Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-30-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. I'm not yelling at this week. I don't feel like fucking yelling it.

I don't want to do that shit anyway. I was on the phone this morning. I had a little radio tour. Well, first of all, how is your week going? Is it going good?

Are you staying informed? Are you tapping out like me? Are you gonna do a half hour podcast and then go buy a newspaper and sit in a coffee shop and read the metro region?

You know, I saw this thing the other day with this actor, a beloved actor, went to Massachusetts or some shit. I don't know what he did. And he just said a bunch of shit about trans people and all of that. And he said a lot of fucked up shit. But one of the things that he said that he was right.

He hit the nail on the head on was the fact that they're not teaching civics class in our public schools anymore. He said, it's gonna cause us all to die. I think he means democracy to die. I agreed on that point. It was, you know, his other stuff, you know, I mean, listen, I wasn't there defense of the guy, but, you know, some of the other stuff, you know, he definitely.

He got a little wild there. Did I dump water on this? How the fuck did I do that? I don't even remember doing that. Fucking dumped water on my cell phone case.

How the fuck did I do that? Well, I have a glass of water next to it.

Anyway, so speaking of that, Boston Celtics sitting around waiting for the Dallas Mavericks to see if they can close out the Minnesota Timberwolves, or will they be the first one in NBA history to come back from fucking zero three?

All they got to do. All they got to do is win the next one, and then all of a sudden, pressure is still on them. But they win this next one, then it's like, holy shit, they could tie it up and then they go back. Cause essentially, guys, right now, it's just, you know, it's a three game series.

I'm not, oh, you know something? I'm going to extend an olive branch to the people that that. That buy into the fact that you can steal home court advantage if you start counting after the series started. I'll tell you when it was. I will actually say it was fucked up is back in the day when they used to do a seven game series, and it was two three two.

That was fucked up. And I felt the visitor had the psychological advantage. Forget home court. Home court doesn't fucking mean anything. I hate to tell all you idiots with your thunder sticks and your painted faces, it doesn't fucking matter.

It doesn't. They're professionals. You're not the first hostile crowd they played in front of. They don't give a fuck. But anyways, what I would say is the two three two.

The psychological advantage was with the team with the lesser record. Cause all they spent a weekend, you know, and then there's a whole week in this city and then another weekend. It's like they had just had an easier, an easier schedule, you know? They're home. I think I talked about this last podcast.

I can't remember. So I'll give you that one. That one was fucked up. But at no point did I feel that the visitors stole home court advantage. Maybe that's what it is.

I don't believe in home court advantage. I just don't.

There might be a few exceptions, but even then, I just think if you have a young, inexperienced team, maybe that hostile crowd would fuck with them if they moved up from college to the pros. But like I would say, any football player that competed in the SEC, they go to the NFL. It's literally a smaller crowd. They used to performing in front of over 100,000 people. And then they go to the NFL and it's like 60.

So I don't know. How loud can you be? Whatever. Bill, can. Can you move on for this?

I don't think I can. I'm trying to, though.

So anyway, I did. I did a radio tour this morning promoting shows that I have coming up in Berkeley, California, Denver, Colorado. And as I get ready to do the special, you know, I went out last night. I fucking did my spots, as you can tell. Did my spots.

And then my son woke me up at 530 in the morning. Dad? Dad, I hungie. Did you come get me? It's too early, buddy.

It's too early. Okay. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. Pitter patter, dunk down, feet down the hallway. Six minutes later.

Hello.

It's like room service, you know, you're like, oh, can you come back later? Just imagine if they came back every three to six minutes. He did that to me for like, the better part of an hour and a half this morning.

So anyway, yeah, and I had gone out the night before and tried out some new shit. Cause I'm always doing the new shit, so I don't get too sick of the old shit. And I'm having a great time. I feel like I'm doing the work that I need to do, and I'm gonna be ready for this thing, and I'm so fucking excited about it. I'm excited to do it, and then excited to also be on the other side of it and dump this hour and start writing something new, which I feel like I'm already doing.

I just have b's, like, topical shit. Like, shit on, like, puff. Puff daddy, P. Diddy, whatever the fuck you're supposed to call him anyway. How the fuck did that guy only get 50 grand for that tape?

That just blows my mind. He paid $50,000. It's like you have footage of, like, almost a billionaire beating the crap out of his wife in a hotel. He's got half a million on his wrist, another 250 around his neck. You got 50 grand?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I wonder what he started at. Do you think he negotiated, give me 100 grand for the tape. I'll give you 50. I'll end your career.

I'll write 100.

Um. I don't know. Maybe his bodyguards intimidated the guy. I have no f. But he still got 50 grand.

They intimidated him. I don't know. And then why wouldn't you get rid of it? That's, like, serial killer shit anyway. But that will add to the whole, you know, people talking about how bad people are in Hollywood, completely ignoring the ones in their own fucking neighborhood, or the fact that those people lived in their state before they came to Hollywood, and whatever made them that fucked up happened in your state.

I just. I love how that works. So, anyway, I did this radio tour this morning, and I did a sports talk radio show, and I'm already getting asked the Kyrie Irving stories. I'm telling you, you watch what they do with this thing, and this is like, what CNN does with Trump, is they're gonna go in, and they're gonna fucking hype this guy up and then talk about what an awful time he had in Boston, and they're gonna show the busing footage, Charles Stewart, and all of that shit. They're gonna completely ignore that the guy had problems everywhere he went.

They're also gonna completely ignore that there's racism everywhere. They're also gonna completely ignore some of the questionable shit that he said himself. And they're just going to set that up, and they're going to hype it up so much that Kyrie Irving is going to get booed because of the. Everybody's going to be watching all of these stories, and they're going to be like, hyping that up, and they're going to boo him, and then they'll be like, see? You see?

And it's like, dude, you stoked the fires of this. I have to be honest with you. I barely remember that guy on our team. It was that fucking long ago, and he was only with us for what, a year and a half, two years? He was barely.

He was barely with us. And then I remember when he came back, he burned the sage or whatever, like, you know, he was making peace with us. And I was like, all right, let's go. Whatever. He's in Brooklyn.

Who gives a fuck? Moving on. They're going to fucking dig that up. That's what kills me. They're going to dig that up.

And then Houston Astros, their first championship was complicated. Let's move past that and plow forward. So I won't be watching any of that shit.

I've never defended Boston for their racial thoughts, but it's also, I'm one of the few people that has been to all 50 states. All right? That's one of the cool things about being a comedian. So you get to, you actually, you get to listen to what they say on the news, and then you get to go out there and kind of bring it back a little more to the middle. There's a bunch of fucking places that all they talk about is the beautiful scenery and the great skiing, and they do not at all talk about the fucking.

The Klan membership in that state.

So I know a guy a long time ago, I was working with this comic when I was in St. Louis, black comedian. He was doing a gig in Idaho, and he called up the comedy club, asking if he could get an escort over to the comedy club because they were having a Klan rally downtown, and he didn't want to walk by it as a black person. And then they were just saying, those guys, you know, they're just making noise, which is classic human behavior. You know, it's not a danger to me.

So, you know, the universe is in between my head, so it shouldn't be a danger to you. And then also, I don't want spend any time, money, or effort to get you the fuck over here.

But anyway, if Kyrie Irving was going to Boise, Idaho, to play in the fucking final or whatever, if they had a team out there that would be just like, you know, they just show in the mountains and the prairies, and it's God's country out here. You know, folks out here, you know, they like to stay to themselves. They're into nature. They're baking their own path. They have southern accents for whatever reason.

Always with the southern accent, Bill.

I gotta. I gotta let you guys know. A good friend of mine, Bobby Cannavale, the fucking.

The comedy juggernaut of the movie, old Dads, has a new movie out with Robert De Niro called Ezra that is coming out on this Friday, tomorrow. So if you get a chance, go out there and go support that movie. I went to the premiere. It's a fantastic movie. And there's a beautiful, beautiful green Cadillac Eldorado in it.

And then a great, I would say about 83, 84, 80 station wagon. I don't know why the fuck I'm into that shit. I saw something on instagram the other day. This guy had a fucking four wheel motorcycle. That makes any sense?

Four wheels. So it's like a one person golf cart with no roof, but it was hauling s. And I don't understand the purpose of. It's basically a four wheeler. What am I talking about?

But it was on the street, and it sounded like a motorcycle. And it was fast like that. I don't know. It just looked like something you get really fucked up on just because it's new. Although the tires were fucking ridiculously fat.

