Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-18-24

Bill Burr

What's going on? Dude? It's Bill Burr. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast. And I'm checking in on you.

Ooh. Ow. Hey, um, sorry. Um, you might think. Oh, Jesus, Bill, did you have a cup of coffee?

No, I did not. This is not me wired. This is me over tired. Oh, Billy. Fucking baseball.

Oh, Billy. Red Sox. I've been watching the fucking Red Sox. Getting through this whole. This tough stretch.

Everybody's hurt. Trevor's story. What's the story? He's out for the fucking season. That kid O'Neill hits all the home runs, banged into some other guy, but guess who stepped up tonight?

Guess who stepped up? Tana. Fucking how? Pitched a gym. Pitched a gym.

Full nine innings. Full nine innings and got the win over the Cleveland Guardians. It's amazing, you know, getting older as. A sports fan, it's like the fucking teams move. They change the names.

It's incredible, the lack of effort that. We'Ve done to try to make up for that genocide of those people. Tell you what, after fucking 100 something years later, we'll change the name of a baseball team. It was out of respect.

Hey, can we have some of our land back? No. No, you can't. No, you can't. Public apology.

Not happening. However, they're called the Cleveland Guardians now. You're welcome.

Enjoy your casinos. Four of you white people. That's how we do it. So is it how we do it? Or is that how human being.

I don't even know. You know? Who knows what, are you gonna be an apologist now? I don't know what I'm fucking talking about. Um, I'm sitting in my.

My little drum room right now, just playing some fucking drums. Cause, uh, you know, I liked, you know, 6th grade of my life, and I try to live it as much as that.

I gotta play a song with somebody tomorrow. A green day song. I wow. I wow. And dumped and I walk alone.

It's kind of like they could have played that at the end of the. Hulk, if you listen to the lyrics. When Bill Bixby used to walk away all sad on the tv show, I walk alone. You know, if Green Day had the presence of mind to write that song when they were four years old, if they could have stepped it up a little. I'm actually a huge, huge, huge green day fan.

And Trey, cool fan, he just comes up with, like, the sickest fucking parts. And how do you not love a power trio? Three guys making all that fucking noise, all that energy.

You know what that's what this generation needs right now. A lot of people think it's low interest rates. They think it's college education. All you need is a good power trio that every once in a while puts out a fucking double album that you can do some drugs to, and then you can just sort of ignore the world's problems. I mean, that's how we used to do it.

I came across something. We're talking some music here today. I came across this post on instagram, and it is out of all the tours in the eighties that I missed, the one that bugs me as far as the heavy metal tours that came and went, and I fucking missed, it was I missed guns n roses opening for Motley Crue on the girls girls girls tour. Yes. That's how fun the eighties was.

There was an actual tour called girls girls girls named after the album. And no one was like, um, why isn't it women women? Nobody gave a shit. Nobody knew where their kids were. There wasn't cameras everywhere.

Sometimes that was a bad thing, but most of. For the most part, it was a good time. I mean, you could literally start a bonfire out in the fucking woods with like, 40 other kids. And it took like, at least an hour to 90 minutes before the cops showed up. And we all knew they were coming.

But in that 90 minutes, you packed a weekend in. And then my favorite thing ever, being like, eight beers in. Cause you'd be boozing before you got there. And you. You would just drive.

People just drove drunk. We. You get a twelve pack or maybe. Some good shit at work, got you a fucking case. And then you just drove around and you found other kids driving around with a case of beer.

And they'd be like, hey, man, we're all going down. You know where I was back in the day, it was called Dan Road. We're going down Dan Road. It was a fucking industrial park. And then everybody drove off road into the fucking whatever the hell it was.

It's probably all buildings now. And you go down there and you would just fucking party, sometimes for hours. And then the cops would finally show up and everybody would run, unless you had a car. And then you had to act like you were sober. And then you got to do that, you know, sort of my first acting, no, I have not been drinking.

I was out here. I dropped a book on the way home, and I thought perhaps this was. And where do you live? Way over there. Why would you be walking over here?

I don't know, sir. I don't know. Don't you think your uniform's a little silly. Um, and that's the dumb shit you would say when you fucking drunk. Anyway, I said I was gonna talk music, so there was a tour.

So when. When Guns n Rose's appetite for destruction came out, I. For whatever reason, I heard welcome to the jungle on the radio. And it didn't really get me, get me, but I was like, I need a new band or something. First time I heard, it didn't quite grab me, but I went and I bought the cassette tape.

I just started listening to it. And each time I would listen to. I would kept listening to welcome to the jungle, and then I would listen to it's so easy, and I kind of liked that. And then all of a sudden, I was three songs in, and I was way ahead of the curve on everybody else. I was living in North Carolina.

I had nothing to do. I was waiting for the AC DC blow up, your video fucking tape to come out. I mean, this was my life. I was working in a fucking restaurant that was going out of business. So I was bussing tables.

I was working on the grill with a fucking chef hap making shrimp brochettes and burgers and chicken sandwiches. And I'd be watching the dining room, and as people finished up, I would duck down, I would take off the hat and apron, and underneath it, I had a busboy outfit. And I would go out and I would bust the table, and I would go back and fucking throw a load of dishes in and then run back up and go, you know. You know, didn't wash my hands. There was no signs back then.

They didn't say, employees must wash all hands. They just were like, we're going out of business. You know, the one of the owners is a cokehead, and he's been stealing out of the fucking register or whatever the hell happened. The usual restaurant bullshit. That's never gonna change.

But I was listening to that tape, and I moved down there. I had no friends down there, and I was fucking going part time to school. It was really a shit year of my life, other than the people that I met at the restaurant. And so I just kept listening to that album. And somehow they came around with Motley Crue, and I missed them.

And I'm like, ah, you know, I'll catch him on the next one. And then, like, a year after that, they kicked Stephen Adler out. And I was like, that was like my favorite fucking drummer. You know, it was right as I played drums, he played a little four piece kid. And I had, you know, I didn't have any money, so I had a little four piece kid, and this guy was getting all this fucking music out of this little kid.

And I don't know how. I think in moving back from North Carolina up to Massachusetts, the tour passed me and I missed him. And I was watching this whole fucking thing on that tour of.

You know. Guns n Roses, talking about how, you know, a couple of them were talking about how, you know, they decided they were going to try to out party Nikki Sixx and Tommy Lee. And they were just looking at him like, oh, okay, this again. Everyone else has failed, you know? All right, you want to take a run?

You want to take a shot at the title? Let's go. And they just started drinking shots and slash pukes and then goes, all right, I'm ready to keep going. And of course they drank him under the table and all of this shit. And like, just, like, listening to the stories was fucking amazing.

But also just thinking, I can't believe I fucking, like, as far as the late eighties went in hard rock, that was the fucking tour that was probably the apex of those shows, was the original lineup of Guns n Roses, opening for Motley Crue in 87, 88. And you know what's funny? The metalhead that I worked with, Stu Jason. I still remember his name. Metallica fan.

I remember he was like, my age, and he had, like, that first mustache. You grow that see through thing. And he had his fucking cliff Burton hair tucked up into his chef hat. He was the one. I burned his hands by accident one time.

I put a plate. He wasn't ready, and I fucking. I made the order too quick, and he had a bunch of shit to do, and I put it to the side, and he said, what's up with that burger? Not thinking. I just grabbed the plate at that point.

It was hot, and I set it right in his hands. He just goes, he screamed so fucking loud. And then, like, disappeared out of the window. And everyone turned in the restaurant, turned around and looked. It was a quick yell.

It's like, yeah, like that, right? And then I ducked down. I acted like I was bending down to get, you know, another utensil to cook these people's lunch with. And I fucking laughed for like, I don't know how long. I don't care what.

Whatever your burger you were at, if you got. Everybody got at least a medium burger in that lunch. I was laughing so fucking hard, the look of, like, him. Like, it all happened so fast. His face went from, I'm just taking a plate to, hmm, that's weird to fuck all in, like, two hundredths of a second.

He used every facial muscle, and then he fucking screamed. It was fantastic for me. Anyway, so he saw that tour, and I remember thinking, like, all right, when that comes back around, I'm gonna see it again. And then I ended up leaving North Carolina. I somehow missed that fucking tour.

And, you know, I don't know. I was so walled off musically. I'm not even gonna get into the shit that I should have gone seen, you know, gone and seen, like, prince on fucking, you know, the purple rain tour, sign of the times. Any of those things. I missed all of those.

