Tiffany Haddish Returns

Conan O'Brien
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That's why you need Robert half. Yup. I don't think that's a person. That's the company. Okay, I was confused.

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No offense, Sona. Oh, I feel like you did mean to offend me. Yes. You wouldn't be here if I had had Robert half. Visit roberth.com today.

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Tiffany Haddish
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Tiffany Haddish
Hi, my name is Tiffany Haddish, and I feel exuberated about being Conan O'Brien's friends. I feel exuberated now, too.

Fall is here hear the yell back to school ring the bell brand new. Shoes walk and lose climb the fence. Books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends. I can tell that we are gonna be friends hey, there. Welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a friend podcast.

Conan O'Brien
Well, that gives and gives and gives. Sitting here with Sona movsesian. Hey, Sona. Hi. And of course, Matt Gorley.

Matt Gourley
What's up, juicer? Well, I'll tell you something. I am the juicer. Yeah, just put an orange in me, and you will get that sweet, sweet, sweet nectar of the gods. I'm very happy.

Conan O'Brien
I'm feeling in a good mood these days. You know, I just saw Eduardo putting the mics in. He was connecting them before we got started isn't the way reporters have, like, a little thing on their mic that says little signage? Yeah, yeah. Little NPR thing.

Yeah. And I was thinking, would we ever have that? Would we ever have a little, you know, Conan O'Brien needs a friend signage. And then I started thinking, like, no, around the little microphone part. But then follow this.

I started thinking, why does it have to be that? Wouldn't it be cool if it said NASA? Oh, now we're talking. Do you know what I mean? I like this.

Like, there's no reason. First of all, NASA may complain, but I don't think they're gonna want that lawsuit. Should we also just dress in white sleeve button ups with black ties? Yes. Can we talk about science?

No. That's the best part. We still talk the same old gibberish and bullshit that we always talk. But we're wearing white coats and it says NASA, but we're just talking. All three of us get flat tops.

Okay, I'll get a buzz cut. Yeah. I will say you just want the look. You're not saying anything about this is. There's no.

Tiffany Haddish
But. I think it'd just be a cool look online, and people would see it, and there'd be a moment of. I should probably pay attention. It's NASA. Because I grew up with a real reverence for NASA.

Conan O'Brien
You probably did, too. It's NASA. I didn't. I remembered my. Well, you don't believe in space, do you?

Sona Movsesian
Yeah, I don't think space even exists. Yeah, you're a flat earther. I am. I. You think the world ends at Glendale?

Why Glendale? There's just a drop. While we're talking, can you just bring. Up some video of, like, a rocket trajectory or something? Yeah, and I'm not kidding.

Matt Gourley
I would say something with telemetry. I would say, here's what I'm thinking, guys. Follow me on this little signage here that says NASA. We dress as if we're talking about real things. Behind us, there's that big, flattened out globe that has the curved telemetry of reentry.

Conan O'Brien
And people are gonna stop, and they're gonna think, I gotta check this out. It's important. Yeah. I'm so sorry. And then it's gonna be us, you know, Sona dishing on some celebrity that she used the bathroom just after, you know.

Ooh, do you know what I mean? Those kind of stories that you tell that are awful, but you're making it. Seem as though people are, like, flipping through channels where they can see us. This is an audio medium. And then also on YouTube, like, people specifically.

Son, I understand you used a bathroom recently just after Wink Martindale had been in it. Yeah. Week. Martindale. Well, I'm sorry.

Tiffany Haddish
Yeah. Of all the celebrities. Oh, I'm sorry. You're probably gonna want some new reference, like Ghost killer McGee. Oh, look, we're getting a blast off right now.

Sona Movsesian
This is exactly what NASA would be watching. This is so cool. That's great. A YouTube video. You know what?

I love you just probably search NASA. Let me describe for the audio audience. Imagine that we're wearing white coats. A shuttle has just launched. I think I'm onto something where, yes, people seem to enjoy our brand of foolishness.

Conan O'Brien
Podcast is doing very well. It's a big podcast, but we do little things like that every now and then. And why not? It just changes it up. Yeah, I think it's totally fine to impersonate government employees.

It's totally cool to do that. No. No. What? You know, we have to take this off because Matt is just watching the solid booster rocket separate.

You better take it off, Eduardo. It's a child watching bluey. Yeah. Did you put on, like, James Bond? No.

Nothing more. Nothing more. Nothing more. You have such a sixties version of what NASA people look like. We should have white.

Yeah. Have you watched them recently? They're all tatted up. Yeah, they're cool. Hey, you know what I mean?

Tiffany Haddish
I've heard before. I don't think I. Now I think it's all SpaceX and stuff. What is NASA up to these days? The minute when they said, we're going to the moon again, I thought, huh?

Sona Movsesian
And they're rovering. They're doing the rovers. Uh oh. Blay is all excited. Cause he has something he wants to say.

He has an erection. Solid rocket booster ignition. All right. Actually, something cool is they just recontacted Voyager one. It was sending gobbledygook, and then they fixed it, and now it's sending back everyone's.

Conan O'Brien
I had an uncle like that. I had an uncle like that. He was speaking complete gibberish. We wrote him off, and then he came around and he started talking sensibly again. So they did that.

Turned out it was too much zinc in his pudding. It's the furthest man made object. It's the farthest thing we've ever humans have ever seen billions of miles away. I'm glad you're not a spokesperson. Can you imagine Blay as a spokesperson for NASA?

Okay, today we just sent the farthest. I mean, it's such a far. You wouldn't know. It's a thing that goes out, but it's. Sir, can you tell us.

Please be specific. He was sending us gobbledygook. He was sending us gobbledygook and now I'm explaining it in gobbledygook. Yeah, this voyager one was just sending us a lot of B's, but now it's way, way out there. It's really groovy.

Anyway, I thought by invoking NASA we could assume sort of more of a serious mantle. Maybe people would take us a little more seriously and it would make the comedy really pop. Yeah, I think that would only work if we just stopped talking. What, like if we just didn't talk and just sat here looking like NASA? Because the moment we do talk, it is just a lot of pooping.

Give it a shot. Try to talk like NASA. Yeah, yeah, let's hear that Sona. Let's hear you do your NASA talk. Go ahead.

Tiffany Haddish
Okay, do NASA talk. Hey, listen, we're cutting away to NASA now to hear what's. Can I have your pen? What am I going to do with that? That looks technical.

Conan O'Brien
And we're cutting away to rocket propulsion specialist Doctor Sona Movsesia. Thank you, Mister O'Brien. We just want to make sure the trajectory of our reentry is penetrating the atmosphere at just the right thrust. And we have orbits? Yes, we do.

Matt Gourley
How many orbits do we have? A couple. We have two orbits. You're talking about the occipital orbits that hold the eye jelly. Yes, we have, we have that.

Sona Movsesian
We do the orbit and then there's a dwarf planet. That is Pluto. We call them little person. Not even. I don't know if you got the memo.

That's what our research is based on. No, it's still a planet. It's still a planet. Is it a planet? It's not a planet anymore.

Conan O'Brien
What isn't? Pluto. Pluto's not a planet anymore. Okay? I could care less.

Tiffany Haddish
Well, you're at. You work at NASA. We were doing a whole NASA thing. No, you're at NASA. I'm still celebrity obsessed Conan O'Brien with the latest on Ghostface killer.

