Monday Morning Podcast 5-6-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday December. December. No, May. How the hell did I get December?

May 6, 2024. What's going on? How are you? Ah, geez. I'm recording this on May 5, also known as Cinco de Mayo, out here in California.

I think at this point, it has gone national. I never heard of Cinco de Mayo till I came out here when I first moved out here in the nineties, and I clearly remember asking somebody, when is Cinco de Mayo? So, for other people as white as me, it literally means the 5 may. So my lovely wife's like, we should take the kids out for an early mexican cuisine dinner. It's like, this is like, literally is like the Valentine's day of getting mexican food.

Why would we do this today?

I'm not standing behind 200 groups of white people coming out to get fucking tacos to act like they give a shit about something. They don't. They just want the tacos. They taste good, you know? That's what.

I can do it. I can do it today. I do it on the 6th. What is that? Uno, dos, tres, cuatros.

Cinco says osiete. That's the best. That's the best sounding number. Ciate de mayo. That's when I go out.

Not going out. Cinco de mayo. But I haven't said that. Happy, happy cinco de Mayo to actual mexican people. Happy standing in line day for my people and all other groups of people.

Anyway, here we are. Here we are. Guess who feels like he doesn't have a fucking piano on his back anymore? This guy. This guy.

Friday night, trace de mile. I did. I actually went french there. Trace de mile. I went trace.

I can't speak any of them. I played the Hollywood bowl, all right. With Nate Craig and Dean del Rey. And then special guest was John Lovitz. He came out in the middle of my act, and we shit on each other for about a minute.

I pretended I was thirsty, and he just came walking out. Place went fucking crazy. Cause he's John Lovitz. And then they also. The people that actually saw that podcast where we trashed each other, which I had no idea people were going to like it that much.

It was one of the most popular podcasts I've ever done. Us just trashing each other. But anyway, I'll take you through the day. So Friday comes along. And that was such a big gig for me that I was literally, like, paralyzed.

Like, I couldn't work out. I didn't go play drums. I couldn't go fart around the neighborhood. Nothing. I was just, like, laying in bed, looking at Nia going, ah.

Like, I know it's gonna be good, but I just want to get over there and do this. And then I had, you know, a zillion people on the guest list. Cause I've lived out here for almost 20 years. I mean, it was like I felt like I was getting married again. You know what I mean?

When you're making out, like, the guest list and this person, they need to add one, and this person can't make it and who should sit with who? Where do we put this? You know, people last second hit me up and just wanted to make sure that everybody got in, which happened thanks to club soda Kenny.

And meanwhile, I ordered. I rented a classic cadillac to drive over there. I got a 1965 gold on gold Cadillac Coupe de Vil convertible. And when I first got behind the wheel of it, I was like, I don't know if I like this. It's a little weird, you know, it's funny.

Those cars look huge. And then you get inside of them, they're nowhere near as big as the cars today. Like a fucking suv. Everybody always like, talk, man. That car was, like, fucking 90ft long and weighed a fucking ton.

It's not like a 65 Cadillac Coupe de vil two door is a paperweight compared to something that a fucking soccer mom is driving down the street in. Like. Like, those Teslas weigh like, fucking 10,000 pounds, you know, not that much, but you know what I mean? So I drove it like, half a block. I was like, you know, I don't know if I like this.

And half a block later was like, oh, I can get into this. And had the armrest down and I was leaning. And I was like, this is fucking amazing. And I don't know what it had. And I know it had a v eight, but the ignition was right in the center of the dashboard.

And you left it at 12:00 if you went to the auxiliary, you could wear down the battery, which I did the night after the bowl because I got out, it was dark out. I'm just used to turning it all away to the left. And I came out the next day to take everyone, all the family, out to breakfast. I had a dead battery, but I called Triple A. We were fine.

But anyway, so finally it's the moment of truth. I'm going over there. I get in the car to do sound check at like, four in the afternoon. And then there's no point of me driving all the way, all the way, all the way. Fucking home time.

I got home, you know, fucking hour drive. I gotta come right back. So I. I drive over there, and I'm feeling pretty good, but I'm also just like, I just want to get on fucking stage, you know? So I pull in.

Of course, I go in the wrong way, then I gotta get out. And then I pull in. Everybody's loving the car, and I get out, and I'm like, all right, here we go. Fucking Hollywood bull. And I meet club soda, Kenny there, everybody else.

And literally just dropped my stuff and walked right out. I took video of it. I posted it on instagram of just walking out and seeing the Hollywood bull empty from the stage. And, like, just this. I don't know.

I can't even explain it. It was just incredible, iconic adrenaline Russian. And I knew in that moment, I'm like, I'm gonna fucking murder tonight. Not gonna have a good set. I'm going to fucking murder.

You know, I'd gone out to the comedy store Wednesday night and Thursday night. I did two sets a night, did different parts of my acts. Everything was all, you know, stretched, you know, no tight hammies on any of the jokes. I knew what the fuck I was gonna do for the most part. I had a new joke that I'd been opening with, and I was like, fuck this.

I'm opening at the bowl with it, because then it'll just make me feel like I'm doing a spot. So we do soundcheck. They got, you know, they got a little coffee machine there. So I have a. What did I have?

I had a latte, I think. And then Dean got some sort of green thing that maka drink that had an espresso shot. I was like, you know, I might get one of those later, right? So, you know, everybody's coming in and blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm just sitting there, sitting there, sitting there.