Missed them all, you know, but I saw all those metal bands, like, a fucking thousand times. Anyway, let's talk about some other cool shit, man. I saw a 75 Cadillac Eldorado. Silver. With fucking red leather interior.

It's just like, why can't we keep doing that? You know? I'm over the whole fucking horsepower thing, you know? Do they make a car for a man rather than some guy that wants to fucking relive his teenage years? Does everything have to have a thousand fucking horsepower or these stupid Tesla cars?

You know what driving a Tesla's like? It's driving. Remember those styrofoam coffee cups? It's like driving one of those fucking. Things.

Except it goes zero to 60 in, like, a second, you know? But I'm very forgiving of the Tesla. Cause we're very. We're very early on in the resurgence of electric cars because they were around initially before the big oil companies kicked the shit out of them. And if the electric car had won, all right, not only would we not be fighting wars in Middle east right now, we would be fighting them in Africa, because then they'd be like, we got to get all the fucking.

Whatever that shit is you need for batteries. That'll be the next fucking battleground. Those will be the next evildoers. These sociopaths talk half the fucking enough of the country into thinking that people in other countries are evil rather than they're just like us. If you want to see what other people like, watch that documentary that won the oscar.

I wish I knew the name of it about that has the home videos of Ukrainians, like, leading up to Russia invading them. And just know that that's what fucking war looks like. It's a bunch of fucking people. Innocent people, walking around, living their lives, loving their children, falling in love, getting their heart broken. Fucking going to see Motley crue and guns n roses.

Whatever their country's version of that. And then all of a sudden some greedy ass country company is probably better the word for it comes in to take their fucking natural resources or their. They're up against water. And that's desirable because the other fucking country's landlocked and I'm not coming down on us. Everybody does.

Iraq did that to fucking Kuwait. Although we kind of were sitting on Saddam's chest. So he was trying to get out of that. He was trying to pull a gangster. Move that guy and say what you want.

Did you ever see when that guy got fucking executed? Like, I think that guy was like, he looked like he was still squaring up for a fight. People were yelling at him and he was looking at him, giving him shit right back with a fucking rope around his neck. And at any second they were going to fucking pull the thing. He ended his life going, no, fuck you.

He had the, you know, that, that fucking, that set I had in philly, next time somebody goes, dude, that's unbelievable. It's like, that's not. Saddam had a good one too. He had a little better one. All I was doing was getting booed.

This guy was literally at the end of his life telling them to go fuck themselves.

That's the real deal right there. That's the real deal. Fucking hardcore. That's the kind of guy that leads a country, you know, all of them seem to be okay with murder.

And. You'Re just able to sleep like a baby. Hey, Saddam, how was work today? You know, the usual. Torturing people.

What's for dinner? Oh, I didn't make anything. Then he gives her that look. But I can.

There's the reality series I want to see. I want to see a real housewife that's married to a dictator. Oh, my God. The Real Housewives of the world's dictators. You have Vladimir Putin, he doesn't have a wife, does he?

That guy looks like he just fucking. He's still playing hockey. That guy's still out there crushing it, you know, drinking top shelf vodka, whatever. They're mistresses. Oh, that's what it is.

The Real Housewives of the dictators go up against their side pieces. It's some sort of, I don't know, some sort of battle for death, right? And then the dictators, they talk to all, every. Every other dictator's wife and every other dictator's mistress, and they try to move the pawns around the board and see who is the most manipulative, who is the most evil, the most evil of them all. Jesus Christ.

I think I'm about ready to set. Up a pitch, pitch meeting with fucking trutv. Um, anyway, I, uh, I went for a great flight today with a buddy of mine and landed at this little, um, uncontrolled airport. And, uh, they had, uh, they had this little fucking, you know, breakfast cafe there where they have like, midwest portions. You know, people eat in the midwest.

You know, those fucking, those giant belts and fucking just those giant people out there. Like everybody in the midwest, you know, every other person seems. They look like they fucking played for Nebraska or Iowa and not some bullshit finesse placey. Like they on the line.

Like you walk into a steakhouse in Chicago and you're looking at people that probably, you know, blocked for like three of the fucking best current running backs in the NFL or whatever over the last so many, so many years or whatever.

Anyway, big portions and everything. Then they had like a porch sort of overlooking where these little cessnas were. And they had a couple of, like, you know, old school planes. And I was just, like, looking at the place. They had a bunch of funny signs about getting drunk on the wall.

They had big portions. And I'm like, wait a second. I'm like, can you smoke on this little balcony here? She's like, oh, yeah.

See, people, you always gotta go, mom and pop. Mom and Pop is always gonna be better. I was thinking, you can't fucking smoke anywhere near a plane with jet fuel and whatever. All of this fuel around here. What are you doing?

You can't smoke. All there is is no smoking signs around airports. And they had the porch off the back. It was like, this is fantastic.

And if elected, and if elected, you would be able to smoke a cigar, whatever the fuck you wanted to. As you can tell, I'm back on this month. Next month will be off. What are you gonna do? All right, you try, you fail, you forgive yourself.

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Liquid death.com burr. I don't know what. So I gotta play this song tomorrow. I went down to the store last night on Annie Letterman show, and I fucking. I was able to do a nice half hour, keep the act fresh.

Cause I'm going out to Arizona next month. Phoenix, Arizona. And I got a. What do I got to do there? I got to do four shows.

I'm playing golf a couple of times. I'm bringing my buddy out, Vinnie Mark. Fucking hilarious guy. He also, you know, has been talking shit about golf. And so I got versey on the weekend, then a road gig with versey in forever.

So we're going to go up against him, play a little skins game when we're out there. You know, what the hell? I figure if it's going to go, if it's going, if it's going to. What is it? Hell in a handbasket.

You know what? That's one of those ones you got to look at. Hell in a handbasket. Is that just alliteration or did something happen? Like, everything either goes back to slavery anytime you do any sort of saying now, it always goes back to some sort of genocide or slavery or whatever.

I don't know. I give up with that shit. So maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should not look it up. Um, so I'm not gonna lie to you, I had like, a full on fucking depression.

Got some bad news, man. Just fucking. Just one of those. Really? Is this what the back nine looks like?

Yeah. All right. You know, and then what do you do? What do you do? Well, you smoke 200 cigars, drink 500 cups of coffee, and then you just finally just go, what am I doing to myself?

Is this making it any better? No.

I have found in my older age, I like going for drives and just thinking, you know, at night here in LA, L. A is the coolest city. At night. You know, it literally cools off. You drive up in the hills, you look down at the city, it looks like Christmas time with all the lights and everything.

And I don't know. I think that's why I like, you know, I was talking earlier with all these fucking stupid horsepower cars. It's like everything is just either a ballist piece of shit or like, I don't think I could keep that on the road. You know? It's like, what not everybody is a dad who doesn't give a fuck about cars or a speed freak.

What do they make a fucking car for? Old school. Like those old school men that I grew up in with that they had, like, their fucking initials on their. On their shirt sleeves. Come home with the company car.

They. Didn'T give you a fucking Dodge Challenger. You got a Lincoln Continental, two doors, fucking sedan with a bench seat so your secretary could blow you during lunch hour. Um. No.

It was like riding in a fucking living room. I wonder what ever happened to that.

The last car I remember that was kind of like. That was the Mercedes S 550. The long, the long, the long. I say the long, the long base chassis that they had. But I found that car.

When you drove it, you just. You felt like a chauffeur. Like a few times I ubered and somebody picked me up in one of those things before the gas prices got all crazy. Thanks. Donald Biden, Joe Trump.

That's what it is. It's not the greedy ass corporations that tell those cunts what to do. It's the blue and red, red, blue tie. That's what it is.

Somebody picked me up at one of those, and I got to ride in the back seat. Oh, no, wait. That wasn't it. This promoter I knew had it, and he picked me up, and I was in the backseat. It had all this leg room, and it reminded me a way back in the day.

This buddy of mine, his dad had a. An early seventies Ford Limited. Four door bench in the front and the back. Fucking shit brown with like, sort of gold brown interior with, like, that metal flex sort of look about it. And when you sat in the right rear seat and you wanted to talk to the driver, like, he had to lean forward so he could hear you.

That fucking car was a boat. And one of the great nights of my teenage years is we rode into town and we had this beer called Heffenreffer. It was known as the Green Death. And the Hefe and refer family was actually from Massachusetts, and it was called the green Death. It was funny because the alcohol content was like.

