Merlin: The Return LIVE!

Paul Scheer
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I mean, we don't really know exactly, but we do know that we saw Merlin the return. So you know what that means.

How is this gonna be our fool?

Jason Mantzoukas
What's up, jerks? That's right, London, here we go. Hello, people of dumbo. J man, big Paul in the beautiful June gonna take us in the gold. All the way to the room thunder pants.

I've got a lot to say. I took notes. I'm not. Okay. People of Gauntlet Bell.

June Diane Raphael
Fat things for farce, eat em all. Rupert Griffin changed. His name's so upset. I hate this. That's my ugly truth.

Jason Mantzoukas
This place is full of bees. Here's a real question for you. How did this kid hit me? Get this guy out of here. Hello, people of earth, and hello, people of Belfast.

Paul Scheer
Merlin is back. Oh, yeah, that's right. King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table in present day UK. But guess what? What are they gonna do?

Nothing. Run. Hide. This is a movie that primarily takes place in the woods. This is a movie that, according to the research I did, cost 20,000 pounds.

This is a movie and maybe the most shocking fact that came out in 2000. If you told me 1987, I would have been like, yes, that makes sense. But no, this came out in 2000. Oh, my God. We are going to break it all down.

So whether you are Team Merlin or Team Mordred, we will get to the bottom of it all. But first, let me introduce to you my co host, Mister Jason Manzoukas.

Jason Mantzoukas
What's up, jerks?

How's it going, Belfast? That's right. Don't worry. I asked, they said, I cannot play the organ back there. I said, does it work?

They said, not for you, not cool. You can't have a big giant organ. Can everybody see the big giant organization? It's big and I want to play it so bad.

Paul Scheer
Jason Merlin, the return.

Jason Mantzoukas
Is it a movie? Good question. I genuinely feel like I fell asleep in the first five minutes and the rest of it was a fever dream because multiple times I was like, don't know what's going on. This is a movie that reminded me of when I was a child and I was at my grandparents house and they didn't have cable and you were forced to watch whatever was on. And I was like, yep, I guess I'm watching this.

Paul Scheer
No, I wanted it to have commercials just to give me a break from the actual movie. Well, it's a. What a fake out. What a fake out. Because I'm like, is this a kids movie?

Jason Mantzoukas
Because if it is, it has way more incest than I'm comfortable with. And the f. Go ahead. Go ahead. I've got a lot to say.

I'm just pulling my notes out. I took notes. You know it's bad when all of my notes are just questions that are. That are unanswered. Who is this person?

Why are they here? What does this mean? Why is Tia Carrera even doing this? What is anyone's plan? It took me three quarters of the way through the movie to realize that never once are we back in arthurian time.

Paul Scheer
Nope. Just an alternate direction with very bad set decoration. Now, there is one other thing that we need to get into, and that is hair. And we have an expert on hair and so many other things. My other co host, June Diane Rapio.

June Diane Raphael
Oh, my word. How are you, June? I'm not okay now. I told Jason backstage I lost my notebook with all my notes. I know.

Jason Mantzoukas
Will I be? Nope. Don't think it will. Wait, that happened in between here and the hotel? Yeah.

Paul Scheer
Wow. We went out to dinner. We went out to dinner. I think it was like, we've uncovered the code. Well, so I'm going off the dome tonight just on feelings and instincts.

I think you'll do fine. I think I'll do just fine. But I will say we flew here this morning, and we flew. I sat next to a couple who's coming to the show tonight, and I always feel insane watching these movies on the plane. And I was so relieved to just sit in peace and watch Merlin.

June Diane Raphael
Well, you know, they saw me taking notes. I was gonna say, they've got your notebook. What? There's no doubt in my mind those tweets stole your notebook. I just wanna say it again to get both of your reactions.

Paul Scheer
The year this movie was made was 2000. Respectfully, no. Yeah. With all. Actually, disrespectfully.

Jason Mantzoukas
No. 87, yes. But 2000, no. Maybe that's like a video release or something. This movie was shot in 1982.

Paul Scheer
I was looking so deeply going, look, there must have been some mistake. But no, because I believe that the director of this is a fan of Mike Myers, and I'm gonna get into my spirit. Mike Myers. Oh, Mike Myers. I'm sorry, because Tia Carrere is in this Jews and Wayne's world.

And at one point, Mordred does the doctor evil Pinky to the lip and goes, my evil plan. And I was like, is that in earnest, or was he directed to do that? And I really did believe. I was like, well, to be fair, he also tells someone to put a sock in it. I think not.

Jason Mantzoukas
I can't imagine that's a phrase from Mordred's time. I mean, he has sock in it. He has been living in the. That sounds like something Fonzie says. Look, he's been there for 15 years.

June Diane Raphael
You said this in the intro. And I also. I'm disputing the fact that this was made in 2000. And also I'm disputing the idea that we weren't at one point in flashbacks. Well, I don't think they had the budget.

So you're saying that all of this movie, from tip to tail, took place in the same time period? No, thank you. There was one flashback. I'm so sorry. It takes place in modernity and then an alternate dimension where all of Mordred, Lancelot and Guinevere have been for 1500 years.

Jason Mantzoukas
That's too long. But so long. You know how many times Lancelot and Guinevere are fucking for? 1500, by the way? They're ageless.

June Diane Raphael
To me, though, that was the most interesting part of the movie, was that. That they fell out of love with each other. It's like this can't. This love does not stand the test of time. I don't think that love should stand the test of 1500 years.

You don't think that? You don't think you'd love me after 1500 years? 1350. And then. And then after that, I think we go our separate ways.

Paul Scheer
We've done it all. We've done it all. But by the way, what is there to do in Mordred's dimension? It's just a cave with, I guess, a kitchen. Because at what point they barrel into a kitchen where people are eating bread.

Where are they getting that bread? Here's that. Okay, so that was my big question. In that dimension where they've been for 1500 years, Mordred's also done this to himself. Cause it doesn't seem like he can leave either.

June Diane Raphael
So he has imprisoned them and they don't see any daylight, but neither does he. Correct. No, I think they've all been imprisoned there. By Merlin? Yes, Merlin can.

I'm sorry. Yes. No, no, no. Yes, yes. By Merlin.

Jason Mantzoukas
Correct. But. Okay, so Merlin is not there. So who put Mordred there? Merlin.

