Monday Morning Podcast 4-22-24

Bill Burr
Hey, what's going on? It's Bill Burr, and it's time for the Monday morning podcast for Monday, April 22, 2024. What's going on? How are ya? How's it going?

I'll tell you right now, I don't got time for this shit. You know what I'm saying, man? Fucking busy Sunday night trying to knock this out because I don't got time for this shit. I'm coming at you guys like an old school dad that's doing some shit, and he ruins it. Because the whole time he's doing this shit, all he does is tell you he doesn't have time for this shit.

Come on. Get in a goddamn car. Christ. I don't got time for this shit. Out of your seat belt.

Just fucking sit down and shut the fuck up. Your goddamn mother fucking set this whole fucking thing up. Does she tell me it's in backing down the driveway? Did she tell you? Of course she does it.

I'm living in her fucking world, her rules. What the fuck I ever got married for? Quit. You're crying. I don't got time for this shit.

That sums up the dads. When I was growing up, dads didn't have time for this shit. Then Hollywood took it and realized that I don't have time for this shit. Coming from a dad saying it to his kids was too sad. So they switched it up, and they turned it into, I'm too old for this shit.

And then they just had to be about cops that were, like, you know, really close to retiring, which is fucking hilarious. I love that they're really close to retiring, but they're still out in the street having gun battles. It's like, what? What the fuck did you steal out of the evidence room that you're still out there doing that shit? Shouldn't you be behind a desk going, all right, you know, Kowalski and fucking serengeti.

Serengeti. Why don't you. You guys go down there, you go check it. I got a call. We got a call.

There's some sort of gunplay down there at the crack house. All right. Yeah, you got your best son. All right, I'll see you later. That's what the fuck.

You're supposed to be doing the end of your cop career. Not riding on top of a bus as you're looking at a bunch of trees that are hanging lower than the top of the bus, ducking your head, going, I'm getting too old for this shit. You know? Well, maybe you should have made some better career choices and gotten a promotion every once in a while instead of being the fucking guy fucking up out there. Whatever the hell you did.

I mean, what do you got to do? Let me. Any cops listen to this? What the fuck do you have to be doing other than wanting to still be out there? Let's just get that out of, you know, that fucking guy.

I don't want to be in the office area. It's fucking boring. I'm not going to spend my last ten years doing paperwork. But the fucking guys that actually wanted to be in the office, but they're still out there dodging bullets. What?

What did they do? They did something. You did something. You know what I mean? That's like fucking running into somebody.

They've been in the military for eight years and they still only have one stripe on their shirt. It's like, ah, you did something. Yeah. Now you come here. You.

You did something.

Christ, I'm getting too old for this shit. Um. I don't got time for this shit.

Tell you right now, I've had it up to here. Just fucking leave me alone. I got time for this shit. Come on. Stop it.

Um, anyway, um. My brain's all over the place. I, uh. That's the end of my kids vacations. We had a fucking great time.

I don't mind being so aggressive about it. We had a great time. We had a fucking great time. Didn't we, kids? Say it.

Yeah, just did. Just some monster dad days. I made sure that I was not on the road this week. So every day we went out and we did something, and you know the game plan, it's like, we're gonna wear these kids. I'm gonna tell you right now, I'm gonna fucking wear these kids out.

And you kind of do it, but they take you down with them. It's like if you see somebody drowning and you're not a strong swimmer, if you go in to save them, they're going to pull you under and you're both going to drown. And then people at your funeral will be like, that's where he was. You know, he wasn't the kind of guy to, you know, sit back and, you know, be on the sidelines. He would go in and get involved.

Even if he wasn't good at the activity, he was about ready to participate in that could cause, possibly cost him his life. And that's what he did on that day, you know? But I think I speak for most of us when we say we would. We would have let that complete stranger that had no effect on our life go under by himself. But, you know, that's not the way Mikey was wired.

He got involved. I remember the first time he got stabbed. He was driving down the street, completely safe in a car, saw two people in a knife fight. He pulls over, goes in. I'm like, mikey, what the fuck are you doing?

And he's like, you know, I don't subscribe to being a passenger in life. And I was like, what the fuck does that mean, Mike, you're driving. He puts it in park. He goes over there, you know, before he even gets the word out, you know, those two guys stop fighting each other. Now they're stabbing.

Mikey got stabbed 17 times. Somehow they miss vital organs. I mean, this kid was spraying like a fucking goddamn sprinkler. But, you know, that's just how he was. He got involved in shit he didn't need to get involved in, and now he's fucking dead.

So here's to Mikey.

I'm sure he's up there right now getting involved in some shit, but it's not gonna matter because he's already dead anyway. I don't even know who won the Celtics game. All I know was that Jamie Foxx wasn't playing, so I knew we had a giant. Jamie Foxx was not playing, so we had a chance at winning. We came out on fire.

Jalen Brown in particular, draining threes, spin moves, garden going crazy, right? But, you know, I got the kids, so I only got to watch that. And I know the Bruins won. Oh, by the way, I know the Knicks won. And the fucking New York Knicks.

You gotta give it up to Knick fans. After fucking winning one game in the first round of the NBA playoffs, who the fuck would they play? Sixers playing the 76 ers. You know what they chanted at the end of the game outside the arena? They were chanting, we want Boston.

