Monday Morning Podcast 6-3-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 3, 2024. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going?

Oh, I got my glasses on. I finally got used to these prescriptions. I think I'm gonna start wearing them on stage so people think I'm smart. Look at him. He's got glasses.

He must read or something. I gotta shut this fucking heater off. I feel like the. It's gonna be too loud during the podcast here. Where am I going?

Where am I going? Can I shut it off here? Is this how you do it? Did I do it? No, that's not it.

Then you hit it again. Then you go back to the fucking thing, you spin it around, you bring it down to. Oh, there you go. Anyway, we're into June, man, you know? June 2024.

I love all these fucking doomsdayers that always were saying, jesus is coming this time. He's coming that time, you know. Where is he? It's 2024. He was supposed to be here.

I don't know how many times in my life. Something was supposed to happen in 1984. Something was supposed to happen in the year 2000.

In the year 2000. Never did, right? He was supposed to come. There was supposed to be a rapture. If you were on the right side of God, you white, like Jesus, like the Christmas Jesus that I like to think you know is in my image.

You were going to be all right. People gonna turn around. All that was gonna be left was your fucking overalls and your duck boots, and Jesus was gonna take you to the promised land. Right now, you could sit fucking with your hunting socks on and nothing else. Because for some reason, your socks seem to stay.

No, your. All your clothes go. I don't understand why the clothes go, you know? Do you go up to heaven for a big fucking old person orgy? Is that what happens?

Why are you naked? That is not my idea of heaven.

Standing there naked with a bunch of other naked people going, we were good people, right? Eyes front.

Anyway, it's 2024, June. The summer is almost here. I'll tell you what else is almost here. If you can wait another fucking week or whatever it is. The NBA Finals.

Jesus fucking Christmas. They couldn't push it up. What, did the Mavs win? The Mavs won in five.

Celtics swept. It's like, let's get on with it. No, it doesn't start until June 6.

This should be an interesting series.

I feel like the Mavericks should be the favorites. I don't know. They play with a lot more passion. They scream a lot. Anytime they do something, they go, ah, you know, where the Celtics just sort of.

I don't know. They're very cerebral. They're just. I don't know what their deal is. You think they're going to yell?

They don't yell. You know, there's very, like, calling this series the screamers versus the daydreamers.

Okay? Here's the drinking game. When you watch the NBA Final Finals, anytime someone on the Dallas Mavericks, you know, hits a layup and then screams like they're in 300, you have to do a shot, you know, or takes a charge.

What is that? It's so fucking stupid. What? I don't understand. You're not even in a combat sport.

I could see, you know, if you're a fucking boxer and you just knock somebody out all day long. UFC, you're playing basketball. What are we doing here? You had a layup.

You aren't getting enough attention. It's really dumb. It's really fucking dumb. Fucking thumping your chest and pulling your jersey to the side to expose your heart. We get it, we get it.

No one has more heart than you. You want the smoke. You're about that life. We get it. We got, right?

I get it. I get it. You know?

Um, anyway, I fucking hate hoop. I love the game. I love the game, but I cannot stand the fucking pro game. Just watching seven footers, taking one three pointer after another. And then when they actually go in the lane and there's nobody there dunking on, nobody, I just do I have to.

I hope this, however this series goes, I just hope it goes quick.

Anyway, so we shall see. We'll see what happens. Having said that, when they're not screaming and yelling or whatever it is, two great teams. Two great teams to watch, but, uh, you know, there's a lot. There's a lot of different stuff.

They got a woman in the broadcast booth. You know what I mean? It just blows my mind. Just blows my mind. I just don't why, you know, it's.

You know, why. Why can't there be a woman? Why don't you guys watch the WNBA and get the fucking ratings up, you know?

Can a man just walk away for fucking four quarters of basketball? Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Can. Can we. Can we just.

Can we have. Nope, nope, nope. Um, anyways, I don't know. This is probably just the ramblings of a fucking old. It is the ramblings of an old man fighting off, slipping into a fucking depression.

I love these people. They're just like, you know, take a couple of days off. Give your time, give your. Give your brain time to recharge. I can't do that.

Anytime I take a couple of days off, I go into a depression, you know, I don't know what it is. All the fucking awful sad shit that I've seen that's happened to me and all of that, it all fucking comes back to me. I don't want to think about it. So, you know, it's the middle of the day on Sunday. It's like, I know this is a good time to do a podcast and rather be accepting of new things in sports, both in the broadcast booth and out on the basketball court.

I'll try to shake off my sadness by shitting on other people that I don't know. Yeah, that's how I do it. You know, a lot of people, you know, they go for the medication.

I've been doing just a lot of bullshit online, just fucking watching videos and shit like most people, you know, studying my french and whatnot. But, oh, by the way, I think I chipped my fucking tooth. I was chasing my daughter. I forget what game we were calling. And I went to leap over the couch, and my son had all his tonker trucks lined up on the other side of the couch, and I didn't see it, so I had to stretch my leg even further.

I landed at the same time, left ass cheek right on my sit bone, and then my big toe and my right foot folded underneath my foot. And then I think my teeth slammed together. I have a slight chip. I have to get that fixed. My toe turned purple somehow.

I didn't break it, but. Oh, my God. You gotta look before your leap, Bill. How old are you? Tell me, how old are you, Bill.