It looked like, you know. Do you know, is there anything worse than when somebody buys the. You know, when they still made the Dodge Challenger? I think they discontinued it. But when they bought the Dodge Challenger and they had those baloney skin tires on it, it looked like it had like four spare tires on it.

And then, like, the way that car looked when you actually got the decent rims and the proper size tire on the thing, it was like night and day.

It would look. You know, it looked like you had a six cylinder and you were a babysitter. If you had the wrong tires and rims. But then you put the big ones on there, and then it looked like you were in, you know, vanishing point, the new one. Um.

So what did I do to my fucking phone now?

I don't know. You know something? I actually saw this thing from George St. Pierre that's really been helping me with my. With my temper.

He was just talking about road rage, and I'm trying to apply it in other areas of my life, which is when, you know, when you start to lose it, instead of giving into that, you take a big inhale and then you take a big exhale. And this is the craziest thing after that, then you smile. And I was like, do you just smile? You make yourself smile. That just sounded insane to me.

And then I tried it, and it works because you're smiling as your brain is, like, angry. And then it just. How it works for me is it makes me feel. It makes me laugh at the fact that I was mad. It makes me feel stupid.

Like, why would I get mad? What problems do I have? This is dumb. Okay? So it's been really working with, like, let's just.

We'll put my anger into, like, hockey terms here, all right? I got my two minute, you know, minors. I got five minute major and then a ten minute misconduct. So that really seems to be working, especially with the two minute minors. Like, it stops almost before it even starts.

Five minute major is a little bit harder, but the ten minute major, there's nothing that stops that. That. I have found this. You know, my wife's talked to me about it. My kids have talked to me about it.

Like, it cost me money, you know, I'll be in the car, and, like, when I just see people doing bonehead things in their cars, it's just. It just. I'm sitting at a red light. There's someone at the red light, and then there's some. And I want to make a right, and there's someone right behind the person at the red light who also wants to make a right.

And there's enough room for them to do it. And they just sit there, and I sit there and I sit there. And then I'm just. I'm just like, how do you not drive your own fucking car? Then my daughter will be like, dad, you owe me $5.

They'll be like, all right, how much is that now? She's like, you're back up to 20. So. But it's been working on, like, those. Those other ones.

I'm gonna try it on my wife. When we start to get into a fight, it'll freak her out. She says something to me, I'll have a big inhale and do an exhale, and then smile like a fucking lunatic.

Oh, here's one for you. Here's something I wanted to talk about.

I started to watch that movie American Gigolo, and I got too busy, and it timed out. I rented it off of YouTube, right? So American Gigolo, when that movie came out starring Richard Gere, you know, it was a controversy or whatever. This male fucking prostitute or whatever. I don't know.

I remember I was really young when it came out. I was, like, 1112 years old. And back when you could be an eleven and twelve year old, you know, you hadn't already consumed 1000 hours of fucking porn like most of these poor kids. So I was old school, eleven and twelve. So I remember there was like a bit of a controversy, but I didn't remember what it was about.

Some of that movie came up and I go, is that a good movie? And, you know, this buddy of mine knows I'm a car guy. Oh, dude, there's this killer fucking scene of Richard Gere driving like a mercedes 450 SL or whatever out to Palm Desert. And I love seeing, like, you know, old footage of Los Angeles, which, by the way, the Rockford files is amazing for that. That original pilot, which was a two part movie and that did so well, that turned into the series.

They had like, this incredible shot of. Was it Gazari's big music place venue where all these bands that I loved in the eighties used to perform at? But anyway, I go to watch this movie, and in watching this movie, I found this very obscure movie trope from back in the day. Any movie in the sixties, seventies and into, like, the early eighties, if there's a scene and there's a pool, all right, and there's some sort of opulence rich upper crust thing going on, be it a hotel or like some sort of great Gatsby style house, the scene will start. There's always somebody on the diving board and they're like, action.

And then the person on the dive, like the lead, walks into the pool area and somebody on the diving board executes like an Olympic level fucking dive. And nobody addresses it, right? Like Richard Gere in the beginning of that movie. He goes to the Beverly Hotel. He parks, goes around the back, and he goes, it's nighttime out.

The pool's all lit up. Start of the scene. Action. There's a guy on the diving board. He has his back to the fucking pool, all right?

He fucking jumps up in the air. He folds in half like a jackknife. He touches his toes, unfolds and goes into the pool. Zero fucking splash. And nobody reacts to it.

Like, if you saw that, if you're like a fucking Holiday Inn and somebody did that, you'd be like, dude, you fucking see that guy? Was that Greg Lugan is dude, did you die for the United States? Like, what the fuck was that? And then conversely, if that was a regular person and they tried to do that fucking dive, Richard Gere would have been soaked and they would have had to fish the guy out. So just notice that if you like me and you like watching old movies because you like.

I don't know. I just like all the cars and shit looking at, you know, old cities, you know, new cities, what they look like back then. And notice that there's always somebody. And it's like, I don't know. I was thinking that would be a funny thing to do in a movie, but no one would get it, but just do it for yourself.

Like, you have that scene and the main character is going to walk by a pool and instead of having some in great shape, get man or woman, do some sort of swan dive or whatever the fuck it was into the pool. Instead you have some fat fuck salesman on there, and what he does is he jumps. You got to get somebody like Chris Farley, rest his soul. That was like light on his feet. So the beginning of the dive, it looks like he's going to execute it.

Then he just starts flailing his arms and does, like an epic, like, fucking body, like, belly flop and soaks the lead. He gets all wet. And it's not address. You do that in. No, you can't have the lead get wet because then he would have to address it.

You just have that going on in the background in a drama.

That's probably a dumb idea, right? Completely still focused. But it would be fun when you did the press junkets. Yeah, just, you know, one question. What was with the dive in that?

Ah, you know, I was just making fun of something that I noticed in older movies that I thought was funny. I thought it was about time we put a fat fuck on the diving board that tries to do a swan dive, and he lands on his man tits and then screams in pain, and the lifeguard has to throw him a rope as our main character passes through the pool area, you know, just creating atmosphere. All right, we don't have any reads this week, people. We don't have any reads. And I'm sitting here in an empty house right now.

I can't believe it. This never happens. My kids are at school. My wife is working. She got a gig.

The little hustler there, always killing it. And I don't know what I'm gonna do. All Billy hobbies. I have three things that I could do. I could slide into a depression, but I always, I always keep that at bay with a million hobbies.

I could have a cup of coffee and read the newspaper like an old man. Hey, hey. That's what I'm talking about. I'll tell you, that tickles my fancy. I don't know when I became, you know, I don't even think I'm that old.

I just think everything that I like is. Is from a long time ago, meaning my childhood magazine stance. Just going away. Going away. I used to fucking love going to those.

You had the porn section, the gun section, the cars, the music section, all the mainstream who is the fashion fucking things.

Those things were as thick as a Sunday paper, too.

You know, it's funny, they're finding out with all, like, perfumes and fragrances and scented candles, like, they don't have to say what's in them because that's considered to be their secret recipe. And they're finding they're just putting all these carcinogens in there. And I'm thinking, I wonder how many women that, like, read Cosmo every week ended up getting cancer from smelling that fucking magazine.

I mean, that's got to be the dumbest way ever to get cancer, right? You don't smoke. You take care of yourselves. You have half an avocado to get the right kind of fucking cholesterol, but blah, blah, blah. And just this.

Your. What you're smelling is just fucking drowned in cancerous chemicals. They were mainly talking about scented candles, but they were just, all of a sudden they're going after fragrances.

That's going to be wild, though, huh? It really is amazing. Like, what you have to do to a human being. Like, you have to make them not smell bad. You gotta put, like, aluminum and deodorant.

You gotta put, like, chemicals and shit like that. Like, we really are fucking animals, huh? Um, febreze, how'd you get cancer? I smoked fucking a camel unfiltered for 20 years. How did you get it?

Febreze and Cosmo.

This is the part of the podcast where it's good that this is on the Internet, because none of this I can prove, and I'm just throwing out these fucking company's names.

All right, well, Florida Panthers tied it up in overtime, like, you knew they would. Like, you knew they would. I'm always watching. I always watch the eastern side. Like, I never watch the west in hockey or basketball.

I just fucking. I don't watch it. So I've been paying attention to that. That's a tough one for me because I love the Rangers, but I hate New York fans for the most part. They're fucking morons.

