Monday Morning Podcast 6-10-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, June 10, 2024. What's going on? How are you? How's it going, everybody?

Happy Monday. Did you have a good weekend? You know, one Monday's usually a bummer, man. You know, it's funny we say it's a bummer, man. That, like, came from, like, the west coast out here.

You know, getting bummed in England means somebody fucking stuck it in your ass. So when you go over to England, don't say you're fucking bummed out. It was a bummer or whatever. Um, anyway, uh, today's my birthday. Happy birthday to me happy birthday to me happy birthday, dear Billy happy birthday to you.

You ball. Ginger.

Anyway, I had a fantastic fucking weekend. You don't. I mean, and, you know, at my age, you know, it's great birthdays. Everybody just leaves me the fuck alone. It's fantastic, you know, be around.

Hey, man, what's going on? You know, a little fist bump here, a little fist bump there. I'm all fucking good. Look at me. It's my birthday.

I'm laying down doing this podcast. You should lay down. You know, studies have shown that people say that new evidence shows. And you're doing it right now, and you're feeling better.

Did I cover all bases of how fucking people with no background in whatever the fuck they're about to give you information about? Do you like coffee? Here's a great coffee ice cream fucking recipe. Take honey and yogurt and some fucking peanut butter and pecan. That's not ice cream.

It's not ice cream? It's not ice cream. All right? I don't fucking give a shit what world you live in. I just.

I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it. You're doing this exercise, and your back has never felt better. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it.

It was like that lady the other day. Can we get a picture? You and who else? No, no. You and me.

Well, we don't want a picture. You want a picture? I don't want a picture. I want to fucking continue on my fucking day. Can I get a picture?

That has driven me up the fucking wall. I've gone back and forth on that, like, tennis going like, no, wait, was I wrong? Is it. Can we get a picture? No, it isn't.

It's. It's. Can I get a picture?

If I was walking down the street and I ran into some fucking drummer that I was a fan of. Oh, my God. I'm the biggest fan of. Would it be okay if I get a picture? I wouldn't be like, can we get a picture?

Stand there by myself.

I think I'm right. Listen, I'm either right about that or I'm right about the home court advantage. One of the fucking other. One of those ones. But I'm probably.

Who knows? I'm at that age. I'm at that age, man. I'm probably wrong about both. You know what song?

I downloaded some cool songs this weekend. Little river band reminiscing we'll go walking through the darks oh, no we'll go dancing in the dark walking through the park and reminiscing hurry, don't be late da da da da da the fucking musicianship on that. And all these stupid fucking hipsters go around. They call it yacht rock and all of that. Let's see, you cunts put away your fucking lap laptops and all your fucking samples and just go out there with instruments in your own voice and no, fuck.

None of this fucking shit. Singing with the track. I want to hear you do it. I want to hear you do it. I'll tell you who's doing it.

You guys familiar with the comedic actor by the name of Ken Marino somehow? I was on YouTube when I came across. He does all of these covers of songs. I had no idea. He's got a great voice.

I took an acting class with him, like, 90 years ago, but I had no idea he could sing. He has an unbelievable voice and he's playing with, like, these fucking studio musician level guys and they absolutely fucking kill it. And I clicked on one and then I just kept going and going and going. And they were. They were.

They were amazing. Check it out on. I think it's on YouTube. I believe that's where they put them up. But anyway, getting back to the little river band, I always thought that they were like Kansas.

You know, they would. They just. They were sort of from fucking the, you know, middle America or some shit. They all kind of came out at the same time. But it was actually an australian band and the lead singer was from England.

Incredible fucking voice.

I downloaded that and then I downloaded laid back white horse. You know, if you want to ride, don't ride the white horse. And you know what's funny is that they're from. I think. I think they're Dutch.

And you can't really tell until the guy says. He says, bitch, if you want to be rich. Okay, cool. You got to be a bitch. And you can't really tell.

And then he just goes, you bitch.

All of a sudden, he sounded like he's fucking, you know, Schwarzenegger adjacent. And what else? I downloaded couple UFO live. Some people were telling me to check that out. I'm just kind of all over the map.

And there was something else I saw that day. La Soul. You know, they got the drumbeat from this and all of that. And I downloaded one of the songs that they built a track on. I just had like the perfect weekend.

I did a couple shows in Denver, Colorado, and two shows. And then I had a rare day off, and I was working with Dean Del Rey. He has a friend of his out there that works for Ducati. And he hooked us up with some motorcycles and we met out near like red rocks. And we fucking rode around in the Rocky mountains in Colorado for like fucking 4 hours, maybe three.

I don't know. It was like we rode for an hour and a half and we got lunch at the hotel where they shot the shining. So it was fucking amazing. And that was amazing. Alone, just to see it, you're like, oh, my God.

And in the front they have like, you know, they more have like these little standing look like little, like shrub Christmas trees. Like there's. They don't have the maze there, but they kind of have a little one just for like tourists. If people remember. I mean, the fucking movie's almost 50 years old.

And then of course you go in and it's. It's different because they built like a set and everything, but the front, you know, is where they shot it. You know, Scatman crothers coming up in that little fucking snowplow thing and all of that stuff. And it was. It was amazing.

I wrote a. I always forget how to say the Ducati Diablo. I don't know what it was.

Wasn't the El Diablo or. What are the Diablo? Diablo. I don't know. I wrote it down.

I don't know how to say it. Like most things, I'm just. I'm a fucking idiot when it comes to it. Let me see if I knew what the hell it was. D I a v e l.

Diavel. I have no idea. So we sort of rode in the parking lot for a minute so I could kind of get used to it. And that's the first time, you know, I've cut them, you know, in a long time. Like rode down the street where there's cars and shit.

There's pretty much cars the whole way up. But there was, like, three of us riding, so it wasn't that bad. And they kind of had me in the middle till they realized that I was going to be all right. It did fine. You know, there was big sweeping turns, which weren't that bad.

And then, you know, some tighter turns or whatever. We had the Bluetooth going. We got up, you know, after. After lunch, we went up higher elevation, and all of a sudden it was getting cooler and started raining a little bit. Then we just sort of rode through that.

There was some construction we had to stop. We went through, like, three tunnels. That made me feel like I was in, like, mission impossible and just the most insane scenery I've ever seen. It was just incredible. And, you know, it was just all back roads, no highway.

At one point, we had to get on the highway just for, like, one exit, but by then, I'd been riding the bike for, like, three, 4 hours. I was pretty confident, you know, and the thing just had so much friggin power compared to what I'm, you know, I got that little royal Enfield, you know? So anyway, um, we came all the way back to red rocks, and the second I parked it, I text my wife and club soda, Kenny. I'm like, I'm fine. Nothing happened, you know?

Cause I knew, you know, everybody's all, you know, you got your special coming up. Da da da da da. It's like, dude, I'm not gonna be riding like a fucking maniac, or we're gonna be out there. There's gonna be nobody there. Then, of course, there were, you know, people there where they weren't driving like assholes.

So it was a nice, leisurely drive. Nothing crazy happened or anything, but it was. I couldn't believe it. And then the next day we wake up. Oh, and then also I went to, like, two, three places that just had fucking great coffee in Denver.