So, upon your. Okay, I'm sorry. One flash. So sorry. There was one flashback to the inciting incident in which Mordred and Merlin are fighting at.

June Diane Raphael
So I hate this. Mordred and I. Boy, do I wish I was insane. Mordred and Merlin were fighting at Stonehenge. I'm 51.

Jason Mantzoukas
I will also want to be saying these words. Yeah, I will. I will also say that when I was watching that fight at Stonehenge, the only flashback in the film, which comes about 30 minutes into the film, because at that point, the film doesn't make sense. And then they go, hey, let's explain why it doesn't make sense here. Instead of starting the movie with that.

I would argue the movie never makes sense. I would never make it. Nor is it really interesting in giving us any exposition to help it make sense, because every component is as if it's from a different movie. The kids are in their movie. Remember Kate and Richie?

June Diane Raphael
Of course I do. Okay. Can I ask you a question, June? I have a real question. Please, please, please.

Jason Mantzoukas
And he's right here on the back here. Does this character who plays Merlin seem familiar to you at all? Don't say it. Don't say it. Don't say it.

June Diane Raphael
Yeah. All right. Everybody be cool. The whole movie. Everybody be cool.

Jason Mantzoukas
Because I'm gonna give you a hint. This person has been in a movie we've done before, and in my open. I didn't give a very big hint. No. No.

Paul Scheer
Who is it? That's.

Jason Mantzoukas
That's Rick Mayall. Drop down. Absolute legend. It's Fred. That's Fred.

Paul Scheer
That's Fred. That's Fred. That's Fred. That's Fred.

Jason Mantzoukas
You watched the whole movie with Fred in it and you didn't even know. That'S how bad the movie is. Okay. But I have to say, he was the best part of the movie. Of course he's ripped me off.

June Diane Raphael
I swear, I would have said that anyway. Of course. I would have said that anyway. He's a fucking genius. He is a genius.

I cannot believe I didn't recognize him. I did. There was something familiar about him and. But I finished the movie and I wanted to erase it from my mind so I didn't investigate further. I'm shocked that I really.

This is gonna take me a second. Absolutely stunned right now. The movie should have been Merlin and the kids versus everyone. That's the only way the movie works as a movie. Right?

Jason Mantzoukas
Don't give me a smattering of applause, Belfast. I'm not looking for your approval, assholes. I'm telling you facts. But idiots. Merlin should also have a problem.

Paul Scheer
He doesn't. There is like. This is the problem with the movie, right? They have this big battle at Stonehenge. Do you want me to read the crawl at the beginning?

Well, yeah, let's pull it up right here, actually. Do we have it? We do. Okay. So I think I'm gonna count down from three, and then everybody read it together.

Jason Mantzoukas
Okay? This is the pace. Done. Bye bye. Okay.

Three, two, one. In ancient times, the mighty army of. The evil sorcerer Mordred brought the legendary king Arthur and his knights to their knees. Lancelot's love for Arthur's wife, Queen Guinevere, proved fatal. Not cool, bro.

June Diane Raphael
In desperation, Merlin the wizard used his immense power to. To banish Mordred to the Netherworld and to consign Arthur and his knights to. A long, dark sleep, waiting for the. Moment that Mordred should attempt his escape. It actually explains quite a bit.

Paul Scheer
Well, wait, but reading it now, I. Have to admit, it explains quite a bit.

Jason Mantzoukas
A lot of my questions answered. But this is the problem with the film. When I read that three times at the start of the film, I was looking for answers that I couldn't find, because it's so much information, like this one idea here, where it says, lancelot's love for Arthur's wife, Queen Guinevere, proved fatal. But she's alive. No.

June Diane Raphael
To the kingdom. Fatal through the kingdom. I think. I think Fatal to whoever wrote this. They think.

Jason Mantzoukas
They think she's dead. So they think they're dead. Okay, so I don't know. No, but didn't Arthur. Okay, now I'm gonna go back to Camelot.

Great. Didn't Arthur lose? Wasn't the entire kingdom threatened because of this affair? Yes. Okay.

June Diane Raphael
I think that's what fatal means. Proves fatal. That seems like the wrong word choice. Like you could have said, brought Camelot to its knees. Not like proved fatal means someone died.

Jason Mantzoukas
Fatal to the monarchy, fatal to Camelot. Right. Or something. Let's not interrogate it too much, because let's be honest, this is a fucking disaster. All we need to know is.

Paul Scheer
All we need to know is this. Mordred and King Arthur were battling, and through a magical accident, one gets sucked in the netherworld. And we know that Lancelot and Guinevere also get stuck there. And then we could say, oh, they fell in love in the meantime. And to my understanding.

Jason Mantzoukas
Okay, so Lancelot, Guinevere, Mordred, and the forces of evil get sucked into the other dimension. Yes. King Arthur, the knights of the Round Table, they get put to sleep. They all go to sleep. Well, because Merlin.

Paul Scheer
Merlin puts him to sleep. Yes. Where? Where are they asleep? The woods.

Jason Mantzoukas
And then Merlin. Check this out. Merlin then lives for 1500 years on earth. Right. And never gets contemporary clothing.

Never. That's my. Yes. That's exactly what I was gonna say. Thank you.

He never gets. He goes undercover with a lab coat over Merlin's robes. You know what? Who's making these robes? Here's the thing.

June Diane Raphael
Here's the thing about Merlin. My favorite scene was when he was. My favorite scene was when he was looking through his robes. But the thing about Merlin and this performance, by the way, is that he's the type of guy who dresses like that. And you don't question it.

Jason Mantzoukas
No. Like he wants you to ask questions. He's like a guy walking around with a parrot on his shoulder. Absolutely. I don't want to talk about it.

June Diane Raphael
Absolutely. And you don't want to give him the satisfaction of asking him why he's wearing, like, a rope belt. And as you just move along as. A doctor, as a scientist, a doctor walking around. No.

Jason Mantzoukas
Hey, man, you work here, right? What's up with the robes? But the problem is he's in a town that seemingly has three residents. Yeah, right. The woman who runs the convenience store.

Paul Scheer
That woman's sister whose husband died. Yes. Who's a new patron. And then I guess down the road a little bit. Is the psychic the medium with kate's birthday.

