Thursday Afternoon Monday 5-16-24

It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast and just checking in on you. How are you? You know, usually when I videotape, it means I have a special guest, but not this time. I just. I just wanted to look into your eyes and ask you how it was going because I'm an empath.

Now we have a very special guest. One of my favorite people in this business who I can't read is writing what so fucking ever. Here, what does that first one say? Joe Bartnik, everybody. Thank you, everybody.

I'll be in Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania, May 23. May 22. Mechanicsburg, Pennsylvania, May 22 let's get your dates out of the way. This man is tearing it up out there. May 23.

Pittsburgh improv. June 15 at is that link more or almost famous? Almost famous. Wine in Livermore, California. Livermore, then.

28 29, Foxboro. Comedy scene. Massachusetts, can't wait. Wow. July 26 7th in Lubbock, Texas.

Yes. Home of the Red Raiders. I believe so. Texas Tech. Yeah, Texas Tech.

July 28. Dallas Comedy Club. Go out and check him out. The one and only, the Rose bowl tailgate legend, the enforcer on those pickwick bull fucking late night pickup hockey games. The one and only, the.

Thank you. The fifth liner. Thank you. Joe Bardick. I stepped over my name.

Not good. Yeah, you used to settle things down out there on the ice when people get a little too chippy and say. Hey, let's all go for a pop. Yeah, we used to call you the shark was out there patrolling. Anyways, what's going on, man?

I love all these dates that you're getting out here off of your stand up special where you crushed it in Chicago. Yeah, we're having fun. The dates have been awesome. It's always just. I just love doing the road.

I really do. Other than. I mean, it's funny because Boise was a little rough. Hey, I'll tell you what's a little rough, okay? I hadn't stayed in a hotel where they worried if I was gonna steal the hangers in a while.

Oh, it's one of those. Well, I picked it, cuz it was like, you know, swimming pool, hot tub. I can use a hot tub. You know, I need a swimming pool and courtesy van of the airport. I'm like, I'm all in.

Then I get there. Yikes. Terrible customer service. I won't get into it. No, get into it.

What happened? The guy wouldn't let me check. What hotel doesn't let you check in early? I thought a lot of them were cunts about that. No, I mean, I don't know.

I always just cavork them. Everyone's always cool. Like, who cares, you know? Oh, they'll let you check in and we'll let you know when the room's ready. Yes.

Oh, they wouldn't do that. They would not let me do that. Well, you come at 03:00 so I went, had a pizza and a beer. I didn't really care. But then the guy caused a problem with three other different customers I went to check out.

I wanted to get my receipt. I hate. Cause always in Vegas, you come home from Vegas, like, I didn't spend $400. Remember Kenny finally tried to charge me a grand one time? Anyway, I was waiting.

Yeah, we were playing Vegas and there was this weird charge and he was asking me, did you and Joe order something? And I said, no. And then they try to make it look like you ordered a grand worth of booze just to see if you were paying attention. Yeah. And the thing is, is like, you know, I could have.

It was close enough, like. Cause I did have about an hour and a half there that I couldn't really place. But I'm like, I would have remembered if I ordered all this booze. Yeah. Yeah.

It seemed excessive, even for me, you know? Ah, the truth's starting to come out. No, but I didn't that time. I'm not a liar. I'm a lot of things.

I'm not a liar. But anyway, as I was waiting to get my receipt, two different other families had arguments with this front desk clerk. And then a lady ran in from the parking lot and tried to fight everybody like it was Jerry Springer. Why? Cause this guy was such a jerk.

And I'll get to the point, too, and it was even funnier was he was in a wheelchair. So I knew God just didn't make things good for him. So he took it out on everybody. I actually went out. I was nice to him.

I actually went outside and I apologized to one of the old ladies he was screaming at. Cause I'm like, you know, he was that way with me, too. Don't take it personally. He was ruining people. He was yelling at old ladies.

He yelled at a veteran and said, just because you serve this country, don't think you're special. I couldn't write this. That's when you gotta be like, all right, numb nuts, I'm gonna go walk to my car. You fucking cunt. That's the thing, was I was then.

I think at that point, paralysis is on the table. Am I nuts? Yeah. Well, I was just like, I'm not gonna go. I just don't wanna say that just because I'm.

Well, can you imagine being such a. Dick that even God was like, I'm gonna let you not walk. Det. You're like, you know what? I'm gonna make fun of the fact you're in a wheelchair, which is something I would never do.

But now I'm like, all right, yeah. I was literally like, yeah, I want to say something, but I mean, you know what? I'm just gonna. It's just bad. I didn't want to put that into the universe.

Bald, too? No, cuz that would have been funny. God didn't. He was sitting in a wheelchair and you were able to stay in the pocket. Let me tell you something, you bald motherfucker.

And you just talked about him being bald as he sat there rather than going for the easy, low hanging fruit. I wanted to do the. I wanted to do what David Povo, you know, Richie said on sopranos, like, you don't let me go in that room, I'll put your arms where your legs are. I don't even know what that means. And that's scary.

When he was. He was crippled, remember, he ran beansy over. He goes, you go crying to Tony Soprano one more time, I'm gonna put your arms where your legs are. Cause he couldn't move him. Oh, he's gonna make him paralyzed for the next.

Yeah, I didn't do a good David. No, you did. No, it was definitely scary. But here's the whisper. It's the whisper.

Here's the funny thing was, this is how convoluted the Internet is. I've never. Only one time have I ever written a bad review ever in my life or given a one star on Uber. Cause I just think, ah, why put that out? There was when this big lesbian almost got me into a fistfight in San Francisco as my Uber driver.

She started to fight with a guy, and I'm like, I'm not getting out to protect you. What happened? She almost ran into this guy and they hopped out. They were gonna fight. Oh, man, that's amazing.

And I was in the backseat, and I'm just like, I'm not in this. Yeah, no, no, you're just. But I gave her one star, and that's the only time I've ever, once ever put anything negative on anybody on the Internet, like a review or anything. Was that her effort in the fight or just the experience? She was terrible the whole time.

She was, like, angry the whole time. And I'm just like, what is this broads problem? And then she literally right, right in front of the saloon on Grant street, hopped out, wanted to go with this guy. But book, she's a gamer. You got to like, come playoff season, you got to like that.

You got to bring her up from the minor league system. It was a softball playoff. She was getting ready. She had to go catch it. Go catch a doubleheader.

So booking.com, though, I did not swear. All I said was how the customer service thing was awful and this and that, and it wasn't just me. I took the high road. They had a problem with three different people, and you should terminate the guy behind the counter. He's in a wheelchair.

And booking.com sent me a thing that said, it's mean and we will not post this. You can change it. So I took out guy in wheelchair, and they still did not post it. So what is it having a rating system if I can't say the place was a shithole. Airport boys.

Why is it mean to say someone's in a wheelchair that is in the wheelchair? You didn't say, I'm happy he's in the wheelchair. You didn't say that. Paralyzed. Fuck.

You didn't say that. No, you just said he was. He's in a wheelchair. I don't know. But anyway, this is the corporate lawyers.

I'm sure they wheeled him out the back. You know, he's funny. He was probably such a key pry. Thought being in the wheelchair was a way for him to be a dick. Maybe he could walk.

You just using that as a frame? I mean, at this point, I mean. A lot of home, some homeless people fake the wheelchair. Yeah. You ever see the ones that are just sort of walking it like this?

Their legs are going, and you just like, so is your waist paralyzed? Like, what's going. Everything else lazy? Yeah, what is going on? You can always tell how bad a neighborhood is by how many handicapped people are begging for change there.

Like, if it's all handicapped people's a bad neighborhood. I remember a long time ago, I was working with somebody on my website, and he had a wheelchair, and he was totally fine, but he used it because, you know, you like those guys in bands that have the keyboards all over the place. He just had computer keyboards. So he would just wheel himself over, and I was like, oh, you know, in the office. He didn't take it on the street.

No, he didn't take it on the street, but he just had it in his office so he could, like, wheel himself around, and it just seemed a lot more trouble than it was worth. Was he fat? Well, it's also, like, they make chairs with wheels on them. Like office chairs. Yeah.

I was gonna say, like, every office chair you could spin around, it was. Sort of at the first. Toward the end of the first wave of the height of hipsterdom in, like, Brooklyn and in Silver Lake and all of that, when it was just like, do you remember when, like, hipsters were, like, dressing, like, defunct jobs, like blacksmiths and, you know, they, like, stay there, these mustaches, like, they would ride in that tricycle with the giant fucking front. Oh, yeah. Or, like, guys have never worked a day in their life wearing Carhartt and flannel shirts.

Bill Burr
Yeah, yeah. You're the worker shirt with the guy's name on it. I just knew a bit about that going. I wish the fucking guy that that was his shirt comes up to you some days. Like, what is my.

Like, what my job and my life is is ironic to you? Yeah, but that is extra. That's why I think for the wheelchair, I'm not gonna use an office chair. I'm gonna use a wheelchair. That's extra.

Yeah, it was. That's why it always blows my mind of, like, that whole crowd, like, how much they flipped out about Pabst Blue ribbon. It's like, this is fucking piss beer. And. But.

But I felt like, yes, it is piss. Oh, my God. It is fucking. It's great. But it's not awful.

Ugh. To me, you know what? It was, and maybe it's not as bad. It was the people that were drinking it acting like they had these blue collar backgrounds and that they were gonna have a boilermaker or some shit. And it was just like.

Like, you guys. You're all fucking artists. Like, all you assholes, we're telling jokes. Why are you drinking that beer like, you work for a living and you live and die by the local sports team? It just bugged me.

Well, there is a good reason to drink that beer. It is cheaper. That's a good reason. If they're artists, they probably don't make that much money. But I'll tell you, I would almost always rather have the cheapo american b rate beer than any expensive anything that has hazy in it.

Get the fuck away from me. Hazy. I don't even know what that is. Yeah, the hazy is hazy. Or just.

Yeah, if there's anything. If you have to list the flavors and it isn't beer. Give me a fucking Miller light. A Miller high life. No, Miller life is delicious.

High life. It's the champagne. There's something about that bottle. Like, you feel like you're only drinking like, six 8oz. It doesn't feel like twelve.

And then all of a sudden you had twelve, you know, and you're like, what happened? And you lose your ticket on the way to the rose wall, right? You fall on an old lady trying to get to your fucking seat. Miller High life, though, is. Yeah.

I passed a kidney scone. A kidney. I just remember the first time, I just remembered, like, I was with, like, I was somewhere in Denver and everybody had these big bushy beards like they were mountain men. And then, you know, so I was. You know, I did my set at the comedy works and we all went down and they were all freaking out that they had PBR on tap.

I'm like, it's a fucking terrible beer. Like, what are we doing? Then they were all just kind of sitting around and I go, I feel like I'm in, like, a town club. Like, these people that are trying to act like they work for the town, they drive a truck and this shit. It's like, you don't.

You don't. You're like, they might not, but. No, no, they didn't, Joe. Okay. They didn't.

All right? Like, I don't know why your side. This is really bugging me. I went with you with the fucking wheelchair guy. You can't go with me with some hipster fucking.

No. Okay, they know. But I went Kenny Rogers beard, and. He'S not even singing country songs. But I.

But I will go on the side of Biden and having a cheaper, thinner, skinnier, easier to digest american beer that. Oh, no, no. That'll always be that. That's what I'm defending. I was.

I'm defending. I was a Budweiser guy. I liked. Never liked Bud light. I liked Miller high.

