Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon, just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Yes, I am.

Look at me. I wore my little. My little black t shirt for you. You know, I've just decided to become a minimalist, you guys, and I'm just in a life coach. It's my next thing that I'm.

This is the next layer of the onion that I'm peeling back now. I have a special guest. That's why this is being filmed. He has a new special coming out called House money. His name is Fahib Anwar.

Guy's one of the funniest fucks out there right now. He's making a lot of older fellas like me nervous. He doesn't know it yet, but there's. There's a concerted effort to stop his meteoric rise to the top of the stand up. No, seriously.

One of the best. You're one of the best out there. I like 22 years. Meteoric rise. You've been doing it 22 years?

Fahim Anwar
Yeah. You still got hair like that, you son of a bitch. I started when I was 18, but, like. Yeah, just the fact that you, like, will text me stuff. We have a real weird relationship.

Like, the fact that you like me, you kind of give love like a middle eastern dad like you don't like. I'll hear rumblings of it, but I don't believe it, you know? Well, all right, well, I'll work harder on that. No, no, no. Just like.

Bill Burr
Christ, you know. You fucking have some kid on here. No, no, but I'm 40, dude. Yeah, I just turned 40. That's fucking.

That's an impressive. You got the Mediterranean skid there? Or is it the Middle Eastern. Whatever you got. The sun is easy on you.

Fahim Anwar
Yeah. Afghan. Afghan is the. Is the skin. You're Afghanistan.

Afghanistan. Afghan. Yeah, Afghan. Yeah. That's.

Bill Burr
You know, let's say that's a blanket. It is. It's also a dog. All right, well, is that from your. Your country?

Fahim Anwar
I don't know. I'm not. I don't know that I should know more afghan stuff. So who are you rooting for after 911.

Anyway? Tell me about this special. It's called house money, and people were assuming what. Yeah. That this is because you put your own money.

Fahim Anwar
Oh, that's. Themal's a saying. Was it run through Saudi Arabia? Yeah. Yeah.

A lot of Saudi Arabia went into Israel. Is that what happened? Saudi back money and why we shot it in Nashville. Whole yin and yang. Oh, where did you shoot in Nashville?

Zanies. Oh, you did? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I kind of messed up. I was talking to Ari Shir about.

Bill Burr
Right? Yeah, yeah. So, like, when I toured, I did all my great cities, all my great markets, and I'm like, oh, I gotta shoot this thing. But I didn't want. I didn't want to hit the same city twice.

Fahim Anwar
So I was like, where should I shoot? And then my people were like, oh, Nashville's a pretty good market, but I had never done it before, so I was kind of scared, like, to play a market for the first time and then shoot it, too. Cause you don't know. But I feel like. I feel like the special is better if you perform it to people that aren't you.

Bill Burr
Like, if it's too much, look, you don't wanna be, like a complete 180 and they hate you before you get to the stage. But there should be a little pushback against everything you're saying, or else it just becomes like this fucking applause. I hate those specials. Like a pep assembly or something. Yeah, it was just like, I mean, what's going on in the county, man?

Right? Everybody's just like. Just, you know, like one of those shows that women watch around 04:00 p.m. you know, those shows, like, you know, where there's, like, an audience and everybody's just fucking being positive, like the view or. Yeah.

Talking about food and this new dish that you can make, like, I feel like. Like, stand up. There has to be a little bit of a. That doesn't have to be. I like.

You can be totally silly, whatever, but. You love that push and pull. I like that. Yeah. Like, just sort of.

No, but you don't do it in a, like, literally going like this. You just. What I always do. I just act like an idiot. Like, so if I went to Nashville, I would just talk to all of them like they were farmers.

When you are out there, you know, you're out here trying to get your pigs back in the barn, and they just, you know, and they're fucking dressed like you. I know they're working on an app or something, but I just sit there and I act like, you know, that's what I do. I mean, you guys. I mean, I know it's hard, you guys, where I'm from, like, all the streets are paved, right? Right.

Even the side streets. And I know you guys out here. Yeah, he's got electricity. How's that going for, you know, a lot of you guys don't even have shoes. And they, through doing that, you're kind of showing that you do know something about them by being that fucking stupid or whatever.

And also, you're kind of, like, making fun of. I feel like, you know, some of these idiots on these awards shows out here, like, the way that they talk down to these. These states, it's just like, where are you from? You're from a flyover state, and then you're going to come out here and act like you're not from there anymore. Oh, I know.

Fahim Anwar
Yeah. How do you choose where to shoot a special? Like, how do you do it? Um, it's a combination of the venue and then, like, the crowd. So my next one, I think I'm gonna be doing in Seattle.

Oh, I'm from there. Wow. All right. So I'm doing the more theater. So, you know, you guys got, like, disgustingly liberal people there, and then you have, like, meathead lumberjacks right outside the city.

Bill Burr
So then they come in and they balance each other out. And then I just say shit to piss both of them off and just wait for their reactions. And then it becomes. You just light a fuse pretty much, and then let them fight when you leave. No, you go Colombo.

You act like you don't realize you're doing it, and then somebody, like, eventually takes the bait, or it's just a great crowd and they're laughing because they know that you're doing it. And then it's sort of a way to, like, okay, these people are cool. They can laugh at, like, you know, I don't know. My whole thing is, like, I don't have any answers. I have a few, but, like, I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

So if I can meet other people, that can be like, all right, I lean to the right. I lean to the left, but I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about. I'm just making a guess. Like, those people are, you know, I like being around that type of thing as opposed to, like, you know, some of the twats. No, no, some of the, like, the people on both sides that are just like.

I don't know, they get. They get so patriotic. They. I don't know what it is. They get so patriotic.

They join, like, a racist group, or they get so patriotic that they. They're on the left and they're, like, literally, like. Like, backing censorship. Like, I always thought it was funny, like, how we went from, like, hey, maybe we should get rapists out of this business to, like, I don't like what you're talking about in your stand up act. It was just like, what the fuck?

How do we get here? Crazy. Like my special that I put out, it got hit with limited ads. Like, it was totally fine. I did all the things you're supposed to do.

Fahim Anwar
There was a guy at YouTube who's like, he's like a liaison between stand ups who are putting out YouTube specials. I was doing all the things are supposed to re. Shafir is helping me out cuz he did it on his own too. And did you do re get around that? Because those fucking guys, you know how that works at YouTube is basically, you know, they'll sell advertisement on it.

Bill Burr
But if it gets flagged, yes. So, I mean, I'm on if he. Gets flagged this thing. And I said, okay, so if it gets flagged. So the average advertisement doesn't run.

And they go, no, it still runs. I go, who gets the money? YouTube keeps it. So what's to stop them from just going around flagging a bunch of fucking content and taking the money? Yeah.

Every single one of your podcasts gets is limited, limited monetization. Yeah, mine got hit with limited ads. And the limited is just me. It's not them. So they basically steal from me every fucking week.

Bill Burr
All of these guys, this whole fucking when I love this world too, where they. They're talking about these guys, these tech bros, like they're these frat guys with their hats turned around backwards. These are fucking nerds. And they're lying, thieving pieces of shit. That's what the fuck they are.

And nobody's going after them. Cause they got all of this fucking, all these idiots out there who are like, you know, if we get a bunch of republicans and we get a bunch of democrats in there, it's like, you're not, you're not. Look at the Senate. Look and look at the Congress. How fucking corrupt those people are, how much money they make a year versus what their portfolios are worth.

And if you're literally going to keep going, thank you, Joe Biden. Or you can blame Trump for that. I mean, you're a fucking moron. The president is basically standing at the kiosk telling you that your flight is canceled. And then you're like, you motherfucker.

Fuck. You know, the flight would have gone if you had a different colored tie. It's like, it's a little deeper than that. So. Sorry.

So that's where I am. So I like, my thing right now is I am trying to like. I'm trying to get people, like, to be like if we keep going at each other, all right, like, if I came at you and said, you afghani so and so, I don't trust you, even though you dress like Jay Leno, right? Yeah. Come on.

Fahim Anwar
Come on. Bill. What kind of car are you driving? No, I gotta look at people like, you know, wherever they sit, I look at them like they are dealing with what I'm dealing with right now, which is a select few group of people up on the corporate structure that are shrinking everything and they're keeping all the money. And that's why people are living under bridges.

Yeah, but it's easy just to. I figured it all out. He figured it out without reading anything. Yeah. All I want is my special to not be hit with limited ads.

But I'm screwed. That's not gonna help. Once they hit you with the stink, you can't get it off. And so your reach is suppressed and stuff. Why?

I said a word. I said a word. What did you say? I don't want that word to influence this. But it rhymes with baguette.

It rhymes with baguette. What would that be? It starts with an f. Oh, yeah. But here's the context of it.

So I was told it would be okay because it's in the context of the standard special. It's a contest. God hates the queers. The next thing you know, that's my famous joke, that God hates the queers joke. No.

And then Ari, I was like, can I say that in this? I'm worried about it. He's like, oh, no no. You could say that. I say it in my special.

Like, I scream. Ari is always a good person to go to. I know in hindsight, I'm like, I'm taking advice from this guy. Oh, you know? Absolutely.

But he's a sweetheart. People don't know that. He's a real sweetheart. No, he's. He's.

Bill Burr
He's a lovely man. Yeah. So he was kind of holding my hand through the whole YouTube self release process. And I thought I did all the things. And you.

Ari, Shafir is a man of the people. He is a man of the people. He is. He is a man of the people. And you upload the special ten days prior, you premiere.

Fahim Anwar
It goes through all its checks. YouTube, it said it was all good, no limited ads. And then a few hours after it, then it gets dinged and you're like, ugh. Cause I did Rogan. And you can see the hockey stick on the growth.

Cause that's how I do it. I timed to put the. They used to flag all of his stuff too, right? Oh, really? Oh, yeah.

Bill Burr
Taking all his money, he announced that. He was gonna leave. They were like, well, we gotta make some money. And then just started. They just started cooking.

Yeah, he was saying that when Joe said, fuck this, I'm leaving YouTube, then they unflagged all of his stuff to get more. Oh, wow. Yeah, no, it's just they're selective. Huh. They are straight up fucking criminals.

But it's. It's white collar crime. And you don't. You forget about. You don't go to jail.

You just. They don't even investigate it. Like, through up. Since about started a little more than 40 years ago, these corporate people, they, whatever, watchdrop groups that they had in the government, they infiltrated them. They put their own people in there.

Then they had the lobbyists going, and then they were paying off these things. So now nobody is watching them. Like, I don't think this country is nearly as bad as everybody is saying it is. If you could just get those people under control. Cause I have no problem with people controlling me, telling me what to do, tell me what the laws are.

But, like, I don't like seeing a sizable portion of my countrymen living under bridges. Being blamed for living under these fucking bridges. I think is that's kind of like the classic, you know, abuse, abuser where after their abuse leaves you fucking under a cardboard box, they call you lazy or you're not fucking doing anything. And then there's amazing thing going on in this country now. People living under bridges.

And then simultaneously watching these real estate videos of these impossible properties. Look at all this fucking front door. They flew this all the way in from Madagascar, and it's like, bigger than the house you grew up in. Just the front door. This thing has an infinity pool that leads to an infinity pool, right?

And it's just like, you fucking take enough people's salaries for your bonus, you get a house like that. And people, eventually the other end, they end up underneath a fucking bridge. Bridge. Oh, I went to the game, you know, from Seattle, so it was U Dub, Michigan, and we were walking around the city in Houston, and you walk. Under, who's U dub?

Fahim Anwar
University of Washington. Oh, all right. We got panics, man. Relax. Okay.

All right, let's have a first draft, guys. Uw. All right. Oh, w. Yeah.

Uw. And so we're walking under the bridge, and then they're piping classical music under the overpass because I guess that's supposed to be like a homeless deterrent that, like, they hear classical music and they're like, oh, let's get out of here. Or are they trying to calm them? I mean, I did a joke where I'm like, what if you have a refined homeless person now? They're like, Clarence passed the fentanyl.

