Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr. How the fuck you doing? It's the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 27, 2024. Happy Memorial Day, you fat fucks.

Memorial Day. Thank you to all the troops. You know, everything we've done over the years to keep these bastards away from us, everything that you thought you were doing. But there was really something a corporation wanted to do. Thank you to all you guys.

Shout out to all you tubs of shit out there that are going to fucking, you know, make yourself a burger. Keel over, hibachi. Today, having a cardiac event only to be saved, only to be brought back by modern medicine. Right? To be yet another person put on Ozempic.

What are you doing? What are you doing? I'm shooting this drug into me. 0000 Zempic he was fucking hilarious. No one would put a fucking mask on and take the vaccine.

Everybody's running around those ozempic shit. You got seven year olds getting pregnant now.

Yes, but nothing with the top colored tie. I didn't, like, told me to do it, so it's my choice. Um. Oh, oh, oh. Ozembic.

You know, that's one of the things I really. I guess it's all. It's all. It's all the same. Um.

Why can't they just tell us what to eat? You know? They know you want to be in shape. Just do this. You can't figure it out.

You can't figure out they're all. All the fucking people, all the food people. They're all talking shit about each other. You know, the people that give you eggs. Cut the beaks off chicken and lay them sideways, stack them up in a fucking volkswagen because it's cheaper with a sunroof.

You know, they're all gone. Eggs are great for you. These things are delicious. They got plenty of protein. And beep up, boop.

And then the people that make egg whites are going like, you know, I probably stay away from those. Studies show that they lead to cancerous heart, kidney shit.

There should be one fucking answer. Tell me what to eat. Tell me what to put it with. I'm. What I do now.

I just go, veggies. And then I eat the protein. That's what the fuck I do. I drink water. Still drinking the coffee.

Not gonna lie to you. Not gonna lie to you, everyone. You know, I still have the coffee, but I got the coffee under control. Okay. All right.

I'm driving the ship.

Yeah. Somewhere along the line, I so odd on coffee that, like, only like one or two? Two a day. And then I'm like, all right, yeah, bill, we know you've been talking about it since you started drinking it two years ago. Anyway, what do I want to talk about?

I don't know. Let's talk. Let's talk a little bit. Let's talk some sports. Basketball.

Your Boston Celtics, up three games to none against the Indiana, paces one of the most highly intelligent basketball states in America, beating them at their own game. The Dallas Mavericks jumping all over the upstart Minnesota Timberwolves who play in the target center.

How is that guy on the Dallas Mavericks, only 25? That guy is. He's been through some shit, huh? Was he behind the fucking eastern block? That guy looks like a 34 year old divorced father of five.

They showed a picture of him and going, youngest guys, he started at 16, and that was like, 2015. And I'm like, wait a minute. 2015, nine years ago, 16. That guy's 25. He looks like the grizzled vet.

This is going to be a funny, funny NBA Finals, because the Celtics, this, I like to call this team, the introverts, they're stoic. I mean, the amount, like, they're. What are they right now? They're eleven and two in the playoffs. I think that they've done less.

Fist pumps. Fist pumps. You know, then they have victories. And then the Dallas Mavericks, I caught the end of that game. The 25 year old, 34 year old, you know, doesn't.

Takes a charge, whatever you said. He stands in front of the guy and he gets the call. Offensive foul. And he's on the ground, he's like.

And there was this other big goof on their team. Caught an alley oop, blocked his shot, and two times within, like, the last minute, he was going.

It's the dumbest shit ever, I can tell you this. Wilt Chamberlain scored 100 points in a fucking game. He probably didn't yell once. He still got the 100 points.

It's all that fucking trying to get on ESPN. I guess it's Instagram now. Jesus Christ. Everybody wants that smoke. Everybody's about that life, dawg.

You don't want to fucking be about that life when I want that smoke. Womp, womp.

Anyway. And then you know what? Oh, you know what else they're going to do? Kyrie Irving is coming back. So here you go.

A guy who didn't have a good time in Boston. Here we go. Bring. And he's a black dude, too. So, you know, immediately they're going to bring up that.

They're going to show that busing footage from the early seventies. And I'm thinking that they're actually going to try to freshen it up a little bit, put a little perfume behind the ear of this. This story that white racism only exists in the south and in Boston, Massachusetts. And they're going to. They're going to.

I think they're going to bust out some footage of the Charles Stewart case and completely ignore the fact that Kyrie Irving plays in Texas.

And I'll tell you, when I think of open minded progressiveness, first state that comes to mind. Texas. Oh, yeah.

Let me tell you what, I know you think that's your womb, but it ain't. It's the Lord's. And I know what he wants you to do with it, but I was raped. I don't give a shit. You're about to get shot.

How do you like that? Did you like that, Texas? You probably didn't. That was a cartoon depiction of your fucking state, right? They do that to us every motherfucker time.

Okay? Now, I'm not saying. I'm not saying that Boston isn't racist, okay? I'm not saying that. I would never say that.

But I'm not gonna sit here and act like, you know, fucking Milwaukee isn't Chicago. Los Angeles. The entire state of Idaho, the entire state of Indiana. Entire state of Indiana has one of the highest Klan memberships in the country. They never talk about it.

Never talk about, golly gee shucks, everybody out there puts their overalls on one fucking overall leg at a time. Milwaukee. Never say shit about that. Are out there, you know, making skin suits out of fat chicks from one town over. That's like the serial killer capital of the fucking world.

Nothing. Every time. When Milwaukee went to the finals and won it that year, were they showing shit about Jeffrey Dahmer? There has to be a happy meeting. But we, when it comes to Massachusetts, between showing, busing, or one of those stupid lighthouses.

