplace they can both work and get the six back together.

Although she might already have it since she's a vegan, and you know, that never happens. And to keep what couples can never. Work out, I don't like. Yeah, I'm not into it, but remember. When we tried to work out and I was just yelling, you push it out, you gotta want it.

Bill Burr
Remember that? No, we never worked out together like that. We go to the gym together, and then we separate. That's what we always do. We go to a party.

What do we do? We go in different ways. Separate ways? Yeah. I came here to have a good.

Nia
Time, not to be. Not to be with the person I live with. I came here, I live with you. I don't need to hang out with you at this party. So what's going on with you in this new environment?

Bill Burr
All right, I guess. Yeah. No, your girlfriend's gonna love the six pack, so keep at it. And, like, to keep a belly just so people can slap it around, so you can be that guy at the party after a while. Yeah.

Nia
That's pathetic. It's better to get shredded and be real, Michelangelo. Yeah, and then you get to walk around being a dick, being aloof. You know, every time people talk to you, you pretend you're looking at something down the street with your fucking eyebrows up. Sorry, man.

Bill Burr
I just gotta keep on moving, you know? I'm like a shark. Did you talk about that poster? Uh, yeah, no, I missed it. Yeah, the guy actually brought up a bunch of great points, which is.

Well, I don't know if you want to go back and read it. Um, I can't. I don't remember. He was just saying, like, Philip. Well, no, if he was like, hold.

He was one that I made. If he. If he was holding up here, Hugh Jackman, would that increase the chances of guys fighting other guys? I don't think it's about, like, increasing, like, influencing people to do it. It's just like, it's just not a great look.

It isn't a great look. I actually. I don't think that it's a good poster, but I would say that I don't think it promotes violence against women. I don't. I wouldn't think so either.

But although I'm not trying to speak for blue women, though. That's right. They can speak for themselves. No, I don't know. I saw that poster and I first of all, couldn't tell it was a woman, but if I was like, well versed in that whole thing, I would be like, oh, that's such and such character.

Nia
Yeah. I don't know. But I think it's probably best that. They, they're all in the audience. All the different poster.

Bill Burr
I was saying, they're all named after like, discontinued colognes. Like what? Mystique apocalypse. It just sounds like. It's like whoever came up with Zima then tried to get into cologne and it all fucking bombed.

Right. Listen, I unfortunately got to stop the podcast because I got to go to work.

All right, thank you guys for listening. And I'll let you guys know about those pre sales for the upcoming dates in Ireland. And thank you to everybody that's been buying tickets in Scotland, in Amsterdam, in London, and a second show in London. Nene, that's so great. Yeah.

And I found a cigar where I can fucking smoke a stick after. I love that town, you know, nice big picture of fucking, I don't know, Winston Churchill or some shit would be wonderful. Right? Right. On the land.

We have identity we'll never shut out. Is that Winston Churchill? It's Iron Maiden. All right. With Winston Churchill at fun.

I think ace is high. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you in three. Thursday. Bound to die but all my trouble.

Nia
His truth is for.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-6-24

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