Like, now they're all hoity toity. They're drinking tea and shit. Well, they start going clockwork orange. Cause they use that. But it's just so preposterous walking around.

Bill Burr
With these long fucking noses. Like, that's the solution to just piping classical music. Don't you wish that you could be in a meeting like that when that decision is made? Or like, spikes on a bus bench? You know what I mean?

Fahim Anwar
There's all these kind of not. Not a solution to the problem, just a late stage solution. It's hiding it. Let's. Let's just make it go away.

Bill Burr
Get it out of our. Yeah, our territory. What's a solution for pigeons? You know what I mean? Spikes on shit.

I know. And it didn't work with pigeons. It's not working with homeless people either. Yeah. If we could just get the homeless and the pigeons out of this country, just imagine there'd be plenty of money for everybody.

Yeah. That's when you, like, couch something in another bill. It's the pigeons homeless bill. And then it gets passed. That's another thing that I don't understand is why they're allowed to attach all this.

You should just be voting on what you're voting on, because then what happens as a politician to have some empathy for them? It's like, this guy voted against free ice cream for toddlers on Wednesday. And it's like. Cause this fucking nazi shit was attached to it. They don't have that.

It's. Yeah, it's horribly corrupt. That's why I don't watch the news anymore. And I just try to be nice to people and I try to have, like, you know, I try to try to have, like, a good interaction. I don't like, I don't know what to fucking.

It's certainly not going to get solved in by politicians, and it's not going to be solved by corporations with their fucking, you know, this is, you know, fancy free Fridays and you get to wear your regular clothes. It's not going to be solved by them. We kind of have to do it ourselves. It would be nice. I would be nice.

Fahim Anwar
I worked at a place where you. Well, yeah, but I. And then say Boeing aerospace. Yeah. Before.

Oh, didn't have any, like, whack. They've like, wagno, and it's not even a story. However. Yeah. Your special gets dinged.

Yeah. What's that? Is Boeing. Did any of their shit get dinged? Are they not getting full?

Bill Burr
They have minimal advertising on their websites. Yeah, I don't know how his screws. Are falling off the plane as they take off, or whatever they're suggesting. They're like, we listen to your complaints, and we're not killing whistleblowers anymore. This is new.

Fahim Anwar
That's the new Boeing is hire a new guy. This isn't your father's Boeing. Our. No more dead bodies. Yeah, I was there before all this.

Bill Burr
No more dead bodies. Just people that can keep their mouths shut.

Fahim Anwar
But it's. I want to get on a Boeing airplane that says Omerta on the side of it. What if. What is Omerta? Omerta was the oath you took of silence in.

Bill Burr
In the mob that if you get pinched, you're not going to give anybody's name. And what brought them down? I was watching this thing. What brought them down was the phone tapping was what? And then they really got him.

And then all of these guys, I don't know what happened. They started to get him to start rolling over on each other and. Yeah, it was, it was. Yeah, it was sort of like in the mafia. It was like when they went from giant shoulder pads to, like, the smaller ones in football.

It was like. It's completely different errors where people were just like, hey, you know, back in the day that you'd get caught and they would just be like, look, you do what you do, I do what I do. If you catch me, good, you know, I'm not saying shit to you. And that's when you just would take your sentence. Allegedly.

This is what happened. But then once they started tapping their phone numbers, their phones, I'm sorry, their home phones, they got him, like, dead to rights on it. And they came up with those. Was it those RiCo laws that brought it down? Yeah, the racketeering and all that.

Fahim Anwar
Is that how Giuliani got big? That was his claim to fame? Yeah. And what they did was they took out the mob, and then they took all of their scams for themselves, and. Then they applied it to the numbers.

Bill Burr
The mob took from the black community. Then they took it, and then the states took it as fucking the lottery. Now they're into gambling. They used to get shut down for gambling. Now gambling is all right, the sports leagues are into that.

Fahim Anwar
That player just got kicked out of the league for, like, how short sighted was that? You know what I'm talking about? He was gambling on a few games, an NBA player, and now he's, like, banned from the league. Obviously. I know, because they don't care.

Bill Burr
If you gamble and ruin your life, you're not gonna. Like, it's. It's what. What it really is, watching sports leagues getting involved with. With legalized gambling, is.

It's that corporate mentality where you just can't have enough money, like, say, what they did to the food supply. So it's like, I'm not going to grocery store. I'm going to go to a farmer's market. And then they fucking infiltrate that, because it's just God for fucking bid. God for fucking bid.

You know, you don't get your cut of a purdue chicken, you know, or whatever. Like, they're just fucking maniacs. So I think that sports leagues have always looked with jealousy at Vegas and stuff like that, that this is another pot. Hey, they're gambling on our leagues. Shouldn't we get a fucking taste of that?

It's really like. I don't know. It's a shameless thing, but it's always been shameless. I mean, they made money off of booze, you know? I mean, that was ruining people's lives.

You know, it's all how you do it. If you gamble with what you can afford or whatever. But I don't know. I will say, as a Patriots fan, just watching that whole fiasco with the Dodgers and watch that come and go as fast as it did, I'm just going, and what the fuck did we get accused of? How much money?

$17 million. How does that happen? How does your interpreter get your banking information? I mean, and they're like, all right. That all fucking checks out.

Play ball. It's just like, all right. Yeah, okay. Do you think if he wasn't as big of a player. 100%.

100% he would be out of the fucking league? Cause that's perfect. He would be perfect. A perfect person to make it look like they were actually policing this thing. You're not going to kick out asian Babe Ruth.

You're not doing that. International money. The international money that that guy's bringing. And then for even, like, some fucking guy like me, who for years made fun of Babe Ruth, going like, dude, he played in an all white league. He won a Cy young.

And the home run thing, it was a fucking beer league. And then to see a guy a hundred years later doing it, it's like, all right. Gives me a new perspective on Babe. So seeing it now, you're like, maybe that was possible back then. Well, I always thought Babe could play in any error, but I'm just saying.

I mean, come on. I mean, what are we doing here? He's also the only player that ever had a ballpark built to his fucking specifications. If you see the original house that Ruth built, the fucking right field wall was like a. Like a fucking two and a half foot chain link fence that if you backed up, you would have felt to catch a fly ball, you would have fell over it, but whatever.

Fahim Anwar
Yeah. You know, you see the roast. What do you think of that? I don't watch roast. Oh, yeah.

Bill Burr
I don't watch specials. I don't watch any of that shit. I watch sports. That's it. As you can tell.

Like, the way I broke down the mafia was shoulder pads. That's like my only reference. And people like, wow, man. He's like tying shit together. It's like, no, I just steer it all into the only thing that I kind of know about.

You haven't talked at all. Because I've had a second fucking coffee. I apologize. No, not at all, man. So tell us about that.

Fahim Anwar
Take your lead, bro. Tell us about starting at the funny bone in Afghanistan. You know, it's hard to get stage time. No, I started in Seattle. Communist city.

Bill Burr
Sure. Yeah. You know, let's see. Do you know it's Taliban run right now? Yeah.

Fahim Anwar
People are always like, do you go back? Well, first of all, I've never been there, right. But they go, have you gone? And I'm like, it's never a good time to go. Like, I'm not gonna get a summer home and Kabul or something, you know.

Bill Burr
I think the rates are probably pretty great. Rates, yeah, but the rates aren't. What's, you know, be funny. You brought some woman over there and just listen, I'm gonna be a dick for a week. Just.

You just gotta roll with it so we don't get killed. She's gotta wrap herself up. You just like, you got 10ft. 10ft behind me. Yeah.

Fahim Anwar
I was always thinking, like, the burqa is an over engineered solution, you know, cuz like, women always complain about catcalling and all that stuff. And you go, well, the burger's a solution. I love the burger. It's not the best solution. I love it.

Bill Burr
Have them pay for their own drinks. Have it now. Loud. Let's see what you got now let's see. An interesting conversation.

I think they should even have to wear fucking the glasses, he can't even see their eyes. Oh, wear the glasses over it. Yeah. And then it's like, if you ever, you impress me with your conversation, I'm just keeping with the massage. If you impress me, then I go, okay, you've earned the right to take off your sunglasses.

If I don't like your eyes, put them back on and take a hike. That's the America I remember.

No. Did you, did you ever do comedy underground in Seattle? I was gonna ask you. I worked with that guy Terry. Oh, that's, that's a giggles.

Yeah, we. So he used to, he did everything. He would be the waiter, he would be the bartender, he would be, he. Would trash up and coming comics. Yeah, dude.

Fahim Anwar
Oh, this guy. This guy's not gonna make it. You would say that. So funny. There was this thing called the Giggles laugh off.

And I was a guy, I was performing at this other place called laughs. So he kind of had animosity if you weren't a giggles guy. So he had his guy that he thought he was going to win, and then I ended up winning the giggles laugh off. And you're supposed to get Sonic's tickets. And then he gave him away.

I'm like, hey, can I have my sonic's tickets? And he's like, I gave him away to so and so. And I'm like, oh, okay. So he would just do shit like that. He's deceased now.

It's like, it's. He died. He died? Yeah, like with all his. Well, how did he die?

Bill Burr
Heart attack. I forget how he died. But he had his things, his quirks. But I still respect the guy for giving me stage time. And I cut my teeth there.

Are you just saying that cause he's dead or did you really? No. Even when he was alive. But I still don't love that he gave my sonic tickets away. He tried to pay me.

You remember what baseballs used to come in a big, big box and they would have like, the pictures of the baseball arm. You get like ten or like ten or twelve box. Yeah. At the end of the weekend, he had a box full of cash and it was fives, ones, twenties, tens, all fucking mushed up, saying, that's your money. I go, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that?

I'm supposed to walk through the airport with that? I go, grate me a check, and if it doesn't clear, my agent's gonna talk to you. He goes, oh, no. I go, yeah, I know you're not paying taxes. I do.

I'm not doing this. I'm not doing this. All right. What the, what the fuck are we doing here? I remember, just supposed to come walking through.

Give me a sawed off shotgun while you're at it. I'm sure I won't get flagged at the airport, but I love the club and I love the room, and I thought he was funny, and I thought he was trashing all of these comics. And I was. I would then. Which I would just trash him.

I go, no, listen to this guy. Look at him. Look how old he is, and look where he is. This is what he's got to do. Get nowhere, Terry.

And he would laugh. He had a sense of humor about it. If he did it, he would do. Comedy sometimes before the show, you'd do, like, five minutes up top. A lot of these club owners, sometimes.

They do a little Vinnie Brandt. I don't know Vinnie Brandt. Oh, Vinny Brand used to do the prank phone call. Cause he was doing his club every weekend. He couldn't write material fast enough, so he would have everybody pass these things, and he would do, like, a prank phone call, which would just encourage people from the audience to start screaming at the stage.

And we used to talk, oh, no. No, this is fine. It's like, no, dude, it's like, this isn't. This is not a good idea. But I gotta respect him.

He stayed with Vinnie. You stayed with that dumb idea. You did. You. You.

That's part of your brand now. I remember Patrice used to just be like. He used to talk to him every time he went out there, talked to him for an hour. Vinnie, stop doing it. It ruins the fucking show.

Fahim Anwar
Oh, you know, it was. What it was is he didn't want to pay another comedian. That's what it was. He was saving fucking money. He's going, Terry on that?

Bill Burr
Yeah, yeah, we had east coast terrorist, too. Well, yeah, yeah. He made so much money. No, I get along with Vinnie. He's one of my favorite people.

We get into it all the time. Cause he likes to act like he's broke. I'm not making a lot of money. It's like, dude, I've seen your house. You literally took me out in a boat.

