Monday Morning Podcast 6-18-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 17, 2024. What's going on? Oh, yeah. How's it going?

Oh, I'm fucking busy today. This is gonna be patchwork trying to get this podcast done today. Old Billy. Big day, huh? Well, what do you think?

You're too good for us, Bill? You can't do a podcast on Monday because what you got? You got a big meeting, huh, you freckled cunt? No, I just got a bunch of bullshit today, and I was gonna do it yesterday, but yesterday was Father's Day. I had a great time with the wife and kids.

You know, they took me out to breakfast. They let me watch a little bit of the US Open. My kids. Anyway, you know, my son comes in, you know, he just starts attacking me. So, you know, he's four years old.

I push him to the side. I'm on the couch, and I put my leg across his chest, and I'm just laying there, and he goes, all right, all right, I'll stop. I'll stop. I go, you gotta stop. He's like, yeah.

And then I move it out of the way, and then he gets back up and hits me again and laughs. Here's something epic. My daughter said we were watching Lego Batman on Saturday night, and she was watching it. And that's the one with Will Arnett and Zach Galifianakis, who I've watched that movie, like, 20 times. I had no idea.

He did the voice of the Joker, which is so amazing. His performance in that is so funny. So anyway, she was watching the movie with me, and she goes, you know something? She goes, dad. She goes, Batman isn't a good guy or a bad guy.

He's just a man that's a jerk who thinks he's a vigilante.

So I go, what's. Oh, she said, vigilante. I go, what's a vigilante? And she goes, that's a man who shows off to women because he's trying to be cool, because he's embarrassed. That's what she said.

And I was like, ah, you know, I don't know. I mean, I think. I don't think you quite understand what a vig vigilante vigilante is, but you definitely understand a certain type of person that's a guy, a male or whatever. Did I crack my fucking screen in my phone? Oh, well.

Inhale, exhale. Smile. See, it's over. I've been doing that, man. I'm rewired rewiring my brain to fucking not flip out about that type of shit.

Anyway, so I did watch the US Open. Good Lord. Can somebody just, you know, win a major without some sort of heartbreak? There's always some sort of heartbreak. Shout out to Rory McElroy.

Man, was it. Bryson DeChambeau was a. Was ahead by a stroke, and what happened? He. I don't even think he bogeyed.

Rory just came pouring on, birdied three out of four holes, like 910 and twelve, and then DeChambeau bogeyed, and all of a sudden, Rory went from down one to, like, up. He was up two. I believe it was like, eight under to six under, and then he unfortunately missed a three footer and a three and a half footer on 17 and 18. And when he missed the one on 18, to go down a stroke on a major like that wasn't devastating enough. Like, ten assholes in the crowd started chanting, USA.

USA.

It's like, first of all, like. Like, what are you chanting USA for? Like, like they're playing fucking hawk. It's golf. There's no countries in golf.

Fuck that stupid skins game, whatever the hell it is. Davis cup, whatever the hell they call that. Who gets patriotic over a group of Americans going up against another country in golf? So dumb. It's so dumb.

You bring in, like, the Olympic energy to that. I think that's really stupid. And then also, who has a problem with fucking Ireland, England, the biggest fucking cunts on the planet. There you go. Other than that, right?

So I don't know. I was happy. DeChambeau, I'm hoping. I'm saying his name. I'm new to golf.

Bryson dechambeau won. I was really happy for him. I was happy with either one of them winning it, you know, because Rory, I know, is going through a divorce. So, like, you know, I could feel his ex wife spite the entire time he was there. So I was hoping he was going to win it, but unfortunately, it didn't happen.

And was it me? Was. Was the color commentator kind of being, like, really harsh with the criticism, or is he the greatest golfer of all time? He would just be like, yeah, that's not a good shot. That was not a good shot.

Like, a guy, like, halfway down the fairway, out of a trap, goes just to the right of the green, you know? He definitely wanted more out of this shot. Like, that couldn't be. It's just like, that was kind of a fucking great shot from that lie, right? Look at me talking the fucking jargon over here from that lie.

