Colton Underwood: A CHD Exclusive (FBF)

This episode of "Call Her Daddy" features an exclusive interview with Colton Underwood, focusing on his personal journey and struggles with coming out as gay, particularly within the contexts of sports and reality TV fame.

1. The importance of authenticity in personal and public life.
2. The impact of societal expectations on mental health and personal choices.
3. The challenges faced by individuals from conservative backgrounds in embracing their true selves.
4. The role of supportive networks in navigating personal crises.
5. Insights into the pressures of reality TV and public scrutiny.

1: Introduction and Trigger Warning

Overview: The episode opens with a trigger warning about the content's sensitive nature, followed by an introduction to the guest, Colton Underwood. Alex Cooper: "Hi, guys. Before we get into the episode, I just wanted to give you guys a trigger warning that this episode does contain references to suicidal ideation and attempt."

2: Colton's Coming Out Story

Overview: Colton discusses his coming out journey, touching on the challenges he faced due to his background in sports and as a public figure. Colton Underwood: "In no way, shape or form was this process to shift blame or focus. I take ownership where I feel like it's important."

3: Facing Past and Present

Overview: This chapter delves into Colton's past actions, his regrets, and the personal growth he experienced after publicly coming out. Colton Underwood: "I take ownership where I feel like it's important. But I also am asking and calling on two communities that really have a lot of growing to do."

• Embrace Authenticity: Strive to be true to oneself despite societal pressures.
• Seek Support: Lean on trusted individuals for support during personal struggles.
• Cultivate Empathy: Develop understanding for others' journeys and struggles.
• Prioritize Mental Health: Take mental health seriously, seeking professional help when needed.
• Challenge Stereotypes: Actively work against societal norms that restrict personal growth and acceptance.

Father Cooper sits down with Colton Underwood. Colton repressed his sexuality for the first 28 years of his life; a former NFL player and Bachelor star, Colton went to extremes to promote and perpetuate a heterosexual identity. Colton sits down with Alex to reflect on his manipulation tactics and the people he hurt along the way. Daddy Gang, tune in this week to hear Colton speak on the events that brought him to rock bottom, led him to make some of the biggest mistakes of his life, and ultimately reveal his true sexuality.

People

• Colton Underwood

Content Warnings:

• Suicidal ideation and attempt

Alex Cooper
Hi, guys. Before we get into the episode, I just wanted to give you guys a trigger warning that this episode does contain references to suicidal ideation and attempt. Take care of yourselves, daddies. I love you. Enjoy.

What is up, daddy gang? It is your founding father, Alex Cooper, with call her daddy. Daddy. Daddy. Daddy gang.

Daddy gang. There is a lot of controversy surrounding this week's guest. I was debating should I even have this person on the show? And my initial reaction was, I am going to put this person in the hot seat because he made a lot of borderline unacceptable mistakes.

Our guest this week is Colton Underwood. All you may know about him at this point is he was the bachelor, dating 20 plus women at one time, trying to find his future wife on reality television. And that whole time, he was hiding a secret so big that he planned to die protecting it. Colton left the bachelor with a serious girlfriend who he intended to marry. But his story took a twisted turn when they broke up.

And he broke down. She filed a restraining order against him. Someone tried to blackmail him and threatened to reveal his secret. And Colton hit rock bottom and tried to take his own life.

When Colton woke up from that failed suicide attempt, he knew it was time to face his true identity. Colton Underwood is gay, and this is the very complicated and controversial story of his coming out. Daddy Gang. I urge you to listen to this episode with an open mind. Maybe you'll hate this dude.

And you have no interest in why he made the decisions he made. Or after hearing more of the story than just the headlines and articles that you've read, you may be able to relate to him on some level. That is for you to decide. Colton Underwood. Yes.

Welcome to call her daddy. I'm excited to be here. Before watching your show, I'm gonna be honest. I had my preconceived notions. I read shit in the media.

I watch you on the Bachelor. But watching your documentary, docuseries. Are you calling it docuseries? It's just a series, okay. It's a series to anyone that hasn't watched it yet.

Can you give a little bit of, like, the premise and, like, why you decided to do this? Well, I mean, I went back and forth whether I was gonna do it this way or not, mainly because I obviously had a lot of anxiety coming off of the shows that I did. But when I really sat and thought about my life and what really got me hating myself, hating my actions, hating, like, just really the situation that I was in, it was because of all of these things that happened in my past, and I never had somebody to look at to be like, oh, wait, this is what I'm going through. So I think eventually that's sort of why I documented basically my coming out, walking through, you know, my upbringing in the church and then playing football, all of these really masculine, toxic masculine situations that pretty much just shoved me in the closet for a long time. And I brought a lot of that on myself.

Colton Underwood
In no way, shape or form was this process to shift blame or focus. I take ownership where I feel like it's important. But I also am asking and calling on two communities that really have a lot of growing to do and are sort of the last in our society to really have acceptance. And that's the church and sports. In the beginning, you start, you're coming out, and you're coming out to your family and your friends.

Alex Cooper
And during that process, I noticed that a lot of times, one of the first questions someone would ask you once you came out to them was, when did you know? And your response was always, like, about six years old. Six years old. I started to know what happened when you were six that made you start to, like, realize, like, I'm more interested. In men, I think.

Colton Underwood
So at six, I knew I was different if I wasn't like the other kids or I wasn't like the other boys in my class. And I couldn't really fully process it until high school to really understand that, like, hey, I'm attracted to men and to other, you know, guys. So I don't think there was, like, one specific thing when I was six. It's so hard, but yet so simple to explain because, like, just, like, you know, you're straight. I sort of just knew something was different, but I couldn't really be that because, like you said, growing.

I went to catholic grade school, too. Boys were supposed to be into girls and girls are supposed to be into boys, and that's God's word, supposedly. And there was all these signals from such a young age that honestly, and I wasn't like this last year when I was first coming out, but I've had now a year under my belt to really sit and figure out why. But I feel like I was almost reprogrammed in those circumstances that I grew up in to really sort of try to rewire me, and it just didn't work. Well, that's what I remember watching the doc when you were like, my brother didn't have to come out.

Alex Cooper
You don't have to come out, so why should someone else have to come out? And that's something I think hopefully, like, a series like yours is going to start to try to normalize. Like, it shouldn't be this or there. It should be everyone or no one. What?

When you're talking about when you're younger, like, was there something that prevented you from openly talking about this? Oh, yeah. I mean, you know, the Catholic Church, you know, you go to confession. I went to confession once a week. And you're taught from such a young age that homosexuality is a sin and, you know, masturbation is a sin.

Colton Underwood
All of these things that, you know, you're awkward anyway when you're that age and trying to figure out, like, you know, the first time you get a boner or, like, you're turned on, or you're like, what is going on here with my body? But you don't really have the space to explore it. It sounds silly, but, like, I just remember, like, being turned on by boys and by other guys, so I didn't know how to process it that young. That's why I said it. Didn't really fully hit me until high school, but I just knew that there was something different with me at that age.

Alex Cooper
And so you made a decision openly. You were open, saying, like, I'm a virgin. And do you think that that was half and half of, like, because you were raised Catholic and also because you were drawn towards men or, like, was it just fully one or the other? I think I was just scared to go to that next step with, you know, a woman or, you know, at the time a man because I was like, wait. You know, I.

Colton Underwood
I don't want to get myself into this if I'm gay, but also, I don't want to act on being gay because I'm scared of the repercussions in my work life. I mean, you know, at the time, there was no other other gay football players. And in college, I had a very good career, and I didn't want to be a distraction to the team. And kind coaches and other players in the locker room weren't very friendly. I say, I say, I think in the show, too, I was like, the locker room is extremely homophobic, but it's also very homoerotic where it's like slapping the ass, commenting on each other's dicks, and then all of a sudden being called a fag and queer and all these derogatories that you're like, wait, hold on.