Fahim Anwar
It was always cool when guys like you and I remember Louie would come through comedy underground. Tosh. Early on, per biglia, Gaffigan taped a special there. Like an audio special. So it was kind of like glimpses of, like, where you want to be, these guys passing through.

Bill Burr
No, but those, and those rooms were like everybody used to talk about a great town Seattle was to do comedy in because you would get out there. It was funny. My idea of Portland was weird. Cause I used to work that place. Harvey's?

Yeah, that guy, Barry. Did he die too? I don't know. But I would hear about Harvey's from Seattle, but I never played well. He used to just paper the room.

So I never really got. Portland people was just more like tables of people that all knew each other. So you would go there and just Tuesday, Tuesday through Sunday, it was two Friday, three, Saturday, and it would just be fucking packed with a bunch of people that felt they were, they were playing with house money, and they would just get fucking loaded. And from Tuesday on, you were just up there with a whip in a chair. It was just, everybody knew each other.

Like, oh, that's like mikey. Yeah, fucking, they were just doing that. I was just like, oh, my God. And then you'd go up there and then they would, they was like one of those cloud clubs. They were counting the amount of times you said, fuck.

Oh, you know, try not to say. You know, well, when they paid for. Too much, it's like, well, dude, try not to, try not to over serve people. There's a over serve to fuck ratio here that you're not, you know. Yeah, no, yeah, that guy was funny.

And he used to bring you around town like his girlfriend. He'd bring you, this is my headliner for the week, and he would sit there talking about his house in Palm Desert. They had this house out in Palm Desert. You sit there all week talking about how much money he was making is he wasn't paying you shit. I'm just like, you really don't have, you don't really have any filters, do you, buddy?

Fahim Anwar
When was that shift when you were just, like, playing papered rooms and stuff like that to when people are coming for you? Because that's a different experience. I did a half hour on HBO, and I started sitting it for Jim Norton because he was doing Louie's show on HBO, and I was on the Ona show. So it was like, it was always like, by the time I got somewhere in this business, by 2005, it was already becoming, you have to have this and this. It used to be like, dude, if you get on the myth was, if you get on the Tonight show with Johnny Carson and you killed on that, then all of a sudden you were selling out and blah, blah, blah, blah.

Bill Burr
But then I heard guys that actually did the show said, no, you had to do it a lot of times before you really saw, like, the bump. So I don't know. But I will say the one show that was like, that was Def comedy jam. If you went out Def comedy jam, I talked to some of the guys that did that show, said, man, if you went out there and you had a fucking set, like, it was. It was, you know, it was a thing because that was the only show for black comics, so everybody was watching it.

So when they killed, everyone would come out. You know, I talked to a couple of those guys. I was like, dude, next. Right after I did that, my set aired Wednesday night. I had a line around the block.

Who are those people waiting for? I was like, dude, they're waiting for you. And you're like, oh, it was like, sort of like that overnight thing. But so by the time I got to, you know, starting to try and sell tickets, it was like I had to get on, like, one of the biggest radio shows out there. I had to get on HBO.

I had my own podcast and my own touring. I had, like, three or four. There was one other thing in there.

Oh, and then that got me, like, clubs. Initially, the HBO and the ona thing got me on a markets and then some. The HBO thing got me kind of west coast stuff, like Seattle, I started doing all right. San Francisco I did all right, but in the middle of the country and the south, I wasn't doing well. And then I did the.

Yeah, I did the HBO thing, and then I went over to Netflix, and then that. I think it was that. No, HBO was a half hour. Don't. Then I did.

I did. Why do I do this? And I. One of the few good decisions I made in this business is I saw Netflix for what it was going to be, where I was just like, oh, they're going to all these countries. I can become an international.

And I wanted to start doing that. So it was probably that. And then getting on Netflix and then putting it out, and there was, like, no competition, dude. There wasn't. When I got on that in 2008, I remember I used to hang out with this other comic when they were really early on, and we used to watch the specials they had in, like, 2006 or seven.

They were fucking horrible. Oh, on Netflix, you mean? Oh, yeah. The shit that was on them. We used to just watch them to just laugh, going like, who the fuck is this person?

Oh, my God, this is. And very rapidly, you know, how quickly that company grew. But I got. I got on early, so that was what got me sort of the middle of the country and I think the south. I had to do like, two or three specials before I finally got the south.

And then. Yeah, it just sort of like. Yeah, it just sort of slowly went like that. So I kind of like. But what I do like, about how it worked out for me is I did have to touch all the bases.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You know, I don't know if you know, but this kind of. This business isn't looking for a bald ginger. So there wasn't like this.

Fahim Anwar
But also, there he is. Like, you're kind of my North Star. Like, you're one of my top guys. I don't know how you are. No, you are, man, because of, you know, like you say, like, no one's looking for a ball ginger and stuff, and you just being really, really good, methodical, touching all the bases and just chopping wood like that.

Like, I have a similar thing where I think sometimes people think like, oh, you're a diversity. They're always looking for that. But I don't really talk about being Afghan or Muslim or. It's not my. I talk about everything.

I'm very observational, and, like, they don't. That's why I like that. They don't want that. I love Ronnie. Ronnie's great.

Bill Burr
That was the thing that I loved about Ronnie Chang was when I saw him on a. I just saw a clip of him. I was on a plane, and this asian dude, he had an accent, so I knew he spoke another language, right? And English was his second language or whatever, and he was just talking about his life, and instead of him just being up there. So I'm asian, and I'm asian, and I'm asian.

And, you know, white people do this, and Asians do that. He was just up there talking about his life. He was being Ronnie. And I was like, I fucking love this guy. And he was based in Australia, and I did this run of dates out there.

I had him come on, you know. You know, very respectful, very respectful, very nice kid. And it was just like, I remember we ended that tour. I said, dude, just keep doing what you're doing. You got to do that.

Like, a week later, he's on the fucking Daily show. And went right by me. In this business. I was just like, jesus Christ. Was I?

And I remember saying to my wife, I go, that I fucking. You called it. Yeah, I was right. There was. There's a few people that I've seen.

You were one of those guys. I'm like, this guy's gonna fucking crush it. I remember seeing. I saw John Mulaney. He middled for me in.

Where the hell was it? Was that Zany's downtown. Downtown Chicago and looks like a big walk in closet. You know, it's a fucking great room. And I have never seen anybody like, he was on stage as like, he was new and he already looked like he had been like, hosting a talk show.

Like he was. I never saw a guy like, I was like, this guy is like, fully formed. Fully formed was. I mean, obviously he's gotten funny, but the level of fucking polished and funny, it was like, I was just like. You would have to be like, there was no.

There wasn't even a manager dumb enough to realize that this guy wasn't going to make it. It was like he was just. Yeah, I was looking at him going like, why isn't this guy headlining? He has more fucking charisma and poise than I do.

Fortune was another one. Yeah. Was another one that I saw. I was just going like, she steph toll of. And just you some once while you just see somebody and you're like, like, that.

That is a no brain. Gerard Carmichael was another one where you like, all right, this guy's gonna fucking blow up. I don't know, but I like, I like seeing that, though. I'm not one of those people that. Because I.

When I started out, there was. It was the eighties dip, you know, the party was over. So if you worked with a bitter headliner, they would try and fucking discourage you. Like, oh, man. I'm telling you, if I was you, I'd get out now.

It was funny. I was like a 23 year old kid, and I had no idea how to block that out. I was just like, really? Is that what I should. There's still time to get out.

Yeah. There's this quote, you know, I've heard you say when, when Chappelle gave you some advice or whatever, is it gonna be longer for you? Yeah. What was, what was the specific thing? He looked at my hairline.

He's just like, it's not gonna happen. No, no. He was just sitting on the stairs waiting to go on, and he. And he listened. He heard my set and what I was doing, and whatever he heard, he really liked.

He said, your angle is. He's like, I remember, man, it's so fucking dope. He goes, mama tell you it's gonna take you longer to get there, but when you get there, you're gonna hit hard. And dude, believe me, I fucking held onto that for like, years when I would be like, like, you know, laying in a fucking comedy condo Tuesday through Sunday, two Friday, three Saturday. 1500, all inclusive, minus taxes.

I think I made $300. I used to make $300 unloading trucks fucking 20 years ago. Like, what am I doing? I'm sleeping on a futon. What the fuck am I doing here?

I would just. Dave Chappelle thinks I'm funny. Dave thinks I'm funny, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then, and then certain, like, people would come up to you and they would just say something, you know, I've been coming to this comedy club for a long. You're the funniest guy.

Like, you keep to you, something's gonna happen for you. And, like, those people had no idea, like, what that means to a comedian to hear that, because it is a. It is a fucking grind. And if this. If you're simultaneously.

And you're out there, dude. Oh, man, I worked with some people. Like, do you ever work with the fucking guy that's semi living in his car? And they would have, they would have, like, that, that coat rack in the backseat with all of their fucking clothes, and then they would try to sell. It's great, man, you know, because I just, I just, you know, all I got to worry about is Monday, Tuesday, and then my Monday night.

And a lot of times, you know, the comedy club, they're cleaning the comedy condo, and if I just vacate, they're cool with me staying there. And then, you know, I just do, like a 15 hours drive to Salt Lake City. And then, you know, just, I don't even have a house. I just have somebody that collects, like, my. I don't have an address.

They were like, back when you could, like, not have an address. They would have a PO box. And I just remember I would be, like, listening to these guys. And those were the guys where it was like, that was more like past the midwest and you got to the northern. Like, those guys that would.

I forget who the guy was, would book these runs, but they were like, you'd get off stage and get in your car and have to start driving to make the next one. Cause your gigs were in, like, Montana into, like, North Dakota, South Dakota. Those guys, like, there's a run of fucking dates up there that, like, you could have, like, that show could have gone on right after ice road truckers and would have totally done fine. I remember, like, listening. I.

There's a buddy of mine from Boston did some of those gigs, and I was just. Just sitting there listening to him. And it was. It put a lot of things into perspective when I was sitting there, you know, having to drive all the way up to the top of New York or fucking Vermont or something, bitching about that. It's like, these guys are driving twice that to go play a bar.

And I was like, no. Yeah, those. How long is it from when you got that little pep talk from Chappelle to, like, when you started noticing like, oh, shit, it's coming true. Or like, he was right. Everything my life was, everything in my businesses was always incremental.

It was like, you know, probably three years after. Well, I mean, I got on his show. Oh, yeah, did a few of those things. And then I did the tour with rest is sold, Charlie Murphy and Donnell Rawlings. And even then, people looking at me like, you know, do you write on the show?

Are, you know, are you from Des Moines? You know, they just thought I was some local white guy that they threw up there, or they just assumed that I was the writer on the show. And I was like, no, I'm in sketches, you. And then they would always go, the mad real world. Were you that guy?

No, that was Christian Finnegan. That was another white guy. I did a Montreal comedy festival. You know, got a. Got a deal, didn't go anywhere but off the deal.

I was able to buy an apartment. So that was my first sort of like, you know, still had the futon, but I had my priority straight. I was like, you gotta get the apartment. Gives a fuck what you're sleeping on. And then on a HBO.

And then why do I do this? And the Netflix thing? So I would say probably around 2009, eight or nine, I started and I started in 92, so it was like 17 years. And then since then it's been this slow kind of thing.

Yeah, a little acting thing in this little acting thing in that, you know, it's pretty great. Like, your career is a great. I love the way you say, just parachuting into some cool Hollywood shit. Paratrooping. Paratrooping.

Fahim Anwar
Yeah, that's the best way to do it. Like, I stand up to your base and you get to be in the Mandalorian. You get to do, like, taste all these little things. Chappelle show a couple of sketches, couple episodes of Breaking Bad, couple episodes of Mandalorian. And then people start looking at you like, you know, like, you know what you're doing.