Telling you right now, if I was putting out a dictionary and I was in, the word optimist came up and there was going to be a picture, whatever, they have it, they got to replace it. They got to get fucking Mother Teresa. Whoever, whoever people ever thought was a good person, they got to replace it. With a knicks fan, they always think this is the year. They always think they got the team.

They always think that it's. It's like fucking. It's 17,000. Charlie Brown's running full speed to kick the ball, knowing full well that them in their zigzag fucking shorts are gonna. You're gonna end on your back.

Nick fans, you don't want Boston, you want the heat to beat Boston. That's what you want. That's what the fuck you need. All right? I know you had a fucking good regular seat.

I don't know why, but I did get a kick out of it. That. That's what the fuck they said. Because my whole. Not my whole life, but, like, once ESPN and everybody really just started stoking the fires of rivalries.

I remember when they. When the Yankees Red Sox thing was huge, 1918 and all that shit. Curse of the babe. They would. They just built this stupid fucking story that Boston had an inferiority complex because they were so close to New York and they weren't New York.

Dude, I gotta tell you something. As someone who grew up there, we didn't know shit about New York. Did no shit. We knew there was the Empire State Building and the Statue of Liberty. That was it.

We had no. Nobody fucking knew anything. We knew as much about New York as they knew about Boston. You know them, they're like, oh, what are you from Boston? And they do, like, a Midwest accent.

No, not Boston. Boston. You getting some chowder?

I lived in Boston for 27 years. I heard everything under the sun other than, hey, do you want to get some chowder? I never saw a lighthouse. None of my friends were lobster fishermen.

The big wave story from those fishermen up in Gloucester. You know who knew that story? People in Gloucester and fucking maybe in Marblehead and a couple of weathermen. Nobody knew any of that. Nobody knows, all right?

People, they're focused on their own fucking life. So I got a kick out of the fact that they're paying attention to Boston. And I know good and goddamn well New Yorkers don't know shit about any other fucking city. They walk in and it's got less buildings. That's all they know.

And then they order a bacon, egg and cheese wherever they are, and then they bitch because they don't make it as good as they do on the bodega 2ft from where they live. They're morons.

They just are. I'm not saying we're not morons in Boston, but they're fucking morons anyway. But I root for the Knicks the same way I root for the Toronto Maple Leafs, unless they're playing my Bruins. Bruins. That game I watched up until the third period, then I had to go out and go do a spot.

I left after Kylo's fucking goal, and every time I walked out of the room, they kept scoring goals and I kept having to rewind. So then I was going like, do I need to leave the room. And it's like, no, dude, you let go of this. You let go of that stupid old lady superstition slash narcissistic thought that you, who can barely skate backwards in a pickup game at 1130 at night fucking ice time, somehow are affecting the outcome of an NHL playoff. So anyway, yeah, we looked great from what I saw and just shut down all of those goal scorers that they have.

But I gotta be honest with you. Like, the sand has to be running out of the hourglass of the Maple Leafs not winning a playoff series. I mean, they haven't won a playoff series since 2004. That was 20 fucking years ago.

I mean, it's like, it doesn't even make sense. It boggles the fucking mind that that's even possible. And part of the tradition of the Stanley cup playoffs every year is not only them talking about it's the hardest trophy to win the fucking war. I mean, to chuck last year, Kac, never know how to say that name. The guy had a broken sternum.

Had to have somebody dress him. I think his brother dressed him and he still played. I mean, they're fucking warriors. So they always go through that whole thing like, that great footage they do at the end of March madness, you know, the shining moment that they play. Like, they always go back and they show all these bloody guys missing teeth and all that shit.

What they did to get this fucking trophy, right? But part of that highlight reel is Toronto Maple Leafs sitting outside their fucking arena, wildly excited, like it's finally going to happen. And then just the wheels fall off and they slowly go away and then there's just like 30% of them are left. Like, I'll tell you, the level of respect that I have for hardcore New York Nick and Toronto Maple Leaf fans is ten out of ten. Because for the most part, I mean, the Knicks had some really bad years, but for the most part, they don't have the decency to just suck.

They have to get your hopes up before they rip your heart out. And it's like, you know, even with the jets, as much as the jets fans get excited and they start giving out nicknames in August, in the preseason, they're the fucking king of that shit, you know? Fucking man genius. Sanchez, what was the other one we were going through? All of them.

All of the fucking Eddie cutlets, all of this fucking shit, right? They did this. Jimmy Cutlets, Vinnie whatever his fucking name was, right? They do this every fucking year. Every fucking.

They don't just. They can't just be like, hey, we're starting to turn shit around. They immediately go, dude, we're going to the fucking Super Bowl.

I don't know. I admire that. I admire that. And just watching it, it's like you're fucking just looking, you know, you're just looking the other way because, you know, the, you know, the other, the other cleat or whatever, the other skate, the other whatever, it's going to drop and the whole thing comes fucking crashing down. So I dont think this playoff series against the Maple Leafs is going to be easy.

Im beyond excited about the season that the Bruins had, and this was a major hangover year, losing Patrice Bergeron and David Kraji, and I thought we were going to be middle of the pack and we were upper third, which I was really happy last I checked the standings. Really ignorant all of this shit with my life right now. But, you know, if we win a playoff series, that's more than we did last year. Ran to the buzzsaw. That was the Florida Panthers last year.