Bill Burr
Life. Didn't like light beer, Micheloblite. But that's. That's the. That's the first one I ever.

I ever got drunk on. And you could still get him in. New Orleans was the only place that had him. And me and Versi drove out to fucking Death Valley to see LSU versus Alabama. And we got a twelve pack of Michelob light.

And then we. And then we got some harder shit. Oh, my God. That was so stupid. We got so fucked up.

So fucked up. I remember this guy lighting a match, and I was trying to light my cigar and I was, like, too far away from it. He kept walking towards me, and I was walking back and he was just looking at me and I was swaying. I'm so glad those days have passed me behind me. You know what's so funny about Bud light?

And I've drink in millions of bud lights and they're okay, but you drink Bud light. I drink a bud light for a long time. And then one time they're out of Bud light and they go, oh, we got Budweiser. I'll have one. I never went back to a Bud light.

I'll take those extra 30 calories. It's like. But. But you know what? I'm not gonna say.

I'll have a butt heavy. Give me a break. A bud heavy. Give me a Budweiser with all the fucking horses. The ponies.

That's the Budweiser. I went, give me a bud. Who says that's more offensive than pretending you're a lover, Jack? That's more offensive than pretending you're a. Ponies are the ones dragging the bud light into town.

The Clydesdales, bringing the fucking Budweisers. Ponies are what's in the cadillac. Like the one we were driving today. I love the ponies. All the ponies.

Yeah. The only light. No miller high life. I like. I never liked the light.

Coors light. There was a summer. I had a Coors light summer in the eighties, but didn't we all? Coors, like, had a coors, like, playing volleyball. The silver bullet.

Yes. Shirtless. Shirtless with my coochie cutters on. Right. We're not gay for each other.

Yeah, I would have, Billy. Yeah. The only thing that saved me from a gay experience on the beach was my pastiness. Other than that, I would have been all in. You were wearing jeans.

Yeah, I was. Jeans. Jeans and a buttman hoodie. I still have my buttman hoodie. I have some camel cash gear.

Oh, you do? Of course I got. What do I have left from the eighties? I have an Andrew dice Clay tanked sweatshirt, a tank top. I saw him in 88 or 89.

I have a Stevie Ray Vaughan tank top. I saw him on the instep tour a year before he died. And then I have a Bud man, a Bud man sweatshirt. And I have a Judas priest from the fuel for life, the turbo lover tour. That's.

That's all I have left from the. And I have a Bruins sweatshirt. I got a Bruins tank top version of the concert t shirt, though. That's a rare. Those are bootlegged out front.

You paid top dollar for those? Oh, yeah, they would. Like. There's no guy in the outside. Go ten in, ten outside.

Yeah. 20 inside. Yeah. No, I. Yeah, it's been.

That's. That's all I got left. I love that bruins hoodie, though. It's like. I just love it because, first of all, it still fits, which makes me feel good from 30 something years ago.

But I used to wear that thing when I would go into the old Boston garden or whatever, so that's like, it still kills me, man. Just where hockey was with those old barns that they have. I fucking hate these new places compared to those old ones. Dude, the igloo, man, was great. Oh, the igloo.

I mean, the rats were the advantage. Teams are scared of the rats. You think of what they would just rock. I just also. All right, hey, here we go.

Because we always do the. We always do the starting quarterbacks, okay. From the seventies. Well, this time, why don't we name NHL venues from the eighties, okay? Spectrum.

Wait, Boston Garden. Buffalo Sabres played at the odd. Odd. Yup. The mall in Hartford.

The mall in Hartford. Nassau Coliseum. Brendan Byrne arena. The garden. Wait, Brendan Byrne was what?

Jersey? Yeah, for the Devils. That wasn't continental airlines. That became that same. Yes, but in those days, it was the Brendan burn.

Then it was the spectrum. The cap center. Cap center was great. That was the original place where they. The owner tried to.

Ted Leones tried to keep the Penguins fans away from getting tickets. Cause that was always the easiest drive to go. Get penguins to go. Pensions. And then the fucking.

The igloo. The igloo. And that was as far south as you needed to go see the keel. Auditorium or the checkerboard. The Pure Purina center in St.

Louis. The keel. It was the keel in St. Louis. Oh, yeah.

You know, I didn't remember the name of that. And then Detroit. I don't remember Joe Louis, but I don't remember. The Olympia stadium was late seventies. Yeah, but Joe Lewis was like, 78, so Joe Lewis is legitimate.

We can say Joe Lewis. Yeah. This is the stadium, obviously. Chicago Stadium. Milwaukee was.

I mean, Minnesota was the. Oh, you can see it. The Met center. The Met Center. Mall of America.

The Met center. Where did the Colorado Rockies play? Oh, that. Nichols. McNichols.

McNichols arena. McNichols. The cow palace was for the forum. The forum. Northlands Coliseum.

Northlands Coliseum. Where did Vancouver play? Oh, that's gonna be the Kansas City quarterback of the. Was it the Rogers center? No.

Well, I mean, no. Nothing was. That's a pass. North. No, Northlands was.

Edmonton. Edmonton. We'll get back to that. Winnipeg. That's another tough one.

Where did they play? Now we're getting. Okay. Maple Leaf Gardens. Maple Leaf.

The forum. Obviously. The forum. And what about Quebec? Oh, they call.

See them the colise. La Colise. La Colise, that's right. So we don't. We don't know.

Oh, in the saddle dome is Calgary. Yep. Saddle dome. They still play there? Yeah, they're getting a new one in a couple years.

That sucks. I'm happy for them, but that sucks. So we're. Oh, yeah. Someone we named.

26 out of 28 or 20. Is it 29? I don't know how many. Math is not our number one topic here. Listen, we're not big readers.

Second line centers that we could do.

We can name. Yeah, we can name. I can name first line. You know, I can name nickname lines from a long time ago. Oh, yeah.

Hockey. I'm good at hockey. Booze, you know, mob movies. After that, it gets a little. The pond is a little shallow.

That's why at parties, you and I end up talking to each other. Oh, yeah. We go out, we kind of do a lap around, and then it doesn't come, and then we go like, hey, man, 1970s quarterback. You go first, idiots. Walker.

Hey, you see that? Hit last. Oh, that was the chief. You think it's a cheap shot? I don't know.

Speaking of this, this man's one of the biggest hockey fans, if not the biggest, you're ever going to meet. How about my Boston Bruins having the Panthers right where we want them? Yeah, exactly. For revenge. Revenge.

They. They beat us when they were down three games to one. Now we're down three games to one. Yeah. You can still do it.

You know, there's. You know, you just have to get some secondary scoring, as they say. You got to get some shots on net. And, dude, I have to. I.

Listen, I got all the respect in the fucking world for the Panthers, dude, they are the Terminator. They just don't fucking stop. And I don't give a fuck how many goals you're up. You cannot relax until there's no time left in the game, because if there is, they like to terminate it. Remember what?

It was just the robot, just the front half. They're going to crawl on their elbows. It's like they are so whatever the mentality of that team and those players are, that is the fucking mindset of every single team that I've ever seen, like, win the cup, is they just fucking grind you down. They never get down on themselves. They just fucking keep coming.

I hate to say it. They're just a fucking great organization that cunts. The leaders of that team were so upset when they lost in the finals last year. They said they're not going to, it's not going to happen again. And a lot of great teams, that's what happens.

They, they hate losing so much. They never want to go through that again. In Barkov and Kid Chuck are incredible leaders and they have grade a goaltending. But Bobrovski, they got six adult men that play defense. They can move the puck and they have secondary scoring.

And right below their superstars is very good scoring. And they got Sammy Bennett back, who's a bastard. And I love him. See, the one who hit Marshawn, he did. You know, I mean, that happens.

He's a bigger version of the rat. And I love the rat. You know. You know, you live by this sword, you die. The, you know, this is the business we have chosen and that's, you know, it's playoff.

How do you think. Let's. Okay. If things keep going the way that they're going, my boys will be golfing soon. So what is the Ranger series?

Two one them three. They're up three one against the Carolina Hurricane. Okay, so let's, let's go with the obvious here. All right. The Rangers play the Pam puck off is his podcast as well as two.

For talking with Josh Joey. Okay, the Rangers. What I'm liking about the Rangers, before I realized that the Panthers again are going to be a buzz saw, is I feel like the Rangers can outscore you and beat the shit out of you, which is what you need this time of year. How do they. That's going to be a fucking war.

I'll tell you. The first series the Rangers played against Washington, Washington put up no fight. And Vinnie Trocheck, the Pittsburgh kid I thought was the Rangers best player, and he is a great two way center. But I'm like, if he's their best player, they're not going to beat Carolina. They need their stars to show up.

The Stars have shown up for the Rangers against Carolina. As far as Breadman and Zabinijad and Crider, the thing is about the Panthers is the Panthers you saw with the Bruins. I just love how into this shit you are. The Panthers attack the net and they are on the net like a dog on a bone. And the Rangers have a lot of great defensemen.

And I love their defense, but their defense loves to play up ice. They love to hit and they love to knock people in corners. They love open ice checking. You know what they like to do they really don't like to defend around the net? And you know who gets really upset all the time if you mess with them?

Eager Sterkin, the hot. The young, hot goalie from the Rangers. So I think the Panthers are going to get in his kitchen and rattle him. And I think the Panthers beat the New York Rangers. I mean, how do you mess with that take?

I can't. No, but I mean, I love both team. It's such a. It's not. I want the Penguins in, obviously, but when the Penguins aren't in and the Flyers are out, I have no worries.

I can just enjoy great hockey. I have to be honest with you. That's where I am as a Patriots fan. Like, all these fucking people are coming up to me this past season and just, like, giving me shit how bad the Patriots suck, but all I hear is relief. You're not going to kick our ass anymore.

So it made me feel good about what I got to watch over the last 20 years and just them not being in the playoffs to just not. Because the thing about it is, is we went to the playoffs almost every single year. We only won it six times, so 14 times. It was just like, for the most one time, we didn't make the playoffs. Is this heartbreaking, crushing, fucking loss.

So to just get it over with after 17 games now, and I can just go in there and just watch all these people fucking, hey, Kansas City. The refs are totally on their side and all this shit, and I can just sit back and be like, Kansas City's in the Super bowl getting a point and a half. I'll fucking put some money on that. You won six. You won six.

It's easy to not go to the buffet. You've already won six. I don't. Yeah, I don't give a fuck. I don't understand.

I don't really understand what other NFL fans are hoping to accomplish by giving me shit. It's just like, hey, man, you know, I hope you guys go on a run like that. I am. Like, I'm in my golden years as a. It's never going to be better than that.

I knew it as it was happening. I'm enjoying watching the fucking Red Sox right now. We got the best starting pitching in the american league. We suck at running bases. We make a ton of errors.

So it's fucking hilarious. Like, our starters are getting us there and then the bullpen or somebody with somebody base running bonehead error. But we're starting to play better defense. I like suffering through a bad fucking team. I mean, just with me and the Penguins, like, dude, I got this fucking.

Pain in my side. I don't know what's going on. My fucking back is I have five rings. Someone said if the aliens from. If you left, if you fell asleep in 1990 and woke up right now, what would.

How would the world change? How would you ever believe the Penguins have five Stanley Cups? Who would ever believe that in 19, we were the LA Clippers. We got I can die and five rings. I was a little kid.

The Pirates, when the Steelers have been great. It's like, I'm good. I just. No, but you got to be able to. And this is the thing, people don't want you to be good.