And especially for someone in the closet, you're like, this is really messed up. Can you explain to me what was young Colton's experience in that locker room and navigating it, hiding. I mean, I wouldn't shower after practice because I was afraid of getting turned on in the locker room or in the shower. And, I mean, I never really was attracted to anybody who I played with or coaches, so it's sort of silly to even say that, but I wanted to avoid any chance of being outed. So I would not shower with the rest of the team.

I would leave. I would change in a corner or change in a stall. There was just a lot of things that I sort of did differently than other players because I felt like I had to because I didn't want questions to start being asked. You know, I ate, drank, and slept, and played football. Like, that was pretty much it.

And I would not party. I slept through my own house parties in college, and it's because I was afraid that if I got drunk, I would be gay. Like, it was literally that simple. But I didn't tell people that I was, you know, I'm more focused on my career right now. That's sort of how I leaned into it.

I could never explain to the bachelor fans, like, why I was a virgin. I never can give a good enough reason because I wasn't. I am a man of faith, but I'm not a man of faith to that level where it's like, hey, I'm, you know, and I think people could read through that a little bit. Yeah. But I never wanted to give them an excuse to call me gay then, because that's the next thing.

When you hear someone's a virgin, it's, oh, because they're. They're gay. Or maybe they're questioning things, and it's like, I can't be the bachelor and sit in front of America and say, I'm struggling with my sexuality like that. There's not that type of space for that audience and for that position. And I knew that.

That's why I signed up for it. Well, that was what I like. We're gonna get into that whole concept of being on reality tv, making a decision to go in front of everyone. But let's go back to what was your first sexual experience in high school?

Well, I had a girlfriend, and it was a stereotypical captain, the football team captain, the cheerleading squad, and she put her hands down my pants. I had a boner, and I was excited about it. But also, I just remember when it happened, it felt so wrong. And it wasn't wrong in the fact of, you're sinning or you're doing something. It's like this is not what you're into.

What is happening? Why are you doing this? Almost all that. And the next day, then I sort of went and broke up with her. And then rumors run around the high school that I was gay because someone touched my dick.

And then it was that moment, though, that I was like, okay, I either have to stop dating women and putting myself in this position, or I have to come out and figure this out. So I just avoided it from there, pretty much there on out. What did you do? Did you say anything to people that were like, oh, you're gay. Why did you break up with her?

Alex Cooper
Did you combat it at all? I really couldn't. Cause they were like. I was like, it just wasn't right, and I wasn't feeling it. Like, that was sort of my go to.

When you came out. Did anyone have one of those moments that they were like, you know what? Like, we did kind of know, like, was there any family members or friends or was it, like, such a secret that you. No one had any inclinations. Only two people.

Colton Underwood
And one happened on camera with Cassidy, and then the other one was my nana. And she's like, the moment I heard that you were coming home with cameras again, I knew what it was about. And I was like, oh, my gosh. You're like, fuck, I should have had you on the show. Did you consider we filmed with her?

There was some stuff with my Illinois family that got it. Honestly, I'm glad that I left them out to protect. You know, they didn't. They didn't sign up for a whole lot. A lot of people didn't.

And that's to, like, to credit everyone who participated in this show. Like, to give them an opportunity to sit with that type of thing. I tipped my hat. That was one of the big things for me is, like, I'm really about to put a lot of people in my life in an uncomfortable position. The big moment was like, we were all waiting to see, like, what was your dad's reaction gonna be?

Alex Cooper
And I'm sure so many kids, like, would wish that their parent would act exactly how your father did. Like, it was like, his support for you and him going to New York with you and being there for you and, oh, my God, I remember the moment where he was like, I will tell people. If you're getting sick of telling people, like, I will be the one. Like, how did that feel that, like. When he said that?

Colton Underwood
I got goosebumps because I played that conversation out in my mind millions of times throughout my life. And, you know, there was a version of like, I love you, I'm always gonna love you, I'm gonna support you. I thought that was the best. If you would ask me going into the question, what is the greatest reaction? But then he took it to the next level, which I never would have expected in a million years.

A father who is a proud conservative Republican, like, he has no problem with me saying that. That was the moment where I was like, holy crap. Like, this is. This is amazing. You know, my message to people now that I've actually had a year of sitting with it is like, you have to give people a chance.

You have to give people an opportunity. And, you know, he said that, too. He's like, I just wish you would have trusted me with this earlier. And you have regrets. But then also, it's like, yeah, I don't want to contradict myself because I was like, I want to live my life.

And will I mess up? Yes. Will I make mistakes? Yes. Do I have regrets?

Of course. I can do a million things better. And that's one of them. That looking back, it would have been nice to maybe give him a chance earlier in my life to be there and support me and love me. But I think he stepped up majorly.

Alex Cooper
When accounted back to the locker room, you discuss how the locker room can be one of the most homoerotic and homophobic settings. Can you explain that concept and those terms? Yes. So I guess, like, the best example for me to use, and this is like a legit, real example, you know, I'd be sitting in my locker and a guy would walk by, getting ready to go to the shower and comment on another guy's penis size, you know, or just be like, dang, that's big. Or, you know, stuff like that.

Colton Underwood
Or say, like, oh, you, like, comment on a nice ass. And that's where I'm saying it's a little homoerotic. Or they talk about, you know, their sex lives very proudly or, you know, publicly, and you're sort of in your face, and then within seconds, if you stare at the dick too long, it's, what are you doing, fag? Like, all of a sudden, the flip switches where there's, like, an appropriate time that you can look, but if you take it 1 second too long, you all of a sudden are gay. And it was super confusing because I'm sitting here like, wait, maybe other men, especially in this locker room, are questioning or struggling with their sexuality, too.

And then as soon as, like, that flicker of hope for me, right, it flipped to slurs and homophobia. And I'm like, ugh. Okay, nevermind. It's just me. Did you make those comments as well?

No, I stayed completely away from that. I kept my eyes locked on eyes at all times, and I played it very. I played it very safe because I just didn't want to give anybody a reason to come at me. It really was a mind fuck. And you never talked to anyone about it?

No, I could. I honestly, I probably had people in my life that I could have trusted, but I didn't trust anybody or lean on anybody.

Alex Cooper
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Daddy Gang, we got a text. I am so ready for Love island to be back. I am obsessed. Okay, the one and only Ariana Maddox is hosting the new season of Love Island USA, heating up now on Peacock. We are talking a brand new villa loaded with fresh bombshells.

And our favorite scottish hottie, Ian Sterling is back, narrating all the fun. Love Island USA is streaming now with new episodes six days a week at 09:00 p.m. eastern exclusively on Peacock. Visit Peacock to learn more. Was there ever a moment in high school that you considered opening up to anyone?

Colton Underwood
High school? No. College? Not really. Even college either.

My thought process was always the next stage of my life. So it's like, in high school, I didn't want to lose my scholarship. And then in college, I didn't want to lose a shot at being able to go pro. I didn't want to be a distraction. And then once pro, I didn't want to lose my job.

And then after that, I had a lot going on, and I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with my life. And then I signed up for bachelor. And then after that, I didn't want to lose trust. I didn't want to lose. So it was just always, my thought process was always going on to, how is this going to affect me in my future?

Alex Cooper
How do you define internalized homophobia?

Colton Underwood
For me, it was not giving myself any space to explore my feminine side. It was not me giving myself any space to really experiment or emotionally connect with men. I say that because, you know, while I was closeted, I did experiment physically, but it was and still is even to this day. Like, I still talk to my therapist about this. You know, I did it just for pleasure.

