Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-2-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for. No, it isn't. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast.

Bill Burr
And I'm just checking in on you. Ooh. Um. How are you? What's going on?

I hope everything is going well with you. I am in a good mood and feeling loose. I'm not. I'm fucking sitting here on pins and needles. I got the Hollywood bowl on Friday.

And all I want. All I want to do is get on the stage and get going. Just fucking sitting here like the New York Rangers after sweep at the Washington Capitol, sitting there, twiddling their thumbs, waiting for everybody else to wrap up their. Series, which the Bruins didn't. Congratulations to the Toronto Maple Leafs.

They played a great game. Backs against the wall. This is it. Do or die. You playing hockey.

You're taking out the golf clubs, you letting your fans down again? The Toronto Maple Leaf said, no, sir. They played a hell of a game. And what was it? Tavares one handed fucking pass over to nice, I think his name is for the game winner in overtime.

As Joe Bartnik says. It really is amazing. You know, I was thinking about how. When you're up three games to one. In a series, how quickly you can be looking at it being tied.

It's literally one loss. You're like, three one, man. We got this. We got this series in the fucking bag. We are in the driver's seat.

Bill Burr
We are firing on all cylinders, whatever the fuck they say. And then you lose the next game, then it's like, oh, shit, we better win the next one, or this is tied up. So I don't know. We'll see what happens. I did not anticipate, as I've been saying, an easy series with the Toronto Maple Leafs, not based on any of their players, just time.

Like, how many fucking times can this happen? How many times can they have a solid squad and just get fucking bounced. Out in round one? They haven't won a playoff series since 2004, so they are due.

Having said that, I don't want it to happen because they're playing my bruins, which I think we're going to get the job done. We'll see. You never know. You never know. I believe we up three games to.

One last year against Florida, and that didn't work out so well. So this would be huge. The Bruins win just one playoff series. You know, round one. Get out of round one after losing Bergeron and Kraji, you know, and the ups and downs of this season and everything.

And I've been hearing we have a lot of talent coming up in the farm system. I think we can. We can definitely build on this. I think Cam Neely did an amazing job. Everybody in the front office.

There you go, huh? There's my shout out to everybody. Working hard.

Speaking of working hard, I went to the premiere of Unfrosted last night, Jerry Seinfeld's movie. Well, I have. I have a bit part in there playing John Fitzgerald Kennedy, if you can believe it. I went with the lovely Nia. And I got to tell you, I absolutely loved the movie.

I'm in it for 2 seconds. Don't blink. But it was like that movie. It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world with all comedians. And I said that on the red carpet.

And then when I went in to the premiere, one of the Netflix executives, Ted Sarandos, was saying that that's what they were kind of pitching. Let's redo that movie. And then it turned into this thing. So there's so many fucking cool things. And Jerry directed it.

It looks amazing. And of course, you know, it takes place in the sixties, so, you know, Jerry's totally in the car. So the car, the cars in it, the colors of the cars and everything. And it's just surrounded, you know, around the whole breakfast cereal, no nutrition, just getting kids fucking. Just flying high on sugar when, you know, his generation of my generation were coming up.

And it was funny. It was a really colorful time. As much as the Cold war in Vietnam and all of that shit was beginning. Like, it was really colorful. The cars, the cereal, like, you know, clothes and that type of shit.

So I don't want to ruin any of it, but I just love the colors of the cars. And they weren't the usual, like, hacky ones, you know, like, that's why I love watching old movies. Cause you'll spot all these cars. Like, what the fuck is that? I never seen one of those.

You know, it's because, you know, with each generation of car, there's those half dozen to dozen that everybody loves, and. The rest of them go to the. Junkyard and get crushed. Um, Jerry's taste in cars was. Was, of course, top shelf.

And, uh, I don't know, it was just. It's a really, really fun, fun movie with all this fucking shit going on in the world. Um, two freckled thumbs up for unfrosted. It comes out this Friday, May 3. I'm an idiot, I think, on Netflix.

I mean, we. It was a Netflix event, but sometimes they put it in theaters first. But, like, May 3 is when it comes out. Um, so thanks to him and everybody else for letting me come down and doing a quick little scene in it. But, um, it's a great, uh.

Bill Burr
Let's. It's basically stars Jerry Seinfeld, Jim Gaffigan, Melissa McCarthy, and Amy Schumer. And, uh, everybody fucking crushes it. Um, you know, it's one of those things. I haven't felt that feeling in a while.

While I was watching, like, this is a bunch of stand up comedians.

Bill Burr
Holding. Down a movie here. You know, I know Melissa McCarthy's an actor, but she came up through the groundlings, I believe, but it was just cool to see. I haven't had that feeling. I remember a long time ago, I did a scene on Breaking Bad.

And. I was sitting in Saul Goodman's office, and it was me, Lovell Crawford, and Bob Odenkirk, you know, before Bryan Cranston came in. And I remember thinking, like, this is the best drama on tv right now. And for this, like, the first 18 seconds of this scene, it's nothing but stand up comedians, you know, driving the ship here, flying the ship, whatever the fuck you say. I haven't had that feeling a long time.

So I was really. It was really fun, and it was a great premiere because I got to see. I mean, God, I can't. I lost count of how many Ronnie Chang I saw.

Oh, my God. It was a million people there. It was definitely a good time. Definitely a good time. So check it out if you can.

And with that, my wife, my lovely wife, the leases was up on her car. Her car. And she got another electric car. And I think I'm just going to drive classic cars. I don't like cars that talk to me and try to figure out what I'm trying to do.

And I don't like having, like, my whole dashboard be a fucking iPad. Like, I used to. Like, you used to go for, like, a drive so you could think. And now it's like, you can't be alone. And it's just this constant, like, feeling that you're under surveillance.

Like, your tv's watching you, your phone's listening to you. You get in the car, the car's fucking talking to you. Um, that's not good for your psyche. You know, you really need to have, like, alone time. And I'm so fucked in the head.

I think that that's why cigars really got ahold of me is because the solitude of smoking a cigar by yourself is just fucking. I haven't found anything quite like it, um, other than going for a drive on, like, back roads, and there's, like, nobody there, so you can just kind of go, you know, and worry about somebody driving up on you or being stuck behind somebody.

I think electric cars are amazing. I think they're just gonna lead to a war in Africa, because that seems to be where we're getting all the raw materials and everybody's like, you know, fucking China owns all of it and all this shit. It's like, all right, that'll be our next, you know, battle that will say that we're fighting because they don't want us to be free when it really is. You know, 15 sociopaths at the top want the goop or the other fucking rocks or whatever the fuck it is in the ground, and they'll sell it. They'll sell it again, and people will buy it.

And then if you. If you say anything about it, they'll say, you're not supporting the troops, you know, we'll do that again. But anyway, I like the old shit. When we were in Arizona, versey was saying, look at that. He goes, that's a self driving car.

I thought it was the Google Earth car thing was ugly as hell.

Like, you know, like the top of a juicer looks like that big sort of round circle thing where you shove all the stuff in. It looked like that on top of the car, on the front of the car, and then on, like, both sides. I'm sure with technology it'll get better, but I don't know. I don't know the upside of it. Do you realize how late people are going to be partying if they don't have to worry about driving to work?

They'll just be, like, fucking sleeping in their car on the way to. Everybody's going to be asleep.

It will end road rage, right? I guess you can't chase anybody after that. I guess there's some of it, but I don't know. I don't know. I just keep.

As technology keeps going further and further. And further in a direction, I just keep pulling back and back and back and back. Like.

I'd love to get the newspaper delivered to my house. Just start my day with a coffee, two eggs over easy, and bacon. No bread. Cause I'm fucking old. Oh, God, how do you miss out on toast?

Bill Burr
Oh, speaking of Tom Papa, I saw him at the. At the premiere. Speaking of bread.

Anyway.

Yeah, I just keep pulling further and further back in, like, a fucking. Just to, like, I feel it's just to stay balanced. I mean, the fucking cars talking to me. My wife goes to get out of. The car, says, just to let you.

Know, you forgot your phone. And this is how this is. Opposites attracting. My wife goes, thanks. As I, at the same time, said.

Bill Burr
Shut the fuck up. No, I said shut up. I said shut up. And I'll tell you, you know when AI's coming. When your wife goes, don't tell my.

Car to shut up. You apologize to my car. I was like, I'm not. I'm not doing this. So.

Anyway, yeah, old Billy, pins and needles. What else is going on in the world? The Celtics. Celtics handling the Miami Heat the way that they should be, um, without Jimmy Butler and. Oh, my God, versi.

Jesus Christ, his fucking texts last night. Shakespeare would have loved it. The amount of tragedy, I guess. The Knicks were up by six with, like, 24 seconds left, and they somehow lost the fucking game.

Where, as he was like, I'm actually, like, physically ill right now. He said with 20 seconds left, him. And his son hugged each other like. They were going to close him out. And how about Joel Embiid just taking.

It upon himself to just. All of a sudden. I've never known him to be a dirty player. Now all of a sudden, he's, like, stepping on guys ankles. He's fucking throwing elbows and shit.

I think it's hilarious. Um, you know. Cause it's not, like, overly. It's just cunty shit that he's doing. So, you know, you gotta.

You always gotta have that. That angry dad getting up out of his chair. I don't mind a guy like that. It's when people are actually out there, like, literally trying to hurt people. I know he did step on that guy's ankle, but he didn't, like, stomp on it like that.