June Diane Raphael
Okay. If I could see an entire movie about a medium mom and a daughter. And a young daughter, to me, that's a medium mom. A medium mom. I thought she was pretty great.

Medium mom. I don't think she's just medium. Medium mom and pint sized girl. I would watch that movie. Texas Pete.

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June Diane Raphael
So Richie comes to this town because his father died and his mom. Nobody is fool about at all. Everybody's like, get over it and all. Richie, he died. He's not.

Jason Mantzoukas
He didn't take off to Hawaii. What? Richie never takes off his leather jacket, even during sleep. I love Richie. And I was obsessed with his mom because later on in the movie, I honestly have never seen this done in a movie where Richie is in the big scene in the scientist's lab, Richie's mom is being held hostage.

June Diane Raphael
And in every other movie. And that's why some things about this movie I'm gonna tell you are advanced. There is a reading of this movie. There are moments in it where I'm like, God damn it, I have never seen anything like this. Mom comes in restrained in her nightgown and instead of saying like, Richie, run.

Get out of here. Get out of here. She goes, help me. Help. Repeatedly, repeatedly calls to her eleven year old son to come help her.

I've just never seen anything like that so much. Take him away. That kid should be raised by Merlin. So much so that like Richie is like, I gotta kill Merlin. Like he's ready.

Jason Mantzoukas
I think Mordred's mom is cooler and they fuck. Okay. There's a point in the movie where he's calling her mother, mother, mother. Then they have a passionate make out. Very upsetting.

Paul Scheer
I would just show. Can I just show Mordred trolling Richie? That's clip six. Mordred. Really?

This is why I was saying like, he kind of is really doing his doctor evil here. This is Craig Schaefer from a river runs through it. Wow. I'm so sorry. Did nobody know that this is american Hector?

Jason Mantzoukas
Craig Shaffer. I would love to teach you about. Never arriving to time.

That's a joke. Richie. My God. Don't you get anything? Time?

Never.

Paul Scheer
I don't get it.

Mom. Mom, look at your face. Now, shall I have her killed? No. Let her go.

Jason Mantzoukas
Please help me. Please. Richie. Richie, help me. Please let her go.

Your mother's life belongs to me now.

June Diane Raphael
What do you want us to do? It's very simple really. There is the doctor evil. What is that? That's insane, dude.

Jason Mantzoukas
Also, this is the scene where I wrote, how does he know his name is Richie? Mordred, I believe has never laid eyes on this kid yet. Also, where did the machete come from all of a sudden? That security guard has a machete that. Looks like it was security guard at.

A security guard at a science facility. There's a cat out in the middle of the jungle that he chopped his way through. He's at a. He's at a portal facility. This science facility is badly operated because at a certain point there are four scientists working in the lab.

Paul Scheer
Merlin comes in and no one pays him any. Mine. No, because he's got glasses on and. A lab coat over his robes, except out of the sleeves are cascading, I'm gonna say four to 5ft of straps and ribbons or whatever parts of his robes. I couldn't make heads or tails out of it.

Jason Mantzoukas
Also, real question, and I mean this, why is Tia Carrera helping Mordred? Why? It's a plan that we are not privy to. We're not privy to. But actually, first of all, I think Tia is amazing in this movie.

Fantastic. She's fantastic in this. Lover is a blonde. She's always great. She really is.

June Diane Raphael
That's what. So at the end of the movie, when she's relegated to a lifetime of being raped by that guy, whoever, whatever. His name is, was. I wrote that down too. Sir.

Jason Mantzoukas
Is that Sir Gawain? Yes, Galwin. Sir Galwyn tells her, don't worry, we're. Going to have lots of fun. Basically, the final line of the movie is you're going to be raped for eternity.

June Diane Raphael
Get with it, but. Get with it. But after a couple thousand years, you might come to love me. And again, I want to. Who knows?

Jason Mantzoukas
I want to suggest that this movie, I believe its intended audience is children. I know, but here's the thing about Tia and what she want, her character wants in the movie. Because a few times I thought, let's hear her out. Let's hear out what she wants to do with this piece of technology she's building or science. Like, we don't even get to understand.

June Diane Raphael
It's clearly what her plan is. Incredible. She has created portals to a different. Dimension through a helmet that is under armed security, but that she can just take out for a ride at any given point, multiple times in a day. It seems like she goes to that psychic twice in one day.

Jason Mantzoukas
I wish we could have seen the scene where it occurs to her to bring the helmet to a medium. Right? Like, what? My. Huh?

Yeah, I wonder. She's driving by immediately. Like, she also puts it in a giant shoebox. And I think the medium at a certain point be like, hey, you should stop coming to me. Because if every time you come to me you say it doesn't work, then I think we're done here.

Like, follow up question, what's the helmet you keep putting behind me? I also. The opening scene of this movie, I reround this so many times because the medium has a pint sized daughter and the pint sized daughter, she's like, I. Wrote, oh, there's a blossom in this movie. She's so sweet.

You're wearing a big blossom. Hat. At one point, well, blossom comes in and the psychic says, oh, say hello to Tia Carrera. And she goes, you know, how are you doing? She's like, fine, thank you.

Paul Scheer
And the mom's like, how rude, my rude daughter. She said, fine, thank you. And I was like, is that like a british thing? I don't know. It's like, is fine, thank you.

Like, fuck you, asshole. But it was like, I also had an issue with the ghost skeletons, because the ghost skeletons were ghosts, but yet they snuck around like they would be like, is it the whole thing of being a ghost that you can't be seen? And at points, they were looking back at each other and going. Like a. SWAT team I've never seen again.

June Diane Raphael
There. There are choices in this movie that are so shocking that I had to tip my hat to. Oh, yeah. Like when King Arthur and his men attack a semi truck. Oh, my God.

Okay. I was like, king Arthur. These fucking idiots. I don't know if it's King Arthur, one of the knights, but when. When one of them started taking a sword and jamming it into the front vent or whatever that was over and over again, I laughed so hard.

Jason Mantzoukas
It was very funny. And by the way, very funny. The guy deals with this like. Like it happening. Like it happens all the time unfazed.

Like, how is your route attacked by ancient bandits again?

Paul Scheer
My favorite thing, too, is they bring back King Arthur, who has woken up from a slumber, and they put him in Merlin's apartment. It's a whole new world to King Arthur. He could look at anything and be amazed by it. It's 2000. Cell phones, computers, anything.

