John C. Reilly Live From The Orpheum Theatre

Conan O'Brien
There's a code I live by. There is. Goes like this. Sometimes the ride can be more exciting than the destination. Oh, yeah, that's.

I wish that had been my yearbook quote. I wish it had been. Instead, my quote was, please don't hit me. No. Hey, well, guess what?

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Sona Movsesian
That's a lot of drive modes. Well, specifically seven. Yeah. Yeah. And bring the fun with you.

Conan O'Brien
With Pathfinder's 6000 pounds of towing capacity. And I love to tow. Is it? I like to tow stuff. You don't tow anything.

Yes, I do. I'm gonna buy a boat tomorrow and tow it. I'll never put it in the water, but I'll tow it and I'll use it. I tow in my Pathfinder. Hey.

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There's a lot to say when buying a new home or car. But only one thing to say that can help you protect them. Like a good neighbor, state farm is there. Hear me? I did.

Sona Movsesian
I heard you. And just like that, a state farm agent will be there to help you choose the coverage you need. You just say that and they show up. They come jumping out of a shrub. Oh, cool.

Conan O'Brien
No matter where you are in life, when you need coverage options, your state farm agent is there to help on the phone or in person. Like a good neighbor state farm is there.

Hear, hear the yell back to school ring the bell brand new shoes, walking blues climb the fence books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Mister Conan O'Brien.

Hey. Thank you.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.

That's all we needed. We literally just needed room tone, and you gave it to me. Now get the fuck out of here. Thank you for that. Please have a seat.

That was insane.

That was lovely. Thank you. Thank you very much. Welcome to day 75 of the Netflix is a joke 140 days of comedy special, 55 comedians a day for 15 weeks. So much more comedy than anybody wants.

I think at the end, it's just the same comics at the beginning with mustaches on. That's just my. That's just my theory. But very happy to be here. I don't know why we're here.

We do a show on Max, so. Yeah, I honestly think. I honestly think Netflix doesn't know her on Max. I'm not kidding. They're like, we're really excited for the show.

It's doing great. I'm like, okay, we want you to be part of our big Netflix series. 19 weeks of every comedian that's ever been born. God, look at this place. I have performed in many venues, and I've never been in this one before.

This is the Orpheum Theater. This is gorgeous. Look at this.

This is a lot of pressure. This room. We'll get to you in a minute. This is a lot of pressure. This is so much pressure.

This is a jewel box. This is a massive, gorgeous, vaudeville jewel box. And I feel we should be, like, staging les mis here. Seriously. We should be doing something that has, like, 55 people having a battle on stage, and instead, we're doing a podcast.

We have the most beautiful theater, one of the most beautiful theaters in the world. Just so you can hear Sona call me a dick and look at this. Opera boxes. What did you people think you were coming to see?

You're in opera boxes. I've never been in an opera box my whole life. Lincoln was in one once.

You guys are in an opera box. Did you bring those. Those lorgnettes, those glasses, so you can peer at the other ladies?

Sona called him a dick. We're canceling our season tickets. Incredible. Is that the same Sona? Just the same.

Is it extra to be in an opera box, or it's just luck of the draw? How does it work? Speak to me, God damn it. I'm one of 175,000 comics on Netflix this seven month period. What's that?

Stubhub.

I just love. That's the world we've come to do. You know what I mean? That's the world we're in right now. You're sitting in an opera box, and you just went, Stubhub.

I pressed the button on Stubborp. Kings and queens should be sitting there, but the king couldn't figure out Stubhub. You guys are amazing. What a fantastic crowd. And you're here, and I love you, too.

I really do love you. I'm saying that now. I've never said that to my wife. She calls me a good earner.

There's two empty seats right here. What's going on? What's that? Well, what's the policy here? I think someone should be sitting in those seats.

No, no, not one of you. Someone very wealthy.

Someone in a bubble who can pay us millions of dollars to sit there so I can spend it on a gold helicopter. Don't you understand how show business works? No. We should seriously put people in these two seats. And I think it should be, I think, go way to the back.

Go to some people that really got screwed over. Way in the back. Way in the back. I command you, come forward. Come forward.

And you can be even closer when Sona calls me a dick.

John C. Reilly
See?

Conan O'Brien
Hey, quick shout out. My trainer's in the audience tonight. Jim, where are you? Stand up. You hear the guy?

Stand up. There he is.

It's his fault that I look like this.

Jim Lebinski. His nickname is the lube. That is not a joke. And I'll tell him before we go on a run. I'll be like, I'm sore.

And he's like, how can the lube help?

It's disgusting. I mean, I have answers, but I don't want to go into them. Lube. I'm getting a workout. And thanks to you, I look exactly how old I am.

Listen, we have so much show to get to, but before we do, I have to talk to you about this band. I've been asked.

I've been asked by many people. Many people have asked me, what is it you miss most? Do you miss anything about doing the late night show? Every night. And I said I loved it.

I did it for 28 years. I thoroughly enjoyed it. I like what I'm doing now. I don't miss anything, except I miss the band. I miss you guys.

I miss you every day. Jimmy Vivino is our fearless leader on key. Scott Healy. Those two guys were with me all those years. They heard every shitty monologue joke.

On drums, Andy Sinisi is here.

And straight from the old Testament, on bass, Lee Sklar is here.

Lee's an amazing guy. He is one of the best bass players in the world. And also, I think he's been in every third arcrum comic. And I. That's an unbelievable beard.

And you know what's disappointing? It ties on in the back. That's the sad part. Let me bring out two people who make my life a joy.

I'm talking about my attorney and my agent. No, I have. This podcast has been a revelation to me. We've been doing it over five years now, and I hope it comes through, but I don't know when I've enjoyed anything more than just screwing around. This podcast and these two people always surprise me and make it so much fun.

Sotom obsession. Matt Gorley.

That was a very nice intro. That was nice. Yeah, it sure was, you dick. Yeah. And the opera boxes are emptying out.

That's incredible. I haven't played this theater before, but it's absolutely. It's absolutely gorgeous. 1924, it was purchased, it was built. I don't know why I said it was purchased.

It was built in 1778 and then purchased. Yeah. I think we have a fantastic show tonight. I'm very happy to be part of this festival, even though we clearly don't belong. Yeah.

And I want to thank everyone for coming to a show. I don't think our listeners across the world understand how difficult it is to get to a show downtown in Los Angeles. A lot of people here tonight, and I just want to point this out. A lot of people here had to begin their journey 19 days ago. Many people didn't make it.

They used pack mules and horses. It is amazing to get all the way down here and people did it and I told, no, you don't think so? It's not that bad. Sorry. Okay.

You just undercut everything I said. I know I completely deflated your whole joke, but it's not that bad. There's actually a lot of different ways you could take public transportation. You could drive. There's a lot of different.

Wait a minute. Those little lime scooters, you know? Yeah. So you took public transportation to get here? No, I didn't.

Matt Gourley
She actually bummed a ride with me. Yeah, you could. So you two came together? Yeah. Okay.

Conan O'Brien
All right. Do you do those lime scooters? I picture you on a lime scooter. What do you mean, do I do them? Do you fucking ride around on those?

I see you doing it. I see you with your 2ft, looking all like, I'm in Larchmont. You know? No. Do you do that?

No. You're the one that put us in Larchmont. I know. I like it there, but I'm not gonna ride one of those scooters around. People wouldn't have it.

Matt Gourley
I don't either. Okay. I've scootered. Really? You gotta be careful.

Sona Movsesian
What do you mean? No, I mean like, you're very clumsy. Yeah, you do. But you could scooter. It's a scootery.

It's a scooter friendly town. I wanna see. I wanna see our bass player on a scooter. Wouldn't you see that beard, Leland, scar flowing in the wind? Wouldn't that just be incredible?

Conan O'Brien
So aerodynamic. People would think, oh, my God, God is back and he's on a lime scooter.

