Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-25-24

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm just checking in on you. Shoot the fucking thing. Sorry. Burr
I got the Bruins and the Celtics on right now. Who's wearing Jay Miller's old number? That's sacrilegious. He could at least be in our ring of honor, huh?

As predicted on Monday. I told you these maple Leafs are not done. How could. How can you just keep losing playoff series? And I said, they have fucking great fans.

Bill Burr
How they keep showing up. But we're coming out of the period, and they're. They're all still downstairs showing or something. A whole bunch of empty seats. That's got to be in between periods.

It was a long line. Those Canadians drank too many Molsons. I love that people think that people in Canada drink Molson.

They're not. You know what they drink? They drink american beers, because America is the greatest country, which is why the state manly cup has been in America for over 31 years. You know, if Canada was a better country, we'd be down here drinking Molson. Nobody drinks Molson.

I don't care what you name your fucking arena after. Why did I think it was the Molson center? It isn't. It's the Scotia bank arena. They also got the Celtics on.

They're in a game with the fucking Jimmy Butlerless Miami Heat. Fucking unbelievable. Although I did kind of see that coming throughout the year when we would get into games with, like, the fucking Charlotte Hornets. All right, here we go. Little bit of a run here.

5955, Celtics. All right, people at the garden starting to stand up.

I will say this. I'm going to miss the gold in the Bruins uniform. I just thought, you know, usually when they dick around with the uniform, I don't like it, but those. Those uniforms looked really sharp with that gold. But I think the penguins have the gold, so you can't do that.

Although they came back to the league and fucking took our colors, they didn't give a shit. And their whole thing was like, well, the penguins were around before the Bruins. Yeah, and then they folded and you gave up your fucking colors. Would you. What'd you do, the save my seat version of fucking sports?

Anyway, if you haven't figured it out yet, well, I guess you'll hear this tomorrow. We are in a series here with these Toronto maple leafs up and down the fucking ice. It's zero to zero. Both teams feeling each other out like two fighters that respect each other in the first fucking round.

Anywho, old Billy, fucking slimfast. Oh, Billy, Billy flat tits. Oh, Billy. Fucking getting after it. I'm fucking, I'm telling you right now, no steroids either, people.

None of this testosterone with my pepperoni on my fucking pizza. None of this shit. I am fucking all natural. Old dad. Torso coming down to the pool, appendix scar and everything.

Um, no, I am very, I am very proud of myself. I've been, uh. No bread. The fuck was wrong with that? Pass.

Is that offsides? Jolly coil? Um, no bread. Drinking water, no booze. Just eating proteins with vegetables and eating the vegetables first.

Bill Burr
And I am totally used to it. And I got to tell you guys something. All of these stupid fucking things you see on tv, you know, you know, they come on late at night and they're like, hey, are you a fat fuck? Can you just not get into these jeans? And then there's somebody fat looking at the camera, like, shaking their head, you know, why don't you get on this?

Why don't you get on that? You don't need to do that. You don't need to do it. I'm telling you, it's working for me. Therefore it means it's going to work for everybody because that's, that's how human beings think.

I'm just saying it's working for me. I'm not going to lie to you. It sucks at first, but then you get used to it. And I just went to the movies. Oh, they give it away in their own fucking end.

I love it. Ah, shit. Nothing.

Bill Burr
I went to the movies and all I got was a water. And I was looking at all of this shit that I used to order when I would get up to the counter, I get the popcorn, I get myself some fucking. The yellow M and M's, the one with the nuts in them.

I'll tell you, if I ran a movie theater, right, a single screen, you know, we're gonna survive this shit. Movie theater. I would bring in those almond ones. You know, it's always the plain M and Ms, which are just fucking. Nobody can eat a whole package of those plain M and Ms and not be regretting it two thirds of the way through as, like, you literally feel your body going like, dude, that's enough sugar for the year.

I don't know what it is about the plain M and Ms, but there's something wrong about them. That's like the gin of the chocolate world, you know, where like, you drink gin and then you just become this fucking. I don't know what you go from like a 21 year old to like a fucking 63 year old, divorced three times, sort of surly. He becomes surly.

Yeah, that's the sugar version. I'm into them with the, you know, the yellow ones, the peanut ones, but everyone, why can't they go almond? Anyway, speaking of that, I brought my truck in to get serviced and I went over to this old school Ford dealership out here. Treated me right, and I pull in, you know, I ordered my truck and it took almost a year for it to fucking arrive. And I pull in and everybody, oh, it's a nice truck.

You know, all the salesmen, they like it, you know, you don't see many, too many regular cabs. No, you do not, sir. No, you do not. And as I'm all proud of my truck and I park, I look over and what do I see? I see three trucks, brand new.

And they got the two tone paint like they did. I want to say right up through like the 9th generation, like factory, you could get that two tone, or maybe the 8th generation ones, the like 92, whatever, but. And right up to the OJ Simpson one those years that was a 9th, 9th generation, they will make 9th generation fords, pickups. I don't know where the Bronco was at that point. I would say, well, they had the first ones that were small and then they went to the big one in 78 or 79, and then they were all big.

And then the fucking thing went away. Went away. Sometimes in the nineties. What am I talking about? Anyway, I saw them, the two tones, and I was like, are you guys offering two tone colors now did you go back to that?

And they were like, no, no, no, those are, those are custom. And I was like, all right, good. All right, good. And then they, you know, they treated me right, you know, old school style. None of this Jiffy Lube bullshit.

So sorry. This is what happens when I'm, like, watching a game. I start talking about not going to Jiffy Lube and going to a car dealership. Instead. I mentioned, or maybe I didn't mention, I did mention, OJ Simpson.

Now, one of the most amazing things about when OJ died and they were showing his football highlights, you know, and then also all the people that like, you know, are furious, still furious at him for killing two people. It's a bad look for my people because there's a lot of white people that have done the exact same thing to other people, and we just don't seem to have the same passion.

That's the funny thing about race. It's really, like, sports teams. It's like, my team cheats. Your does, you know, your team cheats, mine doesn't. All right, I'm going to go out here.

I'm just going to. This is my hot take on sports. I don't need to see these fucking jerk offs walking into the arena with their dumb suits and their stupid fucking headphones on. Now they're doing it with, like, hockey players because it became such a thing with, like, NBA players, and then they started dressing to it to build their brand. It's like, I don't care about your suit.

Bill Burr
Your balls are going to be sweating within ten fucking minutes. Why do I give a shit about your haberdashery? Money on the fucking game.

How many more sports do you think. Are going to do it? They do it in football, they do it in basketball, they do it in football. Basketball players seem to have the most fun with it. Football players, a little boring.

Hockey players, I mean, they just. They look like agents. Like it was all muted colors just walking in there. Does it keep going? Am I gonna watch jockeys?

You know, their little legs walking in. What are you wearing? Is that. Oh, my God. I came in through.

What's. What's one of those? Burberry. Oh, my God. Tyler hero's killing us every time I go on it.

They're showing a fucking three point ago. Oh, it's half time. All right, all right. The TNT American Express, what are they doing now? Another guy's going over here to the giant board so he can draw it out.

You know, I'm so glad they finally have a screen, because back in the day, when people at halftime would talk about the game, I had no idea what they were doing until they diagrammed the whole fucking thing out. Oh, grumpy old man. He's a grumpy old man. No, I'm just upset because I have a bad fucking feeling about both of these games.

I feel like the Maple Leafs somehow adjusted midway through the second game, and now we've adjusted to their adjustment, and now we're staring each other, and whoever scores first is going to fucking win this. This is one of these games. Look at the head of hair on. The coach of the Maple Leafs. God damn, if his hair.

If their game plan was as good as his fucking hair, they would have another fucking Stanley cup comment to him. You silver Fox son of a bitch. That guy could literally read the news and the country would believe him. All right. Did I ever tell you how much Austin Matthews attempt at growing a mustache?

Annoys me that Salvador Dolly fucking thing, he always grows. Phenomenal hockey player.

Anyway. I got a lot of nerve as a bald son of a bitch and a ginger on top of it. The double whammy. Charlie Coyle with a hand pass. That's okay in your own zone now, is that what they're saying?

But you can't, still can't cover it in the crease. That's a penalty shot. We all up to speed. Have you guys been watching those videos trying to figure out like, how a kickoff's going to work? They're going to stand a half a yard away from each other and the receiving team can't move until the guy catches the ball.