What about the. What about the rough? That rough was rough at Pinehurst. That fucking doctor seuss looking grass. It looked like they should have been, like, digging for clams.

It was, like, literally look like. I can't remember where, but I was on a beach one time in the morning. Overcast ginger, right? Speaking of which, I went to a dermatologist. You know, my wife saw me, like, looking.

Oh, what is this? You got to get this checked out or whatever. So I went there, you know, no skin cancer, thank God. They're just like, oh, those are normal. Those are liver spots.

And I'm like, what the fuck? Why do I have a liver spot on my arm?

Why? When a liver spot me, why wouldn't it be on my fucking liver? Um, I haven't drank in almost six years. Whatever. Anyway, speaking of that shit.

Oh, Billy. Oh, Billy's in the bubble. Oh, Billy's in the bubble, baby. I'm getting ready to do my special. I'm so friggin excited.

I got that big Tom Brady event behind me that was way bigger than me doing another dumb special. So feel great. Hit a home run on that thing, and the special is just going to be fun. But now I'm like, really? Like, seriously, you know, I know you guys knew I was doing, like, you know, my calisthenics and my toe touches, right?

I had that band around my belly, and I turned flip the switch. Remember you go, remember that shit? They thought that that would get rid of your belly fat. Just making it jiggle or whatever. It was like stomach twerking.

Wait a minute. Did black people take twerking from white people with their big white guts back in the day? Hmm. There's a couple of those things I wonder about. You know, the gay pride flag?

Did they take that from deadhead's t shirts? It's the exact same colors. I don't know. You ever think of being a little more original gay people? No.

Anyway, so I've. I've even cut dairy out. I'm just down to protein, vegetables, and copious amounts of water is what I'm doing. Hopefully. Fresh face trying to come limping in over the, flipping in over the finish line at 56 years of age.

And speaking of 56, I was watching some Lawrence Taylor highlights. To me, that's the greatest football player I ever saw. He had it all. He was like a superhero. He completely changed the position.

And did anybody look better in a uniform than that guy when the Giants were their whites? You know, when they had that blue helmet that said giants on the side in the white face mask with Lawrence Taylor. See, with my skin tone, I would have looked sickly. His skin tone with that white face mask, like nobody ever looked cooler. I still remember the first time him breaking out as a superstar.

I want to. It was a nationally televised game. I think it was thanksgiving. I don't know what it was, but whatever team it was, the Lions or whatever, they were down on the goal line and he intercepted this pass. They threw it out in the flat.

I believe he intercepted it and just took off running, and he was faster than any cornerback, you know, back in the day, I'm not going to lie to you, when a linebacker intercepted a ball, you know, he would get, you know, 2030 yards and then get run down by a receiver or running back or something like that, or maybe even a lineman. If a down lineman intercepted it, he'd run 2ft and get tackled. And then Lawrence Taylor in a corner was the only one yet, or a safety was the only one. They had a chance of, like, taking a pick six all the way if you were on the other side of the field, they were just too fucking slow. And that guy came along and was as fast, it seemed, as any wide receiver out there.

Maybe he had already, like, started to establish himself as one of the best linebackers in the league, and then he did that. I remember John Madden going on and on and on about how amazing he was and all the stuff he was doing to disrupt the play of whoever the hell they were playing. Disrupt the play of whoever they were playing.

Anyway, what did I want to talk about? The MotoGP race got canceled this weekend. Rescheduled, I should say. Rescheduled. I'm in my car here, dude.

This is what kind of a day I have here. Oh, Jesus. Gotta get out of here, man. It was getting fucking hot. Gonna sit here on the goddamn sidewalk, on the curb here like a goddamn bum.

So anyway, yeah, the MotoGP got canceled. Rescheduled, I should say. And I don't know, I had this crazy thought, you know, because I've been kind of paying attention to, like, you know, I've been practicing my French as always, and I might have some shows coming up there. We're trying to put something together in a small place, and the goal is I want to do my act and then speak French to the crowd in between. So I sort of baby step my way into becoming fluent on stage.