That dude out there for the warriors, I always forget his name, and I'm glad I do, because I fucking can't stand players like that. Kicking people in the nuts. Kicks him in the nuts and then immediately turns to the ref, like, what the fuck? Like, asking for, like, a foul or something. Like.

Like, no one's gonna notice you just booted that guy in the nuts.

Anyway.

I had to start this podcast because I accidentally hit stop or whatever. I had to restart it. I forget if I. If I talked about the MotoGP, I got caught up on the last two races.

The latest one was just a fucking instant classic. And seeing Marc Marquez coming back is just incredible. And so now I feel like you just got like. Like the race on Sunday. At one point, it was Jorge Martin, Mark Marc, I think.

I think Peco was in second, and then Marc Marquez, and just the amount of MotoGP championships with just those three guys. And then unfortunately, I guess it was probably because Peco was on his back the whole time. Jorge Martin just went too fast into a turn, got on the brakes. I don't know what happens, but they lose the front end and he just went down.

But that left all those points out there for Peko to get him and Martine to get none. So now the race is like way tighter. I'm telling you, it's the greatest fucking racing out there.

Like I'm screaming at the iPad as I'm watching, watching racing now. I didn't think that was. I haven't done that. I have not done that since 2015. F one, when Lewis Hamilton was it, Niko Rosberg were going back and forth and they were doing like days of thunder shit.

They were on the same team smashing into each other. And then before that, I'd have to go back to when I was a big stock car fan in the eighties when they still look like cars that you drove way the fuck back then. Ricky Rudd, Darrell Waltrip, cale Yarbrough was my favorite. I liked him the best. That Hardee's fucking.

I forget he drove an Oldsmobile. And then Harry Gann had the skull band of you. I've talked about this shit before, but like, Darrell Waltrip and Bill Elliott and all of those fucking guys, like, way back, like when. When, I don't know, everything looked like. They looked like oldsmobiles, Buicks and Chevy Monte Carlos.

It just looked like everybody was driving those. That fucking eighties style two door one that everybody had.

But I don't know, I just haven't been into it since then. I don't know. I wish they could get like. You. Know what it is?

You just get old and it isn't the way it used to be. I think that that's what it is. It's not the way it used to be. So then it makes you feel old, which is slightly depressing. So then you go into, ah, was better when I was a kid.

And it's really like you're really just. Saying, ah, I'm fucking old. How did this happen? So, anywho, I'm gonna try to try to get up a couple of times this week, so I make sure that I'm ready to go come Friday night. I fucking had enough of it, though.

Jesus Christ. The fucking guest list and this and that and all of this shit. These people are gonna come down, and those people are gonna come down, and it's just like, geez Louise over here. Just get me on the fucking stage over there. Oh, you know what I saw the other day?

That is golf. For fucking redheads. They have nighttime golfing.

I mean, I think the only way to lose your, the ball, like, literally is, like, glowing in the dark. That's probably stupid. I mean, how the fuck can you even see where you're supposed to go? They have it lit up a little bit.

I just love that there's, like, no sun out or whatever, you know? I mean, I'm just not built, like, I really realized, like, now, you know what? Nine holes. There's got to be a par three somewhere out here in fucking Los Angeles. Just a par three.

Go out there, it's like you only played six holes. You work on your short game the whole time. Nah, fuck. This game's getting a hold of me because I've been thinking about going there and not teeing the ball up and just wedging the whole time, just trying to go up and down the whole fucking way through. Um, I I just, I don't have it in me to be a good putter.

I just don't. I always just shoot straight at the fucking hole. I'm not getting down at the ground reading the fucking grass, seeing which way it's going and shit. It's just something about it. It's like this, this game's not bringing me down to the fucking, I'm not going down to my knees for this game.

I'm not. I'm just gonna shoot at the fucking hole. And if I two, three, putt, I don't give a shit. I really don't.

I'm here for the hang, and I'm here to watch people lose their shits. Sisters cunt. My favorite fucking line I've heard on a golf course. It's a gentleman's game. Sisters cunt.

So specific. Anyway, let me do, let me do. Some, some reads here for, for the week.

Where the fuck is it? Where is it? There is. Oh, I got to plug. Paul Versey show by the way, Paul Versey is going to be at the Troubadour in Los Angeles on May 10, so please go down and get your tickets.

Paul Versey at the Troubadour May 10. I'm going to definitely go down there and see if I can check out his show, if he'll have me on his guest list, if it isn't all. Filled up, all right? And I'm back. Had to hit pause.

Bill Burr
I was like, I'm going to hit. Pause for a couple seconds, and I'll fucking, you know, finish this podcast up, and next thing you know, life happens. So it's the next day. Now it's Thursday morning, just like that time traveling dude. Time travel.

I found my microphone. It sounds better. I'm in the future. I'm feeling clearer. Firing on all cylinders.

Boston Celtics closed out. The Miami Heat came out blazing. 41 points in the first fucking quarter. Finished them off. So hopefully, when the fuck do we play Toronto?

We got to finish those guys off. All right? I don't need any happiness in the canadian media capital of Canada. I would still like to. I would still like to know why Montreal canadien fans hate Toronto Maple Leaf fans so much.

I get Maple Leaf fans hating the Canadians even now. They've been dormant for 31 fucking years. It's got to be that french speaking versus English speaking. I can actually. You know what I'm going to do on this podcast?

Just because this is the kind of person I am, I'm going to actually bring Canada, this Canada together. I'm going to solve all of their problems so they can be more like the United States of America and just how we all just fucking get along. Here's the deal. French speaking canadian people, you have to understand this. The people of France do not consider you french.

So if they don't, you shouldn't.

So why don't you just stop, you know? No, actually, I think it's great that you still speak French. Don't just give in to the king's English like we did down here in the United States, and we all let go of all of our culture from Europe, and that's why it's all. It's just fucking box stores. I don't know.

It's a bigger problem. You know what? I think I'm oversimplifying it, but then again, I think, you know, God oversimplified my brain when he made me so, you know, I got to do what I got to do. Went down to the fucking comedy store last night and ran into Keith Robinson, my great friends in this business. So that was cool.

He's out here for the netflix, um, fucking extravaganza, whatever they're calling it out here. And, um. Did my shit, did two sets. Fucked up this one joke. I keep forgetting how I get into it.

Bill Burr
Fucked it up twice. But now I gotta go. I gotta figure it out. So I gotta go somewhere else tonight.

Figure out go somewhere else and fucking. Say the thing, right? So hopefully I don't mess it up. When I'm at the bowl.

Just make sure you take it all in. Just make sure. You know, people try to like, make sure today you're taking your time. You know, I started clicking on things that fucking about food, you know, about what's actually good for you and bad for you. And it's just like now it's just the sky is falling.

They're sitting there going like, plastic bottled water, you know, is now might have 10,000 times the amount of micro fucking plastics that go into your body. And it's like, oh, now what? Because. Because what? Cause they lied?

Just out of curiosity. You know, they just sit there and they talk about what's in our food, the fact that we accept that it's actual poison.

You know, I see this woman going, you know what the most poisonous thing in your house is? The most toxic thing? Fragrance. Fragrance. And they go, you know, they act.

Like this is their special sauce, and it's known carcinogens, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And then you got other people. Oh, no, it's actually not that. It's mayonnaise, man. Hellman's mayonnaise has this, that and the fucking other thing.

And it's just like, wait, so let me get this straight. I can't like, go on stage and say certain things as a comedian or my career is over, but like, fucking, these people can put known carcinogens in food that men, women and children are gonna eat. They've been giving people cancer and nothing happens. Nothing to see here, not a story.

They are above the fucking law. Once you get a certain amount of money, you are above the law. But what I hold on to would be amazing is what they're doing in Vietnam. Unless they're railroading that chick. There was a woman over there, she embezzled over a billion dollars and she's getting the death penalty.

So I think that you oughta, I mean, don't you think that if, you know, feeding your own countrymen carcinogens, known carcinogens, because you don't want to use all natural ingredients, because it's cheaper to use your carcinogens, don't you think, like, that constitutes the death penalty? That's not a terrorist act. What was another one that they had? It was. Fuck.

They, they were showing those drumstick ice cream things. They just call it a frozen treat, but everybody thinks it's ice cream. And people are leaving them out for like 24 hours and they don't melt.

Unless all of this shit is bullshit on instagram, I don't fucking know. I mean, I know a lot of the life coaching. My favorite ones are the guys who are just, like. I call them, like, institutionalized. You know, when somebody, they go in and out of the prison system, they just become like, that's just their way of life.

They don't even know how to fucking exist in the legal world or whatever. I feel like those people that are all about, like, just making money, all that grind culture shit, all that shit, like, showing off what you have and holding up cash in front of your fucking car. The douchiest photo ever is when you line up all your cars in front of a private jet and then you squat down or you stand there. You never can be looking at the camera. You always got to be looking, you know, down the Runway or up fucking wind or whatever.

Like, yeah, man, what a. What? Just trying to figure out what I'm going to conquer next. Like that stupid fucking thing. What you notice in all of those pictures is there's no family, there's no loved ones.