He picks up a banana. What is this inferno device? And eats it sideways with the peel on. And then, like, you had bananas. Bananas are not the thing.

Like, banana is the only thing that you should recognize. Yes. Fruit. Fruit should be universal. Yes.

That room. So many things. This. The truck should blow his mind. The cars should blow it.

Jason Mantzoukas
Nope. Banana. Banana. That's the whole movie. Is that choice again?

It makes me feel like it's for kids. You know, like, that's a joke that kids would be like, oh, my God, this idiot. I also thought, by the way, my seatmates brought this up, but Merlin, you talk to them? Yeah, of course. Don't do that.

Don't encourage them. Don't encourage them to talk to us. But they asked, is this a sequel? And they kept on trying to figure out if it was a sequel. And I did say, well, yeah.

June Diane Raphael
Where is Merlin returning from? Especially now, knowing that he has been. Here well, for a long time is like all of them went to sleep and now it's their return. No, but Merlin didn't go to sleep. But Merlin didn't.

He's been up. Merlin's been here the whole, it's like. Merlin Colon the return. Like it's like. So that leads to June's question.

Jason Mantzoukas
Is there a Merlin? Yeah, Merlin Colon goes to Gregg's.

Paul Scheer
You know, like there could be like one of the, I mean, but I feel like he is, like he is again, he has all of his powers. Do you think Merlin is with the medium? Do you think Merlin and the medium are a couple. Real question, first of all, I can't believe Merlin's Fred. So that's so, you know, he fucked.

June Diane Raphael
So, so that's everything I thought about him is different now. I mean, it seems like they would get together like they'd be in the. Why wouldn't they? Who else are they talking to? Although the little girl has to apologize to Merlin Midway because she thought he was working for the bad guys, but she just found out there were bad guys when she saw her mom possessed by the green goo.

Jason Mantzoukas
And immediately Kate and Richie were like, we gotta get in this woman's trunk and go wherever she's going. And by the way, I don't want. To fight the forces of evil with a fire hose. And oddly, the son comes home way late. Like that kid left at two in the afternoon and is back at 1030 at night.

In the morning, everybody's like, hey, Jeffon.

Paul Scheer
I want to go back to Tia Carrera for 1 second. Because when she is doing the big scientific project, they go, why don't you just kill Merlin? And she's like, I am not a murderer. But yet she is bringing back, like a sociopath who is ready to kill because that was the thing. What is the plan?

What's going on? I don't really know what she wanted to do with him. I don't know the rules of any of it. One thing I did appreciate about that science lab is their ability to pop up wherever, whenever they pop up that. Lab, it's like a good burger joint.

Jason Mantzoukas
It's like, oh, my God, it's in a truck over here. Oh, it said, oh, did you hear the burgers? They're at Stonehenge this weekend. Okay, I, when I saw Stonehenge in this movie, I was like, that looks weird to me. And then I googled Stonehenge.

Paul Scheer
They're not in the same formation. Those rocks are different. Well, I think that these rocks are different because they were damaged by the spirit spell at the beginning, which in our reality. Wait, is this based on fact?

Jason Mantzoukas
Am I just now finding out that. All of this happened is the final battle of King Arthur and Mordred at Stonehenge? No. Somebody said yes. So positively in the front, and a crowd said, no, no.

Paul Scheer
Do we have enough? Do we know? Do we have. Can I get house lights for a brief second? Is there an arthurian scholar in the house?

Jason Mantzoukas
Don't point at someone. Let them volunteer themselves. Because my guess, asshole, is she doesn't want to talk. Otherwise she'd raise her own hand. I don't want to put.

Paul Scheer
I don't want to put the pressure on you, but can you tell us just briefly, like, what this movie gets wrong? What it gets right? Just kind of like. Yeah, not all. Just a dissertation on this.

All right, I'm gonna hold the mic, though. I have to hold the mic. So I work at Stonehenge, and I can tell you categorically that's not Stonehenge. Yeah. Right.

It's different. Well, I knew that wasn't Stonehenge. Yeah. Fucking cool.

So it's not stone. It's not Stonehenge. Right. It's like the rocks are in a different formation and there's not even a legend that King Arthur had a battle there. No.

June Diane Raphael
Depends on what you read in terms of mythology, but not really, no. Okay. All right, well, I want to know what you. There's more. Can you.

Paul Scheer
Does anyone else have any more? Can you also. Can you answer, if so, isn't Mordred's Arthur's illegitimate son? Can anyone answer that? Oh, yes.

Okay. So from what I recall, Arthur had an affair with Morgan le Fay. And then who was his sister? Half sister. And then they had a kid who was called Mordred.

June Diane Raphael
So Mordred's mom, by the way, this is amazing. How do you know this?

Paul Scheer
Because I fucking read, that's what. Wait, are you guys together? Yeah, we're married. You're married and you're just now finding out? He has a lot of information.

Jason Mantzoukas
Do you want to get divorced right now? Well, you have research. All right, so King Arthur is here. Here we go. Come up here.

Paul Scheer
Let everyone see you. King Arthur. He's back. Welcome, King Arthur. All right, so tell me what you know, what you know, that you need to tell us about this, some facts.

June Diane Raphael
Is that Morgana is the older half sister of King Arthur. Okay, so Mordred's mom. Yeah. So that's the hot goss. That's the hot goss.

All right. So Mordred's mom. All right, go back to your seat. All right. Give it up for King Arthur.

Thank you. King Arthur.

Paul Scheer
We're getting. Thank you. We're getting very specific but brief. Brief. We need a Morgan from dungeons and dragons.

June Diane Raphael
Interesting. This is interesting. Cause I knew Mordred was his illegitimate son. You did? I did know that.

Jason Mantzoukas
From Legend or from the movie? From legend. Oh, okay, okay, okay. I thought I missed it in the movie. No, it's not in the movie, but I didn't realize.

June Diane Raphael
What I didn't know is that Mordred's mom was his half sister. So it's a family affair. Well, I guess it's just the word illegitimate. I mean, it's illegitimate in so many ways. It's wrong in so many ways.

Jason Mantzoukas
But what's so interesting, then, is so Mordred's mom and so. Wow. Okay, so Mordred is the one who outs the affair between Guinevere and Lancelot. Right. Let me ask you a question about that before we get off on this too much.

