Monday Morning Podcast 4-29-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday. The hell is it? April 29, 2024. Well, what's going on?

How are you? How's things in your fucking neighborhood, Tonkati?

I am. I'm recording this in Phoenix, Arizona, doing four shows this weekend. I got my last show tonight. I've been having such a good time on stage trying to get this shit together for the Hollywood bowl Friday night. Been having all these fucking weird ass dreams this weekend.

I don't even understand any of them. You know, I had this dream. Somebody stole my truck. And then all of a sudden, I was in a taxicab in New York City in the 1990s, and I was splitting the cab with 1980s Janet Jackson. Like 85, 86 Janet Jackson.

And she was there with her boyfriend, and I, for some reason, told her that I had a crush on her when she was on different strokes, and her boyfriend did not appreciate it.

And I was thinking, the hell? What is. What does any of that mean? You know what's great, though, about human beings is if I told that to somebody, and even if they didn't even know me, well, I just told it to you guys. There's some of you out there right now.

I know exactly what that means. That means you have anxiety about it, okay? They're dream whisperer. No, I'm, like, really good at it. I just, you know, I'm really good at interpreting dreams.

Oh, you mean you're nosy? Is that what you're trying to say? I'm really good at it. Well, why don't you wait until somebody else tells you that? Anybody can say they're really good at something.

That doesn't mean anything. It's. It's somebody else watching you going, you know what? You're really good at that you got too many conflicts of interest. If you yourself are telling me you're really good at something, really good at interpreting dreams.

Oh, yeah. What do you do for a living? I'm a pharmacist. Ah, Jesus. Anyway, I golfed two days in a row.

I don't know what I did to my calf is all tweaked. I only did nine holes both days. I just can't. I can't fucking do it for 18 holes. It's just that is not a sport for, you know, someone as pasty as me.

I am a winter sport guy. You know, anything that involves the cold going up towards the North Pole, that's how I'm wired. That's where my people are from my ancestors history, you know? I can't do that sunbelt shit. I actually played great.

The first day I went out, I had two pars on nine holes, had a bunch of sixes and fives, sevens, and then I had like, one, you know, fucking eleven blow up hole. You know what's funny on a blow up hole is like, I don't give a shit. I just, like, I'm more concerned about the people behind me waiting to fucking tee off. So I do, like, three putts in a row. I go, boom.

And then I just walk up to it, hit it again, and then I walk up to it, hit it again, and then I tap it in, like, just to clear the fucking area. Like, what am I fucking sit here and line this up? Like, I'm good at this?

That's what's the funniest shit about go. Like. Then the next day, I didn't play as well. I still played pretty good, you know, bunch of sixes, sevens and fives. Was playing like, you know, double triple bogey golf.

And what's fucking hilarious about golf is every time, like, you have a bad shot, somebody has to tell you what you did wrong. Oh, you opened the clubface up. Now you picked your head up, you set the ball up in the middle of your stance. You wanted it more forward, and you want to be like, dude, you just chipped out of a bunker into somebody's fucking pool. Like, why am I listening to you?

It's actually a true story. My buddy, who I'm golfing with, they don't really have sand in the traps where we're playing. It was more just like dirt. So he tried to hit behind the ball, and it was all packed down, so the club just bounced and he just fucking hit the thing. It went all the way, like, he was literally trying to hit this ball, you know, out of the trap.

Just chip it right up on the green, let it roll towards the cup. It thing just fucking goes all the way over. We were. And me and Versi were on the other side. It went over the green, over us, over, like, through these trees, into.

I thought it was going to hit the house. I was like, oh, my God, it's going to fucking hit the window. And it just poop, like, right in the fucking wall, right in the deep end. And I'm just sitting there going like, this guy's giving me advice. Now.

What you want to do here? Just, you know, swing away or whatever. Oh, my God. I just started telling people to shut the fuck up, you know, hey, what you did there was, it's just like, well, you sh, I know you hit it fat. Oh, did I?

You chunked it. I know.

You know, I know that because I just watched you do it. Like, it's so fucking, I don't know, it's so fucking funny. I just wish it wasn't out in the blazing sun. It was, it was actually beautiful days. But I don't know, it is just such a fucking, it's such a fucking silly game and.

But I enjoy, like, watching people, like, losing their shit, like, versus good for one, but he lets it go real quick. I was saying, I'm like, dude, you like Clemens? After he gives up a home run, he goes, give me a fucking ball. And he just wants to just keep going. Like, Versi will have one little moment where he, like, you know, gets upset with himself and then he's really good at, like, letting it go.

And so he had his one and we were laughing about it for the, like, the whole fucking round. It was early on, you know, he had a great drive, great second shot. Chipped right up and he was putting for par and the greens were really fast and the thing just like, lipped out and he just like, grits his teeth and he goes, sisters cunt.

Which just was, you know, you fucking whore. But like, sisters cunt. It was just so fucking, like, specific. So I fucking laughed the whole run, but I laughed for like a whole and a half about that. And then he said, I didn't say it like that.

I go, dude, don't. You can't walk down sister's cunt. What are you gonna act like? You fucking have big smile on your face when you said that?

Fucking teeth all gritted. I don't understand why these people just don't, like, once you learn how to play guitar, it's like less frustrating. You could be that guy at fucking, at a party going, wasting away again. Margarita, I didn't know you played ukulele. You know, just anyway, but I actually, I really enjoyed, I enjoyed the fucking hang and I actually, my short game, I've kind of went out there and I just was saying to myself, I love the second shot because that's the one that always kills me.