So they just had their elections over there in France, and a bunch of conservatives got in, like, far right. So the left is like, freaking out and blah, blah, blah. And it's just kind of weird, man. Like, it's almost like weather when you look at, like, these elections where, like, if you, if, if a low pressure system is next to a high pressure, high pressure goes to low pressure, that's what wind is. And the bigger the difference, the faster the wind moves, right?

So the air moves. And I'm kind of looking at, like, this, like, these elections and stuff. And it's just like, you know, people, like, here are looking, oh, my God. Like, how does this guy, you know, like, how does Donald Trump make sense to these people? He's clearly, you know, he's going, like, you know, January 6, it was a loving event.

Everyone had a good time. He's just completely just redefining it. And they're all like, yeah, you know, and what it is is what needs to happen here, I'm telling you, is we all have to have empathy and listen to either side. Because as much as that guy sounds to the left, like, all of this extreme shit on the right, that some dude with a beard is like, you gotta call me, you know, by these pronouns, you have to understand that people in the middle of nowhere like that, that's like, they're not ready for that. That's as nuts to them as Trump is to us.

So if you're gonna be doing that, like, you gotta, like, baby step our ways. We gotta get back to the middle, everybody is what I'm saying. Right. You know, back in the day, I remember, like, you know, I'm weird. Like, I used to be on the right, then I was on the left, and I'm kind of, like, I'm kind of sit here in the middle.

I'm just waiting for somebody to fucking make sense and not scared the shit out of me. And that hasn't happened in a while on either side. So I'm kind of thinking, like, you know, I don't think it's gonna happen. We're gonna have these two fucking old nitwits again over here. So I guess over in Europe, like, the same thing is happening, that it's never good when one side or the other is really making a hardcore push for their agenda.

And they're in this mindset of, like, this. You have to do this. Cause this is where it's gonna be or there's gonna be consequences. You do that, the other side, the left or the right is just gonna push back just as hard. And then you get into these fucking crazy eras, and next thing you know, there's a war so why doesn't everybody fucking relax and everybody just, why don't we all just take ten paces towards each other and fucking chill out and have a nice little breeze back and forth instead of a fucking tornado there?

All right, I gotta eat something here. This is patchwork, dude. This is what it's gonna be. It's gonna be in little 15 minutes sections today, but I will get this done. All right.

All right, I'm back. I'm back now. I'm sitting in another parking lot before I go into this friggin meeting. Oh, Billy. Oh, Billy.

Trying to sell an idea out here. Do you ever get tired of just, you know, just selling yourself and just asking people to care about whatever the fuck it is you're doing?

Anyway, yeah, I mentioned I am in the bubble. I am working out this weekend. I have, I believe, four shows in San Jose, California, which is going to be a great time, if you guys got any recommendations up there, good coffee spots. I mean, it's gonna have to be, you can't hide, you know, if I'm just drinking espressos, right? Anybody can hide behind, you know, a little bit of cream and sugar.

By the way, underrated iced coffee, huh? Gee, Bill, you're going out on a limb, aren't you? What are you gonna say? What are you gonna say next, bill, huh? Fucking chocolate ish.

Yummy. Anyways, let's get down to talking about what fucking matters. The Boston Celtics and the Florida Panthers are both up three games to one. The Dallas Mavericks and the Edmonton Oilers both avoided being swept in game four. What is going to happen, the Celtics play tonight, game five at home at the TD Bank North Boston Garden.

I was down there the other day getting my kids some Celtics gear. Nothing that said finals on or whatever, just a couple of t shirts. You know, they grow out of them. You know, my kids are out here, and I can't have them poisoned by becoming fans of the Clippers, you know? No, the Lakers, the fakers, saying they have fucking.

The Los Angeles Lakers have 17. No, you don't. You don't. The Minneapolis slash Los Angeles Lakers have 17. Okay?

Like Laker fans, what would you do if fucking the Lakers moved to Vegas next year, won a title, and then everybody in Vegas was going, we have 18. I think you get a little upset. I think you get so upset, we could actually see your fucking forehead move again. Huh? Maybe mush around, you know, some of that botox.

The fuck is people. What are they doing? Walking around injecting whatever that shit is into your face.