You know, I did it to get off and then back to my straight life. That was sort of how I did things. So there was a lot of internalized homophobia and shame after I did hook up with men and sit with it, and I was like, okay, that's wrong. Literally prayed and said, okay, I'm not gonna do that again. And then, you know, I'd get horny two weeks later.

And it was a cycle, right? But that's like, the type of homophobia that I was sort of. I sort of grew up in and around, and that's all that I really knew. So that's like, when Gus. Gus called me out in one of the first.

He's like, that's just internalized homophobia. And I was like, oh, wait, you're right. I am internally homophobic against myself. And I'm still. I will say this.

I'm still shaking and catching myself at times. I still have some homophobia, internalized homophobia in me. Little hitches here and there where I'm like, wait, and how can you not. Colton, like, you literally lived trying to suppress a natural feeling that you were having and, like, hating, I'm assuming, about yourself being like you said in your series, you're like, I was literally praying the gay away. There were moments where I'm like, please let this be the moment that I can turn straight.

Alex Cooper
When you talk about hooking up with guys, when was the first time that you had a experience with a guy sexually? When I was 21 and literally on my 21st birthday. But I will say this. I only hooked up with guys when I was single. There was never times when I was in a committed relationship.

Colton Underwood
And I was not very educated either on risks sexually with HIV and anything gay I didn't look at. So I never even educated myself, which I know now to do better. And I've learned since coming out about all of that. But I want to make that clear, too, is, like, there. You know, I didn't when I was growing up and when I was going through all of that, I was making sure that I at least was trying to be as respectful not only to myself, but whoever I was involved with at the time.

Alex Cooper
Were you nervous that, like, picking people specifically so that, like, what if they told someone? You know what I mean? Like, was it people in college? Like, how did you navigate that? Like, were you terrified?

Colton Underwood
No. Well, yes, I was terrified being the bachelor, because I was like, oh, my gosh. Now my face is plastered everywhere. How old were you when you became the bachelor? 26.

Alex Cooper
You were like, are these guys gonna come forward? Totally. There was a lot of anxiety and sleepless nights. And, you know, I don't. I either got lucky or I was very careful.

Colton Underwood
And to be honest with you, I don't. I don't care. I'll just tell you. But to be honest with you, a lot of the men that I hook up with were, I think, straight in their real life, too. They were all pretty closeted themselves, so I don't think there was any man that was going to be coming out to get me because they would be outing themselves as well.

And it wasn't like, a ton of men. It was, like, a few that, you know, and they never had my real name. They never. That's how, like, how sort of scared and secretive it all was. I remember your season.

Alex Cooper
I remember. I watched it bachelor nation, and I remember people tweeting, being like, I don't know if he's a virgin. Like, fuck that. Like, everyone go find, like, a chick that he's fucked. And so it is fucking terrifying sometimes when, you know, like, people will go to the end of the earth to find your shit.

And I can only imagine, like, did the bachelor people be like, is there anything we need to know before you come on? And did you have to look at them and be like, no, I'm a virgin. Like, totally. I was very, very concerned and very worried. I did hear a rumor, though, that one of the producers ended up finding out that I did hook up with a man but kept it secret or took care of it.

Colton Underwood
I don't know. I can't verify. Right. Right. I mean, obviously that was terrifying, too.

And it's also. It was also, for me, hard because I felt like, obviously, a lot of shame, but then I also felt shame and lying and deceiving, but then I couldn't really be honest to work through it with people. I mean, don't get me wrong. I do think if I would have been upfront and honest from the very beginning, people would have supported and been okay with it. I think some people would have had a lot to say, too, and the other way around.

Alex Cooper
But it's like, when you say, like, be honest, it's like, that's why I want people to watch your show, because it's like, this is something you've been carrying, and people can call it a lie, but, like, you've been carrying this part of yourself that you haven't been able to one explore or accept. So how the fuck are people going to be judgmental of anyone's process of coming out? Like, you literally were, like you just said, internalizing how much you hated a part of yourself that is, like everyone sexually. That's like our biggest coming of age moment when we're, like, in our teen years, it's like, how are we going to explore? And the fact that you couldn't actually genuinely explore, like, that's fucking hard.

In your new show. Coming out, Colton. Yes. You go and you visit your coach. Yep.

Tell me about your coach's response to you going and coming out to your high school coach. Well, first, like, the reason I had the conversation with him is because I have so much love and respect for him, and I said it in there like, he's like a second dad to me. Why did you love him? He was always in my corner and always there for me in the most obvious ways as me as a player, me as a, you know, the growth of me as a human being. Could he have done better at certain?

Colton Underwood
Of course he could have. And that was sort of what I had to get off my chest to him of saying, like, it's frustrating because I love you and care for you so much and have so much to thank you for. Like, you helped pay for my college education by allowing me to be such a good football player and having my back and talking to coaches for me. But there's also this big part of me that you didn't know that some things that you did and said and allowed your coaching staff and some of the players to say, stuck with me. And I mean, as much as you want to sit there and be like, I'm frustrated for you, for him, it's much bigger than one singular person.

He is a good man with a good heart, and I will always say that about him. But this is small town America through and through, and this is locker rooms through and through. There was an opportunity that I would have loved for him on camera to say, hey, I'm a coach. I affect players and students on a daily basis. How can I help shift this narrative?

And he didn't do that, but he did pick up the phone and call me later that night. We spent 2 hours on the phone later that night, which is unfortunate. No, but that is literally, like, helps clarify. And I think that some. Listen, someone that you looked up to on camera, his reaction was, like, pretty dull and, like, a little distant.

Alex Cooper
And there was a part of me that also was, like, looking behind your head in the camera and seeing 60 plus kids on a field, and half of them could be gay or struggling with their sexuality. And it's like, that was such a missed opportunity. And I know that's not either of your duty to, like, you go and talk to these kids, but a part of me wanted them to be like, let's reintroduce the real Colton. Like, talk to these kids. Like, that could really help one of them.

Like, what would you say if you had the chance to, like, stand in a locker room right now with those kids and be like, let me change this culture for you? Well, it's not gonna be one person that changes it totally. It's. No matter what I said in that locker room, I can't change it as one man. You know, it's a collective effort.

Colton Underwood
And it's conversations like this to help explain to people, like, what I went through that program and that school hung its hat on me and my name for a while while I was playing there and while I was playing in college. And even, you know, professionally, they would, you know, this is where Colton played. Like, that was said. But would they still say that if they knew I was gay? That was always my fear and my question.

I'll share this with you, too, because it just happened yesterday. My small town is not very happy that I did this. They didn't know what it was about, and they feel like it's not a great representation, and they claim it's gotten better. I posted on my instagram yesterday. I had people from Kenya, India, China, Japan, international people, thanking me and saying the sports culture and the religion culture, those episodes really stuck with me.

And then I'm scrolling through my messages and I see faggot with three clown emojis, and I go to visit the kid's profile. It's a student from my town that goes to my high school and plays on our football team. I think I'm sharing that because it's important, because people in my town and people in small towns, like, it's gotten better and we're inclusive. No. I'm in a position where I'm surrounded by love and I'm surrounded by a support system that does not get to me.

But I had to put trigger warning before I posted it. And then Instagram took it down. But I was like, how can he message me that? And you don't allow me to post this. But anyway, that affects people.

Words hurt. Like, words keep people in the closet. And that's one student that maybe he said that to two or three kids. Maybe to your point, out of those 60 kids, maybe one or two of them are either bisexual, trans, or gay. And maybe if the coaching staff and the captains of the.

I'm not going to put it all on the coaching staff. I agree. But the other teachers, I heard it from teachers, I heard it from big father figures in our society and in our town. But if they sort of put their foot down and said, hey, let's not do that, it could help. It could help because you're a hot dude and you are white and you are privileged.