Wasn't even that much more than american beer, but it was kind of like, does Canada have more? It's been so long since I drank, I can't remember. But it was like, whatever american beer is, it was like one and a half times that or whatever. So it was called the green death because we were young and we didn't know how to drink. And you'd be pounding these things like you were drinking Coors light, and all of a sudden it would catch up with you and then you would.

You would puke, you would ralph, you would blow chow, whatever. We used to say, dude, he fucking blew chow all over his fucking chick's car.

So anyway, we had twelve of those. And I rode in town with two of my buddies. It was three of us. I remember that. We were riding in town in that fucking car, and we were going to a Bruins game at the old Boston garden in the Adams division.

And you just knew there was going to be a fighter, period. Cam Neely, Ray Bork. I mean, it was just Jay Miller, Lyndon Byers, all of those guys, that whole fucking crew. And everyone was going to be shit faced. And it was just like.

It was just shit faced guys and fucking hot chicks that had crushes on hockey players. The hockey players, they always had the hardest chicks. They always fucking. To this day, to this day, the fucking hot chicks, they just love the hockey players. I don't know what it is.

So that's what it was. You'd go there, it was like 90% guys. And then it was hot chicks with the jersey of the Bruin they had a crush on back when they used to wear white at home and you wore your colors on the road.

And I just remember going in there and I was like, the perfect level. Like, buzzed and going in there, and I was just getting that taste of freedom as a teenager. And I remember thinking, like, I'm going to have a big fucking car like this, you know, I don't know what I'm gonna do for a living. I'm a big fucking car like this, and I'm gonna have season tickets to the Bruins, the Celtics, the Patriots and the Red Sox. And whenever I wanna go to a fucking game, I'm gonna go to the game.

Like, that was. That was the dream.

And I was gonna get hammered, and I was gonna take all my high school buddies, you know, and it was never gonna end, right? Like, life was never gonna start. Those fun thoughts you have as a teenager. But anyway, so speaking of that, the hockey season's over. I just watched the end of the Penguins, the Penguins and the Islanders.

I missed the Red Sox. I got busy. I was writing with my buddy. And. Then there's no NBA on so they must be getting ready to go so I don't know I was getting real down on the Red Sox I was just like I was joking with a buddy of mine's a Yankee fan it's like dude I'm ready to throw in the towel and just go wrap my arms around the fighter just be like no mas.

But after that fucking, that extra inning loss the other night they did show heart, they fought back, we were down like five one or something came back, we were up six five and then seven six blew it in the bottom of the 9th and then lost ten to three in eleven innings but I saw the relief pitcher afterwards he was saying you know it sucks everybody's hurt and blah, blah blah but you know this team fought back and I'm like all right, all right good, that's all I needed to hear.

I don't want. To pack it in on April whatever you are 1718 or something like that um so anyway don't have any reads this week um but uh I'm gonna do a bunch of spots around la make sure I'm nice and sharp for those shows out in Phoenix and also I got my uh I'm gonna be taping a special coming up I'll tell you where at some point I will announce it and uh oh Billy fucking flat stomach is gonna be showing up. I've been crushing it, crushing it with the diet to the point like I don't even crave bad food. I'm actually craving vegetables and water right now which is weird. It used to be oh Jesus, oh, oh Billy, old Billy, fucking uh I used to be old Billy sweet tooth.

That's one of the best things I did, you know what I mean? Like my life work is not becoming a fat ball ginger my adult. Like. That'S just nobody needs to see that there's enough pain in the fucking world. I don't need to do that to people okay?

I keep myself in shape I'll wear a fucking hat, you know I'm doing my part to keep you know keep America beautiful or less ugly. How about that? Um catch me outside, how about that? Um anyway I've been fucking riding that motorcycle like a motherfucker. Uh.

After every time I fly I fucking get on that thing. I'm starting to figure her out you know, I'm down shifted, I'm letting the clutch out, I'm not going not doing that shit. I'm kind of yee ay. Whoa, fucking chill blinker doing the whole thing. I'm almost ready to go out in the road and get myself killed.

No, that ain't happening. That ain't happening. I'm going Tom Cruise, except I'm not in top gun. Except I'm not on the fucking, uh. What did he have there?

The fuck with those things? A ninja. Dude. I should just look at those things and get scared. I literally thought, like, you know, if you just even gave it a little bit of throttle, like, you'd go flying off the back.

But now I just, for some reason, was thinking about it now that I've been riding again, and I was thinking, like, well, what the fuck? If someone wants to ride it up a ramp into the back of a fucking pickup truck, like, it's. There's got to be, like, you know, as they say out here, you know, just. Just be mellow, man, and just fucking, you know, those are some of the most. The hardest videos for me to watch are those fails when people try to ride their motorcycles up into the back of the truck and they don't go fast enough, and then they fall off the bike, and the bike just slams down on the pavement.

It's just the fucking worst. The only thing worse than that is when they overshoot the ramp and then fuck up their bike and then blow out the back window of their pickup truck and they fuck up their truck. You fucked up your motorcycle and your truck on the same goddamn. On the same attempt. I mean, what are you gonna do next?

You're just gonna fucking kick your step on your dog's tail? I mean, that's just the trifecta right there. That's the triple double of I just fucked my life. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. Enjoy the music picked out by Andrew themolish.

I apologize for the quality here. I can't find my fucking microphone. I don't know where I set it down. I will find it, though, and that is it. Enjoy the playoff hockey, which starts on.

Saturday, I believe, and enjoy a bonus episode of the Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend.

Sa.

Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 18, 2016. What's going on, dude? How are you?

Um, I don't. I don't ignore it. I don't even know where to start on this fucking one. Um, well, how do you begin this one and still be sensitive? Sensitive?

There's so many sensitive stories out there when there's. When there's feelings, they're. An unfolding takes a certain level of tact. When you try to approach this subject, um, this fucking lady down at the zoo in Palm Beach, Florida, rest her soul, got attacked and killed, got mauled by a fucking tiger, sometimes referred to as the tiger whisperer. Yada, yada, yada, yada yada yada yada and all that fucking shit.

These. I don't know what it is about people who fall in love with wild animals. There's nothing you can do to cure it. It's fucking. It doesn't give a fuck about you.

It's not a dog, you know, falling in love with a wild animal, it's like falling in love with a stripper, you know? It's just not gonna end well. It's not gonna end well. Fucking unbelievable. Then there's another story.

This fucking scout leader takes a bunch of boy scouts, takes a bunch of children into the fucking woods. He goes into a cave, and there's a fucking bear in there. So the whole story is, oh, it isn't amazing that the boy scouts kept their fucking cool. The guy knew. The scout leader knew.

He pulled his shirt up over his face and then curled up into the fetal position, which I guess is the international bear signal. Like, hey, man, I don't want any. Part of this, man. And then the bear lost interest and walked away. But at no point during all of this does anybody say, hey, the fuck are you bringing a bunch of kids around where there's bears, just walking around?

It's bad enough if you take your kids to the fucking zoo the amount of times these goddamn things get loose, or at the very least, some fatty's gonna walk up to some polar bear cage, go over the fucking thing and stand there, you know, and then get fucking snatched by this thing. And what does she say? Get it. God. Get it.

Gun. What, for you? She fucking blow your brains out, you dope, right? So I'm not saying the lady who died in Florida was a dope. I'm just saying that, I don't know.

You insert yourself into the situation, and there's no good way to insert yourself into a mauling to death by a tiger. Cause you know what that means. There was also. They always just say malt, you know, like, it came up like. Like some prison shit and just stuck you with the shank.

It didn't. It fucking crushed your neck, and then it started feeding on your innards. That's fucking brutal.

Hang on a second. Nia. Okay. What are you doing? You coming in?

All right? Did you lock me in?

Okay. Sorry. She just got. She's freaking me out. There.

Like, I got these new locks on the door. I thought she was locking the door. It's still early here, and I just woke her up, so she's gonna be a little grumpy. Nia, if you want to come in on the podcast, let me know.

Oh, that silent spoke volumes. You know, I'll tell you right now, getting married is kind of like falling in love with a wild animal, you know, as much as you love them. Don't get too close to the fucking enclosure. Yeah, let me get back to that. Why the fuck would you take a bunch of kids out?

Like, no. At no point does anybody address that this guy took a bunch of fucking children out to where there's bears, and then they watched him get fucking mauled for half a second before he took his eyes on and yanked it over his head. That's what you're supposed to do. How have I been on the earth this long and not known that that's what you do when you run into the bear. Is it because I'm not in scouting?