You're out of your fucking mind.

I do find that funny, though. People, you know, freak out about, I'm not gonna take this, I'm not gonna take that. If the government says, you gotta take it, but then they'll, you know, it's my choice. My choice to fucking shoot these fucking chemicals in my face or take testosterone. That's my other favorite one.

It's totally natural for your testosterone to drop off, and now people are taking it to make sure that it doesn't, and it's just like, all right there, guinea pig, we'll see what happens. Good luck to you. We'll see you on the other side. You know, I think it's gonna lead. I mean, it's gonna lead to, like, you know, the PGA has, like, a seniors.

The seniors tour, they're gonna have that with, like, fighters. They're just gonna have to do something with all that testosterone pumping through their veins. And they can't fight somebody young. Cause they'll get the shit kicked out of them. But then I just think they're gonna.

They're like, fight each other. You had bum fights, right? This would be like. I don't know, what would you call. What do you call it?

What's a. It's a derogatory term for old people, you old coot. It's really not a good one. Is there a word that you can call an old person?

Like, old people in general, I mean, call somebody an old bag, an old fart fart fights. Old fart fights. You know, you put alliteration in there. You know, someone's. Somebody's gonna order the fight, right?

Anyway. Ah, Christ. I'm sitting here in a parking lot, and I'm reading this sign. It says, pastries and caff and coffee.

Who the fuck gets a pastry?

That shit just funny to me. Going in and get a pay. I understand. Ice cream and cookies. Cake on your birthday.

But a fucking pastry, you know, I like. What is that? What was a Danish?

Now wait a second. What is it? Is it. Is it croissant? Is that a pastry?

I have no idea. What do you guys do if you see my next special? And I am. I am in just absolutely shredded shape, but unfortunately, in July, like, the second I went back, I just fucking went off the rails and just look like this fucking gingered Michelin man. I could do it.

My 600 pound life, my 600 pound fucking ginger. I'd be like the fucking white whale in Moby Dick. This is how I would do it. If I was gonna balloon up to 600 pounds, this is how. This is how I would do it.

Burgers and fries, pizza. Gonna name all the shit I can't eat anymore. Burgers and fries, pizza.

Wait a minute. What the fuck else is there? Donuts. All those will take you down. Get out.

Go. Get out there. Get a fucking rack, you know, half a rack. Six fucking donuts. Six glazed.

You know, I. Fat people love glazed donuts. They don't even have to chew. They just put it in their mouth like fucking tobacco.

They just tuck it in their whole fucking donut, right in their jowl, and they just leave it there. Except they don't spit. They just fucking swallow the sugar.

Anyway. I haven't watched one of those shows in a long time.

Just watching those people eat, man, was fucking fantastic. I mean, I felt bad for everything, but, like, you know, just watching somebody doing it like that, it's just like watching somebody do blow into their fifties and just being like, yeah, you know, one of these days I'm just gonna fucking have a heart attack and die. But, you know, there's a part of you where you look at them like, you know, like, what's that? Like, it's gotta be amazing to just say, yes, I'm having a yes day. Like every fucking day.

Just get out of the way. Maybe that's the way to fucking thin the population, is you stop putting information out there about the stuff that's bad for you and just tell everybody to steer into it. Or you tell everybody that the world is going to end in, like, 15 years and there's absolutely nothing we can do about it. So indulge. All right?

But just know that, you know, no one's going to help you. All right? Hospitals and ambulances are now illegal. And just watch people falking and sulking donuts.

Just complete absolute gluttony. What is going on? How do I get a notification? Oh, I didn't put it on airplane mode. Airplane mode.

Guys, could you put your fucking phones on airplane mode? Great. Now there's kids walking by my car and I'm out in here cursing, talking to myself.

Anyway, so we'll see. We'll see if the Celtics get it done tonight. I'm not going to see it. I'm going to record the game and then I'll watch. You know, I'm kind of glad the fucking Mavericks kicked the shit out of us.

I think that's a good thing. I think the reason why they kicked the shit out of us so bad was because they were down three games to none, you know, so they came in with that fire in their eye. And now, you know, we should be coming back, being like, all right, well, these guys are obviously have woken up, so we got a job to do. Let's get out there and get it done.

