Nessa Barrett: My Journey with Borderline Personality Disorder (FBF) [VIDEO]

This episode dives deep into Nessa Barrett's personal experiences with mental health challenges, particularly her journey with Borderline Personality Disorder.

1. Nessa's Rise to Fame: Nessa discusses how her sudden popularity on TikTok impacted her mental health and personal life.
2. Challenges with BPD: She details the symptoms and personal impact of Borderline Personality Disorder, including intense mood swings and identity struggles.
3. Relationships and Public Scrutiny: Nessa opens up about the complexities of her relationships under the public eye and how they were perceived and influenced by her online presence.
4. Mental Health Management: She talks about her ongoing efforts to manage her mental health, including therapy and medication.
5. Personal Growth and Recovery: Nessa reflects on her personal growth through difficult experiences and her commitment to ongoing mental health recovery.

1: Early Life and Initial Fame

Nessa recounts her early life, her introduction to TikTok, and the initial impact of her fame. She describes the challenges of balancing public attention with personal struggles. Nessa Barrett: "I was told, you know, to download it. And I made a video during school, and I just remember, like, going to biology class and going to the bathroom to check my phone after."

2: Dealing with Borderline Personality Disorder

This chapter focuses on Nessa's explanation of living with BPD, the symptoms, and the effects it has on her relationships and self-perception. Nessa Barrett: "With my mental health stuff and with BPD, there's a thing called favorite person, and your brain basically unwillingly attaches itself to someone."

3: Impact of Relationships and Social Media

Nessa discusses the impact of her relationships on her mental health and how social media influenced her personal life. Nessa Barrett: "Everything you see is not always what it actually is."

4: Strategies for Mental Health Management

Nessa shares her strategies for managing her mental health, including therapy, medication, and lifestyle changes. Nessa Barrett: "I've gone on a lot of breaks. The problem is, is that, like, I'm a teenage girl, and I don't want to get off social media."

1. Seek Professional Help: If you're struggling, don't hesitate to seek professional mental health support.
2. Understand Your Triggers: Identify and understand the triggers that affect your mental health.
3. Set Boundaries: Learn to set healthy boundaries in personal relationships and online.
4. Engage in Self-Care: Prioritize self-care activities that support mental and physical well-being.
5. Stay Connected: Maintain connections with supportive friends and family to help manage stress and loneliness.

Nessa Barrett joins Call Her Daddy and isn’t here to hold back. She reflects on her childhood - and why she ran away from home at only 17 years old. She talks about what happened when she blew up online, her relationship with Josh Richards and the internet drama surrounding her dating timeline with Jaden Hossler. Nessa opens up about their recent breakup and directly addresses the cheating rumors. Nessa gets vulnerable when speaking about her mental health struggles that began when she was only six years old. She opens up about her Borderline Personality Disorder diagnosis. Nessa describes the times when her struggles became unbearable and reveals the pain involved around getting help at a mental hospital.
This episode discusses adult subject matter, including descriptions of self harm and suicide and is intended for adult consumption only. Listener discretion is advised.

Resources: 24/7 Crisis Hotline: If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available. Call or text 988 or chat 988lifeline.org.

People

Nessa Barrett, Alex Cooper

Content Warnings:

Discusses mental health issues, including Borderline Personality Disorder, depression, and suicide attempts.

Alex Cooper
What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with call her daddy. Nessa Barrett. Welcome to call her daddy. Thank you.

Nessa Barrett
So everyone probably knows you from TikTok, and I feel like sometimes when people pop up on the Internet, there's this whole thing of, like, wait, where did this person come from? Who are they? What are they about? What is their life story? So can you give us, like, your elevator pitch of, like, who you are?

So I'm from New Jersey. Very small town. I've changed schools quite a bit. I've played soccer all my life. I've also been, you know, doing music all my life because my dad was heavily into music.

I always grew up with a studio in my house, and I ended up getting, like, around, like, eight concussions. I had suffered from, like, pretty bad brain injuries, and I had to completely stop sports, like, altogether. And I was, like, a pretty athletic person growing up, and soccer was my life. When I would get punished, my parents would ground me from going to practice, and I'd freak out. And so as soon as I stopped doing that, I had to find something else, and I started posting on social media, and then I'm here.

Here we are.

Alex Cooper
This episode is brought to you by Monday hair care. Daddy Gang, nobody likes Mondays, am I right? We're all sobbing. We're all sobbing, and we're barely getting out of bed on a Monday. But Monday hair care is here to flip the script with its award winning formulas.

No more bad hair days, daddy gang. Monday hair care is turning Mondays into a reason to celebrate good hair, which I love. Thank God. With seven new products, like a leave in conditioner, dry shampoo, a curl line, and body wash. And daddy gang, every single, single thing is under $10.

Yes. And smell is to die for. Okay? I want my hair smelling like something that Matt wants to be engulfed in. I want him to come up to me, go, oh, my God, you smell amazing.