Bill Burr
And it's just like, I don't know why those things happen, but, like, I am forever indebted to Dave and Neil, Vince Gilligan, Jon Favreau, and all of those people that, like, you know, like, off of. Off of Breaking Bad. All of a sudden, I get a cool part in with Fisher Stevens gave me a real cool part in this movie called stand up guys. And, you know, it was because of Vince Gilligan that they actually. I was kind of able to, like, do this stuff that I knew I could do, that I would do in acting class.

But they just were so, like, oh, you're a comedian. You're a comedian. He's put on the red nose and stuff and. Which I always thought was funny. Cause it was kind of like, are you really listening to comedians talking about their lives?

Cause there's all of this drama that they're talking about. They're just making it funny, but, like, they. They're now making it funny. But he or she experienced that, so they. There's plenty to draw on there.

Enough at least to give, like, a comedian a shot, I would. I would think. But that's not how this business works. I used to say I was in the redhead drawer, so it was just basically, if they needed. And the redhead in Hollywood, like, everybody's like a box.

Fahim Anwar
Like, you know, filing cabinet. Like, okay, how about Bill Burr? You're a terrorist, right? And I'm like, the guy. I'm trying to do less of those, you know, that is my bread and.

Bill Burr
Butter, but, yeah, and I'm the redhead, so I don't get the girl or the gun. I help out the cool guy. Like, that's what it was. And it was, you know, and I was, oh, you know, I don't know shit. You know, I'm fucking pasty, right?

So through them on breaking bad, getting me to play this guy, and just the superior writing, editing, and all of that. What a show. There's. The way they did it was such an efficiently run show that as long as you came in there with some solid choices, all of those shows that I mentioned, you're gonna look like a champ. Like, people, you know, when they.

Oh, my God. You know, when you did this thing or that thing, it's like, dude, you realize that that was. I didn't improv that. Like, that was like, yeah, so all I got to do is just perform it, and then they. You know, Rick family, while all these amazing people that I've worked with, they shoot it and they make you look like a champ.

Bill Burr
And, you know, it's. Yeah, I definitely. Yeah, I definitely. I don't. Like.

I'm really lucky. Really lucky, like, with so much shit that. That I don't know how it ended up. It ended up happening, so. Yeah, yeah.

Fahim Anwar
The slow dress. Yeah. Knockoff it is. Yeah, it is. Cuz when I look at like, like I have empathy.

Bill Burr
Like say that, like that, that Matt rife kid who I've never met, but. Like to get that kid like, yeah. That fucking quick is. That's a precarious thing. Like, I always look at it like I could, I could never have handled that.

Fahim Anwar
Well, luckily he'd been doing it for. He's put his time in the stand up. So like, it's not like he just put a TikTok out in one year and was just fucking huge even. How old is he? He's young, 25.

Bill Burr
There's no way in my twenties I could handle that, you know, just coming from where I was mentally. So I'm always amazed, like Kevin, Hart, Dane, all of them where it happened, in their twenties or maybe just into their thirties, like fast, like fast. Dane was a little bit longer, but Kevin was super fast. And how quickly he learned because I remember reading a script with him and he had no clue with acting. He took like one class and then came back was way better.

And then like two months after that was testing for a pilot. I'm like, you want to run the lines? And he just goes, nah, man, I feel pretty confident. I was just like, wow, I wish I had that. Yeah, I would be like muttering, yeah, and then he booked it.

Fahim Anwar
Wow. And then after that, you know, I mean, he did what, did he book that? Then he did a 40 year version which still I think is the fucking, one of the funniest scenes in there. And then, and then he did the soul plane. And then after that it was just.

Bill Burr
And in the way he handled it, there was never any, like, it didn't seem like any sort of like how I would have to be. Okay, now I'm at this level, it's pretty, getting pretty, you know, thin air up. How are you with that? Because like, obviously as you ascended and stand up and stuff, you get these opportunities to audition. How are you in the audition?

Fahim Anwar
Are you pretty chill? Are you nervous? Or like, how do you handle it? I was a fucking wreck when I was first doing it and then I wanted. And then because I sucked at it, I started hating auditioning and everything.

Bill Burr
And I was just like, you know, I would just fuck this, I'm just gonna do stand up. I don't like, you know, I would get all mad just really? Cause I was embarrassed at how bad I was doing and. But I always stayed in acting classes. I always stayed in them because I knew eventually this leads to that and, and I know that I was at some point I was going to get a big at bat and I didn't want to swing in a miss, but I would watch guys like Chris Rock.

Bring the pain was a huge thing to see where I was like, here's a fucking guy who, you know, got on SNL. It didn't happen form the way other then he wanted to get on in living color. He got in right as it was going down and, you know, there was like a period there where that's the thing where you just slide back down the other side. Then he does bring the pain and next thing you know, I'm looking at him, he's like second lead in a Morgan Freeman movie. And I was just like, this stand up thing has a lot of power, right?

I mean, Bobby said, brandon, you had to do a special that hit as hard as his bring the pain did, which I don't know, I don't know if you can do that anymore just with the sheer amount of stuff out there. But I remember the buzz off of that thing and then he did the Chris Rock show and then he was doing these movies and stuff. So that was like a huge thing to see. Like, all right, if I, you know, keep taking these acting classes so I know what the fuck I'm doing in a scene, but like, if I'm just gonna stand in the actor line so hard, I don't know how, like, that's not my thing. But if I, if I can just keep, you know, keep the acting thing going and my stand up keeps growing, eventually I'm gonna, I was hanging on to that.

Not gonna lie to you. I thought it was gonna happen way quicker than it did, you know, but. But it all kind of worked out, you know, the way it was supposed to, but I don't know, I don't have any answers. Yeah, that's interesting. You know, I feel like I'm on your podcast.

Fahim Anwar
Well, I never have a chance to like ask you these questions and talk in length and you can say, me or you. I am. Yeah. I mean, you're nice though. You say hello when you come in, but you're about the business, so that's why I mentioned that thing up top.

No, what? I'm trying to get in and out of there before somebody, you know, like. Talks your ear off. Yeah, with a sweaty hand or somebody that is trying to get me to do their. I also produce shows.

Bill Burr
Oh, I get it. So you're gonna have me go in there and you're not gonna pay me any money and you're gonna take all the money? Is that how it's gonna work? You know, that's the longer version, but. Yes.

Yeah, I got a thousand seater. I can pay you $100 if you come down. You know, you won't be advertised. It's like, well, then how are you gonna sell it out? Like, what are you gonna.

Like. There's always some sort of bullshit going on, so I try to avoid that. I see. But, yeah, this is stuff I've always wanted to ask. So when you had me do your Roxy show, that was fun to do, but I was more excited just to, like, chat with you in the green room, because that was the longest conversation that we've had.

Fahim Anwar
Cause I know you mentioned when you. Say it's like a guilt trip all of a sudden. No, no, no. Not at all. I'm saying, like, I enjoy this, you know?

All right. Like, for me, it was, like, cool to, like, chop it up with you, because, like, I'm a big fan and. Yeah. And I would have no idea. Look at that.

Bill Burr
I'm selling tickets in Afghanistan. I don't. I wouldn't go that far, but is. There a little Afghanistan in Seattle, maybe? I'll do a.

I'll do a coffee house there. You think the Chaz. They should bring that back. Remember the Chaz during that whole, like, George Floyd thing? They, like, set up a few blocks, and they're like, we're the Chaz.

Fahim Anwar
Like. Like we're our own government and stuff? It was like Super Seattle. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It lasted maybe, like, a week, and then they're like, all right, this was fun.

Bill Burr
Why do they always come up with the worst fucking names? The Chaz? Yeah. I don't know. Well, see, like, white privilege.

The first time I heard that, I was just like, I didn't grow up rich. It's like. That's not what it means. It's like, why would you word it that way? But what is the point if, you know, if the people you're directing it at don't understand it right?

Fahim Anwar
Or, like, defund the police? Like, that's what white privilege is. White privilege means you can start your own government, and the FBI doesn't come in and infiltrate it. They're like, yeah, they're white. We don't have to worry about that.

Bill Burr
That's fine. You can have your own militia group with your own american flag, whatever color you want, and get semi automatic weapons, and nobody tries to break that up. Yeah, that's crazy. I like those militia groups. They're just.

They're mad at the wrong people, they should be going after CEO's, but for some reason, they seem to be going after people who get intimidated at the voter booth. Like. Like they're the ones. That's the reason the country's messed up. But I, you know, it's.

It's. It's almost like a golf swing. You know what I mean? You're just slicing it to the right. If you come back to the left and get these fucking CEO's, you'd be doing us all a favor, buddy.

That's when they would go in and shut them down. Yeah, you watch. If they go out and they do something against a minority, it's gonna be like. Well, you know, it's a first 2nd amendment issue. If they were to go out CEO hunting.

There you go. So, anyways, we're at the Roxy. Oh, yeah, yeah. And we're chopping it up. Chopping it up.

Fahim Anwar
So it was just fun for me, you know, it was cool. All right, well, you know, if I wasn't so fucked up, I guess maybe you could have more of those moments. You don't need to do this for me. But I, you know, I take. There's a novelty in it, you know?

Bill Burr
What, me in a good mood. Well, the positive affirmation that. I mean that. But, like, I think you. Fucking hilarious.

Fahim Anwar
I know. I know. Thanks, man. It's totally original. Yeah.

Like, you're the Chappelle. You're the kind of fucking comedian. I could watch your act because you're so much different than I am that I don't have to worry about, like, your jokes floating around in my head, and, like, seven years later, one of your tags or premises or setups comes out. Cause that's what I'm trying to avoid, especially now where there's, like, so much content. Yeah, yeah.

Bill Burr
But, like, Netflix alone is doing 168 this year. I think. What, they're doing three a week? I don't know. But, like, Chappelle saying that thing to you, like, you've done it to me, you know?

Fahim Anwar
So, like, that has held me for a bit. Like, well, that's what you're supposed to do. You're supposed to. You're supposed to help out the youngsters. Yeah.

Bill Burr
Coming up. Good Lord. How old am I? You're 40. And I'm going, you're a youngster.

So where can I say. Where can people see this? Oh, YouTube. Just my YouTube channel. Oh, that's right.

Fahim Anwar
Yeah, yeah, YouTube.com. All right. And buy some tickets to his show, because YouTube's gonna steal all his money. Yeah. Oh, thanks, man.

Yeah, Instagram, too. So just for he manoir and everything, the new special is called House money. I had him. I have another YouTube special that I did before this one at the comedy store called Hat Trick. I love that one.

Oh, cool, man. I watch it. Damn. Yeah. I don't have any hacks on this podcast.

Bill Burr
These are all, you know. No cupcakes. Yeah.

All right. So are you a sports fan? You watch cursory a little bit. You know, they took. Do we have a cricket team, horse racing?

What is your country into? What are we into? Soccer, I guess. The horse game, right? Oh.

Fahim Anwar
Oh, my God. Yo, it's so funny. My dad took me and my brother to go see Rambo three when we were way too young, just because it was set in Afghanistan. Like, this was a history lesson for us or something. Like, Rambo's in Afghanistan, or it was.

Bill Burr
Sort of a prequel. Yeah. To what's gonna happen for things that were. But that's how devoid of, like, any afghan culture in Americana that there is that. That, like, he's taking us to a hard r movie when we're way too young to go see Rambo and they're.

Playing watch an italian guy kill happy. No, he helps us out. I think. He. Oh, he does.

Fahim Anwar
He helps us out. Wait, I saw Rambo three. Is that the one where he has the. The bow and arrow that has the explosives on and he shoots. Oh, dude, that.

Bill Burr
What that was as far as action movies, that. I don't know if that ever. That ever got surpassed. Dude, we were all in the movie theater just went, ah, what the fuck? Just vaporize that guy.

Fahim Anwar
Yeah, so he was playing bus cashy where it's like, polo with a dead sheep's carcass or something. Yeah, I could be getting the animal wrong. He's a really good polo player. A sly. Yeah.