It's the same thing in this business. For the longest time, I got this advice as a comedian going, don't get too happy. Don't be getting happy. All your fucking act is going to dry up. It was the biggest bullshit ever.

If you get happy, you have a whole new look at the world. You're still looking at shit in a funny way. You're just not doing this fucking morose thing. Yeah. Who wants to be a fucking angry cunt their whole life?

I mean, I'm doing a pretty good. Job, but I heard it pays good, huh? I am. I am way less angry. Oh, you way or you're way less angry?

Thank you. Your way. It's almost not as fun. Do you know what's funny? You know, it's funny.

I don't mean on the show, I mean, like, just when, you know. Yeah, you know, what are you gonna fucking do? I don't give a shit. You know, the other day I was coming back from this. Go ahead, you can let it out.

I was coming back from some social event, and we had brought a cake there, and those cake things are tricky. You take it from the side, the bottom falls out. I go to take it out of the thing. It's this fucking Oreo cheesecake thing with the Oreo crust. Dude just hits the counter and right down on the floor.

And I was just like, jesus Christ, I'm cleaning this stuff or anything. And then my wife comes walking in, she sees it and she goes, oh, no. I go, yeah, I got a fucking false bottom. It fell out. I always saved most of it.

She goes, wow. She goes, I'm impressed. She goes. She goes, the old, you would have flipped out. And I just go, and the hits keep coming.

She goes, no, well, you know, you would have lied. I go, hey, you know, you got your shortcomings. Do I got to bring it up every time, you know, that's why my wife's cool. She goes, all right. You're right.

I didn't need to bring that up. I'm sorry. I just said thank you. She's the best. Yeah, she's the best.

You know what I mean? She. She gets it. But I understand why she said it. But also, you know, you know, you've made this point.

I mean, how many times are we going to make this fucking point again? Picking battles is the biggest thing to do in a relationship and marriage. No, no, just setting the tone. You got a cross checker. Well, yeah, no, no, obviously, that goes without saying.

They sue the puck, drop her, know. That she's in a fight, let her know this is a game. I just think. Yeah, I just agree. I just agree.

Okay. Oh, no. Yeah, but then. Because that gives you credibility. So then when you actually go like, I don't want to do that shit, please.

I don't. Just can't. You. You do it. You do it.

This is some you shit, you. Yeah, I think I. I would never. Drag you to some me shit. Oh, well.

But my wife knows better than to drag me places. Cause she just knows. She fucking knows better. Like, why take me somewhere where you're just gonna hear me incessantly bitch about it the whole time? Joe rolls up a newspaper.

This works on broads, too. Oh, I'd never hit a dog. No, no. I've never hit a dog or a woman. That's just not the way.

Oh, no. Some asshole in a wheelchair, he runs his yap or nothing. I catch him, give him a push. Is that traffic? No.

You should've just let the air out of one of his tires.

I just. I mean, I really kind of felt. Okay, well, God, standing behind him going. You brought this on yourself. Even if you don't like me, how you treat these old people, the way he was treating them was like, I don't know.

Look, just because you're in a wheelchair doesn't mean you can't be a narcissistic cunt. I think he was just enjoying the whole. The whole spectacle of it and just having, like, that power. I had a fucking landlord like that. All right, everybody, it's game time.

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I knew it was him.

What? Yeah, I was on the road for, like, three weeks, and I came back and I came to my apartment. I just felt something was off. And all of a sudden I was missing some CDs. This is how long ago it was.

I was missing a camera. Just sort of cherry picked around the thing. And there was a notice on my door saying, like, we have to go into your apartment to check the smoke detectors. And, you know, I was on the road for three weeks. So, like, the water in the toilet totally dried up.

So they just picked through and took whatever they wanted. So I went downstairs to say, hey, man, one of your guys broke in, and then he fucking basically told on himself. He goes, I don't. He goes, first. His first thing was, oh, my God, I'm sorry.

He goes, I don't appreciate you coming down here, kids. And daddy, it's like, dude, you might as well just admitted that you're in on it, you know? So then you're playing my Zeppelin bootleg, by the way. Yeah. So then my.

Yeah. Oh, and I can tell you're a rap fan. Cause you left all the rock shit behind and you fucking took all the biggie, right? So my girlfriend at the time was like, going like, you should go fuck up his car. And I was just like, it's like, that's a bitch move if I'm not gonna fight this guy.

And I just sat there trying to think, how can I get this guy back and not go to jail or get sued myself? And there really was no solution because I called the cops and they're like, well, unless you caught him in the act. But, Bob, we can dust for fingerprints. And what he said to me, he goes, I have all the power. He literally said that in thing.

And, dude, like, like, you think I was. Oh, my God. The anger that I had towards this guy. And then I just had to go, like, all right, I know where I'm going in my career. This guy manages this bill, and he was a miserable motherfucker.

So I had to be like, all right. This miserable fuck took his life out on me. Now I can get dragged into his life, or I can just fucking walk away from this shit. I'm not gonna go do some petty chick shit and go fucking, you know, scratch up his car or anything. That is the.

And I'm also not gonna fight the guy because he's my. He was a little bit bigger than I was. So then it's like, you're gonna break my apartment and I'm gonna lose a fight. Now I've doubled down. Never fight someone who has nothing to lose.

Well, you know what I did is I just sort of stood there. And when the next people came into rent, I told them what the situation is, and I said, blah, blah, blah. And then I turned around, I said, listen, I go, I'm a comedian. I'm gonna put a line and I'm gonna be there fucking every day, ruining your life. So go fuck yourself, is what I said.

And in my head, I knew it was bullshit. I had to go on the road the next day. So what I did was I just found another apartment. I took it as a loss. You know, you walk away.

You walk away like some. You just gotta, like, walk away. Yeah. And like, the earlier you figure that out in life, that some fights aren't worth fighting, it's so much easier on your stress level. You can just like, hey, you know, to just keep the life is.

My life is good. Why am I going to bring this stress into it? Yes, to alleviate the level of stress. As many as you can. That's why I'm like, I'm gonna get upset with this guy.

I actually go have a pizza. I could yell at this guy for an hour, but it's like, what's that gonna do? Yeah. And what did he do? He took a camera.

He took some fucking pizza. The only thing that sucks was one of the. Was it was the camera had old soldier field with the facade behind me before they dropped that bull in there. So that. And then I also had gone to Lambo for a preseason game.

Brett Favre still there. They were playing the browns, I think, the first version of the Browns. It was a long time ago. It was one of those, actually a camera. Camera.

So it was in there. And he had the camera. He had the. Because the film was still in it. But he hid the camera.

Wasn't your camera wasn't sitting. No, no, I didn't see any of this stolen shit, but just the way he came at me. But I gotta be honest, telling you that story and knowing I did nothing about it, which is, yo, it's the bitch move. I would have done this and I would have done that, and it's just like, all these years later, where I'm at. Where the fuck is he at?

It was like. It was the move. Yeah, it was the move. He stole CDs. Who wants a CD anymore?

Nobody. He's got a camera. I got a camera, my phone, and I could have gone to jail for assault. I could have lost the fight. He could have hit me.

I could have fell down some stairs, like, something really bad could happen over stuff, you know? So now it's always better to take the high road. I'm always like, if you're in a fight after school and no one's attacking your wife or your kid or your dog, you're a moron. I mean, I can be honest with you. That is a great setup for a good chunk of material.

I need some new stuff. You might want to keep that one. I left when I went Friedel. Yeah. After Sol, Joel's friends, fans.

Like, that's a bet. Your new hours, killing it. I'm like, I'm so happy. I'm so happy. I'm going on vacation.

First time in 24 years I land back home from Italy. I'm like, I don't have an act. No, you'll get it back. No, you'll get it back, though. No, but this is, again, I gotta be honest with you, dude.

Watching you going out there and headlining these shows and crushing it, like, I knew that you would. And this is also the perfect time for you to be out there on the road where all of this, nobody gives a shit about these unfunny people talking about what comedians should be talking about. That has come and gone to the point. A lot of the people that were doing it are acting. All that never happened.

It's like, yeah, it did. You guys somehow made stand up comedy not fun. Congratulations. That's what the fuck you did. But I never felt that.

I never. I never felt in this, I could be out of line, but I'll say this. I would be like, oh, it's always media people or citizens or non civilians would be like, what's it like doing comedy? And I go, I literally have never felt the pressure to not say or say anything. To me, there's only two barriers of comedy, where they worry about what you say at the open mic level, where, like, some transgender filipino lady runs the organic coffee shop where the open mic is, she wears what you say.

Once you pass that lady. Then there's the bar shows. You think the improv gives a shit what I say? You think? Anyway, any comedy club anywhere gives a shit where anybody says, no.

I would say, okay, then there's no, I want that as a ringtone, but, okay, theaters. No one cares what people say. Theaters, right? Okay. But then there's the band of, like, the big shots that work for, like, ABC and BC have a sitcom.

They gotta watch what they say right way here, right, right. If I line, just stop me. But then above that is, like, you and you and, you know, Dave Chappelle and Rogan. You think Jeff Will's live nation gives a shit what you say. You're filling arenas, nobody cares.

So it's like there's just these two little bands. Other than that, we can say whatever. The fuck we want. That was funny. As long as it's funny.

It was almost. What it was. What it was was if you had enough followers and it was like a, it wasn't worth getting offended by somebody that wasn't gonna get you any traction. So what it was is you actually were selling arenas and stuff like that. Like, you know, all of those stupid things.

Like fucking Dane did a joke down at the laugh factory and there was all of that bullshit and he has to, like, issue an apology on Twitter, all of that fucking stuff. And if you notice, over and over and over again, it was the laugh factory, it was the fucking, it was the comedy seller. It was like those two fucking towns but everywhere else, you know, but also, you know, I do that thing, what, you put the fucking, you know, the phones in the bags because these cunts would, like, film you and then take the most fucked up thing you said because they were trying to get followers and then they'd go, CNN, Fox News, they would cut off the beginning of this shit and then they put it out there. And then the douches in fucking New York and. LAUGHTER and then like, you know, that Huffington Post, those cunts did a couple of things to me, like, you know, I make a joke or whatever and they're trying to like, get that fucking thing going.

So, I mean, that was my experience. Or like, somebody got like, like would get, like, canceled and you had the same agent or manager and they'd be like, well, we'll show and show. Get rid of their fucking. They would start doing that and they would always do it in like a question thing. It was a really cowardly fucking time.

And, you know, as somebody who is a liberal, watching liberals doing that, creating this red scare sort of vibe with people, it took me until I did Dave Chappelle's thing during the pandemic where there was from my first experience with the phones in the bags and shit that I was thinking. Cause I would literally be on stage, like in New York and LA specifically, and I would say something and I would start thinking like, oh, fuck, if someone just takes that and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Like they've been doing, like, am I gonna be in trouble? And I didn't realize that that was like, in my head for like a three year period.

And now it's funny to me that people go, oh, that never happened. It's like, yeah, it 100% did. It did. No, I love the fact you do the bags because I think it just makes the show better, because I think people are just so into the show, they're not distracted. It does.

It makes the whole thing. The whole thing is a better thing. I went to something recently, and people had their phones out, and it's like, not only do you got somebody taller than you, they're then doing this. And then what kills me is there's a sea of that in front of him. It's like, whatever clip you want to watch from this, they got it covered.

