Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burrs time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast, and I'm checking in on you. Hoo. Uh, uh. How's it going?

Oh, Billy's fucking old. Billy sick king. Oh, Billy. Bed bugs. Oh, Billy.

Springtime cold. Has any scientist figured out why a spring or summer cold isn't as strong as a wintertime cold? Jesus Christ. My fucking lovely wife puts on the heat. Cause I'm sick here.

She puts the fucking heat on. Like, I. I feel like I got malaria now. Can't fucking breathe, man. The walls are closing in.

Um, anyway, uh, get a fucking cold. It sucks. What are you gonna do? I felt it coming on. I had that big show last week, and I was.

They had a little after party and, you know, I didn't put my shawl on. You know, I'm literally getting to that age, man. You know. You know those old guys that just sit around with, like, a blanket on their leg? Even in July, they just got that.

They sit down like their legs are cold. It's like, we gotta fucking walk around. And they're like, fought in Korea. You're like, all right, you can sit there. Sorry, I was just trying to help, man.

You know. Just trying to fucking help, man. That's all I'm trying to do. Dude, what happened to the fucking Bruins? I didn't see 1 second of the game.

I was so elated with that game. One, first of all, to Chuck, however you f. I gotta remember how to say that fucking name every year. Because what happens is I go to read it and then I forget how to say it. Dude, that guy, that, that first goal he got of this series, just an absolute fucking sniper between the legs of our defenseman.

Top shelf, just inside the post. I was just like, ah, fuck, here we go again. But I'm not a cunty sports fan. Like, I give it up if you got a good player. I fucking love watching that guy play.

And what he did last year, you know, was, I just wish they won the cup, because I feel like that would have gone down with, like, you know, Kirk Gibson coming off the bench, hobbling up to the plate and hitting that home run off Dennis Eckersley over there in Chavez Ravine.

I would have put that up again, you know, what is it? The Knicks guy with the broken leg? I mean, the guy had a broken sternum, and he was still, you know, had to have his brother dress him, and he was still playing professional hockey at the highest level. It was unreal. So anyway, he scores a goal, and then all of a sudden the Bruins come back, offense explodes, and we end up winning.

It was four to one, then they had the empty net, or five to one. So I'm like, all right. That was fucking huge. And I was texting. Even after the second period, they went up one nothing.

And then we came back and scored three goals, one with like, 40 seconds left in the period. And we were up three to one. And a buddy of mine who's a Ranger fan, who I think they're going to the final, the Rangers are just like, they got the whole team. They can score more goals than you, and they can also beat the fuck out of you. I mean, and that's, that's how it's done as long as I been fucking watching hockey, you know, if you can score more goals than somebody and beat the fuck out of them, it's over.

Because no one's stopping your goal scores. Because if they try and do anything stupid to your goal scorers, some guy's coming off the bench and is going to give you what for. Huh? He's going to sit down and read the paper with you. Whatever, whatever.

Fucking, just making up expressions. He's going to give you the news, huh? He's gonna fucking, he's gonna peel your wig back. He's gonna fucking peel that apple, you know? He's gonna punt that squash to the other side of the fucking something.

Sorry, I was at, I was at a loss for an analogy there, so I just had to make something up. Anyway, so after two periods, I was texting with my buddy, who's a Rangers fan, and I was just going like, I'm not gonna be comfortable until there's like two minutes left in this game. Because last year I watched the ruins have this team beat in game five and game six. You had him on the ropes. You had him beat.

And then we just started tra la la and just. I don't know what we did. I still remember that play in the corner where there was two bruins going for the puck and one panther goes in, lifts our stick, takes the fucking puck, passes it over, and then it's in the back of the neck. I was losing my fucking mind. I'm like, this is literally fundamental hockey.

The fuck are we doing here? You know when you're standing up and you're walking back and forth and you forget that you can barely skate backwards, and you start screaming at professional athletes like, you know what's up? I was doing that. And what was I gonna say?

So I was just like, I hope there's enough guys left on this team that remember last year. And the Panthers, they're like the Terminator. They're like Charlie and Platoon, like, charlie ain't stopping for nothing. I got a bad feeling about this, man. Like, you got to fucking.

They're like zombies. You got to shoot them twice in the fucking head. Like, you can't give them. They are going to play until the fuck. They're like badgers or wolverines, you know?

We get it, Bill. They got no quitting them. Yeah, they don't. They don't. So game two.

I guess we just got the living shit kicked out of us. They took it to us, so. But I feel good, you know, that we won one. I hate that whole thing that the Bruins take home ice. It's like they didn't take home ice.

There's still going to be four games in Florida versus three games. You're not taking home ice. It's just some. That's just some fucking. They just finagled the numbers to make you feel like something just happened.

I just don't get it.

Well, Bill, it's simple math. No, no, it is simple math. Four games are in their arena. Three games are in our arena. And just because we won one game in their arena does not mean that there's not going to be four games in that arena.

And that doesn't automatically mean that they're not going to win a game in our arena. That's what's so stupid about that math, because now it's looking like, well, now, you know, the next fucking three, you know, two out of three are in our building. It's like, well, yeah, if you fucking do it like that. That's like when people say bad things come in three threes. Bad things could come in fours if you waited long enough.

You just call. You just called a fourth bad thing. Number one.

It's life. Bad shit happens. Good shit happens, right? Little list. Little that you say tomato, I say Basel.

Anyway, so I'll tell you, the series, like those series out west, that fucking avalanche Dallas star series. I'm going to watch that. And I finally checked in on, who are these Timberwolves. With? Who's that guy?

Anthony Anderson. What's the name of the guy? I don't know anything about fucking hoop. I know Anthony Anderson is on. Was on black ish.

All right, okay. And was it made his debut in that Jim Carrey movie. Remember that? My fate? One of the funniest scenes ever was those kids were obviously not his kids, but he just acted like they were.

Jim Carrey has three black kids, and, like, when they were all sitting on the couch and he's, like, sitting behind them, like, their shoulders, and they're watching, like, def comedy jam, and they're all dying laughing, and Jim's, like, trying to relate and laugh with them was fucking. I always thought that was such a brilliant joke. Anyway, up two games to none, last I checked, against the Denver Nuggets, and everybody, you know, was talking about the Celtics. You know, we're up two games to none, and, like, blah, blah, blah, blah. But, dude, look, how about the Knicks?

Knicks are up two games to none against the Pacers. How about me talking basketball over here? I don't think anything's a foregone conclusion, but, like, I think the Timberwolves are scaring the shit out of me.

We shall see. But they swept the suns. They. I think they've yet, they haven't lost a playoff game yet. They're fucking 60, and they're going back to their own building.

The target center. Fucking target center, dude. Right up the street from the mall of America, by the way, now that all the malls seem to be going out of business, what the fuck are they going to do with the mall of America?

I don't know. What are they going to do with everything, you know, once we have to start living inside and eating powdered food? Because the sociopaths that run corporations own politicians, and none of them are stopping them on this fucking insane ride that we're on to absolute destruction.

If I meet one more fucking person that is criticizing Joe Biden or Donald Trump, I don't even know what I'm gonna do. I just look at the people now like they're dumb. It's just like, yeah, you're a fuck. You listen to bedtime stories. You're listening to CNN and Fox News.

Once upon a time, there was another political party, and everything they did was wrong, but everything we do is right.

Um, anyway, uh, plowing ahead here. Ah, fuck. My wife's hilarious. She made me cancel everything today. I was actually psyched that she did.

Cause I was gonna German Irish my way through this. She goes, you know, you go upstairs. You need to get in bed. She doesn't talk like this at all, but that's just how I hear her voice when she's telling me to take care of myself.

So that's what I'm doing today. I'm just gonna fucking lay in bed with this. Like, I mean, she has the heat cranked up to the point it's like something they used to do back in the day when somebody had tuberculosis and they couldn't cure it, so they would. They would. You either cranked up the heat, or you moved to the southwest part of this country where there was, like, a dry heat because they thought that maybe that, like, helped it out or whatever.

So anyway. Anyway, what else is going on? I returned to the scene of the crime the other night. I went back to the Hollywood bowl. I did a guest spot on Seth Rogen's show over there.

And I remember when I. When I was going back, I was like, why am I doing this? I just had the set of my life here. It couldn't. It could not go better.

Why am I coming back here, risking fucking all of that up? And, um, you know, I was told, okay, you go over there, you're gonna do ten minutes. You're gonna go on after this comedian. And the comedian ends up not showing up was a little too banged up, hungover or whatever, right? So.

So now, instead of following a comedian. Cause it was music and comedy, and, you know, a lot of times those are not good gigs. So now, instead of going on after a comedian, I had to go on in between post Malone and Snoop Dogg. And I'm just going, all right, post Malone is a fucking superstar. And then Snoop Dogg, like, this is his hometown.

Like, who's not gonna go see him at the fucking Hollywood bowl? That's what everybody is here for. So I had to, like, block that out. And I went out there, and the crowd was great. And I went out, and they just told, well, first of all, you know, there was so many people smoking weed there, so everyone's just kind of like, hey, man, like, whatever, man.

I just appreciate you going out on the stage and entertaining me, man. So everybody was in this really cool, you know, vibe and set that. A whole fucking orchestra in, like, the Roger Moore white tuxedos playing yarn. It was really cool. And I went out there, and it was like, I just picked up where I left off.

Just had, like, this great time. And I'm like, that was unbelievable, right? And I get off stage, and then Snoop goes on, and I get to watch fucking Snoop Dogg in LA fucking doing his show in his hometown, man. It was like Mickey Mantle and Yankee Stadium. This is what you're watching, right?

Larry Bird of the Boston garden. So I get to watch him killing it. And what's awesome about his show is, like, behind the dj, he had. This guy just had a microphone, and what was he singing? I think he was singing Snoop doggy.

Nia Renee Hill
Dog, he was killing it, right? And they would just sort of vibe out and everything, and Snoop would be rapping his ass off of blah, blah, blah, blah blah. And then he would come back again, and the guy bring the mic up, Snoop Dogg. I'm like, that guy has one of the coolest jobs in show business. And I was laughing with Nia.

Bill Burr
Like, you just see this guy, like, walking in a mall, if you had any idea what he did for a living. I got a picture with the guy. I was like, that's like the fucking coolest thing. And then there was another guy, too, and his job sometimes was to sort of wrap along with the chorus. Like, you know, I've been to a bunch of rock shows.

You would know this. Looking at me looking like howdy doody. I haven't been to a lot of rap shows, so I was like, I was enamored with the whole fucking. The whole production, because all I know about music is like, okay, you have a lead guitarist, a rhythm guitarist, a bass player, a drummer, and then the lead singer, all right, the lead singer's out front, and then the lead guitarist, he stands over there and he puts his arm around him. And then, like, the band, the rhythm section sort of fucking hangs back.

Unless it's AC DC. You all walk up and you sing the chorus, and then you come back. That's all my knowledge of music. So to watch, like, you know, a rap show live, I, you know, I'm trying to think.