Alex Cooper
And so it's like the fact that you're using your platform. Not everyone gets a Netflix series. No, you using your platform and showing people, this is my journey. But you're not saying, mine is so, so much harder than everyone's. It's just shedding light on, like, yo, this is what's happening.

And, like, let's start the conversation and keep it going. And I'll say this off that, because I see the criticism. I know that people are upset that I'm. I have white privilege, and I got a series after coming out. I couldn't imagine what it's like to be someone from an underprivileged area to have to come out and not only risk losing their football, but risk losing a house and food and money.

Colton Underwood
Those are the real things. Are we to a point in society where we can pick and choose and compare traumas? I don't think we are yet. And that. That was never my goal, too.

And I never wanted to compare my trauma to anybody else. I just wanted to get my side out there and my story out there to say, hey, this is what I've been through. And if people, especially from Bachelor nation, will tune in and listen to me, then I feel like I've done my part in starting the conversation, and there's so much more I can do. So. Okay, we're done with the locker room.

Alex Cooper
Let's go on to the bachelor. Yes.

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How did you end up on the bachelorette? Well, after football, I was in a pretty public relationship. I got out of that and I was going through a lawsuit with one of my former teams upon my shoulder, and I just made the decision with my doctor that I couldn't play again. So I'm like, okay, well, I've been playing this for 17 years, literally, how I paid my bills. And now what?

Colton Underwood
And I asked my dad, I said, hey, I just want a year off. Like, I. I feel like I'm in a position. I feel like I earned this. Like, let me just take a year off.

Don't judge me. Don't. I just want to figure this out. I asked for permission if I could take a year off. And, you know, a lot of.

I'm so glad you said that, though, because a lot of my friends call me out for that because I always have to ask for approval. I was like, you have to realize I had a coach and multiple coaches that I had to get permission from for the. My structure of my day my entire life, all the way down to my classes. So I always ask for permission. And my dad and I, as you know, from the series, like, we always more had a coaching relationship than we did father son.

So, yes, I asked my dad for permission at age 24, 25 to take some time off and. And ended up doing some casting things. Before you knew it, though, like, they had me in front of a camera out in LA testing me for all these things. I was like, okay. And then at the same time, though, I was like, thank God, this is my chance.

I'm gonna hide in plain sight. But also, this is another way for me to convert myself to be straight. And that's truly, truly what I felt was like, this is great. I'm going to end up with a woman from the show. Now that you've also given us that background of, like, knowing I was gay, but having, like, sports to be like, but I gotta go to the next thing.

Alex Cooper
I gotta go. And so it kept prolonging you from maybe, like, fully leaning in and be like, how do I get in tune with self acceptance? The fact that then football ends, was there any bit of panic or like, that's immediately why you ran to be like, all right, what's the next thing? Cause then totally, like, football ended and I have a college degree, but I've never worked a day in my life, like, an actual job. So I was like, okay, great, I'm gonna go do this tv show.

Colton Underwood
It's fun. Maybe, you know, something comes from this. And I have no problem saying this. I loved television. It was fun to share, it was fun to record.

Sometimes I go back and forth with everybody who's like. Cause the bachelor's famous thing is right reasons. Is he here for the right reasons? Nobody on this. Everybody's here because they want to have a good time.

And if finding love comes from it, then great. I think we can all hopefully stop with the smoke and mirrors from that now. Totally. And just realize, like, hey, we're here to have fun, but why does it have to be one or the other. As it has progressed?

Alex Cooper
Like, everyone's going on there to get Instagram famous. Let's be. Call it what it is. Like, it used to be that. Like, let's go have fun.

Like, I don't know what I'm doing. I'm in my twenties. Well, for me, I got to travel that I'll say this, like, did I know it was gonna give me Instagram followers? Yes. Did I do it for that?

Colton Underwood
No, I did. I feel like Instagram wasn't even as. It wasn't. Yeah, I'm saying now it's really Instagram heavy. I feel like for you guys, it was fun and, like, use it to experience life.

I played football year round, so that was my first time on my bachelor season to go to Asia, to travel like I did and to have the experience. And to be honest with you, it was really nice because that was the one thing I missed from football, was the melting pot of cultures. For me to be on a cast with men from different parts of the country gave me that familiarity that I had from football, of being like, okay, we have this bond, but you are so different than me. You were born and raised completely different. But, like, that's what I loved and.

Alex Cooper
Missed from football was the dynamic at all, though, like, a locker room. Like, was there any homophobia? No. Honestly, no. Because, well, one Jason shared early on for my season, his brothers were both gay or.

Colton Underwood
No, his. I'm sorry. His brother was gay. Brother. Okay, got it.

Just one. But is married. So, like, I think people and people knew that in the house, too, so I don't think there was even a chance for any, you know, homophobic things to go around. But also, I feel like in the entertainment industry, more than the sports, it's so common. A lot of the producers that work on bachelor are gay.

There was never any moments in the house. But I will say I was a little nervous and scared at times that somebody's gaydar would be really good around me, and maybe it was and they didn't feel comfortable saying or asking anything. Was there ever on your end a feeling of, like, fuck? Like, I wish I was here to be dating these dudes and not like. And then you have this one woman that you're going to date.

Alex Cooper
How did you navigate being literally saturated by men again, who are way more accepting than your former teammates? Totally. I mean, did I find some of the men not on my season attractive? But maybe because I was really, really good at compartmentalizing. Like, I was so good at telling myself, you have a job to do.

Colton Underwood
This is what you're here for. This is what's happening. Like, stay focused. Did I find some of the, like, producers attractive? Yes.

Did I find, you know. Yeah, obviously I can find people attractive. Never acted on any of that. Never did or made advances or moves or anything like that. I was so good at compartmentalizing my life, and I just knew that obviously I'm here to.

On a show that. Right. Is looking for my wife. Yeah. So this is what I have to do.

I cringe now, even looking back at some of, like, how good I was at manipulating situations and compartmentalizing. But I've been doing it since I was six. Yeah. Like, and I don't think you should cringe, though, Colton, because it's how you survived. Yeah.

Like, until I almost didn't. I mean, that's truly. It sounds terrible, but, like, that was my survival mechanism all the way to the point of self harm. And as I think you know now, like, how many people in the community are, like, same. So it's like, it's something that needs to change socially and culturally rather than you shouldn't feel shame.

Alex Cooper
That's literally how so many people have lived. So. So you're on bachelorette, and I need to understand your mentality of, like, so you genuinely were like, if I am the last one, like, I'm gonna marry this person and, like, yeah. Yes and no. Okay.

Colton Underwood
I'll never discount my relationships with women because it's true. I had feelings and I was attracted to females, too. I know that's sometimes hard for people to understand or get. I think there was always a hesitation for me. And I liked the safe play.

I mean, obviously you saw that conversation with Anieika, too. Of, like, I just. Oh, totally. Don't get me wrong. I would have known in a second.

Alex Cooper
Eaten you. I love the idea of a super strong woman who's there to call me on my bullshit, but at the same time, being a closeted man, having to navigate that, that also scared the shit out of me. Yeah, that didn't work at the time. No. Now you can surround yourself with them, but at the time you're like, who's gonna just, like, totally and chill and not be like, why are you being weird?

Colton Underwood
That's why. Professionally now, my team is literally a bunch of strong, badass women. And also, like, they're loving and nurturing and weirdly, not catty or competitive or egotistical. It's just I'm finding out, like, the balance of masculine and feminine. There's pros and cons to both, but at the end of the day, y'all.

Y'all got the upper hand. I'll just say that I love it. Thank you. So you get eliminated. And have you talked to Becca since?