I got a ton of people in the green room. That's some people like to be alone. I like to just have everybody in the green room talking, shooting the shit, busting balls. Lovett shows up, and all we do is just trash each other, having a great time. And.

Yeah. And then the friggin show starts. Nate goes out to open, absolutely kills. He brings out Dean. Dean crushes.

And then I go out there. Oh, I forgot to tell you. You know, a long time ago, Richard Pryor played there on one of the first gay pride days. And he went out there, and he opened with. He opened.

His opening line was, you know, I sucked at dick once. The place went nuts. He was really talking about he got molested by this guy, but they didn't know that, right? So he does that, but he immediately gets the gay crowd totally on his side. And he just was setting them up to basically say, why should I give a fuck about you guys?

Where the hell were you when Watts was burning?

You know, when they were having all the, all the riots after Martin Luther King was assassinated, civil rights, all of that type of stuff. Where the fuck were you guys? You guys were in West Hollywood not doing shit for me. Why the fuck should I give a fuck about you? 90% of them didn't get it.

Started booing him and he didn't give a fuck. Told them all to go fuck themselves. And then he left. And I was thinking, like, you know, as much as he was Richard Pryor, there was still, you know, that venue at that point was already 50 years old and all these amazing people had played there, and he still had the balls to do that. So I was thinking, like, I can open with a new joke, right?

So I went out there and the energy was insane. And the feeling of being on that stage was just indescribable. It landed somewhere. It was like a hybrid between doing red rocks and doing the Acropolis in Athens, where both are like sort of these amphitheater things. I mean, nothing was quite like the Acropolis.

The Acropolis was, like, ridiculous. I felt like I went in a time machine back a couple thousand years with everybody dressed like it is now. I mean, it was. That was something else. And then red rocks has, like, that psychedelic vibe to it.

So this one had, like, golden age Hollywood, but also that outdoor thing because there was a lot of, like, you know, people not in show business that were in the crowd, so they were bringing that energy. And I did the opening joke. It's a pretty fucked up one, and it did well, but it definitely made people be like, hey, you know, what are we doing here? I felt, and I just laughed at the end of it and I didn't give a f. And I just freed me up and, yeah, I just caught a zone and I just fucking, I just, it was, it couldn't.

It just could not have gone any better. And then, you know, Lovett's, the whole time he's backstage, he goes, so when are you gonna bring me out? Like, 2030? I was like, john, I don't know. Whenever it feels like the right time, I'll bring you out.

And then I'm sitting there going in my head, but I go, what if I'm killing so fucking hard I don't wanna bring him out? And blah, blah. And then I was thinking, like, no, this is like a cool, really cool thing that all old school entertainers used to do. And as I've been telling you guys, I watched that Steve Martin documentary, and he goes out with Martin short, and they have such a good time together. And I recently did Dave Chappelle's comedy club, and we were on stage together after every one of my sets.

So I was like, no, this is you kind of being like, you know, Billy the loner, isolated. Bill hurt as a child. Bill, fuck this shit. Open yourself up. Bring this guy out.

So I just felt, you know, like the moment was right about, like, 20 minutes in. And I was, you know, the bit was, you know, this. This is kind of room temperature, you know, I'd love to have a cold water out here. I don't be a diva. And all of a sudden, he just comes walking out and, like, people down front.

Cause they didn't have a spotlight on him, could see him, and they started going nuts. Place went nuts. And, you know, we just trashed each other. And if you saw the podcast, he walked off stage. As I was making fun of him, he was singing that song.

Bill Burr likes it in the butt.

You know what I love about that song is butt is way funnier than ass. Like ass. It kind of flows. It sounds like there's lube involved, but there's something about. But it just seems like it's.

It's. It's a lot more violating and way more insulting. So, um, he was singing that song, which he used to sing to Bob Saget. I was giving John shit about that. I said, he just recycled all your sagat material.

Now that he's dead, now you're gonna fucking put it on me, you know? And then he's like, oh, I got some new ones. And then he did. He did have some new ones. And he said something.

Said, I had. I had a camel toe or something. And he was like, your turn doing that stuff. And then he walked off, and it didn't disrupt the set at all. It was just sort of this fun little thing that, you know, was way out of character for me to do.

You know, like I said, like, I grew up a fucking loner. You know, my family was sort of not the most social family. We lived on a busy street. Everyone around us was sort of older or younger. They didn't have kids or they were, like, empty nesters.

So there was really nobody to vibe with for a critical, like, eight years of my life. So, anyway, and then I just, you know, was doing the rest. Oh, I forgot to mention Dean brought me one of those caffeine. The maca things with the green thing with the fucking espresso shot. I had already had a latte.

And when I went out there for the first, like, ten minutes, I was, like, lightheaded. And I'm like, what's going on? We're not at altitude. I'm not nervous. Am I fucking freaking out somewhere?

And I just remembered a long time ago, I used to do the Aspen Comedy festival and that thing you'd get out of breath. So I just started slowing down, taking bigger breaths, and it went away. And it wasn't until after my set I was thinking, like, you know, I hadn't drank coffee for, like, a week. And then I just had, like, three shots for whatever reason, on kind of an empty stomach. Cause I didn't feel like eating.

And I just think it made my heart rate already go up. And then I was so fucking excited to be at the bowl that I was kind of, like, had to pace myself. I was literally one point going, like, am I going to be the first fucking asshole to faint during his own set? But the lovely Nia was there, and she said, you couldn't even notice. So I said, all right, good.