Oh, my God. What is that in your hair? So, daddy gang, reclaim the week with Monday at all leading retailers. Visit mondayhaircare.com to find a stockist near you. This episode is brought to you by Juvederm.

If you're curious about filler and how you can achieve smooth, natural looking and long lasting results and save $75 off your treatments, the Juvederm collection of fillers has six unique gel fillers that temporarily add subtle volume. They're designed for different needs in specific areas of the face, like lips, cheeks, chin, smile lines under eyes and jawline. Ask your licensed specialist for a full face assessment. And download the Alley app that's a ll e the official loyalty program for Juvederm to save on treatments and get a look that's true to you. Offer terms and conditions apply to see if you're eligible to save $75 off your Juvederm collection of fillers treatment.

Get important safety information and to find a licensed specialist, visit juvederm.com c h d that's juvederm.com chd. Juvenerm is not for people with severe allergic reactions, allergies to lidocaine, or the proteins used in Juvederm. Common side effects include injection site redness, swelling, pain, tenderness, firmness, lumps, bumps, bruising, discoloration or itching. There's a risk of unintentional injection into the blood vessel, which can cause vision abnormalities, blindness, stroke, temporary scabs or scarring. Talk to a licensed specialist to find out if it's right for you.

Intended for us audiences only, this episode is brought to you by new Garnier fructis hair filler with vitamin C G. Many things can damage your hair, like heat styling and bleaching, but the all new Garnier fructis hair filler systems can reverse up to one year of damage to your hair smoothness in just one use, giving you up to 79% stronger hair and up to four times less breakage. And all Garnier products are approved by cruelty Free international under the Leaping Bunny program. New Garnier fructis hair filler, pre shampoo, shampoo, conditioner and serum are available now on Amazon and at Walmart, Target, ulta drug, and select grocery stores. Learn more at garnier usa.com.

Nessa Barrett
When you became popular on TikTok, how did it feel to have so much attention so quickly? Oh, my God, I love it. I mean, I'm a Leo, so I love attention, and I feel, felt like I never really got that growing up in my entire life. That was kind of something that I chased, whether it was wanting friendships, I just wanted people to like me. And so the second that I, for once, wasn't just, like a loner, like, kid and people kind of, like, were interested in me, it was a really good feeling.

How, though, did the kids at school treat you? Everyone in my school or most of my friends had the app before I did, and they, I was told, you know, to download it. And I made a video during school, and I just remember, like, going to, like, biology class and going to the bathroom to check my phone after. And I was like, whoa, these are famous people following me. One and then I just.

My notifications were, like, insane. I, like, blew up, like, during school. And everyone thought it was so cool at first, but then when it got to a certain degree, it was like I was, like, an outcast because of it. And I would walk into class and they would take pictures of me from Google and make them all the home screens on the computer. And then teachers would use my name and my salary as anecdotes for math problems.

And, like, it was. Yeah. And it was, like, weird stuff. And, like, having, like, freshmen, like, kids, like, come up to me and ask for pictures. It's like, it was a lot.

And I just remember, like, I hate school. I hated school. And the only way I was going to college was for soccer. And when that was out of the picture, I was like, no, I'm going to college. And then when this happened, it was like I begged and cried to just be homeschooled.

Would you confide in anyone about that? It's, like, hard to explain because I'm, like, the type of person that I get so embarrassed with what I go through that I don't really want to talk about it. And I try to just hold in everything and just deal with it myself. And I also feel like no one gives a shit about me or what I'm going through. And that's just how I have a very big victim complex.

And so I just would just take it and then cry about it alone. And occasionally I talk about it with my really close friends. But it was just really weird for me because I like the year before that, too. I felt like I already became an outcast in my school. And in high school, I was the new kid as a freshman.

No one's ever seen me before. I moved to a different town, and I left my previous school because I felt like I didn't belong there. And I was kind of, like, you know, alone and, like, outcasted. And so I moved to a different high school, and I was like, everyone, like, loves, like, the new kids, you know, at first, and then I. Yeah, sophomore year is, like, downhill.

You mentioned that you kind of had this, like, music studio in your house that your dad had put together, and he kind of had aspirations in the industry. Like, did he give you any advice of, like, what to do, how to handle moving forward and, like, how to kind of craft your career? Me and my dad have. We don't have the best relationship. I'll always love him because he is my father, you know?

And I, like, plan on working on our relationship in the future. You made a big decision to move to LA at one point. Can you talk about when and why you decided to leave New Jersey and go to LA? Yeah. So it was during the pandemic, and everything was just, like, everything was on lockdown.

And at that point, I was, you know, I was going to the studio when I would go to LA, and I was visiting LA, like, quite often. There was a point where I would go to public school, like, Monday to Friday, and I had senior option, which is where I had enough credits to just leave at eleven. And I would leave at eleven, go right to the airport, fly to LA, and then come back Sunday or Monday and then do school the rest of the week. And I couldn't stay locked in my house in New Jersey, not doing anything that I created already and started.