God came back to earth to save us, and look what he's spending his time doing instead of all the problems we have in the world. Well, time to solve all the. Huh? Well, that seems reasonable. Swipe.

Sona Movsesian
Swipe. Swipe. I don't know. I've got. I take seven limos to work.

Conan O'Brien
They're all tied together, so I burn more fossil fuels. Hi. I'm an asshole. Swipe. I'm so sorry.

Sona Movsesian
You think there's, like, a card reader on the scooter? It's impossible. Oh, is this one of those things where I'm exposed as not knowing what's going on? Well, trust me on the lime scooter I used, you. Swipe.

Okay, yeah, okay, yeah, you're exposed. Cause no one knew you were out of it before. I know. Okay, laugh it up, you two. Laugh it up.

Conan O'Brien
You are a dick. Yeah, what the fuck? Who are you? What's you right there? You applauded me being a dick.

I've proven I have the power to move people in their seats. I could snap one finger and you'd be one row behind and slightly to the left. I won't do it, I promise. No, no, I'll. Well, okay, you may live.

God, the power. I've gotten power mad. What else can you do with that? I don't know. I'm just telling you, this is.

I get a big crowd like this, and I get all excited. I won't sleep for weeks after this. I know, I know. I get revved up by a crowd. Yeah.

I'm gonna be ready to party after this. And by party, I mean have aspirin and go to bed after watching an old law and order. Yeah, this is fun. My family's here, so you have to be nice to me. I know.

When you say your family's here, I picture everybody, every single person is in the audience. That's true. Yeah, yeah, I know. So you have to be nice to me is what I'm saying. I do not have to be nice to you.

Sona Movsesian
Yes, you should. People don't like that. It's been proven. People like it when we get into it, when we're totally ourselves, when you reveal some of your, you know, flaws. People like that.

Conan O'Brien
People love that. About the podcast. Okay. All right, shoplifter. Oh.

Sona Movsesian
It'S been a long time since I did that. You can't keep bringing it up. Every Manson member said that in prison. Oh, it's been since 69. You chopped up 75 people?

Conan O'Brien
It's been a while. No, I'm not. I'm not equating your shoplifting with the Manson challenge. Yes, you are. That's exactly what you're doing.

That's exactly what I'm doing, and I apologize. Oh, you do? No, I don't. I didn't think so. I'm excited for our show.

I really am. I think we have a good one. I think we have a good one. Yeah. It's gonna be fun.

You know, I don't know if we should. Other matters that need to be discussed. Well, there are, actually. There's an announcement we have about something coming out very special. You know what?

I'm so glad you reminded me. Thank you. I'm pregnant.

It's possible. It is. It's not. Who knows? I'm very fertile.

I don't know. Stop wooing him. What are you guys doing? Yeah, what is this? You know, you're gonna.

You know. These are edited by Matt Gorley, who's a genius. He has a special machine that he invented that removes woos and turns them into I hate you. Conan's. Yeah.

You've never. You've never listened, so you don't realize that Sona and I get all the laughs and you're just chirps. Cricket chirps.

I don't. I don't listen to the podcast. I like to make it, but I'm not one of those people. I will at siriusxm. I will listen to that and I'll check it out.

But I don't do that. But my brother's, even my brother Neil won't listen to the podcast at all. And he says, well, I don't know how to do that. I mean, it's the easiest thing in the world. And he won't listen to it because to him, it's like, no, something comes on.

NBC, CB's, or ABC at 11:00 and that's how it works. No, you don't just swipe, swipe. You just go up to a radio and you swipe. And then it plays a podcast. Oh, Healey.

You're laughing it up, huh? You're fucking up. Everyone's laughing. Everyone's laughing at me. But anyway, I asked him the other day, like, we have this max show, and it's been really fun.

You know, it's been getting a very nice reception. And I asked my brother Neil have you checked it out? And he went, we don't have cinemax. And I said, it's not Cinemax. You're my brother.

You watched every late night show I did for 28 years. And he's like, oh, I don't think we have it. I don't know. Forget it. Anyway, I'm not bitter at all.

I've got exciting news. And when I say I've got exciting news, you better believe it. Check this out. He turns to cards. Hey, I already said that part.

We are pressing a second edition of our highly sought after Conan O'Brien needs a friend quinquennial celebration vinyl album. Yes, there it is. Wow. Raw enthusiasm. No, screw you.

It's too late. We're unpressing. Screw you. I love an audio. I'm yelling at the crowd.

Screw you. It's a real push pull with you in the audience. I know. I can't help it. I love you guys.

Screw yourselves. The team cocoa vinyl contains never before heard comedy bits and foolishness that doesn't exist anywhere else. Cause why would it? This limited edition orange vinyl. This one's orange?

Yeah. Oh, you're trying so hard to make up is limited to 5000 copies. Oh, my God. These things are gonna be like those coins that my parents bought. Oh, the Franklin mint coins?

Franklin mint coins that have, like, Jimmy Carter on them. Then you find them later on in the attic and they're worthless. And they have chocolate inside.

Sona Movsesian
Anyway, I'm really hyped there's chocolate in this vinyl. There should be. Then I'd have one. Hey, you gotta check these out. These things went like hotcakes last time.

Matt Gourley
That's right. Meaning they cooled quickly and only tasted. Good for about three minutes. I'm serious. These are a highly sought after item.

Conan O'Brien
A real collector's disc. Be sure to follow. Shut up.

Be sure to followeamcoco on social and look for QR codes in the lobby to order yours. After the show, just walk up to the QR code and swipe your card.

Have you ever used a QR code? Of course I've used a QR code. Walk me through how it went. You hold your camera up to it, ok? Because that's the way all menus were during the old COVID times.

Most of you don't remember, but when I was a child, there was this pestilence called COVID. And you'd say, I'm still gonna go to a restaurant and breathe everyone else's air, but I can't touch a menu that never made sense to me. Waiter would come up.

What do you want? I'd like a menu. They spread desserts.

And then you held your camera up. Well, now the whole audience has COVID. You guys are in the splashdown there. No, no. You're like the Gallagher of disease.

No, I am not. That's terrible. Gallagher was the disease of disease, God rest his soul. There. That fixed everything.

Sona Movsesian
He dead. Listen, I hate to put a kill on this, but we gotta cover some business with you. I was on a great COVID run. Yeah, keep going. It's not frightening.

Anything on everybody's mind.

Conan O'Brien
Go ahead, lay it on me. What's going on? Well, before we get into the main part of our show, we have some business we have to take care of. And this is true. I did hear about this.

I don't know much about it. I was told just before the show, these are not as well prepared you can probably imagine, as you might think. But we were told that we have a sponsor who wants to come out and pitch in person. Right. Usually we just read the sponsored ad, but we have a sponsor who wants to read in person.

And I guess this is a very important service. I don't know much about who this is or what's going on. They told me it was a little bit of a surprise, so let's find out. Yeah.

Dr. Arroyo
Hello, I'm Doctor Arroyo.

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Sean Evans and his guest. But tonight.

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And you should see my leg.

Now you may ask, who am I to give medical advice? I'm doctor Arroyo. I graduated from one of the top doctor schools in the country. It was in. And just this week, WebMD put me on their list of doctors to watch.

I keep medicall costs low by conducting exams al fresco in low traffic, outdoor areas like alleys and bus shelters, underground parking garages. That's it. I know when the guard has to take a whiz of course, if your problems persist, by all means, get a second opinion from a fancy indoor doctor. But get your first opinion from me for just $19, cash. For years, a list celebrity hypochondriacs like Conan O'Brien have been coming to me for their first opinion.

And I've been right so far. Let me be right so far with you. Don't take my word for it. Here's Conan himself to vouch for my services. Conan?

Conan O'Brien
No one told me I was part of this. I know, I know it would help out a lot. No, no, I am not gonna vouch for you. I'll give you $19. No, I'm good for that.