I'm great out of the traps because I got a lot of experience there. I suck at putting. I'm great at. I can drive pretty consistently and I can chip up pretty good. But my second shot and my putting, I mean, that's five strokes right there, you know, two to get it to where I gotta chip it and then, like, three putting.

So anyway, so we did that, like, two days in a row. We're having, like, great shows. And I saw on the Internet, like, the tvs at the hotel here, like, one of them is just constantly on that fucking NFL draft. And I watched the lions were about ready to pick, and they cut to these fucking line fans, and they were, like, rocking back and forth, nodding vigorously, you know, like some diva wide receiver. I love when fans act.

Try to act, imitate, like, extroverted, you know, sneaker deal athletes, you know, thumping their chest, and they're like, basketball players started that thing, I think, where you hold up your jersey, blah, blah, blah, blah and that. And then fans started doing it.

Some fat man tittic cunt sitting in the stands, fucking tugging on his fucking jersey. It's like, why are you doing that? Why are you acting like the fucking Lakers drafted you? No, nobody drafted you. You're in the stance, okay?

Clap and cheer. Stop fucking acting like you have anything to do with this. You don't. You clearly don't. You're in worse shape than, like, a fucking assistant coach.

You're not even assistant. You're just some fucking guy. Why are you wearing a jersey?

So sorry, I'm in such a cunting mood. I miss my kids, my lovely wife. I gotta get home. Um, anyway, so. Oh, and how about the fucking extra long, creepy bro hug, Roger Goodell?

Like, what? What does he say to those people? Welcome to the NFL. If you scramble your brains, we'll give you $700 in 40 years.

We're a big family here. Except, you know, you're going to sacrifice your body, and, uh, I'm just gonna keep fucking having. He looks like a potato skins guy to me. He definitely gets the apps. That guy, he's built like he's on the Flintstones.

Something about him. Very prehistoric. Anyway, and once again, once again, the draft is just on and people are watching it, and it's just like, you realize, like, you can just wait till this whole thing's over and then just read and all over fucking instagram, these fucking nobodies going, okay, for the second pick, the Browns pick, I think this was a huge mistake. This guy, you know, he had a good sophomore season, but his junior season, I just didn't see the things that I needed to see, to see that this guy could fucking see the ball at the prolific. It's like, who the fuck are you?

Why the fuck am I listening to you? That stupid split screen.

I like when somebody says something on Instagram. That's supposed to be like, deep, and it's like, that's hard enough to stomach, but then you got some person that's reposting it, and they split the screen, and they're sitting there nodding, and they're pointing to their own brain, like, oh, thank you. I couldn't process. I couldn't process this information without you holding my hand going like, this is the part you want to listen to because it's really doink, doink, doink, smart.

All right? What else can I bitch about? Oh, so they have these new helmets in the NFL where they have, like, this extra spongy thing that you can put on because there's no way to protect the brain if you're gonna be getting bashed in the fucking head. So as always, the fucking rugby people have to, like, chime in. Here's the thing.

I love rugby, all right? But they don't hit the way they hit in the NFL. They don't lead with their heads. They lead with their shoulders. You know, heads can smash together, but they're not doing it on purpose, all right?

They lead with their fucking shoulders. It's basically NFL football before the fucking, you know, helmets, right through the leather helmet era, that's how it was. And then they got the helmet, and the helmet, people thought protected your head. So then these kids were taught to lead with their head, and the helmet became a weapon, and that's what happened. And your brain sits in fluid.

So all it really did was protect your skull from breaking open and splitting open, but your brain just sloshed around your head. And these guys got Cte. They fucking killed themselves and their families, suicides and all. There was a guy in the chiefs, he fucking, after years of playing on the line, killed his whole fucking family and then himself. That guy in the steelers who fucking was shooting at people and the cops were chasing him.

Like, that doesn't happen to rugby people, all right? It's a different thing. We got to stop. Both sports are tough. You got to be tough as nails to play it, but they're two completely different games.

And the speed with which they're played at is just completely different. It's just completely different. These guys, when I was growing up, were just, you went over the middle, and if they threw it up high, a guy, an elite athlete, would run a 440 and launch himself like a missile with the crown of his fucking head and put it right underneath your jaw. And it was completely legal. And these guys all paid the fucking price for it, and their brains turned to fucking mush.

So they're trying to develop these helmets that somehow prevent the brain from fucking smashing against the skull. So now they're having them lead with their shoulders, which is a good thing, but it's still not. It's just not enough. They're too fast, they're too fucking strong, and the impacts happen too quickly. And then it's also, like, on the offensive line, every.

Every play, every single fucking play, all of those linemen smash their heads into each other. That just doesn't happen in fucking rugby. It just doesn't. I'm one of the few people actually watch both sports, all right? And I'm telling you, rugby is a fucking brutal sport, but it is not played the way NFL.

It's a completely different fucking game. But a quick glance, it looks like it's the same. And my favorite thing is all of these people that don't play either sport, like, somebody saw that they could wear this optional, like, thing on their head, just cushiony thing. And some commenter goes, oh, God, why don't they just put tampons in? This isn't man football.