Conan O'Brien
Oh boy. Cause I got a right rap. That's a hard rap. Cause no one knows what's going on out there more than me. I know about rap with Ghostface killer.

What was he in? Wu Tang? That's right, Wu Tang in the house. I'm gonna go with more believable Sona NASA than you, rap guy. Yeah, I'm better at impersonating NASA than you are at pretending to know pop culture stuff.

Ridiculous. I just came back from a vanilla ice concert where I was there with ghostface killer. You were with him? He was just with you? What's that like in the audience together?

Yes. Oh, okay. I sat on his shoulders. That's the sports guy. What's that?

Oh, yes. Someone's got the ball and they're not giving it back. Get ready for some hot action as these men put on tight shoes and run around getting grins from the people. This is the worst opening ever. I'm writing down worst opening ever.

You know what's good? You know what I think is the good thing about a terrible opening? A terrible opening means we'll never go this low again. And now we can. You know when you touch the bottom of the pool and you push back up again?

You okay? Sona, what's the matter? He put so much effort into it, and then he stopped. He went into a. Like a sugar.

Like a sugar crash. I also like. Can I say one thing? Long after, minutes after we turned off the screen that was showing the NASA footage, I swear to God, I'll do an impression. Gourley wasn't talking, but was still looking at this blank screen, waiting for something else to come.

Tiffany Haddish
I just. I'm just. Elsewhere? Yes, elsewhere. You're elsewhere in the best way.

Conan O'Brien
Anywhere but here. I'm actually crying. You are crying. Oh, my God. Don't be sad.

It's all fine now. You can go home to Altadena now. Just don't drive too far or off the face of the earth. Peace out. All right, my guest today.

My guest today is an Emmy award winning actress and comedian who has starred in such movies as girls Trip and Haunted Mansion. Now, she has a new memoir titled I curse you with Joy. That's a great title. I curse you with joy. Very excited.

She's here with us today.

I'm a huge fan, too. Tiffany Haddish. Welcome.

You have a problem with my skin? You walked in the door, first of all. Yes, you did. I don't have a problem with your skin. Okay?

Tiffany Haddish
I love your skin color. You are multicolored. Okay? It's beautiful, beautiful colors. You are the color of every human on this planet.

Okay? You got all the colors. I'm just concerned about how dry. Yeah. Your skin is.

It looks like I could scratch the side of your hand and skin would just flake off. Yeah. And that tells me you don't have lotion in your bathroom. No, we don't have lotion. You need moisturizer.

Conan O'Brien
My wife moisturizes all the time, and I won't do it. It's just not in my nature to moisturize. I've got, like, chicken claws. I bet when you touch her, it feels like just a cat's tongue all over her body. Oh, it does.

Tiffany. It's been so long that I can't remember. No. She keeps me away because every now and then I'm feeling a little ranked, and I'm like, hey, Liza. And I put up these claws, and it's over.

Right? She's will not get. Don't touch me. Yeah, don't touch me. See, you do.

Tiffany Haddish
You put the soap right there next to this faucet, and right next to that soap, there should be some hand lotion. Okay, we got. So you wash your hands. Can we get on this, please? And a little bit of hand lotion, and then that way you'll be moisturized and she'll want you to touch her.

Conan O'Brien
Okay. I thought I'd do it. I was gonna say Tiffany. A lot more Tiffany. There are other barriers, and with all.

Tiffany Haddish
These multicolors of skin that you have, you need to preserve it as best as possible. You are the united colors of Venice. You are every human, bro. You know what's so funny? We did a travel show, and I went to Haiti.

Conan O'Brien
Remember this? I went to Haiti and all these beautiful children in Haiti. And afterwards, it would have been like, about, I don't know, 1011. And I was wearing a short sleeve shirt. And afterwards they gather around and they're all looking at my arm, all the freckles, and they were looking at me, and they looked up at me like, are you going to be okay?

Tiffany Haddish
They probably were amazed. Like, he's a kaleidoscope of colors. He's everything. He's so many things. How are you, by the way?

I'm pretty damn good. I'm really happy. Yeah, I'm great. You look beautiful. Thank you.

I washed today and moisturized and put on some paint. I painted myself for you today. Well, I did not moisturize, as you can tell. Yeah. I try to be cute for you, man.

You're my friend. Oh, thank you so much. Even though you don't call me or come to any of my events or. And I don't have your phone, but it's cool. Well, I do call.

Not me. Your people told me to stop calling. You haven't called me, though. Oh, well, you're hard to get to. But I thought I gave you my number the last time I saw you.

Conan O'Brien
I didn't think you did. You did not. You did not give me digits. Cause I always text with people that give me digits. You did not give me digits.

And I think you started to, and then you saw a pile of dry skin around my feet, and then it was 5555.

Just way too many. So much to talk about. First of all, I want to congratulate you on your book. I curse you with joy. How long have you been working on this book for?

Tiffany Haddish
I've been working on the book for about. Well, I mean, it's your life. It's your life. Yeah. Working on it for 44 years.

Yeah, but consider, like, actually working on the book. Actively working on it. It's been three years. Yeah. Some people write a book and you think, okay, some stuff's happened in their life.

Conan O'Brien
You write a book, and I feel like everything's happened in your life. No, not everything. I haven't, like, money hasn't been, like, dropped upon me, like, raining. Okay, well, that's hundreds of dollars just raining on me, and I'm just, like, I haven't, like, swam, like, Scrooge McDuck and coin. Okay, that's coming, that's coming, that's coming.

But I love that you said, I want to be bathed in hundreds of dollars. You gotta aim higher than hundreds of dollars. I mean, we could do that today, I feel. Yeah. Like, yeah, go out, get $300 in $1 bill.

Tiffany Haddish
Make it rain. Make it rain. But, I mean, there's obviously some dark stuff. There's so much funny stuff in your book. It really is a testament to, like, you're here.

Conan O'Brien
You are so funny, and it's kind of a gift that you're letting people see how you got to this point. Yeah, well, you know, I feel like there's no manual on how to be a star. Right. Which I wish there was, like, a proper etiquette on how to do interviews, proper etiquette on how to behave at award shows or how to behave at this thing or that event. Like, there's no, like, rule books.

Tiffany Haddish
So it's like, okay, I'm just gonna be me. And this is my way of saying, like, these are the ups and downs of what I've experienced, and I've learned some valuable lessons, and some of them were hard, but here's the funny in it. Like, here's the joy in it. You proved this thing that I've always thought about, which is if you have a certain ability, it's going to hit you one way or the other, no matter what you're immersed in. I didn't know that you were a Jehovah's Witness.

I wasn't baptized. I wasn't. You were baptism. But I was around it. You were around it.

I wasn't inducted. I didn't have, like, a blood card or nothing, but definitely. Well, as someone with a blood card, I can tell you. But you had the. You have a blood card?

Conan O'Brien
No, I don't. I stole it. I get a lot of blood cards. I just take them. But you were around it, and there's a performance aspect to being a Jehovah's Witness, and you were doing that and thinking, I like this part of it.

Right? Yeah. And then you started to say, oh, there's another way to do this. There's another application. It's called comedy clubs.

Tiffany Haddish
Yeah, yeah. I mean, and so the nickel drops for you there. You took that experience and said, wait a minute, I really love this part of it. So you knew from a fairly early age. I like being in front of people.

I love being in front of people. I love making them laugh. I love sharing information that it could be true, it could not be true. I'm not sure. But, you know, they're enjoying it.