I lived in Massachusetts for almost 30 years. I don't think. I don't know. The only lighthouse that I really know where it is is at Gillette Stadium.

So, anyway, they're going to ramp up that story, which is, like, beyond over. I mean, the guys like this is. We were, like two teams ago, but that's the angle that they're going to. They're going to shoot. So we'll see what happens.

Shout out. Oboso. Shout out to the Indiana Pacers, man. They're fucking. They're a good goddamn team.

This very easily could be two games to one. I feel like Minnesota is the same way. I was really impressed with the level of talent. Oh, were you, Bill? Can you even hit a layup?

All right, you're right. I shouldn't be talking like that. But as a sports fan, as a guy sitting on a couch burning no calories, I will say this. That Halliburton kid and that Miles Turner, Jesus Christ guy is a superstar and a leader out there on the court.

Al Horford. Al Horford went off. What do you have? Seven threes. Just a huge win.

And I think that that win, that Celtics win in game three was the most important win this version of the Boston Celtics has ever had. Easily the biggest win that we've had that I can remember going back to the last time we won a championship. I think it was so important for them to, you know, come down 18 points in the third quarter and make a comeback like that. I mean, now they fucking know that we're not out of any game. It's just.

It's just. It's a great thing. So. Cause I don't think that Dallas Mavericks, some, one of my buddies is like, I was watching the game yesterday going like, I'm not afraid of either one of these matchups. And I'm thinking, well, you're not playing either, are you?

There's no way a team makes it all the way to the finals, and they're easy to beat, so we'll see what happens. This could be amazing, though, if we win another one, then we got 18, and that's 18 legit Laker fans. That's 18 championships, all won in the NBA. Unlike yours, they were actually won. All of them were won in the NBA.

In Massachusetts. There wasn't four over here, one in that league. Mobbed up ref. Pile on team after fucking pile on team.

That is my issue with the Lakers. And then what's funny is, like, Laker fans, they've literally bought, like, six titles, their last six titles, and had a mobbed up rep help him pass Sacramento. I mean, granted, that wasn't on them, but that did happen. And then they'll be like, well, Boston bought it 2000. It's like, well, we had to at that point, that that was what the game was.

It was like the Red Sox. We weren't spending $200 million a year until the Yankees did. Like, what were we? They weren't stopping them. They came up with a luxury tax.

What were we supposed to do? That was the read. That's. That's why, like, the Astros didn't bug me until they didn't get shit for it. It's like, it's a.

Red Sox is being. Spending a buck 90. The Yankees is spending 200 million. They don't have that kind of money. They got to get a camera and wire guys up like they're trying to take down a mob boss and bang on a trash can.

All right? But they still should be called cheaters. And they're just going right past it now. Their first championship was complicated.

Amazing.

It wasn't. It wasn't a trash can. It was my interpreter. Okay, that all makes sense. No, those weren't mine, though.

That's. It's in my cousin's name. Oh, okay. That's fine. Nothing to see here anyway.

Yeah, we could have 18 titles. 18 fucking titles.

I don't know. We will see what happens. But it's weird. It still seems like a million miles away. And these fucking games, man, they just take that game, the game three.

I didn't die a thousand deaths just because we were getting killed. I just kept going, oh, you know, they shot 70%. Halftime, we're only down by 1012. I mean, that's. Maybe that might be fucking with them a little bit, you know?

And then it was like, halfway through the third quarter, we're down by 18. I'm like, all right, but you know what? They're kicking our ass so bad right now. I feel like we bounce back the next game, and then we'll be up three games to one, you know? But even after game three, I was thinking, you know, even if we lost that after game three, essentially it's a four game series.

So then did math steal the home court advantage? Because there's two left for each team.

Sorry. I'll tell you what's really been burning my britches lately is how every fucking every show now is trying to do the Shaq Barkley thing, have four fucking people, or do, like, the Howie long Show, the NFL thing, and it's just like, you're not going to. Why don't you come up with your own thing? If you notice that I don't give a fuck if you're watching people playing pickle, all right? When they cut to the booth, there's going to be five people sitting there, breaking down what you just saw.

There's going to be a chick and then four fucking dudes, two former players, two broadcasters, and abroad. And then they all going to sit around, and she'll introduce the question, so do you think they held the paddle on the wrong side? We're going to start off with Michael. Oh, you know, in all my years of playing pickleball. I got to tell you, one of the things that I feel, you know, you just fucking grab that paddle and you just start swinging it.

Feel good. Feel good. And then they go to the broadcast guy. Well, you know, if you take a look at the. You know what coach so and so says about the fundamentals of pickleball?

Who the fuck sits and watches that shit I thought was blowing my mind. I was flipping back and forth between the, say, watching yesterday. I was watching. I can't remember. I watched so much sports.

It was either the Celtics game or the Mavericks game, and the Rangers were playing the Panthers, and I was flipping back and forth, and I don't know how it fucking works out, okay? Hockey plays 20 minutes, intermission, 20 minutes intermission, 20 minutes. Basketball plays 24 minutes. Halftime, 24 minutes. Maybe that's what it is.

It's 24 minutes. Somehow when the NBA gets to halftime, the NHL is in the first intermission. This doesn't make any sense to me.

I guess it's only four minutes off. NBA is slower. No, but they're playing more minutes. I don't know how it works, but anytime I flip over, I'm like, all right, maybe I'll catch the last few minutes of the first period, the first couple minutes of the second period. You know, that's what should probably happen, because considering they're playing 20 minutes, and it's just not.

It's just always. And then I'm looking at four guys in suits. That one guy with the mustache who fucking hates the Bruins.

