Monday Morning Podcast 5-20-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 20, 2020. Foah. What's going on?

How are you? Oh, Freckles is on the podcast, broken hearted. I mean, I knew we had a pretty good feeling we weren't going to beat the Bruins. We're not going to beat the fucking Panthers. But when we won game five and we were up one nothing after two periods, I was thinking, you know, we're scaring them.

We're scaring them. It's fucking the craziest thing ever, being up three one, you lose game five, and all of a sudden you look, you feel like you're so far up. All it is is just one victory. Three two. And then they're like, oh, fuck.

If we lose tonight, all of a sudden the pressure's on you. Congratulations to the fucking Florida Marlins. You know, I just got to say it. At this time. Last two years, they're just a better team than we are.

But I like the grit that we showed. And this should have been a hangover year, losing Bergeron and Kraji, but we were in the upper third of the NHL, won a playoff series, saw a lot of positive things this year. I thought the front office did a great job. So I am happy as a Bruins fan. You know, it would have sucked to lose first round, you know, two years in a row, and then we never would have heard the end of it from the fucking Maple Leafs, which is ridiculous because I can't even.

I've lost count how many times we beat that fucking team. So, anyway, buckle up, New York Ranger fans. That's going to be a great series.

I'm really looking forward to that because the Rangers are a tough team, too, and they can score goals, but they're fucking Panthers, man. They. They know how to win in the playoffs. I can't explain it, man. They.

They figure you out and they shut you down, and they block shots and they piss you off and they get you out of. Out of your game. I mean, just write down the fucking checklist. You want a dirty play, they can do that. Whatever you want to fucking do.

You know, they. They are built to win. They are a motherfucker. And they. They're like Jason Voorhees or whatever the fucking guy's name from Crystal Lake.

You have to play 60. You just cannot never think you have a game. One. I've learned anything over the last fucking 13 playoff games in the last year I've seen against them. They are just a fucking buzz saw, man.

They're coming. Condolences to New York knick fans. Jesus Christ. The injury bug. What a time to hit you.

Congratulations to the Pacers.

You know, actually, Nick fans are fucking hilarious. I always go easy on Nick fans because I love Paul Versi. But the rest of them, the fucking arrogance of. I don't. I don't.

You have one in fucking. How many presidents? It's not even years at this. 51 fucking years. I mean, that's the kind of thing, like, you hang up in your restaurant, you know?

Come on. Come to Nick's deli. 51 years of service. They're the opposite. 51 years of fucking losing, just not winning a championship.

And they just sit there, jumping up and down, screaming and yelling on social media like they're, uh. Like they're gonna win something. Sorry. Had to go in the other room. My kids are making too much noise.

Um, anyway, I'll tell you what I did sit down and watch. I watched the. The PGA tournament this year. Uh, I'm gonna go. Chris Berman here.

Congratulations to Xander killing them shop. Shawfully. Sorry. Um. Fucking guy was -21 for the tournament, and he only won by one stroke.

And he had to birdie the last fucking hole because this other guy. I don't know any of the names here. I. I wrote him down so I wouldn't butcher them. Just out of respect how well everybody played.

Bryson DeChambo had a fucking epic tournament, and he had, like. I don't know. I lost count. He had, like, six, seven, eight birdies, no bogeys on the final day. Came from behind to meet to tie Sanders Schofley at -20 Victor Havlin was.

Hovlin was also there. Double bogeyed on 18, unfortunately. But Bryson, with, like, a small town watching birdies 18 to tie Schofley at fucking -20 and then he's got to be thinking like, what the fuck do I got to do to win this tournament? And it's a par five on the 18. He got on in three.

And it was a. Not an easy putt. I'm not good at judging putts, but it looked like a good. You know, it was. It was.

It was that length where it's just. Even for a pro, this is not a gimme. And he knocked it down in front of everybody. Won his first tournament. It was amazing.

Shout out to Colin Morikawa, who basically played a perfect round of golf, par every hold, had one bogey, and then finally got a birdie. Damn. Birdie putz were just not sinking for that. That dude. But, uh, he finally got it on 18, and then the Scottie Scheffler thing was fucking hilarious, you know, it's all just a misunderstanding.

Well, you don't speak English. The road's closed. Huh? I'm an officer. Stop.

You go. Are you saying go? You're dragging me down the street, and I'm shitting my pants. Hit the accelerator.

It's all a misunderstanding. I understood it perfectly. I'm a white man on my way to a golf course. I have a tee time. Road signs mean nothing to me.

It's fantastic. It was fucking fantastic. You know, every time you see, you know, there's some white privilege for you. Everybody right there, we, like, you know, it doesn't mean you grew up rich. It means that right there, you can drag a cop, have him shit his pants when the fucking thing says, don't go up the road.

And you still golf that day.

That's just a misunderstanding. I didn't. I can't. I don't know. I didn't have my glasses.

I couldn't read. He was saying stop. And I always get confused if that means go or not.