Oh, you mean the football that you don't play? You're just going to sit here and be. Go out there and go bash your brains in? Well, I sit here eating jalapeno poppers and act like I'm a real man. Cause I can watch other men, you know, destroy their brains.

Oh, I am fucking on one this week. I don't know what my problem is. Oh, gee, Bill, maybe you need a tampon right there, red face.

Anyway, I will just. I 100% support anything that's going to protect the brain. But I'm not going to lie. It looks stupid as shit and you can't see the logo anymore. But it just goes to show that if the NFL, one of the most heartless fucking organizations out there as far as protecting and taking care of former employees, you know, after they bashed their brains out, I think they collectively, the settlement was like $700 per player.

I'm sure it was taxable, too. That's why that stupid goodell bro hug is so fucking hilarious to me. It's like, you don't give a fuck about this person. He should be probably like, oh, man, we are going to make a ton of money off of you, you know, until your body breaks down and you can't play this game anymore. Save your money.

Cause you're not gonna be able to walk at the end of this.

So anyway, I'm too moto. I'm two fucking MotoGP races behind. Something happened. I didn't accept the cookies or something like that and now they're fucking messing with my membership. So I got to get caught up.

I know Francesco Pina, he won this week. Peco. Peco, whatever they call him, he won this week. But what I'm loving is Mark Marquez is competitive again. He's getting used to that fucking Ducati and it's going to be fucking sick.

The rest of the season is going to be so sick. So I'm going to get caught up, hopefully this afternoon, hopefully somebody's good with computers and figure this shit out for me. And I'm going to check that out. But, oh my God, I got one for you. I have the MLB app and I wasn't even like, I don't know, I wasn't even thinking.

I finally clicked on it going, I bet the Red Sox are playing right now. And so I clicked on MLB and I have the Red Sox. And then it says audio and I'm literally going like, wait a minute. There's no fucking way I can sit here in the afternoon, smoke a little cigar and listen to the Red Sox on the radio. Am I really, am I to believe that this can like, you know, actually happen?

And I just, I just fucking click on it and all of a sudden I'm listening to the Red Sox, right? Joe Castiglione, right? Congratulations to him. Just elected to the Baseball hall of Fame, arguably the most difficult one to get into out of all the four major sports hall of Fames. So I'm listening to this guy.

He just like, he's basically, you know, our VIn Scully. You know what I mean? As far as like, he's been doing it a long time. I mean, there's only one Vin Scully. The guy did it for what, the fifties, sixties, seventies, eighties, nineties, 2000, 2000, teens.

I mean, I don't know if anybody's ever going to break that record, but he's the closest we got. Everybody loves him in Boston. And so I'm listening to this guy, the legendary voice calling the game, and I'm just having a great time listening. And then he goes to read some ad copy and he goes, drains by janes, they give a poop about your pipes.

It was fantastic. It was like old school. That's why like, so much old school advertising was they had to be funny to like catch your interest. I don't know what they do now. They just try to spit it out as quick as they can before you click on skip ad.

But it just remind me of like, I mean, obviously, you couldn't say poop back in the day, but they would always have, like, something silly or a cartoon, some sort of hair tonic to grow back your hair, which, of course, wouldn't work. There was always stuff about aftershave, shaving cream. Like when, like, baseball. Baseball was really, like. It was a like.

Cause it was the number one sport when I was growing up. And then somewhere in the seventies, the NFL pass it. So I caught it right at the end when, like, baseball was a huge, huge fucking deal. It sucks that it isn't, like, thank God for latino people. Like, I feel like they've literally been the ones keeping it going both on and off the field, their passion for it.

But when I was growing up, like, everybody was into it somewhere. Like, in the eighties, I don't know what happened. Like, the NFL kind of took over in the seventies, and then the eighties was the NBA just took over with, like, you know, Bird and Magic, Doctor J and then Michael Jordan. And it was. And I don't think the NBA has ever reached that height again.

I feel like right through the Bulls, the 1998 season after that, like, they've never been as high. Then they went into sort of the super team era, which has been going on since the Kobi Shaq Lakers, right through I don't know what. Dude, how about the fucking Denver Nuggets just having the Lakers number?

That was like one of my, like, as far as ever since the super team thing, I've said this before, like, my favorite. Like, I love the spurs, how they did it, that Detroit Pistons team.

It was another one that I liked, the first warriors. The Denver Nuggets was a great one. I like when it's more like a team. I hate when the team's already good and some guy just comes in and jumps in and then just puts them over the top. Then they take that stupid picture.

It's like, yeah, you guys used to compete with each other. Now you're all on the same team, Gia. You're gonna do well. I've talked about this too many times. I'm not gonna get into that.

Anyway, so I listened to Red Sox, and we ended up winning seven or nothing. And then I put on the Celtics. It was like a perfect Boston sports day. Then I put on the Celtics, and they gave the heat the beating they should without Jimmy Butler, which was good to see. I mean, there's no way we should lose to this team if Jimmy Butler isn't playing.

And then also, we shouldn't be all excited that we beat the heat because Jimmy Butler wasn't playing, but they know it's not our fault he's hurt, so we should handle them and handle them quickly. And then I put on the bruins, and I'm sitting there going like, all right, they gotta like, you know, I don't wanna get involved in this fucking two, two. Shit. Oh, my God. Three, one.

So much better. And once again, the Leafs were playing great. They came out, they played great. Nobody was scoring. And then we got.

