Monday Morning Podcast 5-13-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Byrne. It's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, May 13. What's going on? How are you?

Oh, God, another fucking week. Jesus Christ. How come the weekend? Why are the weekends so short?

Um, anyway, saw this fucking thing on Instagram. Cause what else would I be doing? Reading? They showed a clip of the old Mike Douglas show, and he already had liberace out there who was dressed like Liberace. And then he had little Richard come out who outdressed Liberace.

And somebody in the fucking comments section goes back when you could just be who you were without shoving it down people's faces, shoving it down people's throats. Like being openly gay in the early seventies was better then than it is now. I mean, what the fuck are you talking. These fucking people. I swear to God.

My other favorite one is when they post a joke from, like, ten years ago. Oh, you couldn't do that anymore. It's like you just did it. You just did it. You just posted it.

Everybody saw it today, and they laughed. Jesus fucking Christmas. Make it great again.

That's what dumb white people do. It's like, make it. Make it great again. When a dumb white person was qualified over a smarter black person, the dumbest white guy could get a job over the smartest black person. That's what it was.

Oh, we didn't have a problem with that. Right. No problems with that. Segregation, no problems. Then affirmative action.

We're like, what the fuck? Not saying all of us, but I mean, just those kinds of fucking. You know what it is, is dumb people don't want to compete, because if it's an actual fair competition, that they're. They're not getting a ribbon. All right, there we go.

Starting off. Coming in freckled. I don't have to say hot. I'm a ginger. All right.

It's redundant. Um, anyway. Oh, God, where do I start? You guys have a good mother's day. Did you call your mother?

Just send her a card. No GMA. I know I put you through a lot. She has to just sit there gritting her teeth as you're on your fourth marriage. I know I put you through a lot.

I know. Every year to half, to seven years, I'm sleeping on your couch again like I'm still fucking eight years old. But I just want to let you know, ma, I know I put you through a lot when I took the car without permission and wrapped around a pole and you only had minimal coverage. I know a lot of times I feel like a mistake, but I just want to say, here are some flowers. I love you.

Anyway, so baseball yesterday, they were all wearing, you know, they had a bunch of pink in there from. Because it was mom's day, you know. And I actually find a lot of women don't like pink.

People who are like, you know, like dumb whoas.

Like, you know, chicks that are hot, but just, you know, they. And they don't want to do anything beyond that. They always seem to like pink. Oh, my God, you guys. Hi.

Megan, right? I never saw moms dressing or walking around in hot pink. They were moms, right? A lot of earth tones when I was a kid. Got a little crazier in the eighties.

Got a little medicated in the nineties, you know, I don't remember moms walking around wearing hot pink.

So what was major league baseball saying? That all of our mothers are whoas who don't want to work, who are looking for a fat wallet and a big car. Cause that's what they were doing when I was a kid. Sorry, my brain's all over the place. I just woke up.

All right. Anyway, I hope you guys all had a good mother's day. I hope you had time to take your mom out in her hot pink outfit. What are they going to wear for guys? What would they wear for Father's Day?

Shit brown.

Hey, don't look now, but the Red Sox has to have the best starting pitcher pitching in, at least the american league. We're also number one in getting caught stealing errors and all of that in our bullpen hasn't been the greatest either. But you know what we're up to. Like, we're strong. Third place, I think, got the devil race.

I'm just avoiding talking about the Bruins right now.

I see one more guy that's just out there trying to hurt people, and they just go, you know, he plays on the edge. I mean, that's his game. You know, he plays on the edge. Oh, you mean he punches people in the face when they're down on the ice, that guy. You know that.

You mean they. Oh, he gives blindside fucking checks with the top of his fucking stick where the ref can't see, though. He plays on the edge. Plays on the edge.

So, anyway, the only positive I can take away from the Panthers series is I feel like if we really are going to get revenge, it's only fair that we come back from down three games to one like they did. But I just, you know, this was a hangover year without Bergeron and Kregi. 5 million against the cap. So next year, you know, we'll get, like, another player or whatever. It's just hard to lose to a hockey team from Florida.

As much as I respect them, because I kind of love the Panthers. They're like, they like the terminus. They just. They're. They're built for the playoffs.

They just don't quit. No matter how many goals they're down, they just keep playing, and next thing you know, they're back into it. If you have players better than theirs, they're going to try to injure them. I mean, that's what the NHL playoffs has been my entire life, so, you know, I can't get mad at that. But what bugs me is that they're from Florida.

So I know it doesn't matter if they win or they lose. Like, I've never met a hardcore Florida Panthers fan. I don't think I've ever met a. The only thing hardcore is, sports wise, I've ever met in Miami is the University of Miami. But that's when you're getting into, like, you know, boosters and fucking blue blazers and cash and gold trans ams and fucking cocaine and women who dress in pink whores, right?