Like, bringing people joy is, like, my favorite thing in the world. Even, like, if I'm walking down the street and I see somebody coming, you know, you see them and they, like, got that sour face, and they look like they're having the most horrible day, I'll smile at them, like, super big, and they're like. They kind of, like, smirk back, and then it's so funny. Cause you can hear them, like, ten steps later. Was that Tiffany Haddish?

That's really nice. And then, like, changed their mood, you know, I just. I love being able to do that in a positive way. That's really. I mean, I smile like that at strangers and they get creeped out.

Conan O'Brien
Always have. You're a giant, so I know. You know, you mentioned there's so much to talk about. I'm gonna jump all over the map. But I love.

I've always been a little obsessed with the movie face off, and recently I watched it again, and we showed it to my son, and he was like, oh, my God, this is face off. Nicolas Cage, John Travolta. You have in your book this insane story, and you have a very intimate connection to the movie face off. Yes. Yes.

Tiffany Haddish
My first orgasm.

Because of the movie or just not because of the. It's circumstantial. You know how, like, sometimes you're hooking up with somebody and that's in the back. Like a movie's in the background. Face off is always.

It's not. Wait, were you. So it was on tv? No, it was in a movie theater. Oh, for Christ sake.

It was in a movie theater. You broke Conan. You're in the theater. I'm in the theater. And, you know, it was barely anybody there.

It was the last show of the night, and it was like, nobody in there. And me, and I was on a date. Me and this guy, we were at the back of the theater, and, you know, we're making out and stuff. And then he starts, you know, feeling around fiddly diddly Dee. You know, little fiddly fiddly diddly dee.

Little fiddly diddly Dee. Fiddly diddly Dee. If you kids out there are listening, that's a little nursery rhyme for ya. And now I should like to perform. Fiddly diddly dee on you.

Conan O'Brien
So. Okay. And then, you know, I'm enjoying it. Eyes closed. And then I'm feeling this, like, crazy sensation through my body.

Tiffany Haddish
And I open my eyes, and it's like Nicolas Cage eyes is looking into my eyes. Yes. Like this. Like, ugh. And I'm like, whoa.

Conan O'Brien
So you have your first orgasm, and you're looking at a giant Nicolas cage face. That's complicated. Yes. In eyeballs, the most beautiful eyes ever seen. But it's actually John Travolta who you're looking at.

That's the weird thing, right? Okay, don't take us down that way. No, no, not in that part of the movie. Jesus Christ. You're just going by the film, which.

Matt Gourley
I think is important. Yeah, sure. That's what we're all focusing on right now. Okay, so maybe it's John Travolta's face. Miss Nicholas K's.

Tiffany Haddish
Whatever it was, it was his number one. Definitely his eyes. I have got to get us out. Of this side alley and back onto the highway. Many years later, okay.

Many, many years later, I'm shooting a movie with Nicolas Cage. Oh, my God. And it's during pandemic, and so he's wearing his mask, and all I'm seeing is those eyes. Okay. And I know my lines, I know my stuff, but I am so, like, my brain is going back to that moment.

Conan O'Brien
Sure. Like, I'm remembering all of that moment, and I need to be focused on right now. And I was having the hardest time focusing on right now because my, like, it's like, oh, man, those are the eyes. Those are the eyes we saw. And it's like, stop it body, stop it mind.

Tiffany Haddish
Like, focus on this. They're paying us millions of dollars to be here right now. And I'm, like, having the hardest time. And then I just had to tell him, and I felt like you told him? I was like, this is probably the most inappropriate thing.

Like, it was no way for me to, like, fun. Like, I couldn't function. I couldn't communicate. I couldn't do my job. And I was just like, yo, I gotta tell you something.

It's very inappropriate. I probably shouldn't tell you at all, but I'm not gonna be able to do my job if I don't tell you, and you might be offended by it. I don't know, but I gotta tell you. And so he was like, all right, Paul, what's going on? Oh, yeah, okay.

And I tell him the story, and he burst out laughing. And he was like, you know what's crazy is my first wife, she saw me in a movie, and she said, that's gonna be my husband one day. And we ended up getting married. I said, well, I'm gonna tell you right now, ain't no fiddling no beans over here, okay? That's not gonna be happening over here.

But I just needed to tell you that so that I could do my freaking job. And then once I was able to, like, get that off my chest, it was like, okay, now we can get to work. You are so delightfully. And we became friends. Like, we became friends.

And it's so funny. Cause all the other cast members, like, how'd you get him to. He talks to you all the time. He's so cool with you. He doesn't talk to us.

And, like, he would give me money advice, and tell me about, like, this is the ups and downs of the business and this and that and all these different things. I met his fiance at the time. We talked on the phone. I speak Japanese, so I was able to talk to her a little bit. And so, like, we became, like, really cool.

And everybody's like, how'd you do it? What did you say to your mom? Was like, I just told him a story about my experience, and we've been cool ever since. And they're like, he's mean. I'm like, he's not mean.

He is a nice person. He is a cool person. They're like, well, that's not what we're experiencing. I'm like, well, you don't have no good stories to tell.

Conan O'Brien
I gotta say, everywhere I go, people are talking about Monopoly. Go. And for good reason it's an absolute hit. Yeah, I love Monopoly. People love Monopoly.

And look, Monopoly's been around for a very long time. It's one of the oldest board games ever. Okay, okay. But lately, I walk around and I just hear like, monopoly, go. Monopoly, go, Monopoly, go.

And I'm like, hey, what's going on? What are you guys talking about? And they say, we're playing Monopoly, go. You can play it with your family, your friends. It's a straight delight.

There's always something new to do. Partner events where you can build on each other's boards and crazy tournaments with team events you can recruit your friends for. Or you can just compete to outdo them all on the leaderboards. And when you're not messing with your family and friends, Monopoly go is always throwing new stuff at you. They have taken Monopoly to the next level.

I didn't think Monopoly had to go to the next level, but they did. There's timed events like massive multipliers for all your winnings and challenges, treasure hunts or money sprees that have fun, new mini games. Plus, with tons of rewards to collect, like stickers for trading with friends, and hilarious emojis that are perfect for gloating. There's always a reason to dip back in. Yeah, man, they cracked it.

You know they did. So join the fun. Download monopoly go now free on the App Store and Google Play.

Conor, Brian needs a friend who's sponsored by ADT. Now. ADT professionally installs Google Nest products so your home is safe and smart. You can check in on your home and manage your security systems from virtually anywhere. Google Nest cams can tell the difference between a person, an animal, a vehicle, or with the Nest doorbell, even a package.

You can know that there's a package out there and not a person. You don't have to do anything. Yeah, sometimes a person rings the doorbell and I think it's a package anyway. And with Nest aware as part of your monthly ADT service, you can get 30 days of event video history. Even smarter notifications, like when a familiar or unfamiliar face is seen.

Plus when every second counts. You can trust ADT's 24/7 professional monitoring. You can view video of an alarm event and verify or cancel an alarm with just a tap. I'm always setting off alarms accidentally. This is helpful for me.

Tiffany Haddish
Oh, good. When the most trusted name in home security adds the intelligence of Google, well, you got a home with no worries. Go to adt.com today or call 1800 ADT AsaP. Google Nest cam, Nest Doorbell and Nest aware are trademarks of Google, LLC.