So anyway, now that I have trashed or made fun of the Lakers, rest in peace, Jerry West.

I always liked that guy. Just total class act. He had that rare combination of, like, he was a total class act and then was, like, ridiculously competitive, would, like, talk shit while being classy all at the same time. And I believe, isn't he the silhouette for the NBA logo? So we should.

We shall see what happens with that. Now that he's passed away, there's no way that they're gonna change it, because some people were saying, like, why do we have a white guy as, like, the symbol of the NBA? Right? At which point, white people could be like, I don't know. Cause we started the league.

Do we get any credit for that? I know black people dominated it, but we at least started it. Can we, can we. Can we do that? Never seems to work that way.

But if you had to pick somebody, they should switch it up. They should switch it up. Like, if the NBA, you know, I don't know, corporations gets weird about their logos. Like, you know, that's got to be consistency. It's got to come at the exact same time.

There has to be the stupid fucking music underneath it. Just like, all those people in the room, like, looking at analytics about a logo and doing test studies and just dragging homeless people, you know, off the fucking street, taking their fucking bud tall out of their hand. You want it back? You want it back? You tell us which one you like.

Don't fucking lie to us. Well, dump this down the sink, right? Whatever they do, whatever those fucking people do in those rooms. Let's do some reads here for the week. Oh, look who it is, everybody.

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Things we didn't ask for. Hey, Bill, I really appreciate your takes. Over the last 15 years, you're batting almost 900 in my book when it comes to all the evil shit that's happening. Yeah. Am I right?

You know, I've done pretty good for myself. That whole one world currency and government thing to make sure we have less to say about our lives is happening every day. But no one seems to care. Yeah, no, people care. They're just silenced and called crazy people.

And the rest of people are taking payoffs, or they're part of it, or they just in the dark and they don't know. For example, we're being forced to have all our technology integrated with AI. There are a million things to complain or worry about here, but I'll pick one. The fact that AI makes decisions for us changes the whole point of picking up a tool. If I picked up a hammer and it constantly guided me in a direction of use, it would essentially control me.

The algorithm is an early version of this. Yeah, but you could fuck with the algorithm, can't you? Like, I remember I would go on Netflix, and if I remember, I watched. I always talk about this. I watched one of those narcos seasons, and then everything was about narcos and behind the scenes in prisons.

So then I just watched japanese anime just to fuck with it, to flip it around. But, um, the weird thing about people in power and people having money is they're incredibly paranoid and fearful that it's all going to go away. Are they going to be figured out or anything? So they need, like, a ridiculous, unhealthy level control. They're all.

They're fucking sick people. They really are sick people, but they have the money. So all these watchdog people, you know, they keep their fucking mouths shut, and then they just go after dumbass shit. You know what I mean? Like a stand up comedian who does a show in Berkeley, and you write half my joke and make it seem like I trashed liberals when I was really baiting conservatives so I could say that I hated both sides.

And then you leave all of that out there so you can fucking put it into your fucking. Whatever. Whatever your bullshit is in your newspaper. That's one of the coolest things about just being in the public eye a little bit, is that's when you just realize all of these newspapers are just lying their fucking asses off and they're spinning everything to whatever their ideology is, the left and the right. Great example of that was last week, a couple weeks ago, when I did a show and I trashed both liberals and conservatives, and conservative papers picked it up, and all they talked about was when I trashed liberals.

Is that reporting? I don't think it is. I don't think it is. Anyways, this person says, my kids lives are going to be nothing like mine. Granted, my childhood was different than my parents and grandparents.

The difference now is beyond understanding. If a tech company wants to add AI to their shit, that's their business. But now our military and government service are talking about integrating it in huge ways.

Okay, so I like that. That's. That's the usual thing. So we. We now have something to be paranoid about.

And there's. Is there any way to organize people to say, we don't want that stuff? You know, I don't know. It's weird. I don't understand those people.

Like, why. What are they so afraid of, people making their own decisions? Why are they afraid of people just living their fucking lives? I don't understand it. Why does everything have to be rammed down your throat or secretly, you know, some backdoor shit?