Since coming out? To be honest with you, I distanced myself from the franchise pretty heavily just because around the same, I just went through a lot mentally, like, my struggles and asked for help from them. Didn't get it. And just, there was a lot of bad blood on my end and their end, it just. It was not a healthy relationship.

So I really distanced myself from that franchise completely. You get eliminated? Yeah. Did you even know immediately you were gonna potentially be the bachelor? I think I had an idea after, like, paradise just because, like, there was those conversations of, you know, the typical entertainment industry of, like, we need to continue your story.

Like, you can't go from getting broken up with. You need to go and talk to Tia now. Right? And then from there, your story arc can go here. Like, I know there's, like, this bubble that America wants to think the bachelor operates in, but, like, let's be real, too.

There's very real moments, of course, but the entire, like, you don't walk into, like, this magical fairy. Like, I obviously hope people understand that. But then also, like, there has to be drama. There has to be give and take there. And, like, I think, honestly, that's sort of why I got the gig is because I was very transparent in my meetings of being like, look, let's make a good show.

But at the end of the day, like, this is what I need. And I'm asking from you guys, and, like, that's business. That's life, too, right? Everyone can relate to at least this. Like, when you all of a sudden tell a lie, and then all of a sudden, it's so spiraling, and you're like, wait.

Alex Cooper
It wasn't meant to get this big because all of it was, like, the virgin bachelor. It was a spider web of lies, and, yeah, every time. Did you read that art, like, headline of yourself? Were you sick? Yeah.

Colton Underwood
At first, I had no choice but to lean into it. Yeah. Cause that's sort of what the network literally was marketing me as. And then I started getting sick of it and fighting it, because no matter what my explanation was, like, there was. There was, like, after I came out, I just wish I would have been like, I'm questioning my sexuality.

Does that. Does that satisfy your answer of why I'm a virgin? Like, I didn't want to go there with women because I didn't know if this was in my cards. I had prayed and hoped and wished that it would be, but I didn't know, and there just was not that room. And I don't think it would have been well received if I did.

Alex Cooper
Yeah, I remember watching it, and people would always be like, so why are you a virgin? And you're like, I'm Christian. And, you know, just my. I didn't have time because I was an athlete. That was literally one of my answers.

Colton Underwood
And I was like, oh, my gosh. People are actually buying, like, buying the athlete thing. Totally. Okay, so you become the bachelor. Yeah.

Alex Cooper
Bring me in your head. In that moment, I honest, honestly, I was thanking God. It sounds so crazy. But I remember, like, when I got the call, I remember I was playing a pickup game of basketball, and they called me, like, hey, you are going to be on a plane to New York this afternoon, and we're going to announce you tomorrow as a bachelor. And on the way home, driving home to pack my suitcase, I was literally praying and saying, thank you, lord, for making me straight.

Colton Underwood
Like, thank you for giving me this opportunity to find my wife. Because my whole theory in it is I can get rid of all of these lies in the spiderweb that I created. If I went on and got a fiance, it's going to make me a little more straight. And then once we get married, I'm definitely gonna be committed and I'm gonna be straight. And all these urges to want to be with men are gonna go away.

And then once I have a kid, for sure, that's game over. Like, I can't risk losing a family. So it's always leveling up, leveling up all of my, like, things that I could lose and risk, I thought was gonna keep making me more straight. It makes sense now. Like, hearing you from start to, like, I'm playing sports, it was like, I can't do this because I got to go to college and college to the NFL.

Alex Cooper
And then you get into the bachelor world, and it's the same thing of, like, but then I can find the wife, and then I won't be gay, and then I'll have kids, and then I can't be gay. And it's like you're constantly running from something, and so it makes sense how you get down this rabbit hole of, like, hold on. What if I ever did want to come out? Like, what is that? It looked almost probably impossible at times.

Colton Underwood
Well, and I wanted that. I wanted it to be impossible. And I think, like, I mean, obviously now I'm so grateful. It's. It wasn't.

But that was. It was. You're exactly right. It was just a different game. Like, it was same environment, just different circumstances.

Alex Cooper
During your season, I remember people tweeting, speculating you were gay. Did you ever read those tweets? And I did. I remember Karamo actually, on Twitter posted something about me being gay, and that one hit me the hardest because, like, oh, my gosh, he actually has a following, and he's calling me out. And at the time, we had the same stylist.

Colton Underwood
So I was like, why is he doing this to me? Like, trying to figure out, like, what was going on here? I think I got defensive. I didn't fire anything off to him, but I. Yeah.

Frustrated when people called me gay because I was like, am I not hiding it well enough? You know, hard on yourself? Totally. Did you ever have, like, pr people come to you? Like, do you want to say something to this?

Alex Cooper
Or. It was. You just. There was. I mean, towards the end, right?

Colton Underwood
Like, before I came out, there was a couple things that happened that my. And that's sort of how the show even came to be is because of the circumstances of being blackmailed and stuff. My team knew, and my publicist was the one who actually, I told first because he was on a call, a podcast that I did, and they asked me about the. Asked me about the LGBTQ community, and I stumbled with the answer very similar to, like, what I did with you right there. And I got nervous, and he was like, we need to redo that answer.

Like, is everything? Because I didn't want to be affirming enough because I didn't want people to come at me. But I also wanted to make sure that people knew I was loving and accepting. It just was like, I fumbled the answer so bad that my publicist, like, that was not a good answer. What is going on here?

Alex Cooper
You've learned how to act, and you've got these two sides to yourself, and, you know, when you need to, like, dip into this one that you've used your whole life, which is trying to pretend you're straight and even you saying in a podcast, you're like, I needed to answer. When they asked me about the LGBTQ community, not so, like, yes, I love them. Cause they're like, oh, is he gay? Or then it's like, not be like, um. Well, so it's like, you had to find this balance that's just, like, exhausting.

Colton Underwood
You're always on. You're always like, I was always on. I was always on edge. I was always, like, looking over my shoulder. Towards the end of my breaking point, I was so paranoid, and I was so freaked out, and I was so heavily medicated, just trying to, like, keep this thing in the bottle at the time, it was 28 years of, like, the culmination of my lying to get to that point.

That's something. You know, the show, I left the. I left blackmail completely out of the show. And just because, like, I don't want to give whoever that was any power. Of, do they want money?

Alex Cooper
Like, what do they want? They just had a specific list of demands that were weird to me. I just, you know, weirdly enough, I'm thankful because I don't know if any of that. If I would be sitting here today out if that hadn't started to happen. People publicly saw me.

Colton Underwood
Really not healthy. Yeah. Like, I was. And I can say that I was seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist after my breakup. You know, once every week, both of them.

Alex Cooper
I just want to say kudos to you for not allowing someone that's blackmailing you to, like, it would have been maybe easy to try to be like, fuck, I just have to go and do everything that they're saying. The fact that you found the strength to be like, no, I'm not gonna. I'm not gonna, like, go towards that. And if anything, fuck that person. One, I love that you didn't put it in, and two, I think it's empowering that you're like, actually, I'm just gonna do it myself.

You then can't have power over me. Okay, back to bachelor fantasy suites. Okay. Did you go on a fantasy suite with Becca? No.

Colton Underwood
No, I got eliminated. Four there. Okay. And then in paradise, Tia and I joked because the only room, like, air conditioned on that is the boom boom room. So, like, do the fact that it's a name.

Alex Cooper
The boom boomer. Whatever they want. Yeah. So I always knew, like, how that would be edited, so I never did that. I sacrificed a lot of hours of sleep because I cannot sleep in the hotness or in the heat.

Colton Underwood
And then my season, I did the one with Tayshia, did you not do the two others? No. I remember. So I ended up breaking up with Taisha and Hannah, and, yeah, chose Cassie, so. So you went into one fantasy suite.

