Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-20-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. How are you? How's your sports week going?

It's going pretty good out here in fucking San Jose, which is where I'm at. Congratulations to the Boston Celtics, winning their 18th world championship.

Very happy, obviously, for everybody on the team. Brad Stevens, everybody on up the ladder and all that, and all the Celtics fans out there.

And I'm glad I didn't watch it. I got all the games taped. I'm going to sit down, and now I can watch it, knowing there's a happy ending or the other way, knowing that there was a sad ending. I could sit down and watch it, not freak my fucking kids out, you know, just going like, this fucking NBA is fixed. I mean, so fucking.

They just won a game five. I'm not doing that anymore.

I'm done with it. I'm fucking done with it. But anyway, I definitely even. Just checking the score. I would just check the score and I'd be like, fuck, you know?

Or I'd be like, yes. I'd be all excited. And then I'd see, like, they came back, you know?

The hell was it on the. In game five when we were, like, up by, like, 24, then I saw it was down by 18. I was just like, I'm not. My buddy was there in the house going, let's put it on. I go, all right, put it on.

But I have to leave the fucking room. Like, I just. That's what I realized. I don't have the emotional maturity to watch NBA basketball. I just don't.

I. It's a game of runs. I don't understand it. I don't understand how one team can't miss and the other team can't fucking throw it in the ocean. And then on a dime, it just turns around and the whole other team, like, heats up, and then the other team can't fucking hit anything.

Don't understand it. I don't understand it, you know? And I'm not putting myself through that shit anymore. So anyway.

But, hey, it's all the fucking haters out there. We have the most NBA titles, and we're tied for the most fucking Super Bowls. All right? We're not doing too shabby with World Series. We got nine.

I think the Cardinals still have, like, the second most with, like, 13 or whatever. So we're working our way up there, and the Bruins, we got to get something done there. We only got six, but, I mean, we only got four teams. You know, that's what I always say. You know, it's funny.

I was with the New Yorker the night we won it. How long do you think it took them to bring up the fact that the Yankees have fucking 27 championships? I mean, they're fucking hilarious. They jump sports. It's like we're talking basketball here.

We're talking the New York Knicks or the Brooklyn Nets, whoever you want to talk. No, no, we're talking Yankees.

It's actually kind of fucking hilarious.

I don't even know what it is. It's like somebody who has, like, one good story, so they always gotta fucking bring that up anyway. But it was great. Cause it was brutal being fucking tied with the Lakers and all that patchwork that they did to get to fucking 17, which is just complete horseshit. Okay?

You wanna take the fucking Minneapolis one's, fine, but, like, that one that you somehow count, that was before the NBA even existed, is so fucking ridiculous and nobody questions it. I can't imagine what the fuck would happen. Can you imagine if the Patriots counted a Super bowl that they won before they were in the NFL before the Super Bowls? I don't see that thing flying. But anyway, who gives a fuck?

Just happy for everybody on the team because all these fucking assholes were starting to say, do you think the Celtics are going to choke again? It's like, dude, they're a young team. What we went up against, what, LeBron and lost. We went up against the Heat and lost. I mean, the Heat are no slouch.

They were fucking, you know, great team with veterans and all of that. And I don't know if you guys have noticed. It's like sort of the old usually see older teams that win come playoff time. That's what I find fascinating. You know, come March, like, in hockey and basketball, all the older teams, they kind of slow down and blah, blah, blah.

And you start thinking they're old, and it's like, no, they're saving. They're saving something because they know how long. Whatever. I mean, the fucking season ends. It's really ridiculous that hockey and NBA, it's two months.

Playoffs, like, the season's four months. They played like another half a fucking season as far as time. Anyway. Anyway, I believe, right, or I'm wrong. This season isn't four months.

October, November, December, January, February, March, 6 months, and then they play two months. Sorry, bill, that was a bad analogy. Whatever. I wish I was watching that Edmonton Panther series. That sounds fucking unbelievable.

Once again, it seems like hockey is just showing that when it comes to playoffs, I don't think there's a better playoff out there than the Stanley cup playoff. I've been trying to think football has had its moments. Obviously, baseball is pretty cool. Every year, hockey seems to have these ridiculously exciting games. I got to go find that game five somewhere.

That guy in the Panthers, I don't know who it was, who dove as the puck was going towards the empty net, and at the last second, that looked like it was out of a fucking movie.

But Kawana McDavid and them are all woken up. So I'm going to fucking bandwagon and just jump on right now, because no matter what the results, it's going to be amazing. It's either the Panthers get their first one, or Canada gets their first one since 1993, and Edmonton gets their first one since 1990. So, I mean, they're in a fucking drought here 34 years. So, anyway, that's my.

That's my lame sports take. Not really watching anything as of yet, because I've just been in the bubble here getting ready for my next stand up special. Last night I was at. I don't even know what the name of the venue was, but it's this older place that looks still brand new. And Dean Del Rey's opening up for me.

He's like, dude, I saw Ronnie James dio here. I saw Metallica here. The Rolling Stones played here in 66. And he starts going around, and there's all of these pictures on the wall of all these incredible shows that. That happened out here.

And I don't know, like, the last couple times I played, like, some more of, like, a symphony place. Whenever. I gotta be honest with you, whenever I go into a place, and it's a little too.

I don't know, it always just makes me feel like an idiot or feel like I'm too crass to be in there. There is something funny about all of those fucking symphony halls. You know, they all have to have, like, those bizarre designs. They always hire some fucking weirdo, and the guy makes a building that looks like a crumpled up, like, kleenex or something, and everybody's. And first everybody hates it, and then, you know, a couple people on PBS talk about the architectural marvel of it, and then eventually it just becomes a place.

Well, before gps, it'd be a place to meet at. You know, I'll meet you at the symphony, and then we'll walk over to the game, you know, just cause. And somebody's from out of town where you can't miss it. It's the ugliest fucking building in downtown. All right, just get.

Anyway, so what's going on with me? Like, I'm not watching fucking sports, even though my. My team's in the finals and now I'm watching golf. I was, like, upset yesterday that I couldn't find golf because I'm liking that. I just kind of root for everybody, you know, these fucking assholes jumping on Rory McElroy, saying that he.

The guy choked and all of that. I just, you know, you should. In order to say that another man choked, you should have to immediately produce video or at least three witnesses to say when the fucking pressure was on, you delivered. Ah, dude, that guy's a choker. That team's a choker.

That guy can't win the big one. Well, no one would know more about not winning the big one than you, you fat fuck. The amount of fucking, I swear to God, burger and pizza eating fat fucks out there that call, like, these professional athletes in the prime of their fucking physical condition, chokers, is just fucking beyond me. And then they always. They always, like, I just love how, like, if you're a fan or if you're a sports reporter, you don't have to have any manners whatsoever.

You can just say, well, you know, he puts himself on the stage, and this is just how it goes.

But then, you know, they do anything, if they fucking do something towards the crowd. Remember that guy mooned the crowd? Who was that? I can't even remember. Was it Randy?

I don't remember who it was. And then everybody was just, oh, that's just army. That is just. How. How could he.

Meanwhile, they're yelling about his mother, who they don't even know if she's alive, if she's sick. They have no fucking idea. Fuck all of that. I want you know something? If you're a sports fan and you listen to this podcast, you routinely go around talking about how somebody's a fucking choker.

I want you to fucking write in and tell me, like, on what level, when, where in your life can you even compare that?

How about the fact that they don't fucking kill somebody every time they tee off?

You know, they're sitting there and there's all of these fucking idiots standing there looking like they're trying to see when the subway's gonna show up. By the way, that has got to be the dumbest thing. All of those people, the level of faith that they have that that person's not gonna slice and hook one right into your fucking grill. I'm gonna look that up at the end of this podcast. I'm gonna look that up.

Somebody's had to have done it. How do you block that out?

I saw that dechambo guy. The guy was in the fucking woods. He's got like four trees in front of him, and then a bunch of fucking fat fucks with silly hats on, you know, the only thing he could do was hit it perfect, or something was getting hit and he somehow did it.

That'd be actually a great one of those jackass type shows where you have one of them line up with the driver, and then everybody, the rest of the cast has to line up and stand in front of him like he's a professional golfer, and you got to have your hands down, and you got to be leaning slightly over at the waist, looking right back at the ball with nothing protecting your face.