You know, like, what is actually, which will actually make you happy. People. I saw this guy yelling at people, saying, basically, if you're not making $100,000 a month, that, you know, you really need to look at yourself to see, like, what the fucking problem is. Oh, is that what the person needs to do? We don't need to look at the fact that it's a giant fucking Ponzi scheme and inflation is out of control, and you can work 40 hours a fucking week and still not make your bills.

We're gonna blame the fucking person that's running on the wheel. Oh, Jesus, Bill. What a difference a fucking 12 hours makes.

Anywho, I went off the fast last night. Cause I actually have to go. I'm going to the gym today. I'm going to lift weights. And I was just feeling fucking weak.

So I'm like, all right, I owe a day to this thing. So I'm going to get on the other side of the Hollywood bowl. I'm not fucking going out there like that. Like one of those fucking singer songwriter chicks, remember from the nineties with the sleeves that went, like, past their hands and they were just up there being all fragile and they were just singing those fucking songs that whisper singing, I can't think of a fucking song. But there was a thing there where you went on stage as, like, a 30 pound fucking adult and just sang.

Sang about things, and you were just like, super depressed, depressed rock is that, is that what it was?

And then there was all these other sad women.

I always thought that was funny. Like sad rock. I'm sad. And we just, you know, you write a sad song, whatever. But the other nine fucking songs, you know, you going in the morning, but just to write an album.

Sadness to me is fucking hilarious. And then what? Everybody goes to the crowd, goes to the concert. Every just stands around being sad. Who the fuck isn't sad?

I don't want to stand around and address it.

Father of mine, tell me where have you been? All those sad song. Not saying that guy did only sad songs, but just like one after. I wish I was like you easily amused everybody always glorifies the fucking nineties. Wasn't the nineties was fucking awesome.

It was a lot of sad shit. Everybody was fucking sad. Eighties, everybody was happy, you know, cocaine, crack, crank, you know, fucking, we were, we were in the zone, man.

Anyways, that was just ten minutes of fucking. Not even thinking about what I was talking about. That's how that works. All right, so, Bill, like, when you come off a fast, like, what are the best things? You guys, you gotta watch out for this.

Cause it's all poison. I kind of feel like unless you just grow your own food. That was another thing too. That was the comments. It was either what the fuck?

Or people like, see, this is why I only eat at home. It's like, well, it's in the grocery stores too. And then somebody has to be like, this is why I grow my own meat. You know, you guys, if once you finish a pork chop, don't throw it out. Take the pork chop bone, here's a little trick.

Put it in the ground and grow some pork chops.

Oh, that was another thing. Pork chops. Things are going to most likely have some sort of fucking bacteria in it that's going to go to your brain. And I was just sitting there going like, all right. I know a lot.

Of this is true, but I'm walking down the street and I don't see people just randomly just screaming and grabbing their heads and convulsing on the ground.

I saw this fucking guy, he like. He'S like a doctor and he like, focuses in on a strawberry and there's all these bugs and shit crawling. All this fucking shit crawling on your eye right now. Does that mean I got to put. Baking soda on it?

Ah, geez, I'm all fucking worked up here. All right, that's the fucking Thursday afternoon. Jesus, Bill, take it easy. That's the Thursday afternoon. Just before Friday, Monday morning podcast.

Bill Burr
I hope you enjoyed it. Here we go, Bruins. Here we go, bum bum. Enjoy the music picked out by the. Incredibly talented Andrew Themlis.

And then we have a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. All right, have a great weekend. You can.

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 2, 2016. And I know I always make that joke, like, oh, my God, where is the year going? But seriously, guys, seriously, where the fuck is this year going? What the fuck?

May 2 already? May fucking second. We're getting ready for the summer into May. I'm psyched. I'm psyched that we're into may because may means we're closer to the middle of July.

And in the middle of July, I will be done writing, you know, helping to write the second season of f is for family. And then I'm free. Not really, but sort of. And I'll have two weeks off. And then old freckles, rumor has it, is going to be doing a nice run through Europe, so.

Which may or may not start in Ireland. It's all sort of loose at this point, but we're slugging it out, and I'm actually feeling much better, by the way, thank you for not asking. With my sciatica. Sciatica? That sounds like a fucking speed metal band, you know?

Not a good one, though, right? Come see my band, Sciatica. We're gonna be down at the ground round on Wednesday night. Okay, yeah, I'll definitely see it. All right, so, like, you think maybe you could, like, bring some people?

Hey, you know, I'm gonna do what I can. All right, so is that like, can I definitely put you down? Dude, fuck off. I'm. If I get there, I'll get there.

All right, bro, chill. Sciatica. Um, sorry, I actually. I got some. I found some new stretches.

I found this fucking guy on. On YouTube, this doctor who was just sitting on a yoga mat. One of these fucking new agey guys, you know what I mean? One of those guys that's, like, straight but still makes you uncomfortable.

You know those. You know those straight guys. Like, a straight up gay guy is not uncomfortable to be around, but there's a certain kind of straight guy that's coming off. Like, he's gay but he's straight. That is the most uncomfortable male to be around.

I don't know why. You know what I mean? It's almost like they got something between their teeth and you just can't even hear what the fuck they're saying. You want to be like, can you just go and get that the fuck out of here so I can listen to you? Is there a word for that?

The gay straight guy?

Yeah, Bill. It's called a gay guy in the closet. Or maybe it isn't. Some guys are just. Some guys are just effeminate.

Some guys just stand there in gym classes, one person after another is called to be on the team. That's a stereotype, right? There's gay athletes. There was that guy who played on the big twelve there in Missouri, and then he went to that football team, and then he got cut. It must have been hard to cut him, right?

All right. How bad does this guy have to suck before we won't get accused of being homophobic when we cut him? You know, that's always in the air. But that's not what I wanted to talk about. I'm here to talk about Sciatica at the Worcester centrum.

Turns out my hamstring was fucked up, so I was doing, like, the touch your toe stretches, which is the exact opposite thing that you want to do because the nerve is, like, pinched or inflamed, and you're just like. You're not stretching it. I guess you stretch the muscles, really. So whatever. And usually, I don't know, stretches around the nerve.

I have no idea. I never even heard of this fucking thing until I had this problem. And God knows I didn't take any anatomy classes. So I think when you don't have a nerve issue, you can then do that bend. Because what you're stretching really is just your muscle, your muscle fiber, the muscle tissue, and the nerves are just sort of chilling around it.

But when it gets pinched between the fucking anterior crucial ligament of the lower fucking vertebrae, tailbone, whatever the fuck it is, all I know is, like, fucking pulling a balloon. Uninflated balloon. I have no fucking analogy. I don't know what. All I know is it hurt.

So I put this guy on, this hippie guy, and he was just like, yeah, man. What you actually want to do is you don't. There's certain stretches that you want to do, and there's certain stretches that you don't want to do. And, you know, we're in an age right now. I'm so fucking impatient.

I was trying to skip ahead, but I just had to sit there, you know, everything I could do just to get through a nine minute video. It's only nine minutes out of my day, but there's, like, a flat screen tv with NBA and NHL playoffs going on, I got other videos I can click on. You know, as I'm sitting there trying to listen to this guy, I'm also looking at all the videos on the right. You know, there's free porn, there's all kinds of shit. And this guy is just sitting there going, you know, okay, good stretch that you want to do is actually, if you just sit down on your buttocks, make sure your weight is on your pelvic bones.

And it was driving me fucking insane, but whatever. I ended up doing the stretches, and I definitely feel better. So thanks to that guy, whatever his fucking name is. And I will definitely be posting those in case anybody else has that problem. If you're just sitting down in a chair and your feet go numb and shit, you could possibly have what I have, or you got a big dog sitting in your lap.

One or the other, I have no fucking idea. But I'm just happy that it, uh, that it feels better. And, um, I gotta tell you, all these fucking aches and pains that I'm having, I I knew this a long time ago. There's nothing better than stretching. Now that I've gone out and I've bought all this fucking rogue fitness shit, you know, to lift weights and all the atomic grips and all that shit, to do the ninja warrior stuff.

Like, the best thing I could be doing all that shit is that shit's all going to be great, provided I fucking stretch. But I don't know. I wish I knew way, way, way fucking back in the day to stretch. There was no stretching. In the eighties, you went to Gold's gym.

He just did the old, you know, you did the stretch you did before you started lifting in gold's gym back in the eighties. Do you remember fucking Chevy Chase when he's about ready to jump in the pool with Christie Brinklin when he's going, this is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy. You know, he's moving his fucking out. That's what you did. You did a couple of those, and then you did, like, you stuck your arm to the side and you did those fucking, you know, touch your left hand to your right toe and up and down, you know, one, two.

Fucking those military things. 1234. I love Marine Corps. You're doing that shit right without stretching. And then you would just fucking work out.

I fucked up myself so much. Fucked up my tricep, I tore a peck, you know? You know, it's funny. All of this shit's gonna come back to haunt me the next time I lose my fucking health insurance. If someone just listen to this podcast, enlist everything that I'm talking about as some sort of pre existing condition, you know, you probably go, well, Bill, you're doing well.

How do you keep losing your health insurance? Well, because you do an acting gig, they pay you one time, and then they start sending you residual checks for like, a dollar 35. And you have to make ten grand a year, minimal to keep your. Every single year, you gotta make it. You gotta make that or something like that to keep your fucking sag after fucking health insurance.

And, you know, if one year goes by and you're writing a show rather than being on the show, you fucking lose your. You end up losing. I mean, I do anyways. I haven't done enough. You know, I haven't done enough acting work, I guess.