Well, how are they going to cut the ball? Um, why don't they just move the kicker back so they'll return the ball? Why don't they do that, you know? And once again, that was Jim Ersay and he was all pissed because the jets returned a fucking kick at the end of the game and they ended up losing in the fucking playoffs. And the next thing you know, they fucking moved the kicker up so they'd kick it out of the fucking end zone.

I'm blaming him for that one. I blame Jim Rsay for fucking everything.

Anyway, I am going to Phoenix, Arizona, for not one show, not two shows, not three, four shows. First three have sold out. There's still a few tickets left for the, for the Sunday show. And I'm going to be out there with Vinny Mark. And did they just knock down our goaltender and we didn't do anything about it?

Is that what the fuck just happened? Nobody did anything.

Was that Domi?

Why does it say pizza pizza on their helmet? We need to utilize this blank space so we could try to make more money. I mean, if we do that, that. Well, that'll pay for all the pucks we're going to use this year.

Do you think that's why they put the nets up? It wasn't to protect the fans as much as it was to save money on pucks going into the stands. Who knows? I like to think hockey thinks about their fans first anyway, so I'm going to be going out there. I'm going out there with Vinnie Mack and Paul Versi is coming into town on the weekend.

Me and Verzi had a great time last time we were out there, so he had a weekend off and I asked him if he would do me the honors and he's coming out, so it should be a sick ass show. And I'm gonna have a hard time following both of those guys. So what am I gonna do when I get out there? What does one person do when you go to Arizona? Grand Canyon?

You don't want to go. I don't camp. I don't camp. I am a. I'm an indoor dog.

I don't do that. I don't do none of that shit. None of that outdoorsy shit. And, Bill, what are you gonna do someday when the dollar collapses in, the food supply goes, I'm gonna die, and I will be a food source for you. Okay?

Right. Even in my death, I'll still be a giver, you know, guys. Cause that's just how I'm wired, you know? I guess I care too much. No, it's more just like, you know, I don't have time to learn how to survive, all right?

Bill Burr
It's like I learned how to, like, write jokes, you know, I'm trying to get better at drums. I got a pilot's license. I don't have time to do this survival shit, too. You know what I mean? Because then everything suffers.

And the odds of the apocalypse happening in your lifetime, I mean, everyone has just been predicting it forever. That's what's funny, is if you go back and you watch all of these movies from the 19 hundreds, something about the year 2000, they thought it was all going to end in the year 2000. It was going to end and Jesus was coming back. The apocalypse, it's going to be World War three. Before that.

Before that, earlier in the century. 1984. Oh, my God, by 1984, all of this shit that they say in the book, which really is happening now, he just. He was a little too early. Oh, point blank.

Save on Tyler Matthews moustache. Moustache.

Anyway.

Bill Burr
I just, you know, I think a lot of shit's gonna change in my lifetime, but I don't think the end of the world is coming unless a fucking asteroid hits us and then there's really no surviving that, right? That's gonna be fascinating. Like, on a reset. Like, what's gonna. Like.

Like, who would survive that? You know, there's a lot of liberals out here in Hollywood that make fun of red hatted people, but a lot of them know how to live outside. A lot of them probably are living outside. You know, I don't wanna have a house on Google Maps, so I got me. I got me a camouflage underground situation.

I bought one of them. One of them things you saw in the second season of the wire when. They were down on the water. What do you call those things? You ever see those people, they fucking.

It's so funny, those things, right? They go, there's. Somebody digs it out, and then you buy one of those, you know, those giant crates? They take them containers, they take them off your fucking. Off the ship.

They put them on the dock, and then a truck pulls up, and then they take it and they stick it on the back of the truck. People buy those things and they build these underground fucking shelters. But, you know, you don't do it yourself. You can't, in a sneaky way, buy one of those. You got to hire a company to dig the fucking thing.

You got to buy the crate off of somebody, and there's this whole paper trail, so everybody knows you're hiding underneath your front yard. You got all kinds of beans down there, and then they're gonna see, you know, this stink pipe fucking chimney. Won't they.

Ever see those doomsday preppers? They're sitting there going like, another point blank blank save. The fucking maple Leafs are gonna score. We gotta get it out of our own end here. What are we doing?

All right, here we go. Moving it up. What are they playing here?

You know, standard D. I thought they were playing the lock there. Maybe they are, I don't know. Anyway, you see these, these doomsday preppers, I love the guys where they have it worked out, where it's just them. Like, I knew I had a buddy of mine live back in Massachusetts, and he was all fucking psyched, going like, dude, when the shit hits the fan, I got fucking well water and I got chickens, and it's just like, all right, fantastic.

You have supplies now. How are you going to defend those with just yourself and your family? You're going to get overrun. You think everyone's going to starve to death going, ah, you know, I wish. We had well water like that guy.

They're going to come in and take it. So what's going to really happen? Like, if you look at those fucking. Whatever. Those.

Those militia groups, they're not really stockpiling eggs.

For the apocalypse, this stockpiling shit. So they could go and steal eggs, right? And then they're getting numbers, and then they're going to be organized. So maybe what you need to do is you got to get with your friends right? Now, that's a tough one, because if you commit a murder, I might.

Bill Burr
This cop told me, once you do it with somebody else, somebody's going to get nervous. Somebody's going to flip. You're both going to jail, and one guy has a deal. But at the apocalypse. I think all rules are off so you don't have to worry about anybody flipping.

Right? So you got. You need, like, a half a dozen.

Bill Burr
I mean, this is just to survive some. I don't know. I mean, I don't know how you do it. I don't know how you do it. You'd have to be, like, really organized and really well armed and have a plan to kind of, like, know what's coming.

Right? This is why I gave up on all of that shit, because I actually bought one of those fucking, you know, one of those. Those things you have food in, and then it also becomes a toilet. You know, you take all the food out and then you put a seat on top of it and you shit in a bucket. And I'm like, I don't want to shit in a bucket.

I'd rather get overrun. Be that guy. Yeah. When the zombies come, they're gonna find me in, like, a bathrobe and slippers, polishing off a fucking cigar. Might as well have a drink at that point.

Bill Burr
What do you say there, Grayface? Although I wouldn't want to get fucking eaten. Eh? You know, this is why. So I went to the fucking movies today.

That's why I'm talking about all of this shit. I went and I saw that movie Civil War, which was just gorgeously shot. And, you know, it's about, like, a civil war in this country. And, you know, it's just one of those things I just look at. You know, when you watch those things, you're like, all right, who would I be?

Who would I be in this? And I was. I'd be that dead guy. That's who I would be. Yep.

That's how that's going down. They're just shooting these pucks right at people.

Who knows? But I'm holding out that that's not going to happen. I feel like there's a good thing about this greedy tech nerd Robert Barron era that we're in right now is it's going to. It's going to bring unions back. Work union.

Work, work better. Work union used to be the bumper sticker. And then, you know, unions got bad reputations because they would price gouge and add extra fucking people. Let's be honest here. Like, the unions weren't fucking perfect either.

But, you know, to balance out the greed on both sides, you need both, right? You need coke and Pepsi. Isn't that how it works? I don't fucking. What do I know?

Anyway, I saw that movie. Highly recommend it. Kirsten Dunst is phenomenal in it. And. It'S good just to take a.

Fucking day off, you know, go to the goddamn movies. Oh, speaking of which, I have a movie coming out. I got a movie called Unfrosted, written and directed by Jerry Seinfeld. It's about the history of the Pop tart.

I mean, I don't know how you could have a more Jerry Seinfeld movie than that, because that's like when you used to watch Seinfeld, you'd be like, how did they get a whole episode out of that one little thing in life, right? And they did it. And not only that, they made arguably the greatest sitcom of all time in a lot of people's opinions, right? And I. Okay, boomer.

Okay, one generation, it's all your fault. I love when people say, okay, boomer, I'm like, fantastic. I'm Generation X. And boomers are getting blamed for something again.

Anyway. Yeah. So this movie is the same thing where it's like, how. How can you. The history of the pop tart.

Bill Burr
That's a movie. And God damn it, he did it. And it's getting great reviews. And I'm psyched. I'm just in it for, like, a minute.

And.

Bill Burr
I had such a good time working on it. I mean, it was only, like one day and it shot, like, in LA, so it was great. I just. And it was classic. Jerry went down there.

It was moving along. They got me in. They got me out. I mean, I don't think I was there more than four or 5 hours. We just knocked it out and shot the scene.