And I just love, like, it's the same fucking angle. It's like, you know when you shoot a movie, you got the master, and then we're going to come in like this, and we're going like this. You got 4000 people in front of you shooting the master. You got this. This is going to be.

They're shooting the song. Like, you could be sitting here letting this camera crew work for you, but instead you have to have it on your phone so you can post it on your page to show everybody how great your fucking life is. I mean, I don't know, maybe. Maybe that I'm just an old guy, but I don't understand that. Like, I fucking, you know, I've been guilty.

I've been at sporting events, and I have to, like, shut my phone off. Or, like, I literally, like, I start thinking about the game in stats. Oh, who was the guy was the fullback for them last year. And then I'm fucking googling this shit. And then I'm getting upset because too many people are on the fucking wifi.

I was like, what am I doing? I'm at a pro football game or a basketball game. I should be. I should be here right now enjoying this. And I'm still thinking of, like, that.

That Internet shit. Yeah. Being in the moment is huge. That's what I really enjoyed at the Hollywood bowl, watching you and Dean, because it was like they were all away. And it.

The Hollywood Bull is like the epicenter of people talking during a show. I mean, I've been to probably 15 concerts there, other than when I was too close for BBK, too close for Tom Petty. It was too loud. You couldn't talk. Or was BB king.

And that's like church. Every other time. Everyone just talks to. It's like, watch the fucking show. Yeah.

Why did you come here? Yeah, it's like you're. I just want to listen to Tom Petty. Why are you talking? But for you, at least no one could.

They were all. It was literally when you would stop talking, it was, like, amazing. It was horrible. Quiet. It was, like, amazing.

It was quiet in there because people talk through anything. I mean, literally. And it's happened everywhere, you know? I learned how to bridge school benefit. Tony Bennett is singing I left my heart in San Francisco.

There's some broad behind me. I go, that's what I'll remember about San Francisco, living up there in San Francisco. Some broad talking through Tony Bennett. Yeah, well, this thing, you can't help people like that. I will tell you, those.

Those things bringing the crowd up and down, I learned. I used to study guys that could do that, and the only way to learn how to do that is to do it. And it's a fucking wild thing, because when you first start, it's like dead silence is bombing. But to actually get the dead silence where they're listening, and you can actually go and make it uncomfortable for a little bit and then keep going. I used to watch all of these guys that I saw do it.

Kinison was great at it. Kinison would fucking go down like that and just come flying back like that. So I'm so psyched that on some way, I've learned how to do that a little bit. Oh, David Fellman. Never him.

Oh, my God. He's the original of the. My wife picked Tom Selleck, and I picked the babysitter. Like, that's. You know how a million people have that joke now?

He's the first one I ever saw have that joke. I remember he had a whole hour one time, and he was talking about electing him as leader for everybody, and he just kept going. And as your fuhrer and his, like, that guy to this day, I still think had some of the greatest. I still remember there's certain stand up sets. I saw him at the original comedy connection on Warrenton street, right up Charles Street Playhouse.

I saw that guy do a headlining set there. Maybe a year into my career, two years, like 30 years ago that I never forgot, I was just like, this fucking guy. And you know what was cool was they had, like, the comics that open for him. It wasn't these hard drinking Boston guys. It was part of the catch a rising star had closed.

But these guys, God, I'm blanking on their names. But these were, like, the level of comics that started the alt scene, when the alt scene was great in the beginning, where it was like these fucking really smart club comics that wanted to stretch out more, but the stand up scene was becoming formulaic. They went on in front of him and, dude, there was this one fucking guy, he was making fun of that joke. For that amount of money, I would fuck the whole cast of the golden girls. He had a joke.

I forget what the thing was. He goes, for that amount of money, he goes, I would blow the village people. And everybody laughed. And his tag was, I would start with the cop. Still remember that.

And what I loved about it, what was so fucking funny was he took, like, this thing that was like, just like this generic thing. And then he went so specific that for a split second it was, it was uncomfortable. But then everybody immediately realized that he was making fun of that hacky joke. It was so fucking brilliant. Like, I still remember jokes from that night and sitting back there and I gotta tell you, dude, it was like watching a whole other level, you know?

David Feldman of comedy, man, that guy. Was just, yeah, I learned there's silence. There's something in the silence. He could sit in that uncomfortable silence like no one. The other guy that I think is, it was really good in the silence or just standing there and the charisma is Ron White.

Oh, yeah. Well, the thing is, you could just. Sit there, but he, you just lock. Into his, his pace when that fucking guy would, like, come on stage. First of all, he's like, he's a fucking character.

Oh, he's beyond a character. Comedies had that great hair. He'd have the cigar with the fuck as I. Oh, dude, I'm in. I mean, I don't know what this guy's talking about, but I am fucking, yeah, in women when that, that was it.

The rednecks of comedy. What the fuck was it called? The. Something like that. Yeah, the rednecks of comedy.

The fucking blue collar tour. Oh, it's because he said you might be a redneck. That's why I was thinking that. Jeff Foxworthy, when that thing came on, like, I remember, I just remember, like, seeing the ad for maybe on Comedy Central and seeing Ron. What?

No, I was drinking and then you threw me into public and I was just going, oh, dude, this guy's like a old school with that southern draw storyteller. Just fucking amazing. You know, when you have your little CDs in, like, the little folder, like twelve CDs to bring in on your road trips, I'd be like, you know, 30 hours drives. You have music for like 22 hours. And anytime just needed comedy, I'd always just throw in that Ron White.

It was like home burned. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They call me Tater Sal. My friends call me Tater Sal. But I just remember him at the Warfield back when, you know, when people were.

When theater acts were not that many of them, when they just coming around, people just started doing theaters. Him just standing there with a cigar and his bourbon, just like. Yeah, that's what I want to do. Yeah, like just standing there. Do they run around, you know, fucking.

George C. Scott that meets Mark Twain? Like, that was literally that guy's vibe, man. Yeah, good stuff. Well, let me say.

Let me say your dates one more time here. See if I can get it right. May 22, you're at. Dude, this literally looks like a russian guy's last name. You're in some place in Pennsylvania.

It's McShangle eggs. Channelbergs. Love, love. Drafts in Mechanicsburg. Dude, this is like hieroglyphics.

I should have been a doctor. May 23, hometown boys coming back to Pittsburgh at the Improv. July 15, you're at the almost famous wine, Livermore, California. Livermore. Then he's coming to my hometown.

Well, the Patriots hometown. June 28 and 29th at the Foxborough comedy scene. I got to check that out next time I go back there. July 27, he's Lubbock, Texas with the real folk. And then he goes down to the shiny people right in Dallas on July 28.

Dun dun D. I love Big Dunna. D. Remember that fucking Dallas. Great show.

Shut her down. Anyway, dude, so great to have you back on the podcast. I love coming here. It's the. It's like, at least we've seen each other last couple weeks.

I know, dude. I've been super fucking busy. You're killing it. Am I? Just fucking busy.

Anyway, I'm so glad everything that's happening for you in your career. This guy's a fucking legit headliner. If you want to hear a nice unfiltered take on whatever the hell he's talking about. Joe Bart. If your wife tells you you take it too far, bring her to see Joe Bartnik and she's going to realize you're an alright guy.

Yeah, you're reasonable. That's right. Yeah. Joe's going to push the bar so far down the fucking street that you're going to seem like a sweetheart. I love you, Joe.

Thank you so much for doing it. Joe Bartnick, everybody. Go see him. He's on tour now with the killer new 50 minutes, fresh back from Italy. He's got the fucking tan and the pasta in his stomach.

We got a little bit of music here picked out by Andrew Themelis. And we have a bonus episode on Thursday afternoon just before Friday Monday morning podcast have a great weekend. You can be my echo voice box named electro soul was found launched down chain the deathstroke told the full hands when it came to fresco so close to four roast came to retro let's go I set the pace to presto push past the pool we got lots of pest row dress hold the beast with the ranger pesto cornified troop in the hands of black folks to move it than art let me pick the frame the mega probably most know by name my life from Afisana found piss in his name I'm on the rewrite the history of free told change I'm red like an open book pays myself I'm the body cure elves in the age of hell see what you will about to win the halo find the echo let's run into death and.

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burn. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 16, 2016. How's it going? How are you?

How's your life? Are you liking your life? Are you enjoying your life? Do you hate your life? Would you like to make a change?

Well, fortunately, there's a solution. With my new seven part, eight track tapes, I'll help you turn around your life by making me a rich motherfucker. First thing you do. Um, anyways, I am in a great fucking mood. It's actually Sunday when I'm recording this.

When I'm recording this, it's Sunday, and, uh, I got the fucking juices flowing, baby. Juices are flowing. Blood is flying through my system right now. Heart rate is fucking wonderful. You know why?

Because I worked out the last two fucking days in a row in my brand new garage. Fucking gym.

My new fucking gym. It's finally done. I went back and I picked up my truck, you know, my old fucking Ford truck that I had in storage while they finished it. They did a phenomenal fucking job. I outfitted the whole thing with a bunch of rogue fitness shit.

And I never fucking show you my house. I might have to make a video. I might have to show you. It's a little fucking chimps, a little cute chip. I'll give you a little before and after.

You know, I might even wear my leg warmers for you. I'll give you a quick fucking two second tour of the goddamn thing. I got my atomic holds up top. And I gotta tell you, old freckles. Old freckles lost a lot of what little he had.

Holy shit. I went under the pegboard, I felt like you know, the first time you ever try to do a pull up in your life, it's like. It was like you were born without those muscles because you never use them. You know what I mean? It's not like you go, oh, what's on top of the fridge?

You know? What do you do? You jump up and down, use your calves. You don't grab the top of it and fucking pull yourself up. Your little stupid feet squeaking on the front of the fucking as you try to go up, which is cheating, by the way.

And if you ever made a video of it and you put it on YouTube, I'm sure there would be hundreds of thousands of comments saying that it was an epic fail. Refrigerator pull up. Because people like when you fail. You know why? Because they don't like themselves.

Anyways, so it's done. And I'm so fucking psyched. Of course, there's a few little doodads we gotta do. Nia wants an elliptical in there, you know, which is fucking hilarious to me because she could give a rat's fucking ass about this gym and still until it started coming together and now she loves it, you know? But what's great is it's the garage.

And everybody knows that the woman, the wife, the fucking. The fucking lady over there, everybody knows that they get the house, but the guy gets the garage. And see, the women think that they win because they got the fucking house, right? You don't want the house. The house is where all the responsibility is.

The house is where the bills come to. The house is where the fucking people knock on the door and the cops come. They go to the fucking house. Nobody. Nobody goes to the garage.

The garage is fucking. It's genius, you know? You act like it's a shithole. We'll go up to the garage, they're like, yeah, yeah, get out of the house. They don't give a fuck.

You go into the garage. That's it. Yeah. Just get. No fucking idea.

You wait till I get one of those little fucking kegerators out there. Me doing keg stands as I do curls, right? Taking in calories as I burn them off at the same time while getting shit faced. It's this new exercise video that I'm going to be putting out, you know, I don't know what I would call it. You need alliteration, right?

Drunk dips or some shit like that, right? Just to get people to buy it. Alcoholic aerobics. That's too wordy. Too.

Not too wordy, too syllable y. I don't know. Whatever I'll brainstorm on it. You know, all you got to do is just have a fucking headband on, and people will buy the video if you promise them you're going to help them out, right? You have a fucking headband on.

