Sandra Bernhard | Club Random with Bill Maher

Bill Maher
We took it all. We brought them to our land. An endless night. Amber hot and icy cold. The rage of the earth.

We made this curse, carved it in the blood on our backs. We did not see. We could not. But she did. And in the end, what will I become?

Sandra Bernhard
Senwa saga hellblade two. Play it now with game. Pass. Well, the pre orders are over. My book is out now.

Bill Maher
It's called what this comedian said will shock you. And it's available now anywhere you get your books. I can't believe you and I never dated for a minute. Shondra, I expressed an interest in Washington, DC. What club?

Sandra Bernhard
Random. You took care of children, and I. Took them to school in the morning. I think this would be some sort of a special girl. Random, what have you been doing for the last 40 years?

Bill Maher
I've seen 40. No, 50. I used to see you every night. Right. At Katya, rising star.

Well, every night. There was a time when you were all there every night. Well, I came in and out of New York because I was based here. Yeah, but there were months, and unless I'm misremembering. No, no, because we would all go every night.

It was like de rigueur. There was. Well, you were the emcee. I was? Yes.

Sandra Bernhard
Yeah. Don't make me brag. Well, I mean, you know, we all have our past, but without our past, we wouldn't have our present or future. But the name of that club, catch a rising star. I mean, I certainly was never rising, like, from that club.

Bill Maher
I mean, I moved out here and then slowly moved up the chain. But you had. I mean, I remember, like, that was the definition of that club. When you got king of comedy. And when that came out, right.

I mean, suddenly it was like, there was a few times when somebody who was in your midst now is on a different level. And it was kind of awesome. I know. It was just surreal, the whole thing, the way it happened. The audition process.

Jerry Lewis, Martin Scorsese. Yeah, I mean, Marty and Bobby. That goes without saying. Cause they're more contemporary. De Niro.

Yeah. I mean, see, this was like comics and t shirts in the club, you know, so we weren't even thinking about movies. We could get a sitcom. That was the big thing. Yeah, well, I wish I'd segued into a sitcom.

Sandra Bernhard
I'd have a lot more money now. I got paid scale for the king of comedy. But, of course, it was incredible. Yeah. I mean, it's so funny.

Bill Maher
I mean, you've gone to these places in this business, so many varied places. Both, like, big show, busy mainstream Hollywood movie, and then also lots of avant garde. Yes. I mean, I think that's how people think of you. I hope they do.

It's a great thing to be thought of, and you deserve it. Very few people are legitimately avant garde, but you were. You are. I'd like to think I still am. I mean, at least I'm, you know, I'm still in the game of avant garde.

Oh, I know. You did New Year's Eve. Where's that place you'd ordered? Joe's pub. Joe's pub in New York.

It was so good. They wrote about it in the Times. I know. They did a nice piece on me this year. It was like, wow.

Oh, I have recordings of that. You know, I have you in my ipod. I hear it frequently singing midnight train to Georgia. Yeah. Which you ended at least one show with that.

Sandra Bernhard
Yeah. Yeah. Well, that was my special. I'm still here, dammit, on HBO when I was pregnant, and I never talked about being pregnant, like every other woman in Hollywood, when they get pregnant, they use it as some sort of, like, cudgel or something. Now, what are you putting in your drink?

Bill Maher
Oh, this is just a little something to relax you. And because you're not relaxed enough, well, it looks like some sort of milky. Is that THC or something? This really blows everybody up. What is it?

It's ging. What's that? It's. You know what it is? It's a way to have diet soda, carbonated diet soda without any chemicals.

Sandra Bernhard
Oh, good to know. Yeah. These people I keep, boy, they oughta to be my sponsor. I mean, I'm sponsoring. Why aren't they?

And why aren't you? Or maybe they are. I don't know. I don't follow the business end of this. I don't follow any of this.

Bill Maher
I just show up now and talk to whoever's there, but I do want to know who's there, because I only want to talk to people I like. Do you miss going to the Playboy mansion? Didn't you go there quite a bit? Wasn't that one of your hangings?

They had five parties a year, and I went to the parties, so I was there five times a year, and you'd think I'd live there because they would always take pictures when you're there, and then they would be in the magazine, so, like, five times a year, my picture was in the magazine. So, yeah, they look like. No, it was the Midsummer night's Eve party. That was where women were lingerie and the men wore, like, you know, whatever you wear to bed. What do you wear to bed, a.

Three piece Oxford suit? No, I wear a smoking jacket sometimes. Pre bed. A legitimate smoking jacket. And everybody always says, oh, Hugh Hefner.

It's like, okay, he certainly loved his. But he didn't invent the smoking jacket. No, of course not. Professor Henry Higgins wore one in my fair lady. Exactly.

And wore it well. Do you wear pajamas to bed? No. Do you sleep in the nude? I do not.

I sleep in the nude from the bottom down. I don't. So you wear, like, some sort of a shirt? I wear a t shirt, yes. Why?

Sandra Bernhard
I don't know. That's just so funny. I mean, the idea of wearing something on top but not on the bottom. Well, because bottom's under the covers, whereas the top, you get a little cool. Like a cool to blow over.

Bill Maher
It's a little too cold sometimes. I like it cool in the room. I don't like being naked from the bottom down. I just don't sleep naked ever. And what do you sleep in, James?

Sandra Bernhard
I sleep in pajamas. Pajama bottoms and a t shirt, because I like to. If I have to get up in the middle of the night, whether I'm in New York and there's an emergency or there's an earthquake here, I don't want to be naked. I want to be able to jump out, jump into my slippers and hit the ground running. What about your girl?

Bill Maher
You're still with your girl, Sarah? Yeah. Wow. That's a long running Broadway show. It was 25 years.

Congratulations. Wow. It had to happen sooner or later. Well, no, I mean. Well, it did, though.

Sandra Bernhard
It did. It did. I mean, I couldn't go on like that. You know, I needed somebody to ground me, and we ground each other. But again, you were, like, in a stratosphere that us comedians were never in and have never been in.

Bill Maher
I mean, you're like your best friend Madonna, and, like. I mean, shit like that. We just. And I'm sure you were at all the hippest, most innist places and parties and years. I was.

Sandra Bernhard
But they don't even. But that doesn't even exist anymore. I mean, that sort of, like, level of groovy, really? No. Are you sure?

Bill Maher
It doesn't exist because our time has passed to be invited to it. I was never invited to it the way you were. Look around at the people who have taken, you know, grab the mantle and run with it. Are these people that we want to hang with? I mean, I don't want to name names.

Sandra Bernhard
Cause I just like, I don't want to get into. I don't like pissing context. Right. I'm tired of that. Right.

But for me personally, I mean, you're. Saying the cool kids in the class are not that cool in this class. I don't think so. That's what I mean. I mean, you know, fashion was at its peak, you know, in the eighties and nineties.

Bill Maher
Of course they're gonna say, we're just saying that because it's not our generation. And you just. It's absolutely, definitively true. I agree. Things are not the same because of social media, because of overkill, because everybody thinks they're a part of.

And people kept that scene getting just dumber as far as call that. That's a fucking understatement. No, especially with social media. And a lot of it is just reading. Like, reading a book is just a very passe activity.

I think I mentioned this before, but there was a comic who hosted SNL one week and he did a routine about how he just would never read a book. It's like page after page of words, are you kidding? And the audience is laughing their ass off because they all obviously agreed, agree and completely experience it, have the same feeling. Like a book. What are you nuts?

We don't read books. I mean, we scroll at best. So you're dealing with if people don't have some sort of bad. I feel like even cool people in the studio 54 days also like new shit. They weren't stupid.

Sandra Bernhard
Absolutely. Mick Jagger wasn't stupid. And, you know, Bianca wasn't stupid. Certainly Andy Warmer wasn't stupid. Right?

Bill Maher
Wasn't stupid. Yeah, I mean, there were some just beautiful people there, but they were fucking them and snorting coke off their ass. But there were also just people who were like, you went out to a club and it was sexy. Also probably intellectually stimulating. I don't know if that happens amongst.

And again, we don't want to say the names exactly. You don't want to say for two reasons. I don't want to be in a pissing contest and I also don't want to elevate them to make people think that it bothers me or I think about them because most people I don't think about, right, and it's just better left unsaid. Let me ask you something that I'm fascinated with, and I'm so tired of this conversation, but I'll throw out one name. Mark Harmon.

Sandra Bernhard
Mark Harmon. I'm just kidding. I am so tired of people talking about how you can't say anything funny anymore. And. Yeah.