You put a stethoscope on my tongue. Yes, I did. Yes, I did. It was the only way to get you to stop talking. Okay, just that.

No, I am not gonna. I'm not gonna endorse you. The best doctor in LA. The best doctor in the. No, I'm not endorsing you.

I. I'm worried about the legal ramifications of me endorsing you. I'll defend you, okay?

You're barely a doctor, and I know you're not a lawyer. Neither are you. Tai gin. Wow, again, great point. Why don't we just wrap it up, doctor Arroyo?

Dr. Arroyo
Well, all right. Just gonna do this.

This is a very hot crowd. Thank you, doctor.

Conan O'Brien
Doctor Arroyo, everybody at top doctor, schools of the country. It is in. It is in. Just having him on stage is like a tacit endorsement. For you, that's troublesome.

And for him, that's more troublesome. Yeah.

Today's episode is brought to you by Cap'n crunch. This has meaning for me, okay? Because I grew up as a child, obsessed. My brothers and I were obsessed with sugar cereals. We loved Cap'n crunch.

And then when they came out with Cap'n crunch and crunch berries, oh, I just. It was like Oppenheimer. I saw a white light and I knew that life had changed forever. And true story. I was just back in Boston visiting my brother Neil, and not kidding.

He is two years older than me. We are grown ass adults. What do we do? We sit down at our kitchen table in Brookline, mass. And we both crack open a box of cap'n crunch with crunchberries.

Oh, my God. And we had it together. Multiple bowls. And I was so happy. Oh, it's nice that you have that.

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Sona Movsesian
I remember that. Usually I don't eat foods that have oops in the title, but when they came up with oops, all berries, I was there. Peanut butter. Oh, my God. Peanut butter crunch is fantastic.

Conan O'Brien
It turns the milk into this cool peanut butter milk. I love it. Join the crew for your next breakfast time crunch venture. That's a word. Now buy cap'n crunch's new cinnamon crunch now at a retailer near you and learn more@capncrunch.com.

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Well, I think we should move on to the crux of the evening, shall we not? Yes, I think it's time that we brought out our surprise guest for the evening. And to do that, I think we should set the tone. Set the mood. So why don't we.

Who is it you're about to. Why don't I take you backstage and we'll talk about it? Who is it that killed me? That insta Bob.

Okay, let's set the tone. Let's dim the lights and. Yes, let's dim the lights and get the band to play some nice mood music here.

John C. Reilly
Hello, California.

Hello, California. I am John C. Reilly, and I feel fucking stoked about being Conan O'Brien's friend.

Conan O'Brien
Damn. This crowd was very happy to see Mister Riley. I know, and I feel like I kind of shot my wad up there. I don't have much else to say. Well, that's fine.

That was enough. Again, we're just getting room. Tone, I have to say, I was thrilled when I found out that you were able to do this. And this man is shooting. He's always busy because he's in the high demand shooting a movie.

And then his company called and said they're not going to let him out for this movie. And this man said, no, no, no, I want to do it, and moved everything so he could be here tonight. So a lot of people are out of work right now because of your selfish actions. I have to go back. There's a whole film crew just sitting around, like, not working right now down the street.

You know, we have a lot to talk about. It's funny. Cause we've chatted a bunch of times. We have a bunch of things in common. It's hard to know where to begin with you because you've had a unique career.

You've just. You've managed to play so many incredible roles and so many different types of roles, and we're gonna get into. I was gonna say, you can't believe I made it this far.

Yeah, that's the old Kevin Nealon. That's all he ever says to me is, I can't believe you made it this far. And he means it. But you and I are both from. I'm one of six.

I'm one of six kids, as am I. Irish Catholic family, and you are one of six. One of six. Fifth of six. Fifth of 6th.

I was third of 6th. And I've got. Do you think birth order makes a huge difference? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

John C. Reilly
The middle ones, which in our families was two through five, are like, hey, I exist. That was me. Yeah, and that was me tonight, too. That's my whole life story, is, look at me, everyone. Don't write me off.

Conan O'Brien
And it's been that way since I was a kid. You still got it, man. You still got it, Conan. I watched you warm up this beautiful crowd. This whole podcast thing I love.

John C. Reilly
Cause it's almost like, you know, when I watched your show on tv, I always thought, like, what's it like when they just sit around and shoot the shit? Like, in the room when they're coming up with ideas? That's what you really wanna see after a while. And here we're getting to see it. Yeah, it's been mistimed.

Conan O'Brien
Woo. That's a. Stubhub has too much confidence now. But when, you know, I don't know how much Catholicism played a role in your life growing up, but I know it had a huge, huge influence on me. You might think you're done with Catholicism, but it ain't done with you.

Yeah. What was your. Did you have, did you go to, like, a catholic school? I had catholic instruction where, you know, the nuns had the whole outfit. It was insane.

John C. Reilly
I went to CCD, which I don't even know if they do this anymore, but in Chicago on the south side where I grew up, on Wednesday afternoon, if you were in public school, like I was, they would let everyone out of school to go to the catholic school to learn to be Catholics, like the whole afternoon. And there were like, always, like three kids that were like, I'm Arab, Muslim, whatever. Like, I guess I'll just sit here and draw pictures while you guys are learning to be Catholics down the street. Yeah. So I was the full full.

Conan O'Brien
Was it strict? How strict was it? Catholicism? No, not Catholicism. It's known to be rather strict.

It's pretty much whatever you want to do.

John C. Reilly
You know, in a weird way, it is, actually. As long as you say, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Bless me, Father, for I severed someone's head. I mean, I really think that, like, my dad and all his brothers and stuff.

Like, their attitude was like, yeah, I know the church says this and this and this, but, you know, we fuck up, you know. And so I thought that was kind of a great, you know, I don't know, there was a little bit of flexibility there in practice, but in dogma? No, no, no. But what about when you went to the school? Because some people didn't really happen in my era, but I know that there were people that would say, and I think it did happen in my era, but just not in the CCD classes that I went to.

Conan O'Brien
But they said that, oh, the nun would like corporal punishment that hit you with a ruler, that kind of thing. Did you ever see anything like that? Not at CCD. Yeah, because CCD, you know, we were public school kids. We were like, what are you.

John C. Reilly
Don't you touch them. And it was, for the most part, it was taught by lay people. Believe it or not, that's non Catholic or non priests or whatever, you know. I had this one moment where I was like, I don't think I've ever told anyone this publicly, but just a pretty private place.

Conan O'Brien
He said to the opera boxes, I've. Been doing plays since I was eight years old, and I always wanted to be on stage. And at a certain point in CCD, they said, would anyone like to volunteer to be an altar boy? And I was like, holy shit, it's my chance to get on the biggest stage of all. God, stage, man.

John C. Reilly
Make sure I'm a stage hand, but I'll be up there. And I was like, I would like to. And then the day came when my teacher was like, okay, john, you're gonna go see Pastor Brzezniewski, or whatever his name was. He's gonna talk to you about being an altar boy. And I was like, just me?

And she's like, yeah, just go to the rectory. And I was like, oh, okay. And I went out of that classroom, and I walked down some stairs, and I was like, oh, fuck, no. And I went out the door and went home. I'm not meeting with a man alone.

No, no, no, not this one. No, no. The wrong kid.

But when I went to catholic high school, I was taught by the Christian Brothers, and they used to beat the shit out of you. Seriously? Yeah. They would wail on you for seemingly innocuous things. Like, would they use their.

Conan O'Brien
I mean, I don't want to get too grab, but, like, you were. Did you? Yeah. Slap, slap, slap, slap, slap, slime. You know, like that kind of stuff.

Yeah, yeah. You make it look like three stooges, which is less. It's less toxic when you do that. Yeah, it all seems kind of more fun rather than a child being brutalized. I don't know, laugh it up.