Conan O'Brien
This show is sponsored by Betterhelp. We all sometimes have issues or things we need to talk about get off our chest. I have that all the time, don't you, Sona? I do, yeah. And we need people to talk to, and we carry around different stressors.

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Help.com conan.

You are so frank about sex and its role in your life. And it amazes me that when you were growing up, your mom did a lot to prevent issues. To prevent, well, to actively discourage you from having anything to do with the opposite sex. And she told you some intensely crazy stuff. Yeah, yeah, very crazy.

Tiffany Haddish
She told me that, like, okay, so we was watching this soap opera, right? And on the soap opera, the girls in the bed with the man and stuff. And I'm like, what are they doing? What are they doing? She said, oh, that's what you do to make a baby.

I said, oh, I'm gonna do that. She's like, no, you're not. Not til you're 21. I'm like, what? Why?

And she said, well, you know, you have to get your vaccine. 1st. 1st, you gotta get vaccinated. I was like, what do you mean? She said, you gotta get the shot.

I was like, what shot? She said, look, boys have this stuff. She said they got enzymes in their mouth, right? And if you kiss a boy that the enzymes in their mouth if you don't have your vaccine, it's gonna eat your face up, right? And you gonna die within 24 hours, right?

And they got this stuff that shoots out. They pee pee that look like snot. And if that gets inside your baby carriage, then it's gonna, like, eat your insides. It's gonna kill your baby carrot, your leg's gonna fall off, all this bad stuff, and you're gonna die in three days. And so it's like the ring, you know, would be a great scary movie.

Great scary movie. And so I went to school, and my friend Amber was kissing his boy, and I was crying. I was like, oh, my God, you gotta die. You gotta die. Oh, my God.

You didn't care like that. You're gonna die. And she's like, amber's like, what is wrong with you? You know? Like.

And I'm giving you the abbreviated version in the book, much more, you know, detailed. But I get home, and I'm crying, and my mom's like, what you crying about? And I'm like, Amber was kissing this boy, is she gonna die so bad. She gonna die. She was like, she is not gonna die.

See, her parents knew she was gonna be a ho, so they got the shot for her early. She got the shot early. She got vaccinated early. Cause they knew she was gonna be a ho. So for years.

Conan O'Brien
Are you a ho? If so, we have a medication for you. So for years, I was under the impression that all these, like, I would see these girls kissing boys at school and stuff, and I'm like, she a ho. She a ho. That's a ho.

Tiffany Haddish
They a ho. Like, you know, they not 21 yet. They not vaccinated. Or she probably got the shot early. Her parents knew she was gonna be a hoe.

And I used to say little stuff like that. Like, your family knew you was a ho. Like, you know, just say little stuff like that. And when we got in health class, got a health class, and they're talking about all the different STD's you can get. And then I'm like, excuse me.

Excuse me. What about the. The enzymes in the mouth? The baby carriage? And then the teacher tells me to explain this, and I explained it, and everybody in the class busted up laughing.

And he's like, tiffany, I think you need to talk to your mom again. I think you need to talk to. You need to have a conversation. Cause this is not. Cause I was like, what about the sperm disease?

What about that? What about the sperm disease? And it was, you know. And he didn't, like, tell me I was wrong. But he said, you should talk to your parents.

Right. So I couldn't really talk to my mom at that point. Cause she done had the accident and all this stuff done happened. You know, I mentioned it to my social worker. The social worker's like, well, I don't know if that's correct, but I like the way she's.

It's interesting. Okay. Congratulations. She kind of appreciated where it's coming from, right? Coming from a place of caution.

Yeah, a place of caution. But once I found out, like, that's not a thing, then I was like, okay. And then I was trying to kiss boys and trying to, you know, get in there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Get it in.

Cause I didn't want to die of no man angina. No man in my vagina. Have an experience before I die. I didn't realize that was a fatal disease. No mangina.

Conan O'Brien
Wow. Yeah. Cause it was people at school getting meningitis. That's for, like, making out with people or whatever, you know. And I was like, well, I don't want to die of no meningitina.

Tiffany Haddish
That was something I made up in high school. I don't know if I put that part in the book. I don't think I did. Cause I thought it was too silly. But it's going in now.

Conan O'Brien
You know, you had some people tell you early on when you were doing stand up, maybe not so much sex talk. Yeah. And then you got some good advice. Yes. From Bob Saget.

Bob Saget, yes. Who told me that was, like, the first white man, probably one of the few white men that was like, be who you are. Be yourself. Don't listen to everybody. If you feel comfortable doing it, do that.

Tiffany Haddish
Fuck them. Do what feels right for you. And that was like. That was a huge, like, that was like my big brother. I love him very much.

You know, it's like a big brother to me. And, you know, the fact that he told me to be myself, so used to people trying to tell me to be different, be something else, like. And for him to say, like, you know, this is full house, dad. Like, he's telling me, be who you are. Fuck them.

Talk about what you want to talk about. And do you. It'll pay off in the long run. There were so many people who thought when you blew up that, oh, you just showed up and it happened, and they didn't realize that it was a long road since the 19 hundreds, y'all. 1996.

97. I was always so confused trying to figure out, how do I be me. Like, also figuring out who am I? And why don't I get the notoriety I should get? And why am I not getting the opportunities?

And why do all these guys get all this stuff? And I talked about that in the book where I put that prosthetic penis in my panties. When you're on stage. Yeah. When I walked up to the club and just walking around with a limp dick in my drawers, because I felt like, you know, these guys respect guys.

They don't really respect women in this bit. Like, it's really, like, hard to get on as a woman. And I don't know. I don't know if I walked different, if my energy was different. But then they started, like, respecting me and started, like, talking to me and giving me hugs and saying, hey, why don't you do this?

Can you do. Book my show? Can you do this show over here with me? I'm booking this show. You want to get on?

You want to do this? And I was like, oh, man. Having a dick in my drawers really is, like, making a difference. Like, maybe this is a boys club. And then I, like it.

Stopped wearing the penis but kept that same kind of energy. Like, that's unbelievable. No, it's believable. If you want, when you give me your number, I can text you a picture of it. I'm writing it down right now.

Of the penis. I will put it. It's much like your color. I wouldn't think. I wouldn't think that would be a popular color for a prosthetic penis.

Conan O'Brien
Freckled. Really? Speckled. Speckled. It's a world penis.

Well, I may already have one. We'll talk about that later. But that's unbelievable to me that. Cause I know there was a period of time where you're in the background of television shows. You're a background extra.

What kind of shows are we talking about? We're talking about Hannah Montana. I did background work on that soul raven before I was casting on that soul raven. One tree Hill. What else did I do?

Tiffany Haddish
Background work on? A bunch of stuff. Do you ever look at those shows and you can look for yourself? Yeah, that would be fun. I could see myself in it.

I wanted to do a show about that, like, who's in the background or whatever. Before they were celebrities, where were they? What were they doing? I feel like I've met so many celebrities that have done little things like that just to get familiar with the set. It was really important to me to do extra work just to understand how everything worked.

I even did. I worked in the sound department for a little, you know, just to learn how, like. Cause my goal is to one day maybe own a studio, maybe, like, you know, be in charge of the whole production. And I need to know, like, what everybody's job is so that I'm not expecting too much from them. Like, I need to know.

And, like, if they're not doing their job, then I know, like, hey, you're not on your shit. And it's clear. This is why. Because I did it. I did that job.

Yeah. I did that job. I know what you're supposed to do. First of all. You are gonna do that.