Bill Maher
Cause we do. But you know what else drives me crazy? It's when you have conversations like that, the funny goes away. It's like, I wanna be funny. I wanna have fun.

Sandra Bernhard
I want things to be kicky and crazy and carefree and madcap. So I don't want to disseminate how things aren't funny. You can't be funny anymore. That's bullshit. Don't you agree?

Bill Maher
Oh, yes. And even dissecting it is boring. That's my point. I can't stand it. Right.

And also, it's so stupid. Like every, after every administration, the press calls up like a lot of the late night comedians and they always say, you know, now that George Bush is gone, you know, will you be funny anymore? No. Comedy will end and we'll all forget how to do it and everyone in Washington will be so perfect and non nonsensical that we won't have. Exactly.

Sandra Bernhard
Well, there's no chance of that anymore, that's for goddamn sure. Let me ask you another question. There's so many things I wanted to ask you because I haven't seen you in so long. If you had your choice of what you consider to be the perfect candidate for president, who would that person be? Me.

Bill Maher
Not as a candidate, but to do the job. I think I can do the job. Great. Why the fuck, why the, all of America thinks that? Why don't you?

Because I can never win the job. And quite frankly, I'm not willing to sacrifice what I'd have to sacrifice to do the job. But it's a moot point because, I mean, are you kidding? I wouldn't even go on a roast, let alone put myself through a presidential campaign. The things they would say about me.

And not that I've ever really done anything bad in my whole life, but I mean, that's not, it's the perception. And, you know, never married and pot smoker, an atheist and. Are you kidding? And also, I like my job. I think that seems right on target now.

Sandra Bernhard
I mean, I think that would probably be the best possible. No. First of all, unmarried for my whole life, the Republican, the half of them would think I'm gay.

Bill Maher
The other half would think, well, the other half would be a lot more accurate. You know, I just, you know, like girls. What would they be accurate about? I like girls. But we all know you do what.

We have in common. I mean, yeah, but I'm just saying, in America, first of all, their idea about what is age appropriate is narrow. Really narrow. Like, I've seen a ten year age difference be talked about in the, you know, in the tabloids. This is like, well, there's a, you know, a ten year age difference.

A ten year age difference. You know, you date women who are ten years older than you. I've always known that about you, Bill. You love an older woman. I'm going out with you.

Sandra Bernhard
I think at this point you're probably dating an 80 year old. Would you date Jane Fonda? Jane's hot. I love Jane. I know you're friendly with Jane.

Bill Maher
Yes, of course. I mean, I'm not. If Jane came onto you and, like, started making out with you, would you make out with Jane Fonda? You know, I know the politically correct answer is to say yes, and I'm sorry. I'm just not that cat and never have been.

I have to be honest. Like, we should never castigate anybody for what their personal preference is, especially in that most intimate and personal of areas. Your choice. No one would ever. Dealer's choice.

Exactly. There's no one in this enlightened age, and I mean that sincerely. I'm not being snarky. No one in this enlightened age would ever golden age question if someone wanted to be gay or trans or so they also shouldn't question any sort of, as long as they're normal and legal. Heterosexual.

Sandra Bernhard
What is normal and legal? Well, dating someone younger than you. Well, you would not date somebody who was 17. No, that's illegal and inappropriate and not even attractive. So at this point, what is, what, what's the cutoff that you would think people would judge you for?

For dating somebody younger, less than 60? That's what I'm saying. Their window is so narrow for what. They find because they're jealous and they're. Exactly, they're envious and they wish that they had, you know, the freedom to date somebody.

Bill Maher
I know everybody. Listen, it's okay when Cher does it. Well, I think it's. I think it would be, which it is, but it's okay if you do it. I mean, you, you're well established as a player, and everybody has always known that about you.

Sandra Bernhard
Yeah. Some people are even always asking me about the Playboy mansion. I like. Listen, I had a very, very. They were fun, those parties.

Well, you know, I was in Playboy. I was on the COVID of Playboy in 1992. I have it, and it's a damn good spread. My friend Michelle Komp shot that layout, and I wrote all the accompanying story, and it was a very liberating experience for me. Again, these are things us other comedians didn't do.

Bill Maher
We were just there. Chances of a male comic, like, being a model is like, almost next to nothing. But a Playboy cover is iconic in a way. Few things are. Well, I don't think there's any other comedians who've done that either.

So Trump got it once, but it was very rare because obviously the COVID was usually the. Wasn't it? The girl in the middle? Trump was on the COVID of Playboy. I believe he was.

I know he says he was hard to be.

I mean, isn't that amazing? Can you imagine back when we were in catch a rising star, when he was like, he was famous even back. Then, you know, and whatever, it was like he was just a New York kind of fixture. Absolutely fixture. Exactly.

Sandra Bernhard
Whatever. You know, a bad businessman, but put up a lot of ugly buildings. Right. I mean, he had already started to, like, corrupt the landscape. But when he was young, he was tall, handsome.

Bill Maher
What? He's always an odd looking dude. I don't think most people would see it that way. I know. I mean, he couldn't wear a suit.

Sandra Bernhard
He had the worst taste. And, you know, well, he had a haberdashery, shall we say? That's true. But he was not going for that. He has a.

Bill Maher
He's a brand. I always compare him to McDonald's or any of the fast food places that he loves. Exactly. But the fast food places, for some reason, they know through testing of some kind that what makes Americans want to eat is the colors red and yellow. Is it?

Yes. I guess it's like the ketchup and the mustard. Whatever it is, it's perfect. Cause he looks like he puts ketchup. Exactly.

Sandra Bernhard
The red tie and mustard in his hair. Exactly. The red tie and the yellow head. You can do a character of him with just like a little dash of yellow and red, and you'll know it's Donald Trump and it's the same colors. I wish we could laugh.

I wish. I mean, I want to have fun. I wish I could laugh. I guess we're just going to have to laugh. Of course.

Well, I mean, what else is there to say? Your thoughts on Robert Kennedy Junior?

Yes. Maybe he drank some tequila and the worm got into his brain from the tequila.

Remember an urban cowboy when the bad guy that Deborah winger temporarily hooked up with took the worm and like this and ate it? It was very sexy and creepy. I remember the movie at the time. I haven't seen it. Oh, really?

Bill Maher
Should I watch it again? Yes. It's, you know, urban cowboy. It is one of the best movies ever made. It's sexy.

Sandra Bernhard
It's Americaptures. America, right. And Deborah Winger is like, she's next level. Yeah. I mean, she certainly had a run there with terms of endearment, an officer and a gentleman.

Don't talk to me about how much I love officer and a gentleman. Now, that one I could watch again. I watch both those movies whenever they're on, along with, of course, the Godfathers. You know, people can't get ready for me. My girlfriend, every time she walks in, she goes, don't tell me you're watching the godfather again.

If it's on, I'll watch it. It doesn't matter if it's like the long, you know, drawn out version, the one with commercials. If I come across the godfather one or two and it's on, I will sit there mesmerized, like I've never seen it before. I've been trying to, like, figure out how many times I've watched each one. I'm sure at least 100 each.

Bill Maher
A hundred? Yeah, because I went to see it when it came out. My father took me to see Godfather one when I was. I was probably 15 or 16. Came out in 70.

Sandra Bernhard
Was it 71? 72 was the first, 174 was the second one. Okay, so I would have been. I would have been 1516. And I went to see it and I've been obsessed ever since.

Bill Maher
Me, too. I mean, I thought I was bad, but that's. Yeah, but it is. I can just see you being somebody. Like, if we were hanging out and we were just, like, watching tv and the godfather came out, we would just go.

Sandra Bernhard
We put everything else aside and we would be laser focused on the Godfather. It's an abortion, Michael. And holy. Just like our marriage, it was a boy. Because all of this has to stop.

And she smacks her. Right? That's the one. That's funny. That of all the things, that's the scene.

Bill Maher
Yeah, but that. I mean, that is a pretty. Most people wouldn't pick a k, but she was great in it, too. And that is a great moment. I mean, that.

Sandra Bernhard
But stern, of course, I was heartbroken when, you know, the woman he marries in Italy gets blown up. Apollonia. Apollonia. And that was sexy. That was hot.

And then there was never another mention. Does Kay ever. Does Kay have any idea, do you think, that he had gone to Italy and married this woman? Well, you know, that's the kind of thing an actor probably has to think about because they ask you to know your backstory. Right.

Bill Maher
You know, like. But I'm just wondering. I'm just wondering if that was ever, like, referred to or thought of. Or there was some. But I don't think.