I've gone to a disgustingly few amount of those shows.

Who else have I seen? I saw busta rhymes after Dave Chappelle at the Hollywood bowl, and that was another one. Like, he went out and just fucking murdered. Fucking murdered.

And it was the end of the show, too, and it was after Dave did a full set. He still went out there and somehow made the crowd, like, go crazy. Like they hadn't already been entertained for, like an hour and a half or whatever. So anyway, I got to do that. And I hung out and everything.

And then the cold started coming back, and I'm like, ah, it's the springtime. It's not going to get ahold of me. Little Zycam, you know? I mean, I'll do some, too. A little fucking fit.

Fit up the nose there, thinking I was all right. And then the cold last night was like, nah, nah, nah, dude, settle in, buddy. Little three day vacation inside your fucking sinuses. You guys ever see that? That YouTube clip of that guy?

He's got, like, a fucking fat Elvis haircut and he's talking to that preacher, and the preacher has him on specifically to talk about how when he found God, you know, accepted Jesus Christ as his lord and savior, which I don't get. I thought God was Lord. They say Jesus is Lord. No, Jesus is the son of the Lord. Right.

Or did God pass that business on? Like, who, who right now is running that conglomerate? Any. Anybody out there that follows Jesus, can you let me know? Like.

Like, how does that work? Is he the Tom Brady of the team and then gods? Like the Robert Kraft or the GM? Well, he's got to be Robert Kraft. He's the owner of the team, right?

I don't fucking know. Anyway, God is a loving God, all right? Is that why he makes wild dogs that fucking try to scare a mother giraffe away from a baby giraffe so they can eat it alive? That God. That God's loving snoop doggy dog.

Um, anyway, uh, what else? Yeah, so what do we got? The Celtics game? Fucking three, I think, is tonight. I'm really watching a lot of the players, but I'm gonna watch.

I'm gonna watch that abs. Uh, stars game, you know, cuz I'm taking a little time for me. Do you know what I mean? I'm tapping into my inner white chick right now. I'm just.

I'm gonna have a yes to just give yourself a yes day. Can you imagine doing that as an adult? Like, how fucking self involved are you? Like, if you have. I understand if you don't have kids, which, by the way, have ever talked about that.

I love adults that don't have kids. You know what I mean? They are, like, fascinating. It's as fascinating as watching someone who didn't have a kid have a kid and watching how it changes them, you know what I mean? I love watching people who don't have kids.

And I just like, yeah, I don't want to deal with that shit. And I just want to fucking hang out and have a couple of beers and sit on my back porch. Like, I find that life fascinating. Cause I don't have it anymore. And I just, like, just observe, like, what is that?

Like, that's gotta go. Hey, man, what cool thing are you doing now, man? Tell me. I wanna hear about. Really?

That's awesome. As long as they're happy, you know what I mean? There's nothing worse than meeting somebody that had kids and wish they didn't or someone that never had kids and wished they did. But when you meet someone that wanted kids and they have kids and they're happy as shit. It is equally as satisfying to me to meet somebody who never wanted to have kids and is just fucking really enjoying the fact that weed is legal, you know, and you know, and you know, and they're not a mess about it.

They have a couple of puffs, you. Know what I mean? A little glass of red wine. Sit down. There's an art show coming at the exhibit.

They're gonna go to that. Maybe they go into Spain or something, because that. I mean, by all means, fucking do that shit and then tell the stories to people with kids.

We want to hear them. I'm happy for you, but unfortunately, most people aren't like that. There's, like, actually arguments on the Internet where there's, like, people that have kids are, like, fucking yelling at people that don't have kids. It's like, well, they didn't have kids. That's a fucking great thing.

The world is overpopulated. How about you give them that pound, and if you don't want to have kids and you have kids, you don't raise them right, and then those kids are assholes, and then your kids have to deal with those kids. So we should be, like, going, yeah, you want to have kids? Good for you. You don't want to have kids, good for you.

Do what you want to do. That's that weird thing that adults do. Like, there's only one way to do things the way I'm doing them, and I need you to also do what I'm doing so I can. So you can reinforce that. Well, the choice I made was right.

I call those people entourage people. You know, if I can give any young people advice out there, never, never hang out with somebody. You can hang out with them for the night, but don't get involved with somebody that has an entourage. You do not want to do that, because. Especially if they're in the same business as you.

Cause once you get into the entourage, in my business, they don't see you as trying to make it anymore. They just look at you as, like, you know, a subset of the person they actually want to talk to, and they don't see you as an individual anymore. And then also, if you get into an entourage, like the group thought, which is really singular, it's the person that's at the top, and everybody's standing around waiting for another adult to be ready to go. So the three suv's can go down the fucking street.

Your little motorcade. You don't want to be. This might be the loner in me. But you don't want to be fucking involved. If you have any sort of aspirations yourself, you can't get.

You can't get involved in that shit.

It always reminded me of that cartoon with the big dog and the little dog. He'd be like, hey, Spike, hey, Spike, you want to go chase a car and be like, nah, psh. You give him the backhand. Hey, Spike, hey, Spike, you want to go chase a cat up a tree? Nah, pssh.

You know, he's sitting there, you know, like, your happiness is, if the head person is happy, then you could be happy. Cause they're in a good mood and you don't have to worry that someone's gonna get kicked out of their position anyway. Plowing ahead here. If I run my yap long enough. How about those Red Sox coming on?

How about those Red Sox coming on up into third place one again? The other day, I fell off a little bit like the home life here, watching the Red Sox, but I've been checking in on the scores, and, you know, we're behind the Yankees, who are behind the fucking Orioles. We're doing all right. You know, I met a Yankee fan the other day, and he, like, apologized, goes, sorry, I'm a Yankee fan. And I go, well, why are you apologizing?

The fuck are you apologizing for? You're a Yankee fan. Good for you. You got 27 championships. You must be happy.

Don't fucking do that passive aggressive thing where you're, like, apologizing to me as if I've been suffering as a Red Sox fan. I haven't, not since 2004. And then we won three more, so I'm good, buddy. All right. What it is, it's phantom limb syndrome that Yankee fans have.

Like, they want Red Sox fans to still resent them. And it's like, dude, all we wanted to do is win the World Series. You know, beating you guys in the playoffs was a fucking bonus. Like, we don't put that kind of pressure on ourselves the way you guys do every year. We got to win it every fucking year.

And so all is right in baseball. We just wanted to win it once. Won four times. I mean, I'm not speaking for all Red Sox scenes, but I'm. I'm fucking.

To me, that was Roland, that's. That was the end of the movie. And then they won the World Series, and the curse was over. And then fucking four months later, it starts again. What are we going to do?

Am I really going to watch jaws, too? That's gonna be better than the first one I don't think so. Anywho, I got a. I got a live read. Oh, look who it is, everybody.

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The copy went on forever. Forever and ever. Amen. Um, I hope they get more honest with their copy. Hey, fellas, do you want to dick down yo, bitch, tonight?

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It's funny that they call it hibs.

What is that, gay Viagra? Why don't they call it hers? Um, anyway, I should have done the southern accent. Acting like homophobia is only in the south. It's not only in the south, but it's definitely in the church.

Um, all right, so anyway, what am I gonna do today? Old Billy? Twiddle. Twiddle thumbs? I mean, I guess I could watch a movie.

Oh, speaking of movies, has anybody seen the fall guy yet? I gotta go fucking see that. You know, I mean, that. That movie, it's just everything you want. It's making fun of this eighties, but also give.

It's like making fun. I think it's gonna be like making fun of it and an homage to those shows. Cause I fucking miss those kinds of shows. You know, back in the day before, they just absolutely, like, eviscerated and ridiculed the guy's guy. Like all these nerdy writers that couldn't get any puss puss, right?

They resented the Lee majors of the world, you know, who could just come walking in in an orange track suit with no shirt underneath it and it unzipped just below their pecs, and they had the perfect seventies chest hair and, like, Farrah Fawcett and all these gorgeous women were just falling all over themselves. They just couldn't fucking handle it. So they had to, you know, he's got some underlying insecurities or whatever, but, you know, of course, who doesn't? But when I was a kid, you know, it was all about every fucking show. It seemed there was a cool guy in a cool car banging a hot chick.

Like, that was the formula. And we all, like, live vicariously through it, just going fucking, you know, Lee Majors, James Gar. James Garner did it the coolest way in the Rockford files because his character was actually like. Like as much as he, you know, Jim, James Garner was one of the, you know, the classic good looking leads in Hollywood, but, like, his character was, like, just such a fuck up. It's like living in a trailer down on the beach.

He was always having women problems. He would always lose fights, but he was still cool. Burt Reynolds, all of those guys, they were just the fucking coolest guy. All of those shows. Hardcastle and McCormick.

What was the one I used to, what Matt Houston used to drive around that Excalibur. He had the perfect fucking, you know, hair and mustache. You just, like, this guy just walks outside and, like, just. It's just raining women. Like, how does he have time to solve any crime with all of this distraction coming out like, his?

That's what it really was. It wasn't the car, it wasn't the good looks, and it wasn't all the women. It was the focus. To still actually keep the career going was. Was incredible.

So the fall guy, I feel like, is gonna do the perfect cut, but it was also ridiculous, too, let's be honest. You know, I watched this, this Kojaka episode the other day from, like, season three, and Telly, telly Savalas out of nowhere, and that season comes in with the collar all the way out to his shoulders, unbuttoned all the way down to, like, almost above his navel in a police precinct. It's just like, did you come straight from the disco? What did you do with your coke spoon? You're a cop.

What am I looking at here? Right? So I feel like they're going to make fun of that, but there's also going to be that awesome truck.

It's got Ryan Gosling who just threads the needle of, like, tip of the cap while making fun of it.

Nia Renee Hill
I gotta go see. I'm gonna see that this weekend, without a fucking doubt. I gotta go see that movie. I don't know why they don't bring a show like that back, you know, and just do it with that sort of vibe. Like, you're doing it while you're making fun of it, but you're still doing it, you know?

Bill Burr
I don't know. You know why? Cause I don't know that cars are as, like, individually cool as they used to be because there's, like, some of the sickest cars of all time are happening as far as, like, how fast they are. You know, everybody talks about those muscle cars and everything. The thing about those muscle cars is they look so fucking cool, but they're slow as shit unless you put something modern in it.

They were fast back then, you know, if you wanted to go in a straight line. The american shit anyways, right? But, like, the cars, like today, I don't know, like, the level of horseback. I saw cool one the other day. This guy had, like, a mid nineties Volkswagen sedan or maybe might even been the late eighties.

I'm not real good with the Volvo. Not Volkswagen. Volvo stuff. And he put, like, a modern day Corvette engine in it and put racing seats, took out the back seat and just lightened the whole thing up. And he had, like, the fucking, you know, the five point seat belt, like he's in a f 16.

And it was one of the sickest sounding cars ever. And it was because you heard that american rumble in this. Was it swedish? Is that where Volvo's from, the. Finland?

