All My Friends Are Having Kids [VIDEO]

Alex Cooper
Sunday morning fat this Carlin doo doo doo doo doo doo doo doo every Sunday's f. This day. What the f? That was pretty good, right? Daddy?

Gang, welcome back to another episode of call her daddy. It is your father. We're here. We're back. We're ready.

It's a good fucking Sunday. Let me just tell you a little something, okay? I am so goddamn proud of myself. I barely did shit. But I'm like, this is a day to celebrate.

This is a win for all of of us. If it's a win for me, if it's a win for you, we all fucking celebrate, okay? Cause life is too fucking short, and it's also too fucking miserable. And I gotta just say, as a homeowner, a proud, I would say a fairly newly homeowner, I have to just be honest. I threw a kick ass fucking party, and I usually wouldn't take credit for it because Matt's usually doing all the goddamn work, and I'm just drinking in the corner, you know, shaking my tits, looking like a hot little bitch.

But today, not today. A week ago, okay, about a week ago, father showed up and showed out, okay?

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Lauren
This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Some things work so well, it's basically magic. Like my favorite highlighters that I'm like, wow, how did you all of a. Sudden make me look glowing? And you know what else really works, Dottie Gang?

Shopify. It is a global commerce platform that helps you sell. I've seen a big difference in my online merch sales. They are especially good at turning browsers into buyers. I can see someone that's been on the site but didn't check out or someone that checked out and then is revisiting the site.

Like, if you want to grow your business, daddy gang, sign up for a $1 per month trial period@shopify.com. unwellall. All lowercase. That's shopify.com unwell. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile.

Ryan Reynolds
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Alex Cooper
Here's the thing. Matt and I bought this house. I think it was like a year, almost two years ago. Wow. And it was a big step for us.

We bought a house before we got married. Controversial. Okay, okay. The people at the fucking church are like sinners you fucked and you bought a house before you got married, you little pieces of shit. Listen.

To each his own. Matt went and saw this house, and I wasn't able to go with him because I was working, because I am a literal workhorse, okay? You can't stop me from putting in that work, putting in that grind, making sure this podcast is a plus, plus. Top of the charts. Okay, sweetie, we are swinging that dick round and round for the views, and the views, and the views.

So, Matt, I remember when and viewed this house, and we had seen three houses prior to this house, we were looking in the middle of COVID because I said, listen, matt, I love Los Angeles, but really, I don't know if I do. You know, I love you. I love our dogs. I love the weather, sort of, you know, I am a little dark dungeon bitch, where like, maybe I would prefer a little winter, a little brisk, little. I would like to see the trees change.

Okay? But so I remember, I was like, Matt, we live in West Hollywood. I need to get a little out of here. I need a little bit more space. I want to feel like I'm in Pennsylvania.

Who would have ever fucking thought that, right? The girl that was like, get me out of this cage. Get me out of Pa. Okay? Pennsylvania.

And Alex Cooper. I now look back and I'm like, thank God I was raised there, right? Because if I was raised in Los Angeles, California, I probably wouldn't have made it because I would have been 14 years old, fucking putting the titties up online and going to casting calls. But thankfully, my mother was like, no, no, no, no. You can do that when you're in your twenties.

And so thankfully, I was home, you know, on the cornfield. I was fucking shucking the corn. I was. I was eating my meat and potatoes in goddamn Pennsylvania. And what am I?

Oh, the point was, is I started to miss Pennsylvania. Because the problem is, is like, when you're in Los Angeles, it's very different from New York. City. I thrived in New York City, as it is well documented. But when I got to Los Angeles, I'm like, there's such potential for grass and nature and all the good things.

I want more of that because this isn't a. This isn't. Okay. Can I be honest? This isn't, like, the best city.

You know? Like, sorry. Oh, my God, come for me. But, like, New York City, nothing compares, right? And so if I'm not gonna be in a full, full city, like, let's just go motherfucking country, baby.

So Matt and I started looking for a house that was a little less in the quote unquote city of Los Angeles. And I will never forget. I'm sitting in my edit booth, and I'm editing an episode of Coleridadi. And Matt calls me, and he facetimes me, and he's like, babe, I fucking found our house. And I'm only standing in the driveway.

And I'm like, oh, my God. Like. And Matt is so particular about things, like, he would never fucking say that. And a huge point of why he knew this was the house for us. Is it?