Oh, my God, that Panther series, when he scored that goal and they looked at that fucking play from like, nine different angles, it was actually interference.

Bennett's punching marshawn in the head, like, wow. You know, he's one of those guys, he plays on the edge. I mean, maybe I'm. I mean, maybe I'm biased. Of course I'm fucking biased.

But, um, I still think I'm right. I still think I'm right. I still think Jesus agrees with me. You know, I've been. I've been.

I've been. I've been going around the country and I noticed that my people are all kind of breaking off into their own militia groups, having their own version of the flag while saying they don't live a privileged life.

I ain't privileged. I ain't rich. That's not what it means. It's not what it means. It's how you move through the world.

You are in a white nationalist group with your own military uniforms, semi automatic weapons, and your own version of the american flag. And the FBI has not infiltrated you yet and assassinated your leader.

You couldn't do that if you were puerto rican. Could not do that. That would not be monitored. That would be infiltrated anyway. But in the spirit of them white national groups, you know, I've decided if they can have their own american flag, I can have my own Jesus.

My Jesus is a ginger Jesus. My Jesus did not get a hair system. He looks like me in his image.

Sorry, it's the coffee man. I had some nice fucking little banana pancakes. Yep, I had bananas. What are you.

Did I tell you I was doing that bit and these two gay guys got up and fucking stormed out. Fucking homophobe. And fucking stormed out. I didn't hear what they said. It wasn't until after a friend of mine came up and she told me, she said, they said homophobe, right?

And I was like, that bit was making fun of homophobia. It was making fun of it and not being in touch with your feelings as a man, and it causes you to drop of a heart attack at 61 years of age. That's what the bit was. But they stormed out in the middle of it, right? So then, like, three days later, I get back from the gig and I get this email from some random guy, and he's just going into graphic detail of the homosexual acts he wants to do with me, right?

Like, I'm talking like a fucking page and a half. And I just wrote back to the guy, I go, you know, if you two had stuck around to hear the rest of that bit, you would have realized it was making fun of homophobia. You know, next time, don't, you know, be so quick just to, you know, be judgmental or whatever like that. And the dude never wrote back.

It was him.

Fucking hammethat. Shut up. Why don't you work on your own fucking issues? Like, you don't have issues. And.

And you didn't even listen to what the fuck I was saying. You didn't even listen to what the fuck I was. You're actually guilty or what the heck you. Well, no, you're calling me a homophobe, but you're guilty of being. You believe that?

Prejudice. Prejudice against Italians, prejudice against a comedian. Tell you. Don't even wait for the end of the fucking joke. However, it is Seattle, okay?

And you know how Seattle is. It's a bunch of fucking people getting rained on, like, literally and metaphorically. It is a great sports town. I will give them that. And it's a beautiful town.

You know what I actually, like Seattle. When the fuck did I start hating Seattle? Oh, I think. I think it was. Yeah, it was during the.

The Seahawks Legion of Boom. Oh, yeah. Remember that? Legion of Boom. Legion of positive steroid tests is what they should have fucking called them.

But it's all right. It didn't happen in New England. Say nothing to see there.

Um. You mad, bro? You mad, bro? Then loses in the Super bowl to us. And then he's like, hey, great job.

Everybody's like, what a class act. It's like, anybody can be a class act when they lose. What are you going to say? You see who you are when you win? You're not fooling me.

That was running all up on Tom Brady like that, fucking trying to desperately get brought into his orbit of greatness and fame. You run along, mister cornerback.

Yeah, he goes and he beats you guys in the fucking Super bowl. And then he leaves the Patriots and goes to arguably one of the saddest franchises in the NFL, and he wins another one there. So there you go. He's not mad at anything. Oh, man, this coffee is just making me say things, you know?

How about the New York Rangers beating the Florida Panthers back to back games after a one to nothing drubbing in Madison Square Garden to start off the series. They fucking smothered them that first game. Chloroform rag right over their fucking mouths. Sh. It.

What? Nothing. Fuck off. It's gonna be a quick, agonizing series. And the Rangers said, oh, I don't think so.

Oh, let me get a bacon egg and cheese and a couple top shelf ot fucking go. I don't think they were top shelf, but came back and beat those fuckers. Now, this is what's great about this. I love that the Rangers are up two games to one because the fucking Florida Panthers, I'm telling you, they're like Jason at Crystal Lake. You're running away from him, and he's just briskly walking, and somehow they just.

They're just going to walk them down. I still think the Panthers are going to win that series, but I have PTSD from watching my team play them two years in a row. Hopefully the Rangers will get. But I also like to be great to see the Panthers bounce back from the losing in the finals. So we'll see.

Or it'd be great to see Edmonton bring the first Stanley cup in 31 years. Or the Dallas. Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Is anybody talking about how the Dallas Stars and the Dallas Mavericks are in the finals of both sports?

Oh, wait, that's right. It's not happening in Los Angeles. Los Angeles or New York, it doesn't matter. Oh, it's really New York. It was happening in New York.

They'd be like the subway trans fucking across two sports series. And they would be selling tickets. T shirts. Sorry, be selling t shirts. Remember that show when the Mets played the Yankees and all those New York Connecticut fucking jerk offs on ESPN were losing their fucking minds.

The subway series is gonna be fucking huge. And nobody watched it except for some sad met fans in Queens and then all the Yankee fans, you know, a lot of transplant yankee fans. Who's your team? The Yankees. Oh.

Where'd you grow up? Florida? Pittsburgh. Oh, yeah. How come you're not a Pirates fan?

Florida. The big excuse growing up was like, well, you know, there was no baseball teams down there. Oh, so you just jumped on the bandwagon of the most successful one. I'm a college football fan. I like the Alabama Crimson Tide.