Sandra Bernhard
I don't think. There's one thing we do know about Michael Corleone, that he can cold bloodedly stare his wife right in the eyes and directly lie. Yeah. Michael, did you have anything to do with the killing of Carla? I'll tell you once and never ask me again.

Bill Maher
You could ask me about my family this one time. One time. No. No, Michael. Right.

Sandra Bernhard
And then missing. That's why I've always thought the moral of this movie was women are pushovers. No, I'm kidding. Well, a lot of them are. Well, I mean, a lot of them are.

Who was I thinking about? Actually? It's like, oh, once in a while I stay with my friend, you know, Michelle Lee of Nott's landing fame. Of course, I stay with Michelle Lee when I'm in LA and we have the best time, but she's addicted to HGTV, and I am watching it the other day and there's just shopping. No, it's the house.

You know, where they do the house makeovers. Oh, okay. It used to be fun, and now it's just total dreck. It's drat. So this couple, they're down in the south.

I'm a husband and wife, and she's constantly leaning on him and looking up to him. And I'm like, this shit's still going on. I guess it's what people buy into, you know, people still want that kind of dynamic in relationships in this country, which is why there is such a backlash to women's abortion rights, to reproductive rights. It's like, I mean, what the fuck is going to happen? Things have not changed as much, in my view, as the media would have us believe.

Bill Maher
I mean, if a Martian came down and watched tv, he would think we're all gay or trans or fluid or binary or whatever on the spectrum. But yet the bachelor is still on. That's always my argument. That's like my glove that I throw. If the bachelor is still on, aren't we basically who we always were?

I mean, they want the ring, and they want. Yeah, it's true. I'm sure that even at the highest levels of celebrities, I mean, this is outside of P. Diddy's house. But other places, like even the.

Really the ones you think are having the orgies and that stuff, I think the women are still exactly as. Women are everywhere. If you're really with somebody, they're not into orgies and threesomes and other chicks and the fights and the issues that they have in their marriage are just like the guy and the woman who are living on $48,000 a year and living in a two bedroom apartment in Van Nuys. It's the same shit. Yes, it's easier when you have money in that, but it's petty jealousies and seeing too much of each other.

No matter who you are. Even if you're the beautifulest people in the world, if you see each other every day, it's so obvious that they get sick of each other. You could just track it through the pictures in the tabloids. Tabloids, I always say it. They can lie about a million things, but pictures don't lie.

And when people are first into each other, the pictures, they're like, you know, you can see the laughter. They're looking at each other in the face, eye contact. And then. And then straight ahead, we're here with J Lo and Ben Affleck. They're on round two, right.

And they've already got them beefing sometimes. I mean, when you're. But when you're out in public and you're still beefing, that's an indication that. Yeah, things have gone awry. Well, let me ask you something.

Sandra Bernhard
Have you ever come close to marrying anybody? Have you ever been, like, with somebody and you thought, okay, this is it. I'm done. I'm just the one. So what happened?

Bill Maher
Jane found him. The year was 1968. I was twelve years old. She was just back from Vietnam. She just on flute.

I fell in love with her. But then I loved my country too much. And she was Hanoi Jane, and I couldn't do it. Jane find it, by the way, as beautiful a woman as there ever has graced Hollywood. Gorgeous.

Gorgeous. Like. And she's maintained it. I mean, you know, she goes through a lot to maintain it, but it works. And what balls.

I mean, unbelievable. The balls to the things that she did and the way. And it's still doing and is still doing. But, like, at a time when the focus was intently on her and also, like, lived very humbly when she was. Married to Tommy, oh, my God, she gave up.

Sandra Bernhard
It was like. It was like, you know, almost like monk like. Well, it wasn't monk like, but it was definitely, well, for her middle class, like, you know, the washing machine is broken kind of shit. And living in this kind of neighborhoody. Place out of Santa Monica.

Bill Maher
Right? But guess what? She sprang back from that shit. She was like, I'm done. I'm back in Hollywood, I want glamour.

Sandra Bernhard
I want to have fun. I want to have a hot house and be sexy again. She's like, enough of this shit. But she never. She has never lost her sense of social justice.

Bill Maher
Yeah, no, she hasn't. I mean, she's out there still getting arrested. It's unbelievable. For the climate stuff. For the climate, you know, situation.

Sandra Bernhard
But no, seriously. Have you ever thought, this is it? Yeah. I was engaged when I was 29. Okay.

Where were you at that time? I was in my first house living out here on Orange Grove. Orange Grove? No, Orange Grove. It's one block east of Fairfax.

Yes, I know Orange Grove. Yeah, my first apartment was on Norton Avenue. Now, this was my first house. Yeah, California. It was the cheapest house you could possibly get.

Bill Maher
The California bungalows. But they were charming. They were from the twenties. Oh, the best. In some ways.

They were more interesting than the houses today. Molding and like, lots of fine work. Yeah. Spanish bungalow. No, from the twenties.

I mean, it was a neighborhood that was fighting for itself. I did wind up moving. Cause the whores kept hanging out on the corner. So it was just the ones from my house. I was gonna say.

Sandra Bernhard
Was that the breaking point? No. No. So who was the person you almost married, you were engaged to? Oh, well, somebody I met in 1985, probably at the improv, because I lived there.

Yeah. And I can't really remember. You don't remember her name? Oh, I do. Of course.

Bill Maher
I'm not gonna say it now. Are you in touch with her? I'm not. Not in touch. It's been a minute, but.

Sandra Bernhard
A minute. She ended up getting married? I believe. She did. She was from the Midwest.

Bill Maher
I spent a little time in Iowa. We're in the Midwest. Iowa. I spend some.

Sandra Bernhard
Shit that's as rough as the midwest gets, honey. I'm from Michigan originally. At least the. Michigan's got, you know, motown. Iowa is actually one of our richest states.

In what way? Money farms. What do they grow in Iowa? Food. Well, I know, but, like, wheat?

That's not Kansas. And is that more further west? I was. No, I was certainly. The breadbasket.

Bill Maher
Absolutely. How different. My history is for shit. No, your geography. I mean, it's.

I mean, if. And my history, though, that's a second. I mean, it also borders Illinois, so it's, you know, it's not that far from Chicago. No, I'm just. No, no, I'm just telling you I thought the same thing.

But because of the Iowa caucuses, we see every year. But that brings out, like, the evangelical weirdos and shit. Oh, I'm sure it has million fucking rednecks. I mean, it is Iowa, but I'm telling you, it's not as stupid as you think. And of course the Iowa writers, you know, lab where they do every year people come and have these writing sessions.

Sandra Bernhard
They're very intellectual. They're making writers in the lab now. Well, sort of. Along with meat and everything else. I forget what it's called.

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Bill Maher
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Hey, I'll be at the David Copperfield Theater at the MGM grand in Las Vegas on June 21 and 22nd. I'll be at the Orpheum Theater in Minneapolis on July 13. And on July 14, the Riverside Theater in Milwaukee. We took it all we brought them to our land. An endless night.

Amber hot and icy cold the rage of the earth we made this curse carved it in the blood on our backs we did not see we could not but she did. And in the end, what will I become? Senwa saga hellblade two. Play it now with game. Pass.

Do you smoke anymore or did you ever. I have never smoked. I mean, I. You've never smoked pot in your life? I'll tell you something.

Sandra Bernhard
Twice I've eaten edibles, almost ended up in the hospital. I hallucinate. I am a wreck. I'm just like. I'm too susceptible.

Bill Maher
Well, you must be around them. I mean, come on, with that crowd you hung with. And where do you live? Downtown. Right.

Sandra Bernhard
I live in Chelsea. That's downtown. And the art kind of art. Lots of art galleries, you know. Lots of art galleries.

They don't smoke hot anymore. Like in social. They don't? No. What a bunch of fucking losers.

Maybe they do. I don't know. I just like. Did you see my shirt? Thank you for pot smoking.

That's funny. That's a cute t shirt. Now will you sleep in that? I could. Yes.

Bill Maher
I may have. I may denied. I could easily see having this. Are you involved with anybody now? Are you dating anybody?

Yes. Somebody for a while or somebody? Yes.

Sandra Bernhard
How long do they usually last? A year. Last time I saw you, this is your. You were in my apartment. Because we hung out at Natalie Mains, who I had dinner with last night.

She sends her regards to you. I was just playing for somebody. Her version. Natalie's version of you can't hurry love. You know, it's unbelievable.

Bill Maher
I mean, the original, you can't really top it, but she shows it such justice. Anytime she covers something, she brings something unique to it. And her voice is so crystal clear and beautiful that you can't. You can't falter. But anyway, so you were in.