What do we got? We got one. Was it late in the second period? Then we got another on a giveaway. And then Marshawn jumped on another fuck up by their defense over to pasta and just scored.

And it was three to one. And then I had to go out and go, go do my show. Maybe it was three. Nothing. I can't even remember.

And they're up three games to win. So this is my thing as a Bruins fan, having lost Patrice Bergeron and David Kraji. Like, as long as they win a playoff series this year. And then, you know, they got young talent coming up, free agency and that type of shit. Add a couple players, who knows?

We'll see what the fuck happens. And, you know, I don't know. Like, I thought, like, I was wincing going into this season, going like, oh, my God, like. Like Brad Marchand, he's the only guy left from that 2011 team. All of these new guys coming in and trying to replace two legends.

Like, I just thought we, at best, we were going to be middle of the pack. So I'm pretty excited about that. And what the fuck with the Toronto Maple Leafs. I don't know what happens. I just don't fucking get that team.

I don't get that franchise. I don't get their fans. Those are some of the greatest fans in fucking sports. The fact that they show up every fucking year. Every fucking year.

Now they're down three one. The only thing you can say as a Maple Leafs fan is at least it's over quick, you know, because I'll tell you, last year, one of the bruins, I'll tell you this. When the Bruins won the president's trophy, one of the most overrated things ever, the best regular season record. Oh, fantastic. That doesn't mean shit now.

We're all zero, zero, right? And everybody's like, dude, what happened? What do you mean, what happened? We went to the playoffs. It's not just play a team one time, you got to beat them four or seven times.

It's a completely different fucking game. So, you know, last season, as much as it sucked. It was over quick. It was over quick. And then, you know, I kind of.

I rooted for the Panthers because I was just so impressed with how they were playing. It's like, I can't fucking hate this team. So that's kind of how I feel. Like, it's like, all right, if my team's gonna lose, just fucking lose early. Just get it over with.

Two in the back of the head. All right, I'll see you next season. Don't do this shit. Will you get it? Three, two.

What? Like last game? Last game of the season? Because everybody remembers that one. No one remembers somebody losing in the first round, but you lose in a final, a Super bowl or whatever, it's like you're gonna hear about that for the rest of your fucking life.

I'm trying to think if anything else happened when I was out here. Oh, you know what I did when I was out here? I went and I took a drive to go look at that giant Chevrolet sign that's out here. They have this thing, like, sort of that route 66 neon sign era thing. It was a really cool name, too, for a Chevrolet dealership.

Where the hell was it? Jesus Christ. I took a lot of fucking pictures.

It was like, good time Charlie Chevrolet. No, that's not what it was. What the hell was it? This is when you get to listen to how fucking old I am. Is this it right here?

That isn't it. This isn't it. That's not it. You motherfucker.

Ah, Jesus Christ. You know what's so stupid? Is taking photos and videos and shit. You look at it, like, one time and then you can never find it again. And then you spend, like, how many minutes each time trying to find it?

You probably, I bet you at the end of your life you're going to spend at least three days of your life looking for a picture or a photo.

Anyway, one more show tonight here in Phoenix. Crowds have been fucking amazing. I have been pretty good. I'm not gonna upgrade myself, you know, pretty harshly here, trying to make sure I'm gonna be ready for the bowl. I think it's gonna be a fucking great show.

Definitely gonna try to make sure I just do stand up as much as I can leading up to the bowl, and then I'm gonna do it. And, bill, make sure you take it in.

But anyway, a lot of good stuff coming up, and I just want to get home and fucking hang with my family. It's really what I want here, so. All right. Through the magic of editing, you're not going to hear any delay, but I'm going to be waiting for this shit. Maybe I'll put on the.

I'll put on the Knicks game here, see what they're doing with their fucking cocky ass fans. We want Boston.

The most New York fucking thing ever. We want Boston. It's like the level of great that New Yorkers think just because they're in New York is the funniest fucking their delusion. You guys haven't won in 51 fucking years. You don't want Boston, you want a playoff series victory.

That's what you really want. You're not fooling anybody. Stop acting like you're not scared of other teams. Who do you think is buying that shit? The fucking shit talking Knicks fan.

How funny is that? Okay, well, you know, if we win the first round and you win the second, 1st round, maybe. Yeah, I think that that's what's going to happen. All right. Just like that.

Look what happens. Oh, look what happens. The information I needed comes in and I can finish the podcast. While I was waiting for it, I was watching NBA fans trashing this particular NBA player for being a baby.

And then they show this other guy, he never would have done that. It's like, yeah, he would have. He walked off the court during losses. No names mentioned. I kept it classy, all right.

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All right, and with that, and with that, we move on. We move on to the next scenario here. What do we got here? I guess we got the stuff that you guys wrote in. All right.

Tooth fairy alternative. All right, so as I mentioned, you know the only one of the few things I don't enjoy about being a parent, other than listening to other parents with kids slightly older than me act like they know exactly what my kids are gonna do when they become their age because they're so fucking self involved, right? I hate the whole fucking tooth fairy, Easter Bunny, Santa Claus.

I don't mind Santa Claus if they just had the one, you know? Because you could handle the one and just be like, all right, look, I told little white lies. You could get a bunch of fucking gifts. Do you want to know the real story? It's supposed to be this guy named Jesus's birthday, and he's allegedly the son of God.