Anyway, and I gotta tell. He fucking shot, like, I don't know what he shot that day. He had a fucking great round, and it was so annoying. And I was actually. I was on the road watching it, and he wraps it up, and I was like, wow, that was an amazing thing to see.

And then while the other guys are all golfing, they cut to him and they do the full fucking press conference. He sits down, he goes, you know? Cause somebody got run over by a bus that was working for the tournament. He goes, obviously, my heart goes out to that. It's bigger than what happened, but I obviously cannot talk about this.

If you want to talk about the round of golf, I will. And then just immediately, they just started finding ways to ask about what happened in the morning. I fucking hit mute. And they did. They sat there with the full fucking press conference as the top golfers in the world were playing a major.

And I had to listen to this guy. You know, I didn't. I put it on fucking mute, all right? And then when he was done, they didn't go back to the gulf. They went to ESPN, and then they broke down.

What the fuck just happened? And they were away from the golf, like, you can't show this after. I don't know, maybe. Cause it was. It was the, you know, second day in or whatever, but, like, the whole fucking thing was hilarious to me.

It was very, like, you know, happy Gilmore, I don't know. With a little bit of what's his face. Who's the big guy there that used to fucking smoke cigarettes?

I don't know. I'm too fucking old to remember people's fucking names. There's just something funny about golf. You actually play better if you're a little shit faced. Football used to be like that.

But anyways, I was joking on Twitter saying that it wasn't golf anymore, by the way. I'm always going to call it Twitter, you know, x. Like, why? I just don't. Why would you do that?

That guy's funny to me. Whatever the fuck is that Tesla guy. I like how he's trying to be dangerous, you know, smoking weed on podcasts and then fucking throwing out his opinions.

There's something fucking really funny about that. And he annoys the shit out of people. So anytime he has a comment on something, I always go. I always. I go right to the comments because I gotta.

You know, I gotta give a shout out to all you fucking civilians out there. Some of the comments you guys leave in these things are better. Are equal to whatever a comedian could come up with.

There was this german guy. He posted this video, and he goes, he's like, well, here are three things that are in America that are not in Germany, but should be. And he was talking about big coffee cups was one of them. I forget what. The second one and the last wing was an everything bagel saying, we don't have these in Germany.

They should have them. And the first comment was, I can think of about 6 million reasons why you don't have those in Germany.

Fucking perfect joke. Fucking perfect joke. Not 1oz of fat on it. Every word belongs in the sentence. You got right to the funny as efficiently as fucking possible.

Fantastic. Um, you guys, you know, some of you guys out there, you're doing some really good. You're doing some really good work. Um, you know, maybe you should give. Give stand up a try, man.

It's. It's the front of the few things left in entertainment you can go. You can make some fucking money at. Anyway, plowing ahead, I want to thank everybody that came out to the shows in Columbus, Nashville, and Winston Salem. I mean, that.

That's how fucking tobacco row is. That the city that's named after two different cigarettes.

And I got to tell you, I did the road with Joe Bartnik, who's been out there headlining, and he was nice enough to come out and open for me, and all I saw was 15 minutes of his new hour he was fucking murdering. The shit was hilarious. I got a bunch of people tweeting at me asking, who he, you know, where is he performing? What's the name of the guy? That's always a great sign.

He absolutely killed. We had such a good time, man. We went to three really, really good comedy cities, and I got to spend, like, a day and a half in Nashville. Columbus, I came in the day of, so I didn't get to really do anything. I hate to say it.

I've never even walked Ohio State's campus. I probably shouldn't after all the years I've been making fun of their football fans, whining about not getting into the fucking playoffs. But I didn't do that that night. There was no reason to do that. So, you know, you gotta.

There's a time in a place during football season or whatever, but, you know, if you're. If you're booking me to work your college, I'm not gonna trash your fans. Not to mention you. You know what you're doing. And then Nashville, I went down there.

Oh, my God, that's such a fun town and an absolute shit show. That's the classic. Like. Like, their Times Square, whatever that fucking street is where all the tourists go and all of these fucking broads, like, they have, like, their. Their bachelorette parties, and they all put on Daisy dukes where they have a nice ass or not.

You know, they all put on a cowboy hat and cowboy boots, right? And most of them, they're like fours. I'm not gonna lie to you. They're not good looking women. And they're just pedaling these bikes down the street, and all they do is go whee, whee the whole fucking time.

And they're up there, like, twerking and trying to twerk. It's just a fucking. It's a fucking mess. It is a fucking mess. And it's.

But it's wildly entertaining. There's no way to get bored. When you walk down that street, you're just watching these people in different levels of alcohol consumption. It's sort of a PG 13 Bourbon street. You know, people are drunk, but they're not too crazy.

But I'm sure late at night it gets bad. But you walk around there during the day. You know, we went. Got some barbecue at one place, and there was one woman with, like, her head down on the table. She just.

You know, we've all been. That. She just went too hard. You know, she played the game. She lost, right?

And so we were going down the street, and I swear to God, like every, like three minutes, all of a sudden you just hear.