Now, you know what? I can't say that New York fans are not morons. I just hate the.

I would say the ESPN Connecticut New York sports team bias. I guess that that's what bugs me.

Yeah, I would say they're sports media. I always said the funniest thing ever when I was in New York and on the front page of the post, they were talking about the Patriots being cheaters. And on the back page they were celebrating a Rod's 600th home run.

And I'm like, yeah, yeah, that tracks. In the world of sports, you know, your team cheats, my team doesn't. All right, keep telling yourself that.

That was funny. You know, I saw this great video of this player. I forget who it was who played with the patriots, right? And he said how he hated Tom Brady and all of that shit. And then when he went there, he got traded to him or whatever, signed with him.

He said, tom was the first guy that came up to him, and he said, I wanted to hate the guy, but I couldn't, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then, so it was all about his hatred of Tom Brady, and then he ends up being a cool guy, and then the guy in the press goes, you know, were they cheating? And he goes, hell, yeah, they were cheating. And then that was it. It wasn't.

Well, what about the other teams you played on? Were they also cheating? It's just like, no, it doesn't count.

The saints had a bounty. They were trying to end people's seasons of their career. Come on, it's New Orleans. They're underwater. Give them a break.

They're not winning anything. Crowd noise. Don't fucking worry. It's just, I don't know, the only thing I can really just try to make sense of it is it's the.

I think it's really biased towards New York. That's where all those great stations and everything were and everything. You know, it's the biggest fucking city and all that. And that's where everything comes out of. It doesn't really even do it in LA.

I don't think, like, you know, a lot of the biggest sports shows and all that are in New York, and that's just, I guess, the nature of the beast. I don't get it. I don't get it. So anyway, you know what? I think I'm gonna cut the podcast off right there, you know, because if I did a read, that would have been 30 minutes, right?

I mean, it's 2736-2738 look at this. All right, so, you know what's weird about the NBA is, like, if the Mavericks swept the, the Timberwolves, you'd still have to wait. Like, I don't know how, like a fucking week for game one. So I don't know if that's because they've rented the venues out so much with music acts, I have no idea. Or they're just like, no, our season is going to be this long, whether you like it or not.

So whatever. I hope the Timberwolves went just more basketball. I don't know. It's kind of a weird thing. I also want whoever we played also be coming off of a long break because I don't want us to get too rusty.

But it is good that Przingas can get back healthy. I don't know. We will see. We'll see. I don't know.

It is funny, though, people saying, you think the Celtics are going to choke again? I always go, and who is your team gonna choke again? We have 17 fucking championships. What are you talking about? We won one in 2000, 816 years ago.

There's 30 teams. We're not behind any sort of thing here. I don't know if you've noticed, but, like, there was some juggernaut pile on teams that won, like, you know, just the heat and the fucking warriors alone and the Lakers. I mean, that. Those pile on fucking teams.

I mean, that's like two, three, two, fuck, I don't know, seven championships right there.

I mean, when Durant went to fucking. Went to Golden State, that was it. That was. It was fucking over. For two years.

It was just fucking over. No one was winning. Shit. I don't know. It's a weird league.

I still can't quite get into the NBA, but I'm obviously going to pull hard for the Celtics. But I find myself, even when Celtics games are on, clicking over to watch Panthers versus Rangers. But that's normal because everybody in sports, you know, you watch football, maybe you're into baseball, but when it comes to basketball and hockey, you got it. You got to make the Sophie's choice there. Anyway.

All right, that's the podcast, everybody.

Oh, Billy. Fucking. I don't know. I don't even know what. What kind of day I have.

It's not a cheat day. Oh, fucking lonely, lonely, lonely ginger. All right, that is the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts. Enjoy the music that Andrew Themelis picked out.

And we will have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast from here.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 30, 2016. How are you? How's it going?

How are you? Oh, look at you. What are you doing for Memorial Day? Yeah, yeah. You fill up the above ground pool.

Oh, God bless you. God bless you. I'll be over with a couple of millers. You know what? I've been drinking late.

Stacy, Stacy. Stacey, Stacey. Yeah, over here. You know what I've been drinking lately? I don't know why I started drinking.

The coarse light again. Remember them silver bullets? Fucking prom night.

How many did you get in your cliff? Oh, Jesus Christ. Happy Memorial Day, everybody. Thank you to everybody in the military for doing what it is that you do so that morons like me can run their fucking yaps and not have a black van pull up and take me away to get reeducated.

That's it. Happy day off on a Monday. They should have one of these a fucking month. You know? They should have one three day weekend a month.

If. If Donald Trump or Bernie Sanders would get on board with that. The two candidates that the people want. The people want to vote for either one of them, too. And they're gonna ram ol Hillary right down your fucking old cuckoo clock, face herself right down your fucking throats.

That's what they're gonna do. I watched this clip on Facebook, so, you know, it had to be true, where Chris Matthews, right, was basically just mind fucking everybody saying that Hillary was going to win it and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Just saying when she wins it and all that type of shit, and she wasn't doing like a. He wasn't doing like a dude, I called it type of thing. He's just doing that like the rich.

The rich liberals, you know, those ones, you know, the ones who act like they care about anybody else, they actually. They're worse than rich Republicans because Republicans don't act like they give a fuck about other people. Rich liberals, oh, they're the fucking worst bleeding heart, you know, caring about everybody in their fucking gated communities. Oh, Jesus, Bill, what the fuck did you have for breakfast? What did I have for breakfast?

I had two eggs over easy. Two eggs over easy. And I always buy these eggs from this fucking Lily's farm because it sounds like it's some chick down the street who just has a hen house and she's making them from my neighborhood, but God knows, you know, it's some giant corporation. And I don't know what the fuck they're doing with these eggs. They have the thinnest slash hardest eggshells ever.

So if you tap real lightly, boop, boop, boop, in the bottom of the fucking pan, they will not break. And if you get then this. This one fucking sweet spot that you hit the. You hit the fucking eggshell that will actually crack and it won't break the yolk all right? I don't know if you guys know about this, know this about me, but I do not break egg yolks, okay?

And I'm also superstitious when it comes to breaking egg yolks. I feel like if you break the fucking yolk, that means your day is gonna be a shit show, right? It's a metaphor. You had a plan and the whole thing went to shit. And then you gotta scramble it up, right?

That's how I look at it. So not only did I, I broke one, the other one was okay, but then I was just so fucking frustrated. Because you want them runny. Cause then you still have the nutrition in there, right? All these people that have it.

Over hard? Yeah, over hard, like your fucking arteries, right? So I go to flip the thing, and I'm so fucking frustrated that it's gonna turn into basically a fried egg sandwich. I got mad and I go to flip the other one. I broke that one too.

And I just was in my kitchen by myself going, yeah, there you go. Fuck the whole thing, right? Yeah, fuck the whole thing then nene downstairs. Are you all right? Yeah, fine.

What are you doing? Ah, just making some eggs, honey. Doesn't sound like it. Oh, God, here comes the interrogation, right? Here comes the fucking interrogation.

Like Norbert Leo Butz's wife on bloodline. Oh, my God, that character is driving me up the fucking wall. Not saying the actress, she's phenomenal, but that whole dynamic, it's like, can you just shut up? Can you leave the man alone? Is anybody watching bloodline?

I'm not gonna ruin any of this shit, but you gotta fucking watch it. You gotta watch it. I'm like, I'm already five episodes into season two. It just came out, you know, I had a nice three day weekend, so. Billy fucking red cakes here.

I've been fucking Netflix the whole weekend. I started off the weekend. I watched the do over, Adam Sandler's new movie with David Spade. It was fucking great. I always loved Sandler's fucking movies, and I love Spade's character.

It's hard to talk about a movie without saying what the fuck happens. Just watch it. And also just being a fan of people out here in Hollywood that do their own goddamn thing, I guess Sandler's movies crush it on Netflix. So he's like, well, why fucking take it to the movie theater? I'll just take it right to you.

So he cut a deal with them for, like, his next, I don't know, four to six movies. And they went right, right to that. So I believe this is the first one. And I fucking loved it, man. I loved it.

I got, I can't say what happens, but there was this one thing that Sandler did, and I was like, that's probably going to be the most disgusting thing I'm going to see for the first half of the year. And then something else happens that involves a fucking old lady. So there you go. I just primed the pump. Check it out if you get a chance.