Sandra Bernhard
You were in my apartment. We were hanging out with Natalie, and you were dating a very fun woman who actually came to my show, my one that I was doing at that time. What year are we talking about? This was a long fucking time ago. I would say nine.

2005. Okay. I'm not. Yeah. Okay, so she was an interesting lady.

I don't know. If you were, like, hanging out with her that long, you might have been just somebody you were. Right. Well, I mean, that's certainly in the era when I was very, very militantly trying to maintain my singleness, you know. Your autonomy.

Bill Maher
Yes. Which I still have done. I don't think, you know, you can ever really. Well, I couldn't make it work with someone if we both didn't sort of feel that way about autonomy. So how often do you see somebody when you're in any kind of a semblance of a relationship?

Sandra Bernhard
What is an average doctor? I'm going to end. I'm curious. I know you are, but I want. For any sort of, like.

Bill Maher
I know, but I want to answer these questions in generalities, but I do want to answer them because I want you to know everything about me. Well, it's about time. I know. And vice versa. Absolutely.

You know what? In my high school yearbook, once, you only get to know the good people at the end. Kind of reminds me of that. Wow. Anyway, are you feeling.

Sandra Bernhard
Are you feeling mortal? Come on. I'm 68. Are you? Yes.

I'm a year older than you, and I will be 69 in June. I turn to 55. You look good. You look healthy, honey. I like.

I take excellent care of myself. You still look like you. Yeah. Thank you. You look healthy, you know, inshallah.

Bill Maher
Yeah. You still have good features, you know, that's as good as we're doing. As good as we can do at this age. Absolutely. Because as Richard Belzer used to say, oh, the bells.

We're punching 70 in the mouth case, Mark. But where the fuck did it go? I say that all the time. But you know what the problem is? The two years or two and a half, three years we lost in Covid because it jump started it.

Sandra Bernhard
You know what I mean? It was like we were on hold and it fucked it up. I feel like I lost two years to Covid and I lost 30 to being stupid. Meaning what? If I could have just gone back and not been so stupid at every juncture of my life, you wouldn't be.

Who you were or are. Or maybe I could be who I am better. We all feel that way. I look, there's so many things I wish I had done. I know things I wish.

You know, a couple of roles I wish I'd taken more money. I wish I'd made. But you know what? Somebody. I read some quote recently, like, resentment or envy is like the poison that you're hoping is killing somebody else or something.

Bill Maher
I remember after King of comedy was such a sensation. Everybody's like, what you gonna do next? And then the conversation was, what's she waiting for? Like, why isn't she doing. I didn't wait for fucking shit.

Sandra Bernhard
That's just. I'm telling you, those were the years where people were like. I was waiting for somebody to come to me with something that was equally as dynamic. And nobody fucking came to me with anything. And it was shit.

Bill Maher
What about the one where the taxi drivers solve crimes?

You too good for that? What was that? I just made something up. What was that? That was like every.

Sandra Bernhard
Well, then I just. Then I just reverted to doing my one woman shows. Because I didn't want to end up in some. No, you. Here's the problem.

The king of comedy was an oddity. It was a one off. You would never see another film like that again. And then they kind of reverted back to doing the brat pack. And this, that.

And the other thing in the eighties that I didn't fit into. No. So there just wasn't. Had the king of comedy happened in the late eighties, nineties, there would have been indie films that I could have segued into. There weren't any films.

Bill Maher
As one great manager once said to a client, you know, your problem isn't this business, kid. Integrity. Yeah, that's for sure. You got it. You know, in the long run, it serves you well.

Sandra Bernhard
I can't believe that you and I never even dated for a minute. Shondra, I expressed an interest in Washington, DC, and I believe it was 1997. I mean, yes. What? Okay.

Bill Maher
I knew it would come to this. We went. We were both booked at Garvin's, which was the gig in. Garvin's. I mean, you have to laugh at some of these names of these clubs.

But you remember it. Garvin's? Of course. Of course. Of course I do.

Right. And that weekend. I definitely. And you definitely not so much. And you know what was a damn fool?

You were not. You made the complete right decision. And that's what. Well, you just would have broke my heart anyway. I mean, you know.

No, I was just. I mean, at that age. That's what I mean about, like, I can't get back those 30 years. When I was just so dumb about everything. Like, there's a good example, just if you want to just pick out a moment.

If I wasn't an idiot back then, maybe I could have scored with you. You could have, right. Exactly. I could have. If I knew how to step to a woman, which I did not.

Which is not unusual for somebody who's 24 years old. But it does make life painful. And why wouldn't my life just be better if I didn't have to go through that stupid pain of always doing that. I told somebody this before, but you'll be amused. I think I was looking at this picture of myself that was taken when I was 28.

And somebody was looking, God, you were good looking. And I'm like, wow, that is kind of a hot picture. And I had this epiphany that back then, whenever I couldn't get with a woman that I wanted to. I always thought, I am not good looking enough. Because I got this awesome personality.

And then I realized, oh, my God. It was the exact opposite. I was plenty good looking. Adorable. Just an idiot was exactly.

My personality was the problem. Or at least some of the time. I mean, who was going to give you the nuances? You know what I mean? Who was going to teach you?

Yeah. I never had an older brother. And my parents of my generation didn't do that. Kind of like. Honey, are you kidding?

No. Fuck, no. What was your upbringing like? Were you normal? Well, no.

Sandra Bernhard
I mean, I was born in Flint, Michigan. I have three older brothers. My dad was a doctor, an osteopath. Wow. My mom was an abstract artist.

Very talented. Very talented painter. Wow. My dad was abusive to my. Abusive in what way?

Just hated having kids. And treated my brothers like shit and kind of doted on me. But, you know, still, it was. He crossed too many lines. And then we moved out to Arizona when I was ten.

And we left Michigan suddenly. I think he. I think he had knocked up his nurse. We don't know that's what we think. But, you know, all of a sudden, like, within three months.

We left this life in Flint, Michigan to move out to Arizona.

My brothers are all amazing. We're very close. They're all like, fabulous people. My mother was great. My dad left my mom after 38 years of marriage.

Best time of my mom's life is now. My dad is still alive. He is 101. He lives in Arizona completely with it. He's totally estranged from me and my brothers, but we keep tabs on him.

Secondhand tabs. And you have no desire to heal that before he goes? Oh, he won't do it. No, he is estranged from us. What is he mad at you for?

He's just mad at all of us because he thinks we ruined his life without my mom. Ruined his life? We don't know. Really? You really don't know?

No. There was absolutely no reason. What is he. Has he remarried? Yeah, he's remarried twice.

Bill Maher
So he has a wife now? Yeah. He's with a woman named Bonnie, who's a lapsed Mormon. How old is she? She's probably in her late eighties.

That's not age appropriate by my calculation. Well, she should be at least 98 for that to be age appropriate. She should be 50. How she should not be because my. Dad had enough money.

Sandra Bernhard
Maybe she would be 50, but he's not exactly, you know, rolling in the dough at this late date. But anyway. But they're retired, and they just. No, he's still practicing medicine. He would if he could, believe me.

That nutter. But anyway, I wish him the best. It's sad when, you know, your parents are still on the planet and you can't connect. That's terrible. The last time I called him was on his birthday.

He goes, you're calling me on my birthday? Who gives a shit about their birthdays? And he screamed and yelled at me. And I said, you can't talk to me like this. Oh, my God.

Bill Maher
That shows up. It was so sad. Oh, that's terrible. But he's not nice. Oh, I see.

Sandra Bernhard
He's just not a nice person. I hate to say it. No, say it because it's true. He sounds like a huge dick. He is.

He's very trumpian in his own way. Yeah. You know, and then the years unfold for a lot of men, as you know, and they get caught up in, you know, the white man complex. Like, you know, we didn't. We've been blamed for everything.

And this is this. And this is so, you know, I think that's. He got swept up into that. Yes. I call it the Fox News vortex.

Well, he's definitely. He's definitely. This must be one of those swirly things on Fox News. Cause they. Roseanne.

Wait a minute. Did you talk to her? Lately? Yeah. She sat right there like a year ago.

How was that? It was awesome. She was on her best roseanness that day. It's so funny. We did like an hour and 20 minutes, then she went, I gotta go to sleep.

Bill Maher
And she was just like, she fell off and goes, no, she just like, when it was over, it was suddenly over. But until it was, she was fun, funny, crazy, of course. But also, you know, I don't know if she's winking at the craziness she knows I am and then she laughs. So she must, one of her personalities knows that her other one is a joke. And so it was fantastic.