That has been my experience. Um, pink is not a female color. It's the color of the. Whoa. Um, anyway.

Kind of way. Black with a guy was. Was always like, you were a bad guy and a good guy. You had the white hat, you know what I mean? And then people were like, well, there's racist connotations to that, or whatever, blah, blah, blah.

I mean, maybe there was. Or maybe it's just that some people are still as scared of the dark. I don't like when the lights are out because then my mind starts talking to me. Yeah, we're down three games, the fucking one. And.

I don't know. I mean, I'm starting to think, like, that first game we beat him five to one was because they had such a long fucking layoff and they were all tired of some shit. At least that's what my buddy was telling me. That was his theory. So we will see.

We'll see what happens. But I like this group of guys that we have, but there's still. We need.

We need a presence out there that can answer when people come in and hurt our finesse players. And that has not happened. We haven't had that. That happened to us in 2019.

And we got Lou Cheech batch, but unfortunately, whatever happened, happened.

Definitely missing him right now. Anyway, we will see what happens. This is going to be interesting if this series goes the way it looks like it's going, or we're going to get bounced out in five fucking games. At least we didn't lose to the Maple Leafs because the Maple Leafs would have talked way more shit. I mean, Florida fans, they don't give a fuck.

You know, there's nothing but gorgeous people or people getting surgery to become gorgeous in Miami. Miami people just go, you see that gorgeous woman over there? That's what I want to look like. And they go, all right. And then there they are.

Then that gorgeous person doesn't realize that they have a fucking doppelganger walking around, jumping on all the dicks that she was supposed to jump on. You got creepy older guys dressed all in white linen, you know, they don't give up. They can get over a game quick. Other than University of Miami, I feel like that's more like they give a fuck about that. But, like, very quietly.

Miami is not relevant at all.

Certainly with hockey, baseball. They bought a couple, though. They did do that. They came right in. They were like, is this how the Yankees and Red Sox are doing it?

We got it. So that was cool to see in the Miami Heat. They had the pile on team.

Dolphins haven't won in 51 years. However, they have that undefeated season, so they keep getting brought up. It makes them feel current.

Yeah. That's the thing about the Dolphins. They don't get as much shit because they're in the same division as the jets. And the jets haven't won it since 1969. And jets have also, like, really sucked, too, for a long time.

So I think that that takes the heat off the Dolphins, you know, because the Dolphins still, you know, were competitive through the end of Bob Grieseys career. Don Woodley. Dan Woodley and Don Strzok, whatever their names were, they got to a Super Bowl. Dan Marino got to a Super bowl, and was also a major problem before the Bills came on. And it's just been nothing for, like, 30 fucking years.

And they haven't won shit in 51 years. But every year they get to puff out their chests because now, for some reason, in order to break their record, 17 and, oh, the Patriots went 18 and, oh, but lost the last game to the Giants. Right. So then it's like, nope, you didn't do it. It's like, I kind of feel like we did, you know?

All right, I guess we didn't do it. Now you have to. You 17 and oh, is now the end of the regular season. So, like, what the fuck are we doing here? And we're going to keep glorifying this team that went undefeated so long ago.

They had two white running backs and a field goal kicker that went bald like a science teacher. All right, we'll give you that.

Anyway, celtics win game three. Thank God. Who's at 45 there on?

Is it Darren Mitchell or something like that? I'm so bad with the fucking names. That kid can play. Although I did find it funny in game two, like that young kid thing where you're down 10 in the series and you're hitting three pointers in the third quarter, and then you're turning around and doing that. That stare like you're in that movie 300.

I feel like you should only be able to stare at a crowd like that. Like you're actually. If you just slayed a lion, not metaphorically, like literally. Or did some, you know, special forces military shit. You know, like they threw the grenade into your foxhole.

You risked your own life, threw it back and killed some bad guys. Then you can turn around and look at the camera and go like that. But I feel like when you drain a three, like everybody in the court has in the first two quarters, to turn around and then do that fucking stare is kind of ridiculous. Maybe that's just me. But what I like about saying old shit like that is people just go, yeah, okay, Boomer.

I love hearing that because I'm Generation X and I'm like, oh, good, they blamed it on them.

Oh, the whores are wearing pink tonight. They're looking out of sight. They ain't paying for any goddamn drinks. Why did MLB dress their players up like the gold diggers that try to meet him after every game? Hey, MLB moms don't wear hot pink.

Women that fuck your dad and break up mom's marriage, they wear that color out there in jello shot colors. Waitress, remember that? You want to do a jello shot, they'd always have some smoke. Show coming up to you. Who the fuck wants booze and Jell O?

Nobody did. You wanted what was serving it to you, but you knew she was out of your league. She was wearing hot pink.