And I've been watching Bloodline and then somebody else recommended I am road comic. And it was about just these comics, Wayne Federman and these guys doing this road gig and enjoyed all of that. Enjoyed all of that. And. But I mentioned earlier that.

Check those out if you can. Check them out if you can. Anyways, so I mentioned earlier that I am in a much more upbeat mood than I have been in a while, you know? And I know what you're thinking, Bill. Oh, what'd you, would you get another bottle of booze?

No, not at all. Not at all. I finally went to a chiropractor, all right? I went to a chiropractor and I never, I never go to the doctor, all right? Because that's how I was brought up.

Christ. I'm telling you, Billy, Christ, you're going to get down there and, and they're going to find something and they're going to charge you up the fucking wazoo. Just take a goddamn aspirin, all right? You hang from a pull up bar, you'll be fine, all right? I came from a family in a town where you didn't go to the fucking doctor if you went to the fucking.

You don't go to the doctor. You don't take your car to a mechanic. Cause they're gonna fucking find something. So I finally go to the chiropractor because at this point, I told you, I'm literally in the writers room. I have cushions from this couch on the floor.

And I lay on the floor and I call it floor pitching. I just pitch jokes laying on the floor. And then when it gets to some critical part of the story, I then stand up to see what's going on, and then I lay back down again. And then I just lay on the ground. What if, what if Frank said, you know, I'll put you through the fucking wall, right?

That's what I do. So I finally couldn't take it anymore. And a buddy of mine who works on the show said, I got a great chiropractor. And I finally was just like, you know what? You gotta let that fucking suburban Boston shit go, okay?

There's no way. If they always fucked up, everybody would still be going to him. So I end up going down there, and this guy was a fucking wizard. Unbelievable, right? He literally, like, put his hand right in my lower back and was just pushing on my spine, like, on one side of it and was going, ah, it seems like you have a.

An older injury here from a long time ago. I was like, yeah, how the fuck did you know that? He goes, now I could tell because this is bulging. I had a bulging disc. And he goes, I go, yeah, fucking one of my.

When I was in fourth grade, you know, I was into wrestling, and the buddy of mine knew how to do the figure four leg lock. And unfortunately, the only way to teach someone how to do it is to put him in it. And he put me in the fucking thing. And when I sat up to try to free my leg, that was the first time I felt something go out in my back. And then the next time I was playing football, freshman year of high school, pickup football.

I didn't play organized. I didn't play organized because I got a d in math in fifth grade. And that was, that was, that was my retirement. Like, when Jordan retired in 2003, except I never, I won one championship and I never returned.

But anyways, he was able to fix all of that shit. I immediately felt better. The next day, I was sore. And then over the weekend, like, like last night, for the first time in, like, two months, I was able to sit down for a significant period of time and have no pain whatsoever. And I'd just been doing all these stretches.

And the biggest one is I've been doing that, you know, the up dog yoga stretch for your. Was it your psoas muscle in the front? I just thought it connected your top to your bottom, just where your hips were, and it ran perpendicular to your waist. I didn't realize that it came up and then kind of made like an s turn right to, like, the middle of your body. He was explaining to me, I forget what it is, but, like, I've been stretching that thing and doing my vietnamese gambler squat and a couple of runner stretch.

And I think by this time next week, I should be right as rain. And, dude, he fucking cracked my back. I didn't know he was gonna do it. I was laying on my back and he goes, all right, bring your knees up. Bring him over to the side.

Just let it relax. Relax. Let me have all the weight. And fucking right there, Fred. And I just started fucking laughing like, dude, what the fuck?

Cuz I always thought it was like they were cracking your bones. I guess there's gas that they're releasing in there. I have no fucking idea. But anyways, I don't know. That's something.

I always have to remember that just because something's a racket doesn't mean that there's not somebody that's really good at it, you know what I mean? Like, think of the reputation that comedians have. We don't have a good reputation. We're on off stage, we're attention whores. We got the fucking lampshades on our head and we tell fucking awful jokes.

Yet despite that, there's still your fucking, you know, Dave Attels, Chappelle's, Louis cK's and all of those fucking guys. So that's, I guess what you gotta do. You gotta find the Louis ck of chiropractors before you fucking go in. And I think I did. So I don't know, this is.

I don't even know how to get out of this. This was just something good happened to me and I told you the story and nothing bad happened, so I don't have any jokes about it other than I couldn't find the fucking place. You know, I was driving over with my phone, right? It's directing me over there. And then in the last second, right when I needed it, where the building was, I hit like a, whatever, a dead zone, and I had nothing.

And I walked up to the building was one of those partially like rented buildings, so it looked like it was abandoned from where I was. And I'm looking in, and by now I'm already losing my shit. I'm like, great, there's nobody even in. This fucking, fucking building's abandoned. Then I just see this nurse walk by, looking at me with their scrubs on, like, what the fuck is your problem?

I was just. Then I had to kind of be like, play it off and then kind of follow her around the part of the building that was actually being used. I swear to God, man, I need to learn how to have patience. I just, I have zero fucking patience. I have zero fucking tolerance.

All of that shit. And I don't know, it's really gonna be the death of me. I really gotta learn to just fucking relax. It's weird little shit. Little shit fucking drives me up the wall.

Major shit are major pains in the ass. I just laugh and I don't. Yesterday I was driving my lovely wife back from, went over to the mall. She picked up a few things. We got all the way home, my back was starting to kill me.

And she realized she left one of her shopping bags in a store, and she flipped the fuck out. And I was like, ah, nah, it's fine. It's fine. Like, I don't give a shit, right? I drive all the way back.

My back's killing me. I didn't give a fuck. Totally relaxed. That was fine, right? But then, like, an old lady walks in a crosswalk, and I have to wait an extra 6 seconds to make a left, and I literally have a meltdown.

For the life of me, I can't figure out why that is. But anyways, speaking of great stand up comedians, um, Doug Stanhope put something up. He wrote something. He's friends with, uh, Johnny Depp, and he's going through this brutal fucking divorce. And, uh, I just want to give him props for sticking up for his friend and everything and saying something.

Cause, you know. You know what's really so fucked up? All right? It's all the shit that happens to women, that guys do to women is fucked up. But there has been a slight overcorrection now where if somebody.

A woman just says you do something before you're ever tried or convicted, it just gets put in the paper, it gets put all over the Internet, and then all you fucking morons, or 90% of you on the fucking Internet, just take it as truth. Take it as. And why do you take it as truth? Cause you want it to be true. Cause he's doing better than you in life.

I mean, it's fucking unbelievable. I really believe this. Okay. If somebody gets accused, okay, of rape or domestic violence, they should not publicize the person's name until they're convicted of it. I think that's more than fair, considering all the fucking dopes out there, that the second they read something, it's gotta be true.

You know, let it fucking see what happens first. See what the fuck happens first. That whole thing now that. All you gotta do is just say it. The amount of fucking guys who've been falsely accused of that shit, it's like you're literally fucking with their ability to get a job.

You're fucking with their reputation. You know the deal, dude. Like, domestic violence and anything involving sex, that shit never goes. That never goes away. Um, so I don't know.

I just want to, you know, give Stanhope fucking props for actually sticking up for the guy. Cause there's a lot of people, you know, because of the stigma around that. Even if they know it isn't true, they're afraid to throw their hat in the fucking ring right now. I don't know what the fuck happened or whatever. Okay?

I'm just saying, the fact that somebody finally just said, hey, this guy hasn't been tried for anything yet. He's a friend of mine. I know he would never do this. It was. It was refreshing to finally read that and for somebody to finally say, you know, what I believe is, you shouldn't put somebody's name out there until, you know, 100% tried and convicted, they definitely did that shit.

And then if they did, tar and feather him. But to do that to somebody and also to give that weapon to somebody, that they can just fucking say that and blackmail you with that and really destroy your reputation, I don't know. It's fucking reprehensible. So there's another thing that isn't really funny, you know? You know, it's like all those Duke lacrosse players, this shit, they just fucking faces all over the fucking.

And, you know, to this day, despite the fact that they were totally vindicated, despite the fact that there was a 30 for 30 talking about how bad they got railroaded, despite all of that, you know, that's still going to affect their lives, you know, there's still going to be somebody going, yeah, but, you know, something happened. You know, somebody, when they get mad and they got nothing else to say, they're going to call him a rapist or something like that. You fucking know, that they're gonna. So. I don't know.