I mean, I knew I. I know it enough to just, you know, just keep rolling with it. Nobody's noticing. Just calm down. So I breathe my way through that shit.

And, like I said, it just, um. I went over my time a little bit. I really didn't even want to leave. It was fucking incredible. And I want to thank every single person that came out that made that possible.

Um, thank Netflix for, you know, having the festival. And, um, it was, uh. It was. It was just fucking awesome. So then I get off stage and everybody's all smiles, but they're always looking at the poem, like, did you like it?

Did you like it? Because so many times, you know, a performer gets off, say, dude, that was great. They're like, no, it wasn't. I missed a tag eight minutes in. And, like, I'm too old to do that shit.

I mean, I didn't give a fuck that I was a little lightheaded when I went out there. Cause I drank three shots of fucking espresso like an idiot.

I didn't give a shit.

I loved it. And I loved that even that little lightheaded thing happened. And I was able to get through it. I loved that. I brought me and Lovitz did that, and that worked.

And I did every fucking thing that I wanted to do and did an extra ten minutes just to get as much out of it. Almost like I got a late checkout at a hotel, and I was just grinning ear to ear, and everyone was telling me I did a great job. And then my wife comes in, and I saw the look on her face, and when she told me, I killed, that's the big one. Cause that's the thing. They don't.

Too many people talk about that, but comedians, wives, like, when they come in with the. When your wife comes in, she's seen your act a bunch of fucking times. When she comes in with a big smile, it's like, all right, I know I got that one. Yeah. And then we just went over to the after party.

It was just all my friends and family and all that type of stuff, and we just hung out. And, you know, it was funny. Somebody was saying, you know, you've played all these places, you know, what's next? Like, what is there left to do?

Which I get why people say that. It's like, what's next? I'll tell you what's next. The next fucking killer chunk of material that makes me excited that I could do upstairs at the belly room in the comedy store, and I would still feel like I'm floating when I'm going home. Like, whenever I start to feel a new chunk coming, I get, like, this high, and it's the exact same high I got the first time I ever did stand up where I didn't even do well.

Supposed to do five minutes, only did three. I bailed. It was a competition. I didn't even come close to winning it. But it wasn't about that.

It was about having the balls to go up there when they called your name. And I remember driving home in my 83 Ford ranger listening to Motley crue kickstart my heart, and I was fucking singing a song and screaming. I had the window out there, the window down, and it was just fucking awesome. And ever. It's just kind of been that, you know, I'm not gonna lie to you, there's been some.

I tell you, there's been some rough ones, but, like, overall, that's kind of like what it's been, so.

Yeah, there you go, man. That's. Yeah, and everybody held his grandkids. That could be your next special. I'm like, yeah, that's gonna be my next special.

But I know better than to, you know, I know what venues work for me. You know what I mean? Like, I know, like, I know Chris did his there and I thought his was awesome when he did his live one there, but it's also like, he did it, he did it. He just did one there. So I kind of feel like that's Chris's room a little bit, you know?

So, um, I'm gonna do my next one. I'm gonna do it in Seattle, which I think is gonna be a fun vibe. Cause they're like, that's a fun city. Cause you like, in the city, they're super liberal. And then you get right outside it and it becomes like red hats really quickly, which is what La's like.

You know, it's like here in, like, hollywood, bunch of liberals. You go on the other side of the fucking hill, right through the valley, and you get out there and then there's like, gun stores and just, you know, regular shit like you see in most of the country. So I. That's like, you know, the perfect crowd. I want liberals, conservatives, and a nice mix of people, hopefully.

Then it just opens up. You can talk about anything. All right, so there we go. That's. That's my Hollywood bowl experience.

Now let's talk about my sports experience since I last talked to you. The Bruins lost game six to Toronto and then play had to go back home with the series tied up yet again, back to back years being up three to one. Are we going to blow it again? And came home, say, at the TD Bank North Garden and had to play a game seven against Toronto and fucking two periods, just nobody's scoring. And I got to tell you something, man.

Those announcers were just blowing the fucking goalie for the Maple Leafs. They go like, well, you go. He makes a save like that, that gives a boost to this team that this guy is on. It's like we just shot it right into him. We kept shooting it right into his stomach, and they were acting like he was doing a full split, making a glove save.

So anyway, they score finally with it felt like, you know, 1012 minutes left in the game. And I was just going like, man, we are just flat as fucking hell. We don't have any jump. They're shutting us down. And then I don't even know who the fuck it was.

Someone who never. Was it Lindholm? I think it was Lindholm who had, like, three goals the whole year, gets the puck and just pauses, collects himself, didn't rush it, and just snipes one off the shoulder, off the pipe. The post, as I used to call it, into the net to tie it up. Right after they scored, we were like, holy shit.

And I was just going like, oh, my God, they're going to fucking blow this again. Toronto's going to fucking blow it again. Or break their hearts. They're not really blowing it. They're just breaking their hearts.

They couldn't just fucking lose in five games, you know? So then it goes into overtime, and it didn't last long. And Lindholm, like, that fucking pass. He wasn't throwing it to space. That was a fucking pass.

He couldn't put it on pasta stick because it was a defenseman there, threw it in front of him, came right off, ping pong off, right onto his fucking stick. And pasta was like, forehand, backhand, in the back of the neck. And just once again, I got to tell you, I don't know what to say to leaf fans and even that organization. Like, they're like, they're sitting there trying to solve the problem. It's like they've done every fucking move you could make for as long as I can remember.