If I ever. If I ever say the word forever home, literally shoot me in the fucking head. I wasn't about to say that. I do want to say. I was about to say, like, what is a saying for, like, you know, you can fucking and put your roots and your roots and you can, like, you can settle down here.

Like, maybe if I pop out a kid one day, it's gonna be in this house. You know what I mean? And so that's what I was saying. I wasn't saying forever home, you fucking cunts. Okay?

That's you being cringe on the Internet. I don't own that behavior. Okay? But anyways, so Matt and I found our forever home, and we just knew this house was going to be somewhere that, like, all of our family would come and congregate for holidays and birthdays and big moments. And so Memorial Day comes along, and Matt and I look at each other over a cold glass of wine.

No, we're cracking open a beer. It's about to be summer. And Matt and I are like, what are we doing for this long weekend? And Matt's like, why don't we throw a party? And let's not tell everyone a week in advance.

Let's kind of tell them midweek so that, like, we don't have too many people that come, but let's have our friends and family over, and let's throw a good ass motherfucking party. And I'm like, you know what? I love that. Because here's the thing. I need enough time in a weekend to relax so I can get ready for the week ahead.

And usually that means that, like, Matt and I will go out on a Friday night or a Saturday night, but I can't do both. And also, Sunday is completely for Lang. Like, I need to rot. I need to lay. I need to sink into the mattress.

I need bed sores. I need to be Willy Wonka's parents plus ten. And I just need that. And Matt doesn't understand it, so he's always going golfing on a Sunday. And I'm like, goodbye.

Good day. I will be marinating, watching Grey's anatomy, watching parenthood. I will be on episode 95 by the time you come back. And that is what a Sunday is for. Okay?

But because it was a long weekend, I was like, he's like, are you sure, babe? Like, I don't. I know you've been super stressed. There's a lot of work stuff coming up, and summer's coming up, so you're trying to get ahead. And I said, matt, put me in.

Let's go. Let's throw a party. Now when we're about to throw a party, there's a lot of things that go into it. So because it was about to be the first kind of party of summer, Matt and I have, like, not gotten our house completely in order for summer. So Matt has people outside power washing the motherfucking house.

I'm, like, trying to record an episode the other day and there is just shooters coming at me through the fucking windows. I'm like, boys, the door isn't boys, the door isn't fucking closed. The house is flooding every fucking minute of the day. Matt has people at this house. Everyone is gardening, fixing.

I look out, Matt's out there with his big boots and his gloves on, and I'm like, I'm not going to partake in that kind of stuff, but let me know what alcohol we need. Okay? So Matt's getting our house ready for summer and for this party, which is fun, and we're bringing out our lawn chairs and all the stuff, which is. I mean, as much as I fucking hate summer because I don't like the weather, it's fun to, like, think about. But then when you're living it, like, is it even that fucking funny?

And I'm, like, sweating and I'm just like, okay, whatever. But does anyone relate? Like, I'm a winter girl through and through. I'm ice to the brim, ice to the cold, ice to the heart. And Matt is like, I just want summer.

He's like, I'm a lizard. I can be in Palm Springs when it's 110 degrees and I won't even break a sweat. Me, I have a spray tan on twenty four seven. And I can't be living that kind of life. You know what I mean?

I can't even wear white because my entire dress will turn orange in, like, five minutes. So I need a little bit of an opportunity to just, like, have shade or get those Amazon things that are just, like, fans that I stick in my purse, which I did buy ten of those very helpful girls. Just get them for summer. So you're not schwitzing. Now, the problem is, is that Matt and I first said to each other, okay, I think 15 people will come to this party.

And for me, 15 people is a lot. Because, again, when I was living in New York City, you could barely fit ten people in an apartment, you know? So ten on my barometer is like, ooh, we're pushing it. Like, ooh, max to the limit. You're like, damn, we're fucking at capacity.

48 ish hours before the party, we find out we're kind of hitting that, like, 25, 30 mark. And I'm like, oh, damn, Maddie. Like, we're gonna have to up the burgers, up the hot dogs. Maybe I should go get some sandwiches, too. Like, we gotta beef this shit up.

And then all of a sudden, 24 hours before Matt sits me down and was like, babe, by the way, we're really gonna be throwing a big party. And I'm like, I know. It's. So he goes, no, I just got confirmation that blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and blah are coming to the party. So we're pushing, like, 50 now.