Or is it because most people are smart enough to not be around bears, to not reenact the fucking scene from the Leonardo DiCaprio movie? What was it called? The Raycon deux. I don't even know what the fuck it is. The revelant, the irrelevant.

Whatever the fuck it was called. I hate when they take some big word that already exists and just makes you feel like. It's like, did they make that word up? And it's like, no, that word has existed. The revenant.

Right? That word has existed your entire life. Just you and everybody you know is too dumb to walk around and use it on a daily basis. And, yeah, it's a sad feeling. It's a sad fucking feeling.

I forget what I was looking. Oh, yeah? What to do if a bear attacks you. I can tell you right now, this is going to be 99.9% white people looking this shit up. We're the dopes that go out there.

I hate to do def jam material, but it's fucking true. Jesus fucking Christ. 2016, and you get mauled by a grizzly bear. There's no excuse for that. And you know how, you know Hallmark doesn't make a card for it?

There you go. You can go through all of that whole sympathy section. Sorry for your loss. Sorry you got this disease. Sorry I was a douche yesterday.

There's no fucking sorry you got mauled by a bear. They don't, because it happened so, so little so few times. There's no reason for it. They should really make one of those, you know, and make it even better. It should, like, rhyme.

I hate to look, I hate to stare, but your face got mauled by a beer. I'm really fucking sorry. Uh, you know, something about a trolley. Go fuck yourself. I hope you feel better.

Tension. All zookeepers out there, those are not your friends, and they don't want to be there. And I think a lot of them realize the situation. They're not just sitting there fucking waiting for you to give them another fucking pile of cube steaks. They're sitting there.

Even if they were born in captivity, I guarantee you that they are sitting there with this strange feeling that there has to be more than this. Look at me, dude. Look. I mean, if you're a fucking tiger, even you're a tiger born into captivity, right? You're rolling around with somebody dressed in a safari outfit, okay?

And you bond with that person like it's your fucking mother, right? At some fucking point, at some point, you know, just your ego alone with all those people showing up just to look at you taking your picture. There's no way. There's no way to keep your 4ft on the ground, you know, and not be like, dude, why am I in a cage right now when everybody's coming up? You know, all I do is lay around every day and these people can't get enough looking at me.

I mean. I mean, I'm the fucking shit, you know? And you just start. Your ego just goes fucking crazy. And then you start looking like, you know, I don't know, you start testing.

They come in a little bit, you give them a little growl. You see it in their face. They got some broom handle. Ah, get back, get back. Right?

You just sort of, you know, first time with your paw test, the strength of that fucking little broom handle. Like, dude, I could snap that thing. This guy's fucking shoulders. This guy's a pussy. You're over there doing tiger push ups, you know, and then one day you're just like, you know what?

As much as I'm enjoying this fucking raw meat, I have it every day and I need to switch up the diet, you know, how would I maul you and use your belt as some dental floss?

I know. I know what you're thinking right now. You're probably thinking, bill, this is really fucking insensitive. Well, you know what? This is how I deal with sad shit.

I joke around about it because I don't feel like thinking about everybody that loved that woman that now can never see her again. So, I mean, what am I supposed to do? And then also, I like to feel that I'm being responsible by giving you some tips on how not to get mauled to death by a bear. I just don't understand that. What's so fucking funny about these goddamn scouts?

It's like, why don't you just go in the woods? You don't have to go into the goddamn wilderness, you know? Fuck. Brings a bunch of kids out there. I'll tell you, it brings a bunch of kids out there.

Kind of guy that goes out and just walks into a fucking cave, gets mauled by a fucking bear. Who the fuck walks into a cave in the middle of the forest? What kind of. I mean, I'm not in scouting. I never was.

I can't start a fire without a match. But I can tell you right now, my general instincts says that. Says that, you know, there's no apartment buildings out in the fucking forest, okay? So a cave is like, that's like a townhouse in Brooklyn, you know, half these people, if they're fucking digging holes in the goddamn ground, curling up to hibernate, and that here's a fucking cave, all right? So you think everybody who lives out there, that's like fucking.

That's like Beverly Hills level property. So who's gonna get it? The strongest, sickest, craziest motherfucker out there, and that's a bear. You know, you're not gonna walk in there and there's gonna be a little fox in there. Like.

It isn't. It's gonna be some fucking. It's going to be the king of the forest, which is a bear, as far as I know. Although I did see a mountain lion give it a couple of fucking, you know, Purnell Whitakers, you know, remember how fast that guy was? They would just fucking ran on top of his head in.

The bear just sat there and taken, you know, he had like, the head movement of late, of late Mike Tyson rather than early. And he just took a few, and then he just sort of started running away. It was a sad day, you know? Um, anyways, just imagine if you ran into a badger or a fucking wolverine. Those lunatics.

Badgers and wolverines, they're like the Irish and the Scottish of the fucking forest, you know what I mean? Those things don't even quit. Even. Even if they're losing.

They just got that. I don't give a fuck, you know, blood all over their face. They're not stopping. They're going to keep coming, just like the Irish and the scottish fucking lunatics. You don't want any part, any part of that.

Well, you know, I don't know. Well, you know, I never even looked this. Okay. Bear encounters in backcountry. If you encounter a bear on the trail or in your campsite.

Yeah. Because you're cooking food, basically the dinner bell of anything within fucking. Oh, my God, look at the size of this fucking bear. Oh, there's a lady fucking walking and there's a bear in the background. Guess what color she is?

All right, be safe in bear habitat. Oh, God. This is the first sentence. The level. I mean, as dumb as I am, the level of dopes that have to be coming to this website.

Listen, this is the first sentence. It's normal. It's normal to. I said normal. It's normal to be frightened when you encounter a bear.

That's how this. This is. This is the jump off point. The reality is that most encounters with bears rarely lead to aggressive behavior and attacks are even rarer. Here they go, sucking you into the forest.

I mean, it happens, but generally, here's a great lie. They're actually more afraid of you than you are of them. Yeah. And what do they do when they're afraid?

They either take off running or they fucking maul you to death and go, hey, you know, here's a bonus. The threat is gone. And now I have a midday snack. Remember, most bears prefer to avoid contact with humans. That's hilarious.

They're like the champion that doesn't want to fight, you know, just trying to hold on to the belt, backpedaling the entire time until you corner the fucking thing. And any bear you do see is probably just as frightened as you are. There it is. Every fucking.

You know what it is that bears don't have access to a mirror.

They're living in their heads. You know, they're out there by themselves, you know, talking to themselves like, man, you know, I'd love to find a cave or some shit, man. Right? And all of a sudden, they finally find it. Nobody else is in here, can fucking chill out, put an l shaped couch over here, get a flat screen, and all of a sudden this fucking guy comes walking in in his goddamn shorts.

You know what he's thinking? He's thinking to catch a predator, he's probably seen that show, too. Here comes his fucking pedophile. The bear thinks he's going to get fucked in the ass, and next thing you know, he's on top of this guy, right? And the fucking dude starts yanking his shirt over his head, and then the bear's like, what the fuck?

This guy's a bottom. You know? I thought this guy was trying to rape me. Now all of a sudden, he's acting like we're making love here, and he's being all submissive. This is fucking weirding me out.

What if he tells his friends, the bears, all homophobic, and then he kills him anyway? You know what? There's a bunch of little kids watching it, all right? And that's what camping is. And I think, you know what?

I have to. Haven't worked that out right there. I think scouting should be illegal. You know what I mean? What are you doing, first of all?

You know, dressing those little boys up like little french maids, you know, with their little scarfs running around. I mean, it's just. You wonder why you got all those sexual predators. Sex predators. Sexual predators.

I don't. Sexual chocolate. Anyways, remain as composed as possible and follow these simple guidelines. Whenever you're in bear country. Soon you, too will have more composure when sighting a bear because you know what to do.

Scream bloody murder and run in the other direction. Actually, it's the exact opposite of what you want to do. You want to remain calm and take a step towards the bear. That shows a level of confidence. Fucking dopes.

All right, first one, avoid, avoid, avoid. Yeah. Like, by staying in civilization. The best way to prevent an unpleasant. An unpleasant bear encounter is to avoid them altogether.

Bears usually avoid people, and most people don't even know when they. They've come close to a bear. Exactly. To ensure a surprise or unit. To ensure a surprise or unpleasant encounter with a bear doesn't occur.