Like, what do they do now? Like, they must be like, nose blind. Ship everybody out, bring a bunch of new people in. Did that. Fire a coach, get a new one?

They've done that. Get a new fucking GM. They've done that. What? What the.

What do you do? Break. You know, the core four is a time to break them up. I don't know what happens to them in the playoffs. I don't understand it.

And I hate that it happens to them every year, even though they fucking hate the Bruins and they're always. They're always fucking shitting on us. Like it's our fault that you guys lose. It isn't. We don't rub it in your face.

We hate the Canadians, you know, so my thing is, like, I hate that the Leafs keep losing because the Leafs losing is all Habs fans have now. So I want the Maple Leafs to win a cup more than anything. Bring a cup back to Canada, and, you know, and let the Canadians be sitting in a long drought, you know, which they already are, 31 years. So, I don't know. This year wasn't.

Didn't seem, from the reactions that I saw from Maple Leaf fans, they're just, like, numb to it. They're just like. I mean, every fucking year, you know, if you're a real leaf fan, you knew they were going to figure out a way to not win that game seven and ba ba ba ba ba. And all this shit and the usual stuff that happens when you lose. Then you start trashing all your stars and all of that, and I don't know, but I can't.

I can't. Didn't you know some. I heard them on the broadcast was saying that the Leafs won a first round against Tampa a few years ago. But when I go on the Internet, it says that they haven't won a playoff series since 2004. So I don't know what is.

So the very least, they've only won one playoff series in the last 20 years. I don't know.

You know? I don't know. I don't know. I'm not even gloating as a Bruins fan. I just sit like, I can't fucking believe we beat them again in a fucking game set.

We beat them three game sevens in the last. I don't how many, I think, in 1819. And now. Is that what it is? Last year, we lost to Florida.

I don't. I got kids now. I can't keep any of the years in. But Maple Leaf fans, I don't. Just stop hating on the Bruins, all right?

It's not. We. We don't hate you guys. We hate the Canadians, just like you. You know, we'd love to see.

We. Obviously, we want our team to win, but if we don't win, we'd love to see you win one. Okay? Just make sure your hatred is focused in the right direction, because I got, like, texts from three different habs fans that were like, thank you so much for beating the Maple Leafs. I don't know.

I guess it's English speaking Canada versus phony French Canada. It's like, you're not french. You're canadian. Nobody in France gives a fuck about you. They don't.

They don't consider you. They think you. They probably hate your French more than mine, and I'm terrible at it. All right? And with that, we're on to the reads here for this week.

Where am I going here? Oh, by the way, I got a great run of dates coming up. I got Columbus, Ohio, Nashville, Tennessee, who unfortunately got knocked out by the Vancouver Canucks. But I'm happy for the Canucks, you know? I'd love to see a canadian team win it, you know?

And they were like, the number. They won the president's trophy. Did they? They had a great year. I do know that.

And then I'm working, I think Winston Salem, North Carolina. North Carolina is always a fucking fun state to drive through. There's always some cool restaurant here or there to check out some mom and pop classic cars or whatever. It's great. So anywho, oh, so the day after, the day after I go to the bowl, I kept that caddy for an extra day.

And my wife had a shoot that she had to go do, so she wasn't around on Saturday, and I called up Dean Delray and Joe Bartnik, and we just took a nice fucking long ride with the top down. And it was just, it was fucking, I can't even tell you, man. Like those old cadillacs with the. I was, I've never been a convertible guy. Like, I don't like that.

Like a convertible on a small car is just, to me, it's just like a Hollywood starlet. It's like a chick car, right? Those big ones. I mean, you just start feeling like Nick Nolte in 48 hours. You know, where all the windows should be down except for that one triangle window in the back, that sky blue cadillac that he had.

I'm a ragtop man. Hammond.

Yeah, we cruised over to this great coffee spot over East LA. You know, we just had a fucking great time, and we were stuck in traffic and we just didn't give a shit. We're just laughing, talking comedy and music and all of that shit, and just cruised around. It was, it was really just a perfect, like, the next day, I will tell you this, like, the day after, for all you younger comics out there, I don't know how it works for you, but for me, the day after a huge gig is, is as fun as the huge gig is. You know, the Russia doing the huge gig.

I feel like the next day when you, when, when you just feel like that piano has been lifted off your chest of, like, you know, whatever you do, don't fuck this one up. You know, just waking up the next day, I've had that feeling so many fucking times. I remember the morning after hosting SNL and it went great. It couldn't have gone any better. I remember waking up the next day and, you know, I hear sometimes performers have, like, hangovers, like, oh, you know, like brides have that, you know, the focus is all on them.

And then the next day, they just wake up, their first day of being married and their time as a princess is over, and they're, like, bummed out. Like, I remember, I remember Nia was, like, bummed out. Like, I don't know, it was like, nothing to plan. There's no excitement or whatever. And I was like, what are you talking about?

We got the rest of our lives. You know, you fucking gave her a little half time speech. Little late placid speech. You know, so I don't have that, like, the day after, like, a big gig. I am.

I feel like I'm on vacation. So, you know, you just get so hyper focused on it, and then once it goes away, then it's like the whole universe just opens back up. Like, I think I'm gonna ride around on an old cadillac and go get a cup of coffee with some friends of mine and not have to. I don't have a gig tonight. I don't have anything.

