Love Is Not Enough with couples therapist Shawn McBride

Simon Sinek

They say that love is the glue that keeps a relationship together. But turns out it takes a lot more than love to keep two people attached. Stay tuned.

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Simon Sinek

Relationships. Any kind of relationship is hard. No matter how much we like someone, respect someone, or love someone, it seems that disagreements and fighting are inevitable. And when conflict gets to a breaking point, many of us feel the urge to simply throw in the towel. That's where Shawn McBride comes in.

Shawn is a couples therapist, and he runs a practice called the Couples Counseling center. I actually found him on Instagram and have become a huge fan of his videos. He's helped thousands of couples learn the skills to do the work that makes relationships succeed. And he's got tons of practical advice. Even if you're not in a romantic relationship, I think you'll learn a lot from what Shawn has to say, because in all of our relationships, be they friends, family, or our colleagues, we could always do a little more.

This is a bit of optimism. I am so glad that you joined me today. I found you on Instagram. Yes, sir. You know, and you were.

I mean, there's no better way to put it. You were preaching. I'm a former pastor. Well, it definitely shows up. You were preaching the most brilliant metaphor to explain why some couples cannot communicate well.

And your metaphor was that somebody is drowning? Yes. And you're throwing facts at them. Yes. Imagine your partner is drowning in a swimming pool and you start spitting facts where you knew that it was no lifeguard on duty.

Shawn McBride

Fact. You knew you couldn't swim. Didn't you see the sign on the gate that said, no swimming after five? It's 07:00 fact. But they drowning.

And sometimes in conflict, we are focusing on facts. Rather than my partners drowning in anger, my partner's drowning in sadness. We have to do something about that. I'm drowning. Well, there's a sign that says, no swimming.

No swimming. I'm not drowning. It says no lifeguard. Yeah. And the amount of times that we are in relationships where somebody says, I'm in pain, I'm hurt.

Simon Sinek

I'm sad. And we throw facts at them. That's it. And it doesn't work. And the way you captured this dynamic made so much sense.

Your ability, and I've watched many of your videos since. I'm a count me as a huge fan. Your ability to capture the discomfort and speed bumps of a relationship in a way that the rest of us can understand, in my opinion, is better than anyone I've ever heard. Wow. I'm honored.

Shawn McBride

The checks in the mail. What's the address? The checks in the mail. Thank you. Thank you, Simon.

Simon Sinek

So let's take a step back, right? Yes. You're not like the average counselor. No, sir. Where?

No, sir. Let's be honest. The average counselor will be like, so, what do you think? Would you like to respond to what your partner just said? You are unabashedly opinionated.

That's it. Let's get to it. Let's get to it. Let's face this right now. Obviously, couples come to you because things aren't working.

Simon Sinek

I have a few questions. What are the more common things that people come to you for that are? It's just recurring. I give you one, two, and three. Sean, how do we communicate better?

Shawn McBride

Number two, Shawn. How do we resolve conflict? Number three, Sean, how do we recover from infidelity, from cheating? Those are the top three issues that I deal with every single week in my private counseling office, whether in person or virtually online. Okay, so let's.

Simon Sinek

Let's unpackage it. Are there some basic steps on how we can learn to communicate better? So, number one, it starts with listening. Okay. I often tell people our creator gave us two ears in one mouth for a reason.

Right? Why do we have two ears and one mouth? Because we should listen more than we speak. So, effective communication starts with listening, but it doesn't stop with listening. Once you listen with your ears, you have to be sure that you're hearing what your partner's communicating.

Shawn McBride

My wife and I have raised five children. They're all adults now. And when they were little, we used to say, hey, clean your room. Hey, son, go clean your room. Hey, daughter, clean your room.

They listened because they have ears. But when you go check the room, you see that it's not clean. That means that you didn't hear me. Okay? You listened with your ears, but you didn't hear me.

So part of effective communication is being sure that you're not just listening to your partner, but do you hear what they're saying? Hearing leads to understanding, and understanding leads to resolving the conflict. But most people, especially men. Yes. Think they are great listeners.

Simon Sinek

Right. Because they heard the words spoken. They are pretty sure they heard. Yes. They can recite back what they heard.

Yes. So where are people failing to listen? Like, what is the gap there? Yeah. So here's the gap.