And they were listening to the worst music ever that, you know, whatever that fucking song is. Something about being a woman. It's just a fucking. I mean, it's just a horrible song. It's a big hit.

It's a big hit. And they were going nuts to that, you know. Pour some sugar on me twerking to pour some sugar on me by Def Leppard. It was fucking amazing. And we were just sitting there.

Meat, club soda, Kenny in Bartnik. And they would go by it. We were just laughing, waving to him and everything. It was just a fucking glorious, glorious shit show.

Got some great barbecue. I forget the name of the place, though. I got it written down on my phone, but it wasn't the spot, but it wasn't that. I used to always. We just go to that place.

Jack's on the main drag. But I went to something right near this hotel. Oh, fuck. What was the name of the hotel? I'm the worst.

Whatever. It was probably the best.

What did they have there? That was delicious? The sauce was fantastic. And then they had. I don't know.

The cornbread was really fucking good. It was just, you know, one of those deals. And I. And I've been staying away from bread. I got this special coming up, so I've been doing that.

The only thing bad that happened in Nashville was I went and there was a taco truck. So ordered one chicken taco. Just ate the chicken. I didn't eat the tortilla or whatever the fuck it's called, right? I always get all of that.

There's too many teas. I always get it screwed up. Tortilla. Tortilla taco. There's something else.

I've been in La long enough, but, like, I just. My short term memory just stinks. But I was just like, all right, I'm gonna get some chips and guac with it, too. I mean, I gotta do that, right? The guy fucking hands me guacamole in, like, you know.

You know those to go applesauce containers that you give to a kid and you tear the top off? It was that, but with guacamole in it. And I was just looking at the. I mean, I was just like, guacamole is only green for about nine minutes. How the fuck is that shit still green?

I am not eating that. I almost gave it back to him, but I don't know. I still want to be rude. I just, you know. And I bit into one of the chips it was fucking stale, but the chicken was good.

I mean, it's chicken. How do you fuck up chicken, right? So I fucking. I couldn't get over that. I didn't take a picture of that and send it to my wife.

But, I mean, that's what I get. Who the fuck orders a taco in Nashville, Tennessee? I did get barbecue. So I'm not. I'm not completely stupid.

So then the next day, we drove down to Winston Salem. What a great drive, man. The 40 the whole way, you know, through Tennessee, volunteer Knoxville country and through the appalachian mountains. Dude, it was fucking gorgeous. Fucking gorgeous.

Just one of those things where I was just looking like, why do I live in a city? Why do I live in a city? I should just live out here in the middle of nowhere. And then we drive into town. This is confederate flag.

Giant fucking confederate flag. Like, that's probably why. That's probably why I don't fucking live out here. Other than that. But everybody, you know, not everybody's that way.

But anyway, Bartnik had a fucking hilarious joke about the confederate flag, too. So anyways, we get there, right? And it was like it was raining fucking cats and dogs, and somebody hit a light pole and knocked it down and the power went out. And then they were saying, like, they, you know, there was a chance it wasn't going to be a show. And people were talking about generators and fucking, you know, extension cords and all of this shit.

And by the way, I was playing.

I was playing in the arena where what's his face. Tim Duncan played Wake Forest, played college at. I remember all the Celtics fans were excited, like, oh, my God, this guy's like a perfect celtic. The big fundamental. He's using the backboard.

You know, we don't dunk on people. We just fucking beat you with the fundamentals. That's what we've always done.

And of course, we didn't get him, but, you know, Chris Paul played there like it was ridiculous. They had all the pictures up on the wall of everyone that ever played there that. That went into the NBA to become a hall of famer, even just came in for a couple of years, cup of coffee or whatever. It was really, really fucking cool. So because the show got delayed, like 45 minutes, I got to fucking, you know, be like a nerd just going up and down, reading all of that stuff.

Legendary venue. And it reminded me of a venue that I want to play out there. I did this rough and rowdy thing with barstool sports a long time ago. Pre pandemic, right? Everything in my life, it's like, you know, before christ, after death, right now, it's like the pandemic.

Everything before the pandemic seems like a million years ago. So there was this arena that they had it in. They called it the house that Ric Flair built. And I was just like, this would be a great place to shoot a special or whatever. It's an old wrestling arena.

It's just like a mini arena. It's not fucking huge. The upper deck, I can't remember if it was like two rows or five rows or whatever. Everybody just jammed in. And I remember telling my agent going, I gotta come back here, put the stage right in the middle, and we gotta do a show down here.

So that reminded me of that. But I do have a soft spot for North Carolina. I lived there a long time ago for two semesters. Did not go well, and I left. But I really, I like it more now than I did then.

I was in a bad place. Had nothing to do with the state. I was just in a bad place. I was like, going to college because that's what you're supposed to do. And my heart wasn't in it, and I wasn't doing well, and I was going part time, and it was costing me a fucking fortune.

And I just had to regroup and go back to Boston and, you know, work my way through all of that shit, through college and all that shit. I didn't. I think I finished when I was, like, 24. December. I was like, 24 and a half.