I don't want to piss off the fucking, what, the nordics? Scandinavia?

Anyway, I'm just fucking babbling. This is probably the Dayquil. My wife gave me a shot at Dayquil, so now I just spend the rest of the day just walking around being agreeable in this fog. Like, yeah, hey, man, like, whatever you wanna do. I mean, I'd appreciate it if you turned the fucking heat.

I'm literally sitting podcasting, and I'm sweating.

Nia Renee Hill
Now. I want all you fucking medical advisors out there, whatever the hymns people are to now write in and be like, sweating is good for. You have no medical background. You know what your medical background is? Is listening to other people on instagram going, you know what's good for cancer?

Eat this.

Anyway. All right, that's it, people. I talked as long as I could talk. Enjoy the music picked up by the always wonderful Andrew Thomas. And we have a bonus episode of Thursday afternoon just before Friday.

Bill Burr
Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend. You can go, Bruins. Go, Celtics.

Nia Renee Hill
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 9, 2020, 2016. What's going on? How you doing there, fuck? O's old freckles laying on his back, trying to get rid of the sciatica.

It's much better. Sciatica, sciatica, sciatica. A lot of people don't know that was the original lyrics to Panama. You know, David Lee wanted to say, you know, sciatica. And Eddie wanted to, and Alex wanted Panama, and Michael Anthony's like, come on, guys.

You know? Except he said it in a much higher voice. Can we fucking just get along here? And David ended up giving in to the brothers, and that's what. Next thing you know, he was on his own.

I'm just a gigolo. So yeah, my back's doing. It's doing much better. Slowly but surely. I've kind of found out that it's going to sort of work itself out if I just don't have to sit on my fucking ass from here to Jacksonville every other week.

But that's the life that I live, you know? This is the weirdest injury ever. Usually if you're fucked up, sitting down, you know, and resting is a good thing. This thing, I just gotta kind of. I gotta lay down.

I'm a mess. I'm taking that fucking ibupro. I don't even. What the fuck it is some anti inflammatory thing. I'm stretching like a fucking NHL goalie, trying to get everything all fucking undone down there.

But I don't know what's going on. I don't know. But it is. It is getting better. But I.

I flew all the way back today from Jacksonville. Had a great time. And by the way, here's. Here's some. Here's some advice for you.

When you're out on the road and you're gonna get a breakfast, all right? Unless you're in some mom and pop place and you can see over the counter, you can watch them making your food, which I don't necessarily really like to do. If you're gonna order eggs, don't ever order scrambled eggs. I know what you're thinking. Why, Bill?

Why? Why wouldn't you do that? Cause they got a giant fucking vat that they've made. Scrambled eggs are the fucking oatmeal of eggs. When you go to restaurants, it's just.

It's like the trail lasagna. It's just that. Here's your fucking. You know, here's your fucking eggs. Especially like this morning, the place where I went to in Jacksonville, I ate at the chili's restaurant in Jacksonville, Florida.

I know you guys, you're jealous, right? Oh my God, he gets to see everything. So me and Forest Shaw, who murdered it all week, we ordered the. Whatever, the american breakfast or something there. And your only option on the eggs was scrambled.

Okay? Now if that's the fucking case, that means they got a giant vat that was probably made. I don't know how long ago. Whatever the health code violation is, plus five minutes, you know, it's been sitting. So you get the rubber fucking eggs and then bacon.

They just make a bunch of fucking bacon. They got that sitting to the side, you know, and then they had their bullshit hash browns, which, you know, those it was already all the whole fucking thing was already made. The only thing that really tasted good was the biscuit. So if you're ever at the airport, you know, or if you go down to the hotel, you know, lobby for their continental breakfast, you always never order scrambled eggs. Order eggs over easy, get an omelet, you know, do something like that where they just aren't going to just have the shit already made.

Or you could do the gross shit with the syrup, but that's going to fuck your whole day up. I feel. I mean, not like I didn't order a big salty breakfast, but for some reason a salty breakfast is as bad as it is. I can continue to function. But if you get a waffle of pancakes, of french toast or that shit, you know, you might as well just have somebody put you in a fucking sleeper hold because you're going down and you're going down early.

So anyway, just a little travel tip for you there. So anyways, you know, all this past week, the lovely Nia, my beautiful wife, was away and I was telling you how immaculate I was keeping this place. Fucking immaculate, all right? And I literally, like, there was no trash in any of the barrels. All the fucking pillows were all poofed up.

Looked like, it looked like a showroom, the living room, right? I made the fucking bed. You know, it was spotless. I wiped down my side of the fucking sink, you know, brushed my teeth and all that shit. Spotless, okay?

I got a car washed and waxed, filled it up with gas, all of that shit. Everything was done. Went through all the bills, got the junk mail, all the bullshit, the recycling, fucking everything. I did everything, right? So I'm thinking she's gonna come home, you know?

Cause I was leaving and right as I was leaving, she was coming home. So we were just missing each other, right? So I was thinking when she came home, she was gonna be like, like, oh, you know what? I might have to bring her in for this shit. You know what?

I'm gonna have to bring her in for this. Hang on 1 second. Hold on 1 second.

All right, all right. So I'm back here. So anyways, let me keep setting this up. So my whole thing, Nia, was that when you came home, this place was gonna be absolutely spotless. So you'd be like, oh my God, that's so nice.

And then also you wouldn't feel like I was this hopeless SAP without you. Cause that always bugs me. Like, when women go, like, they fall apart without us. Like, I'm like, I've never said that about you. Nor have I ever thought that.

Cleo
I've never come home after being away, and the place has been in shambles because you don't know what to do. Oh, so I don't know why you. So all that effort was for nothing? No, but you keep holding on to some idea of something that. Are you quoting an eighties song?

What? Talking to the microphone? Manspreading, huh? Well, I gotta be on the fucking couch here. No.

I don't know what you're so concerned about that for. Like, the place has never been disgusting or gross after I've gone away, so I don't know why you have this big hang up about. You know, I don't get it. You know what? Now I don't either.

Nia Renee Hill
Well, I'm trying to think. Will you fucking relax and let me work through my shit? No. Okay, sorry. What a jerk.

You're telling this story, all right? And then you're out. So any don't I. Because I haven't told what happened. So I'm fucking waiting.

I'm on the road. On the road again. And I'm in fucking Hollywood, Florida, right? Mm hmm. And all I'm thinking is, oh, the text message I'm gonna get.

Oh, it looks so great. It's so wonderful to come home to a nice, clean house that looks like a fucking showroom. And what do I get? I get a fucking videotape from you. She's in the pantry.

Now. Evidently, something went bad in the pantry. Okay. Something didn't go bad in the pantry. It's just some shit that's going down in the pantry.

There's some shit going down in the pantry. So here's the deal. I'm fucking in the pantry. I'm here by myself. I'm writing on the fucking show every night till 07:00 at night.

I come home, my brain is fried. I come home, I order a pizza, I pour a scotch, I eat. And then I stare at the wall. I go to bed, and I get right back up, and we stare at the next draft and the next script that's been my life. So I didn't.

In defense of me, okay, the one fucking place I didn't go into. So it was the pantry. It was the pantry. Stop saying, I don't like that word. I just realized.

Pantry, pantry. Stop saying, I don't like it. What should we call it? It's a. I don't know.

It's too close to panties in this food. And I don't like when food and sex are combined. Okay. No, I know you don't like that pantry. That's weird.

Oh, that. Nine and a half weeks when he's fucking her with all the groceries on her, I just was like, look, either eat or fuck. Not together, you know? So anyways, so she sends me this video, and she's like, bb, how did you not see this? Right?

It just starts fucking giving me all this shit. I'm like, what the fuck? All right. And she pans up to the top of the fucking ceiling and there was. What was it?

Cleo
There's larvae. Larvae. Little. Yeah, little moths. Modal what?

Nia Renee Hill
Go. It's an inside joke. Oh, good. Inside with who? But the fuck are people listening to this when I do the advertising?

Cleo
No, yeah, there's larvae. There's moths and stuff. Because some, like, if there's flour that's been opened and it's not sealed up properly or grains or cereal, they'll create little moths. Like, if you have fruit out for too long, it'll make fruit flies. So that was what was happening.

Nia Renee Hill
It doesn't make fruit flies. It attracts them. No, it creates them from that. I was just talking to Terminix guy about it. They just, they.

Cleo
I don't know. Don't flies come from apples? Listen. Yeah. Like, if you have fruit and stuff out too long, so an orange fucks.

Nia Renee Hill
An apple, and then fucking nine months later, you get a fruit fly, you're like, there's no, there's no womb in there that's making an apple. No, Bill, that's not what I mean. It's not fruits having sex. That's what you're saying. You're saying they come.

Cleo
I'm not saying that. I'm saying they listen. I don't know. I'm not a fucking term next person. But he was saying, what happens is.

Nia Renee Hill
Those goddamn dirty moths fuck on those apples out in the orchard. No. And they plant their seed in there and then it comes out like alien. Bill, there's not any fruit in the pantry, okay? Stop pointing at me.

Cleo
We have grains. I'm just staring at your crush right now. It's so comfortable, though. My lower back is so comfortable right now. Oh, you know what?

I figured out a thing to get for you for that. But anyway, we'll get back to that. But if you have grains and cereals out exposed in, like, this little closed environment where it gets warm, it produces these larvae and little flies and moths and shit. So that's what the guy just told me. He's not saying it right.

Well, how are you saying it? Are you saying I'm saying, please, like, tell me how you explain things and how clear it is when you explain things. Okay, what I would say is like, you know if you're having a cookout and you leave food out, all of a sudden flies and ants show up, but they don't come from the food. That's what he told me. But you keep saying they're coming from the apples and it's confusing me.

You said it came from apples. I said nothing about apples. You said it comes from apples. No, I did not say it came from apples. It came from apples.

I would never say it came from. You started throwing apples into the mix. I was trying to explain to you about grains and shit. You're right. Maybe you're right.

No, I was saying it's like fruit flies. This is why I sucked in school. I can't even hear what you're saying. Because you don't listen. That's why.

You goddamn add. You don't listen. You don't listen. And then you start saying things and you said them and then you attribute them to the other person. Like, it's so confusing to talk to you sometimes.

Cause you don't listen. Oh, it's so fucking hard. It is hard. How about we were just watching the Simpsons and you watched the entire episode and midway through it you were like, why is that happening? And I'm like, where did the blue.

Snake, like, a major plot point that had been explained not even five minutes earlier, but you don't pay attention. Well, how about this? How about my fucking back is out? And I was in Jacksonville, Florida this morning. How about that?

What does that have to do with anything that we're talking about? Well, maybe I'm a little fucking, you know, not focusing on a fucking cartoon. Okay. You're such a baby when you travel too. Whenever you travel, you fucking for like, one day, like, oh my God, I.

Bill Burr
Don'T know how you do this. And then it goes right out your fucking head. And then the next, next time I'm coming back off the road, you're like, oh, let's go. You know Susie fricassee's having a fucking hoo ha down the fucking street. You want to go to that?