Anyway, so I'm up here in San Jose, and this is one of these really cool fucking cities that I keep rooting for to make, like a comeback. Like, in my stand up career, I've seen amazing turnarounds in cities.

I would say Pittsburgh's the first one that comes to mind. I remember staying in downtown Pittsburgh, and during the week, even during the week, it was a fucking ghost town. And it was like three Rivers Stadium was the stadium they had there. I was doing like a college gig. Every time I go there too, I say, I'm gonna take that stupid gondola or whatever up that fucking hill.

And I've never done it. And I used to stay down there, and it was just like, people on drugs, homeless people. You'd see a few people go in and out of buildings, but the buildings were like, empty. And then, like, since then, they built arguably the best baseball stadium in the league. As far as, like, the view that you have of those bridges, its just a shame.

They have the terrible ownership, and then they built Hines field, and then this whole tech thing came along and revitalized the whole downtown area. Cleveland, Ohio. I remember when I used to play hilarities out there, and Nick Kostas was the only guy, he was the only game in town other than the Jake or, you know, not even Gunderena, because it was before LeBron. That's how fucking long I've been doing this shit. People before LeBron, who's been playing so long, his kid's gonna be in the league, which I'm trying to think the last time I remember that happening was probably Gordy Howe and his two sons, Mark Howe.

And I forget the other one's name. And then there was no wait. Ken Griffey, senior and junior.

And did Barry and Bobby Bunz overlap? I don't think they did.

Anyway. And I remember standing outside of hilarities looking across the street at this beautiful but vacant apartment building saying to whatever comedian that I worked with going, like, you know, if I had money, I would buy that building because there's no fucking way this place is going to stay like this.

And I wasn't, like, predicting anything. It was just my ignorance that I didn't realize it had been like that. For 30 years. I've seen Detroit make a comeback. Cincinnati, downtown Cincinnati used to be a ghost town that's coming back.

San Jose is the only one that I'm still seeing. Like, we landed here yesterday. It was Wednesday, and we're walking around, we're like, where the fuck is everybody?

I don't get it. It's a beautiful downtown area. They got a nice little trolley. There's got to be like an artsy section or whatever somewhere around here. But anyways, I always get like, you know, as long as they're not just, like, building those glass towers and then, like, people are laundering money.

That's the worst thing about fucking New York City right now.

It's such a great city. It's basically the Paris of the United States as far as, like, if somebody from another country is traveling here, like, that's where they want to go. And then they just got those awful fucking, look like giant cigarettes, those stupid fucking buildings, and they're empty. There's nobody in them. Even the ones that are bought, there's just, like, nobody in them.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I do go on zillow just to see the fucking view. I mean, you can see the curvature of the earth or, you know, the ice wall. If you're a flat earther, can a flat earther please write in, explain to me the ice wall and with global warming, or do you not believe in that too? Like, what's going to happen to the ice wall?

And are the oceans going to, like, drain off? Like, what, out into outer space?

I mean, I actually, to be honest with you, I mean, I don't understand a lot of that stuff. Like, I don't know how air is light enough to be air, but it doesn't float away from the pull of gravity. Like, at some point it. Shouldn't it be leaking somewhere once the air gets high enough out into the atmosphere? No, I don't know, but it would be funny listening to me trying to take this person down with no scientific facts whatsoever.

So, anyway, I got three more nights here. Oh, one of these nights, I gotta get my. Today I'm gonna actually sit down and make the set list for my special. So I kind of, you know, only because we're gonna be editing the thing together. So I gotta kinda.

Cause every night, I kinda do it, like, in a different way. But what I'm enjoying right now is I have all this new stuff coming out, and I'm just doing it, and I'm like, well, I'm not going to do that on my special, but I'm just sort of continuing to plow ahead. But tonight, here or not, I feel like I have to be disciplined, but there's just been too much fun, like, stupid shit to talk about going on in the news right now. And I kind of came up with this analogy about Donald Trump and, like, trans people and then the fans of the right and the fans of the left and all of that and how we can, like, bring ourselves together.

And I just been having a great time, like, fucking around with that. And I don't know. I'll tell you, I am excited to get rid of this hour, though. I'm gonna miss it, though. There's a few that I really, really like that I am gonna miss.

And. But then, like, I can already feel like I am taping at the right time because there's, like, there's this feeling of, like, I'm getting sick of this hour. So this is the perfect time to tape it. And I know that I'm getting sick of the hour because every stupid news story all of a sudden interests me. And all of a sudden, I have a joke about the fucking election.

I have a joke about puff daddy, anything that's, like, in the news.

But after that, old freckles is gonna be on his summer vacation. And, you know, I already. My kids are already on their vacation, so I have, like, this thing, like, this thing. Do something with them every day, even if it's 20 minutes or whatever. So lately, we've just been.

We've been. We swim every day, but we've been playing, like, baseball. And my daughters can hit from both sides of the plate. My son's a little resistant, going, I don't want them. I don't want him.

But I started both of them lefty, even though they're right handed, so when they switched over to right handed, they would just be naturally easier for them. And, um, you know, it's just been, like, the classic fun thing we have, like, one wiffle ball and it's cool. It's one that I got from Travis Roy, rest his soul. He used to have this epic whiffle ball game every year for his charity. And I still have some that he gave me.

And so they've been playing with that. And it just takes me back to a kid, being a kid, where you gotta, like, we have these little stairs that it can roll down. So I gotta take, like, that little plastic slide and turn it sideways. And every time you think you've figured out the way to contain it in the area, you know, it somehow, you know, wiggles its way through and goes down the stairs. And my kids think it's hilarious.

But I gotta tell you, that fucking George St. Pierre clip has really been helping me with the. With my temper and realizing just the amount of dumb shit that I flip out about and what it's connected to and stuff like that. And I think, oh, freckles, I'm due for another mushroom trip. Once a year, I take a nice fucking handful of them.

I've never had the courage to do the hero's dosage. I think I just hate that name. The hero, your fucking hero.

A hero is somebody who is safe, sees danger, ignores any sort of their own, like, self preservation, goes into the danger and takes somebody out of it and saves them with total disregard for their own life. That's what a hero is, you know, a firefighter, cops, uh, salesmen. No, I don't. I ran out. Soldiers, shit like that.

It's not some fucking shit joke comic. Taking a handful of mushrooms, going. It's fucking freaking me out, man.

Oh, are you a Navy Seal? Oh, yeah, I'm a hero, too. No, I didn't serve. I took a hero's dose of mushrooms. How come you're not thanking me for my service anyway?

So I'm just. I've been working out. I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm chomping at the bit. Here I am fucking.

No, that's not it. Not the bit. What is it called? Chomping at the something. It's a horse thing.

I looked it up. I already forget how to say it.

Champing. Champing at the bit. Not chomping, champing at the bit. Some horse thing. I guess they dip.

They don't. Do they not have molars, by the way?

You know, it's funny, when somebody has big teeth, they say they have horse teeth, but then a lot of times you like fucking, you'll see somebody and they're clearly missing all their teeth, upper and lower from behind their canines. That's. That person has horse teeth, just to clarify. All right, people, let's try to be accurate with our insults.

I did my yoga yesterday. What is going on with me? I'm watching golf. I'm doing yoga. I need to do mushrooms to check in with myself.

I think. You know what? I think old Billy's finally letting go of all of this fucking bullshit.

And I gotta be honest with you. I'm excited not to be an angry bastard anymore. But then also, I'm excited for my wife. Cause she doesn't have to deal with that anymore. And then the vindictive side of me is, I just really want to see.

It's like, what are you gonna bitch about next if I'm not fucking angry? Like, what? What is the problem gonna be? You know, I was a little grumpy last night. Cause she wanted me.

Wanted me to watch the next episode of that reindeer. Baby reindeer, whatever the fuck it's called. It's the most simplest fucking name. And I can't remember what the adjective is. Baby reindeer, right?

I think that's what it's called. And she watched. We had two left, and she watched the second and last one. She goes, you gotta. You gotta watch it.

And I go, I can't figure out what my fucking password is for Netflix. And I filled the thing in. They said, you know, give us an email, we'll send you the password. And it's the email I used to sign up on it. And they like, we can't send one to that.