Billy boy, Billy boy. Stop singing that song. That was me as a kid. They always had songs and there was always somebody named Billy in it, and they were always, like, doing something stupid, you know? What was that one?

Billy, don't be a hero don't be a fool with your life. And I should just laughed it off. Instead, my face got all red and I was going, stop singing. So, of course, you know, there'd be a 40 person choir down at the bus stop anyway, plowing ahead here. So I was watching these videos.

Of course, my dentist isn't around either. I mean, Jesus Christ, who the fuck takes off Friday? The weekends and Monday? Somebody's smart. They must be doing a lot of dentistry Tuesday to Thursday, right?

Maybe I have that wrong? I don't know. Whenever I called, it wasn't fucking open. Is this technically a podcast right now, or am I just sitting here having a coffee with myself?

Anyway, I watch a lot of videos about, like, animals, and I watched animals attacking other animals and stuff, and I try to make sense of it, and I try to, like, fucking think why the other animals don't come over there and help them out. You know? Why one of those big bulls over in Africa starts to fuck up a line and then freaks out and starts running and then the predator runs after and, you know, inevitably just, you know, takes it down and. Why? Like, I don't know.

They, like, the prey has, like, little brother syndrome. It always reminds me of, like, when I would fight my older brother and I would start to win, but then I would get nervous that I was winning because I'm like, well, then if I win, he's still gonna be mad, and then he's gonna come back and kick my ass later. So you just would sort of, like, give in to the inevitable.

So anyway, I watch those videos, and then whatever dumb reason, I should just watch the videos, but I go into the comments section, you know, somebody always has to use that term. Apex predator. This is an apex predator. What is your background, sir? What is your background, other than watching videos like.

Like, I am. What are you. You. You fucking zoologist? Huh?

Did you study? Is that. What is a fucking animal? I major in animals.

What's your major? I was. I'm a zoologist. I'm majoring in zoology. Oh, yeah, so you can be a prison guard for fucking hip eponymous.

That's what you're gonna do. That's basically like, you know, the people that work at a prison, right? You're gonna do the same thing, except just with, like, animals. Dude, fuck that zoology shit. Those animals, after a while, they can't take it in there.

Ever see that moment that lady goes in and she starts to clear the clean. The fucking elephant's cage. Elephant just fucking slams its body against her in the concrete wall.

I don't understand how you just don't let them. Let the animals go after that like an elephant. It's just like. It's clearly communicating to you. It doesn't want to be there.

Right, but what's the matter? You have student loans on your zoology degree. So you sit there and you watch your fucking co worker get their rib cage crushed and get a lifetime disability package, and then the next day you're there again, you know, with some new safety protocol all the while loving animals. I love animals. The animals down here, what do they call, they don't call it in the cages.

They call it in the. The en something. The end, not the entrapment, the enclosure.

These animals, this is. This is a brand new enclosure. They absolutely love it. Well, I'm sure they loved it because it was bigger than the last one. But when they inevitably ran it to a fucking wall, I will say, I don't know how they keep the fucking monkeys captive.

I really. They can climb anything. They're smarter than a lot of people.

I just don't get it. How the fuck they don't get out. They just sort of sit there, you know, and they're, they observe you and they watch what you do. And every day you got the key out, you're locking, you're unlocking it, and they're just thinking, I'm faster than this guy. I'm stronger than this guy.

You go over to your fucking friend, you know, basically saying, next time he comes in here, you fucking grab his arms, I'll take the keys, you rip his face off, and we'll get the fuck out of here.

Anyway, speaking of dumb people, how about that whole Trump fiasco? Jesus Christ, what a big fucking waste of time that was. When he got convicted of all of those things. I'm like, okay. And all these liberals were going fucking crazy.

I go, so what does that mean? Does that mean, does that mean now he can't run for president again? And they're like, no. So it's like, well, what are you, what are you excited about? He's just going to appeal it, and he's just going to keep appealing it, and he'll turn to his own people.

They want to put me in jail. They're actually trying to put you in jail. I'll take the fall for you. Right? And they'll, he could crowd fun bail.

The stupidest thing I've ever fucking seen in my life. I don't know why they went back and fucked with this guy again. I have no fucking idea. And I agree with his supporters that you basically could have done this with any fucking press, any of these fucking people, not the people in the House and the Senate, because you can't, you know, they voted that you can't fucking try them for insider trading anymore.

And then I also don't get, like, simultaneously why liberals are so afraid that Trump is going to get reelected. It's like he didn't the last time. Are less liberals going to come out this time? Liberals are absolutely fucking, you know, Trump is the antichrist to them. Why, why wouldn't just as many, if not more, show up this time?

And then I don't get on the other side? Did Trump supporters stay home on the last one?

Like, this doesn't, this doesn't make sense. And then if you're a Trump supporter and you think that the last election was fixed, what are you so excited about? Aren't they just going to do that to your guy again this time?

And lastly, is there a reason that both people running for president are combined 160 to 170 years old? Is that, is that a good thing for us? I don't know what everyone is so, I don't know, up in arms about like, okay, so they convicted Trump. Okay, fantastic. He has all these other lawsuits and stuff.

He's going to get, if he gets in office, he's going to pardon himself, which is literally a storyline I don't even think Vince McMahon could come up with. I find the whole thing fucking confusing.