You know, you think with 58, fast and furious, 47, Friday the 13th, you'd think I could catch on enough to make ten grand a year. You know what? I'm blaming the fucking after SAG health insurance. I think I got to take this one. I got to take this one myself.

I gotta look myself in the fucking mirror and be like, you know what, Bill? It's your goddamn fault. It's your own fucking fault. Don't you just go out and get blue cross blue shield. That's what I should do.

And I should just walk away from Sag Aftra, right? I don't fucking know. I'm a big advocate of that. You know, looking yourself in the mirror and being like, all right, you fucked up. As opposed to being like, you know, the world is unfair, which everybody knows it is, right?

But if you say, all right, I fucked up, then it actually gives you an option to be, okay, what can I do to lessen the fuck up? Because I know I'm gonna fuck up again. You know, like, if you're like, Caitlyn Jenner right now, rather than fucking filming yourself taking a piss in Trump's tower, you know, why don't you just look yourself in the mirror and be like, all right, how did I fuck this up? You know, for the first 66 years of my life, I had a definitive bathroom to go into. There wasn't any questions, nor did I have to film myself.

And then afterwards say, I didn't molest anybody. What has happened to that person? You know, that person has absolutely lost their fucking mind, who's walking around filming themselves taking a piss and then talking about child molesters. And I know what people would say, oh, you can't have these fucking former guys with boobs. Now they have, you know.

You know, they're transitioning people. They're going to fucking molest somebody, blah, blah, blah, blah. I know that that's what that whole fucking thing was supposed to be about, but, you know, I don't know. That just came off to me as shameless self promotion. I don't have anything against transgendered people, but that fucking dingbat.

It's funny. Dingbat is the proper word. Cause, you know, she identifies with the female sex. So I think Dingbat now works as opposed to douchebag. See, I kept the d.

I went. I went alliteration. Ice kid never fully. You know what? I would never call Bruce a douchebag because he was on the Wheaties box.

You know, I don't know about this caitlin, though, that. The jury's still out. Oh, Bruce did kill somebody. You know, accidentally. Caitlin has yet to accidentally kill somebody, so, you know, there's a lot of math to be done.

You know what? I strike all that. I think. I think she was right to film herself peeing in a skyscraper.

You know, whenever I see a video like that, I always wonder if people who are truly suffering around the world, if they ever get access to a laptop and just somehow that comes up on their fucking YouTube page, you know what I mean? They're just living, like, in, like, those people that. In, like, Brazil that live in those fucking trash heaps. If somehow they see fucking Caitlyn Jenner walking around acting like a victim, you know, wearing shoes that they probably fucking sew together at 03:00 in the fucking morning.

Oh, I know. I know. You're supposed to care about everything. I don't. I don't give a fuck.

You know what I give a shit about right now? Sciatica. Coming to the Providence. Oh, it's the Worcester Providence Civic Center. Worcester Civic center.

No. Ah, fuck. I can't even remember. That's all I give a shit about. I give a shit about, um, I don't know, being able to fucking reach down and pick up a dirty sock without having a fucking bolt of lightning go down the back of my leg.

That would be nice, right? Maybe I'm transitioning. I'm transitioning into a fucking old man right before my very eyes. You know, my fucking dog has just been. He just sleeps all damn day.

I know I always bring this shit up, but it just blows me away. I watch you around the block. That's it. That's all there was, man.

Anyway, so I've been watching as much as I can. My wife's been on the road, so I've immediately become a bachelor. However, I've kept this place pretty clean, you know? And that's a very important thing to do when you're married, is when your spouse leaves. You have to fucking show them that you can live without them.

I think that's a huge fucking thing. Like, she so wants to come home and just see this fucking place in absolute. Like, see that you couldn't live without me. You know what I mean? Which I couldn't.

I would be fucking devastated if she fucking left or anything. Obviously, I would be. But you know what I mean? You do have to have a little bit of self esteem. So I've gone back to the way I used to live.

Like, I have one plate, one fork. That's all I'm using. And I just put it in the sink. And if I need another one, I just wash that one. It's great.

It's nice and quick. Saves a lot of water, right? Ed Bagley Junior would be so fucking happy with me right now. One plate, one fork. I'm really into that type of shit, and it's very hard to be into that type of shit when you have a woman in your life, you know, not having a lot of stuff because bitches be liking stuff.

I don't know what it is they can't get enough of fucking Amazon. I wonder what percentage of people, you know, there's some fucking guy. But that doctor, that effeminate straight doctor that helped me with Sciatica. I bet he's on Amazon all the time, you know, trying to find a new pair of fucking puffy pants to match his sandals. Isn't it amazing that this guy helped me out the way he did?

And I'm so fucking damaged as a human being that I still have to make fun of him that way, you know? What do you want for me? So anyways, the update with the gym. All right. I'll actually show you guys before and after pictures when.

When I'm done. Because it's just a fucking garage. I don't give a shit if you see that. So I got the pegboard up. I actually.

What I had before was, you know those. You know those really long pegboards where your arms are really close together and they're like. They go on for fucking ever?

You know, my garage, you know, it has, like, a fucking eight foot ceiling. So that wasn't an option. So I bought two of those and mounted them sideways. So I used to just do the pegboard exercise sideways, you know, try to go all the way down and then come all the way back. And now where they moved them, they actually cut them in half and put all four side by side.

So the goal is eventually to go up one, down the other, up the third, and down the fourth. I got that up. I got the speed bag up. That's more for my wife. She's into that shit.

I don't give a fuck about that. You know, that's always. That was a big thing when I was growing up, having a heavy bag and all that shit, you know, and then people thought they were tougher because they were hitting a heavy bag that has no fucking arms or legs. You know, you were basically just. You.

You were beating up. You know, you were basically practicing to fight a cripple is all you were really doing. I mean, granted, there was cardio involved, but actually, I remember a long time ago seeing a fucking guy with no arms and no legs as a wrestler, and nobody could beat him. They just. There was nothing to hook.

And he. And he would just do. I don't know what he was doing, but he would somehow flip these people. It was like, can you just imagine wrestling just a rock, you know? But it was a long, flat one, and somehow it fucking could move.

I don't know. And it had a head on it. I don't know how to describe this fucking kid. All I know is he was winning. So maybe.

Maybe there is something about that. You know what? Can I backtrack? I don't think I've had one point that I've made in this entire podcast that I haven't. I haven't retracted from.

Well, you know what? It's a fucking election year.

Um, what's the guy. What's the other guy running? Other than Donald Trump? Hillary Clinton. Kidding.

Ted Cruz. Ted Cruz? I don't know anything about Ted Cruz, but evidently he's really interested about where Caitlyn Jenner drops a fucking deuce and Caitlyn made a fucking, oh, Snapchat. Fucking video, right? Is that what happened?

Is that what happened on fucking Facebook this week? I'm so out of the loop, everybody. So out of the loop. Just. Can you guys just ride with me for the next couple of fucking months as I spend my entire waking hours in a fucking writer's room?

I don't fucking see anything. I don't read anything. We just stare at a computer screen. I'm gonna need fucking glasses by the time I'm done with this shit, my act is drying up. Thank you.

Know what? I'm sitting here shitting on Caitlyn Jenner. Thank God she fucking made that video, because I ended up getting a great bit out of it this weekend. I fucked it up the first time, and then the next time it worked. So that's always great.

You got to love topical material. Topical material is like the Doritos of fucking stand up. You know what I mean? It's so fucking satisfying, but there's just no nutrition in it whatsoever.

But anyways, like I was saying before, I went down to the comedy store and, dude, you can't. I can't fucking believe it. It looks like a goddamn nightclub. There's all these young people in there. There's beautiful women all dressed up in shit, just having a great time.

Like, it's like, I don't know. I wasn't around during the eighties, but I don't know.

I don't know how it could have been any better, just as far as the sheer amount of people coming out. And they're in their laughers, too. So if you are in the LA area, it's a good time to go down there. And I was on, you know, the shows I was on was just fucking one monster fucking comic after another. That's probably another reason, like, one of my favorites, I consider him a new guy, is Chris D'Alia, who goes down there.

And what I love about that guy is just as a stand up comic, I love seeing a legitimate headliner. You know, there's a lot of people that can sell tickets. Cause they're on tv or they did a movie thing, or they took a piss in Donald Trump's fucking tower, right? Caitlyn Jenner would sell out a fucking improv. But there's very few people that could basically follow anybody, go out there and really level, like, the point at which that you have to level to really be considered a fucking headliner.

And, uh, this guy fucking does it. So, um, yeah, man, there was a bunch of people. Who the fuck was on the show? I went on after Dane Cook. He fucking murdered.

Um, I got there late on that one, and then the next show I was working with Chris Delia, and, um, Natasha Leggero was on. Bobby Lee, by the way. Speaking of Natasha, did anybody see the new Dice Clay fucking series? I love it. Did you see Adrian?

Oh, my God, I'm gonna fuck up his name. Is it Adrian Brody? Why don't I know anybody's name? He did this whole fucking thing where he was playing himself and he was, you know. And his next acting role was to play dice Clay.

Andrew Dice Clay in a biopic. So the whole episode he's trying to get dice. I don't want to ruin it. Just fucking watch it. His dice Clay is fucking tremendous.