So I don't know. I don't know what to do there. But I've watched, like, however many episodes there are. I've watched everyone. But, like, the last two.

Fantastic show. And the hell was my point?

Was it letting go of the anger?

I don't know what it was. You know what? When you get to be my age, every once in a while, you just start talking, and then you're just like, what the hell am I talking about now for you people? You people, meaning podcast listeners, before I get in trouble, you know, you're probably thinking that I've been doing that all along, right?

I have no idea. All I know is I'm going to hit the gym. The easiest day. The easiest day for any guy to go to a gym is upper body, all right? It takes a real man to do your legs.

Anybody can go in there and do some curls, do some fucking nose crunches, nose breakers, whatever you call them. Do your chest completely ignore your back so your fucking shoulders bow around, and you eventually have rotator cuff problems. Anybody can do that. It takes a real fucking man to get in there and work out like a woman. Women are always doing their lower right because that's where they put their weight on, right?

So if they do the squatties and the fucking lunges and the fire hydrants and all of that stuff, you know, because they don't want the lumps and the bumps there, right downstairs.

And guys, we're all about walking around like, this is big. Chicks are gonna like me. Nobody's gonna fuck with me. And then we have, like, the, you know, for legs, we got a couple of tweezers, a couple of fucking toothpicks. I'll tell you, no matter how many squats I do and all of that, I can't get.

I can't get my thighs. My quads don't get any bigger. They don't, but they definitely get stronger. I've come to accept that. I basically, you know, I've said for a long time, me naked, turned sideways.

I have the exact same body as the pink panther.

You look the pink panther. He doesn't really have any brawn, but, you know, he could bang out some pull ups. He's wiry.

I don't know. I thought I was getting in good shape. I was doing yoga yesterday with no shirt on, and there's just no secrets at that point. And then the end of it, like, you bring your legs up, and then you're supposed to go over your head and have your toes touch the ground behind you, which I can't fucking do. But Jesus Christ, my stomach and all my mistakes were just staring me right in the fucking face.

My stomach was like those fucking people watching a guy on the PGA teeing off, and I was just like. I thought I had five pounds to go. This looks like. Good Lord. Old Billy Ribeye here.

Steak's a little too fatty there. It's got to be a lot of flavor. I'll tell you, if a plane goes down, right, and I die and I'm fucking. I'm gonna be. I'm gonna be a very flavorful son of a bitch to fucking.

To throw on the grill. I will tell you, that flame will become higher. You probably get rescued when you put my stomach on it anyway. Oh, lastly, but not leastly, rest in peace, the say, hey, kid. Willie Mays.

They were talking about him last night on pardon the interruption, and I didn't realize that he lost two years of his playing career due to military service. I'm assuming that was Korea. And had he played, because those were two prime years. If you just what he was averaging, then he would have had more home runs than Babe Ruth. He had like, what, like 660, and Ruth had, what was it, 713.

So he was right there, 53 away.

But just all these incredible stories about the amount of gold gloves that he won, the amount of home runs, the greatest base runner of all time, how long he played, how late in his career, he was still winning those awards and putting up crazy numbers. It was just. It was amazing. I, unfortunately was. By the time I started watching baseball, he had been retired.

I think he retired in like, 71, 72, somewhere around there. I didn't really start. The first thing I remember about baseball was the 75 World Series and my dad screaming at the tv, gee, I wonder where I got it.

Yeah, we still imitate my dad. My dad was fucking hilarious in the 1986 World Series. Whoever was starting for the Red Sox, the second they threw one ball or two balls in a row, he'd start screaming, pull him. Pull him. Like, no understanding of, like, how many innings this guy has to eat up the bullpen and all of that.

And we'd try to explain it to him, being like, well, dad, if they took him out now, you're gonna wear out your bullpen for the rest of. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. Crazy. Look, there's another one.

Crazy's all over that fucking map. This is completely losing his fucking mind. And he used to do that thing where, like, he thought the way he was sitting in the chair was gonna make. I still remember he was sitting in this. The ugliest fucking chair you've ever seen in your life.

It was from his dental office in the 1970s. It was made out of that wood. You know, that wood. You ever, like, get arraigned for something in court? You know, like, how heavy those tables and chairs are?

It was that kind of wood. And I really think they have that shit. So, you know, most people can't pick it up and throw it, but anyway, it's like earthquake level furniture. So he would sit in there, and it had this just brutal, like, floral pattern that was like yellows, browns and greens, all of those earth tones. And he would sit there in a suit because he had no leisure clothes, looking like a baseball fan from, like, the 1930s, when you'd wear a hat and everything.

And he would sit there with his. He'd have his left leg crossed over his right leg, and then he would have. His elbow was on the armrest, and his index finger was right above his upper lip, and then his thumb was underneath his jaw. And he was sitting there like he was listening intently to somebody basically saying the charges that had been levied against him.

And he would sit there for the entire fucking playoffs like that, other than to scream and yell, you know, pull him and all of that shit. And then he'd have to get up and, like, walk around. It was fucking hilarious. Cause at that point, you know, I still didn't understand the pain of being a Red Sox fan, you know, before they finally broke the curse. Because I was a little too young for 78.

I remember my older brother watched it, and I saw the look on his face. I remember my mother's face. Cause I missed the bucky dent home run. And I remember asking my mother, I go, did they win? And her face was just, oh, my God.

It was the exact same face when I told her I got arrested for drinking and driving.

So anyway, how about the city of Boston? It's just the third decade in a row we're winning a fucking championship. It's fucking amazing. You know, if you really look back at the city of Boston only having four fucking teams, the 1990s, and then I think you have to go back to possibly the 1920s. I can't remember if the Bruins won a title in the forties.

I know a title. A fucking Stanley Cup. I think the 1990s is. Might be, other than you go to go back to the forties of the 1920s was the last time we went an entire decade where we didn't win at least one championship in the four major sports. It's pretty fucking.

You got to respect that, huh? I don't care if you do or not. I'm enjoying the hell out of it. All right, congratulations to the Celtics. That's it.

Go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend, you can. And enjoy the music picked out by the wonderful Andrew themalist. And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. All right, because I'm back.

Because I'm on top.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 20, 2016. What's going on? How are you? How are you doing, you cunts?

You notice sounds a little weird. I'm in a hotel in Baltimore. Baltimore, Baltimore. I can't say that because I've watched Scarface so many fucking times, I can't watch. I can't say Baltimore without picturing fucking, you know, Tony, mon, is that fucking AC coming back on again.

How many fucking times I gotta hit off? Oh, Jesus fucking Christ. There's a fucking button on here. Literally just says, off. Off.

Here we go. Off. Shut off. Please shut off. Thank you.

For fuck's sakes. Sorry. Anyway, so believe it or not, I'm doing this because I'm flying back to LA as you're listening to this, and so sad to say, I haven't watched the fucking NBA Finals yet. But I do promise you, if Cleveland wins, that I will do something. I got to do something special or something, because who's kidding who?

The warriors already won it, right? If they repeat. Fuck. Sorry, I held it too closely. If they repeat, then it's going to be like, all right, can they three peat?

So next year, I feel like, is their big thing, so that they can go down with all the teams that have won three in a row. So this year, sort of like, you know, you know, it's not as exciting. I'm sure warrior fans. I don't gives a fuck. I'd love to see LeBron do it.

You know, after everybody gave him shit for the way he left, which they should have. Cause like I said, he gave everybody fucking, you know, sports blue balls. Like, maybe I'll go here, maybe I'll go there. Who wants to buy me a drink? Yeah, he was being very cunty, and then he went to fucking Miami.

Jesus Christ. What the fuck happened to her? I gotta have the tv not on in the background. Good Lord. Getting old is the worst.

I just saw some woman. She had her fucking head. You ever see, like, when a dog gets confused and cocks her head? Like, her head was just like that? Um.

What is that called? What is that from? How do you avoid that? Is there fucking alternate neck exercises you can do on the other side of your fucking head so that doesn't happen to you? It's so fucking weird.

Why. Why can't you just, like, you know, why can't death just be like, the old right there, Fred? You know what I mean? Why does it have to be just like, this slow fucking dissension into, like, God knows what? The older I get, the more frightening that is.