Avoid moving through bear habitat silently and alone. Travel in groups, the larger the better. And make lots of noise by talking or singing. And put the ipod away and pay attention to your surroundings.

Ah, Jesus Christ. I don't know about that. What if the bear's having a slow fucking couple of days and is hungry, and you start, you know, I'm singing. In the rain, scooby doo be dooby. Doo, zipidy do die, zippity a.

You know, and the bear starts sick, and you're like, you know what? I think it's worth the risk. Even though I'm scared, I think I could take that fucking 140 pound dope. All right. When it happens.

See how they wrote that? Said it? When you're getting mauled by the bear and you feel its breath and it's fucking incisors ripping at your neck, when it happens, that's another way of saying that. Remain calm and ready your bear spray or other deterrent. What is it?

Your underarm hair? Stay together. If you're in a group, you will appear larger and more intimidating if you stick together. Try to figure out whether the bear is a grizzly or a black bear. Hey, that thing running at us 40 miles an hour.

If you. It's over, right? Fucking over. Try to figure out whether the bear is a grizzly or a black bear. As you will see below, grizzly bears and black bears tend to behave differently in a given situation.

So it helps to know which species you're dealing with as it's running. After you. Give me a fucking break. Just click here to see the difference. Bears at a distance.

Dude, it's a fucking bear. Look at these fucking things, dude. The fact that one of these things could pick up Lawrence Taylor at the height of his fucking career and throw him through the uprights.

Get bear smart society. These fucking people. Like, I don't get it. I mean, there has to be. Why can't you just go out in your backyard and just set up a tent?

I mean, you. You are still outside. As long as you don't go inside, you are camping. It's not the same thing, man. I gotta get out there where there's bears.

I know what to do. Right? If it's a black bear, black bear. They usually lead with the left. You know what I mean?

The traditional. But a grizzly is a southpaw, so it's going to be a little bit weird. They definitely have a reach advantage, considering when they stand up, they're about 8ft tall. So what you want to do is you want to stay outside his wheelhouse, okay? And you want.

You want to circle away from his powerpentry. You want to circle to your left, staying away. The grizzlies want to load up that left. They go for the big shot. They try to steal around.

Sorry, my, am I beating this to death here? I'm just. There's no fucking reason. There's no reason to get killed by a tiger in the United States of America. They don't live here.

They're only one place. They're at the fucking zoo. And, you know, they're in cages. So at some point, you went into the fucking thing. You just.

You. I don't know. Oh, my God. What is the fucking thought when you get yanked in the second you get. Oh, no, that's got to be it.

Oh, no, make it quick. I mean, just. Shit. That would go through your head. I'm sorry.

This is getting fucking morbid. So anyways, my condolences to the friends and families of the lady down there in Florida, and my condolences to the. The guy with the members only jacket that he yanked up over his fucking head, you know? Good on you, sir. I hope I wish you more luck as you bring children into the fucking woods.

Fucking idiot. What is it about putting on a fucking uniform that all of a sudden you think you know something? I just don't get it. I have all my badges on my shirt. I've been trained.

Thanks for the memories. He's a jolly good fab. That's what they should be saying. They should sing that, you know, we're never gonna see you again music right before you go in the woods, just to fucking remind you of what you're walking into. Anyways, so.

Hey, the official. Finally. The official, I'm allowed to finally say it. F is for family, has been picked up for a second season. I actually got the news back in January, but for whatever reason, the way Netflix promotes stuff, which I would never question, considering they're dominating the universe, they wanted to wait until last Friday.

So it is now official. We are working right now. That's the stuff I've been alluding to that I've been working on. And what was I going to say? Actually, this weekend, I was writing an episode, so I missed all the fucking hockey I saw.

The series that I'm watching is St. Louis versus the Blackhawks. And when I saw game two, I threw in the fucking towel. I was like, that's it. You gave a game to the Blackhawks.

You cannot give a game to the Hawks. You know, you had your foot on their fucking neck. You had the goal. The goal was fucking called back or whatever. I can't remember what happened.

The goal got called back, right? Oh, Tarasenko's goal got called back. And then it's just like, that. Coach should have gone down the bench, no let down, no let down, no. Let down, no let down, right?

What do they do? They go out there, they're pissed. Teresenko takes a stupid fucking penalty. The Blackhawks score the goal, and they steal the fucking game. And I was just like.

And I was texting my buddy. I was like, that right there is why the Blackhawks win every fucking year and St. Louis loses every fucking year. Whatever. The Blackhawks have that ability to remain calm when they're down.

St. Louis, for my whole fucking life, has never had that right. Right after I said all of that shit, what are they doing? Game three, I didn't see the game. I just looked at the highlights, you know, they fucking took three quick penalties in the first period.

Chicago scored on the first, on the first one. If I was watching that game, I'd be like, here we go. Here we go. Chicago's going to win, like, the next four, the next four to five. And they're going to give them.

They're going to give St. Louis the old. Right there, Fred. St. Louis came back, tied it up one one.

Chicago scores a goal in the second period, two to one. They're going into the third period in Chicago. This has always said, you know, it's over for the Blues. It's always been that way since. I don't know how long it's been going on.

Forever. Not like the Blackhawks were good my whole life. I mean, shit, they went through a nice drought, too. But, like, the new Blackhawks, like, this series is over. Fucking St.

Louis came back, tied it up two two, and then went ahead three two with like six minutes left. And so a big congratulations to the St. Louis Blues, that huge fucking victory. And I can't wait to see the next game because I know the Blackhawks, they're not just going to go out like that, right? You know, they're going to tie it up.

They're going to go into St. Louis. This might go, I don't know. Might go seven. I'm open for seven.

You know, I don't give a shit, but I'm pulling for St. Louis. I think they're my team over Dallas just because, you know, Dallas was the North Stars, right? They've only been Dallas stars for like, what, like 20 years, you know, I mean, those people down there, they're a bunch of cowboys who's kidnapped, you know, they're getting plastic surgery. You know, they got their oil well, their wife's wearing too much makeup.

I mean, they're from Dallas. It's the big d. It's a football town. It's a football state. I love the fucking stars.

I love the people on the stars, but, like, I also like their fucking colors. They got celtic colors. I like that. I still like the stars, but, you know, I think. I don't think it's time for the blues.

They've been around since 67. They never won. Shit. So that's the team I'm pulling for. Gbel, how come you're not rooting for the Boston Bruins?

Because we didn't make the playoffs.

But who would have thought? A Blackhawk sit down two games to one to the Blues, and the Kings are down zero two to the San Jose Shaqs.

And actually, a buddy of mine who writes on f is for family. Before this all started, he goes, I don't give a fuck. He goes, the Stanley cup goes through Chicago or LA. And that's what everybody was saying. Now, granted, we're only a couple of games in here.

And granted, the Kings are playing the sharks. And, you know, the Sharks are like the San Diego Chargers if they wore skates, you know, every year coming out having this wonderful fucking regular season, and then they go in the playoffs and they just shit the bed. So we'll see. They're up two games to none. I think game four, if you haven't been watching, is Tuesday night, the Blackhawks versus the Blues.

So I would definitely be checking that out. And I think that's it. I think that's all I had on hockey, right? My Celtics, I watched them lose game one. But I'm just so psyched.

They're in the fucking playoffs and they're a young team. They should have won the game. They should have been able to close it out, but they didn't. But they hung in there. They got hot.

They're just a little young. They just got to learn how to fucking. They'll learn. Hopefully. You know what?

I'm. You know, I'm hoping. I'm hoping that we get Kevin Durant. He would be a great fucking celtic. Whether he does that or not.

I mean, there's always someplace. You know what? This is the most crucial time and I. Since I can remember, for the Los Angeles Lakers, where Kobe just fucking retired, okay? Their owner fucking died, so now they got the son, fuckhead that he is.

Sorry, that had nothing to do with the Lakers. I was just quoting. What movie was that? And then your son, fuckhead that he is, left his driver's lice. True romance.

Yeah. They have to make something happen. They got to throw their fucking money around. I don't know. They don't have the coach.

They don't have it. This could be for the first time you realize that the Lakers have won more fucking championships since 1970 than any other team in any other major sport.

So I got to respect what they've done more so than what anybody else has done prior to that. Because prior to that was the 23 skadoo years where the shit was in fucking, basically black and white, you know, segregated leagues. The Stanley cup was the size of a shot glass. You know, the Celtics used to win. There would be like, fucking five white guys against five white guys, or maybe five against four white guys.