I loved it and I love her. But there's someone who got into trouble because she watched Fox News and she got swirled in to this worldview. And she has never met a conspiracy theory she doesn't love. That's what, you know, much as I knew her or didn't know her, I didn't realize how deep she was into all that. But by her own admission, she was in a car accident.

A bad one, right? I forget about that. Yes. Well, and she had, in a minute. And she, I was just saying she bumped her head very badly.

And, you know, she has not been exactly, you know, compos mentis 100% since that. All right, so maybe there was some damage. There was. And, okay. You know, she's, you know, she deserves a lot of credit for all she's accomplished with that.

As a albatross around her neck to it. Is that as a baseline, a bubble? But yes. Well, the show, I mean, the original Roseanne was one of the most brilliant things. Well, you were on it, right?

Sandra Bernhard
I know, and I was, it was like to watch her right in her. Metier, you know, I was on it one week. Was I there? I believe you were, but only for like a few lines maybe. Yeah.

Bill Maher
I played a boudoir photographer. She wanted to spice up the marriage by having boudoir photographs taken. That's insane. I love that she came to you for that. She's great with that.

You know, that's the thing. Yeah. Oh, she, she cast that show to perfection. Well, she, they just gave me that job because they knew I was struggling. Like, let's, you were struggling that recently?

Recently. This is like 1990. Okay, well, I always remember you from the get go of being successful at that point. Absolutely not. I mean, I came out of here in 83.

I was doing the Tonight Show. I got on a writing on the Tonight show. No, I was being a little chimp for six minutes. You know, here are my six minutes of jokes. Oh, okay.

That was fantastic. You're great. Funny stuff. We can all relate to that. That's Bill Mayer.

He's gonna be. You do get impressions. Jeff Steinfeld. That's what he called Jerry the first time he booked Jeff Seinfeld. Perfect.

He's funny. It works at all the comedy stores. Jeff Steinfeld. Hys hysterical. I know, but what are we talking about?

Sandra Bernhard
You're talking about how Roseanne gave you a gig. Absolutely. And also my very first episode of politically incorrect, that show which you helped make famous with your spat with that guy. Oh, my God. Literally, a spatula.

I spat at him. Or so they said. I never even saw him. Like, there's a pruner film. I couldn't see the spit.

I didn't. Well, I think I was just so completely fucking outraged. It helped us. We were a brand new show on a brand new network, and there was like some. It was like, you know, this is before social media, but there was like.

Bill Maher
Because it was you. This viral buzz about like, oh, wow, you gotta watch this show. It's not just like the other talk shows they spit on, but that was the idea of the show, was to just cast. It was brilliant. Mismatched people.

So Sandra Bernard with the preacher dude. There's gonna be some spinning. There's gonna be. There's more spinning. He started, like, weighing in about what, you know, Judaism.

Sandra Bernhard
And that's what put me on the fucking edge. Yeah. Oh, whatever it was. No, wait a minute. Is your mom jewish or your dad?

Bill Maher
Yes. I mean, I always say Jewish because, like, ish. I never found out that she even was until I was 13. She didn't go to church with this, but I never questioned it. And then, I mean, I've never been in a temple.

She's never been in a temple. But culturally, they were jewish? Yes. So your mom grew up, her parents were jewish. Her father left immediately.

So she had a single mom. I don't think religion was like, no, no, no, no. I'm not. No, I just mean the blood of Jews. The blood of Jews.

Sandra Bernhard
Blood of Jews ran through you and her and your grandparents. I guess so, yes. Is your mom still living? No. She'd be as old as your father.

Yeah. Okay. At least they'd be age appropriate. My mother's not living either, sadly, but, yeah. Your mother what?

My mother as well is no longer living, sadly. But my father is way outrageous. You parted ways with your mother on great shows. Oh, the best, right? She was unbelievable.

Bill Maher
How old did she live? To 92. That's pretty good. It is good. No, my mother was an only child from, like, this was way ahead of her time.

The father left, like, when my mother was an infant. So her grandparents. My grandmother. Yeah. And so she raised my mother, but with, you know, it was one of those.

It takes a village. Yeah. The family, the grandparents. This is much more common these days than it was then. And the father just took off and she never really knew him.

So. Now, what about your dad? What did he do? He was very, you know, that was Irish Catholic, you know. Really?

Oh, yeah. Maher is a very irish name. They were. I mean, my grandfather, who I never met, he was dead before I was born, but he had a brogue. Wow.

I mean, he spoke. He came over from. No, no, no. But the Irish, he was not the. No, he was not the first one here.

I think that was the generation before. Yeah, but he had the brogue. It just came with the territory. Well, the irish things were very clannish. You know, they were like all.

Sandra Bernhard
Yeah, that's what I mean. It was always just like they were around. They were all the cops. You know, that cliche of firemen. Oh, melly on the corner with your big Shillelagh.

Bill Maher
You know, that? And the firemen. Right. And the Pauls. And my grandfather was that.

He was the head of the boatsman's union. Where was this? This is New York. Oh. And did you grow up in New York?

I grew up in New Jersey. Suburban. And do you have siblings? Yeah, the sister. Yeah.

But when I lived close to her. Yeah. Yeah, I think we're pretty close. But when I lived in New York, when I knew you, I mean, that was always the. I mean, I was a little Tony Minero in Saturday night fever.

You know, the guy across the river in the borough who's looking to Manhattan as the place. If I could just get to Manhattan, at least I'll be in the place where cool people are and that things are happening and so, like, moving to New York, to Manhattan, into my rat hole. Where was your first apartment? Oh, my God. Well, first I lived in a rent free situation.

Sandra Bernhard
Horse. It was a big fucking penthouse apartment on the east side. And I lived in the maid's room, which was about as big as where we're sitting here. The bed came out of the wall. A Murphy bed.

Bill Maher
Murphy bed. And so I lived there rent free in exchange for what I had to do, which was I was basically the au pair. And I hate children. I was like, you took care of children. I know.

Jeez, you do what you have to do. I just got a heart health attention. Oh my God. That is the funniest damn thing I've ever heard in my life. It really is.

Sandra Bernhard
What did you do with kids? How old were they? There was twins and then an older one, and I took them to school in the morning. Okay, well, I can see being able to accomplish that. I rode on the bus with them and then I go home and sleep.

Bill Maher
Cause I was up all night at the clubs. Right. And then I would have to get up and pick them up from school, take them to their stupid after school whatever shit they did. Yeah, their after school activities. Yes.

And then I was supposed to speak French to them. That didn't work out too well, but. I, you know, with an irish brogue. Wait a minute. Do these kids know about this?

Sandra Bernhard
Are you in touch with them? No. That was weird. I think this should be some sort of a special. By the way, Bill Maher was your nanny.

That would be a wake up call. How old do you think these kids are now? Oh, I can tell you exactly how old they were. How old? Okay, so it was 83.

Bill Maher
No, no, 83 is what. And I moved out here. This was 79 my first year in. Oh shit. So they're like.

Sandra Bernhard
Well, they're in their forties. Well, I mean, wait a minute. Maybe they were like, I was. Maybe you can date one of them. Too old, too old.

Bill Maher
Too old, too old, too old. Way too old. And they were boys. Oh, I thought there was one girl. I would say the twins were seven and the older one was ten.

So he was born in 1969. So he's 31 plus 24. He's 55. Oh, 55, you're right. Wait a minute.

Sandra Bernhard
How did you get this gig? What parent did you know? David Remnick. Yes, that David Remnick. Could I finish?

Bill Maher
David Remnick. Yes, that David Remnick was a friend of my friend suggested I look in the back pages of the Village Voice for rent free situations. I went on one and it took me, I was so naive. It took me an hour to realize it was an old queen.

Sandra Bernhard
I don't know. It's a toss up. Old queen, three kids. I don't know, Bill. No, no, not this one.

Bill Maher
This is the first one I went on. It was an old queen. No no, I'm saying what would have been a more appropriate setting for you? Roommates with an old queen and with you carping and bitching like, you know, the odd couple or taking care of three children. He would have wanted blowjobs.

Sandra Bernhard
Oh, there was some there was a dog. I mean, I finally caught the hinge, you know, but then I saw this one and I talked my way into this one. And then my girlfriend at the time who was in Israel, she was a linguistics major. And she. This is right after college, she would come back for like a month at a time and live with me in that little shoebox of a place.

Bill Maher
And I had to tell them it was my wife. We didn't, neither one of us had rings, so it wasn't. We didn't care. I mean, they. This was 1979.