When you were younger, you're just like, jesus, look at that old fuck. What happened to them and me? I'm looking at it now, going like, you know, in the next 20 fucking years, you know, I better start eating better. Jesus Christ, I'm off the rails with my fucking diet. Does anything make you feel fatter than eating room service in your bed in a fucking ho?

Just eating in a bed. In general, nothing makes you feel fatter than eating in a bed. You know, just fucking sitting there getting crumbs on your sheets and shit, and you're trying to scrape it off onto the floor. You just feel like a fucking animal. You're, like, laying on.

I was, like, literally on my side. I'm in Maryland, so I got some sort of crab cake sandwich. And of course it sucked because I got it at the hotel instead of the spot to get it at, right? And I'm on my fucking side and I'm eating the fries. I'm literally sitting there like that fucking lifeguard.

You know, when he got shit faced and he was eating the burger and everybody laughed at him. Hasselhoff. Everybody was laughing at him. Like, it was fucking nuts to me. It's like.

Like, dude, what? You never did that? You never just been laying on your floor, hammered, eating a fucking burger? You should try it. Sometimes.

The food is delicious. It takes it to a whole other level. You're so fucking psyched and so appreciative of the goddamn food. You know, once I advocate everybody doing that this week, get fucking hammered, order a burger, lay on your floor, just start talking shit in honor of father's Day while your daughter films you. I think that's.

I think that's the way to go. Um, people already texted me, are you watching the game anywhere tonight? No. Fucking working. Actually, somebody tweeted at me going, what the.

What's with your agent? Why the hell would your agent book a show? You know, when there's game seven of the NBA Finals, it's like, hey, stupid. Like, it's not like we booked it after game six. This thing's been on the books for months.

We had no fucking idea. I didn't know. So anyways, I really want to see. I love the warriors, man. By the way, you know, I have no beef with those guys, but it's just, as a sports fan, when I don't have a dog in the fight, it would just be great to see LeBron after all the shit he got and all those sad sack Cleveland fans burned his jersey, standing there in their fucking cargo shorts, right?

Burning the jersey. Why? People filmed it. So fucking stupid. That is so stupid.

I'm not singling out Cleveland Cavalier fans, but when people just take sports to that level, like when Lane Kiffin left fucking Tennessee and there was that one guy going, let me tell you something, you fucking piece of shit, Lane Kiffin. You gonna fucking leave here? You gonna leave here like Tennessee's? We ain't no stepping stone to USC. We're a fucking.

We're a fucking destination school. This is what I think of fucking Lane fucking kiffin. And I don't know what he had. He had some Lane kiffin something or, like, a program, and he fucking peed on it. A grown man filmed himself peeing on that program.

It's like, dude, someday you're gonna have kids. What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't give a fuck. If I had fucking kids, I'd have them right there with their little dicks out, peeing right with me.

I don't take it to that fucking level or whatever. So I always thought it was stupid, you know? This is something, like, really, like, medieval about, like, it looks like you're at a book burning or something when you sit in there burning a jersey. You know what I mean? It's like, is Jesus going to come down the street with his cross neck?

Next thing you start yelling, crucify him. It's, you know, at the end of the fucking day, you know, who gives a shit if you had the fucking options? Cleveland fans, all right, of staying in miserable downtown Cleveland with all those miserable fucking fans or going to Miami beach with some of the hottest fucking ass that has ever been fucking graced the earth. You know, beautiful fucking weather, right? You buy a hurricane proof house.

I don't know what the fuck that looks like, but God knows if anybody had the money, it'd be a fucking professional athlete, you know? Of course you would go down there. You win a couple, two, three. What? He went three down there, right?

Four or five. Yes. Six. Yeah. Six finals in a row, and you come back to Cleveland.

All right, you fucking Snowden cunts, here we go. And I'm going to say, I'm going to go big air on this one right now. I say if Lebron. If LeBron fucking leads the Cleveland Cavaliers to the championship tonight. Tonight.

Tonight. Game seven. Yeah.

In my mind, he passes Kobe Bryant. All right, I'm just pausing right now. Oh, what the fuck? Everybody's gonna say all that shit. I just feel like the level of leadership that he would have to show in order to do that, you know what I mean?

Compared to the teams that Kobe played on, where he had all his fucking help, you know what I mean? Cause I feel like LeBron's already done the Kobe championship, where you piled on with Shaq and all that fucking shit. He went down there with Dwyane Wade and all those guys. But to go to the middle of fucking nowhere, as far as sports goes and lead a fucking sad sack fucking city. Set sack city out of the fucking.

Their cursed lack of championships is a way bigger accomplishment than any, than any of Kobe's five that he had. You know, my big beef with him is if Phil Jackson wasn't the coach and he didn't have major free agent signings there, they immediately became a 500 team with Kobe scoring 40 points a night. You know, just being like, well, I got my stats. You guys suck. And then he just would walk off the court.

I don't know. I would. In my sports mind, my unathletic comedic sports mind, I put that with, like, just watching, like, the Pistons walking off the court when the fucking Bulls finally beat him. I don't know. It's just something fucking wrong about that.

Walking off the fucking court. What do you fucking share?

Did she ever walk off the court? Did she walk off a battleship ever when she didn't think the sound was right? I have no fucking idea. Anyways, plowing ahead here. Had an amazing fucking time.

I did Newark, New Jersey, performance at Santa whatever the hell they called. They had some great shows. And then last night, I played this some fucking place in. I don't know why. I don't know the names on this run.

Hang on a second. Typing in the password one fucking word letter at a time. I played this place last night, and it was the same venue where Mike Tyson knocked out fucking Michael Spinks. Now, granted, the way they sat it when he. It's not.

Guy sold the same amount of tickets, believe me, they concede it in all these different ways. So they sat it more for a comedy show. But when he fucking did it, it was like, right now, Arturo Gotti fought there. All these amazing boxing matches had been there. And if you went in there, man, I literally felt like I was in Citizen Kane.

I gotta get you guys the name of this fucking place. One of the more amazing places I've ever gotten to walk into. Had this old fucking.

This old organ there and shit. Is it still gonna be on my website or no? Ah, for fuck's sakes. Bill. Bill Burr.

Ah. Just wrote Bill butt. What a fucking dope. Atlantic City. Let's see, let's see, let's see.

Something, something. Ballroom, coming events, you know, you fucking co. How fucking. It just disappears. It's unbelievable.

You get kicked in the balls. It fucking lives forever on the Internet. Fucking one goddamn day later, I can't find it. Whatever. Atlantic.

I'll tell you, if you ever want to make a zillion dollars in Atlantic City, open up a tattoo removal. Fucking tattoo removal store, whatever you call it. Service. Jesus Christ. I have.

Those were some of the worst fucking tattoos I've ever seen in my life.

What the fuck is the name of the venue, you cunt? This is what I do, and I can't figure it out. Just start Atlantic City, boardwalk hall. And actually, you know, my back has been way better, but just riding in a car, I don't know what it is. It just fucks with my leg.

The nerve starts acting up again, but I'm, like, 85% of the way back. I'm really psyched. So I didn't want to deal with driving that two hour thing down the turnpike, so I actually, for once, blew a little bit of cash, and I took a helicopter ride down from the fucking west side of Manhattan down to Atlantic City. It was the shit. I flew in an a star.

Got to sit up right next to the pilot. I didn't get one of the seats in the back, which was cool. I bought a ticket and piled on this thing. Some other people going down there, and so, fucking shit, man. He came out like, I was always terrified of being like, ah, man, I don't know if I would want to fly.

I still wouldn't. I would never fly around Manhattan without an instructor because there's just so much fucking traffic. But you just go out over the Hudson, and just like, you're driving down the street, you just get on the right side. I couldn't look over and see his gauges to see what altitude we were flying at. We went right down the Hudson river and by the freedom tower and all that stuff.

And then we got to the other side. Not the other side. We got the south side, and there's the, you know, the Statue of Liberty's right there, Ellis island. And then we went right over the Verrazano bridge, and there's no way to fucking go over that thing and not think of fucking Saturday night fever, you know, when that fucking guy, Bobby, whatever his fucking name is, tries to do the headstand. Look at me, I'm like, you guys, right?

Look at me. They're like, Bobby, don't fucking do it. Bobby. And him and his polyester suit just go all the way down to the fucking bottom, man. It's just fucking.