Unfortunately, they came up short. That was an amazing story, but whatever. Bruce Cassidy won one, you know, former Bruins coach. I was happy for him with Vegas. Anyway, that's when, see, that's where my expectations are measured.

Knicks fans, maple Leaf fans measured. Well, Maple Leaf fans know Nick fans don't measured. I'm like, look what we lost. You can't replace those guys. They're fucking hall of Famers.

Like, is this crazy, getting the hall of Fame? I think it should be in the hall of Fame. Bergeron definitely. I'm looking coming out of that. If we just win a playoff series, that's fucking amazing.

So anyway, I'll be watching game two tonight and had a fucking awesome weekend. Dean Del Rey, the Dean Del Razor took me to the Hollywood bowl on Saturday night where I saw the 60th birthday party from Maynard Tool and all those guys fucking showed up. And Primus, perfect circle and pussifer, which I never even heard of that band. And everybody comes out at the same time. There was like three drum kits on stage and they were just taking turns.

They would sing two, three songs, and then the next band would come down, and then the other rest of the band would be up there hanging out and doing shit, which I don't want to ruin for when you go to the show. It was fantastic. The level of humor in it was fantastic. I don't want to give away any of this show. Maynard's fucking hilarious.

And I ended up seeing a drummer I never heard of. Gunnar Olson absolutely fucking blew me away.

And then there was just everything. It just seemed like every other song was, like, an odd time. Certainly a perfect circle. I think everything's in six. Josh Friese was playing Tim Alexander for Primus.

So I was in my glory. And as fantastic as the show was, like, Maynard literally sounds like the album from, like, 30 years ago. It's fucking ridiculous. It's the only other time I saw that I did a gig with Tony Bennett. I swear to God, one of the most insane gigs I ever did.

It was Tony. Jon Stewart was hosting. It was Tony Bennett, Bruce Springsteen, Joe McHale, me, and I want to say Jerry Seinfeld at the Beacon Theater. And Joe McHale had to follow. Fucking had to follow.

He had to follow those two fucking giants, and Bruce Springsteen had to follow Tony Bennett. And then he had Tony. Bruce Springsteen said, how am I going to follow this? And he went out and fucking, you know, sliding around on his knees, jumping up on the piano, just fucking went all out and then auctioned off his fucking guitar to these rich people. They paid, like, 100 grand for it.

And then they're like. And now Joe McHale, like, he's got, like, the greatest. What did you have to follow? And we were both just laughing. I mean, those two guys were killing so fucking hard.

I was just like, not only is Joel going to struggle, so am I. And that's, you know, that's kind of what happened. And then Jerry came out, and he's Jerry, and he fucking destroyed. But we both definitely took one for the team that night anyway. So as amazing as the show was, there was this group of people in front of us.

We had, like, box seats at the Hollywood bowl. If you've never been there, you got to see a show there. So each box has, like, four seats, right? So in the box in front of us, there's four seats. And somehow they.

There was anywhere from six to eight people in it at a time. It was like the old days when you would sneak into a drive in movie theater, which I never did. I just used to watch footage of it, right? And they would stick, like, five people in the trunk. So you only had to pay for, like, two people, and you'd open it up and everybody come running out.

It was basically that version of it, box seats. And these people, I don't know, they're probably ten to 15 years younger than me. They were fucking tailgating, drinking tall beers and smoking joints. I'm talking the final song. And they announced, this is the final song.

And they lit a new joint. Like, I was looking at. Like, I was looking at Dean, like, at first we were like, aren't these guys a little old to be fucking drinking like this? And then it just became funny. And they were dancing in the fucking aisles.

And my favorite part, they were doing these weird fucking dances and they're making videos as they were running at each other like it was some, you know, with the lights, like, dude, this is gonna be killer shit. And I was laughing with D, and I was going, tomorrow when they sober up, they're gonna see what we're seeing right now.

But right now what they're doing is changing the fucking universe. So that was as fun as watching, as watching the bands. And, I mean, I got to see, you know, three of the best drummers out there and all in one night. And, like, it was like flipping channels. They just kept switching.

It was incredible. And then in the end, Danny Carey came out, the whole tool, you know, I'd never seen them live. They played one fucking song and I was just like, wow. Like, what is this? This is incredible.

Like, just the sonic, I don't know what you call it, just assault. Assault's bad. Cause that makes it sound like it was a bad thing. They were unfucking believable. And then everybody in the end came out and all jammed together.

It was an incredible night. And I kind of turned around at one point just to see what the crowd's gonna look like. I got a gig there in a few weeks and less than a few weeks, so I kinda had to look at it and be like, all right, okay. You know, just fucking one joke at a time.

Yeah, block it out anyway. Just act like it's not happening. And then when it does, just go out and do what you do and then think about it after. Anyway, had a great fucking time doing that. And then today a buddy of mine came over and he's got one of those french cars, the Citrone.

Citron. It's six cylinder. The engines put in backwards. It was fucking incredible. The car was amazing.

First of all, it had six cylinder. It was light as shit. So it like sort of low key haul dash, five speed, classic french car. You know, you're in a french car when the ashtray is closer than the radio. That's how they do it.

And this car, when you started it up, you had to sit there. Cause it had like these, this air suspension system and you had to let the car run and warm up or whatever. And all of a sudden the front end of the car lifts up three inches, and then the back end of the car lifts up three inches. So we're driving and that's probably, you know, and a frenchman at that point is, you know, halfway through his first cigarette. You know, back in the day when they made those cars, it was from the seventies, right?