Did you see the. Did you see the Netflix documentary on him? Dude, so good. When his dad. Yeah.

Bill Burr
Fucking went Claude Lemieux on him. That was one of those heartbreaking things in polo, right? And then he's literally in the. Dude, you knock him off a horse, he could have broke his fucking neck. Can you imagine doing that to your own son?

Fahim Anwar
I know. Yeah. What is that? Usually you have to be, like, into the bible to do some dumb shit like that. Right.

Bill Burr
But I think this was just pure narcissism. I don't know what jealousy. I was just like. I was just like. That was one of the.

Yeah, that was fucking heartbreaking to watch. Yeah, that was a good documentary. I liked that. No, because when you see it, you still see sly as successfully as he is. You see this son looking at his dad like, why is it so hard to just, you know, to be happy for me?

Fahim Anwar
Yeah. What. What is that? And that? Oh, my God.

Bill Burr
That. That'll. Yeah, that'll give you the drive you need to make it in this business. Yeah, I guess. All right, so that was sad, what I didn't get into.

What's. What's. What's your story? Oh, yeah. I mean, I loved the Sonics when I was a kid growing up, but then they took our team, they went to OKC.

Fahim Anwar
So we've been devoid of a team for a long time. I know, but now you got the Kraken. That's true. They love the Kraken, and it's doing. Great, which should bring the NBA back.

We're going to get a new team soon, right? I thought we were close to getting the Kings, and then that kind of got squashed. So I think when they do another expansion round, the Kings move again. Like, the Kings, I swear to God, were the Rochester Royals, then the Cincinnati Royals, then the Kansas City Kingston, and then the Sacramento Kings. I'm.

Bill Burr
I think that's what they were. They're on their fourth. They're on their fourth. They go, maybe it's you at that point. Maybe it's you.

It's. A lot of teams have passed through Kansas City. Like the. The Philadelphia A's became the Kansas City A's, became the Oakland A's, which now might be the Vegas. Las Vegas.

Fahim Anwar
Oh, yeah. And then the last one. Seagrams. Oh, the Rochester Seagrams. I'm sorry.

Bill Burr
To the Rochester Royals, Kansas City Omaha kings. Kansas City Omaha Kings. Yep.

Kansas city kings, and then Sacramento kings. All right, then the last one. The Kansas City scouts then became the Colorado Rockies, who then became the New Jersey Devils. In hockey, even the Colts started in New England. The cult started in New England, started in Indianapolis.

Yeah. Like the club itself. Yeah. There's a lot of weird shit like that. There's a lot of weird shit like that where, like, the fucking.

The Yankees started in St. Louis and then moved and became. Oh, no, no. They started in Baltimore with the first version of the Orioles, and then they moved up. New York Highlanders, then became the Yankees, and then the St.

Louis Browns moved to Baltimore and became the second Baltimore Orioles. Yeah. Internet, any of the stuff? Yeah, I just take it for what it is, I guess. Seahawks.

Fahim Anwar
I like the Seahawks. That's easy. One set, like, one Sunday a week. I can watch that. Baseball, so many games.

Basketball. There's a ton of games. But I could do one Sunday. Yeah, you can do a Sunday. Throw your mortgage on it like the NFL wants.

Bill Burr
Okay. All right. Well, it's been wonderful to chat with. Thanks, man. Yeah.

Fahim Anwar
Honest with you, this has been Disneyland for me. For real? Yeah. When he's like, hey, do you want to come by, promote this? But I go, are you fucking for real?

Yeah. The special is called house money. You can see it on YouTube. He's not going to make any money off because it's going to get flagged. So what you guys should go do.

Bill Burr
I'm. I am giving this. I am. I am saying, I am vouching for this man. You go see him, you're going to see top shelf a level material.

You better have a killer new officer I'm working on. Yeah. Where are you going to be? I'm doing mothership at the end of the. So, 24th of the 26th, mother.

Fahim Anwar
Yeah. And then I'm off for a bit till I kick up the tour again in the fall. So. Fahiman or.com for dates. Okay, so when is the rogue 1?

May 24 to the 26th. There you go. May 24. May 26. The best new comedy club out there.

Bill Burr
Joe Rogan's mothership in Austin, Texas. You can go see Fahim Anwar. Anwar amoir. All the things. Armoire.

All of those things. So nice to have you on. Same, dude. Thank you so much. Yeah.

I'm a huge, huge fan. All right. Thank you, guys. Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew Themalis. And we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday.

Monday morning podcast, everybody. Great weekend. You can't.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 22, 2016. What's going on? Yeah, once again, I got computer issues here that I got to get fixed. When I get back to Los Angeles.

I am in. I'm in Seattle. Seattle, Washington, right now, which I got to tell you, man, if you come to Seattle in May or June when the sun is out, it's like you want to live here. It really is one of the most beautiful cities in the United States. If you can just deal with overcast skies from, like, October through April, and these people pay the price, but when the sun comes out, it's fucking unbelievable.

So I'm here with Nate Craig, who's been crushing it this whole fucking tour, and we just went out to get some eats like a couple of tourists. We go, you want to go down to the fisherman place where they're throwing the fish and everything. So we're like, yes. We start walking down there, and of course it's mobbed. And I say to them, I go, you realize that nobody from Seattle fucking goes down here, you know, unless they're on, like, a first date or, you know, your dad and mom are taking you down there to go see it, but I would think that you would avoid it.

So we didn't go all the way down in. We just kind of kept walking. We got a little bit, you know, we walked along that main drag. We just got a little bit away from it. And after wading into that sea of fucking humanity, I was literally like, dude, I will eat mediocre food if I don't have to stand in a line.

I can actually sit down like a human being.

I know the food is good, but I just don't understand. You're standing in, like, a fucking bread line like it's the middle of a war or some shit. All right? You live in the United States of America. We don't stand in fucking line for food.

We waddle our fat asses up. You just hand it to me. So I'm not gonna name the place, but I went to this place. It was halfway. The bread fucking stunk, you know what I mean?

How do you make fucking king crab only taste okay? You know how you have shitty bread? Other than that, it was, uh. It was definitely a good time. And, um, such a beautiful city, despite all the dirty white people up here.

There's a major fucking, you know, I want to avoid using the word grunge. I think that was just a nice way. Just dick fucking. There are some dirty fucking white people up here. I don't.

I don't understand it. Just. They're in Denver. Those are the two. The two filthiest white people that actually have money.

Like, you're. You have too much money to be that filthy. Like when you go to Denver, those fucking dreadlocked, like, man sandalware and always looking like you just got off a fucking. One of those blow up tubes, you know, smoking your fucking weed, whatever the. Whatever they're doing out there, you know, hairy armpit type of shit.

Worse than San Francisco. I don't mind any of those styles if you bathe. I mean, it's 2016. Jesus Christ up here. It's like they're like, this is probably just me being an old man.

I can honestly say none of them smelled, but they just. They look like, you know, you wouldn't want to borrow anything that they used?

Why am I starting off this meme? I started off so nice. I was saying how beautiful it is. It's such a. The layout of the city is fucking perfect.

And they. Even with their new stadiums that they made, like, I actually am old school as far as. I loved it back when they just had the kingdom, you know, and they had that great, like, when the Seattle SuperSonics had, like, you know, that. The skyline. I know that they had the space needle, and I believe they had the kingdom there.

Unless it was supposed to be Keyarena, I have no idea. But those two arenas were and are two of the coolest places ever. I saw a Seattle SuperSonics game there the last year they were there, and it was Kevin Durant's first year somewhere, I don't know. I have a picture of him in the Seattle Seahawks, Seattle Seahawks, Seattle Sonics, I should say uniform. And then back in the day, when I was just doing college gigs, traveling the road by myself, driving a Chrysler.

Chrysler, Keika. There I went to a game, Seattle Mariners game at the Kingdome, and Ken Griffey junior was still on the team. This is how long ago it was. This was like the late nineties, possibly early two thousands. I forget when he went to the Reds, but I deliberately, I bought us one single center field seat, and I got almost at the front row.

I think I was the second row. And this is some sports fan geek shit. I sat there because not only did I want to watch Griffey play, but I also wanted to, like, every night on SportsCenter, whenever they showed a game at the kingdom and somebody hit a home run, there was like this weird little Runway, like aisle way, and you'd see people chasing after the ball. And I wanted the opportunity to. To do that, which I did all by myself.

I didn't get the fucking ball, and so, whatever. But having said all that, if you ever visit Seattle in May or June and it's all sunny, and you're like, oh, my God, I could live here. Make sure you come back in like January or December or some. One of those fucking, you know, I understand Kurt Cobain now. One of those months.

But anyways, we're. We're performing there tonight. I'm recording this podcast Sunday afternoon, because I got to get back and go back to the writers room. Working on episode five, everybody. Five out of number ten.

And once we get this one done, it's all downhill from there. Really excited about this episode, and I don't know, I'm hoping you guys are going to like it. But anyways, so big thank you to everybody who came out into Edmonton last night, who went out to Calgary. Calgary might have been the best sound I've ever heard at a show. I was standing backstage, and Nate Craig was on stage.

I mean, the backstage era. And usually in most venues, when you're standing to the side of the stage, you can barely understand the person, just the way the sound is bouncing around. I'm sure it's fine in the house, but, like, you know, so many times I'll be with Bartnik or versey or something, they'll literally just be like, dude, you hear that new bit I did about blah blah, blah? And I was like, you know, I was trying to, but I couldn't quite hear it because of the sound. I was standing almost, like, directly behind where and behind a curtain where Nate was on stage, and I could hear the guy absolutely perfectly.

And it was just f. Was fucking awesome. It was just a great gig, both of the gigs. And then the next day, you know, we got up, we drove up to Edmonton, which, believe it or not, I've done that drive, like, three times, and just beautiful, beautiful fucking country up in Canada. Absolutely gorgeous.

I would go out of my fucking mind. I think if I did the road. Enough, though, if I just flew to. Other places, then I could come back. That's how I really view all these places, you know, that are considered the middle of nowhere.

They're like these paradises. But I think I would lose my mind if all I did was live out there. Like, I understand the people when they come up to you. They're like, oh, my God, I want to get out of here. You know, this is the middle of fucking nowhere.

And I'm always, you know, coming from LA where everybody's living on top of each other and we have no water and shit. I'm like, dude, you are living in the Garden of Eden, okay? This is as good as it gets as far as natural resources, four seasons and that type of shit. Although it was cold as fuck when we were up there. It's for May anyways.

I mean, the last night in Edmonton, it was actually sleeting fucking crazy, but we ended up driving, obviously, up to Edmonton. And that night at the gig, this might have been the weirdest fucking venue I've played in a long time. It was essentially. I took a picture of it. It was essentially a giant tent that had a little bit of an upper deck in the back, and there was no carpeting, like, behind me.

They didn't you had all this fucking equipment for the lights and everything. And they usually, they dress it up. They put a curtain there so people don't have to look at it, but they didn't. It was like this giant eyesore behind me. And I was standing on, like, this concrete slab that had no.

No carpeting, no nothing. The floor was all concrete. They just had chairs, the sides of the walls. I didn't know what they were made of. All I know was I was on stage.

I felt like I was, like, screaming in a giant garage. It seemed loud to me, but I couldn't tell if it was loud. I didn't see anybody complaining, but, like, my ears are kind of ringing today, and I got a couple of tweets. People were saying, like, dude, you sounded like you were yelling into a megaphone, into a microphone. So my apologies.

I wish somebody mentioned something on one of the shows. I would have toned it down, but sometimes when you up there, you can't hear yourself. But I ended up, I sent a picture to Nia, and I should have had the tweet of the message she sent me, the text that she sent me, she said, that looks like a venue where one of those, those fake televangelists, you know, have plants in the crowd and they go to, like, cure them and shit. And I'll post a picture of it. And as always, I always say, I'll fucking do it then.