Conan O'Brien
Anything you say you're gonna do, I'm down with it. I just think that's gonna happen. Yeah, it'll happen. You've made so many things happen just through incredibly hard work and talent. Yeah.

Tiffany Haddish
Not quitting. I don't quit. I'm not a quitter. Especially if it's a vision that I could see in my mind's eye. I'm like, it's going to happen.

When? I don't know, but I'm going to make it happen. That's important, too, when? I don't know. Because I think a lot of people get impatient, think, I'm going to make this happen.

Conan O'Brien
It's going to happen. No, no, no. You got to give up to a greater power, whatever that means to you, that I'm not in charge of when it happens, but it's going to happen. Yeah. I'm going to help facilitate it.

Tiffany Haddish
So I do something every day towards it, something in that realm. Like when I worked at the youth center and I was in charge of activities, I'm like, I'm gonna get them to do all the things that I always wanted to do and what's in the entertainment room. So we would, like, sit in the audience at tv shows, and I would be learning how the cameras work, learning how this works. See how to, you know, how they tape and film sitcoms, and I would take them snowboarding and surfing and riding horses and all the things. Like, these are the kind of movies I wanna make.

I wanna snowboard in a movie. I wanna surf in a movie. I'm a black gidget. You know, I'm riding horses. That's the title.

I'm gonna ride horses. When I first met you, I yelled Black Gidget. I remember that. And I got in trouble. Remember that is, you said one of your favorite movies or a movie that influenced you a lot was, who framed Roger Rabbit?

Yes. Why? Well, because, first of all, that was my first time ever seeing people in cartoons together in one thing. And it was, I think, a great story also. It was like.

It gave me great ideas. Like when a detective says to the rabbit, why are all these people doing these nice things for you? He said, because I make them laugh, Eddie. If you make people laugh, they'll do anything for you. And at that point in time in my life, I barely could read.

I was having a hard time in school. I'm having a hard time functioning just in general. I'm, like, taking care of my sisters and brothers. I'm stressed out to the max, and I'm like, that's the ticket. That's what I'll do.

I'll get. That's how I'll make friends. That's how I'll get people to help me. I'll make them laugh, and they'll do anything for me. And that is the way that I was able to make it through junior high and high school and elementary.

All that was like, I'm gonna make friends by making them laugh. Not to take it down, but people do need to know what you went through. Your dad walks out at. How old are you? When he was three.

Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, and you later reestablished a relationship with him for a time. Yeah.

And then he passed. Yeah. And then your mom had this accident. How old were you when she had the accident? I was, like, eight, about to be nine.

Conan O'Brien
And it was a bad car accident. Really bad. And it changed her personality, changed who she was. I, like, lost the love of my life, but she was there. Her body was there, but she wasn't there.

Tiffany Haddish
I don't know if a demon got in here. I don't know what got inside of her, but it wasn't my mom anymore. And she became violent and verbally abusive. And it was like, I just want my mommy back. But I loved her so much.

This is the first person I ever loved in my whole life. This is the first person I ever loved. I'm gonna do whatever I can to try to help her, try to heal her, whatever. She was so mean to me, and I wanted to, like, fight her all the time. Sometimes I wish she would have died, but I didn't really want her to die.

Like, it's fucking hard. Cause who is this lady in my mama body? Cause it ain't my mama. It's very. I cannot think of anything more confusing to a kid than my mom's still here.

Conan O'Brien
But she is not my mom the way I knew her. Yeah. And because of this injury, that's not who she is anymore. Right? And I didn't understand that.

Tiffany Haddish
The injury. I didn't understand, like, there's a lot of things. I was young, right? And I'm just. I'll just be like, take your medicine.

Conan O'Brien
Like, get better. Why don't you. Why don't you love me enough to take care of yourself? Like, fix yourself, get fixed? Like, give me my mommy back.

Like. Yeah, but it don't work like that. No, but I'm glad that I, you know, been able to do all the things that I'm able to do and made enough money to get her the best help, the best doctors, the best nutrition, the best of the best. Does she understand the scale of your success? I don't think.

Tiffany Haddish
I know she knows I'm successful. I don't think she realizes, like, that I'm international sensation. Well, you are. I mean, that people care about me. They do.

And I didn't realize people cared about me the way they do until I got arrested for DUI. And it was on CNN and PBS and Korean news. I mean, there's no excuse now for studios to say, she's not international. Oh, yes, I am. Oh, yes, I am international.

They're talking about me in Korea and in Africa and China. They're talking about me on the BBC. They talking about me all over the world. They talking about my ass in Iceland, baby. I am international.

There are three people in the Antarctic right now. It's like, did you see what happened to Tiffany and Beverly Hills? Like, I am important. Like, I have to find the positive in everything. Like, that's like, you just hit a.

Conan O'Brien
Gusher of positivity right there. That was fantastic. I mean, if you Google right now, Google right now. Famous black women arrested for DUI. When I first googled it, it was just me and Josephine Baker.

Tiffany Haddish
Now glow really trying to come up on me.

And I'm gonna tell you, I know for a fact there are a lot of famous women that have been arrested for duis, but nobody is talking about it. Cause don't nobody care about them. People care about me, okay? They care. They care if I take a nap in Beverly Hill.

Conan O'Brien
Eduardo just checked it out. I verified it first thing. That cursed Anthony Haddish. Yeah. And it's just me for, like, two pages, right?

Tiffany Haddish
And then there's lorilla.

Conan O'Brien
Yeah. Yeah. Must be killing her, right? And back. And back in January, when I googled it, it was me and just Josephine Baker.

Tiffany Haddish
I said, damn it, I'm a legend. That's good company to be in. Yeah. Yeah. I gotta start my rainbow tribe.

Conan O'Brien
Thank you.

Tiffany Haddish
And take my ass to France. Paul Francais. Feta Jacques. Fera Jacques. You talk about you've did therapy, but found that you were just trying material out on the therapist.

Conan O'Brien
I love that part because I completely understand. It's like, what are you talking about? Like, I don't know. The community that I grew up in, you don't talk about your problems. You don't put that.

Tiffany Haddish
You don't, like, air your family business. So I'm sitting here with this therapist, and I'm just like, well, let me run these jokes. Let me run this. Like, let me run that. Like, now I'm realizing I'm paying money to make this heifer laugh.

This is not cool. This is not gonna work for me. But, you know, that therapist ended up suggesting that I do comedy as a hobby. Cause I had stopped. Cause I needed to make a living.

And $25 a show is not making a living. And then I started doing comedy as a hobby and immediate, you know, Vargas, Mason. I know the name. Yeah, yeah, Vargas. Vargas has been doing comedy forever.

And he saw me performing on this open mic where I was just, you know, trying it out just like my first time. Like, getting back, like, okay, I'm gonna start this hobby. And he's like, you're funny. You should do this show with me. We're doing this show.

It's like a women's conference, and blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, yeah. He's like, yes. 15 minutes, you get dollar 50. I was like, I'm there, bro.

I am so there. And I get there, and I'm doing my thing, and I am bombing. I am bombing hard because I'm doing, like, all boyfriend jokes and stuff and some dick jokes. And turns out that that whole room was lesbians. And they are heckling me, and they're like, I got a dick bacon in your boyfriend.

I'll take you somewhere. I'll show you. And I was like, no, I like his. It has a heartbeat.