And I remember they were illegal over here. When I was a kid, I had a Corgi car. Toy version of it. Oh, no, I think I'm thinking of a different car. There was one other car that they had that almost looked like the VW thing, except it was a longer version of it, and that car was not deemed safe enough.

I mean, the walls on this thing were like, they were like an 8th of an inch thick. It was like a tree fort, except it was made out of metal. And then they put wheels underneath it. And then it had like this rag top that you could just sort of like roll up like a yoga mat on top of it. I mean, the amount of decapitations, you know, the amount of berets laying in the streets when people drove those things must have been off the fucking.

On Le Roux Saint Germain.

Anyway, I rode around on that thing. So we're going down the street and there's these speed bumps coming up. And he goes, dude, watch this. And he fucking floors it. And I literally went, you know.

Cause the car hasn't been restored. I'm like, this whole fucking thing. The whole front end of this car is gonna, like, bottom out and it's gonna be all over the road. Dude, we went over them. You didn't even feel them.

It was just like. And I was like, dude, that's gotta do something to the tires. Something's taking the impact of that. We're not moving, but something is. He's like, no, man.

This how they built these fucking things. It was like, I never been in one of those. You ever see watch those baja races with those insane fucking pickup trucks? And maybe like the. I know, like the Ford Raptor, which I really feel is sort of the Mercedes g wagon of Ford trucks.

There's like a certain personality that buys it. It's not really a truck.

I mean, it is, but it's not really a truck. It's kind of, uh, you know, it's one of those cars. Hey, look at me. I'm doing big things over here. It's one of those fucking cars, dude.

You hear about Mike? You got a fucking. Why is everybody. Mike on the podcast, you hear about Jerry? Dude, Jerry got a fucking raptor.

You don't give a fuck. Just got a raise. His fucking loving life, his fucking wife's hot, you know? Must be nice, right? Must be nice.

That was the. That was Boston hating when I was growing up. Must be nice. Like, people would say that if your life was going well, they would start listing all the things that was going well in your life, and then they'd be like, must be nice. Look at you, huh?

Is that your. That's you out there? New car. Really? What, you pay for it?

Not bad. Cloth interior. It got ac. Wow. Must be nice.

Like, I'm supposed to feel fucking bad for you. It's like, dude, it's three in the afternoon on Tuesday. You're fucking drinking here. Why? Why don't you think you have that car?

I'm here picking up pizzas. You've been on the sauce since the place fucking opened. Come walking in, you flip the herald over to the backside. Fucking Red Sox lost again, dude. Right?

Been drinking ever since. What am I talking about? I don't know.

I'm very excited. This weekend I'm going to Phoenix, Arizona, for not one, not two, not three, but four. I'm hitting for the cycle out there. We just put a Sunday show on sale in, like, the past week. So all shows, what, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, are like 95% gone.

And then there's some tickets left on Sunday. So before I go any further, thank you to everybody in Phoenix ridiculously coming out to support me.

You know, I think you're gonna. My act is. I'm about ready to do a special, so I'm gonna be coming in at the top of my game, and I am not fucking around. Cause I got the special coming up in the Hollywood bowl, so I need to be. Oh, Billy.

Billy. Fucking focused on these goddamn. On things. All right, let's do some reads here for the week. Let's do some reads.

Okay, look, the Tim Ferriss show. This episode is brought to you by the Tim Ferriss show podcast. I like this. This is like Sesame street. The Tim Ferriss show crossed 1 billion downloads.

What? In 2023? Can you imagine if a billion people, like, actually listen to it? Like, one person. Like, 1 billion people all listen to one episode.

That would be what percentage of the whole planet? What I'm trying to say is, this guy is on his way to having as much downloads as there are people on the planet. Was it 8 billion people? He's 1 billion down, seven to go. Cross 1 billion downloads in 2023.

And it's celebrating its ten year anniversary this month. So this guy does, like, 100 million downloads a year. They have some very exciting plans for 2024. Each episode, Tim Ferriss deconstructs world class performers from eclectic worlds. Business, arts, sports, japanese knife making, sex work and everything in between.

Jesus craw, no one. No wonder you got a billion downloads talking to the whoas to extract the techniques, tricks, tools and routines you can use. Oh, to be a better fucking prostitute. Many notable guests had their first ever interviews on the Tim Ferriss show, including Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jamie Foxx from the Miami Heat, Jocko Willink, Rick Rubin, the founder of Cirque du Soleil, iconic filmmaker Darren Aronofsky, reclusive prodigy. Aren't all prodigies reclusive?

Talking to themselves? And then they make a movie about it. And then my left foot guy plays him and he gets an Oscar. Josh Waitzkin, Tony Robbins, and many, many more. Past guests have include Jerry Seinfeld, LeBron James, Edward Norton, Malcolm Goldwell, Matthew McConaughey and hundreds of others.

You know, I also did the show. If you think. If you're going to advertise, if I'm going to advertise another fucking podcast on my podcast, you can think you could at least give me a shout out. Tim. So who is Tim Ferriss?

Who inquiring minds want to know? Tim Ferriss has been listed on as one of the fast, as one of Fast Company's most innovative business people, and Newsweek has also called him the world's best guinea pig. I don't know what that means. He's the author of the number one New York Times and Wall Street Journal bestsellers, including the four hour work week and tools of titans. The tactics routines have.