Shawn McBride

Simon, great question. Typically, when a couple's trying to communicate and resolve something, number one, there is minimization. One or the other will minimize how a person feels or what that person is saying. Oh, well, it's not that big of a deal. Or, how could you be upset about that?

Or that really doesn't make sense. So they minimize their partner's feelings. And feelings are important. Emotions are very important. And so you can't just minimize what a person says or how a person feels.

The second thing that happens is there's a lot of dismissing that's going on when you're talking to me, and I dismiss it as, oh, you're just being overly sensitive, or, oh, you just had a bad day. No, what I feel is what I feel. My feelings matter. So if there's minimization, if there's dismissiveness, and here's the big one in conversation, sometimes your partner's not being validated. Their feelings are not being validated.

Validation is very simple. You're making valid what feeling your partner has. If they're angry, you're validating that anger. If they're sad, you're validating the sadness. Validation is not agreement.

It doesn't mean, okay, I agree with everything you're saying, but I can make valid in this moment how you feel, your anger, your sadness, your fear, your shame, whatever you're feeling. So, dismissiveness, minimizing your partner and not validating your partner leads to more chaos and confusion. Oh, I'm feeling guilty as you're saying it. I'm literally thinking of conversations I've had where my partner has told me their feelings, and I'm proud. I wasn't dismissive.

Simon Sinek

I absolutely validated. And unfortunately, I did not pass the first test where I absolutely have said, that's so not a big deal to you. It's not a big deal, but that's like saying to your partner who's drowning in the pool. Yeah, it's no big deal. People drown all the time.

Shawn McBride

You know, people fall in the pool all the time as they're drowning. Right? Right. Yeah. Okay.

Simon Sinek

All right, let's go to number two. Conflict. There's typically four responses to conflict in a relationship. Fight, flight, freeze form. So, in conflict, someone is the fighter.

Shawn McBride

They're going to scream, they're going to yell, they're going to argue, they're going to fuss, they're going to cuss, because they want to solve the conflict. So we call that a fighter. Then there's a flighter, someone that flees. Conflict arises, they flee, they run. There's a song on the radio, I forget the musician, but it says, she's a runner, she's a track star.

She's going to run away when it gets hard, right? So you got your fighter, you got the flighter, then you have the freezer. This person completely shuts down. And the shutdown may be for an hour, it may be for a day, it may be for multiple days. So they completely freeze, and it takes them a while to Unthaw.

And then there's the fourth person. That's a fawn. A fawn is typically a people pleaser. They go along to get along. Typically, people who fawn have some kind of abuse in their childhood.

And so to not get beat, to not get whipped, to not get cussed out, they just fawn. And so we bring some and that baggage into relationships. So we never learn how to deal with fight, flight, freeze, fawn, and we bring it into relationship. And now you got two people that don't have any skills in communication, in resolving conflict. Two people that don't have any tools, okay?

They get married, they start dating, they get engaged, and they just don't know what to do to resolve the conflict. And that's where I come in. I've experienced all of those, and I've been at least a couple of them. Now walk me through when, in the heat of an argument, where anger and irrational thoughts are running through me, how do I assess and what skills do I call upon to at least take the first step for resolution? So I use this little analogy called smart love.

Smart in resolving conflict, in having better communication. The s in smart love stands for self awareness. It is up to you, it is up to me. It is up to your partner. You have to be self aware of what you are feeling.

You have to be self aware of your emotions in this moment. Am I angry in this moment, as am I sad? People go into conflict, and people try to communicate, and they are clueless into what they are really feeling. And I find this with a lot of men that men, a lot of times, can't describe and can't break down. A guy will come to me for counsel.

Hey, man, what are you feeling? I don't know. I just feel, you know, describe it. Like, break it down. I just.

I just feel something. And so I have to help, particularly men, work through feelings of anger, feelings of sadness, or disappointment. And there are many ways you can describe these feelings or feelings of shame or feelings of fear, right? So you have to have, first of all, a self awareness. What am I feeling in this moment?

If you don't know what you're feeling in this moment, it's going to be hard to communicate to your partner. Remember, we're trying to get understanding the m in smart love, Simon is managing whatever that emotion is. So if I'm angry, I got to manage that. That is not the responsibility of my wife or my partner. If I'm sad, I got to own that.

I have to manage that and not blame my partner for my sadness. If I'm afraid, that belongs to me, that fear is mine. I got to be able to manage that. And I think if people can get just those first two, let me be self aware of what I'm feeling, and then let me manage that. Typically, we can cool things down a little bit in the midst of that conflict.