Denver's really just a great city, and the crowd was awesome both nights. And then the next day, we flew into Oakland, drove up to Berkeley, and I got to play the greek theater, which is, like, 120 years old or something like that. They had pictures of, like, Teddy Roosevelt being there, so I got a kick out of that. Teddy Roosevelt and now me. So, yeah, it reminded me of doing, like, the acropolis in Greece or going to the Yale bowl or Harvard stadium and, like, these really old places.

And I went out. The show was, like, at 630. It was broad daylight. It was kind of weird, but it was funny because I could see the whole crowd. Some guy in a Lakers jersey yelled out, Boston sucks.

Which was hilarious. It's like, all right, I don't. Okay, I get it. You don't like us. I mean, I don't.

Why would you yell that when we're in the finals and you guys didn't make the playoffs? I don't know why you would choose to do that, but. All right, so I had a little back and forth with him and my act just kind of went perfect. And I was really. Made me feel really confident about doing my special later on.

And anyway, so I'm doing the show and, like, it couldn't be any cooler. Les Claypool from Primus and his wife came out, Molly Schminke from the punchline. Bunch of friends came out, and in the end, I said good night, got a standing ovation. And I bring Dean back out and he's. And Les is walking out.

So I was like, oh, Les is from here. Maybe he just wants to say a little crowd. I go, hey, Les, clay pool from Primus or whatever. And then Dean takes the mic or whatever and goes, hey, it's Bill's birthday on Monday. Let's sing him happy birthday.

And everybody there who didn't leave sung me happy birthday with Les leading them singing. It was so fucking cool.

And it was just. I don't know. I can't even explain it. If you basically told, you know, old freckles back in the day, you know, when I was sitting there, the first time I heard Primus was at sailing the seas of cheese. And, you know, Tim Alexander immediately became one of my favorite drummers.

And I was trying to figure out all of his shit and all this and all of that thrash and all my brothers trying to get me fucking to play double bass. And I'm like, I can't switch a double bass till I can play good times, bad times. Play single bass drum pedal. Right?

The second I heard Tim playing, I wanted to play double bass. He was the one that got me to play. If you told me all these years later that not only would I be a comedian, that Les would come out and I'd be playing a place that big and they'd sing me happy birthday, I probably would have had a fucking heart attack and died. So, um. I don't know.

It's weird. Like, my birthday's today. I feel like I already had it. It was. It was that great of a weekend.

So I want to thank Jason at Ducati and everybody that came out to my shows, Dean less, everybody that sang happy birthday alive to my jokes. I just had a. Really. Had a fucking great time, man, you know? And I found this.

Dean found this whole area, hipster area down in, you know, Denver that I had never been to. Had all these cool shops and shit. We were just sort of walking around on our day off after riding motorcycles. What was the name of that fucking coffee place I went to? Municipal or something.

I can't remember. I wrote it down, but I went in there, and not only was the coffee great, they were killing it with the fucking music. It was funny. It was like, sort of, like, melancholy, like seventies. Maybe that's why I downloaded the.

Oh, no, I had already downloaded the little river thing. Let me see. Places to go. All right, this is where I went. Metropolis.

Yeah. Metropolis coffee. Then I went to this place on Mont am a n t e coffee. They had a double shot latte. That was incredible.

And then for breakfast, I went to snooze at Union Station. So shout out to all of those places. They were all fantastic.

Oh, and also, Sarah Silverman was in town, so I got to see her for, like, a second. It was like the perfect fucking weekend. And as if it couldn't get any better, the Boston Celtics are up two games to none, 14 and two in the playoffs. And you know what's funny is I've been watching. I haven't watched a second of the, uh, the NBA Finals yet.

I have the games taped. But I'm a married man with two kids, and I can't put my kids through it. I am not emotionally built to watch basketball around kids. It's the most frustrating thing. Because you're up by 20.

Oh, yeah, we're gonna fucking kill him. And the next thing you know, it's tied. You're down by three. Or the other team comes back and wins. And everybody.

Oh, you know, it's a game of runs. It's a game of runs. I don't fucking get it. I mean, it's starting to happen now in football where, like, no game is over, but, like, there's nothing like it in basketball. And I'm just not built for it.

And I don't want to be sitting there screaming, motherfucking, fucking cunt. Which I would have been doing in front of my kids. As much as I tried not to, I would have done that. And the end result would have been we were still up two games to none. So what was the point of losing my shit like that?

And it's just, like, my wife and kids are just too important for me to do that. I just can't do it anymore. I watch golf.

I watch golf and I watch motorcycle racing. That's what I do.

There's just. I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. It's just like golf. I'm just rooting for everybody.

And occasionally someone will putt or something. It'll start to go around the lip and kick out. Occasionally I'll be like, oh, man, God damn it. I'll say something, but it's not like when I watch, like, an actual sport, you know, I just fucking lose it. I saw the Florida Panthers are up one game to none.

I just hope that, you know, they're starting to remind me of those awful New Jersey Devil teams that won the cups. Remember how fucking mind numbingly boring the hockey was when the Devils were making a run? It was just, oh, my God, just dump and chase, and the goalie would come out and. And they would fucking win games. One nothing, two nothing.

I don't know. And just all of that clutch and grab. It wasn't just the devil's football. I just remember, like, you know, the. The Red Wings and abs rivalry was the only thing keeping the NHL above their neck, above the water during that whole awful clutch and grab.

And when you combine the clutch and grab with them, playing the fucking, whatever you want to call it, the trap or the lock, and the goalie could come out and then not to mention, like, you know, you could be following through on your shot, and somebody could just come by three strides and put their shoulder into your fucking jaw and end your career.

Wasn't a lot of goals being scored now, I don't understand why they just didn't make, you know, the trap or the lock, whatever you want to call it, why they just don't make that illegal. Like, you can't play that way. You know, why don't they just make it illegal, like, the fucking NBA? They're just like, these guys are getting too big, you know? And then it was just, like, a three second rule, and then eventually they overcorrected.

Now the. The fucking offensive guy can't even be in there, so I don't know. There's got to be a happy medium between that, I would think, however. So I hope it. You know, I hope it's a good series or whatever.

It's kind of great, because you're either going to see the Panthers win their first one, or you're going to get to see the Oilers not only win their first one since 1990, but it's the first time Canada would get a cup since 93. So I think I'll probably I hate to be saying this. I'll probably be watching more of that than I will the Celtics. I feel like what I do is I tape the Celtics, and then I just watch after my kids go to bed. I already know the results.

I can just fucking relax. If we're gonna lose, just. I won't be flipping out, screaming, and it's, you know, I'm doing it for the kids. You know, I. Just kidding.

Plus, when I lose my shit now, and I curse or swear, as we used to say when I was a kid, I. You know, every time I. It's a fine. And I owe my daughter, like, $5. So ever since we've been doing it, I mean, I.

I don't know. I'd probably give him like, $40. I've been doing really well. I told you that G's, that George St. Pierre thing.

He made that video, and he was talking about road rage. I've done it now. You know that whole, like, before you flip out, just big inhale. Big exhale and then smile. Smut.

That's this fucking inhale. And exhale. Causes you to fucking think about what you're doing for. Calm down. And then when you smile, I don't know what it is.

It actually makes the fact that you got mad funny. At least for me, it does. I just start, you know, like, tonight I was, I mean, actually recording this Sunday night, right? So I had a bunch of shit to do. I knew how to do the podcast, and I hadn't done my.