When does this guy take a break? Habits of billionaires. Oh, I would love to hear that. Oh, yeah. Yeah.

They get out the morning and I make my bed. Yeah. And impress third world countries, icons, and world class performers. You can find the Tim Ferriss show wherever you get your podcast. You can learn more about the podcast as well as a five bulletin Friday, Tim's news newsletter with 2 million weekly subscribers at Tim blog.

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All right, let's get to the reads here for the week.

Not gonna lie to you. Just hit pause, went to bed. Now it's Monday morning. Now I'm fucking late. I don't got time for this shit.

And I watched the Celtics game in the third quarter. I'm assuming they won, Bill. How do you not know they won? You know what? I don't.

Because somehow nobody's texting me. It's fucking amazing. Okay, Bill. Great emails, right? Update.

Government asking for face scan, man. Oh, yeah. It's never gonna stop. This is what kills me. This is what they're gonna do, right?

And all these fucking gun owners out there who always go, I have my gun collection in case, uh, a tyrannical government tyrannies on my. Tyrannical tyrannies. What the fuck are you guys waiting for?

What are you waiting for? Are you gonna get organized? January 6, is that the best you got?

We have helmets and fucking ropes. Um. Here they go. Here they go. They're going for more.

They're going for more. What? Whatever the government wants. Eventually a corporation wants. Okay.

Hey, Bill. I just thought I'd write in to let you know I listened to your advice and stood my ground against getting my facial recognition set up for the new laptops that were being rolled out from my job. No way. The IT team were unsure whether you could turn off the facial recognition from the onset, so there's no initial scan needed. Which gives me the idea that a lot of people have just went along with it instead of questioning it, which is just sad if that's the case.

Long story short, I didn't have to leave my job and I was able to avoid the scan altogether. Yeah, because there's no law. They're just doing this. There's no law that says you have to do it. Now.

Enough people push back, then eventually there will be a law. We really have no fucking say. It's not a democracy. People have become so willing to sacrifice certain privileges, privileges in exchange for comfortability. So I'm glad I didn't compromise as it all worked out.

Well, in the end, your advice was a big help with this, and I really appreciate it. Much love to you and the family and go fuck yourself. That's good. See, that's the kind of standing your ground that we need, not this racist. Stand your ground.

You know, I felt threatened and you just used the laws so you can go out and go kill somebody who isn't white. Why don't we all fucking get together and fucking push back against this stuff, huh? Man. Sorry, I just woke up. I'm feeling righteous.

I have my gun collection in case the government becomes too tyrannical. And what are you gonna do with it?

Ah, just whatever. Keep your nose clean. I am waiting to rebel when they come up my driveway. Keep your nose clean. Hey, Bill.

Hey, Billy. No news this week. The senate passed on. Oh my God. Why?

Why are you guys doing this to me in the morning? This week, the senate passed on expansion to the spying powers and overriding of the fourth amendment to the constitution. Here's a quote about the provisions. I don't even know what the Fourth Amendment is. All I ever hear about is the first and the second.

The provision effectively grants the NSA access to the communications equipment of almost any us business, plus huge numbers of organizations and individuals. It's a gift to any president who may wish to spy on political enemies, journalists, ideological opponents. Yeah, they're. See, this is how you know they're gonna bypass your gun collection. The administration, you're gonna.

By the time you guys fucking get together and try and stop these fucking corporations, they're gonna know what you're doing. It as you're planning it. The administration and intelligence committee leaders buried senators in a morass of misleading and in some cases. What is morass? It has ass in it.

More ass of misleading and in some cases, flatly false statements. Throughout the week. I think of myself as a pretty jaded, and I was still generally shaken by how many lies I heard. One of the most dramatic and terrifying expansions of the government's surveillance authority in history. So if you're keeping score, we're funding three wars, stripping ourselves of basic human rights, and allowing our land to be bought by foreign governments with money they created out of thin air, too.

I stopped paying attention to the news ten years ago, but. But have a kid. Have had a kid since. And let's just say I'm also idling in third gear all day, thinking about how insane things are getting. I used to think it can't get much worse in our lives.

In our lives, and it wouldn't change. But between all these things and AI, it's going to be a completely different century. I'm not a nostalgic guy, so this isn't, I wish I was a kid again, thinking like, when people think it was better because they were home watching cartoons all day, not worrying about Iran Contra or whatever was going on, that's a great point. A lot of times, oh, my God, the nineties were the greatest decade. It's like, yeah, because you were in your teens or your twenties, you now the pressures of life, there was still a bunch of horrible shit going.

Any decade, you find. Anyway, the person says, by the way, for all the people that give you shit, calling you both sides bill, insufferable centrist. Do they say that? Both sides bill, insufferable centrist. See, well, that's what they do.

They name call because they can't refute the points that I'm making. They can't refute the point that whatever political party they lean on is just as fucking corrupt as the one that they think is causing all the fucking problems, that it's irrefutable. You can't fuck they if they fucking work for the same people. You know what, I do love the name calling. Like, whenever somebody makes a good point in a, in one of those threads on, like, Instagram, the other person be like, oh, these lib tards are getting awfully sensitive.