You didn't have the money. You didn't have the power. You did not have the car. So. Wow.

What's the closest way to get to her to pay $7 for that jello shot? 1995. That's what you did. That is what you did. Don't lie to me.

You know you did it. Maybe if I do a bunch of them, she'll start to like me. Air quote, like me. Lights, come on, you're over in the corner and all hot pink puss walks out, gets into a fucking monocarp. Monty ss to t tops off with some roided up guy wearing a half shirt and a mullet.

I mean, those. What? That was the eighties, buddy. That's what it was.

You did a cycle, you didn't do squats. It was all upper body. You got yourself a half shirt, some Larry bird short shorts. You went to Tannerama and landscaped during the day. You were the color of an old belt.

And then you had some fucking wraparound glasses like the macho man Randy savage. The fucking mullet didn't just have a mullet. You had the blonde highlights in it. Blonde highlights in it. And then any whore out there that like to fucking wear hot pink was.

That's why you had the tee tops off, so they could leap into your car onto your dick as you drove down the street, right? You were dealing weed. You kept that under the spare tire in the back. That's how you did it, right in the little fucking wheel well.

Anyway, that'd be a good movie, right? Set it in the eighties, it's just about weed dealers competing weed dealers, because weed dealers, they fucking didn't like each other. But there was no guns involved. You know, it's just a lot of mean mugging out of iroxies and Monty sss, you know. And then there was a.

I just. I know I've been saying this a lot, but I just want to make sure you guys don't forget there was a bunch of hooahs trying to compete for their intention, for their attention and how they got their attention by was wearing the color that MLB dressed these sons of respectable women in yesterday, you know? Do you think it's time MLB took a pause and decided not to dress the sons of respectable women like hooters waitresses. On Mother's day? On Mother's day, people.

I mean, what is going on with this country? I don't know about you guys, but I. I'm walking away from that.

I'm letting my silence and the 17 minutes I discussed this on the podcast speak for itself. Okay, who was, uh.

Anyway, I'm in a goofy mood today. New boot goofing. What was I going to say? You know what else I watched this weekend? I watched the.

I watched that Wells Fargo invitational golf thing. This is when you know you're getting old. And I told a buddy of mine the other day, I was like, you know what? One of the things I'm most proud of myself is I am a 55, soon to be 56 year old white guy, and I have yet to buy a set of clubs. I don't own a set of golf clubs.

I've never owned. I never. You know. But I gotta tell you, the game, you know, as I'm slowing down, you know, as I'm starting to look at things as being way over there when it's just in my bedroom. Can you get that for me, honey?

But it's way over there.

I watched. I turned it on, say, you know, because the bruins and the Celtics weren't on at that time, and I was walk watching. I put it on, and what's his face. Rory McIlway. Right?

Is that his name? McIlhey? Mcilhenny? No, it's the always sunny guy. Hang on a second.

I gotta open my phone so I can look. Oh, you fucking whore. No, no. There we go. This, this, this.

Hey, I remembered my password. But, you know, sometimes just gotta, like, push through the adversity.

All right. Yeah. Rory McElroy. McElroy. And then Xander Schofley.

And Xander had him by a shot or two, and every time Rory would tie it up, Xander would go to. He would go ahead, and then I put it on on Sunday, and fucking Rory on the back nine went like Jack Nicholas at the Masters in 1985 or 86. Kid had, like, two eagles and three birdies. The next thing you know, he was up by seven shots. Schofley was minus twelve after four rounds, and he was seven shots back.

It's just like, what the fuck do I got to do here? McElroy ended up double bogeying because he went into the water on 18, and so he finished 17 and under. So as he's doing this, they show a graphic saying the last time he won a major was in 2014. It's just like, dude, you know, what the fuck? He's winning a tournament, but it's not a major.

I don't understand. Why are majors worth more than these other ones? I've never understood that.

I guess it's like their playoffs. There's more pressure or something. It's fucking golf. The same goddamn game, you know? It's the same fucking people every week.

It's the same fucking people you're playing about. This one means more. It's a major. You know what's cool about that Wells Fargo course? They had, like, 1617 and 18 are called the Green Mile because I guess they're really long holes.

I think it's two par fives and then 190 yard par three or something, or maybe there's a long par four, I don't know what. But all I do know is these guys hit it so fucking hard. Even so far, even on a fucking long par five, it's like their second shot is like an eight iron and then they're on the green and they're putting for eagle. At least that's what I was watching yesterday. Um, I like that guy.

I don't know how you say his name. Sanjay im, I dont know how to say his name, but he had a hole that reminded me of me. He went fucking into the bunker, out of the bunker. He goes over the green, into the fucking water or something stupid like that. And then they were saying the golf guards made it up for him because he like holed out when he tried to chip onto the fucking or he chipped out of the trap or something like that.