And then I was 25 when I actually walked and got my diploma. I was just like, I am a fucking loser. It just took me forever, you know, we didn't have the money, so had to work my way through college, and I was, you know, doing a couple classes per semester. And then finally I just remember I was just getting so much older than everybody else. And if you took a core requirement class, there'd be, like, freshmen in there, and they look like kids to me.

I was like, I gotta get the fuck out of here. So finally I just took out some student loans and I went straight through the summer and just blew through going to Emerson. I did three years and two years and just got the fuck out of there. I was like, I have to get on. I mean, I should be, like, divorced.

I'm so fucking old at this point. It was really embarrassing that last semester when I was there, I'm just like, oh, my God. You know, it wasn't a good time in my life. Why am I talking about that shit? Speaking of not a good time, let's listen to me reading out loud here.

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Talk some shit, baby. How you doing, sweetheart? You like those initials right on my collar? Old school. Old school.

499.

Last attempt. Home court advantage. Oh, God, guys, I understand your philosophy. I understand the philosophy. I get it.

I get it. You guys are making the assumption that if you. Okay, I'll read this again. Wow. Your response to the writer explaining stealing home court advantage was exactly like people who are too blinded by politics or religion to respond, no, it isn't.

And I like how you wrote wow with capital letters to try to ped your fucking point here. Just like the blue ties versus the red ties that you make fun of. Oh, God, we're gonna bring up politics in this? You didn't even get more than two sentences into the person's letter and ranted about arguments that he didn't even make. You didn't even hear him out with an open mind already.

Because I've heard these all before. I don't buy into it. If you have a game at home, you don't automatically win it. Okay? It was invented by 24 hours sports networks to add more urgency.

When I grew up, when somebody split at home, nobody used to say they stole home court advantage, that is a new expression. Can you respect your fucking elder? You don't automatically win if you have a home court. Okay, so now you're gonna hit me with these fucking analytics.

The fucking Minnesota Timberwolves did. They double steal home court advantage. Next thing you know, the fucking. They were down three two. It's bullshit.

It's like the pitch count. It's fucking bullshit. It's all bullshit. Analytics. It's fucking bullshit.

Not all of it, but most of it is bullshit. You're not going to convince me of this fucking argument after game one. If you win game one now, you got to look at it now it's like a six game series. Oh, we're not counting game one anymore. After game two, now it.

Now you gotta look, essentially, it's a five game series. When the series is over. Essentially it's a no game series. That. It's.

It's the essentially. Which is how you're shoehorning your stupid fucking math. I don't buy into it. I don't buy into it. It's sensationalism.

You're trying to win a championship. In order to win a championship, yes, you have to win games on the fucking road, and yes, you're going to lose some games at home, and you have to put on your big boy pants, to use another fucking expression, and win the fucking games. Nobody on the team, the coaches, none of them are thinking, we lost home court advantage. They're just thinking, how do we win the next game? Losing home court advantage.

They stole home court advantage. What do they say? That is just for fans like you to sit there and go, wow, like you're a fucking gm. You're not. All right, whatever.

I gotta listen to more of this fucking idiocy. Just like how religious people don't listen arguments and go again. No, this isn't the same thing. This isn't the same thing. What?

My opinion on a sports league doesn't justify dropping bombs on children, doesn't justify a crusade, doesn't justify trying to push an entire, you know, group of people into the fucking mediterranean sea. It's just an opinion on sports. Let's, let's. If you actually had a fucking point to make, you wouldn't have to go this fucking big anyway. In your defense, the writer open with you are absolutely wrong.

Which is. Which is clear, hurt sensitive billy ballistics feelings. Mathematically, the statement of stealing home court is correct. It isn't. First of all, you didn't make one point there.

All you said was, I just fucking jumped the gun, and now you're already saying that it's correct. Okay, here we go. I am literally. I am literally gonna have to sit through this again. He goes, are you done?

I will leave you with just two points to consider. One, it's not like the bad things come in three example you gave, unlike that example, where you can continue to reset and move the goal post. A best of seven series has a finite number of games. Yes, but I can keep saying, essentially it's a six game series. Essentially it's a five game series.

Essentially, it's a four game series. That was the point. I understand that infinite is not the same as seven. He goes, yes. Read that again and make sure you understand what that means.

Oh, my God. The fucking arrogance of this. Okay. Essentially, your argument boils down to home court advantage doesn't exist at all because you're not guaranteed to win all your game. Your home games.

Yes. And if you want to win a championship, guess what? You have to go into somebody else's building and win. Be you the favorite or be you the underdog. That's what you have to do.

And that's the game that's really being played on the outside, is a bunch of fucking analysts in suits who didn't fucking even break a sweat, sitting there with hd makeup on, telling me that somehow home court advantage was just stolen and then, like, what, the team's gonna fucking implode? It's basically. It's chicken little is. You're telling me the sky is falling and it isn't.

It's nothing. We are playing basketball. Four games are in my arena, three are in yours. Nothing is going to change that. I have to win four games.