Looks like I pushed some buttons on some trumpers, and it's like, no, it looks like the Trump person or the fucking liberal made a point that you can't refute. So now you're just going to be like, oh, you're getting all sensitive now. Fucking morons. And I got to be honest, you, when I go on an Instagram thread or when I just kind of listen to some of these people at these fucking moron rallies, you're like, well, no wonder they want to take this level of control. Look at the level of fucking stupidity out there.

Look at bill. Now, I'm on the side of those. I'm not on those guys side. I draw a hard line on that. Fuck these people.

All right, plowing ahead and nuke in your comments section, every time you talk about rfk, please remember that this won with an equal amount of votes from both color ties. Love you and love the podcast. Yeah, exactly. They fucking paid him off. What is people's problems with rfK?

I don't understand it, but like, you know what I love about it is all they do is attack him. They won't talk about. I mean, let's in. I always say, let's just say RFK is the worst fucking person in the world. My question is, why isn't any, why isn't any conservative republican candidate or liberal fucking Democrat candidate talking about how a one corporation is buying up all the houses, one corporation's bought up the empire, all the pigs and all of that shit, and sold it to a company in China?

They're doing shit like that all the fucking time. Why aren't any of them talking about that stuff? None of that has to do with anti semitism or any of that. All of those fucking points that he's making. Why aren't any of them talking about that?

Because they're all fucking bought and paid for, you dumb cunts. Oh, I'm on my fucking freckled stump.

Corporate jargon and phrases. Yeah, what's happening to RFK is what happens. Anytime you go after the people that are actually behind the politicians do they immediately brand you like a fucking socialist, a communist and anti semite. They just tar and feather you and say that you're crazy and that you're a waste of a vote. But fucking voting for Hillary or Biden or Trump, this is the good fucking move, okay?

Corporate jargon and phrases. Beverly Hills bill. You know, I recently heard you talking about corporate jargon and other nonsensical terminologies that at the end of the day add nothing to value. Yeah, my favorite one that you guys sent in was bio break. I'm gonna go take a bio break.

That means I'm gonna go fucking hit the head, take a dump, shake my fucking whatever, whatever you call your dick. I blame the management consulting companies like Delawhite EY and KPMG. For the rise of this, however, the original source is investment and corporate banking. Your Wall street pals, they're commonly referred to as bankerisms. Well, what are they going to say?

What they're doing?

I saw. I walked by yesterday on the sidewalk. I literally saw a person in a tent with giant brown boxes on the outside, all taped together, freshly fucking homeless. It was fucking heartbreaking with all of their stuff. And then you're homeless for ten days, and you look like you've been out there for fucking ten years, and everybody just thinks you're a crazy homeless person.

And all of these fucking corporation guys get bonuses. They get bonuses by making people unemployed and possibly homeless. They get six figure, seven figure bonuses at the end of the day for putting people out on the fucking street. Is that centrist? Here are a few examples I thought you'd like.

Boil the ocean. Don't need to work hard for an easy result.

Low hanging fruit. Something too easy. Obvious. We use that in my business. That's when you have a hacky joke.

Are you going after something that everybody's making fun of? Smell test. Intuitive understanding or experience?

Talking slick to a barrel of oil that's trying to b's cutting a lawn with scissors, overworking an easy project. Squeaky wheel gets the grease. I mean, that's a common phrase right there. Three men make a tiger. If enough people believe in something, it can be.

It can. It can be true.

Oh, my God. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Three men make a tiger. If enough people believe something, it can be true. Jesus fucking Christ.

Can you imagine, like, wasting your life doing that? Learning how to, like, manipulate people just so you can have more money and stuff and then walk around with some botox fake titled whore?

It's. I don't know. I don't. I don't understand. They're fucking crazy people.

These phrases are commonly used during corporate earning, earning calls, boardroom presentations, or general projects at investment shops. If you want something, I bet the all of these people have some insane hobby. You got to have something to walk away from that. Please. Even these people know what the fuck they're doing.

Some sort of collection. If you want something funny to watch, I check out Lawrence Goncalves, Cleveland Cliff CEO earning calls when he berates Wall street analysis analyst sorry. Maybe someday your collar will be as white as your skin. A longtime podcast listener, I am actually not blue collar or white collar. I grew up in a blue collar town, but my parents were white collar.

But we a little financial difficulty there. So that's why I have, you know, I don't know, maybe that's why I'm all over the place with you fucking cunts. All right, corporate lingo. What up, Billy? Bandwidth.

Corporate banker cunt. Here, I built. I built foreclosure prevention programs. A couple of words here from the financial industry. Opportunity, a problem.

Oh, that means opportunity means there's a problem. Okay. Deliverable. Did I not eat breakfast today? My stomach is growling like a fucking son of a bitch.

I had my pafe deliverable document report or something which needs to be created or changed to solve the opportunity. Oh God, this is. I like how they have to talk around all of this shit because otherwise they'll be in the boardroom going like, all right, this is bullshit. But enough of, if enough of us say it's true, these people will think that it's true and then we can rob them. Well, you know, three men make a tiger and I think we can solve this opportunity.

Dude, they call a problem an opportunity. Oh my God. These fucking people, they need to be, they just need to be fucking. They need to be put down. That's what needs to happen.

All right, working session. A side meeting to work on the deliverable. Issue slash defect. We fucked up the deliverable and created a new opportunity.

What the fuck? My head is spinning. Hope all is well. I thought that was another saying. Meaning I'm going to try to fucking kill you by cutting your brake lines.