And then Bill Russell was out there. You know what I mean? It's just. It's just a completely different time, you know?

I don't know. We'll see. So anyways, let me do a little bit of advertising here. Sorry. My brain's all over the place and I still can't get over how fucking people get mauled.

20, 1620, fucking 16. I mean, to get mauled to death by a fucking tiger in 2016, it's like.

I don't.

I think the probability of getting run over by a stagecoach is just as probable. Like, how many people. You know what? I gotta look that up. Death by stagecoach.

You know, there's gonna be somebody. Some wild west show in Oklahoma fell off the Chuck wagon. Okay. You know, it's gonna be a guy too. Man killed under stagecoach.

Let's see if we get. See we get. Did you mean man killed under stagecoach? One word. I guess I did.

Unsettling events. Stagecoach robberies, police id. Man killed in Stowe. Crash.

Fatal crash on Stagecoach Road. 72 year old man was killed Sunday morning after a crash in West Lakeland township. Another authority said a vehicle traveling northbound on stagecoach Rhodes. I guess it doesn't happen. Whatever.

Somebody got kicked by a horse. Something stupid. Something that shouldn't be happening during this time. Bill, why can't you just admit that you were wrong? All right, I was wrong.

It's more probable to get mauled to death by a tiger. All right, let's. Let's do read some of the advertising here. Alrighty, daddad. But then a dad that'll take care of that.

Fucking mauled to death by a tiger. You know, fucking, you know, attacked by a bear in the wilderness as you're walking around with fucking 20 children that aren't yours. I mean, that sounds like an episode of law and order. Boo. Boo.

Boo. Boo. Boo. Like, what the fuck were you doing out with all of those kids? I found them, all right?

My gym got delayed by some bullshit. Not some bullshit, just some shit. And I'm just like, no, do it right. They're like, we can do it this way. Oh, we can do it the right way.

I'm like, do it the right way. So I have not been working out and I've been eating like shit because I'm just like, well, the second the gym's there, I'm gonna fucking go like a madman. But Jim's taking longer than I thought. And, you know, old Billy's starting to look like some overcooked mashed potatoes. And I'm not liking it.

I'm not liking it one bit. All right, let's do some reads here. Let's do some reads. Oh, you know what? I didn't talk about any of the other playoff series, did I?

Any of the other NHL ones. The filthy flyers are down 20 to the Washington Capitals, and they are the perennial favorites in the Eastern Conference. Let's see real quick. Tampa Bay Lightning leads Detroit two one. Detroit won the last one.

They're fucking red backs up against the ropes. Big victory there. Islanders over Florida two games to one. Nashville's up two games to none of a fucking Anaheim. Oh, this sucks, man.

Fucking the Kings. And the Ducks are going to get knocked out. No playoff hockey for old fucking freckles out here. Dallas is up two games to none. I'm completely in the dark with all of this bullshit because I'm going to be in a writers room.

I'm in the writers room for the next. Well, it's 18 weeks total to write the second season. And believe it or not, I'm actually finding that I love being in the writers room. I thought it was something that I was not going to enjoy because of the freedom that I have as a comedian. But it turns out I really like writing scripts and I like writing dialogue and all of that shit.

And we're having a great time, and I think you guys hopefully are going to enjoy it. So now your next question should be, bill, how many episodes did they give you? 1010 episodes for season two. And when is it going to be? When is it going to come out?

Probably this time next year. It's animation. That's how long it takes. I think they're saying may of next year is when it comes out, unfortunately. But that's how it works.

But it's going to be worth the wait. But I hope now that we're kind of going that once we do this one, we can immediately go into season three. I don't know how it fucking works. I guess that wouldn't make sense. They got to see how many people watch season two.

I don't know. I think by the time we finish season five, it will be 60. That's what I'm guessing. All right, let's do some questions here for the week. Come to Prague.

Come to Prague. I'd like to go to Prague. Hey, Billy Wingnut. Just so you know, we started using your songs at circle time. Circle time is every morning at 915 after yoga.

It is songs and words and learning English. All the kids singing are czech kids. Please come to Prague. The fuck is circle time? Sounds oddly filthy.

Circle time, Prague Prague linguistic circle homepage.

What the fuck? I don't even know what that means. I can't tell you this. So I've stuck with the French of 51 fucking days, and now it's starting to just be in my head. I still can't speak it.

Well, if somebody's speaking it, I pick out a few words, but, like, reading it, I'm crushing it. Reading. I read. I transcribed this whole fucking article about the pope saying that, you know, as much as the Catholic Church has been against condoms, there are certain instances, you know, that they don't think it's bad to use them, you know, especially preventing the spread of HIV AIDS, whatever, you know? And they said something about, you know, unprotected sex with male prostitutes.

I think that that's what it said. I couldn't tell if it was that or men going to prostitutes. I couldn't quite get the translation, so I'm sticking with it. And because on Duolingo, too, if you do 100 days in a row, they give you a couple of trinkets, whatever the fuck that means. So I'm over the hump.

I'm running downhill now, and I don't know, I just think I'm really doing it. Not only did I want to learn how to do it, but I just think it's funny. If someone as dumb as me becomes completely fluent in French, and then that gives me the opportunity to go to France or go to Montreal and act like the dumb American and then listen to what they're saying about me, and then just fucking hit him over the head with some fucking. I can't say perfect french, but, like, fluent french. Just watch their fucking little fucking pocket squares get all fucking in a bunch.

That's why I'm doing it. I'm doing it. It's going to take. I don't know how long it's going to take me. I just.

I want to have that moment just once in my life where I can just sit there and have somebody trash me in a different language, and they don't know that I can hear everything. I understand everything that they're saying just so I can look at them and then fucking come back and I'm, like, basically saying, like, I know exactly what the fuck you just said. Right, all right, sorry. Most people want to learn it so they can communicate. Not me.

Not me. I want to do it so I can have an argument on the other side of the world. What does that say about me? All right, cooking question. Dear Billy, the butter basting bitch.

Ah, that was a, you know. See, there you go. There you go. Something original. I like that.

Made fun of my cooking. You kept the alliteration going. You called me a bitch in the end of it. I give that one four stars. Four stars.

All right. Anyways, I am a huge fan and I. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada. My question is, thank you for blowing through all that. My question is, you used to talk about cooking all of the time, but now you rarely do.

What gives? Did you stop cooking? If not, what have you made lately? Please make more cooking videos, like the pie crust one you made. I need something new to jerk off to.

Thanks. And go fuck yourself. Yeah, I haven't been cooking. I. When I.

When we write these episodes for f is for family, I'm so fucking relieved I can finally talk about this shit. It consumes my life. I mean, I basically. I go in at 1030 every morning. There's usually some other bullshit I have to do.

So I'm usually in there by ten in the morning. And then we fucking write all day till about seven. And by the end of it, I just come home. I pour scotch, I stare at the wall. I fall asleep.

My dog wakes me up at seven. I take her for a walk. I come home, I have breakfast. I try to bang out a podcast and maybe do a little bit of French. And then I go right back to work.

So I don't have time to fucking do anything. You know, I should do. I should start using blue apron. You know, I saw Mark Marin. He actually cooked a meal on it.

It looked fucking delicious. But I should really start doing something like that because I've been eating in a good way and sort of bad way. I had the best motherfucking burger I've ever had in Los Angeles, and that is saying something. And if you'd like to know where to go the next time you see me when you're in Los Angeles, if you ask me, I will tell you where the place is, but I'm not saying it on a podcast because I hate when Anthony Bourdain does that. And this is cool fucking spot.

And then he makes it. He makes it fucking, you know, every Tom, Dick and Harry's got to go out there. And then it comes under new management. The whole thing gets fucked up. So.

Or even if I'm out on the road, if I'm out on the road, just yell it out during my show. Be like, hey, Bill, where's that good burger spot? You're in LA. You know, you bought a ticket? I'll tell you.

Then. You listen to this podcast for free. You don't get the information. Oh, is it delicious? The fries were okay.

The soda was. You know, they had the mexican fucking coke and the Fanta orange with the real sugar. Incredible. Incredible tasting. That's where this country is right now.

Coca Cola is made better in Mexico than it is in the United States. What does that say about us, you know? And is Donald Trump, Hillary Clinton, or fucking Bernie Sanders even approached that at any point during this campaign? They might have. Lord knows I'm not watching.