They spray a little fake sweat on you, and then, you know, all you gotta get is a couple of hotties behind you just smiling and shit, right? The very least somebody can jerk off to it, right? The next thing you know, they start flying off the fucking shelves. And then what do you do? You add onto the garage.

You add on to the garage. I've told you guys forever, my dream fucking house. My dream house. I don't even know what the house looks like. I just know what the garage looks like.

The garage, don't you see? As my dad loved to say, the garage, don't you see, would be a three car garage, right? One for me, one for her, and the other for whatever, my old fucking truck, all right? And then upstairs, they're all. They're being upstairs.

The upstairs would have a gym. It have a drum room and a fucking cigar bar, slash fucking sports bar. That's what it would be, okay? One door in, one door out. Maybe a fucking little ladder to go up onto the roof to barbecue, right?

And that's. I think if every fucking guy had that, there's no fucking way you couldn't be a happily married man because you just could be in the house. You got your kids running around, everybody's freaking the fuck out. Yeah, I need a break. I want to be fucking single, you know, without the.

Who is. I just want to fucking. Just sit and drink without you fucking people in my. What's left of my hair. That's where the upstairs comes in.

And then you just go up there, you have a great time while you slowly kill yourself, you know? And then with every cigar you smoke and every drink you have, you know that you're one close. One step closer to death, which is a great thing because it's a release, you know? I don't know. It started off happy.

It got a little dark there towards you. You wouldn't know that I'm a happily married man by saying all that stuff, but I also am, by nature, I am a fucking loner. And, you know, I just, you know, I just need to get away from people every once in a while and. Oh, dude, that would be the fucking shit, you know, have a couple of cool fucking dogs, those dogs that fucking lay around and like to howl, you know, like a fucking bloodhound, right? Just sit there watching the game, getting hammered, you know, soundproof walls.

You can't hear your family, and you're just sitting in there. Every once in a while you look over your fucking bloodhound. Hey, Rusty. Rusty. Whoo.

And the dog would boo join with you. Yeah, you fucking get it. You fucking get it, right?

I hope you enjoyed that because that fantasy, man, that's it right there. You know, I don't know what it is. Some people want the White House, some people want a fucking Oscar. And then some people just would like to be able to get a tan and have a two story fucking garage. That's it.

You know, I'm part of that third group. Part of the third group, everybody. So anyways, I fucking went down there, used all that rogue fitness shit that I bought, and like I said, you know, these guys are not paying me or anything like that. They actually sent me those colorful weights. Now, I don't know what the fuck to do with them because I have more weight than I need.

So I got some stand up shows coming up in the LA area if you're building a fucking gym, you know, and how do I. How do I make this a fair contest? I don't fucking know. You build in a gym and you listen to the podcast and you want some colorful plates, some weights. I got them because I was gonna take it over to play it again, Sam's or played against sports, whatever the fuck they are, but they just so goddamn insulting, you know what I mean?

If you think that ball headed cunt on the pawn shop show how we just fucking. You go in there, no matter. You got a bar of gold and the guy's like, yeah, you know how much you want for this? You're like, well, the market value is fucking whatever, you know, fucking $1200 an ounce. Why don't you give me.

Give me 1000 an ounce? And he's like, see, what do you really want for it? Whatever, I want to fucking smash it over. Go fuck yourself. Like, what a fucking business.

People coming in, selling their old fucking hairdryers, you know, their ass out, right? And you got to fucking take as much out of their crack as you can. I get it. You know what? It's a business.

I'm going too hard on that guy. God bless him. God bless. All right, so play it against sports is the same fucking way. You'll come in with something with the price tag still on it.

They'll go, yeah, I'll give you like a dollar 50. You know what I mean? It's just like, I mean, they make Richard Rollins look like a saint.

I mean, these fucking guys bust you down so bad, it's like, whatever you're selling them, it's like, how about I give it to you for free, but I get to hit you over the head with it first? How about that? Don't give me any fucking money. How about I just mush it right in your fucking. I'm not doing that.

So I would rather give it to a podcast listener for free, but I'm not shipping these fucking things. It's like. I don't know what it is. I think it's 245 pound plates, 230 five's. I don't know what it is.

They're fucking big, and they're heavy. That's all I know. Whatever. They're free. Free weights.

So, anyways, went down there yesterday, I did fucking chest and tries. Today, I did the upper body stuff, all the body weight shit. Nia wanted this speed bag, which I thought was a little fucking stupid. You know what I mean? I always hated the speed bag.

Unless you really train him for a fight, you know what I mean? Then you go to your fucking q. It always seems silly. It just seemed fucking disrespectful to people who actually fight for a fucking living. Like, the level of respect that I have for people that do that for a fucking living.

Just the fucking courage it takes to do that. But, of course, now it's up there, and I'm down there. What did that giga, that bull did? Pop it.

Fuck. Da da da da da da da. I'm doing it. So now, of course, now I'm gonna get fucking obsessed with that shit. I don't know what it's gonna do for me.

I'm hoping it's gonna bring my freckles out, you know? Anyway, speaking of fights, did anybody watch UFC? UFC fighting. Not in the red corner. Did anybody see the UFC 168?

Eight? Eight was basically, I think, the USA or the world versus Brazil. And I think Brazil once again proved that they are, you know, if you want to fucking get into a fight, be in the missionary position with another person. If you think you're coming out on top, it ain't happening. They pretty much.

They pretty much dominated the fucking night. But except for this one guy, and I'm not going to know the names and actually tweeted the guy. I'm still not going to remember his name. He has a very fucking unique name and was fucking. He's fighting this guy, and this guy's making all these silly faces when he's going and they're going like, the brazilian dude, I guess he was a champion, or he is a champion.

That's right, he's a champion. And then he fucking. Ah, Jesus Christ. I was having a few when I was watching this. He fucking.

He was fucking. He was a champion and he was supposed to fight. He got hurt, so he wanted to make sure he's 100%. So he's coming down, he's making all these silly faces and shit. And I just remember the announcers going like, look at him.

It was like the biggest fighter he's had in three years, and he's making faces at the camera. He's not even nervous, right? All of this shit, right? And then here comes the fucking white dude. He fucking, you know, old Dudley do right, he's got a police officer's haircut.

You're like, this guy could have been a state trooper. And he's fucking coming down and I'm like, all right, well, let's see what's going to go on here. The white dude seems to be in a little better shape. The brazilian guy, surprisingly, for a champion, has a little bit of a dad butt, you know what I mean? And whatever, they start going at it, and, you know, white boys taking it a little bit, he's giving it back, he's taking it, whatever.

Then all of a sudden, the brazilian guy starts just running at him, and he fucking eats one, and he. And then he regroups and he starts running out again. And this fucking guy, the white dude with the fucking state trooper haircut, he's backing up, and as he's backing up, he gives him just a little, fucking little right there, Fred, with the fucking. A right hook, right? Well, backing up, and this fucking guy just.

He just shut off this guy's hard drive. He just fucking Pep. And that guy was just right down, like a controlled implosion, you know, when they take down a fucking building and everybody for some reason can take off work to go down and watch it, you know, that's what they waste a sick day on. Like, hey, is any way I can breathe in that fucking. What do you call that shit?

Not asphalt. Oh, Christ. What the fuck do you call that shit? Asbestos. Right?

They can breathe it in. Anyways, he fucking just hit the guy. Ike just caught him the right way. I mean, granted, if he hit me with that, I mean, I would have been dead. There'd be no podcast ever again, you know?

But he just caught the guy, I guess, right? And the guy just went right like a ton of bricks. He fucking went down. And the fucking white dude just lost it. You know, he just fucking.

He runs over to his corner, climbs. I thought he was going to get on the fence. He went right up and over, hugged his whole team and just kept screaming, I'm a fucking world champion. It was awesome. Oh, sorry.

I just blew out your ears there. It was fucking awesome. Do I get this too high? I think it blew out my fucking ears. It was just fun to see somebody like that excited.

And then, of course, they said that he was from Cleveland. So I tweeted out, Cleveland finally won a champion championship. And that's why I think that's what I tweeted out or something like that. But congratulations to that guy who I can't. I don't.

I'm not going to butcher his fucking name. It was awesome to see him win a championship. It's great for the city of Cleveland, right? And even though it wasn't a team sport, you know, if you're in Cleveland, you got to be. Yeah, well, you won't be thinking this because you guys, you know, you've been beaten.

You've been beaten down by the sports guards for so long that you guys really. You're afraid of having hope. But I remember reading about Christopher Columbus when he came over to the Americas, which he thought was, I don't know, India. I don't know what the fuck he thought before he got to land. There was a couple of branches before he got to land.

And he started either, you know, being nice to people or chopping off people's hands because they wouldn't give them their gold fillings depending on what movie you believe. You know, I always love that new studies find it's like, what? Where the fuck was this information? Was it. Was it on a cocktail napkin and somebody finally looked at it, huh?

Did you find one of those scrolls? Was it written by somebody? Hey, by the way, this is what really happened. And somebody just kept it for years and they just let the lie go and go and go and then. Or maybe.

Maybe the people that survived what he did, they had this shit written down. I don't know. I think I'm fucking way off track here. Where the hell am I? Oh, yeah.

So anyways, he's either way before he fucking got to land. And either was a halfway decent guy or an absolute fucking war criminal, depending on what you believe. Either way, don't you get the day off? You know, sometimes people got to die to get a fucking day off. You know, when you really think about it.

Anyways, the fuck was I talking about. Yeah, you see some fucking branches and shit. So there you go. But guy from Cleveland is a champion, all right? It starts with one.

So now you got to be looking at the Cavaliers. I don't think they've lost yet. You know, it's funny. Everyone in Cleveland right now is going, shut up. You're gonna jinx it.

All right, I'll shut up. Just saying, that's another weird city. Part of me wants Cleveland to win, but there's just such a hilarious misery to the Cleveland sports fan. I almost want to see it keep going. I guess I'm going to be happy either way.

I was really surprised that OKC beat the spurs, considering I never watched. I just watched the Celtics. But I was hoping that Tim Duncan was going to get his 6th ring, you know, just so I'd have yet another thing to say to fucking Laker fans when they bring up Kobe Bryant. Well, another guy during Kobe's time, he won six.

He was a team player, that one. He really moved the ball around, got everybody involved. Did need fucking 90 million free agents to come in and help him out every fucking year. All right, sorry. Anyways, let's slough ahead here.

What am I talking about here? So, yeah, so congratulations, and I was disappointed with the cyborg fight. You know what I mean? I was sitting there going like, yeah, I know. I want to see this chick fight.

I want to see the, you know. And, you know, I got to tell you, the women's fights are usually better than the men's. I don't know why they go at it like, they go at it like fucking alley cats. It's crazy. I just don't understand how they can just.

How you can just kick somebody with your bare foot and it doesn't hurt you, too, you know? They should fucking have just regular people like me just go in and do mma shit to each other and just watch us both crumble after the first strike. Punch once with your hand. Ah, fuck. You know, you put it under your armpit anyways.

But she fought some chick, she was like eight, six and one. So I'm like, what the fuck? She's gonna destroy her. This is gonna be over in the first round. And then lo and behold, jesus, she fucking hits hard.

She fucking was just raining punches. And the other woman was, you know, who's getting hooked? Was doing way better than I would have. One jab and I would have been on my back, but she was fucking eating him for a minute, and then she went down, and then there was a moment where she was always moving, but it looked like she was out. And the guy stopped the fight, right, which he should have, I think, was right to stop the fight.