Conan O'Brien
No one told you? Who's the audience? They did not tell me. And that's when I learned, you gotta know who your audience is. You gotta know your audience.

Tiffany Haddish
And I bombed. I bombed bad. But I stayed up there the whole 15 minutes. Cause I wanted my dollar 50, but I wasn't sure if he was gonna give it to me. Cause I bombed so bad.

It was. It was bad, bad. Like, I felt like a piece of meat up there, just like, oh, this is horrible. And I go backstage, and I'm trying not to cry. And he's like, whoa, rough room.

Right? It gives me my $50. And I was like, are you paying me anyways? Oh, I'm doing this for the rest of my life. I just gotta figure out how to get better and better and better.

And that's what I've been doing ever since. Getting better and better every. Every chance I get. And I do make mistakes, and I do bomb from time to time, but that comes. That's the nature of the beast.

And every fail is a lesson to be successful. And don't say that shit again. Try something else. Yeah. Also, there are times where you try something, it doesn't work.

Conan O'Brien
And I don't know if you've had this, but it just. You try something, it doesn't work, but it sounds so corny, but it opens a door to something else that might work. Do you know what I mean? It's not just, oh, that didn't work. I won't say that again, but sometimes it leads to something else.

Tiffany Haddish
It does. And look, I'll run a joke, like, six times, six different shows. If it doesn't work the six times, then I know, okay, this is probably not the right route to go. This is not the correct wording. The idea, to me, is funny, but this is not.

This is not what's going. This don't hit. Don't do this one no more. But maybe the premise is good. So try it a different way and rewrite it this way.

Conan O'Brien
Have you noticed that if you work too hard on something that's not coming, it means it's not there, right? Like, sometimes the best things just come so easily. And I cannot tell you how long. It took me a long time to learn this, but I got a work ethic, and I would work and work and work on something, and it's just not there. And then I realized, if you're working that hard on it, it's not there.

You gotta just walk away. You gotta let it go. Gotta let it go. And when in doubt, throw it out. Yes.

Tiffany Haddish
When in doubt, throw it out. If you doubt it and, like, it's not getting it, let it go. I've been practicing that a lot lately with relationships and all kind of stuff, and I've been throwing stuff away. But I am still a hoarder of clothes. Cause I think I could fit in this again.

I know I didn't wear it. I haven't worn it since 99, but I will get that small again. I might be 70 years old, but I will wear that crop top one more time. Do you relate? Sona.

Sona Movsesian
Oh, my God. Yes. It's so sad. The clothes that I have in my closet that I just won't throw away. I don't want to give in to the fact that I'm a large now, and I used to be immediate.

Conan O'Brien
I can't do it. Oh, my goodness. Some of my stuff I've given to my sister. This is my issue. Like, I need to.

Tiffany Haddish
If I give away clothes, and when I do, and I usually do, about two, three times a year, I, like, have to give it away to charity, because when I give it to, like, my sisters and I'll see them wearing it, I want to rip that shit off they back.

Conan O'Brien
Give me that back. That's mine. Hey, why it look better on you than that? I'm like, did you take that out of my closet? They're like, you gave it to me.

Tiffany Haddish
I'm like, oh, yeah, I did give it to you. But inside, I'm like, I should take that shit back.

Conan O'Brien
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Okay, so you've had this crazy success. You haven't changed. You say in the book, you talk about Groupon. You're still using your groupon. I still use my Groupon.

Okay. Yeah, I just bought some weights on it just recently. Oh, yeah? Yeah. Some new weights and some kettlebells.

Oh, kettlebell? Mm hmm. Okay. Do you ever walk around with those weight vests? You know, some people do that bottle weighted vests.

I was walking with my wife the other day, and then at one point it's getting hot, so she takes off her, like, sweatshirt or whatever, and I see that she's wearing this looks like a bulletproof vest. And I said, what the fuck is that? And she was like, oh, it adds like 20 pounds to my walk so that I'll work harder. I didn't know. I thought, I mean, I didn't, she didn't tell me, first of all.

But again, we haven't touched each other in years. She's first line of defense. Yeah. She said, this protects me. This protects me.

Tiffany Haddish
He won't touch these tits.

Conan O'Brien
His scaly hands aren't getting me. But you got one of those? Yeah, I just ordered one on Groupon. Yeah, it was like $50. And it's a 20 pound weighted vest.

Tiffany Haddish
I just ordered it in the kettlebell? Yes. Because I want to, like, walk with that stuff. That's so funny. Me and your wife should be friends.

Conan O'Brien
Let's do it. She would love it. Let's go on a weighted walk. She would do it. She's cool.

What's that? Okay, take it easy. She's cool. She's really cool. Yeah, I married well.

I did the right thing. Good. In your book, you talk about, you found this thing called a rage room. I don't know what a rage room is. What's a rage room?

Tiffany Haddish
Oh, my gosh. A rage room. So it is a room where you can go and you can break stuff. I feel like it's perfect for white men. All the movies I've seen where y'all just tear up rooms, and I'm like, who's gonna clean that up?

Like. But you go to this place. I go to this place called the La break room in Van Nuys. And they have, like, crates full of cups and bowls and plates, and you can just throw them against the wall and break them. You can, like, they have old appliances in there.

Ovens, microwaves, refrigerators, a stove, a chairs. Oh, there's one chair. I fucked that chair up. I took everything I had, was like, it's better than sex. It's such a great release.

And it just. I just tore that shit up, demolished it. And nobody is mad at me. I've never heard of. I mean, I wanna do this.

I do know. I've heard about them, and they're awesome. I've never been, but it's great for. A date night, too, so they can see how angry you can be, how destructive you can be. But I'm not destructive like that.

But, oh, man, it feels so good. Oh, I could break some stuff. One time I went, they had all Ronald Reagan library cups, mugs. Whoa. I was like, I hate to do this to you, Reagan, but you did bring drugs into our community, and I demolished them.

You're war on drugs was garbage. You mentioned your community. You. You know what I love is you live in south central and you keep doubling down and buying homes in south central, right? Yeah.

Conan O'Brien
That's fantastic. I mean, what now? How many? I mean, I don't want to get too specific, but you've bought a lot of properties. Yeah, I only own one.

Tiffany Haddish
Okay, but the foundation, the LLCs, the trust funds, I see they own many. And every time I do a movie or a tv show, I buy a piece of land. I always tell them, like, make sure I get paid enough where I can buy, like, an apartment building where I can buy something that can make a difference. You know, when I was little, I used to think I was going to be the queen of south central Los Angeles. I want to be the queen of the hood.

And now, like, on my street, I own. Well, the trust owns many homes. That's fantastic. And then in apartment buildings and duplexes that I own, I house foster youth in it. I rent them out to organizations that help foster youth get housing and life skills and all that.

And I house a bunch of them, but they don't know that I own it. But I do come by and mentor and talk to the kids and. Yeah, and really, I'm just checking to make sure they didn't tear my shit up. It's a rage room. Like, why is it footprints on the ceiling?

Conan O'Brien
I'm here to mentor you and also check up on stuff, give you good life advice, but check. And you know what's so cool is there are these big after parties after events, like, whether it's the Emmys or the Golden Globes or the Oscars. But after one, you just went. You went back to the neighborhood. Yeah.

Tiffany Haddish
Went right home. Right to south central LA. Yeah, yeah. So, no, so you skipped the fancy party. I went, oh, no.