You have to win three games. Nothing changes that. I believe you admitted that you don't automatically win if you're at home. So I don't understand why they turn on the sirens when somebody loses one of the home games at the beginning of the series. I just don't think it's that big a fucking deal.

That's all I'm saying. Anyway, with that logic, then it's just as dumb to call it home court advantage at the beginning of the series. Yeah, it is. I'll go with that. I agree with that.

At the beginning of the series, the truth that you're not necessarily going to win all your home games, is just as true. Yes, it is. It is.

That's it. That's all that's happening here. Nothing else is happening. Numbers aren't being moved around. Numbers of games in your place versus games in the other person's place has not changed.

You've just decided to ignore some of the games so the math works out. You've also chosen to ignore that you're not automatically gonna win a fucking home game. Yes. If you throw all of that out. Your point?

I'm not reading. I'm not reading any more of these. I'm not reading any more of these. It's so fucking. It's.

It's. It's. It's right up there with the fact that the defensive player can't stand in the paint anymore for longer than 3 seconds. And I have to watch people take unguarded fucking layups and dunks and then stand there and stare at the crowd and scream as you thump your chest because you dunked on nobody. All right, but whatever, just cast me off as some fucking old man.

But it's. It's. The pitch count is bullshit. It's all fucking bullshit.

How the fuck did guys 100 years ago, you're pitching today? It's a doubleheader. They would pitch both games. Their arms didn't fall off, and they played for 15 fucking years. I mean, there was no pitch count on Nolan Ryan, Tom Saver.

There was no pitch counts on these guys. I don't know what the fucking problem is, where all of a sudden, after all of these fucking years, they were making it seem like everybody had to retire from pitching after at the age of 26. They didn't. It's. It's.

There's so much extra fucking bullshit in the games. There's so much fucking analytics that there's no more, that there seems to be very little going with your gut. The vibe of the game, the moment and all of that. It's just like, okay, it is fourth or three. What do the analytics say, the da da da that you do here?

It's like the game is on autopilot. The coach doesn't have to make decisions anymore. You know? I don't know. I just don't agree with it.

So why don't we just agree to disagree, all right? I mean, I am just convinced it's a sports journalist, like, who came up with that? It happened all the time when I was growing up, and nobody ever said it. And then all of a sudden, out of nowhere, people start saying it, and it just gets you to, you know, it's hype, man. Shit.

It's. It's. I don't think anybody, any professional athlete is sitting there going, oh, my God, we lost home court advantage. What? What are we gonna do?

This is my experience with professional athletes, and I've asked them all this, and they all have told me the exact same thing. I said, what is better? Okay, hitting a home run, scoring a touchdown, whatever the fuck it is you do at home and hearing the crowd go crazy? Or is it better to do it on the road and shut them the fuck up and make a couple of kids cry and they all smile and they go, oh, on the road? On the road, definitely.

Okay, so why don't you throw that into your fucking analytics? You know, maybe you should ask the fucking athletes rather than listen to these fucking idiots on sports talk radio, you know, who just are forever, forever coming up with fucking ways to make shit, you know, to ramp up pressure to make it, you know, it's PT Barnum horseshit is all it is. It's like when these guys, they go up to these professional athletes, you know, that guy went up to that dude, Giannis, who's a fucking champion at the highest level, and they lose in the first round. He goes, you know, do you feel like a failure? That question had nothing to do with that, with the athlete.

It had everything to do with the reporter, so I don't listen to that shit. You and I, we're different. But you can sit there and, you know, you can have your fantasy football team and think you're a fucking gm and do all of this stupid shit that people do. You can get a jersey and you can wear it, and you can put the black stuff under your fucking eye and, you know, fucking start dancing and try to get on the jumbotron. You can do all of that fucking shit.

God bless you. All right. God bless you. New segment, irrational fears. Okay, thank God.

Let's move on for this. Hey, Bill, lady listener here from New Hampshire. There recently was a news story that got me thinking about my irrational fears. Some teenager was arguing with a young mother when she got in the porta potty with her four year old daughter. The teenager knocked it over, trapping them inside and covering them in feces and piss.

Absolutely disgusting.

How to f. This is. Human relations are just unbelievable. That's your mother.

Teenager, four year old, new husband, new kid. You didn't. You know, maybe she didn't pay attention to her. There's still no reason to do that. The four year old didn't do anything.

Then again, the teenagers brain isn't fully developed. All right, lesson learned. Never going to a porta potty with a relative that doesn't have a fully developed brain outside of it. If they're mad at you? I refuse to use porta potties because I'm terrified of them.

I tried going in once, and I start hyperventilating. When I was a teenager, I had read a story of a man hiding inside one to watch girls use it, and it terrified me. Since then. Where the fuck did he hide? In the toilet.

Plus, the thought of having to hover my ass over this dark pit of piss and shit freaks me out. I'm also afraid of ants. Those fuckers are too small for how. They're too smart for how small they are. Do you have any fears that aren't common?