Hope all is well. Looking forward to seeing you in Winston Salem soon. Whoa, let's go back. Opportunity. Deliverable.

Working session.

That means you're going to work the weekend, a side meeting to work on the deliverable, which is a report to fix the fucking opportunity. But if you fuck up the deliverable, you have an issue or a defect and created a new opportunity.

What is that? When people realize you poured something into the fucking water supply. All right, that was more chilling than funny. All right, office talk. Oh, I think we got ourselves a hit topic here.

Office talk.

Hey, Billy cunt here. I like that one. Jesus Christ. Hey, Billy Cunhair. I'm an electrician in the great province of Alberta.

Oh, you guys are fucking animals up there. Now those people can drink. Specifically Calgary. I used to think Calgary was blue collar and Edmonton was white collar. And somebody goes, no, it's the other way around.

Edmonton's, they're more of a bunch of animals than Calgary. Which surprises me. Cause the first time I played Calgary, I was absolutely fucking astounded at the level of drinking that was going on. They were fucking hammered. I remember it was a concrete floor, and every, like, fucking ten minutes, you just hear a beer.

A beer bottle hit the floor and start rolling towards the front of the crowd, and everyone would just start laughing. All right. Okay, great. Province of Alberta. After listening to your previous podcast, I thought I might add to the office slang, but in a blue collar perspective, I love it.

All right. Cunt hair unit of measurement. Usually about an 8th of an inch. I use cunt hair for deflategate. That's why you lost by 35.

That's why you let up over 300 yards rushing. Okay. All right. Bang on. Oh, but.

Oh, tiny. Oh. It was my interpreter. Nothing to see here. Houston Astros.

Their first world series was complicated. Bang on. Perfect fitment or measurement. Playing guilty, showing up to work hungover. Oh, that's fantastic.

See, these are just fun.

Looks good from my house. Never a good thing to hear, but if you stand back far enough, it looks pretty. Okay.

That's fantastic. Oh, my God. I remember I told you a long time ago, I was hanging with patrice in front of Caroline's, and this woman was crossing the street. I said, oh, my God, look at her. She's a ten.

And she got a little closer, and Patrice went nine. And then I was like, eight. And then we just started laughing, and we were saying, she has, like, came up with. She has rocket launch good looks. That means that's when a woman is.

Look from a distance, looks like a ten, but as she walks, that girl's a ten. And as she comes towards you, it's nine eight, but you still get a number. All right. The infamous one day flu, aka the Philly flu. Some guys on the job site are notorious for having a one day flu when they know it's going to be a hard day or they do it on a Friday to get a three day weekend.

The Philly flu in hockey was you asked out of the lineup because of some phantom injury because you didn't want to drop the gloves against the broad street bullies back in the day. Don't forget your knee pads. Some kissing ass. They usually said when someone mentions going to talk to the boss. Okay.

Oh, that's fantastic. Looks good from my house. Playing guilty is fantastic. There's a few to keep the ball rolling. I also.

There's a few to keep the ball rolling. I also think you mentioned working a trade or two in your older podcast, so hopefully you could appreciate some of these gems.

Thanks for all the entertainment during my morning drives. Go fuck yourself and let's go oilers.

Bang. On. I always thought that was english cunt hair playing guilty. That one's fantastic. I'm trying to think what the fuck we used to.

All we used to do is just try to make each other laugh.

That's all I remember we did. We could do impressions of everybody in the carpeted area, and we would just create scenarios.

Yeah, that's all I remember. I don't remember, like, any expressions we had nicknames and stuff like that, dude. I mean, we're going back and this is like the fucking eighties. It's almost 40 years ago. Jesus Christ.

Almost. All right. Wife speak and corporate talk. Dear Billy the barista, I've enjoyed the show for years and wanted to come. Wanted to pass along more corporate speak and a typical text communication between my wife and I.

40 years marriage. The confusion never fails. The background is that I'm napping, parentheses have a cold. And she knows this when she leaves the house to go for a walk. It poured earlier, and it's been cloudy all day.

I woke up and see this text. 03:00 p.m. Text from wife. You up 310. My response just now, why?

I come downstairs to find she's gone and see it's pouring out. I see the sticky notes saying, she is out walking. So I respond, I'm in your car coming to look for you. I then open the garage door, and she's walking up the driveway like a drowned rat. I'm getting the look.

She's peered at. My slow response. I was supposed to translate you up to mean, come get me. I'm on Smith street and it's pouring. Anywho, I'm always quoting doctor Seuss Horton the elephant at her.

Say what you mean and mean what you say just to get her going.

Yeah, like, I don't. I don't understand any of that. I would, you know what? I would just. My lovely wife came walking up the driveway like that.

I would just laugh and be like, oh, grab a blanket or a towel or something.

That's hilarious. You up 310 just now. Why? No response? Oh, what a fucking baby.

Yeah, you know, what are you gonna do? It's just how they are. I fucking texted you at three.

Hey, you should have looked at the forecast on your smartphone there, sweetheart. Um, anyway, all right, game two is tonight, the Boston Bruins. Bum bada ba ba ba ba da da da da da da da. All the old heads know that one from the 1950s. 1950s, 50 fucking years ago.

We'll see if we go up two games to none.

I still don't. I still don't think I'm comfortable. We'd have to be up 30.

I just. I just can't see them doing this again this year. I just can't. I cannot fucking see it. And the people in Toronto.