And it was great. I will tell you that, like, comedians do make great directors. Fuck, that was beautiful. You motherfuckers. That was a fucking gorgeous goal.

Toronto. One nothing. Oh, boy. And there they are. There they are.

Maple Leaf fans jumping up and down outside the stadium. That's. You gotta show them. You gotta show them every year. And then they're gonna sadly walk away.

Maybe not this round. I don't have a good feeling about this fucking.

This series. You know, we've just been kinda just. I mean, Jesus Christ. How the fuck you let him in. Behind you like that?

Bill Burr
Standing around looking at people?

Ah, Jesus. Fucking look like me at pickup. Um, anyway, let's see what we got going here. This is going to be the double whammy. Come on, Celtics.

Come on, Celtics. Come on, Celtics. What do we got here? Coming out of halftime. Coming out of halftime.

63 62. We got a game. We got a game. All right, let's leave this on for a minute.

Anyway, it's kind of funny that they still wear sports, but they have those pajamas on underneath them. Like, what is the point of wearing shorts? That wasn't a foul. That was terrible defense. I still don't get why the defensive player has to clear out in his own end.

It's unbelievable.

3 seconds on the defensive player. Just clear out so the guy can dunk on nobody.

How about Derek White? What a fucking year he had. They said he's up for possibly defensive player of the year. The guy just keeps getting better, man. Shot clock down to 2 seconds.

Prazingus pulls up a fucking brick.

All right, I'm turning away from the tv. Turning away. So these guys are trying to get me to golf when I get out to fucking Arizona, and I have, for the 90th time, retired from a sport that I never even started. I'm not. I'm not going to shit.

I'm not going to shit on golf right now. What I'm actually going to talk about, because I love professional golfers. And I think if you're a golfer that hustles people, I think that that makes it. That makes it a cool game. Playing it at the pro level and, you know, going out there acting like you suck.

I mean, there is something pretty, it's pretty ballsy to be hustling somebody that has not only a club in his hand, he has another ten options in a bag right behind him. Um.

Have they ever made that movie they made the hustler with Paul Newman, fast Eddie. Right. One of these nights, I'm gonna fuck. One of these nights. Boom boo doo, the Eagles.

One of these crazy, crazy nights. Um, I should watch the hustler and then the color of money back to back. That's something I'll do on the road.

Anyway, I'm really excited. Guess what I did? I fucking wrote out the drum chart to, oh, I haven't even told you about this. I fucking. Somebody told me.

Questlove. I follow him on the social medias there, and he was raving about the new album from Willow Spitha Smith. Did I just say Smith? Willow Smith.

I'm sorry. Right as I went to say her. Last name, I was trying to figure. Out how to say the name of her album. Empath.

Bill Burr
Empathigon. So I was thinking of that. I was. Well, I was thinking Smith, whatever the hell. Whatever the fuck I just said.

I'm leaving that in. I'm not editing that. Willow Smith's new album empath again. And if you're a drummer man, you gotta check this thing. And just in general, like, did I.

Already talk about this? Yeah, that symptom of life. I actually had to sit down and write it out on a piece of paper so I could figure out where fucking one, what the hell the drummer was doing. And it ended up being something. Like.

Bill Burr
Really simple and just. He just kept repeating it. It's just that it was in seven, so it was fucking up my ears because I'm used to listening. Four. Four, right?

So I wrote the whole song out, the whole chart, and I went out to the garage and was messing with it on drums. And it's fucking hilarious. Like, I would go to play it. Cause every fourth one, the drummer does sort of, like, embellishes it. And I was trying to play the embellishment, too.

And then I had to keep starting over the song, and I was out there for, like an hour messing with it. And by the end of it, I could do. I could get through the chorus, which is in four. But when they would come back and play in seven again, they only play 1 bar of seven without the drums. Then the drums come in and then he does this thing where he plays a whole different phrase with, like, a 16th note.

Triplet plays that for a few bars and then goes back to the original phrase, all of it in seven. And that was just beyond my drumming capabilities. But I had a great time fucking with it. I'm gonna stick with it. I think that's gonna be a killer album when it comes out.

So definitely check that out. And I hope it inspires more people to make pop music that isn't always in for or, you know. I don't know. I like that shit. I like James Cagney.

I like those guys. Anyway, all right, that's the podcast. I know I was all over the place. I know I just mispronounced the name Smith. Like, that's how much I'm fucking sitting here watching tv, flipping back and forth.

Come on, Bruins. Can we do it to him again? You know what's funny about, like, you know that team that you always beat? That team you always beat. You don't even think about them.

And then all of a sudden, you go to their city and you're wearing, like, a t shirt or a hat, right? And you're getting all these dirty looks and you're like, the fuck, you know? What's this all about? And it's just like, we fucking hate the Bruins here. Like, that's Toronto.

Toronto. Maple Leaf fans fucking hate the Bruins. And I don't know why we haven't done anything to him.

Bill Burr
We meet you in the playoffs, and you guys figure out a way to lose. I don't know why you're blaming us. That was like, Pittsburgh Steeler fans and San Diego Charger fans during the Tom Brady era. I would go there if I had a Patriots hat. I'd be like, I got to take this fucking thing off.

Like, I. The only people that you. That you pay attention to are the ones that are beating you. You don't pay attention to the ones that you always beat. And that's what always fascinated me about Yankee fans up until 2004.

Bill Burr
It was like. Like they had legit hatred for the Red Sox. It's just like, what? Why? Why would you hate us?

We fucking soldier. Babe Ruth set the whole thing off, and we've. We've done nothing but lose to you. We've blown leads, we've fucking giving up home runs to shortstops. You should fucking love us.

But for some reason, they don't. I will say what is fucking hilarious, though, is the. Is those Knicks fans. So I'm hoping, you know, you know, chanting, we want Boston. So I'm really hoping that we meet them, because that'll be funny.

He just hauled him down. That's not a penalty. He literally just grabbed Austin Matthews and pulled him down behind the fucking net. They didn't call anything, I'll tell you, letting them play. All right, three minutes to go here in the second period.

But I'm done here with this. This the podcast. I gotta stop watching games when this shit is on. I get too fucking distracted. All right?

That is the part. I did do some things. I taught you how to handle Doomsday. I told you to go see Civil War.

What else did I do in there? Oh, and Willow Smith's new album. First two tracks are out on iTunes. I got them. They're fucking amazing.

Check that out if you want to listen to something new. And I think that's it. Yeah, that was it. All right, that's the podcast. Have a great weekend, you cunts.

Enjoy the music. There's a nice trip right there. Marshawn getting away with that. Score. Get the fuck out of here.

Woo.

Wow. Marshawn doing what he does best, getting under people's skin, annoying the shit out of them. Wow. Oh, that's a back breaker. Oh, look at this silver fox.

Bill Burr
Oh, guys, couldn't we just fucking. Couldn't we just go into the second period? In second intermission, up one nothing. Let's see. Oh, I mean, that was just a textbook fucking trip.

And then he talked. Shit. I love it. Get him off the ice.

Bill Burr
Oh, my God. That was a gorgeous goal. Trent. Frederick, that was fantastic.

We hauled down Austin Matthews and then tripped. Was it Bertuzzi? And then we scored a goal. And now Reeves is out there. All right, here we go.

You gotta love playoff hockey. All right, we'll see what happens. Maple Leaf still look good. Let's see how they weather the storm. Well, you already know how they weathered the storm.

You guys are in the future. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Enjoy the music picked out by andrew themolis. And then we got a.

We got a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Monday morning podcast afterwards. All right, I'll see you.

Pushing feeling myself out of my disguise looking at you now I'm wondering who I was if I could try to take you back I couldn't define feeling absent always decided there's nothing here left to find the stories all under my highlight magic is ruin you see it inside you decide hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrd, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. Monday. What is it? April?

We're gonna go with April. April 25, 2016. What's going on? Hello, how are you? How are you?

I just got back from Iowa. Connected through phoenix. Could not get a direct flight out of Des Moines. Des Moines International Airport in Des Moines, Iowa. One of the greatest international airports you'll ever go to.

My hotel was right next door to it. I was there for about 3 hours before the show. Okay. I think I heard three jets take off. It's fucking awesome.