Um, all right, well, you can pretty much go your whole life and never have to use a porta potty, so that's an easy one. Ants. I don't know. They're everywhere, so that. That one's pretty logical.

Do I have any? I used to have some. I used to have to. Like, if I was wearing sneakers or shoes that had laces, I used to have to untie and retie them while I was getting my intro to go on stage because I was so afraid that I was gonna trip and fall.

Um, do I. I have some pretty healthy fears.

Um, I worry about the dollar. Um, I worry about not being funny and people going to see me and then not wanting to come and see me again and then, you know, and then fucking then what do I do? I worry about that.

I worry about what this world's gonna be for young people and my kids.

I don't know. Those are rational. I worry that they're gonna say we ran out of fresh water when we didn't, that they're just gonna privatize it, and that these fucking sociopaths that run these corporations will deliberately withhold it and let people die of thirst just because it will up the value. The way Rolex doesn't make as many watches, so they seem rare. The way baseball cards, they didn't print as many so they would have a higher value.

Like they're fucking evil. I worry that politicians are just going to continue to be paid off by them and not do shit and just look out for themselves. I worry that people are still going to watch 24 hours news networks and really think that the other side is 100% wrong all the time, and they got to keep us fucking yelling at each other rather than all of us just stopping and looking at 15 to 20 assholes in suits that just can't have enough fucking marbles. That really wasn't the question. What is.

What is, uh, getting paralyzed. That's a fear of mine, um, getting eaten by a shark, that's an irrational fear. Alligator, um, don't have as big a fear with, um, lions or tigers because I just know, you know, mountain lions, I just know it's over quick. I, you know, I. That's.

That is the animal of choice. If you're gonna get killed by an animal, you gotta go. You don't want a canine, because it's gonna be more than one. They're gonna rip you apart. A bear is gonna maul you.

I don't think a poisonous snake is that bad. It's fucking terrifying. But after it bites you, I mean, that's sort of like, you know, a death. You just shallow breathing, and you just pass out. But the big cats are the best.

They're very nice about it. They just come in, fucking knock you to the ground, grab you by the throat. You're out in 2 seconds.

Yeah. A lot of them are actually animal based. I used to have a lot of aviation fears, and then once I got my license and I, you know, going for my instrument rating and actually starting to understand everything that's going on up there is pretty amazing. However, all of that shit that's going on at Boeing is fucking terrifying. And just watching them not really talking about it, it's just.

It's. It's. I always use that guy who did, like, the hands. Remember the guy who hoarded the hand sanitizer Tizer before the pandemic? Like, the level that they went after that guy and Tarden fetted that guy because he was an individual and he didn't have any money, and he didn't have any influence, and he was a great soft target for journalists to act like that.

They're looking out for american people, and then they just look the other way. When all of these bigger companies, you know, these companies that every year just pay a fine for polluting the environment because it's cheaper than them actually doing something for their fellow Americans. I mean, it's just fine. I don't know. I don't get in all of this shit.

I try to stay away from this stuff. This is why I, you know, have the hobbies. I do, because. Yeah, all right. Irrational fears.

Well, I would say yes. Sharks. Alligators. Alligators, man, every time I go to Florida, man, I'm fucking this. Like, any.

I see. I see a puddle and I'm like, there's a little alligator in there, and it's gonna bite my toe off. Like, there's just something about reptiles, man. I'm fucking terrified of this getting. Getting mauled to death by a bear is another one, you know?

And I don't think any of my fears towards my kids are irrational. I would much rather be over correcting than being that person. Like, you know, this. There's sort of this big pushback now. Old school parenting.

Let your kid break their fucking arm. It's just like, not everything that happened when we were growing up was great.

All right. Bill to abolish the federal. Bill to abolish Federal Reserve. Oh, here we go with this. Dear carrot cock bill, I saw an article I thought you would like to hear about.

Congressman Thomas Massey from Kentucky. I love Kentucky. I love that whole area. Kentucky. Tennessee is fucking gorgeous.

Recently reintroduced a bill that would abolish the Federal Reserve and put us back on the gold standard. There we go. Maybe there still is some hope for the country. I don't know much about it, but here is the article. Anyways.

Love the podcast and the comedy. Well, God bless that guy. You know, I think it would be great for everybody, including super rich people. You know, I don't know why anybody would be against it. Let's.

Let's fucking have the dollar. Mean something.

It's just a really weird. Like, I have no problem being under the thumb of somebody. Somebody I'm not smart enough to run shit. But, you know, there is a certain level of greed. You're just going too far.

And that always causes a fucking revolution. Don't do that. You know, you can still have your coke and your whores and your yachts. Just don't, you know, have to have 50 of them. There's a balance.

That's all. It's all there is. I'm fucking, you know. Hey, you know, I saw that there's a whole bunch of fucking self driving cars coming out. Like.

It's unbelievable to me. But, you know, the way most people drive, most people need them. You know, it's funny. They should. There should be a shame to that.