My daughter's hair yet for the week, so, you know, I had to wash her hair. I had to, like, you know, condition detangle and then braid it, you know, and I always, you know, what kind of haircut do you want? You know, not haircut. What kind of hairstyle do you want? She always tells me so, you know, that's one of those things that would, like, frustrate me, especially if I had other shit to do and everything.

And I was able to do the whole thing, you know, without only got frustrated one time. This fucking bobby pin, it wouldn't open for me, and I was just like, God damn it. And then I just did the inhale exhale, and I smile. So I got myself to the point. I still.

I told, like, nia today because she was looking at me like I was a lunatic. And I just said, listen, I've gotten myself where I flip out, but I can immediately stop it, all right? Eventually, I'll be able to do the inhale exhale, smile before I flip out. That's what I'm hoping. That's what I'm hoping.

And then I won't be funny anymore and I'll be this person, you know, that doesn't flip out. And then I'll lose my following and I'll be like, why did I do that?

Anyway? You know, I saw something, right, the other day. Like most people, I just see shit online. I saw this thing where they had this guy in the 18 hundreds. They were showing that.

God knows, I don't know if this was true or not, but it was. He was basically the fattest person on the planet. And he just basically looked like the average person you see walking around a grocery store or like a home. Like, Winston Churchill was considered a fat fuck, and he wasn't really, he wasn't fat. He just was like, you know, by today's standards and people like, well, you know, back then, you know, people, you know, they walked 90 miles.

No, no, back then, the food wasn't poisoned. That's what you didn't have a bunch of plastic in your fucking body and all of this shit. It's like, I saw this really crazy thing where they were talking about how in the early eighties was the beginning of when they started to deregulate everything and there was this big thing that there was too many, too many governmental groups watching these corporations and that it was inhibiting the economic growth. And that's why we kept running into these economic depressions and blah, blah, blah, blah. The reality was it was a fucking, you know, it's a Ponzi scheme, and these fucking ups and downs are designed, and it's for the rich people to every time, you know, oh, money's money.

You know, somebody told me a long time ago, I never really thought about. He goes, I say, oh, you know, a trillion dollars was lost in the stock market. He goes, money is not lost. Like, where did it go? It transfers hands.

So since they started deregulating things in the early eighties, and no politician on either side has done anything about it, and anyone who did try to do about it was immediately labeled a fucking communist. This is why you have this weird thing go, I feel this weird thing going on right now in this country where you just see in like, you know, these real estate shows and people have, like, you know, he has two helicopters in his garage, you know, he has a pool the size of Lake Michigan. And then this, you know, ten minute drive down the street, you got a bunch of people fucking living in skid row and all of that. So I think what eventually will happen, hopefully, is the government's gonna have to regulate these people again because they've shown that they can't self regulate. Like, there's no end to their greed and how big they want their pools to be and how little they want to pay people working.

And I think it'll be a great thing if they bring that back. And it'll even be great for these rich cunts if they actually read a little bit of history. You can't, you know, eventually, if you just fuck everybody except for yourself, everybody comes over the hill and then that's the end of it. So one of the other's gonna happen. I actually think, well, that'd be a fun fucking Sci-Fi movie to make.

I'm always pitching movies and then I never write them. Here's a movie idea. It's like somehow somebody gets people to stop watching these network news things and they somehow get everybody who's getting equally fucked to realize that they're all on the same side. And then the end of the movie, you know, the end of Scarface, when they're coming over the walls to go get Tony Montana. In the end of the movie, it's people going over the walls, except it's from like in like gated communities.

They break into the Bilderberg meeting or some shit like that. I mean, it's obviously Sci-Fi or whatever it would be.

But if you made it a comedy, I would have that happen halfway through the movie. And then all the people that were like, yeah, man, we're doing it for the people. Then all of a sudden, you know, they're looking around the gated community at these big ass houses and then they catch the greedy bug and then they trick everybody. And then they just started all over again, which is kind of what happened with this country. You know, England took too much.

We had enough. We rebelled against them. And then when they left, the founding fathers, all these people that they fucking blow all the time, they moved into all those english cunts houses that were over here. And then they just gradually did the same thing, right? I don't know.

Probably over. I'm probably overly simplifying it. I have no idea. But you know what? Tomorrow, which is today, is my birthday, so I don't know what I'm gonna do today.

You know, I don't know. You know, I think probably gonna go get a nice cup of coffee. I'm not smoking cigars this month. I've been doing really well with them. You know, they go out of control.

But, you know, I've had, like, had one in January, none in March. I'm gonna have none in June. That's pretty fucking good, right? 10 February, fucking 15 in April, 49 in May. You know, it goes off the rails.

Whatever. I'm trying, all right? What the fuck do you want from me? What am I supposed to do? Oh, my God.

I thought about having a scar, like, 58 times today. At least 58 times. I just keep saying to myself, tomorrow when you don't have one, you're gonna feel way better rather than having to start over again, like, oh, here we go again. Okay, I'm not gonna have a fucking. It's unreal.

You know, it must be amazing to be one of these people that, like. You know. You meet people that just like. You know, I tried alcohol. I didn't like it.

They don't smoke. You know, they're just kind of like. They're just, like, even. And you just look at him. You're like, it's got to be, like, boring as hell.

But then, like, when you're trying to quit something, you really look at him with, like, envy, you know? I know somebody like that, like, been sober his whole life. Him and his wife, you know what they like doing? They like making puzzles, and they're just like. It's just good, clean fun.

They're not hurting anybody. They go out. They see movies, they go out to dinner and all that type of stuff. And I just look at them like, these people live their whole fucking lives to figure.

To get where you're at. And the amount of hell that they go through to just realize, like, you know what? Life's pretty fucking awesome, you know, just walking around looking at shit. I don't need to be that, you know, fucked up all the time. I don't need to have these stupid fucking habits.

I don't know. Maybe I'm over. I over. I overly simplify everything, but I look at that going, like, yeah, man, fucking.

You don't get wasted. You don't say something stupid. You don't fucking regret it the next day, you know, you wake up hydrated. You did a puzzle last night. You didn't hurt anybody.

It's kind of brilliant, you know, but everybody thinks they got to be out there getting fucked up or whatever. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know shit. All right, look what?

Here we go. Ever. Let's just do the average. I know I got to read the advertising. I know that.

Look what it is, everybody. It's all zip code, zip recruiter, all right? The famous Abraham Lincoln quote says, good things come to those who wait. He said that? I just thought that that was one of them idioms.

One of them fucking things people say. Idiom. Is that right? But that's only part of the quote. The full quote is, good things come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.

I don't think you said all of that. Well, if you're a business owner and want the best people on your team, the same applies. Maybe he did say that. I mean, this is advertising. Could they just misquote him like that?

Good things happen to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.

But only the things left by those who hustle. I don't know what that means anyway. Well, if you're a business owner and want the best people, you know you're dumb when you read something. And after you read it, when you're trying to think what it means, you start squinting.

Like, do you realize how dumb I am? That literally thinking? I just started squinting, like, because I was going to use extra brain power. Like, my brain wasn't on idle. It was almost like when the lights dim, you know, during like, a power outage, and then they come back on.

Like, my, if I was going to think harder, like, something had to suffer. And that meant, like, my brain didn't have the ability to keep my eyes fully open. Wow. Okay. Anyway, let's just finish reading this.

Well, if you're a business owner and want the best people on your team, the same applies. Thankfully, zip puts the hustle in your hiring, so you find qualified candidates fast, and now you can try it for free@ziprecruiter.com. brrrr. Let zip here she give you the hiring hustle you need. See why four to five employers who post on zip get a quality.