Alex Cooper
Can you walk me through. Just. Cause we have to do a bachelor in HBC. What were you thinking? And going into that fantasy suite?

Colton Underwood
I didn't want to. I had a real conversation with the producers of being like, this is. I can't do this. Like, I don't want to. There's no part of me.

And I mean, out of no disrespect to Tayshia, but I slept in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, and I didn't want to be rude, but, like, I was literally. I didn't sleep the entire night. I did not sleep because I was nervous. I mean, obviously, when you sleep with someone the first time, you're nervous like you're going to fart or do something weird or silly. So I had all those regular, normal nerves, but then I also had the nerves of, like, this does not feel right.

And I was literally, like, shaking and, like, sad and just emotional. Did you in that moment, consider just being like, I'm done with all this, or were you like, I gotta stay the course. Like, I have to make it to the end of this? Yeah, but at the end of the day, when I was so good at compartmentalizing things, I was so good at saying, hey, I have a job to get done. Like, my football programming kicked in, being like, get through this.

You got this. Did you say anything to Taisha? Sorry. Well, I guess, again, you had been, like, a virgin. Really?

Like. But, like, what do you say in that situation? I mean, I could have obviously broken every rule, but, like, they tell you this is how it has to happen, right? Like, you can't just break up with somebody off camera because then the viewers are gonna be like, well, something happened that night, right? And then the speculation and the drama is there.

So I was like, I don't want to cause any scenes, so let's just get through this. Do you think she knew something was really off? Totally. Yes. Have you heard from her at all?

No. No. Okay, can we talk about the infamous wall incident? Because it makes a little bit more sense now, but, like, you in this season, you're like, holy fuck, Cassie's leaving, and you witness a wall, and you're like, I'm gonna jump over this wall. And you ran away from the camera and the crew and everyone.

Alex Cooper
What actually was happening in that moment? Think it was just me being so frustrated, not only with production but myself, yeah. First and foremost, now that I can be completely transparent, it's like, I think there was moments where I'm just like, why am I doing this? What am I doing? It's not working.

Colton Underwood
It is working. But wait. You know, I only want her, but I have to put this show on. And there's just so much going on in those moments. And then when she decided to leave, I was like, what?

This makes no sense. Like, I. I'm just trying to be straight. And, like, I finally found somebody who piqued my interest. I remember, you know, people's tweets of being like, that's problematic.

Why is he holding on so tight? And it's like, well, if only you knew. If only you knew that, like, this is the only one out of 30 that I thought, like, could change me. I went all in, and that was sort of what led to the quitting the show or running away from the show at the time. What was it about Cassie that you thought, like, this person could change me?

I just. I mean, just her in general. I mean, her. Our connection, our friendship, mannerisms, everything like that. I mean, we did.

You know, we did date for a year and a half after, and she's a good person and a good human being. And it was, you know, it was easy. Like, that was the best way. It was easy. And for me, I don't ever want to take this to diminish a relationship.

But it was also safe. That's not a negative in any way, shape, or form. But for me, it was a safe place to hide, and it was a safe place for me to, like, slow my roll to then keep inching forward of being a little more straight, you know? Did you have sex? I mean, I think it's pretty obvious.

Alex Cooper
Yeah. Yeah. So that parts. I mean, obvious, but also confusing for me. Yeah.

Colton Underwood
Because it's like, you know, how do I. It makes it very real and hard for me to explain to people of, like, well, you knew you were gay, but also you're attracted. How is this a thing? And I was like, have you guys ever heard of, like, a spectrum and, like, a scale? And I truly, firmly believe in that.

I'm still identify as a gay man, but I'm still. There's still a part of me that is attracted to women. I think a lot of people in the world would be like, me too, Colton. Like, I don't think you're alone in that. And I don't think that's a crazy concept at all.

Alex Cooper
Why does it end? Well, Covid I mean, yeah, Covid, really, for me, put a lot of things in perspective and I ended up getting it and I was quarantining. So the first time since pretty much the show, our life slowed down and stuff stopped. And I think that was for a lot of people. You could not run, you could not hide, you could not distract yourself in any other thing.

Colton Underwood
You had to really sit and talk through things. Yeah. And, I mean, look, I'm not gonna speculate, but I think, you know, some things were hard and not adding up for her or some things were happening, I don't know. And it ended. Were you forcing yourself to, like, be as sexual as you could be or was it just like you weren't having a lot of sex?

No, honestly, none of that was mainly the issue. Okay. And look, she's asked not to be, like, brought back into the media and stuff, so I always want to respect that. But at the same time, I know I have things that I needed to address and talk about, and there's a lot of layers to those things. There's a lot of things that are private.

And I just. I mean, obviously would give people more of a context of what was going on, but are not really appropriate for me to share. So I try to do my best right now of balancing of, like, staying and can I say this? Like, she has every right to do that. Absolutely.

She has every right to say, I no longer want to be. You have no access to this. I'm shutting it off. I'm drawing boundaries because I've learned boundaries this year, too, and it's way healthier. So I'm trying my hardest right now to give respect and the boundary that she asked for and do that.

But at the same time, I mean, I obviously see the media, I see the reports, I see the words associated with me. And it's hard at times to have to swallow and just be like, okay. She deserves her privacy, and you fucked up, and so you wanna, like, without talking about her, like, you deserve to be able to, like, make sense of what you did. Was it the last episode in your new show coming out? Colton?

Yes. You meet with a mutual friend of yours and Cassie. It was a pretty heated conversation, and I thought it was powerful. Cause as a gay man, he was like, listen, I get it. You were doing anything to keep your secret, but what you did to her is so fucked up.

Alex Cooper
Walk me through that moment on the show. How did you feel when he was confronting you? I mean, I took it in and listened, and I think that was sort of the first time that I was like, okay, I need to hear this out, because I know I have my side, and I know I have, but my side is what got me into this trouble in the first place. So just listening to him sort of talk and be like, look, as another gay man, we all have our road to this. And, like, I get it.

Colton Underwood
But also, you have to realize, like, this is not okay either. Yeah. So I just sat there and listened, and I, like, if I took anything from this show, it's to listen more. And since coming out, I obviously don't have to overcompensate anymore. I don't have to have the most to say in a room or like, to hide in plain sight.

Like, I can just really take things in and slow down and stop having to distract myself, and that is peace. Have you talked to Cassie since your Netflix special? No. There are people who are critical of what you've done, and there are people probably listening who are not even gonna watch the Netflix series because they're like, fuck him. I don't agree with what he's done.

Alex Cooper
I don't agree how he handled things. They're probably saying he knew he was gay all along. Manipulating women he used coming out as a way to deflect from the restraining order. XYZ, what would you like to say to the people right now that are listening, that are having a hard time separating the harassment and you're coming out as gay? Well, I would say that there was a lot that went into that version of myself.

Colton Underwood
And since coming out, I in no way, shape, or form, I'm trying to make people look the other way or forget about anything. I will own my mistakes, and I'll own who I was at that time in my life. And I think that's important for people to hear is, like, me doing this show was never to flip the page or start a new chapter. It was for me to say, like. And to show like, I fucked up.

I made mistakes. I did, and I will always own those. But there are so many layers to this that got me to this position, and I will own what I have to own. But also, there's other people and other things going on who I'm asking for help from, too. Because if I got myself into this position and got to a point where I was self harming, where I was, you know, harassing and hurting other people, I can't be alone that this has to be going on in other parts of our country and our world.

So I think that is what I would say is, like, give it an opportunity to peek through my lens and my mistakes in my life to try to find something that you might relate to in yours. It doesn't have to be coming out. You can be going through something similar where you are really mean to somebody that does not deserve it, but you're projecting or you are overcompensating or you're just not dealing with a specific trauma that you've had to go through in your life. And it doesn't make it right or wrong. It just makes you human.