So, okay, so I went to the fancy party, took a picture, and then left. And you talking about when I went over to my homegirl house over in Compton. Yeah, yeah. So she was having a car party, so. And then the police came, and I took pictures with the police.

My face was beat for the guys, but, yeah, I went to the event and took some. Some pictures at the little after party, left from there, and, like, changed my clothes, put on some, like, you know, but I didn't wash my face. And I went over there. It's like, bitch, you up here? I'm cute, looking all good.

I'm like, yeah, but let's let me WHOOP that ass in spades. We playing spades. We here for the spades. And then, I guess, I don't know, some people took pictures and posted, and then the police found out I was in the community, and they came over and, like, we here to protect you. Make sure don't nothing happen to you.

But I'm like, I come over here all the time. Don't nothing happen to me. Like, I'm queen of the hood. You are. I'm not the queen of the hood.

In my mind. In my mind. Well, you keep buying these properties. You are. Well, hey, landlord.

Conan O'Brien
Yeah. Lord of the land. Also, you and I have something in common. We both have a wax figure of ourselves. Oh, yeah.

Cause you got a Madame Tussauds wax figure. Yes, I have one. I don't know. It's in Hollywood somewhere. And every now and then someone will be visiting and they'll take a picture, and for some reason it's me.

They did it when I was behind a desk. And I'm pointing. I don't know why. Like, Conan's big thing is he points. But people send me these random photos of them posing with this.

Tiffany Haddish
How do you feel about it? It's weird. It's really weird because what people, I don't know if they realize this, you know, they take exact measurements. They take easily 1000 measurements. Yes.

Of every inch of your body. Of every inch of your body. And they're, like, measuring the distance from. So that it's a perfect replica of you. And then they, like, match your hair and they match.

Conan O'Brien
And so I look at it sometimes and I think that's just weird that that's. It's somewhere in Hollywood. God knows. There it is. Oh, my God.

Tiffany Haddish
Oh, that. When you were skinny. Oh, boy. Yeah. It kind of reminds me of that.

Remember that McDonald's character? Ronald McDonald? No.

Mac tonight. The talk show guy. Oh, right. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe that's why everybody loves the talk show so much. You were Mac McKnight. I was Mac McKnight. You know what? I gotta say, it doesn't.

It looks. It doesn't. Now. It doesn't look like me. No, it doesn't.

No, it does. But the nose is me and everything. But it doesn't really look like you at all. Yeah, no, it looks like you're sick. You're better looking.

You're way better looking. I was very sick at the time. I do remember that. They got the dead eyes.

Matt Gourley
It looks like they took someone's hand that was holding a gun and just took the gun out and God knows. Bang, bang. So, what, you went through that experience? Yes. Did you like it when you saw yourself or did you?

Tiffany Haddish
I did. I thought she was so beautiful. I'm like, wow, this is, like, so beautiful. But I didn't like. It's no like in looking.

Those eyes, and it's like dead eyes. It's like, no. No hurt. Ever been experienced? No.

This is not a real human. But if I could make a clone of myself, boy, she would be cute. Do you know they cloning dogs now? I did know that, yeah. Yeah.

And I'm like, if they can clone dogs, then they could clone me, probably. Do you want to be cloned I. Mean, it would have to grow up like a baby and everything, like, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Conan O'Brien
No, they're not gonna. You're not gonna show up as you are now. No, but you're. Are you okay with raising myself? Yourself?

Tiffany Haddish
I will raise myself so good. Yes, you will. And then I don't need no man. Like, no child support, no nothing. No man.

But then I would have to find him a dad. Cause that was the problem. I think I needed to do, like, all the time. So I would get, like, all my gay homeboys to be dad and then just, you know. Yeah.

Conan O'Brien
That's such a weird idea that you raise yourself, clone yourself as a baby. And I see me, and then you. Raise you and you give yourself everything that you didn't have. Not everything. I just give me what I needed, okay.

Tiffany Haddish
Not all the stuff that I didn't have. Just what I needed. More hugs, more kisses, more words of, like, you're doing a good job. I'm proud of you. You can do anything.

Don't quit. And then I will put her out the house so she can learn struggle at, like, 1213. No, at 18, she gonna have to learn how to survive. I will make her camp in the woods at, like, 13. Like, leave her in the.

Give her supplies and leave her in the woods for three days. About the enzymes and sperm. Yes. I'm gonna tell her about. I'm like, don't believe what you read on TikTok.

It's all lies. Matter of fact, I don't even think I'm gonna teach her how to read so she don't get her heart broke. Wait, you know what I'm saying? Okay. You're gonna give her what she needs.

Conan O'Brien
But she can't read. Yeah, she can't read. I don't think I'm gonna let her learn how to read. Cause it's so many teenagers right now. Like, the suicide epidemic is crazy amongst teenagers.

Tiffany Haddish
Cause they're reading all the stuff that people are saying on social media, and they're attacking them and they don't know how to handle it. Cause they took bullying out of school. Right. So now you don't know how to handle just the bullying of words. And you take that personal.

Kids, teenagers. Like, just don't let her have a phone. She can read. She gonna get a pager. Yeah, yeah, I'm bringing pagers back.

Yeah. And put a tracking device on her. Like, time to come in the house. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. I gotta go inside.

Like, I don't know, but I feel bad. For kids today. Cause it is really hard. And I appreciated all my bullies. Like, I've sent them little thank you notes.

Like, thank you for making me so strong, especially to my mom. That was my biggest bully. And I really appreciate all the stuff that she said and did. Even though it was mean and nasty and hurt. My feelings prepared me for the horrible social media world that we have today.

It doesn't really bother me, but do. You read stuff about yourself? Hell, yeah, I read stuff about myself. Hello? You gonna sit here and tell me you don't read about you?

Conan O'Brien
I don't, actually. You don't. You'll back me up on this. He actually doesn't. I mean, when people send him articles and he just won't read.

Tiffany Haddish
Read that because you can't read. I knew it. Damn it. He's been having. I'm above that.

Conan O'Brien
I might get my feelings hurt. Can you read, Conan? I can't read. Got that earwig in. They tell him everything to say.

No, I try. I mean, I do sometimes, but I try not to because I just think, like, it can't. I think if I can, if it can help me, but if it's just some random person saying they don't like what I'm doing, I don't know what the point is of me knowing that, because I'm not gonna change at this point. No, I'm not gonna change either. But it is kind of inter.

Tiffany Haddish
Okay. In my mind, I think they're saying all this stuff, these people, especially if it's a long paragraph or if they make, like, a whole YouTube video about how much they can't stand me. In the back of my mind, I'm thinking they love me. This person cares about me so much. Spending a lot of energy.

It took a lot of energy and a lot of time to say anything about me. And, like, when people are like, we should cancel her. She should be canceled. Isn't she canceled? Like, I think to myself, dang, you took time out of your day to comment on me, which means I shouldn't be canceled.

You actually care. You care about. I'm doing my job as an entertainer, and I'm making you feel something. So I am successful in the long run. I beat you.

I win. But still, I have endometriosis. So on my cycle, I do become evil, and I do take it back to the 19 hundreds, and I do go on there and talk shit about them real bad. Real, real bad. And I have to pray on that.

Like, please forgive me, lord, for what I'm about. To do. But I have to destroy this fat bitch right now. That's one of my favorite prayers.

I'm about to hurt your child's feelings. I apologize, but I'm gonna hurt your child. My bad. But I gotta. I gotta attack her.