And school was just online anyway, so I bought a plane ticket when I was 17 at 01:00 a.m. that was. I had to leave for at 04:00 a.m. and my parents knew that I was gonna run away, so they took all of my suitcases and I packed everything up in, like, old school bags and my old soccer bags and, like, duffel bags that I had and got an Uber and left. Were you scared?

Terrified. Terrified. The worst was that I had a connecting flight, and so they had no idea. And I'm like, I'm taking. I'm on my first flight and I'm thinking, oh, I got away with it.

I land on my connecting flight and I phone blown up. Where am I? All this stuff. Like, they're tracking my flight. They know where I am.

Like, cops are coming to get me. Like, they're not gonna. And I'm like, what the heck? So I'm just, like, playing, like, I don't know. I was trying to be undercover at the airport, freaking out.

My anxiety was so bad. And, yeah, I just hopped on the next flight and I just kept going. You're what, 17 years old? Who did you stay with? Did you have any friends in LA?

No. Yeah, so I was visiting LA a lot before I ended up running away. And so I had a boyfriend at the time, and I stayed, you know, at their house, and I just went straight there. Cause that's where I was, like, staying before. And so, like, I knew, like, a few people there and I had a place.

And my mindset at the time was, like, anything other than being home is better for me. You know, it's like, I would have done anything to get out of that situation. And then you never went back, so you were dating Josh Richards who was also a TikTok star. What was your relationship like? Um, yeah, I mean you know I feel like because of social media we developed a very serious relationship for like it was too serious for how young we were and I mean like he was a part of sway at the time too and I mean like those boys like they were blowing up like that was like their prime when we started dating so you know like them being like 1718 you know blowing up living in LA in a house of their own it's like a frat house of like social media and you know it's hard to resist some things and I wouldn't say that this is the truth but how I felt at the time was that a lot of the good parts of our relationship was simply for views and content and that stuff and it got really hard for me to process because I'm, you know I fall for people like heavy and I get very attached and so seeing things a certain way was kind of just like I couldn't understand it.

Everything you see is not always what it actually is. Oh yeah, exactly. And like I felt like, you know about two years ago like I made a drastic change with my Persona online and how I let people see me because you know the very beginning of me being online I was doing whatever I could to be the person that everyone wanted me to be and to be liked and I faked almost everything like I wasn't being real, I wasn't myself, it was just. Yeah. Can you talk a little bit more about that?

Like what? Give us an example of like what you would be faking. I mean for one, like my style and you know, my attitude I have struggled with mental health so much and I am a pretty sad person but in the beginning I developed such a bubbly character that was almost like you know, like, like I don't care like I'm just happy and like giggly and like it was, it was just not me. And then over time I just like kind of like allowed myself to be like that person that like everyone could like make fun of. How did you try to maintain any type of autonomy over who you really were versed, what was going on on the Internet that you were posting?

Um, yeah, I mean like I just struggled a lot with my identity at that point and I feel like the second I actually started you know making music and like writing my music it really helped me like understand how like who I was, you know and that's when I just stopped caring like I'm just gonna do what I want to do, and I'm gonna be myself because, I mean, it's, like, the best thing to do at this point. Last year, all of the drama unfolded between what seemed like two TikTok couples. There was you and Josh and Mads and Jaden, and you were all friends until you weren't, and it kind of all blew up. Yeah. What happened?

See, this is just, like, a very, like, sticky situation to talk about because I feel like there's, like, multiple sides to every story. And it was just, you know, we were all living in a house together, and I felt, like, separately, we each were going through problems in our relationship, and me, and, like, yeah, me and Jaden were really good friends, and we started doing Lali die, and that's one. Like, everyone's like, oh, my God, they started falling for each other when they did Lalli die. And I'm like, no. You know, like, that wasn't.

That's not like, what happened. It was, like, after. Like, the song was already made and everything was already done. It was, like, after. But, yeah, like, we were struggling in our relationships separately, and there was a lot of tension in the house, too, because, you know, certain people didn't really get along and dash at the time, like, before we broke up, he was just so busy with work, and I was, like, heavily, like, starting my music career.

And so there was just a point we decided to break up, too, because I was struggling a lot mentally, and I've just realized that, like, hey, we started dating when we were really young, and we're both just not the same people as when we started. And I just felt like we had a lot of different interests, you know? And it got to a point where sometimes you just realize that you're more comfortable than, you know, in love at the moment. I don't know. We broke up and then stuff just started happening, and it wasn't, like, anything, like, sneaky, really.

I felt like I just let my heart kind of just, like, take control, and I knew that it was, like, really bad timing and, like, not the best situation, and I just know how it looked, and it should have looked that way because I didn't make a poor decision, but, like, I don't regret anything and also, too, like, which I don't want to use any. Like, it's. It's. I don't want to sound like I'm, like, making up excuses for myself, but, like, with my mental health stuff and with BPD, there's a thing called favorite person, and we can get into that more in depth. But your brain basically unwillingly attaches itself to someone.