They should be. After all of these years of all of us drivers bitching about how everybody sucks at driving, they should, like, secretly film you, you know, and if you're a fucking asshole or you drive like an idiot or you just don't know how to parallel park or whatever, they go, that's it, okay? That's it. You lose your driving. You have a self driving car for a year now.

You can go to driving school and reeducate yourself or up upgrade your thing. It should be like that. But I don't know, it's pretty wild. It's becoming like planes. Like planes are basically fly themselves.

Right after takeoff, they have like an instrument flight plan. They plug it in to the avionics and they hit enter. And then when they, you know, the second I think they hand them off to departure, I think they just push the button and then that's it. They just sit there with their hands in their laps. They just go to each fix and the plane turns 15 degrees that way, 30 degrees the other way, or whatever.

It's pretty amazing.

Anyway, here's a question. Should I date a stripper? All right, this is difficult because I don't know how old you are.

Hey, Billy Beetle dick.

Cause it's tiny, not cause it's black. That's funny. Billy Beetle did. Cause it's tiny, not cause it's black. All right, Bill, first I need you to know that I am a huge fan of the podcast and of you.

Well, thank you. I've been following you for the past ten years and you never failed to make me laugh. You deserve all the success. Well, if you've been listening to it for years, there's always one topic that gets me going, and right now it's the fucking. You stole home court advantage.

I just, you know what I really have to do? I just have to be mature and just realize that people aren't going to see it the way that I see it. And I just have to fucking let go of it. Cause it's not even that people believe the home court advantage. It's that I can't convince them of my point.

Maybe the athlete thing would bring a few people my way. Cause I can tell you that right now, you know. You know, killing in front of a crowd is one thing, but when you get the right table of people that are cunts pissing them off, there's nothing fucking better than that. And you don't give a shit about silence at that point.

Anyway, this person says, now, here's what I'd like your advice on. I recently returned from a six month trip in Asia. Oh my God, that must have been amazing. I was there for work and had an absolute blast traveling around, met some great people, including some ladies, and enjoyed every second. How great was the food over there?

Towards the end of my trip, I visited Thailand. And the boys and I went out, all I saw, and the boys, I saw Thailand, and the boys, I was like, oh, Jesus, the. No comma Thailand and the boys and I went on an eve out on an evening on the town.

You know, in India, there's a royal Enfield motorcycle trip that you can take, and.

I don't know. I don't know where it goes, but that sounds amazing. Anyway, this person says, we ended up at a thai strip club where we each lived like kings into the early hours of the morning. I met this thai stripper, and we immediately connected. As much as you can connect with the stripper.

I suppose you might want to watch the second season of white Lotus to give you some advice here. We spent the entire time at the strip club making out.

Yeah. Whoo. Wow, wow, wow.

You made out with a stripper on the other side of the world. Wow.

Jesus Christ. Are you out of your fucking mind?

Jesus fucking Christ.

You brought that mouth back to the United States. Oh, my God. You know, like, when you go to New Zealand and you can't bring any fruit in, they should ask you, did you make out with a stripper in another country? Yeah. You got it.

You're in quarantine.

Come back with fucking mouth aids.

We spent the entire time at the strip club making out. Let me make sure this is a strip. It was a stripper. Yes. You made out with a stripper.

Okay. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. And doing other debaucherous acts to each other, just short of sticking it in her. We had a private room. Oh, my God. Dude, are you out of your fucking mind?

Are you out of your fucking mind?

At the end of the night, I took her home and we banged.

Dude, please tell me you. You. You fucking wore a condom. She gave me her instagram and asked if we could hang out during her day off on Sunday. But sadly, I was leaving the next morning, so I couldn't make.

Couldn't make that happen. Well, I'm sure she had another guy over there. The next night, I told her I wanted to see her again, and she said, come back to Thailand. Should I do this? Dude, I swear to God, if nothing has fallen off your body yet, and if you didn't get some sort of fucking ass flu fever, just count this as a fucking a win.

The trip back would be expensive. As I live in the US. She is gorgeous. Beautiful body and skin. Huge tits.

Fuck me eyes, fuck me eyes and perfect face. But she is also a stripper. I'm not naive.

She could have just been tapping me to get more business in the future, but part of me just wants to see her again. Yeah, dude, you know what you need to do? You need to just stay away for a while, and you got to get back into your rational brain. You're still thinking with the little head down there. I also know that if I do go back and fall in love with her, I will descend into the darkest pits of depression, as she is a stripper and unlikely to give up her life for me.

Or is there a chance, buddy, you couldn't go over there and meet an accountant? You couldn't make out with a regular fucking thai woman who wasn't in sex trafficking? You out of your fucking mind? Come on, dude. You know you're fucking with me.

You know what? I'm calling bullshit. I think sometimes you guys write in and you just make up shit. There's no fucking way. For context, I'm a pretty experienced guy with the ladies.

No, you're not. Well, you haven't learned anything in my late twenties and had several serious relationships and many other hookups along the way. I have a great. What are you experienced in being in a relationship? I have a great, extremely well paying and powerful job.