It's a decent sized airport, too, but there's very little people, you know, come out of them cornfields, you know, getting out of their death metal fucking band rehearsal and going to the Des Moines International Airport to fucking go anywhere. Evidently breezed right through security, all the whole thing. When I love fucking, I love little airports. I love them the way some of these chicks love that dude who left that fucking band. Those poor fucking little girls.

How could he do that?

Why the fuck do parents film their kids? An embarrassing moment. I can see if siblings do it, but it always seems like a lot of parents, they just film their fucking kids. And it's just like all those girls who fucking got filmed or filmed themselves. You really should take it down.

But once it's updated, you're finished. You're fucking done. You can't run for president with that on your fucking profile history. I wonder who's gonna be the first one to run for president, right? And then they just pull up, you know, some clip from their childhood on Facebook or on YouTube or some shit.

Some video of them either saying something fucked up or getting hit in the balls and then crying like a little girl or something like that, you know? Do you remember that time when that fucking, that fat kid threw that thing at the little kid and the kid ran over and he threw the skateboard at him and the kid fucking fell down and let out a cry? Like, I can't even fucking do it in that moment. That kid's life, as far as any sort of leadership role is over, you know? And I know what you're saying.

You go, well, look at him, Bill. He's out there eating ring dings, running around with this high pitched voice. Who's gonna follow that into battle? It's like people fucking develop later in life, you know? You should have seen me when I was a kid.

Better yet, it was good thing you didn't. Fucking orange hair, you know, fucking total introvert. Lunatic. Lunatic. Literally could not talk to a girl without my face turning beet red.

I was a fucking mess if there was fucking videos of that or all the fucking ass kickings I took. I remember a girl beat me up when I was in third grade. This fifth grade girl beat me up because I was playing with this kickball and her sister came up and was playfully taking it away from me. So I ran up to take it back and she was running along the school and I ripped it out of her hands, you know, used to playing with boys. And she's kind of careened into the side of the school, which of course is made of brick because, you know, if it catches fire, you know, you want something to be able to rebuild on, you know, I mean, all those rugs and everybody inside are going to go up like a fucking bowling alley.

But you want the main structure because the town's got to pay for it. So anyways, she goes into the building, hit her head, and as I'm like, oh, fuck, I'm sorry. Her fucking sister showed up. There's a big difference between third grade and fifth grade. She looked like a substitute teacher to me.

That's how much fucking older she looked to me. And she fucking just rained these fucking punches down on me. And I held it together, you know? You know, I waited to the end of the round. I knew I was gonna lose the decision and I was alright.

I was trying to walk it off. It really fucking hurt. And then some girls, I forget what she said to me, but it actually made me cry. She said something supportive. I have no idea.

So, yeah, now, if there was video of that, I mean, that's it. If they ever had. I mean, this is a guy you want running the country, gets beat up by a girl and starts crying.

How the hell is he gonna keep America safe? How's he gonna keep children safe? How's he gonna keep Jesus safe? And then that's gonna be end of the end of it. All these fucking people.

Will you just film your fucking kids? All this oversharing, I don't give a fuck that your kid's 13 years old, is in love with a boy band. Stop filming the fucking thing. I mean, I'm not talking about the kids who film themselves, but just sometimes it's parents, which is really weird. Like, I hate those families that all get in into their care van and they start singing songs or doing dances, and they're just like, wow, that's the funnest family ever.

You know, I can see through it. You know, the second the camera turns off, the dad turns into Joe Jackson, starts beating their asses all over the fucking house.

Anyway, sorry, that was just a complete. A complete left turn. But I don't know, I'm actually fascinated with that dude leaving the boy band at the height of their fucking popularity, you know, just as far as, you know, being in the entertainment business, going, all right, now, how do you do this? Did he make enough fucking money? You know goddamn well his manager and everyone around him stole from the guy.

Did he make enough fucking money? The thing about it is, is he's so young, he's going to look like that guy for a while. So it's not like, you know, he's at that age where he can just slip back into the, you know, like, at my age, I'm going to be 48 in ten years. I'm going to be 58. I'm going to look way fucking different.

Okay? 48 is the last. Sort of like, you know, I could go down, maybe play some pickup hoop and I could get picked last. That's it. And then 48 to 58, that's, you know, when you start getting the chicken neck, you know, you start getting your fares in order.

This kid's like fucking 21, you know? He's barely gonna be 30, right? A little over 30, I should say. So if I was him, I would shave off that fucking facial air, and I would just start eating McDonald's and I would just become a fat fuck, and then I'd just wait to see. Well, you don't want to be a fat guy.

If you're a fat guy, then. Then you're, like, famous in a different way. Like, everybody looks at you, but you don't have a show, you know? If you get to that level of fat, all right, don't get, like, circus fat. It'd be funny if he did that.

He was just so good at everything. He became, like, the fattest guy ever, you know? And then everyone was staring at him again. He's just like, fuck, I just. I can't not be famous.

Anyways, good luck to that kid. And parents. Take. Take down the fucking videos. You goddamn kids.

You fucking weirdos. There's probably some pervert out there, likes to jerk off the fucking girls crying to boy band members who just left. There's probably a fetish at this point. You know, there's nothing else left to jerk off. You create a new.

Literally create a new type of porn. All right, anyways, plowing ahead. Plowing ahead. Now I know what all you guys think I'm gonna talk about. You know, you're gonna be like, oh, I saw a big sports story.

Oh, boy, oh, boy. I hope I didn't. I hope he didn't fucking record his podcast before that went down. Well, I didn't. I didn't.

Okay, I will talk about that later. I just don't give a fuck the way I used to. Um. But let's get to what I really give a shit about. It's only two things I give a fuck about right now.

Game seven in St. Louis and fucking game five back in Atlanta, the Boston Celtics. I missed every fucking second of the last two games. Cause I was on the road. Missed all of them fucking driving.

I didn't have my foam roller, so my fucking leg was going dumb, numb. I had to fucking pull over to rest area, you know, stretch it out. You know what I mean? Keep my head on a swivel. Looking for fucking truckers, questioning their sexuality and fucking.

What are they, these serial killers? Serial killers love a fucking rest area. So, anyways, I missed all of that. All I know is that they came back, they tied it up. I was so happy.

And I did see the clip of whoever that was. Was it smart on the fucking, smart on the Celtics. Barely getting touched and literally throwing himself out of bounds? I mean, I know he got fined five grand. They should have given him at least, like, $1,000 off just because he kind of hurt himself.

He went up so high. That was one of the worst fucking dives I've ever seen in my life. And I mean, I even think that the Celtics probably teased him about that. By the time they got to the locker room. It's like, jesus Christ, dude just flopped to the ground, fucking jumping up in the air anyways.

And the St. Louis Blues, what the fuck? You know, I already went through a heartache with my team. I fucking hitched my wagon to you guys. You get up three to one.

I knew. I fucking knew they had to win game five. Game five. You know, so, so fucked up about a seven game series is you're up three games to fucking one, and you're thinking like, all we gotta do is. Just fucking win one.

No, you fucking have to win game five. Because the second you don't win game five, the last two games, the pressures on you, all of a sudden it goes, oh, no, wait a minute. You lost game five. The other guys, when the next game is tied up, and then, you know, I'll tell you right now, anything can happen.

Chicago Blackhawks have the momentum going into gauge seven. The St. Louis Blues have a history of playoff collapses. You know, that's all they're saying on the fucking, oh, my God. Oh, my God.

I had such belief in this team. I still believe they went up fucking three games to one. And I was sitting there and I said, without a doubt, I said the fucking Celtics were going to win game three. I called it, and then I talked shit and I said, like, I said, the Celtics were going to win game three. The fucking St.

Louis blues are going to win game six. And they were up three to one before I went on stage in Kansas City, and I was thinking, like, all right, they got that fucking. Was it Elliott? Net. He's playing great.

They got. They have a size advantage. Yada, yada. I think this looks pretty good. So I go on stage, right, I do my shit and dick jokes for about a good hour and a half.

I come off the stage, had a great fucking show, and I walk in the green room, and all the fucking blackhawks, fucking cheesing ear to ear grin. They cut to Mike Milbrand. I see the final score. Was it like six to three? And I was just like, what the fuck happened?

Tell you what happened. Five unanswered fucking goals is what happened. I've yet to see the highlights of that, but I'm recording my podcast right now. And then I got to go over to the writers room here, working on episode three, written by yours truly for next season. Who hypes a cartoon fucking 13 months before it comes out, this guy.