And when that happens, that's all you can think about. And you'll do anything to make that person happy. And they become your life and identity at that point. And it turns romantic because it's so hard to identify the difference between that. You know, when you're so in love with someone, it's like they become your favorite person.

But with BPD, it's, like, different. And I think because me and Jaden were spending so much time with each other, with music and all that stuff, and we were really close friends, and I, you know, wasn't with Josh anymore. And even when I was, it's like he was gone most of the time. We didn't really spend that much time together. My brain attached itself to jaiden in that way.

And so that's when I was like, I'd do anything at that moment to make it work. But then, you know, social media got into play, and then the whole drama started, and it created it something that it probably wasn't going to be. Like, we started dating. Like, it became serious and an actual thing after everything broke out on the Internet, because we felt like we had to. The night that everything kind of broke out was the day that our performance, we performed on Ellen.

It was a headline that, oh, we announced that we're dating. We made it official, and I was like, what the heck? Like, I'm not gonna lie. Like, I was being, like, very selfish, and I obviously felt a certain way, but I feel like everyone can say at certain points that, like, what people say online is not gonna affect them, but. And even if you don't want it to and you don't let it, subconsciously, it's gonna be in your head, you know, and it's gonna do something.

And I'm just very thankful that I got to deal with that situation with someone by my side, because it, you know, I've dealt with a scandal similar to that, and I was completely alone dealing with it, so it was different, and I felt like a blessing and a curse to, you know, go through it with Jaiden. But it was really hard. I just didn't want to really talk about the situation because I was, one, kind of embarrassed, but two, also, like, very angry at the way that everything played out. And it was just something that, like, made me really upset, because at the time, I just thought that I was doing something that would make me happy. But then I had the whole world, you know, calling me a slut and telling me that I'm a backstabbing bitch and, like, all this stuff, and I'm, like, a homie hopper and, like, a homewrecker and all this stuff, and it was just very frustrating to me because I was like, there's so many aspects of the entire thing that no one knows about.

I think it also helps clarify. Again, like we said, everyone has different perspectives, and I appreciate you just kind of speaking from your perspective, because I think, again, a lot of people are just going to respect how gracefully and respectfully you handled the situation, and you continue to handle the situation. I feel bad more than anything, and I've realized that I just was really selfish. Again, I appreciate you just, like, being honest and taking ownership, and you and jaiden kind of just become in this huge relationship that becomes larger than life, which had already happened to you once with Josh, of everyone wanting to watch everything you're doing on the Internet, and then it ends. What happened?

We honestly got to experience such amazing things together. I mean, like, I performed at Lollapalooza with him, and, like, we did everything, and I was like, you know, I was on tour with him for a little bit when he was on tour with MGK, and, you know, again, like, I wouldn't regret it. And we've had a lot of great moments that I would cherish forever. And again, it was just everyone already had something to say about it and us. And as much as, you know, we wanted to not let things affect us, it did.

And during our relationship, too, we both really struggled mentally, and we also were kind of, like. Because of how it started, I felt like we always felt like we were outcasted from everyone, you know? And it was just kind of like an us against the world type thing. And that got hard when we both were struggling so much personally, and there was just a lot of things that we. I felt like we both needed to work on before jumping into another relationship, which we did way too fast, and it got really tricky, and our mental health just got the both of us, and it, you know, we just had a lot of growing to do, and I felt like there was also the pressure of us, like, all the drama, like, we felt like we had to make it last.

There is speculation that he cheated. Is that true? Um, I wouldn't. Okay. Not physically, as far, I don't think.

And I don't blame him for anything, because at the time when things started happening, I wasn't the best person in a relationship because I was struggling so much. And I know how it feels to, you know, want attention from other people when you're not getting it by the person that you're with. And, you know, there's just a few things that I wasn't too happy about and that made me very insecure. Yeah. Yeah.

Alex Cooper
This episode is brought to you by new Garnier fructis hair filler with vitamin C G. Many things can damage your hair, like heat styling and bleaching. But the all new Garnier fructis hair filler systems can reverse up to one year of damage to your hair smoothness in just one use, giving you up to 79% stronger hair and up to four times less breakage. And all Garnier products are approved by cruelty Free international under the Leaping Bunny program. New Garnier fructis hair filler, pre shampoo, shampoo, conditioner and serum are available now on Amazon and at Walmart, Target, Ulta drug, and select grocery stores.

Learn more at garnier usa.com dot. This episode is brought to you by Armor Daddy Gang. Are you ready to transform your beauty routine? Meet armor colostrum backed by over 5000 studies, colostrum isn't just some marketing ploy. It's a bioactive whole food that the in crowd has been using on the sly for years to get that radiant skin and thick hair.