Now, there's a couple things that come to mind when you say that there are 50 people coming to my house. Number one, harder to escape, because I feel like when people are at your house at that capacity, like, people are wandering upstairs, you know, oh, that bathroom was taken. And that bathroom was taken. And the aperol Spritz is gonna make me fucking shit my pants. So I was wandering upstairs, and then people are in your bathroom.

You know what I mean? And a lot of times during a party, if I'm hosting, I have this rule with myself, okay? Where it's like, I'm extroverted to a point. To a point. And so I'm gonna need to.

I'm gonna need to reel it in a couple times. And that is the best part of hosting. There's a lot of negatives about hosting, but let me say my favorites. Number one, getting to escape in your home. If I am at fucking Marty Smith's house and I gotta shit my pants, I can't do that.

So I'm holding it in. And then for the next four days, Matt's not getting fucked because I'm backed up, backlogged, and my stomach hurts for four fucking days after. Also, the best part of hosting is I am so fucking weather confused. Okay, girls, I will wake up, and I'll walk outside, and then I'll say, matt. And he goes, what?

I'm like, what am I wearing today? Matt is weather boy, okay? He'll be like, I think you're gonna do jeans and a sweater. And every fucking time when I'm preparing to leave my home, I need literal options. I will put jeans on.

I will put boots on. I will put an extra pair of flip flops in my car. I will put a tank top on, plus a sweater on top, and always have an extra jacket in my car. Because when people are hot, I happen to be cold. And when people are cold, I happen to be hot.

I am fucked up. Don't get in. My DM's being like, well, Alex, you should really check your thyroid, and you should check. Just don't worry about me, okay? If we're going down, we're going down.

It was fun while it lasted. Okay, let's not make this a health thing. Let's just make this a surface level thing. Today, I wasn't planning on wearing these sunglasses the whole episode. Oh, yeah.

If you're not watching this, I have these sickening glasses on that some of you may make fun of me for, but let me just tell you, don't even bother coming in the comments being like, alex, where are those sunglasses from? You want to know where from? Korea. Korea. My husband flew all the way to Korea to get me these black, pink sunglasses that you can't get.

I'm just kidding. He was there making a show, but he also was like, I went shopping, babe. And like, everyone said, these are the coolest glasses. And I actually personally think they're pretty fucking weird. But I feel like you like weird glasses, so here you go, Alex.

Boom, there we go. Okay, now they're actually, like, kind of hurting my head because I have these, because I have these headphones on. So anyways, people start to come to our party, and I am trying my hardest to be domesticated, which I feel like at this point, if any of you know me, if you're, you've listened to this podcast for, I don't know, two minutes, you can probably guess that, like, there's a lot of things where Matt and I may fit into that, like, classic hetero relationship where, like, matt's the man and I'm the woman. But I would say a lot of the things, it's like, roles reversed, right? Matt is, like, the best housewife, and I'm not emasculating him.

I think it's, like, one of the best things about him because I don't do shit. And to be fair, that is the dynamic with my mom and my dad. You know, we love to repeat. You know, we love to repeat history. You know, we watch what we saw when we grew up, and then we just fucking recreate it.

And so Matt is taking care of everything, and he's going and getting all of the food. He's picking everything up because some stuff was. You had to pre order it because it was a big fucking serving of the salads and the everything. And I'm home, and this is where I was like, damn, a college education. Like, this is what I needed to fucking learn.

Like, I didn't need to fucking learn about social studies. I don't even know what need to know about fucking algebra. I needed to know how to host a motherfucking party, okay? I am so fucking dumb. I'm staring at all of the things that Matt went and bought, all the decorations and all the things, and I can't figure out, like, do I use tape?

Do I use a fucking, like, do I use a clothespin? Do I use, like, I don't know. And I'm literally blindly wandering around my house. And then Matt's mother shows up, and she's like, sweetie, people are showing up in an hour. Like, why are all the decorations on the ground?

And I'm like, Lisa, I am literally fucked. Please help me. So Matt's mom starts helping, then fucking, of course, Matt comes home. He's like, babe, it looks so amazing. Meanwhile, I'm like, your mother did it.

Okay? I've just been trying to fucking figure out the utensils and the silverware, to which I will say, I was so embarrassed, you guys. Matt finally was like, put, put. He put baby in the corner, and he was like, stand over there and just unwrap the utensils and the paper plates and just put them outside in an organized fashion. I'm a lot of things.

