Matinee Monday: Howard the Duck LIVE! (w/ Kristen Schaal)

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Copyright 2023 Jefferson's Bourbon company Crestwood, Kentucky. It's the classic story of girl meets a duck from another planet, and they fall in love, save the world and stop an interdimensional demon. We saw Howard the duck, so you know what that means. Now it's time for.

Speaker B
Celebration. Failure not to see the hater. Let's ruin the mediocrity of subpar art. Find the answer to the question, how did this get made? Hello, people of Earth, and hello, people of Largo.

So how did this get made live? We are doing it here in Largo. This is our live La home. So please welcome my two co hosts, Jason Manzoukas, June Diane Raphael.

Speaker C
All right. And our very special guest tonight, Kristin Shaw.

Speaker B
Wow, wow, wow. Relax. Very excited audience. Well, this guys. Howard the duck.

What? I mean, all I know is this.

I was not allowed to see this movie as a child because my parents thought it was too adult. Cause there were some duck boobies in it. Sure. Right off the bat. Yeah, I feel like that must have created a lot of really fucked up fetishes for kids.

Oh, my gosh. If you. You know, you can't see this at home, but I'll put it online. These are the duck boobies I'm referring to. Yeah.

Speaker C
I will say this, though. That is a very bad duck titty job. Like, those are. There's no way those are real. No way.

Speaker B
I enjoy it. It's weird thinking back to this. Later on, we learn that ducks are in the process of evolving to humans, right? No, not evolved. They've already evolved.

Speaker C
No, they're. Oh, wait a second. Hang on.

Speaker B
Wait. You think that ducks are gonna come? Human beings? Hey, are you back? The ducks?

Speaker E
No, no, no. Do you think that this is a stop in the evolution that is eventually gonna lead towards humans? Well, yeah, it goes from duck to gorilla to us. Well, didn't Rob say that we came from. We came from apes, right?

Speaker D
And they came from ducks, but they're advanced ducks. But eventually they'll look like us. No, no, they're on their own planet, and that there's no humans on that planet. Wait, wait, when?

Speaker C
How long do you think until that turns into us? I don't know. Cause they already have everything. But they are at the same evolutionary step that we are. Right?

Speaker B
They're just ducks. Like, like Chris was saying, they have evolved. Like, we have evolved. They are just human ducks. Yeah, so, so, so evolution.

Speaker C
Oh, my God. Like, soar off to sud, like, immediately down the rabbit hole of insanity. I love this. Well, that's the thing, is that there's another planet that could be advanced ducks. Get it?

Speaker B
Right. Maybe it's another planet, but here's where she is. But fine, but when I look at her, I see human breasts. No, no, you don't. You don't.

Speaker C
I assure you, you don't. You see duck breasts. They say some sweet, sweet duck titties. I guess what they're hypothesizing is as they became upright, their boobs came in. I don't know that you are right.

Speaker B
The human boobs are tricky. There is something. And later on, well, Tim Robbins says, like, when the evolutionary chart is basically from duck to, you know, upright duck with arms, not wings, you know, like CRO magnon duck, blah, blah, blah, they have all the evolutionary. My question is, when will they be us? I think June is hung up because the ducks beautiful breasts do resemble our beautiful breasts.

Speaker D
But the thing about breasts is there's so gorgeous that they are the highest level of evolution for all life forms, so.

Speaker C
Things only evolved to get them titties. I will say to June's point that we've evolved from apes, and apes have a chest that is similar to breasts. Yes, and that's where your confusion is. Yes, but that's my theory, which I agree with. Perfect.

I think they just. This is not the point that we should be arguing about this film. No, no. We should begin that there are human ducks on another planet that are. But the craziest thing is, on their planet, ducks have evolved into the primary life form, like, the primary sentient life form, and have, like, direct analogs to everything we have.

Speaker B
No, but this is what drove me nuts. Cause I hate this. It's like he has a poster from my little chickadee, which is like. And it's, like, starring May nest and WC foul. Foul.

We don't. We aren't like that. It's not like May human and WC person. No, this movie is a vehicle for duck punts. Like, that's all it is.

Like, oh, Willy Waddle is here. And if Howard's last name is right. Wait, but is it? Yes, it is. He has mail.

Speaker C
Don't yell at me. Hey, hey. Shut it. Whoa. He is Howard.

Speaker B
T. That's it. You're right, you're right, you're right. Okay, everybody's last name, Duck. That is a tricky one that you could.

Speaker C
I guess you could presume that. Well, I mean, if I could get my hands on a phone book. I know. I'd let you know. I know for sure there is somebody named Willy Waddle and may nest in WC foul.

Speaker B
So we know that. Yeah, so I guess not everyone. Why does he get such supremacy? Like, his name gets to be, like, the entirety of his species or whatever. Well, maybe his name is, like, white.

Like, the name white here, or is. This a race thing? Now, notice we didn't see any black ducks. That's a good point. I didn't see any of that.

Speaker C
Did anybody else notice that just to play white ducks, he flew through the. Apartment building and there was no black ducks, right? Actually, I think when he was watching tv, at one point, there was a black duck. There was a black duck. There was.

You fucking weirdos.

Speaker B
Yes. There are a lot of duck puns. They shop at blooming duck. He's a master of quack food. But then fast forward.

Speaker E
But then when he gets to planet Earth, he doesn't know what pizza is. That is weird. Well, this is a huge. There are huge inconsistencies, because sometimes people see him and are terrified, as if a monster is in their presence. And sometimes people see him and are like, what are you in such a rush for, pal?

Speaker C
Which is, as far as I can tell, inexplicable. Other times, people make such a leap, they go, oh, you're a child, and you're in a Halloween costume. I'm cool with this. Yes. What?

Speaker B
How did you jump that many? And every one of them has to say what a good costume it is. It's really amazing. I don't know if this movie was made for children or adults. It feels like a look at.

Speaker C
This movie was not made for children. There is a boozy birdie housewife, like, having a glass of chardonnay with her tits hanging out, diddling herself in the bath. Like, guess what? This isn't for fourth graders. Guess what it is for my spank bank.

Speaker D
That's what's so weird, too. Cause the humor is so bad. I mean, this was scary when I watched this, I was nine years old, and I thought this was the best movie I'd ever seen in my life. And now I'm like, did I just have reverse flowers for Algernon or what? Not to say I'm a genius, but I'm a lot smarter than this movie.

And that's what's weird, too, is when Leah Thompson starts to, like, seduce him. I just love the direction it's like. Cause she must have thought she was in a children's movie, you know? She's been so confused. It's like, now you're gonna lucas hang your tits in front of.

Front of Howard. And she's like, but this is a children's movie, right? Yeah, but you gotta, like, yeah, now put your tits in front of Howard. You know? Like, she crawls around in underwear and a bra.

She looks good. She looks good. She looks damn good, too. She is hot, man. She is in top form here.

She is. Well, I mean, basically just even Howard meets the very hot Leah Thompson in the middle of a rape attack, right? Yep. Apparently I love movie representations of punks. You know, they've got like, crazy colors and wild hair and they're like, ooh, we're gonna rape you now.

Speaker E
They're like the most fun time, too, where you're like, are these supposed to be teenagers that are just played by 40 year olds or did teenagers look like 40 year olds back then? Like, it's very. Yeah, teenagers didn't look like 40 year olds back then. And they look. And teenagers now look like eleven year olds.

Speaker D
And there was one weird moment, too, where one of the punks said, oh, you're all high on toot. Yeah. Right. It was a real snot nose and that. Yeah, they wouldn't cuss, too.

And then there was also the Satan sluts, which is totally redundant. Yeah. And it's also, they're also kind of hair metal y a little bit. There's a lot of, like, almost punk in here. It's like they, punk is a thing, but the music is like, hey, we're playing music on our guitar.

Speaker B
We like it. I thought for a little bit, I was like, is this either a sequel or a prequel to some kind of wonderful? Because I didn't know. Did she break apart from that band? And now she's living in Cleveland.

Speaker D
Wait, no, that was, that's Mary Stewart Masters. Oh, she not in that movie? No, she's married, but she's wonderful. I got it. Or, or is it Mary?

You know? Wow, that's not open. Well, I mean, I think John Hughes would tell you that he did that movie in an effort to right the wrong he felt he made in making her not choose ducky in pretty and pink. And so he made some kind of wonderful so that they would choose the right person. And then Leah Thompson ended up marrying the director of some kind of wonderful.