John C. Reilly
It's like some of them were. I know we lived in, you know. You got a good crowd when the. They're like, ah, a child was hurt. I'm gonna change the tone by saying that you contemplated going to clown college.

Conan O'Brien
You didn't follow through, but you contemplated it. You must have read my wikipedia. I did. No, I hired someone to do it for me so I could nap up until eleven minutes ago. Well, yeah, I went to acting school after college at DePaul University, and then I was like.

John C. Reilly
I was actually speaking of the catholic church in those early days. When I was a teenager, I was part of clown ministry. What? That's not a thing. It is a thing.

Conan O'Brien
They were tricking you somehow. Now take off your pants. No, no. Put on the clown makeup. No, it wasn't like that.

John C. Reilly
I actually, you know, to tell you the truth. And there go the opera boxes. Plenty of room. Now, the truth is, I mean, I took all the best stuff of Catholicism. I was like, do unto others.

Yeah, I'm down with that. And what's all the scary blood of the lamb bullshit? I don't even know what that is. I'm just going to ignore that. I just took all the positive things and I like that.

I like the community of it. But, yeah, I was in clown ministry, which I don't. Think that as a segue. That just doesn't segue. So they teach you to be a clown?

They actually taught us, like, really how to be clowns. This is how you do the makeup. This is. These are the rules of being a clown and everything. And then we would go to, like, nursing homes or street fairs or whatever.

We would just wherever clowns were needed, you know?

Conan O'Brien
This is 911. We need a clown in here.

One car, 70 clowns. Can you get them down here?

John C. Reilly
Yeah. So, yeah, so anyway, cut to. I go through. I've been doing musicals since I was eight years old. All the way through high school, I did musicals.

Then I went to the series acting school. And then at the end of that I was like, what am I gonna do? I kind of want to get out of Chicago. I'll go to clown college, which was a thing. It doesn't exist anymore.

But the Ringling Brothers circus had a thing called the Clown College down in Florida. And you'd go down there and they would teach you how to further, teach you how to be a clown. And then you join the circus. You get, like, a five year contract with the circus. And I was like, awesome.

That's like a job for five years. Perfect. And then some guy who actually taught clowning at the acting school pulled me aside. He's like, did I hear you say you were talking about going to con college? I said, yeah.

And he's like, you know what happens? I'm Catholic. I know already. No, no. He said, if you go, sure, they give you free room and board, and they teach you how to be a clown.

They give you a job, but you spent about four years shoveling elephant shit in the worst train car of all of them. It's not, you know. And I was like, okay, nevermind, I'll do theater. Yeah. So you chose your profession so you didn't have to shovel elephant shit.

Conan O'Brien
It's funny. You did a lot of, I'm sure, dramatic work early on and comedy. But you're such a good comic actor. You do both extremely well. One of my.

I remember when, I know you've done. You've done so many iconic movies, but one of my favorites that you've done is your role in boogie nights. Because. And I'll tell you why. Yeah, I'll tell you why.

It's because I think your relationship with Mark Wahlberg in that movie is maybe the. Maybe one of the best depictions of a friendship that I've ever seen. Do you know what I mean? Like, when I see, when you guys meet at the pool and you start talking, that is one of the best depictions of how a real friendship forms in cinema. What do you benchmark?

Yeah, but you know what I mean? It's, it. I just. I've always loved that part of the movie. And then to watch you go through that whole thing together, I thought was the real heart of the movie.

John C. Reilly
Thank you. Thank you very much, Conan. You know, Paul Anderson used to laugh all the time when we were making after the movie was done. By the way, there's a new 70 millimeter print of that movie, which, if you get a chance to see it, it's a revelation. But anyway, he goes, you started off the day with Dirk saying, you know, what do you bench?

People tell me I look like Han Solo by the end of that day. You're saying, want to hear a poem I wrote? Yeah, that's a great. But that's what an arc in one day. And then, of course, when you guys are writing a song together.

Oh, yeah, I feel the heat. I always go back to that. And I always want you to. I want to hear more of that song. Yeah, well, I don't know if you really want to hear more about that.

Conan O'Brien
No, no, no, I don't. You worked with. You've worked with everybody. You worked with Daniel Day Lewis in gangs of New York. And I have to ask you about that because I'm just in awe of that guy and curious what he's really like.

I've always heard he's extremely method. Yes, very, very method. In fact, on that movie, he got pneumonia because he would not wear a warm coat on the set. He would only wear his costume. And it was freezing cold when we were shooting in Italy, but for some reason, he got pneumonia.

John C. Reilly
Anyway, he had a little son at the time, and I had a little son at the time, and he said, and somehow I got word through intermediaries, Daniel would like to invite you to the house this weekend with your son because his son is here, and blah, blah, blah. I was like, okay, wow. He could have asked me himself, but okay. And so I go to this house that he's living in outside of Rome, and he's so lovely. We walk in, he's like, oh, hello, John.

Would you like a cup of tea? And all the kids are in the back. And is there anything else? Like, the most, like, gentle, you know, really just hospitable guy, you know? And I was like, wow.

I had this guy pegged all wrong. So the kids play. We had this lovely time, and I did have a cup of tea with them and just the most gentle soul. And then on Monday, I went to work, and I was like, I'm in with Daniel. I was at his house this weekend.

Our kids play, you know, and I saw him walking around the dressing rooms, and I was like, hey, I want to say thanks a lot for the Saturday. It was really lovely. And he goes, fuck off, Jack.

He calls me my character's name in his accent. And I was like, oh, right, right. Never mind, never mind. There's something about that guy. He has this, like, I don't know if I.

I could probably take him or at least get a couple of good shots in. Sure. I say that about everybody. Yeah. And I'm always wrong.

Now that I think about it. He trained for the boxer probably. He probably knocked me out immediately. But anyway. But physically, you look at him and you're like, I have a shot against that guy.

But there's something about him, this violence that's coursing just under the eyeballs. You're like, oh, fuck. I do not want to be in a fight with that guy. I do not want to fight him. So he has this menace, apparently.

He's, like, making shoes now or something. One of the shows that I shot, this travel show that's on. Not Netflix. Sorry, Netflix, but, Max, Netflix is a joke.

Conan O'Brien
Nice.

And they immediately shut us down. But one of the episodes was in. Was in this part. We were in this little town in Ireland on the sea, and we're there to shoot something at a lighthouse, and someone says, oh, yeah, Daniel Day Lewis lives in this town, and he makes shoes. The greatest actor in the world.

And I really wanted to go in there and just buy a pair of shoes from Daniel Day Lewis and then return them five minutes later. Not quite what I wanted. Try again. Take two.

Take two on my loafers. I really respect that, though. Cause, you know, in all seriousness, being an actor, you know, if you play the violin, the violin gets a little banged up, gets fucked up, you take it to the luthier, and. Sorry, I'm swearing a lot, if there's children here, you take it to the luthier, and they fix the violin. But when you're an actor, you're the violin, and you get knocked around and your heart gets broken.

John C. Reilly
And even though you're only. You know, like, when you drink Diet Coke, your body still has a diabetic response because it thinks it's sugar. Well, when you pretend to do traumatic things, your body thinks it's real, and your soul thinks it's real, so there's a lot of baggage. So I actually really respect Daniel, and I completely understand the craving for a simpler life where you just work on stuff and no one's asking you to change clothes. And, you know.

Conan O'Brien
I heard. Cause I'm such a, you know, Lincolnophile, that on the set of Lincoln, and I thought his depiction of Abraham Lincoln was insanely good. Just like the Abe I knew. Yeah, exactly. What do you compare it to?

I know, I know. It's so stupid. Oh, I looked at my money, and then I was like, that's good.

Looks like the guy on the insurance company. That's a fiver. But no, he was just so amazing. But I've always heard that in the death story, like, that he stayed in Lincoln the whole time, and that people were saying things like, you know, like. They embalmed him or.