And Trump supporters, they blow my mind. You know, you watch this guy, he talked these Americans into doing what they did on January 6. I mean, that alone, you know, turned on everyone in his administration, threw everybody under the bus. There was not a manly move in it. He loses the election, doesn't even stick around to shake hands.

He went away like some fucking toddler, pouting.

And like, this is the guy. I mean, out of all the fucking great republicans out there, this is the guy you're going to go with again? My favorite thing was like, there was no war when he was president. Oh, there wasn't.

Last I checked, we're still in Iraq. What are we calling that now? Is it just an occupation? I remember at first it was, they have weapons of mass destruction. They're evildoers.

They were part of 911. Then it was like, it's a liberation. And then we got Saddam and everything was done. And now we're still there. We're still there.

We're still getting into fights. And all of this stuff, I don't understand. I don't understand any of it. Probably help if I paid attention a little bit more, but I don't understand what everybody's so excited about on both sides about Donald Trump. I have no fucking idea what the big.

They're excited he's going to jail. He's not going to jail. They're excited he's going to get reelected. And it's like, and do what? Cause people to have another improvised insurrection?

Like, what exactly did. The economy was better. It's like, guys, we have been beyond bankrupt since we started these fucking never ending wars every year. You know, they say we're gonna shut down the fucking, we gotta shut down the government. We can't.

But they just, they just agree to raise the debt and base. Just print more fucking money. They did that when Trump was president. They did it when he wasn't president. I don't understand what everybody thinks thinks got solved or why this is better or why that's, I don't, that's it.

That's what I could say. I don't understand what the excitement is about. I understand depression. If you're sitting there going like, I can't believe I have to choose this fucking idiot over that fucking idiot. I understand that.

That I understand. But excitement about either one of these guys, the only excitement there is, I guess, would be that your guy is not the other guy. Is that, is that, is that what's happening?

And I'm also astounded by the amount of people in my business that are still posting when something bad has happens to Trump and rubbing, rubbing, rubbing it in, like, Trump supporters faces. Like that's helping the liberal side. It's like, you idiot, all you're doing is just making these people matter and more focused on what they want to accomplish, which is to get this guy back in office. Like, that's why I think that whole trial was stupid. They should have just like, let the, leave the guy alone.

Let him fade into obscurity. But, like, CNN just cannot stop showing this guy on tv. I mean, like, wouldn't it be amazing if you found out, like, there was some sort of bet MGM thing on Trump and CNN had him?

I just fucking was burying him. Um, I don't know. I have no idea. But, uh, oh, God. I mean, just as Christ, this is, it's like fucking that movie cocoon a grumpy old man.

It's like, when are these two fucking guys gonna retire? When have they had enough? Can you move on and let younger people, I mean, I'm talking younger than me. We need people in their forties, all right? That, that are gonna have to live with, like, climate change, a global warming, whatever the fuck you're supposed to call it, the state of inflation.

People like, can, being able to afford houses and stuff. You need, you need somebody that's going to actually live through that rather than these two fucking guys. I don't know what I mean. You know, it'd be great if they both agreed to retire and then they came out to Hollywood and they made like a fucking buddy movie. Oh, you reboot the odd couple, but up, but up.

But. All right, one's grabbing pussies, the others fucking. I don't know what, talking to a wall.

It's quite a situation. It is quite the situation.

All right. Here's my fucking uninformed two cent. I just don't think it's profitable anymore to be president. I think it's, it's, it's. If you look at the people in the House and the Senate and you look at their portfolios and see that despite making a couple hundred grand a year, that their portfolios are worth $20 to $40 million, and nobody really knows their names, okay?

Except whatever state they represent. Like, you might know who your senators are or whatever, right? But other than that, you know, once you're done, you can take your 20 to 40 million and just move to another state and nobody's gonna know who you are.

There's another thing, too, that I think is so stupid about liberals out here in Hollywood. Is the last time you shit all over this fucking guy. Oh, the first time he won a fucking election and he taxed the fucking shit out of us. He murdered this state. If this guy gets fucking back in, you know, I'm telling you, the guy's a full on narcissist.

If you would just ignore him, he would get frustrated and he would leave.

I don't know, it's a weird, it's a weird thing. Whatever. That's, that's just, it's just, that's my fucking two cent.

Anyway, plowing ahead here. So I'm taping my special later on this month. So I got a course, I chipped my fucking tooth in. That's how life is. Just glad I didn't bruise my taint.

Thank God I came down on my fucking sit bone. Jesus Christ, can you imagine that? If I bent my frame, landed right on my fucking undercarriage? I mean, that would have been brutal.

So, anyway, I'm just hoping whoever gets elected is competent and is intelligent, and it's. I just don't fucking understand why. Again, we're going to have to choose between these two fucking idiots.

But why do we keep accepting that this is the fucking best we can do? Why do liberals keep voting for Bernie Sanders and they just say, fuck you, here's Hillary, fuck you, his, uh, Joe Biden. And then, like, they're okay with it and then continue to demonize the republican party like the fucking democrats just didn't show you how filthy they are. I don't know. I just, I don't know, I don't see the.

I don't see the difference. But I do know this. Somebody needs to bring us together, and it sure as hell ain't gonna be me. But, like, we have to fucking start working together. We gotta stop doing this shit, this divide and conquer thing with these fucking cunts at the top.