Simon Sinek

So I'm allowed to be angry, but I'm not allowed to yell and lash out? Absolutely not. That's managing anger. Right? That's managing anger because.

Shawn McBride

And I. Even in my own marriage, my wife was verbally abused up to the age of 17. We've been married, Tom, in 30 years. And so early on in my marriage, I was making the big mistake of yelling and raising my voice and saying this and saying that, and my wife couldn't handle that. Now, I learned that behavior from my own mother, because as a little boy in my home, I watched how my mother handled conflict.

My mother was a yeller. My mother was a screamer. So she was the fighter, and my mother was also the flighter. So she would fight and then she would run. My father was the freezer and the foreigner.

And so we all learned how to communicate somewhere, for better or for worse. And typically, it's in our childhood. Okay? So we got the. We have the.

Simon Sinek

We have the self awareness. We have the management. What are the art? So you got to acknowledge your partner's feelings. Awareness of what your partner is feeling.

Shawn McBride

That's the a. I often talk about connecting before correcting. Okay. Connect with your partner on an emotional level before you try to correct your partner on a rational level. Having an awareness.

What is my partner feeling? Yeah. And then the R is reading your partner's emotions with sympathy and empathy, which is two totally different things. So, back to the pool analogy. Sympathy says, when I read my partner's emotions with sympathy.

What that says is, I care. You're in a pool, you're drowning. Sympathy, you know what? I care. Here's a life vest.

Here's a life preserver. But, Simon, empathy goes to a deeper level, because empathy doesn't just say, like, sympathy, I care. Empathy says, I feel what you feel, and I'm going to prove it by diving in the pool. I'm going to risk my own safety so that I can understand you at a level that I can connect with you. And you can't do that standing on the edge.

You can't do that unless you get in the pool with the person. What does that look like? Practically in the middle of a conflict, to be able to jump in the pool with somebody. Oh, yeah. To be able to validate that anger and say, boy, if I were in your shoes, now that I understand your anger, I would feel the same way.

Oh, my goodness. You're disappointed. You're down. Oh, my. Let me empathize with you.

If the tables were turned, that's it, Simon, I would feel the same way. That's it. So you're not gaslighting. They're making them feel crazy for feeling like they're drowning. You're saying if I were in your shoes, I would feel like I was drowning, too?

Absolutely. Because, Simon, think about it. If you dive in the pool now, you can see things from their vantage point. You can't see that on the edge, spitting facts. Although the facts are true, you can't really understand it until you get into the pool and surround yourself with all the fear and the water in your lungs and all of that.

Simon Sinek

So good. And t together, we journey in the land of emotions. Together, we journey in the land of emotions. We make a big deal about emotions. We make a big deal about understanding emotions.

Shawn McBride

We celebrate emotions. See, Simon, intimacy is not just sex. Intimacy, where I come from, is into me. I see. And the way that you can really see into a person is when you understand their emotions.

Simon, we've made emotions to be this bad thing that as a little boy growing up, I was told, stop being angry or stop crying or, you know, so I was taught to suppress my emotions. But as I became a grown man and I started to still suppress things, like, this is not working. So through counseling and therapy, I had to realize and to learn, it's okay to have emotion. It's okay to express emotion. It's okay to work through emotion.

That's how you get closer with your partner. Brilliant. So in your first, the first example, you know, I realize I'd done some of those things. In this particular example, I'm very proud that I'm thinking of a successful situation, okay. Where my partner and I were fighting.

Yes. And the fight looked like this. I told her everything I was doing right, and then I told her everything she was doing wrong, and then she responded by saying everything she was doing right and everything I was doing wrong. And this went backwards and forwards as if it were a tennis match. And I was aware.

Simon Sinek

I had awareness. I had self awareness. I started with the s. And what went through my mind was, I see what's going on here, and this is not working. This is not working.

Like, this tennis match is going to go on forever, and one of us, we're going to get to the point where one of us is going to say something really mean. We weren't there yet, but I could see how this movie plays out. And I remember literally interrupting. I said, babe, this is clearly not going to resolve, and neither of us is going to win this. I would like to propose new rules for our argument, because we're going to argue.

I'm okay with that. I would like to propose new rules for this argument, for this game. My rule is, I will now, instead of telling you everything I did right and you did wrong, I will now say what you did right and what I did wrong, and then it's gonna be your turn, and I'll go first. And I said, babe, you nailed this. You got this right?