Billy was watching golf and I found out that the NASCAR hall of Fame, just to think, just before you think I'm going upper crust on you by starting to watch, watching the golf, I, I saw the NASCAR hall of Fame is in Charlotte, North Carolina. I'm going to North Carolina this week. I don't know where I'm at. I think it's Winston Salem. That's anywhere near Charlotte.

The Charlotte, the fucking, what do you call it? The, the NASCAR hall of Fame looks great. They have some of the actual cars in there. They got Dale earn, Eric's fucking blue and white wrangler. They got the King Richard Petty.

They got one of his fucking cars in there. I would go in there just to look at that shit. Back when those things, I mean, back when racing was scary, like you could legit die as opposed to now. What are you? Like airbags and crumple zones?

They don't have airbags, do they? It's kind of funny, they don't have airbags. I guess there'd be too much weight. The horsepower to weight ratio is going to be, is going to be all thrown off.

I feel like NASCAR and wrestling, this, the same thing happened to both of those things at the same time. Like all their biggest stars left.

You know, Dale Earnhardt died, Jeff Gordon eventually retired, and then since then, they just haven't been able to get it going again. And I look at the, look at wrestling, Stone cold mankind, the rock. They haven't been able to get back to that. I know they had John Cena there for a minute. I mean they had everybody y two.

Jhhh. That was a hell of a run. It was a hell of a run. And I hated to admit it, but I thought that that was even better than what I saw coming up in the eighties. And they had Hulk Hogan, Ric Flair, Jimmy Superfly, snooker, Larry Zabisco, Tony Guerrilla, Mister Fuji, Mister Sato, the Moondogs, Ivan Putsky, Ted DiBiase, the Intercontinental champion, the Million Dollar Man, Mister Wonderful, Roddy, Rowdy Piper, Tito Santana, Jesse the Body Ventura, Ric Flair, the von Erics, Bob Backlin, Bruno Samartino, Andre the Giant.

Sorry, that was a lot to go up against.

Tony Atlas, special delivery Jones, SD Jones.

Oh, who are the guys who lost every week? The tag team. Change the tag team. Johnny rods and Jose Estrada. That's fucking unreal.

And I'll meet somebody at a party and I can't remember their name 5 seconds later. Maybe they had some tights on and pretended to fight every week. Maybe that could.

Maybe then I could remember their fucking name. All righty then. This has been a weird podcast. I've been enjoying it, though.

All right, let's go. Let's go to the advertising. Did I, did I? Did I, did I, did I put anything on here?

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All right, where am I going here? The song is over. It's all behind me. I got to take a break before I get into this first one. This first guy's going to take me to task on my whole.

I don't buy this whole thing that you stole home court advantage. When they say that dumb shit like best of seven series, there's four games in my court, three games in your court. You split the first two in my building, and then somehow you just stole home court advantage. There's no longer four games in my building and three games in your building. You somehow stole that, mathematically by winning one of the first two games.

I gotta listen to this fucking guy. All right, stealing home court. What is going on? Hang on, let me. Let me clear my throat.

Speaking of. Let me clear my throat. Shout out to NBA DJ's fucking playing loud shit music over what we paid to watch. All right, here we go. This guy's going to set me straight.

Stealing home court slash field advantage. Billy Baldfuck, longtime listener, first time writing in. I noticed you often say, most recently on your last Thursday podcast, that when sports commentators say a team stole home court field advantage in a series, that they're wrong and that they don't make sense. Yeah, they don't. They're just adding drama.

You're completely wrong. Oh, am I? In a best of seven? Here they go now. They're gonna do the math.

In a best of seven series, if the way. If the away team splits the first two on the road, they now have home court field advantage. The series is now tied one one, in case you missed it, and in. And is, in essence, a best of five series now. Oh, is it?

Is that what just happened? We're not playing seven games total. We've decided to not count the first two games, and now we're gonna act like it's a five game series. You can do that through the whole series. That's just a stupid way of them trying to make something that is, like, not as dramatic, more dramatic.

Like they just. Now they have home court advantage.

First of all, you're making the assumption that with home court, you automatically win the game, which you don't. You just split. You went 50 50. That's what usually happens in most playoff series. And then what?

I go to your building, and then suddenly your home court is stronger than my home court? That I'm not gonna go in there and I'm not gonna take one? And then did. Then what happened? Then.

Then did I steal home court back? Did I steal it back? Because it belonged to me? It isn't. It isn't.

This is just. It's complete horseshit. It's a seven game series. It's never a five game series. It's always a seven game series.

It's always best for out of seven. And there's always going to be four in my building and three in your building, so you can't do it. However, if you choose to ignore the first two games that already happened, and it's a five game series, like these fucking idiots on ESPN do, then, yes, then that. That would be. But then you didn't steal anything.