Oh, that was deep, Bill. Well, you know, I gave it a shot. You know, can I at least get credit for that?

All right. Apex predator. I hate hearing that as much as I hear somebody who never served in the military talk about the Pacific theater in World War Two. You know, that's just, like, things people like to say, you know, when you.

It's like anything, I guess, like any sport or whatever. Like, I know football fans that never played football, organized football, they love to say things like, cover two, you know, was nickel defense. When they're in a nickel, they're in the COVID two.

Apex predator. That's the one that gets me. There's something about nature videos that makes fucking people want to just, like. I don't know what. Act like they are somehow built for it and they know what to do.

This is a shark attack video. And they go, unfortunately, the water was murky. If the person had seen the shark coming, they could have possibly pushed it away. There's no fucking way you could push it away. If it swam up to you slowly and it was sort of curious as to what you were doing.

Yeah, I imagine you could take it by its snout and steer it the other way, like that chick on Instagram. But you'd have to know what the fuck you were doing. You can't just do that. That was like when that fucking guy. Remember that guy with the dogs?

The dog whisperer guy? Remember that guy? And he would just go. He would. He would do that.

And then everybody who had a dog started going, and they had no idea when to do it, why to do it, or whatever. They would just fucking make the same noise. Didn't read up on it. They're like, oh, you just go, shh. And you just sort of.

You sort of like, uh. You know. You know, when Italians, eh, fungu, you know, they got the fucking hand up. You do it straight out, you know, like you're making. Trying to make a shadow puppet bird, you know?

Can't imagine the amount of people probably got fucking bit by a goddamn dog doing that shit. But here's the thing. Once a shark decides it's gonna get you and you're. You're still in the water, that's it. You're done.

You're not gonna out swim it and you're not gonna steer it another fucking direction. Once he gets that fucking tail, boom, he starts fucking shooting through the fucking water like a goddamn torpedo. You're just going to reach out with your land dwelling limb and just sort of fucking. Yeah. You know?

You ever think how much more a shark weighs than you do? You know what's amazing about that is if you got into the octagon with a great white shark, you could win. Just stay there until it fucking suffocates because it's not in the water. There you go. You get in the water.

That's it. It's fucking over.

The fight is below the surface and you can't breathe or see below it. You can't. And it's fucking, it outweighs you and it's way faster. It's fucking. You're done.

And some idiot on this, unfortunately, the water was murky. Had the water been not been murky, you could have possibly seen a fucking tiger shark. What are those things 18ft long?

He could have seen it coming and then he could have just grabbed it and steered it in the other fucking direct. Oh, is that what he could have done? Is that what you've done when you've swam in that sea? All right, here we go. Let's do the fucking reads here.

That made me feel good, made me feel good to go off on those people and the morons that are all excited to, I don't know what, make sure somebody else doesn't get into the White House rather than, I don't understand why there's not some sort of collective coming together on both sides and looking at both parties and being like, guys, you can't do this to us again, all right? We need new blood. We need two people. Oh my God. Can you imagine just two candidates that were like, reasonable?

Can you fucking imagine like, how great that would be? It'd be like, I feel like I live in like this dysfunctional family. Like, Biden and Trump are like this, you know, toxic gay couple. They adopted us and it's just like, oh God, are they fighting again? Can you imagine if there was just two fucking people in their forties, reasonable, with some sort of vision, and they didn't just sit there and demonize one whole side or whatever, and they actually did something?

Can you imagine if they went after the banks and they went after the corporations? Can you imagine if they did that? Can you imagine if a group of people who are poorer than shit would not be continuing to defend these rich people that are fucking them over, acting like, you know, this is some sort of attack against capitalism anyway. I mean, I got a problem. People making money.

But you do need to be regulated if you're not fucking regulated. I mean, look at this shit that's going on with Live nation. In my business, you listen to these bands talking about the shit that live nation has done. It's. It's just fucking.

It's like, is there anybody watching? Anybody?

You know, I had that conversation with somebody. They would go, oh, you know, your project did this or it did that. I'm just going like, how would I know that? How would I know what the fuck it does? You get all the numbers.

Oh, if we give you, you know, the, you know, if we give you false numbers, we get in trouble for fraud. I'm like, by who? Oh, nobody's watching you. And the dude had no answer anyway. But enough about my stupid fucking business.

My business is just like your business. Okay? Let's get into the, let's get into the reads for this week. Stamps.com everybody work life balance doesn't feel realistic when you're working through lunches or staying late to catch up. Free up the time consumed by tedious mailing and shipping tax with stamps.com dot stamps.com streamlines your postage needs, making your business more efficient and putting more life into your work life balance.

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No long term commitments or contracts. Just go to stamps.com, click the microphone on the top of the page and enter the code burr. B u r r. B u r r. All right, what do we got here?

We all we got, we have our reads for this week.

By the way, it's my lovely wife's birthday today, and she's napping. So I'm out in the garage here doing my podcast, but I'm gonna take a route after this. Let's see here. What do I got? So I gotta get through this podcast, is basically what I'm saying.

Oh, hey, Billy two shoes. I like that. Oh, Billy two shoes. What is that? Is that a nursery rhyme?

I remember Joe DeRosa one time called this guy in our business. He was upset with him. You know, he goes, you know what he did? Old fatty two shoes.