Nia Renee Hill
When I say no, you flip out at me. I don't know what you're talking about. Yes, you do. You know exactly. You know who she is too?

Cleo
Susie fricassee. Oh, yeah, she's that next to the thing. All right, so whatever. So she comes home and evidently there's some sort of bug horror movie. And, you know, how what?

Infestation. Infestation. You know how the ladies react. They don't like insects. You know what I mean?

Nia Renee Hill
They don't like insects. You would not have enjoyed that, the. Way men don't like cats. I hate those fucking things. There's nothing better than a cool cat.

I like a cool cat that chills and lays in the fucking sun. Yeah. You know I like creeping up on you. Yeah. I don't like that.

When they're practicing killing you, you just. Look over and they're staring at you from the corner. No. Then they stop and try and play it off. I don't like.

I don't like that they stand on your chest in the morning, right. Waking you up. I don't like they shit in a box and then, like, you gotta pick it up. It's just too much. It's too much.

Cleo
Cleo shits just outside. But we still gotta pick it up. I know, but I don't have to. It's not in the house. True.

Nia Renee Hill
If you're gonna shit in the house, go in the toilet.

Cleo
I think some people can train their cats to shit in the toilet. I don't know how, but. Well, I can tell you how. They can't communicate with other human beings. So they put all their energy into.

Nia Renee Hill
Yeah. Like they got, like, that gift they have, like an Asperger with ketchup. Oh, I see what you mean. Asperger's with cats. Some sort of.

What's that thing they're always talking about nowadays? Autism. Autism, yeah. They're like autistic with people, but okay, they communicate with cats. Just stop with the.

They can, like, play an instrument. No, no, no. Just stop with that diagnosis of the mental illnesses. Just don't. Just stop right there, please.

Cleo
You're gonna get angry tweets. I'm not mocking, mocking any of that. I'm making fun of people that put. You can't fucking say anything anymore. Everybody gets all worried.

I know. I know, nia, I do. Benefits for all of those things. All of those things. I know.

Nia Renee Hill
Give up my free fucking. Some of your best friends are black. Oh, Jesus Christ.

I remember when things were funny. Oh, it was so simple back in the day where you. Yeah, it was. You could just say shit. Yeah.

And every fucking jerk off didn't have some way they could just spout about how fucking annoyed they are. But everything else is fine as long as it doesn't come around in my world. Can I just ask what this situation is here with the Ziploc bag? What about it? And how you're keeping your equipment stored?

Yeah. Bill's got this cord and the little foamy part that you put on a. The windscreen. The windscreen and a couple of batteries and an old zip lock bag that's ripped and just doesn't even zip anymore. Right.

Cleo
So I'm just wondering why. Basically because it still holds the things. And if I just throw that thing out, another one's gonna break. And then that thing right there is probably gonna end up on the nose of a porpoise, and it's not gonna be able to eat, and it's gonna die. Cause everything ends up in the ocean.

Nia Renee Hill
Yeah. You know, they always say that, put litter in its place. It's like the second all this shit that you throw out, they're saying you don't pollute. We all pollute. It's just some of us.

Cleo
Do you take this on the road with you? It's not like I was having an idea there. Good. I mean, do I take that on the road? You're just gonna be, like, babbling about something that you don't really know about.

So, I mean, I don't really feel. Like that's the charm of the pawtrain. I'm not missing anything. So you take this on the road with you? Yes.

All right, well, I could maybe get you a nice. Never had a problem leather satchel. Really? You gotta skin a fucking cow? Because I already have one.

It'll last longer than putting it in this room. Ridiculous thing that's never gonna biodegrade. What's this? That thing. That thing won't biodegrade.

Nia Renee Hill
That thing will be here somewhere in the dirt somewhere for hundreds of fucking years after we're done. I'm saying you can have a nice way to carry your things. It doesn't look like, you know, the bag that we used to use for sandwiches. What is your fascination with just, like, buying shit? What do you mean, fascination with buying shit?

Obsession. I mean, look at this. Look at this. That you're carrying this thing in. I really wish you guys could see the Ziploc bag right now.

Cleo
It's a mess. A man of your stature should not be carrying around your podcast equipment and in. Whoa, whoa. What did you just say? Ziploc bag?

Nia Renee Hill
A man of my stature? Fucking 2 seconds ago I was a fucking moron. You can be. And now. Cause you.

Touche from neat a. So who do you like tonight? Who? We got St. Louis Blues.

Meet me in St. Louis, Louie versus who? The Dallas Stars. Formerly the Minnesota North Stars. Are these hockey teams?

Yes. They are. Oh. If they're not like the Kings or the Bruins, I don't really know. Oh, yeah.

What are your feelings about the Kings and the Bruins?

Cleo
Well, if it came down to it, I would be a Bruins fan because I'm from Boston. Oh, you're just saying who you're gonna root for. Yeah, but the rest of them, I don't know. Those are my two. Who do you like?

Nia Renee Hill
I like both teams, but I just. I started pulling for the blues because the Blues have been in the league since 1960. Well, who's kidding who? Because the Bruins didn't make the playoffs. So I was like, all right, I gotta pick somebody.

And I'm not gonna jump on the Blackhawks and Kings bandwagon. Cause they're always in it. So I'm gonna go for an underdog. And I was like, well, the blues, they've been around since 1967, so the Minnesota North Stars, but the people in Dallas haven't been rooting that long. But I really like the players and shit.

I like Dallas, but I've been rooting for. I'm babbling over here. Look at that a little bit. Yeah. St.

Louis, are there going to be. Is there going to be a Kings game that we can go to? Cause I really enjoyed going to those two Kings games we went to. They got bounced out. They're done.

Cleo
What do you mean bounced out? They got beaten by the San Jose Sharks. Oh, so they're not in it? It's over. It's over for them.

The Stanley cup playoffs. There you go. They got. They lost in the first round. What about the brewies?

Nia Renee Hill
We didn't make it. We were. Oh, well, then I don't get. Well, we, we over what? We overachieved throughout the year because at least as far as I was concerned, I'm kind of.

Fuck am I? But I mean, with the players that we had and everything we got rid of, I thought we were just gonna be trying to figure out who the fuck everybody was for half the season. And then maybe, you know, I don't know. What about the Toronto Blue Jays? What happened was we were gonna be making the playoffs and everybody was all bunched together.

We look at fucking third seed. Then we had a West coast trip and we got our fucking asses kicked and it all went away. And then Flyer and Red Wings fans talked shit about, you know, haha, you didn't make the playoffs. And they both got the. Right there, Fred, in the first fucking round.

So I enjoyed that. Okay, well, the Toronto Blue Jays, is that a. Is that a hockey team? No, that's baseball. Oh, the Toronto Maple Leafs.

The Maple Leafs got the first pick in the draft. Who are the Raptors? Are they a hockey team? No, basketball team. Oh, Jesus.

Keep. Keep saying this shit. You know what? And then I'll do you pick something else that I don't know anything about. We'll see who's more.

Right. What are you into that you know about? Did I just say that question? What are you into that you know about? I don't know.

Cleo
Fashion? Okay, go ahead. Oh, Jesus. What's the name of the guy who makes fun of fat people? He used to be fat.

Ah. Is that. That's. That's not Alexander Wang, is it? No.

Nia Renee Hill
Is that Michael Richards? Is it Michael. Michael Kors? No, he's German. Is it Paul Mitchell?

Cleo
And he is the head of a very, very, like, the most famous fashion house in the world. It's not Versace because he got shot by that guy? Yes. No. It's not Chanel.

Nia Renee Hill
Cause that was a chick, and she's dead. Right. But she has an apartment in Paris that you can go into if you're skinny enough. Right. But you're closed.

Cleo
You're getting there. Chanel is right. Chanel's the right fashion house. The person who you're talking about is the head creative director for chanel. He looks like a war criminal.

Right? He's german. Oh, there you go.

Nia Renee Hill
And why were they war criminals, nia? Cause they lost. We would have just as many people going to fucking Nuremberg. We really would have. Okay.

Dresden. Carl Lagerfeld. Ah, fuck. Remember when we saw him and the last time we were in Paris in the cab and I started freaking out? Cause I saw Karl Lagerda.

Oh, that's right. Walking down the street in Paris, and. I thought, he's a cool looking dude, man. He's a vampire looking dude. He's a vampire.

Vampire warrior, criminal. Old queen looking dude. Yep, pretty much. That's him. All right.

Name a sports team. Go ahead. I'll name one of you. Tell me what it is. The yellow jackets.

Cleo
Somebody. Yellow jackets. I feel like that was a high school. I feel like that was a fucking fusion band. What about.

Nia Renee Hill
Wait a minute. No, no, wasn't. Is. That's like Wake Forest or something. That's a college basketball team.

Some sort of jacket. It was the Grizzlies. Grizzlies to rot. No, Michigan. It's some place cold.

Cleo
That would have grizzly bears. Right. So it's not going to be a southern team. Good guess. But they moved.

Nia Renee Hill
They were initially. They were initially in Vancouver. Oh, okay. Is that midwestern kind of thing? They were initially in Vancouver, and then they went to.

Now they're in Memphis. Oh, so the Memphis Christmas. And for some dumb reason, they kept the name. Kind of like when the New Orleans jazz moved to Utah. The whitest fucking place ever.

Cleo
And the Utah jazz, like, you'll never see any jazz or hear any jazz in Utah. I wouldn't think so. There are no jazz clubs in Utah. Yeah, it's like the New Orleans Mormons. New Orleans Mormons?

Nia Renee Hill
Yeah. New Orleans Mormons. I like that name better. All right, well, we enjoyed you here, nia. Oh, I'm done.

I don't know. Your phone's ringing. Oh, God. Oh, look at us. I know.

I get a caller back. Are you done with me? Are you wrapping up the podcast? Did you answer questions? No, but you can come back for that.

Cleo
I'm actually kind of tired, so I think I'm gonna leave. Oh, nice reversal. I kicked you off, and then you're like, no, let me come back. And then you tell me to go fuck myself. You know what?

Nia Renee Hill
I enjoy that. I respect that. So I just came on to tell the larvae stories. Larvae, larvae. And then levee.

Get out of here so I can straighten out my legs and fucking get my. I feel like Kennedy right now. Are you even able to do a podcast in the upright position anymore? Um. This is why I married you.

This is the type of compassion that I've come to expect from you. You're such a fucking baby. I. I tough my way through all of this shit. I never see doctors.

I don't take medicine. That's because you're dumb, not because you're tough. It's because you're dumb. People think they're so tough because they don't go to the hospital, they don't go to doctors. They don't take medicine.

Cleo
No, you're dumb. We have advances in our society that you don't talk to. I am dumb, but I'm tougher than you. You're a baby, so fine, be tough. All you want, but, like, be smart and tough.

Go to the doctor. If you're so tough, go to the doctor. And it feels like the turning point in, like, an after school special. Yeah, well, I'm getting there. Be tough by going to the doctor and hearing what they have to say.