In the end, when they have the official decision, they cut to her, right? And everybody cheers. She's brazilian. It's a hometown crowd. And when they cut to the other, the woman who lost, she's, like, holding back tears, and she's just looking up.

This is why I love this fighter forever. She was just looking up at the fucking. The diamond vision thing, whatever, the big screen. And she waited till she was on the scoreboard. And the second she was on the.

Scoreboard, she just goes, I never fucking turned. I never fucking tapped. And the whole place booed her.

She was so fucking mad.

Which is understandable. I mean, I can't imagine training that fucking long and that goddamn hard. And then it's just over in, like three minutes. It must have been brutal. But I don't know.

She was great. She was all hard. So hopefully she'll come back or whatever. I don't know. I was really into that last one.

And that Cleveland guy was hilarious. He was. He was talking to everybody. He was like, you know, and I know everybody here. You don't like me because we're in.

Brazil, but you guys make the sport great. He called him out on it, you know, you're not voting for me because I'm a fucking. Because I'm from Cleveland. He should have been, but I'm from Cleveland. I'm used to this.

Anyways, let's see here. I don't know if I have any advertising here. Hang on 1 second. In the meantime, I'll tell you a quick story. You guys are all well aware that the.

The genius prince died. Did you guys see that? Do you get that in your papers? So anyways, out here in Beverly Hills, they're having an auction on one of his guitars. It's a yellow one that he did.

Oh, what? How many fucking times I got to type in my fucking password? Come on.

Maybe because I can't fucking remember it. I fucked it up again. Third time's a chum.

I have to hum what it is or I fuck it up. Can you imagine being this dumb and actually fucking having your own gym? It's kind of dangerous, isn't it? All right, so they're auctioning off one of his guitars. It was the one that he used with the new power generation, the cream album, I believe.

And somebody bought it a few years ago. I can't believe it was even for sale. But some guitar collector, admittedly doesn't play him. He just collects them. He paid 30 grand for this fucking thing.

So he says, I should read this word for fucking word. This is so fucking priceless. He says, like, the reason why he's selling it is because, you know, it's become, you know, with the passing of Prince, it's become so valuable that he's actually nervous to have it. He's nervous to own the fucking thing, right? Which fucking.

It's just like, dude, why don't you just say, you know what? The guy fucking just died. Everybody's paying attention. This is a great time to sell this fucking guitar. I'm trying to make money off of this guy's death.

Why can't you just say that? You know, here it is. Princess guitar. All right? I gotta read what this guy said.

It's just so. There's nothing wrong with it. You want to make a buck? Just, you know, the guy died and I'm trying to make fucking money off of it, all right?

Yellow Grace goes, I've been a prince fan since I was a little kid, and that guitar always stuck out to me because it was super cool and stylish. Said the current owner. He paid about 30 grand for it. He said, unfortunately, as morbid as it is, when people pass, their items become more valuable. I think something as valuable as this could be too risky to continue to have in my possession.

He's worried about his safety. Get the fuck outta here, man. You're trying to make some money. Trying to make. Give me the loot.

Give me the loot. You try to make some money. That's so fucking creepy. It's a really cool looking guitar, but I don't think I could own a guitar of a dead person who was way better at playing than I'll ever be. I feel like that should be in, like, the Rock and Roll hall of Fame, so people can just go and look at it.

Stay in your house. How fucking weird would that be? Just having people over and people going, is that. Yeah, that's Prince's guitar.

I would immediately be whispering to my wife, going, this guy fucking killed him. Let's get out of here. The fuck does he have his guitar? It immediately creep me out, but that's me, you know? I'm a paranoid son of a bitch who wants a fucking two story garage.

Sue me. Do I not have any fucking reads this week? I think I'm out of advertisers. I don't know if you guys have noticed, but I've slowly but surely pissed all of them off.

Oh, well, well, maybe. Maybe I do have some advertising. He just hasn't sent it? Nope. I'm hitting the refresh button.

I don't fucking see it now. You know what? Why are they so sensitive? Don't they understand that if I shit on it, you guys actually listen to it and then maybe you'll buy it as opposed to just fast forwarding through all of it? That's what I try to do.

I mean, I'm just, you know, I'm trying to help them make money right now. What the fuck are you going to do? Speaking of guitars, you know, I played for about five, six years, and then I stopped over the last couple years when the downstairs was being redone, and then I recently got back into it. But, you know, this is the deal. I play drums, I fuck around on guitar, and I've always wanted one of those lemon burst fucking Les Paul's.

I'm trying to find one, a left handed one. I just think it's fucking. I don't know. But you know what kills me? Whenever I get to get a guitar, especially a Les Paul, I just start thinking of all the fucking great music I've heard coming out of that thing.

And then when I pick it up, it's just like, oh, Jesus. Am I the asshole that just bought a fucking guitar he doesn't deserve? I think I am.

All right, I'm going to pause here just so I can just fucking. If I get advertising later, I can just put it in here. Or maybe not. So maybe. Let's see.

Let's see what happens. All right. Pausing here for some advertising that might be read later.

All right, I'm back. Did I read anything? I don't know. I guess I'll find out later anyway. So it's only 427 here, pacific coast time, and in 33 minutes, the blues San Jose shots.

Fucking game starts, and I can't tell you how fucking excited I am about this. And I already know how they're probably going to sell this game. It's a tale of tale. Two cities that have never gotten over the hump. Their fans have had more heartbreak than a fucking bleed, blablue and a fucking spear through the chest.

But one thing's for sure. For one city, they'll be moving on to the Stanley cup final, not finals. As I always say, the Stanley cup final. And for the other team, more misery. But neither one should be ashamed.

They've both knocked off between the two. Of them, the two perennial giants in. The west with the La kings and the fucking Chicago Blackhawks, right? They're gonna do some shit like that. Somebody is gonna make it to the Stanley cup final.

I hate that it's the final. I like the finals. And I hate when people go, well. There'S only one of them. There's only one of them.

It's the NBA. Yeah, but there's seven games. It's the finals. Right? I'd have no problem with that.

Plural. That's a great thing. You know, when people go like, all those cunts over there in Europe or around the world go, why do you call it football? You know, ours makes sense. It's football.

Bill Burr
And then somebody goes, all right, if you want to be technical, you should call it feet ball. You're using both your feet. Why do you call football? There you go. You dribble right back and forth between your feet there.

Why don't you call feet ball? Feety ball? Footsie. Why don't you call it footsie? In other words, why don't you go fuck yourself?

Anyways, I am really excited about this. And what I would like to do, don't you see, is I would like to have one of my giant ice cubes with some fucking booze in it. Because I booze hard on the weekends, because I fucking stare at a goddamn script all week before I come home and booze hard. Who's kidding who? My drinking is out of control.

I think this is why people have children at some point in their life. Because if you don't, you just drink yourself to death.

I'll tell you, it's fun. It's a lot funnier than shit diapers. Anyways, I am. I'm nervous about this one. I'm nervous.

I had a belief that the blues were gonna get by the Blackhawks. I'm not kidding. I'm a surprise. And I had a belief that they could get by the Dallas Stars. And certainly with the goaltending issues, which I didn't even know they fucking had, that still went seven.

So I figured this, when it makes sense that you get to the next each tie, you get a little more tested. So I want to say, whoever wins this is going to fucking win the Stanley cup in the Stanley cup final. But I was hanging out with Bartnik last night, and he knows more about hockey than I know about myself. And he was saying that he thinks Tampa Bay Lightning, even though that goaltender went down. So we shall see.

I'm sticking with the Blues. Meet me in St. Louis, Louie. Meet me at the fair. I'm sticking with the Blues.

That's my team. And because my real team, the Bruins, didn't make it, but I still love them. I'm going to be there again in October. And if they play the blues, I'm not going to give a fuck if they beat them. Fucking whatever.

Twelve to nothing. I won't give a shit. Speaking of which, somebody sent me something about, you know, people always love to make points on all the dumb shit that I say on twitter. Like, I mean, how many times do I have to admit that I'm a fucking moron, that you really don't need to correct me? I realize that I'm an idiot.

But somebody goes, think there's not a lot of scoring and soccer, and sends me like one day's worth of fucking scores. It's just like, okay, well, if you average it out, I think I'm right, you know? You know what's funny about that fucking Leicester City championship? Do you know how they found out that they won a championship because two other teams played to like a one one tie? There wasn't even a playoff.

Playoff. There wasn't even a fucking playoff. Like, here we go, this is it. We're down to the final two fucking teams. We're going to play for 19 hours and hopefully at some point somebody's going to put the fucking ball in the net and the goal, whatever, and then it's going to be over, except it's going to be injury time, that nobody knows what it is except for the fucking.

The refs. And everybody starts whistling, right? They didn't even have that. They watched these two other teams play to a tie and then everybody went crazy. That seems really anticlimactic to me.

I think you want somebody to fucking kick the ball, it goes into the fucking. Somebody scores, right? And then collectively as sports fans, you all fucking bust your nut when it goes in. Yeah. A bunch of people walking around in scarves watching somebody with get a fucking tie.

And then you're excited about that. I don't get that. You know, you would think that a country that survived a fucking blitzkrieg like that level of excitement in your fucking life, you think. You think that your sports would reflect it. Maybe you hadn't.

Maybe your fucking grandparents had enough fucking excitement for one lifetime and your lifetime too. So they just started watching that. I don't know. Or maybe I don't understand enough about the game and I'm just a fucking moron. Maybe that's what it is.

I don't know. I have no idea. Whatever. Go. Go get some fucking fish and chips.

And go fuck yourself. All right, let's. Let's read some, um. Let's read some. Some of this bullshit here that I got from this week.

Oh, by the way, I had a great weekend down, and before I get to this, I got an hour to fill, so don't worry about it.

I had a great weekend. I've just been in a real slump as far as writing new bits just because my life has ground to a halt here. It's like, you know, I'm not going out. I'm not doing anything. Like, my wife went to the Beyonce concert last night at the Rose bowl, and I was actually thinking I should have gone because there's no fucking way I wouldn't have got a bit out of that.

I would have felt old. I would have felt stupid. I wouldn't know what the songs were. And she come out, fucking whipping her weave around and shit. There'd be something I could talk about, right?

But instead, I went down to the comedy store and I did a couple of shows, and I actually went out. This is for other comedians that are out there. And I was just so fucking sick of doing the same shit and trying to make it work. I just. Every once in a while, if you just go out there and you're just not thinking anything and you just start fucking talking, it works way better, and it breathes new life into all your jokes.

I just kind of went out there and. Which is a very terrifying thing to do if you've never done that stand up because you really feel like you're, you know. Do you remember in, like, the Matrix, when Keanu Reeves, they're trying to convince him to fucking step off that building and he's not gonna fall to his death? All he has to do is believe, isn't it? Was it that movie or was it fucking Battlestar Galactic Moonraker?

I don't know what the. One of those space movies, right? It wasn't even space, but Sci-Fi he had to, like, believe it. And if you believe it, then you're fine. If you.

If you don't believe it, you actually fall to your death. This is sort of one of those things. But of course, you're not gonna die. You're just gonna, you know, metaphorically die on stage is. Is basically stepping off the building is basically just leaving your act behind and just fucking.

Just talking. So I just went out there and I just started riffing on the fact that I made a small, smart move by not going to Beyonce because, you know, when I went to Lady Gaga, with my wife.

You know, I fucking. I mean, she was mad at me for, like, three fucking days after that one. In defense of me, which there really, really is no defense, I watched the Patriots. We lost, I think, to the Ravens in the playoffs during the day. So I was already drinking.