Fucking unbelievable. I mean, that fucking scene scared the shit out of me when I was a kid, but now, you know, just his fucking Afro and his fucking big collar, you know? It's almost like if he went in head first, he would have been fine. Or actually, maybe it would absorb too much water, and he'd hit the bottom. I have no idea.

But anyways, we went over that, then we went over Red Bank, New Jersey, made a right and went right down the coast, went by Asbury park, saw the Falken jersey shove it, and it actually made me think, like, I can't believe I never went to either one of those places.

Went down to Atlantic City, and then we had a great time down there. And tonight I'm in Baltimore. So that's basically it. But fucking underrated. Underrated.

Being in Manhattan, blowing a little bit of cash, piling onto a fucking helicopter with a few other fucking passengers, getting the last seat, and fucking flying by that amazing skyline, man, it was the shit. It was the shit. And I finally got to ride an a star, and it was way less intimidating than I thought it was going to be. I thought when I looked at the cockpit, all the gauges and everything branded, they were analog. I don't like that digital shit.

I fucking hate that stuff. I don't trust it. I don't like it. I'm not a technology guy. I like when everything looks like a fucking weird clock, then I feel like I can read it.

I don't like all that type of shit anyways. How many minutes am I up to here? I would do the advertising. I just don't know if it's come in yet. Okay, so after I do my show here tonight in beautiful fucking Baltimore.

Baltimore. I'm flying. This is my fucking day. I'm flying out to LA. I go right into the writers room, and after that, I'm doing a benefit that's really important to me.

A great friend of mine, Bobby Slayton, unfortunately, his wife passed away a few months ago, and we're doing a benefit in memory of her at the Sabin Theater in Beverly Hills. And the fucking lineup's ridiculous. Arsenio hall is hosting, and there's a few other up and coming comics you might have heard of, like, I don't know, Ray Romano, Dana Carvey, John Lovitz, Brian Regan, Bob Saget. And I'll be fucking pulling up the rear there. Low man on the totem pole on that show would definitely be me.

I'm a huge fan of all of those guys, so I can't believe I'm going to get to work with them. Unfortunately, it's not the greatest reason why we're doing it, but we love Bobby, and it's a great benefit. There are a few tickets left. It's going to be a crazy show, and I have a feeling all those guys are going to be fucking with you. Each other.

Because they've known each other for so long. And I want to be, like, beyond a fanboy that night. And then after that, I go home, and then I go right on a fucking play. And I have to go back to New York because I got to work with some actors to do some voiceovers. We're up to episode eight, everybody.

No recording. Episode seven, huh? Dog days is summer. We're coming around. We're coming around.

So fucking psychedelic. We're up to episode seven. We're gonna do the table read for episode eight. We'll record the table, the fucking episode next week. Hey, you know, I just realized, you know, it'd be cool if this.

If one of you guys out there wanted to come to a table read. I gotta figure out how to do a. Some sort of contest or something. Maybe bring you in for episode ten. Whenever we record that.

I don't know why the fuck I never thought to do that. You know, it's funny. I don't even invite my wife to them. I'm so busy, like, pouring over the script, making sure, you know, I don't fuck up the jokes at the table read. But you know what?

I'm gonna figure out how to do that. And I'm promising you right now, by next Thursday, Thursday's podcast, we'll have something set up for that. I think that'd be a really cool thing if you're into the show. If you're not into the show, then you probably like, well, hey, Bill, maybe I just want to go get a fucking cheesesteak or some shit. Cheesesteak.

Sorry. Anyways, let me. What else did I want to talk about here? This is usually where I do the fucking advertising, I guess. I can't this week.

Oh, Formula One racing, huh? The European Grand Prix over there. I actually didn't get a chance to watch that because I stayed out too late. But I did tape it. But spoiler alert.

Spoiler alert. Nico Rosberg. Fucking Nico. Nico Rosberg. He won his fifth fucking race, right?

12345. He's won five of them. He's the points leader. He's a. He's with the german team and he's just funny.

Rosberg, you know what I mean? It's about time they fucking made up for it. Had a jewish guy drive for them. You know, I don't even know if he's jewish or anything, but he also drives for Mercedes, so I always root for Germany and Mercedes because I've never done a background check. But I think I'm mostly german, just based on what my parents have told me.

Um. But, oh, my God, I saw the pictures of it, dude. Just driving through this beautiful fucking city. I don't know where the fuck I've been for so goddamn long when it comes to Formula one. Now, of course me, because I'm a psycho.

Somebody told me about the fucking, you know, basically the formula. Formula one of motorcycle racing. I don't know why I'm not watching that. I sit there and I flip out where I love all these fucking crazy contact sports, right? You know, I like rugby, australian rules football, and this fucking mad Max shit that people been showing me lately, where it's sort of rugby, sort of soccer, and after somebody scores, you can punch them in the face.

I don't know what the fuck that is. It's like football, soccer, rugby, and bullying all at the same fucking time, man. It's just. I don't know about that sports, you know? The only thing I was missing was just to have a couple of bulls run in there and just start fucking trampling people.

But anyways, let me shut this fucking tv off. This is really fucking with my brain here. I don't know why. If I liked all that type of shit, why watching somebody ride a motorcycle 200 fucking miles an hour? It's absolutely.

You know what is amazing to me is these guys are so good that when they go down, they don't die. Somehow you think they. I mean, not saying people don't die, but you think they would die every fucking time. You know what I mean? The fact that you can wear a fucking suit that is so goddamn strong, you can go 200 miles an hour and you can fall off your fucking bike.

And it just doesn't like what should happen. There is like, after fucking 2 seconds of skidding on the asphalt at 200 miles an hour, immediately you should just see the guy's ass. His bare ass should be there. And then you just see it looks like steak, and then it would look like bones, and then that would just be it. And the guy would be dead.

You would think that that would happen every time. And these fucking guys just slide in these goddamn suits. They're incredible. Not saying people don't die, but I think. I think this is sort of my next thing, man.

Cause, like, what's funny, this time of year when hockey ends and basketball ends, everybody who's a football fan, you know, picks either hockey or hoop for the most part. All right? Very few go hockey and then wait and go baseball. I only know a couple guys like that. So people go hockey or fucking hoop.

And people who watch hockey don't watch hoop. People who watch hoop don't fucking watch hockey. They have nothing in common with each other. And the only thing that they have in common with each other, other than their love of football, is the sheer fucking panic of the day after the game seven or your final, or your finals when that's over, and you're like, holy fuck, what am I going to do now for the next two and a half fucking months as I wait for the NFL regular season to start? And I'm not shitting on baseball because I love baseball.

I just. The fucking dog days of summer. I can't stand, like, you know, who the fuck wants to go out to the ballpark? It's like fucking 100 degrees out. You know who does die hards?

I guess I'm not a die hard baseball fan, but I love it. I love it in October. So I needed a sport and Formula one, dude, I'm telling you, like, the race today, it was only like something like 50 something laps. You can really just sit down and they bang it out in a couple of hours. You know, you get to learn about other fucking cities.

You know, half of them they go to. You're like, oh, shit, I'd like to go there. Look at all those people hanging out, calling it right now. At some point I'm going to hit a fucking country when they have a Formula one race. There's actually one here.

It says the United States. Says, United States Grand Prix. For the life of me, I think it's in Austin, Texas, which is really disappointing to me that that's where they're going to fucking have it. You know what I mean? Why the fuck is it in Austin, Texas?

They should have that thing in, like, Chicago. Chicago should have a Formula one fucking race. That's a cool ass fucking city, you know, fucking zipping over the rivers at one point, only one car could make. They'd probably kill each other. I don't even know what the track looks like in Austin, but all I know is Austin is a great city once you're in it.

Trying to get to it with that fucking traffic is an absolute goddamn nightmare. So, anyways, I guess this is a place here where I would actually pause, right? And I would do some sort of advertising. I'm just gonna say this so I can edit it in later. We're gonna pause here right now, do a little bit of advertising.

Where the fuck is my reeds? Come on, give me the reeds. Give me the reeds. Ah, you cunt. All right.

But you know what? It doesn't matter to you guys. Cause this is not gonna be in real time for you, so. Oh, my God. Does this podcast suck as bad as it sounds in my fucking head right now?