Sandra Bernhard
They were using you. An unknown quantity, a stranger. Right. And they were so cheap, they couldn't fucking pay and hire a real name. Did they pay you as well?

Bill Maher
It was just free rent and food. But I didn't like her cooking. Oh, you had to eat the cooking. The woman, not with them. But my little cubby hole was off the kitchen.

And I lived the different hours. One of the things I did was I bought the next day's New York Times. They would leave a quarter out for me. A quarter. It was.

How quaint. And when I was coming home, walking home from catch, it was. You'd pick up the. Correct. Because newsstands were open 24/7 so that's.

Sandra Bernhard
When I knew you then, right? That's right. It would have been a little difficult for us to have a moment at the house. Well, first place, you had a girlfriend. Right.

Second of all, like, we would have like, woken up in a 79. Yes. Oh, okay. I used to come to New York. Cause I'd already done a couple of smaller films.

And I'd come to New York and usually stay with my friend Marge gross. Remember Marge? Marjorie Gross died of kids. Yes. Sadly.

Heartbreaking. Part of the 40 wave. She was fucking funny. Oh, my God. Remember her opening line?

Bill Maher
Isn't it amazing what humidity does to straight blonde hair? That is the best. Oh, my God. And you're into it. She was.

Sandra Bernhard
Anyway, I would stay, actually, you know, where she would live part of the time was in Larry David's rent. You know, they had the actors housing that big. Okay. So I would stay there. I don't know where he was.

Maybe he was in California. We'd crash at Larry David's place in the actors building. Right. We had so much fun. And the person across the hall was Kramer.

Bill Maher
Was Kramer. That's crazy. The person who was Kramer was based on. Who was based on. Yeah, there was a real Kramer.

Well, no, that building. Jim Valley lived there also. That was that. What did they call it? The.

It was something what it was, was government subsidized for actors, the arts. Yes. Yes. And so comedians, imagine, what I can imagine is that I was too stupid to get in on that which others were clever enough to get in on. I can't believe you did.

Oh, no. I was like a dormitory. You know what I mean? It was like, basically, no, these were. Nice apartments because they were government subsidized.

Somebody pushed through a bill because something, something, blah, blah. We have to help the arts. And so next few thing, you know, comedians wound up with really nice apartments. And I was living on 8th Avenue above a bus stop. That that was my main apartment in New York for three years.

Sandra Bernhard
8Th Avenue. Oh, where 55th. Oh. You poor thing. I mean that.

Listen, you deserve all the success in the world if you had to live in that fucking part of town house. Well, I also lived in Spanish Harlem back then. It was rough. Yeah. I was so poor that they left me alone.

Bill Maher
How poor were you? I was so poor. I was so poor. I was so poor, I can't think of a joke. I was so poor, the criminals left me alone.

I mean, that's really kind of true. But that apartment was really rough. No shower went down the hallway? No, it was a tub in the kitchen. And with an attachment.

Sandra Bernhard
But you weren't into any attachments, so that must have been very hard for you.

I'm so unattached, I don't even want to attach something to my bathtub.

Bill Maher
No, you make it sound like I'm heartless. I would never. I respect you. I don't know. I don't really know how you operate or how you have operated.

Sandra Bernhard
This is the most time we've spent together. Well, I'm going to tell you. I'm going to speak in that generality. I'm going to speak in that way. We never got around to the generalities.

I could have left her and still not now. Let's do it. All right. Okay. Go.

Get it on. Get it on. Get it on. Get it on. Get it on, get it on.

Ow. Ow. Okay. Well, first of all, it's a badly designed system. I'm talking about romantic entanglements.

Bill Maher
At least the way we do it. Because anytime you see somebody every day, you're gonna ruin it. I mean, not completely. And people find ways around it, but there's no way. There's no.

Nobody in the world is that interesting. Nobody is that sexy. Nobody is that anything that you can just do it day after day, week after week, month after month, year after year, decade after century after century. Millennium and this is what people don't want to admit or say or pretend isn't true. But of course I will do it.

And I will take the, take one for the team and just say, that's the truth. The secret is to somehow find a way to have continuity without, like that over the top constancy that makes everything numb. So that's my generality. And how you figure out how to do that, that is up to you, but that's what you have to do. Some people say, oh, he travels a lot, so we don't see each other that much.

Things like that can help. But I feel like you have to really build something into the system so that maybe there's no reason, maybe why you're not seeing something every day. But it's better to miss them. It's better to miss them for most of the time than be over them all of the time. The corner of the century.

Just pretend that they're like a war correspondent and they're gone. Oh, and then they come home and it's like, oh my God, you're going to live through the war again. And we're together. It's amazing. Oh, and you got to leave again.

Sandra Bernhard
In another said how often a week? Well, again, we speak in generality. Okay. So in generally, if you're with a person you're with right now, how, maybe. You don't even live in the same city.

Bill Maher
Maybe you don't even live in the same city. So maybe you don't live in the same city. Maybe you don't. Okay, enough said. I mean, you don't want to go there.

Sandra Bernhard
I respect you for it. I don't have any truck with that. I don't give a fuck. Good. Of course you should never have.

No, I'm like, I'm open to like as long as you said it. As long as people don't hurt. Do you remember the Woody Allen movie? The title was whatever works. Yeah, I think that was one of his lesser offerings.

Bill Maher
Actually. I thought it was one of his more. Larry David played Woody Allen. Okay, let me talk to you about that movie. I had a part in it.

Sandra Bernhard
The only time I ever got called by Woody Allen to be in a fucking movie. And I worked for one day that night, wrote me an email and said, I apologize. I miscast you. It's all on me and I am terribly sorry. And replaced the role or replaced me.

Bill Maher
We're the one that Larry David that. Dropped the fell out of the window on.

I don't remember the movie that close. Okay, well, isn't that funny, though? That is funny. So maybe I don't have the warmest feelings about that movie, right? And I was like, now you're casting me in something.

Sandra Bernhard
And the character had two casts on her legs and a cast on her arm. She was replaced by an actress who I happen to really like, and I can't think of her name right now, but she was so much better. I'm not a Woody Allen type. You know, he likes the, you know, like Diane Keaton. They're kind of like, you know, they're like this and, and they bump into walls and they, yes, they do.

It's like me, right? We were never gonna, we were never. Exactly. You're so right. We were never Mia Farrow, the same thing.

Hapless. Hapless. Brilliant, but hapless. You're right. Hapless.

He likes hapless women.

Bill Maher
But, okay, so there's a number of people who have done the stand in for Him AlsO. Actors like, of course, I mean, every ONE of them. Kenneth Branagh did it. Yeah. Who's this?

Sandra Bernhard
So many have done it. So manY. So many have done it. Some of them better than others, but they even, but he writes the parts so that they have his vocal cadence. But my point is, Larry David was the one who kind of was appropriate for standing in for Woody Allen.

Bill Maher
They're both from Brooklyn. They both are. There is a I feel thread from one of their comedies, but he's so. Not like anything like Woody Allen, Larry. But I felt he pulled off doing the Woody dialogue in a way that was very naturalistic because maybe, but it.

Sandra Bernhard
Doesn'T matter because at a certain point. I mean, but I mean, the subtext of the movie, of course, was, well, I mean, he was roundly criticized for eventually marrying, but at the time just dating his girlfriend's adopted daughter. Well, soon he was there on the set, so I didn't, I decided I was just going to lay in the hospital bed with, because they had these fake casts on me. I thought, I don't want to take all this shit off and do it. So he comes in with Soon Yi and I'm laying in a hustle bed and he doesn't even introduce soon yi to me.

And he barely said two words to me. I was like, what is this shit? I don't even get to meet soon yi. You know, I don't want to make this comparison, but I'm going to. Maybe I shouldn't.

Bill Maher
But if you watch the Beatles documentary about making let it be, John Lennon treats Yoko the same way, it's like, you know, we heard that Yoko broke up the Beatles. He never even looks at her. I mean, the whole thing is between Lennon and McCartney. If you watch it, a love affair. A love affair, real love affair that was still going on in 1969, plainly.

And Yoko is just like, I'm sorry, but just there. She's just there. I mean, I know, but anyway, it's just so funny. You brought that film up out of all the films, and then I was cut out of it. It's better.

Sandra Bernhard
Believe me, I would have been. I was so wrong for the role. I really was just reminded of the title and the concept that in love affairs, whatever works, mostly. And I even defend soon yi because people. He married his daughter.