And I don't know, speaking of the Worcester Centrum, I've always been a huge dice clay fan and I saw him. I know I've told this story before, but that's where I saw him in like 1988. I saw him at the Worcester Centrum with an unknown Eddie Griffin opening up. And it was sick. He fucking murdered.

He did a drum solo at the end of the end of it was one of the sickest shows I ever saw. And I still didn't realize that I wanted to be a comedian. That's how fucking dumb I was when I was growing up. Do you know I used to memorize comedy albums and I would ride around my bicycle doing my paper route, reciting those albums, pretending I was doing them in the school auditorium in front of the entire school. And it still never dawned on me, like, hey, Bill, that probably means that you want to be a comedian.

Like, I never. It never fucking dawned. It seemed like it was a million miles away. You know, we didn't have YouTube. You know, couldn't just film yourself taking a shit at a dairy Queen and say, take that, presidential candidate.

You couldn't fucking do that back then. Anyways, so as always, I'm going to talk about another car that I like and that I probably will never buy. I was watching something on that Tesla S and it's like this self driving fucking car and these two guy, computer looking guys. I'll say that because they both had glasses. So if you have glasses in my world, that means you're smart.

In a lot of people's world, it means that, you know, but, you know, I want to be politically correct. Maybe they were both a couple of fuck heads. But anyways, they were in this car and they put on this self driving mode and according to the video, they put blankets over themselves and they took a fucking nap.

Now, Tesla said that there's some alarming YouTube videos of people doing shit in their cars that you're not supposed to be doing, but they basically took a nap. And then somebody wrote in one of the comments underneath it, like, would you get arrested if you got shit faced? Put it on self driving mode and then sat in the backseat.

And you know me, you don't know me. Maybe you think you know me, but I'm always bitching about technology. I actually am coming around to this self driving car, just provided that you could still drive it if you want to because that is, that is pretty fucking cool. Do you realize, wow, fucking out of shape and like, you know how bad, like this is going to be for procrastinators? You know, the fact that they no longer have to drive themselves to work and they're going to be trying to finish their fucking presentation in their car.

You know, you've seen people brushing their teeth or just people literally with an eye mask on, just fucking sleeping in their jam jams and then they pull up to work. You know, like you set your car alarm and that's like your fucking alarm to wake you up, like when it stops and is in park, you know, maybe the horn just goes bad.

That'd be too jarring. That'd be too jarring for people of the future, right? They don't want to fucking deal with anything. They just want to lay around, right? So they fucking let you lay there in the car and you know, those fucking creepy self vibrating fucking seats when you get too close to something, maybe it does that.

You just lay in there, right? And it just sort of shakes you a little bit. And some weird creepy computer voice. You can pick the voice too, right? You don't got.

No, celebrities will jump all over that. They do the fucking voiceovers to make a little bit of cash because no one pays for movies anymore. And they're just sick of being in those mighty heroes fucking superhero movies one after another. They're literally out of ideas. Huh?

I mean, once you have like the superheroes fighting each other, they gotta be nervous in Hollywood just going like, where do we go from here? You know? Can we reboot this thing again? Can we reboot the fucking Joker and all that? You know what the funny thing is though, is people will keep showing up.

I guess that makes sense, right? God knows they've had the comic books forever and people keep reading those. You know what? I'm taking that one back. I'm wrong about that one again.

Have I been right yet? Fuck. Bunch of swings and misses.

So anyways, that Tesla s has another feature where you can like, call the car like a fucking dog. Like if it's in a tight parking spot, you can just go here, Tesla, Tesla, Tesla. Come here, buddy. Huh? You want to go for a drive, right?

And the thing just slowly backs up and it comes to you. It's literally, it's like the fucking night rider car. And like I said, I am usually anti technology and. But every once in a while something comes along and I, and I. Even me as much as a fucking freckled cunt that I am, I have to sit back and be like, you know what?

That's cool. So here's the thing. The car costs, like, I don't know, like, $120,000. So I imagine 90% of the people, you know, not trying to talk down to you, okay? We'll say 80% of you that listen to this fucking thing, right?

Just went like, oh, Jesus, I'll never be able to afford that. Yeah, you will. I'll tell you why, okay? I'll give you. I'll give you fucking three examples.

Calculators, roller blades and flat screen tvs. All of those things. When they came out, they were fucking ridiculously expensive. And then by the end of it, they gave them away with, like, a free tank of fucking gas. Well, maybe not the fucking flat screens, but you remember, like, we'll go back to calc.

When calculators first came out, they were $100 each. Something crazy like that. And then they just kept dropping, dropping, dropping, dropping, dropping, as more and more people bought them. And then they had the solar ones. And the next thing you know, you got a calculator with a fucking free fill up at the gas station.

Roller blades were always over $100, right? Then everybody had them. And then, like, well, what the fuck we gonna do with the rest of them? And next thing you know, they was $30, right? Flat screen tvs.

When they first came out, I, for some reason, remember them to be about eleven grand when they first came out, you know, and they were about as thick as my fucking head. Let me look this up here. Original price. Original price of flat screen tvs. I'm saying.

Eleven grand, flat screen, flat screen, falling, cost of flat screens.

Where the fob? Jesus Christ, I'll never find it. Oh, the price was 14,090, almost 15 grand. $999 for plasma tv, plasma display, tv, yada, yada, yada, advantages, disadvantages. Where the fuck was it?

History. So we'll go to the two thousands, 2000, a 40 inch tv cost. Oh, you know what? Go fuck yourself. I don't know where the fuck it was.

It actually came up and then I clicked on it. Then the information disappears. Sorry about that. I'm just saying. So I bet that Tesla, that technology will.

You know, it's like when airbags first came out, they were on mercedes. They protected the rich people first. And then once they got all the rich people's money, then they go, all right, you know what? Maybe we'll protect the middle class. And then eventually it gets all the way down to like, you know, like, there's starving kids in Africa that probably have rollerblades, you know what I mean?

And like, a Chicago Blackhawks 2016 advance to the second round t shirt, right? You know, they always get those fucking. They get those hats like, Boston Red Sox 1986 World Series champions. There's always somebody digging for a blood diamond wearing that shit. Buffalo bills four in a row.

You know, that's like, what a sex slave t shirt, you know, sex slave wears over in fucking, I don't know, one of those sex slave countries. Are you making light of the sex human sex trade? No, I'm just talking. I'm making fun of the Buffalo bills there. I feel for the person that has to was sold into sex slavery, but I don't feel bad for the Buffalo bills.

You know what I mean? You know why they lost all four of those? Because nice guys finished last, and Marv Levy is everything that Pete Carroll looks like he is. Pete Carroll is Marv Levy 2.0. Both of them just look like you could just trust him, you know?

I could leave a stack of fucking cash here right in front of him. My life savings. I will come back, and I'm going to be fine. And that is true with Marv Levy, and that's why he lost four super bowls. If you were to leave that with Pete Carroll, you know, I don't think I have to tell you that.

You know, there'd be some hooters chicks over there, and he had wing sauce on his face and be like, it's all there. Fuck you talking about? Why am I shitting on Pete Carroll? I know what you think of Bill. What about your coach?

What about fucking. What about Bill Belichick? Well, he doesn't look wholesome.

He looks like a mean dad, doesn't he? Like, oh, God, dad's home. God, he's such a douche. You know, that's. That's what he looks like Pete Carroll looks like, you know, Pete Carroll looks like he goes to church, you know?

And on the third day, Jesus will rise again. And then he's in the back and goes, whoo.

That Petey always gets excited during that part of the Jesus story. Oh, jeez.

Oh, what the fuck was with that guy? You know, I actually tweeted about that guy in the draft that got busted, you know, wearing the fucking gas mask, taking the fucking weed hit, and everybody gave me shit. You didn't watch the draft? It's like, dude, it kind of became. It went viral, actually.

It was actually texted to me by a. Another comedian. Was letting me know. He said in real time this guy was getting blackmailed, and I ended up watching the clips. Dude, that was.

That guy should fire his fucking agent yesterday. That poor bastard. Nobody. He had no advice. He was sitting there sweating.

If nobody came out, if that woman didn't say, hey, hey, that's enough. No more questions. If she didn't rescue him, that guy would still be sitting there, like, pouring sweat, answering ever every fucking question that they asked him. What's the most fucked up thing you ever jerked off to? Well, I would have to say, you know, it's just like, I don't know where his agent was, but he was somewhere high fiving himself, I think.

God damn it, that Tesla's a good looking car from the side. I just hate the front end. It's just weird, you know, because it doesn't need a fucking. Doesn't need a grill. Because it doesn't have a radiator, because it doesn't have an engine to fucking, you know, cool off or whatever I was gonna say would be cool if they just put it in there anyways.

But then air would get trapped in there. Was actually. Slow down. Dude, that's the fucking car. That's the car you want.

That thing is as fast. It actually beats a fucking Lamborghini. It beats a Ferrari zero to 60. It fucking smokes. That car literally smokes a fucking supercar.

Now when they get up to the higher gears, you know, fucking 70, 80 miles an hour, the Ferrari overtakes it. But who gives a fuck? Gives a fuck? 80, 90 miles an hour. I mean, I guess if the only reason to want a car going that fast is if you take it to the track, if you fucking drive 100 miles an hour on regular streets, you're a fucking asshole, and you're gonna kill somebody.