And my favorite thing is incognito mode. Like, oh, you don't know that I'm on this porn website because I'm in incognito mode. It's like, are you out of your. That's just to make you feel better. There's definitely.

They're watching every fucking thing that you're doing. The end of the day, if you don't cause a revolution, no one's gonna care. But if you become a fucking problem, then they'll use all of that shit against you. Well, I don't know what the fuck they're gonna do. Us.

Guidelines for food and drug stink. Wilfred the wise. Thank you for always railing against the food companies. I just saw a clip going around where you talk about them poisoning the food supply, and there were tens of thousands of views and so many comments about how you're the only one who talks about this stuff publicly all the time. So did you hear that Italy banned fake meat?

You know, that processed stuff that is nothing like meat at all, that is cheaper to make sure to make, and surely lacking the proper minerals and nutrients found in actual meat, not only are we cool with it here in the US, we give tax breaks to these companies because someone is jerking someone else off up there. Yeah, all of these. They actually infiltrated the watchdog groups. Goes back to the Reagan years when they started doing that. Hey, man, you don't want government in your life.

You don't want government in there telling you what to do. Like the government gives a fuck what I'm doing. What it really was was the corporations made it seem like the government was going to infiltrate our lives. What they really were doing was they were watching the corporations. They were sort of putting a governor on their level of greed and sociopath behavior.

And over the years, it all got deregulated, basically from Reagan to Clinton. I think Clinton was the last one that deregulated something on the banks that finally opened the door for 2008 to happen. And, yeah, so all of these, you know, the FDA and all of these places where they're supposed to be watching us, you know, from what I've read, I don't know if it's true or not. They basically got infiltrated by food companies putting their own people in there to push through drug companies and all of that. But that's not important.

That's not important. Let's fucking. Let's watch an award show and see what this actor says about fucking somalia. All right? Where am I?

They give them tax breaks. Meanwhile, they're making it impossible for farmers to do their job with every ass backwards law that gets passed. The other one is Ozempic. I just heard that it is illegal in all other countries except Canada. It's wild how fucking stupid we are over here.

We're not stupid. We're uninformed. And they got us battling each other with CNN and Fox News. It's. This is not a good thing.

These people are crazy. The direction that they're sending us in, it's almost like none of these people making these decisions care about us. Who would have thought?

Well, I mean, I just think it's so fucking corrupt at this point. How do you. And the momentum is going so far? I don't have any. You know, that's why, you know, they have the Celtics versus the Mavs tonight.

Bread and circus for you. All right. Groomsman buying my husband a $6,000 wedding gift. Oh, whoa.

Unless you guys are in Illuminati, what is this person trying to do? Hi, Bill. My fiance and I are huge fans, and he especially loves listening to your podcast. I'll cut to the chase. We've been together for eight years and getting married this fall.

He loves watches, and I've been really excited to surprise him with one of one with one for the wedding. This would be more money than I've spent on anything other than my house, and I've been saving up for many months. He has a wealthy groomsman that has always loved to flaunt his money and is always getting him expensive gifts for birthdays or life events. Parentheses, when he bought his house. Wait, he bought your fiance a house?

Anyway, he told me the other day that he bought my fiance a nearly $6,000 watch as a wedding present, and I burst into tears right in front of my fiance when I got the message. I'm so mad at myself ruining the surprise, but more mad that his groomsman thinks this is an appropriate wedding gift. I hate that one of his friends is buying him the same caliber of wedding gift that his wife, me, is getting him. I don't know why, but I just feel so sick to my stomach over it. Do I need to get over myself?

Is this a normal thing to get for a friend? If you have a lot of money, we appreciate any advice. Thanks, Bill. No, it's totally Douchey. That's the male version of the chick that shows up the wedding and tries to look prettier than the fucking bride, you know what I mean?

And shows up with something that is really elegant but also hoary and tries to, like, steel focus.