Paul Scheer
What did you think of her braids? Well, Paul, I'm so glad you asked.

June Diane Raphael
So, at first I thought they were braids, and I was very upset. I thought they might be dreadlocks, and I was chilled. Chilled to the bone. They are neither. What are they?

They are. And I don't know the term for them. They are just a very, very tight curl. Yes. Long, tight, singular curls.

Jason Mantzoukas
Spirals. Tight little spirals. Spirals that you could put a number two pencil through it all. Stay. Oh, that's where you hide your pencils in your joints.

Paul Scheer
Now, I will say I was disturbed by her chain mail, which showed her chest, which would defeat the purpose of chain mail. Yep. Well, I. And also, I just remember her as being such a beautiful, like, figure in this story. Well, you have to do your hair in the netherworld, June, for 1500 years.

She has one curling iron. I guess I just wanted to say, take your fingers and brush it out. Pull it out. It was really awesome. Honestly, I felt like the director hates this woman.

Jason Mantzoukas
Yes. And this is his way of taking something out on her. There she and Lancelot are in the netherworld with Mordred and the forces of evil. Right? Yeah.

They are given not only free reign to go anywhere and do anything, Lancelot is allowed to have a sword. They what? What? It's like a white collar prison? Yeah.

June Diane Raphael
It's like where Bernie Madoff was. Like, they're. I could. They're in prison. He keeps fighting guys with a sword and at some point, mustn't somebody be like, hey, take that fucking guy's sword away.

Jason Mantzoukas
Or, hey, why don't we chain these two up? Do they also go down a sewer? Oh, yeah. Cause they would have a water slide. They.

For sure. Water slide. A sewer. But that is like pissing shit slide. Oh, they would.

Arthur and Lancelot would have pink eye for the rest of the movie. I mean, that water thing, that water slide, I was so shocked by it, because after seeing the whole movie, I look back on the water slide, and I'm like, they spent all of their money on the water slide. Like, there's no other sets. There's no other. That was it.

June Diane Raphael
The water slide for a kids movie. I'm like, okay, yeah, of course there's a water slide in a kids movie. Do the kids get near it? Absolutely not. Also, that's where all your money goes.

Paul Scheer
You use that up in the first act. Like, I mean, they didn't. They don't go down that water slide at the end. Like, the. The movie, like, starts to lose money exponentially as it goes on.

June Diane Raphael
That's why we had to pop up our science lab at Stonehenge. Tia Carrere is writing credits on pieces of paper and just throwing them in front of the camera at the end. Like, what? Again? What does she want?

Jason Mantzoukas
What? What could she want? She's done it. She's in. Invented portal technology.

Paul Scheer
But just to the netherworld, don't minimize her achievements. I'm just saying, Paul, you know what? I think that's pretty fucking good. And I don't appreciate you trying to minimize her achievement. She's created a goddamn portal to the motherfucking netherworld.

Jason Mantzoukas
And you're like, no big deal. Anybody could have done that. But, I mean, if you have a hose, you can pretty much close it. Yeah, okay. Yes.

June Diane Raphael
Okay, so let's talk about the hose in the science lab. So it. What's in there, first of all, is that water gotta be the hose. I know, but, Paul, adult people, like, eight adults are taken out by a garden hose, powerless. Like a tiny stream of water taken out.

Paul Scheer
Let me tell you that. I work with an animal trainer on a tv show, and he was talking about working with, like, orangutans. And he was like, you know, once an orangutan gets a grip on you and they're not gonna let go. That's terrible. And the only way that you can get them off is if you spray them with water, like, in the face from a hose.

He's like, we always have to have a hose ready to fucking spray them in the face. But these are human adults, Pa. Yeah. But then when you want to close another world, it works. Hoses work 90% of the time on any problem.

Depressed, use a hose. Whatever your problem is. The kids. When the kids are faith, the kids conquer both scientific portal technology and magic with a hose. Like, I want to be clear, this movie has tons of magic being used.

Jason Mantzoukas
Magic with staffs, with hands, with foreheads. With little, like, tasers. Taser magic. There's a ton of genuine motherfucking magic in this movie. Plus science.

And all it takes is two kids with a hose for everybody to be like, we don't know. We're done. Game over. They got us. Oh, my gosh.

Paul Scheer
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At the end of the movie, there's a big fight and someone gets hit with a sword. It's when King Arthur throws the sword at Mordred. Excalibur. Excalibur at Mordred. Boom.

It goes in him. They cut to that, mom, and she goes, ugh.

It was the best because it felt real. It felt like, yeah, you'd be like, ooh. Again, there are moments. I don't know if we have this clip, but we don't. I should have asked for it before, but there is a shot of Aunt Ann.

June Diane Raphael
And Aunt Ann had a very distressing haircut. She. When I found out they were sisters and not mother and daughter. Oh, you didn't know that? That was.

Jason Mantzoukas
Lost my mind. Or actually, I don't know if it was her aunt. No, you're right. It was her older sister. That's.

Or her aunt. It would have made sense that generationally. It did add up. Yeah. It was like the parents took a real break.

June Diane Raphael
Yes, real break. She was surprised. Or just working in the country ages you. That's possible, too, working at that sundry store. Yeah, she's working like at a gas station.

Paul Scheer
So all those petrol fumes, you know, come in. Well, there's a shot, though, of Aunt Anne. Cause she's also possessed by the skeleton ghosts. And there is a shot where she's standing behind Richie in the science lab where she's possessed. That is genuinely one of the most terrifying I've ever seen in all my days.

June Diane Raphael
It's so real. It took my breath away. So there are glimpses, there are portals in this movie where I'm like, I want to see that movie. I want to see Aunt Anne possess. Yes.

You know, and what she did during that time. But the movie that I did see, I didn't like, you know.

Jason Mantzoukas
The moment where Mordred, when they've got them all, they've captured everybody. And Mordred's like, hey, Richie, I'm gonna kill your mom. And that's when she says, help me, Richie. And instead of being a fucking adult about it and being like, run. Get out of here.

And he's like, you've got to kill Merlin. And she's like, you better kill Merlin. This is some real Voldemort, Draco Malfoy shit right here. This is some real. I believe JK Rowling watched this movie and was like, I got it.