This is zip recruiter getting hit over a major league outfield wall. The zip is the fastball. The recruiter is the ball, leaving zippy. No, zip, no. How would you do it?

You go zip backwarder, that's how. I'll work on that. Get a quality candidate within the first day.

All right, this is ziprecruiter stubbing its toe. Just go to zip recruiter.com bird to try it for free. God damn it. Again, that's ziprecruiter.com. burr.

Ziprecruiter. The smartest fucking way to hire. All right. Oh, look who it is. Everybody.

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Nia
No. Hey, what's going on, cutie pie? Are you doing a birthday podcast? Yeah. Come on.

Bill Burr
Yeah, come down here. Say hello to the peoples. Hello, people. All right, I got. Long time no see.

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There's no safe, like, simply safe. You like that, Dan? Wow, that was great. Thank you, Bill. Great emails.

Hope you have a happy birthday. Oh, that's nice, Andrew. Thank you. All right, Father's Day.

I miss your laugh on the podcast. I know, it's been too long. All right. Hey, Billy two nut strut. I don't know what that means.

I got two balls. Do I strut around the house, Nia, in my underwears? You definitely have like, a certain way that you walk. It's called. But you're like bow legged, so you kind of have this like, like you just got off a cowboy type of.

It's called a bad back. Oh.

You know, you got a vibe. No, it's called an injury. All right, Billy two nut strut, what are you going to ask for for Father's Day this year? Sincerely, guy guy. Fanning the flames.

Nia
You definitely are fanning the flames with that one. But we kind of made a decision about Father's day today, right? Did we? No, we did. About where to go, at least.

Bill Burr
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, we did. No, no, I got something. I got something fun planned. I'll tell you about it after I go to it. Cause I don't want any weirdos showing up and ruining my day.

Nia
That's right. This is my day. That's right. And you better make me feel as fucking special as I do on your. I will.

I will. All right. You're the daddy of our children, and you're the daddy. Oh, Jesus. Keep it clean.

Bill Burr
No, I have. You know, I actually, you know, I asked for some fun shit. I have a. I have a drum kit that travels around with me when I'm out on the road of this ludwig, and I've been playing. I asked for these zildjian k symbols, and the hi hats are fucking incredible, okay?

And I sent them to you. I said, hey, you know, I do. Recall getting a link. Are you comfortable lying like that? Like, is that supposed to be some sort of.

Nia
What, you can't see it. They'll describe what it's going. All right? So Bill is in our children's playroom, and he's laying on a, like a. I don't know what you call this little structure that we got for them, but they're both.

They've outgrown it. But your kid climbs up a little ladder type of thing, and then goes down a slide like a plank that's made of wood, and Bill's lying on the floor on the carpet with his head on the plank. Yeah. What's my head? Look, there's a pillow.

Bill Burr
Huh? There's a pillow right here. Oh. I grew up in a different generation. The generation that enjoyed pain.

Well, yeah, if you were a guy and you actually asked for a pillow, you then immediately got gay bashed. Dude, what are you trying to be comfortable? Why are straight men like that, though? Why. How did that.

Nia
Where you guys would, like, make fun of, like, a simple, you know, comfort need, like a pillow or, like, your bit about the umbrella. Shrug up your shoulders. Put your shoulders. That's it. Put your shoulders up.

Bill Burr
Because we didn't have, like, comfort way back in the day in the cave, Ben, so someone had. You just had to fucking. I think everybody did back then. If you got hurt, you had to just keep plowing through it or else the tribe wouldn't survive. And I just think that that's something that kind of never went away.

That and, like, being a man was, you know, it's a lot like the whole idea of what a man is, is like this. It's like very few people can actually live up to it. As far as you got to be able to beat the shit out of a whole bar. You got to be able to fucking do like, you know, like Rambo and Schwarzenegger, you know, you gotta be able. To Patrick Swayze in Roadhouse.

You know how to fly a plane, a helicopter. You could fucking drive a tank. You could, you know, there's no weaponry that they weren't just unbelievable at. What do you want to do, hand to hand? You want to go knife?

You want me? I watched Rambo two when I was on the road, man. It was fucking amazing. My God, Rambo movies are so violent. I honestly didn't realize until we watched the last one that Stallone did, like, the very last one.

Oh, my God. He just kept cutting people's legs off and shit. What the fuck? Are they all like that? Because I never watched them.

Well, look, he's John Rambo. The guy's been trying to chill. He's. Since Vietnam. Yeah, and everybody keeps fucking with him.

Nia
Why did he see things that he wasn't supposed to see? Well, it's just, you know, it's sort of his lot in life. You're supposed to feel lucky. Well, now, a lot of people don't know this. I think this is true.

Bill Burr
In cinema, Rambo two is the first time. Not cinema. Cinema, Rambo two is the first time you ever see someone get blown up. Like, they would always show somebody blown up from afar, but you actually see a guy, like, explode and, like, the parts blind. Well, he has like a fucking bow and arrow.

Nia
Who? Rambo, of course. And it has, like, an explosive tip on it. And of course this guy's shooting at him. Explosive tips?

Bill Burr
Yeah, it's like. It's weird. It's like the. He screws it on and he shoots it at the guy, hits some center mass and they're doing a close up. And then when.

Then they cut to the, like, the master, and it's just. It looks like the guy was a balloon. Like a water balloon. Oh, dude, you don't even know. You don't even know how much the theater went nuts.

That's the thing. All these kids, you watch it at home with your surround sound and everything, to be with like, fucking 200 people, you know, people drinking and shit. People would sneak shit in high and everything. And you're just collectively watching that when he fucking blew that guy up. Oh, my God.

Yeah, dude, it was unbelievable. Those Stallone and Schwarzenegger movies. And right on into Jean Claude fondant, the fucking earlier ones of the ponytail. Steven Seagal. Oh, my God, Chuck Norris, the Bruce Lee ones, that were the first ones, they were fucking incredible.

So anyways, to get to that whole thing, like, as a guy, you know, it's like it can be anywhere from good natured hazing. Cause it is making you toughen up. Cause you don't wanna be a pussy as a guy. Okay. Right.

Okay. That doesn't make you progressive. That just makes you an easy target along with your family. I mean, you gotta be able. Can't you be, like, mentally and emotionally empathetic, but also physically strong and able to, like, do what needs to be done if you or your loved ones threatened?

Nia
Is there not like a middle ground or can't you just be. Can't you have both? Well, that's what everybody. Everybody. Well, that's.

Bill Burr
Then you're stumbling into your female side where you're like, can men have it all? Can't they have it all? Can they use the right pronouns and beat the shit out of everyone in a bar? I don't know.

So I don't know. No. Do you understand how most women would love that? Would love that? Yeah.

Nia
That's like, that's all you guys have to do. Just learn how to beat everybody up in a bar. And use the right. Use the right pronouns. But can I tell you something?

Bill Burr
You would get used to that. And then it would just be something else. Like, what you have to understand is you're with the human being. So they're gonna be flawed. I'm not saying that it's a way for, like, the person to be unflawed or perfect, but I'm just saying that there is.

Nia
I feel like what men don't understand is that you can have both elements inside of you. It's not like alpha versus beta or, you know, progressive versus conservative. It's like there's a way that you can have all the best of both worlds, but. Yeah, well, that was a nice fantasy from someone who's never been a man. Cause I can tell you right now, there are people out there that you just do not want to get into a fight with as a man.