I already had a good six pack in me. And then we took a car service to fucking Lady Gaga, and we went on the thing, and it was. It's, you know, I'm all about seeing the band. I want to see the drummer and all that type of shit. And she on this tour for whatever reason.

It's her tour, it's her choice. Whatever. She had him in, like, this house. There was a fucking house, and I couldn't see the drummer. There was, like, a window.

I could kind of see his hands a little bit. A little bit of his head, and that was it. And was just like, fuck, I want to see the band. And I can't. It was so long ago.

I don't remember what the fuck, but I just started telling that story how I fucking pissed her off. And then if I went to the Beyonce thing, you know, how I would. I would just, you know. You know, when they sang, like, that independent woman song and everything, just the dirty looks, I'd be giving most of the women there knowing that they were full of shit and that they shouldn't be putting their hands up in the air, you know, it was just a smart move that I didn't go. And my wife still has never gotten over my behavior at the Lady Gaga concert to the point that I actually asked her to come on the podcast to talk about the Beyonce concert.

And she just goes, no. And I tried not to laugh. I tried to hold it together, and I go, what do you mean, no? She goes, what do you think, I'm a fucking idiot? No.

She goes, I'm not going on the podcast and giving you an opportunity to start trashing Beyonce. I'm not going to trash Beyonce. Okay?

I have to admit, she started showing me video clips of the concert, and she had it, like, the way she was holding. We were on the couch, and she snuggled up next to me, so she's holding it kind of low to my, you know, near my stomach. And, like, three times I started laughing, looking at the.

Looking at the clips, and look, dude, I know she's way more talented than I could ever be. I don't even remotely put on a show like her. But this just something funny to me about when everybody dances in unison and they have that, you know, that angry look on their face. It's just the funniest. It's just like, what is your.

What is the problem? Coming up? And they got their arms out, you know, and they're doing that little fucking thing with their head and their feet are running. It just. I can't.

And I can't even dance. Like, the fucking nerve of me to laugh at it, but it always strikes me. It's just. It's absolutely ridiculous. Something.

It's. I understand why it's awesome and people appreciate it, but it's also really fucking funny to me, I should say. I don't know why. You know what? I'm just a cunt.

Don't listen to me. So whatever. So I made a great fucking move by not going to that concert. Made a very smart, married a couple of years, getting wise in my old. I just was just like, you know what?

I can. That's. That's the best. When you start. You start to know somebody and yourself well enough to be like, you know what?

I see the fight coming. You know what I mean? It's actually. It's like slipping punches, which is something else. Another reason why I suck at fighting is you could literally tell me on Thursday, I'm throwing this punch at this time, and you would still not only catch me with it, you, like, your whole head or foot or whatever, would you?

I just can't do it. Whatever. I stink at it. So I saw this fight coming, and I was just like. I was like, all right.

No, no. And I gave my, you know, my ticket away, and she took one of her girlfriends. So I look good with the friends and all of that fucking shit, and I avoided a major fucking fight, and I just went on stage. Cause I was like, I'm sick of my jokes. That was the point of this shit.

I'm sick of my jokes. So whenever I get into this, these whatever you call writer's block, even though I don't write whatever, just riff and block, I guess, because I just sort of wing my shit.

I just say to myself, what am I thinking right now? What am I feeling? And I was feeling, thank God I didn't go to Beyonce. Cause me and my wife would get into a big fight. So.

And, you know, it's funny. I didn't even make that decision. I kind of. As I was Dom, I Rera brought me up with. He gives the best fucking intros.

He said this fucking intro, he goes, you know, this next guy coming to the stage, you know, he never made me laugh. You know, immediately people are just dying, they just fucking. He just does that stuff. But, you know, people seem to enjoy him. I don't know.

I've written a lot of his stuff and just, you know, just making me look like a complete asshole. So I went out there, and it wasn't until after I shook his hand that I was actually thinking of the first bit I was gonna do. And I was just like, oh, God, this is gonna feel like shit coming out of my mouth. I can't even say it. And then I just.

Over the years of just knowing that trick, I was just like, what am I feeling right now? I was just. I'm feeling. I'm glad I fucking did go to Beyonce. Cause I get into a three day fight with my wife, and I just started talking about that, and it just.

It worked. And then I had this other chunk of material, and I did the last joke without even setting it up from the other shit, and it still worked. It just worked in a different way. And it was great. It made me fucking love stand up again.

Cause I was really not like I would ever hate stand up, but just this whole fucking writing every day. All right, let's get to some questions here for this week. Oh, look what's back. Say Ek Sciatica.

Speaking of which, how great a song is top. Jimmy. Fucking love that song. All right. Sciatica.

Hey, Bill, love your podcast. I wanted to tell you about my sister's cure for sciatica. Live at the Worcestershire.

The Providence Civic center, one night only. Sciatica, my ass. Fucking.

She suffered from sciatica for years. For years. Her doctor recommended she see a podiatrist. That's a foot doctor for all you civilians out there who filmed her from behind. Fucking creep.

As she walked on a treadmill. Yeah, where are these yoga pants, by the way? I don't understand why guys are fucking so obsessed with yoga pants. I've never been yoga pants. I like just.

You know what? I took too many yoga classes. I just know what the room smells like, and I just feel like that's what your clam smells like when you wear those. And I know that's immature. I'm sorry.

He immediately saw her right foot was rolling out as she walked. He said this was causing her problems with sciatica, and he made custom orthotic shoes inserts that she wears most of the time. She said this worked immediately to completely eliminate her pain from sciatica. She said, after you start wearing the orthotics, you should visit a chiropractor to get everything back in alignment. And you're good to go.

Give it a try and go fuck yourself. Thank you so much for that. I don't think I have that issue, but I got the name of a good chiropractor. And you know what, God damn it, when I'm uploading this podcast, I'm actually going to go see a doctor because somebody sent me this thing on Twitter. Bill, go see a doctor.

Jesus, did we learn nothing from so and so? It was somebody who was on Letterman who had a shortness of breath, and he kept blowing it off. He kept talking to people who weren't doctors, and they're like, I'm sure you're fine. I'm sure you're fine. Then he found out it was fucking lung cancer.

Obviously, that's not what I'm looking at here. All right, so I will definitely go. Thank you for that. All right, number two deuce. Where will Caitlin take a shit this week?

Number two. Hi, Bill. Wall and floor tiler for 27 years. And my go to for any lower back pain was a gel ice pack. And lying on a hard floor, the gel pack molds to the area that is sore, and the hard floor keeps your spine flat.

Bill Burr
Lie on your back. Wait. Lie on your back on the floor with your knees bent. Put the ice. Now, what does that mean?

They bend and then lift them up? Or just have your feet on the floor. You put your foot down on the two, you jump up onto one. Sorry, I'm thinking about Prince now. All right, then move the ice pack and then try.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I missed the whole fucking thing. Lie on your back. You know what it is? He wrote a bunch of words that are all like the same.

I have some sort of fucking dyslexia. Because he has. Lie like a bunch of times and feet. Lie on your back on the floor with your knees bent. Put the ice pack at the spot.

Giving you trouble. Leave it there. Oh, I know why you didn't have any punctuation. Leave it there for 15 minutes. You can watch tv doing this.

Then move the ice pack, and then try to feel like you are pressing your spine into the floor. Continue with the treatment once or twice a day until you feel better. I hope this works for you. I loved ephes for family. It reminded me of my childhood.

And I'm a 57 year old astronomer, australian male. Love the specials and the podcast. Hope you get better soon. Well, that's good to know. So you're ten years older than me.

Well, that should work because we kind of aged Bill a little bit older than I was in 1973 or 74. He's about eleven years old, which would mean he would have been born in 62. So that's right in your wheelhouse, right? You'll probably be born in like what, 58, 59? Yeah, Bill, that's how the math works out.

All right, cool. Okay. Australian mailbowl. Well, thank you so much for watching and please tell more people down there in Australia, if you can, to check it out. I actually heard a lot of times people say to put heat on your back.

Ice, I guess is better because if you have any sort of inflammation in the nerve or something like that. I don't know, I've been using a leave in doing these stretches. I feel much better and I haven't been sitting down at all. I've actually been squatting like a vietnamese gambler and I don't know, that's been working for me in these stretches. I still haven't quite gotten it better, but I'm going to go to a chiropractor and get adjusted.

Oh, Jesus, that. And I also need glasses. Finally giving into that, because every two years when you're of my advanced age, you got to go get a physical. Physical. I wanna get physical and I got my pilot's license, so you gotta every, you know, if you're a younger fella, every.

Or a lady. Lady. Every five years you gotta renew your medical, you gotta get it updated. So with me it's every two fucking years and I barely made it through. And I'm literally like, what the fuck am I doing here?

I don't wanna wear glasses. I just don't. I just don't wanna have another fucking thing that I have to deal with. And I also have this paranoia that all glasses do is make your fucking eyes worse. Kind of like, you know, chapstick, it just dries out your lips even more.

That's like the big urban myth. And then you get addicted to it, then you gotta use it. You know, whenever I have dry ass lips, I just use a little vaseline. Works like a fucking charm. And then I just start pounding waters and then you're fine, you're fucking fine.

That fucking chapstick and all that shit, I don't like it. I don't like it. Makes me have weird dreams, you know, get that chemical in there, it seeps right into your fucking face and it goes right to your brain and next thing you know you're just running around with an axe. In your dreams. You ever have a dream like that?

For some reason you're screaming, answer me.

I'm just making this shit up, people. I don't. I don't know what the fuck you want from me. Usually the advertising takes up a little bit of time, and I don't have any. 448.

Another twelve minutes and then the game starts. Oh, and I got another 15 minutes here. Fuck. Well, thank you. Thank God for Tebow, right?

All right. Grass killing neighbor. All right. Fantasy revenge advice. Hello, Billiam.

I'm a 23 year old male. I live with my parents in the country that even Australia makes. Oh, wow. That even Australia makes fun of two from Australians here. Oh, New Zealand.

Oh, Jesus. I live with my parents in a country that even Australia makes fun of. New Zealand? I thought you meant a part of a country I can't read people. I love.

Ephesus for family and can't wait for season two. Thank you so much. Please tell more people in New Zealand about it, if you haven't already, if you got the time. I'm not trying to put you out. If you don't want to be that douche, don't be the douche.

But if you do, I'd appreciate it. All right, so here we go. Fantasy revenge advice. Some time ago, my father was using a lawn trimmer on the right side of the front yard, which is only a few feet from our neighbor's driveway. While trimming the edges, a small rock in the grass shot out and hit our neighbor's parked car in the driveway.

Our neighbor was already at the front of his house and either saw or heard the bang and started yelling at my dad, who was apologetic. The rock put a small dent in the car, which was hard to see even close up. When I was told what happened by my dad, I was a little pissed that he yelled, but I knew he had a right to be upset. And although it was an accident, my dad would happily pay for the damages because he knew he was at fault. Our neighbor didn't talk to us again about a bill or anything, so we quickly forgot about it and moved on.

A few weeks later, I was at the front of our house, and I saw that the right side of our lawn was completely dead. A foot inwards, I realized this fucking cunt had poisoned the area of the grass that would usually be cut using the edge trimmer. Wow. This guy's got major communication issues. So this incident would never happen again.