And I'm pretty good looking, so I hear. So it's not a total impossibility for me to pull her away to a life of decency. Maybe I'm crazy. Yes, you are. I get it, dude.

I get it. I get it. You went to the other side of the world. You've never seen a woman look like that before. She fucked her brains out.

You're in this exotic place. She's exotic. You're eating all this food. She's treating you like a king. American chicks don't treat me like this.

Fine, dude. You want to marry a Thailand chick? Go to Thailand and meet a fucking civilian. Don't. Don't marry a stripper.

All right? But I also hear your voice in my head saying, that ain't the mother of your children. But, damn, I'd like to. I'd really like to head back there for three weeks and see her again. Would love to know your thoughts.

And those are the lovely Nia, if possible. Yeah. You'll be there for three weeks, and when she's not with you, she's there fucking in a. In a back room doing something with somebody else. What are you doing?

Dude? Come on. This can't be real. My best to you and your family. Go fuck yourself.

Sorry, dude. I. You know, if that was real, I gave you the tough love you deserved. What you need to do is you need to come back here and come back to fucking reality, because what happened over there was not reality, okay? That was a paid fantasy, okay?

And she was just working you. I'm sorry. That's what was going on, all right? There's plenty of fucking decent women over there and over here, you know? Yeah.

Stay away. Okay. All right. Good read. Hello, Bill.

Have you had a chance to read the book Chicken Hawk, written by Robert Mason? I've only started reading it, and it reminded me of how you described your time flying. Robert was a chopper pilot during the Vietnam war. I asked a mate, that is a pilot for the australian army. It says, a us army said Austria or Australia, I don't know.

And he said, it's recommended reading for all pilots, and it's his favorite book that he has read many times over. Would love to hear your opinion if you ever get a chance to read it. Cheers. Cunt Matt from Australia. Well, I'll tell you, cunt Matt, I read a book about a guy that flew helicopters in Vietnam.

I can't remember what the name of it was, but I will tell you this.

Flying is this amazing thing, but in the back of your head, you always are thinking, where am I gonna put it? Which way is the wind coming from? Like, whenever I solo or have, like, a passenger, like, I don't really even enjoy it. I'm enjoying, but I'm not, because the entire. It's like riding a motorcycle.

It looks fucking cool until you do it. Then you're doing it the whole time. Head on a swivel. Head on a swivel. Where are they coming from?

What could possibly happen? I'm at a stoplight. Look in the rearview mirrors, make sure somebody doesn't come up and rear end me. Da da da da da da da. So it's not really, you know, what you think, but it's still this fucking amazing thing.

But, like, just the idea of people shooting at me, like, there's all of that. It's still awesome. I probably described it too negatively. I absolutely love it. But there is that part of you that you can't 100% enjoy flying when you're the one doing it, because it's on you if something happens.

So I, you know, so just the pressure of that alone, I can't fucking imagine.

You know, those guys would go in there, and there'd be, like, barely a clearing, or they would clear the fucking area to pick people up that were being fired upon in the jungle, and they would clear the area with the fucking main rotor blades. It was unbelievable. I'll definitely check that out. All right. Hey, guys, you know what?

I give up on the home court advantage. You guys are 100% right. I don't like losing my shit over fucking mindless stuff, all right? I still do it, but I am at least evolved. It left now to realize how fucking stupid that is.

I don't give a fuck, okay? I don't believe in it. You do. Some people believe in Jesus. I don't.

I don't. I've traveled the world. Everybody draws them different. I mean, sometimes he looks puerto rican, sometimes he looks. He works on the fucking E.

Network. Sometimes he's even whiter than I am. You know, it just. None of it makes any sense. I don't give a fuck.

If you want to believe in that shit, believe in that shit. Put somebody on a pitch count. You know, if you want your fucking head coach of your football team to look like he's on the math team, by all means, do it. If you want to go down the lane with nobody there and you want to dunk on nobody, and then, you know, fucking sit there and pull your jersey to expose your heart, to show me what a warrior you are. And it's the fucking second quarter and you're fucking up by eight.

You want to do that? Go ahead. Go ahead and do that. I don't give a fuck. I actually do.

You want to hit a home run and stand there and look at it and be. And then point to the dugout and fucking do your little stupid shit when you get the second base? I don't give a fuck, all right? I'm watching golf now. I'm reading a newspaper.

I'm withdrawing. You know, when somebody, like, leaves a campaign, I think that that's what I'm doing at this point. There is a point when you get to a certain age, you just can't be around young people anymore, okay? Because all you're going to do is ruin their good time, and all they're going to do is remind you that everything changed, and you're going to feel like it's not for the better. So what you really need to do is you just sort of just sit in the background.

Hey. You know, like, you know, the old people that get it, they're just sitting in the corner. You look at them, how you doing, Nana? And she just sort of smiles and waves in her head. She's like, what the fuck are they doing?

That's not how the recipe goes. All right, that's it. Go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-20-24

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1: Sports Analysis

2: Comedy Tour Anecdotes

3: Personal Reflections

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