Bill Burr
And they have no special forces training, no miss martial arts. They just came out of the womb like, like that puppy that the mother would reject. Cause there's something fucking wrong with it, all right? And those people get driver's licenses and they licenses and they go out into the fucking world and the wrong person fucks with them. And you show up to the crime scene and you're trying to find where the victim is and they're just all over the yard.

And then that person goes to jail. So what you learn very quickly as a man, if you're going to be fighting, there's always, there's gonna be somebody tougher than you and it's not going to end well. Yeah, I saw, you know, I saw people, like, I fought right up until, like, junior high and then everybody else hit their growth spurt and I didn't until later. And then all of a sudden, like, I was a smaller kid so I had to go with, like, humor because, like, it was becoming. Guys were like 100, 4150 pounds and were coordinated.

And then that's what all of a sudden, teeth were coming out, blood and all of this shit. And I'm like, whoa, this is like, we just went from high school to college, you know, and the pros was like, you know, then all of a sudden somebody hit somebody with a bottle. I remember that. And they had a fucking scar. Oh, you told me about that.

Yeah, yeah. And it was like, it. Yeah, yeah. And then you hear. Yeah.

You hear about so and so. Yeah, he bit some kid's ear off. He was kid. He was biting the kid's ear. And I remember there was a guy I met, he punched this kid in the nose and, like, broke his nose really bad.

And then, I don't know, somebody ran to those kids again and they fucking, you know, jumped him and they held him down. The kid said, payback's a bitch. And he fucking bit the edge of the kid's nose off. What the fuck kind of insane childhood did you have? Like, who are these animals that you went to school with?

It was called Massachusetts. And I'll tell you this, and I'll tell you this. And the kid's dad was fucking rich, so the kid got out of it and the other kid had a fucking scar. That soda back. It was fucking horrible.

It was fucking rip. So that's what I'm saying. Like, yeah, you're not gonna be. You got to be willing to go that far just to beat that. Just to beat that kid.

Nia
Right. And that kid would get ass raped in jail. So that's the levels that you're doing. Oh, my God. Yeah.

Is it really? Like, you really went from that to that? Yes. You don't watch those behind the scenes? No.

Bill Burr
Oh, my God. I remember. Scare straight. No, I don't like that shit. I.

Listen, I talked to a couple guys that were like, prison guards in prison. Like, it is just, it's like a fucking. I met some. It's a shit show. It's a shit in a military prison who grew up in, like, south Central.

Nia
But, yeah, anyway. Yeah, it sounds. That sounds crazy. But anyway, what was this person. How did we get on this topic?

Bill Burr
Because you were trying to say, like, can't you just be the guy that can beat up everyone in the world and also call somebody a theme if they want to? And it's just like, that person does not exist. The fucking guy that's going around biting somebody's nose off is not worrying about what your fucking pronouns are. I can tell you that right now. So I.

Yeah, I know this fucking guys like that in the world. And I'm like, I'm not built like that. I'm, you know, I like my nose attached to my face. All right? That's why.

That's why I became the fucking clown. Yeah, that's what I am. Nia, you feel like you can fight. You married a clone. I mean, I'm very aware.

Nia
Do you think you can fight? I used to be able to fight. I'm 55 now. Now I cannot fight. Did you fight well, or did you fight dirty?

Did you fight, like. No, I was. I was all right. I was sort of, like, middle of the pack, but I wasn't fast. That was the thing.

Bill Burr
So, like. And I also, like, kind of didn't want to, so I always had to get hit a couple of times, and then I would get mad and I would do, like that shit. But now I would say if. If I was young again, now, like, just this sheer knowledge about physical combat, like, back when I was growing up, it was just rock'em, sock'em, everybody just throwing hooks and just swinging. And all you did was just try to punch somebody in the face.

These fucking kids just. Just watching the UFC, you know what I mean? And giving you all of these crazy fucking ideas. There was no spinning back fist when I was a kid. Nobody did that.

Nobody did that. I don't even think I ever saw a martial arts movie. Like, I fucking love a spinning back fist. I love an elbow. I really love.

Nia
I love a knee. Like, you know UFC? Like, all those moves. Yeah, they're so beautiful. And a flying kick, of course.

Who doesn't love a flying kick? No, I kick is always nice. Just straight to the fucking gut. Just what they hear. You know what I love?

Bill Burr
I love watching somebody that has the ability to not get hit. That is what. Like, that blows my mind. Like, when you see, especially. You see, like, a boxer right at, like, the highest fucking level.

Like, do you remember Roy Jones? He would, like, put both arms behind his back and then, like, sort of bend at the waist at, like, a 45 degree angle and just fucking sit there. And a professional boxer could not lay a fucking hand on him. It like that, to me, is all of that is like. Is amazing to me.

So as far as, like, I was just like a classic, just bar room fighter, and it just got a little messy, you know, but you landed no footwork, nothing. Just fucking. Real sloppy. Just fucking taking a few to get a few. And it was just.

It was all sucker punches and haymakers. It was like. It looked like a fucking old western, except people wearing champion sweatshirts. That's basically what it was. And then what it.

And then, I'll be honest with you, what it was is the closer you got into Boston, the crazier the kids were. And their idea of, like, you know, fighting was they would just live in the game. The game of life was played at a different level. And it was like literally going from division three to division two to division one, you know? And every once in a while, you'd have some sort of blue chip prospect from the fucking suburbs that just was a good fighter.

But most of us, the further you went into the city, you just weren't as tough as they were. And it was just like, you know, Georg, those kids were lunatics. And then you get to. By the time he got to south, you forget about it. That's just the white kids, you know?

So it was like. Yeah, it was. You know, I knew early on, I was like, I think my. My road is not. This is not my fucking road, right?

Nia
Yep. Yeah. I lost, like, I lost the last couple, two, three, and I was just like, you know, it's one of the things. Very humbling. No, well, I mean, I.

Bill Burr
One of my strengths in life is I always knew what I sucked at. Like, when I used to play drums and thinking, like, maybe I can fucking do this. I would go into a music store right back before it was all these chain ones, like, Norfolk county music. They had something in, like, Dedham or Norwood or something. I remember going in there.

Nia
How do you say that? Norfolk? Norfolk. Norfolk. Norfolk.

No, you don't say Norfolk. You say Norfolk, right? Not Norfolk. Norfolk. You say it like that.

Bill Burr
That's how I say it. Norfolk. No, no. Now you got me thinking about it. Yeah, Norfolk, like Norfolk county.

Nia
Not Norfolk. N o r f o l k. Norfolk. Not Norfolk. That's not what I'm saying.

Say it again. Norfolk.

Bill Burr
Anyways, can I get back to my failures in life? Yes. Um, I can't fight. I can't, you know, I mean, why are you gonna do that to me? I would fight.

I just knew, you know, I'm not fucking Marvin Hagler. I realize that. Marvin. Oh, Jesus Christ. He was in Brockton.

I mean, this is what was going on. Those kids in Brockton were fucking lunatics. I'm telling you, I'm no Marvin Hackler. Your references are just so funny to me. Well, what?

That was the best fighter when I was growing up. Vinny passing. Enzo was in Rhode island. Fuck. These aren't real people.