And then I'm gonna be. I'm taping the blues game, so I'm not gonna be on twitter or any of that shit, just in case you guys send me scores and shit. But I'm gonna. I can't wait to fucking watch that game. It's gonna be great either way.

I want to see St. Louis win, but you just have to respect the fucking greatness of the Chicago Blackhawks during this era if they come back from this. I mean, it's just, you know, it goes beyond, you know, you gotta have guys like that. Guys that have one. Fucking what?

They went two already? Two or three? Two. I think they just. And they still want to win more.

It's very rare. It's very rare. Most of the times a guy wins one, he's done, you know, or he wins three and he just says, fuck. And he keeps eating until his belt buckle bursts. You know, that's what usually fucking happens with superstars.

So anyways, I can't wait to see that. And then the game, game five of the Celtics is tomorrow night, so I'll be taping both of those. This is such a fucking great time of year. So a little bit of advertising. More of these.

There's two more. We'll do two and two. Two and two.

All right, where are we? Where are we? Where the hell are we? There it is. There it is.

Sorry, I had to put the advertising, everything on the same fucking thing. Oh, by the way, Jesus Christ, what a fucking week, huh? With Prince dying. My God. Watching all those.

Those clips of him just lit. You know what? I never fucking saw him in concert. He came out here and did like, 20 shows sold out at the LA Forum. I remember Nia went and I was just.

I forget where the fuck I was. I was just on the road. It was like the first couple of nights I had gigs still out here. And then I left, you know, for, like, did like a ten day run, and he knocked out all those shows or some shit. And I came back and I remember thinking, ah, you know what?

I'll catch him on the next one. And unfortunately, that's not how life works. And I gotta tell you, though, like, the level that that guy affected people, I mean, they literally lit up the Eiffel Tower in purple. I mean, as far as an artist, that's about as. It's about as big as honor as you get.

All these fucking, like, monuments around the world getting lit up in purple, man. I, like, I knew that we loved him here. I had no idea, like, the level of fame that that guy had, man, that's fucking crazy. So 57. Jesus Christ.

I'm 48. That's all I was thinking. Like, good Lord. Gotta lay off the sauce. Anyways, I want to thank everybody who came out to all my shows this past weekend.

Had a great fucking time. Played one of the most beautiful theaters I've ever played. I played the Fox theater in St. Louis. And they take you upstairs, and if you ever get a chance to take a tour of the place, you have to see some of the signatures that are on the wall.

Please don't sign the fucking wall. There's like, fucking people did that next to, like, Stevie Ray Vaughn's. Like, one of my pet peeves is when somebody fucking huge signs a wall. And then all these fucking jerk offs write, like, within the name. You know what I mean?

It's like, you're nowhere near that guy. Get the. You shouldn't even sign on the same fucking wall.

David Bowie was really cool. David Bowie actually signed next to his name, but he just scribbled his. You can't even tell it. So I'm a fucking hypocrite. So I signed near.

Near his. But what was so cool was the whole Stevie Ray David Bowie story from back in the day when Stevie Ray went to, was it the Monterey Jazz festival? And they got booed off stage and David Bowie was in the crowd, but loved Stevie's playing. And afterwards came up to him and blah, blah, blah. That's how he ended up playing on his let's dance album.

And then he wanted Stevie to go out on tour with them. And Stevie just wasn't feeling it. He went to some of the rehearsals and just like, I can't fucking do this. I want to go back to Texas and play in my trio. Started all over again and then became a giant on his own, rather than being part of David's band.

And just the two of them, just to be that close, like, what was Jerry Lewis.

Of course, now, I'm not forgetting Sammy Davis, Junior, Tony Orlando. Just a bunch of random shit, too. And all this shit from the eighties, like the Thompson twins, all this crazy stuff in there. And they really kept it well. And Stevie signed it twice, once in 1987, and then another time, I think right before he died in, like, the instep tour.

And I got there a little bit late, so I didn't get a chance to see the theater, like, the actual theater where people were sitting, thank God, until after I did the show, because that would have been a little intimidating. Came out afterwards. It was fucking amazing and had a great show. And then the next day, I went to Kansas City and played this sprint. Sana and I did a run with Jade Catapult, and we wanted to get barbecue, and we were trying to figure out where to go.

That's right. And they told us to go to that fucking Oklahoma Joe's or some shit. So we fucking pull up there, and there's like a fucking two hour line outside the place. And I'm just sitting there like, there's no fucking way this is the line for this place. But the royals had a game, so I guess it's like a family tradition out there.

People just do that shit. So we were like, well, fuck that place. So the next place I had on my list to maybe try out was this other place, Q 39. And it's the best barbecue I've had since saws when I was in Alabama. It was fucking.

It was the best. I will say it's the best brisket I ever had. We both ordered a couple of combo plates, so, you know, we ended up having the smoked chicken, brisket, ribs, and the fuck else was there. Oh, and, of course, pulled pork. And it was fucking amazing.

But I have to tell you, dude, right after that, man, I felt like I just. I'm too old to eat like that. I mean, I'll spare you the fucking details, but my body was just like, yeah, you know, you ever see somebody show up at a club and they're already drunk? Like, how quickly they get thrown back out into traffic? Yeah.

That's what happened with me.

It was not a. It was not a good thing. Was not a good thing at all. So, anyways. But it was delicious, and I didn't even eat that much.

Oh, wait a minute, now you did. Then we got dessert, too. Yeah, it was kind of a bad day. It was a bad day. You know, it's funny.

I didn't eat shit for the rest of the fucking night, but I had a great time. Later on that night, I hung out with a bunch of friends. I've been going to Kansas City for a long time. So I had a buddy of mine out there who built my first website. Him and his wife showed up.

So we were just hanging out, having drinks, just having a great time. And then the last day was I got to go up to Iowa and Ames, Iowa, just north of Des Moines. And I finally went to that state during a sunny month, and it was green, and it was fucking beautiful. And Des Moines, really underrated city. It's fucking gorgeous.

This river runs right through it, and they got this beautiful two mile loop that you can walk around. I wish I had time to do that. I forgot that that was there. Like I said, I hadn't been in Iowa since I played penguins in Cedar Rapids, which I heard is no longer there because the river overflowed or some shit.

But anyways, just had a. Had a great time up there. And I got to tell you, that's the fucking place to own a Ferrari, Iowa. That is the fucking place, man. Because you see people riding around on motorcycles with no helmets on and shit.

That is the place to own a motorcycle. That is the place to own a fucking supercar. That is the fucking place to own a gun. You have to have a gun. These fucking cunts who live on the coast and they're all jammed in with people.

It makes sense that you don't want everybody having a gun, all right? But there's this tipping point where the population becomes so fucking little that then you're kind of on your own out there, all right? So if your fucking weird ass neighbor shows up dressed like leatherface, I mean, you're gonna call the fucking cops. By the time I was joking on stage, by the time they drive up your driveway, like half your family is fucking dead. Their driveways.

I swear to God, some of these. Some of these spreads are like. I don't know, they're like fucking. They look like they're like a. Like you could land a goddamn DC ten on the damn thing.

So.

All right, so here it is. The big news. The big news this week that I found when I got up, right, was actually, I didn't find it till I connected. I flew from Des Moines to Phoenix, and then I connected, you know, getting my connecting flight. And it was late, and I looked at my twitter, and people started sending me all this shit about Tom Brady, the suspension.

Somehow. Somehow it came back. It fucking blew my mind. I was always under the impression that, like, either way, once you appealed it, that last thing was the final thing. I've never seen an appeal of an appeal.

Maybe there's been one. I just remember. I remember when Al Davis wanted to move the raiders, and they're like, no, you can't do it. And he goes, well, I'm fucking doing it anyways. And then they had a court battle, and he won, and that was it.

The NFL just said, fine, maybe there was a bunch of appeals on that, but that one came out of nowhere. And I don't know, man. I don't want to sit here and fucking be a big baby about it or anything like that, but it just really seems like it just went above and beyond. It's just really extra. I don't.

I don't understand. I don't get the fucking NFL. I really don't. I don't get why certain things, you know, you knock a woman out in an elevator, you get four games. You get two games at first, right?

Then they bumped it up to four because everybody bitched, and then they like, oh, no, wait a minute. Wait a minute. We mean, you're out of football for good. You know, the subtext of that, of course, was, no, we're gonna lose a bunch of fucking money from women, and guys who remotely give a shit about women aren't gonna buy our fucking jerseys and shit. So now all of a sudden, we give a shit, right?