And here's where I screwed it up. And she looked at me and said, well, here's what I got wrong and you got right. Now, we were practicing your tea togetherness, where we were celebrating what the other person got right. And for the first time, we could see that the other person wasn't wrong, but that they were trying. Yes.

Yes. To. And that we weren't necessarily helping the situation. So we saw each other as complicit in the tension. Yes.

Simon Sinek

We saw ourselves as complicit in the tension, and we saw them as attempting to alleviate the tension. And I got to tell you very. Quickly, yes, the tension subsided. It subsided. We sat closer together, we started smiling, and we could actually get to the point of being rational and then, like, trying to figure out how did we get in the fight in the first place.

Yes. Simon. That is such a powerful principle. That is such great rules of engagement. I love it because it expresses humility, but more importantly, it expresses here it is appreciation for your partner's perspective.

Shawn McBride

Simon, every counseling session, I end every couple's counseling session, the last five to seven minutes, having that couple look at each other and share a couple of appreciations. Because, Simon, just think about it. When you first started dating, there was a great sense of appreciation for your partner's perspective. And this is new, and you value that perspective, and you validate the perspective and you love the perspective. And come on, give me some more perspectives.

But once you've been dating a year or two years or three years, you stop appreciating the perspective. You stop appreciating the difference. So I encourage couples every single day, make a deposit into your relationship by telling your partner one thing you appreciate about him, one thing you appreciate about her, and watch what happens. In most relationships, couples are making more if the relationship is a bank account. Yeah.

They are making more withdrawals than they are deposits. When you are making deposits, you're intentionally looking for things to be grateful for. You are intentionally looking for things to appreciate your partner for. So now you're on this quest to say, you know what? First of all, I accept you for who you are.

Yeah. Not for who I want you to become. See, a lot of couples get into relationship. In the back of my mind, I'm a change him. I'm a changer.

Shawn McBride

No, no. You don't go into relationship to change people. In a relationship, if you go into it to be served, that's not going to work because that's a lot of selfishness. But if you go into it to serve, to give of yourself one of the greatest quotes of all time, it is better to give than it is to receive. And so oftentimes in relationships, we're looking to get, and we're looking to take, and I'm saying, no, we have to go into it.

How can I serve my partner? How can I love my partner better? How can I give to my partner? We'll be right back.

Behind every successful business is a story. And some of them might surprise you. Like how Chobanis first yogurt factory was discovered on a piece of junk mail. Or how the founder of the multimillion dollar cosmetics brand drunk Elephant, was told by everyone, including her own mother, that the name sounded like a dive bar. I'm Guy Raz, and on my show, how I built this, I talked to founders behind the world's biggest companies to learn the real stories of how they built them.

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Simon Sinek

One of the best things I ever learned, and thank goodness I learned it early in the relationship, was that both partners, or at least I show up every day with the fantasy that my partner can read my mind. You know, like, how did you not know that? I dot, dot, dot. Yeah, you should have known that I dot, dot, dot. Yeah, you know.

Yeah, I just, and I just love that, that we show up with the fantasy that our partners can read our minds and instantaneously like our partners cannot. So in communication in a relationship, what do you want? What do you mean? Break it down? We are students in our own relationships.

Shawn McBride

Yes, we are. And for years, like these little nuances. Like, I grew up in a different country, and so sometimes the language I use or the points of view that I have are different than where I live now. And my partner is on an education, and I can't be frustrated if my student doesn't understand something. I have to be a good teacher and be like, ah, here's what I meant.

Simon Sinek

But likewise, I am the student as well. Yes. And if our teacher gets mad at us for not understanding, we can say, hey, I'm the idiot. I didn't understand. You need to teach me your point of view so that I can learn it so this doesn't happen again.

So the next time you say it, you can say it in the shorthand next time, and I'll understand. Yes. Yes. And doing that with patience. Doing that with grace.

Shawn McBride

Doing that in calmness. Hey, teach me. I don't understand. Hey. Rather than fighting, rather than.

I don't understand. So I'm out of here. Yeah. I don't understand. So I'm a freeze up on you for a week, right?

Yeah. So being able to communicate in a kind way. So we have one more to get to, which is infidelity. But before we do that. Oh, yeah, that's a big, I want to interrupt with an observation, which is one of the main reasons I wanted you on here.