You know what I was gonna say about Baltimore? Every time I go to the Baltimore? Baltimore. The Baltimore. I always think about the wire.

And I was gonna go, remember the wire? And then I was gonna go, boo boo boo boo boo. Which is for law and order. I can't even remember how the fucking song went. I just remember the song in the end, the guy was screaming up.

But as you can tell, I'm kind of losing my fucking voice with the voice over shit and screaming about my dick here on stage. But you know what I'm psyched about is my fucking act is coming together, and I'm getting ready to do another special. I think I'm gonna do it in October. And all I gotta do is just get through these last three fucking episodes, okay? Give 100% on that shit, and then that's it.

Then all of a sudden, it's old Billy fucking flank steak. Remember when I said I wasn't gonna drink? You know, I fucked up on Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, okay? But I was great. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday, right?

So when I get back, I'm going back to not drinking. I gotta get back off this. But I just. I don't know what happened, you know? I fucking.

I don't know what happened, you know? You know what happened? I went on the fucking road. That's what happened. I went to New York and I met up with some fucking friends.

And, hey, let's go to this fucking bar. And then, you know, it's like one of these wine bars, you know, so you don't feel like you're drinking. So I showed up, you know, another buddy of mine, it's fucking comic. I'm not gonna say I don't wanna name any names, but this guy's fucking hilarious. And he comes in, and it was hilarious.

Versi called him out. He just goes like. Cause he showed up. And I know what you're saying, but why did you go to a wine bar? Because there were ladies there, and that's what they fucking picked, right?

So we're like, all right, we'll fucking go there. So he shows up, and I immediately go, dude, it's a wine bar. I don't. Cause he wanted a beer and a shot, and his face fucking dropped, and versey called out. He goes, dude, the level of fucking disappointment on your face.

And then we found out that they had beer, and they did have a shot, but it was just, you know, this foofy place. So the dude goes, they go, can I get you something drink? He goes, yeah, can I just get a bud light? And the guy's like, yeah, no, we don't have Bud light. We have.

We have whatever the fuck it is. Some italian beer. And he goes, guys, like what? He's like? And he just goes, is.

Is. Is that a beer? And the guy goes, yeah. And he goes, all right, I'll have one of those. And I don't know what happened.

Then we started doing tequila shots, and the whole fucking thing went off the rails. And I'm a fat fuck, and I don't like myself right now. There, I said it. I'm fucking in a hotel room in Baltimore, eating french fries in bed. Huh?

Like some fucking. I don't know, somebody whose dreams didn't come true, that's. Who eats french fries in bed. Or maybe people who fucking everything worked out for him, and they're just so fucking bored. They, you know, like Marlon Brando, whatever the fuck his issue was.

Oh, I've won every award that exists. Bring me a fucking elk's head. He just sat in bed, just gnawing on the fucking antlers for, like, ten years, and all of a sudden, you know, he's ready to do the fucking. What is it? What the fuck?

Gorilla Monsoon movie? I have biopic. I have no f. I don't know how those things work. I don't pretend to fucking know.

So, anyways, we're going to pause here for a little bit of advertising before we come back with a Monday morning podcast.

Okay? And we're back. So I figured that'll take me a good fucking three minutes to read those cunts. Maybe five minutes, whatever. So that means I can get to the.

I can get to the questions right now, can I? I think I can't. Don't get too close to the mic, bill. Second, you fucking exhale, it all goes off the fucking rails.

All right, here we go. All right, advice first. You know, some cunt in fucking Ireland. Some cunt in Ireland gave me shit about the ticket prices. I think that's a little bit too much.

I think you're funny. It's like, hey, douche, how about the fact I'm flying from the other side of the fucking world almost onto your fucking doorstep? That's not enough for you? Who's gonna pay for all that fuel? Um.

All right, here we go. Advice for. For a daft Scotsman. Hey there, you redheaded cunt.

Oh, I cannot fucking wait to go back to Scotland, Ireland and all these fucking places. These miserable cunts are some of the funniest people you're ever gonna meet. All right, he says, I'm 26 year old guy from near Glasgow, Scotland. For quite a while I was in a bit of a rut, but eventually I managed to pick myself out of it and decided to do something that I've always wanted to do. I took a big step and decided to buy a ticket to a festival in Chicago.

That's the shit. I love Chicago, he said, I booked my flights, and I'll be in the city for a week. That's tremendous. He said, basically, my question is, as I'll be traveling alone and will be staying alone, how easy is it to just hang around and strike up conversations with complete strangers in a different country? Have you ever found difficulties in finding common ground in conversation with people from different countries?

Also, any full pause I should avoid when talking to Americans so I can prevent getting my cunt kicked in? All the best, you fat shaming prick.

All right, there's a lot of questions there. Well, the only time I ever traveled is when I'm doing stand up. And then after the show, there's always people that just saw you do a show. So I've already broken the ice. But first things first.

Why don't I tell you a couple places to go to from my little fucking places to go thing that I have in my fucking phone that my wife used to make fun of. She made fun of places to go, and she was laughing. And then, you know what? We went to one of those fucking places, and then all of a sudden, you know, she's just. She has total faith in it.

Now she tells me, hit it. All right, here's what I would go, all right, if you like a nice fucking. A great fucking bar for music and that type of thing, I'd go to the Liars club. If you like cigars, there's a place. Big cigar emporium.

Check that fucking place out. And then as far as food and all that shit, I would just tweet about it, because I'm not a big fan of deep dish pizza. You know what I mean? I just don't understand it. I don't understand deep dish pizza the way I don't understand why coffee and tea have to be so fucking hot.

You know what I mean? So it gets the fucking. The teabag all in the water. Maybe. Is that what the fuck it is?

I just don't understand. But you have to wait, like, an hour before you can drink it without scalding your fucking mouth. And when it comes to deep dish pizza, it's just. It's just too fucking much, you know? And you can't just get a slice of it.

They bring the fucking thing over. It's. It's like, hey, you want some lasagna? Yeah, but not a whole fucking tray, you know? But you should definitely try it.

If you get one that actually has a really good crust, it is pretty amazing. But it's just like. I mean, you can literally split one piece with somebody else. It's so fucking big. And my wife said the funniest shit about it.

She called it an abomination. She goes, it's the ultimate expression of american gluttony. She goes, go to Italy. You won't see anything, anything over there like it. And it's true.

When we went to Italy, you know, they have, like, we have all our american versions of their dishes, you know what I mean? But there's no deep dip, deep dish pizza in Italy, at least not in any place we went to in Rome. That's the only place I've been to. But you don't see it. That's what she said.

And she goes, you know why? Because it's an abomination. So anyways, as far as I found in that, that liars club, people were fucking cool as hell. If you're into the music and shit, it's a good time. But, dude, you're gonna be coming over with your fucking accent.

I wouldn't go to the fucking, you know. You know, depends on what you're into. I would go to a place where there's gonna be a bunch of beautiful women. That's what I would do. And then you go over there and you just fucking.

Just. Just start talking, and I think you'll be in the fucking game, and there'll be. Who'd you come over here with? Be like, oh, I came over by myself. I always wanted to come to Chicago.

And just literally, you know how you talk. What are you fucking birds? Do whatever the f. However the fuck you guys talk, right? What the fuck you fucking do over here for fun?

You're skirtwearing kunt, right? Whatever the fuck you're gonna say. And they're gonna love it. They're gonna love it. Even if you ask them, hey, for a fucking shag, however the fuck you say fucking in your country, it's gonna seem so cool to them and so different.

And then also they're gonna be more adventurous because, you know, your, the story's leaving with you when you go back. When you fly back to Scotland, how can you avoid getting your head kicked in? Don't do what everybody else from other countries do, is you come here and you criticize the United States and talk about how dumb we are, how fat we are, how awful the foreign policy is, how our football players are pussies because they wear pads. Why do you call it football? All of that dumb shit, you know what I mean?

It's so fucking obnoxious, you know? You know why it's obnoxious? Because they, those kinds of people always come here and they act like these, they're these worldly traveled people, you know? And, oh, I come from here and I come from there, and we can do this and we can do that. And it's just like, well, in all of that fucking travel, you never learn to be on your best behavior when you come to somebody's country and you don't come in and insult it.