The only thing I can say in defense of this guy is it seems like he does it all the time. At least he's generous with his money. But there is an outside chance that he doesn't realize, you know, if he's got a little bit of narcissism, narcissism. He might not realize that this wedding is not about him, that he should just go up there and just say he's happy for the two of you and wish you luck and all of that stuff and say that he loves you guys, and then that's it. Say a couple things funny.

I don't know what you're making a year, but if you're saving up that amount of money, you're obviously not making what he's making. So he must know on some level that what he's buying him is going to be worth more than you. And then why did he have to tell you that this, you know what? This guy's. He's.

He's really self involved if he is a narcissist. What I've learned dealing with people like that is you don't take what they do personally. You just view them as mentally ill, which is what they are. So I hate to say it when you burst into tears. If he's a narcissist, he probably fucking savored that, you know, because he got a reaction out of you.

And then he gets to act like, you know, what did I do? I mean, I love my bro. I don't think you need to get over yourself. I think that guy needs to, you know, learn some sort of etiquette. Or maybe.

I don't know, maybe he's gay and maybe this is his last hail Mary. Maybe he thinks your husband's a bit of. Your husband to be, is a bit of a whore and he can buy his affection with a watch.

I don't know. These things are above my pay grade. But I bet if you write in, I will take a guess. I am not trained in any of these areas, but I think. I think you are right to be upset about it.

All right. Advice on quitting dream job. Hey, Billy boy, I'm in a tough spot. Three years ago at 26, I quit my day job and switched to playing music full time in a covered band. It required a ton of downsizing in life, but we are finally making a livable wage from it.

The problem is that in order to do this, nearly every Thursday through Saturday, I am playing a show. Sometimes in order to make enough to get by. We are playing shows six days a week. In the summer we play weddings, which takes up the entire weekend. All my free time is during the day on weekdays, an inverted schedule of all my friends and family.

I found my dream job, but I cant stand the isolation that comes with the lifestyle. When I quit my job, I thought I was finally going to be living on my terms. But I feel like the rest of my life, outside of playing shows, is nothing like I want it to be. I'm thinking of going back to a more regular nine to five job and making the gigging. Making gigging a once in a while hobby.

Am I crazy to have gotten out of the rat race only to want back in? Big fan. I would really appreciate advice from someone like you who I think has waged similar sacrifices in the beginning of your entertainment career and maybe even now. Um, yes, that is a fantastic question. Um, but unfortunately, I have my.

Well, it's not gonna be unfortunate for you. I'm just gonna hit stop here. I will answer this momentarily in your life in about a fucking hour and a half. In mine. All right, now back.

Here we go. Old Billy Patchwork over here. All right, so the question was, you guys remember it? Um, all right, there's no reason to go into full on panic mode here. There is that weird thing when you go after a dream, and then your dream becomes a job, and then the job becomes a grind.

It's like anything else. But the great thing about the job you have is you can decide when you want to work and when you don't want to work. Um, I don't think, because you don't seem to have a social life during the middle of the week, that that's a reason to go back to the rat race. Um, I just think that you need to be hanging out with people that have the same schedule as you. Um, which I don't think is as rare as you think it is.

Um, I do remember my first road gig I ever did. I was in Martha's vineyard, and I did this gig down there for a comedian by the name of Billy Martin, who's now, like, the head showrunner guy over at bill Marr show.

And I remember that first night vividly. There was a, you know, and I was living, you know, in the suburbs of Boston, and I literally drove down to woods hole, took the boat over, did the gigs, slept there that night, and then came back. But that was the first night on the road where I was by myself, sleeping in a bed that was not mine, and I was all alone. And I do remember thinking, like, wow, this is crazy. Like, I don't know.

I don't know if I can do this. Like, this is like just experiencing that. The first time I got over it quick, but. And then there was other times, you know, struggling times, working hard and not seeming to get noticed or getting screwed over or, you know, some unforeseen expense, and you're like, oh, my God. Just when I felt like I could relax a little and that, you know.

Cause it takes a lot of balls to kind of leave the nine to five life I don't know about now the corporations have so decimated it, you might as well go take a shot. But listen, ultimately, this whole decision is gonna have to be yours. But I don't think. Because, you know, all my friends are like, you know, working Monday through Friday. Well, then you gotta, you know, I'm not saying to get rid of those friends.