Simon Sinek

One of the reasons I love you is because all relationships are the same, whether it's a romantic relationship or a work relationship. And in work relationships, we have communication breakdowns, we have conflict, we have power dynamics, we have misunderstandings, we have misuse of language. Everything that you and I have said, everything you and I have talked about is transferable, is transferable to a work environment, because all relationships are emotional, even at work. The reason I'm interrupting now to bring that up is because as we get into the third one, which is infidelity, you don't really have infidelity in a work environment. I guess you could go give something to your competitor, but that doesn't really happen much.

But it's, what we're talking about is the complete break of trust. Yes. And so I wanted to share that. We're about to talk about an infidelity has application to any relationship where there's a complete break in trust. Yes.

Yes. Sean McBride, infidelity. How do you help couples overcome the trauma of trusting someone who just at every core of what a relationship's supposed to be, they violate that trust. And how do they repair it? It's very hard, Simon.

Shawn McBride

It's one of the most painful difficulties arduous conversations that I have during the course of the week when couples are trying to recover. Simon, I don't want to sound like I'm making excuses for anybody, but before we talk about the relationship, sometimes we have to go back. I never say to a man who's cheated or a woman who's cheated, what's wrong with you? I have a better question. That doctor Bruce Perry talks about in his book with Oprah Winfrey is what happened to you?

Because, Simon, sometimes what is happening is connected to what happened, whether it's a man or a woman. And sometimes men and women go into these relationships with unresolved childhood trauma. What happens to a man or a woman in the first two decades of their life will influence them as adults, for better or for worse. So when you talk about a child who's been abandoned, a child who's been neglected, a child who's been abused verbally, sexually, emotionally, and if that, a person who's now, who's an adult, if that stuff is not unresolved, I'm not saying it's the reason they cheated. What I am saying is you have to include that in the conversation because some people in infidelity are trying to heal core wounds outside of their primary relationship.

They're trying to get very basic needs, methods outside of their relationship because the relationship is not working. The relationship, in their mind, is not fixable. So. But I still have these needs for a woman. She still wants conversation.

She still wants affection. And so she can't get that in her primary relationship. She's human. I'm not saying it's right, but she'll seek it elsewhere. Okay.

If you look at statistics, the number one reason that men cheat is not because of sex. What they're really seeking is admiration. What they're really seeking is respect. Sex becomes this secondary thing that happens. But they get connected to the woman because she admires him, she honors him, she makes him feel a certain way.

Same thing with a woman. When a woman cheats, when you break it down. Okay, what happened? It started with the conversation. Because most women want 2 hours of conversation every day with their man, 14 hours of conversation a week.

If they're starving for conversation, if that man is freezing, if he's flighting and not giving her conversation, she finds it elsewhere. Again, I'm not saying it's right. I'm saying here's what I discovered with thousands of people. While some people make that choice and recovering from it is very hard. And I think what you're also saying is you're not offering an excuse for the behavior.

Absolutely not. Absolutely not. What you're saying is the person is still accountable for their behavior, but we want to understand the root of the behavior because we don't understand the route. The behavior will continue. It's accountability and accountability.

And. But, Simon, what's interesting is, I would say 90% of the couples I work with, through the process of recovering from infidelity, either one of them acknowledges that while they are not responsible for the behavior, they contributed to the behavior. They contributed by doing something, pushing the person away, or not doing something that pushed the person away. And so this is what men and women are telling me. This is something I've learned in my own relationships as well, both professional and personal, which is we both like to accuse the other person of having started the fight.

Yes. And what I have learned is, yes, absolutely. And there is usually one person who started the fight, and almost always the other person poured gas on the fire. That's what I'm saying. Almost always somebody started the fire, but invariably the other person poured gas on the fire.

Shawn McBride

Poured. We both fight about who started it, but the reality is I either started it or I made it worse. I bear some accountability for the fire that exists right now. Yes. And as you're speaking about the difficulties of resolving infidelity, it does go directly to work relationships as well, which is people who are secretive, people who hide information, maybe lie at work, is because they have been taken advantage of.

Simon Sinek

They've had their ideas stolen, they don't. Feel safe to share. I had a teammate once, years ago, who would lie to me if she got anything wrong. She would just flat out lie. And we were going through a document that I could plainly see that the numbers didn't add up, literally.