You just decided to ignore the first two games, even though they count. And now go. So now it's like a five game series? Is it like. Is this seven game series?

Like a five game series? This is no different than people that say that bad things happen in threes rather than. No, you stop counting at three, and then when the fourth bad thing happens, you call it number one. That's all you're doing. You're just moving numbers around.

It's a best of seven game series. I have home court advantage. Or you do, because four are in your building and three are in mine. Unless you decide to start counting after the first two games.

Let me tell you, if I win the first two fucking games, if you're going to ignore those, it's still like a five game series. None of what you're saying makes any sense. It's. It's. It's stupid.

And just because you're at home doesn't mean you're gonna win the fucking game.

I don't think there really is any. Any, like, home court advantage. The game is just in your building. And if you're a team that's built for the playoffs. It doesn't matter where you're playing.

What actually matters is not in the fucking stands. As much as fans can't believe that they're not a bigger part of the game. You're watching an event and you're reacting to it. But those people on the court, on the ice, on the field, on the tundra, they're playing it. And there's all kinds of storylines in there that you, you can't even see with your, with your fucking Joe six pack eyes that they're dealing with.

So you guys can sit here and play fucking, you know, Hollywood math with the seven game series and not count the first. That was, that was a five game. Well, after game three, then what is it like? Is it like a three game series? And at that point, does nobody have home court advantage?

Well, no, the team that's up to one, they're the one that would have, well, I thought you stopped counting the first two games. Now we're counting those again, so your math works.

You're completely wrong. No, what you are, sir, is you're one of those people that you hear something on a sports program and then you repeat it. I remember when the Red Sox, those goddamn Boston Red Sox, who they had dressed like absolute horse on Mother's Day. I remember after they beat the Yankees in zero four and they were up three games to none against the St. Louis Cardinals.

All right, they started saying, if the Red Sox win the World Series, these Red Sox fans, they're not going to know what to do. They're not going to know what to do if the Red Sox win a World Series. They kept saying that. And sure enough, when the Red Sox won it, they started filming Red Sox fans. And what did they say?

They would start going, I mean, I don't even know what to do.

Like, that was his idea. It was put in his head and then he act accordingly. I'll tell you another lazy one. I'll tell you another lazy one before. And out of respect for this guy, I'm going to keep fucking reading his stupid fucking math.

All right. Anyways, it's like you have $7. Yeah. But if you ignore the first two, it's like you only have five. Oh, okay.

Yeah, that makes sense. $5 advantage.

Another one. I was watching this, 30 for 30 on Mark McGuire, Sammy Sosa, and a lot of people forgot, including myself, that Ken Griffey junior was in that home run race to beat Roger Maris in 1998.

You know, one of the biggest travesties in all of baseball in that everybody fucking enjoyed it. Everybody, everybody had a good time. And everybody in baseball, including the owners, knew what was happening. And then a couple years later, when this shit hit the fan, all the owners walked away from those players like they didn't know what the fuck was going on. Like, they didn't deliberately look the other way because in 1994, they canceled the World Series.

Attendance was brutally down. And Cal Ripken junior breaking Lou Gehrig's record was the only good thing that happened in almost five years. It was like they basically said at the beginning of that year that Mark McGwire or somebody was gonna break it. And then it happened. You know, there was a lot going on there that was, there was a lot of marketing going on there, but those guys went out there and they fucking did it.

But anyway, that's not what I want to talk about.

And then the president's calling Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds is sitting there going like, wait a minute, I thought I was the best guy. All right, here's me on steroids. And then everybody's like, oh, fuck. This guy Barry Barnes was a victim of the steroid error.

Anyway, plowing ahead. What they said in that is they were talking about the St. Louis Cardinals and Chicago Cubs rivalry. And they use that thing that they always say about Boston and Philadelphia. They said St.

Louis had an inferiority complex with Chicago. Like, people in St. Louis were going like, you know, I really love St. Louis, but it doesn't have as many buildings as Chicago. How they keep fucking doing that.

When they were doing about New York, I understood it because so much of news media is driven and is based in New York. That's why if you do something in New York, they won't shut the fuck up about it. But if you do something in San Antonio, nobody pays attention to it. Like, if the spurs were the Knicks, I mean, you would never, I mean, I see more shit about the stupid fucking Pat Riley, New York Knicks and Spike Lee and, oh, man, the garden was going crazy. You didn't win anything.

And those fucking Reggie Miller games, it's just like, it's that, that New York media thing. It's like, hey, let's all sit around and romanticize not winning a championship. But we almost did. We almost did. But it happened in New York.

So they do that thing where they would always say, you know, with Boston, it's always been an inferiority complex. And I got to be honest with you guys, how far away New York might as have been, well, has been in fucking Europe. Like, when we were growing up, they said it when we were growing up. And it was like there was no Internet. The only thing I knew about New York, I knew their sports teams, the Statue of Liberty and the Empire State Building.