All right, so, no. Where I last left, I was trying to learn how to make Noki, and I failed miserably. And my own wife, the woman who's supposed to love me unconditionally, sickness and health and good times and in bad. And when I made Noki, it was a bad time. And what did she do?

Did she stick by me? Did she say, it's okay, and rub my head? Nope. You know what she said? She leaned over, and she goes, Hank.

And I was like, what? She got right in my ear, and she goes, you shouldn't make pasta anymore. She said, you shouldn't make pasta anymore. You know, maybe she knows me well enough to know that if. When somebody says something like that to me, that just makes me go, all right, I'm gonna fucking master this shit.

You know? I mean, it's not like, you know, somebody says, you shouldn't sing anymore or you shouldn't dance anymore. I mean, I understand that. I mean, I fucking. There's just certain things.

But, I mean, cooking is just one of those things where you just do it. You can learn how to do it. Like, all these fucking people on the food network, they don't have any. They don't have any talent. It's just they just, you know, they didn't have any friends, and they just fucking.

You know, they started off making cereal, and then they just kept progressing. I'm kidding. I know. It's an art form. All right, fucking relax, okay?

Put your apron back on and go fucking make a souffle. All right, so. Yeah, so I'm kind of stuck on that. But the next time I go to New York, I met somebody. I met somebody.

It's very special. I met somebody in New York, a chef at this italian restaurant. And he told me he's, like, the real deal, like, right off the boat. Said, anytime you come to New York, he goes, I'll show you how to make pasta from scratch. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Because I took a pasta making class, and they were supposed to then email a bunch of shit to help you out, and they never had any follow through. And then I waited too long to try it again, and I finally. I kind of forgot some of the tricks. So that's where I'm at with the cooking thing. And as far as making, like, the cooking videos, I did the pie crust thing because that was another thing I just thought was funny.

Someone like me knows how to do something like that, but, like, I can't cook better than most of the people out there, so I don't understand the point of it. Maybe if I learn how to make gnocchi, I'll teach you guys how to do it, but I'll have to do it for a long time before I'll feel, like, confident enough to make a video. Maybe if I fuck it up, it'll be funny. I have no idea. All right, let's keep reading here, shall we?

Okay. All right. Garden. Oh, Billy Topsoil. One of my favorite things you used to talk about was your garden and your steps towards getting off the grid.

My question is, do you still have a garden, and are you still taking steps to get off yourself off the grid?

I mean, I have a lemon and a lime tree, so I'll never get scurvy.

No, I just. The level of, like, commitment that that takes. And you have to have, like, a fucking hen house and shit, you know, I don't have time to become Mister Green jeans, and then what do I. I have to have a hen house guy. I have to have the chicken guy.

You know? I mean, it's like, as you accumulate shit, then you have to get the something guy, right? You know, you buy a fucking house immediately. You have a plumber, you got to have a fucking electrician. You know, you got to have a.

Basically a handyman. Okay, then what? Then you have a garden, and you got to have a fucking landscape or gardening guy, because you're too busy doing whatever you do for a fucking a living. You get a pool. You need the pool guy.

You know, you get a dog. You got the fucking dog guy, the vet guy, all of that shit. It's just more money flying out of your fucking wallet. And I am very envious of people that have their own gardens and that type of shit. But I, you know, I have my little piece of fucking la out here, which is not much.

We all live on top of each. I'm literally looking out my window right now, and I see the roof of the person's house next to me. That's just basically how it works, you know? And I look out the back. I look out my back window and I see the apartment buildings, the back of the apartment buildings.

From the street over, there's really not a place to plant some turnips, although I wish there was. And I don't think I could really get away with, like, having fucking chickens and shit. Some rooster crowing every morning. Because the noise ordinance is. Noise is not supposed to leave your property.

Although most people, the second they turn on their stereo, they break that fucking thing. But I would love to do it. I'd love to get solar panels and be off the grid. But you really can't be. You still have to give them a little bit of money.

I forget. I don't know how it works. But they have some, so I know how it works. The president makes 400 grand a year. So they go, yeah, listen, fuck.

Oh, you want the second term? Make this a law. We said make it a law, right? Next thing, oh, it's a law. Because there's people live in the middle of nowhere.

The electric company finds them, and then they, like, they sue them. And, like, you have to give us money every month, which is. I just don't understand how that is legal. That goes around so many things that this country is allegedly about that someone would force you. I understand taxes.

It's like, yeah, dude, you want to live here, you got to kick in for the potholes. I get that. But you have to buy power from this fucking. No, wait. Don't fuck off.

But that's not how it works. It's not how it works if you guys know how to do it, if you know how to get off the grid, by all means. Not because I want to be off the grid, not because I give a fuck that I give money to the power companies. I just, you know, when the shit hits the fan, I would like to be that beacon of light that all the zombies run to. Right?

He still got a flat screen. All right, girlfriends, weight. Oh, Jesus. Here we go. Dear Bill, I'm a 21 year old guy.

My girlfriend is 20. We've been Ta. We've been talking for about six months now, and we just recently decided to make it official. Now here's the part where I need your expert advice. Oh, Jesus.

How should I go about telling her I think she needs to lose weight? She's not a fat ass, by no means, but she could lose a few pounds. Now I sound. Now I sound like an ass. I know I sound like an asshole.

I think is what he's supposed to say, yeah, I know I sound like an asshole, but I care about her and want to see her be more confident. Thanks for the help. I enjoyed the show in Long beach.

How do you say she could lose a. There is no way. What I would do is I would get yourself in great shape and start getting her into hiking with you and, like, you know, but you can't make somebody work out. You can't make somebody get in shape. They either want to do it or they don't.

And, you know, that's like a major, major, major fucking. You know, telling a woman she needs to lose a few pounds is like, that's the female equivalent of them saying to you, like, you know, your dick could be a little bigger.

It's devastating.

I wouldn't say it to her, but, you know, you also got to think, you know, at 20, if they could lose, if they were already getting out of shape at 20 years of age, you know, then what? Then they have a couple of kids. They're gonna be a fucking house. I mean, that's just something you get. You gotta be honest about if someone doesn't take care of themselves, you know?

And this works both ways too, ladies. Like, if you're with some guy and he's in his twenties and he's sitting there and he's already getting man tits, it's not gonna get better. And you gotta sit there and really just be like, how much do I love this person? Because I'm gonna watch them see slowly eat themselves to death because that's what you're doing. And unfortunately, your chickens start coming home to roost in your forties.

Whatever the fuck you did, whenever you started to go off the rails at 16 or 17 with drinking, drugging, eating, or whatever, right around when you get to your forties is when the first, like, like, God damn, that happened to him. I thought that was some old man shit. And you're like, oh, wait, we're in our forties because you'll still feel like you're in your twenties. So I don't know. I would go a positive route.

I would just tell her how. I would tell her.

We tell her how good she looked. I mean, it's just fucking, I don't, I don't, there's no way to do it. That is, there's no, that's a fortress and there's no door in. You know what I mean? There's no door in on that one.

You just have to just. If you're gonna say it, if you just fucking say it, then you're really risking, like, hurting her really bad. You know what I mean? And who wants to? Do you know what?

I do that. You know, I wonder if women ever feel that way about guys. Like, if there's anything, like. There's like, you know what? You just can't say that to a guy because that will hurt them too much.

Do they ever think shit like that? I think shit like that with women, there's just certain things you just. You just don't fucking say, like, what is it? All I'm gonna do is hurt her and ruin her for the next person when she fucking eventually comes to her senses and dumps me. And then you'll be like, you know what this guy said to me one time we were going into wendy's and I ordered a double cheeseburger, and he interrupted.

He said, no, no, no, she wants the single, you know, being that guy.

No, I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. I can't tell you this, though. I feel like when you are, you know, aside from just owning it to yourself to try to stay in shape when you're in a relationship with someone, to just fucking let yourself go and just become a fat fuck and, you know, to just not have the consideration that somebody is sort of obligated to have sex with you, to just try and remotely keep yourself looking halfway decent. It's really a selfish fucking thing, you know?

But we live in the age of, a lot of times, the victim is. Is the. Is not. Is. Is considered, like, the antagonizer.

You know what I mean? I would never do that to me. I would never just fucking put on a hundred fucking pounds. Just come waddling into the fucking bedroom, you know, roll over on top of her and she would be completely grossed out. And every woman listening to this probably just went, yeah, picture that.