Speaker C
Holy. They have two kids. True love wins. This is for you, bride. And now true love wins.

Speaker B
And now Leah Thompson often sits in a bath with a martini glass and diddles herself just like this duck. What's so weird about the movie, though, is that the relationship between Leah and Howard, it does seem like she wants to have sex with him. Yeah. Should we play the seduction scene? Let's get right to it.

Speaker C
Yeah, but, Paul, when we're done with it, could that remain the image that stays? Could duck titties? Could duck titties be the image that is there for the rest of the show. Yeah, of course. Of course.

Guys, this is already for, like, a pornos tale. Like, if I saw that thumbnail on a page, I'd click on it.

Speaker D
Also, Leah Thompson, after I watched it, I was like, oh, how did she get involved with this? Did she have a contract? She auditioned. Oh, yeah. Oh, there were many people who auditioned.

Speaker B
Tori Amos was supposed to be this part. Tori Amos was supposed to. Well, she auditioned for it. That's amazing. Yes.

I would like to see Howard deduct Tori Amos. So, this is a longer clip than we normally play, but I feel like. This scene would have been more erotic with Tori Amos. All right, here we go. She breastfed a pig.

Speaker C
You think I might find happiness in the animal kingdom, ducky? Like they say, thou love's strange. We could always give it a try. Hmm.

Speaker D
Okay, let's go for it, mister. This is happening. What do you mean? Okay, it was a joke. Listen, I'm pretty tired.

Speaker B
It's just that you're so incredibly soft and cuddly. Bev, let's be realistic. I mean, my apartment, zillions of miles from here. You're 3ft taller than I am. Oh, jeez.

Speaker D
Resist your intense animal magnetism. Feather boner. Whoops. Anyway, where will it all lead? Marriage, kids, a house in the suburbs?

Speaker C
Let's just face it. It's fate. What? No, it's not. I've got a headache.

Speaker D
And I got the aspirin. Be gentle. Just one good night kiss. Sweet ducky.

Come on, Howard. I was just kidding. What? Just. No, you weren't kidding.

Speaker C
Come on, Howard. Come on, Howard. Just kidding. Nope, you are not kidding. You are wet for foul.

Speaker B
Well.

Speaker E
What is she doing? I don't know, but also, what's happening to him? Oh, okay. I read some trivia on those duck feathers on top when they came up. I guess it took, like.

Speaker D
Like, two months to figure out, you know, that. Yes. Yeah.

Speaker B
Sorry. We shared a moment. We shared a moment. We know it. So.

Speaker D
So the duck costumes, which are really. Actually, I think they're really impressive. In fact, the whole art of this movie, in my opinion, is very good. Like, it looks gorgeous. The colors, the lighting, and duck.

Howard, the duck looks great, but they had to, like, improve his costume over time. So getting those feathers to rise, it just took, like, weeks and weeks of hard labor to get it right, which. Seems like the easiest thing. Like, you just attach some string and. Pull them blower like a fishing wire.

Okay. I mean, give me a job, George Lucas. God damn it. Can we show the beginning of this movie? Speaking of George Lucas.

Yes. So George Lucas just did return of the Jedi two years prior. Okay. This movie came out in 1986, and George Lucas decides, you know what? I want to change it up.

I want to show up that I can do something else I can break out of. By the way, flawless George Lucas impression. Like, I know. Flawless. I know.

And so if you look, this is the first thing you see of George Lucas trying something new. Can I show you the screenshot? I just have the screenshot. Okay. Yeah.

So this is. There it is. Two moons from Tatooine. Like, you can't even, like, for a. Second, when I saw these two moons over the city, I was like, it's.

Like, we get it. Is Luke looking at the Howard the Duck planet?

Speaker B
And Howard the duck is looking at the. It's a way to tie them all together in a Chris Nolan kind of. All my movies are one that crossover. Event, but that, like. Like what?

Speaker C
Like, the ewoks might as well be Howard the ducks. Like, it might as well be a planet of Howard the Ducks. Well, guys, I also want to just say that we should just here take a moment and say this is the first ever Marvel movie. Yeah. Howard the Duck is a Marvel comics guy.

Speaker B
Yes. The first ever Marvel movie is Howard the duck. Yes. And in the comic, he's a very foul mouthed. You know, like, foul mouthed.

Uh oh. Uh oh. Yes. Uh oh. It's catching up.

Speaker C
Oh, shit. It's catching up. Oh, shit. That's just. That's the kind of comedy we're doing on.

How did this get made? We got a lot more duck punts. I mean, there's so much weird trivia with this movie. Basically, it was supposed to be. It was supposed to be animated, but due to a contractual obligation that George Lucas had with a studio, he needed to make a live action movie.

Speaker B
So he's like, oh, yeah, fuck it. We'll make it live action. And he was kind of bankrupt at the time, and so he was like, ah, this is gonna make me millions. And clearly it didn't. And so he went more into bankruptcy, at which point he sold part of Lucasfilm ilm to Steve Jobs, and that became Pixar.

So Howard the duck essentially created Pixar. Thank God.

Speaker A
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Speaker C
Yeah. What I don't understand. Why is he freaking out? Because he doesn't have a penis. He has a penis.

Speaker D
Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. Wait a minute. Okay.

Speaker C
Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Okay. Wait a minute. I know.

Speaker D
Cause duck penis. Why? Why?

Speaker C
We know he has a penis. How do we know? Cause in his wallet is a loose condom. It is unwrapped. Just a lucy.

Because sometimes you're like, I gotta get inside this bitch. But I don't know if I want to open. Open it up. But to me, like, how dry is that condom? Unless ducks don't need lube covered in lint.

And it's like, next. That or he used. It's got, like, pen marks on it. That or he used that condom. It's like, no trash.

Speaker B
Oh, I don't put it in my billfold. I don't have a wrapper for my condom. I'll just put it between two dollar bills. Those are. Those are sanitary, right, man.

Speaker D
And if you watch this scene all the way through, she's, like, snooping, and she pulls out this unwrapped, tiny little hook. Duck penis condom. And she just looks at. She's just like, how? Yeah.

Speaker B
She's like, oh, Howard. But I mean, if he. The people in the audience can see it, the condom is no bigger than her fingernail. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker C
So they were like, make sure. Small condominium. But Howard, the duck is, like, 4ft tall. He should have a bigger dick than that, right? I mean, are you.

Speaker B
I don't know. Are we going by, how do duck penises work? Like, in the. Paul, can we google it? Doesn't it have a hook?

Sure, we. Can we google how the duck penises work? Just tell me. Are you. Are you somebody that knows about duck penises?

Speaker C
Hang on. Okay. Are you being honest right now? Okay, hold on. Here we go, guys.

Prepare to have your minds blown. So the thing is, is the duck's. Penis is corkscrewed and the duck's vagina is corkscrewed the other way. So when they have sex, it's like. Wait, does it move like that?

Speaker B
You're moving it like a drill bit. Okay. Okay. Yeah. Does that propel motion?

Somehow, but I still feel like there would have to be a twist. Super horny.

Speaker C
Okay, hang on, hang on. I just want to get to the bottom of this. I want you to explain it as clear as possible, but slow and in a sexier voice. All right, so you know that, like, duck cup. Okay, this is.

This is happening. Guys, get out of here. Everybody get out of here. I think it's working. Wait, is there anything more relevant for this?

Speaker E
No. Really? It's true. Just kind of a weird, pointy shape. Yeah.

Speaker C
So would you say, I don't think. Howard has a duck penis. I think Howard, if he has a penis, has a human penis. Like the other duck had human tits. Yeah.

Well, the condom would suggest that as well. The condom. Although, I don't know. A rolled up corkscrew condom probably just. Or is it just kind of, like.

You'd have to do this.

It's like that game where you have to. The medal. The middle thing with the circle in the middle, and the thing is going around and around, and you're, like, trying around so it doesn't. Visually. You're missing a bunch of stuff here.

Speaker B
If you're listening. It's all visual jokes tonight. And why. But why is Howard freaking out, then? Wait.

Speaker C
Cause she calls his bluff. She calls his bluff. He, like, it makes. So he's all talk. He's all talk.