So you make your whole country look like a bunch of fucking snobby cunts. You never learned that one? I am always, I'm on my best fucking behavior when I go to a different country. I'm not saying I don't go out and get fucking hammered, but, like, I don't go there and shit on it. You know?

Some of these places I go to, I'm fucking talking to people. I know this place is nice. They're always like, why the fuck did you come here?

Remember I was like, in, I was in Oslo, Norway. I said, you know, I'm gonna. You guys were. Thanks a lot. You guys been great.

I'll definitely be back. And somebody yelled out, why? It just struggles. Like, what? What do you mean, why?

Why the fuck wouldn't I? It's fucking beautiful. I don't know. Anyway, so I would avoid doing that. And then just everything else is common sense, you know, somebody's, you know, looking like a psycho.

Just fuck him. Leave him alone. But I don't know, dude. I mean, I judge a lot of Scotland on that movie train spotting. I just feel like I don't go into any bars where there's an upper deck to it because I just feel like there's going to be that guy up there that's going to just finish his fucking pint and just throw the glass over his head, cut open some woman's face.

Like, I just, you know, if it's even remotely like that over there. I think you're gonna be fine. In Chicago, I would definitely try to go to a Cubs game. No offense to White Sox fans, but, you know, you guys all know that your fucking stadium stinks. You know?

It stinks. It's the only time I ever saw a stadium, a new stadium built. And they admitted so quickly, like, wow, we really fucked this up. Let's try to, like, it was like a botched nose job, you know what I mean? Like, your stadium is the fucking stadium version of, like, you know, when some Hollywood chick or somebody, they get too much work done on their face and people, oh, my God, what happened?

That's what you did with that stadium. They're like, let's wait till it settles. Let's see what happens, you know? All right, so there you go. But, dude, you picked a great fucking city to go to.

Chicago is the shit. And you picked a great time of the year to go there. I will tell you, the traffic is fucking horrific, so just get ready for that. But once you're in it, it's fucking phenomenal. All right, where do we go here?

All right. Dear Billy stretchy pants, on your podcast sometime back, you were talking about someone getting with someone else and one of the people gaining a bunch of weight. Oh, yeah. When you start dating somebody, how it's not fair to the other person for you to then put on a bunch of fucking weight, unless you're a woman, you're having a baby. That's obviously, you know, I'm not a fucking animal here, but I'm just saying, you know, after you have the kid, you know, that's when, you know, after your wife has a kid, two things should happen.

This is what you do. You get a little bassinet for the beautiful baby, and then the second thing you do is you get an elliptical for your wife. But so she doesn't get mad at you. What you do is you get her initials engraved on the side of it in plastic, of course. Totally kidding.

All right. I was already a few weeks into whipping myself back into shape. Okay, let me start this over again, because I even forgot what the fuck he's talking about on your podcast. Sometimes back, you. Sometime back, you were talking about someone getting with someone else and one of the people gaining a bunch of weight.

I was already a few weeks into whipping myself back into shape, but this really helped me solidify my will. Well, that's fucking great, man. That's great. I wish. Can you help me?

Cause I. You know what's sitting in a fucking writer's room is like, I eat there, like, the way I eat on the road. I mean, it's just fucking hard to try to eat healthy. It's just. You're just bored.

You're freaking out. You're locked in the fucking room, and you're like, eh, I'm gonna eat some fucking candy for no reason. I'm sitting there every day like it's Halloween, and I'm fucking seven years old. I gotta stop, all right? It made me think that I should really give my lady the respect of maintaining something close to the body I had when she got on this train.

She loves me. She has stayed with me in spite of the lumpy beanbag chair I have become. I am now 15 pounds down with a bunch more to go. But I am back on my routine. Four or five trips to the gym at 530 in the morning.

Dude, you're fucking killing it. That's great. And calorie counting as well. I know exactly what to do. It's just the time.

Now, my question is this. How do you deal with it if your lady wants you to eat the same stuff she is or wants to go to a shitty fried food restaurant? Anyways, thanks, man. Hope season two of f is for family is coming along well. It is.

Thank you, sir. Can't wait to see it. And I loved your last show in Austin. Hurry back and come during the football season. We had a monster fucking recruiting class this year.

Thanks, you bastard. Oh, that's great, man. You're good. Longhorn. Should be good.

It's a legendary college program there. All right, all right. How do you deal with it? I would just say that's easy. It's easy.

Just sit down with her and just say, hey, listen, you know, when you got with me, I was, however, years old, and I weighed this much, and I don't think it's fair for me to have put on all this fucking weight, you know, and to be looking like a lumpy beanbag chair, like you said. So I'm really trying to get myself back into shape. So I was wondering if, you know, you know, if you want to eat something that's a little unhealthy, is there any way we just can go to a place that has healthy options for me? All right. Because I don't want to look bad for you, and I also don't want to die early.

So you're fucking, you know, in your forties and fifties, having to put lipstick on and get the fuck back out there again and try to meet somebody who works down at Sears, you know, and I don't. I don't want to do that to you. I like to be here for the long haul, dude. There's no fucking way she. She'll give you shit about that.

That's a very easy thing to have happen, you know? And then also I think, sorry, I'm looking at the timer. I also think that she would be happy to hear that you weren't just doing this for some vain reason yourself, that you were actually also doing it for her. I think that that would be pretty cool. Now watch.

Now watch. He'll fucking get in some big fucking fight, you know? Are you seeing. Are you saying I eat bad? You say I'm fat.

You know, she blows her sales manager. All right, read this. Okay. All right, I'm gonna read this. Relax.

What's up, dickhead? Let's go, fucking bruins. Can't wait for next season. I just moved to wildly mediocre Los Angeles. Well, yeah, that's what you're going to feel like because you just fucking move there.

But if you stay open minded, which is really difficult for east coast people to do. I did that the first time I came to LA. I went to LA and I tried to do Boston, New York shit. And then when I couldn't, I was like, oh, this place fucking sucks. It doesn't.

It's fucking amazing. Beautiful women, some of the best food you're ever going to have. So much outdoor activity. Just fucking embrace it. Stop trying to be the fucking Boston guy.

You're not on a reality show, all right? Take it down a few fucking notches. Nobody gives a fuck in Los Angeles that you don't like it. Everybody just thinks, well, then go back to fucking Boston. Go back to Philly, wherever the fuck you're from.

If it's so fucking great, why did you accept a job out here? All right, sorry. I'm just heading you off at the pass before you come another cunt shitting on fucking LA. He said I work for the UFC, editing fight highlights. Thanks for keeping me entertained with your semi literate bibble babble bullshit day after day.

This is like a classic east coast guy. He really likes me and likes what I do, but he just can't get himself to say it because his dad never hugged him. So I'm not taking any of this personally. Anyway, my girlfriend is about to move here to meet me. She had to stay behind when I moved because she's a teacher and needed to finish out the school year.

We get along great. I trust her and she treats me better than I deserve. However, sometimes I can't take how ditzy she can be. Uh oh. I'm starting to pull some threads here.

She is successful and very book smart, but sometimes lacks common sense. I find myself feeling embarrassed when she says some stupid shit in front of my friends or parents. It's kind of a hard thing to discuss with her, though, you know? What the fuck should I do? Also, I'm coming to your show at the Saban theater this Monday.

I'm looking forward to it, so don't blow it. Well, I appreciate you coming out to that. Like I said, it was, you know, for a really good friend of mine and for a great cause. So thank you for doing that. All right, well, here's the deal, dude.

You either have to accept the fact that she can be a little ditzy, or you have to come to the realization that you're dating a fucking dope and you gotta get rid of her. It's one or the other.

I mean, look, she doesn't sound like she's 100% that I've dated people like that that were a little, you know, they were either locked in or just sort of floating. It was really weird. And they could say really, like, amazing, like, spot on shit. And then two minutes later could just say something like, oh, my God. What the fuck was that?

But I have to tell you, that's kind of a big deal, though, dude. You know, you can't think that the person you're dating is a dope. You know? You get into that situation and, I don't know, you start thinking about getting married. You start thinking about having kids.

You're like, is my kid gonna be half a dope or a full on dope? Is the kid gonna get all of that DNA from her? Who the fuck knows?

All right? It's kind of hard thing to discuss with her, you know? What are you gonna say to her? Can you stop saying dumb shit? I mean, there's no way to do that.