And now you are in on the secret, too. Armor of Colostrum's 400 plus bioactive nutrients work at the cellular level to unlock your ultimate glow. In a third party clinical research trial, users experienced whole body benefits like less bloating, diminished wrinkles, and thicker, fuller hair. But don't just take my word for it. Go to tryarmora.com Daddy to receive a free starter kit on your first auto ship order.

Plus lock in a special limited time monthly auto ship rate. This is not available on their website, so you must go to try armora.com daddy to get this exclusive offer. When and why did you begin to struggle with your mental health? Yeah, so I started going to therapy when I was six. I was diagnosed with anxiety, and I think that there were some signs that my parents picked up on that they were like, whoa, I don't know why she's freaking out.

Nessa Barrett
I would get attached to certain things and freak out if I didn't have, you know, them on me or like, I didn't have them around. And then I think I had to go on a plane for the first time, and my reaction to that was just a telltale sign that I needed to go get treatment. So, yeah, so I started going therapy when I was six and doing family therapy as well. Because there was, you know, custody battles and stuff like that. My parents were never together, but for the beginning of my life, they tried living together.

And then that caused a lot of stress for me, which is, like, living at home was just hard for me. And when I was 14, which was like, I was. Yeah, I was a sophomore in high school. I had. And it was shortly after I got my last concussion, I spiraled and I guess the trauma that my brain had just exacerbated all of my mental health and everything just went terrible.

I developed really bad ADHD and I couldn't go to school because I couldn't read more than two sentences without vomiting. I had to go to ocular and vestibular therapy to learn how to run or, like, balance on 1ft and, like, you know, catch balls and, like, how to track my eyes because they were so. It was, like, really bad. And because of my ADHD, you know, getting really bad because of my brain injury, I struggled a lot mentally, and that's when I had my first actual suicide attempt and I was hospitalized for it. So that was, like, pretty rough.

Did your family find you or how did they find out? Yeah, I overdosed on a medication that I was prescribed to aid my concussion and the pain that came with it and my migraines and all that stuff. And I was at my dad's house at the time and I think he was, like, making dinner and I was upstairs in my room and he kept calling me down for dinner and I guess I wasn't answering and I don't remember much. All I remember was going in the bathroom and I had an old glass cup that was empty in my room and I was just like, you know what? Fuck it.

I'm gonna do it now. I was very impulsive, very impulsive because of my ADHD. And I was so deeply depressed. And I've always dealt with, like, you know, having such intense and, like, deep, like, feelings where I would just, like, I was so depressed and, like, I would, like, cry and I couldn't stop crying and I'd get, like, so mad and angry and, like, mean and I didn't know what was wrong with me. And when it got worse because of my concussions, like, I felt like I was insane and that there was no getting better and I was done and I felt like I was a burden and to my family and I caused so much pain because of how I was mentally.

And so I went to a bathroom and filled it up with sink water and I just. Yeah, I overdosed and I just remember while it was, like, kicking in, I sat down and I wrote everyone notes, and I think I just, like, passed out on the floor, and my dad found me and just, like, carried my limp body and called 911. And I just remember he, like, there was a hospital that was, like, so close to the house, and I was, like, in and out of consciousness, and, like, I just remember his voice echoing, you know, I didn't really know what was going on. And he was, like, on the phone with Amblyn, freaking out and, like, asking how fast that they could come and all this stuff. And he was like, you know, I'm just gonna drive.

I'm just gonna put her in my car and just, like, drive to the nearest hospital. And they were, like, telling him not to do it, and so he was, like, trying to drive to meet them closer because they wouldn't come. And I just remember them, like, dragging me out of his car just to put me in the backseat. And then I remember vividly remember my mom yelling at me while the ambulance doors was closing while I'm on the stretcher, and I just woke up in the hospital. But I think the scariest and most traumatizing thing for me was my little brother witnessing it and him just, like, you know, crying, and I felt like I just scarred him for life almost seeing that and him just being like, is sissy okay?

Like, what's wrong with sissy? Like, freaking out. And it just. Yeah. How did you and your whole family, like, begin to try to just help you recover and try to move forward with life?

Yeah. I mean, I don't really know. I think that my parents were more, like, mad at me than anything, which was very hard for me to deal with because I'm, like, I was just in so much pain, you know, like, how? And I think that I just wanted, like, I think that was a moment where I just, like, I just wanted to be loved the most and supported. And I've thought about death and suicide since I was, like, ten.

And so, you know, being in hospital and not knowing, like, I was too young to know, like, what actually, like, what happened and what would happen. And I. I was getting my blood work done, like, all the time, like, all throughout the night. Like, I was, like, on iv's and all this stuff. I had, like, nurses and, like, officers I would.

Like, I was on suicide watch, you know, I couldn't pee without people following me. I couldn't do anything, and it sucked. And then I thought that, like, once it got better, I could go home and I was all I wanted was to go home. So did you end up having to go away? Yeah, they put me on a stretcher, I think, like, three days later when a bed opened up out of place and I arrived at a psych ward.