But I basically. When I became a comedian, then most of my friends ended up. My new friends were comedians, and we hung out at work and all of that type of stuff, and then. But I still maintained my core group of friends. In fact, when I did that gig at Gillette and they asked for my guest list, anyone who wasn't my family, they were all the guys I had season tickets with in 1989.

So it was really cool to come back and hang with them. So I've still been friends with them, and we have completely different schedules. But I don't know. I feel like I'm just meandering here because I don't know. I don't know what you want to do in the music business.

There's a bunch of different areas you can go into. I know, like, making tracks for people for, like, you know, background music on Instagram and stuff. I would think you could make a fucking small fortune doing that if you want to get out of the grind of weddings and all of that stuff. But I would also talk to your bandmates and people like that and just ask them, you know, how do you deal with Monday through Friday when all your friends are working and then they're off on the weekend and then you're, you know? I don't know, man.

Yeah. It'll be like, up to you, but I don't want to sit here and tell you to fucking give up on your dream. Just do whatever the fuck you want to do. But, like, from the outside, I don't think, like, well, I got nobody to hang out with, you know, during the fucking week. Go find some.

Somebody's got to be doing something. See, you're. You're a working musician now, so now you are in. You're running with, like, strippers, comedians, people in the restaurant industry, they have crazy schedules. You know, data waitress.

They always. They're always working weekends, and then they fucking their Monday, Tuesdays, their Friday and Saturday night.

I have to tell you, just, like, early on, that was weird to me, but then it's still special to me that I can do whatever the hell I want to do. It's not really true now. I mean, I got the wife and kids, but, like, back in the day that, like, if I wanted to go get something to eat or I wanted to go see a movie or whatever, you know, during the day, those things. Those days were mine when they used to be somebody else's and I had to work on somebody else's dream. So I don't know.

Just follow your heart. And you'll be fine. All right? I have stressing out to do because I have to sit down and watch this game. I am going to watch it in real time.

A buddy of mine just said he's coming by to watch it, so, you know. Here we go. Here we go. Just get it fucking done, dude. All right, that is the podcast.

I apologize that it was so late. I just. I don't know. It was just one of these days. Yesterday was Father's Day.

I didn't want to, like, you know, fucking do a podcast the end of the night, you know, not fucking working on Father's Day, okay? It's goddamn my day. Did you, by the way, how many commercials did you see for Father's Day? Zero.

Nothing fucking promoting that shit. Did they wear special jerseys? And MLB, here's your father's day home jersey. Let the dad you know in your life versus the dad who actually made your stepfather. Let him know how much you appreciate him other than your biological father by buying him a limited edition Red Sox right fielder jersey.

Although these things are special. I saw him up close, said, that's a sharp piece of equipment. I'll tell you what's really stupid, fucking sports memorabilia. It used to be cool when they just sort of randomly made it, when good shit happened. Now they just constantly having these wacky hats and shit like that.

And you know what ends up happening? It all ends up fucking shrink wrapped underneath your fucking bed, and no one gives a shit about it.

Sorry. All right, so we learned anything from this podcast, all right? AI is coming. It's not our decision. They're going to control us.

Extreme left people think extreme right people are crazy. Extreme right people think extreme left people are crazy. If we could all just sort of walk towards each other and be like, hey, man, I'm cool with you as long as you don't do anything fucked up with them. And then they could be like, hey, man, you know, not for nothing, every bathroom's gender neutral. If there's a toilet in there, if there's a shitter, right?

And then we all just sort of come together and everybody fucking relaxes and everybody stops yelling each other on the Internet. I like to think no one listens to my podcast does that. But if you're doing that, you're not making the world a better place, and you're most likely arguing with the robot.

All right, that's it. That's it from me, a guy who doesn't know shit. I'll fucking talk to you guys on Thursday. Go fuck yourselves. And have a great couple of days.

Monday Morning Podcast 6-18-24

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1: Family and Father's Day

2: Golf and the US Open

3: Political and Social Commentary

4: Life Updates and Preparations

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