And you know, God had enough, like, impregnated a married woman. Kind of broke one of his commandments right out of the gate. But, you know, he was older and he wanted to be a dad. So then that guy was the son of God, and, you know, he walked around and he was sort of like a life coach. And then he got an entourage, and then one of them turned on him because he wanted to start his own business or something.

And then he got tortured to death. Now, what do you like better? Do you like that money? Or do you like the. There's this fat white dude in a red suit, you know, with flying reindeer.

I don't fucking know. I just. I don't like this shit where I, you know, I gotta buy into the group lie. I start my life off, like, lying to my kids, and then eventually they figure it out. So the tooth fairy just seems like the most unnecessary thing, okay.

Where it's just like, can I. You know, okay. You lost a tooth. Okay? It's great.

You're growing up. It hurt when it came out. Here's $5. Why can't. Why can't I do that?

Why does there have to be this magical thing? Like, all of that shit is not for kids. It's for adults. It's for depressed adults that are just stuck in whatever governmental system they're in that is just not fulfilling them spiritually. So what they have to do is come up with this magical shit so they can see joy and innocence in their kids eyes for as long as they possibly can and somehow hang on to that so they can fucking go to work for another week.

But meanwhile, you're lying to your kids. Dear Billy, Tooth fairy. All right. Tooth fairy alternative. I was listening recently and heard your take on the tooth fairy.

The name, the tradition, all of it. First off, I was laughing hysterically because you. But wanted to write in and tell you what I ended up doing. Ten years ago, I was a widower. I'm sorry.

And my sons were three, five and seven. Oh, my God. Oh, Jesus Christ. I'm sorry. That happened.

Prime time to losing teeth.

You lost your wife while your kids were three, five and seven. My God. They knew about the tooth fairy. But when life took an unexpected turn and it was just the four of us, I thought it was time for a change. Oh, when your wife passed.

Okay, for starters, the tooth fairy was now referred to as the tooth gladiator. Why gladiator? I have no fucking clue. It's just what came to me, and it stuck. It has nothing to do with homophobia.

I just never liked the term fairy. In fact, the term gained traction with classmates and teachers at school. Apparently, my boys enjoyed telling them how the tooth gladiator visited them. Yeah, well, a boy is going to like to say that way more than a fairy. Sure.

Second, forget sneaking into their room and getting the tooth and leaving money under the pillow. Lost teeth were bagged and stuck on the fridge. Next morning, the boys would run out and check the fridge for a note from the gladiator and a few bucks. This idea was out of necessity. Single dad, full time job, no family around to help clean, cook, do laundry.

Three kids that young. I was whipped by the time they went to bed. Seeing that bag in the fridge reminded me more than once to write the note and leave the money before I crashed for the night. You're a great fucking dad, dude. Anyway, it would be a huge thrill if you were to get this email, much less read it on your podcast.

Thank you for helping me get through some really difficult days. All the best to you and your family. Hey, dude, I can't imagine having to go through that. So tooth gladiator is pretty fucking cool.

Yeah. Speaking of homophobia, there's, like, somebody that got, like, drafted and the entire post is everybody's saying the guy is gay and trashing him and all of that type of stuff. I fucking hate people. I hate that fucking, like, I just don't. That's the fucking thing where it's just like, you know, you want to believe in God?

Fine. But you want to believe in a God that actually loves you and cares about you. I just don't get it. Because God also made those homophobe morons, you know? Like, how?

Like, who the fuck goes online and just writes a bunch of shit like that? Like, for what? Like, what is your fucking issue? Why do you give a shit what this person is? Who gives a shit?

As long as they do the goddamn job, who gives a fuck? Like, the entire text thread, there wasn't one person going like, hey, you know, did you guys fucking lay off them? What's. What's. What's the fuck is wrong with you?

And I just hate, like, how, you know, you can do it totally anonymously. You know what I mean? You should. You know, I always find that, like, twitter whenever, like, someone would really fucking come at me. You know, they was always like, you know, no face on the account, no name, just fucking.

Just, I don't know. I fucking. It's depressing. 2024. Still like that?

All right. Irrational dads during election time. Hey, Billy saggy tits. What's going on? I got my fucking.

I got my revenge body together. I am. I'm looking pretty good these days. No fucking man tits. I don't know if you heard, no more shinebox, no more man tits.

I was right. I actually never had man tits. What I had was I had the third peck, which is the belly, and the second you get the belly, even if you have pecs, it makes you look like you got three boobs. I was writing in on some advice about what I should do about my dad's behavior in this upcoming election. Yet nothing.

Nothing. Thats if its bothering you, just get away from it. Cut him out of your life until the elections over. For the past two elections, my dad has been close to unbearable around almost anyone in his vicinity and would purposely go out of his way to talk politics with other people. For example, he would invite his MAGA friends over every Thursday night for the sole purpose of getting shitfaced and start ignorantly fighting over politics until two in the morning.

Oh, is he? Oh, it wasn't oh, MAGA friends are in quotes. I mean, once somebody's wearing that red hat or if they have on the gender neutral bathrooms button or something, there's no talking to that person. They are fully committed. Once somebody puts the bumper sticker on the car, what you should say is be like, you just, you know, anytime they just start talking just really loudly, go, oh, is that how it is?