I don't. Yeah, you know, you're like a gold digging whore of a sports fan. Why don't you have a little bit of hot, you know, should be a Royals fan.

Why don't you commit sports, harry, cary and fuck it. Become a Pittsburgh Pirate fan. I'm actually a Pirates fan.

Here's one for the. I think that the MLB, right? They should have like decade week, you know, and the teams go out and they wear like their uniforms from back in the day. Like I would just love just one time, one more time to have seventies week. And the Giants with those bright orange home uniform.

The Astros, who else had great ones back then? Oh, I was talking to Bartnick with this. The Cardinals. That blue with the red. The road ones.

What are the Red Sox? We had the red hat back then. Um.

The expos. Yeah. Just have the nationals dressed like the expos. I don't know, it's just. It's over, Bill.

The seventies and the eighties are over, Bill. At some point you're just gonna have to move on. All right, well, you know, just think of the amount of jerseys you could sell. Cause everybody, everybody buys the jerseys, right? Don't they?

I don't know. Oh, man. I've been having a dad weekend this weekend. I'm talking like I bought a Gopro last year. I still haven't figured out how to use it, and my daughter's all over me.

So I'm watching this YouTube video. I gotta watch it in like three minute bursts and have to pause. I'm about eight minutes in. God bless this guy who broke down the exact GoPro that I have. Oh, my God.

Just immediately, like, the first thing you're gonna have to do is plug it in and charge it. After you charge it, then you gotta fucking download the app. And then the things like, can I have access to all your family photos? It's like, no, you can't go buy that information from Apple. It's all up on the cloud, right?

So I gotta get that done. You know, my son, his birthday's coming up, and some of his little friends got him. Got him some gifts or whatever. So I was putting together this hot wheels thing. I had my glasses, reading these black and white instructions, trying to figure out where to put the stickers.

I got out my tweezers for some of the smaller ones, and I was very proud of myself. I got the whole thing together without losing my shit. And then I went to get up. Oh, my God, my back was. I don't know how.

I was just sitting. I was sitting indian style, just sitting there. My lower back. When I got up, I was like. I was like, fuck.

Anyway, let me read some of the advertising here for this week. We're going to read the ads for your ass this week. Where the hell are they? Scrolling, scrolling, scrolling. Oh, look who it is, everybody.

It's game time. Game tab makes tickets, getting tickets for concerts and events faster and easier. Even if you don't buy tickets right away, prices on the game time app actually go down like a hoo. The closer it gets to the show's start time with killer last minute deals, man. All in prices view from your seat and your lowest price guaranteed.

Game time takes the guesswork out of buying concert tickets. Priority last minute deals save up to 60% off buying last minute for sports, concerts, comedy, theater, etcetera. Flash deals. Oh, God, they're getting perverted. Save even more with an exclusive in app.

Deals on select seats ahead of the game or event zone deals save even more when you choose a section and let game time choose the seats. All in pricing. Toggling. This feature shows the total upfront with no surprise fees at checkout. Seat fuse.

Jesus fucking Christ. They're gonna go through everything. Seat views. Get a panoramic view from your seat in the app before you buy the lowest price guaranteed or game game time. We'll credit you 110% of the difference.

Game time ticket coverage. Your purchase is covered with the most flexible customer service policy in the ticketing industry. More flexible than that? Broad up the street. Take the guesswork out of buying concert tickets with game time.

Download the game time app create an account and use your code burbur for $20 off your first purchase terms. Supply. Again, create an account. Redeem code. Spell out burr b u r r for $20 off.

Download game time today. Last minute tickets, lowest price. Darren Falken the.

You know, it's funny. There's this guy, this New York sports fan who does. He shoots these sketches. It's a New York fan going into a deli with two Boston fans. It's a fucking sketch.

And what's hilarious is in the comments, people are acting like the New York fan beat the two Boston guys. It's like, dude, it's a sketch. This is pathetic. This isn't real. This is like if you're the star of an action movie and you can't fight your way out of a wet paper bag, and then you go beat up a bar and everybody's like, wow, man, that guy's tough.

It's a movie.

How bad are you at arguing sports that the only way you can win is if you fucking write a sketch about it anyway? Oh, man, this coffee, it's causing me to say things people. Dish. Dish freckles.

Have I been telling you guys how well I've been getting along with the lovely niacin? Yeah. All I did was I just. I just dialed down being an asshole a little bit, you know, brought up being a little more affectionate, throw out a few more compliments, just went a little more easy going.

Been made all the difference in the world because that's the level of cunt that I was.

Even just being less of a cunt feels like a springtime breeze. All right, british baseball fan. Holy shit. Really? All right, I like it, I like it.

British baseball fan. Billy big spuds emailing in from the UK. How are you? How's it going? Oh, Premier League, right?

It should be heating up over there with your fish and chips and your fucking pasty thighs, right? And singing the song, right? Your mom's an ugly bitch. Your mom's an ugly bitch. Your fucking mom's an ugly bitch.

Hey, hey, hey. Whatever the fuck you guys sing to each other, it's always something. Fucking mean wanker. Right? You can't fucking read, mate, but you can listen.

Here's a song for you. A one, a two. All right. Emailing in from the UK. I've been watching some of the MLB as one of our channels has recently gotten the rights to show it.

So now I need a team. I'm looking for a team similar to my soccer team that I grew up with. Liverpool well, don't the Red Sox own Liverpool? Maybe you could, you know, come on over to Fenway, a good team with one world class player to carry the team to greatness. Steve C.

Stephen Gerard 2005 2006 I started watching the NFL just after that. So Aaron Rodgers packers were my pick. Both historically great teams as well. I understand that. I mean, you got to go like, you know, like most Americans over here, if they got to name a team before they really started showing the games over here, most people just by default went man United because that's the only team that we knew.