I'm gonna do this one better. All right, I'm gonna go to the audience here for questions. Don't worry, King Arthur, I'll get to you. I'm gonna. I'm gonna cap off the end of this with you.

Paul Scheer
All right, so you have a question? Okay. What's your name? Cahill. All right, and what's your question?

Jason Mantzoukas
How come Lancelot sacrifices himself over and. Over again, but it's fine. Yeah, just because nobody dies in the movie. They couldn't afford to have another person in the movie. No, I feel like in a kid's movie way, nobody really dies except the bad guy.

Paul Scheer
I think that they are all immortal. I mean, he's lived for 1500 years, right? So I feel like when he comes to earth at the end, oh, no, then that wouldn't make sense. But he says he's gonna stay behind, so maybe he'll live a mortal life now going forward. But then he would have gotten killed, though, when he had the battle on earth.

Jason Mantzoukas
I don't remember. Frankly, I don't care. And, sir, sir, you shouldn't care either. All right, your name and your question. Think about it.

If your hand is raised, think about it like, do you care about the answer? Your name? What do you need to hear? All right, your name. Carl.

Paul Scheer
Carl, what's your question? June mentioned this might be a sequel to something. So if you were to replace one of the kids with Phoebe Cates, could this be pitched as a sequel to Drop Dead Fred? Ooh, great question. Did Merlin even exist?

Was this just a way for a boy and a girl to hide away and maybe find each other? Are all of these characters the imaginary friends of Kate and Richie? I'd love it. All right, your name? Roz.

And your question? I just wanted to say that most of the questions could have been answered. Here with your ma. Most of the questions could be answered with your ma. Yeah.

So why. Why does Lancelot not die? Your ma? What's Tia Carrera's plan? Your master.

Jason Mantzoukas
You're dangerously close to a t shirt right here. What year was this maiden? Your mom? All right. Yes.

Paul Scheer
Your name? Matt. And your question? So, at the end of the film. Guinevere gives the kids her wedding ring.

And, like, kind of winks at them suggestively. Do you think they get married and or divorced? Yeah, I didn't like that. You know, Richie gets. Richie gets knighted, and Kate gets a wedding ring.

June Diane Raphael
And it was very distressing. I also though. But what I did like about that moment is that she was very clear. Like, I'm going to go back with Arthur as a queen. And here's my wedding ring.

It was like, oh, wow, this is an interesting take on marriage. Like, I'm taking the title. They're. But none of them, they're sure open. They are not a responsibility.

Jason Mantzoukas
They are now Bali, and this ring ain't no thing. At the very end, I was gonna say, just to piggyback on the end is sorry before, when the ring gets done and the kid gets knighted. I'm pretty sure this is right when King Arthur says, we're gonna go back to the other dimension, he says, besides, there's a whole new dimension out there to conquer. Yeah, don't love it, my guy. I don't love it.

Like, be cool, bro. He's basically a Mordred. Everybody's a villain. Everybody's like, got to conquer, must take control. And then he just turns to the kid and is like, Neil didn't love that either.

From my guy, Arthur. I am in the balcony. Oh, be careful, Paul. All right, all right. I'm in the balcony.

Paul Scheer
I want to talk to some balcony monsters here. Oh, nice bottle of wine. I like that. They sell a full bottle of wine here. Are you kidding?

Jason Mantzoukas
Those people snuck it in. They're in the balcony. There's no way the balcony's buying full bottles of wine at the bar here. I heard they stole it from the people downstairs while they were asking questions. All right, so what's your name?

Paul Scheer
What's your question, Brian? I was observation. We wondered. You talked about Tia Carrera's motivation and our grand plan. We wondered if it was a social commentary on the bureaucracy of having to fill out paperwork for a scientific grant because it's easier to bring back someone, a 15 year old wizard, than actually fill out paperwork to do scientific research.

All right, so this is from a science perspective that he. Is he a scientist? Are you a scientist.

Wait, what? A doctor of philosophy? He's a doctor of philosophy. Get the fuck out of this show, idiot. You're a doctor of philosophy and you're in the balcony?

Jason Mantzoukas
Shame on you. Of course he is. All right, all right. So now your name, your question. My name is Suzanne.

June Diane Raphael
My question is, we've already said that it's not Stonehenge. It definitely didn't look like England either. Where was it filmed? South Africa.

Paul Scheer
That I know. I know that for true. All right, let me go here. South Africa. I'm gonna go over here.

Yeah. Okay. Sir. Oh, my gosh. Six beer cans.

All right, all right. Az, how you doing? It's okay. I love it. I love that six beer cans get.

Jason Mantzoukas
It gets an applause break and they're lined up perfectly. And a lot of people out down here are like pussy. All right, your name? My name's Eamon. I'd like to say a big shout.

Out to Matt Mucker Rice, who doesn't do in the sound. Oh, yeah. Very good. I love Matt. You said earlier on about the return, have you seen the Sam Neill Merlin many series?

Paul Scheer
It was like, it's a brilliant two. Episodes and they call it a mini series. It was a hallmark kind of thing. From how long ago? Roughly 98.

Jason Mantzoukas
So this film, this, because it was. Called Merlin the return. And people thought, right. It was follow up to that, which. Was amazing and rude.

Paul Scheer
Gahar was in it. That lots of people, but it wasn't. It's a piece of shit. Wow. You are hypothesizing.

This is on the trail of a Hallmark movie with Sam. Wait, I'm sorry. Okay, so Fred was not in that one. I don't know, maybe.

Jason Mantzoukas
Wait, does everybody know the Sam Neill movie? Okay, huge. But it's good. But it's good. It's not bad.

It's great. It's. All right. Double thumbs up. Okay.

Paul Scheer
Wow. Wow. Honestly, he did so well. For six years in, it just seemed like what I'd never have known. Not for nothing, maybe the best quest, maybe the best point of the night, maybe the most information given tonight.

Jason Mantzoukas
And all I have to say to you is your ma. All right, we do have. We do have our King Arthur to bring us home. King Arthur. You have pages of notes, I see.

I can't believe nobody else came in costume. Cowards. Cowards. All right, so what's your name? And what's your best question?

June Diane Raphael
My name is Doctor Michele Port. Okay, you're a doctor, too. Yes, I am. Of what? Is everyone a doctor here?

Jason Mantzoukas
Of what? Doctor of science. Baby. A doctor of science. Wait, are you a doctor of science, baby?