And just keep doing versions of that until they get frustrated and leave. Hey, I never looked at it that way. This guy's really onto something and just keep doing that and laughing anyway over every. And like most ignorant people, he swears that he is more intelligent and more informed than anybody and watches CNN all day, flipping to Fox News periodically so he can scream at the television and let out some of his diminished testosterone levels. I know as much as you're making fun of this guy, he's actually like a victim of this fucking two party system in two.

You know, all news is controlled by two white guys. This is the liberal channel. This is the fucking conservative one. I don't know anybody that I've seen that watches those channels on a regular basis and isn't filled with anxiety and isn't screaming and yelling and doesn't think that this whole country is going to shit. And I'm not saying that there aren't a lot of problems in this country, but like, who they're saying, like these politicians is not.

You got to push past it. You got to get out of that stupid Yankees Red Sox horseshit. You got to get past it. You gotta get to the team owners if you really want to start to understand and then hold politicians equally accountable for taking these people's bribe monies. Bribe moneys.

Bribe money to do horrible fucking things. Anyway, that's just my opinion. Anyway, I showed him someone something on RFK the other day and he absolutely ripped me a new one. He said that if Trump got elected again and I voted for RFK, it would be 100% my fault that he got in. Yeah, I love when people do that.

Even if, you know, the electoral votes still went towards the blue candidate. I'm 21 years old, in college, and think I have every right to make a decision on my own. Yes, you do. Yes, you do. And I think people should encourage, you know, people to vote for who they want to vote for.

Um, let me see here. Where am I going? I am 21 years old, blah, blah, blah. It saddens me to know that my dad has fallen victim to the mainstream news thinking that it's us against them, the Democrats versus the Republicans. And it's ridiculous that come election time, most of the country may also think this way.

Yeah, they do. And they get ridiculously upset if you try to step back and look at the bigger picture. And then they just start like, you know, all that name calling shit people do with me, like, he's a centrist and a blah blah blah and this, he's a this and a that. And it's like, you know, if they could actually refute your argument, they wouldn't just be coming at you with a label or a name. You know what I mean?

Even like that. Oh, the fucking red hats or the libtards. I mean, both sides sound like fucking morons. And I don't understand why that isn't a valid opinion. I mean, I see liberals out in fucking Hollywood, like, they call like 48 of the 50 states, flyover states, and it's done in this arrogant thing.

Like, there's nothing to see there, nothing matters there. And while they simultaneously say that the whole country's going to shit, it's like, well, how couldn't it with people like you that think 48 of the states don't even matter because there's all just a bunch of morons in it. It's like, they're like, I don't know. I don't know. And then to go out, you know, into the rural areas of this country and just see how overt, like, racism and homophobia is like that level of ignorance, it's just, I mean, I don't like, how do you line up with either side?

Doesn't make any fucking sense to me. It just doesn't. There's good people and fucked up people in every fucking state in every country, every form of government. None of them work because human beings are running it and we're inherently flawed. And I just think power attracts psychopaths, and then psychopaths hire nerds to make their dreams come true, which is coming up with all this controlling, anything from social media to this.

This fucking AI shit. I mean, that's what kills me. Nobody on the Democrat or the republican side seems to be concerned with the actual fucking issues. All they do is just blame each other. It's like, why are we moving towards robots and AI?

What? What? You know, nobody asked. Nobody's asking for this. The people that are in control want it so they can phase us out or have even more control or whatever the fuck, and, like, not have to worry about unions coming back.

Like, unions are going to come back in a big way right now. Like, the level of homelessness and the fact that people working 40 hours a week and still can't make their bills. Like a revolution is going to happen in the working class like it did back in the fucking 18 hundreds. That led to fucking unions that then, of course, became corrupt. They became corrupt, too.

Like, it's just human beings. We're just fucking flawed. So I think they're working on this AI shit. Cause they know that the level that they're taking, like, it's so amazing that you see all of these people living out on the fucking street underneath bridges and all of this shit, and then simultaneously you see these slick real estate agents showing these fucking homes and these penthouses, like, who the fuck can afford these things? And the fact that people can afford these things, is that why these other people have to live under a fucking bridge?

Is it that simple? I don't know. But I do know if you talk about shit like that, people just get mad. They just want, you know, stick with, like, talking points. So, you know, you're 21 years old, so you're kind of open to listen to this type of stuff.

I hope you hang on to that. I hope your generation hangs onto that. And you can do what my generation, every other generation hasn't been able to do, which is get out of this stupid two party fucking systems that is beyond fucking corruption. All right, I'm off my soapbox anyways. This guy says, I'm 21 years old in college, and I think I have every right to make a decision on my own.

It saddens me to know that my dad has fallen victim to the mainstream. You know, it's us against them, Democrats versus Republicans. Ridiculous that this country. That the election. At the election time.

At election time. Most of the country may think that way, too. See what happens when I try to blow through a sentence I already read? I fear our rocky relationship may take a turn for the worse over this time, as it has with all of his friends. But I feel this is an important thing to do, regardless of what my morbidly obese Joe Rogan looking dad thinks.

I don't think I've ever pictured Joe Rogan morbidly obese. He's always been in top condition. Thanks for all the laughs. You're one of my favorite comedians, and in my opinion, one of the best to ever do it. Oh, Jesus.

Thank you. Go Seltz and Bruins. And finally, go fuck yourself. What you got to do is just approach it with humor.