So anyway. And today I spent the whole day with my kids just having, like, the best time. Oh, my God, they're so funny. They're just so goddamn funny. And they're really starting to get older, so now they're, like, messing with each other.

They're really passive aggressive towards each other, you know, like, you know that guy in your hockey team whose job it is to get under the skin of the other team just doing little tiki tack shit. When the ref's not looking, the ref's the parents, and this is what they do to each other. And then you turn around like, what is going on with you two? He pushed me. He's copying me.

All of that stuff. It's hilarious. So, anyway, let me do the reads here for this week. Couple of quick little reads, little advertisements here. What do I got, for God's sakes?

You know, at some point, I'm really gonna. I always say this every week at some point. No, no, no. I had it. I had it, and I just made the window go away.

Is this it? If this is it. Mm hmm. Please let me know. No, these are all the reeds.

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And the Oscar goes to. I don't think I ever saw that one. So anyway, what was I going to say? Yeah, so that's what people were asking me. They were asking me, now that you've played this place, you played that and all that stuff, what is there left to do?

You know, what there's left to do for me to have a killer stand up special? What's left for me to do is to go to Columbus, Ohio, Nashville, Tennessee, Winston Salem, North Carolina, and give those people their money's worth. That's what's left to do. I just keep doing that. What else am I going to do?

Stop doing this? Sit on my back porch and stare out into the woods? I mean, I love doing that, but, you know, I also have gigs coming up, so I enjoy it. But if I had no gigs coming up, I would just stare out into the woods until I went fucking nuts. And, you know, I'm crazy enough.

I need to have stuff to do. All right, so let's read your questions for the week. Comedy store and Hollywood bowl. Hey, Bill, I'm a big fan and I'm out here in LA for a couple of months working from Australia, and was at the comedy store for your main room drop in on Wednesday. Nightstand had tickets to the Hollywood bowl.

Just wanted to say thanks for a couple of unforgettable nights. It was so cool seeing how the jokes from the comedy store had developed and refined over those few short days and been woven into the longer format show. I had never been to the Hollywood bowl before, despite having seen many live performances at almost every other venue over the years in this city. And I couldn't have asked for a better debut at that. At the venue.

Well, I mean, that must be extra sick. I mean, if you're in Australia, you know, you going to see a show at the Hollywood bowl would be like me going to like Royal Albert hall or what's some. Well, you know what.

What's that one in Sydney? Sydney? Was it not the opera house? The Sydney.

The fuck? I did a gig there. The one that has. That's like all the shells coming up. God damn it.

My fucking memory is just going. That was a huge deal for me, performing at that one because that's also the one where Frank Sinatra went on and he called that, that critic a two dollar whore. You ever read that story three dollar whore or something? And there was all these feminists in the crowd, and they didn't like it. I mean, it didn't get the biggest laugh.

There's actually audio of it. And they made such a stink about it that they said they weren't going to let him leave the country. The prime minister wasn't going to let him leave the country unless he issued a formal apology to the reporter. So Frank gets word of that, and he pours himself a drink. He's up in this penthouse suite in Sydney, Australia, and he says to his lawyer, as he pours a drink, he goes, well, I'm not apologizing.

So now what? And there was this giant fucking standoff. I can't believe they haven't made a movie about that or fucking done some animated short. You know, remember those might, those Mike Judd things, the tales from the road, all the musicians, that would. That would have been a great one.

That would have been a great one. I didn't see every episode of that. They might have done that one. So anyway, that's so cool that you came here to. To America and you got to see a show at the Hollywood bowl.

I'm humbled that it was me. I mean, fucking Jim Morrison. One of the great concert films of all time with the doors has been on that stage. Frank Sinatra. When you go back there and you see pictures of Jimi Hendrix on the stage and everything, that's.

Maybe that'd be another reason why I felt a little lightheaded when I went out there. That was a lot. This guy says, thank you very much for a magical night last night. Again. You fucking killed it, man.

Thank you. And you know what? I did kill it. And I accept that fucking compliment. This is the new me, you know, the lighting and the sound or whatever.

Yeah, that was all great. And so was I. All right. I'm a good person. All right.

No cash bail.

Bill, you mentioned no cash bail in New York. Literally no one I know is for this. Yeah, I don't understand how that came about.

Everybody says liberals did that. Was that in the reaction to those RiCo laws or whatever where they put those. Those fucking girlfriends of drug dealers? Cause they had nobody to flip on and they went to jail for the rest of their life. So they overcorrect the other way and they let psychos go out and kill cops and all that horrible shit that's been happening.

Just does it feel like anybody's holding the steering wheel of the country right now? That's why I can't talk about this fucking election. It's just like two elections in a row. Three elections in a row has been. Our fucking idiot is better than your fucking idiot.

You know, like John McCain versus Barack Obama. That was like two competent fucking individuals. I will say Bush and Gore was a bad one.

Clinton versus Bob Dole was a good one. Clinton versus George Herbert Walker was a good one. George against Mike Dukakis before he stuck his head out the tent tank. That was a good one. Like, there's.

There's been like, Walter Mondale against Reagan. They've always been like, good matchups, you know, Reagan. Carter was a good one. I mean, I don't know if anybody knew that Reagan was gonna just let corporations run wild. It was kind of his fucking, you know, bad.

I guess that he listened to them, but he also fucking outspent the Russians and help end the cold war. So you gotta give him a thumbs up on that. You know, deregulating all of these fucking corporations so they can now do whatever the fuck they want. And I just love how they're fucking this whole country up. And, like, there's this giant segment of the white population that is still blaming minorities, literally.