So you know what? God damn it. I think I'm gonna get that car. Oh, Jesus. That's a good looking car.

Get it in black, huh? With the red fucking calipers. Nah, I'm too fucking. I'm too frugal. Can't blow 120,000.

What's a fucking car payment on that?

It's a fucking mortgage. You could buy a third of Detroit for the amount of money you're gonna pay for a fucking tesla. That's insane. You know, I watch the trashiest fucking YouTube videos, and I really have to stop doing it because everything, like, for some reason, I was looking at the top ten inappropriate police officer pictures posted online, and then once you do that, then you're just stuck in this thing. Top ten things banned in the United States.

Inappropriate family photos that will make you cringe. You know, most of them are staged, but you still sit there and watch it. The top ten fucking creepy things ever dug up. The top ten weird things in the background is some whore took a picture of her fucking ass in a thong. Ten most dangerous gangs in the world.

All right, I'll look at this guy's all fucking tattooed up, holding the baby facts verse presents ten of the most dangerous gangs in the world. This is what I do when my wife's out of town. I watch playoff hockey, and then I have that on, and then I fucking sit here and I look at this shit. 15 most poisonous animals in the world. You know what it is?

I've seen every fail video at this point. Point. I've seen every people are awesome video. I've seen every fight video. I've seen every instant karma bully thing.

I just feel like I've seen everything that I give a fuck about. Instant karma fails. Five most dangerous people in the world. Ten actors who actually did it on screen. I didn't see that.

Wait a minute. What the fuck is this one? See, and now I'm not gonna watch the most dangerous ganks. You know, it's funny, is much most of you making fun of me right now. And the other the rest of you are googling this shit right now.

So anyways, let's see if I got any questions. Andrew sent me the fucking questions yet. Cause I don't have any of the advertising. I ain't got nothing. I'm trying to get this shit out of the fucking way.

Cause I gotta do a radio tour next week to hype all my dates coming up in Florida. Bill, you coming to Florida? You didn't mention that. Oh, yeah. Going to all the big cities, too.

I'm going to Orlando, right? Home of Disney World. Not like that small shit out here, right? Just Disneyland. This is Disney World.

May 6, I'm going to be at the seminal Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Hollywood, Florida. Then I'm going to be at the Hard Rock live in Orlando, Florida, doing two shows. And then on May 8, I'll be at the Times Union center for the Performing Arts, Morin Moran Modal Theater in Jacksonville, Florida. And hopefully I'll get there fucking early enough. I can go to a gun range and shoot some fucking guns with silencers.

That's some fun shit.

God damn it. That's a good time. Jacksonville is an underrated, under fucking rated city to go to. I know a lot of people shit on, you know, northern Florida. But I gotta be honest with you, I love a shit town, you know, there's fun to be had.

Anybody can go to fucking Miami, go to some fucking Botox party, whatever the fuck it is those people do down there. It's like you're not pretty enough. You gotta fucking laminate your face, you know? They're just weird. I like being in those, you know?

Tampa, Clearwater, Tallahassee, Orlando, Jacksonville. Orlando's not even bad. Orlando's like, sort of like Orange county. It just sort of. I don't know, it has that McMansion vibe, you know?

I don't know. But a lot of people live out that way because there's no state income tax. That's why so many Burt Reynolds ended up going out there. OJ Simpson, you know, all the people that had rough course cases, you know, double murders, divorces, all of that shit, you know, they all end up in Florida. That's when you know.

You know. You know, as you get fucking older, I think you just. That's. That's one of the major signs that you were basically very successful, but married the wrong person, slash maybe killed somebody, is you end up in Florida if you're not, like, indigenous to that area. Ooh, Bill, indigenous?

Somebody learned a fucking word, huh? All right, let's see if I can read some advertising here for the goddamn week. The goddamn week of May 2. You know, I always make, like, a mental note to myself at the beginning of May, even though I live out here in LA and the fucking weather's always great. Cause, like, I always just remember, like, I'd always be working and I'd be psyched that it was May.

And then before I realized that, it was into August, and I was thinking, like, wow, the first, like, 90 days of this shit. At least May and June. I think people. A lot of people take May and June. June for fucking granted.

I mean, I don't even know who I'm even speaking to at this point. Does anybody really even have four seasons anymore? But if you still live in an area like, this is the time where you got to be like, all right, let's make the most of the decent weather. All right, okay, enough with that shit. Let me read some of the.

Some of the advertising here for this week. All right, but let me go to the. Let me go to your questions for the week, ladies and gentlemen. The questions of the week.

Okay, here we go. Bike race accident. Dear Bill, did you see the video going around this weekend of the Brooklyn bike race pileup? No, I didn't. It really makes you question the hive mentality of those bikers.

I've been involved in some high speed activities, and their inability to stop or slow down properly is mind blowing. Give it a google. Come down to San Diego once in a while. No, I haven't seen that. But I do know that people on a regular basis, fucking die.

Not a regular basis, but you definitely die. It's how fast those fucking guys go. Yeah, you're riding a motorcycle without an engine, and.

Oh, you got those fucking little shorts on. Get that road rash. It's the exact same thing minus the muffler burn. But I actually. I'm a big fan of bike racing, though.

I always used to watch the Tour de France, and I loved watching Lance win fucking seven in a row, which he did. He won seven in a row, okay? Everybody from him all the way to the back of the race tested positive. So I'll never give up those seven. I'll always say that he won those fucking things.

And I gotta tell you something right now, I haven't watched it since then. Cause it's been boring without him, you know, it's like Tiger woods. Ever since his wife fucking flipped out on him, you know, and took half his money, the fucking guy hasn't won shit. And I never watch golf. I do like Phil Mickelson, though.

I like watching that guy. That guy. The guy fucking goes for it. He doesn't give a shit. He's like, yeah, you're behind a tree.

I don't give a fuck. I'm gonna slice right around this thing. I'm going for the pin. I don't know, maybe you should lay up. Hey, look at all this sweat I got out of my man tits.

You think I'm laying up? I'm already ready for a fucking Arnold Palmer. I'm going for the pin. That's what he does every time. All right.

Drum workout. Hey, Sir Billiam. Big fan of the podcast and thought I'd share this with you because I know how much you love drums and talking about working out. Oh, yeah. Recently, I.

I don't know how I. I missed out on Pantera. I just. You know, I could never get into that fucking type of singing. You know what I mean?

It's like, jesus Christ. I heard this in my house growing up. I don't. Music used to take me away from this shit, but just undeniably, Vinny Paul is one of the great rock drummers of all time, without a fucking doubt. And I don't think he gets the credit I was talking to my drum teacher about this, where he's a lot like Alex Van Halen, who's another one of the great drummers of all time.

But both of them, like, Alex, never got his due, I feel, because of Eddie. Eddie was just so fucking insane that everybody focused on him, and they didn't really even notice how great Alex was. And I feel like Pantera is the same thing. It's kind of creepy how, like, they both have brothers. Like, you know, they were innovated, innovative.

You know, Dimebag was just. There was nobody like either one of those guitar players, in fact, and anyone else's fuck to bring it full circle is, unfortunately, when Dimebag was murdered, I always heard that Eddie donated one of his. Like, he loved Eddie Van Halen, and Eddie donated one of his guitars. I think it was that black and yellow one. And they actually buried it with Dimebag.

So I don't know. It's kind of a morbid way to go around to say that Vinny Paul is a fucking amazing drummer. But I started listening to that song, I'm broken, and, you know, it's fucking killing me that I can't just sit down and try to figure that fucking song out because I, you know, I got to sit in this fucking writer's room. I'm really whining about the writer's room, you know? Cause I'm used to just fucking having my days to myself to just sit around, you know, staring at my dry me undies balls.

All right, drum workout. So this new workout, saw this new workout where you pretend to play the drums, which is currently available in the LA area. See the video link. Wanted to hear your thoughts, comment on these modern gym classes these days. Time to start soundproofing that garage gym.

Thanks for let for the laughs and go fuck yourself. Well, why would. I don't understand, like, guitar hero or even. I haven't even looked at this fucking workout class. Like, why wouldn't you just learn how to play drums?

Oh, they're not pretending to play drums. They have sticks. Oh, God. Is this gonna be white people trying to be tribal?

Oh, yeah. It's sort of aerobics. And they're just playing beats with sticks and stuff.

Oh, my God, this. Oh, this is giving me douche chills.

Ah. They're like, oh, God. And it always has to be the person wearing the hat inside the knitted hat.

Just when you thought that awful look went away, you know, the guy with the fucking skinny jeans, the t shirt, and then, like, I'm gonna have a snowball fight. Hat on.

Pretending to play the drums is now a hot new workout. Well, they weren't really pretending. They were actually hitting the floor with them and stuff and hitting the sticks. Somebody said there was already a dance from form in India called Danya Dania, which has the same concept of dancing with sticks in a thousand plus years old tradition. Oh, what a surprise.

What a surprise. Did somebody already come up with that? Look, if that gets people in shape, it actually kind of looks like fun, but my ears couldn't handle. I'd have to have fucking ear plugs in.

I don't know, but everyone was making those guitar hero rocket rocking out faces. But what would be cool is if that actually, you know, if you're taking one of those classes and you actually want to learn how to play drums, but, you know, you can't really play because you have an apartment. I cannot recommend those Roland v drums enough. They're fucking amazing. And I told you when I had two of those kits when I was in New York, it's kind of weird because it's like a computer.