Yeah, he makes a pass. And she says, by the way, he's. In a loving relationship with Michelle, as we see in the beginning of the movie. He gets a postcard, and she's like, I'm so. I'm missing you.

Speaker B
Can't wait to see. You know what I mean? But he forgets about Michelle the second he's in Cleveland. I don't know if. Is he in a relationship or is he just, like, fucking this broad?

Speaker E
And I think there are a couple of girls who leave messages on. I think he's got a bunch of fuck buddies. Yeah, look, Howard the duck is kind of a lonely character. He comes home at night, he can't find tv. He takes out a play duck, and he starts to jerk it before he sucked to earth.

Speaker B
I mean, that's the way the movie opens. That's where it's going. That's definitely where it's headed. And. Yeah.

So maybe he's a lonely guy and he's connected with her, but I would think he would want to. I think, though, that his journey through the movie is that he learns to, like, connect with someone and really learns to, like, that he wants to, like, settle down and stuff. So you're saying that he's. This is a serious question, because honestly. Honestly, at one point, I thought, okay, the whole movie.

Speaker E
The trajectory of this movie is gonna be that he. His passion for music is gonna be reignited. I thought that, too. Where's goin he's like, I don't play anymore. Oh, he's gonna.

They're gonna collaborate. Well, by the way, I agree with. That, because there was. And I thought there was. He was gonna sing a song at one point.

Speaker C
Cause he was like, I mean, I don't know. And then there's a dramatic move, and he's in front of a piano, and he goes, boo boo be boo boo. And he looks back at her, and I was like, oh, there's gonna be a song now. And then just walks away from the piano. Right.

Speaker E
Also totally dropped. So it seems. It seems like you wanted him to. Play a little bit. You did want.

Speaker D
Well, yeah. I thought that was what, the whole thing. I thought he would maybe join the. Band, and then he becomes the band manager, and then he, like, plays one song at the end, which was pretty. Awesome with his beak.

Speaker B
He does play with his beak. Spoiler alert. You'll get to see that at the end. And I love that. Those cherry bombs, I know you said it, but they're like, gem in the hologram.

Speaker C
Holly Robinson, Pete. Holly Robinson. Shit, man. By the way, Tim Robbins is also in this movie as kind of an evil guy, but then he becomes a good guy. But he does say a really creepy thing when he goes in to see those Gemini hologram girls.

Speaker B
He goes, cherry boy. He goes, hey, girl. They just played a show, and he comes backstage. He's like, hey, girls, just came back here to watch you undress, and I brought you some pizza. Well, that.

Speaker D
And that sums up the humor in the. I think. I think all that all the time. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker C
I think he actually said, hey, girls, I didn't see the show, but I made it in time to see you undress. You're right. Which is 1 million times grosser. You know what? Fuck it.

I don't want to see my girlfriend perform. I just want to see her and her friends and their titties out. By the way, he also works at a museum where there's a lab. Yeah. And, like, experimental lasers.

Speaker B
I have a whole problem with the way his character introduced, because Leah Thompson's like, we gotta find out why you came to Earth, Howard. I'm gonna bring you to my friend. And then she goes there and she looks like she's never been there. And then it's surprised to find out that her friend is, like, a janitor. Like, then he's not really that much of a friend.

Like, she, like, thinks he's a scientist. What about that moment when they walk? So she comes in, they both walk into his office. That's. And then.

Speaker D
And the camera holds on, the door closing. Then the door opens. Tim Robbins pops out, closes the door, and runs into a conference of higher level scientists. Like, you guys, guess what I saw. And then he's like, nothing.

And goes back. I also love that moment because he runs into these high level scientists, and there's just, like, a big dinosaur head on the table. And someone's like, dinosaur head. And everyone's like, oh, yes. So we're all in agreement then.

Speaker C
This is a dinosaur headroom. I think we can all agree. Dinosaur. I'm pretty sure it's the head. This scene.

Speaker D
This is the other. I mean, this is. It was problematic in every other sentence. But then he gets pissed off, by the way Tim Robbins is trying to treat him, and he yells at Leah Thompson and is like, I bought my own. And then he, like, goes and works at a brothel.

Speaker C
No, wait, wait, wait. Whoa. Because we have to. Okay, do not. We gotta back it up.

Speaker D
What happened? Because what he says is, I guess it's time to get a job. And he goes to the unemployment office. He has been. He has been in town for twelve some odd hours, and he has given up on going home and decided to get a job.

Speaker C
He is. Now, keep in mind, he's a fucking duck. I want you to understand, he's not from another town. Come to the big city. He's a duck that got sucked through interdimensional space in an armchair and is now at the unit employment office.

Speaker B
12 hours ago, he thought Cleveland was a planet. So now he has clothes and is looking for a job. By the way, he dresses like a rejected member of the village people. Like a small leather hat. Well, also, for a while, he kind of looks like a flasher for the.

He's dressed like a permanent honor. Yeah. He meets up with an unemployment officer, a very sassy, large african american woman who's like, all right, they gave me to you because I get all the weirdos. Like, keep in mind, she's talking to a duck. I'm a woman.

Yeah. She doesn't. She does not see that he's a duck. So she's great. She's killing it.

Speaker C
It's on her. And she's like, this is bullshit. I'm. You're gonna go to work. You can't take money and reverse on him.

It's a fucking duck. She's talking to a goddamn duck. What does she think he is? She's a weirdo. A weirdo.

Speaker B
I think she's like. She's like, this is a new level of tattooing. Like he is. Put feathers on his face. It's just like.

Speaker E
I've seen it all. But no worry, I'm gonna get this fucking done. That's what she's like. Oh, don't worry. I'm gonna get you a job.

Speaker C
Cut to. He works at a hot tub place. Yeah. By the way, and by the way, I will say this for her. She did do what she was supposed to do.

She did. She got him in jobs. Exactly. She's a good. She's a good.

Speaker D
She's good at her work. But number two, it seemed like Howard was pretty willing to work. She was very aggressive with him. He was like, I want a job. Don't you come in here, like, whoa.

Speaker B
Hey. This is what's weird, though. It seems it. Because she got him a job at a hot tub place with water. Okay, now keep in mind place.

Speaker C
And it's really just like a place that has hot tubs and rooms that people are fucking in. Yeah, in a mud room. But there's a lot of hot tubs in this place. But they're all fucking hot. So that's what I'm saying.

Speaker E
It seems like. It seems like she knew that because he's a duck. Wait a minute. He would do well there. But she does say.

Speaker C
She does say, I think you're gonna take to this job that's like a duck to water. No, but she doesn't think he's a duck. That's just an irony. There are levels that June is watching on that are simply. That are next level.

There's next level. Watch. Wait, so you think that she said, all right, I'm the best. I'm gonna get this duck a job. I think her whole thing is, look, I don't.

Speaker E
When people come in here, I don't judge them. I don't care what they look like. Okay, I'm gonna get them a job at the cost. Come in. Right, but what I'm saying is she does know he's a duck.

She doesn't care. She. See, you're saying she's. You're saying when she's looking to play someone, she sees past species. Absolutely.

Speaker D
That's the flaw with this film, too. It's like, when you watch any Muppet movie, every character in that world, human or Muppet, is just like, this is our reality. But Howard Duck never decided that. It's like sometimes. Sometimes people lose their minds.

Speaker C
Like, oh, my God, I'm looking at an alien, a monster. And sometimes people are like, hey, man, can I sit next to you? Like when he's on the bus, he's just walking around. He then has. It was the eighties.

Speaker B
People were much more accepting. The cold war was imminent. We were friends to ducks. My favorite thing, just to wrap up this unemployment thing is then the woman turns around to fill out the paperwork, and he is transfixed by her ass. Her ass is, like, right in front of him.

Speaker C
And he's like. He's, like, freaking out. He's gonna, like, jizz in his pants. If his duck does bite that ass, that juicy ass, he tries to go bite it just as she turns around. And puts the employment form in his mouth again.

Speaker B
If I. He's a sexual predator, guys. She's helping him get a job. His response was to try and bite her ass. He is an alien who is trying to attack our women sexually.

Speaker C
Why are we rooting for him? But yet four scenes earlier, he's saving somebody from sexual assault. So he's a very complicated thing. Thompson is throwing herself at us. I mean, he's like, hey, no, I can't.

I'm nervous. I'm scared. Uh oh. But he's like, oh, I gotta bite this juicy butt. Oh, I gotta bite this juicy butt.