Minorities. They're minorities. How are they running shit? They're not making any policy. They didn't poison our food supply.

They didn't port us, poison the water supply. They don't make decisions to get us involved in wars. I mean, I don't understand that. You know what's ruining this country? Fucking illegal immigration.

Is that. Is that why? Is that what's ruining it? That's what's ruining it. I literally saw this fucking video of this guy.

He bought, like, this classic Porsche spider from the 1950s, and he had rented a crane to have it brought in to just sit in the living room of his penthouse apartment. And, you know, he's gonna be in one of these big, stupid magazines talking about how the car is a work of art. I can just look at it and enjoy it. And that's one of those people that makes. They get their bonuses by laying off people and putting people out in the streets.

And then people drive down the street and they see people living under bridges. And who do they blame? They blame whoever the standing president is. And it's like, that's not what it is for one person to be taking that much meat off the bone. Somebody's not going to be able to eat.

Next thing you know, you're going to be outside and these fucking people cash those bonus checks and sleep like fucking babies next to a porsche that they have sitting in their fucking bedroom. Anyway, I'm off my fucking. That. That's just my version of it. So, anyway, I don't understand.

No, bail is just fucking wild west. I don't know why they're doing that. Anyways. The attorney general can't even justify it. Even my psycho left family thinks it's insane.

Yep. So once again, we've politicized it. It's like, who wants criminals running the streets? They don't. And you're.

You're. You're acting like all liberals who are like, yes, this is what we should do, rather than one idiot. It's like when I look at Trump, I don't look at him like he represents the republican party. You know, republican party, you know, has plenty of fucking level headed conservative people. I don't know why they keep choosing that guy any more than I understand why blue ties keep choosing a guy that clearly has cognitive fucking issues.

Anyway. Literally no one I know, blah, blah, blah. The attorney junkie, psycho left. Even my psycho left family thinks it's insane. And they're the type of people who have absolutely bullshit beliefs.

Like, if the government wanted 75% of our paychecks, it's for a good reason. Yeah, the reason is, is we regular people would be paying the tab that the fucking super rich chewed and screwed on. The ones that got us into this 20 year fucking war, and they lined their pockets with it and bankrupted this fucking country. And what do we do? We blame people who just came across the border.

Yeah, that's why we're fucking bankrupt, all right? Fucking Uncle Terry. When is he going to learn? Yeah, you know what it is that they're like, people who think that way and just stick to party lines like that. They're like those die hard, like fans of a band, and a band's 40 years into their career, and they put out a garbage album.

I'm not saying you can't put out a killer album, you know, but, like, if. If. You know. And they just. No matter what the album is, I like it.

There's a lot of good tracks on that. It's like, dude, come on, what are they doing? The guy can't sing anymore. What the fuck's going on? And they just can't see it.

People get that way with political parties, which I don't understand. It doesn't help anybody anyway. You wouldn't pass a law like this unless you were trying to keep dangerous people on the street to cause turmoil and chaos, probably in order to roll out crazy laws. Yeah, you know, I would love to argue against that, but who in their right fucking mind would have a no bail system? The term.

The term is controlled demolition of society. Think about, I don't understand. Why do these people want to ruin this country? It's such a great country, and you can be a complete nobody and you can make it in this country. Why do a select group of a few people want to end this for everybody?

It's just fucking greed, you know? And God knows CNN and Fox News are not going to call out these corporations because they get paid by them. So it's up to you as an individual to stop blaming political parties and individuals and races of people, you know, who get fucking intimidated. They can't even fucking vote. They're not swinging elections.

You got to fucking look at the handful of people that are doing this. Then I don't know what to do after that. Once you identify them, like the second person from Boeing, magic that whistleblower from Boeing magically died and is barely even a fucking story. But I can tell you this. If somebody retaliated, all right, if a worker from Boeing retaliated, okay, and anonymously killed someone on the high, higher up board of Boeing, the people that made this decisions to cut costs, allegedly and all of that, that would be a fucking story on Fox News and on CNN, and it would be called an act of terrorism.

We have to find this guy. And they would find them. That's where I am. That's how jaded I am. Anyway, think about it.

I've never. Okay, controlled demolition of society. Think about it. I've never heard anyone talk about civil war in this country. And now the news just keeps putting that in people's heads.

It's the you are what you eat of news propaganda. Here's an example of what's happening. New York City judge retires to Florida just days after freeing a man who sucker punched a 57 year old woman in the jaw. Brooklyn Supreme Court Justice Matthew Syria.

I can't even say that name. Sierra Reno. S c I a r r I n o. Retired and is moving to Florida after a bizarre ruling. Franz Judy was freed by Siriano last week, even after prosecutors upgraded the assault charged to a felony.

The Brooklyn DeA's offer requested $25,000 cash bail or $50,000 bond, but Siriato turned down the request. Victim Dolce Picciardo's jaw was completely shattered from the attack back in March. Her jaw was wired shut and she lost some of her teeth. Thanks, and love to the family. All right?

Okay. Just so everybody doesn't fucking put their head between their fucking knees here. There's a lot of great stuff happening in this country, and there's a lot of great people, okay? And we gotta stop doing this Hatfield McCoy's thing, all right? We need to help each other out.