I'm gorgeous. Although I'm not gorgeous right now, you guys, I'm having, honestly, a little bit of a panic attack, okay? So I went to a different person for my Botox this time in my forehead, and my right eyebrow usually dips a little bit lower. And the thing is, is I understand everyone's like, oh, they're supposed to be sisters, not twins. I want twins.

But my right eyebrow usually dips lower. So I asked this woman, like, hey, by the way, like, do you think we could pump up the party a little bit on the right? And she was like, just so you know, like, it's risky. And I'm like, yeah, but I just want to give it a. Take a risk, take a chance, and I fucking regret it, okay?

Because my right eyebrow is now a little too high. So if you are observing this and you're seeing me look fucking busted, shut the fuck up, okay? It's the botox's fault. This is not natural. None of this is natural, okay?

This is the Botox fucking my shit up. And without the botox, maybe I would be even uglier. But regardless, I just. I need to take a breath. Let me have a sip of my coffee.

Wait, you guys, I saw someone on TikTok do this, and I never do this. I put cinnamon in my coffee this morning. Ya bitch is feeling like she's on some cocaine.

Am I allowed to say that? Don't do cocaine.

We don't do drugs here. And call her daddy. Okay. Natural endorphins, sweetie.

Lauren
This episode is brought to you by Shopify. Some things work so well. It's basically magic. Like my favorite highlighters that I'm like, wow, how did you all of a. Sudden make me look glowing?

And you know what else really works, dotty gang? Shopify. It is a global commerce platform that helps you sell. I've seen a big difference in my online merch sales. They are especially good at turning browsers into buyers.

I can see someone that's been on the site but didn't check out or someone that checked out and then is revisiting the site. Like, if you want to grow your business daddy gang, sign up for a $1 per month trial period@shopify.com. slash unwell. All lowercase. That's shopify.com unwell.

Ryan Reynolds
Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. With the price of just about everything going up during inflation, we thought we'd bring our prices down. So to help us, we brought in a reverse auctioneer, which is apparently a thing. Mint mobile, unlimited premium wireless. Everybody get 30.

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Alex Cooper
Anyways, so the party starts, you guys, and everyone starts coming. And I'm having so much fun and I'm feeling good. I love my outfit. And, you know, fuck the whole setup process. We figured it out.

Matt kind of took it over. And here's the thing. Back in the day, Lauren and I, during COVID would drink these margaritas that this one mexican restaurant makes so you can get them for takeout. And they are so sneaky good. It kind of reminds me almost of, like, the, um.

Like, jungle juice from your, you know, when you were in college or high school and people would make jungle juice. But did jungle juice taste good? I feel like jungle juice was disgusting. And I feel like jungle juice was just, like, full roofies. But you know what I mean?

Like, the jungle juice is just this big schlosh of something and you don't really know what's in it. The good thing about these margaritas is they taste amazing but you don't really know how much alcohol is in them. So we start drinking these margaritas and everyone's like, oh, my God. Like, is there even alcohol in these? These tastes amazing.

The entire party gets so fucking shit faced off of these margaritas, you guys. And it was so fun. We are all hanging out. We're having the best time. And then one thing leads to another, and I look at Matt and I'm like, this may be the best party that we have thrown.

I walk someone out because they're leaving when I hug and kiss them goodbye. And I walk back upstairs and I'm approaching and something feels off, you know? The vibes just shifted from the greatest party ever to. Huh, something's wrong. What am I missing here?

The vibes were not immaculate. The vibes were stiff. Everyone was stiff. So I approach the backyard and I look at the pool. And there had been many kids in the pool, but now there is an adult in the pool with scuba goggles on and he's holding one of my dog's poop bags and his wife is standing on the corner of the pool with another poop bag, leaning down.

And everyone is kind of just staring in silence. And I go to Matt's grandmother, who is 100 years old, and I say, grandmammy, what's happening? And she goes, oh, sweetie. Someone took a shit in the pool.

Now, to be fair, I mean, it's a great story, you know, but the logistics, you're like, oh, someone took a shit in the pool. One of the children took a little dooksie wooxie in the pool, but wasn't just a little, like, just not like a little, like, shark. Like a little, ooh, like something. Lots of lots. I'm sorry, I don't want to gross anyone out, but just like many of some, many of many of us something.