No, no, no. He insisted he wanted to be embalmed, and they did. He was very sick for a long time. That'll make you retire. But just, you know, people would say, like, did you see on tv last night?

Well, I don't much about this television you're talking. You know, he was doing that for months, I guess. And then he dies at the end of the movie. Spoiler alert. And then he had to, like, come out of it, which is so intense.

John C. Reilly
Yeah. You know, when I was working with him, I thought, like, man, that's a lot of work to do that much off camera. Yeah, but whatever it takes, you know, every actor is different. Some people can just kind of clown around and then turn it on, and some people need to live it or else they feel like total douche bags. I don't mind being a douche.

Conan O'Brien
Seriously. I would be the kind of actor. I would. I'm not an actor, but if I was, I would just be the kind that's just tell me, am I smiling or am I frowning in this scene? And have someone hold faster or slower.

Yeah, faster. Slower. Smiling or frowning and have the lines right off camera. I love you. I hate you.

John C. Reilly
And Oscar, I gotta tell you, it ain't that different than what you just described. I have to say, I want to talk to you about your show, which is incredible. It's a live show. Mister romantic, I know you've been working. You've been doing it at Largo, which is one of the greatest venues your.

Home away from home. I love Largo. And you've been doing this show. And tell me about the show because it really sounds magical. Well, Mister Romantic is a thing I started doing a little over a year ago after I finished this big tv job.

I was like, I need to do something that means something to me. And I was looking at the world and I was full of despair and joy.

But mostly despair. Let's be real. Been a real doozy of a couple of years, hasn't it, folks? Yeah, it has been. Anyway, I thought, what I'm not good at, like picketing or whatever, get out the vote thing.

But God bless you if you're doing that. Cause it's important. But I'm like, what can I do? And I was like, I can make people laugh. I can dance a little bit.

I can sing songs. So I created this vaudeville show called Mister Romantic. And it's essentially like this mythical character that comes out of a box and it says, hello, I'm Mister romantic. I don't remember what happened before. All I know is when I come out of.

All I know is I have to stay in that box. And when I come out of that box, I have to put it on the show. And I don't have to go back into the box if I can get one person to love me forever. And then I proceed to do this show. I sing all these unrequited love songs, and I goof around.

I go out into the audience and I try to meet people, and I fail over and over again. But somehow at the end of it, people walk out feeling, like, really nourished in their souls, you know? And that was the whole point of doing it. So I hope you come see it sometimes. Yeah, there's a lot of.

Conan O'Brien
I mean, you're very. It's kind of an extension of Mister cellophane. Yes. Yeah, I was gonna say that for Mister Cellophane. And there's a bummer.

John C. Reilly
Theater people out.

Sona Movsesian
A lot. Music's a big part of your life. It is. And I've actually hung out backstage and I've run into you randomly at some music venues where it's just clear, like, okay, we both love music. We both love the same kind of music.

Conan O'Brien
And Jack White. Jack White, I noticed he did one of his tunes. He must have given you special permission. We did. We did.

When we started the podcast, I thought that is the perfect song for the podcast. So had the luxury of having his number and called up and asked if we could do it. I sent him a video from my dressing room here, complaining about the couch and how it was upholstered. I don't know if you know, but Jack had an upholstery company when he. Was younger, and he was.

He was an upholsterer for an apprentice to an upholsterer, and upholsterer for the early part of his life, as most rock musicians are. And when he retires, that's what he'll go back to do, just like Daniel Day. But you have a band, right? Yeah, it's a folk band. Well, yes, that's another band.

John C. Reilly
I haven't done that in a little while. But John Riley and friends. Yeah, we do like bluegrass and old americana kind of tunes. But I'm fully committed to mister romantic right now. And I do have an amazing quartet of musicians.

David Garza, Sebastian Steinberg, Gabe Wisher, who was in the punch. Brothers Daveed and Sebastian were on Fiona Apple's last record. So it's a real crackerjack outfit I got behind me. I haven't heard Crackerjack outfit in a very long time. We're a real crackerjack outfit.

Conan O'Brien
We are. Wait till I get to moxie. I also want to compliment your style for years now. Look at this man's style.

Sona Movsesian
Yeah. Yeah. All right. Give him the ass. Work it.

John C. Reilly
You know, I was on Ellen DeGeneres once, and for some reason that beforehand, this is gonna cause some fucking viral shit. I'm warning you. That's all right. But, yeah, I was on Ellen DeGeneres show, and beforehand, they asked me in the pre interview, like, what would you say is your best attribute? Like, physical attribute?

And I was like, I hate myself. I don't. I don't have any favorite things. And then I was like, give him an answer. And I was like, well, a couple people said, you have a nice butt.

You know, like. And then they asked me, like, 15 other questions. And then I got out there with Ellen, and she's like, I heard you have quite a nice butt. May I see it? Wow.

And I was like, wait a minute.

And I stood up on national television and did this.

I was wearing these baggy old jeans. I looked like I had no butt. It looked terrible. But then I walked away from that. I was like, what if I was a girl and she was a guy?

How would that go down? Do you have a nice butt? I do have a very nice butt. I don't. I have no ass.

Conan O'Brien
And, sona, you've seen this? You haven't seen the actual ass? No, I haven't seen the actual. No, no, no, I haven't seen it. No, I was making it.

No, listen, there was a time there. No, no, no, not that. There was a time when you were my assistant. Yes. When literally you'd be there.

I'd be like, you know, whatever. Boxer briefs or whatever. And you would say, you have not cleared this. Why don't. What are you doing?

Sona Movsesian
Stop talking. This is the viral moment. Yeah. You know what? You should show everyone your ass so that they know.

Conan O'Brien
No, there's nothing there. There's no ass. Yeah. Oh, it's this.

John C. Reilly
How's that feel? I loved it. It's the only. I felt. I felt, for the first time, validated about my body.

Conan O'Brien
My point, Sona, was that you had a lot of fun about the fact that I clearly had nothing back there. It's a straight drop. It might even go in. It goes in a bit. Yeah.

There's a shelf. And I keep rare coins and Hummel figurines. Yeah. It's a negative ass. Yeah.

John C. Reilly
The cliffs of Dover.

And just as white. Chalky white. Yeah. Chocky white. Right down to the sea.

Conan O'Brien
But you also wear hats. I'm not a hat guy. Yeah. I don't. I just can't.

I can't pull off a hat. You look fantastic. Thank you very much. Yeah, well, I always loved hats when I was a kid, which is kind of an actor cliche, a little bit like being into hats. Like, my dad had this one black felt hat that looked like a robber.

John C. Reilly
We used to call it the robber's hat. And when my dad, he kept it in this closet and this very high shelf, and when he would leave the house, he'd be like, let's play with the robber's hat. So, I don't know. It was one of those things. You probably have something like this, like a thing you couldn't have when you were a kid, and when you got some money, you're like, I'm getting hats.

You know? Like, that was me. For me, it's guns. Lots of guns. I have so many guns everywhere.

Oh, dude. I am definitely not a gun guy.

Conan O'Brien
I remember when I was a kid, I just wanted the nerdiest things. I mostly wanted, like, I want a briefcase to keep papers in with a handcuff on the handle, but I had no papers. And I also wanted stamps, to stamp papers. And, like, other kids were out, you know, throwing a football around, and I was like, I've got to get through these papers. And the papers did nothing.

And I was like, stamp, stamp. I've got some stamps. And I used to say, I'll be at my desk.

And I was just. My dream was to be a mid level bureaucrat in, like, soviet era Russia. Yeah, you should have grown up in the Soviet. We'll see. Come back tomorrow.

I'll talk to the directorate. Stamp, stamp, did you ever have a. Thing when you were young where you lied about something so much that you started to believe yourself that it was true? I convinced myself and a number of my friends that I was getting a chimpanzee.

John C. Reilly
They're like, what? I'm like, yep. My parents are getting me one for my birthday. No way. Where are you gonna keep it?