So I just have to think that this really isn't a money thing. They actually lose money when Tom's not playing. So I really think this is just personal. The Patriots did something to piss off the fucking NFL. I know a lot of you guys who aren't Patriots fans think I'm just trying to make up an excuse.

But the reality is, is the NFL, the only thing they give a fuck about is money. All right? The way they handled all those concussions, the way they finally did that bullshit payout, the way they make money off of raising cancer awareness by having pink jerseys, not letting, you know that only 3% of the money or whatever goes to research, and they pocket the other 97% the way whenever they put a camera on, you know, the servicemen and women that they hooked up, you know, gave them free tickets, give them a round of applause, and then they count that as a fucking commercial, and they charge whatever branch of service those people are in. You know, how filthy they are there and only give a fuck about money. You know, Tom Brady's Captain America.

Like, the Patriots are not. The guy looks like a movie star, and they make more money if he's in the game. And you're talking about literally a cunt's hair's worth of air. They. They appealed it and won, and the NFL still was like, no, fuck you.

Fuck you. So it's just. It has to be personal because. And I don't want to name any fucking names here, okay? There's other guys just as big as him who had some really questionable fucking shit that went way beyond fucking air pressure in a ball, all right?

And it was just like, yeah, whatever. No biggie, no blood, no foul. So, yeah, I think it's official at this point that as a Patriots fan, I am not paranoid when I say the NFL fucking hates the Patriots and has it out for them because they're actually shooting themselves in the foot monetarily here over fucking air pressure, over something that they lost in court, like, a fucking year ago. So I don't know. I don't know what we did.

I would love to know behind the scenes. It's got to be some Robert Kraft shit, I would think. You know, I can't really think of anything else because, you know, I'm trying to be honest here, but, like, you know, some of the other infractions without naming names, I'm trying to be a class act here. Certain things that went through the mail, wink, wink, you know, just shit like that. And it's just.

Yeah, nothing. No story. And not to mention, you know. But the Colts owner, in his own fucking investigation, they found out that for their footballs were also underinflated. So you're talking.

We're going on almost a year and a half ago that this happened. This shit's still fucking going. So, I mean, all right, the NFL hates us, and no Tom Brady for four games. I guess that's, you know, whatever. We're still gonna win.

We're too good. We're still gonna fucking win. All you're going to do is just make Bill Belichick a better fucking coach. And he already prepared for this last year. So when we get fucking Jeanine Garofalo in there again, I think he goes two and two.

I'm looking forward to it. All right, there you go. There's all of that type of stuff. What a fucking weekend I had, man. I can't tell you how much fun I had going out there and doing those shows, man, and working on my act and all that.

It's great. I have, like, I have the best fucking life I could possibly have right now. I'm writing on this, the exact fucking show I want to do with a bunch of hilarious people during the week. And every other week, I get to continue my dream doing standup comedy. So.

And I'm working towards taping another spatial special later on this year. And I'm also starting to get the audio together for, hopefully, a vinyl release of my show at Madison Square Garden. Obviously, I want that one to come out after my stand up special, but, you know, I'm hoping to do, like, a. Like, I'm not even gonna say what I'm hoping to do with that vinyl album, but it's gonna be fucking cool if I do it right, if I don't fuck it up all right? So anyways, here we go.

Let's read some questions here for the week. Bill. When I travel out of town for games, I bring the stick. Oh, this is about foam rollers? Cause, dude, I'm telling you, that foam roller changed my fucking life.

Any old people out there like me, if you're young, you should fucking do it. It's the greatest goddamn thing ever. There's nothing better than, like, you know, other than eating right and that type of stuff. Finding love and not having your quarterback suspended for four games over some cunty air pressure. There's nothing better than just being able to move your fucking body.

And stretching is the best, really. Yoga, pilates, all of that shit is probably the best shit you can do because it really keeps you in shape. It really keeps you flexible without hurting yourself. I can't help it. I'm a child of the eighties, so I always have that world gym, gold gym.

Push it up, no pain, okay. I always have to fucking, you know, dude, what are you benching? What? Are you benching that kid? I always have.

That's always gonna be in me. But anyways, these foam rollers, I'm telling you, they're the shit, so. But I never heard of this. This kid's recommending the stick. Doesn't this sound like a paid advertisement?

It isn't. He said I can fit it in my carry on. You know, it'd be great is if this kid invented it. He's actually getting a free commercial. He said I can fit it in my carry on or in my gear bag.

So it travels a lot better than any foam roller. And it's a lot easier to do just sitting in a chair and not having to roll around on the floor. You might like it. It's what keeps me functional when I have three to four hurling games. Crazy ancient irish sport to play in a day at a tournament.

Well, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait. I gotta look this up. You know, if it's an irish sport, you know, two things. You know, it's fucking crazy. And you know, there's nobody stretching, hurling.

I'm gonna show somebody puking, okay? It's an irish game resembling field hockey, alright? I'm not trying to start anything with Ireland, but that's a woman's sport over here, they run around wearing skirts and I know you guys don't do the kilt thing, so what the fuck is going on here? All right? Played with the shorter stick and a broader oval blade.

It's a national game of Ireland and may date back to the second millennium BC. Alright, so you're all forgiven. You didn't know any better. All right, let's see some images for this thing. Oh, fuck that.

That's not a. That's a club. I would play that fucking game. That is a fucking club. Jesus Christ, look at those fucking helmets they wear.

They look like fucking Butch Goering. And then somebody took a welding class for the first time. Remember Butch Goring's hockey helmet? Butch Goring's hockey helmet. By the way, it's legendary.

He had the same piece of shit helmet, I think, right up from the juniors. And he just paint. Every time he went to a new team, he would just paint it. I remember he finished with the. Did he finish with the Bruins?

I remember he played with us. Oh, those were the days. Oh, those were the days. Jesus Christ, look at this guy. Taking one of those fucking paddles right to the face.

Wow. Okay. I'd get shit faced and watch that. That is the weirdest looking thing I've ever seen. It's like.

It looks like the beginning of a goalie stick. And then you amputated it right just beyond the heel, about a third of the way up the blade. All right, so this, you know what, dude? I really appreciate that. I'm going to check that out.

The stick. Good stuff. Thank you. All right, China. Hi, Billy boy.

I'm iranian. Living in China. Jesus. He goes, yeah, right. Iranian.

I think the only place that you might not have any fans is North Korea. And that's only because they don't have access to the Internet. Anyways, I have watched. Oh, speaking of which, Jade, who I worked with this week, is brazilian. And she mentioned, you know, she was thinking about maybe doing some stand up down in Brazil and how that scene is starting to get going.

I was just wondering, anybody from Brazil listening, and if you do, if you have any suggestions, because I've always wanted to take my wife down there. She's always wanted to go and I'd love to go down there. I guess it's cold this time of year, right? My wife's not into the cold. I personally like it, you know what I mean?

That's all good for me. I got no problem with that whatsoever. But let me know what's going on down there. And I'm psyched you guys are getting some stand up shit going because I'd like to see your chappelles, Louis CK's and Dave Attels. That's what I'm looking forward to.

All these like India and all these places that are starting to get comedians. I can't wait to see the greats that come out of those. Those different cultures. All right, so anyways, let me continue on here. Anyways, I've watched all your videos on YouTube and followed your podcasts for more than six months.

You are indeed a funny guy, though. My chinese wife does not get your jokes.

Women around the world do not like my ex. Maybe I should charge her, change her to one with better taste. I think he's giving me shit. There he goes. I think you have so many fans here, especially among ex patriots.

Well, if you're in Hong Kong, yeah, I did a show out there. He goes, I don't know if you've ever been in China, but really hope you get your ass here someday. Looking forward to hear back from you. Please fuck yourself. Every day in the morning before breakfast.

Yeah, I was in Hong Kong last year. I've never been to the main, but I heard when you go to the mainland, it's just straight Chinese. You know what I mean? Like, all the expatriates seem to be in Hong Kong, so I would go to mainland China, but I just feel like, other than seeing the Great Wall and eating some delicious food, I don't think I could do a show up there, because I'd be worried that not enough people would be able to understand what I'm saying. And even if they could understand it, I think maybe I just.

I don't know. I think they'd be like your wife. Like, I don't get what he's talking about. Anyways. Okay, continuing on, Hillary, hot sauce.