I never do, but I'll try to do it this time. You know what? Whatever. If you follow the MMP on, on fucking. On Twitter, maybe it'll be up there.

I have no idea. But before I go any further, I forgot to mention the all things comedy network is. Is really doing well. I, because I'm a terrible businessman. I never bring it up.

But, um, we got some people to invest in it. We're going to start creating some more content and that type of stuff, and, you know, really try to, I don't, join forces with other comics and hopefully make some comics some money off of that thing and get you guys some good comedy. Everybody works. We keep the big fuck ohs out of the way, you know, or very least, you know, keep them from taking the rights of everybody's fucking shows, you know, that always seems to be like, the. The business plan.

Like, okay, yeah, we'll invest all right. We own everything. You work for us, you go fuck yourself. We'll sleep in bed and make mailbox money, and you'll be on the road when you're 90. Sound good?

No, it doesn't. Well, it's gonna be good exposure. That's what they always say. If any young comics out there, anytime anybody tries to pay you an exposure, anytime they say it's good exposure, that means you're getting fucked.

Alright. Also this Thursday, I'm doing a charity show this Thursday, 08:00 p.m. at the comedy store. 100% of the money goes towards helping children who are fighting cancer to have as normal of childhood as possible while they're going through the treatment and all that. The tickets are available at the comedy store after the show.

We'll put up a link for anyone who can't make it if they want to donate. Steve Simone puts the thing together, and he's been doing great things. He's been having comics go to hospitals and stuff like that. This is a charity that I can get behind. Which brings me back to the mysterious red Nose campaign.

So a bunch of people were looking into that, found it very vague, and now I guess it helps out poor children. That's why you have the clown noses, which is hilarious to me because I think it's pretty much mainstream knowledge that clowns kind of scare the shit out of most children and a lot of adults. I just don't understand why you got to have this stupid clown nose. What are you going to do with that fucking thing other than just throw it out? And then it's going to be, you know, it's going to end up in the fucking ocean and then back in the fish that you eat.

It's so fucking dumb. Like, it's not enough to just say, listen, we are helping out poor children. Do people still say, nah, I don't. Want to do that? You got to be like, well, what if we give you a little red nosey nose?

You're like, okay, that sounds like a good idea. That's such, like a fucking, I don't know. I think it's like a hacky charity thing. It all started with the, I think it was the AIDS ribbon was the first thing, or was it the quilt? And then came the Lance Armstrong live strong things, right?

And I don't know, somewhere in there was the super finger. I have no fucking. I don't, I don't pretend to know these things. Um, anyways, what am I? Where the hell am I?

My, this fucking new thing is driving me nuts. I'm so used to not having to look at these fucking, this garage band shit. Um, oh, here's a nice creepy thing. It's really not a nice creepy thing. It's just sort of a fucking creepy thing.

So we rented this car when we drove up from Calgary to. Drove up to Edmonton from Calgary, and we had the thing. Actually, we picked it up at the airport and, yeah, we were driving over to the casino. That's what it was, driving over the casino. And I find.

I just look on the dashboard, I'm like, what the fuck is that? What is that on the. I'm like, is that a camera? I think it was a camera, and I think it was pointed at us because there was nothing in the front. I don't know if it was the GPS antenna.

I don't know what the fuck it was, but it was really creepy. So I, of course, threw a fucking newspaper over the goddamn thing. And when I got back to the hotel, I looked up about cars and cameras, and I found this article here. It says, is your rental car company spying on you and you're driving? Here's how they do it, all right?

Rental car giant Hertz has admitted it has cameras installed in about one in eight of its cars in the United States. But those cameras, built into Hertz's never lost dashboard assistant that offers routing help and local city guides have never been turned on. Give me a fuck it, really? You spent all that money and you never turn them on, you lion cunts. Hertz has said loudly and repeatedly, they've never turned them on.

Understand that Neverlost six was launched by Hertz in early 2014. The product has been out there for over a year, and only now is it causing flap. Probably because most renters began noticing a creepy camera pointed at them. Understand, too, there are excellent reasons to worry about car rental companies spying on drivers, but very probably never lost six is not one of them. Hertz said it lacked the bandwidth to use the cameras anyway, but has been so scorched.

But it scorched so severely in the media flap of the past weeks that industry experts indicated that Hertz now would be just about the last company to spy on its customers. Does any of that make any sense that you put a camera in there and then you wouldn't use it, you'd install a camera and, oh, we're just a little mom and pop place. We don't have the fucking bandwidth for it. Some of this shit's funny. They actually find some people, like hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars using this shit.

And basically, you know, when you rent a car and they go, okay, you got to stay in the tri state area or you're not leaving California, right? Some fucking guy, he ended up. He left California, went to Nevada, and then Arizona, and then they gave him a. I don't know where the fuck it was. He was slapped with a bill of $3,405.05 by adding $1 per mile to each of the 28, 74 miles he had driven because he had crossed the California state line into Nevada.

To me, that's funny, okay? Because that guy's a piece of shit. He lied to the car company, all right? I'm not just saying Hertz is a piece of shit. People who buy rental cars and they treat them like shit are also pieces of shit.

To sit there and film people. And then, you know, they're going to start recording conversations. Do you understand? Like, in the future, okay, you go to run for president. Like, what could, like, bring you down is some fucked up thing you said, some argument you had in the car with some girlfriend you're not even with 20 years earlier.

And they just bring that up in the middle of the debate. Like, I think in the future, like, they're literally, like, once you become a public figure, they will just have on a discount, you know, and it's all gonna be logged. Anything you ever fucking did, like questionable shit, good shit that you did, all the balance, you know, they'll probably just have, like, a pie chart. Okay, here's his life disc, you know, and the good stuff is in whatever green or yellow, man. Right?

All the nice friendly fucking colors. And then the bad shit will be all in, like, red.

I don't know if you're prone to depression. There'll be, like, some blue in there and they'll just look at the big pie chart and try to judge then overall what kind of a fucking person you are. It's just. I don't know. It's really creepy.

This is another one that was funny to me. It says, in Florida, rental car companies are notorious for literally shutting off engines of cars that cross state lines. The cars may be restart started upon agreement to pay the new fees.

It's fucking hilarious. Here's my question. How do you know they're not in the left lane doing 90 miles an hour with somebody on their bumper, and you're just going to shut off their car? That you have to wait until the car stops? I would like to think that, but I don't know.

Part of me, I don't mind if they track you with the gps as far as that. And if you leave the state lines, I mean, that's only fair. You fucking lying to them and the technology exists, but that shit to start recording conversations and videotaping you is like, I don't know, man. That really crosses a line.

I don't know. Some people say, well, what about all these assholes texting and driving? You know, they're killing people, that type of shit. There has to be a better way. What do you guys think?

There's got to be a better way to keep. I mean, I don't even know how safe you have to make the world. I mean, there's too many fucking people. Can you let some people die? I mean, I know that's really morbid to say that shit, but I don't know.

I'm kind of a fucked up person. So why would you listen to me? Why would you listen to this podcast? Oh, I know why. You're on your way to work.

You're at the gym. You. Whatever the fuck you're doing. So. So let's.

Should we do. Oh, man, I had a really bad. A bad little social faux pas after the Calgary thing. I was walking over to the hotel and I was trying to get into the elevator because I was in the lobby. Sometimes you go through the lobby, you know, people want pictures and shit like that, which is cool, but daddy wants to drink.

So I was trying to get through there as fast as I could. And one of the guys, you know, was at the, you know, one of the guys who worked there sort of, you know, this elevator door opened and I fucking. He just sort of told me to come in. I just stepped in front of these people and walked on me and Nate in the promoter, and the doors closed as we were going up. Nate goes, did we just step in front of a woman in a wheelchair waiting for an elevator?

And then it dawned on me, because I did see her, but I was in such a selfish moment of, I don't want to take any, you know, pictures or anything. I just want to get back down because the bar was closing. That's right. And, you know, we had a great night, and there's nothing better after a show. You're all fucking amped up from the excitement of doing it.

And it went well, that you can't just go back to your hotel room and go to sleep. You want to sit down, shoot the shit or whatever. So we were. That's right. We were making a mad dash to get down to the bar before it closed.

No, that's a lie. They were actually keeping it open for us. There was really no reason for me to do it other than my own selfish things. I didn't feel like taking a picture, so I ran in there, and that has been bugging me for the last 48 fucking hours. Nate heard her say something sad of like, said something.

Well, I guess we're not getting on this one. You know, classic polite canadian. So, I don't know, for whatever fucking reason, if you're the person pushing the person in the wheelchair, my apologies. Oh, Freckles was a selfish cunt there. I'm literally getting embarrassed telling the story right now.

But that. That legitimately happened. It was me. I don't know if my rental car company has video or audio of it. You know, I'm getting out in front of the story is what I'm doing.

All right, enough of that big brother shit. Let's. Let's read some advertising here for the week. There you go. All right.

Let me get rid of all this fucking copy here so I can get on to the questions and all of that shit. By the way, did anybody watch game four of the St. Louie Louie, meet me at the fair. They gave the fucking shack seal right there. Fred, I'm not gonna lie to you as a complete bandwagon fan, this is one of the biggest examples of bandwagon fan shit you'll ever see is me becoming a blues fan.

You know, just picking a team, right? And I, after they lost game two and game three and how great the sharks look, I was just like, I was talking my buddy going like, these guys look like they're dialed in. I think the sharks are gonna win the whole fucking thing. And this has just been such a weird series. Like game two, three and four, you know, like sharks dominated two and three.

And then it's like they didn't even fucking show. And it's like the blues didn't even show up. Games two and three. And I'm thinking like, ah, the sharks got him figured out. They're gonna make quick work of them.

And then the blues show up last night, it was like fucking game two and three never happened. So I can't figure it out. Some of you on Twitter sent me something saying, these games have sucked because they've been so one sided. And I wouldn't argue. I wouldn't argue that they haven't been actually the most compelling games.

They've just been like, three out of four games has just been a little fucking kick to the balls there. So. So we'll see. We'll see. I actually have no fucking clue anymore.

I thought after two and three, I was like, not only of the sharks gonna beat the blues, they're gonna win the whole fucking thing. Because I'm not impressed with. I mean, I like the lightning, but they lost their fucking goaltender. And I thought that they were done. I thought they were fucking done.

And now all of a sudden, you know, the fucking penguins won two in a row, and then fucking Tampa can't. Jesus, they're both two to two. I swear to God, if I didn't know better. That fucking piece of shit David Stern is running the goddamn NHL right now. It seems like he wants both the series to go seven games.

Everybody makes their fucking money, right? They would never do something like that. What are they, the NFL? Oh, Jesus. I'm being such a cunt.

Such a goddamn cunt. And I'm sort of paying attention to the basketball. I just don't have time. And I was really hoping that the Cleveland Cavaliers were going to go sixteen zero and win a title on two different levels. One, Cleveland would win a title, and all those sad sack Cleveland fans could quit with their stupid basset hound faces, you know what I mean?

Cleveland fans are so fucking sad. And so many people just don't even give a shit. I mean, they just have the loneliest look on their face. At least when Boston couldn't win a World Series, New York had the decency to give a fuck enough to trash us, which was always funny to me when you really thought about it. It's like, why are you wasting your time?

They were like Walmart getting mad at the one mom and pop store up the fucking street. Because we were also trying to sell rakes, right? Like, why do you give a shit?

But no one cares about, I don't know, Ohio. It's amazing the amount of musicians, fighters, football coaches, entertainers. The list of famous people from Ohio might be the most impressive out of all the 50 states, and they don't get any respect and. But you go out there, it's just. I don't know, it's just kind of boring.

It's a boring ass state to fucking drive through. I don't know. But they're nice people. But I don't know. I don't know if I have sympathy for Cleveland fans as much as they love Cleveland.