It's one of my favorite lines ever. Fatty two shoes. So this person says, hey, Billy two shoes. Watching some women trash Caitlin Clark. I don't know who that is.

And cheering on the cheap shots she's taking is hilarious. Oh, is that the WNBA? WNBA. Watching some women trash Caitlin Clark and cheering on the cheap shot she's taking is hilarious. It's literally women's emotions getting in the way of them just playing a sport.

Jealous players, hip checking a girl, and acting proud of it is like dunking on no one and flexing. It's all cheap. Coming from a hockey fan, I think it's bullshit. Well, come on now, dude. There's all kinds of fucking cheap hockey players.

Or as they say, you know, he plays on the edge. Imagine getting hit on the open ice and then not having to ret. Not having a chance to retaliate. Well, here's my quote. She does have a chance to retaliate, doesn't she?

Can't she just go down and do it to them? I mean, basically, what you're talking about is what the Pistons used to do to Michael Jordan. And then he bulked up in the off season, came back, started passing the ball, and figured out a way to beat him. It sounds to me like she's playing a sport. And if they're trying to give her cheap shots and shit, there's.

There's two reasons for that, and they're both old school, all right? One could be, you're better than me and I can't stop you. And secondly, the other thing is, like, why are you coming into this fucking league? Everybody talking about you like you already did something. We've been here.

Fuck you. Prove it to me. And those are both. That's the way it used to be. All sports used to be like that.

Like, I'll tell you, it's wild. You watch old fucking baseball highlights from the seventies and eighties, like, the way the game was played, it was like a fucking contact sport. People getting beaned, then breaking up double plays. Brawls, all of this shit. I watched one the other day, Jim Rice.

They thought this guy had a spitball or something. And Jim Rice got pissed at the catcher. The catcher was walking out tomorrow, and he goes to march out there and the umpire comes and he just fucking, just, just sweeped him to the side like a fucking defensive lineman trying to get to a quarterback. And they say, you better be careful there. You could get in trouble for that.

That would have been an instant injection and like a fucking, I don't know how many. And they would have been like, oh, oh, like today. Oh, you cannot do that. You cannot on any level. And he basically just like, you know, just took his hand, you know, half speed and got this fat fuck out of the way, whatever.

This umpire out of the way. And they'd be like, you can never, you know, under no circumstances whatsoever can you ever put your hands on an official. That is a no no. Yeah, so is gambling. And now look at it.

All right, anyway, plowing ahead here. So I actually think it's fucking cool. And it's great for the league that they're doing this type of shit because God knows them playing basketball has not been enough. You know, they're making this huge push with women's sports. So we'll see what's, what's happening.

And they're selling the shit out of it, you know what I mean? Look, I had a buddy of mine used to do an impression of Hubie Brown selling a bad NBA game. I heard them doing that. Like they were talking about. I was flipping through the channels.

They go, ladies and gentlemen, welcome to one of the most exciting things in sports today, the 2024 women's US Open.

And I was like, I didn't realize that. I had no idea. I mean, let's just take women out of it. We're still watching golf, right? Are they going to start swinging clubs at each other?

Like, what the fuck are we doing here? But I get it. I'm like, all right. Women have complained, saying, you know, the reason why our sports don't do as well as your sports is because you're not promoting them. So now, you know, ladies, if nobody watches your sports, you cannot fucking complain because they are promoting the shit out of them.

I have seen more goddamn women's softball, which, I'm not gonna lie to you, I actually fucking enjoy. I like watching the fucking lady fucking whip the, you know, the fucking ball going in. I like that shit. And then the chattering in the field is funny. Just those high pitched voices.

It's just funny. But other than that, it's all. But whatever. I don't mean I don't know what happened to ESPN. I don't know how many fucking contracts they lost.

But I turn on ESPN, it looks like ESPN in the early eighties. Remember that? When they had like, fucking, you know, what they have like water polo on, just somehow trying to get from like, you know, the early morning hours to tip off, dropping the puck or fucking, you know, play ball.

All right? Who knows? What the fuck do I know?

And by the way, I don't think anything that I've said in this podcast has been ignorant or misogynistic. If you look at my name, my name, like how old I am, I'm going to be 56 years old. This is what a fixed 56 year old unexamined human being sounds like. So, you know, if I was like 26 and I was talking like this, then I think that you would have a legitimate complaint. But I feel like I'm grandfathered in like that.

I could be a fucking moron. Like this the same way, like with hockey helmets, that if you played before a certain year, you know, you were grandfathered in and then it was your choice whether or not you wanted to put a helmet on. All right, real gambling at Dave and busters. Oh my God. What's going on?

You ginger big angry red machine? This email actually covers two topics. You. You love to bitch about gambling and corporate buzzwords.

Not sure if you heard speaking that. Don't. It's. It's time to let Pete Rose in, right at this point, okay? You punish the guy for what has it been, 35 years?

All right? He's doing signings in casinos. And at this point, you guys are in bed. You know, you guys are in bed with. With sports gambling.

You're making money off of sports gambling. And I know that's still way different than a player gambling, but if that Ohtani guy can pass the shit off onto his interpreter, I think, come on, don't wait till he fucking dies. Just get him in there. He did. He did a lot of great things.

Come on. Anyway, real gay. And I also think Barry Barnes should get it. I still feel that Barry Barnes was a victim of the steroids era because he was the best player of his generation and, or at least the top two, him and Ken Griffey Junior. And then these people cheated and became better than him.