Yeah, I know they are. Fucking Marvin Hagler was in fucking fucked. You know, referring to Marvin Hagler, you're always going to be Marvin Hagler shape. I want to get Marvin Hagler's shape. Yeah.

How fucking dare you, Bill? You forget that we are ten years apart. There's some stuff that I just don't know about or the rep. Like, you. Know what we're gonna watch tonight?

Nia
What? We're gonna watch one of the greatest fights of all fucking time, okay? We're gonna watch Marvin Hagler versus Tommy Hitman Hearns, okay? And the middleweight division. A lot of people talk about Tyson.

Bill Burr
The middleweight division in the 1980s had Marvin Hagler. Tommy Hitman hurts, Sugar Ray Leonard, Roberto Duran, John the Beast, Mugabe, they had these fucking, but they were the top four. They all fought each other. No one came out undefeated. Somebody lost to somebody.

I think Sugar Ray was the only one that beat everybody. He lost to Duran. Then he beat Duran. I think he lost to Hearns. Then beat Hearns.

Tommy beat, he beat Roberto Durant. Oh, my God. He caught him with a fucking hook. I thought he killed him. He hit him and he just fucking face planted.

It was out. And then Sugar Ray Leonardo beat Hagler, which I think was bullshit. I think that they didn't realize that Hagler was gonna walk away from boxing. So they gave Suga the decision, thinking that Hagler would come in and they would all get paid again. And he said, fuck it, went to Italy and made some fucking movies.

Nia
Really? Yeah. He unfortunately passed away recently. But like, they, and what else did they have? They had boom boom Mancini.

Bill Burr
There was boom boom Mancini. Oh, Ray. Boom boom Mancini. You had Alexis Arguella. But it was incredible.

The boxers. And then in the heavyweight division, early on, you had Larry Holmes was beating everybody, and then what's his face came along. And then Tyson.

Yeah, boxing was incredible. It was incredible. Anyway, let's get back to the podcast here. I love how you're asking like a fucking, it was funny. Bill, do you think you can fight?

It's just like, I'm 56 years old. But if you had to, yeah, you could. You could do it, I think. Yeah. Let me tell you something.

Nia
Rage inside of you that you. Oh, I could literally fucking murder somebody if anybody ever touched you or my kids, I swear to God. Yeah, forget it. That would be it. But that's just dad shit, right?

Bill Burr
Like, you could take, like, who's that guy you watch on the Simpsons? The guy next door, the Jesus freak? Oh, Ned Flanders. Ned Flanders. If somebody came in Ned Flanders house, okay.

And fucking threw his bible into his chicken noodle soup or whatever, like, that guy fucking. That's a guy that you would not want to fuck with because that guy. He'S in really good shape. They've shown him shirtless a couple times. Oh, Flanders.

Nia
Yeah. And they've also implied that he has a really big dick, too. There was one thing where they, like, Homer was trying to set him up with after his wife died, which was Homer's fault, kind of. He was putting together, like, a dating tape and they showed. He filmed him in the shower and they had, like, a pixelated on his dick.

And it was, like, hanging, like, really, like, noticeably low. And he had a six pack. So they've always. That was on the Simpsons. Yeah.

So they've always kind of implied that, like, yeah, I think Ned Flanders is working with a lot under there. And then I also think he has look at Darkseid. Like, I mean, just being that pleasant all the time, wearing sweaters. Hey, how you doing? And blah, blah.

Bill Burr
Yeah, there's always something going on behind closed doors. They showed stuff that happened to him when he was young. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I wouldn't fuck with that.

And then what happens is, is you walk around with that pain and one day somebody flips the switch and then you take the beating for their pain and you just don't want to be that guy.

Oh, God. That reminds me of another one. A bad one I saw. Yeah. I just.

I was just like, yeah, I don't want to do that to somebody and I just don't want it to happen to me. So I just said, fuck it. All right. The idiot dating a thai stripper. Okay.

High angry Billy Irish. John O'Reilly here. An english trucker down in New Zealand. A word of warning for your listeners. A few weeks ago, a listener asked if he should date a thai stripper he met on a trip to Thailand.

Man alive, if you wrote a textbook, way to get scammed in Thailand, that's had 99.9% of the tricks. Yeah, to the point I thought he was fucking with me. Okay, so here's the scam. This guy's gonna break it down just in case you go to Thailand and you actually think a hooker is in love with you.

Nia
I'm sure you're a really nice guy, but chances are she's in love with. You every time, as long as you keep walking to that ATM. I'm familiar with the Southeast Asia in Vietnam in particular. That's not really nice. That's not really fair to thai women because what if they're not strippers that are or hookers that are trying to.

Bill Burr
Just like we are specifically talking about hookers and strippers in Thailand in particular. Not the women in general. I told him if he was attracted to thai women, go get one that's like a nurse or something. Right, right. But maybe sell cell phone service, a.

Nia
Real estate agent, maybe not a sex worker is what you're saying. Yes. Whom have been human trafficked. So that's probably not a good idea to participate in anyway. Sorry.

Bill Burr
Yeah, we don't need a fucking lecture. Sorry. Continue, continue. Most of whom did not want to be. Thank you.

Oh, everybody. Let's give everybody humanity to the situation. I loved him. Bill Maher did that to me when I said that about gay people. And he gives me the clap like the Oprah clap.

I'm like, all right, I deserve that. All right. I'm familiar with. Okay. Buh, buh.

Finally. There are no strippers in Thailand. Only hookers that strip. The main income is sucking dick, in case you didn't know what a fucking hooker did. Jesus.

Nia
Well, he's painting a picture. He's not painting a picture. He's giving him the fucking truth here. Is this. Is this gonna be too much for you?

No, no, I was gonna stop, not interrupt. I'm listening. Now, if everyone know the score, if everyone knows the score, it can be an amazing place to blow off steam, so to speak. I'm getting this guy. This guy's a trucker.

Bill Burr
He does a few runs, he saves up some money. He gets his fucking knob shined over there in the fucking southeast of Asia. There. All right, now, but while your girlfriend, quote, is waving goodbye at the airport, be under no illusion she got five or six other guys sending her money every month. The joke is she's crying, waving you off at departure while walking around two arrivals, then crying with happiness as another boyfriend turns up.

Nia
Oh, my God. I love that for them. Sorry. I'm listening.

Bill Burr
I'm sorry. No, no, no. Why do you love that for them?

Nia
Because that is fucking hilarious to me. It's like the end of white Lotus. It's like, goodbye, thank you so much. I'm gonna miss you. And then just walking around, oh my God, you're here.

I missed you so much. I mean, I get it. Keeps rolling in. There you go. Well, I mean, there you go.

Bill Burr
I mean, what the fuck? If you're gonna be that dumb, I guess you can kind of get laughed at. Anyway, even more dangerous are the hookers, say mid to late twenties, possibly early thirties as they're heading to the scrap heap and looking to catch a guy to actually marry and get the passport before it's too late for them.

What? I love how you love the fucking whores and you don't like the trucker. Mm hmm. But I'm listening. All right, I get it.

We're rooting for different teams here. They'll milk you dry in both ways for a few years, then return home to Thailand wealthy, leaving you, you your home in your home county, penniless, and wondering how you really wondering how you married a fucking whore. How did that happen? Anyway? You understand it's just sex, then you can, if you understand it's just sex, then you can actually befriend the ladies and play the game.