That was it.

That's all it was. I didn't know anything about anything else. So anyway, like, that. That thing, I feel like that is. That is people that left their towns and moved to bigger cities, and they always then have to talk down, like, where they came from.

It's kind of like how everybody in Hollywood calls, like, you know, basically 48 of the 50 states. Well, it's really the lower 48. So I'd say 46 of the 48 states, flyover states, you know, like, they see, they view them as a cut below, and then they're the ones who write these documentaries and make these fucking. These outrageous claims that, like, why would St. Louis have an inferiority complex?

To Chicago? Chicago was called Second City, all right? St. Louis was the one winning all the titles. The Cubs were in the middle of, like, a fucking hundred year drought.

It didn't even make sense. They just said, okay, when. When we did Red Sox, Yankees, Doc, inferiority complex, plug this in. Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody in New York gives a fuck about Boston.

Nobody in Boston gives a fuck about New York. Nobody's thinking about Philly. Nobody is. But these sports writers, they go from each town and they see them, and then they start, you know, coming up with some metaphors and a fucking storyline, and then they start putting words into our mouths. Nobody.

Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody cares. We like our pizza. You like your pizza. You're into your tacos.

Nobody gives a fuck. Nobody is literally walking around going, you know, I love this city, but I feel so inferior when I look at San Francisco. Nobody does. Everybody loves where they're from, essentially, right? I mean, look at the Diaz brothers, the way they fucking talk about Stockton, California.

All right? Now, if one of these ESPN documentary people, they are. You know, they're. They have inferiority complex to Sacramento.

I'm. Anyway, I got to read the rest of this.

If the away team splits the first two on the road, they now have home court advantage. The series is tied one one, and is, in essence, a best of five series now. Oh, is it? With three games at home and two away, as a result, they have stolen home court field or slash field advantage. I know you're not the brightest ginger in the box, so I hope this concept is something you can wrap your bald head around.

You like this guy. This guy feels smart because what they spoon fed him on ESPN. That makes sense to me. You just wanted to be that guy at work going, they stole home court advantage. I'm talking the lingo.

You didn't. You didn't. Okay, that's. That's not. It's not what's going on here, okay, game one and game two still happened and all the bumps and bruises and all this shit still fucking happened.

It's not. You don't just get to act like they're not there, hit the refresh button and act like they didn't fucking happen. And now we're going out there. So whoever got hurt in the first two games isn't hurt anymore. That's not going to play a factor.

It's all about some fat fuck with two fucking Styrofoam tubes slamming them together behind the fucking back backboard. That's what it's about. You probably. You're probably one of the guys that stands up and dances and tries to get on the fucking jumbotron. All right?

Ps, I love unfrosted. And seeing you play JFK. Thanks for all the laughs you've provided over the years. Best of best to you and your family, and go fuck yourself, all right? You want me back because you fucking fed my ego.

They've stolen home courted Bill. Is that what they did?

Game seven? Well, now you know. Actually, in essence, it's a one game series. Oh, thank you.

But just for the record, whoever wins tonight will have won four games and needed to win four because it was a. I remember a few games ago, this was best four out of seven, right? I think so. Until you got out your eraser and. Yeah, not to mention, like, the team winning at home is not a foregone conclusion.

You just saw that because they just split. So what. What the fuck are we doing here? Your favorite strip club in NLA, Jumbo's clown room. I fucking hate that place.

I hate that place because the amount of people that want to do. We ended up at Jumbo's clown room. It was a crazy night. Fucking. Up top.

Dear Hollywood bowl bill, on your podcast a year ago, so you mentioned Jumbo's clown room, a somewhat infamous strip club in LA. Yeah, it's not a good place. You mentioned how you went there and saw a stripper quit in the middle of the job. Yes. And by the way, was not my idea to my wife.

My wife goes, let's go there. I want to go there, see what's up. And it was fucking. It was fucking sad. It was sad.

It was the same sadness. I hadn't been in there since the nineties. It was sad. Then I went there. What the fuck was it?

I remember I had an acting gig in the whole cast. We went there and I remember we ended up leaving and one of the actresses was like, I feel like I'm gonna throw up. Those are my. Make my two experiences there. I'm in my twenties and grew up in Hollywood, and although I've been to a couple of strip clubs, I've never been to jumbo.

So my first impression was always your description, which was something along the lines of a place that looks like every serial killer has hung out there. Yes. Why? I thought you would appreciate that. Completely out of the blue, two separate friend groups of mine started going to Jumbo's clown room frequently.

The two friend groups never met, but they were both that. They both started to frequent the place. What I think is funny, besides the whole thing being bizarre, is that they go there for different reasons. One of the friend groups is typical La artsy crowd that thinks the place is cool. Artsy hangout.