And then he said, okay, well, then fuck it. This is me on steroids. And then everybody hated him.

All right? You hate him or whatever. The guy hit like fucking 760 home runs. I do hate the argument when they go like, steroids doesn't make your bat speed faster. Blah blah.

It's like, no, but it makes you feel like every game is the first game of the year. You're coming out there like, whoa, let's go, baby. There's no dog days of summer when you're on steroids. You wake up every day like a fucking, one of those fucking women's freshness commercials. All right, sorry.

All right, real gambling at Dave and Buster's. Okay, this email covers to do. Not sure if you heard, but the chain Dave and busters, which is basically like Chuck E. Cheese on meth for adults, is about to launch real wagering on their shitty games via their app. Basically, parents will be able to gamble real money on little Timmy making all his free throws and killing it at skeeball.

Yeah, we are at the end.

It's the end game here for corporate greed at this point. They have completely run out of ways to, to increase profits every quarter. They've just absolutely run out of ways. Like somebody needs to just say, okay, I think you guys are making enough money, okay? Can we not, can we not, you know, guess the over under of this three year old trying to throw a fucking ball into a hoop.

I can't be the only one who foresees a bunch of kids getting destroyed by dad in the car, dad in the car ride home for the last airbally through. Now I've got to work an extra shift at the plant because you went six for 19 from the line, Timmy. I hope you're fucking happy. Yeah, um, there's nobody. There used to be something called the Better Business bureau.

I don't know if they still exist, but there's just nobody looking out for the regular guy anymore. Here is an actual statement that I'm sure took a real think tank to draft. We are thrilled to work with lucrative to bring this exciting new gaming platform to our customers, he said in a statement. This new partnership gives our loyalty members real time, unrivaled gaming experiences. Gaming, not gambling gaming.

And reinforces our commitment to continue to elevate our customer experience through innovative, cutting edge technology. In other words, we found a new way to vacuum money out of your fucking pocket before you leave, you man titted cunt. That's what they're really saying. The company Lucra that they mentioned is a gambling company that is actually short for lucrative, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. No hidden agendas there. Hey, Freckles. They also say the gambling portion will only be available to people of legal gambling age. But reinforcing that will be like reinforcing that.

Massive plants don't dump their horrible pollutants into lakes and rivers. Spoiler alert, it ain't gonna happen. Yeah, I don't know the future of America. We're gonna be one. A giant casino slash marijuana dispensary.

And once we basically reach maximum profits, then all of those jobs will once again leave this country because that. That's what ends up happening. They don't want to deal with unions and they don't want to deal with this and that, and then they just say, all right, fuck it, we're out of here anyway. French revolution. Yeah, at some point I want to.

When they're going to actually stop saying that marijuana is not addictive.

I mean, I don't like the amount of people that I know that go like, oh, dude, if I. If I don't take a gummy, I can't go to sleep. Yeah, make that point. That is. Is that a problem?

I don't know. Maybe you don't give a shit.

All right, french revolution. But it's a way better thing to be addicted to than, say, sugar. Although some of those gummies have sugar on them, right, Bill, do you think before you talk. No. French revolution.

Oh, boy, here we go. Hey, Billy Butternuts.

Why don't I make a list of these? Somebody's got to go back and make a list of all of these fucking nicknames. I just feel like every week, I feel like you came up with the last one, last funny one or whatever. The Billy Butternuts. That's great, Billy two shoes.

This meant some good ones this week. You like to talk about how the riches of the rich live off the labor of everyone else and conspire to keep all of us down. Yeah, a lot of people like to talk about that. And you sometimes allude to the idea that we should all rise up against them or whatever. I don't think it should be a war.

It just be like, if we could all be just be collectively informed and just be like, yeah, no, we're not. Like, say like that. Dave and Buster say we have a town meeting. We all go like, listen, this is their latest fuck over. There's no way they would put these games in if someone was going to be winning more money than they are.

All right? This is just. This is stupid. This is a loss. It's bad enough you're going down there to eat that mediocre cuisine.

At least they got the game on. But now they're trying to just stay away from that shit. That's. That's. How could they get mad at that?

Well, they could because they're losing money. But, like, once you go, vi, like, I don't think a violent uprising, you know, like, take like, these white nationalist groups that have, like, uniforms and crazy weaponry and all this type of shit, it's like, what you're going to be rising up against. They have, like, these. They, they got the helicopters, they got tanks, they got supersonic jets. What are you going to do?

You can't, like, you have to do it on an intellectual way. I don't. I don't think it can be done by force. You'd have to have somebody on the inside. It's all crazy James Bond shit.

It's beyond my. I'm just going to shut up and just read here. You like to talk about how the riches of the rich live off the labor of everyone else and conspire to keep all of us down.

We should rise up. Assuming you don't already know why and how the french revolution happened, here's the gist of it. Oh, I'll tell you this. I've heard. I've been hearing about the french revolution my entire life, and I have no idea what it was.

In the late 17 hundreds, the king of France had gone into a crazy amount of foreign debt, supplying arms and provisions to a little ragtag band of rebels in some british colonies. Oh, is that us? Led by a guy named George Washington, whom you may have heard of. The rebellion was successful, but King Louis had no way of paying off the foreign debt he incurred supporting the rebels. We've just never paid the tab, have we?