I don't know. It was. It was good to see. And of course it was Stanhope. Stanhope.

Stanhope's a good fucking man. Um, as is Johnny Depp, by the way, a few times. He's a. He's a big stand up fan. He comes out to shows.

He's fucking humble as hell, you know, gentle. One of the most gentle fucking people ever. You know what I mean? Look, listen to me. Listen how the fuck I talk.

You know what I mean? You'd understand it if it came. You know, somebody said that about me, that he fucking snapped, like posey and fucking dirty dozen. I don't know. I barely know the guy.

I've only met him a few fucking times. But, like, I don't. I really tend to believe what the fuck Stanhope is saying, and I 100% believe that you should not be putting somebody's fucking name out there just because somebody said it, you know? Oh, it's fucking. This fucking state is brutal.

She's going for fucking spousal support, you know, going for fucking spousal support, which means he's got to pay her for, like, the rest of her fucking life. She married the guy for 15 fucking months. And you know what kills me about that person? She's gonna fucking go to the Beyonce concert, right? Oh, the ladies, the independent.

And she. Well, you watch her throw a fucking hair up. Oh, that shit gets me heated. All right, here we go. Here we go.

Is there any fucking ribbons for. From. For guys falsely accused of rape and domestic violence? You know, is, do they get their month? You know what?

Will the NFL wear a color for them? Of course they won't. They don't. They don't give a fuck anyways.

All right, here we go. Let's talk about. Now. Let's talk about that. Game six.

Holy fucking shit. Game six, OKC, Golden State warriors. And when I say holy fucking shit, not only do I mean it was a great game, I mean, holy fucking shit. You guys are going to have to sit here and listen to a man who never watches basketball talk about basketball. Actually, I watched the most I've watched this year, and I watched the Celtics mainly.

Fucking brutal, man. I'm not gonna lie to you. I always root for the underdog. So I was going for OKC, right? And, you know, Golden State got theirs last year.

I, like, I. You know, I've been to a home game of. Of the Thunder. The fans are fucking unreal. And I love their stadium.

It's like a college stadium, you know, it's not like fucking triple decker luxury boxes, like, down the Staples center, which every time I go in there, there's a part of me that gets really sad for, like, true Laker fans, true King fans, true Clipper fans that they got banished. That fucking high up. It's fucking ridiculous. They got a goddamn nightclub in there, you know, where you can hang out afterwards. It's the stupidest shit ever, right?

And meanwhile, all the fucking. The real fans that have been hanging out, you know, the only real fan in the lower level of, at the Lakers game, you got two Diane Cannon and Jack Nicholson. They've been there for fucking ever. And I think it was Jack first.

But anyways, and I saw Kevin Durant play when he was still at Keyarena, when he was still with the Sonics. And I was at that game when OKC was playing the Miami Heat. And Chris Bosh got in one of the thunders guys faces, and Durant immediately walked over and said some shit and broke it up. And then he, like, was really fucking, you know, look, like not yelling, but just laying down the law to his teammate. And afterwards, they asked him what he said.

He said, I just told him there's a lot of phony tough guys in the league, and that guy's one of them. And right there, I mean, he was like 22, 23 when he did it. I was like, yeah, you got it. You can't not love that guy, right? So I'm rooting for these guys.

And it's the classic fucking thing about a team that knows how to win another one that didn't. They had those fuck, they actually won the fucking game. They had the fuck. I can't say they won. They had it one.

They were up by seven with four and a half minutes left, and they were playing like they were down by 15. And fucking the warriors, they were like, they were like this patient, like a. You know when you see, like, I want a python, grab something and it wraps itself around you and it just chill it, and every time you exhale, it just fucking goes a little tighter and a little tighter, you know, and then you're like, you can't fucking breathe your pass out and it's over. That's all they did. If you rewatch that game, they never increased the tempo of their game.

They just fucking. They were like Jason and Friday the 13th. You know, when someone's running away. OKC was a victim running away, looking over their shoulders, so they're tripping over logs and shit, and they just fucking walked up on him. And that was it.

Fucking machete to the back of the neck. They were playing like they were down by 15 when they were up by seven. And then they just started coming down the court. They stopped passing the fucking ball. And that was.

That was one of the most devastating losses I've seen of a home team in a long fucking time. They just ripped their hearts out, fucking held it up to their faces and then threw it in a crowd.

There was dead fucking silence. Except for those 20 unbelievable, stereotypical jerk off California sports fans that hung around. They are the fucking worst. Not all of them, but 80% of them. They are the fucking.

Maybe there was a touch of the Yolo douche that was fucking going on, right? You know, the white guys with the hat to the side and, you know, two of them, DJ, right? They were standing behind all of the. All of the fucking announcers there. Nia killed me when we were watching it.

She was fucking making fun of Shaq. He said, she said, he's wearing this big blue suit, his big round head. She said he looked like one of those talking m and Ms.

Um, anyways, but Jesus Christ, Clay Thompson. My God, at what point are you going to cover the guy? This is what's so fucked up about the NBA. You know, when, when whatever his fuck his name, when Steph Curry goes down the lane for like the 50th fucking time. Little cross over here, little damn whoopee whoopee doo.

And he's in the air. Back in the day that you would have got. You would have got fucking brought down to earth on the back of your head. That would have been it. And everyone would have stood up and pushed and shoved and nobody would have got it jacked.

He's fucking like, that's something, because I watched very little basketball for a long time during my stand up career, and I just cannot believe the way you can just coast down the fucking lane, you know what I mean? Back in the day, if you tried to go down the lane, you had to be a fucking man. You know, you knew you were going to, you know, you could get away with it once, maybe twice, and then that was it. It was like when Michael Vick was running around as a quarterback. You knew eventually one of those linebackers was going to have an opportunity and it was going to, you know this, you know, if you're a running quarterback, you know, eventually, you know, it's almost like considered, like, I feel it's considered like a cheap fucking play.

Like, we got you guys covered, you know what I mean? And then you're just going to fucking, you know, run and then fucking slide on your ass for a first down. That makes people mad on the defense. And eventually you're not going to have time to go down or they don't give a fuck that you're going down and they're going to take the fucking the fine. And I'm amazed how that has been taken out of the fucking game.

These guys just glide. Watch. I want to say, when Mikhail hit Rambus, I don't even know if there was a foul. There must have been a foul, but nobody was ejected. That would have been like, what?

I don't know, whatever the suspensions are nowadays, three to five game suspensions. But anyways, Clay Thompson, Jesus Christ, the fucking guy was unconscious. And I got to tell you, man, I just. The only reason why I think OKC can win game seven is nobody thinks they can. And that always makes me feel like Vegas is going to win a ton of fucking money.

I actually have a bet. I called in the Im Rappaport podcast.

Cause Rappaport, anytime anything bad happens to fucking Boston teams, he's just got a hard on for it, you know what I mean? And then he tries to act like he doesn't give a fuck about baseball. And then when I bring up how successful the Yankees are, he flips out. That's right. That's right.

When we fucking prison raped you, he flips out. It, it literally ages that man. What has happened over the last decade and a half, what we have accomplished with only four teams, even our fucking soccer team, if you want to throw that in, right, even they want a championship. It apple absolutely fucking devastates that man, you know, and all he's got is the two giant Super Bowls, which to be honest with you, you know, I don't give a fuck if you told me 15 years ago, hey, the Patriots are going to go to six Super Bowls and win four of them. Do you think I'm gonna cry about the other two?

I don't give a fuck.

Four and two. I'll fucking take that. You know who else would take that? The fucking giants. If they could have gone to six and won four.

And why wouldn't you? Well, you know something? They would probably say winning two against the Patriots was better. And I would actually believe that. I would actually believe that.

So whatever, you know what I mean? But that's the kind of sports fan I am. I don't have this blind hatred, you know, this is the thing. This is the thing about me. As much as I sound like I'm upper deck, I'm really not.

I am the way I drink, I am the way I talk, the way I curse. I am an upper deck guy, but I am a logical son of a bitch. I'm not saying I'm box seats. I'm on the mezzanine level, okay? I'm just that much closer to the fucking, to the field now, Rappaport, Rappaport is upper deck all day.

All fucking day. And if he hears this, he's going to say he's actually proud of it. Rapperports, that guy at the top of the fucking stadium going, is anybody looking? Is anybody looking? And he fucking takes a piss up in the corner, you know what I mean?