Speaker B
Suffice it to say, him working at the fuck club does not work out well. But also his argument, his, like, yawn at Leah Thompson is, like, so dumb. Yeah. It's like, why is she getting yelled at? Yeah.

Like, because, yeah, he feels like, hey, you brought me to one person and he didn't solve my fucking problem. I'm out of here. Yeah, I'm a duck from another planet. I don't need you. He really does have a very bad attitude.

Yeah. Leah Thompson's in a band living in an abandoned tenement. He's like, she's like, I'm trying. I know someone who happens to be loosely affiliated with science. Like, she's doing the best she can.

Speaker C
She's doing the best she can. Like a giant talking duck has attached itself to her, and she is trying to fuck it, trying to help it, trying to do everything. And he's basically like, you know what? Go fuck yourself. How about this?

How about this? Go fuck yourself. I'm gonna say Leah Thompson did it better than I could have done in that same. Oh, 100%, absolutely, legitimately acting her ass off this. She's doing amazing work.

This, compared to Jaden Smith in after Earth, is, like, above. Like, the puppets are better than his performance in this movie. After his one excursion, he joins back up with Leah Thompson. He's like, all right, well, I'm back with her now. He and I can't, at this point.

Figure out how much time has passed. How long has he been in the workforce? No. Oh, he gets back with her because he shows up at her club and he fights. He's a good fighter.

Speaker D
That's the other thing. One duck punch from Howard, and you're down. I'm going to show the fight scene because this is how he gets back into Leah Thompson's good graces. By the way, for the people listening at home, just know that one of the bad guys in this movie is one of the guys who stole Ferris Bueller's car. Ferris Bueller's ass.

Speaker B
Here we go. Hey, come on. Don't think you fish.

You.

Oh, no earring in your other ear? I'll just make the hole myself. No, please, Miss Holmes, please don't. The money. Chore.

Chore. Here, here, take the money. Take it. It's yours. Take it.

And you're no longer their manager. Listen, okay? Everybody in here is a witness. I am letting the girls out of their contract, okay? Tell your goons to stay back.

I'm warning you. I bite your face, you're a dead man, Ginger. What are you talking about? Space rabies.

Speaker C
What? Space? So now. Now, not only is he a duck in the world, super fucked up. He is telling people I'm an alien.

And I've got an. I've got something you can have. Well, see, this is where the movie does turn alien. Like, this is where alien, what? Starts with space rabies and then alien become a huge, huge part of this movie?

Speaker B
Well, I was just. Oh, go ahead. Well, I mean, can we. Did everyone catch the bartender being like, yeah, it was so quick and so good. The bartender is, like, a 1960s, like, beat poet kind of guy.

Speaker D
And he's like, yeah, that is like. You don't see that anywhere. No, that's. And that's just a character. That's not a character who has any lines or anything?

Speaker C
No, that's a director's choice to be like, okay, but I want the bartender to be, like, a 1950s. A mid 1950s beatnik. And you're loving this. You're loving this. You're helping the duck.

Speaker B
Now, I will also point out that it's odd that the guy that is their manager and has been holding money keeps all the money that he's owed them in his pocket, ready to go, as if, oh, yeah, here's the money. I have a bill filled with these. And he says, I'll give it to him when sweet Beverly puts out. Yeah, yeah. So we didn't see that.

Sorry. But yeah, these guys are bad dudes. But all of a sudden, again, if you're a parent in the eighties, you think George Lucas duck, and all of a sudden, you've seen condoms, you've seen fuck houses, and now you've seen a duck wielding a weapon, ready to puncture a man's face. This is not what you bargained for. This is not the 13 that you create.

Speaker C
The thing that, for me, was that moment where I was like, what the fuck planet is this? At a certain point, the police get involved, and Howard the duck and Leah Thompson are trying to escape. And Leah Thompson takes the cop's gun out of his holster and points it at him like, what the fuck do you want? And it becomes. I'm like, that's a policeman.

Like, he's done nothing wrong to you. You're with a duck that's talking. You're the weird one. Don't, like, point a gun at this guy. I really felt really bad.

Speaker E
Well, the other weird thing with her is that every time she runs into a group of people and something's happening with Howard, she just says, you gotta help Howard. So everybody knows who Howard is.

Speaker B
She does do that all the time. All the time.

Speaker E
You're hurting Howard. And then inexplicably, at a certain point, she just starts calling him Ducky. That really looks at me, which is really weird. Well, and here's what's so strange about her character. When she first touches the feather, when he falls asleep on their first night together, it looks so maternal, and it looks like, okay, I guess this is.

Speaker C
Some guy was like, oh, yeah, but. Oh, you get it. Connect to him. Like, but can you say that this. Is, like, in her wheelhouse?

Speaker B
Because Leah Thompson also plays a very similar scene with Michael J. Fox in back to the future when she is his mother. But she's also sexually attractive. She knows how to do that role. Anybody else?

A very hard position as a female actress to do that. Super edible. Did anybody else feel it's so strange there's. Their relationship is super weird and gross. Did anybody else think that after the sex scene later, or whatever, she goes, he's leaving or something?

Speaker C
She goes, hey, what's this? And she reaches into the bed and pulls out a handful of feathers. And I was like, did he like jizz feathers? Ew. Did anybody else think that?

No. Were those fat? No, they're just couple that was just leaving. He was leaving those for her. Yeah.

He's what? No, no.

Speaker E
What are you talking about? I might be confused.

Speaker A
I love traveling. I love traveling with my family. And one of the best things about traveling with my family is finding a perfect house. You know, one of those places where you feel like you are at home. And I did find that when I was on my last trip.

Speaker B
That's right. The whole family and I went to upstate New York, and we had an amazing time. Now, I'm going to tell you, the entire time we were away, and it was about ten days, we could have been hosting our place on Airbnb. You know, it's a great way to make a couple extra bucks. And it's easy to host with Airbnb because when you're away, your home could be an Airbnb.

Speaker A
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A quick heads up here. There's something we should all be doing. It's going to improve your life, make every day a little bit better. And that is eat more Reese's peanut butter cups. Yes.

Think about it. All the gurus, all the coaches out there, they've never said the words eat more Reese's. I mean, the combination of sweet chocolate and salty peanut butter, I mean, this is something that brings other people and ourselves joy. That's why there's two in a pack shop. Reese's peanut butter cups.

Now, at a store near you, found wherever candy is sold and often in my pantry because I love these. So at this point in the movie, Jeffrey Jones, right? Oh, we didn't even talk about Jeffrey Jones. Another fish. Jeffrey Jones is, by the way, got.

Speaker B
This part because of his role in Amadeus. They, oh, this is the guy. Really? Yes. Wow.

Speaker C
Okay. So he plays, like, an astrophysicist kind of dude who comes along to say, I think I know what. He justifies everything. We tried out some new laser. It fucked up, so it brought you from your planet, blah, blah, blah, blah.

He tries up, he fires up his laser cannon again or whatever, and then a, like a, what is it? A dark lord of the universe possesses him. An interdimensional demon. Overlord of the universe. Okay.

Speaker B
Who's also a marvel character. Oh, yeah. Oh, yes. He, so he starts acting, I don't know, like, cuckoo crazy, I think is what you describe. Pretty much 100% cuckoo crazy.

First of all, it starts with just like, some muscle. Like, he's like, he'd be like, so anyway, I need to, ooh. And look, we gotta, I don't feel good. I don't feel good. Yeah, he doesn't feel good.

He's a little sweatier. But then it gets worse and worse and worse. It's really bad. And then at a certain point, he says, there is no more Jennings. I am now.

Speaker C
Dot, dot, dot someone else. That is the best line of the whole movie. What? I am, I am now. I am now someone else to be named later.

Speaker B
I'm all s, save that shit. Done writing for the day. Now at this point, Leah Thompson, who is trying to fuck a duck, and the duck are like, stop acting crazy, Jennings. And everybody says he just needs a cup of coffee. Leah Thompson's doing everything.

Speaker D
Okay. And they're also on, like, a crazy car chase. Like, they're like, you know, like, for hours. And he's going nuts. And Leah Thompson is just trying again to be motherly.

Like, you just need coffee. Maybe you need to go to the bathroom. Like, she's just, I don't know. And just to point this out to you guys, he is sweaty. His face is changing proportions.