See them when in Thailand and nothing more. Slash I have four vietnamese friends that started out as ladies I'd visit when inside Saigon, even go for lunch or dinner. After all, they are still people. Normally very friendly. When we went for lunch, sometimes I buy, sometimes they buy.

That's when you know you've made a friend. But never, ever, ever send money back when you get home.

I've now met a lovely vietnamese lady. Oh, this guy is just totally into hookers. This is how you play the game. I've now met a lovely vietnamese lady totally unconnected to the entertainment industry, or so you think. And she's been with me in New Zealand a good while.

I'll be so funny if she was actually a hooker. That's the thing. Like, he's got a lot of fucking nerve. Like he's on his. Or maybe this guy just knows how to play the game.

Nia
He speaks. Maybe this is Tom Brady going to Tampa Bay and he still fucking wins. Who knows? Listen, I've been fucking asian broads for a long, long time, and this is. These are the rules.

Bill Burr
These are the rules. These are the ropes. Good for him. I live part of the year in Saigon with her too. We get married in October, but again, she's never been connected with that industry and just a normal, lovely lady.

How the fuck do you know? This guy is a piece of shit. You know what? I hope you don't drive your truck the way this story went, because you're all over the road. Oh, shit.

Nia
Stop coming in here on your high fucking horse like you know what's going on. These guys don't know if you really think this was going on. Yeah, fucking right. You're getting scammed left and right. I don't want to hear nothing from you, New Zealand.

Bye. Okay, Nia's not buying it, all right? Remember he learned how to play the game. What game? What game?

Bill Burr
The game where, like, you're in New. Zealand fetishizing asian women's until he finally wants to marry. Congratulations. Wow, you really cracked the code there, buddy. Maybe this is.

Maybe. Maybe women in New Zealand are fucking difficult because they live on that island and they know that there's not a lot of options. And they start acting all cunty there in the clean air and the beautiful water and maybe he's had enough. He doesn't have anything in the opera than half his trauma. Maybe he was abused as a child.

Nia
Okay, really? Now you're gonna. So now he drives a truck, so now you're gonna. Cause he only feels safe when he's alone. Has their, like, childhood trauma.

We're all traumatized as children. You're rooting for whores. I mean, yes, always.

Bill Burr
Oh, boy. Okay, let me just move ahead here, okay? Truckers are the bad guys. Whores are the nice people. All right?

I think. Aren't they both equally fucked up? And they deserve each other on some level. That's what it is. You should be less judgmental.

Nia
You guys are different sides of the same coin. Yeah, it's just a john.

Bill Burr
He's an international john. Remember, guys, if a lady from Southeast Asia wants to be your girlfriend, there is a bulletproof way to find out if she was ever connected to the sex trade. She said, can she play pool? If yes, she 100% was, as all the ladies do, is play pool in bars for twelve to 14 hours a day with each other, then the customers every day. Well, there you go.

I mean, he's, you know, he has a locked the dog test. He certainly has a lot of research under his belt, that's for sure. You know what you are? You're a fucking hater. Not a hater.

You are. Don't hate the player, hate the game. Is that your other. It's like you're fucking. You got all the excuses in the world for the whoas.

But then the john comes to town. Because I don't like his holier than thou attitude. I don't like how he's positioning himself above people who maybe, you know, fall in love, quote unquote, with a. With a stripper or a hooker. And the women who are doing the work there, like, he's acting like he's the fucking man that really knows what's going on.

Nia
And everybody else is just like, I don't know, a piece of shit or an idiot or, you know, naive, you know? I think he's just trying to be like, listen, if you don't have the ability to sustain a normal relationship and you want to go over there, these. Are the do's and the don'ts. These are the do's and the don'ts. That's it.

Bill Burr
Nia, look. Look. You know, come on, nia. There's this. All these.

This. Okay, you get into my business, all right? There's all these fucking rules that you end up learning so you don't get fucked. Right? Right.

Make sure your name's on the pilot script. If it's not on the pilot script, you don't get to create it by credit. Nobody fucking tells you that until you get fucked out of it. And then you gotta. You gotta learn how to do it.

Nia
Well, then you should be identifying. If you're gonna use that example, you should be identifying with the whores and less so with the truck driver in that story, in that scenario. I'm not identifying with either one of them. You are a whore is what I'm telling you.

Bill Burr
Yeah. You know what's funny? That is what this business. This business is they make. They make the artist feel like they're the pimp.

And then you realize that you're walking the block for them. And then you try to figure out, oh, your boy did that when he changed his name. I know what you're talking about. Oh, your guy there always wore purple. And then he had a record contract he couldn't fucking get out of and he realized he was a fucking slave.

Nia
You're talking about Prince? Yes. Your boy there. I changed his name. Is that really how you describe prince?

Bill Burr
Yeah.

Hey, Jackie, hey, Mikey. What was that Batman song? What was the Batman? He's like, hey, Jackie, hey, Mikey. Or whatever the fuck it was.

He wrote a Batman song. What are you talking about? Didn't he say hello to somebody? They said hello back. I remember it used to make me uncomfortable when I would watch it.

I was like, this is a really talented guy, but he has the same haircut as my second grade teacher.

All right, good luck, fellas. And be careful. They are still people, so befriend them. Here's me. Nice hair.

Oh, great. Thank you. Thank you. So befriend them. Keeps you safer from theft in the city, but keep your money in the pocket when you return home.

There you go. So there's a guy that's an international john. He's out there playing the game, and he's driving his truck, getting this dick sucks. Yeah, that's right.

That was fantastic. That was informative. All right, $15. That is funny to be like, oh, my God, I miss you. And reapply and make up.

Oh, my God, you're here.

There is something. There is something funny about that. Just as an old school wrestling fan, I always enjoyed the heels more than the baby faces, so there is something funny about that. All right, $15 congestion fee and black kids in computers. Oh, here we go.

We're all over here. And there's also, like, something funny about someone that thinks that they've figured out that game. Like, somehow people that hustle all the time, he's going to figure out. It's like, you know what? He basically is?

He's going to Vegas and he has a system, and he's going to be the guy that wins. We'll see. All right, $15 congestion fee and black kids and computers. Hey, Billy. Do well.

Lifelong New Yorker, they advertise the best part about New York City is that it's a melting pot of people of all class and race. Except for the last 20 years, it's become completely classless, and the city doesn't want or care about anyone. I drive a truck, one of the thankless jobs that keeps the city going. Last week, they proposed the idea of an additional $15 congestion fee to anyone traveling below midtown.

My man, this is crazy. They have me at $100 a day to do my route, eat each lunch, and cover gas. That's $3,000 a month just for expenses, and I barely make six figures. I pay my own insurance and lost my second job. It's getting harder.

Yeah, this isn't. This is crazy. Well, why would you do that? If he's actually delivering supplies to the city, shouldn't he be exempt? So who comes to the rescue?

Within a day, everyone in the city was losing their shit. The next day, the governor gets on tv and starts explaining to New Yorkers that things are tough out there and people are struggling to make ends meet. And that a $15 confession concession fee wouldn't be good. As if he. As if she wasn't the one who introduced the idea in the first place.

They are postponing it through, though. Didn't say it wouldn't happen again in the future. Well, I hope you guys saw the power you had when all of you, rather than being red ties, blue ties, got together, said, fuck that, we're not doing that. They did that in San Francisco when they were going to have a robocop. They're like, we don't want a robo Roboco.

And they did the same thing. Okay, we won't do it for now. And it's like, no, you fucking work for us. That's another big mind fucking is. Like, you know, you get a big time.