He actually really is more like a Philly fan than a New York fan. He can't help it. He just can't help but the man, the man has. And when I hear his hatred towards Boston sports and when I hear his excitement every time they reinstate the Brady suspension, it just makes me, it. I can't even tell you how happy it makes me that there's a New York sports fan that is experiencing this level of joy that something bad is finally happening to a a Boston team this century.

It never used to be that way, you know? You know what New York sports fans are to Boston fans? They're like your big brother that used to be able. That could beat you up until you about 14, and then you finally kicked his ass, you know? You know, threw him down the flight of stairs, you know, you felt him quit, and it's fucking over, you know, but it's never over because, you know, at some point.

Some point in your thirties, something's gonna come. Something's gonna happen at, like, a family reunion, and they're gonna come at you one more time, right? You just give them the old front face lock, right, and do a back body drop, and then it's fucking over. Once you hear their body hit that linoleum floor, right, the ankle just clips the counter, they're fucking done.

I love Rappaport, you know? All right. He's another pasty fucking human being is out of his fucking mind, just like me. All right, let's read a little bit of advertising. A little bit of advertising here for, uh.

And when I say little, I mean little. We only got two reads, everybody. Oh, when you try to make the reads funny, there goes the honey, right out the fucking door. All right. All right, let's get back to the podcast here.

Um, all right, so, ol, uh, old Billy fucking fat cakes, I'm in a writer's room, and I have. I blew out my fucking sciatic nerve, right? I, uh. So I have not been working out, and I've been trying to eat the best I can, but I finally bit the bullet and stepped on the fucking scale the other day, and I was 183. So my fighting weights 172.

I went down to 163 last year. I knew I couldn't sustain that. That was like, my emaciated, fucking, you know, underwear model weight. But I still, you know. No, there's never been a redheaded underwear model, a male one, I don't think, you know, but there's always a first.

So I really want to be, like, 172. So I just said, you know, I started yesterday. I got my birthday coming up on June 10, and there cannot be an eight anywhere in my body weight on my birthday for life. I've just decided that that's it. It's not fucking happening.

So, uh, this morning, I was 181.6. You know, I got my gym right outside. My back's feeling good. I'm actually doing fucking legs and eggs today, right? Legs and eggs, the foxy lady.

Hey, guys, come on down for legs and eggs, right? I'm fucking doing some squats and I'll do the gym is the shit. The fucking speed bag, the atomic holds, the pegboard.

I just walk right up. I want a fucking bench. I don't have to worry about anything. You know, I got a wireless fucking speaker, right? I actually don't.

I have this. I got this other thing. Looks like a Marshall amp. Looks like the head of a Marshall amp. And you just plug your phone in there.

And I just cranked like, fucking AC DC and fucking all the shit that I love. Guns n roses and all that, like, back in the day. And my goal is, one time in my life did I ever put up 225. And for you meatheads left over from the fucking eighties, 225 was the shit. Cause that was 245 pound plates on both sides, right?

And you just brought it down and right back up again. And I did that back when I weighed about a buck 65. So I am an old man now. So right now, you know, I just got the 45s on either side, you know, whatever. I'm working my way back.

And I also know how to build myself up without hurting myself. I always make sure if I'm going to go 20 pounds up that I can do 20 pounds less at least six times. And then I just go up and see if I can do 20 pounds up, like two times, maybe three. And I just work my way up. So I literally started out with just 25s on either side, you know, did that ten times.

And I threw the times and I put the 45s on. I could only do it like six fucking times. Pathetic. But now I'm back up to ten reps on all of those. And I just moved up to a buck 55, which I put up like four times.

So I should have my eighties body back soon. You know, we just totally overdeveloped up top. And then I have my chicken legs. No, it's not happening this time. This time I'm actually going to do the fucking squat.

The squats. So anyways, if anybody else has those atomic holds, like, what are you. Cause they give you those little. Those plastic bands that you then put, like the c clamp on and then you can swing from those things. Like, what do you hook the plastic thing from?

I got them on my chin up bar, but the shit in the ceiling is like a fishhook, but it's totally closed, so I can't put the plastic thing in there. I guess I could just fucking email the company and I could figure out how to do it. Anyways, let's. Let's literally babbling here. Oh.

Who do you guys like in the Stanley cup playoffs, huh? In the Stanley cup final?

I got to tell you, after watching the sharks beat my blues, I have nothing but respect for those guys now. And I actually really like that team. Um, but then I got a ton of friends in Pittsburgh. I don't know. I don't know.

I don't know what to do. Why is Sidney Crosby so hateable? Is it the pouty lips? Was it the crying? After every fucking call for so many fucking years.

The guy's unbelievable. He's unbelievable. Um, I don't know. I have no idea who's gonna win that one, but I'm gonna watch. Bartnik actually invited me over.

I gotta get back to him. Maybe I'll be able to run over there and watch this. And then if I go over there, I'm not one of those douches that even if I wanted San Jose to win, I would go over there and I'd definitely root for the pens. You can't. When you see how happy Joe Bartnik is.

Anytime the Penguins score a fucking goal, there's no way to not root for the Penguins. And I'm not even rooting for the Penguins. I'm just rooting to see Joe Bartnik happy. All right, here we go. The questions for the week, week, week.

Online dating from a lady high. Bumbling. Billy butterballs. Hey, I like that one. Fumbling, rumbling, bumbling, stumbling.

I actually tweeted about, did you see that? Four year old kid fell into the gorilla enclosure and then they killed the gorillas? I said. I tweeted about that. I was saying how a four year old does not fall.

Accidentally fall into a gorilla enclosure. I wrote, that was a fumble. Hash. Chris Berman.

There's a fumble. The grillers got it. All right. I am a 26 year old lady, and I met this guy I am really into on an online dating app. I am not on the app for hookups and don't think he is either.

We have met. We have met up in public places three times in the past week, and I can really see potential with him. That's so. I'm so fucking jealous that you guys have that app where it's like, I'm not on there just to hook up with people. Like, you literally can turn yourself into, like, a gigolo or a call girl with regular fucking people.

It's unbelievable. He said, we have met up in public places three times in the past week, and I can really see potential with him. I haven't been to his actual apartment yet, but met him once in the parking garage of his complex. That sounds like a blowjob. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have said that. He wants to hang out and watch a movie at his place. I'm not a prude. Naive, or getting any weird vibes or red flags from him. I just don't want to put myself in any potentially dangerous situations or give him any false signs.

How soon is too soon after meeting someone online to hang out at their apartment? Dude, what the fuck? I don't know. I have no idea. You don't sound comfortable, so I wouldn't do it.

I wouldn't do it. I would. I think if you're going to spend time alone with him for the first time, I would do it at your place and have nine one dialed in the phone in your hand. I mean, I don't know if you're getting this kind of a creepy vibe. Are you getting a creepy vibe because you met him online?

I. My advice is I would not go over there anytime soon until that whole fucking vibe goes away.

And whether you're a prude or not has nothing to do with anything. That just has to do with being smart. Jesus Christ. Now you got me thinking there's something wrong with them. You know what?

Stay away from that guy, all right? Boyfriend doesn't want a dog. I don't even know how to say this. Hey, Billy. Is that a french word?

B E t E, with a little hat on the first e. Now I gotta look it up. You know what happens when I do this shit, all right. Oh, you know what I actually was looking up the other day? Cause I'm a big fan of the 83 Philadelphia 76 ers.

I was looking up the St. Louis spirits, which was an ABA team. French to english translation. There we go. It's an ABA team.

Oh, that means stupid, you fucking asshole.

Hey, Billy. Stupid. What was I going to say? I actually looked it up. The St.

Louis spirits, and they had some of the cool nicknames. Coolest nicknames ever. They had a guy. Bad news, Barnes, Fly Williams, and then Moses Malone. Moses didn't even need a fucking nickname with.

With this. That. It being his real name. Moses. Moses Malone.

Bad news. Barnes, fly Williams. And I watched. I don't know if there's. I think there's a 30 for 30 on it.

It seemed like I saw a trailer for it. Bob Costas was going like, if you need to know anything about the ABA that team was the fucking ABA. Everything that was great about it. And I believe Bob Costas is a Missouri guy, and so I think that he was doing all those games. If I ever meet Bob Costas, that's the shit I'm going to ask him about.

Out of fucking everything, that's what I would want to talk to him about, is about the ABA, where he got his start and all. I just can't fucking believe that he got to see all that stuff. So, anyways, here we go. Billy Betts. Billy stupid.