And I know that I'm a public figure, and I know that I've been on people's television screens for multiple things over the last two or three years. But I also hold a responsibility for a platform and a privilege that I have to try to do right, not only to my past communities, but to my future ones and to the communities that I belong to now. So that's. I guess what I'm trying to say is, we're human beings. We're complex.

We're good and bad at times, and it's what we do and how we grow from there that, you know, makes us human.

Alex Cooper
What was your lowest point? Was there a specific moment where you felt like, this is rock bottom?

Colton Underwood
Yeah. I think the morning that I woke up, that I didn't think I was gonna wake up.

I had never had anything like that happen. I've gone through depression and anxiety and had suicidal thoughts of, like, you know, driving in the mountains in Colorado if my car goes over this cliff. And I never thought anything of those, you know, of those thoughts. All of a sudden, this weekend in which I was getting through wasn't really eating. I was just taking Xanax.

And I was like, what? What? Why am I leaving? Living? And that's sort of the moment that I woke up with vomit next to me on my bathroom floor, was the moment where I was like, this is not good or okay, and I need help.

And that was sort of the game changer for me and sort of the step. A step in the direction of recovering. But to even get to that point, you know, there was a lot of private things that I was dealing with, obviously, emotionally and mentally, but also just, like, career wise, of, you know, some things happening behind the scenes that nobody will ever understand or know. And it's not anything I want to revisit, either. That's why it's, like, hard when you see these headlines or what people have to say.

It's like that stage of my life was so dark and so really traumatic as far as, like, how it got me there. But I also know that I'm not the only one that's been there before. There's people that are there now, and there's people that are going to get there, but if they can know it gets better, then there's hope. Had you been abusing Xanax and stuff, and then that was a big day, that then you just took it too far. Did you want to kill yourself?

I mean. Yeah, that's why. What? I thought I was taking enough, and I didn't. Or I just.

My body didn't react to it like it was going to. I don't know. I mean, I was prescribed it to deal with social anxiety because I had that from the show and I was in therapy, but I never. I never really came out to a therapist. I never really trusted anybody with it.

So there was just a lot that built up to that. But I found comfort in numbing myself. And the best way for me to say is, like, xanax to me, put me in a different world. Like, it allowed me to sort of, like, have this out of body experience of, like, okay, you're fine. Like, you're good.

Alex Cooper
The fact that you said you didn't even feel comfortable coming out to a therapist, the paranoia. Well, I was paranoid. I live in Hollywood, right? Do you know how much money a therapist or somebody, a source could make and sell it to like that? And I don't want to say poor me, because I put myself in that position.

Colton Underwood
We're talking about that web. Yeah. You say one lie, you know that one lie, and then you take your career to a next level, and all of a sudden, now you have to worry about this person selling it to TMZ or whatever for, you know, thousands. They can make so much money off of that. And I knew that because I understand the business.

Alex Cooper
Right. And it scared me. You said, I never thought I was going to come out. I thought I was going to die with this secret. When was the moment you realized, I'm coming out?

Colton Underwood
Whew. I mean, I could tell you exactly where I was when I first came out to my first person. I was walking on my driveway or my grandma's driveway back in Illinois, and my publicist called me. And, I mean, he had a lot of different pieces to the puzzle as far as, you know, being on the call with a podcast. He had a copy of the blackmail emails, and he just asked me the question.

And I just remember sort of, like, breaking down and pausing for, like, a good 45 seconds, and he point blank was just like, I think I know what's going on. Like, are you gay? And, like, it was in that moment that I said yes for the first time. And then from there, you know, what. Did that feel like?

It felt so good, and, like, he comforted and was like, everything's gonna be okay. We're gonna be fine. We're gonna get through this. And then from there on out, with everything that was going on behind the scenes, the rest of my team had to know, too. So with every person that I came out to and the love and support that I got from my professional team sort of gave me this buildup of this momentum, because I've also read a lot of stories and messages from people saying, I came out to my friends before I came out to my family, and that's very common because they want to test the waters and stuff like that.

I can truly say coming out to my professional team before my family gave me confidence and sort of allowed me to really feel good in doing it. Were either of your parents or even just whoever you ended up telling on the series, were any of them afterwards, like, frustrated to have that private moment made public? I don't know if I would say frustrated. My dad. My dad's been quoted already.

I think he said it to the New York Times. Like, great, dad. Thanks. He just doesn't come from this world, so he doesn't really fully understand it. He was like, would I have wanted it to be off camera?

Sure. Absolutely. He sort of put me in a weird position, right? Which I think we could all be like, yeah. And I was like, yeah, I agree with you, but also, you're a champ.

Thank you for allowing me this space. And, you know, my mom does not like cameras, but I think that it all go. And my brother hates cameras, too, so. But I think that all goes to show you how much love and support I have. And it's not lost on me.

Like, these people in my life that joined me on this really were doing it because they loved and supported me, because they saw what I went through after my falling out of the spotlight and tv and sort of what I went through. And I think that they knew they needed to step up and be there for me, and they were. Did the Internet and public opinion. Rob, this moment from you, a lot of it was like, this is a publicity stunt. Like, he's just doing this to cut.

Alex Cooper
How did that feel? I mean, as much as people can be skeptical about this, the show leaking was not like, I didn't want to announce a show until we were done. Like, until, like, until Netflix or whoever wanted to announce it. So it getting leaked, I feel like, was the main negative feedback of people. Like, this is a pr stunt.

Colton Underwood
He's just doing this because he has a show, and it's like, that was never supposed to happen. But when you said on Good Morning Morning America, like, I'm gay, and then people like, I remember reading tweets of people being like, fuck this. Like, I don't even know if they were saying, like, no, he's not. But I know some people were like, this is so fucking fake. Like, you're trying to, like, divert the attention.

Alex Cooper
How did that make you feel after you've had this secret and you're, like, finally relinquishing control of it and you're saying it out loud, and then people are like, nah, fuck you. I mean, I understand where they were coming from because they only know me. What? They. They only know me or of me from what they seen of me, which I'll go on record and say, like, the ABC version of me isn't me.

Colton Underwood
There's definitely parts of me, like, what it wasn't acting or anything like that, but, like, who that was was not a comfortable version of myself. I have, obviously, some sympathy for those people who are like, okay, like, is. There anything you see online that people, like, make fun of you for on your. That you're like, I know, I'm cringing, too. Like, was there anything you did that you're like, why did I do that shit?

I mean, the easy one for me is, like, the virgin storyline that got sort of ramped up and taken out of my hands, and they ran with it, right? That one, it's a little cringey. I mean, obviously, just being the bachelor in general now after coming out, I'm like, why did I put myself through that? But also, I don't know if I'd be here if I didn't do that. So it's like, I can't even play those games.

But, you know, look, I'm in a position in my life now. I have nothing. I've carried shame for being gay for so long that I don't really get embarrassed. I don't really, like, look at things and be like, oh, of course I could have said things better. I could have done things better.

I have things in my life and positions that I would love to take back and redo. But I don't get to a point where I'm just like. I was like, it is what it is at this point. You have to just dealt with it. You just have to own it at this point.

Alex Cooper
I know you mentioned you saw a therapist and a psychiatrist prior to coming out after the event surrounding your relationship with Cassie. What were the main lessons about yourself that you learned from that experience? Oh, just to be more honest with myself of how I'm feeling and what I'm going through, I think I thought I was protecting myself by telling myself I was going to be okay or, you know, this is normal. And it's like, it's not normal to have social anxiety to the point where it cripples you or depression to where, you know, I was taking lexapro for a long time, too, and it had gnarly side effects for me, but having time to just reflect and show myself some forgiveness and some leeway instead of being so hard on myself and, you know, maybe that comes from me playing sports, too. I don't know.