You know, if you see a homeless person and they don't look like they're using, help them out. Get them a cup of coffee. It's gonna be on us because these people at the top are not human beings. They are. They're fucking sociopaths.

And I don't know. I don't know how you combat the fucking propaganda of CNN and Fox News. It's fucking insane. I mean, those are literally, like, almost like they should be on, like, the 700 Club network. They're like religions for some people.

Incel woman. Incel woman. All right, okay, here's a new one. I thought all incels were just guys had no idea. All right, let's see here.

Where the hell did it go? Okay, dear Billy misunderstood balls.

What's the term for a woman who hates men because they can't get one or always picks the wrong ones so they think we're all losers and assholes?

Oh, I forget. Well, if you're. If you're a guy and you do that, you're a misogynist misanthropist or something. I think that's hatred of humanity. There is a name.

If there's a name for a slob of a man who doesn't take care of himself and hates women, then what is the name for a woman's version? There is a name for it. I always have to look it up because they never say it. Just wondering. But it seems like no one is addressing women who bring nothing to the table and expect a man to be everything they wanted.

Tall, dark, handsome, and rich. I'm five seven, good shape, and a slightly less striking looking version of John Stamos. Well, you should be fucking crushing it. Even the runoff from John Stamis's life should be enough to get you in the hall of fame. I've had girls oogle ogle at me on dating apps, and then when we see eye to eye, literally speaking, they seem put off.

Also, I make good money but only live in a one bedroom apartment. That's good, man. Don't fucking blow all your cash. I dated a girl who was basically interviewing me for a few weeks while we hung out. Every question was loaded.

And even though she seemed to like me, she had this devil on her shoulder telling her she could do better. Well, listen, buddy, you dodged a fucking bullet. It's been four years and she's still single and continuing to interview every guy in the city with no luck. Her superficial ways have left her posting Instagram stories that every guy is a fuck boy and there are no good men out there. All right, well, why are you taking on whatever the fuck she's carrying?

I used to trash women all the time. I used to, and I still do, too. Mitch Hedberg. No, I don't. I've really gotten away from that.

And my shit was I couldn't figure out how to make a relationship work, so I did all of this shit. Trash and marriage. And why the fuck would you ever do that? And the reality was, is I wanted to be married. I want to be married and have a big family is what I really wanted.

I just didn't know how to do it. And I was frustrated, and I didn't realize that I was the problem. So what did I do? I blamed innocent people, you know. Sound familiar?

Happens all the fucking time. So that's what she's doing. So I wouldn't take anything, you know, anything that she's doing personally. I'll tell you what's great for your psyche is to have empathy for her and hope or pray that she comes out of this so she can find the person she's supposed to be with.

But other than that, you know, if there's some work woman walking around saying all guys are fucking assholes, and blah, blah, blah, blah, all right, I mean, that's what you think. Okay, so the person says, can't wait to see you perform live again. All right, you know what? I'm gonna find the word right now. Turn this thing off of airplane mode with the risk of somebody calling me, then I gotta fucking edit this thing.

Let's see here.

What is the name for a woman? I've looked this up a bunch of times in the podcast that hates men.

It is. Oh, a misandrist. M I s a n d r I s t. So misogynist is a guy that hates women. Misandrous is a woman that hates men.

And then if you're miss a misanthrope, I think is what it's called, you just hate all of humanity. And I don't know what the gay community has to fucking weigh in to. Let me know. If you're a lesbian and you hate other lesbians, then you're just probably some sort of self hating gay person or something. I don't know.

Anyway, yeah, I wouldn't take any of that shit on.

Something probably happened to her when she was younger. And, you know, she's probably afraid to get into a relationship, which is why she just kept interviewing you. Every question was loaded, and she wanted you to trip up so she could. There's the reason, there it is, and she could get out of it. Or she used to love men, and then she just dated such a fucking asshole, she's afraid to get into something else.

But guess what? You can guess all day. Until she says what it really is, you're never gonna know. And until then, she's gonna be on instagram blaming all men, which is a bad place to be. And I was.

I was there at one point in my life on the other side of the table. So I hope she comes out of it, and I hope you go find somebody that loves you. All right. Stupid new phrases. Bill, I'll get right to it.

I'm 38 years old, and I hate everything about pop culture. Oh, wait, let me put this fucking thing back into airplane mode so I don't have to edit this thing together. All right, I'll get right to it. I'm 38 years old, and I hate everything about pop culture, social media, etcetera. It started with the when you jokes, like when your Uber driver smells, then insert dumb picture.

Oh, yeah, that's sort of like the mad libs. They used to have. Like, not really. They're more like hacky stand up jokes. Like, people start speaking in social media speak, tell me you're a garbage collector without telling me.

You're a garbage collector. You can just insert any fucking job. Tell me you still live in home without telling me. And it just becomes like this, you know? Yeah, like a mad lib.

Like, the joke's already written. You just got to put the subject in there, and then all of a sudden, you're funny. So he says the new ones I hate the most is he understood the assignment? Yep. He stood on business idea.

There's a million of those fucking things. He wanted that smoke. But there are some fucking great ones, though. People are fucking like, I get blown away by some of the jokes people write. There was a band one time, they were all obese, and, you know, they were unknown band.

And in the comments section, people were fucking coming up with names for the band. And the only one I can remember, they were all fucking hilarious. The one that I really remembered was one of them called Jimmy eight World. Just like, oh, my God, Judas Feast. They were just fucking hilarious.