That's real toughness. That's real talk. That's real talk, son. All right, I'm out of here. Nene.

Out. Sorry, I had to. I enjoyed when you come out. I like. I missed you, bb.

Nia Renee Hill
Huh? All right, get out. Don't say huh. You heard me. Listen, I went out, you know.

You know why I don't go to fucking doctors and all that shit? Why? Because doctors, they practice medicine. They practice on you. They don't have shit down.

And one of the. One of the things that they still don't know a lot about, they practice. But it's not like they don't mean it. Like they're practicing. Like, you sit in here practicing drums, you know, that's not the same thing.

Cleo
They went to medical school. I understand that. So why are you, like, taking that word so literally? Have you ever seen Lars Ulrich play life? He practices.

Nia Renee Hill
He fucks up all the time with Metallica. Oh, my God, Nia. Yes. I'm telling you, that's what it means. You practice medicine, and then you learn off other people.

Just look how much better hair plugs have gotten. Look how much better they're getting with the fucking, you know, cutting part of your eye out, and then you can see better. You told me you were going to go to a doctor to figure out what was happening with your leg. Okay? So I know what it is.

Cleo
I know you said it could. I know you think you know what it is, but can you please go to a doctor? And so it doesn't become a chronic issue. Can I finish? So.

And then when you're, you know, 50, which is. Can I. Can I finish? Far away. Can I finish?

You can be. You can have some sort of handle on it. Yeah. One of the things that they know the least about is the back. Okay.

Nia Renee Hill
And I'm just. I'm just not gonna just go to a fucking chiropractor. I'm gonna find somebody, you know, who has a good reputation of not just fucking opening people up like a. It isn't fine. Cause I wasn't done talking.

You always jump in because you're suggesting. That I just want you to go to some random ass clinic. I was just joking around. I was joking around. Well, I'm holding you to this because you said you were gonna do it.

Cleo
So are you gonna do it?

Nia Renee Hill
I don't know. I'm feeling pretty good. I don't like going. I don't like going to the doctor way. I don't like going to the fucking mall.

Just the whole idea. Going over there and parking and just the whole fucking thing. I know. Can you feel me? Shall I make sure you show up 15 minutes before?

Yeah, yeah, I'll be there. See you then. I know. But once it's done, it's done. And, you know.

You know, my first show in Hollywood, Florida, there was a couple of ladies in the front row were asking if you were there because they needed relationship advice. Oh, yeah. You know. Yeah. They were like, how come we don't have boyfriends?

Cleo
No, they didn't say this. That's what they said. Someone actually wrote me and asked me about you proposing. And actually, that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to talk about this email I got.

Should we do it today or should we do it this way? No. Who the fuck is writing you? And how the fuck are they writing you? Because they write, Mike.

Because of my website, tenderheadedfilms.com. Jesus. So they were writing me because, remember, I was gonna do a podcast all those years ago and I just never did it. Mm hmm. No, they wrote this whole thing about how did you get a guy who was so anti marriage to propose and all that kind of stuff?

And how did it happen? And did I propose? No, I did not propose. Bill proposed to me and all that stuff. And then what did you just write?

Nia Renee Hill
I wore him down. I didn't. Excuse me? I wore him down. No, no, see, this is why we have to talk about it.

Cleo
Cause that's some bullshit. No, we don't even put that out there. We're just making a joke. Will you fucking relax? You love me.

Nia Renee Hill
You missed me. You told your larvae story. Now, one thing about show business is you leave them wanting more. So get your fucking cute ass out of here. All right, goodbye.

Cleo
I want to talk about that story, though. I want to answer that. Oh, we all want to do things in life. Beat it. Goodbye.

Nia Renee Hill
Hit the road, Jack. Don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more hit the road, Nene. Yeah, so that's what I came up to. She fucking shows me this big goddamn thing about all the fucking. I mean, granted, as much as I'm gonna bitch it, it was a bunch of fucking larvae.

I swear to God. She says that comes from apples and flowers, not flour, and flour being left out in grains. Whatever. You know what? If you agree with her, you can go fuck yourselves.

Bill Burr
How about that? All right, let's read a little advertising here for this week, shall we? All right. And with that, it's over. Come on.

Nia Renee Hill
Come on. Now. Delete. Close the window and on to the rest of the bullshit. I had the worst fucking.

He was a good guy, but I had a bad cab driver way back from the fucking airport. He was one of those one of those people that can't keep a consistent speed, you know, so they make your car sick. And what was hilarious was he was driving a Prius. And the way he was driving this thing, I would be surprised if he was getting 8 miles per gallon. He just kept doing that, just stomp and glide.

It just amazed me. Some people liked how they cannot hear. You can't hear the engine, you know, you can't hear the fucking rpms going through the roof. You don't understand that as wasting fuel. I know.

You know how bad those cabbies get fucked over. You think that he would be concerned about something? You think if you drove for a fucking living, you'd have an understanding of how a fucking engine works?

It was so fucking annoying. It actually, it just kind of just became funny. And he was a really nice guy, but I don't know, some people, like, it's almost. It's like they're driving with a fake foot, you know, or a mechanical foot like the prototype. And, you know, it's either on or off.

There's no consistency of speed. This guy, he just kept going up to like 65, 70 miles an hour and then glide back down to like, you know, 52. Of course I'm looking at my fucking phone, so I'm starting to get sick. Yeah. You know, it was a shit show.

An absolute fucking shit show. Oh, you know, when I went to Florida, by the way, I landed in Miami. And every time I land into Miami, you immediately start seeing all these beautiful women. And every time I go there, I just hear Tony Montana's voice going, the city is like one big pussy waiting to get fucked.

And I was trying to bait Nia into those two women that were sitting in the front row to get into that fucking conversation. But she didn't buy the bait. She didn't take the bait. Cause they were like, why don't we have boyfriends? You know?

And you should have seen him. Cause you. I don't know. Cause you guys are. You're not wearing any clothes.

That be the one thing as beautiful as you are. No guy wants to put up with that. You gotta walk down the street like some overprotective dog keeping everybody away. Everybody's. I mean, one of them was barely wearing a shirt.

Granted, I wasn't complaining for where I was standing from, but I mean, it just seemed kind of obvious, you know what I mean? You gotta. You gotta cover up the goods a little bit. I mean, I would say that to Madonna. I don't know if she's currently dating somebody, right?

Now. But Madonna is in fucking unbelievable shape for her age. And if she would just put on something elegant, you know what I mean? Instead of rolling around with half a fucking pussy lip hanging out. I don't know why she does that.

She said something late, you know, she did yet another, like, her whole fucking career has been like one big publicity stunt after another. You know, I'm wearing a wedding dress, but I'm fingering myself at the fucking awards show, right? You know, right from there. And then, oh, it's Jesus, but he's african american, and now I'm trying to fuck him. It's just paint by numbers shock.

And what's funny is I actually like her music.

I just keep, you know, that's actually how I threw out my back doing that Molly Ringwald dance. Anyways. Yeah. And then she goes on Letterman. She says fuck 50,000 times.

She does stand up on the Tonight show. It's just one big fucking thing after another. So her latest one, well, she showed up to a movie theater. Not movie, movie premiere or whatever the fuck. She.

I don't know who the fuck knows what it was. You know, some fundraiser to get toothbrushes to some fucking God forsaken place. So she shows up and she literally has her titties and her ass out like a see through dress. And she, of course, says, well, what I'm doing is I'm challenging the boundaries. And of what, you know, of course women, you know, you got to drag all that bullshit in there.

It's like, no, you're 57, okay? Nobody wants to look at that. Okay? Like, in my age, I am. I am well into.

Put on a fucking sport coat. Nobody wants to see it. It's just, uh. Yeah, you're not pushing any boundaries. It's just, it's a, you know, you having a little bit of a midlife crisis.

I think she looks fucking great, but she'd look way better if she fucking just, you know. You know, put on. Put on a fucking dress. Fuck are you doing? I don't know.

But then again, I saw iggy pop, and he wasn't wearing a shirt. But I don't find guys aren't, like, attractive. It was just sort of funny to me. Not funny. I just was just him not giving a fuck.

So I guess if she just said, look, I don't give a fuck, I just felt like having my ass and titties hanging out, I wouldn't have a problem with that. But the fact that she's sitting there trying to say that, no, no, wait a minute. I think she might be right. Maybe she is right. Hey, Mia, come here.

You gotta answer this question.

There's a chance I might become enlightened and understand Madonna more.

Until she comes here. I'll sing. I'll sing some of my favorite songs by her. Bad boy. No.

Bad girl. Home by six. Hey, pick up the mic. I got a question for you. Now you want me back?

Yep. That's like that street joke I told you, right? What? When? I heard Jackie the joke man.

Cleo
Tell the one about the gorilla. No, the one with the fucking. The married guy. He's walking out of the house, and his wife's yelling at him, go. Get the fuck out of here.

Nia Renee Hill
Get the fuck out. I never want to see you again. So he's walking away, and she goes, I hope you die a long, slow, miserable death. And he turns around, he goes, oh, what, now you want me back? That's a stupid joke.

Just reminded me of that. Anyway, I could have told it better, but I just got off the plane. Jackie, the joke man tells way better. All right, so Madonna recently. Borderline.

Cleo
Mm hmm. She showed up at some fucking, you know, raise awareness thing. I don't know what it was. It was a carpet. She showed up and she had her butt cheeks out and her titties out.

Okay, this was the Met ball. That happens every year in New York City. And that's for the Mets. Yes, it is. Go, Mets.

Nia Renee Hill
But it's just for one of them. I know. It's for the fucking museum. Yes, the hacky date. Every fucking person in their twenties goes on in New York.

Cleo
And Madonna. Let's go to a museum. It's a big gala. Only the creme de la creme darling are invited. So Ralph Lauren pretends to fall, and he sniffs her butt on the way down.

Nia Renee Hill
Is that what happens? What? You know, those super rich people, they're all freaks, aren't they? I guess. Wasn't that the point of eyes wide shut?

Cleo
I don't know what the point of eyes wide shut was. Well, what happened was Stanley Kubrick died. I liked it. He died halfway through. I saw a great fucking.

Nia Renee Hill
A movie on the plane called the Insiders. It's a movie made by some korean director, man. It was fucking phenomenal. Really enjoyed it. Okay.

Had one of the best fucking fight scenes I've seen. Because the guy was missing a hand. Mm hmm. You know, so he had to, like, fucking. You know.

Everybody knew what hand he was throwing. Right. And it was multiple attackers. It was the shit. I almost gave it a standing ovation.

On the plane. If it was pre 911, I could have done it, but I started to do it, and they're like, sir, sir, why are you being hostile? I had to sit down, okay? It's another freedom lost. So anyways, so fucking Madonna shows up.

Cleo
Uh huh. Yeah, I saw her. Okay, so she says that she's trying to fucking push the boundaries of all whatever, the fucking sex and that type of thing. Yeah. Okay.