Paul Scheer
Which might be a shirt. I'm a doctor of science, baby. That's a pretty good shirt. Dot, dot, dot your ma. I'm a doctor your ma.

Jason Mantzoukas
I'm a doctor of science, baby. Dot dot, dot your ma. Exclamation point. I think it's. I'm a doctor of.

Paul Scheer
Dot, dot, dot your ma. That's pretty good, too. That's pretty good, too. Okay, what do you got for us, doc? I do have a question, but first, I just want to say that today is one of the best days of my life.

June Diane Raphael
I dream of coming to this podcast, a live show. I'm sorry. And so I love you, June. I'm a woman of significance. I love you, June.

I love you, Jason. I love you, Paul. I love you, Belfast. Oh, sweet. We love you.

Paul Scheer
And now you've set yourself. Oh, jeez. Yeah, you're gonna get a question. You're gonna get we. Don't worry.

Don't worry. I'm just saying that you set yourself up, that this question better be good. Like, really. It's got to be good. All right, here we go.

June Diane Raphael
And it's a question for you, Paul. Oh, for me? Did the character of Mordred resonate with you when he kissed his mother on the mouth? Yes. There she is.

Jason Mantzoukas
Yes. Yes. Wow. Nailed it. You did it.

Paul Scheer
You did it. You did it. Wow. What was your name? What was your name?

Jason Mantzoukas
What's your name? Michelle. Michelle. Incredible job, Michelle. Wow.

Holy shit. Doctor Michelle. Holy shit. Best question of the tour.

Paul Scheer
So, so much buildup. So much. I didn't think you could do it. And you did it with it. Blew my mind.

That was amazing. Wow. She's been sitting on that the whole show. And you must have been. That's why she wanted to go first.

Jason Mantzoukas
Cause she was nervous somebody else was gonna sit, and then, boom. That's what a doctor of science does. Yep. My. Holy shit.

Paul Scheer
That's what a doctor of your mother. After the show. After the show. You better be taking pictures with her. Don't come to us.

I had a feeling it was going to be good. All right, so the one person who decided to sing a second opinion, you could come on down. One person. That's it. We have one here in Belfast.

Jason Mantzoukas
Okay, I want to say your husband. Can we get some house lights up? The guy who's going to sing a song just gave a tender kiss to Michelle. Well, they are married. Not just they're together.

Oh, man, Belfast, you're breaking my heart. Well, obviously wow. We've had a lot of opinions here tonight. Makes me want to watch the Sam Neill movie Merlin or, sorry, mini series. But there are people out there with a different opinion.

Paul Scheer
It is now time for second opinions.

Jason Mantzoukas
All right. I am Zurin. I'm the husband of the amazing Michele. As you already know, when you've got Arthur and Lancelot and Merlin. Yay.

In present day, this does sound like a good old fun, fine romp. But when you do not have a script, the king's mustache has not been clipped, then this production is doomed to bomb. Leather jackets are showing on connectors, and we're wondering where this is going. Like TRS career color grading is more miss than hit. All the VFX just look like shit.

Modred and his minions can't help to stop us from hearing second opinions. Second opinions. Oh, yeah. Give it up. Yes.

June Diane Raphael
Wonderful. Great job. Great job. You go back to the safety. That's right.

Wonderful. That's right, Belfast. There are heroes among you. They live together. They're gonna fought so hard tonight.

They're hugging this. Michelle's like, yeah. There's just nothing sexier than a man introducing himself in relation to a woman. Yes. I loved it.

I loved it. A woman dressed as King Arthur. That's right. From this movie. I loved it.

Jason Mantzoukas
Of science, baby. Who's dressed as King Arthur from this movie? I hope they fuck with the outfit on. You know, it's truly like. It is.

June Diane Raphael
It is big Merlin energy she's bringing. It's like that BME, that big Merlin energy. I wish you made your husband paint his forehead with whatever Merlin had on there. Like that little. That little triangle.

Jason Mantzoukas
Wow. I will say the interesting thing about this was the art director of this film, and maybe knowing that the budget was only 20,000 pounds, the art director of this film did win the director's Guild award for best art direction on no time to die, the James Bond movie, and was nominated for Wonder Woman and for the Batman with Robert Pattinson. Oh, so recent nomination. Okay. Yeah.

Paul Scheer
So this. This was. This was probably the beginning. I mean, this is like 20 some odd years ago. Well, if you.

If you. He made it. He made the woods look good. There we go. He made the woods look good.

Jason Mantzoukas
And he made Stonehenge look like Stonehenge. Stonehenge surrounded by forest. Is that true, Stonehenge expert? Nope. Okay.

Paul Scheer
There are 152 reviews on Amazon. Not that many. 49% are five star. That's pretty low. Joanne Klonowski writes, this is for Merlin fans, first of all.

And we see things different watching this, I felt jealous that I could not have starred in it.

Lighten up, people. It's fun. You should be watching Archie bunker. Lol. Five stars.

A few different avenues that they went down there. Why? Yes, why? Whoa. I felt jealous that I could not have starred in it.

Jason Mantzoukas
And you should all be watching Archie Bunker. I think the crazy thing about the first line is, like, it implies that this reviewer has starred in other movies. Or auditioned for this movie. Or, I mean, I was gonna. I mean, maybe this movie made Joanne Klonoski want to be an actor.

June Diane Raphael
Wow. We'll never know. Yeah. Thomas B. Writes in his title.

Paul Scheer
This is not a movie. I don't disagree. Yeah, I'm with him so far. And continues by saying it's an experience. I guess that's true.

It's from a time I've never known, in a place I've never been, in a life I'll never live. Watch it with your family, your friends. Watch it alone. There's no better way to spend a day. Five stars.

Wow. Wow. There is a loneliness epidemic. Yeah. I can think of so many better ways to spend the day.

89%. While watching this today, I was like, there's so much I'd rather be doing at 89 minutes. You have a lot. You can still enjoy the day. I mean, really, you could put that on and get that.

You can get out of the house pretty early. What I do like about this is it goes, it's from a time I've never known, yet. It is from the year 2000. They are primarily quite a bit of it. Quite a bit of it from modern times.

And then we go to this one, which I really enjoyed from Snorpson. Snorpson. Snorpson. Snorpson. Snorpson.