Lewis knew that the peasants in France could not possibly provide the coin to pay off his debts. The coin? You sound like you're from Massachusetts. He also knew that the nobility, the money that classes would outright refuse to pay off his debts or any portions of them. So he called representatives from the peasant classes and the money I classes to a conference and told them to work it out.

Long story short, the rich locked the representatives from the peasants out of the meeting and began working out a plan to seize what little the peasants had in order to sell it to the king's creditors. The nobles were fully aware, as were the peasants. Oh, shit. That this would result in widespread famine and the peasants harvest would have to be seized and sold, as well as their tools and whatever meager coin they might have had. Blacksmiths would have their anvil seized and sold.

Lumberjacks would have their stocks of lumber seized, etcetera. Just the fucking greed of richie rich people. And they could just sit back so they don't lose any money and they can sit there and watch a baby starve to death. This would have utterly devastated the peasant class and condemned a sizable percentage of them to starvation and destitution. All this so that the nobles could avoid a significant but one time tax that would not have left them destitute, just slightly poorer.

I did that thing again where I went back to the top of my documents. How do I do that? I have no idea. Again, long story short, the peasants took over France, cut off thousands of heads. Holy shit.

And established a republic, yada, yada, yada. The rest of Europe attacked France all at once to air, quote, restore order. Yeah, restore order. Yeah. Because they're all in bed with each other, fucking over the same broke people in their own company countries.

And they got to make sure that these people don't win, because if they win, then they got to worry about that shit happening in their country. And that's exactly what happened to Tom Brady. He beat him in fucking court because they had no case. And then they were like, oh, fuck. Now we're going to have to go to court with every player in the NFL, every time we suspend them, figure out a loophole.

And that's what they did. All right? Millions tied. I can shoehorn, deflategate into anything. And Napoleon was defeated.

Ultimately, France's revolutionary ideas spread to the rest of Europe despite efforts to root it out. And today, hundreds of millions of pointless, bloody deaths. Okay? And today, hundreds of millions of pointless, bloody deaths later. Europe is the most progressive, liberal, dare I say socialist, civilization in the world.

What is wrong with socialism? I don't fucking understand why that's a bad word. As opposed to capitalism, like, capitalism is working. None of them work. Capitalism, communism, socialism, none of them work.

Because at the top, you're going to have the same psychological makeup. Fucking lunatics, sociopaths. They rise to the top and the rest of us sit here going, hey, man, like, I don't want to tell anybody what to do, man. We're all walking around like the dude, the big lebows, and we all get fucked over regardless with the happiest people and this and the second or third, depending on how you measure it. Largest economy, the USA.

Despite this, well, let's not fucking paint it all with rose colored glasses. I feel like Europe is always on the brink of another fucking world war.

The USA, despite the staggering levels of inequality, has always been a nation of abundance. It's not until large swaths of starving are threatened with starvation that people rise up and overthrow their government. Well, what the problem is over here is we're a giant group of mixed race people, you know, a bunch of different races and, you know, sociopaths have been able to convince ignorant white people that the problem in this country is not the rich people with the power that make the decision. It's somehow minorities and immigrants who have no fucking power. Somehow what they're doing, you know, is what's fucking everybody over.

It's not the insatiable corporate greed in every quarter they have to make more money. It's not that. You know what I mean? It really does amaze me how racists will look the opposite way of what white people have done to them, done to our food supply, our water supply.

I would say whatever. All the money that we had before we got involved in these fucking wars and how they just took it all, they fucking, you blow it up and we'll build it and we'll take all the money and go fuck yourself. And then they're like, you know, these goddamn immigrants.

Somebody floating over from Cuba on a fucking mattress with a bedspread he's holding onto as a sale is somehow fucking fucking your life up. But the, you know, these other guys are on the. Alright, I stole. I don't get it. I don't subscribe that.

However, I have an open mind. If you want to fucking write in and try to convince me otherwise, I'm all for it. Anyway, the. Where am I? Where was I?

See also the russian revolution in 1917, which was in large part motivated by mass, mass starvation. Well, what's fascinating now is the weaponry that a select group of, you know, back in the day it was guns versus guns, you know, whatever, swords versus sword. Now it's, it's like gun versus a fucking f 18 or whatever, whatever number they're up to now, as long as we remain fat and entertained here in the US, we will allow the government to fist fuck us. That's the way it is. The government is not doing.

The government works for the fucking people. And then the, the sociopaths pay off the government. That's what they do. That's why the government, that's why the president, when he retires, he goes around and he goes on a speech tour and gets paid five, $600,000 a night giving speeches. What he, what is he giving speeches about?

I don't fucking know. You're not president anymore. It's like a fucking coach given some pre game speech. And he's fucking retired. Why is he doing that?

Does he give speeches to people like you and me? No, he goes to the same fucking places that got him elected, and that's just them washing their bribe money. They pay him a ridiculous amount of money to come in there and talk for an hour, take pictures with them, give him 5600 grand, and that's his payoff for letting them put carcinogens in food. Hitting the head with a hockey puck. Dear Nia's husband, I am Nia's husband.

If you are. If you're actually reading this. Wow. What the. What the fuck is up?

I'm a huge fan. I was honored to finally see you live in Syracuse back in October with my fil. We did a daddy daughter date to see you and had a blast. What is an fi? I don't.