Speaker E
His face is melting. He's like, well, I trust now. And even when he gets eye lasers. Oh, wait, we just say how he shows. He's powerful.

Speaker C
Yep. Do you have it? Do you have it to show? I don't have it to show. You were gonna explain that.

Oh, yeah, I was going to. So they're at this diner. There is, I don't know, maybe the diner. The diner. There's like, come on.

Speaker D
The diner's amazing. It's Cajun sushi. It's incredible. Yeah, that was, that was a cool, I don't know. I like that.

That's awesome. And Waitita, by the way, there's a wager? Yeah. The one who wears the big glasses, who's one of the best actors I've ever seen. She's one of the ones who's like her so much.

Speaker C
Your kids costume is great. That's terrific. And you're like, oh, man, you are killing it. So great. She reminded me.

Speaker B
I felt like they set up Cajun sushi and. And I wanted it to be, like, egg sashimi or something. They didn't have anything fun with the menu. They just kind of. They did nothing with it.

Speaker C
It was all on the cutting room floor. Yeah, I wish. So he's getting more and more powerful. They're ignoring him. I just want to point out how much they're ignoring him.

Speaker B
Like, his face is changing, and they're like, all right, calm down. And his voice has been like.

Speaker E
He also starts to speak with a russian accent. What? A Russian? Yes. It's not Russian.

Speaker C
That categorically did not happen, guys, I swear. Listen to his voice. He becomes more and more russian as he transforms over.

Are you trying to say there is a subtle cold war subtext to this movie, that the guy that is the bad guy has to turn into a Russian? I mean, is this, like, some red dawn shit drago of this movie? So they're sitting there, and they refuse to acknowledge that he is a dark lord of the universe. They refuse to acknowledge. They keep calling him Jennings.

And then his eyes glow, and a ketchup bottle and a mustard bottle start vibrating. And then everybody's like, whoa, whoa, whoa. What's going on here? And then, like. And those two things explode.

And then everybody's like, uh oh, oh. This guy might mean business, but then condiments beware. But then Howard de Duc is rude to the waitress. They get into a big fight. A huge fight.

Speaker B
The sushi chef is about to cut off its head. Jennings now is at an all powerful, all time high shooting lazy. He's definitely someone else. What? He's definitely someone else.

Definitely someone else. Except that they keep calling him Jennings. Yes. Howard keeps going, hey, Jennings, little help. Here, by the way.

By the way, he has now, at this point, gone past I'm someone else and said, I am an interdimensional demon narcissus, or whatever the fuck his name is. And he's like, wait, wait, did he have a name? He did say his name. Somulus or something. And so he has now named himself.

Speaker C
Wait, isn't that just someone else mashed together? I am someone else. I am someone else. Someone else. Someone else.

My name is someone else and control. Same good. Things are exploding all over the place. He's like controlling a hatchet with his mind to which a patron of the diner turns and goes, he must have had the chili. Yeah.

Yes. Gotta shoot it. Gotta shoot it. He must have had the chili. At which point, then, when they're gonna.

They're also gonna kill. She goes, no, you can't. He's my boyfriend. Yep, record street. How have they gotten, like, are they exclusive now?

Like, what the fuck is happening? I don't think they've consummated this relationship. Oh, and there's also a moment in here where they. When. Before this fight starts, where the truck drivers get angry with Howard, and there's like, um.

Speaker B
Like, I don't even know what it is. It's like some sort of special key that controls a giant laser. But it's like a big. It looks like a garage remote control. It's a big, bulky thing.

Yeah. Garage door opener. Yeah, it's big and it's weird looking. And the truck driver immediately goes, hey, what's this? The key to your duckmobile?

And pops in his pocket. Yeah. By the way, no, it's entirely possible that he would have a duckmobile, although. It looks nothing like a key, but yet he needed to take it like that. The whole reason the fight happens.

So this guy has this. Here's what I wanted to know during the fight. And this diner scene lasts. Everything in this movie lasts way too long.

Speaker C
The airplane scene is easily 25 minutes long. At a certain point, I was like, how long have they been on this fucking airplane? Wait, I bet that small. Whatever that thing. Thing is.

Speaker D
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm calling it an airplane. It is. It's a little one. Oh, at the end of the dining.

Speaker B
Oh, yeah. At the end of the diner scene is a pie fight. But Howard the duck, they can't make Howard the duck throw pies. So Howard the duck can only hold pies, and people can run at him and run into the pies. So that is the pie fight that happens is people who are nearby put their faces in a pie.

Speaker D
Oh. Now that we're in a post avatar world. Oh, my God. All we could have had so much more. Another weird thing about Howard, though.

Speaker E
They established that he can't fly. That ducks. He can't swim either. He can't fly and can't swim. But in the beginning of the movie, when he first lands on earth, he does try to fly.

Speaker C
Excuse me, guys. Guys, describe it. There's a moment where Howard, with his hands, tries to fly along the street. He flaps his hands a number of times as the. He's going to take off.

I don't know where and when. I don't know now. I don't know the time. That doesn't happen because he can't fly on his home planet. That's what I'm saying.

He doesn't fly anywhere. I know, and that's why it was crazy that he tried. So do you think this was maybe blowing himself up? Yeah, I thought because it was raining, he was drying. Yeah, like taking off the rain.

No, I know that maybe he was cleaning his feathers. You think he was trying to fly? There was a moment. He took both hands. So do you think his journey.

Do you think his journey is to flight? Oh, that's like. It's a really good question. Being free. Really good question.

Speaker D
Can I just also quickly to the back to the diner, the moment where they order the special and it's eggs and Howard flips the fuck out. That's what causes the fight. Yeah, the fight is the truck hit on Leah Thompson. What, what is like, what would be the equivalent to us? Would that be like fetus?

Speaker B
What? Embryos. Embryos. Hold on. Would that be like, like.

So just be like fetuses on a. But it would be like ape embryos, right. Or something. Cuz duck chickens aren't chicken, so. But he was like.

Speaker D
I mean he's never been more mad. Except for when Leah talks to him, wouldn't you assume? Because here's the thing. Except for when she tried to help him. Yeah.

Speaker C
I will ask you this. Like, you guys eat eggs, right? Sure. You guys eat the eggs of another species even though your body produces eggs, right. On duck planet are we doing like that's.

Chickens are still just chickens. Well, here's the thing. I don't think on their planet they have other species. Well, we don't eat monkeys. We don't eat monkeys though.

Speaker B
That would be the equivalent. We don't eat monkeys. When he opens his fridge on the planet, there are gummy frogs. Yes. Heats frogs.

Speaker D
So. But I don't know what those frogs were. They were like. They're like gummy bears or gummy worms. Well, they were real.

I would imagine they were candies, I thought. Oh, I thought they were like real frogs though. Well, they were poorly made. Okay, again, another prop from return of the Jedi. That's how to like Joseline bowl or something like that.

I think you kind of get a hint at the humor too. Is it like Jar Jar Biggs was really funny to George Lucas. And this was probably really funny to. Well, yeah, people who say that George Lucas lost it for the new Star wars are wrong. He lost it way earlier.

Speaker B
Way, way earlier. I want to show one of the most disturbing sequences of any film. This is Jeffrey Jones, and he needs electricity.

And I apologize, because it's very visual. So he goes at home, and here's the thing. He needs electricity. He needs electricity. Here we go.

Get ready to be disgusted. All right, so this clip is actually very visual. What you should picture is Jeffrey Jones, a sweaty mess, turning, leering at Leah Thompson. And then from out of his mouth comes a metallic snake. It's kind of like reverse alien.

And it looks like a penis, like a disgusting penis coming out of his mouth. It's going right towards Leah Thompson. And then the last second detours and goes into a car charger and gets electrocuted, and his whole face gets electrocuted. So that's what's happening here now. Now back to the show.

Speaker C
There is a straight up rape tentacle that comes out of his mouth, and. She'S still like, ew, gross. I'm gonna puke. Her reaction is so muted. Lucky for you, that's all he wants to do with that thing.

Speaker B
It would hurt not to touch on the fact that they find a airplane out in the back of the diner for no apparent reason. They, Tim Robbins and Howard just get on and try. And in that flying sequence, Tim Robbins goes from being a good guy to a bad guy back to a good guy again. Like, he's. Like, he's with Howard.