Oh, hot sauce. Hillary. Yo, Billy. Listen to your Thursday podcast. And the bit about Hillary and the hot sauce is actually true.

There are interviews with her talking about this over a decade or so. Apparently in the nineties, she learned how healthy it was to eat hot peppers. And so she did, and she grew to love hot sauce. It's also known that she kept a lot of hot sauce sauces at the White House where she lived. Anyways, for some reason, I felt bad for her, so I thought I'd write you.

Well, here's the fucking thing. You know what? You know what I like? I like fried chicken, okay? I would never bring that up if I was talking to a bunch of black people trying to get their votes.

You know what I mean? Even if she is into it, what you just said, she is fine. It's still a fuck. It was. It was just tacky hot sauce I always had, you know, it wasn't lipstick.

It wasn't anything like that. All the other bullshit that she has. Yeah, I just don't buy it. And I just think they're lying sacks of shit. And I've had 20 years experience watching them on tv.

I lived in New York when she was a center there, Senator there. I watched Bill Clinton for eight fucking years. I can't stand them. I think they'll literally fucking say anything. I think they're bought and paid for.

They are the fucking devil. Not literally, they're evil, but they're just the same evil that you're dealing with. And it doesn't make a difference if she's black, if she's got a dick or a vagina. It's going to be more the same if you pick her. And I think that's why you have two fucking extreme people.

I think people are sick of that. And that's why Bernie's still in it and Trump is still in it, because I think, generally speaking, people know that whatever the fuck we're doing, it's not working. It's not fucking working. So. And maybe it's.

Maybe nobody can fix it. You know what I mean? You got fucking, what, four or 500 million people? You can get all. Get them all to try to tug the rope in the same direction.

I mean, it's a very difficult thing to do. And I don't know, I just wish the election was tomorrow. We could just get it over with. I saw this funny sign on the Internet and said, 2016, everybody sucks, or something like that. Something about all the candidates.

No, but there's. I don't know. I butchered it. I have to. You know what to make up for me just butchering that thing.

I might have to put the. The picture of it, which I probably won't be able to find. So I think I'll just have to take it that I fucked that up. All right, let's read the last two advertising here. Advertisements Advertising Sherry's berries.

Where the fuck are they? God damn it. All right, here we go. Oh, I should probably make a prediction here, right?

I don't know how to. You know what? I'd have no prediction for game seven. I want the blues to win. Um.

Fuck. You know what? Fuck it. You know what? I'm not gonna say anything.

Cause at this point, blues fans are gonna hate me if I fucking predict them again. You know, people get all fucking with that mojo shit. You're gonna jinx them. Fuck it. I'm just gonna watch the game.

All right? Click on the microphone at the top of the homepage and type in burp. I hope that's what I was supposed to say.

Jesus Christ. They, like, typed the whole fucking menu. Felt like I was introducing the fucking Wu Tang. All right. Cash and banking.

I listened to your podcast today and about money how is just a number while relating to paychecks. I couldn't agree more that they are intentionally phasing out cash, period. Every payday, I go to the bank, and I take out all of my cash except what is needed to cover my bills. And the bank people look at me like I'm an idiot on a regular basis. I walk out of there with seven to eight grand in cash at least once or twice a month, and they actually interrogate me about why I'm taking all my money out of the bank, and how come I don't need my money in the bank.

All my friends think I'm a conspiracy theorist because I buy silver by the pound and other precious metals. Dude, you need to shut up. Stop telling your friends that you do this shit. You're opening yourself up to get robbed. All right?

Just act like you're just taking everything down to the fucking bank. Why are you telling me this? All right, all my friends think I'm a conspiracy that buys silver I got. I refuse to keep money in the bank. And if we ever go into a great depression or the government collapses, they're going to seize everybody's money in the bank accounts, guaranteed.

So I'll keep all my cash hidden at home, which, if the currency crashes, really, in the end, it doesn't do me any good, because it won't be worth shit. But I don't like the government to know how much money I have at any given moment. I think it's a good practice. So, yeah, I think people should take their money out of the bank every payday, actual physical money, and dollar bills. Plus, when I have the cash in my hand and I run out of it, there's no way I can spend more than I have.

I also don't believe in credit cards. Everything I've bought was with cash. Even cars. $30,000 cars bought with cash. It may throw up a few red flags, but fuck them.

No, it doesn't. Not if you're, you know, not if you're. If you're paying taxes on all. Once you deposit it in the bank, there's a record of it. And I think the banks want to know what you're doing with it.

They always want to know what you're doing with your money, because they want to make money off your money. So what you do every week by giving them money day is you give them an interest free loan on their money. I guess they give you a couple of points interest. They provide the service of keeping your money safe, allegedly, even though they're a bunch of crooks. And then they loan it out to your fellow countrymen at super high rates.

And, you know, this is another thing, too. If you put seven, eight grand in there, they can loan seven, 8000. They can 100% loan out all that money. Like, I don't know, like times three or some. Some shit.

It's crazy. Back in the day, like when you ran a bank responsibly, when it, say, if you had ten grand in the bank, you could only loan out, like, there was a certain percentage, you couldn't go past, like 30%. I can't remember what it was, but, you know, so the money was still there. And then the bankers, through paying off politicians, kept getting that money. That number.

The percentage bumped up and up and up and up, and they kept getting more and more deregulated, more and more deregulated. Now, when you put the money in, they can loan. You put a thousand in, they can loan. They can loan out not only 100% of that thousand, they can loan like another $3,000 off of that thousand thousand for you, you, you, and you. So they basically counterfeited like three grand.

As far as the shit that I've read, and I haven't looked that stuff up for a while. Things might have changed after 2008, but it's. It's a pretty shady thing. But I will tell you, I don't feel comfortable having a bunch of cash in the fucking house. You know, I always hear the first 48 playing in my head.

So, you know, good luck to you. You know what I did after a while? I just tapped out a conspiracy theory. I got a fucking dog. I watch sports.

And I just. I just. I take comfort knowing that I can only die once. That's what I do. All right.

Okay. Oh, Jesus. Another fucking hair loss thing. Is this gonna be another guy asking. Me, should I shave my head?

Should I not shave my head? Should I glue something on there? Hey. Oh. Flowers for billion.

I'll keep it short. Parentheses and thinning. I've been losing my hair for the past couple years. It's thinning at the top and has been doing so for six years. I know you've gone through the same predicament.

You're very perceptive. I'm gonna go out on a limp. I think I know. I think you know what I'm talking about here he goes. I know it shouldn't matter and I should probably just shave it, but I love my hair.

My God, do I love my hair. I remember when I used to get my hair cut, every Barbara stylist, stylist I went to said how it was so thick and I would never have to worry about going bald. Those lying fucks. So when it started thinning, I, like most guys, started reading everything I could. I found out that most men have had success with propecia.

It's a one day appeal that you take. 60% of men have regrowth, while 30% keep what they have.

Now, what does that mean? 60% have regrowth and 30% of that. 60%. Yeah, I guess that that would be. Yeah, that's obviously what that be.

Keep what they have. No. Or is that the other 30? 60% keep what they have? No.

60%. Jesus Christ, Bill. Have regrowth, 30% keep what they have. So now are we up to 90%? Yeah, I guess we would be.

And it seems not to work for about 10% of men. So it seems like a no brainer to at least try, right? Well, for about 2% of men. All right, dude, you said 60 30. Ten, and now two.

We're up to 102% here. So there's some fucking overlap. It makes their dick not work. They complain of weaker to no erections since look, looks are. That's fucking hilarious.

See, keep your hair to get the girl. You come home, and then your dick doesn't work. That's exactly why I don't fuck with that shit, because you can never have your cake and eat it. So I just feel like there's gonna be some sort of damage that it does. I just, you know, dude, I'm 48 years old.

What, am I gonna join a boy band? It's fucking over. Do you know, I gotta be honest with you. If you don't fight aging, it's pretty painless. You know, I go to the gym.

You know, I keep myself in good shape. But all of that other shit, these fucking. This fucking woman was telling me this weekend that. That out here in Hollywood, you know, or possibly around the country, I don't know. They have.

This is the most disgusting thing as far as vanity, I think I've heard in a long time. Do you know they have. They have Botox parties. Like, they come over, they drink drinks, they watch a show or something like that, and then you can go over and you get like, that shit that makes your face look like the joker just shot into your face, like this foreign chemical under your skin, you know? I guess it's your skull right there and it is protecting your brain, but I just feel like somehow it's got a leak in there, right?