And so the father of said child feels so bad, okay, that he is scuba diving to the bottom of the pool to pick up said shit, and the kids are still swimming in the fucking pool. And I literally grab my margarita, douse it down my throat, run over to them, and I'm like, get out of the fucking pool, you guys. It is fine. Please do not worry about this. We will have someone come clean the pool.

Everybody get the fuck out of the pool. And I love them. They are literally, like, our best friends. They're like, no. Alex and Matt, like, we are fucking mortified.

I'm like, I'm mortified that you're swimming in shit. I'm mortified that you're scuba diving under my fucking pool trying to find a kid's drop links. Like, get out of the motherfucking pool. So they ended up getting out of the pool. And it was just one of those moments where I was joking.

I'm like, I have such baby fever. But this is something I was thinking about that is kind of weird. And I want to talk about it with you guys because I don't know if anyone is at this point in their life. Almost all of my friends in Los Angeles have children or are pregnant. I have a friend that's pregnant.

And all of my other friends that were at this party have, whether it's infants, newborns, or full on kids. And then aside from my LA friends, all of my hometown friends, and my friends that don't really live in Los Angeles, none of them have kids. And so I have basically these two friend groups that are at such different places in their life. And I will say, it's so beautiful to have both of that because I can empathize, like, as women, I think we get to a point, which I'm starting to feel it, and I hadn't really felt it until recently, where I'm, like, looking around and when all of my friends in LA are in one place, I'm like, oh, my God. I'm basically the only person without kids.

And then when I'm with my other friends. It's, like, crazy that we even are all talking about having kids, you know? And so I'm grateful that I have these two different dynamics of friend groups that I can feel excited on one hand and then nervous on the other hand. Like, I feel like I'm the one behind in my La group, but then I feel like maybe I'm, like, the most ahead in my non la group because I'm the one that's, like, even thinking about it. And I'm, like, the one that, like, I was, like, the first one to get married in my friend group.

And so there's just. There's this weird thing happening right now where it's really, really exciting, but it's also really terrifying. And I want everyone that's listening that is, you know, at this kind of state in their life where, like, I'm sure there are some people listening that are, like, all my friends are talking about is going out and partying, whatever, and, like, I kind of don't want to do that anymore, and I want to settle down and. But I don't want to be the lame friend that, like, doesn't party anymore. And then you may be on the other side of it where you're like, oh, my God.

Like, all of my friends have just, like, started these families, and everything is about the kids and, like, what about girl time? And what about still prioritizing, like, our individuality and ourselves? And, like, where did that go? And I feel like. I know this is a complete bad example, but it's almost.

It could be equated in a way less intense version to, like, if you're dating someone in high school and they're a year older than you and they go to college and you're still in high school, you feel so disconnected and you feel like, oh, you're just like a kid and your boyfriend in college or your friends in college now don't have time for you. Cause you're just the high school kid. And I feel like that is how maybe some people feel when, like, their friends start having kids and families. It's like you're getting left behind and you don't. You're not in on the joke and you're not in on the things.

And I'm just happy I'm experiencing all this right now because it's making me reflect a lot on, like, whenever I decide one day to have a family of, like, making sure my friends, whether they're single or in relationships or if they don't have kids or if they have kids, like, you have to be so intentional about your relationships and making sure that people around you, even though your life is changing, like, you still have to foster those relationships. As your life changes, then that means your friendships are going to change a little bit. And that's okay. But I think we have to acknowledge that. Like, I think a lot of times people just have kids or do this, or people watch their friends have kids and think they're gonna be the same, and it's like, of course not.

Your relationship is gonna change. And does that suck? It doesn't have to.

You guys. I started posting on TikTok, just food reviews. One, because I love food and I'm. I feel like my foodie tastes are all over the place, which I think could make for a good foodie influencer. Hi, coming to you live.

I am a food influencer now. Goodbye, caller daddy, hello. Whatever the fuck. Come up with my food show name. To be fair, though, I found this one sandwich shop that.

Listen, here's the problem with also the parties. Like, Matt's entire family is from LA. Matt is from LA. So everyone is always like, oh, do you know this one street? Do you know this one shop?

And I'm like, guys, again, I'm from Pennsylvania, okay? I still have to use maps sometimes if I take, like, a wrong road to get to my office. And Matt's like, how do you not? That's also not. To be fair.