He's not with Howard. He's with Howard again. I feel like Howard is. If Howard is a Christ figure, he is the one who denies Howard. Like, you will deny me three times.

Speaker C
That's what Tim Robbins does. The deep role. He's what? He's handcuffed. He's also handcuffed.

Speaker B
He's handcuffed for pretty much the entire third act of the movie, which is. Essentially three scenes, each of which is 90 minutes long. It feels like if you took out all the chasing, flying, falling, fighting, fighting, the movie would be 15 minutes. Yeah, for sure, too. Tim Robbins's character was at some point, like, during the third act of the movie, going to see Howard as, like, a real, you know, not person, of course, but, like, see that he has an emotional life, is an individual, and not just a science experiment.

Well, you know what? Like, that just never. There's no. It's that kind of performance level that he brought to it that beat Jay Leno out of that part. Jay Leno also.

Speaker C
Really? For that part? Yes. Yes. So Jay Leno, Tim Robbins, head to head.

Jay Leno looked too much like Howard the duck. That's what caused him to not get that part, is that his head was too large and square before. I mean, the third act is kind of inconsequential because it's so fucking boring. But. But I do want to talk about this.

Speaker B
One thing that I think is a big problem, which is the voice of the duck is so. It's so non engaging. Like, I feel like I'm not, like, it doesn't seem like a character that I want to be friends with. It seems like, well, in the comic. I think I'm right.

Speaker C
Correct me if I'm wrong. In the comic, isn't he like, he's a foul mouthed asshole? Foul mouth? Yeah, he's like, he's a dick. Yeah.

He's like, isn't he kind of like a hard boiled detective kind of ass? He's like a smoking. What? Hard boiled. You said boiled.

Speaker D
Hard boiled.

Speaker C
You guys see what's happening here, right? You guys are doing it better than us. He's like, it's like a film noir type thing. Yeah. And I think.

Speaker D
And, like, what? Yeah. Cause he's in a trench coat. Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker C
And at some point, he's in trouble and his goose is cooked. No, no, guys, guys. But that's what makes him excited. I was trying to force that egg citing. I did.

Speaker D
I did some research. The rest of the podcast is just puns and people. That would be Howard the deaf guys. I didn't mean to ruffle your feathers with that last punishment.

Speaker B
I'm glad we could have Kristen on the bill.

Speaker D
Now you feel what it is to. Watch the movie for an hour and 15 minutes. I didn't think that was a Miss joke moments. I did think that was a mis joke when he kept on asking for the check. He should have said the bill.

Speaker B
Yeah, but. But did you guys feel that at all, that his voice wasn't like. He wasn't like, that's a fun voice? I don't know. I mean, like, roger the rabbit has, like, a fun voice and.

And, like, that's a main character? No, he was really boring. Really flat. Really boring. I would have liked Gilbert Godfrey as that character.

You know, like, that kind of a point. I would watch. I would watch that look great. John Cusack and Martin Short did not get the role of the voice. They auditioned for it, and it went to.

Speaker C
To Chip Zinn, who we all know. I liked it also, I liked his voice. You liked his. I thought it was just suited him fine. You know what?

Speaker B
This is why I love the show. Just, I imagined all the fillers, too, because, you know, Chip's in the sound booth, and he's got to do voiceover for hours and hours and hours, and Howard's just looking off in a direction. He's got to, like, add lines. Yeah. His mouth is a lot of the times not moving when he's talking.

Like, oh, is his mouth just not gonna move? And then it does, and then it stops. But there's a lot of time where it's like, it's just. And you hear a whole monologue going on. At a certain point, Jeffrey Jones is running out of power, and so he goes on a tour of a nuclear.

Facility, which he just walks in and wearing a visa. And then he goes in and he, like, sucks the power out of a nuclear. Oh, wait, wait a second. Before on the tour, he is completely deformed now, bald, and someone goes, oh, this guy needs a cup of coffee. Yup.

Speaker D
Just need some coffee. And then he gets completely irradiated, full of power, gets back into the truck with Leah Thompson, at which point I was like, you just got all of the cancer in the world. Like, he is now like a walking radiation bomb. Like anybody. She is sterile instantly.

Speaker C
Right. If I keep getting into this, it's gonna get real funny. Right? The cancer that is going to befall her character within months. By the way, though, why does he need her on this mission?

Because he's gonna use her body. Just bring down one of the other sense. Because the only reason why the overlord got into his body is because he's too ugly, my body too hideous. So. But now he's taking control.

Speaker B
He could bring a hideous person to earth. Yeah. And then he also just comes right out of his body, and he's like this real monster. Like, a real scary monster, like something. Out of Jason and the Argonauts meets, like, the Cloverfield monsters, very claymation and, like.

Yeah, I don't know how to describe it more than it's a blob. It's a blob with a mouth. And I think the mouth is the focal point. Yes. Well, at this point, they must have been like, you know what with the special effect, we're fucking firing on all cylinders.

Speaker C
So let's just go ahead and create this new monster, because we are killing it. Let's complicate this final scene a little bit more. But luckily, there was an irradiation gun they shoot it, and it's good. Done. So that's the movie.

Speaker B
I mean, really, I mean, there's, is there anything to talk about in that third act? That's, I mean, just, it's long. It's not about the third act. What? When they try to take, at 1.1 of the scientists tries to take Howard boxers off.

Speaker C
Yeah. That's uncomfortable. But they don't come off. No. Why not?

So we don't see his dick. But I think, honestly, they try because they. The cop says, the cop says, take off this jerk's suit. Take off the duck suit. Get him out of the duck suit.

So they take off all of his clothes, and then they are. And they're like, there's no zipper. There's no zipper for the duck suit. Yeah, and then he's like, take off his briefs or his shorts or whatever. And then, but then when you see him, he's not naked, but he's skinny.

He's way skinny. And why is he wearing underwear but Donald Duck wears none? Well, that's what I'm saying. They can't take off his boxer. Someone has a line where they say.

Speaker D
No, they can't take off his suit. His duck suit. Yeah. Oh. So they just not.

Speaker C
Wait, did you think they were incapable.

Speaker E
Of. That was affecting what went on with him? Leah, bed. The duck played it. They evolved to have permanent underwear, except for ladies not on top.

I didn't know what was going on. I do. I do this because we were talking about the cops. I want to show probably one of the best written ADR scenes of all time. This is the cops explaining the situation.

Speaker B
Just listen very closely. Here we go. On the devil. Okay. I want this guy.

The suspect is three foot, one inches tall. Oh. Three, two. Thank you. You heard me.

He's armed. That means he's got a weapon. Right? That also means he's dangerous. Wha.

Extremely dangerous. Shoot to kill.

Let's move it out. Come on. Dumbest cops of all time. He is armed. He is dangerous means he's armed and dangerous.

Speaker C
Shoot to kill.

There are a lot of times people have quotes from famous movies in here. There's one line where Tim Robbins, because he's being cheated out of being able to use Howard to advance his scientific career, says, I could have been a contender. I could have been a contender. And then in the next scene, he says, of all the planets in all the world, I had to fall into your. Like, there's so many dumb movie quote lines in here.

And I feel like they thought people were gonna be like, oh, fuck yeah, man. I fucking love these movies. They're referencing like, the writer of this. Movie wrote american graffiti. Yeah.

Speaker B
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. And this. Yeah, I feel like those two guys, like, they had to, like, it was like almost like a bet. One of them lost. And he was like, great.

Speaker C
This is what you're doing. Boom. Howard the Duck. I'm George Lucas. I'm unstoppable.

Speaker B
I used to get Star wars magazine when I was a kid. It was called Bantha tracks. It was almost like a pamphlet. And then all of a sudden, Bantha's track stopped after Return of the Jedi. It was like, howard the Duck.

And it was like three months of Howard the Duck. And I was like, where's Han Solo? Yoda? Where's Yoda? But in the comic, does he.

Speaker E
Does he live on earth? Guys, I think he's a detective. Does he sell crimes? Can a nerd speak for the heart of the duck? Yes.

Speaker C
Nerd with his hand raised, please.

Donald Duck. Wow. So he said Disney sued Marvel and said that he had to wear pants because Donald Duck doesn't wear pants. So that would have been like copyright infringement, I guess. Yeah.

Yeah, you can wear. Okay, great. Well, it's actually great. Let's. Let's actually turn up the house.