And I basically pointed out, say, these don't add up. And she basically fought me and said, they do. I don't understand why she's telling me they do add up when clearly they don't. So I am rational now. So I now start doing math on a piece of paper, pointing out to her how she's wrong, and she's getting angrier and angrier, and I keep trying to show her the math is wrong.

I later learned that she had a completely screwed up childhood with a very overbearing father and judges her self worth on her work product. And by me criticizing her work product, she took it as I was criticizing her entire self worth. She wasn't defending the math. She was defending herself. Herself, yes.

And fortunately, we had a good enough relationship that that came out. And I could learn that, and I could say, look, you telling me a mistake, I'll help you fix it. If you hide a mistake or you lie to me about a mistake, I can't help you. Yes. And, Simon, every couple has a story.

Shawn McBride

Every couple, they have a background. They typically have wounds. They typically have trauma. They typically have unresolved stuff in their life. That doesn't just change because you turn 30 or 40 or 50.

Simon, I work with a lot of. I do a lot of work with african american men. I got guys coming to me in their sixties and seventies, Simon, who are trying to make sense of why they are making these mistakes at this particular stage in their lives. And what I try to help them to understand is because you've never connected the dots with your trauma from the past. I had a guy recently who committed infidelity, and he's 65 years old.

And when you spend time and you break it down, he's been trying to prove something ever since he was 15 years old. Again, I'm not making excuses for anybody, but I'm not the therapist that's just going to write people off, hey, you made a mistake. You're the worst person ever. You won't be the first person to commit adultery. You won't be the last person.

Let's try to understand what happened therapeutically. Let's try to understand the dynamics so we can fix it, hold you accountable, so you never make that mistake again. Okay. Now let's talk about the things that you have seen that actually make relationships work. Oh, good.

Simon Sinek

I have to believe that there's more than just the opposite of what you're talking about. They're good at listening. They're good. Like, what are the things that we can learn, that we can start a relationship and say, okay, here's what I know. Shawn's practice of decades and working with people.

Here are the common threads that he has found of great relationships, that are the models that we should admire. These are the common threads? Yes. So, Simon, let me say, first of all, love is important, but it's not enough. Love can make the relationship work, but it's not enough.

Shawn McBride

So in addition to, hey, we love each other, if a relationship is not working, I try to take a couple back to the beginning of the relationship. Yeah. What were you doing at the very beginning? Because there's a reason you stayed this long. And typically, when you go back to the beginning, number one, we spent a lot of time together.

We made the relationship a priority because couples that play together stay together a lot of couples who date, if they get married, they're getting married because they're having so much fun. They don't want it to end. And they say, let's do this forever. They get married and guess what they stop doing? They stop dating.

So dating each other, I know it's very basic and elementary, but you would be shocked at the amount of people who are now married that no longer date. Because, listen, everything in their life is pulling away from the relationship. Now they have kids, now they have work, now they have in laws, now they have responsibility. So everything is pulling away. And if they are not dating, if they are not investing and spending time, they grow apart.

So love is important. Dating is important. Spending time together, Simon, patience is a virtue. Listen, I've been married 30 years to the same woman. I'm not the guy I was 30 years ago, Simon.

I don't even think I'm the guy I was five years ago. Patience is a virtue. People should go into relationships, not as a sprint. Yeah, but as a marathon. People are human.

People mess up. People don't know how to communicate. People don't know how to resolve conflict. People say the wrong things. But you got to be patient with your partner.

Right. Trust is important. Making sure that we don't do anything that's going to jeopardize the relationship. You know, as a former pastor, I've done a lot of weddings. To have to hold, to love, to cherish, for better, for worse, for Richard, for poor, sickness and in health.

Shawn McBride

Forsaking all others. Forsaking all others. In other words, we're not going to let anybody get between us. We're going to forsake them so we can be loyal to each other. So that loyalty, Simon, that we are loyal and committed to each other.

I give you two more, and I'm done being able to adjust. When you get into a relationship, your partner becomes a mirror. And if you love your partner, and your partner loves you, you can learn from each other. Are you willing to make adjustments as your partner suggests? Cause we all have blind spots.

As a therapist, I tell my clients it's hard to see the picture when you're in the frame. I'm outside the frame so I can point out things that you all can't see because you're in the frame. Are you willing to adjust to the areas, the blind spots that your partner brings up? And the last one I'll give you, which is big. Simon, we got to learn how to apologize.