Me 100 pounds heavier, naked, sweating on my upper lip, crawling into fucking bed. Yeah, exactly. Isn't that disgusting? Well, that. That's a two way street, sweetheart.

You know, we don't want to see you come fucking waddling into the room, you know, your hips taking out the fucking door jam. You know what I mean? It's just. It's not, uh. It's not fair to either person.

You know, when you really look at it, nobody understands that more than gay guys. I would say that gay guys have the most respect for the fact that someone's gonna hook up with them. You know what I mean? I wonder if they're pound for pound in the best fucking shape than anybody else? Or is it because they're trying to attract guys and they know guys are.

I can't even say that shallow because they always say that guys are shallow when it comes to that. We are, but, like, you've fucking hold up something shiny. A woman's like, I want that. You know, they're just as bad, right? Oh, Christ, I'm all over the map.

All right. On trial for a joke. All right, Bill, did you hear about the entertainer who might get prosecuted for his poem that trashed a head of state? What country? They're calling him a comic, but I think maybe Europe's version of a comic, not the traditional stand up.

Well, it depends on where you go in Europe. Europe is a, you know, it's not the biggest continent, but that's a. It's a long fucking trip from Paris over to Moscow. I think Moscow is technically still in Europe, isn't. I know, the west coast of Russia is.

You start getting into eastern Europe, dude. You know, I mean, they still have vampires out there, so you can only imagine how that would affect the art of stand up comedy. I don't know what I'm talking about. All right. And Angela Merkel gave the go ahead to the turkish prime minister to make an inquiry, which basically means put on trial.

All because of a stupid poem. Thoughts? I hate when people do that. Thoughts? Hmm.

Talk about that. Yeah. There's a bunch of countries that are just getting their first taste of stand up comedy, and they are going through their Lenny Bruce years, which is what happens. That happened to Lenny Bruce. He was put on trial.

He was arrested for obscenity and all of that type of stuff, this is what happens. And once the government realizes that it's just jokes and that a stand up comic doing an hour of jokes is not going to cause a revolution, and that they can relax and continue to fuck over their own countrymen and sleep well at night doing it, then they usually ease up on it and people are allowed to, you know, do stand up comedy. Like, what's funny now is what's happening is there's this new, you know, sort of, I don't know what you would call it, Lenny Bruce time, but it's just more through people in the crowd, though. But it's not the government anymore, so it's really no big deal. It's just, you know, people with agendas and websites and shit like that, you know, clickbait.

Clickbait people. Right? All right. Boyfriend wants to have sex with other girls. I wonder if there's a way to basically support that person.

Angela Merkel. Can I help pay for the lawyer kick in? You know, all the comics around the world take. Can throw $20 at it and they can tie it up in the turkish courts. Can that happen?

I don't fucking know. Oh, you know, I'm going to look that up. I'm glad you brought that to my attention. I know that there was some, somebody up in Canada, the same thing happened. And it's one of those things where it's like you want to talk about it, but you also don't want to feed that fucking beast and give it all types of notoriety.

But then you're also going, well, that's a fellow comic going through that shit. There's got to be a way in, a stealth way to hopefully put that fire up. You know, when I was in India, the podcast I did, the guys over there, they were going through some shit because they had a ro. They did a roast and everything was fine. Everybody laughed.

And then they put it up on YouTube and, you know, there's like 40 million different religions there and somebody complained and, you know, they were in a, definitely a. What's the word I should use? They were in a. They were in a situation over there when I, you know, which is hilarious, then I'm fucking walking down the street with them, like, am I going to get fucking arrested because I'm with you guys? You know what's fucked up?

I only spent 24 hours in India and I already miss it. I really want to go back. I had such a good time in the 24 hours, despite the fact I had to get a piece of paper to leave, which was really fucking creepy. But it was weird, man. I didn't know what I thought I was going to think when I went there, but I felt an odd connection when I went there, which is one of the coolest things.

When you travel, every place you go to is going to be great. When you actually go to a place like, why is this fucking place feeling like. Like feeling like. Like a home? Like, I relate to these people more so than a lot of countries I've been to.

I was over there going like, that guy reminds me of rich Voss. Maybe because I hung up with a bunch of comics. I have no idea. Anyways, boyfriend wants to have sex with other girls. Hi, Bill.

Hi, Bill. My boyfriend and I have been together for over two years recently. We had broken up for a little less than a month, but we started talking again. We broke up because although he loves me and wants to be with me, sorry, I'm Yarnick he still wants to have sex with other girls. Our sex life isn't a problem because we fuck on a daily basis most of the twice a day she was supposed to write time.

She was supposed to write time most of the time twice a day. And he always says I'm the best he will ever will have. He also believes that there is a very slim possibility that there might be something better for him and that he wants to experience other people before possibly spending the rest of his life with me. Hes 25 years old so he is pretty scared about staying with one person for the rest of his life. We are both not ready for marriage or that type of relationship, but I feel that ending a two and a half year relationship over his urges isnt the right thing.

Especially since he still loves me and wants to be with me. Hes pretty unhappy but he knows that being with other people wont help because he will feel the exact same way as he does now. He tells me that I am amazing and beautiful and he wants to have a perfect relationship. So I don't understand why he wants to leave that for something that is most likely going to be shittier. I can't go through another breakup with him because it was horrible.

While we were broken up he did have sex with one girl and talked to multiple girls, but he didn't feel any better and he was still unhappy without me. Please help. I don't know what to do and maybe this can help him as well. Thanks a bunch. Well first of all, I'm not a fucking relationship expert, but first of all, I got to give him kudos for just being honest, saying that this is what I want to do.

Well I'll talk to you because he didn't write in. So I would just say that unfortunately this is where he is at 25 and you're not. So if he wants to fucking go out and do whatever the fuck he wants to do, you know, let him. And then I think you should get on with your life. But I don't think it's healthy for you to have him can keep calling you during this time when he's out there fucking other people but still fucking with your emotions.

So I think you let him go and let him go do whatever the fuck he wants to do and. But there's you don't have any contact with him. That might be a guy thing where you need some sort of closure or some shit and gradually talk and then talk less and less and less. I don't know. I'm a fucking psycho.

When it comes to that shit. So that's what I would do. I would say at this point what he's doing is he's trying to do what's right for him, so you have to do what's right for you.

He's putting himself first and his wants first, so you should do the same thing. And there's nothing wrong with what he's doing. He could have fucking lied and said that he didn't have urges and then gone and fucked around and, you know, I don't, no matter what, he was going to end up hurting you. But he did it. He did it.

He did it the right way. He told you he broke up with you and yeah, he's got to go figure some shit out, but I don't think he needs to be calling you up and talking to you after a month and getting your heart going again and giving you hope and then. But I don't know what I want to do. But I still love you. But yeah, go fuck yourself with your wishy washy shit, all right?

You know, you're beautiful, you're young, you got your whole life ahead of you. You know, fuck em. Just fucking, I don't know, why don't you have a little, you time over the next two to three months, see where you're at, make a little list, figure out what you want out of life. You know, who knows? Who knows?

Maybe he'll come back to you, be like, you know what, it sucked and you want to take him back, maybe you won't, but I think you need to focus on yourself and not him. That's, that's what I would do. Because you didn't pull the trigger, he did. So there's no guilt on your end. But it's a shitty thing to do, to do that to somebody and then come back like a month later and drag you through that hell all over again, but then not get back with you and make some sort of a commitment to just go back and be like, oh, you know, I hooked up with one person, but I still miss you, you know, because then you're gonna.

Be like, yeah, so what does that mean? Does that mean he loves me and you gotta sit there playing that mental tennis? Fuck all that. Fuck all that right there, wishy washy. We'll see you just tell them what you need.

You need. Yeah, 100% commitment. That's it. You're either in it or you're out of it. I respect you, the fact that you're honest, but, you know, I know I don't need you fucking hemming and hawing every fucking four weeks, dragging me back down to that emotional pit.

I'm done. Get on with your life. That's what I would do, you know? Ah, this fucking jackass. And then the second you're getting on with your life, he won't want to lose you.

Then he'll come back, and just so he won't lose, he's one of those fucking guys. That's what I'm thinking.

Yeah, I would get on with your life. That's what I would do. I hope that's good advice. I have no idea. All right, that's the podcast for this week.

Thank you guys for listening, and thank you to everybody from the bottom of my hat who watched the first season of f is for family. We're really going to try to outdo what we did in the first season and try to make them as funny as possible. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 4-18-24

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