Like, it gets old and then the new one's better, and then you're like. Because, you know, if it was an acoustic, like a regular drum kit, you'd just keep it. Drums are fucking drums. But they get the new brains and they're better. And I don't know.

You just keep. You just keep. I don't know. It's a lot of fucking money, but they're fucking awesome. So if you lived like, the way I did, where I had a neighbor underneath me, I went downstairs and I knocked on the guy's door, and I said, listen, I practice drums.

When do you work? I'll only practice during those hours. If you're ever home. When I'm practicing, here's my phone number. Call me the second I pick up.

You tell me to stop, I will immediately stop. We actually still had a problem because the first time he heard me playing, he. I said, hello. He goes, can you knock it off? And I just fucking snapped on the guy.

I was like, dude, don't fucking say that. Like, he asked me twelve fucking times and did all that shit, and then he never called me again. Fucking dickhead. Although, you know, in defense of him, I can't imagine what that sounded like underneath, you know? Ah, Jesus.

I'm just fucking. I'm just. Just retracting every fucking statement. All right, shoot matches. Dear Billy, Bangers and M A S H.

You were talking about shoot matches on this Thursday's podcast. For those of you who didn't listen. A shoot match is a wrestling term where basically, you know, the sports entertainment, you know, it's a fake fight, even though they really hurt each other, but, you know, it's worked out. It's sports entertainment, so technically it's fake. Even though they're really throwing each other and getting hurt, it is fake.

What happens in a shoot match is somebody fucking snaps and becomes a real fight and starts beating the shit out of the person for real. So he said, if you're into those shoot matches, you should definitely look up a wrestler named New Jack the psycho was known for frequently shooting on other wrestlers for the most minor things. In one case, he thought a tag team was trying to steal his gangster image, so he hit them with chairs full force, stabbed them in the head with forks, etcetera. And in another match, he basically tries to murder a 60 something year old man. Those matches are brutal as fuck, man.

You should check them out. I actually saw those. Yeah, that guy has, like, psychological damages. Damages, psychological damage.

I knew a guy like that when I was growing up. He went to fucking cop school. Surprise, surprise. You know, fucking maniacs who like to be violent, like, they always end up somehow being bouncers and cops. I'm not saying they're all like that.

I'm just saying it's like, you know, people that want to fuck kids, you know, they're all about volunteering to take them out into the woods. Not saying every cup scout master is one of them. I'm just saying, you know, people who want to beat the fuck out of people and don't want to go to jail, get jobs where they have the authority to beat the fuck out of somebody. So this fucking lunatic, so he comes back from, like, his weekend at cop school, and I don't know what he did. He never got accepted.

They just were like, tryout thing. I don't know. I can't remember. So fucking long ago. So he wants to show me this move that he learned, and he was doing it in slow motion.

And then I remember he just fucking looked up at the ceiling, you know? Do you remember how, like, that dude in full metal jacket, when he's like, I am in a world of shit, private Joker? You know that thing, right? He fucking looked up like that and just fucking full force did the move, and I heard my fucking wrist snap, and I forget how many times I punched him in the side of the head. I was so fucking mad at him, and I was really just mad at myself because I knew that he was one of those guys.

Like, he just fucking, like he was one of those. He was one of the exact type of personality that you do not teach that type of shit to because just he was a dope. He never felt like he had power in life. And then he had this new move and he just couldn't handle it. It was like, you know, the whole thing when they always talk like a baby poisonous snake is the worst.

Is worse than getting bit by an adult baby snake because the adult baby snake sort of rations out the poison where the baby just gives you fucking both barrels. That's, that's what the fuck he did. He had the mentality of a fucking baby reptiles. What I'm saying. And he fucking jacked up my goddamn wrist.

And hey. And you know what? It became a fucking shoot match. He was supposed to just show it to me and I just fucking drilled him in the side of, of the head like fucking six times as hard as I fucking could. I was so fucking mad at him.

And I remember we were both drunk. Ah, that fucking idiot. God bless him. Um, anyways, moving ahead here, that was a throwback Thursday story. All right?

Fight dear Billy boy band. Billy boy band. All right, everyone's been asked, everyone's always asking for advice. So here's a rhetorical who wins in a fight to the death between a silverback gorilla and a grizzly bear? One's got iq and mad upper body.

The other has razor sharp claws and skull crushing jaws.

Thanks. And go sit on it repeatedly. I don't know what that means. Is that like a happy days reference?

I would say it depends on if it's a. I'm rooting. I would go with the home team. All right? If it's a home game for the grizzly bear and they're out in an open field and there's no fucking tree for the gorilla to fucking go up and then come back down, go up, you know, do that fucking monkey shit where they slap you in the fucking head.

I would, I would say the grizzly wins because, you know, the gorillas can ball up its fists, but, you know, you're fighting. It's like you're fighting Freddy Krueger and he's got two gloves. Four gloves, actually. I would say.

I don't know. And I got to admit, like, I think, I think gorillas are chill. Like, I don't think they really like doing that stuff. And I've watched him fight other fucking gorillas and, you know, there's a lot of clutching and grabbing and shit. And I've watched two grizzly bears go at it, and it's fucking devastating where you're like, how is one of them not dead?

So I would say a grizzly bear?

I don't know. And I'm sure over in Asia that they have those fights on the weekends.

Somewhere in Asia. They're doing that right now.

Because when I go on YouTube, I'm just basing that on, you know, you go on YouTube, there's actually black and white footage of, like, lions fighting tigers and shit like that and fucking cobras fighting these things. And, you know, it's not alligators versus fucking cobras or whatever the fuck. They always just, you know, like, over in Asia, like the original MMA, you know, UFC type of shit was actually animals versus animals, you know? I mean, you got to give it up to them. I mean, I know that we.

We ask those questions here over in Asia, they actually get it done, you know, which makes. Means that they're actually killing it more in the realm of. Don't tell me, show me. They're taking the initiative is all I'm saying. All right, here we go.

We got a couple more here. All right, let me read the last two fucking advertising. Really quick. Advertising advertisements. Jesus Christ.

Isn't it amazing sometimes that English is my first language? By the way, I'm 64 days in with my French. I'm learning past tense stuff. I can look at it and I can translate it, but I can't recall it because I have no one to speak it with. But I have to think that it's helping me on some level.

I think I'll be able to read a newspaper by the time I get to fucking France. The next time, I just won't be able to talk to anybody.

Whatever. I'll figure something out. All right. All right, here we go. And what do I got here?

I got the questions. The last two here, all right, Tom Brady and Jim are say, all right, even I'm sick of this fucking story at this point. What up, Billy boy? Big fan of your bi blah blah blah blah blah. Of course, the Pats didn't beat the Colts by 34 because of a deflated ball.

Deflated balls. That's not the point, though. Here's an example. If a baseball player is on steroid but goes zero for five on a particular day, what do you mean? That's not the point, though.

I don't know what point you made.

I guess you're saying the deflated ball didn't affect the outcome. If a baseball player is on steroid but goes zero for five on a particular day. Does that mean he didn't cheat? Of course not. I hate people who do this, who ask questions.

For me, the point I'm making is that it's not about the results. It's about breaking the rules. See, this is why I can't stand people. That's not. This is not what that decision was about.

Tom Brady's was his suspension was reinstated, not because it was proven that he cheated. This last trial was all about, does a corporation have a right to discipline its employee? That's what it was about. That's what the NFL was fighting, because Tom Brady opened up a can of worms, which was basically like, we're your boss, and we said, you're suspended. He appealed it outside of the NFL into a court of law, which, of course, it didn't fucking hold up because it was a complete kangaroo court horseshit fucking thing that happened, you know, where the owner of the other fucking team hires a guy to find dirt on the other fucking team, which you can do on anybody, right?

And then one guy plays judge, jury in executioner. You take it into a court of law. I knew that thing would get laughed out of court, which it fucking did. And Jim Rsay was looked to be a fucking moron. So then what happened, sir, is they changed their argument.

They then went back to say, listen, we are the NFL, the corporation known as the National Football League. Tom Brady is an employee, all right? We said that he suspended. We are his boss. Do we argue that we have the right to suspend our own employees?

That's what it was about. Okay, so this is what kills me about all these people, including Michael, Michael Rapaport, who texted me, right? He fucking texted me. And he goes, haha, motherfucker. Guilty until proven innocent.

Like. Like Tom Brady was, Reese. Like his suspension was reactivated, thus vindicating everybody that says Tom Brady's a cheat. You guys are not paying attention to the fucking story. That's not what happened.

What happened was the NFL, in a court of law, won the right to suspend Tom Brady because Tom Brady is a fucking. Oh, God. Is there anything more relentless than when your fucking wife calls? Jesus Christ. I got two more minutes here.

All right, I'll answer it. Here. Hang on a second. I'll answer it. Hello?

Hello? It's connecting. Hey, I'm finishing my podcast. That's why I have a microphone and headphones on. I'll try.

Call you right back, cutie. Bye. Anyways, that's what happened. So I'll read the rest of this guy's shit. Most Buffalo wild wing dopes think what happened was the NFL appealed it and it got proven that Tom Brady is, in fact, a cheater.

That. That was never proven. It was never proven. All right? So I don't know what.