Nia Renee Hill
So I was going like, now, come on, you're 57. No one wants to see me without a shirt on. Granted, she's in better shape than I am, but, like, you know, I'm in my sport coat years, like, you know, covered up their freckles. Right. So what I'm saying is you're in your sport coat.

Cleo
You. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get to a certain point, you get in your forties and stuff like that. Women dress elegantly and men dress like gentlemen. Yeah.

Nia Renee Hill
In other words. Yeah. You cover up, you know, the fucking battle scars of what you've been through. Okay. Too many fucking wine and cheese plates.

No, what I'm saying is. So I was saying if Mark Madonna just put on a nice dress, she could look really elegant. Yeah, that's not really her vibe. Yeah, I know, I know, but you know something? It's like, look, who's Ken?

Who? Michael Jackson. If. If he was still alive. The short pants with the glitter socks.

It's like, come on, dude. Some point you gotta update the look. What is your point with this whole Madonna thing? Is that a mess? So I was saying that, but then I was like, wait a minute.

But when I saw iggy pop with no shirt on, I thought it was badass that he didn't give a fuck. So that's bullshit. So I should be actually applauding Madonna? Wow, look at you. See that?

That's not. That's nice. Okay. I was gonna say. You were gonna like, wow, look at you.

You're really not as dumb. So my apologies to Madonna. Borderline.

Feels like I'm showing off my behind. Take it. Look at my fucking 57 year old titties. She's not 57. She's my age.

We're ten years apart. So she's 50. Wait, what? Madonna's about 57 years. Wait, is she?

Yes, she is. She was born the same year as prince. Oh, shit. No, same year as Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson was 58.

Prince was 58. I think Madonna was 58. I never know how old Madonna is ever. And that was like, in 19. She's 57.

Cleo
Oh, my God, you're right. She's gonna be 58, right? Had no idea. In August. Yeah, she'll be 58.

Nia Renee Hill
Yeah. So 1958, as far as music goes, was kind of like 1940. 319 43 was Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison all born 1943. And then they all died in 1970. And then people started to understand drugs and, you know, bringing a jump rope on the road and maybe becoming a vegan.

So now they live longer. Michael made it to 50. Prince made it to 57. Madonna's still going. Okay, right.

So all of them, in their own way, kind of went on stage with their ass hanging out. Right. Um, okay. Where are you going with this? No way.

Cleo
I gotta fill. I gotta fill up an hour. Sometimes I gotta fuck it. I want to do some questions here. Okay, so you brought me in to show me that you've evolved and seeing your own?

Nia Renee Hill
No, I was trying to double stand. I was trying to see if that was a double standard. Aging women and showing their bodies. Yeah, and, you know, double standard also works with women. The way they look at guys in certain situations too.

You guys aren't like, perfect. No one. No one is claiming to be perfect. Okay, well, the media just seems to cover your complaints. And then this just when will you.

Cleo
Ever have a voice? Thank God you have this podcast. I know no one would hear me. Listen, nia, you gotta understand, the world doesn't live with me. They don't have the privilege of living with me the way you do.

Nia Renee Hill
So I need to do this once a week.

That's a fucking beautiful watch. Who got you that? You did. That's right. Asshole.

Cleo
Really? Response to stinky German from last week. So this poor bastard, he's german, right? Yes. And so he lives in Germany.

Nia Renee Hill
He's old school, okay? He didn't leave and try to be like, hey, I wasn't part of that Hitler thing. Right, I got it. He still isn't. Yeah, his grandparents said, you know, I don't know if it's me, but this guy's making a lot of sense.

So.

So because of the mistakes of his forefathers and mothers, the gods have cursed him that he just sort of smells a little musty and he tries showering, he does all this shit. He doesn't know what the fuck to do. So evidently this is this other musty guy, formerly musty guy. Heard about this. Okay.

Cleo
Does he look into his diet? Yeah, we talked about that in halitosis. And maybe you have a fucking sinus infection, I don't know what, but he just, like. He just smells bad. Yeah, no matter how much he showers.

Nia Renee Hill
So this guy says, yeah. And he wears deodorant. Yeah. It was quite. It's quite a mystery.

Cleo
Boy, I'll tell you. I'll tell you what. So this person's in response to this formerly musty person. So I hope this helps. The.

The sauerkraut. Oh, Jesus. Jeez. Yes. Yes.

Whoo. That is my best fucking pun ever. I'm sorry, but that shit was great. All right. That was pretty good.

Wow. That was pretty good. That was good. That was good. I'll give you that.

Nia Renee Hill
That was good. All right, I'm gonna. I'm gonna. He said, I'm gonna. And keep this simple.

Cause we all know of your reading issues. What I admittedly have. I've been a fan for years, but this is the first time I feel the need to chime in on something. Last week, you read a question from a german guy that had a musty body odor and did not know what to do about it. He said, growing up, I dealt with the same bullshit that poor SAP is going through.

I always smelled musty. I could not wash it away no matter how often I showered. This is brutal. I feel bad for these people. I tried everything and finally realized it was antiperspirant.

For some weird reason, my body reacted when I put it on and I smelled musty. I actually stopped wearing deodorant for a few weeks in the winter, so I did not smell like a complete savage. After that period of time, I began wearing deodorant, only skipping all brands with antiperspirant. Happily, the stinky, musty odor went away. Hope this works, you stinky fuck.

Love the podcast, your comedy. And f is for family, and go fuck yourself. Yeah. So, basically what I got from that is maybe his body is having a reaction to something that he is using. I don't know.

Cleo
Because your body should sweat. It's the way to keep you cool, right? That's the whole point of sweating. So, antiperspirant. I know maybe people who sweat excessively, they don't want to be sweating through their clothes or something, so I don't know, but it sounds like that person should go to a doctor.

Nia Renee Hill
Well, they haven't been able to figure out what's going on. And he's in Germany, too. And those guys don't fuck around over there. They're very efficient. Yeah.

Cleo
No, for sure. Oh, yeah. I mean, the cars, the trades, the rocket side trick, you know, everybody could just forgive him for that one crazy ten year period. They got a little sideways. They'll never.

Nia Renee Hill
They'll never live it down. No, you can't. Sorry. You know what? It's on video.

That's why, you know, other countries can do shit. And it happened before, like a certain something that happened in 1915 that we always see advertised my vote. Dear Bill on Capitol Hill, I don't. Know what you're talking about. Well, you should.

You know what? If there was movie cameras around, you would. Movie cameras? Yep. Motion picture things.

Have you ever heard of vermin supreme? He's been on. I don't, I don't believe that this is somebody's name. I'm going to look this up before you guys make a fool of me, which is not hard to do. Why don't you read it first?

Because then I start commenting and then halfway through I realize it's a prank phone call. Vermin supreme. It's coming up. Vermin supreme. Vermin supreme is an american performance artist and activist who has run as a candidate in various local states.

Okay, let me see what this. What's up with this guy? Okay, I never heard of this guy. He's been on the ballot in New Hampshire and his platform has a lot to do with dental health. He also has a plan in place for the zombie apocalypse, which involves setting up thousands of treadmills to put the zombies on to help power the new world.

He wears a giant boot on his head. Oh, I've seen this fucking guy. The boot. That's right. And carries around a rubber toothbrush.

Here's an article on him. He also has promised free ponies for everyone. Ooh, so he's a whack job. I don't know if he's a whack job because that's a really funny joke, though. The zombies on the treadmill.

Are you looking him up or you texting? I was looking at Madonna photos. Okay, we back here? Oh, we've. No, we've moved on.

Cleo
We've moved on. But I just was still looking at photos. I'm here. Papa don't preach. I'm in trouble.

Do you know Papa dope? Do you know any new Madonna songs?

Nia Renee Hill
I just said I'm sorry. I did my fucking. I did your vocal warm ups. Yeah. This was not a good look at the Met ball.

Cleo
It was just I. Yeah. Oh, ladies, can we stick together? First of all, just because a woman is criticizing another. I just got something.

Nia Renee Hill
I feel right. Yeah. Home. But no, it's not. I'm not being catty.

Cleo
She just, it's just so thirsty. It's just I don't. Mm mm. And I love Madonna, but this is just too much. Are you done?

Yeah, I'm done. It makes me sad. I'm sure her kids enjoy it. Wife's family is a bunch of dramatic babies. Oh, God.

You're the baby. Here we go. Hey, Bill. I'm sick of this election. I hope Trump wins.

Nia Renee Hill
I know he's a jerk, but I hate Hillary. And I think Bernie is a nice guy without a clue. He says a lot of great things, but he's going to raise taxes. He talks about making college free, but his taxes will make it hard. Nothing is free.

Cleo
Yeah, that's never gonna happen. But nothing, you know, free health care, it's not. It's not free. Somebody's got to fucking pay for it. He talks about making college free, but his taxes will make it harder for people like me to pay my student loans.

Nia Renee Hill
I make 95 grand a year. I have a kid, 100 grand in student loans. Between me and my wife, we live comfortably. But if you take another $2500 to $4,000 from me a year, I will feel it. Yeah, definitely.

I am already only netting 60. What is the fuck is all of this? Yeah, what's the point? The family is a bunch of dramatic babies. All right, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Okay, so we're getting to his family here somewhere. I'm not opposed to giving money to help people who need it, but when is enough enough? A trillion dollars on dumb shit every year, and you need more from me? Fuck off, Bernie. I love how he's blaming Bernie.

You know, Bernie didn't create the fucking situation.

He's trying to get us out of it, I guess. I don't know if it's going to work. I don't think. I mean, I don't know if people work with the guy, but, oh, God, what a fucking decision this year. So I make this point to my wife, my wife's family.

I didn't yell, I didn't say, fuck off, Bernie. I just said, I don't think we, the people should have to give more money if they're wasting the money they already get. Well, my wife's family lost their shit. They said that I'm selfish and that if I vote for Trump, I'm endorsing hate and greed and fascism. Really, question mark?

They endorsed Obama. And I have a problem with him hatefully blowing up kids and wedding parties with drones. Why doesn't that make them hateful? They then went on to talk about for 30 minutes about hate and how they were scared about what would happen to the country. And they're scared about how children will grow up in a country with, and I quote, Hitler minus the concentration camps.

I told them that comparing an egomaniac to Hitler is unfair to the victims of the Holocaust. It trivializes the actual evil of Hitler embodied. Her mother and father were both taken aback and said that my way of thinking could potentially be dangerous to their grandchildren. What period the fuck period is going. Period on, period.

Well, you dope. Yeah. You fucking opened up. I know. Fucking mouth about politics.

No, he isn't. He's young. He doesn't know. That's. Well, now you know.

Yeah. And how did you learn? How did you learn? And how did I learn? By bringing it up.

By doing that. Yeah. This is the deal. That's fair. Yeah.

Cleo
You know, you can't talk about politics and religion and shit like that. Those are, I'm going to say it got, it got really heated right before they said that shit. Well, you can't. And also, you just, you can't. I don't know.

You got to be. If you really are going to vote for Trump. I just, I think there's only certain sections of the United States where you could say that, where you'll get a. Yeah, I get it. Oh, well, tell me more about your opinion.