I was obviously in the pediatric, you know, because I was 14, so it was like, you know, kids around my age, and I was very shy and timid and scared and embarrassed. And I don't want to talk to anyone. Like, I don't want to, like, open up to anyone. Like, when they would have group, it's like, no way I'm sharing, like, my story or, like, why I'm here, anything like that. And then I learned that there is a point system, and you have to in order to get out.

And I was on level one, and you gotta be on level four to even get considered to leave. And. Yeah, and that was scary, too, because my parents also placed me on phone protocol. So you don't have phones and phone protocols when you can't even use the pay phone to call anyone, you don't get calls. You can't.

So I was completely isolated and alone, like, in that spot, and it was traumatizing. But then as soon as I got comfortable in there and started making friends, it was fun. And then you start feeling like, I felt like I belonged for the first time. If you could say something to that 14 year old girl now where you're at, what would you say to yourself? Oh, my God.

Thank God she was in there, because I wouldn't be where I am now. Yeah. And I just felt so, like, hopeless at that point because I couldn't really see, like, a future after getting out of there.

Alex Cooper
This episode is brought to you by curology. If you have particular skincare challenges, it can be really frustrating to waste time and money on products that just are absolutely not formulated for you. That is why I'm so excited to recommend curology. I have personally struggled with acne my whole life, and I'll look at someone on YouTube or TikTok or Instagram and be like, should I buy those products? No.

I do not have the same skin as them, so I should not be treating it the same. Curology's probably personalized prescriptions are formulated to treat your individual skin needs, from acne to the earliest signs of aging. All you have to do is go online, take a quick quiz, and you will be connected to a licensed dermatology provider that will create a custom formula based on your skincare needs. If you're ready to start your skincare journey and start seeing results. Here is a special offer just for you.

Visit curology.com call her daddy for a special offer. That's curology. Curology.com call her daddy. Offer applies only to your first box, subject to consultation. New subscribers only.

Subscription required. This episode is brought to you by Juvederm. If you're curious about filler and how you can achieve smooth, natural looking and long lasting results and save $75 off your treatments, the Juvederm collection of fillers has six unique gel fillers that temporarily add subtle volume. They're designed for different needs in specific areas of the face, like lips, cheeks, chin, smile lines under eyes and jawline. Ask your licensed specialist for a full face assessment and download the Alley app that's a ll e, the official loyalty program for Juvederm to save on treatments and get a look that's true to you, offer terms and conditions apply to see if you're eligible to save $75 off your Juvederm collection of fillers treatment.

Get important safety information and to find a licensed specialist, visit juvederm.com chd. That's juvederm.com chd. Juvederm is not for people with severe allergic reactions, allergies to lidocaine, or the proteins used in Juvederm. Common side effects include injection site redness, swelling, pain, tenderness, firmness, lumps, bumps, bruising, discoloration or itching. There's a risk of unintentional injection into the blood vessel, which can cause vision abnormalities, blindness, stroke, temporary scabs or scarring.

Talk to a licensed specialist to find out if it's right for you. Intended for us audiences only, at 18. You got a diagnosis for borderline personality disorder. Can you explain what that means? Um, yeah.

Nessa Barrett
So borderline personality disorder is very tricky, and it's different for everyone that has it because it's basically a self taught disorder that is developed from childhood trauma. And it's not like a chemical imbalance, which I have other, you know, my anxiety and, like, depression and all that stuff that is. But this isn't because it's just habits and almost, like, defense mechanisms that you've developed from trauma growing up. And it just adapts your entire personality. And there's a lot of things that come into play with, like, you know, very harsh mood swings, and then, you know, you get very intense, like mannequin manic episodes and identity problems, like with self identity and, you know, abandonment issues.

And it's, the list can go on, but it is such, one of the most, like, painful mental health illnesses because of how intense and severe your emotions become when you have it. So say, like, whenever I feel any sort of sadness, my brain kind of shuts off all the signals for any other emotion, and I am unable to process or remember what happiness feels like or that happiness is an emotion at all. So all I feel is sad, and all I can ever feel is sadness. And that there's no escaping it. And it's like, it hurts.

Like, it's like you're. It's so painful mentally that it starts to physically hurt and you can't really control anything. And that's why where I struggle the most, because it makes you act out in ways that, you know isn't you. And you really have to learn how to become very self aware in order to help yourself. How did you feel when you got the diagnosis?

Relieved. My mom always thought I had it, but I was previously misdiagnosed with bipolar. And I was like, yeah, okay, maybe because, like, you know, it ran in my family, but I would, like, look it up and, like, research, and I was like, this doesn't make sense because it's, like, not me. And so when I was diagnosed with BPD, it made a lot of sense. When you said your mom always thought you had it, would she say that to you?

Like, how did that affect you? Yeah. And I also knew that she would, um, bring it up when I would get, like, evaluations and, you know, all this stuff. And I just remember people being like, we can't diagnose her with that because she's under 18. And when I was diagnosed, she told me, like, I knew it too.