I don't. Anywho, I want to bring back a. Would you rather, like you used to do, would you rather get hit in the head by a professional? Okay, back in the day, we would do. What would you rather do?

Would you rather have this happen or that happen? Would you rather get hit in the head by a professional baseball or a professional hockey puck at a game?

I know there's no crying in baseball, but there's no pussy bitches allowed in hockey, so. Oh, man. Well, fans in both sports have died. A guy on the Dodgers hit a foul ball into the stands in the seventies and a kid died and somebody had a deflected shot at a Columbus bluejacket game and some poor little girl lost her life. So not the funniest topic.

I'd say a hockey puck, just because it just seems. What's heavier, though? It just makes more sense. Hockey, they're always losing teeth and going around with fucking two black eyes with a broken nose. Like baseball is supposed to be a cleaner sort of sport.

I think I would take the baseball. I think I'd take the. Jesus Christ. But I mean, both of them are traveling like the same, almost the same speed. So I would.

Can it be a wrist shot and an off speed pitch? Do I have. Do I have that or. We must be talking fast fastball and a slap shot. Anyway, the guy goes on to say, I asked this because I got in the hit by a.

I got hit in the head by a puck at a professional hockey game. Holy shit. I coordinated a date night for my husband and I was some friends. We got second row seats right on the side of the goal. I asked my husband when we sat down, am I going to get hit with the puck here, of course he goes, no way.

Well, seven minutes later, I'm looking down to text my babysitter, and wham, bam, thank you, ma'am. I take a puck right to the fucking dome. Thank God I was looking down. I could have. It could have been my eye or my nose.

Instantly covered in blood and shock. My stupid ass husband, who is a medical professional, parenthesis, pharmacist. Get the fuck out of here. He's not a doctor. Faints from the blood.

Oh, God.

Guess that's why he didn't go to medical school. She says, this woman's hilarious. The stupid bitch mother of the year sitting behind me, grabs my bloody ass puck from my seat and hands it to her kid. My puck. The fucking audacity.

Wow. Wow. Yeah, huh? Isn't there. There's got to be a rule.

If you get hit with the puck, you get the puck. Well, I'm sure that the team gave you an autographed jersey or something. I swear to God, if I wasn't in shock and had I realized she stole it, I would have put her ass in a full nelson. Oh, that would have been great. You were all bloody.

That would look. But it would look like one of those pay per view wrestling matches back in the day. So anyway, long story short, 20 stitches in total, and my scar is practically non. Not existent, I think. Non existence, which meant.

But never got my puck. Free tickets, free beer, and they didn't even put my bloody face on the jumbotron. This couldn't have been an NHL game. I'm from western New York and did marry a hockey family. Even my mil plays.

What does that mean? You said you called your daughter an f I l. I'm thinking that, like, firstborn, m I l. Anyway, the person goes on to say, so, getting hit with the puck is a badge of honor.

Yeah. And I think hockey fans are way more used to seeing blood. So when they carry you out and you're all fucking bloody, I think it would add to their experience. So you mean, as much as it's going to suck for you, I bet it was great for the other fans to see.

Yeah, I think you'd have to go baseball a hockey puck. I just think it's a lot harder. Um, I can tell you I took a half ass fucking wrist shot off my fucking toe one time and, like. Like, three toes turned purple. I mean, we, like.

I can't. Trying to think of it. Yeah, we did have goalies with pads, but, you know, one of those games. No lifting. Right.

Pond hockey. Shit. And the kid took the shot, and I wasn't doing anything on the ice, so I had to do something. So I fucking blocked the shot in a pickup game like a fucking idiot. And, yeah, I couldn't feel my foot, so.

I know a baseball hurts, but there's something about a baseball. Yeah, just. You are saying off the fucking head, though. That's a tough. You know what?

That's literally. That would be a coin flip. That would literally be a coin flip. I'm gonna flip this hanger right now in whichever way the hanger falls to the left, it's a puck to the right. To baseball.

Here we go. Boom. It's a baseball. All right, I'm going to take a baseball. Take a baseball in my big dome.

All right, that's the podcast. Everybody just know I am. I don't have a dog in the fight here with this. This presidential election, my whole thing. I want us to come together, guys.

Stop being mean online. Stop saying stupid shit. Stop trying to rile each other up, all right? This is not helping this country on any level. You are doing a disservice.

Stop getting excited that bad shit is happening to Trump. Stop being excited that Joe Biden has lost even more of his faculty. Try to get along with your fucking neighbor. Stop putting your stupid political opinions on the Internet or on your car or on your dumb fucking sign in your fucking yard. Nobody cares.

Everybody already knows who they're fucking voting for, which is fine. You know what would be great, is if CNN and Fox tried to get us all wound up again this year and they didn't succeed. You know, they just flick in the back of our ear, and we take the bait every time. And it'd be nice if we just stopped just to see what they would do. Like, oh, fuck.

Now. Now. How do we keep the fucking plate spinning? This goddamn circus. All right, that's it.

Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Monday Morning Podcast 6-3-24

Primary Topic

Episode Summary

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Episode Chapters

1: Introduction

2: NBA Finals Anticipation

3: Gender Roles in Sports Broadcasting

4: Political Commentary

5: Personal Anecdotes

Actionable Advice

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