I feel like if you say, you know what? Fuck this, I'm voting for Trump, most people are going to be like, are you fucking kidding me? So, I'm not surprised at that. But no, I got a lot of shit. I made fun of him when, you know, I got some shit for it.

For making fun of Trump? Yeah. From who? People who support Trump. Oh, well, okay, fine.

Nia Renee Hill
Yeah. Believe it or not, there's people that support. I know he has a lot more than I thought. Remember when he was first talking about running and we were both like, this is never gonna happen. This is a joke.

Cleo
This is ridiculous. And now here we are, and he's like the only Republican left standing. So, I mean, I guess I underestimated him. Yeah, he's like the lesser city. He's like the Lester city of politicians.

Nia Renee Hill
But here's the thing, though. But I think, like, you know, Hillary Clinton is the fucking devil because she's acting like she gives a fuck. And she's, you know, she's one of those Bilderberg people. I don't like her. I like Bernie.

Out of all of them, I like Bernie Sanders. I just don't think anybody's gonna fucking work with. Well, the California primary is coming up, so he's not throwing in the towel. Bernie. Bernie.

Well, I have to, you know, we got to vote. I have to vote for a guy. I have to vote for a person that I feel is actually truly gives a shit about regular people, and that would be him, whether he's going to be successful or not. And I know what a lot of people say. You're going to put Trump in office.

I've always voted for the fucking third wheel, every fucking goddamn time. Well, when the primary happens, we gotta vote for him. That's the only way that he'll listen. I don't have to do anything that you say, okay? But I don't know what I'm gonna do.

Cleo
So basically, this guy's in law. You know, we just did, you know, we just did. We just did what this guy did, which is what we just fucking talked politics and gave endorsements to Bernie Sanders. We shouldn't have done that. I still haven't made up my mind that I'm gonna do that.

Why are we, we're giving endorsements just. By talking about it, by saying that you're gonna do it. Well, that's how I feel. Like that guy, that fuck, we're like those people that you see on Facebook and they go, hey, do you know me? I pretend to be a doctor on a soap opera, and I think this is who you should vote for.

Nia Renee Hill
I apologize for that, people. I tried not to say that we're endorsing anybody. We're, well, let's just leave it. I'll tell you what I'm endorsing. A nice fucking cold Budweiser.

When I sit down to watch game five, that's what I endorse. What does he want to know? He's just sort of like, what the hell? Now my, now my in laws don't want me to have children with my wife because they think I'm evil. And they're gonna, I'm gonna raise a little evil.

Cleo
Trump's. My thing about Trump is his fucking lack of compassion for fucking people. When you sit there and say, take his coat, like, riling people up, like, that was just, he says, he says. Really, really awful things. But the thing I like about him is he lets me know that they actually count the votes because no super rich people want that fucking guy.

Nia Renee Hill
And I always thought for years, my conspiracy theories, like, they don't count these fucking things. They just, oh, it's pretty fucking close. And they put the money on both horses and then they're fucking fine. But the fact that he's actually doing well, he's speaking to a lot of people out there, Nene. I he's gonna build a wall and he's gonna have the people he's walling in pay for it.

Telling you, he's talking mad shit. I don't know, I feel like I. All those years of watching the apprentice and the celebrity apprentice are now coming back to bite. When he tried to find a CEO for a company that doesn't exist, it's. All coming back to bite me in the ass.

Cleo
I've been supporting him this whole entire time. I'm partly to blame for this bullshit. So what is this kid. Look, he can't be a complete moral. What is this kid saying?

What is his point? He just is. No, he's just saying. What. What the fuck?

Nia Renee Hill
So I was. We just. Well, you will not talk about politics anymore around your in laws. Yeah. Tell you that much.

Then he said, looking forward to seeing you in Dublin. Myself and some friends will be coming from Belfast. Well, I'm going to be doing Belfast, too, so you don't even. Yeah, you don't even need to do that. Yeah, we're putting together the dates.

Like, I'm definitely doing Dublin. Definitely doing Belfast. Exciting. Yeah, I'm doing a little ten day tour over there. Cause it's not a good time to go to Scandinavia this time of year.

Cause they actually have sunlight and it's warm out. Okay. So. Yes, when I usually. Well, because they gonna want to be outside.

Cleo
Okay. Yeah. But, yeah, if you go in December and it's already fucking dark, they go. To movies and stuff. Still, though, I would imagine.

Just because it's sunlight most of the time doesn't mean they. All right. Why would I listen to the promoters over there? All right, all right. Sorry, sorry.

When is this happening? I'm gonna go. It's gonna be happening. Like, I think it's gonna start on the 31st and it's gonna go into August. Very excited about that.

Nia Renee Hill
Exciting things are happening. I love Ireland, you know. I love the people of Ireland. Hey, look who you're with. Old potato face himself here.

Advice with neighbors. Emotionally german, though, almighty Billy. I actually don't even know that because I have never done the whole. But you've always. You're always like, I'm more german than irish.

Because I am german. Irish Catholic podcaster. Doesn't get any wider. Doesn't get any dumber than that. It doesn't get any wider.

All right. Almighty Billy ball banger. All right, advice with neighbors. Question. I live in an apartment complex here in the lovely state of Oklahoma, and I have this neighbor who lets her dog out on her balcony.

Every morning, somewhere between the hours of four and 05:00 a.m. The dog barks aggressively for hours afterward. Of course it wakes me up, poor thing. The dog, that is. And this.

Cleo
What about this poor bastard or Lady Oklahomian. Oklahoman. Oklahomian?

Nia Renee Hill
I don't know. I don't know. Where am I? Oklahoma. Homosexual.

Cleo
No no. Isn't that one of the characters on your Nashville show? I want to write a song with you, will lexus, about us. The gay cowboy. The gay cowboys.

Nia Renee Hill
The gay cowboys. Cutting edge character. That's the first gay cowboy ever in primetime. In primetime? Yes.

In prime time. Yeah, during the lunch hour. It was just littered with them when I was growing up.

Those people on Captain Kangaroo, right? Ernie and Bert. Isn't that what they said? All those guys, right. All right, question.

I live in an apartment complex here in the lovely state of Oklahoma, okay? Yeah. The dog barks aggressively for hours. It wakes me up. And I have to go to.

I have to work at 08:00 a.m.. I filed complaints after an altercation in which I went out and screamed, shut your fucking dog up before I make you shut him up. Oh, was that your opening line or something? Along those lines. My must.

My message has not been heard by the apartment cunts. And she continues to let the dog out. What should I do? Sincerely, a blue collared working man. Just trying to get some fucking sleep.

Cleo
Who's your super? Also, St. Louis Blues gave the stars a fucking Molly whopping today. I hope you watched it. I missed that.

Nia Renee Hill
Well, fuck. You're in. You're in Oklahoma, man. You know what you need to do? Take out your side iron.

Cleo
Hey hey hey hey. Yeah, take the fucking dog out. It's the bill, bow. Don't even joke about it. Put it with rubber bullets.

Don't even joke about that. Who's your super? You put rubber bullets in the gun and every time the dog barks, talking about, every time the dog barks, you shoot it in its ass. Stop it. And it starts.

Nia Renee Hill
Oh, when I bark. And then it'll shut up. No, you can't do that. You would get arrested for that. So why then I would just go down, I would buy a month's worth of cube steaks.

All right? Why does it. Does a dog shit and piss on the balcony? Is that why she's letting it out there? Cuz that's gross.

I don't know, but that is so fucking not acceptable. Cuz, you know, it's probably the fucking dog gets up at it's keeping her up. Mm hmm. Or him up. So they.

Oh, my God. No, it's. You got it. You gotta call the landlord or something. Oh, wait, did he say that they're not paying attention at the.

Cleo
Like we say, it's not going over well with the people in the apartment. Well, he has a. She just has a neighbor. I can't. I don't think that.

Nia Renee Hill
Oh, it's an apartment complex. Yeah, you got to say something to the management company. Well, look, there's no fucking way he's the only person that's annoyed by this. Of course I would go around and I would get a bunch of signatures, and then I would, you know, try to have everybody all get together and say, that bitch needs to shut the other bitch up. Oh, Cleo.

Cleo
Oh, snookums. What's up, buddy? Yes. How are you? It's time for this one, probably to go out.

Speaking of all that. All right, well, you do that while I will wrap up the podcast here. No, you take her out. I took her twice a. I was at Jacksonville this morning.

Nia Renee Hill
That's my. It's my excuse. All right, well, that's gonna be the go lay down. Wait, so we didn't offer any advice besides your horrible joking advice of. I just said, you get a bunch of signatures, you can get.

Cleo
Not signatures. Not gonna do shit. You gotta go to the management company and be like, this dog is barking at four or five in the morning every morning. No, he said he already did that. Oh, and they're not paying attention.

Nia Renee Hill
He said he's in this fucking. What do you think signatures are gonna do? A technology like to hear, but no, that's not it. Oh, wait, I missed one. He said, I have this name.

I live in an apartment complex. The dog box. I. I filed complaints. Yeah, like, nothing's happening.

Cleo
Oh, that sucks. Well, so you have to do this thing. I'm not gonna pay my fucking rent. There you go. I'm not paying my rent until you get this woman to shut this damn dog up.

Yeah, cuz it's not fair. Yeah, how long she's lived there. That sounds like something an older person would do to just, like, put their dog out on the balcony and just let it bark all morning. Cause it probably goes out, takes a piss, takes a shit, and then wants to come inside. And meanwhile, the owner has gone back to sleep.

Nia Renee Hill
All right, well, obviously I was joking. You don't shoot at the dog. No, you don't. All right. That's right, Cleo.

Here's the other one. All right. Virtual reality headset. Blowjob.

I know you hate technology, but would like to hear your opinion on this. My girlfriend half jokingly promised me a double blowjob for my 30th birthday.

I do not expect this to happen, but I have been joking with her that the date is approaching and she should have a girl lined up, etcetera. I have also been talking about virtual reality VR headset as I'm thinking of getting one. I don't know what that is. Yeah, what is that? She asked me the other day would I be able to watch porn through it.

I said yes. She then said, instead of the double buy, why don't you wear the headset and I can give you normal. Oh, bye. While watching a porno. Wait, what do you say?

Cleo
What are you saying? Bye bye. Oh, BJ. Yeah. Oh, you know what?

Nia Renee Hill
It was underlined in red, so I couldn't see the bonaparte. I was like, what is this? Bye.

Oh, my God. Your reading skills are atrocious. Yeah. And by would actually mean that there would be a guy and a girl doing it, I wasn't even. I was thinking about, like, his girlfriend would be like, bi because she was down there with another chick.

I am stupid. See this, people? You too could be successful in life. You're as dumb as me. She.

Then she. Then instead. Instead of a double BJ. Let me read this again. Wow.

Why don't you wear a headset and I can give you a normal BJ while watching a porno? Why can't you do that now with a tv? Crazy. Because I feel like when they. That's some, like, weird tron futuristic shit where you put it on.