We have to learn in relationship to say, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? Not just I'm sorry, I own my mistake, I acknowledge my mistake, I said the wrong thing, I yelled, I shut whatever, I'm sorry. Will you forgive me? When couples get humble and are able to apologize, Simon, do you know how many times in 30 years of marriage I've had to apologize to my wife?

How many times she had to apologize to me? Isn't that the nature of relationships, whether in the workplace or in, in relationships, dating, engaged, married. To be able to say I'm sorry. Saying you're sorry doesn't mean you're wrong. It just means you accept accountability for your role in the situation.

Simon Sinek

Accountability? Yeah. I really like the I'm sorry, I'm accountable and the ability to say, I'm sorry I yelled, I'm sorry I contributed, I'm sorry I poured gas on the fire. I'm sorry I started the fire. Whatever it is, will you forgive me?

Apologizing is a humbling thing, and it creates, it creates a lopsided balance in that dynamic. Will you forgive me? Evens it out that both in the couple have to be humble in that moment. That's an addition that I hadn't thought about before, which is incredibly, incredibly magical and powerful. And that's what keeps people together for a long time.

Shawn McBride

Forgiveness. My parents have been married 55 years. If you ask them, what's the secret? We've been forgiving each other for 55 years. My wife's parents were married 45 years before they passed.

If you ask them forgiveness, we've been forgiving each other. If people can't forgive, they shouldn't be in relationship. Because if you're in a relationship, you're with another human being who's going to make mistakes along the way. But being able to forgive is grand. It's golden.

Simon Sinek

We'll be right back.

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Shawn McBride

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Simon Sinek

Can you tell me an experience you've had in your years of doing this? Or maybe it's one couple that you worked with that really stands out in your years of doing this. That if every couple was like this couple, if every experience you had was like this one experience, you would be the most fulfilled person in the world. Boy, very specific. I'll give you a couple that came to me several years ago on their last leg, last thread.

Shawn McBride

Married 42 years. So I'll use an older couple married 42 years, and they are ready to call it quits. They're ready to give it up. Grown children, grandchildren. Simon number one.

They did the work of therapy and counseling as a couple. So much to unpack. But I worked with them for a year. So much to work. You don't do that in 55 minutes.

You don't do that in two sessions. They committed themselves. Before we give up, before we throw in the towel, let's meet with a third party to get perspective. I worked with them for a year. Number two, they did individual work.

Simon, when people get into relationship, it goes back to how we started this conversation. They come into the relationship with baggage, with issues, with pain, with trauma, that they're thinking the relationship, the marriage, the boyfriend, girlfriend's going to fix. It doesn't. They did the individual work through individual therapy. So just think about it.

A healthy me leads to a healthy we. We are better. Because I'm better, right? Because just showing up for couples counseling and therapy, just showing up for individual counseling and therapy doesn't solve the problem. You have to be intentional in doing the work.

Simon, if I was a doctor and I wrote you a prescription for your bronchitis. Okay, Simon, take this pill once a day for the next 14 days. If you don't take the medicine, you gonna be stuck with bronchitis. It is not just showing up. It's doing the work.

Whether that work is reading, whether that work is dating, whether that work is daily appreciation, whether that work is having deeper conversations. Couples get better. Individuals get better when they choose to do the work. That couple I met with several years ago, married 42 years. There's 40 something now.

This past Saturday night, the husband took me out for a steak dinner. He reached out to me, said, hey, I'm thinking about you. You saved our marriage. You saved our relationship. I want to take you to dinner.

And I took him to the most expensive restaurant that I could find. I got the most expensive steak. You earned it. No, no. But he was just so appreciative.

And again, even to this day, he is still doing the work. So of all of the couples you've helped, you've helped a lot of people. Not all of them were successful, but you've helped a lot. Thousands of couples find solidity in their relationships. What is it specifically about this one couple that's so amazing that you choose to talk about them and not any of the others right now?

Oh, man. I don't know. They represent longevity. I think people give up on each other too soon. They just represent longevity.

To me, they represent a couple that's had every issue imaginable in their relationship. They've been through the fire. They've been through storms, ups and downs. They got married young, highs and lows. But 42 years later, when they're ready to walk away, they say, let's give it one more chance.

Let's get help. And I don't know, Simon. I'm just an optimistic guy. I want every couple to win. I want every relationship to last forever.