You know what I mean? Like I said. Oh, you just do that? Is that what's going on? The next time he goes off on you in politics?

You could just say, hey, dad, you know, I just came in here for a game of catch. You know, act like you're a little kid, or just. Just. I would just go silly the entire time. I wouldn't discuss politics with them.

Are we going to do this again tonight, dad? Really? Are we doing this?

At any point? Do you find it that maybe you should, that watching 24 hours news networks is causing you to scream at your own son? I mean, think about that, dad. Someday you're going to be on your deathbed, and you're going to be thinking that in 2024, I spent eleven months yelling at my son because I watched 24 hours news. Or we could go out and go get a beer and enjoy this beautiful fucking day.

Just don't curse at him, all right? More business slang. Cyber slacking. I love that you guys find this shit so insane that one three men make a tiger, meaning that if enough, enough people believe it, it can become true. They're literally admitting that they're lying.

And that whole thing of, like, a problem is referred to as an opportunity in corporate speak. Oh, my God. It just blows my fucking mind that you're young, you got your whole life ahead of you, and you're going for dreams. How the fuck do you get sucked into the corporate world? I always just hope that maybe this is the generation that just tries to do their own thing and get away from it.

I mean, I know they. I mean, what are you supposed to do? You gotta make a fucking living. But, like, to just keep going deeper and deeper into that soulless fucking building is beyond me. I never made it past the fucking warehouse.

I'm acting like cause I was a patriot? No, I didn't make it cause I wasn't smart enough to get into the carpeted area. All right, more business slang. Cyber slacking. Hey, Billy Belliptical.

I'm a 20 year old college student set to graduate this coming fall. My girlfriend of the last six months recently has been giving me some shit about my male memory. Let me break it down for your dumb bostonian mind.

Hey, don't blame the whole city for my ignorance. I have a little bit of trouble remembering small things. For example, if my girlfriend says to me on Wednesday, hey, let's make this for dinner on Saturday night, I will very likely not remember and end up asking what she wants to do for dinner on Saturday night. This ends up making her mad, and she basically just decides that my memory is dog shit and that she can't trust me to remember anything as of the night that I am writing you. She actually decided to walk home tonight after I forgot about something that was so stupid that I actually forgot what it was that we were arguing about.

Oh, you're, like, forgetting shit in real time. I called my dad tonight and talked to him about it, and he said that's just the way that women are and that he's been trying to figure out how women operate for the last 25 years. He's been married to my mother. I've tried to explain. Dude, that's fucking hilarious.

I tried to explain to my girl that my brain is just not wired to remember every little thing that she tells me. I can remember anniversaries, birthdays, vacation dates, and all that other important shit. But if she wants me to remember a ten second conversation that we had days or even hours ago, then fucking forget it. The male brain is just not wired that way. I love this girl with all my heart, and I truly want to be with her for the rest of my life.

However, the longer I'm with her, the more I realize that you, my good sir, are correct with your words of wisdom. We are always working on me. It's never her problems or personal issues that need to be fixed. It's always mine. Some more advice on this would be great.

Greatly appreciated. And as always, go fuck yourself, you redheaded ball bag.

I had a breakthrough in my relationship when I said, like, okay, I'll work on that. And I'll work on this and I'll work on that other thing. All right, well, here's my question. What are you gonna work on?

Where do you feel that you need to improve? And, like, she had nothing, so it's like, all right, so you're basically saying that you're a perfect person. You're totally so anything that. So you're not hearing me when I'm telling you that I don't like something.

What works with women is neutral energy and silence. That's what works with them. If you fucking engage with them in a fucking argument and you start to corner them, they're going to manipulate it. They're going to storm out of the room, they're going to start crying. They're gonna bring up other things.

And what I find with women is that there's a whole bunch of areas that you can't go to in an argument, but that rule does not apply to them. They can go wherever they want, especially if they feel like they're starting to lose the argument. So, which is gonna lead them to say something fucking horrible, and then later they're gonna say, sorry, sorry about that, and then just wanna walk away from it. So. And then you're gonna carry it, and then it's gonna bring, you know, it's gonna create resentment in the relationship.

So what I have found is what works is to just, you know, let them get the last word in, let them say that last really mean thing, and then just nod, and then just walk away. And then that's it. And then you just sit down, you know, and eventually they'll come back in the room and be like, hey. And just be like, hey, are you still mad at me? And just be like, no.

All right, so, like, are we. Are we friends again? It's like, we were never not friends. I mean, I don't appreciate what you said, but I know enough that I'm not gonna tell you that I don't appreciate it because I know you're not gonna hear it, and it's just gonna start an argument against. So I'm trying to figure out, you know, I guess I just have to accept that you're gonna say these horribly mean things in an argument that have nothing to do.

You just. You just kind of go that way. And what you're actually doing is you're kind of talking about it in a way like you're trying to, like, you know, I'm not asking you to change. I know better than to do that. I'm just gonna live with your fucking bullshit.

And I have to figure it out. You don't say it that way. That's just kind of how, you know, you get an apology from a woman by not asking for one and just walking away. But if you're walking up to them, go, no, you got a fucking apologize to me. They get all in their fucking ego, and then they go, like, defcon five on manipulation, and they try to flip everything around and stuff.