I shit you not. Yep, I can see that. The other group is a bunch of frat guys from Bu who go there to get drunk because they think it's funny. Yup, that's it. Every time Jumbo's gets brought up often, all I can think of is your podcast.

By the way, the bu guys love your description of the place. After I mention it, I'll probably be dragged there in the near future and I'll let you know how it goes. Just thought you would like to know that your legacy as a spokesman for Jumbo's clown room is alive and well. Also, my dad and I loved you at the Hollywood bowl, wishing you and your family the best and go fuck yourself. And for you to go fuck yourself.

Yeah, I feel like strip clubs, if you go to them in your twenties, you know, it becomes a different thing in your thirties. You just. You're just a creepy. It's not funny anymore. I guess it never should be.

I don't know, who the fuck knows. But that one just in particular, I've been to that one. And then there was. There was one this place called cloud nine, which is essentially somebody's house. I remember that one.

I went to that one. I'm not gonna name the comedians I went there with. That was another level pass. Jumbo's clown room. All right.

The other side of bail reform. Hey there, Billy. Both sides. I just heard your read from last Monday regarding the elimination of cash bail. There's the other side of the coin to consider from an attorney that has worked in the criminal justice system for the last 17 years.

No, you should be taking the word of a comedian who never went to fucking law school first. The elimination of cash bail does not mean that everyone charged with the crime gets set free after their arrest. All right, that's what I thought it meant. If they are not released within a few hours for a minor offense, something that was common even when we had a money bail system. Okay, let me read that better.

If they are not released within a few hours for a minor offense, parentheses something that was common even when we had a money bail system, they are typically held in jail for several days while they await a detention hearing. A detention hearing. A judge decides whether they should be released and if so, under what conditions. That is weekly reporting to court staff, maintaining employment, no contact with the alleged victim, etcetera, or if they are considered too dangerous for any conditions to keep the public safe, they are held in jail without bail until trial, a dispositive, dispositive motion, or their case is resolved with the plea agreement. Please consider that much of the rhetoric against bail reform as fueled by the billion dollar prison industry, whose pocket gets lighter when less people are held in jail.

Yeah, because that's what I was wondering about going like, yeah, why aren't they saying anything? Because I remember there was a guy, they did this really creepy thing where he built a jail, and he was like, pissed because he didn't have enough prisoners. He goes, I was promised prisoners. It's like, all right, buddy, what are we doing here? That was basically how he made money.

Anyway. There are two major improvements to eliminate to the elimination of cash bail that are beyond dispute. One is that poor petty offenders are no longer held in jail at taxpayers expenses because they can't post dollar 500 bail for things like simple drug possession or disorderly drunken contact conduct. Well, I thought they were letting people out that did shit. Way more violent than that.

Am I nuts? Related to this point is the backwards dynamic involving bail bondsmen. A bail bondsman makes money by charging an inmate 10% of the total bail figure to secure their release. It is then the bondsman's job to track down an inmate and bring them back to jail if they flee before their case resolves. Bondsmen were always motivated to do business with inmates with the highest bail figures.

That is, inmates facing the most serious charges with a $500 bail. For example, the bondsman. Oh, $500,000 bail. Sorry. For example, the bondsman can make 50 grand, which justifies the risk and trouble of having to track down serious violent offenders who flee at the same time.

No bondsman would do business with someone who had a bail, $500 bail on a petty offense because $50 is not worth the trouble. If they have to chase them, chase after them. Sorry. Thus, under a cash bail system, our jails were often filled with the pettiest offenders, while the most violent offenders who could find a way to come up with the bail money would be released pretrial. Look at this, the other side of the argument.

The second related upside to the elimination of cash bail is that wealthiest criminals charged with the most serious offenses like murder and rape can now be held without bail. That is, even if they have a billion dollars in cash to post, they are still held in jail until their case is resolved as opposed to being released before the elimination of money bail. Holding people with the inability to post bail was considered unconstitutional due to the presumption of innocence until proven guilty. New Jersey amended its state constitution as part of the give and take involved with the elimination of the money bail system. All right, well, there you go, people.

There's some information for you. And as always, I probably had 180 degrees wrong. I'm trying to copy this so I can send this to a buddy of mine who's going like these fucking liberals. These fucking liberals are fucking liberal with their liberalism. We're doing that again this election.

We're still blaming ties. All right, let's keep it going.

CNN, Fox News, MSNBC, just keep watching that shit. That's where the truth is. Oh, Jesus. All right. Corporate jargon, corporate charity.

Hey, Billy. Coffee. Snobber I am. How the hell are you? All of this corporate word talk over the past few weeks got me thinking about something so many companies seem to do these days.