You know? I'm trying to think. That's like my wife telling me to work on my temp. I mean, I do work on my temper, but, I mean, it's kind of how I'm made up. I mean, if somebody's ditzy, they're fucking ditzy.

That would be like my wife telling me, hey, can you be a little less pasty? It's like, I can become red for a few days. That's about the best I can do. I don't know what else you want from me, but you know, I think you need to maybe move on. I'm not saying you need to move on.

Yeah. You either accept this about her, or you got to walk one or the other. All right, here's another one. Jesus Christ can't come, and I don't mean to the wedding. How's it going, Billy?

Butterballs, if you're reading this on Monday, it's fucking sick. June 20, Will is my 21st birthday. Oh, Jesus. I don't know what's going on here. Great gift hearing you read this.

Well, you're not going to hear it until fucking Monday anyways. All right. I'm emailing today, though, is I was with this girl last summer. Some good sex, no big deal. But we didn't have anything going on during the year when we were at college.

Well, we're back at it this summer. But the thing is, I can't come. I mean, I'm doing good. Pretty good ppm pumps per minute, but I just can't finish. Now, I know you're not a doctor, so not going to ask you why, but how should I go about this?

I think she's getting self conscious, but she's a hard eight and I'm a soft six. She's hot. It's not her fault. Daddy can finish. Daddy can't finish when the pressure is on.

How should I be playing this? I can only laugh it off for so long. I'll try not jerking off, too. Maybe that'll help. Any advice?

Thanks for the read, man. Hopefully I'll be able to come check you out when you come back. East coast, maybe Baltimore on Sunday. Go socks. Go fuck yourself.

Yeah, don't rub one out if you're watching too much porn, maybe that's a problem. Or maybe, you know, you don't want to be in a relationship with her, and that's the weird way your body's reacting, like you're wasting time. So we're not going to fucking? I don't know. There's a zillion psychological reasons, but, yeah, just don't rub one out for a while.

You know? This is another thing, too. Women are fucking. They're very forgiving people. If you.

I would. I wouldn't laugh it off. I would talk to you about it and just say, listen, obviously this is happening. It's bothering me. I'm feeling pressure about it, and I'm also feeling like, in a roundabout, I just don't want you to be taking my issue on.

Like, there's something you're doing. You're not doing anything wrong. There's something going on with me. And then she'll be like, well, maybe you should go talk to somebody about it. And because you're a fucking Red Sox fan, I'm assuming you're from the Boston area, you don't want to go to therapy.

And even if you do go to therapy, it's not going to help because you probably have enough irish blood in you. And they always said, who is that fucking psychologist that said the Irish are, like, immune to therapy?

I don't know. If you like this girl, I would definitely talk to her about it, but there's no reason to put any pressure on yourself. You know what I mean? Just don't rub one out. Don't watch any porn.

Just, you know, I don't know. Just let it back up. I don't fucking know. I'm not a doctor. Jesus Christ, Bill.

Jesus Christ. All right, here we go. Here we go. Wind it down, wind it down. All right.

Heroin. I have no family, no friends. I work and support myself. I have no kids, no relationship. I actually enjoy freedom and being alone to an extent.

I'm in my twenties. I had a lot of sex relationships and ended up getting herpes HPV. I would basically rather just not tell people and not have relationships than to have to at 35 years old. Did they have to at 35 years old deal with having to explain tell this to women? I really like heroin.

What the fuck? Jesus christ, buddy. What are we doing here? This doesn't sound real. I really like heroin.

I go to work, come home, and use heroin on a daily basis. I still pay my bills. I still work. But I have traded the pleasure of sex slash having a family relationship for that of watching tv shows slash movies while high on heroin, falling asleep, then going to work the next day. Should I change this?

Is this real? You know what? I'll treat it as real. Should I listen to society, stop using, go out there and find women and tell them about my situation and hope they do not reject me and get clean? Or if I am happy, is it okay for me to just accept the women part of my life is over?

Eat whatever I want, use whatever drug I want, and fill the time I have left on this planet, watching shows, movies, playing games, and resigning myself to the fact that I will be alone. Love the podcast. Heroin gets a bad rap. It may sound crazy, but people can use opiates and still be responsible. I know many people who do.

It's like alcohol. Both can be physically. This is really fascinating.

Or maybe it's a big lie. I don't know. It's alcohol. It's like alcohol. Both can be physically addictive.

Alcohol can actually kill you with withdrawals, while heroin cannot. And the deaths you hear about heroin are from idiots overdosing. If we. Well, what if you get a bad batch? Isn't that something?

You know, it's too fucking strong. I don't know. I don't pretend to know. All right. If we reported all the deaths from alcohol involved incidents, they are easy.

Well, they do report all of them, as far as I know. It's not like they're trying to hide them. They are easily 100 times more than heroin related deaths. But in our society right now, opiates are not acceptable because too many white middle class parents are finding their idiot kids using them without understanding tolerance proper dosing. Anyways, love the podcast.

I'm not leaving any contact info, so I have no way to know if you read this. Just thought it might be an interesting subject for your show. It is interesting. Yeah. Dude, I don't pretend to know anything about opiates.

All I do know is that the.

I know alcohol can ruin your life, but I don't think it's nearly as addicting as heroin. I have heard that people can fucking. I don't know. But I think if what you're saying is true, I think you're a rare person that can handle that. I have no idea.

Ah, fuck. Now I gotta look some shit up. The last thing I wanted to do, and I gotta get going here. I got my fucking show here in a half hour. Oh, the live reads are here.

The live reads are here. I guess I'll read them here then. Let me just see something. Let me just look up. What do I look up?

Productive while on heroin.

Heroin and employment. Independent drug mar. Let's see. Productivity and heroin addiction. What is this?

How heroin addicts in Vietnam. What is this? Productivity and heroin addiction. How? Living in a cave turned me into a blogger.

I failed my New Year's resolution. I wish I could do better. I just don't have enough willpower. Have you ever set a goal you didn't achieve? Ever tried a New Year's resolution that didn't stick?

What separates the 0.5% from the 99.5%? What makes someone. Some people succeed in building new, sustainable habits, but almost everyone else fails. How? Living in a cave term, where the fuck's the heroin?

Shit.

How heroin addicts in Vietnam and your productivity habits are the same. What? Everyone knows the horrible effects of heroin addiction. Once someone starts taking heroin, it's almost impossible to quit. And those who form a recurring habit will likely never quit.

So why didn't heroin using Vietnam vets relapse when they returned to the USA? A study from the Washington school medical Medicine. Very few heroin using Vietnam veteran relapses.

What? Very few heroin using veteran relapsed relapsed when they returned to the USA. And those who did were more likely to have been illicit drug users before ever arriving in Vietnam. These vets weren't addicted to the chemicals and heroin. They were addicted to the experience of heroin in a specific situational context.

In the same vein, you think you are in control of what you do. You think that when you fail, it's a failure of your willpower. But the fact is, you don't even realize the influence of the environment has on you. Did you know that obesity spreads through a network of friends? Happiness also spreads throughout a social network.

Your situation determines your choices as much as, or more than your own personal choices. When willpower. So how can I use this to improve my habit? Oh, Jesus Christ, no. Join a Wally ball league.

I don't know what the fuck that was. All right, let me. Let me look up. Let me just read these fucking things here. You know what?

I might read up on that. I probably won't. I'll try to. I would never tell people to fucking, you know, hey, it's just heroin, you know? That seems a little crazy to me.

And people are always coming in alcohol. That's like the fucking pot smokers always doing that shit. Well, alcohol actually, man, there's no medicinal purposes to fucking. I get it. I get it.

But, you know, you guys are also, you know, you're pie in the sky fucking thing with weed. Like, it's like you can't get addicted to. Weed is another fucking thing. Jesus Christ. Okay.

Yeah, you just really like it, that's all. You know, once again, as always, have a great week, you fucking cunts. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll talk to you. I'll check in on you on Thursday.

No drop. You think you're higher, keeping it off the top, but someone keep the liquor.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 6-20-24

Primary Topic

Episode Summary

Main Takeaways

Episode Chapters

1: Social Media and Comedy

2: The Balancing Act

3: Personal Insights

Actionable Advice

About This Episode

People

Companies

Books

Guest Name(s):

Content Warnings:

Transcript