All right. And I'm a longtime lady listener. I love your stand up specials. And f is for family is amazing. Thank you.

Nice work. Thank you. Thanks again. I'm 29, and I just moved away from Seattle to San Antonio with my air force pilot boyfriend. Oh.

All right. How does that one go? Off we go into the wild blue yonder. This is my first time living away from home, and he's gone a lot for work. I thought it would be a good idea for us to get a dog to keep me sane.

I love animals and was a part time dog walker in Seattle. My boyfriend, however, has never owned a pet in his life and isn't hot on the idea of having a dog. He's from Iowa, and he believes livestock should live. Shouldn't live indoors. Oh, Jesus.

I've owned cats and dogs my entire life. In fact, I had to leave my 17 year old cat behind in Seattle, and it broke my heart. Can you offer any persuasive words to help bring him around, or should I just drop it? Thanks for the laugh, and go fuck yourself. Um, how do you bring them around?

Well, you can do what my wife did, and you foster air, quote, a rescue dog. That's what happens. You foster a rescue dog, which means, yeah, just have it for the weekend. And as the bit went in my act, I went from, there's no fucking way I'm keeping this dog. And in a 48 hours period, went all the way to, oh, my God, this thing's gonna die someday.

How am I emotionally gonna be able to handle this? You could do that.

I don't. Listen, well, this is what I would do either way, no matter how this works out, I would get a small dog, okay? Small dogs, small problems, okay? Small expenses, small shits to pick up. Is your house breaking the fucking thing?

House training, whatever the fuck it is. Not a horsebill. You don't ride the thing.

How would you do this? Well, it sounds like he doesn't want to do it. Why would he call it livestock? It's not livestock. It's a fucking pet.

I don't know. You know what it is? This is the thing. If you foster a dog, this is what's going to happen. So this guy grew up on a farm, or he grew up in Iowa.

This is the thing. When you fucking come home on a farm, a cow's not flipping out and excited to see you. Neither is a horse. They can do little things, but nobody gets excited like a fucking dog. You know what I mean?

It's like Dick Vitel. Oh, baby, he's a prime time player, right? Every time you come home, your dog flips out. Like you just dunk the ball on a fast break. And the other team called timeout.

That's the way your dog fucking reacts. Now, I know from experiences when I was just a boy and I would walk to school and I used to feed this horse every day on the way. Bill, is this a Tom Sawyer movie? No, it isn't. This was my childhood.

And I remember one time it wouldn't come over. So I walked away and I fucking. When I looked back, it was doing that walk, or was nodding its head and flipping out for whatever fucking reason. It was like playing hard to get. So I know that they can, I guess, on some level, show a certain level of emotion.

But, like, I think maybe, I don't know what kind of dog. If you get a little dog that has a nice mushed up face, you know, maybe like one of those french bulldogs, something that snores and farts. Your boyfriend can find it funny. I have no idea. Maybe a dog like that.

But I find it hard to fucking believe unless he grew up on a farm. And anybody who grew up on a fucking farm on a certain level, like they. They got this cold bloodedness to them, you know what I mean? They've just seen too much. They've seen fucking animals slaughtered, you know?

You know, like when they were a kid, like, their dad goes, you want chicken for dinner? Is that what you want? Quit your crying. You want chicken for dinner? All right.

He come out here, you come out of here, right? Come on out. Which one's it gonna be? Dad, I don't want chicken anymore. No, you said you want a chicken.

Now pick one out, boy. If you don't fucking, I'm gonna fucking have you for dinner. All right, that one. Then he fucking. Just grabs it, puts it on the chopping block, and then hands that kid the fucking cleaver.

Go on, do it. I said do it. Right? They lived through that at, like, the age of six. So they don't look at animals the way we do.

And I gotta be honest with you. I remember one time I saw this guy shoot a fucking cow because it was bullying the other fucking. It was shot a steer because it was bullying the other steer. They couldn't figure out why the, you know. You know, they.

They'd come back, you know, the next morning and, like, two or three cows look like they fucking. Somebody tried to extrapolate some fucking information from them, right? Is that the right word? I don't know that they got slapped around. You know, like they walked into a door and they couldn't figure who the fuck's slapping the shit out of these steer.

And it turned. They figured out which one it was. So they were like, all right, we got to kill this fucking thing. But here's the deal. We don't want the thing to be stressed before it's killed because that'll affect the taste of the meat.

So what they do is they just sort of up. They just sort of pen it in and, yeah, you know, how you doing, doopie doopie, doo. And then they just fucking take out a gun. Blaming. They fucking kill it, right?

And I was like, oh, my God. So then they. The guy had, like, this fucking. This tractor, and they tied up the back things, the back of its legs. They tied up its back legs and then they just lifted it up off the ground.

Then they gutted the fucking thing. All the bloods pouring out, all the fucking entrails. And I'm just sitting there going, oh, my God. I'm never eating meat again. This is fucking horrific, right?

And then they once they fucking chop the head and the legs off and they get. They get the fur, the hide off, and they started chopping it up. I went from like, oh, my God, I'm never eating meat again. To my mouth watering, going, holy fuck, look at all those steaks. And this guy was cutting them in like, four inch fucking slabs like Fred Flintstone fucking steaks.

And it's just like, dude, you could literally eat yourself to death and not get a third of the way through that fucking cow cattle or what a steer, whatever the fuck it is. So I think the thing about it is, if he grew up in Iowa, anywhere near a farm, that's how they look at animals. They look at it like, you know, this is a food source and don't get too emotionally attached to it. Keep it outside. Do not give it a fucking name.

And when it can't make you any more money, you give it the old fucking right. There, Fred. So he might be a lost cause, you know what I mean? And as bad as that might be for you, I gotta tell you, like, the fact that he can wall off those feelings like, that is great if you ever have an intruder, because God help him when that guy. When the intruder gets those farmhands around him fucking throwing bales of hay since he was four years.

Farm boy strength. Jesus Christ. That fucking. All those fucking. Every offensive lineman for Nebraska just grew up fucking punching steer in the goddamn head, the fucking maniacs.

So the fact that he grew up in Iowa, it might be a lost cause. So I would just say try fostering a dog and try to just get. Get one that is cool and chills. But if you. If your boyfriend's active, maybe you want something that's a little more athletic.

But, like, you know, you can have a dog that just wants to chill while you watch the fucking game. I mean, that's the best. That's why I love my dog. My dog is fucking shredded. It makes me want to work out.

But then also, you know, it is down to take a nap any fucking time you want. It's not like those sheep herding fucking lunatic dogs that have, like, add, and if you don't give it a project, it starts fucking eating the door, you know? But anyways, good luck with that shit. All right. Beyonce's album.

Dear Billy, def Jam, my girlfriend was listening to the new Beyonce album for a couple days straight. I let her listen because we usually listen to my music, which is music she loves. Anyways. I didn't say it's funny. I let her listen.

You know what? It's okay. You can listen to that. I didn't say anything for the first few days, but then I just started getting sick of hearing the same songs. She understood this and did not take offense because she's a great girl, and I don't waste my time with shitty girlfriends who can't communicate.

Dude, I got to admit, right now, at this point, you sound like, you know, a girl's a great girl. As long as she wants to do everything you want her to do, she's a great girl. I'd say I'm sick of the two days. I'm sick of your music, and she's been listening to your music for fucking ever. Maybe I'm reading into this.

Anyways, later that night, we're at a bar with her friends, or with her friend who was really. Who has a really annoying name that rhymes with Smalleen. She brings up the album, the Beyonce album, and how great. It is. And my girl laughs and says, yeah, I burnt this guy out with it, pointing to me.

Her friend saw this as an opening to regurgitate every stupid soundbite she's read on a blog. Apparently, I'm not comfortable with women being in a dominant position. Or if a guy did what she did, I wouldn't care. Yeah, I know. This.

This. This happened when that Alanis Morissette album came out. And I remember enjoying some of the music, and some woman in a bar was going like, do you even know what the song is about? Like, like, I should. Like, like, I had some.

A relationship with Alanis, and she was yelling at me, like, I don't understand it. You know what I mean? The songs either fucking, you know, either like the music or you don't. I don't give a fuck what she's singing about. Right at the end of the day.