You know, when I go over to Europe, you see a bunch of Yankees hats, and every once in a while you just see a random one, someone have, like, a Colorado Rockies hat on. You're like, that's got to be a tourist. They got to be from Denver. And then you meet them and they're like, from the fucking Ukraine, and you're like, how did you become.

Anyway, what do we got? Could you recommend a baseball team for me to follow? Love your work. Yada, yada, yada. Go fuck yourself.

You're very american, dude. You're watching the NFL. You got, you got. You're looking for a baseball team, and then you're doing the yada, yada, yada from Seinfeld.

Could I recommend one for you to follow? Let's see. Well, I will, you know, be cool if you followed one that was like, not buying up the league, but then you don't want to follow some miserable one with shit owners like the Pirates.

That's a good goddamn question. Depends on what you like. I feel like, you know, the braves are a really fun team to watch, but you're going to get your heart broken because they never seem to be able to get it over the top. I've always liked the Dodgers, but now they've just paid so much money for everybody, you know, I don't know. They already won one.

You know, they got the Astros back or whatever. So let's see here. That's a good question.

Well, I would either go Red Sox cause you're from Liverpool. Other than that, I wouldn't suggest my own team. Red Sox are kind of mediocre. Phillies. You might like the Phillies because I think some of their fan behavior, you know, with all the soccer hooligans from back in the day, it might.

You might find it funny. They're, you know, they're a bit of a parody of themselves. Like, I feel like a lot of the stuff that they do now on camera, they're just doing it because they're like, I'm from Philly. I'm a crazy fucking filiga. I don't even know what I'm gonna do.

Right?

That would be a good one. Yeah. And other than that, if you just want to, like, pile on, you know, the Orioles are playing well. Tampa Bay Devil razor, a good one. But if you just want to, like, pile on, you know, I would go, yeah, my Red Sox aren't that good.

Yankees. Um, yeah, that's about six right there. Six to choose from. I was kind of hoping the Padres were going to come on. They, you know, they spent a bunch of fucking money.

And then the Dodgers was like, oh, no, you don't. Ah, no, you don't. We're gonna take care of that. But welcome to the world of baseball. I will tell you, if you can somehow listen to it on the radio, it's probably the best sport to listen to on the radio.

You just sit there in a lawn chair listening, you know, smoking a cigar. It's fucking amazing. All right. More men are stupid commercials. Hey, Billy.

Crimson crutch.

I got too much banner in me. I remember way back on one of your older podcasts when you talked about an eye rolling, inducing commercial with the woman taking care of the family business on the computer inside while her bumbling, idiotic husband stuck a broom handle into a beehive and was mobbed by a swarm of bees. Yeah, that was literally a commercial. And then she, like, rolls her eyes, like, ugh, he's a fucking idiot. And it's just like, the guy was so dumb, it made her look stupid.

Like, well, what are you doing with this guy? He's like a fucking 35 year old eight year old. Oh, man, the coffee's cold now. Jesus Christ. I remember you begging rhetorically for the chauvinistic version of that commercial where the mom has his shit together.

Sorry. Where the man has his shit together and takes care of everything while his wife is portrayed. Portrayed?

I like how this is arguing to show a dumb woman I can't even pronounce half the words is portrayed. I don't have my glasses. Is portrayed as a woman so stupid that I, like. You can't even think of a womanly blunder. That would be on the level of ridiculousness.

I completely agreed with your assessment. It was a blatant double standard, because everyone knows what would happen if a commercial with the woman portrayed in the same way were to air. Sadly, we have a similar commercial airing now that I would say is arguably worse. It's an Amazon commercial. Well, here's the thing.

My take on that was my take, like, ten years ago.

And now I have a different perspective on those. Like, they. The reason why they're able to do that is cause men run shit, right? Men run the world and men invent all the shit, even though that's not true. White men invent all the shit, even though that's not true.

But that's basically the vibe that's put out there that white men kind of are running things. You know, we invented everything. You. You shut up and we'll take care of you because we're the fucking whatever, right? Which obviously is racist and wrong and all that type of shit.

So how they try and make it up while still not doing anything about the actual problem is they just are forever showing women in these sitcoms all the way back to, like, the honeymooners. The woman's always smarter, the guy's always a fucking idiot because actually writing to adults is work. But it's very easier. It's much easier to just do the odd couple thing. You know, he's a slob and he's fucking a neat freak, you know?

So they just. They just do the thing. You know, she's actually the smart one and, you know, he's an idiot, but, you know, he loves her. Baby, you're the greatest. You know, so they kind of do that.

So in a way, you know, I don't think, you know, first of all, I don't think it's women who are writing these commercials. It's probably men, if I had to guess. So that's my new perspective on it. That that's like, okay, we're gonna run everything. We're gonna make more money per hour to do the same job you're doing.

So we don't wanna change that. So we'll just keep making commercials where we. We just say that you're smarter than we are as we make more per hour to do the same job. Anyway, it's an Amazon commercial. This is the new one with a stay at home dad who is portrayed as a soft, moronic, and, for lack of a better word, pussy.

He appears to be hanging on by the skin of his teeth because he is made to be so incompetent. He's kicked in the face by his baby and appears to have just discovered coffee and barely knows how to make it. Question mark. Give me a break. To add insult to injury, his wildly successful and powerful wife comes in to offer him sex at the end of the commercial for finally figuring out the cappuccino.

Slash espresso machine.

Jesus Christ. I haven't even seen a porno with a fucking storyline. That's stupid. That is awful. What's even more awful is I somehow fucking blown by.