And I was like, keep lying. We're gonna build a habitat in my bedroom. And I said it so many times. I was like, I actually am gonna get a chimpanzee. This is a real.

This could happen. Like, didn't happen. And it turns out they're very dangerous once they grow up. Oh, no. They tear your face off.

Conan O'Brien
Tear your face off. You can't have a chimpanzee. No, I did a scene. Well, I did. In fact, I think we shot some of it here.

John C. Reilly
This movie, walk hard. Yeah, this movie, walk hard. I had so many crazy days on that movie, and one day I made out with Cheryl Ladd, Cheryl Teagues. Wow. A playboy playmate.

This is all on the same day. And a chimpanzee. It was a little baby chimpanzee. And it was like this scene where I'm like, uh, you know, it was supposed to be like, I've lost everyone. All I have left is my monkey, like Elvis or whatever, you know?

Elvis had a monkey called a chimpanzee called Scatter. I do know that because he would. Make everyone run away, reaching up their skirts and stuff. Anyway, gross. He went to jail, that chimp.

Conan O'Brien
Don't worry about it. No, it's much sadder, actually, than I know. I can't believe I know these stories, too. That's the saddest part. Everything.

The minute you brought up Elvis's chimp, I'm like, yeah, scatter. Yeah. I used to lift up skirts at parties. What happened to scatter? How did he desert everybody froze to death in his skin cage outside of Graceland because the housekeepers refused to deal with him after a while.

John C. Reilly
Oh, sorry. But anyway, my story. Hold it. I want to brighten that up just a little bit. Before scatter froze to death, when Elvis and his Memphis mafia were living in Beverly Hills, they thought it was really funny.

Conan O'Brien
They bought a tricked out car that had a fake steering wheel, and they put scatter behind the wheel, and someone else controlled the car, and they would drive through Beverly Hills, and it looked like scatter was driving a car, a real car, through Beverly hills. And any chimp that can have that experience look. So he froze to death. I still think he had a good, good ride. Thank you.

And applause and out. Well, I'll try to keep this story quick. I can't believe you. You're the only person I know that will talk about this shit with me. Oh, yeah?

John C. Reilly
Wait till we get to the Beatles.

Conan O'Brien
They had an alpaca. Yeah, the whole Maharishi scene. That was wild. So I'm doing this scene in wild card. There's this little chimpanzee, and the thing in this script was written like, he's so low.

John C. Reilly
He's like, all I have left is you, bubbles, or whatever. And that was Michael Jackson's chimp. Don't worry. Only happy memories there.

Sweet. Any shot you take hits the mother lode. So this was a very cute, very young chimpanzee with a little pink face and a little, you know. And I don't know what his name was. I don't remember now, but Barney Weinstein.

Conan O'Brien
He'S doing it, so why can't I throw one out? Oh, God. Oh, boy. I'm not great for an animal. No.

John C. Reilly
So this scene was supposed to be this thing. I'm like, all I have is you. Thank you for still being my friend. And we did a couple takes like that, and it was really cute. And I love chimpanzees, you know?

And Jay Kasm, the director, comes up to me. He's like, john, you know, with the. How cute the chimp is and how sentimental what you're saying is. It's like. It's like marshmallow on marshmallow.

It's just not. It's not funny. It's not really playing. How about you go after him? So I ended up improvising this line like, fuck you scatter all you care about us touching yourself and eating fruit.

You never supported me either. And I suddenly turned in an angry way on this little chimp. And he goes like this and then runs away. And they're like, oh, we got to do another one. I do another.

They're like, chimp is not hiding in the back of the bus that we're shooting on. And I know it was awful. I felt, believe me, I really. Chimp froze to death. This one just got his feelings hurt and chilling at the back of an air conditioned bus.

Conan O'Brien
There's proportionality here. And he wouldn't come back. And the trainer was like, you have to apologize to him. And I was like, oh, absolutely. I'm so sorry.

John C. Reilly
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. We're still friends. We're actors, you see? And that party was just like, their eyes, by the way.

When you look in their eyes, it's freaky. It really is. Like a human. They're human eyes in there. Oh, I don't know why I reacted that way.

Sona Movsesian
I'm so sorry. I don't know why I reacted like that. No need to apologize. It's a normal conversation.

John C. Reilly
What if I. What should he have? Bird like eyes, you know? I don't know. Anyway, we had to do a couple more takes, and finally he kept, he kept going when I would turn on him, and I was like, why does he keep smiling?

And he's like, that's not smiling, John. He's about to bite you. Jesus. I was like, oh, okay. We're done with that scene anyway.

It's in the movie? I think so. But you were never attacked by that? No, no. I felt bad, but I made up with him.

Yep, he was all right. Although he's a little like, who the fuck are you now? Yeah. Do you guys ever hang now, now that it's all behind you? No, I don't think it's really a thing that's allowed anymore, honestly.

I think there's laws about animals and the way you can use them in filming situations. I don't think that's allowed. And I just meant I'm 100% behind. I thought you meant you're not allowed to befriend an animal. That's a union rule.

No, you can't, like, keep a baby chimp in a truck and be like, all right, bring him out and have John be mean to him. That's not allowed anymore. Yeah, well, different times, folks. I want to make sure I get the word out. More information and tickets for Mister Romantic can be found@mrromantic.com.

Conan O'Brien
Dot you know, when we do these live shows in a big venue, I always think you need the right kind of guest. And when I found out that it was a possibility that you would do it, I was like, thank the Lord. I would cry the catholic lord for you. This is, you're fantastic. You're a great raconteur.

You're a fantastic actor, and you've been a good friend to me, and I appreciate it. Thank you, Conor. Ladies and gentlemen, there's no one better. John C. Riley.

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I do love that, man. I really do. It took everything in me not to bring up step right now. I know. I know.

Sona Movsesian
Yeah. Cause that. That movie is so important to my life. It took everything for me not to bring up the first chimp that went into space.

Conan O'Brien
What happened to the first chimp that went into space? Oh, take a guess. He didn't come back. I didn't know that. I think he's still out there.

Yeah, well, he is. He might be alive. No. Oh, wait, you have to. You can't just say that and then move on.

Dr. Arroyo
What did you guys do the whole. Time you kept talking about dead chimps. I didn't know there was a chimp. Who sent it up there. The US, the Soviets?

Conan O'Brien
Who sent it out? I think we both did. Yeah, we gotta do the chimp before what you go. It goes like, mouse dog, chimp before. You do humanity, right?

Sona Movsesian
Yeah, you gotta make sure the chimp. But I thought the chimps all came back. I don't think so. I don't think they did. Well, I know.

Conan O'Brien
I'm not sure. No, I think the chimps came back. Did the chimps come back? No, they didn't. What kind of people are you?

Matt Gourley
This is Wikipedia. Yeah, we have a recreation of Wikipedia right here. Okay, well, maybe they didn't come back. Maybe they crash landed, thought they were safe in Elvis's yard. Oh.

Conan O'Brien
Sorry. See, that's kind of one of those o. Henry endings where they think we're okay now, and then they freeze to death later after being forced to perform at parties. Look, I think you're gonna think about that on the ride home and really enjoy it. You got a chimp.

It's a chimp and a lot of laughs here. They can't all be winners. Okay, well, we have a nice little thing where we have some pre selected votes, voicemails that we're gonna take from the audience. These are real voicemails that are gonna happen right now. Yeah.

Piper. Hi, Piper. How are you? Is it on? Oh, yes.

Yes. It'd be kind of stupid if it didn't work. Yeah, that would be. Hi, Piper. How are you?

Piper
I'm good. How are you? This is. Oh, thank you for being here. Nice to have you here.

Amazing. Should I just ask the question? Sure, yeah. Okay. So nice to meet you first.

Conan O'Brien
Nice to meet you, too, Piper. Can I ask where you're from? I'm from here. Los Angeles. Culver City.