And I don't know. I just think if people can learn the skills and get the tools and be patient and keep working, that will have less breakups and more love and more unconditional love. So tell me an early, specific, happy childhood memory, something I can relive with you, boy. An early memory of childhood. I was three years old, moved out of a one bedroom apartment with four kids and two parents into our very first home in Maryland.

My parents got their very first home rent with the option to buy. And I remember that like it was yesterday, being in this back then, what I thought was this mansion, you know, my parents getting that home was just, I'll never forget that. And growing up there, and the experience is there. Christmas is there, thanksgiving's there. What was it about that memory of the leaving the one bedroom apartment and going to the home?

Simon Sinek

What is it about that memory that brings you such joy when you talk about it now? Yeah. Security, growth, accomplishment for two poor, lower middle class african american parents who some way, somehow through a rent with an option to buy, got favor, didn't have the credit, but got favor with an owner who let them do that. And by the way, they've been living in that house for 50 years now.

So what I find magical is the way that you describe that childhood memory is very similar to the way that you describe that couple, which is they started in a place. Yes. And they moved into a home, and they decided to make a life together that had the growth and the love and the family. And the reason, after 41 years or 40 something years, they decided not to just go to a therapist or have a session or two, but to commit an entire year of couples and individual therapy is because we've moved into a home and we could abandon an apartment. But you can't abandon a home.

That's it. That's it. Simon, you're so wise. Great connection. Great connection.

Simon Sinek

And like, dating is an apartment. Yes. You know, it's a little cramped. It's a little, you know, it provides some security. It provides some comfort.

And if the dating doesn't survive, so you move into another apartment. There's not that much stuff. It's not that difficult. But when you find yourself in relationship, you have decided, you have moved from dating into, we are going to build a home. We're going to build a relationship.

My couch becomes our couch. Me becomes we. Me becomes we. And we have children. And just the same as your parents, which is, you know, we didn't have a lot of, but we did the work.

We had a little help from the outside. Somebody believed in us. We believed in ourselves, and we built a home. And to throw that away is ignoring the work that has been done. And this is what I think your life's work sounds like.

And it is in your therapy, which is you've done the work. Why would you let that work go in vain? Like, if you've done no work, go ahead, date someone else. Move on. It's okay.

But if you've done so much work to build a relationship, to learn how to fight, to learn how to listen, to learn the techniques, to learn the skills, don't let that effort go in vain. And I find that just poetry, to be honest. Yes, it's poetry. It's poetry. And Simon, we learn to if through counseling and therapy, if we can get the individual help, we can break patterns, negative patterns, we can break cycles, we can get healed, we can become whole, we can become better, we can have greater understanding.

Shawn McBride

Rather than doing that with 20 different people over ten years.

If she keeps breaking up with you, maybe you're the common denominator. Or if you keep breaking up with her. So how do we break those cycles? How do we learn to live in love and peace and get healthy? And so I'm just a huge fan of counseling and therapy, which I think works as people do the work.

Simon Sinek

You're a big fan of work. You're a big fan of doing the work. Doing the work. Yes. Sean, are you free for the next 4 hours to keep talking?

I wish, man, because I absolutely love talking to you, man. You have taught me so much. You have challenged perspectives. You've given me tools. I leave after this time with you.

I hope a better leader, a better partner, a better friend, because you are out there in the world spreading your gospel. Thank you. Thank you for the opportunity for inspiring. Us to continue to do the work. We've already come this far.

It's worth that we keep fighting. Yes, indeed. You're very welcome. It's been my honor. It's been my privilege.

Thank you. So great to meet you, Simon. If you enjoyed this podcast and would like to hear more, please subscribe wherever you like to listen to podcasts. And if you'd like even more optimism, check out my website, simonsineck.com, for classes, videos and more. Until then, take care of yourself.

Simon Sinek

Take care of each other. A bit of optimism is a production of the optimism company. It's produced and edited by David Ja and Greg Reutershan, and Henrietta Conrad is our executive producer.

This show is sponsored by Betterhelp. It's a simple truth. No matter who you are, mental health challenges can affect you and how you manage them can make all the difference. That's why everyone should have access to mental health support that meets them where they are and helps them get through. Betterhelp provides online therapy on your schedule.

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Love Is Not Enough with couples therapist Shawn McBride

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1: Introduction

2: Understanding Communication

3: Dealing with Conflicts

4: Practical Advice for Relationship Maintenance

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