Despite my dad telling him that he would only mow the lawn when the driveway was empty in the future, I asked my dad if he knew anything, and he told me he had known for a few days, but didn't want to make a big deal about it. My dad is a very easygoing guy who doesn't get bothered much. Myself, on the other hand, spent the night, the next few nights fantasizing about revenge. Oh, it looks like you take after your mother. All right?

Your dad's easy going. He married a fucking hot blooded woman. And, you know, she calmed her down, right? And then you. You.

You got her fucking DNA. All right? I like. I like where this is going so far. Even though I'm not a big revenge guy, your dad's easy going.

It's his house already. My gut saying, your dad's easy going. It's his fucking house. You know, don't do anything to disrupt it, he said, I thought about doing the exact same thing to his lawn, but spelling out the words coward? Oh, my God, that's fucking hilarious.

I thought about pulling out all of his plants and dumping it on his car to send a message. It's been a few months, and I still get pissed off when I think about it. But I decided not to stoop to his level and pull off a bitch move like that. The only option would be to confront him, but there is no scenario in which that would end well. Why not?

Why not? Why can't you just, next time you see him, just say, like, dude, I got to tell you something. I haven't been on this planet for a long time, so maybe I need to see more bitchy behavior. But that's the biggest pussy bitch fucking. Don't do that.

It's gonna. I don't know. I would just say, hey, you have any idea why this part of the lawn died? Isn't that amazing? And I would do that to him every fucking time.

Just do something to drive him nuts. Anyways, because I've decided to do nothing and move it on. But it's been about a year, and I'm still thinking about it. What would you have done? Am I justified to be pissed?

This pissed? And how the fuck do I stop myself from letting it get me in such a bad mood every time I walk past our front lawn and see the dead strip of lawn? Thanks for listening, Bill. Come back to New Zealand. Your lawn is still dead.

Look, I'm not big on revenge, but the great thing that you have right now is you've waited a year. Um, so if you were to do anything, obviously don't bring any physical harm to the person. Um, he does seem to love that car.

It's just. Why would you do it? Um. Why don't you guys re. Just replant the fucking grass.

That's what I would do. I would replant the grass. This is what you do. Replant the grass and get all excited. And then without him knowing, what you do is you set up a fucking video camera, all right?

And you just videotape and you try to catch him doing it. That's the best way to do it, right? And then he has to fucking pay for it. And then pay for the previous thing, the previous time he poisoned it. Like, that's what I would do.

You know what I mean? There's obvious things that you could do. You could go to a fucking auto zone and buy one of those little catch trays that captures oil, you know? And then in the night, you could undo his fucking. Let all the oil out of his car, unscrew the thing on the oil pan, and you screw it back up.

And then he seizes the engine on his car. You can go that route, you know. There's no oil in the fucking car.

The key is, what you have to do is he would still figure it out. See, he can't do this. Is all bitchy fucking moves. You know what I mean? You gotta have a face to face thing.

Or what I would do is I would just repaint. Replant the grass and I would set up a fucking video camera and maybe just say that. Just say, hey, just so you know, if you plan on poisoning our grass, because I know you're not a man, and you would never say anything to my dad or myself's face, you know, just so you know, I got this. Security. You're gonna be on video, and we're gonna catch you doing it.

Okay? All right. It cost us a lot of money and I owe. My God, what a f. In a perfect world.

Couldn't you just go over and just fucking. He just answers the door and you go, ha. And you just boot him right in the nuts, huh? Then you just take a strip of the dead grass and you just start fucking beating his back with it. That's what the fuck you want to do?

You know what? I actually want to do that right now. But you know what? You can't do it. You know what?

Fuck him. He did it to you. He did it to you.

Oh, dude, you know something? I think you're. I think what you came up with is the best. Why don't you just write coward now? Cause then he's gonna do something else to your dad's house.

Oh, this guy's a cunt.

You know, what? He doesn't have the balls to confront your dad. So what I think you do. Yeah, do the little coward thing and then set up video cameras and catch him doing something else, but then you've done something to him. See, it's just.

It's just awful. It's just this bitchy tit for fucking tat thing. I don't know what you have to do, but I feel like something has to be said. At least I know what you do. This is what you do.

You go down to a fucking lady's shoe store, all right, and you buy a cheap pair of fucking women's shoes, and next time you see, you wrap it up like a present and you just give it to them and there's a card in there and everything, and then you just. This is what you do. You do that. You just humiliate the guy and you just open up and just say, hey, sweetheart, just wanted. You just write from your heart about what a folk fucking bitch he is and just is what you do.

Don't ever. Don't cursing it at all. Write it really nice and lovely, but in that, without ever cursing, just let him know what an absolute fucking pussy he is for doing that. There you go. You know what?

I think that's a winner. You know what? I might have to outsource this to my listeners. If you guys have better ideas on what to do there, nobody gets hurt. You made your point.

Fucking hilarious. And that's a funny. You know, you tell people that this guy did it and they go, so what'd you do? You tell him, I went out. I went to a ladies shoe store, and I bought him a pair of pumps.

And then you get to laugh. And every time you see him, just. Wave and just start calling him sweetheart. Give him a pet name. Maybe you give him a woman's name, like Diane or something.

Bill Burr
Just, hey, Diane, how'd you like the shoes? And just every fucking day. You can just do that forever. I don't know. It made me feel better about the situation.

Maybe you can do that. Who the fuck knows? Anyways, good luck with that. But don't do any physical harm or real property. That's the brilliance, I must say.

Genius. Pat myself on the back there. Sorry about that. That's what I like about the last plant, is that you're not hurting him. You write it eloquently.

You're not cursing. There's nothing he can really do. You just bought him a gift that you give a woman. It's perfect. You know, I'd send him some candy on Valentine's day, just, ah, just torture the guy.

But you just keep giving him gifts, you know? I don't know what else. What's some? Get him some flats.

Just, I don't know, just a bunch of shit like that. I don't know. Who the fuck knows? Maybe you just do it once and then that's it. And then what you do, and then right after that you replant the grass.

And then you just let him know that you know that he did it and he's gonna be too much of a bitch to try to do it again. And then you can tell your dad years later that that's, don't tell your dad that you did it. And then years later you tell him that you did it. When you're having a pint, you guys can fucking laugh your balls off. All right, work argument.

Hey, Bill, I work with some real morons. I'm in sales, so everyone is a hot headed tool. Really? I thought you guys were, like, funny. It always seemed like the salesmen were always breaking balls and being funny.

They all think they're living in a sales movie. Oh, okay. Too many Glengarry Glen rosses. All right, we have set accounts and nothing about our job requires us to generate new business from cold leads. But that doesn't stop us, these tools.

So the other day they're bitching about Saturday Night Live and how it's not funny anymore. That's not really a big deal. People always bitch about SNL, even when it's good. That didn't bother me. But then they all started saying how they'd be funnier on the show.

Oh, Jesus, here we go. This is like me watch. No, I guess it's not like that. All right, let's continue. I was gonna say it's like me watching UFC, being like, dude, you know.

What I would have done? So this is when I chimed in and told them that it's harder than it looks and that they did not. They did not. They did have a shot. What?

Bill Burr
And that they did have a shot.

Oh, that. If you left out a word there, said it's harder than it looks. And if they, if they did have a shot, having no stage presence or experience, they would end up freezing up. Then they'd be the guy who froze up, whose face was everywhere. I made the point to them that if they were offered a spot on SNL, they'd be better to turn it down.

They'd have a happier life if they said no to SNL. Jesus. Do you agree with this. And if you were offered SNL, would you take it?

Do I think that the people on SNL are funnier than a salesman? Yes, absolutely. Absolutely. Do I think that they would freeze up? No, not necessarily.

They would probably, you know, maybe a few would freeze up. Others would get dry mouthed and still plow through it. Others would ham it up. You know, who knows? I don't know.

If they offered me SNL, I would know that they were in a lot of trouble. I'm a 48 year old man next month. I think that they like to try to get young talent, and I think that window has closed.

Having said that, I got nothing but respect. It seems like having. Just trying to write a fucking cartoon where we got all the fucking time in the world to do this shit, where they have to come out with a brand new, you know, 90 minutes minus fucking commercials.

What's that, 90 -24 to get technical. Eight minutes every half hour. That's 64 fucking 66 minutes a week. Fuck you. There's no way.

I've heard nothing. But that's an absolute. It takes a special personality to be able to do, to handle that. And I would actually be worried about what it would do to my stand up career, having that level of a commitment, which is why I prefer to do a role in a movie where it's just sort of like, okay, we got you from here to here. So it's a finite thing with that SNL shit is just like, I don't know when they start or when they stop, but it just seems to be.

It's a hell of a commitment. But, yeah. So there you go. Did I answer your question?

If you get offered SNL, who says fucking no to that?

I don't know. I don't know if I could. I don't know. Why am I fucking stressing over this? It's not happening.

But anyways, thank you for sticking up for everybody on SNL. I appreciate that. All right. Okay, here's the last one from a lady. From a fucking lady.

Woman proposing. Yo, baby cakes. Billy Burr. Just curious, what are your thoughts? What are your what?

Oh, just curious what your thoughts are. Sorry, everybody, I'm bad at this. Just curious what your thoughts are on women proposing. Love you. Thanks for advocating for pit bulls.

Hope to see you soon. Please don't use my name. Well, they never show me your name. I think that's a bad move on the woman's part.

I think you guys, generally speaking, are more gung ho to get married than guys are. And if you propose to a guy and he's too much of a pussy to say no.

And then you end up marrying the wrong person. I think as a woman, you should wait for the fucking guy. I think there's a reason why the guy asks.

It's because we don't want to do it. So if we are actually asking, then, you know, you're with the. Nah, most of them end up in divorce. You know what? I don't know.

I don't know. That could be. Maybe be kind of cool. There's something cute about it, I can tell you that. Not talking down to you, but I used to always fake propose to Nia.

I used to always go, Nia, I'm proposing to you right now. And she would always be laughing, knowing I was fucking around. And I would always go, I propose that we break up. It was a silly joke and used to always make her fucking laugh.

I don't know. She was real cute during that time when she, like, wanted me to ask. And I don't know. My wife's fucking adorable, so, I mean, what am I gonna do?

Took a special kind of fucking woman to trick me into doing this.

Ah, she didn't trick me. Anyways, that's the podcast for this week. I don't know if I have any advertising left in, but who gives a fuck? I never did it for that anyways. Right?

I'll go out and go dance for my supper tonight. I don't need your advertising horror money. Although I loved it. Oh, I love that. Advertising horror money.

Maybe I still have it. Who knows? That's the podcast once again I will try to take some video this week. I actually made a couple ones, but I made one for verse and I made one for fucking Dean Delray, so it's got their name on it. When I say maybe I'll just post those fucking things.

I don't have to fucking move my truck out again, do I? Anyways, that's it. That's the podcast for this week. Thanks for listening. Go fuck yourselves and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Let's go blue.

So when it comes to being a president I'm serving ten of peace I'm a future not alone in east of my pipe son I'm a pastor page running my class of doc connected to the human flock watch no need for props that I can't play right I got too many the evidence to stay fright corners are big in the process of focus and ominous outlet take no stopping the savvy you stop with the private time to be calibrate what is progress falling on every. It's a threat to your permit. States of debate. Join a party of property. Coming to all the safe house.

Nothing is sacred. I'm on the data to play out. You can move out of your way now.

Could it be my echo?

Not playing poppy with the outcome. I'm just saying let the inner option put it on the outcome. I'm just saying nothing.

I'm just saying nothing.

Thursday Afternoon Monday 5-16-24

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