It's like, yeah, well, why don't you live there? Nobody lives there. It's like a fucking ghost town. I guess. Gradually it's coming back, you know?

Who gives a fuck? I just like shitting on people anyway, so I wanted to see them go 16 and zero because it would be great to see LeBron come back, you know, after all the Cleveland fans were burning. Burning his jersey when he left. You know, I always. That is just the stupidest fucking thing ever.

Just to go out and burn somebody's jersey is. The newest. Cameras are filming you. It's like, how fucking old are you? Are you really this emotionally invested in your fucking team?

I mean, I love sports as much as anybody. I remember when what's his face left. Ray Allen went to the heat, and all these Celtics fans were mad. It's like, dude, that's how we got him. You know, he started with the bucks, and then he went, once there's somebody.

A player's a free agent. Don't ever give your heart to the person I'm telling you, you can't go 100% in because they. You know, they got that fucking. They got that wandering eye. Sometimes they stay, like, big poppy, but most times, you know, they come.

They come through town, they pile on the team. They win a championship. They start acting like they're fucking magic Johnson and the Lakers or some shit. Larry Bird. You know, when they're really just.

You know, they're window shopping throughout the fucking league. But anyways, one of the cool things, if they actually went 160, it would be so fucked up that the Golden State warriors, right, I'm assuming they make it to the finals, would go 73 and nine, beating the 96 bulls, and having the greatest regular season of all time, and then losing the championship game to me, would have been, you know, it's like the fucking 2008 Patriots. It's like they went 16 and zero, and, like, I don't. Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody's ever gonna give a fuck about that because all 160 does is.

Well, they went sick. When this next thing is. Did they go, did they run the table? No. And then they lost the last one.

You know, something actually, having lived through that, why would I root that for that, for Golden State? I don't know. You notice there's something about LeBron that. I actually feel bad about the guy. I feel bad for the guy.

I don't know what it's. You know, he never seems to be on strong footing with the crowd. They always seem to somehow not like the guy, and he's out there like Superman every night. Who's Ken? Who?

He brought it on him. His agent brought it on him with that stupid fucking press conference, you know, doing his whole fucking life story. And then he just. I decided to take my talents to South beach. He didn't even say.

He didn't even say Miami. That was one of the worst worded fucking statements ever. I've decided to take my talents to South beach. It's like, you're going to leave these pound puppy looking sad sacks in Cleveland freezing their fucking balls off. You're going to talk about your talent, and then you're telling them that you're going to the beach.

You know what? I don't feel bad for them. Um, I don't know. I really like LeBron, so I would like to see LeBron win one in Cleveland. It's great.

He gets it for the city, but when he does win it, if he does, I will really miss seeing those sad sack Cleveland fans. They're just funny to me. I don't know what it is about them. I don't feel bad for them. And when they complain, I just laugh.

I usually have empathy. It's just something about them. I don't. It's like Cubs, Cubs fans, some of them out there are still mad at me for that time when I said white, the White Sox fans were real fans, and I was just taking a stab in the dark. I was just fucking around because this guy was talking about when the Bears beat the fuck out of the Patriots in the Super bowl.

So I just did the oldest trick in the book. I just went, divide and conquer. And I just said that White Sox fans were better than Cubs fans. And it worked. You know what I mean?

Years later, somebody was going, you know, they're, they're in first place, but they have the fucking, one of the worst attendances in the league. It's like, whatever. Just go to your stupid game and take your fucking shirt off and act like you're in the big chill.

Um, anyways, the Cubs actually win it. That's. That's. That's the Theo Epstein fucking saga, you know what I mean? Like, what happened to the Red Sox after 2004 was then all of a sudden, it was like, you know when your favorite band is just, you know, moving up the ladder, right?

They're like, gradually, you know, you know, they're playing clubs, local areas, and they start going a little national. Then they play big, and then they get all the way up to their best sell selling album ever. And what always happens when a band that's been together for fucking ten years, they make it to the mountaintop? What happens? The whole thing implodes.

Everybody goes their separate ways. Next thing you know, fucking David Lee Roth is singing just a gigolo, right? And Van Halen is singing about dreams with the fucking blue angels. Whatever happened, I don't remember. I tried to block it out.

That fucking crushed me. When they, when they broke up, he was the perfect front man for that fucking band. I love Sammy Hagar and everything, but come on. Anyways, you guys are gonna kill me. But I completely forget what I was fucking.

What the fuck was my point? I literally have to let me scroll back up. What the fuck was I just talking about? Oh, Theo Epstein. Jesus Christ.

Theo Epstein. After, like, 2004, I think everybody wanted the credit. I think the fucking ownership was like, no, we're the reason the 86 year curse ended. And Theo's like, well, what about me? And then there was that weird thing where he kind of went.

He, like, left for, like, a week. And I remember thinking like, fuck, why couldn't they just get along? Here the. Here we go again. And then he came back, and then, I don't know, when everything imploded, whenever the fuck it did, he ends up leaving.

He goes to the cubs. I thought he left and decided to stay for a couple years. I might be wrong, but he went with the cubs. And I think that that was his ego thing. And then the Red Sox won at zero seven.

And in 2013, I believe, and that was our. Fuck you, Theo. We can do it without you. So now, I think, for his ego, he's trying to become the guy who ended the curse of the babe and the curse of the goat. And if he does that, I mean, you'd have to say he's one of the greatest.

Whatever the fuck his position. Is he. That a GM? I don't know what he is. Curse of the goat is so funny.

Fucking stupid. You know what I mean? Get your livestock off of the fucking field. You know? Curse of the babe was dumb enough.

It's just like, no, we made a bad fucking move. We're not a good franchise, and we weren't a good franchise. We didn't make good decisions. The yawkeys, God bless them, did not make good decisions. The guy was a major fucking racist and just refused until the last.

I think we were the last team to finally admit, you know, I guess people from other races are worthy of looking at. And by then we even. Then, I mean, we suck. When it was just all white people. I mean, I don't know.

What are you gonna do? So anyways, let's read some of the questions here. I know I'm babbling this week. This is. I'm a little outside my comfort zone without the microphone and the fucking headset.

So this will all be fixed by Thursday. Okay. Vinyl. Hey, Billy. I was at your Madison Square garden show, and I seem to remember you mentioning releasing it.

Releasing it on vinyl. Is that still happening? Interesting. You should say that I have the audio, and I'm going through pictures right now. And I am telling you right now, I am going for big air on this one.

I am releasing the entire fucking show. I'm not editing anything out. I was happy from the second I got on to the second I left. It was one of the greatest nights of my stand up life. I'm so happy that I have an audio recording of it.

CoriAngelo, one of the greatest photographers I've met in this business. The greatest, I should say. He took all the pictures, and if I do this right, it's going to be a sick ass fucking record. I'm very, very excited to do it. I just have to do it the right way.

What happens is, if you want to get into the bullshit of the business, is this happened with the one that I did at Carnegie hall. What happens is when you put out a stand up special, you get in business with somebody like Comedy Central or Netflix or HBO or whatever. Usually built into the contract is that you won't release any similar material that's on the special for a specific period of time. And, you know, I'm probably gonna do another special in November, which, you know, I did Madison Square guard November of last year. So there's gonna be enough overlap where I'm gonna have to wait.

I believe I'll have to wait a little bit. I'll try to get around that, because I haven't negotiated yet. It would be nice if I could get around and be like, look, it's vinyl. It's for fucking total comedy, nerds. This isn't gonna really.

But then, of course, you cunts end up uploading it everywhere because everything has to be fucking uploaded and then be free. I'm gonna lose my fucking shirt on this. But I don't give a shit because I know there's people out there that appreciate the vinyl and that type of stuff, and it's a really cool fucking thing to have. And, oh, man, I'm gonna spend some money on this. I'm really gonna spend some money on this.

Really want to do this as first fucking class as I can. And I was actually talking to somebody about it the other night, somebody who makes records, and he was showing me some of the shit that he's done, and I was really impressed. So I'm literally getting excited talking about it. So that's definitely happening. When I can actually release the fucking thing is a completely different story.

So. All right, basic training. Billy Bloom, you mentioned in a throwback clip that you would only perform for the troops in the Middle east. If you went through basic training and was taught how to kill a man, well, at least how to shoot a fucking gun. That's like, my fear.

I'm going into a fucking war zone and God forbid it gets overrun by a bunch of lunatics. And my bodyguard takes one from me and he's laying on the ground and there's his weapon, and I'm like, I don't know how to work this.

Standing there like Bob Hope with a fucking putter. You know, I just. You know, I know. And they always say this shit too. We've never lost anyone.

In all the wars that we fought, we've never lost anyone. It's just like, dude, that's just like saying my. You know what? My car's running great. You don't say shit like that.

Anyways, he said, was wondering if that's as true as it was when you said it in 2008. I believe you're in better shape these days, and perhaps so is the Middle east. Love you. Love Nia. Nah.

Yeah, I think at this point, look, dude, when I saw over there, like, when I was first thinking that that was back when shit was really bad and, like, contractors, you know, which had a rock in their shoe, and they would stop for half a second to get it out, and then they just disappeared. And then the next thing you know, they're getting their heads sawed off, you know, I mean, what a fucking way to go. I mean, Jesus Christ, you know what I mean? And I've also. One thing.

One of the reasons why I've been. Any success that I've had in life is I've always understood what I suck at, okay? And I know I am not a marine. You can give me the camouflage shit, you know, the dumb shit. When people go out and go fucking do shows for the troops and they take pictures of you sitting in a jet or like, in a fucking tank and you're wearing a helmet, you know, and for half a second, your egos.

I could do this. No, you can't do that. It takes a special person to be able to do that. And I know that's not me. Actually, to really be honest with you.

I wouldn't want to go through basic training because I am a fucking lunatic to begin with and the last thing I need to do is dehumanize any more people in my fucked up brain.

Yes, I am afraid of to go down that rabbit hole of how fucking, how nuts am I, okay? I like to feel that I'm a mainstream psycho. You know, it's kind of like my drinking. Like, I know I drink way too much, but I have it under control. But I know a couple of circumstances.

Well, I'm too, I'm too vain to drink myself to death, but I could, I could definitely, you know, I know enough not, I knew enough not to fuck with hard drugs because I saw what they did to, you know, like everybody, I think everybody in my country at this point for, I hate to say it at this point, you've lost somebody to that. I've lost two people, two friends of mine outside of comedy, and then obviously a number of comedians to that type of shit and both friends of mine and then comics that I was fans of in that type of shit. So I always knew not to fuck with that stuff. But as far as going over there, yeah, I would definitely do that. I would definitely do something like that.

But, you know, when it was really fucking crazy over there and the comics were telling me they would have, they had to do those military landings where you like it 38,000ft and a minute later you're on the ground, you know, I mean, it's scary enough landing in San Diego. I don't need somebody possibly shooting at me.

Yeah. And I'm just being fucking honest, you know what I mean? So. But at this point, yeah, no, I I wouldn't have a problem. Oh, Jesus.

If I ever fucking go over there and something happens to me and they play this fucking audio, you know, they're gonna do it and all those fucking things. Yeah. You know, going to war is, is. It's. No, that's the real deal.

And I know I don't have that in me. Fucking go over there with a hawaiian shirt. Hey, isn't that something going over there with whoever the Marilyn Monroe is of the day? And she's got this singing, you know, happy birthday, mister general or whatever the fuck goes. I have no idea what happens on those shows, but I know, like, fucking Artie Lang went to, like, Artie Lang went into this shit in, like, Afghanistan, like, fucking, like crazy.

You would never catch me doing that. That guy's got more balls than I would ever have. No, but yeah, I'll go to the big bass that already has a best buy on it. I'll go to that one. Whatever military base over there that already has a monorail.

I'll go to that one. Maybe like an orange Julius. I'll check that one out. But I would definitely do it without a doubt. All right.