Colton Underwood
There's a lot of trauma that I'm, like, unpacking in this last year where I'm like, oh, wait, that has to do with that. And that's been these big moments in my therapy sessions where my therapist is great, and he's drawn these lines and he goes, well, no duh. This. And I'm like, oh, you say that so casually, but you just blew my mind. At 29 when you.

Alex Cooper
That was the scene when you were in Nashville and your friends were throwing you, like, a coming out party. You had said that you were, like, a little uncomfortable being in a room full of gay men. Can you explain that a little bit? Well. Cause I never had to be in a room full of gay men before.

Colton Underwood
As me, I've never really had a conversation in which the other man knew I was gay and knew I was Colton Underwood. So it's, like, really my first time of being vulnerable in the space of having to be hit on or having to make a flirtatious comment and really being comfortable, and I was not. I was very uncomfortable. Now, if I go back and have that same environment, I would be. That scene would read completely different.

Trust me. And I'm still in the process of this, too, of, like, what part of me do I bring in to this new version of myself and what part do I leave in the past? Like, what was healthy and what makes me feel good and what doesn't. So still going through that you have a boyfriend. I do.

Alex Cooper
How did you two meet? We were in the same friend group, and I was not looking for a boyfriend at all because I was just like, I want to take some time, and it was more of a friendship than it was anything at the beginning. How has this relationship been different emotionally than the ones that you've had with women?

Colton Underwood
It's been healthier, for sure, if there's been no hitches. As far as, like, you know, with women, I would always look for a way out or try to find an escape plan or I was planning everything out, like, next step, this. We need to be engaged by this week. We need to be, you know, hopefully have kids by this year. And it.

That's true. Yeah. That's truly how my relationship with this one. I feel like I have, like, a best friend, and I'm just. We just compliment each other's lives, and we're just hanging.

Like, it sounds so casual, but we just hanging out. We're having a good time. There's no pressure. There's no secret. There's been moments where I've done something in front of him, and then, like, I look and you can see he's, like, frozen.

Like, oh, my God, he's gonna say something like, he's gonna break up with me. And he's like, I love that part of you. And I was like, what? He goes, american. Doesn't know that you're, like, like this.

And I was like, I know, but, like, that's the whole purpose of us having a relationship is because you get to see me like this and nobody else does yet. How. How crazy is that? When you're so. You're almost, like, rediscovering a new yourself.

I have permission to do, like, things that I've never had permission to do in my life. Like, give me an example. Well, just, like, be outwardly. I don't. I just.

I never could give any cues away. Like, yeah, that's why, like, Cassidy, I made a, you know, a comment when we were going in for the hug. I was like, now, you know all my weirdness in high school. Yeah. She's about the only one who I've really felt like I can entirely be myself around pretty much my entire life.

Yeah. Because she's always given me permission to be goofy and weird and feminine. It was never allowed in my social circles of the past. So, like, having those moments and, you know, he's. He said something to me that actually meant a lot.

He goes like, you are the perfect balance of masculine and feminine that I've ever seen. And he's like. He's like, for me, like, I never knew that you would have. You had this in you. And I was like, oh, it's it was pretty cool to hear that.

And he's been out for a long time, so it's a really good balance for me. You know? He's older, right? Yeah. And he would be like, well, like, he's defensive, very defensive and protective of me.

And he's like, well, you need to say this. And I was like, that might be true to you, but I've been out for, like, a little over a year now, and publicly, not even for, like, seven months or eight months. What? I don't even remember what month I came out publicly. I was like, I don't know that yet.

Like, you are so well articulate and so well composed, but you've also been out for 20 years, you know, so. And what is it so nice to have a partner, though, that has that experience so that you, like, it's kind of like you're on training wheels right now, and you're like, you have someone to, like, also be like that rock for you. Because he also checks me on a lot of things where he has helped also with the internalized homophobia, too, where he's like, wait, that's okay. I was like, oh, it is. Yeah.

You know, so it's a. It's a really healthy balance. How's your family? Met him. Yes.

Alex Cooper
Everyone deserves to feel fully themselves when they are in love. But first you gotta love yourself. And, like, I know that's part probably still a journey you're working on, but to know that it started for you, what would you say to anyone struggling right now with self acceptance? It doesn't even need to be sexuality. Just like, this shame and guilt feeling and having a hard time.

Like, what would you say now with your experience in this journey? Oh, gosh. My limited experience with this, but I think for me, it's giving yourself permission to explore that goes way beyond just sexuality, that just. It goes beyond with, like, really, truly sitting with what makes you feel good. Because I got into the position that I got into because I was doing things that weren't fulfilling and making me happy, and it turned me into a miserable person.

Colton Underwood
And then I projected that on other people. And that is, like, the biggest takeaway that I've had from this last year of, you know, I had a little bit, I'm not gonna lie, of a friend, purge of, like, you do not make me feel good. I do not enjoy hanging out with you, but I kept doing it for whatever reason. No, I'm not. I don't want to hang out.

And coming out, that gave me more and more confidence. So, like, giving yourself permission to say no, giving yourself permission to say yes to some things that have been scaring you, that would be my advice to anyone, is just like, having that. That's good student advice, freedom and happiness. Colton Underwood, thank you. Thank you.

Alex Cooper
Okay, real talk for a second. Daddy gang, sex is great. We know that, okay? But sex isn't always perfect. And if you have unprotected sex, you have the power to choose what's right for you in that moment.

If not getting pregnant is the goal, plan B. Emergency contraception is a great backup plan because, listen, getting wild in the bedroom can be fun, but feeling out of control afterwards, not so fun. With plan B, you can take control of your body and your future whenever you need a backup plan, it's important to remember to take plan B as directed within 72 hours after unprotected sex. And keep in mind that the sooner you take it, the better it works. With plan B, you.

You've got this. And I've got you, daddy Gang, with a special $10 coupon for your next plan B, visit planb coupon.com slash Daddy to get $10 off your next purchase. That's plan B coupon.com Daddy to get $10 off your next purchase. This episode is supported by FX's the Bear. The Emmy award winning hit series returns following Carmi, Sidney, and Richie as they do what it takes, takes to elevate the bear, their fine dining establishment, to the highest level, all while doing their best just to stay in business.

Daddy Gang, I am obsessed with this show, obviously. Jeremy Allen White, you know what I mean? Like, lead actor, lovely to look at. Also, IO is another standout lead of the show, and I just think she is so funny. She's so entertaining.

This show is one of those shows that you just want to binge. And if you haven't, get ready. Here we go. The bear is officially back. FX's the Bear all episode streaming June 27.

Only on Hulu. Okay, daddy gang, it's your father. We're alone. Let's get comfy cozy here. Let's have a, let's have a post interview conversation.

I'm sure you're all in your feels. Everyone's feeling something different right now. Let's kind of do a little debrief. So it's common knowledge that Colton couldn't discuss some of the details around the legal stuff, which was not ideal for the interview because, trust me, I wanted to ask. But this interview sheds some light on his why Colton has to live with what he did to his ex girlfriend and his pain does not justify the harassment.

This woman shouldn't have had to go through any of this. Colton was living a lie, and he chose her to complete this heteronormative storyline that he pledged his life to. He spun a web of lies to conceal his true sexuality, but to say that the homophobia in our society didn't contribute to his behavior would be wrong. Colton's taking accountability for his actions, but the people still operating on the belief that love can only exist between a man and a woman need to wake the fuck up and realize that homophobia is unacceptable and that their shitty beliefs affect more than just their shitty fucking selves. And that's big picture.

But when it comes to Colton, Daddy Gang, I guess that's for you to decide. I'll see you fuckers next Wednesday.

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