I don't understand direct. I'm very. I'm very directionally challenged. Like, this won't make sense to anyone. But anyone that lives in the northeast region or is in Pennsylvania, okay, to my OG Pennsylvanians.

Okay, listen, I will never forget I got my license. I'm 17 at this point. And I'm like, okay, well, 16. I got it at 16, right? That's when you get it.

Okay, whatever. I was fucking 16 or 17. So I'm young and I'm in love, and I want to go to the mall and pick out an outfit for something at school that week. I think it was like a dance or whatever. And I'm like, mom, I'm gonna drive to the mall by myself.

I don't have my permit anymore. I have my license. I'm allowed to go by myself. And my mom was like, okay, okay, okay, you can go, you can go. Just.

Do you know how to get there? And I'm like, mom, I have literally been alive for 17 years. Like, of course I know how to get to the Oxford Valley mall. Like, of course I know how to fucking get there. You've brought me there almost every single other weekend.

Like, come on. And she's like, okay, okay. Like, I just feel like sometimes you don't really understand, like, you know, I 95 verse, like the turnpike, and, like, sometimes you get it all mixed around. And I'm like, it's fine. It's fine.

So I get in my car, and to give you context, to go from my house to the Oxford Valley mall, which was, like, my local mall, okay? We've got a lot of options in Pennsylvania. I don't want to flex, but we do have the king of Prussia mall, which is, like, an hour away. But that was the mall that was like, if you want to go get a dress, you want to go get a dress for your school dance that will knock the socks off of Jimmy and Corleone and Shawn, you're gonna go to king of Prussia, and you're gonna get yourself a bandage dress from BCBG. Okay?

But the Oxford Valley mall, you know, they had Hollister, they had Abercrombie. Like, we were working, okay, with, like, fine things. So that was, like, my go to mall. So I'm going to the Oxford Valley mall, which usually should take me about 1212 minutes to get there. I'm blaring Taylor Swift hair is out the fucking window.

I am literally feeling like I am entering a new era of my life. I am feeling so confident. I feel like I own this bitch, okay? I'm in my little mazda. That was my dad's car.

I didn't have a car of my own, okay? Fuck you. To my siblings. They each shared a car. I never got a car, okay?

So I'm whipping. I'm whipping. I'm whipping in the Mazda.

And then I'm, like, looking at the signs, and it's saying things about New Jersey. And to give context, the Oxford Valley mall is in Pennsylvania, and I've been apparently on the new Jersey turnpike for about 20 minutes. So I call up my mom, and I'm like, mommy, I'm scared. And my mom's like, what signs are you seeing, Alex? Like, it's impossible to get lost.

You just had to get on the fucking highway and just go three exits down. And I'm like, um, mom. It says, mom, I'm seeing signs for New York City. She's like, alex, turn around. You're not in the right location.

What the fuck are you doing? I'm like, how do I get off? She's like, put it in your gps. But at the time, I didn't have gps. It was the actual, like, gps thing that's, like, lodged onto your air conditioner unit.

There was no fucking iPhone. Slinging it right and left. Like, this is like Mapquest. I don't have a map quest, first of all, because I thought I knew how to get to the motherfucking mall. And second of all, this gps is like, my dad's gps is.

It's, like, ancient, ancient, ancient, ancient. So I would have to swerve over. So I'm on the phone with my mom. Then, of course, you know how they're on the landline also just to shout out to my parents. You know how in movies, like the landline, do people even know what a fucking landline is anymore?

Okay, I do have millennials on this fucking place, okay? So a landline is the phone that stuck into the wall, you little fucking shits, okay? Be so grateful if you grew up and you only had iPhones. So the landline and ours had the longest cord. The longest cord.

You could do a full lap around my first floor, and you could still fucking make a little wiggle room in there, okay? So my mom's like, Brian. My dad's like, what? She's like, she's lost. She's on her way to fucking New York City.

He's like, where the fuck was she supposed to be going? The Oxford Valley mall. She's an idiot. What the hell, Alex? Talk to me.

What do you see? I'm like, I see signs for the Bronx and New York City also, to be fair, how did I get this far? It's only because I was jamming. I'm like, it's love story, baby. Just say no.

New York City. What the fuck? So anyway, so my dad's on the phone. He's talking to me. He's talking to me again.

No facetime, nothing back then, okay? It was the ancient times. It was the ancient eras. Dusty, crusty. So my parents are literally just trying to be like, read me the next sign.