Jason Mantzoukas
So the son of Snorp, etymologically speaking. I love the Smurfs. I love the snorks. And I love snorps.

Paul Scheer
Fucking amazing movie. The wife and kids hate it, but I don't know why.

It's my favorite movie right now. He wrote this in 2022.

Only one minus star, because there were no kittens.

Jason Mantzoukas
I want to say, are you done? No, please go. Truly, my favorite thing is the. In all caps, hardcore male friendships.

Paul Scheer
Then in all caps, I wear the same tighty whities as Merlin.

What the fuck was that ending, though? Why would Gawain say. Say that? Unsettling.

I will force my family to rewatch this movie until the day I die. Five stars. Holy shit.

Jason Mantzoukas
What's crazy about that? What's crazy about that? Is. It's insane on every level. And yet someone loves Snorpson enough to marry him and carry his children.

Like this person has a family. What. What am I doing wrong? I do love the idea of hardcore male friendships. Ugh.

June Diane Raphael
I love it. I don't know what it means, but I love it. But it's important to snore. So important. And who are the hardcore male friendships in this movie?

Lancelot and Arthur? No. Well, I mean, they come. They come back to being friends. Hardcore male friends.

Jason Mantzoukas
They have to have a sword fight first.

Your ma.

It's pretty. Thank you for that, by the way. It's really a great tag. All right. I will say the one thing that is right about this movie.

Paul Scheer
No one brought this up. This is one of the few live action productions based on arthurian legend which the actor portraying Merlin is younger than the actor playing King Arthur. Actor playing Merlin. So I think that Merlin is. I think they often cast Merlin as an old wizard.

Jason Mantzoukas
Yeah, Merlin is kind of like the Gandalf of those stories. So much so that he even has to find his pipe in this. Well, but by the way, when you cast Fred, you. I mean, he's timeless. He's ageless.

Paul Scheer
Did Merlin know also Merlin? I mean, maybe. Maybe. I'll give you that people in the netherworld don't age because it's a different dimension. But Merlin is here on earth for 1500 years and does not age 1 second.

Jason Mantzoukas
Is that just magic? Sure. It's your ma. It's your ma. We've empowered you too much.

We've given you a weapon that is too good. It's that your ma is like the Excalibur of this show. You pulled it from a rock, ma'am. All right, would you recommend this movie now? I'll ask the audience first.

Paul Scheer
Would you recommend anyone watching this movie who's listening to the podcast I'm hearing? No. Anyone that would. The guy there. Maybe six people.

Jason Mantzoukas
Maybe six. And one of them is the guy who drank six beers. Now, Jason, June, I want to hear your opinion, but I also want you to know that I may have a very big success surprise for you. But here we go. It was tough.

It was very tough. I will say it was a tough watch. I was confounded and confused throughout. For the podcast. Sure.

Watch it. Do you need to? Absolutely not. Cause it's straight nuts. Yeah, I guess if you're gonna watch it, like, be doing something else, you know, fold your laundry, do a crossword word like, don't go head on with this thing.

June Diane Raphael
Don't take it on like one on one because, yeah, it's not safe to consume it that way. But it is something. Here's what I'll say. It's something to see.

Jason Mantzoukas
It's a movie. Is it? I am going to say this controversial opinion, but sticking with who I am as a person. While I thought Merlin was good, it was Mordred's movie. It is Team Mordred.

Wow. I am Team Mordred Moore. Mordred. Wow. That's a real heel turn for you.

I love that. That's interesting. I'm not mad at it. I'm not mad at it because he made out with his mom.

Paul Scheer
Thank you, Belfast. Give it up for Jason. Give it up for June. Give it up for Paul Scheer. Thank you so much, Belfast.

Once again, give it up for your hometown. Matthew Rice, best home as our stage manager. Thank you so much. And that concludes our first ever show in Belfast. Thanks so much to everyone who came out to see us live, the staff at Ulster hall, our tour manager, Beth Thomas, and our recording engineer, Matt Rice.

All right, people, we have a great t shirt here. But you know what? I also want to tell you about a great book that I wrote, a New York Times bestselling book, thanks to you, joyful recollections of trauma is now available Canada, UK, all across the United States. You can get it anywhere that you get your books and your audio books. I appreciate it, recommend it, review it.

It really, really helps. And you know what? I want to now tell you about t shirts. The shirt that we made for this episode says, I'm a doctor of Yamaha, which has a picture of all star audience member Michelle dressed as King Arthur. You can buy this shirt and every other shirt that we've made@teepublic.com.

stores hDTGm. And let me let you know that this weekend we are going to be in Boston. That's right, on Father's Day. Come see us. We would love to see you there, Boston.

And guess what? We're putting balcony monster tickets on sale right now. We're going to be actually doing the movie communion, which is from my book, joyful recollections of trauma. And then we're going to be at the Nantucket Film Festival on Thursday, June 20. The movie is a shark film called Bait.

Go to hdtgm.com to get tickets for both shows. And as always, if you have a correction or an omission from this episode, leave me a voicemail at 619 Paul a sk or write a comment on our discord at Discord GG HDTGM, then make sure to tune into next week's last looks follow up episode on Merlin the return to hear me respond to your messages and announce our next movie and chat with jason about all sorts of fun stuff. Remember, if you listen on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, please make sure that you are subscribed to our feed and you have automatic downloads turned on in the show settings. It helps us and we appreciate it so much. And last but not least, I have to thank our entire team, who this show couldn't be done without.

I'm talking about our producers, Scott Sahni, Molly Reynolds, our movie picking producer, Avery Halley, and our engineer, Casey Holford and our associate producer, Jess Cisneros. That's all I got, people. We'll see you next week for last looks. Bye for now.

Jason Mantzoukas
At Amica insurance, we know it's more than just a house. It's your home. The place that's filled with memories.

Paul Scheer
The early days of figuring it out to the later years of still figuring. It out for the place you've put down roots. Trust Amica home insurance. Amica empathy is our best policy. 1234.

Those are numbers, but you already knew that. If you want to know what number you're going to pay each month for your car, use Kelley blue. Book my wallet on autotrader. They're really good at numbers. Autotrader.

Merlin: The Return LIVE!

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Episode Chapters

1: Introduction and Sponsorship

2: Film Overview

3: Character Analysis

4: Audience Q&A

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