Whoever in this business, they still work for you. They're supposed to be working for you. And if you get the wrong person, they make it feel the other way. All right, keep in mind, this is the same lady who went on tv last month and said that black kids in the Bronx are so poor, they don't even know what a computer is. Trying to act like she cares about black kids, but fucking up and letting everyone knows she's out of touch.

Thanks. Thanks for all your wise words, Billy. God bless. They don't know what a computer is, bitch. Yeah, but isn't that funny, too, though?

Like, the lady going like, oh, my God, I miss you. And then turn around, be like, oh, yeah. And her being like, I love black people. I know nothing about them, but this sounds good. All right.

Nia
I don't know why I just started doing this. Nia's doing ab work. I don't know why. Oh, so you can cry when I go on the road as your new boyfriend comes to town? Bye, BB.

Bill Burr
Bye, BB. I'm gonna miss you. Some other fucking guy. He's a middle act, but I think he's eventually gonna be headlining. Why?

Nia
I would never hook up with a middle ax.

Bill Burr
Why good zoos exist. Dear Bill gorilla balls Burr, you mentioned that zoos are basically animal prisons, and that's not necessarily wrong, but I argue that good zoos, yeah, that's like white collar prisons. You're still in jail. San Diego, DC. Our examples have to exist because of what humans have done.

The most obvious reason is that a lot of animals are there because they have been orphaned, often by things like poachers and destructions of their habitats. Okay, well, why can't they re release them into the wild? Because they'll get killed immediately. So let's see. Okay, well, then why can't you just have them on a farm?

Why does everybody got to sit there looking at them, and they got to fucking ride a bicycle? Well, they got to pay for their. Food somehow, I guess. So. These animals often will never be able to learn the skills to live in the wild.

They have no idea what computers are, Nia. So the zoo is the best option left for them. Another good reason for zoos involves severely endangered animals. There's so few of these left that they cannot be in the wild because there isn't enough natural, differentiated DNA. So zoos have to use a global system to select a breed so that they have habitat, blah, blah, blah.

Big cats are often in zoos for this reason is their population has diminished. A third reason is a little more morally ambiguous. So, like, when aliens come down, they should stick us in fucking zoos because they killed all of us, because they took alien shits all over the place. At no point should humans adjust. But I feel necess.

Anyways, this is a money making element that zoos have to ask. Okay, I get it. I get it. Yeah. I mean, all right.

I guess kazoos are a good thing. All right. Comedy timing. Good evening, Billy. Beetroot ball?

Bollocks, dude. Every week they come up with a new way to make fun of my junk. That's really interesting. Beetroot Bullocks is fucking. That's a fucking metal band if I ever heard it.

I'm definitely a double bass drummer in that band. One for each ball there. Jesus. I'm a big fan of your show and listen to the podcast as much as I can. Hilarious.

Thank you. I particularly enjoy you losing your shit about utterly pointless things like stealing home court. Oh, yeah, I'm scottish, so we don't have that bullshit. But fuck me, it's funny to hear you lose your marbles over it. Which brings me into my serious point.

Unfortunately, my eight year old son is funny as fuck. His timing with jokes is exceptional. The level of irony and sarcasm is just great. I mean, he's also scottish. You guys are all fucking funny.

I find it's. I find it a delight. My wife, on the other hand, finds it a little tedious. I mean, it's her. It's her problem, right?

Generally, he's a great kid and kind hearted, so he's on the right path. If he's getting told off, he can turn the tables pretty quickly, which is funny, but also can be annoying. I honestly get my wife's point of view, but you just can't be angry at the timing. Should I, a, try and see how I try and see if somehow we can all work together in harmony and have a hilarious living environment? Or b, fake my death to see if the grief can sort it out?

I think I know where he gets a sense of humor. Thanks for your great work, you ginger cunt. Love you. Just tell your wife it's a sign of intelligence. And then you got to tell your son, like, listen, just go easy.

Go easy on your mom. And not every moment needs to be a joke. You don't always have to be making jokes. There's a time and a place, and sometimes you just don't feel like hearing a joke right now. Yeah.

In other words, women aren't as funny as men. Oh, my God. So just do the joke to me or tell it to me later. Exactly. No, don't say that part of it, obviously.

But, yeah, men have more of a sense of humor. Oh, my God, Nia, you've been killing on this podcast. Killing me? Women, you're funnier than most comedians I know. All right, there we go.

Nia
Yeah, you always say that. No, but it's true. It's true. When you fuck. You know what Nia got me dying laughing about?

Bill Burr
I posted the video. That video of that guy. Well, there's this little guy, and he's showing these moves that work in bar fights, and he tells this bigger guy to bully him. And the guy, he doesn't, you know, he's sort of put on the spot, so he's got, like, improv acting. What does he say to him?

He walks out to, you're kind of a jerk. You're kind of a little short, punky. Yeah. He goes, hey, man. He goes, you're kind of a jerk.

You kind of a short, little punky. And as he's saying that, the guy takes a sip of his drink and spits it in his face. In his face. And he did it for real. And then he turns to the camera and he goes, was it dirty?

Okay, but it works. He doesn't even answer it. And just listening to her, like, she's been making me laugh all week. Like, I'll be sitting there making eggs for the kids and breakfast, and all of a sudden, she'll come behind me, start poking me, going, you kind of be sure. Kind of short, little punky.

I think he spit extra hard because he said short. I think he. I know he was pissed about that part, dude. He was. He spit this shit that was like an explosion.

Nia
Yeah. There was no water absorbed in his mouth at all. Anyway, all right, we got. We got to end this, dude, because it's getting late here. All right?

Bill Burr
That's it. Congratulations to the Boston Celtics. Still got a long way to go. Still have a long way to go. Up.

Two games to none. All right, go see. Two games to none. And I've been taping the games to watch them after the kids go to bed so I won't lose my shit. Why does the timing of it matter?

Nia
Because you just will know that you can't because they're sleeping. You have to keep your volume down. Yeah. Then I also know the results. So if we're gonna lose, jump out.

Of bed and pace back and forth. No, no. I already know what happens. That's how I stop. No, no.

Bill Burr
If I didn't know what was gonna happen, that would defeat the whole purpose of it, because I'd be downstairs yell, whispering, goddamn fucking motherfucker. Hate this fucking sport. Either fucking win the game or fucking lose it. Why the fuck you go out by 20 fucking points and let him back in the fucking game? You knew they were coming out in the third quarter hard.

Why don't you fucking play defense? That's what I'm. You want to listen to that for fucking ten days? No. No, I'm not doing that to you guys.

And I want to be happily married, so I don't want my kids to see me like that. It's not a good example, because I don't want them to see that. It's stupid. It's fucking stupid. So when you go to bed tonight, I'm going to watch game two.

All right, that's. Thank you guys again. Thank you to everybody in Berkeley that came out for that amazing show and sang happy birthday to me. That was so nice. Yes.

That was so nice. Oh, my God, Nia, that was like you tapped into your white curl room. Oh, my God. That's. Stop.

Nia
My voice is all fucked up, too. Yeah, and you're going to the valley. All right, see you later. All right, that's the podcast, everybody. Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Bill Burr
Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Monday Morning Podcast 6-10-24

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1: Birthdays and Aging

2: Social Critiques and Anecdotes

3: Musical Reflections

4: Riding and Reflections

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