What did I do here? I scrolled past it. All right. Okay. And to compare his reaction and mannerisms to a pathetic little puppy would be an insult to puppies.

Oh, when she finally is going to give him some. All right. Before anyone comes for me, my mom and dad took turns staying at home with me and my sister. So seeing a stay at home dad with a breadwinner mom is not my issue. My issue here is the ridiculous and exaggerated caricature of a completely inept man who seems like he would lose his dick if it weren't attached to his body alongside a flawless and badass woman who has everything together.

I'll take a page out of your book here. Amazon, please do a commercial where the husband is a powerful lawyer or CEO and his wife is portrayed as a completely unskilled and terrible mother. I dare you. Thanks for the laughs. Come back to Minnesota for a hot dog redemption and go fuck yourself.

I must had a bad hot dog out there. I don't remember. Um, yeah, you know, but at the end of the day, dude, it's. I think it's guys writing those fucking commercials. I really do.

And like I said, it's. It's. We know we're fucking them over. So then, you know, our little sort of like, oh, here you go, honey. Let me fucking pull the chair out for you.

As we just write these things where, you know, I'd be lost without her. I don't know what to do. She picks out my clothes. Do do do do do do, right? And then she's just rolling her eyes, but, you know, she puts up with it because she's the rock in the family and da da da da da da da da da.

Right? So, you know, at the end of day, it's a fucking commercial. What are the. What are they gonna do? They gonna write?

They're gonna write like a. Trying to think of an Oscar winning movie. The first one I thought of was Schindler's list. That's probably not a good comparison. Trying to think of a good.

Oh, anatomy of a fall.

That right there, that fucking argument that they had in that movie when they were in trial, and they flashback to the argument. The level of writing is at the highest level. And this thing, you're watching a commercial on Amazon. What do you think? You know?

Do they even pay writers at Amazon?

How many trucks. Do you have to load before they give you that writing job? Oh, this interests me. Here. Scheffler situation.

Hey, Bill. Turns out Scotty didn't get white guy privilege. I'm sure you saw all the videos of the incident proving the cops lied, and I didn't. I didn't. I just watched the games.

I don't watch all the bullshit. Well, then my apology to Scotty. Scotty Scheffler. Yeah, I was just joking around. Obviously.

I didn't think he was yelling, I am a white man with a tee time. Get out of my way. I didn't think he was actually doing that. It's just the. It was the easy joke.

I went a little Amazon there. That's for the rest of the time on the podcast. All right? That's the new thing. All right.

If you just sort of phone it in. Yeah, yeah. I went a little Amazon. You know what? I could have tried it a little harder.

All right, let me see if. Oh, you fucking cock sucker. You know what you just made me do? I clicked on the fucking Instagram link, and then it shuts off my microphone. So I just talked for another ten minutes.

I'm never going to finish this fucking podcast. All right? So I wasn't able to watch it, and I shut off my recorder. Anyway, he said the whole week people are arguing about whether a white athlete could get away with something that didn't happen. Yay.

Now we get to talk about such hits as well. Don't. You can't discredit that the way fucking idiot. My people always do. Um, the amount of my people that act like racism doesn't exist or get over it, or that fucking idiot on Twitter going like, just don't bring it up.

Don't talk about it. And then, you know, oh, is that how we cure it?

Who would know better than a white guy with a laminated face on how to fucking solve racial issues? Why don't you work on the suspension of your fucking car before you make it go any faster? They're fucking shiny. Yes, I know. And then they go on and on and about all that stuff.

Yes, it was. It was, you know, complete waste of time. Yeah. If nothing really happened and they blow it out of proportion. Yeah, they do that all the time.

Anything from fucking deflategate to shit like this. And they don't give a fuck. They. They're not trying to get to the bottom of any sort of racial issue. What they're trying to do is upset people.

Controversy and all that. So you watch so that they can make money. That's all they give a fuck about. None of them give a shit. Nobody fuck.

Nobody on fucking tv gives a fuck. You know, all of those fucking idiots on both of those news channels, they don't give a shit about this country or they're fucking morons, which I don't think they are. But I don't know how you could be working for either one of those networks and say that you love this country when you're just dividing people every day. And not only dividing them like, you got them going at, you got them going after each other.

I don't know. I've talked about this till I'm blue in the face. And what pisses me off is everybody that I say it to agrees with me, okay? Everybody. Oh, yeah.

Anytime I say it, my shows like, you gotta stop watching 24 hours news networks and everybody fucking applauds and it's just like, so who's watching it? Everybody who isn't at this fucking show. It just doesn't make sense. At some point somebody should be yelling back like, I like 24 hours news networks. I think what they're saying is true.

All right, Steve Jobs license plate avoidance. Billy Sunburnt Burr, about a month ago, I heard your Thursday afternoon podcast throwback section where you talked about financially savvy, wealthy people and how they avoid the government and the public. I recently saw a story about how Steve Jobs, parentheses, Apple co founder. I love that you wrote that. Oh, would that piss him off if he was still alive?

Everybody knows who I am was able to drive without a license plate for multiple years in layman's term parenthesis. God knows you can't read. You know, guys, when someone has a learning disability, I don't think you need to kick them when they're down. He would lease a new mercedes slash 65 65, traded in for a new one every six months, and allow himself to drive without a license plate during the lease period when he was driving the vehicle. That was a policy allowed by California until his California highway patrol officer was killed by someone who was utilizing this tactic.

And eventually the California government required temporary tags for all newly leased purchased vehicles. In your experience, do you have any advice for people wondering about leasing versus owning approach to their cars? A long time podcast listener. Well, that made a left fucking turn. Well, I don't know.