Yeah, if you could fuck be fucking be singing row, row, row your boat. If it sounds good, I'm gonna listen to it. Like, I'm not necessarily a fan of her shit, but that one that she did with Jack White, I like that song because the song sounds good and I've heard it, like, ten times because Nia's been playing it, and I cannot tell you one fucking lyric in it. I don't. I don't even know what it's about.

But anyways, I finally had to interrupt her and explain that while I think she's. What she's singing about is annoying. You said it. Annoying is annoying. My only complaint was that I was tired of hearing the same song songs for three days straight.

She wouldn't even listen. Ignoring me and the words coming out of my calm mouth, dismissing logic, I turned to my girlfriend and said, how can a girl as smart as you have such one dismiss. Oh, such a one dimensional friend? Yep. She tossed what was left of her drink on me.

Wow, this chick is way out of line. It was a beer bottle that was almost empty. I barely got any drops on me. She got mad when I laughed and turned and stomped off. Did I say too much?

Did I say too little? Listen, I'm not saying you're not a dick. I think. I think you said. I think what you said was perfect.

You know what I mean? Like, to be honest with you, at some point your girlfriend should have stepped in and been like, guys, guys. Maybe she was. Guys, guys, settle down, settle down, settle down.

But whenever an album like this comes out, I mean, she realizes that that album is just like a big fucking isn't that, like, you know, just like a big fucking, what do they call it? Trolling? Isn't she just acting like that happen? I mean, I don't think she let calluses grow on her feet and do all that shit that she said.

She always looks like she just came from the spa. And I don't give a fuck what that guy did. I don't think she's interrupting that. Maybe she made the help go down and go through that biblical shit that she was talking about, but whatever, you know, they got to have that fucking, you know, not everything's for you, but I understand if someone's, like, playing an album three days straight, you'd go fucking nuts. But I think, yeah, I think you went too far because you insulted your girlfriend's girlfriend by, in a roundabout way, insulting your own girlfriend, you know, but that you have to understand, like, women like that, like, in this day and age, like, this is like, they're so into that shit that you're not gonna convince them one way or the other.

That's, like the type of person that acts like an asshole and just goes, you know, guys are intimidated by me, and at no point are they ever examining, examining, like, their own behavior. It's like, did I tell you what, guys? When I was in Seattle, when that woman came up and fucking slammed her hands on the stage? Cause, like, the stage was up to her chin and it scared the shit out of me because I couldn't see anything because the lights were on. I thought someone had jumped on stage.

And I felt like, that jolt, like, right before you're gonna get into a fight. And I looked down and there was this woman, you know, screaming at me or whatever, and I just said, first of all, she was standing there forever. And nope, no security did anything. And I joked. I said to the guys in the crowd, be like, dude, how many times would we have been choked out at this point and dragged out of here and thrown into the.

And thrown into fucking traffic? This is one of these women privilege moments where you can just disrupt a fucking show. And she's been standing there yelling at me for, like, 30 seconds and nobody moved to do anything.

And then finally I just said, man, can you please take your seat? And she goes, oh, I'll take my seat, but I don't need your permission, is what she said. And it was just like, it's like, all right, I get it. You're a feminist. But, like, you know, you're applying it.

And, like, in this instance, I'm not the bad guy. You're the asshole. I know you have a vagina, so that makes you this terminal victim in your fucking world. And that you can never be in the wrong, but believe it or not, at some point you can be the fucking asshole. And what you did was you remain calm, which is the way to beat anybody in a fucking argument, is as they get heated, you just stay calm.

And when she had nothing else, she threw her drink at you and then fucking stormed off. So it was weird. You won that argument, but you owe your girlfriend an apology because you made shit weird between her and her girlfriend. And you kind of insulted your own girlfriend in a way. Having said that, I applaud you for saying that because that's fucking hilarious.

And I actually wish I could have seen that because anytime those types of songs come out, there's always that type of shit of like, you know, oh, you're just saying that because this. You're just saying that because that. And, you know, I don't know. You know what I don't like about that shit is then you just. You just have this built in fucking excuse.

So it's like, oh, so you're never in the wrong. If I call you out and say, you know, x, y and z, it's because of my own issues. It's never you.

Jesus Christ. That takes me back to Daisy Buchanan's in, like, 1990, whatever, when that Alanis Morris set fucking album came out. All right, here we go. Boxing or porn. Jesus Christ is a fucking wide variety on this one.

Dear Bill, I'm facing a dilemma in my life, and I was hoping to gain an outside opinion. I'm a 20 year old male, and I've always had aspirations of becoming a professional boxer. However, I have a problem. I fear that I'm addicted to sex. What?

I already don't believe this. This is such a fucking left turn. I don't even believe this is causing problems in my relationship with my fiance. I absolutely. I'm absolutely in love with this woman.

She goes out of her way to make me happy. Sacrifice. Sorry, I got the hiccups. I wolfed down my breakfast before this. She goes out of her way to make me happy.

Sacrificed so much just to be with me. And also pleasures me often. Gross.

Why couldn't you just say you have a nice, wonderful sex life? Pleasures me often.

I got a picture of you with your head thrown back. Why would you do that to me, you cunt? All right. The only problem is my sexual frustration with her. We have passionate sex many times during the week, but I still want it even more, eventually ending up growing angry and resentful towards her when she doesn't want to.

Jesus, dude, go rub one out. And later, feeling like an asshole. This brings me to ask myself, should I just fuck for a living? My fiance and past partners have always complimented me on my performance in bed and my stamina. Jesus Christ, this guy's going hard on memorial day, so we have a parade for you going up to 3 hours on occasions.

I love the sport of boxing, and I've always worked toward that, but this problem I have sometimes just makes me want to drop everything and go fuck the world. Any. Any advice, this is real or fake, this is great. Any advice you have regarding this problem, my relationship or career path will be greatly appreciated. Thanks.

And go fuck yourself. Well, look, if you're boxing, you're in great shape. You know, I don't know if you got the porno dick or not, but you definitely got the stamina. But, dude, you don't want to go into that world if you have other fucking options, you don't want to go into that world. And you know that I really.

There's very few, like, the people who seem to make them the zillions of dollars, which is still really hard to do at this point because porno has become free. Seems to be the women, they seem to be the ones that can become. Be a star just because guys watch, I guess, way more of it.

So I would say, jesus Christ, am I gonna tell you to go get your head kicked in or fucking go join the dark world of porn? I would say boxing. I would. This is what I would do if I was you. You know, you usually say if you abs.

Look, dude, you know something? With your fucking sex drive. They always say, you know, boxers, right before a big fight, they abstain from sex for ten days. Dude, you know, your only problem is you be coming in, then your balls are going to be feel like they're fucking through the. The tarmac, whatever the hell you call it.

The squared circle.

Yeah. I say you keep fucking boxing, you abstain from sex, and hopefully you're good at. You're good at boxing. You know, that is not a. That's not a fucking good profession to just be okay at because you're gonna be fucking, you know, your brain's gonna be mush.

Why don't you. Why don't you try the UFC? At least you got a chance that you can tap out. You can just get fucking get. Not saying you don't get knocked out.

You don't take a bunch of headshots in the UFC. But, I mean, you can get, you know, an arm bar. I'd rather have an arm bar than be knocked out. Cause you can tap out before they pop out. You fuck, dislocate your elbow.

You get choked out, which sounds horrific to me, but every professional fighter I've ever seen is like, dude, I'd much rather get choked out than knocked out. You just go to sleep, and then the ref stops it. You're fine, right?

I gotta tell you, that's one of the oddest questions I've ever had.

I don't know, dude. But God help you if you become successful as a boxer. You're gonna become famous, and God help your relationship. Then there's no way to jerk it out of yourself. Go out and lay on the front lawn like one of those sprinklers, just fucking, you know, shoot all your jizz out, and then get on with your fucking day.

Go do your roadwork running with your hoodie and your timberlands on. I don't know what to tell you, dude. That's way beyond me. You sound like you need a therapist.

Jesus Christ. I want to believe that that one was true. I don't know about that one. But anyways, that is the podcast for this week. Happy Memorial Day, everybody.

Enjoy your day off, and I'll check in on you on Thursday. Yeah, that's right. All right. Go fuck yourself.

I'm in it it's in me telling me to throw my body into the sea will the beast bust chains, wait for a millennium? Get a song by which I mean stitches to the back of the leg merry gold dragon ninja drags where I can't survive Amanda must wrinkles it's in me and I'm in it but I'm still getting it done yeah, I'm still getting it done but I'm like Johnny beyond.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-30-24

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