Stop jinxing us. I'm not jinxing you. It's been almost 60 fucking years. 60 fucking years. You know what I love is no one says Toronto was cursed, right?

Everybody said that. Not everybody. That fucking hockey fans said that the New York Rangers were cursed. They went 54 years, and they were chanting 1940 at them. Starting in the eighties is how far back I remember them doing that.

It's amazing how, like, you know, just certain franchises get shit and other ones don't. So 54 years ago is 1970. Toronto hasn't won it since 1967.

They're 57 years in. They've gone three years longer than the Rangers, who had to end a curse. And no one is saying that they're cursed. And you know why that is? Because Toronto is the fucking media capital of Canada, and they're suppressing the story, and everybody forgets because you're so busy paying attention to your own team.

I will tell you what's amazing, is that somehow with the Toronto Maple Leafs not winning a cup for like, 50. What'd I just say? 57 years, Montreal. Canadian fans have still somehow maintained their irrational hatred for the Toronto Maple Leafs. It doesn't even make any sense.

They haven't done anything.

They've done nothing.

They haven't won since two years before we pretended to land on the moon. No, I'm not one of those guys. I'm one of those guys that has no idea whether we did or not. I'm not one of those people that goes on the Internet and figures shit out. Like, I saw this guy on Instagram.

I'm gonna fucking sneeze here, people. I'm gonna stare at the night.

Thank you.

I was on Instagram because I'm doing that again. And this fucking guy goes on there, said he spent 1500 hours on the Internet, and he figured out that bitcoin.

Bitcoin was this giant scam to crash the entire world's economy so that a very few amount of people could get all the money and the rest of us would be completely destitute.

And I'm just thinking, like, all right, that information is out there. Hey, I have a great idea. How about me and five of my friends tank the world's economy? Everybody's fighting and eating each other. Cannibalism and all of that shit, right?

Dying off, and we're going to keep all the money. That's what we're going to do. Okay. All right, great. Now let's, let's upload this information on the Internet.

So if somebody spends 1500 hours, they can find. If I spent 1500 on the hours on the Internet, like, I spent 1500 hours on the, everybody spent 1500 hours on the Internet. Like, what part of the Internet are you on? The truthful Internet.

That's how. Fuck. That's, that's the level of misinformation that's out there right now. I'm not saying that there isn't some sort of scam going on. I'm just saying that you as a layperson cannot even remotely figure out what the fuck is going on.

I love how they have all these top secret documents in these government buildings, but somehow if you go on the Internet, you can figure out what the fuck they're doing. All you're doing is you're listening to theories by people who are in different mindsets. Some people, former employees of the government, that's a pretty good source. But who knows? Maybe they're batshit crazy.

And here's my thing. If you're going to fucking do that, come up with a solution first rather than just telling me this shit, freaking me the fuck out, and then being like, all right, have a good day.

The worst one I saw was this guy, and he was doing it in a sing songy voice. He's like, your recyclables are not recycled. They're dumped in the ocean and it's going into the fish and you're all full of plastic. You're welcome. It's like, well, you're living on the same planet.

And also, none of that is new information. He took all this old shit, then he just fucking, he repurposed it like he just figured it all out. Like he was out there doing that shit with those little things that you stick in the water, those little tubes, and then you shake them and you look at the color. Yeah, it's turning red. This isn't good.

The plastic content of this section of the oceanographer. Fucking like you don't know what the fuck you're talking about either. Um, all right, this is just an um. This is just getting me going, all right? I've done a lot of good things in March, and I undid them in April, and I'm going to turn it around in May.

That's how it's going. So anyway, that is the podcast, everybody. Game two. Boston Bruins tonight, tonight, tonight. Obviously pulling for the bruins if they'll leave speed us.

Then I'm rooting for them the rest of the way, because how long is that fan base supposed to suffer? And number two, evidently it pisses off canadian fans. I mean, I get if you're a canadian fan and you're fucking in your seventies and you realize how old you have to be to remember the last fucking Maple Leafs. Like, I'd say you have to be at least eight years old, plus 57 years. 65.

Can you imagine that? And you got your little fucking Stanley cup championship shirt, and then you go eight to 18. Ah, you know, they had a little bit of a drought. 28. Fuck's going on?

384-858-5960 616-263-6465 still not called curse. That's like an east coast thing. East coast people are fucking mean when it comes to shit like that, you know? Look at the Chicago Cubs. When was the last time, you know, before they won it?

The last time. What was the year when they won it before? Nobody knows. I don't even know. It was 19.

Oh, something.

No one was chanting 1907 or 1908, whatever the fuck it was. Nobody was doing that then. You go out there and the people out there are no more nicer. They're pleasant. I would say people in the midwest, they're pleasant.

They have a more pleasant demeanor about them, but they're not nice.

All right, I don't know what I'm doing right now. I gotta. I gotta fucking get on with my day. Thank you so much for listening to the podcast. God blessed all of you.

Thank you for going on the Internet and figuring out what is going on in the world. You know, you'd figure if you spent 1500 hours figuring that out, you could spend another fucking 600 hours and come up with a solution. All right, go fuck yourselves. I'll check in on you on Thursday.

Monday Morning Podcast 4-22-24

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1: Opening Remarks

2: Family and Parenting

3: Cultural Critiques

4: Sports Commentary

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