Very nice. Fun fact about me, I work at a trendy grocery store called Erewhon. I don't know if you've heard of it. Yes, I've had your $90 carrot. Oh, good.

Piper
What'd you think? Little worth. Every $90 I spent on it, I go to Arowan and just look and go like, oh, my God, this is incredible. $47.99 per minute. Exactly.

Conan O'Brien
Yeah. And then I have to. You have to coast sign alone to get. But it's quite fantastic. My hat's off to this incredible thing you guys have done with food.

Piper
It's a fun time to work there. So, as an air one employee, I'm curious about your smoothie taste. We already have Hailey Bieber's skin glaze smoothie, and we also have Olivia Rodrigo's good for your guts smoothie. And we might need another one soon. Yeah.

Conan O'Brien
Cause everyone wants to know my beauty secretary. Well, there you go. How can I look like Conan O'Brien? I asked myself without having a car. Accident, I can't wait.

I can't wait till you guys have a Conan O'Brien smoothie, and then all the 17 and 18 year old women show up. Well, that's my question. Conan. If they were to make a Conan O'Brien smoothie, what would be the name of it? And what would be inside?

Okay, I don't know. What? The catechi. Yeah, let's call it the catechi.

I would just throw the health thing out the window, I think, if I. Oh, yeah. I would just not go for that. I would take a whole loaf of bread and grind it down, and then I'd put, like, bologna sauce in there and miracle whip. Everything that I had is kid.

You know, and I would just. That I would sit and watch, you know, television in my cat and crunch. Cat and crunch with crunchberries. And I would put all that in there and grind it up. But then tell everybody, oh, it's tapioca, and it's made of, you know, Gwyneth Paltrow smiled at it, and it costs $900, and then you eat it, and your cholesterol goes through the roof, and you're only 19.

But they have to put a stent in your heart.

Piper
That'S evil. Oh, yeah, I know. Who'd you think you were talking to, St. Mister Rogers? This is Conan of hot ones.

Conan episode. I should have. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah.

Conan O'Brien
No, I think it would be a very unhealthy smoothie and probably not worthy of erewhon. Well, I'll make sure to tell my manager. Yeah. Thank you. Oh, just.

I'm sure your manager's a regular fan and will hear this. Hi. I'm a naive idiot. All right, well, very nice to meet you, Piper. That's a great question.

Thank you very much.

Actually, I do try to be healthy, and I put two fistfuls of spinach into a blender every day, and a little pea protein and other stuff, and. I just lost you, all right? No, you didn't. It's just the way you did, like, two fistfuls of spinach. I didn't do that.

Matt Gourley
Sexualizing, I didn't do. I never did that. You did. Did I do that? He did.

Conan O'Brien
No, I didn't say, I take two fistfuls. Yes. Then I jam them up my rectum, swirl my ass around. What the hell? I didn't do that.

Sona Movsesian
It did. You did that. You did that. No, you did that. Look up it.

She's nodding. You did it. This man has a right to be heard, okay? He's waiting patiently at the fake microphone. You're Jatin?

John C. Reilly
Yes. Congratulations, Jatin. How are you? I'm good. I've come here all the way from New Delhi, India, just to see you guys.

Conan O'Brien
No, you didn't. Did you really? You came from New Delhi? Wow. This is like that time we had.

The guy from Denmark. Yeah, that's right. All the way. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Sona Movsesian
How's he gonna come back up here?

Conan O'Brien
Seriously. Honor. A real honor. Thank you. It's.

Jatin Varma
It's an honor to meet you. I've been watching you since 10th grade, so this has taken 26 years to finally be here. See you live. Just. I don't know what to say.

Conan O'Brien
That's crazy to me, that really. I want to say your name correctly. Jotun. Jotun. That's.

I mean, means everything to me. Seriously, that anyone would let someone that young watch it was the show. They used to air it on CNBC in India. They aired it on CNBC until the government intervened, I'm sure, and said, this must stop. Well, I mean, I used to watch it while studying for my exams, and my father wouldn't know there was a tv in that space.

Jatin Varma
And on the weekends, they would air your show. In the beginning, I didn't get the jokes, but eventually. Okay. Juddin. I mean, after, there's a thing in.

Conan O'Brien
America where we stop when the fun stuff is over. We stop, and then we don't keep going to the part. That's not so good. No, but it went. And I'll tell you something, that was not a language barrier.

There's really nothing to get with some of that stuff. No, I loved everything on the late night show. And then when I got to college, I came to us and I came to New York. I stood in line to get a pass, standby ticket to your show. I couldn't.

Jatin Varma
I got a bus to last call with Carson daily. I didn't go for that. But.

But ever since then, I lied to everyone back home that I actually saw you live. I've been saying that for over 20 years now. I can leave it. Do you want to get a picture? Do you have a.

Conan O'Brien
How can we prove to people that you can send this to people and they'll just say, who's that weird woman you're with?

Did you have a question or. Yes, I did. Was this just a cheap ploy to get that photo? Well, I mean, I did come all the way, so. But.

Jatin Varma
So back in India, I do a bunch of things. I produce comic book conventions called Comic Con India. I publish books, comics. I've even produced television shows. But all of that has been a stepping stone to my main goal, which is to produce my own Bollywood movie.

Conan O'Brien
Oh, wow. And I'm actually there now. You're gonna produce a Bollywood movie? Yes, I'm actually reading scripts. True fact.

Jatin Varma
So I wanna ask you, do you wanna star in my blog? Yes, I do.

Conan O'Brien
Yes, I do. Because. Yes, I do. No, it'll be our debut. Let me just say one thing, and I'm totally, 100% serious.

Let's turn towards the crowd because they're the ones watching. This is a historic moment. Yes, this is a historic moment, because this marks the death of your film career. Jadin, I very much would be so thrilled and honored to be. Be in your movie.

I want you to be a success. I do not think I should be the star of your Bollywood movie. And I'm saying this as a friend now. You're my best friend from India now. So first of all, I know you have some visa problems in India.

Jatin Varma
Sort it out.

Conan O'Brien
Okay? That's actually true. True. I. It's a long story.

It doesn't really involve. But years and years and years ago, we filmed a bit. And one of our. And it was actually a very funny bit where one of our writers, Andy Blitz, had a hard time with his computer and decides to take it to the call center and travels holding the computer on the plane. And it was a really, in a lot of ways, really brilliant bit.

But he forgot, we forgot, or he forgot, or someone forgot to get all the paperwork done. And so we're on some bad list with the indian government, which, you know, I've tried to reassure them. No, no, no. Andy Blitz is long gone. I've had him killed.

Jatin Varma
Your team can contact me. It's all sorted. What are you talking about? Why should I? Shouldn't be.

Conan O'Brien
Let's talk about. You should stop talking about paperwork, for God's sakes. We've got an audience here. I should not be the star. I should be a quick comic turn.

John C. Reilly
No, no. All right, come out. I'm acting like. I'll tell you why. Because you're tall, handsome, great hair, no chat in.

No, no. Take a closer look.

Jatin Varma
I don't mind.

Conan O'Brien
Also an old irish head and it's rotting fast. Jotin. No, no. So it's not getting better every day. It's getting worse.

Jatin Varma
Some of our biggest actors are. Right. At your age, are they still the most popular actors? Also? I mean, at my age also, I.

Conan O'Brien
Have you researched how old I am? Kind of, yeah. But also, I want to tell you, we have. In India, we have an unhealthy attraction to being fair. You would be the fairest of them all, for sure.

I. I. You know what? Here's the thing. Here's the thing.

I am gonna move heaven and earth to try and help you with this. I really am. Yeah. And. But, you know, we'll try and figure it out because my time is so valuable.

I'm kidding. I have so much time. No, because, you know, you were on hot ones recently and I saw the whole gamut of emotions. Hot ones? Yeah.