So he goes, if Brady broke the rule, then he should be punished. I don't know if he did or he didn't. I'm just tired of the argument that since Pat's, the Pats blew out the Colts. It doesn't matter. Another thing, you always say that the Colts owner got rules changed to benefit his teams.

What rules were changed? As far as I know, he only asked that the league enforce rules that were already in place. No, he sat on the rules committee.

When we beat him and we roughed up his receivers, he bitched to the referees, and the referees said, that's legal. He then made a tape. He and Peyton Manning made a tape, went to the NFL, and the NFL said, that's legal. Jim Mercy got on the rules committee. He spearheaded a movement to make the way we covered their receivers not legal.

Okay? The Colts had a better offense than we did at the time. We had a better defense. He made a rule change that tipped it in favor of him. This guy is fucking filthy.

He's fucking filthy. Those are what changed. And why do I have to tell you that? Why don't you fucking look it up like you can't find it? Anyways, he goes, as far as I know, he only asked for the.

No. Yeah. As far as you know. Yeah, because you didn't look it up. The five yard rule for receivers has been around forever.

No, it hasn't. No, it hasn't. That happened in my lifetime. The first thing it was was the Mel blunt rule when he beat the shit out of golden Richards in the Super bowl. Don't fucking.

You're speaking in general. He said, I can't fucking. I can't stand people like this. Oh, that's been around forever. Oh, this blow, blow.

Oh, this. They don't even look it up. That's like versi when verse. He fucking goes like, you know, Joe Montana had Jerry rice. It's like he didn't have him for his first two Super Bowls.

He had nobody in 81. He had Freddie Salmon and Dwight Clark. Those were his number one and two receivers. And he had some guy, Earl Cooper, as a fucking running back. He won with nobody.

He won with people. He won with stars. He won with people. He won with stars. Right?

He's fucking millennials. I don't understand him. Whatever premillennials they just don't look anything. He said, irsay simply wanted it enforced. What's wrong with that?

Please respond on your podcast. Even if you shit on me, I'll remain a listener. You're a funny motherfucker, dude. That's not what fucking happened. And all of this shit happened in your lifetime.

You're just having selective memory.

He fucking, he said to the referees, look at this tape. Look what they did. They go, yeah, we saw it. That's legal.

Unreal. Unreal. And then they made the tape. How do you forget this shit? It was like, a little over ten years ago.

Go look it up. That's what the fuck happened. And then it became. Then it became, you can't touch them at all. It wasn't after five yards.

It wasn't before the five yards they were touching. It was after them. The physical contact that they were having after that, that they were bitching about. And then that's when it came, okay, you can do the five yard chuck. And then after that bullshit, you can't touch anybody at all.

Used to be able to hand check. I'm not saying, like, you know that, you know, ten years ago, you could fucking beat the shit out of me. I'm not saying that. But it's gradually kept moving towards what Jim Mercy finally had was like, okay, you can push the guy, you know, in the first five yards. And then this is the Jim or the Jim.

Rsay ruled is then after that, you can't do anything. Okay? Which is why right after that, all of a sudden, all of Dan Marino's records started falling right and left. I remember one year, there was, like, drew blease, Drew Brees, Peyton Manning, and, like, fucking Tom Brady were all on pace to break his, like, almost 30 year old record of yards in a season.

Because of those ridiculous things, it became almost illegal to cover a receiver. It was never like that when I was growing up, ever. And if you don't believe me, do your homework. Go look at. Go look at old NFL footage.

The shit that you could do. The NBA is the same fucking way. You could beat the shit out of somebody if they came down the fucking lane. I mean, what Kevin McHale did to Kurt Rambus, I mean, back in the day, that would be like a ten game suspension or whatever it would be. You'd be suspended for a number of games.

And as far as I know, nobody even got thrown out. But I am going back, like, 30 years. So please just. I don't give a fuck if you want to shit on my team. But just do your homework.

That last trial was about a corporation's right to suspend an employee. That's what it was about. It wasn't about whether Tom Brady was guilty. And for all you cunts out there who are just obsessed with this air pressure, what if Tom Brady had fucking steroids delivered to his fucking mailbox in his wife's name? Give me a fucking break already.

And even then, I got to be honest with you. I don't think steroids change the outcome of the game. They help your personal performance. But if steroids just meant you won the game, then, you know, teams that did steroids when they just go undefeated, I don't know, it gives you a competitive edge. It does.

And, you know, whatever. I am not against steroids. I think steroids should be fucking legalized. They should be researched to the hilt and just literally for the quality of life that everyone's going to have. I mean, singers blow out their voices, they get to take a steroid and they go out and sing their fucking song.

Nobody in the crowd says that they cheated, right? I don't know. Anyways, let's plow ahead. Whatever. I'm fucking, I'm done arguing that.

Especially at this point when all of that information that I just said is out there, I might have had a couple of things wrong because I don't have literally the documents in front of me. But basically what I'm saying is true and I just don't want to argue this shit anymore. Okay? No matter what, this guy's going to get suspended because at the end of the day he works for this fucking corporation. And you know what?

The NFL is actually right. I think they're wrong to suspend Tom Brady. I think that the investigation and all that was an absolute fucking witch hunt. I think all of that is bullshit. But I do think that the NFL as a corporation has to maintain the right to suspend somebody.

So if the bus has to roll over Tom Brady, then so be it because it's going to make for a better league. Because if he gets away with this, then everybody's going to appeal it outside of the NFL and then they lose control. And as much as I'm not a fan of monopolies, as a sports fan, it works out great. Like the UFC is the shit because the fighters have no options. I feel bad for those guys, but it's great for me as a fight fan because the best guys have to fight the best guys.

All right, advice I smell. All right, I have a, I have a crippling health issue since I was a kid. I fucking stink. People tell me I smell moldy. No doctor knows why cologne and deodorants can't mask it.

Oh, my God. He goes, the odor actually gets stronger when I use those things. Showering doesn't help, so I am left alone with this issue. I am trying to eat as healthy as possible and exercise every day, which seems to reduce the problem by 50%, which sounds like a lot, but still doesn't satisfy me. I think it's a metabolic issue, which I don't even know what that is.

And the body is trying to get rid of the toxins through the skin. Not sure, though. Either way, my whole life revolves around this shit, and it led me through episodes of depressions as a teenager, and I even considered throwing myself off a bridge or in front of one of those great white trains us Germans are making. But life is actually decent despite this issue. I can't attend any college classes because of the anxiety, but I have a great amount of friends.

I'm happy, funny. All right, looking guy. And my game is all right, so I still get my dick wet sometimes. Gross. Can't lock down any girl, though, for obvious reasons.

I don't even know why I wrote all of this, but I just wanted to tell you that this podcast and your comedy are really stimulating my butt stinking brain. Please come to Germany so we can see your show, and I can harass your nose. Thanks for reading, and go fuck yourself and your dog. Just kidding. I like your dog.

Just go fuck yourself. All right, dude.

I would just keep going to doctors. I bet they could figure something out, you know, there's got to be some new agey type of thing, some sort of detox. If it's your body getting rid of a toxin, maybe you're allergic to something. I have no idea. I am obviously not a doctor here, but detox, fasting, changing your diet, there's got to be a way to do that.

I remember a long time ago, there was some woman that just was talking about she had brutal halitosis, which is, you know, your breath fucking stinks. It was fucking brutal. And it turned out she had some sort of sinus infection, and then once they cleared that up, her fucking. Her breath was fine. So I bet you have this.

You know, if I had to guess, there's something undiagnosed, you know? Oh, God, I'm so in over my head. You got something? Maybe you have some sort of fucking infection. I have no fucking idea.

And I bet, you know, there's got to be something that this. If somebody can take a nap and drive to fucking work and not kill anybody, they got to figure out why you're moldy. I would just keep going to specialists, and if you guys have nationwide healthcare over there, I would just. That would be my new hobby, you know, and just keep adding to your file, and somebody comes in, and somebody will finally crack the fucking case as to why you smell moldy. I bet they can figure it out, you know?

And then what would be great is you went through the alienation of this, so you got the sense of humor that comes from feeling alienated. And I. Your life will be a fucking joke after that. I mean, think about it, dude. If you could just stop smelling moldy, I would think that that's the number one thing, and then you'd be happy, you know?

Your life would be a fucking joke. So if you have nationwide healthcare, I would be seeing a doctor, like, fucking every couple of days. All right, buddy. It's like you're pulling people out of the crowd to hit the half court shot. Eventually, it's the.

The ball's gonna go in. I believe in. Dude, it's fucking Germany. You guys got. You guys fucking, you know, half our space program we stole from you guys.

The whole seeds of it. Audio tape, all that shit. You guys had better machine guns than we did. Ours would overheat. So if we killed you, we actually picked.

We dropped our guns and picked up your machine guns. There's no fucking way in 2016 they can't figure out why you're moldy. I feel bad for. For you, man. I'm rooting for you, and I hope you figure it out before you come out to my show.

And I should probably know the answer if they didn't, you know? All right, go fuck yourselves. Have a great weekend. I'll check in on you on Thursday. See you, Bruno.

Can I have my vocals? And I need to hear. Yeah. More, more, more.

This is a nice spot to sit.

I have no vocals.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 5-2-24

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1: Hollywood Bowl Anticipation

2: Sports Updates

3: "Unfrosted" Movie Premiere

4: Ruminations on Technology

5: Personal Stories and Observations

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