But, yeah, at first it makes you feel like something's wrong with you, but I just kind of learned to that, like, at least I know what's wrong. Yeah. When you talked about the trauma that you endured, can you clarify what you were talking about? Um, I just dealt with a lot of hard things growing up, and it's just hard for me to talk about it because I don't really want to, like, throw anyone under the bus, you know? But I just.

I had a really rough childhood, and I've, you know, it was just really hard for me. But, like, even, like, when I got older too, I started. I got, you know, trauma from, you know, people that weren't just, like, in my family, like, when it came to, like, boys. And, like, I feel like almost every girl now deals with, like, sexual trauma because people fucking suck, but I just went through a lot of fucking shit I don't know if I'll ever be comfortable opening up about it, because right now, I'm trying to, especially in therapy, I'm trying to learn how to detach myself from it and learn that it doesn't really make. It's not a part of me, and it doesn't make me who I am, and I'm also trying to learn how to forgive.

So.

Yeah, thank you. No, I appreciate that. I think so many women, it's like, it's an ongoing journey. And we talked about social media, and obviously, with your mental health, like, has anyone ever suggested that you step away from social to preserve your well being? Oh, my God, yes.

I've gone on a lot of breaks. The problem is, is that, like, I'm a teenage girl, and I don't want to get off social media, and I also care too much about what people say. And so even though I know it's gonna hurt me from reading comments all night and scrolling until I find a negative one, because that's what I do, for some reason. I'll just keep scrolling until I see a hate comment, and then I'll keep scrolling until I see more. But it's like, I I don't know.

I just have a problem. And, you know, my team suggests it all the time, and even, like, my friends and I know it's best for me, but I feel like sometimes I'll freak out more if I don't know what's being said about me. So it's just. It's a hard thing. In June of this year, you lost your close friend and fellow TikTok star Cooper Noriega.

He lost his life. First of all, I just want to say I'm so sorry. In what ways has losing your best friend affected your life?

Um, I feel like this was just something that I couldn't really ever comprehend. And, um, you know, I feel like I don't really. I don't really have, like, close family. I'm not that close with my family, and I. I'm just, like, alone out here.

And, like, all I really had was Cooper, and he was, like a brother to me. And my, um, my best friend ever, like, twin flame. Like, I believe that you have, like, multiple soulmates in your life. And I feel like he was, like, my platonic soulmate, like, 100% like me as, you know, a boy, and I never had anyone understand me the way that he did. So this kid struggled just as much as I did, maybe even more.

And I knew that. And I felt like as long as I knew him. It was an ongoing battle to keep him here and to make sure that he was safe. And drug addiction is just something that's so scary. And, you know, I felt like everyone just did as much as they could, but I never thought that this day would.

That day would ever come. And I was, you know, it just sucked because I just, like, remember, like, waking up from a text from him that day, and I didn't want to believe it. Like, I couldn't. I lost myself. Like, I lost myself completely.

Like, I was destroyed because there was never a thought in my brain that I would ever have to live a single day without him. You know, I never thought that there would be a day where I didn't even text him, you know, or not see him. And up until that point, too, like, we were spending every day with each other, like, so. And then I think, like, you know, it just got really hard, and it was just, like, very big, like, tragic thing for everyone. Very unexpected, I think, you know, we all knew he was struggling a lot more than before, but I didn't ever think that he would, you know, leave.

I don't really told anyone this, but, like, we openly talked about, you know, how much we struggled here on this earth in our mental health so much. You know, we both, like, when we were, you know, suicidal or, you know, struggled with anything like that, it was like each other that, like, we would, like, you know, have to, like, make us, like, feel like we need to be here. And we were like this. And so it's like, if one of us was going out, like, we were going out together, that's just, like, that's how it was in my head. And so when he was gone, I don't know how I could, like, live.

It was very hard.

How has the grieving process been for you? I mean, like, for the first, like, week, I didn't. Wasn't on my phone. My phone was shut off. It was like, you know, kind of, like, mute at some points dying, like, on suicide watch, it was terrible.

Grieving is such a crazy thing. And I, you know, I dealt with, you know, losing people in my life, but never the closest or the only person that I had.

And it's just something that you can't really fathom until you're in it. And I didn't know what I was doing, and I was struggling so much already because I just went through, like, a breakup. And so it was just, like, it was just really weird for me. It felt like my entire life just, like, flipped upside down, and I was just, like. I was just, like, falling apart, and I just was.

I was grieving and trying to deal with all my emotions alone. Cause that's the only way I knew how to. And I didn't really want to talk about it with anyone because it made it more real to me, and it was just, like, really hard for me to, like, just open up about. So I was dealing with it alone. And at the same time, too, like, my best friend Sabrina.

I was just trying to be strong for her and strong for, you know, his family and, like, everyone that. I was just dealing with everything by myself, and it ate me alive. And that's why, yeah, I ended up getting admitted, actually, into mental hospital. And the first one since I've been in, like, since, like, when I was 14, so it's pretty scary. Did you go into the treatment center because of everything that happened with Cooper?