Jatin Varma
So what, you know is that I'm. Not too old, but old. And you thought I tolerated hot sauce as well? No, but. And you want me to be the star.

Conan O'Brien
Star of your movie. You went through a range of emotions. So you can. I mean, you can bring it, you know, so I'm. I'm willing to finish.

What's the name of the movie? Well, I mean, we're still working on that, but the star needs to be on the sign first. You know, then we can get to the script. We can customize it. You are so full of shit right now.

There is no movie. There's a fan.

You know what? Let's get your information. And I would love to try and make this happen, but you know what? I'll say, whatever happens with us, and I say this sincerely, it means, I don't know why, but for some reason, trying to connect with people in any way means the world to me. And the fact that you saw me when you were ten, and saw something in all that foolishness, and that we connected, and that now we're here, is magic.

So, thank you so much, Matt, I. Know you edit the show. Please do keep everything in. If you can share a clip, I can prove to people I met, I. Promise you, I will keep it in.

Wait, you're interfering with the editing of this podcast. Nice to meet you, Dusona. Nice to meet you, too. Just stay out of my podcast. I'm kind of trying to get on.

John C. Reilly
Koenigsegg as a fan, too. Okay, yeah, you just went a little too far. All right. I think we should. I mean, that's such a high note.

Conan O'Brien
I think we need to. I think we need to say goodbye to everybody. Thank you, Javan. Me figure out. Oh, Jesus.

Sona Movsesian
Oh, Jesus. No, don't do it. Don't do it. Don't do it.

Let me help you. Oh, shit. All right. Jesus Christ. Matt Gorley just whispers in my ear, the last guy drove 2000 miles to be here, so we're not done.

Conan O'Brien
Get him down here.

Where is this man? He's still driving here. My God. Hello. Closer to the mic.

Hello. Yes. You can take it out and you can hold it up to your mouth. You're allowed to do that? You drove 2000 miles to be here?

Yes. So, wait, do I owe you money? Your whole attitude is not joy, but like. Yeah. Yes.

John C. Reilly
Remember me?

Conan O'Brien
Jesus. Look at his whole pose. Do we even have security? Oh, my God, are you a bounty hunter? I'm just happy to be here after the last guy.

So that's so. Yeah. So my wife and I right here, we. We just celebrated. We gestured to 10,000 people.

Conan O'Brien
Hi, how are you? This beautiful redhead woman. Hi, how are you? We celebrated our 29th anniversary on the fifth. Oh, happy anniversary.

John C. Reilly
Thank you. And for that, we scheduled this show, but we had some extra time, and so we were in Orlando at the time. We split time between Utah and Orlando. That's where we come from. And apparently that's pretty hilarious.

Conan O'Brien
No, no, it's probably under the more facts than we need, but I'll. It's cool. It's good. We're all good. We're all friends here.

And so we decided to take a drive. We went up to Oregon, went all the way down the coast, down at the wood. Oh, you only get to look at the old Pacific. You see all that? Saw the redwoods.

Conan O'Brien
Saw the redwoods. What'd you guys talk about?

What? Sorry.

We just listened to Conan O'Brien. Needs to. That's what we did.

John C. Reilly
So. As you've all been amazed at what I'm doing for my anniversary, my question was, take your time. I'll get to that a bit. The last guy just made me the star of a fucking Bollywood movie.

Conan O'Brien
I mean, literally, the biggest firework in the world in the history of live podcasts blew up. And then you're like, no, it's not over yet. I took a drive.

Conan, we're huge fans. Oh, we. Let me go on and on. Thank you. No, we started watching you back in 1996 when our oldest daughter was very, very young and we'd wake up at night to take care of her.

Conan O'Brien
That's nice. And you were our only friend on the television. And so since then, we've been huge fans. We went to your show in New York in 2007, and now we're here. My question.

That's very sweet, and I appreciate that. Okay. I do. I believe you. I meant that.

That's sweet. I want to acknowledge that that's meaningful to me. I'm happy that it is. Thank you. I'm serious.

What the fuck is going on? I don't know what's happening anymore. I'm a big star in India.

I'm no longer welcome at Arowan. We'll invite you to a barbecue. Yeah. Okay. So you have a question.

I do have a question. So my question is, Conan, I'm in the. This is my listening very carefully, not distracting. What is. What is the worst possible way to celebrate major anniversary with your partner?

Conan O'Brien
Oh, well, you are. You are skating very close to it yourself. It's this moment right now. Yeah. You drove 2000 miles to tell an anecdote on a podcast.

What's the worst way? The worst way. I don't know, Matt. Someone. I don't know what the worst.

What's the worst? Doing someone else. What? Oh, soda. Doing someone else is to the point.

I think that's the right answer. Doing someone else? Yeah. And wait, while you're looking at your partner, are they in the room? And you're like.

And you're looking at them. Well, that for some people, that might be a kink. It's like. I mean, like, that would be for me. Yeah.

Sona Movsesian
Well, it would be if it's the worst, it means that you're, you know. You're cheating. Yeah. You're fucking someone else. Okay, so we understood.

Conan O'Brien
We got it. We're. All right. All right. This is also simulcast on Nickelodeon.

Take it easy. I think she has the answer. Doing someone else. That is terrible. What's that?

That is terrible. It is very bad. Yes. You're a pretty chill guy, aren't you? You take life as it comes.

Conan O'Brien
I like it. I do like you too. What's the plan now? You've. You've.

I mean, you've come here, you asked me the question and what do you do now? And not, like, in detail.

We're gonna go home. I wish you a great trip and happy anniversary.

Conan O'Brien
Hey, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. I don't know why, I don't know what we did in a previous life. But we do have the funniest, coolest, most amazing fans.

Thank you very much for being here. I want to thank Sonam obsession, Matt Gorley.

Let's hear it for the best band that could ever help any man.

You know, it's been an incredible night. John C. Reilly is a friend and it was so nice to connect with him. But then to meet some of you and then to get to sing this song without having to pay for it. Because I know the guy who wrote it.

Follow Seal, hear the l, back to school ring the bell brand new shoes walk in blues climb the fence books and pens I can tell that we are gonna be friends I can tell that we are gonna be friends walk with me, Susan through the park and by the tree we will rest upon the ground and look at all the bugs we found safely walk to school without a sound safely walk to school without a sound here we are, no one else we walk to school all by ourselves there's dirt on our uniform from playing with the antsing worms we climb up and now it's time to learn we clean up and now it's time to learn we don't notice any time pass we don't notice anything we sit side by side in every glance teacher thinks that I sound funny but she likes it when you sing tonight I'll dream when I'm in bed silly thoughts run through my head bout the boats in Alphabet when I wake tomorrow I'll bet you and I will walk. Together again.

I can tell that we are gonna be friends yes, I can tell we are gonna be friends.

John C. Reilly
You guys are great. Thank you so much. Look for my new movie coming out soon from Bollywood. Take it easy, everybody.

Matt Gourley
Conan O'Brien needs a friend with Conan O'Brien Sonam of session and Matt Gorley produced by me Matt Gorley executive produced by Adam Sachs, Nick Liao and Jeff Ross at Team Coco and Colin Anderson and Cody Fisher at Earwolf. Theme song by the White Stripes incidental music by Jimmy Vivino take it away, Jimmy.

Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair and our associate talent producer is Jennifer. Samples engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns. Additional production support by Mars Melnick. Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Bautista, and Britt Kahn. You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts, and you might find your review read on a future episode.

Got a question for Conan? Call the team Coco hotline at 669-587-2847 and leave a message. It, too, could be featured on a future episode. And if you haven't already, please subscribe to Conan O'Brien needs a friend wherever fine podcasts are downloaded.

Conan O'Brien
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John C. Reilly Live From The Orpheum Theatre

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1. Opening Monologue

2. The Journey of an Actor

3. Comedy vs. Drama

4. Musical Interlude

5. Audience Q&A

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