Name dropping. Hey, Bill, I listen to the podcast every week, which means my wife does as well. Oh, geez, not another one of these. I know women hate me. Okay?

I watched in the hotel today, and this guy goes, I didn't know you were in town. I said, yeah, you know, I'm playing a theater down the street. And he goes. He goes, oh. He goes, you know, I'm definitely gonna go.

He goes, you know, I'm gonna go. He goes, my girlfriend hates you, but I'm gonna go. It's just like, I get it. I get it. I get it.

I'm not gonna change what the fuck I do, though. But I understand it. Here we go. All right, so, okay, here. Here it comes.

How long before I get. How. How much do I have to read before I find out that she hates me? All right, last week you said you didn't want to write, you didn't want to name drop your friend's name in a band. This started my wife down a path of questioning and thought, I'll quote her, who is Bill scared of?

You would think he's still on a playground and waiting to get beat up if he acts out of order. He's Bill Burr. Who's going to give him shit. She has a good point. I totally understand why you do that.

But you'd have to drop a dozen big names that didn't even matter. But what? But you have to drop a dozen big names that didn't even matter into a story every week for a year for anyone to think of you as a name dropper. You're the best. Come back to Rhode island.

You know why I don't do it? Because people who are in the public eye, there's like this sort of, like there's a. There's an unwritten fucking rule that when you're hanging out with them, you're hanging out with them. And then it doesn't become a fucking podcast story. You don't fucking tweet about it, you know?

You know, and you don't ask for a picture because that's what their life is. And I know people that have fucked that up. I got a buddy of mine, all right? He was golfing, and he got put in this foursome with one of his favorite actors, and it turned out the actor was a fan of his, and they were having a great fucking time, all right, just shooting the shit, being normal. And in the end, the guy goes, yeah, it's great, man.

I'd love to come out to a show. And instead of saying, all right, give me your number, I'll text you. Next time I'm in town. He goes, great. He goes, is it.

Hey, is it. Is it cool if I get a photo? And he said, the guy's face just fucking dropped and was just like, yeah, man, yeah, okay, yeah, let's do it. I don't want to do that. Look like I don't mind, you know, unless I'm trying to get to a bar before it closes.

Those are only the times that I bug it, you know? Bothers me that somebody wants a picture. It's way better. Somebody wants a picture that nobody gives a fuck. But I'm also at a cool level of just being known.

I'm known enough that I can sell tickets on the road, but, like, I can walk down the street. Nobody fucks with me, right? But those people that are at that other level, you know what I mean? Where they can't leave the fucking house, you know, if you hang out with them, you don't go blabbing about it on a podcast. It's.

To put it bluntly, it's really fucking tacky and it's not professional. And not to mention, you come off like a name drop and cunt. You know? I actually had somebody do that to me one time that fucking annoyed the shit out of me, you know, somebody. I was having this debate with somebody, and then they ended up fucking writing something about it afterwards.

I'm just like, oh, you know, I thought we were just a couple of comics hanging out. You know, I was just like. And just. I don't know. I just gross is all.

I thought, like, that was fucking gross. Because now I thought that, you know, we actually were talking human being to human being, and now you're trying to get. Turning into something, you know? I don't know. It's gross.

That's why I don't do it. All right, all right. Wedding song. Dear Billy cockring bearer.

Ah, Jesus. He's. I'm getting married this summer, and my fiance and I are trying to figure out songs for the wedding. You dig music? What would you.

And the lovely Mia. Mia. It's Nia with an n. Like Nancy. The lovely Nia suggests for our entrance and first dance.

We appreciate your insight. Oh, my God. I can't write what the person just wrote. Jesus Christ. Easy with the homophobia there.

Said go fuck yourself. Um, I. I don't f. Dude, I listen to hair metal, man. You don't listen to me.

I don't know, something from great white. How about white lion?

One of those white bands? Because it was white snake, white lion. And great white. That's, like, when they had all the number bands, right? Mary three and 4311.

Some 41.

I don't know what the fuck they are. All right, what song should you come? I would think the song that both of you guys like. I have no idea. Your wedding starts.

All right. You coming in? I don't know. I'd say something from Lou Rawls, lady love, you know? Although he's kind of suggesting an open relationship a little bit, if you really listen to it anyways.

I don't fucking know. That's a weird one. I have no idea. I don't know what kind of music you're into. How about something from Cinderella?

Speaking of which, from my generation, I just found out the drummer from Megadeth died last night.

Was it Nick Menza?

Is that his name? Yeah. Ex mega death drummer Nick Menza collapses and dies on stage, 51 fucking years old. It was, like, three songs in. He was at that place to bake potato, which I have never been to.

It's a legendary music venue. Like, if you ever come out to LA and you want to go to a cool music venue and possibly see some huge fucking musician just basically jamming with a bunch of people from other bands or studio musicians, that's the place to go to. I've never been. I don't know why. I just always end up being busy having to do a stand up show.

But fortunately, he died 51. Gonna be 52 years old, which is way too young in general. But when you're gonna be 48 next month is pretty fucking scary. Should lay off the fucking chicken quesadillas. All right, here we go.

French music recommendation. Hey, Guillaume Le Rouge. I know you're working on your french skills, and you're always looking for music, so I thought I'd give you a twofer. Check out an artist named Stramajor. That's how you say it.

Stromeyer. No. My God, I'm an idiot. Oh, my God, I'm a fucking idiot. It's Strome.

And then it was. You're welcome. I thought the your was part of it. I thought it was Strohmeir, but it's Strome. You're welcome.

Oh, my God. What a fucking dope.

Every time I think I find the bottom of my stupidity, there's a whole nother floor. Anyways, he's from Belgium, and his stuff has a really diverse set of influence influences. But besides that, the music is amazing, even if you have no idea what the fuck he's saying. I'm not a native french speaker. Wait, he's from Belgium, but he sings in French anyways.

But my family spent some time in Belgium when I was a kid. I've forgotten a lot of my French over the years. And listening to this is bringing. Bringing it all back to me.

It says bone. Bone, shanks, canard. It's double n. I know. Cunard is duck, so c o n n A R D.

I don't know what that is. It probably says, good luck, fuckface. I have no dick or something. I don't know. Come back to New York City soon.

That makes no sense to me that you were in Belgium and you learned how to speak French. I thought you'd be able to talk to Jean Claude Van Damme. The muscles from Brussels. Right? All right, girl.

Wow. This guy tried to write, girl is fucking with my head. And she's so fucking with his head. He wrote, girl, girls if fucking with my head. Dear Billy Betts.

A few months ago, my waitress at a mexican restaurant caught my eye. With her cute smile and warm personality. I asked her out and things are going great. After two dates, we were having sex, and I loved spending time with her and making her laugh. She's also joining the air force, and she used to ask me advice because I'm in the marine reserves.

I didn't see her during her final week, and late on Saturday, during my drill weekend, she was texting that she was a terrible person and she was never going to amount to anything. Sounds like she fucked around on you. I'm sorry. That's just my paranoia. I consoled her and she sent a two page text while I was asleep.

At 06:00 a.m. the next morning, I woke up to the text that read, this has been eating away at me. And I had a few glasses of wine and can't hold it in. Oh, here it comes. On Wednesday, I had lunch with my old friend with benefits, and I ended up blowing him.

I'm so sorry. I like you so much and I feel horrible. The next day, I asked a few details about the incident.

Were you using your hand, too? Cranking the shaft? I asked a few questions about the incident and said she had a strange way of showing affection towards me. I told her I didn't want to see her anymore and deleted all of her contact into my info from my phone and blocked her number. Perfect.

Am I being too hard? Is it really so hard to not suck a dick? I've never had the urge. She even told me not to cheat on her. And then does this.

I probably should have seen it coming because apparently she'd also had a threesome with two guys. She seems so nice, though. This is the first time I've been cheated on and is fucking with my head. I'm 23. This shouldn't be that big of a deal, but my confidence took a serious blow here.

No pun intended. Hey, dude, you know that. That happened to me at least three times in my life that I'm aware of. Women fucking cheat too, all right? I mean, everybody knows that guys are dogs, but women do it fucking too, all right?

And how many fucking? I didn't want to get it.

The only reason right now where you're questioning, am I being so hard on her? That's just your feelings talking because you miss her. But, dude, you did the right thing. You deleted her shit. You told the fuck off.

It's a big time self esteem move, and you're only 23 years old. You got a bunch of great women in your future. I'm not saying fuck her as far as her as a person, but just forget her as far as, like, someone that you can have a relationship with. But, you know, she's obviously working out some stuff and, you know, she. You know, she's on her path.

You're on your path, and you're not looking for that sounds like. And, yeah, just. Just move on. You did the right fucking thing, you know, allow yourself to be sad and go through the shit and all that. You know, don't do the dumb guy thing where you just try to shut off your feelings.

Go through the feelings, fucking cry it out of you when no one's around. Don't make it awkward for other fucking people. And then, uh, you know, just don't fuck with anybody for a while, you know, figure out what the fuck you want to do next. But don't go back to her. You can't go back to her.

Um, yeah, I wouldn't do that. Plus, you know, she's joining the fucking air force. You're going to the marines anyways. You know, you can't tell me this. You go, you're going to probably go around the fucking world.

You're going to meet all kinds of beautiful women. She actually meant a long way. She probably did you a favor. And I'll tell you right now, that is as positive as I can spin that, because I know it sucks. It sucks, you know?

What are you going to do? All right, something I wanted. Where the hell was it? Before I wrap this up here, people keep asking me about the european tour. Now, here's the thing, I am not allowed to say what the dates are.

It's definitely happening, but I can be vague about it at this point. I heard a rumor that it might start the end of July. Like the very end of July, like maybe the last day of July. And I heard that it might go through, I don't know, mid August. Like mo actually August 8, maybe to the 10th.

It all fucking depends. All right? And the rumor is that it might start in a city that in country that rhymes with Mublin Fireland.

And then it might go to a city that rhymes with hellcast.

Oh, and then there's another one. Hallway Mireland. I'm not allowed to release any of this information. Then I might go to pistol. Finland can fester, England Munden.

England.

Hamster can featherlands. And what the fuck kind of routing is that? Then I go up to Fenboro, heartland, possibly. That might. That might be it.

I'm not allowed to say. But I don't know when we're going to do this thing. But I will tell you that I thought I was going to Belgium, and as of right now, if that's not on the list, which is really bugging me, because I really wanted to go there. So I'm hoping that maybe I can. We'll see.

I mean, the amount of cities that we got offers from, if I'm still going to remain married, I have to break it up into three. Three tours. So I think I'm going to do this one, and then maybe I'll do the scandinavian one with Belgium on that one, and then an eastern european one. I don't know how long it's going to take me to do all of those, but I definitely plan on doing them. And I'm extremely excited about getting over there.

There's a lot of cities there that I've never played to, and I don't know. I can't wait to get over there. Plus, you know, it's going to be great for me. It's going to feel like a summer vacation because we'll be done writing all ten episodes of ephes for family. So, anyways, that is the podcast for this week.

Once again, thank you to everybody who came out in Calgary, in Edmonton, and Seattle tonight. Been a great three day run. And arguably, I gotta tell you, Seattle in all these areas up here, once you live out in a fucking desert, man, it's just I always look down as the planes landing going, what if I lived in that house right fucking there? You know, somehow I was able to fucking exist and show business and not live out in LA, which I eventually maybe will be able to do. But then what am I gonna do?

I gotta be in the writers room. Um, eventually I'll be that guy. I'm gonna be that guy. Eventually I'm gonna be living next to a fucking lake in the middle of nowhere and staring at a wall, drinking myself to death. Alright, that's it everybody.

That's the podcast. I'm gonna watch the, the blues game. We'll see what happens here and go fuck yourselves. And I will check in on you on Thursday, all right? See?

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-23-24

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1: Introduction

2: Fahim Anwar's Comedy Career

3: Comedy Dynamics and Audience

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