I'm sorry, lord. Please forgive me. You shouldn't have gave me endometriosis. I wouldn't even have time. While I'm sitting here in pain and bleeding clots and clots, blood.

I wouldn't be thinking about committing murder on this woman's spirit.

Sona Movsesian
Oh, man. Some people try to say I'm crazy. I'm not crazy. I have endometriosis, okay? And it causes me to behave in certain ways.

Tiffany Haddish
Cause I'm in pain, and it's a hormonal and imbalance, apparently. That's what somebody just told me. It's your hormones. They're imbalanced. Okay, well, what's the fucking balancer of the hormones?

Is there like, a leveler to level out these fucking hormones that keep me from bleeding clots of fucking blood? How am I not dead? How am I still living? I'm amazing. That's why I'm a fucking superhero.

All women are superheroes. We all are fucking amazing creatures. We bleed for days and days and days and don't die. Let a man bleed for two days. He's dead.

He's dead. Especially if it's off the tip of his penis. He gonna kill himself. He's like, it's broken forever. I'm done.

I can't do this. Let a blood clot come out of dick. It's a wrap. No, don't let a blood clot. It's a wrap.

Conan O'Brien
Don't let a blood clot come out of dick. Dear baby Jesus, don't let a blood clot come out of my dick. I'll give you anything. I told a dude that I have endometriosis, so I can only deal with certain size penises. I can't be dealing with no big old.

Tiffany Haddish
I got endometriosis. He's like, what is that? Is that a new STD? What is that? And I was like, I wish it was a STD.

I wish I could give you endometriosis. How you out here with endometriomosis? I wish I could give you inflammation of the nuts while all your wrinkles come out your balls. Blood clots come out the tip of your dick. He's like, that sounds so painful.

Why would you wish that for somebody? Wait, this is what you're talking about before you have sex? No, let's have a little. Let's have a little pillow talk. This is my hope your balls shrivel up and climb up your asshole.

This is my way of letting him know if he got a big old dick. I'm not doing this with you, you know, so we could just be friends. I need that, smeety, okay? I don't need you tearing my stuff up, okay? No big dicks out there.

Conan O'Brien
We're getting the word out. Run me to mediums with good credit and the ein number. I'm looking for good credit and ein numbers. Hello. Oh, my God.

Sona Movsesian
It's mediums. Define medium. I'm just gonna write this down. Mediums, mediums, mediums. Okay.

Tiffany Haddish
My g spot is three inches in. Bring your Asians, your Indians, your whatever. Medium.

Conan O'Brien
Okay? Medium. Talk about that in a book too. Yeah, I know you do. Right here, immediately.

Tiffany Haddish
That's in the if you want to get with me chapter, I'm going to give you a manual on that. Good Lord.

Conan O'Brien
Oh. Oh, you can read? No, I do little pictures. Hieroglyphics. Yeah.

Have Matty bring it in. Yes. We got some little surprise for me here, apparently. And it's also not just for me, but for you too, Maddie. Thank you very much.

Lotion. Here we go. Yes. Oh, thank you. Oh, my skin is like.

What is this? Now rub it in. Just rub it on both sides. We're putting a little lotion in. Massage it in there.

Tiffany Haddish
Make a wish when you're doing it. Oh, that's neat. I wish I was a medium. Medium for me is aspirational.

You wanna be a medium? I like medium. Small to medium. Oh. Oh, but you got a wife, so I'm sure she's happy with what you're working with.

Conan O'Brien
Well, I'm a good earner.

She's crying, and then she goes. She's like, oh, you know, actually, there's a lot of money coming in. Good earners. It's worth it. She says that as we're doing it all is yours.

Good earner, good earner. Then there's just flaky skin flying around. It looks like it's snowing on us. If she's saying, good earner, good earner, she's manifesting that, you know, that's what you're supposed to do during sex. You're supposed to make wishes.

Tiffany Haddish
When. As soon as you had an orgasm, that's when it's gonna come in because all your chakras are open. And that's when God shows up. Oh, my God. Mm hmm.

Mm hmm. That's when you're supposed to make a wish. All right, here's my question for the room manifest thing. All the wasted wishes. Here's my question of the room.

Conan O'Brien
Who's funnier than Tiffany? Oh, man. Seriously, there's a lot of people. No, no, no, no. You are a beautiful person.

Tiffany Haddish
Thank you. You are. Good Lord. You are a tornado of funny. You are so funny.

Conan O'Brien
And it comes from such a real place. Thank you. And you're beautiful. And, God, I just. When you show up, I don't have to do anything.

I know I don't do anything. I just say. I just. Every now and then, a little poke. Is there more?

And there's so much more. Yeah. I'm like a sis.

Tiffany Haddish
There's levels to it. There's levels to it. Everyone, go out. Do yourself a favor. Go out and get.

Conan O'Brien
I curse you with joy. It's Tiffany Haddish. Can you say Tiffany Haddish? I curse you with joy. Yeah.

Tiffany haddish. I curse you with joy. Thank you. I appreciate it. I curse you with joy, Tiffany.

Tiffany Haddish
Thank you. And I curse everyone that reads that book with joy. And please spread the word that you are moisturized. I'm moisturized. I'm a medium.

Conan O'Brien
I represent every color on earth.

And God bless you. Seriously, you make me. I mean, you talk about how in your life you try to do positive things, and you do so many positive things, and then you come into this room and we talk to everybody and I'm just dying. You just make me so happy. Thank you.

Thank you so much. Can I get your phone number now? Yes, you can. Okay, awesome. Yeah, you can.

Tiffany Haddish
All right. Wife doesn't have to know. Oh, she gonna know. Cause I'm gonna get her number, too. I'm gonna invite you to game night.

I'll be having this game night in one of my properties. It's a good time. Okay. Have you ever been to South Central? La?

Conan O'Brien
Sure. Okay, we gonna see. I've got. It's in Catalina, right?

It's a gated estate in hell. It isn't. It. It's not gated at all. Oh, sorry.

Am I thinking of the. Right south central. South central, Catalina. Right. Wear your weighted vest.

Tiffany Haddish
It'll be a good time, that is. Thank you. You send me a text. Thank you, Conan. I am going to see.

It's been a long time since I got the phone number on a piece of paper. I was going to say, I love this. You're from the 19 hundreds, baby. Oh, but you know what? I was on a plane once across the aisle is Warren Beatty, the greatest womanizer of the 20th century.

Conan O'Brien
And we chat briefly, and we have a nice chat, and he goes, whoa, here. Here's how you can reach me. And he writes his phone number on an American Airlines napkin and hands it to me. And I was thinking, when he did it, how many numbers has he written on an airline napkin since 1960? Oh, my God.

Tiffany Haddish
So many. And then I can't find it. Cause I would frame it. I would frame it if I could find it. You probably blew your nose in it.

Conan O'Brien
Yeah, probably. Probably. I fucked up. But anyway, Warren, my apology. He's been waiting by the phone for 20 years.

Why won't he call? I love him. Tiffany. God bless. Thank you so much for being here, and congrats on your book.

Tiffany Haddish
Thank you. Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien Sonam of session and Matt Gourley produced by me Matt Gourley executive produced by Adam Sacks, Nick Liao and Jeff Rossett team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes incidental music by Jimmy Vivino. Take it away, Jimmy.

Matt Gourley
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on on a future episode got a question for Conan?

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Conan O'Brien
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Tiffany Haddish Returns

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