Get off that exit. Go here, go here. So I'm kind of having a mental breakdown. And then finally, I don't even go to the Oxford Valley mall because it takes me 45 minutes to get home. And I'm honestly just, like, shocked.

And so the next time that I go to the ox Valley mall, my fucking parents made themselves drive with me, and he mapquested me and they printed out all these little things. Like, this is how you get to the local grocery store, you dumb bitch. I'm like, I know how to get to fucking McCaffrey's and Gennardi's, please. You know who I did know who to go to? I knew how to get to my first boyfriend's house.

And that thing was a windy, windy road, but I knew how to get there when you got to get that pee licked. You know how to get downtown. Anyways, how did I get here? Oh, driving. Driving the driver's license.

I got my driver's license last week. It's what we always talked about. Oh, my God. Watch that. Be so good that I literally get copywritten the car.

The car to the mat la. Okay, so I don't know anything. I barely. Okay, the point is, is I don't know LA and I don't know the streets. Whatever.

But when I figured out the sandwich shop for our party, I was. I was nervous because Matt was like, oh, like, I've never heard of that place. Is it new? And I'm like, I don't know. It's just like this good sandwich shop that I found on postmates.

Like, let me live. It's really good. And then he tried it, and he was like, wait, that was like an amazing sandwich. Oh, my God. And so then I decided, I'm gonna get the sandwiches for the party.

And I got so many sandwiches. I probably ordered a little too many, but that's okay. And Matt was like, you got so many sandwiches. I'm like, I feel like, you know, if people don't want to eat it, it's fine. Like, we can have it for leftovers.

And I put out three platters worth of sandwiches. There were, I think I ordered, like 35 sandwiches. But then when you cut them in half, it was like 60 something, so everyone could have a half. And they were big halves. And I would say like an hour into the party, I have multiple people come up to me and they're like, by the way, Matt told us that you picked the sandwich shop, and it is phenomenal.

All of them are gone. Matt's like, babe, all of the sandwiches are gone. No one's even eating some of the hot dogs and hamburgers because everyone is eating the fucking sandwiches. And then I have Matt's uncle, who is like, la native. Like, knows everywhere is in the restaurant business.

And it's like, alex, where are these sandwiches from? They're so fucking good. These put X, Y, Z. One of their favorite places to the test. I'm sorry.

I never do this, you guys. I'm editing this episode. I just have to quickly interject. I'm acting like I made these fucking sandwiches. I'm literally like, can you believe that everyone at the party ate my sandwiches, but you literally paid for them.

Like. Like, I'm the pride. I'm taking in the fact that, like, someone just, like, likes my food selection, the desperation to, like, find one thing in the hosting game that I, like, conquered. You picked up some good fucking sandwiches, Alex. Let it fucking go.

Anyway, sorry, back to the story. I just felt like, listen, it's hard being around all these La people that, like, know the ins and outs, and I just felt like, welcome to my fucking. If I know one thing, if I know one thing in this. Well, two things. If I know two things in this life, it's number one, how to podcast, and number two, it is motherfucking how to find good food in areas that I'm not from.

But I will suss out the best fucking sandwich. I will suss out the best motherfucking frozen yogurt. I will get the best goddamn cheesesteaks. I will get the best goddamn burgers. I will get it all.

And you can maybe tell me what's the best salad in LA? I don't give a fuck, Matt, okay? Because I'm not eating a salad. I'm going for the good stuff. I'm going for the grease.

I'm going for the shit that will make me actually fucking happier. So, anyways, yeah, it was actually like a really big, successful weekend, and, yeah, kind of a. Kind of fabulous time. All right, daddy gang, that is it for this week's episode. You know, just.

Just stay humble, stay brave, stay strong, and. And stay with it. I hope you guys have a lovely, lovely upcoming week. Listen, I know tomorrow is Monday. Don't even have the scaries.

Just go into it with a positive attitude and just fucking black out, honestly. And just, you know, just cruise through the week. Because, you know, what I can say is my favorite thing about caller daddy being on Wednesdays is it breaks up the week. Okay? You have something to look forward to.

And I love you guys. And you guys know the motherfucking drill. I will see you fuckers this Wednesday. Goodbye.

All My Friends Are Having Kids [VIDEO]

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1: Party Preparations

2: Reflections on Friendships

3: Navigating Social Changes

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