Do you want to go kill somebody? I would. Evidently. The way to go is lease the car. Hmm, let's see here.

I'm of the belief that you order a car with everything that you want, right down to the custom color. And then you buy the car and you drive that fucker until the wheels fall off. That's what I do. My car is nine years old. I love that thing.

You know what I love about the car is all my seats are in pristine condition except for the driver's seat. It's all wrinkled and fucking broken in.

But I don't know. I like owning stuff and taking care of it.

And I don't like electric cars. I don't like them because I don't know if the gas combustion cars are the same way. But, like, the dashboard on my cars, I got it in October 2016, right? Oh, wait. So it's coming up on eight years.

My fault. Almost eight years, right? I ordered it in June, and it showed up in October, and it was exactly the car I wanted. The exact color, the rims, the package. The whole thing has a supercharged v six.

It's not a heavy car, so it can move, and you have the option of going in and out of it. So most times, you know, it's la. I don't. You know, when I switched into the supercharged mode is when. Cause if you stomp on the gas, even if you're not in that mode, it's gonna kick in.

But, like, if you just drive around town to conserve fuel, it won't. But if you put it in to racing mode, I use it at red lights. When I want to make a lane change, I got to get off the line. That's the only time I really use it.

But anyway, my wife has an electric car. You know, her lease was up on the other one, so she got another one. And, like, just the sheer amount of fucking information. You know what I hate? Like, I'm driving down the highway and it's like, there's information on the windshield, which just blows my mind.

So you have to be able to go into settings.

Like, I was driving a car and I. You know, and I put in, like, the address or she did it, and there was, like, so much information, like, on the giant iPad and then on the windshield that I. You know, for a second, I was getting frustrated, and I was like, no, this is like flying a helicopter. This is the avionics. You just got to learn where, you know, you're not in your helicopter, so you don't know where to look for the information you're looking for.

And then I was able to figure it out. I just sort of went into that mode. It wasn't bad. But, like, if I owned that car, I would go into settings and shut off that windshield thing. I can't believe, like, this stuff on the windshield.

I'm supposed to be looking out, trying not to hit somebody. And if there's no way to shut it off, I would just take a box and I would cut out a piece of cardboard and just put it over the thing that it reflects off of so it doesn't bounce back and go onto my windshield, and then that would be it.

I just. I just. It's just too much shit going on. I was driving to a kid birthday party, and Nia put on some Michael Jackson for the kids. And right on Eddie Van Halen's guitar solo, of course, the Google chick.

Google map chick, he goes, you know, it's not like, take the next right, exit 24 a. It's like, take the next exit 24 a onto Sandusky street and head east for 4.2 miles. Like, shut the fuck up.

Your destination is on the right. You have reached your destination. And she just talks over the whole fucking solo. Why did I say Sandusky? The guy from Penn State.

Oh, my God.

Anyway, yeah, I'm not. I am a fan of, like, you know, if you have the money, I would go out and buy an old car and buy old car. I just mean something from something that you wanted as a kid, the eighties, the nineties, whatever it is. I would go out and buy that something with the straight body and get yourself a good mechanic and have them fix that fucking car up. And I would drive around in that.

I don't know, I just. I like the older cars and stuff like that. I like driving, like, I don't know what's been going on with me lately, but I've been driving. I got that 68 f 100, and there's just something about it getting in the thing. I can't listen to my music or anything.

It's got just an AM FM radio, three on the tree, and just, like, cruising around, you know, it's got three speeds. I mean, where am I going? Not driving fast. And I just. I find it very, like, cathartic.

I kind of like driving around and I stay off of highways, and I don't know, there's like, a solitude to it that I just feel like in the future. It's funny, you know, me and my wife being opposites, you know, other than the obvious reason she loves all that shit. And she'll just be like, you know, hey, so and so, you know, fucking play Michael J, like, talks to the car, and the car is talking back to her, and she has no problem with it. And I'm just going like. And I'm just sitting there going like, this fucking thing is listening to me.

Is it recording us? Is it filming us? Like, what is happening right now? I just find it really.

It's intrusive. It's bizarre. So if I was somebody young, I don't know, what are you gonna do? You're just gonna buy another fucking car that looks like every other car out there? Or you could go back and you could get something cool.

Get something. And that's not the thing, too. All of these classic cars, they're not a lot of money unless you buy the one that the baby boomers want. Like, right now, baby boomers are fucking up the truck market, you know? Cause they're trying to add it to their collection.

Because, you know, the truck market is on an upswing. They have no love for the fucking thing. I just saw a fucking Ford f 250. Crew cab went for $225,000. Rotisserie fucking body off.

No. No expense spared on a fucking crew cab f 250. It's like, why wouldn't you just get that thing fixed up? I wouldn't even fuck with the body. You could take it off road.

You could have such a great time in that truck, but you turned it into some. Oh, oh, don't. Could you not lean against that? Don't, don't. Thank you.

Thank you. I spent a quarter of a million dollars on that.

Um, all right.

I swear to God, what? What I keep doing with this thing, where it just keeps going back to the top of the document. I don't even know how I'm doing it. I couldn't do it if you paid me, and I've done it, like, nine times. All right.

Abandon in ocean. Oh, my God. One of the scariest things ever, other than being eaten alive by a komodo dragon, a bear, or pulled apart by wild dogs. Other than that, getting tossed in the fucking ocean, hoping hypothermia kills you before the sharks do. All right.

Longtime listener, fellow aviator. I love hearing from pilots. And first time writer. I have a story. Jesus, what, did you time travel?