Speaker B
Let's go out to the audience, see what they have to say. Oh, nice. Anything that we did not bring up. We normally have many episodes for corrections and omissions, but are there any things that we want to talk about? There's a lot of people wanna talk about this movie.

A lot of. Hands up, sir, what's your name and what's your question? My name is Tony. I'm actually from Cleveland where this is supposed to take place. Wait, you're from.

Speaker C
You're from Cleveland? Cleveland. Cleveland the planet. Is it a planet? We call it the cleave, but we don't at all.

Speaker B
Three things. First one, three things. It's quick. It's gonna be quick. I believe it, Tony, don't you?

Speaker C
He lives. His city, lived through this incident. Let him speak. Here we go. During the flying scene, you see palm trees in the back.

Speaker B
Yes, that's true. No palm trees in Cleveland. I believe that. The second one, too few black people in downtown Cleveland.

I also got an email, I got a twitter, and someone said, please mention that there is no woman as attractive as Leah Thompson in Cleveland. Okay, third thing, the third thing, I actually forgot. Cause I'm kinda nervous about talking. Well, I wanna ask a question. Well, you did a great job.

Speaker E
If you wanna break into the music scene and really, like, boost your music career, do you go to Cleveland to make that happen? Rock and Roll hall of Fame is there. Oh, okay. Souche total. That's great.

Thank you. All right, we'll go over here. Sir, what's your name? What's your question? Here we go.

Speaker B
My name is Jason. My question is. Great name fucking home run. Name, bro. In the name department.

Speaker C
Killing it. So in the end, pretty much the end scene when they kill the big alien thing, right? Then they tell Howard that he has to blow up the laser. So, you know, and she says, oh, but then you can never go home. But he blows it up anyways.

Speaker B
Was there not just, like, a button they could push or something to turn it off rather than have to pull off the whole thing? The very good question. I'm sorry, so you want to know. You want to know why. Why there isn't an emergency off button?

Why do you need to destroy the technology instead? Like, why? Like. Yeah. Keep in mind this is a laser that at one point, when it goes off, it goes off poorly, which burns half of one man's face, leading him to say, hold, please.

Speaker C
Hold please. Oh, God. Why isn't this. Where is it? What did I.

Oh, guys, this happened. Hold on. Mark this. We'll edit it all out. We have no right to temper with the universe.

Worth it. Worth it? I think so. And by the way, his face is burned. We have no right to tamper with the universe.

Speaker E
Leah Thompson and Howard run into the room. He just came out of. Everybody. It's evacuating because the thing is burning people's faces and they're like, we gotta get in there. I wanna get a lady's perspective.

Speaker B
Ma'am, what is your question? Hi, my name is Denise. I have two things. One, can we discuss why this movie is rated pg? Yes.

Big question. First one. And then the second thing is, apparently the writer. Sorry. The director and producer married.

Speaker C
They conceptualized this idea and they originally wanted to shoot it in Hawaii just because they thought it would be a. Fun place to shoot. Yes, yes. Yeah, I read that. And they went to Hawaii and didn't read any reviews as soon as it came out.

Speaker B
Yeah, they made a bad choice. Like, to start off this. Let's just shoot in Hawaii would be fun. That's a bad choice. Work backwards from there.

Speaker C
Unless you just created Magnum PI, that should not be how you operate. I mean, again, this is a Marvel comic book that takes place in Cleveland. So it's a very big. Throwing out everything to say, what I. Read on the wikipedia is that they went to film school with George Lucas, and George Lucas brought it to them.

Speaker D
It brought the copy. Like, what do you think? And then, and then Paul explained that he had to shoot at live action, all this stuff. So they kind of got pulled into this, but also, they really fucked it up. Oh, yeah.

Speaker B
Does anyone know if they're still married? They are. Okay, good. Mom. Love rules.

Speaker C
Anybody else think, oh, wait, this is just, this is a comedy nerd insider weird thing. When Howard the Duck lands on earth, he goes into a club where Leah Thompson's gem in the holograms band is playing and the doorman looks exactly like Paul Rust. Anybody? Yeah. All right, good.

Thank you. For 1 second, I was like, oh, Paul Rust is in the snow. That's impossible. I said it out loud. But then I started to think maybe Paul Rust is ageless and he's been acting for a long time.

Okay, that does bring up something. A really common rumor is that he is a Highlander. We'll get into that on next episode. Your question right here. It's an explanation.

Okay. Oh, great. Oh, no. I need you guys. Oh, okay.

Speaker B
Bad. So. So it's an explanation. Hope. Also known as a question.

Very good. Yeah. So fuck you. So fuck you, dummy. All right.

Go ahead with your explanation, hopefully. Oh, here we go.

Speaker C
This better be awesome. Oh, God. At the end of the movie, all this stuff has happened, and he says, I need this like I need another tail. And no one know what that means. Well, I'm gonna just go out on a limb and say that that's probably the least offensive thing that he says, like a lady.

Speaker B
Like, I need that. Like I need another hand or I need another head. Like I need a hole in the head, I guess. Yeah, a hole in the head. He's just saying, one thing I will.

Speaker E
Say about their tails is I did think it was interesting that they're that in on the duck planet. Their costumes or their wardrobe. Their wardrobe. Wardrobe does not give them everyday civilian clothes. Has a hole cut in the pants.

Speaker D
For the tail, as do all of. The clothes he has on Earth. He's very good with a pair of scissors when he's shoplifting from, from the tiny. The tyke section of goodwill. He said the tiny tyke.

Speaker C
Yeah, he also. Yeah, go ahead. Sorry. All right, question here. Question.

Speaker B
Where are some questions? Okay, right here. Yeah. We haven't had anybody with a beard ask a question. Go ahead.

Speaker C
If these ducks lay eggs, why do they have breasts? Good question. That's a great explanation. Hope, are we sure? Wait, wait.

Speaker D
What? He was saying, if the ducks lay eggs, why do they have breasts? I think maybe the planet is so advanced that they come out of the egg and then they're like, I am still hungry for a good breast milk.

Speaker C
That's smarter. Stock and buy magazines. There's no proof, by the way, that his planet, they lay eggs. We have not seen anyone lay an egg. I don't know.

Howard also does say. Howard also does say that he went to med school and his parents wanted him to be a plastic surgeon. Yeah, do it. Putting. Doing titty jobs.

Doing boob. Boob jobs. Maybe that's how they get them. Yeah, you're off mic. No one can hear you.

Speaker B
Hold on, I gotta get back there. All right, your question. Well, this was just a very weird throwaway line when. When Jeffrey. Jeffrey Jones has become irradiated and he's blowing up all the cars.

He's blowing up all the cars because traffic is all backed up. And traffic is all backed up because. The highway patrolmen are doing a routine smog check. That is the great question. Something that I noticed as well.

And I thought, oh, that's just something that happened in the eighties, right? Smog checks. You're bringing that up like it's not totally normal, bro. I get stuff for routine smog check all the time. You go, one more.

One more. One more question. You come here. You come closer. Here we go.

All right, here's your question. One more. This is our final question. Better be good. Don't blow it.

Your name, your favorite Jason Statham movie, and your question. Go. My name is David. My favorite Jason Statham movie is in the name of the king, a dungeon siege tale. All right, good.

Good answer. Good answer. Terrible choice, but it is an answer. Uh oh. He's pulling out his iPhone.

He wrote it down. Paul, get away from him. Paul, get away from him. His tongue is coming out of his mouth. Paul, no.

Oh, God. There's no energy in my ass. All right, if there is a George washing duck on Howard's $1 bill and his apartment is decorated with those posters, then are we to believe that every duck has some sort of human analog on earth? If that's true, then is there a Howard the human on the duck planet? Whoa.

That was an amazing question.

Speaker D
Not goosebumps like I like. Actually that goosebumps. Killing it. If I had a prize, you would get it. Killing it, bro.

Speaker B
Hey, that was amazing. That was a good question. That's how you do it. That's how you do an explanation. That's hope.

Speaker C
That's how. Yeah, that's well done. And for everybody at home, I would say. I want to tell you, there's one thing here. Sorry.

Speaker B
Okay. The whole movie. You're right, has these things. It's like breeders of the Lost Ark, you know, my little chickadee. But then, on the wall, flash dance.

Oh, was. Wow. But still not a duck pun.

Speaker C
Sort of splashing.