Or it goes into your fucking bloodstream or something. Somehow it ends up in your brain. You're just literally injecting chemicals into your fucking face. The amount of people that won't do heroin but will put Botox in their body, it's just. I don't know.

I guess it's whatever the fuck you're into.

I don't know. Like I said, if you just accept the fact that, you know, you're no longer young and you dress your age, you know, you don't look that, you know, if you keep yourself in shape, you look fine. You know what I mean? You don't look sexy. You're not attractive, but you shouldn't be.

You should have gotten all that out of your fucking system. This whole fucking thing that you got, like these, these, you know, these broads on the fucking Real housewives walking around with their bedazzled jeans. They got like four kids and they're still fucking putting, you know, hooker jeans on. It's like, what are you doing? You're a mom.

You know, the husband's walking around with fucking tank tops on. I just don't understand. Put on a sport coat. He's supposed to be adults.

I don't know. I blame Madonna. Um, no, I don't. She looks great. What am I talking about?

And I goes, oh, what the fuck? What the fuck? Shut up. It's still banger. All right.

Sudbury, the ugliest place in Ontario, Canada. Uh, dear Billy Burr, please talk about your experience traveling through Sudbury. I didn't think it was ugly. I thought it was cool. Did you notice how there were no trees in the area above 10ft tall or so?

Most of the vegetation in the area was destroyed by acid rain caused by the massive mining operations in and around Sudbury. Our stupid tourist attraction is the largest nickel in the world. Luckily, they solved the population problem by building a gigantic smokestack, currently the second largest freestanding chimney in the world, to spread the pollution out over a larger area. Industry has been winding down, so now we have more unemployed, hardworking canadian rednecks than ever. Great place.

Can't wait to get anywhere else. That's fucking hilarious. I have person might have a future as a writer, man. See how fucking humor works when you hate where you live? I didn't hate where I lived, but I mean, there's just certain things that can fucking bring it out of you.

I had no idea. I didn't know anything about that. I had a great time when I was up there. And, you know, I'm a nerd when it comes to traveling. I like going to places I haven't been to.

And at this point, there's nothing I like doing better than not going to the major city.

I've been to all of them a thousand fucking times. They're great. But I don't know. I like going to. I like going to the other places.

Des Moines, deadwood. Right. Set. One I went to in fucking Louisiana. Begins with an S.

I can't remember. Wasn't New Orleans. It doesn't begin with an S. Schenectady. Shreveport?

Right now. Fucking no. Anyways. Open relations. Hi there, Billy.

Bald bags. What the fuck is up with open relationships these days? I'm a 37 year old lady unexpectedly widowed. I'm sorry to hear that. And after eight years.

After eight years with my husband, I'm getting back out there in the dating world and have discovered a plethora of people who are in. In open or polyamorous relationships. I don't know what polyamorous means. All right, open relationship means, like, yeah, you know, keep it clean. I don't want to know about it.

Don't make. Make sure it's nobody I know. Polyamorous. Amorous. Do do do.

Is a practice or desire for intimate relationships evolving more than two people. Also, they have threesomes together.

That's so fucking weird. Does a couple, like, break down the game tape afterwards? Like, I just felt like you licked her pussy litter better than mine, you know? Do you make, like, halftime adjustments when you're switching positions?

Open relationship. This will get me in trouble. Rules to be looking at this online. This is my search engine. Open relationship.

Six rules of. For doing the whole open relation thing, right? One, don't do it. Two, don't do it. All right.

Open relationship. All right. Okay, here we go. One, understand what an open relationship actually is. There's a lot of confusion.

Confusion? Confusion about what is and what isn't an open relationship. Some people who are in long distance relationships say they are in an open relationship. They both hook up with whoever, but just don't talk about it by. The word open connotes honesty.

All right? So they have to know about it. An open relationship acknowledges that couples can have their needs met by other people. If you're really okay with that, why keep it a secret? All right.

It's actually a great point. If you are okay with it, it shouldn't bug you. What did you do today, honey? I went down to Home Depot. I had some chick blow me on the way home, and I got a piece pizza of.

Oh, that's great. I tape thunder games, hunger games, whatever the fuck they're called. Thunder games. Make sure you're doing it right. Doing it for the right reasons.

Are you interested in an open relationship just because you want to be with other people? Or is it that you're interested in physical experiences with other people, but you want to stay committed to sharing your emotional and spiritual self with one person? This is where it gets complicated. Set some boundaries. No anal.

Every person. Every person's guidelines are different. But there are always things to think about before you enter into an open relationship. Do you both need to be present in order for sex with other people to be okay? Can you be with one gender and not the other?

Are certain sect acts off the table? These are all important things. This is like the early days of USC. All right, no more eye gouging. You can't do that thing where the other guy puts the finger in your ass and then you go, all right, I give.

I give. Right? That's actually a wrestling move, if you can believe it. Anyone you hook, tell your other partners, anyone you hook up with outside your relationship deserves to know the deal. Try say something like, I find you attractive, but you should know my partner and I are in an open relationship, so there's someone else in my life.

That way they can be fully informed. Okay. Keep it healthy. If that's obvious, have regular checkups. There you go.

All right, so now that I'm a little more fucking educated, what the fuck did that just say? Oh, 60 turn ons for better sex. I thought it was turn ons for over 60. I think I am a little dyslexic. All right, so she says she's getting in there and everybody.

Okay, so there's a bunch of, like, husbands and wives looking to hook up with her, or people who are saying that they're in open relationships. She goes, I recently started dating a great guy who lives with the mother of his kids in a supposedly sexless domestic partnership. We have a great connection and we enjoy each other's company, but he doesn't have a lot of extra chill time due to his family commitments. I have kids, too, the same age as his. Even I keep telling him, let's all hang out together, but he is hesitant, which makes me question the openness of his open relationship.

Or maybe he just wants to fuck you. Right? I keep telling let's hang out together. Okay. I should have walked away sooner, but he gives really good head.

Jesus Christ. I'm not ready for anything too serious. I just wish he had more time to spend with me. Socially, this seems to be more and more common. These I'm so cool and modern, I'm going to fuck you and then go home to my wife.

Hipsters. Should I keep seeing this guy? Thanks for your insight. I'm a former Bostonian living in Hawaii. I'm a huge fan.

You of keep me laughing through some hard times and I fucking love your old freckled face. Moi? Oh, thank you. Um, I would say, yeah, I, I don't know, that's all fucking. Look, if you just want to fuck around, but like this guy, obviously, he obviously doesn't want to do anything more.

Even if he didn't have a wasn't with somebody else, if he doesn't want to hang out with you, then that means he just wants to be fuck buddies, which is totally cool if you know that that's the deal. If you're alright with that, I would continue seeing him. If you're not, I would move on. And if you're sick of meeting people like that, I'm sure there's men who. That didn't work.

I was gonna say men who are sick of meeting women who are in an open relationship. Yeah, guys would be like, yeah, that's cool. You don't want to hang out. Perfect. Up top.

Sounds good to me. Yeah, if you're your age, how busy you are and all that shit. I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm ten years old. And you see, I'm not talking down to you.

You're 37, you got fucking kids, kinds of people you're gonna meet in the civilian world are also gonna be married with kids, I'm saying. Or divorced. I mean, I would join it. I would join a dating site. That's what I would do.

And just say what you want and I would fucking go out and try and find it. When you're ready. When you're ready. But you know, as far as all that other shit, I mean, that's up to you. I have no, I have no fucking idea.

That just made me happy that I'm fucking married and Jesus Christ, more and more fucking brutal. Goddamn shit I'm not gonna get into. I know you guys all heard some sad news about comedians this past week, man. Just fucking brutal. Absolutely fucking brutal.

Made me feel very lucky and blessed. So once again, thank you to everybody that keeps coming out to my shows. And that's it. That's the podcast. Go fuck yourselves.

I'll check in on you on Thursday. And that's it. Don't take any shit out there. You fucking cunts are emotion.

Oh.

Gotta decide how we're gonna heal it, right?

Gotta see.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-25-24

Primary Topic

Episode Summary

Main Takeaways

Episode Chapters

1: Health and Diet

2: Sports Commentary

3: Cultural Observations

Actionable Advice

About This Episode

People

Companies

Books

Guest Name(s):

Content Warnings:

Transcript