Bill Maher
He did not marry his daughter. She was not his daughter. In her own words, she once said, yeah, it's a little offbeat, but love kind of is where you find it. I don't, you know, I don't know. I mean, I got to draw the line there a little bit.

Sandra Bernhard
It's like Woody Allen has his choice of a lot of prospects. It's a little funky. He was a father figure. He was. No, he was barely there.

He was a shitty father figure. He was like. He was not. He talks about that in his book, which is brilliant. Apropella of nothing.

Bill Maher
Have you ever read it? I have not read it. Okay. I know you have a thing, but I bet you. No, no, honestly, I don't have a thing.

You would love this. I'm kidding. I grew up on Woody Allen, and, you know, it's. You'd love this book. You really would listen for whatever and whatever and whatever.

Sandra Bernhard
You can't take away the years and years. Brilliant movies that Woody Allen has made. I mean, there are moments in it that you look at and go, well, that was a little tawdry, but nonetheless. Yes, but I also, I mean, when the subject is Woody Allen, I always have to say, lots of bad ones. Lots of ones that just didn't work.

Bill Maher
And I think he kind of feels the same way. Lots of bad ones. Just bad movies. Oh, like movies that just bad. Absolutely.

Sandra Bernhard
But I'm talking about the early. I'm talking about the early years. But he did. Yes, the early years. But he did so many movies that if you just take out the bad ones, it was like, wow, he's still got like 20 great ones.

Absolutely. And he doesn't think so. He said, he has said, I don't think I've ever made a great movie. I beg to differ. You've made many, many great movies.

Bill Maher
He just works a lot. He does. I mean, that's his thing also. I mean, the discipline we should all have, right? Two movies every year, sit down and write, right?

Sandra Bernhard
I don't know about you, but that's. The bad side of that. When you're like, every year I do two movies, it's just like, friggin way. You'Re gonna do endless. It's a little, right.

Bill Maher
But, you know, we all have to be, we're all just, we're all just. Human and we're all full of foibles and mistakes. Well, we're all slaves to our personalities that we were born with. He's the kind of guy who needs to do exactly the same thing every day. And in the spring and the fall, I shoot the movie, and in the summer and the winter, I write the movie and I get up at 08:00 and I do this.

Sandra Bernhard
He eats cornflakes every day. Yeah, whatever it is, I know it's just another, no, I'm just saying we all have our things that are programmed into us and then it's out. I would like to, I would only hope and wish that the other 50% of humanity was as disciplined and had something that they got up every day and wanted to do with that passion. And I think that's the biggest fucking problem with our world. People have either had a beaten out of them, they never had the opportunity to even have the time to discover something they loved, or they just don't care.

Bill Maher
I mean, in his case, I mean, first of all, just read this book as a writer. I will. It's just only because you laugh. And also he goes back to like the fifties, that whole thing on your show of shows when it was that giant 1927 Yankees lineup of writers on the same show, Mel Brooks and, oh, I can't remember all the fucking. Probably doc Simon, Neil Simon, you know.

Jesus. Which when we were. Do you believe that? What? Neil Simon?

Sandra Bernhard
Just those people. But, you know, all on the same show, not even remember Mel Brooks, Neil Simon, Woody Allen. I mean, just right there. That's pretty crazy. But there were others.

Bill Maher
Yeah, I mean, I must say, when I've watched those shows from the fifties, I feel I find them to be horrible, not funny. Well, that's the problem. But they were great writers who went on to do other great things. I just think, I think comedy doesn't translate through the ages. No, it doesn't.

Right. You're absolutely correct. You know, I mean, it's like watching. You know, the Marx Brothers occasionally. Yeah, I mean, you're like.

And they. And they translate. Stop, please stop. I can't watch them killing me. I'm so bored.

Sandra Bernhard
This isn't people who, like, love the Marx Brothers now. I'm always like, you don't love the fucking Marx Brothers? That is such bullshit. Well, if you just took like, the best, like, three minutes, you could. I mean, Groucho does get off some good, like, one liners, but you'd have to, like, cut it way down.

Bill Maher
I agree. The whole movie is hard to get through. It's a lot of the comedy writers who went to Harvard, they like the intellectual ones that love, you know, the marks that claim they love the Marx Brothers. Well, SJ Perelman wrote a lot of the Marx Brothers movies. Okay, well, I mean, he's one of the great american humorists and he's amazing.

Sandra Bernhard
I'm not saying they didn't have merits. No, they had, but like you said. No, I take your point. You just said it, so I'm reiterating, using that as an example. Let me tell you something.

No, I can't sit and watch the fucking Marx brothers or I'll go banana. I'll go bananas. I've been rewatching a lot of the classics lately. Like the Godfather. Like the Godfather.

Okay, well, that's different. Yeah. No, drama is one thing, comedy is another. I may have wanted to introduce these films to someone who wasn't age appropriate. Okay, well, that's fun.

Bill Maher
Yeah. So one film we watched was called Giant. Yeah. Of course, I had never seen it, and I always heard it was like this classic. How was it?

Sandra Bernhard
How does it hold up? I even watched it. I thought it was horrible. Okay. I mean, melodramatic.

Bill Maher
Melodramatic. Putting it mildly. Just. And long. Really long.

And it's about Rock Hudson is at the peak of his Roxanness and he's super hot. And Elizabeth Taylor is the. What? Gorgeous? I never thought so, but I get that.

Sandra Bernhard
Is she not your type? Not really. There are lots of things about her I don't. Yeah, I mean, I didn't think she had a good body at all. Richard Burton used to make fun of it.

Bill Maher
No. No squat. No squat. Thank you, Richard. We really appreciate that, since you were a fine physical specimen yourself.

I mean, pockmarks, old british actors, but yet the two. Yet here I am with the most beautiful woman in the world. Must be my acting. Did you do characters? No.

Sandra Bernhard
In your act? I don't remember that. But you might have found a second calling. I mean, I don't do them now, but I'm just saying. And yet.

But, yeah, you're blowing my mind. I didn't think. I mean, he's a rancher. He owns a ranch in Texas. Like, that's the size of Rhode island.

Or some shit like that. And he visits her and her family somewhere. Anyway, he marries her overnight. Like, that's all you have to know about these two, is like, this is how much this is a connection. It constantly happened in movies.

People were always marrying overnight. Yes. I mean, okay, so then they're on the train. He's taking her back to Texas, and now she's going to be this Maryland girl in Texas. So it's a fish out of water.

Bill Maher
And also, I guess it was considered a big moby because it was one of the first, I guess, to address racism because the Mexicans who work the land and the ranch, he's not properly sensitive to, not sympathetic. It's the plight of the mexican farm workers. So it's very unpeaceable. And she's ahead of her time there and sticking up for the Mexicans and getting the medical care and obamacare. She brings in Kamala Harris to make a speech.

It's just ridiculous. But it's like, it's one of those that goes through time. So you see them age. So they're. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sandra Bernhard
It's terrible. Oh, yes, I remember. I have watched bits and pieces recently. I was like, the worst hair and makeup seen. Put the gray, a spray can of gray in the.

In the. Yeah. And then the bad, like, they just take, like, a pencil and make them. Make the wrinkles, lines, deep furrowed lines with a pencil, a lead number two pencil. Just come here.

Bill Maher
Yeah. Who was the big makeup artist right there? Um, his name. Dick somebody. I don't know.

Sandra Bernhard
The makeup artist from that time. I tell you, I'm sure Edith head did the wardrobe. Edith head. You're funny, is what you are. Well, you blew it.

What was the club again? Garvin's. Garvin's and Washington stayed that hotel. It was a nice hotel, the Shoreham. No, no, I know.

Bill Maher
That was the first year we. Yes, we stayed in a great hotel that was way above what we usually got. They just got a rate. You know what happened? Cause it was walkable.

Sandra Bernhard
I stayed there a couple extra days and they locked me out of my room. I don't blame them because they kept. Saying, oh, I hadn't laid down my own credit card for the extra nights. I was like. So I had to, like, broker a deal.

It was a whole fucking shit. Because I was bitter about being rejected. I'm the one who put them up to that. Okay. After all these years, clearly why I wanted you here, you know?

But maybe it was all for the best. Maybe if we had connected in that way, we wouldn't have stayed estranged friends because. Whereas we've been estranged for fucking years. No, we would never been estranged. We just never got there.

Bill Maher
We were just. We just had. We're on different tracks. Would have been interesting. Hey, but this is like when it was meant.