I'll allow it. Let us have it, Paul. You guys got it. You're going, counselor, and I'll allow it. Is there any way.

Speaker E
Do you have the dvd in there? And can we look for the moment when he tries to fly? All right. I do have the dvd in here. He's walking through the streets.

Speaker B
Okay. He's just landed in Cleveland. It's after this. Was that it? Was that it?

Speaker E
That's not it. That's not it. Wait, so we found where he flaps his arms and that wasn't it. That's it. I'm telling you, that's not it.

Speaker B
June. He was knocking. Out of the way there. Wait, wait. I'm talking.

Home run. We are the champion, my friend. No, no. Have this man removed. June.

Speaker C
Where is it from, everybody? For those listening on the podcast, he got 1 million high fives. I think it's after he comes out of the club and after the rape scene. Oh, wait, that's okay. I think it's when he's walking.

Speaker E
It's a moment where he's walking along with her, almost listless, and he tries to fly. He goes from listless to fly. Do you have the. Okay, I'll find this on my own time, I promise. No, no, no.

Speaker C
We're gonna take as long as it. Oh, wait. I bet it's this. I bet it's this. And it's cause he's shaking off the water.

Speaker D
Water off the duck's back.

Speaker C
That's it, right? That's not it. No, no. That's not it. No.

Speaker E
Go back to when he first left. That's not it.

Speaker B
All right, we'll just fast forward to. When he's on the streets. By the way, I can make it. She's here. Right there.

Right fucking there. Thank you.

Speaker D
Wow. Way to go, June.

Speaker B
That was great. I'm breaking my fingers. Wow. Wow. Wow.

June did it. You did it. June was right. June was right. He did try to fly.

Too bad we'll have to edit that out for the real show.

Speaker C
Oh, my God. That was amazing.

People stood up. That was amazing, Junior. Well, you were right. That looked like a flight. That looked like flight.

Speaker B
Obviously we had an opinion about this movie, but now it is time for a second opinion.

These are five star reviews told from Amazon. I will say there is one similarity to these reviews and I will read it to you and I'll tell you from S. Granger, writer and dad. He writes, I understand why someone who is looking for a great film would be disappointed. Fair enough.

Speaker C
Howard the duck. Howard the Duck is no saving Private Ryan or English patient. I'm listening. Thankfully, not all films are, because then we'd be really bored. What Howard the duck is, is entertainment.

Speaker B
It's a guy in a duck suit. It's pretty funny and refreshingly enjoyable. Five stars.

Now I will now go on to say I read numerous reviews that slammed saving Private Ryan and hoisted this up. I don't understand what the correlation is. Bob Granger, no. Saving Private Ryan. No.

Speaker D
Written by Granger. Oh, no, no. By other people. Multiple people said, yeah, it's still saving Private Ryan, but we're like, why do we need that man? They didn't come out at the same time, did they?

Speaker C
No, not at all. Right.

Speaker B
Spielberg. Oh, Spielberg. But he's not involved in this. What that plays, I guess. Yeah, I guess.

I guess. Here's another one from Kevin Pitchford. He goes, KP. I know a lot of people think I'm crazy, but this is my favorite George Lucas film.

Maybe it was the fact that I gravitated towards being a small person in a strange, foreign world that has yet to understand that I related to my childhood. But the best movies are the ones where you watch them and the movie never changes. But as you watch it at a different age and different point in your life, you notice so much more. Whoa. I can't explain my fondness of Howard the duck, but I love this movie.

Some deep shit is going on over here. The rest are all very positive. There's a lot of people who love this movie, and it seems unironically I'm not one of them. Yeah, this movie is terrible. Would you recommend anyone to watch it?

Speaker D
I kind of just wasn't. So long. So long. Yeah, I had to watch it in two nights. Like, I had to take a break.

I had to take a break. You have to take a knee in the middle of it. Just like Jaden Smith in after earth. Take a knee.

Speaker C
The movie, it just is bananas. It makes no sense. There is no there. You're not doing anything. And the fact that it goes on for so long makes it, like, not enjoyable in the.

This is stupid, right? It just is like, is this stupid thing still happening to me. Yeah, I feel like they were tackling so much because it should have been an animated film. So I like that it's like, what? And we got, you know, that's cool.

Speaker D
But at the same time, it's like the word. Did they not have it in the system of Hollywood in 1986 where they would get Patton Oswald in to punch up the script? I mean, why was it allowed to be so not funny all the time? I think. I think the issue was, there's two issues at play number one, lucas was like, I made Star wars, so this is gonna be great.

Speaker B
Like. And everyone's like, yeah. Now people are like, okay. Like, but, like, this is a great story. They said the film was optioned by Universal.

They lobbied so hard to get this because the head of the studio had passed on all these other George Lucas projects that had gone on to be hugely successful. So he's like, I'm gonna get this one. This is the one I'm gonna get. And he got it without even reading the script, and. And then he was promptly fired.

But it seems to me like, you. Don'T have to read the script. The title should give you enough. I wanted a whole movie on the Duck planet. The duck planet would be great, right?

Speaker D
Yeah, the duck planet. Would it be. I would like the duck planet. Also. Howard, in the right moon, like, or in the comic book, Howard, you know, had a real distinct personality.

He was gruff. He was existential. He was. He was cool. And then they wanted to make him likable in the movie, but they didn't quite do.

So he's just sort of like middle of the road. Everything's kind of like middle of the road. Yeah. And just perverted. Yeah, it's pervertedness goes through this movie.

Speaker B
That's the. If there's a through line, it's pervert. Yeah. Like, there's just a guy with big, chunky frames and a trench coat, like, going, yeah, more of this. Yeah.

Like, he was the Patton Oswalt of his day. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then his tongue comes out. Patton is a real pervert. I'm saying he was.

He was the equivalent of punching up the script, but they had a pervert, not Patton. Wow. Wow, guys, you heard it here. You heard it here. You're really taking the.

Speaker C
Taking. Patton taking pats. Yeah, no, there is, like, the duck titties, which we talked about a lot. I did. Especially happens within the first three minutes of the movie.

Like, you, movie he opens. It's a PG movie, not 13, not 13. He opens the movie open because you. See titties, but they're duck titties. Yes.

Speaker B
And they're puppet titties. Like you've never seen Miss Piggy's titties. But according to the grading standards of this movie, you could. Yeah.

Speaker C
In a way that is sexualized because she's in a bath and she's singing. Like I'm in love. Is that it? No, she's, like, masturbating under those bubbles. Absolutely.

Speaker E
But she's also singing. Wait, did. Did who. Did Danny Elfman do the music for this? No, who did.

Speaker B
Oh, Thomas Dolby. Thomas Dolby. That's right. Because everything sounded kind of oingo boingo y, and I thought it might have been Danny elf. Well, here is the best way to end any movie is great when it ends with a musical number.

And here is just a bit. A bit of that musical number. Here we go.

All right, Betty Mechanical. We're going to release the big quavo. Ready? Q and go. Stay for you, my race.

Speaker D
We call him Howard. Howard. Howard. Yeah. Help me out.

Speaker B
Release that rope there. Catch up. And I'm. Just. Pause it right there, because basically, this is the best ending of any movie.

They've become hugely famous. Singing a song about their adventures. Jim Robbins, who was a scientist, is now, like, a steakhouse stage master. They have become. Yeah, they're hugely famous.

Howard the duck is like a powerful manager in this world. He is dressed like Dodd Johnson. Yes. Everything has worked out for these people in the best of ways. And I think that if, you know, when you do that in a movie, hey, come on.

You gotta leave with a smile on your face. Or hate in your heart. And then the end of the movie is basically Leah Thompson. Him kind of huddle off to the side of the stage and go like, hey, let's do this. Let's do it.

Let's make duck babies. Like, let's make a hybrid form of life. And that was Tobey Maguire, and that's what happened at Largo. A big thanks to Kristin Schaal. She was amazing.

So good. You can follow me on Twitter, all shear. You can follow June. Jason is not on Twitter. And for those of you that have been reading aliens versus Parker, a brand new issue is coming out July 3.

Definitely check that out. We will see you next time. Bye bye.

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Speaker C
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Matinee Monday: Howard the Duck LIVE! (w/ Kristen Schaal)

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1: Introduction

2: The Plot

3: Special Effects and Production

4: Evolutionary Comedy

5: Final Thoughts

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