I have a story, laddie, that I believe would be up there with your worst nightmares. That happened to me in my late teens over 20 years ago. Oh, my God. Myself and three best friends were on holiday in one of the greek islands. We wanted to go out into the ocean and swim with the turtles known to live, lay eggs, etcetera, on this particular island, rather than pay a load of money to take a tour on a glass bottom boat that would track these turtles.

We rented a pedal o p e d a l o, not one of those little boats you pedal loaded up with goggles and flippers for our feet and pedaled out a good mile. Oh, my God. Or so to these boats.

Oh, my God. Without a care in the world, myself and a friend jumped in and it didn't take long to see these enormous turtles in their natural habitat. The water was crystal clear vertically and while it wasn't crazy deep, it was about 25 30ft to the bottom and I wasn't able to get down there horizontal. It was clear to about 50ft before it got murky. Dude, who's watching the pedal boat?

I was having the time of my life while these boats were clearly pissed off and I saw a few of them whiz by. And then in itself, wasn't that enjoyable to see their propeller churning up the water that much? I had purchased an old school waterproof disposable camera and spent a good 45 minutes swimming and taking pictures underwater with these turtles. That all. Oh, dude, this is fucking freaking me out.

Well, you're alive because you're writing this. Okay, here we go. That all came to a very abrupt end when I suddenly looked up and there was no one there but me. No petalo, no tourist boats, and no other friends in water with me. I guess I was a good mile and a half out.

And while I remember being pissed off that they had gone, my first thought was, I wasn't done having fun with these turtles. Dude, you're out of your fucking mind. Regardless, I immediately started to swim to shore. Well, at that point, if you can't see the coast, how do you know you're not swimming towards Africa or Israel? From that point, it took me 90 minutes to get back to shore, of which the first 85 felt like I wasn't getting any closer and I couldn't touch the floor and take a break.

Luckily, I was wearing flippers on my feet. Feet. Had I not been, I'd still be trying to get to shore now. Dude, did you see that kid get killed by a tiger shark in. I want to say it right.

I want to say it right. We say.

I forget how in Dubai they told me that the proper name for this sea. Fuck. I forget. I think they call it the Arab Sea. We call it the Persian Gulf.

And they're like, no, it's the Arab Sea. I'm like, well, you know, this is your sea.

I didn't want to drop my camera, so literally just kicked the whole way back.

I looked behind me once, and when I saw my own black flippers splashing in the water, I almost had a conniption. It took every ounce of energy to focus on anything other than what the fuck could be stalking me. Knowing that basically every breed of shark is in the Mediterranean. Yeah. And they tell you there's no sharks in the Mediterranean.

Well, I would cut down on the splash in there, buddy. When I got to shore, I was a mile down the beach, and as I got. What about your friend? Where is he? Did he pedal back?

And as I got out, about 200 meters up the shore was a different friend of mine who had also swam back. Turns out he had been asked if he wanted to by the others, but I hadn't been. Wait a minute. What?

He also had been in the ocean for 45 minutes prior to that swing back to this day, the two friends that left me sweared they asked if I wanted to do it and said I was nodding yes, forgetting I was bobbing in the ocean. Oh, your friends left you.

Needless to say, like you, I'm no fan of swimming in the open water. And now fuck that, dude. Your friends are. Those aren't friends. In any case, I thought you'd enjoy this story.

I didn't. It was freaking me out. I'm so glad you made it back. Before I go from one pilot to the next, please go finish your instrument rating. You won't regret it.

Love to the family. Yeah, but I don't have an autopilot, dude. So what am I. I'll never use it. I'm gonna.

I'm gonna get it at some point. I think I'm gonna go for my commercial.

When I get time. I just don't have time. It's. It's like, I would love to do it, but, like, you know, I got my kids and my kids only gonna be kids one time, so I really have to. I gotta be there for them.

So, you know, I fly a couple times a week, you know, get a little more than 100 hours a year and I have a great time doing it. But until, you know, I think I could get my commercial aviation certificate without or rating without eating into too much of my dad time. But, you know, I'm also writing a script. I'm doing a lot of shit, so I have to sort of compartmentalize my stuff. But, yeah, I would love to get it.

Just because.

Or even just going for it again was just. It was just so much fun. It was so much information, but it was just. It was really fascinating and it was humbling, because I just remember thinking, like, okay, as badass as it would be to get this rating, what's really badass is the people that figured this out, especially back in the analog days, and they put those vors all over and how they came up with all of these rules. So they just basically, you wouldn't have mid air collisions, and you also wouldn't have, you know, people getting spatial disorientation when they're in the clouds learning how to fly and all of that.

It's just fucking incredibly intelligent stuff. So anyway, that is the podcast, everybody.

Who knows? Who knows? Maybe the next time I do this podcast, maybe on Thursday, who knows? Maybe the Mavericks and the Celtics both swept and we're going to see what's going to happen. It's pretty exciting.

It's pretty. I'll tell you right now, it's pretty exciting stuff. That's it. All right. I got this weekend off.

I'm fucking psyched about that. And then I'm going out to Denver, Colorado, in Berkeley, California the following weekend. And we're getting down to it, man. I'm getting ready to do this special. This is going to be, like my best special.

I know it isn't. Visually. I have these ideas of how I want this thing shot, which I think could be really be incredible.

So I'm excited about that. All right, that's it. And that right there is why I don't have time to fucking get my instrument right. Although now you got me thinking about it. All right, that's it.

I'll talk to you later. Check in on you, I should say, on Thursday. Bye.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-27-24

Primary Topic

Episode Summary

Main Takeaways

Episode Chapters

1: Opening Rant

2: Sports Talk

3: Social Commentary

4: Personal Stories

Actionable Advice

About This Episode

People

Companies

Books

Guest Name(s):

Content Warnings:

Transcript