Sandra Bernhard
But, you know, when you think about it, it's like, oh, my God, can you imagine sitting here now had we done it, thinking about remembering how it was? I'm not the cosmic type, but things, they happen when they happen. I wouldn't ever say they're meant to happen, but it's almost like a pleasure that some things happen. We saved it for now, and we have time left. It's like in the Beatles documentary, George says a great thing about Ringo.

Bill Maher
The crowd hated at first because they fired their old drummer. How could you get rid of Pete best? And George says, ringo was always in the Beatles. That was his entrance time. Exactly.

That was when his moment was to walk on the stage. It was in act three. It wasn't in act one, but it was always meant to be because he was mister spiritual. And it's like that some things, you know. Hey, like my high school yearbook says, you get to know the good people at the end.

So when was the first time you encountered, like, any kind of sex?

High school? Yes. Probably just like right on the sort of the tail end of grade school. Going into high school, I fooled around with a young boy who I had a crush on. I think he touched me down there.

Sandra Bernhard
I was like, don't ask. I was very young, but it wasn't like he was the same age as me. It wasn't like I wasn't like, oh, my God, this kid is like, you know, it was consensual. Yeah. I'm not fishing for.

I don't have, like, trauma in my life, you know, I'm lucky. Well, you do. Your father? Are you kidding? A lot of.

Bill Maher
Well, that's. Look, I don't. I have. I have resolved everything with my father. God forbid, when he dies, I will cry.

Sandra Bernhard
It will be. It will bring things up. But I don't. I've tried to mend fences with him. I.

He's still not nice. I still don't like the way he talks about certain people. How old is your kid? She'll be 26. So she doesn't know, her grandfather.

She has met him, and she didn't like him right to. No one surprised. She was very instinctive. She was like. But she doesn't.

Bill Maher
She doesn't feel like that's something missing in her life. She didn't have it. Yeah, of course. I mean, I never. I mean, I liked my grandmother, my mother's mother.

She was okay. I mean, she was cool. I could kind of tell she was a hip lady, and. But, like, the guy she remarried, grandpa. I thought he was a corny guy.

I could have easily never met him and be fine. And then on my father's side, I mean, his father was long dead, and grandma Moore, I mean, she was, you know, like the old irish lady. She was, like, white hair and looked like George Washington. Just like. I don't feel like there was anything.

There was no connection to that relationship. There was no connection. I don't feel like I can't remember anything. Anything I ever remember about her was when she was sitting on the lawn, I guess she was babysitting on our front lawn, and I was throwing a hard ball way up in the air and catching it, and I lost one of them, and it came down and it missed her. Did she hit her?

No. It would have killed her, but it missed her head by about a foot. Oh, shit. That just remembered my heart pounding. But that's, like, the only thing I remember about her, and so I don't feel like.

I know. Some people get very close to the grandparents. I was very close to my mother's parents. They came from the old country, from a shtetl. Two different shtetls.

In Russia? Yes. Russia, yes. Holy. I didn't know you were that.

Sandra Bernhard
My grandparents came over the turn of the last century, and two brothers married, two sisters. Were they fleeing a pogrom? Absolutely, they were. Yeah. The Cossacks were riding through.

Bill Maher
You feel that flowing through your veins because, you know. But I'll tell you something. I am not. You know, everybody's, like, up in arms now about being jewish. Suddenly everybody's discovered their Judaism.

Sandra Bernhard
It's like, I grew up jewish. I was bat mitzvahed. I went to hebrew school. I did the whole thing. You know, I like being jewish and I go to Shabbat.

I do my thing. But everybody's suddenly like, I'm jewish, and I've been. I don't feel. I don't feel persecuted. Well, not persecuted, perhaps, but there is an anti semitism afoot in this country that we haven't had in a very long time.

Bill Maher
And I never thought I'd see the. Day I tell you where it comes from. It comes from the right wing, the right, the extreme. No, it doesn't. You think it's left.

Sandra Bernhard
You think it's. Well, there is anti semitism on both sides. The right wing has. The Jews will not replace us. Nonsense.

Bill Maher
The left wing is even worse. That is coming down from elite colleges who see everything only through a racial lens. They are stupid. They don't know history. They think everything is about colonizers and racists and how awful America is.

And America has done some bad things. But to drag Israel into this as the stand in for every bad thing white people ever did. This is not any more complicated to most of these college kids than the Palestinians are brown and poor and the Israelis are rich and white, even though half of them are not rich and certainly not half not white and certainly not half rich. But they think they're rich and white. So they're the colonizers and the apartheid people and the genocide people.

And none of this jives with the facts. But can we get on the same page? Can we get on the same page and agree that Benjamin Netanyahu is a shit disturber and needs to be yanked out of Israel? He is not good for Israel. He is not good for Jews.

Sandra Bernhard
He has also contributed to the global mistrust. And it shouldn't be Jews. It's Israelis. But even Israelis aren't to blame. He is solidly to blame for everything that's happening right now.

Bill Maher
He is so not to blame for everything that's happening. That's the fault of the palestinian people and the religion of Islam, which gets lost in all of this. I mean, we are fighting. Wait, what? Islam?

You've heard of it? No. No, but I'm saying, no, no. How is that. What does that have to do with.

You said Netanyahu was mostly to blame. Mostly to blame is Hamas. So what is happening right now, right. Now is happening because for years, Hamas took aid money, and instead of buying food with it and building buildings and hospitals, guess where. Guess where they bought bombs and made tunnels.

Sandra Bernhard
Who supported Hamas? Correct. Yes, you're right. For strategic reasons, which probably were, in retrospect, not wrong. But it wasn't like he was.

Bill Maher
It wasn't like Netanyahu was working against the interests, in his mind, of his own people. I know they say he's working in. The interests of only one person, himself because he doesn't want to go to prison. I don't believe that either, but it's. A moot point because such a sexy conversation.

It's a moot point because Netanyahu is not long for the job. But what everyone who's been to Israel will tell you, my dear, is that even when he goes, the Israelis are completely for the policy that will not change. So, yes, they don't like him. And there are good reasons for that. I agree.

But the policy will not change. They want Hamas eliminated. I have no. Okay, well, that's it. But Hamas never should have had the power they had enabled them.

Yes, you're right. That's the thing. And even worse, they don't want to end this fabulous. I'll tell you, I'll tell you the. Worst, the worst love affair that has been overridden for years.

Sandra Bernhard
First of all, talking about Israel, just. Because we don't agree exactly on something doesn't in any way taint our love. Right? You see now. But it might create a situation where we won't want to talk for a couple years.

We don't have that kind of time to waste. No, we don't. We don't. We're like, I don't want to wind this conversation up or down on this very hot. I'm going to wind it up.

Uncomfortable. I'm going to wind it up of a conversation. Wind it up. I'm just going to say one more thing. I'm going to jam a pita with you.

Bill Maher
Netanyahu's biggest. Netanyahu's biggest sin is that the attack happened under his watch. He was mister security. They also knew. They had, they were forewarned, but that's the biggest one.

You can't. Israel would never have let this happen under anybody else's watch. This was, this was whatever it was. It was like, you can't turn back that this happened. It can't.

Sandra Bernhard
I was. I was in Israel when the Yom Kippur war broke out. I. 73, yes. I went to Israel.

Bill Maher
After you were 17. I was 17. I went to Israel, worked on the kibbutz for eight months. I went to Greece for a month. The war, the Yom Kippur war broke out.

Sandra Bernhard
I flew back into Israel in the middle of the night and spent another month on the kibbutz working. Was there some revolutionary love in the air there? Was there some socialist there was from. All over the world. Everybody.

Everybody volunteer on the kibbutz was from Sweden, Australia, Ukraine, South Africa, America. We had the best. It was the best fucking time I've ever had. A. And you fell in love with one of them?

Not really. I just had lots of fun. Some Israelis, some Americans. It was. It was next level.

Bill Maher
All right, well, I'm sure I can't match that in the future, but I'll do my best. So. So you know Aaron's history. Honey, I take your hand? I could talk to you forever.

Sandra Bernhard
But.

Bill Maher
Wait, before you go, do you want to plug something, or don't you have this documentary coming up? Well, I'm a part of some documentary about. Tell me about it. Well, I did this. Honestly, no.

Great. I just want to be here in the middle. Oh, my God. I threw it as a stretch. Uncomfortable.

Sandra Bernhard
Love you guys. I love you, too, Akesh on the lips. Oh, my God. 40. Years in the making.

Let's go down these steps together like we should have years ago. Club random.

Close.

Sandra Bernhard | Club Random with Bill Maher

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1: Opening Reflections

2: Career Trajectories

3: Cultural Critique

4: Personal Anecdotes

5: Closing Thoughts

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