They were like. They, like, literally, like these people could write for a late night monologue. Fucking killer joke. So my hat's off to a. There's a lot of regular people out there that have come up with some fucking incredible jokes.

I mean, there was recently, I saw this guy had this giant head, and somebody wrote this. This guy dreams in IMAX.

All right. Stupid new phrases. Bill, I'll get right to it. I already said. Okay, okay.

The new ones I hate. He understood the assignment. It's worse when they don't even do it right. A girl I know posted this while holding a bottle of rose with no contest. The assignment was to buy a bottle of wine.

What are you even saying, sweetheart? You just want to join in and you don't know how. Yeah, they want to be the person that says, that was like, bagley, what is. What is my life even right now? That was one for a while.

Or you'd go this and have, like, the fucking emoji pointing to something above it. It's just. I don't know. It's what. It's what people do when they're in between being young adults and curmudgeonly old people that then you go the other way and you're like, I hate everything that people like.

Also, he says, using the first few notes to that sade song smooth operator, I got into an argument with a girl I was dating because of it. I asked her, don't you think it's a bit unoriginal? She looked at me like I had ten heads with dicks sticking out of them. The least she could have done to prove she wasn't a drone would be to say, yeah, but I think it's funny, or even defend it a little. Instead, she looked at me like I was from a different society with different values.

Ha ha ha. Fucking hate so much. Bill. Thanks for all the laughs. Yeah.

You know, you're in a lonely place, surf. You're in a lonely place. You're basically.

You're thinking for yourself and you're noticing patterns and you're like, well, how many times? Colin Quinn used to do these jokes about those office jokes that people would say not only everywhere, but the same person would say it all the time and people would still laugh. Like, you know, hey, I'd complain, but who would listen? And people would just laugh, you know, another dollar, another day. Same shit, different day.

All of that stuff. Those stock jokes. Well, there's. Yeah, those things in stand up or a stock line, the one that I heard for years and I finally thought about it doesn't even make sense. They're like, where'd you learn how to whisper?

In a helicopter factory? You know? And the idea was that there would be a bunch of helicopters and they're all on. It's like they're building them and why would building a helicopter be any louder than putting a truck together or a car? Still the same thing.

You're just assembling it, right? It doesn't even make sense. But just the idea of, like, I guess you'd say at a helicopter expo, but even then they're not turned on. You would never have a helicopter on inside of a factory with the fucking blades spinning around. I don't think OsHa would have been up on that.

So. Yeah, so, yeah, you're actually a thinking person, so you know what you have to do when you're around people like that. Because she's probably the kind of person that grew up and got hugged and was loved and everything. And, you know, they're like, the kind of people that when, you know, Halloween's coming up and everything becomes pumpkin spice, they love it, and they want to put on a turtleneck sweater, drink pumpkin spice and go apple picking. And guess what?

Guess what? There's nothing wrong with that. There's nothing wrong with that. Okay, so. And every once in a while, especially if you are like a curmudgeon or like a.

What do they call you when you. When you always have the opposite point of view?

A contrarian. A contrarian also sometimes can be a. You know, there's a lot of narcissists in contrarian clothing because it's just a way of arguing the other side. So you keep the attention on you. And then other people just are contrarians because they're miserable fucks and they just want to push everything away because that's what their parents did to them.

It all comes back to being a kid, I think, and I have no medical background whatsoever, so take all of this shit with a grain of salt. So just have more of a sense of humor about it, instead of saying, don't you think it's a little unoriginal? Just get really excited when you hear it and just be, oh, my God, is that a new song? Did that just come out? Or just act.

Just be an idiot about it?

Yeah, for a while, everything was let the bodies hit the floor and then people just shit on it. Enough. Let the finger hit the mute or something like that. Enough of those jokes. People stop using it.

But I don't know, it's a. It's all I would say, like the last two, okay, being a man or a woman and thinking that there's no good man or man or woman out there, and also being somebody that notices, why would you do the exact same joke as someone else? How many fucking times can you hear the exact same joke and not notice that. That you've heard this 13,000 fucking times before? Those are two lonely places to be in.

But I've been in both places, and my life landed. I landed on my feet somehow. So anyway, with that, that's the end of the podcast. Condolences to the Toronto Maple Leafs. As a Bruins fan, my heart goes out to you legitimately, and I'm rooting for you guys, all right?

So don't be a bunch of fucking cunts when I go up there, all right? It's not our fault. You know, you guys can't seem to get it together. So I have. I have no idea.

But I would love nothing better than an original six team that isn't a fucking Canadians team. Montreal Canadiens. To win the cup. Also the Bruins now move on to the Florida Panthers, and we get a chance to avenge the three games in a row that they beat us last year. Three games to one, to losing seven.

I mean, it made it easier that they went all the way to the Stanley cup final, you know, and almost won the damn thing. Well, actually, he didn't. Fucking. The Vegas Knights pretty much handled him, but that's because the Chuck was. We had a busted sternum at that point.

I think that guy was so good. I think that he could have pushed it to seven games. I still think Vegas wins it, but he was just like, I don't think I've been a while since I've seen somebody just willing their team to victory the way that guy did. That guy was everything you want in a player. So I'm looking forward to watching him play again.

I am not looking forward to what he does against my team. I will be there. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. Thank you to everybody who came out to the Hollywood bowl, and that's it.

I will check in on you on Thursday.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-6-24

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1: Opening Remarks

2: The Hollywood Bowl Experience

3: Reflections on Comedy and Life

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