Oh, take a department of eight people, fire four of them and make those four people do eight people's jobs. And then the person that fired them takes the four fired people's yearly salaries as a bonus during Christmas. And now we got a bunch of people living under bridges, that type of shit. Nah, it's the liberal, conservative, right wing libtards that are doing it. No, it isn't.

It's just corporate greed that is not, is not monitored by any sort of governmental agency anymore. There's no rules. Like, you know, the Department of Justice is going after Live nation. I work for them. This is the third time they've gone after them to try to break up what is clearly a fucking monopoly.

Nothing's going to happen to him. You watch. No, it's totally fine that the person that books the show also owns the ticketing agency and also owns the venue and also gets money off of the fucking advertising, and they fucking quadruple dip every gig. That's totally fine.

And whatever deal that they want to give you, that's the deal you have to fucking take, because they own all the fucking venues and where else you're going to go. There's not nothing to see there, you know? And then, you know, a couple years, they. They report a loss and don't even pay taxes. I mean, nothing to see there.

All right, how the hell are you? All this corporate work talk, blah, blah, blah, blah. The past few got me thinking about something.

Got me thinking about something so many companies seem to do these days, which is posting on LinkedIn, social media every time they do something charity related. Yeah. That's to appease their guilt. What this looks like is this. Three simple steps.

One, schedule a day for people at your company to wear the same shirts. This is essential. And do something charity related. Parentheses, food drive, toy drive, fundraising event, etcetera. Two, go to said food drive, toy drive, event, and take a million pictures.

Bonus if kids are in the pictures. Three, shamelessly post about it on the company's LinkedIn page, followed by every employee posting the picture and how they spent a day doing something for charity. Without fail, the posts have a sense of, or just outright say, oh, look at how much we care about other people. Pretty damn funny. Take care and appreciate all that you do.

Yeah, well, there you go. 100%. Yeah, it's all. It's all fucking politics. I mean, look at me.

Look at me. I try to act like I'm down to earth, right? I try to act like I'm a man of the people. You guys have no idea what I'm doing. Do you guys realize right now that I have on gold toed slippers?

Did you even know that they even made those? Now, the gold toad sock.

I don't want to get into that. I've made fun of the gold toed sock before. All right, I'm going to wrap this up here a few minutes early. Cause I'm meeting a buddy of mine to go play a par three golf course.

This is my deal. As long as I don't buy clubs, I don't have a problem. I don't have a problem, guys. I can quit it whenever I want. Just like cigars.

I did quit the booze. I did quit the booze. And I've been going easy on the cigars. This year. But, I mean, what am I supposed to do anyway?

Oh, drum shit real quick. See primus in pussyfur and tool play one song and all that. I revisited this song at the Hollywood bowl a few weeks ago, man, for Maynard 60th. Fucking amazing. So I got back into, you know, a couple of primus songs that I never quite figured out.

And one of them was that song, my friend Fats. My friend Fats is a hell of a guy. Let me tell you why. And it's just. The riff is just.

Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun. I can't even do it on time. And the way Tim plays it on drums is he gives it, like a triplet feel. It almost feels like it's in six. The accents.

Cause the accents on the one on the end of two, and I think on four. And so then you think it's like, in this odd time. Cause after that it goes, dun dun dun dun dun. And you're like, what the fuck was that? This is, like, in five.

Is this in seven? Is it in nine? And it's actually in four. He's just playing, like a three against four. But rather than playing every third, accenting every third, he's accenting every 6th.

So now it feels like it's in six. So you. You're playing 16th on the hi hat. This is what I think is happening. He accents on the one, the and of two, four.

And then he plays e and a one with his bass drum. And that's how I wrote it out. And I'm gonna go fuck with that in my. My little drum room there where I go. And I try to act like I'm special.

And I'm throwing that out there. Cause I know I probably got it wrong. And that'll make one of you guys go, tell me how to actually fucking play it. But that's what I'm up to. All right, that is the deal.

I'm going to Columbus, Nashville, and, I believe, Winston Salem, North Carolina this weekend. My act is in top form. I am ready to shoot a special. I'm shooting the special in Seattle, the end of June at the Moore theater. I cannot fucking wait.

I love that place. I love that city. I think it's going to be the perfect combination of Larry, liberals and some conservatives driving in from outside of the city. So it'll be the perfect crowd. Little bit of this, little bit of that.

What do you say there, red? All right, that's it. Go, Bruins. All right. You know, I mean, when you think about it, I know we've played four games.

But, you know, in essence now, it's a three game series, so, you know. And you got to win. Best three out of three.

Wait, who has home ice now? I don't. Fuck, I can't even do the math. If we win the next one, then do we have to. Is home ice tied?

All right, that's it. I'll talk to you later.

Monday Morning Podcast 5-13-24

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2. Social Commentary

3. Sports Commentary

4. Corporate Charity Critique

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