Is this opening pandora's box, or is this a way for VR to be seen as a techie sex toy? You are really asking the wrong person that question. You know, Bill doesn't know what to do. Looking forward to see you in Dublin. Myself and some friends will be coming from belf.

Oh, this is the one. Okay. Is this the same? No, I read the ending to the other one, to that one. And it was weird because the ending was in front of the other one.

Oh, fuck you and fuck everybody else. Yeah. Yeah. Big. It's all funny.

It's all fun and games until I stop podcasting. Huh? Oh, I've had enough of this sensitive bb. Nah, I'm not. I don't care.

Cleo
It is a slippery slope, but I feel like that could be really kind of cool. Does she get to do it too? Like, does she get to watch some porn while you, like, go down on her. That would be really trippy. It would be trippy.

Nia Renee Hill
But the thing is then. Then what ends up happening is then you end up getting, like, that disconnect. Right. And now you don't want to do anything unless one of you is wearing the helmet. Yeah.

Then it's weird. Oh, my God. I have to, like, see you. So that's like a. It's a dangerous.

Yeah, yeah, that's like one of those things. Like, do you think I could do heroin once and, like, be all right with that? No, I saw something trying to think where I saw it. Saw what? In one of those asian countries, because they're always ahead of us.

They have better cell phones. There was a guy trying out, like, a virtual reality sex suit, which I had a bit on this thing in, like, the late nineties when I first heard that they were gonna do that. And by the way, the fact that you haven't already called me out going like, well, bill, how did you just stumble upon this? I'm dead honest. What?

I don't remember. I was waiting for the rest of the story because I felt like there was. It could have been while I was watching Internet porn, probably. Yeah, but they don't have advertising advertisements for that. It was like a story on the.

Cleo
Side of the thing. They have all those. And how do you know that? Yeah, right back at you. Moving right along.

Bill Burr
So. Yeah, but they don't have. I don't have ads like that. Right. That's true.

Nia Renee Hill
Well, this is what, what it was. It looked like a fucking dude. What? He was like, in like, a mummy suit. It was hilarious.

Look, he was all wrapped up in toilet paper. That's how I remember it, because it was so horrifying. It was just. It was one of those things. Whatever.

I was looking at that then came up and I went, ah, right. He was. And it looked like his hands were to his side. He had on the fucking, you know, I'm old and I can't see anymore. Those glasses, those cataract glasses.

Cataract glasses from the drugstore. Yeah. So he had on those. He. I think he was all wrapped up because he didn't want anybody to see who he was.

Yeah, maybe that's what it was. Okay. And then there was this thing. Obviously, his dick was in it. Oh, my God.

And it just the same way. Your hand would be going like, bang, bang, bang, bang against yourself. It was this thing. It was the most fucked up thing ever. Would you ever use one of those flesh bought things?

Cleo
You know how porn stars, they get. Molds are so fucking gross. I think those things are so fucking. A long time ago, I did somebody's podcast. I'm not going to say who, but people who listen to podcasts know who is.

Nia Renee Hill
He had one of those things, and it looked like some Jeffrey Dahmer body part. I think I know automatically who you're talking just sitting. I don't think you do, because I know who you're gonna guess. But it wasn't that person. It looked.

No, it just looked like. And it. Did he say that it. Did it feel like a real. It can't feel like a real vagina, obviously, but, like, it's just.

It's. I can't believe that it does, like, shit like that doesn't cause you to either be, like, become, like, a necrophiliac or some sort of percolate necrophiliac. Why would it make you be a necrophiliac? Because you're fucking something that looks. Looks like a body part and it's not alive.

Cleo
Well, like, women have, like, dildos and vibrators and stuff, and it's like the same sensation. So why wouldn't one of those flesh bought things feel like. Isn't that kind of the. Is this, like, another Madonna iggy pop thing? No, I'm looking at it the wrong way, May.

No, I don't think. No, I don't think you're looking at it. I remember Nia back in the day. I just think you don't like the idea of a fake vagina. You don't.

Nia Renee Hill
You're not comfortable just sitting on a table, and it has a handle on it, and I'm holding it. No, just think that's not your thing. You're not into that. That feels like Henry portrait of a serial killer. I remember back in the day, right, when you actually had to go to a porno store to get your porn, and they had, like, you know, I was always behind the counter, and they would have shit up there.

They had this. It was like, what's in the box? It was literally a head in a box. And the chick's mouth was like. Like, you just stick your dick in it.

And I'm like, somebody's gonna buy that. Yeah, it was in, like, the same box. Like a basketball came in, and someone's gonna take it and grab it by its fucking ears that are stuck to the side of its head and they're just gonna go home and fuck ahead. Yeah, just ahead. Now, there's no fucking way that that doesn't fuck you up psychologically.

If you do that long enough, then you go out with a real person. It's already annoying that they have to buy at dinner and that there's a whole body attached to it and you. Have to talk to it. Yeah. And then all they're thinking of just.

Bill Burr
Grabbing you by your ears. Water. It's over. Yeah. It's fucked up.

Cleo
Well, I still feel like, well, going back to the question, I feel like they can experiment with it, like, once or twice, but it can't be, like, a regular thing that they're doing all the time, because then, yeah, that'll completely fuck up your sex life. Because then you'll just be looking at everything you do. Like, it's supposed to be this hyper reality, dual reality, virtual. It's just not good. You know, I was just thinking, let's just fast forward here.

Nia Renee Hill
Okay. Now, so that becomes the thing, right? Which, you know, it's gonna. People are gonna do it, and then what it's gonna become is porn stars will be making all of that fucking money. Mm hmm.

And it basically, you have a girl fucking now that probably just be, like, the whole suit. It's eventually just gonna be the whole suit. Right? What are you talking about? Like, I'm talking about, like, in the future, like, when, like, everybody has, like, a virtual reality sex suit.

This will actually help the population problem, right? The virtual reality sex suit. Mm hmm. Okay. And then porn stars will then have their likeness.

They'll do a pov porn, and then they get money, and then you have to, like, subscribe to them. So you can do you, like, you can do a virtual reality thing where you. With any porn star with, like, also a kid. And then here. And then here's what happens.

Cleo
Yeah. Okay. Who's gonna be the first celebrity that crosses over? And eventually, right? Because they're sick of doing superhero movies and they don't want to do the grunt work of an independent cause.

Nia Renee Hill
Like, you notice now they're all doing ads over here. Back in the day, all the celebrities did ads, but they did them overseas, right? Remember we used to go over and we go look at so and so doing a fucking watch thing or look at her doing this thing, but they'd never do them here because there was that whole stigma that if you did a commercial, you're a sellout, blah, blah, whatever the fuck it was. Or it's like you're doing a commercial, you're a movie star. Movie stars not even on tv.

Forget about doing an ad now that all went away, you know? So I'm saying eventually somebody famous would do it. Right. You could. Yeah.

Cleo
Get a suit and program it so that you're having sex with, like, Lindsay Lohan or someone. Right. And the person. The first. And the first level will go down.

Nia Renee Hill
I'll be like one of those reality tv show stars. Right. You know, when the reality show goes off the air, like, Jersey Shore, they were all fucking huge. Now it's just disappeared. Where the fuck are they?

Cleo
Mm hmm. Right. You could probably talk a couple of them into doing it. Right. We pitch in a show right now.

I think, or some kind of, like, high tech concept where that would probably make a lot of money. That's gonna end up happening. It sounds like a movie. It sounds like. Like what was.

Nia Renee Hill
And this is what's gonna happen. You're gonna have these self driving fucking cars. You're gonna have self driving fucking cars. And people will be laying in them in virtual reality suits having sex with any famous person they want to. Right.

And they'll have, like. Because you don't need a steering wheel or gas or brake or anything anymore. You literally have, like, your suit in there. And then when you're done, you roll over from that seat into, like, another, like a. Like a freshen up, like, tub or some shit, we're told.

Cleo
I think we're totally going in that direction. I think you're right. We'll see it in the next generation. Before, it was just. Yeah, the flesh bot stuff where just the mold of the vagina or the dick or whatever.

And then it's gonna be this virtual. It'll be super expensive at first. It's gonna go into a complete. It's gonna be like when flat screen tvs first came out and they're 14 grand. So don't buy the first virtual reality sex suits.

Virtual. Wait till they come down to, like, $800 at Best Buy. Then you get them. Right? Should we figure out how to, like, make this technology and just, like, patent it?

And that's how we'll make our. Make our. Yeah, nia, we're gonna figure out how to do that. I can't even read copy. But not what we're calling it.

Nia Renee Hill
That. Like, that's what's gonna happen. I'm already selling right now with these self driving cars. Like, the interiors of cars, what they're gonna have now, they're gonna have office ones. They're gonna have sleeper ones.

People just want to sleep, going to work. They're gonna have ones to catch up on your emails and all of that type of shit. Yeah. The different. You can.

Those that'll be, like, the different. The social one, the social and office one, all of that type all. I don't know. And then eventually it's gonna be like, well, why even go to work now? Because everything's automated.

And then there's robots, right? And then one day, the whole fucking thing just turns on us. What if there was a company, like, in some place really random? Not really random. Like a Japan.

By the way, neither one of us is high right now. No, not at all. Completely that high. The middle of the day. Never been more sober.

Cleo
What if there was a company somewhere in, like, I don't know, not Japan, but, like, Eastern Europe? That said, we want to do this deal with you where we have these, like, sex dolls with your face on them, and they offered you, like, what? Me? Yeah. An insane amount of money.

Nia Renee Hill
No. No. To do it. No. And you can buy a bill Burr sex doll.

Do you realize the photoshops I'm gonna get? And I'm gonna have to retweet now, you asshole. Oh, you're right. Shit. Oh, they're gonna be horrifying.

Cleo
But hilarious. Like a Bill Burr sex would you do? Yeah, they come out of, like, somewhere random, like, you know, Norway or just something. Or, like, you know, one of those. Place random, like Norway.

Nia Renee Hill
I love Norway. That's not random enough. Like, you know, Turks, Mixtan, or one of those fucking places. I'm not even saying it right, but just a random little pocket that was just like, you know, we have $5 million and we want to make sex with your face. No, you wouldn't.

Cleo
Go for it. Can you imagine that phone call out of nowhere? No, no, I wouldn't. I would know. I can honestly tell you that I wouldn't.

No, I know you wouldn't. Well, yeah, I would think so. How the fuck did we get all the way over here? See this? Why I love the questions.

Nia Renee Hill
Great questions. Because. Oh, because of the person in their virtual blowjob when they're bi, according to you. Hey, I never claimed to be smart since the beginning of these podcasts. I don't know.

I don't claim to be smart. And with that, go fuck yourselves.

Sorry the podcast was so late. I was flying back from Jacksonville, as I mentioned, several times. Several times I complained about it. And I'll be checking in on you on Thursday. I'll see you go blues.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-9-24

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2: Sports Talk

3: Aging and Life

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