Now, this is just what I'm saying, if you're right in the argument. So as far as her, like, storming off and walking home or whatever, you know, I mean, that's a dangerous thing to do. Is she walking along a busy road? Is it a bad part of town? Every place seems like a bad part of town nowadays, but, you know, if that's what the fuck.

Or she storms off and goes home, then it's just like, I think that you just come home and it's just. It's just neutral energy. She's gonna be stomping all around the apartment and just let her, you know. Oh, that's right. You don't even give a fuck, do you?

Just do all of that shit and just be like, you know, I mean, like, what am I supposed to do with this behavior right now? You literally just stormed out of the sandbox like a. Like a fucking three year old. Nah, see, you can't say fuck. I mean, it's.

I'm telling you, it's like dismantling a bomb. No, I get it. You know, I get it. You're upset. You're upset.

You storm off, you walk home. You're mad at me. Cause I can't remember what you said.

Do you want to get, like, post its and start writing down everything that you said and stick them to my body? We'll put them in alphabetical order, so when you ask the questions, I can go through it like a post it Rolodex.

I don't know. The more I talk about this, the more I'm getting annoyed with the fucking person you're with.

Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm better, like, in the moment when I can, like, hear what they. What they said. But, like, when I started actually being heard in my relationship was when I stopped arguing with my wife, and I was just like, all right, all right, cool. And literally, you won by letting them win, because what they really want in that moment is for you to say the last fucked up thing so they can storm up.

So what you do is you let them say the last fucked up thing and then you just nod, and you get quiet. And then that makes them think about what the fuck they just said. Nothing you're ever gonna say to a woman will ever make her think about what she's doing, unless you're with a really evolved person. And I'm gonna say, because you guys are in your twenties, you're still figuring out a lot of shit. That's a really rare person.

I mean, it took me. Oh, my God. I mean, it took me till I was, like, late forties to my early fifties to actually be able to hear what my wife was saying to me. So, you know, I'm not trying to make it seem like, you know, these bitches are fucked up. I'm not saying that.

But in your situation, like, what are we doing here? I can't remember what we're having for dinner for Saturday night. So now you're fucking getting out of the car or leaving the bar and walking home by yourself.

I mean, let me ask you this. What if I remembered? Would there be an equal level of excitement? Would balloons come down from the ceiling?

I don't know. Anyway, I mean, I think it's cool that you can call your dad up and he can empathize with you and just be like, you know, it's just how they are, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's just like, you know what's funny about that is that most women would hear that, and it doesn't make them in any way examine their own behavior, that they're doing this to the men in their lives. They just look at us like we're fucking idiots.

And that's why men golf.

That's why, you know, there's 18 fucking holes. That's such a weird number. It's not ten. It's not 15. It's not 20.

It's 18. Somebody figured out the perfect number that you could go out there, and it's a combination. I can get away from my wife, and this is the absolute limit of time that I can get. I can be away without her getting mad again now that I was away and then basically ruining whatever I got out of being away. Cause now she's mad that I was away.

18. Like fucking test pilots that figure out the performance envelope of an aircraft, all right? You can go to this speed. Anything beyond this, this fucking thing's gonna rip apart, or you're gonna have whatever fucking engine fail, you're gonna kill yourself. 18 fucking holes.

Cause it could have been ten or 15, but the guy, they didn't want to go home. What about. Can we get away with 16? All right, let's try it. Let's try it.

1718, we're going for 19. Let's do it. Then she flipped out. All right, 18, just keep it at 1818 holes, that's the fucking limit. And then you come home.

But anyway, you know, with your girl, you'd just be like, I don't understand what the problem is. I love you with all my heart. I'm a good guy, I don't fuck around on you. And you know, yeah, I forget what we're having on dinner for dinner Saturday night and it's just like the level of upset that you are by that I mean what are you gonna do when something actual the day this shit actually really does hit the fan, you gonna fucking jump off a building? I mean, don't you think you're overreacting a little bit?

Cause I do. You know, you gotta have a little bit of balls. You gotta have the fucking balls to like, you know, piss them off a little bit. I mean that works both ways. I don't know.

I don't know, dude.

It's, you know, it's just how they are.

You know what you should do? You should tell her something. Okay, I'm play hockey sun Tuesday night where and whenever she forgets, you should just in a mockingly way fucking storm off, you know, or just say you like, you know, just know. You know what? They actually really remember shit like that because they always keep tabs on you.

They want to know where the fuck you are. Just tell her, you know, whatever. What is that guy? Tyler O'Neal, he's got. He just hit his 9th home run for the Red Sox and then bring that up like a few days later.

You remember that? How many home runs did I say that guy had for the Red Sox? Oh my God. How could you forget that? You don't listen to me.

God, listen to my voice. Fucking three shows screaming my jokes, getting all Billy raspy here. How am I sounding like Demi Moore here? All right, that's the podcast. Thank you guys for listening.

And I'm celebrating another year of not watching the NFL draft. I will never fucking understand that. People going to it.

Well, what are you going to do next? You're going to watch them like, you're going to sit in a room where they make up the new kickoff rule? Sit in that meeting for the whole fucking week decked out in jerseys anyway. Or maybe that's just a way to get away. That's your 18 holes of golf.

I should shut the fuck up. All right. Have a great weekend. Or a great week. Couple of days.

Go fuck yourselves, and I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Monday Morning Podcast 4-29-24

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1: Introduction

2: Golf Tales

3: NFL Draft Rant

4: Personal Reflections

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