Yeah. I just broke. I lost control fully, and I had a suicide attempt. I was taking Xanax for my anxiety and to fly and all that stuff, so I was on that. And when you take an excessive amount of that, which I never had before, it just, like, turns you into someone that you're not.

And I just went into my car, I think, and I don't remember anything, but from what I was told, I was planning on driving off of a cliff while I overdosed. And I think as soon as I started backing out, bree and Sabrina just, like, pulled up right by my car, and they got me to get out and all that stuff. And, yeah, the next day, I just, like, I think, opened up and was, like, kind of, like, vulnerable and honest for the first time, and I just cried, and I was, like, I'm so scared. And we just called the ambulance, and. I got help, and thank God you're here again.

It's kind of like you've become so open that I feel like you've completely knocked all the shame away from just talking about these things, that people would look at someone and maybe think a different way even a couple years ago. What are you doing to try to find a reason to live right now? It puts you in a perspective that's so interesting because you just realize how much you've taken for granted. The fresh air in walking on the ground is just so. In.

Being outside is just so, like, comforting and, like, amazing that I, you know, I was excited that I got, you know, a second chance, and I just convinced myself, and especially after Cooper, like, I've just gotten, like, I've developed so much, like, faith, and I've become religious out of nowhere that I was just like, God must want me here for a reason. You know, I was like, there's no way that, like, I'm just not gone yet, so, you know, I have to do something. And I just also realized that, like, I just have such strong sympathy for everyone that struggles mentally and goes through hard times that, like, I don't want to leave at all because I want to be here in order to, like, make an impact for those struggling. And I feel like I still have just, like, so much to do and I want to live for Cooper. And, you know, I just see life so differently now.

And I feel like now, in the first time in forever, I've been open to, like, taking. Getting help seriously, and I've just, like, gone through waves where I, you know, I hit rock bottom and then I get help. And then as soon as I start feeling good again, like, I stop because I think I'm fine. But it's, like, not true. And I just realized it's all about, like, maintenance and, like, the upkeep and that, like, I just have to continue going.

And so, yeah, and I've also been, like, so anti med that, like, now I'm, like, on a mood stabilizer, which is, like, I feel like it's working. That's, like, another thing I commend you for. There's so much stigma around medication, and I think, like, you just saying, like, everyone, it's almost like therapy. It's like you can't be told to do something unless. Until you're ready to do it.

And I also think I would just like to say that you said, you know, maybe you can help people. I feel like you're really doing that through your music. And I think it's really cool that you are talking about mental health. And I am so excited for your album to come out because I am a huge fan of your music. Talk to me about your album, the process, the songs, like, tell me everything.

Yeah, my album's called young forever, and I haven't really been religious, but Cooper is really helped me, you know, find God and, like, learn anything like that. But at the time, and it's just like, it's. It's weird after that, it's, you know, about, like, you know, having, like, there's a lot of, like, things that come into play with faith and, like, religion with my album. But at the time, it was like I was living in hell when I wrote my album that I fantasized about heaven so much that that's what it was. About.

And now, like, with. With, you know, it's just, like, really weird. And I, like, wrote die first about such a special song for me. And at the time, it was, like, about my mom and Cooper, but it never out, like, I never, like, publicly said that it was about cooperating because I didn't want to think about it. But the people closest around me knew, and Cooper knew.

Do you think you're gonna ever be able to perform it? Yeah, I mean, I have to soon, and I'm gonna make it a special moment. Cause it has to be, you know, but I can't really imagine me performing it without, like, choking up and, like, bawling my eyes out. But also, at this point, it's like, if you're a fan of my music and you're a fan of me and you're there, it's, like, what else to expect? That's why I feel like you can be rest assured that every single person, wherever you're singing, is gonna help you sing it, because they're gonna know the significance of that song and who it's for.

And that is so fucking powerful. How do you feel about being this, like, new rising artist and having all this exciting success around your talent right now? It's very surreal for me. I feel like I have really bad imposter syndrome, so I almost sometimes, like, detach, like, me as, like, nessa, you know, like, from Nessa. And it.

I don't know, I'm just like. I get so overwhelmed with the amount of love and support, but also it's like I. It's like I couldn't really care less if, like, you know, one person listened to my song or like, 1 million, you know? So it's like, as long as I. There's one person out there that relates, but it's just so unreal to think about.

And I'm just really excited because this is my dream. I can't thank you enough for coming on, Nessa. I've had the pleasure of listening to your music and watching you on social media, but I can genuinely say sitting down with you, you are such a unique, kind soul, and it's really cool to get to sit with you because I truly know you're gonna do so many incredible things, and I can't wait to see it because you deserve to be here and you should be here, and I hope you are loved by so many people. So thank you for coming and call her dad. Thank you so much.

This is so amazing.